02-13-26 - FULL SHOW - FRIDAY - Holmbergs Morning Sickness 98 KUPD

Summary

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Holmberg's Morning Sickness - February 13, 2026

Episode: 02-13-26 FULL SHOW (Friday)
Hosts: John Holmberg, Brady Bogan, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo
Guest: David Attell (stand-up comedian)
Tone: Irreverent, edgy, satirical, and unapologetically crude

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Overview:

This episode of Holmberg’s Morning Sickness packs a heady mix of dark comedy, relentless social commentary, and raunchy humor into the Friday preceding Valentine's Day—on a show reputed for both entertaining and disturbing listeners. Core topics include celebrity GoFundMe culture, Valentine’s Day cynicism, depraved listener call-ins, and a long, hilarious guest appearance by David Attell.

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Major Discussion Points & Insights

1. Celebrity GoFundMe Debate: Outrage & Sarcasm

[03:00–19:00, recurring to 30:00+ and elsewhere]

• James Van Der Beek’s GoFundMe: The cast is incredulous and dismissive about the recent $2 million raised for late actor James Van Der Beek’s family (a satirical premise, used for comic effect).

  • Holmberg and team call it “insanity” that celebrities get handed millions, while average folks have to hold car washes to cover funeral expenses.
  • Quote, John Holmberg [06:22]: “This is worse than when old ladies sell their lives to some guy they've never met before ... I gave him $400,000 and I sold my house. Why?!”
  • Bret points out the seeming hypocrisy, “He’s almost doubled his net worth.”
  • Spielberg is called out for his public $25K donation, and the hosts lampoon the performative philanthropy angle.

• Class and empathy: Sharp contrast is drawn between celebrity handouts and everyday hardship. They lampoon the performativity of public giving.

  • Quote, Holmberg [11:11]: “I just don't think it's beautiful ... Why are we doing that for him? The Internet randomly picks and chooses weird things to give money for.”

• Systemic critique: The group rails against the normalization of GoFundMe as a substitute for insurance or planning, especially for the comfortably-off.

  • Quote, Holmberg [17:11]: “That's grifting. That used to be called grifting. Why is this rich guy getting tons of money now?”

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2. Valentine’s, Galentine’s, and Gender Commentary

[02:10–04:00+, again at 19:00+]

• Galentine’s Day is mocked for being anti-male and a “bad luck” event, with jokes about invading women’s gatherings to talk sports.
  • Quote, Holmberg [02:35]: “We should go wreck Valentine’s Day and just loudly talk about football.”
• Valentine’s cynicism: The show skewers the commercialism and expectations of the holiday, and repeatedly returns to the idea that “showing your snooch on OnlyFans” is the real American tradition for hard times.
  • Quote, Holmberg [34:52]: “Make America great again… when you had two kids and you couldn't afford your bills, you had to show people your snooch on a Friday night...”

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3. The KISS 1230 ‘Loveline’ Parody and Listener Call-ins

[41:20–55:39, several later segments]

• DJ Easy Dick (and other alter egos) take over for long stretches with an over-the-top, R&B-radio parody: fake dedications, hyper-sexualized “love advice,” and listeners confessing wild truths (some played by the hosts, others genuine call-ins).

  • Love letters range from an ex trying to win back her boyfriend after being caught cheating (“you got to suck your way back”) to a white guy seeking Al Green music to seduce a Black coworker.
  • Memorable moment [44:19]: “Kevin, if you're interested, Stephanie's still in ... she's probably all out of dick. She sucked her way back to you.”

• Listener calls:

  • “Gutsy” calls to profess love for “Sin,” reveals a history of being stabbed, and confirms the expected tattoos (“Virgin Mary on the leg”), providing a running joke.
  • Another caller, “Rick,” brings the mood down by calling to wish his daughter a happy birthday (on Valentine’s Day), and reveals his wife died during COVID, prompting the hosts to riff on depression and grogginess at a bar named Groggy's.

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4. Medical Debt & GoFundMe: Wealth, Death, and Cynicism

[Full show, especially 03:00–30:00+]

• Holmberg's recurring thesis: Celebrities mismanaging their lives shouldn’t be rescued by mass donations; average people don’t get that safety net.

  • Quote, Holmberg [17:11]: “Everybody's got debt. ... I would want to sell my things. ... That's called pride.”
  • Emphasizes the performativity and self-congratulatory angle of giving (e.g., Spielberg’s donation).
  • Returns to the idea that “when you’re in trouble, someone close to you has to show their snooch to strangers” instead of running a GoFundMe.

• Satirical comparison: Repeatedly contrasts the GoFundMe windfalls with “only fans/stripper culture,” emphasizing that “real America” expects you to hustle for extra cash, not beg.

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5. Pop Culture, AI Fears, and Entertainment

[From approx 126:00 forward]

• News about an AI-generated Tom Cruise/Brad Pitt fight video triggers debate about the end of acting, with the hosts urging listeners to “embrace AI,” not fight it, or risk losing out.

  • Quip, Holmberg: “AI is being super nice and doing neat things. When we fight it, it'll start being awful.”

• “Fun facts” about celebrities and golden girls cast members.

• Movie previews: “Crime 101,” “Cold Storage,” and seasonal talk about shamrock shakes and more.

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6. Guest Segment: Comedian David Attell

[127:24–149:25]

• Mocked as the “Valentine’s Day spokesperson,” Attell brings his signature deadpan, discussing President’s Day, Garfield’s assassination, and dementia care for his mother.

  • Quote, Attell [132:33]: “You know how hard it is to get out of New York City on New Year's Eve. ... Like a drunk driving festival and everything.”
  • Speaks movingly (and comedically) about caring for a mother with dementia; advises never to say, “Do you remember?” to such a parent.
  • Discusses stand up in cold-weather cities, snow plowing, and general winter malaise.

• Attell anecdotes:

  • Working with Doug Stanhope, comedy festivals, the weird world of “doggy daycare fraud.”
  • Fantasizes about working outside of comedy, managing a barter town after the apocalypse (“What do you got here? How many batteries?”).
  • Decries AI-driven, driverless cabs, and the simulation feel of the modern world.
  • Closes by urging the audience to experience live comedy (“Don’t you want to smell it?”).

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• John Holmberg on GoFundMe culture [11:11]:
  • “Why are we doing that for him? Who else gets this? ... Kevin Spacey almost lost his house... nobody gave him any money.”
• Bret Vesely on Spielberg’s donation [24:39]:
  • “Spielberg's 25k. That's nothing to him.”
• DJ Easy Dick on Valentine’s Day [52:05]:
  • “Ladies, let's not use any of the code word for six o' clock, all right? Kind of like horse's lips, only with none of those gigantic choppers getting involved.”
• On OnlyFans vs. Charitable Giving [33:00]:
  • “If I donate to a rich dude’s GoFundMe, I’m a hero. But if I donate to a single mom’s OnlyFans page, I’m a pig?? What happened to America?!”
• On Pride and Hardship [17:11]:
  • “As a proud individual, the last thing I’d do is say, ‘I got a problem and I’m not willing to part with my stuff—help me stay afloat.’...I would want to sell my things. That’s called pride.”

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Unfiltered Listener Interactions

• Dedications on the “Loveline”:
  • Stephanie tries to win back her ex for Valentine’s (“you gotta suck your way back”).
  • “Gutsy” and “Sin”: A tongue-in-cheek romantic call, complete with personal injury and tattoos.
  • “Rick,” a lonely granddad at “Groggy's,” delivers the day’s most tragic call-in, explained away with dark humor.

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Additional Highlights

• Valentine’s and Galentine’s Day: Skewering of “fake” holidays and single-woman brunches.
• The potential for ‘MeToo’ scandals after charitable outpouring (“What if we find out Beek me-too’d someone?”)
• Grotesque “Brady Report” videos: Squirm-inducing descriptions of viral videos (e.g., earwax removal, tank vs Prius, NSFW content).
• Jokes about “canned pumpkin” and the “circle of whore’s life.”

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Important Timestamps

• 05:00–18:00: Extended GoFundMe/Van Der Beek/charity rant
• 41:00–56:00: KISS 1230 Loveline parody & listener calls
• 127:24–149:25: David Attell interview/guest segment
• 33:00+: OnlyFans/snooch/American hustle monologue
• 88:00–96:00: Listener “Gutsy,” and “Rick” call-ins (Valentine’s Day loneliness)
• 52:00: “Word for 6 o'clock” contest
• 160:00+: Fun facts, movie previews, and Valentine’s wrap-up

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Summary for New Listeners

This episode exemplifies Holmberg’s morning show at its best and worst: Over-the-top, unfiltered, and rejoicing in discomfort. The show bounces between scathing social commentary (on entitlement, class, and performative charity), gallows humor about relationships and holidays, listener interactions both hilarious and tragic, and comics riffing on everything from OnlyFans to elderly crime victims. There’s plenty of NSFW, envelope-pushing banter. The segment with comedian David Attell is a highlight, blending real pathos with surreal wit. The “Loveline” parody and listener segments provide both comic relief and darkly poignant moments.

Fans of irreverent, provocative morning radio filled with edgy bits and social satire will find this a quintessential episode.

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Listen for:

• Relentless satire on celebrity GoFundMe charity
• Ongoing Valentine’s Day irreverence and parody dedications
• Gut-punch listener “love” calls
• David Attell’s mix of deadpan comedy and emotional candor
• Edgy, over-the-top, and unapologetic takes on everything from AI to OnlyFans

If you’re easily offended, beware; if you enjoy sharp-tongued, uncensored comedy with a dose of truth, this is the perfect show to tune in to.

Transcript

[Brett Vesely]

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[John Holberg]

It's John Holberg here from the morning sickness for lifechangerloan.com so as you know by now, if I'm telling you about a product, I am using it. And that's because I don't want to be accused of steering you the wrong direction. I've told you that most clients of Life change your loan, pay off their mortgage in about five years. That means you're not paying 30 years of interest. So on top of paying off your mortgage in five years because all your money goes to the principal first, you're going to save hundreds of thousands of dollars on interest. It isn't tricky. Not about this should have you rolling your eyes. It's not magic, it's just math. Lifechangerloan.com hey, it's Brett Vesely and I'm.

[Brett Vesely]

Here with Byron from MMP Guns. Look, Byron, I have a friend wanting to sell some guns he inherited. What's the best way for him to do that?

[John Holberg]

Brett, the last thing you want to.

[Brady Bogan]

Do is sell the gun to someone.

[Caller]

Who can't legally own one.

[John Holberg]

Tell him not to put himself at risk and come into M and P.

[Brady Bogan]

Guns where he'll get a fair offer.

[John Holberg]

And he can rest easy knowing it's.

[Brady Bogan]

Not getting into the wrong hands.

[Brett Vesely]

Okay, but what if he lives out of state?

[John Holberg]

Easy.

[Brady Bogan]

Legalgunbuyer.com and he can do it all online.

[John Holberg]

It's really that simple.

[Brett Vesely]

There you have it. MMP Guns or legalgunbuyer.com the safe and legal way to sell your firearms.

[John Holberg]

You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself.

[DJ Easy Dick]

98.

[John Holberg]

Good morning everybody. Hello there. Welcome to Friday, Friday the 13th.

[DJ Easy Dick]

The love weekend. It is.

[John Holberg]

It's 5:45.

[DJ Easy Dick]

My name's John.

[John Holberg]

Look who's back. Sicky boy Brady's back. Brady. Nice job to have Brady Back. Brett's here and Big Dick Toledo's around here somewhere. We're ready to go for a beautiful Friday morning.

[Brady Bogan]

Technically, the evil Galentine's Day.

[David Attell]

I know.

[John Holberg]

This is the one bad luck one.

[Brady Bogan]

Since the Friday 13th.

[John Holberg]

Well, Friday the 13th. Galentine's Day. Galentine's Day is bad luck if you get to. If you have to go sit through that in the first place.

[DJ Easy Dick]

A bunch of.

[John Holberg]

A bunch of chicks just talking a bunch of heat about dudes the whole time and drinking.

[Brady Bogan]

You know, they'll be erect because they think it's unlucky.

[Brett Vesely]

We should go to Postinos for lunch today just to laugh at these.

[John Holberg]

Well, it's already. Yeah. We should go wreck Valentine's Day.

[Brett Vesely]

Oh, yeah.

[John Holberg]

And just loudly talk about football. Oh, just annoying. This is what I'm talking about. They ruin everything. We'll see. Galentine's Day. Yeah. And one dude rolls into Galentine's Day and it's over. Like, he comes in and they're talking about, I don't want a man. They're lifting their drinks and clanking glasses, and he goes, but if one catches you, I'm going to leave you for that. Right?

[DJ Easy Dick]

I want to go hang out with.

[John Holberg]

That fun guy over there because I don't want to listen to any more complaining. Gallentine's Day. Yeesh. Anyway, enjoy it. I've been busy the entire time, just kind of rooting for someone I care about to die so I can sort of go fund me. I didn't know you could do that. What happened when celebrities used to die? They used to die and just be broke. Right? James Vanderbeek's now over $2 million in a GoFundMe. It's worth. Was worth it. Six kids.

[Brady Bogan]

They need a little help.

[John Holberg]

They're fine. Where's his money? He has a ra. What happens to us, those normals, when we die? We don't get $2 million for James Vanderbeek. You get a decent celebrity that dies, and you're gonna make a fortune.

[Brett Vesely]

He's got to have Varsity Blues money still laying around somewhere. I mean, Jesus.

[John Holberg]

I mean.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah, but when you live, you're living that level. He must have been on a ranch.

[John Holberg]

He's on a ranch. Sell the ranch. It's not about. It's not a divorce. You're not staying his life.

[Brady Bogan]

They want to just keep their lights.

[Brett Vesely]

In Beverly Hills or anything.

[John Holberg]

No, it used to not happen. Celebrities used to die, and you'd be like, oh, that's tragic. Oh, well, nobody. I mean, Imagine if. If what's her name, Selena, got shot on the porch today. It'd be like $50 million in the. In somebody's pocket.

[Brady Bogan]

Dare I say we need more Mickey Rourke's. He gave the money back.

[John Holberg]

Yes. Mickey Rourke.

[Brady Bogan]

Stop it.

[John Holberg]

It was in a.

[Brady Bogan]

Knock it off. It's going back to everyone who donated, right?

[John Holberg]

He.

[Brady Bogan]

I'm going to figure it out.

[John Holberg]

Other people gave the money saying, Mickey Rourke needs help. He's like, I'm just living in a one bedroom hotel. I'll figure this out. But I don't need your. And don't I need to know somebody good who dies and be the person that picks up on this. I'm gonna kill Calienta. Been friends with him a long time. Start doing a podcast with him again, and the next thing you know, Frank's not feeling so well all the time. And it isn't because I'm poisoning his drink. That's not it at all. Don't even ask that question. That's stupid. And I'm gonna start to Go fund me and be like, his family needs this. One of his three houses. We couldn't.

[DJ Easy Dick]

We're not selling those.

[John Holberg]

Why should the kids suffer anymore and lose their. Their playhouse and their other fun house and then place in Wisconsin? I mean, that would be ridiculous to try to pay our own bills.

[DJ Easy Dick]

You do it.

[John Holberg]

No offense to the Vanderbeek family, but this is not our problem.

[Brett Vesely]

Did they set it up or did somebody set it up?

[John Holberg]

I don't know. Where does it go? And like, I'm gonna start that. I'm gonna start that company, wait for a celebrity to die, start a GoFundMe, and then just keep it. Like, what's it going to? Oh, he had health cost issues. We all do.

[Brady Bogan]

And Go fund me's like, okay, just take our figure.

[John Holberg]

Million. Of course. Go fund me. Doesn't care if it's crooked or straight or anything else, but not as much as the family getting all we had some medical bills. You guys want to kick in on that? And now the story's like, he barely got anything for Dawson's Creek. Just Dawson's Creek.

[Brady Bogan]

Wasn't that great?

[John Holberg]

It was okay. It was on for a while, but it wasn't like some sort of cash cow. It was. It was good, but I didn't expect him to retire on Dawson Creek money.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah, keep working, pal.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, I'm sorry for the. I'm sorry for your loss, but I mean, when Super Celebrities died, Marvin Gaye's dad just went up, shot him in the Head on a porch and nobody ever started. Let's give money to people who are still hanging around him. I want that. I want that in my life.

[Brady Bogan]

Maybe he spent a lot of money on medical. I don't know.

[John Holberg]

Well, so what?

[Brett Vesely]

Any insurance?

[John Holberg]

Nobody.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah, help the beak out, man.

[John Holberg]

But. Okay, then where does this line. Where does this stop?

[Brady Bogan]

It doesn't.

[John Holberg]

It doesn't. I mean, he's a good man. I liked the beak.

[Brett Vesely]

Somebody dropped 30 grand.

[John Holberg]

Well, Steven Spielberg went in there and dumped a huge amount in there. It's $2.129 million. And there's no way his medical bills got that high.

[Brett Vesely]

There's Spielberg 25K. Somebody knocked out Spielberg on that.

[John Holberg]

Yeah.

[Brady Bogan]

All right, Steven.

[John Holberg]

I'll see now. It's just about who can be the most philanthropic towards the beat Guardian health. They could have a discount on his bills.

[Brady Bogan]

And Spielberg only put in half of that, Brett, because his wife.

[John Holberg]

Oh, yeah. Let me tell him.

[Brett Vesely]

So much since Indiana Jones.

[John Holberg]

Timeout on the whole deal. James Vanderbeek wasn't getting, like $2 million for a movie role. Why is he getting too many now? His family gets hit. Come on.

[Brady Bogan]

You know what? I'm happy for him.

[John Holberg]

It was like Brady dying, and everybody's like, let's give him like eight or nine million dollars. He's not making that money. Why would we do that? We've overshot it. I mean, who. Why? He wasn't claiming poverty. He's got a beautiful. He's got acreage. And look, it's not my fault you had six kids and you can't afford them. What about all those Mexicans that die? You got kids laying all over the place, and nobody's gofundme. They have car washes. Like, they stand on the side and make three or four hundred dollars just to get a box to put them in. I've seen it. I've driven through the west valley on a Saturday. There's car washes for all sorts of dead people.

[Brett Vesely]

They should have had a car wash for mox out there. You know, him and Billy Bob and Lance harbor bring out all three of our.

[John Holberg]

That's true. Billy Bob is like.

[DJ Easy Dick]

We had him out there, and we're just.

[John Holberg]

We're not real sure why.

[DJ Easy Dick]

But why can't I just give you.

[John Holberg]

A couple hundred thousand dollars and bury him and then pay a bill?

[Brett Vesely]

Coach John Voight could have showed up.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, John Voight.

[DJ Easy Dick]

It was.

[John Holberg]

Billy Bob was in the movie.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah, he was the fat guy that was in the movie.

[John Holberg]

Oh, Billy Bob. I'm Thinking Billy Bob. Because I confused him. What was the Billy Bob football movie? That was Friday Night Lights, and then it became Friday Night Lights thing. Very similar again. This is your career, Vanderbeek. I'm confusing you with other movies. It wasn't that great. I'm fine with him like, oh, geez, that's terrible. What a tragic loss. But $2 million? And he's like, this is great.

[Brett Vesely]

Trying to think what else he was besides that.

[Brady Bogan]

People like the beak.

[John Holberg]

You can like the beak. This doesn't make sense. People have liked dead celebrities forever. Why is he getting $2 million for dying? Why? It doesn't make any sense. Who's next?

[Brett Vesely]

I don't know. Look, he's almost.

[Brady Bogan]

You wouldn't.

[John Holberg]

Why didn't Catherine o'? Hara.

[Brady Bogan]

Because public life. People find out, oh, he's burnt through his money or whatever.

[John Holberg]

That's not our fault. We don't have to. Why are we giving them $2 million? It's worth dying.

[Brett Vesely]

He's almost doubled his net worth. He was. He was valued at 3 million before all this, right up there.

[John Holberg]

Then he's fine. Stop. This is worse than when old lady.

[Brady Bogan]

The ranch.

[John Holberg]

No, this is it. You sell your ranch. This is when old ladies sell their. Their. Their lives to some guy they've never met before, and they like, I gave him $400,000 and I sold my house. Why? If he was worth $3 million at the end and didn't have health insurance or life insurance, and he had six kids, that's just a mismanaged situation.

[Brady Bogan]

How are the kids now? Who.

[John Holberg]

How old or how are.

[Brady Bogan]

How. How old are they?

[John Holberg]

None of this mattered. Let me ask you this. If you didn't care how old his kids were while he was dying, why are we. They so suddenly. They're all, we got to give them some money. Where does this end? Now it's worth it. Now it's like, oh, you know, so.

[Brady Bogan]

You'D be fine if it was a car wash. Look, if you.

[John Holberg]

If the Vander Beaks need to raise money and they're worth $3 million, I don't think. I don't think Vanderbeek was rolling in, you know, great Hollywood roles anyway. So go get a job, sell your stuff. That's what normal people have to do. And if you have a GoFundMe, it can't exceed your estimated net value by double just because you're dead.

[Brady Bogan]

It's amazing.

[John Holberg]

It's stupid. We're stupid. And all it is is just people.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Going, I donate it.

[John Holberg]

It's The. It's that Alzheimer's challenge. It's not for Vanderbeek. It's for you to say, look, there's his house. He's beautiful.

[Brett Vesely]

That's the barn.

[John Holberg]

That's just the barn. It's better than anything I own.

[Brady Bogan]

That is nice.

[John Holberg]

That's the barn. I would buy that and move into it with cows and pigs in it. It's nicer than my house. We don't want to move. Well, you should have thought. It's not like he surprised you with this. I don't want to come across as callous, but this is stupid. I don't think I can help but come across as callous. Stop giving that dead man money. I don't get it. Now, it'd be great if they went and turned and gave it all the cancer research or something. That changes everything, but I don't think that's why people are giving it.

[Brett Vesely]

Oh, man. Is that him at the end?

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

He wasn't he. It got him.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah, it did.

[John Holberg]

But, like, in the. You know, what happens if. Yeah, this guy makes a good point. What happens if in a few months, somebody comes out and says, I don't want to talk Yellow the dead. But Vanderbie me too'd me at work once, and it turns out he was like. He sexually harassed someone.

[Brady Bogan]

Always in the files.

[John Holberg]

We'd turn on him in a heartbeat. We'd turn on him in a heartbeat. I'm reading this thing, and I just don't get it. People fake being nice with you.

[Brady Bogan]

Find out on Epstein's island, there's Vanderbeek Cove.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, it could be. Yeah, he, like. He, like, funded some of it, and all this money goes right back to restoring it.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

$2 million for him to just. It doesn't make any sense to me, and only because I'm.

[DJ Easy Dick]

You know.

[John Holberg]

This one says, dude, I had to beg my sister for $800 to cremate my mother.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

Andre's not going online. Going. It was a tragic situation for the family, and they're not gonna raise 10 times the value of Mom. Dawson's Creek. This is. This is insanity. Cause you know what's gonna happen now? There's gonna be other celebrities, like, oh, we haven't heard. Oh, that's a great one. Like, if Katie Holmes dies from Dawson's Creek and she got mistreated by.

[Brady Bogan]

She wrote Tom Cruise.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. The next. Well, of course she did. That's what you do when people die. You write nice letters, you say nice things. You don't hand over Two and a half million to the family. And go. You guys are going to be better off. Your lives are better now.

[Brady Bogan]

She could have kicked in, too. She's got some cruise.

[John Holberg]

Here's his ranch that they won't sell. But we got to pay for everything. We don't have to, but people have chosen. It's beautiful.

[Brett Vesely]

TC the kitchen.

[John Holberg]

Jesus Christ. That's gorgeous. That's a restaurant.

[Brady Bogan]

Well, you got.

[John Holberg]

Why are we giving this full capacity.

[Brady Bogan]

Every day in that restaurant?

[John Holberg]

Why are you giving this family money views? Why? Look at. He's on 70 acres of glorious Montana ranch land. And there's a river in it. He doesn't need it. What are we doing? Look at that pool. It's spectacular. Is that house for sale?

[Brett Vesely]

I don't know. It's in Texas.

[Brady Bogan]

He bought it. What, for one point Something.

[Brett Vesely]

Yes.

[Brady Bogan]

Okay. And what's it worth?

[DJ Easy Dick]

Well, it's.

[David Attell]

He.

[John Holberg]

Well, it's nothing. He's. It's paying for Medicare. He's got $75 billion in medical bills.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Evidently.

[John Holberg]

You know what? I'd sue the doctors if I spent all that money on medical bills and still died.

[Brett Vesely]

Find our spice.

[John Holberg]

It's not the Vanderbilt.

[Brady Bogan]

That's. That's not the one they're in now, is it?

[John Holberg]

I don't know where they are.

[Brady Bogan]

I thought he was in California. No.

[John Holberg]

Maybe he's got a couple ranches. Oh, well, that even makes it worse. Yeah. It's like Vanderbeek's death is a divorce from all the Dawson Creek fans.

[DJ Easy Dick]

We've got a.

[John Holberg]

You know. Well, he's used to this lifestyle, so we got to uphold that alimony. You're paying death alimony? The hell's going on out there? I understand, like, initially. I'll go fund me Page. They raised like a hundred grand for Vanderbieke and his family to pay some bills that were unexpected. It's a little weird because it Dawson's like, nobody should. But $2 million and Spielberg's throwing it out. How bad were they managing their finances?

[Brady Bogan]

Maybe that's. Maybe it's just to help. To pay for the funeral. He had this elaborate funeral plan.

[John Holberg]

Okay. The answer's no. When Joanie died from Happy Days, they buried her in, like, a pine box they didn't even have. Like, nobody from the show even kicked in.

[Brett Vesely]

Chachi didn't kick in.

[John Holberg]

I'm sure Chad, you know, he's like.

[Brett Vesely]

Look, and he was getting a little bit of.

[John Holberg]

If Chachi died, would we do this? He's Chachi levels. In fact, he's less Than Chachi levels.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

Scott Bale croaked right. Now would we go? Charles in Charge was pretty awesome to her. And it was Happy Days. And then he was on Arrested Development. He's blah, blah, blah.

[Brett Vesely]

You don't think the Fonz and Richie would kick in?

[Brady Bogan]

That's the thing that depends political views.

[John Holberg]

And yeah, he became a right wing lunatic. So nobody's going to give him any money. I don't know anything.

[Brett Vesely]

Isn't Katie Holmes kicking down for Dawson here?

[John Holberg]

I mean, she did was write a letter. That's all she did so far. But she's going to get guilted in the hand of that family if this the best. I'm going to say it. The best thing ever happened to that Vanderbi family is that guy died. They're going to be great.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Good Christmas.

[Brady Bogan]

Thank you, Papa.

[Brett Vesely]

There's an article. It says the Van Der Beek's family at risk of losing their home over medical debts. That's what the fundraiser saying.

[Brady Bogan]

There you go, Brady.

[John Holberg]

You seem to act like normal. There you go. If you were about to lose your. Your. Your house because of your kidneys. Yeah, you're losing your house pretty much. It happens to normal people all the time. Send this to normal people to hear about Brett's cousin. He's gonna lose his house.

[Brady Bogan]

It's like you hear about these deals that are settling medical bills for like nothing.

[John Holberg]

Well, also $2 million.

[Brady Bogan]

What? Who was it Colbert did like $3,000 worth, got rid of 30 million.

[John Holberg]

And yeah, you can negotiate it down. And there's plenty of people who have lost their asses because of medical bills. And I don't remember any.

[DJ Easy Dick]

I don't know.

[John Holberg]

Being famous is awesome. And we all need to get this right. Go to Trajan wealth and take care of yourself. What? What? Vanderbeek's story sounds like it was a mess.

[Brady Bogan]

I wanna. I wanna know how many homes the hospitals have or I guess the banks would get the home.

[John Holberg]

I don't know how that works. All I know, leveraged out of there. I've got nothing. That's your. That's your stuff.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

When you. When you get upside down, you have to sell your stuff when you're normal. Van Der Beek. Who's thought of Van Der Beek in.

[DJ Easy Dick]

The last 15 years?

[John Holberg]

It's a sad story, but that's where it ends. Clean it up, people. Your hearts are pumping too hard. Nobody's gonna do this for you. We raise money for Brady's kidney mice. For even I'm like, you're all right. We've got, like, good insurance. What are you asking people for?

[Brady Bogan]

Money?

[John Holberg]

That's grifting. That used to be called grifting. Why is this rich guy getting tons of money now? Well, he might lose his house. Well, this happens every day to someone.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah, but.

[John Holberg]

I know, but he wasn't on Dawson's Creek.

[Brady Bogan]

I paid for my C section.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, you paid for yours. You went out of pocket. You didn't start going, this is rough, Kirby. School's expensive and now I got to kick in. I don't really want to do that. Why don't you guys pay for it? It's smart in its own way, but anyway, I don't get it.

[Brady Bogan]

It also didn't go over the limit. I understand people get into it like, oh, well, you have a $2 million limit, then you got to pay. That's.

[John Holberg]

Then you weren't planning ahead when you got diagnosed, and it was always a preexist.

[Brady Bogan]

Okay.

[John Holberg]

Then you got a ranch to sell. It's. Sorry. I hate to be a dick about it, but sorry. That's called your assets. And you pay your bills with your ass.

[Brady Bogan]

Family, vote, kids. What do you think?

[John Holberg]

What do you think, dad?

[Brady Bogan]

We're pulling the plug.

[John Holberg]

If Daddy's dies, we're gonna triple our value.

[DJ Easy Dick]

So this is.

[John Holberg]

And he ain't getting any Dawson's Creek reunion gigs. So crazy. Six o' clock word is teeth. I've been reading this thing and it shouldn't make me mad, but it's. It's confusing because prior to stuff actually.

[Brady Bogan]

Huh.

[Brett Vesely]

He's been in a lot of stuff.

[Brady Bogan]

He's done.

[John Holberg]

He's done good. Good friend he's got. Every time he does something, he gets more medical insurance from sag.

[Brady Bogan]

You know why I think it's even more confusing for you or. And some other people. It's. Majority of people, I would say. Like in that crate.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. No, I don't get it. Great. Yeah.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

Meanwhile, you'll HEAR A story.

[Brady Bogan]

$2 million for Vanderbilt.

[John Holberg]

You'll hear a story that somebody had medical bills and lost their house.

[DJ Easy Dick]

You're like, well, I don't know.

[John Holberg]

They weren't on Dawson's Creek, so what?

[Brett Vesely]

Or Varsity Blues.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. They didn't do the bikini scene. The whipped cream bikini scenes. Craziness. Bananas.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Anyway, how are we talking about all of a sudden? Big Love weekend.

[John Holberg]

Come on now. The six o' clock word for the Nine Inch Nails thing today is teeth. T E E T, H. Yeah. I just don't get it. I just don't know where. Look Fine. You sent your money, you're up. It's up to you. Go ahead and do it. But what's next?

[DJ Easy Dick]

Like, who has.

[John Holberg]

When do we draw that line? If Jack Nicholson dies and he's like, turns out he had bad insurance, are we going to give him money, too? And the dude probably made $500 million through his. Well, I mismanaged pretty much all of it on whores and cocaine.

[Brady Bogan]

He outlived it.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah, sorry about that.

[John Holberg]

You should probably keep my family in riches.

[DJ Easy Dick]

I didn't do it, but.

[John Holberg]

I wouldn't. It's his if his life.

[Brady Bogan]

Celebrity. Would you kick in?

[John Holberg]

None. This should be fun. Nobody should kick in for me.

[Brady Bogan]

Brett.

[John Holberg]

What?

[Brady Bogan]

Pesci.

[John Holberg]

You're gonna send Pesci money? If he's like, turns out I was pretty bad with money. And like, oh, that's your fault.

[Brett Vesely]

No, he should have as many movies as he's been in.

[John Holberg]

No. Nobody should kick in for me. Oops. I. I'm sick and I'm getting killed. I don't want to sell my house. You guys want to pay for my bills for me? Well, did you not. Yeah, I know it's pretty rough on me, but the house. Wouldn't you mind paying for that for me? Everybody. Like, what's wrong with you? It's grifting you, deadbeat. Sell your house, pay your bills. Says 2 million for Beacon. 100,000 for the missing 84 year old lady. That's true. They raised 100 grand down there in Tucson for a woman that might still be alive. Tick tock, tick tock young Catherine away. So I don't get it. I don't get. I don't get you. I don't get you guys anymore.

[Brady Bogan]

Your Bethany Frankel's theory.

[David Attell]

No.

[Brady Bogan]

That a news personality in Arizona is the one who wrote.

[John Holberg]

I don't think any of it's real. I think the whole thing has been calculated on television.

[Brett Vesely]

Ian Schwartz, man.

[John Holberg]

That's exactly what Schwartz would do.

[Brady Bogan]

She thinks it's one of the ones because Savannah did work at a station here. Not in Phoenix. I don't know. Maybe.

[John Holberg]

Probably Tucson. So she was down in Tucson working for a little bit and then disgruntled. Thirty years later, some guy's like, now I'm gonna get her payback.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah. I don't know. Anyway.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, that thing's all weird. The Vanderbilt thing doesn't make any sense to me. All I want. All I care about Javier saying he.

[Brett Vesely]

Obviously faked his death and is collecting it all.

[John Holberg]

That's what I'm gonna. I'M thinking Mickey Rourke is going to pretend dead, and somebody. Somebody's going to get all that money, and they're going to go live in Barbados. I don't get. I don't get the world anymore. I don't get these donations to. It doesn't make sense. Take care and keep your own money. What if it turns out later you need it? You're like, I should have never given Vanderbie 10 grand. Now I'm upside down. I gotta sell my house. Maybe I could start it. Nobody's gonna go to your Gofundme, Dawson's. That's my point. Dawson's Creek just wasn't that good. It was okay. It wasn't good enough to be, like, losing your mind over whether or not his family keeps the house. I'm sorry.

[Brady Bogan]

I feel bad now. I never watched an episode.

[John Holberg]

Right, well, you should give money for that. You blew it, buddy. I never watched that either.

[Brady Bogan]

Chick show.

[John Holberg]

Katie Holmes was cute.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah, but it was a girl show.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

John Evans is the devil. Says the money is for Beak's wife's vagina restoration surgery. After pushing out six kids, she's back on the market. Needs to tighten that thing up. That's even. Even. As for that, as I am, it's not gonna cost $2 million. Tighten that back up, I swap it out for Savannahs. Swap it out for Nancy Guthrie. Talk about medical expenses. Although they are saving right now. Switch that out. Let's give 100 grand to tighten up Mrs. Beak and then give 2 million to the Guthrie family as they continue their search for ransoms and stuff. I just don't.

[David Attell]

I don't.

[John Holberg]

I don't think it's. I just don't think it's beautiful or it's so lovely. And, like, why are we doing that for him? Who else gets this? I don't know. The Internet randomly picks and chooses weird things to get money and pilot it and give it to families. The next guy that doesn't get any, I'm going to be curious as to why Kevin Spacey almost lost his house and cried on tv. He's like, I got to sell all my stuff because I'm broke. Fighting legal battles is something that evidently he was cleared for. Nobody gave him any money to save his. His house in Baltimore.

[Brett Vesely]

Jonathan says, I owe over three grand to Banner Health. Can somebody donate to my poor ass?

[John Holberg]

Yeah. No. You know, because you screwed something up at Banner Health. You didn't have good insurance, or you went in there and you shouldn't have, or. I don't know, we all run that risk. I got my fingers crossed it doesn't happen to me, but I'm gonna start handing money to my favorite 90s TV show just in case I need that later. And what kind of desperate and sad mid-30s woman is still like, oh, my.

[DJ Easy Dick]

God, I got a thing for vanderbieke. I better give him some cash.

[Brett Vesely]

Well, this guy says, well, nobody gave any money to Matthew Perry. What's going on here? He was 90, you know.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

He was upside down, right in the pool. I mean, at least sort of GoFundMe to drain the spa, clean it out.

[Brady Bogan]

The addiction thing just doesn't pay off.

[John Holberg]

Doesn't pay off. I guess we knew the beak. I liked Vander Beek. He's a nice guy, but even he.

[Brady Bogan]

Would be like this now if that money came in. You're in debt.

[John Holberg]

Me?

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

It's called grifting.

[Brady Bogan]

But someone offered to say, hey, I want. I'd like to.

[John Holberg]

Brady, the majority of the United States is in debt. Almost everybody has some debt.

[Brett Vesely]

I think it's one thing if Steven Spielberg rolls up and says, here you go, here's some money. I'll hook this up, not go on a gofundme and make it public for the average Joe blows like you and.

[Brady Bogan]

I like the billionaire could maybe throw.

[John Holberg]

Yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

Just step in. Here you go.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. Without any wanted but without any rah rahs around it.

[Brett Vesely]

It's like, here you go. Just take this. If you care that much.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

You can send.

[Brady Bogan]

That's how much he cared.

[David Attell]

Yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

That he had put his name up there instead of anonymous.

[David Attell]

Brett's hitting on what?

[Brady Bogan]

I'm with you. I would have put my name.

[John Holberg]

I think that's what's bugging me. Yeah. Is that Spielberg just got props. He could have done that privately. Right. And you're right. He went on the GoFundMe and said, look, me too. This is all about the people donating. It has nothing to do with love or caring. My cynicism is screaming at this. And people. People don't like talking about topics like this because it's a little uncomfortable, but I'm not wrong. Like, there's. That's a hundred percent accurate what Brett just said.

[Brady Bogan]

If you can put your name up there, put it up for the 2 mil.

[John Holberg]

And people.

[Brady Bogan]

You know what? Exactly.

[John Holberg]

It's not.

[Brett Vesely]

Spielberg can't afford it.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

Spielberg's 25k.

[Brett Vesely]

That's nothing to him.

[John Holberg]

Guys, knock weird, grifting Internet nonsense off. I'm going to give them money. They're covered.

[Brady Bogan]

20.

[John Holberg]

They're covered. And take all your money back. There's no reason for this. None. That's 100% it. You nailed it. Is that when I started to see people like, ooh, look who donated? It's like, this isn't about a dead.

[Brady Bogan]

It's.

[John Holberg]

It's dismissive to the beak. I almost killed William Shatner back in November. I didn't reach into my pocket and start stuffing it here just in case.

[Brett Vesely]

You and Frank didn't start up a GoFundMe.

[John Holberg]

Well, we would have because we know him. Like, that was pretty traumatizing to Frank and I when he dropped in front of us. Like, maybe, maybe we could get some cash out of this. It's disgusting. It's. It's seedy and gross is what I'm seeing. There's 100% across the board now. Celebrities will be like, oh, Spielberg gay. Look at all the attention and things he's getting. TMZ talking about, I should probably give to the beak. Next thing you know, they've got like $25 million and like wife sitting there going, I want.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Their dad died a long time ago.

[John Holberg]

This is great. Terrible. Everybody's got debt. You have debt. You know, if you're out paid, you got debt. I got that. Brett's got debt. We all have it. I might not be upside down in life, but I have debt. I still gotta pay for stuff. I could get run into a wall right now and company could tell me all your insurance doesn't cover that and I'd be in trouble. Guess what I'd have to do? Sell all my stuff. I'm not. The last thing as a proud individual man I would do is say, hey, I. I got a big problem on my hands and I'm not willing to part with any of my stuff. You guys pay me and help me stay afloat. I would want to sell my things. I would want to get all my stuff and take care of my life. That's called pride. You can get a little help now and again.

[DJ Easy Dick]

This is ridiculous.

[Brady Bogan]

That's three quarters of the reason why you try to invest or save money.

[John Holberg]

Why you to pay. Stockpile some cash for a rainy day. It's what it's called anyway. I don't even know how that works. God just said, what about taxes and stuff? Does he have to pay taxes? I'm like, I don't even know how go fund and probably gifting tax. I have no idea. Is it a write off? Does Spielberg get to write that office? It's not a 501? It's not a real charity donation.

[DJ Easy Dick]

I have no idea. No clue, man.

[John Holberg]

This one says, tell Brady to STFU and quit trying to find a good.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Reason for the grifting.

[John Holberg]

Donate to Kirby's college fund if he cares that much. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Kids need to go to college and dad can't afford it.

[Brett Vesely]

No, I think he's saying. No, I think he's saying, donate Kirby's. Oh, donate.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, that's true.

[Brett Vesely]

That much.

[John Holberg]

Yeah.

[David Attell]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

Brady, you're not gonna do that.

[Brady Bogan]

Is that what he's picking up?

[John Holberg]

That's right. You get on board with us.

[Brady Bogan]

You've been looking to donate.

[John Holberg]

You've been pretty goddamn mouthy about it since we started.

[Brady Bogan]

You know what?

[Brett Vesely]

I'm gonna throw Kirby, you're going MCC now.

[John Holberg]

Sorry. Yeah. She's going back to the money. Yeah. The beak gets our cash.

[Brady Bogan]

Sorry.

[John Holberg]

He's in trouble. Gotta help the beak. But Daddy's dead. I know. And he had six kids and a ranch that needs a lot of work. That's not fair.

[Brett Vesely]

GoFundMes are not tax deductible.

[John Holberg]

So meanwhile, there's this dude in Maryville. A kid got shot in the front yard two years ago. And they stopped even trying to investigate. He goes on the news every once in a while ago. Can somebody please help out? No.

[Brady Bogan]

That'll be another GoFundMe. They'll pay for the tax.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, yeah. It would be real moves. We really appreciate it. But this tax bill's coming and we really don't want to dip into that money you guys gave us. So if you could, let's double down on this. And that'll pay for the taxes. Cause we really don't want to sacrifice anything. We've been through enough. Don't you think we're the only people who've ever had someone in our family die before? So we don't really. I think when they ask celebrities that are pregnant, what's it like being a mom? Look, everybody knows that this isn't. They're not different of being. Oh, it's so exciting. And you know, the nannies and you don't ask people. Oh, my God. Are you excited to be a mother? No one's ever said no. I kind of hope it dies. The answer's the same no matter if you're poor or rich. Crazy people. I personally, I don't think I could do it.

[Brett Vesely]

What, donate?

[John Holberg]

No, Just start to go fund me because it's desperate. You take the easy way out when you're like oh, man, we're. You do the Bill Heywood. You're like, we're wildly upside down and we're not healthy. We should go rent a room at a hotel and make Consuela clean up our brains.

[DJ Easy Dick]

This is exactly what Heywood did.

[John Holberg]

Former radio personality Bill Heywood, he went out with a little pride, took his sick wife over the hospital, the Days Inn or wherever he went. Said, we don't have any cash and I can't pay for your medical stuff.

[DJ Easy Dick]

And I'm not begging, so.

[John Holberg]

And it's romantic. That was a Valentine's Day gesture. Really wonder if Pratt donated.

[Brett Vesely]

I mean, I'm sure the beak was on the show all the time.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Visit Holmberg's morning sickness [e-mail] well, it's.

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[DJ Easy Dick]

Holmberg's Morning Sickness.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, Pratt and the beak were good. Yeah, check it soon. I gave a billion dollars to the beak, baby. Anyway, that's not what I wanted to talk about this long this morning.

[DJ Easy Dick]

But it is a.

[John Holberg]

It is a frustratingly strange world we live in when you see that kind of stuff. And then everybody out there is bitching about the rich having too much and the poor and the billionaires do this and the class. And then we give Vanderbeek a couple million dollars so he can keep his ranch you people are all over the road. I can't keep up with your silly brains. Can we get a little consistency in there where we used to just see. Oh my God, did you hear that? Celebrity died and he was broke. And then like an hour later I'm just having a burger and not caring about it anymore because I never knew them. Hey, Joobird. You're telling me that if you donate to a rich Dudes go fund me? Or that if I donate to a rich dude's GoFundMe, I'm a hero, but if I donate to a single mom's only fans page, I'm a pig? What happened to America? That's so true. The women who need. The people who really need this money that are upside down or those onlyfans broads. That's where America used to live. God damn it. Strippers trying to get through college and raise two kids.

[Brett Vesely]

I'm going to Sunny's today and donating.

[John Holberg]

So wave the flag. I'm gonna help out this girl, that girl that we had in the other Sarah, who was in here whoring herself out for a date, telling us that she had some dude that would show up every Friday and hose her for a thousand dollars and she's still barely making it. Don't start a GoFundMe for that. You ask what's in it for me? Do I get to bone Vanderbeek's wife? No. Then it's not the old America I know. Brainy. No kings. I might start a march. Are we gonna march? I might start a march. Only fans. Girls are the only ones who deserve your cash. Literally. I had her put syrup on her feet, try to stick to a wall. I gave her 50 bucks. She didn't even do it right. Didn't care. I know that baby ate that night. That's how I feel good about myself. Those tramps over there that had unprotected sex a couple of times with dudes who aren't around anymore and they need money, gotta flash their snooches on the Internet just to make some gerbers happen.

[Brady Bogan]

It's working.

[John Holberg]

But I get you. I bet. I guarantee you she's selling clothes and jewelry every once in a while when times get tight because that's the only thing tight on her. Nobody wants to pay for that Arby sandwich she flashes in front of the screen now and again. You want to see it again? I'm actually going to pay you not.

[DJ Easy Dick]

To show me that again.

[John Holberg]

Here's 50 bucks to put that away. Put the buns back on it. What's that, horsey sauce? Exactly, Brady. That's the America we used to know and love in America. I love when you had two kids and you couldn't afford your bills, you had to show people your snooch on a Friday night and hope that it didn't disgust them.

[Brett Vesely]

Make America great again.

[John Holberg]

And the America I loved, Brett, you were upside down in your bills, wander down there, and you'd dry hump some dude from the Middle east in sweatpants for an hour, and he'd give you $1,000, and you made things happen. You try to stick your foot in your mouth or something on tv, it'll give you money. What do I have to do? I don't know. Do you have a fireplace poker?

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

All right, I'll give you 100 bucks. Oh, my God. Okay. You put your pride aside. You're not keeping your ranch. No stripper would ever get away with this, and they're doing the work of thousands of men.

[DJ Easy Dick]

This is the America I love.

[John Holberg]

Not go fund me. Go me and save the. Save the ranch.

[DJ Easy Dick]

I don't get it.

[John Holberg]

There's plenty of single moms that on polls with six kids saving their apartment, for God's sake, get those butt calipers.

[Brady Bogan]

And start eating cereal out of it.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, exactly. They can't even call their parents anymore and go, I can't make rent.

[DJ Easy Dick]

I got.

[John Holberg]

Well, you know what, honey? That's enough. You have to stand on your own two feet.

[Brett Vesely]

Can you shoot Nerf balls out of your ass?

[John Holberg]

Do you have ping pong balls at all? Your dad's asking for a friend. I'll go get more. That's the. That's got to be. The most prideless moment in a poor woman's life is going over to, like, big five and going, where are the ping pong balls? What do you like, the white ones or the orange ones?

[DJ Easy Dick]

I'm gonna go with both. Doesn't matter.

[John Holberg]

Also, I don't have any money, so I'm gonna have to blow the guy behind the counter for ping pong balls. I'll give you free access to my page for a day. You can watch me shoot these all over because I've got a Chinese guy.

[DJ Easy Dick]

That follows me, and he wants me.

[John Holberg]

To play ping pong against a wall with my.

[Brady Bogan]

You know, two months later, the guy, Big five's like, hey, she's back. She wants many soccer balls.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah, she's.

[John Holberg]

The ping pong balls weren't cutting it. That's the America I grew up in. Dana Plato was dead broke From Different Strokes. Remember that dead broke Winnebago? What'd she do? One of the playboy Hugh Hefner's like, I'll give you 150, 000, but it ain't free. You gotta see that.

[DJ Easy Dick]

You gotta see your.

[John Holberg]

Your Kimberly Drummond snooch that everybody was aiming at for years.

[Brett Vesely]

Hey, Mr. Drummond. Didn't even kick down on that one.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Thank you.

[John Holberg]

Gary Coleman. You know of Gary Coleman. Got pushed down the stairs, and kidney disease and diabetes and everything else. And a girlfriend pushed him down the stairs. You know what he got. Everybody was laughing. He was upside down and everything. But nobody raised $2 million for Arnold Drummond.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Jackson.

[John Holberg]

The America I know. When you're in trouble, someone close to you has to show their snooch to other people, strangers. Then you can keep your ranch.

[DJ Easy Dick]

That's what you do.

[John Holberg]

Right?

[Brady Bogan]

Now.

[John Holberg]

If you were gonna lose that, all your stuff, you turn to Mathias and go. There is one more option before we start betting.

[Brady Bogan]

You have to have a heart to heart with Ronnie.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, Ronnie, I know things are not looking good. This kidney stuff really set us back. We're gonna lose the house. But if you start showing that sweet honeyhole to strangers on the Internet, maybe Russians, even, you'll never run into these people.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Kirby can still go to Gilbert Christian in it.

[John Holberg]

12 grand a pull. Carry your weight. My kidneys hurt.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Anyway.

[John Holberg]

Good luck, America.

[DJ Easy Dick]

You're making.

[John Holberg]

You're confusing the hell out of me. Sorry for the Vander beaks, I really.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Am, but this is ridiculous.

[John Holberg]

And the Spielberg thing is.

[Brady Bogan]

Well, this will cushion the blow to the family.

[John Holberg]

So many families getting blown right now with no cushion. John, what happened to your Juno's? Something happened to the beak. I heard the beak. Is it a fundraiser for you or Vanderbeek? Oh, he thought I broke my nose.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Because I say we need to raise.

[John Holberg]

Money for my beak because I got a big nose. Kyle says, I have a dream. One day, poor black women and poor white women will show their snooches for money without the chains of a Gofundme holding them down, live and in person. I told the stripper years ago, we weren't allowed to see them with their bottoms off. And she was bent over on the stage. And I told my friend Steve, I said, hey, her butthole's showing. And we got yelled at for that. It wasn't our fault. And he tapped her on the shoulder and said, excuse me, ma', am.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Your butthole is out.

[John Holberg]

You guys are assholes.

[DJ Easy Dick]

No, no. That's what we're talking about. With you right now.

[John Holberg]

And she had to swallow her pride and scoot her thong back over her wagon wheel so we all didn't get yelled at for looking at her. And then Steve got in trouble for tapping her on the shoulder.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Don't touch the girls.

[David Attell]

Okay?

[John Holberg]

We've got a problem here. Nobody's keeping an eye on the fact that wagon wheels are loose. And we gave her money for that. And she fed her baby with it.

[DJ Easy Dick]

And it was beautiful.

[David Attell]

That's America.

[Brady Bogan]

The America circle of life.

[John Holberg]

That's right. It's the circle of a tragic whore's life. I'm sorry you had three kids and nobody stuck around to raise them. You have got to get in shape and start showing that butthole to people in order to feed your children. I can start a GoFundMe. No, that's. That's stealing. You have to earn this. That's how it's supposed to work. We talked to Ronnie later today. Just tell her I'm tired of being in debt. What are we doing here? You got all this currency in there and you're not using it before your Galentines.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

Before you go out and complain about.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Me with the ladies, you get a.

[John Holberg]

Couple of snapshots of this cavern. You can see [e-mail]. just endless pictures.

[DJ Easy Dick]

That's the world I want to live in.

[John Holberg]

I have two emails I want to get to in seconds. But it's going to start off our Valentine super special today, just for a little while, for Valentine's Day, based on these emails.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

We're gonna. We're gonna start. We're gonna bring back kiss 12:30. The rhythm of the city.

[David Attell]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

And we're gonna allow you guys to do Love love requests this morning.

[Brady Bogan]

Post it to your love.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. And you can have. We're not gonna play. Post it or. It's not a game. It's just definitely. These emails are hilarious. And they start, like, yesterday. Fire it up. We'll do a little still test it out.

[Brett Vesely]

Hang on one second.

[DJ Easy Dick]

DJ Easy Dig from KISS 1230. Coming home back to you. Hello, Phoenix. How's it going out there? DJ Easy Dig waking you up 6, 20, 23 with that weird thing. You know what we was up to last night, baby? We woke up in that tender embrace. Your skin was sort of stuck to mine in that weird. We didn't wipe it all off way.

[John Holberg]

But we also kind of liked being.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Stuck together for a little bit. So long as nobody's hair got pulled out from their chest sometimes. Ladies, we know that's you how about this one here? It says, Dear DJ Eazy Digit Kiss 12:30, the rhythm of the city. I know you don't do this, but I desperately want to win my ex back. And he's a big fan of the show and I know he's listening. He caught me in September on my phone.

[John Holberg]

You see, I went down on a.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Guy a long time ago and he resurfaced and started texting me. And my boyfriend at the time thought I was still involved with him, which I am not. Everything is just a huge misunderstanding. And I know he will listen to your show and hear your reasoning. Please, for God's sakes, he won't answer my texts or calls, but he will hear you. Please tell Kevin Burner that I need him and I miss him and I'm so sorry. Stephanie. Stephanie. The only thing missing from that letter was what you're sorry for, which was sucking on too often. Let's just break this down a little bit on the old kiss 1230 love line.

[John Holberg]

Little ad she didn't.

[DJ Easy Dick]

She didn't say what she was with Kevin Burner while she was out there sucking on didn't belong to Kevin. She just said she went down on a guy. And who can blame her for that? Sounds like a good woman to me. Kevin, if you're out there listening right now and you haven't found anybody to suck on your since Stephanie decided to whore her mouth out for free, why don't you call Stephanie up today and pound her through the floor for Valentine's. Unless of course, she's fat and sucking on chili dogs all day. You're lucky to get away from her. I need a photograph of Stephanie. Cause maybe she just likes having hot dog shaped items in her mouth on a regular basis and can't control it. The Kiss 1230 love line is incomplete. With Stephanie's letter, we should dedicate a song to Stephanie and Kevin. Suck My Kiss.

[John Holberg]

Kevin.

[DJ Easy Dick]

If you're interested, Stephanie's still in and she's probably all out of dick. She sucked her way back to you. You.

[John Holberg]

You got to suck your way back.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Thanks, Easy D. You're welcome, Phoenix Kiss 1230 Loveline. If you've got any questions, you can email homur98kvd.com with your Loveline request. This one I had to dig for, but it was very funny. Yesterday we Brit and I was talking about this says hey. It starts off says hey Hberg. But it should say hey DJ Easy Dick. Will you please play Al Green a lot today? I'm trying to have sex with a Black girl that sits next to me at the office.

[John Holberg]

Oh, yeah.

[DJ Easy Dick]

When you talked about it yesterday, she walked by and said, now that's the smartest thing that show's ever said. I listened to you at my desk. Help me fulfill the fever, Josh. Oh, yeah. Josh wants a little. Let's play a little Al Green for Josh. Let's kick it off a little Al Green, the DJ Loveline.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, we'll do a little Al Green.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Hopefully they're at work sitting there, and you can make a little chocolate milk. And those panties sitting next to you.

[Brady Bogan]

The closer.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Oh, yeah, we're gonna close it up for you, Josh. Now, don't screw this up. You take that white weasel and you bury it in that dark hole. I want you to do something where Stephen Hawking would even say, I have not seen gravitational pull on a black hole in my life as strong as what I'm watching. When Josh goes inside that black co worker and I need you to do it with a little Al Green going to the back room. Hit it. Al Green coming at you for that delicious Negro. And Josh, kiss 1230 Loveline Valentine Special. Take it Al. Visit Holmberg's morning sickness [e-mail] Homeburg's Morning Morning Sickness. Al taking it home now. Kiss 12:30, the rhythm of the city. DJ Eazy, Dick, along with Brady and.

[John Holberg]

Brett.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Making your day go right into Valentine's, which is how we all say it in the urban world. Valentine's Day is tomorrow. Galentine's tonight if you want to go hit a fat, desperate broad. Postinos is running specials all night long for them in gaggles. Groups of five, most likely. All bitching about the last time they had sex. And now they don't need no man. All right. And want to say thank you out there. Real quick hit to the people listening to Kiss 1230 this morning. Andrew Krieger has come in with a suggestion for Stephanie. You know, she's the one with that jaw that dislodges too often and she starts blowing people that don't belong to her anyhow. Andrew says, you know how you could fix it. Thank you very much for loudly coming back in with that. Scared me to death.

[Brett Vesely]

Sorry I had to give you your music back.

[DJ Easy Dick]

God damn, that was a little loud. But you know what? I'm never complaining when Lou Rawls comes at you in a hot way.

[John Holberg]

Coming in hot.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Lou Rawls. Hey, by the way, we're starting to go fund me for Lou Rawls. I think he's dead and might as well raise A little money here. We're gonna have a car wash for Lou. Andrew says hey for Stephanie and Joss.

[John Holberg]

If she really wants to get them.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Back, why doesn't she offer up her difficult brown? Unless, of course, she's got texts from people who are in that too. All we care about right now is that Josh is dipping that peanut butter stick into that chocolate broad at his office. We're over Stephanie and Josh. But that's a good piece of advice to all you ladies out there who are losing your man. That butthole. It goes a long way in making a man forget what you've done wrong. You could actually be blowing a guy, and he's like, what's this? And you come into the room, it's like, don't worry about it. There's another one for you back there. Second story. Oh, the kiss 12:30 loveline is gonna make me happy all day long. Hey, we're taking phone calls on the loveline request line, 585-9800. If you want to talk about your relationship at all with DJ Ezydick, he's here for you. You're not gonna miss anybody's loving this weekend. It's gonna be all right. And the sadness of a man who's thinking he's gonna spend his time alone this weekend. Just remember, there's a lot of whores out there that'll take money for you so you don't have to be lonely strippers. Street walkers, for God's sakes. The Internet is filled with women that will get filled by you on Valentine's Day, no strings attached. You don't have to worry about periods or anything, because usually they don't go online that week. They shut it down. They go dark. As they should. Like the Bible says when you're on your period, you should just walk around the city limits and never touch anything that has to be burned if you do. I'm not a religious man, but the Bible nailed that one. Oh, is that time of the month? You got cramps?

[John Holberg]

Here's your packed suitcase.

[DJ Easy Dick]

I know it.

[John Holberg]

Maybe that's it. I just figured something out, Brett, you know, sorry, dj. I gotta interrupt DJ EZ Dick for a second. Where's my music, DJ Eazydick? Don't you suppose that that's why women are pavlovian? Every time you go on a vacation, they start a period is because back in the Bible's days when they had their period that somebody had a bag packed for them? That's a very interesting and astute observation.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Full suitcases.

[Brady Bogan]

Well done.

[John Holberg]

Make a woman's tomato patch start to run.

[DJ Easy Dick]

My God, it's biblical. The Bible says, bitch, if you bleed, you walk the city streets, you go somewhere else. And they just can't get that out of their system. After years and years and years of.

[John Holberg]

Breeding it out, they bleed, they ruin.

[DJ Easy Dick]

You pack a suitcase for them and it's gonna happen. That's amazing.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, you know, I'm just here to help.

[DJ Easy Dick]

All right, that's enough. These days are Dick taking old. Also, we got a suggestion from somebody called B. Bogan that says if you're lonely, the fish never fight back. That's an interesting thought. I guess he must be watching the movie Splash this weekend.

[Brady Bogan]

I love you, Madison.

[DJ Easy Dick]

That's a very good thing. Above this one I want to dedicate. Oh, we're gonna do this? For sure. It's ecstasy when you lay down next to me. Can we hear a little berry white this morning on Kiss 12? You're goddamn right, weekend.

[John Holberg]

Speaking of white, has Josh gotten inside.

[DJ Easy Dick]

That black girl yet?

[Brady Bogan]

It should be well over.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah, it should be over by now. Every time you get into the black stuff, it happens. She's probably already three months pregnant. Black girl hates hearing, gotta get milk. Because usually that means she's gonna be a single mother for a while. But when we're talking about Josh, his milk is different. Cause it comes from the white cow. Josh not probably not gonna be around much for that mocha baby you two just made in the office place. But at least the bills will be.

[John Holberg]

Paid.

[DJ Easy Dick]

And your child will grow up with a functioning fire detector. That's the best thing about a white man. No beeps.

[John Holberg]

I can't see it.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Oh, my God. Brady's. I forgot about the big kiss. 12:30, Valentine's Day. Hellcat Car Wash tomorrow. Sorry, DJ Azy, Dick's going too far. I don't know what just happened there, DJ EazyDick, but when you called it a woman's tomato patch, it made me throw up. Hopefully it made you throw up in your pants. Cause that's the goal for this week.

[Brady Bogan]

Beefsteak.

[DJ Easy Dick]

All right, we'll be back a little later with more Kiss 1230 Loveline. If you're interested in talking about your love. Homburger 98K. There he goes.

[John Holberg]

Thank you. Easy, Dick. He's smooth.

[Brady Bogan]

Keeping couples together, uniting couples.

[DJ Easy Dick]

I just. Hold on. I just got this email. I think people have confused the situation with that slack jawed blowjob queen and the dude who wants to bang the co worker.

[John Holberg]

You got your colors mixed up.

[DJ Easy Dick]

John, it says, Stephanie is a whore. You're not wrong about that.

[John Holberg]

She had no business texting that.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Oh, I misread it. I thought it said that dude black. It says dude back. She's not upset that she blew that guy. She's just sorry she got caught. Everybody's sorry they got caught. That's a stupid thing to say. Nobody's happy they got caught. Nobody's deep inside their side squish saying, can't wait till my wife hears about this. She's gonna go crazy. Another question for the Kiss 12:30 love line. Dear DJ Easy Dick, what am I supposed to do on Valentine's Day with my expired wife? She's over 40. Oh, my, that is tough. And sounds disgusting. An over 40 wife and you're still taking her out for Valentine's Day? I guess you get it to the early bird special. Do they still have Piccadilly's? Maybe even go over to the safeware and grab one of those pre cooked roasted chickens and toss it on a plate. Look at the back of the chicken and say, does that remind you of anything? Because it's super familiar to me. And when she says, what do you mean? Pull her pants down and put it next to it and do a side by side. Destroy her confidence deep down inside. She'll never leave you once she realizes that she's got a roasted chicken. Now, I know that excites a lot of the Kiss 1230 audience to think of a roasted chicken.

[John Holberg]

But.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Alfie, stop it, bruh. Anyway, we'll be right back.

[John Holberg]

And we got a lot of work to do over here. The roasted chicken suggestion for that's nice for Valentine's Day, I think.

[Brady Bogan]

Delicious rotisserie chicken.

[John Holberg]

Oh, my God, look. It's basically sex in a bag. When I smell. When that cracks open and you smell that in the house, man, I tells you, teeth is the word for six o'.

[Brady Bogan]

Clock.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Highly against those. If you want a good Valentine's Day. Ladies, let's not use any of the code word for six o', clock, all right? And smooth. Kind of like horse's lips, only with none of those gigantic choppers getting involved. This one says DJ Easy Dick. Can you please put the song from R. Kelly Feeling on your booty for my wife? Cause I just love that. God damn, you're gonna make me cry, DJ Ezek. Gotta take a break. I got t. I'm not crying. You're crying. I have allergies. There's something in the air. There's dust. Anyway, did you hear those beautiful words?

[John Holberg]

Do you write for Hall Wor Hallmark.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Sir, no woman wouldn't mind hearing that car come her way today. I'd love to feel on your booty R. Kelly style. I just love you, bitch. God damn. You're not gonna miss any of them. How do I get a. Oh, this is good. This is a good question for DJ Easy Dick says. DJ Easy Dick. How do I get out of a date I made while before jerking it post?

[John Holberg]

Jerk.

[DJ Easy Dick]

I wanted nothing to do with this. I wasn't thinking with clarity. I was thinking with a full sack. Get me out of this and get me out of it fast. Start talking dirty about her bottom on the first date, she's gonna run from you. That'll make it so you don't have to have her hanging around.

[Brady Bogan]

It's also the flu going around.

[DJ Easy Dick]

That's a good idea. Stop picking your nose at dinner. Make her hate you.

[John Holberg]

Or watch porn.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Build it up and she'll be attractive again. Fill the bag, my friend. Fill the bag. Cause unless she's over 40 or overweight, ain't no getting over her.

[Brady Bogan]

What was I thinking?

[DJ Easy Dick]

God damn it. This is backfired. There's too many emails now. I expected maybe three, but. D. E.J. sorry, D.J. easy Dick. I got a chance to bang this chick at work. Pretty nice. Pretty lady, nice body, goes to the gym. She even asked me out for Valentine's Day. Ooh, I love a desperate bitch. I love a desperate bitch that'll just show up at your house at 9 o' clock and start knocking cause you forgot you locked her out like a house cat. Anyway, here's the deal. She's autistic. Oh my. Now she works full time. How much on the scale are we talking? Is one or both eyes? Yeah, look, she's got a job. I mean, she works full time, she can drive. Well, that's a low bar you're setting. Capable of getting a driver's license is not necessarily a partner in life. Anyway, she lives by herself and she's functional. Well, these are things that you have really said. She must be very, very sexy. I think I saw her at Kurt Warner's Treasure House mopping up. Anyway, DJz Dick, I feel like banging her would be like playing the game on Easy Mode. I need advice. What should I do? Sign Jimmy Batts? Do you have to ask a state employed helper to take her out on a date? Do you have to get permission from someone that's commissioned to look after her?

[John Holberg]

As long as she's out on her own saying yes and no to things?

[DJ Easy Dick]

Well, then, damn it all, I think she's up for grabs. So my suggestion to you is to go over to the Safeway, buy that roasted chicken once again. Never, ever get through the Safeway without a roasted chicken. You're gonna need that 4.99.

[John Holberg]

Hit that jelly bean aisle and watch.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Her eyes roll back in her head like nobody's autistic business. And then buy her some paints and an easel and put that autistic bitch to work. If she's autistic, prove it.

[Brady Bogan]

Coloring books are good too.

[DJ Easy Dick]

They love to color. Put Dora the Explorer on lightly in the background and say mira. Mira, Aki. And maybe even write the word jelly bean on the side of your penis. And watch her devour that like there's no tomorrow. As far as I know. If she's high on the spectrum, she loves jelly beans. Maybe have some tap shoes nearby. Cause distract her with weird noises for a little while. But here's what I've learned about the ladies. None of their brains work properly. The autistic ones are just a little bit louder about it. But buttholes can't be autistic. And that's the message I like to send to everybody. She doesn't poop autistic. She doesn't take it autistic. The butthole is as healthy as anything else on her body. The butthole only has two thoughts. Yes or no? Open or closed. Avierto Sabado. Now just remember to make enough room in the driveway when the ramp lowers.

[John Holberg]

Down and her van drops her off.

[DJ Easy Dick]

That's enough, dj. Easy.

[John Holberg]

Dick's tried to leave three times. Quit it. Get out. That is sexy when a.

[DJ Easy Dick]

When a girl ramps into your house.

[John Holberg]

When you have to kind of back her up.

[Brady Bogan]

That's why I draw the line.

[John Holberg]

Back her over.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Up.

[John Holberg]

Over the porch steps. All right, stop it. We'll have more Kiss 1230 stories later. I'm sure of it. We played all the Wake up songs we need.

[DJ Easy Dick]

There you go.

[John Holberg]

You're off to start. You needed Valentine's Day rolling away right here. We'll get to the Brady Report in seconds.

[DJ Easy Dick]

It's not weird.

[David Attell]

It's pretty cool, actually.

[John Holberg]

No membership fees.

[DJ Easy Dick]

I have heard enough of this. Morning sickness.

[John Holberg]

You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself.

[DJ Easy Dick]

98.

[John Holberg]

We just apologized. Heard some horrible language that doesn't belong anywhere on our broadcast. Most definitely does. It was yelling for the Colorado mascot, Dinger. It wasn't the girl from hgtv. That poor girl. Hang on. I'm getting yelling. Jesus God Almighty. Yesterday I had a. It's non stop car thing going on, right. So my Jeep, the black one, darkie, it's been sitting in the garage since October. Really? Because when I got the Bronco, I took the top off. I said I'll take the Jeep with the top when it gets cold or rainy and then leave the top off the Bronco and do that. And then Jeep tops are easy enough, take off. But I already did the Bronco one. So I've been driving around the Bronco the whole time with top down. I got the white Jeep has its all. That's. I got this going on. And so I go back to the house. Megan's car had to be taken into service because there's something going on with the air conditioner. Guess how much an air conditioner costs to fix. $6,400. Not happening.

[Brady Bogan]

What a deal.

[John Holberg]

What a deal.

[Brady Bogan]

You could put a 5 ton unit back there.

[John Holberg]

That's what I said. I said it's a house air conditioner for a small home.

[Brett Vesely]

Put a mini split on the side or what?

[John Holberg]

Yeah. So, yeah, so I load that up on top. So I said just take the black Jeep, go into the garage, try to start it. Battery's dead's been sitting. I'm like, I should have popped this on or didn't do it. So I go to jump start it. It won't hold the charge. And I know that these cars have. And being the least handy mother alive, I know these cars are impossible to change the battery. It's not like just, you know, undo it, pop in the new battery ready to go.

[DJ Easy Dick]

It's.

[John Holberg]

You got that secondary battery somewhere living underneath it. There's two batteries in all these cars for that stupid start. Stop that. Oh, I hate that thing. And so I noticed that that was acting a little ticky and weird when the charge was trying to go when I had the jumpers on there.

[Brady Bogan]

You didn't reach out to that woman earlier this week that did her own wipers?

[John Holberg]

Yeah, no, no, I should have. I actually thought about that. But I didn't want her messing around with my car. So I'm not changing that other battery. I don't even know, I don't even know what that looks like.

[Brady Bogan]

Doesn't have a rear battery too.

[John Holberg]

No, that was the old Cherokees and that was just. The post was in the back. So when you jump started it, it was in the. You had to read manual, you know, was better. So I call and get this guy to come out, 700 bucks, come change my batteries. And the Poor guy got there late. It's not terrible. It's better than me doing it, that's for sure. And of course, there's nothing worse. Like when, you know, now I know how Brady feels, only it's less indentured servant to be a guy with, you know. You know, he's cleaning your house, a black guy cleaning your house, and you just sit there and watch it. It's awful. Nothing. The only comp to that is, is a man calling another man to do man stuff at the house.

[DJ Easy Dick]

And that's what I did.

[John Holberg]

And he walks up, and of course, right off the bat, I'm like, yeah, I even kind of threw the whole dude talking to dude. I'm like, I'd try to change this thing, but I don't know how that second battery operates. And I didn't want to screw anything up. Basically saying, I'm capable of this. I just chose not.

[DJ Easy Dick]

But I'm not. He's.

[John Holberg]

And he goes, hey, you're the guy from the radio. I'm like, oh, yeah, he knows.

[DJ Easy Dick]

He goes, yeah, you weren't gonna change this.

[John Holberg]

And he just walked by me like, so. Thanks a lot, jackass. So how about that? Try to get a battery Bucks for.

[Brett Vesely]

Two batteries, sort of.

[John Holberg]

It's one real battery and then a baby battery. And that baby battery is only for the thing that starts and turns off my car. And if you don't have them both going, you got it. Change them at the same time. That's basically all it comes down to.

[Brett Vesely]

I think one of my Jeep buddies said there's a way to bypass that.

[John Holberg]

I'll talk about there is, and I've not figured it out yet, but I've talked to him.

[Brett Vesely]

All right.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, get it off.

[DJ Easy Dick]

All right. Oh, no. Is this DJ Easy Dick? Got another email. He wants, thank you. Exo has the cobbler. Hopefully you guys are all done with round one with that rolling her over. I have a guy that asked me a good question here. Says, dear DJ Easy Dick, I don't know why that makes me giggle. Says, I got a question about how I can make it so my wife enjoys taking it in the back door a little bit more. Right now, the only way she seems to enjoy it is when she's unconscious. Is there any way I could keep her awake during that? You know what? That's right. Don't complain, my friend. If you're getting it that way and she's none the wiser, you're doing better than 90% of most married men. The best thing about doing it with an unconscious woman is she wakes up sore, looks at you and thinks, he wouldn't do that. I better stay quiet. And that's what we really want on Valentine's Day. A woman whose first thought when she wakes up is, I better stay quiet. Oh, my God. It's a Valentine's Day dream. Thank you for your question. This one says, dear dj, Easy Dick. I'm scheduled to clean a white woman's house today. And it is song to play while I seduce her while her husband. Husband is busy at work being overweight and unaware son Rodney. The main man made Rodney. You know what to do. Little Al Green. Little Barry White, Lulu Rawls. All you gotta do is keep it on Kiss 1230. There isn't with a city. And that lady will be driven like a monsoon storm on a Vietnamese rice field. She's gonna beg for more chocolate this Valentine's Day. So open her box and put your chocolate in it in a reverse move. And don't forget, when you're at that oblivious fat man's house, suck that rug. Rodney. Clean up after your. Also, Rodney, you'll notice that their house is disturbingly quiet while you clean. You never once hear this, do you, Rodney?

[John Holberg]

Not once.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Ask how they do it, Rodney. Ask how they do it. All right, here's what we're gonna do for all Kiss 1230 listeners right now. We got a lifetime supply of 9 volt batteries to the 198,000 caller. We're gonna get to that eventually. And you people will not ever have to worry again about what's going on. Oops. All right, Kiss 1230 Studio has got a problem. Need to call an engineer here. That's the type of technology I just prefer to ignore.

[John Holberg]

All right, I'll be right back.

[DJ Easy Dick]

We'll be back with more Kiss 1230 in just a little while.

[Brett Vesely]

Thank you for that lifetime supply 9v.

[John Holberg]

Anyway, I saw this too. Tempe is the very first city. This is from Rochelle or Gilbert Listener. She says, should have been freaked out ever since you got roofied at Playdoh. I got roofied at Playdoh last November, no question. And she said so go get some of these. It says Tempe becomes the first city in Arizona to require drink spiking test kits be available to the patrons. Tempe is making it eventually. Hopefully by the end of the year. So what do you do?

[Brady Bogan]

You put a strip in there?

[John Holberg]

Yeah. It's like when you're checking your pool. Yeah. Like when you're checking for chlorine. You just put the thing in there. And if it turns purple.

[DJ Easy Dick]

I'm sorry, I'll be right back.

[John Holberg]

That's what you have to hear next. Like, did you just turn my drink purple? Purple drink. No. Synth is the 7am Word synthesis for the suite that feeds Nine Inch Nails Suite we got going on over there at Desert Diamond.

[DJ Easy Dick]

I can't get out of the mood. Maybe I can't do it.

[John Holberg]

Yes, that's pretty good idea. Because, you know, always said, never, ever, ever, ever take a drink from somebody who isn't working there, who brings it over and hands it to you. And never, ever, ever leave your drink alone. Put your hand over it, if you can. That's a really smart move. You hold the drink from the top with your hand over the top because there's some. That's a creepy thing. I've never. I don't know that I've known anybody who's ever done that to someone.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Have you?

[Brady Bogan]

No. But can you imagine doing the Strip, and all sudden it turns.

[John Holberg]

Oh, my God.

[Brady Bogan]

Okay, let's get this guy.

[John Holberg]

Yeah.

[Brady Bogan]

Or girl.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. I don't think guys get roofied as much. I did.

[DJ Easy Dick]

I think somebody was just joking with.

[John Holberg]

Me, but I definitely did. That was. I've never been in a weirder state of mind than I was after the Palladio thing.

[DJ Easy Dick]

And I'm like, I don't. I drink vodka soda.

[John Holberg]

This is not what happens when you drink vodka soda. It was not normal. The only thing I did otherwise was.

[DJ Easy Dick]

The Jameson and pickle juice, and I.

[John Holberg]

Only had one of those that ain't gonna last thing. I ain't gonna end me. But I was a mess. And not a drunk mess. Like a can't keep a thought mess. Can't have a. I couldn't have. I couldn't figure out how doors worked. I was. I was in a weird, weird place.

[Brady Bogan]

Did you steal someone's Cosmo?

[John Holberg]

Of course I stole someone's Cosmo. You know me, if there's a Cosmo laying up, I'm drinking it. Of course I did, Brady. I'm the Cosmo King. No, I didn't steal a Cosmo.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Anyway.

[John Holberg]

Oh, my God. I didn't know this. Is that true? Is next year's super bowl on Valentine's Day? Did they do. That's what I've heard.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, I just saw that. Is that right?

[Brady Bogan]

That's so.

[John Holberg]

I'll Google it. But that's. Heard a couple people say that they can't do that. They're just gonna. It's gonna be. You know what? This could be a plan to make like the divorce rate's gonna go through the roof. It's on Valentine's Day.

[Brett Vesely]

Fine.

[John Holberg]

That's good. That's gonna cause so many problems.

[Brady Bogan]

Are gonna make it.

[John Holberg]

Well, it's gonna cause so many problems. I don't care about that. What's gonna happen is, is there gonna be more domestic violence and more divorces from that than anything? Because now the NFL's like, all right, pick. Which one do you love?

[Brady Bogan]

You know, I mean, dating package.

[John Holberg]

You're going to be in huge trouble if you're one of those guys whose wife just kind of is like, your team's not even this. She doesn't get it. Well, you have to watch Super Bowl. You should be in the Valentine's Day girl who, like, makes that a huge deal, and you're like, nuh, we're watching the Super Bowl. You got it. And then dudes are going to have to. This is brilliant. Valentine's Day and Super bowl executives got together and put this on. Because now the Valentine's people are going to. Three times as much is going to be spent on Valentine's Day next year on Friday and Saturday. So Super Bowl Sunday, we can get away with no Valentine's Day but the Saturday night. Make your reservations now. You have got to do something extra special for that girl who kind of allows you quotie fingers to watch football all year.

[Brady Bogan]

Panic.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah, I heard that Cordell and Cordell are the lead sponsors next year's halftime show.

[John Holberg]

So got to be. Divorce attorneys are. They're going to go out and dance.

[Brett Vesely]

Oh, yeah.

[John Holberg]

They'll do the singing. Oh, my goodness. Well, that's. We're getting. We're getting crushed on that one. Oh, no. For guys with girlfriends and not wives. A wife you can look at and go, I'll take you out tomorrow. A girlfriend is gonna lose her mind, especially if she's new football. I'm telling you right now. Break up with her today before next year's super bowl and just let be single for the. Oh, my God. Texters are pointing out.

[Valley Chevy Dealer Announcer]

Stars are lining. Because the super bowl is on Valentine's Day. Sunday, Monday, then will be President's Day.

[John Holberg]

So we'll all have the day off.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Well, that's good.

[John Holberg]

But also.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah, we won't.

[Brett Vesely]

We won't.

[John Holberg]

But also, don't you have. They're just schools and banks. You have Phoenix open that week as well. Dudes are getting killed having this going on on Valentine's. Girls at the Phoenix Open. They'll be. They'll be well, look, you're gonna have. It's gonna cost us. It's gonna cost us double. Start saving now. You know what, Vanderbeeket? Try to go fund me your. Your Valentine's Day next year.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, that's a. Get that together.

[DJ Easy Dick]

You got me, Brett. There he is. By the way, I just want to come back in here. Kiss 12:30 at the river of the city. How you doing, Brady?

[Brady Bogan]

Feeling all right?

[DJ Easy Dick]

You got big plans this Valentine's Day? Just gonna.

[Brady Bogan]

Nope.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Clear out all that mucus and go downtown.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[Brady Bogan]

Yep.

[DJ Easy Dick]

That's nice. Well, never, ever look a gift horse in the mouth there, Brady. Mucus is very, very, very, very slippery.

[Brady Bogan]

It's important.

[DJ Easy Dick]

It's an incredible lubricant. So if you can manage to, you know, get one of those weird kind of oysters that slides down the back of your nose and get it into your mouth and use it, you'd be sliding into any hole you choose. She won't even know what happened, which I've heard from your wife that she doesn't know when it's happening anyway, so it's okay. That's not. When Rodney said. Hey, I just wanted to point out you brought up James Van Der Beek. We here at KISS 1230 are still super excited about our GoFundMe page for our celebrity who recently died. Desmond Wilson from Sanford and Son. We started a GoFundMe two weeks ago after Lamont from Sanford and Son died. We're happy to announce we just hit that $100 mark. So where's Steven Spielberg? Where's Steven Spielberg from my. Desmond, please?

[Brett Vesely]

John Singleton just threw in a smile.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Oh, good. John Singleton just threw in. Oh, it's a. That's very nice. John Singleton just threw in a bean pie and $133. Thank you, John. One of the most critical. Oh, here we go. Tyler Perry just kicked in a madea wig and $43. That's nice. Thank you. Desmond's family can't keep their ranch. Seems like nobody cares about Desmond. No GoFundMe for Desmond, and he was on a show that won the Emmy for best comedy. Dawson Cross any of that. This Guy's gonna make $2 million to keep his ranch alive. Meanwhile, Desmond's family's trying to rent out his second bedroom in the apartment he died in. Kiss 12:30. Calling out hypocrisy this morning. All right, I got to go. I'll be back, though. All right? If you do want to talk to D.J. easy, Dick, you can.

[John Holberg]

5 8, 5 9, 800.

[DJ Easy Dick]

You wanna.

[John Holberg]

Do you want to say hi to your wife or your husband? And you want to give a Valentine's Day wish? We'll gladly take your calls at 585-9800.

[DJ Easy Dick]

You can talk to.

[John Holberg]

To the great DJ Easy Dick.

[DJ Easy Dick]

It's terrible.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. Super Bowl. Well, Jordan Love on Valentine's Day, this guy says, I'm calling my shot Packers. That's pretty. That's a pretty good one. Jordan Love for Valentine's Day. And the packers get that. Put your money on that immediately. Excellent, Brian. So The Super Bowl 27 or what?

[DJ Easy Dick]

A Super Bowl 61, but in 2027.

[John Holberg]

Will be Barry White, Al Green and.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Lou Rawls right there.

[John Holberg]

And that would be a pretty awesome halftime show. Just holograms. That has got to be. If Jordan Love gets in, we'll know for sure. It's all WWE script it for sure.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Faux positive.

[Brady Bogan]

The other football news is Trump pardoned five NFL players. Former.

[John Holberg]

Oh, really?

[Brady Bogan]

Joe Cleo, Nate Newton, Jamal Lewis, Travis Henry, and the late Billy Cannon were all granted clemency.

[John Holberg]

Oh. Because they had their felonies for their silliness.

[Brady Bogan]

Yep.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Anyway, I just wanted to say, Also, they kissed. Rev 30. Oh, we got phone calls. You want to see if. Oh, no. They're coming in hot. Talking about their love lives here at KISS. 12:30. While we're waiting to see the phone calls, Brett, will you screen those for me, please? My screen of Brett. He's good. I want to announce the 2027 Star Stud lineup for the Soul Train cruise. That's a very real thing.

[Brady Bogan]

It is.

[DJ Easy Dick]

And it's happening.

[John Holberg]

Starting.

[DJ Easy Dick]

It'll be on super bowl Sunday. Yeah, the 14th of February. And that rolls all the way to the 21st of February. Fort Lauderdale, Aruba and Curacao. I like that. Blue Curacao. Who's gonna be there? Well, it's gonna be crazy. The Isley Brothers, Stephanie Mills Mays, Patrice.

[John Holberg]

Rushin, Al McKay's Earth. Not Al McCoy's Earth.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Shazam. I'd watch that for hours, though. The Fire experience, Russell Tompkins Jr. The new stylistics, Evelyn's Champagne King, Booker T. Jones. And so many more booking details are available for this incredible Soul Train cruise that I'm guessing will feature zero white passengers. The fear of whitey is what we're calling this cruise is there's no way a white person is gonna infiltrate this. They'll be scared to death. If you'd like to check it out, all those details are coming your way. Don't forget Club Nouveau, Chuck Brown Band, Urban Gorilla Orchestra That's a real thing. Tony Cornelius. These are. These are actually on the list for the Soul Train super cruise for 14th through the 21st next year, Super Bowl Sunday. There's gonna be a lot of fights on the day. You've got to check into the Soul Train Cruise and you gotta miss the. The super bowl to do it.

[Brett Vesely]

We pay our bills for the phones there, DJ A. They're pretty much.

[DJ Easy Dick]

The phones just took it down. They're good. That's good. Cuz you know what? They probably just hung up the phones and went right over the Internet to go get their tickets on the Soul Train Cruise.

[Brady Bogan]

Burners only allowed on the.

[DJ Easy Dick]

That's right. It's pretty good. Well, we have a burner and let's attach to the walls here, cuz our phones are so. All right, that's enough of that.

[John Holberg]

Super Bowl Sunday is Valentine's Day.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah. That's garbage.

[Brady Bogan]

I mean, this is silly. When did the. Was this super bowl started getting into February? Wasn't always late.

[John Holberg]

It used to be late January and then they. Yeah, they added the 17th week for sure to get it into February. Well, it started when they. When they. One thing television noticed a while ago was, ooh, live events are the only thing we've got going for ratings since February and November used to be be sweeps months. February, May and November. They set their rates for advertising in those months. And so they're like, we're wasting the super bowl by having it in January. So they bumped in, they tried to squeeze it into February. It started like early 2000s. It was bumping around February 2nd or 1st, but it counted towards February sweep. So if you started the. The month on, you know, one of the networks would get that huge boost, get 110 million people. So your monthly number was humongous.

[Brady Bogan]

Closes the gap too, between how long footballs are.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah.

[Brady Bogan]

Well, yeah, a couple weeks.

[John Holberg]

Whether they want that or not. It was a financial move they're not really thinking about like it's a financial move to get the advertisers through the moon.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah. Oh, man. Brett, what do we got there? You want me to take a call? Welcome to Kiss 1230. MDJ. Easy dick slapping you crush your fat ass. Who's this?

[Caller]

This is Dusty.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Dusty, how are you this morning? Welcome to Kiss 1230. Can I help you?

[Caller]

Yeah, I'd like to confess my love to Sin. For the good times, the bad times and all the fun times I get.

[DJ Easy Dick]

What's her name?

[Caller]

Cyn.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Her name is Sin. Or you're just doing it to the actual Sin from the Bible.

[Caller]

Well, I'm not Cynthia, but I deal with the most.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Okay, her name is Cynthia. Cynthia. Describe Cynthia to us.

[Caller]

Oh, man. I got. I got to say, she's perfect for me.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Is she? I noticed from the accent you've probably been stabbed a couple of times. Is Cynthia one of those types?

[Caller]

No, that was the ex.

[DJ Easy Dick]

The ex stabbed you? Where did she stab you?

[Caller]

In the arms and in the belly.

[DJ Easy Dick]

I could tell by your accent. Do you know that the Mexican accent isn't regional? It just means you've been stabbed and then it already happens.

[Caller]

Yes. Yes.

[DJ Easy Dick]

What are you going to do if your Raiders make it to the super bowl next February?

[Caller]

It's all about Cardinals, baby.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Okay, well, they're not. You don't have to worry about that. You've got Super Bowl Sunday for you, my friend. You can make your plans today to hit the Soul Train cruise. You can do it all week. You can walk starting today. And miss the entire season? If you feel like it. What was your name again?

[John Holberg]

I've.

[DJ Easy Dick]

I've skipped it.

[Caller]

Gutsy.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Gutsy?

[Caller]

Yes, sir.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Your name is Gutsy?

[Caller]

Yes, sir.

[Brady Bogan]

It's because of the jab.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Is that a. Yeah. Well, yeah. Now hold on a second. Is that. Yeah. Is that where you get stabbed most often or is it just Gutsy?

[Caller]

To date, I dodged most stabs. Just the ex cop.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Good Lord.

[John Holberg]

Gutsy.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Let me ask you a question. Cynthia sounds like a special woman. Now, can you weigh her on a traditional bathroom scale or do you have to take her to a truck stop?

[Caller]

No, she's not good on the scale.

[DJ Easy Dick]

She looks good on a scale. About what does she weigh Approximately?

[Caller]

Around 170.

[DJ Easy Dick]

170 is a little thick. She's about 53 if I'm guessing by Gutsy standards. That was close. Where is the tattoo of the Virgin Mary on her body?

[John Holberg]

I knew it.

[DJ Easy Dick]

You know what? DJ Z? Dick's been around the block a few times. Gutsy. Gutsy, where did you get your. Your Lady Sin for her Valentine special? Oh, I. Nothing yet.

[David Attell]

All right.

[DJ Easy Dick]

That's all right, Gutsy. You'll get to it.

[Brady Bogan]

Kind of hard. How does your husband feel about it?

[DJ Easy Dick]

Let me tell you right now, some Starbucks. That sounds nice. Yeah. Keep her flowing in the back door. Get us some coffee. So that opens up back there. It's better than the Metamucil smell that sometimes happens. Also, Gutsy, I understand that for people like you guys, Raven's Crest is having a 50% off all knives. Maybe you can get her a tattoo of Joseph Or Jesus Mother on the other arm as well.

[Caller]

Maybe. Maybe.

[John Holberg]

Let me ask you this.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Is your last name tattooed on your chest or back?

[John Holberg]

The back.

[DJ Easy Dick]

That's what I thought. All right, Gutsy, you're a special man. Thank you for calling and thanks for being part of Kiss 1230s Valentine's special for sin. We love you Gutsy.

[Brady Bogan]

Loves you sin.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Thank you, Gutsy.

[Brady Bogan]

You think it's Gutsy on the back?

[DJ Easy Dick]

No, I think it's a. It's a. Well, I know what it is. It's that old English writing. It's probably Gutierrez because that's what a Gutsy would call himself. There's too many Gutierrez in this, so they just call him Gutsy. Or the tattoo artist didn't have enough ink, so they just stopped that gut. We'll just add an SY if you don't mind.

[Brady Bogan]

The last part would be tiny letters to fit it in.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah, I'm pretty goddamn impressed with myself, though. The Virgin Mary tattoo, the stabbings, the height, the weight. Earth is a simulation and if you're paying attention, it's a very easy place to live. All right, I'll be right back.

[John Holberg]

It's not like I was Nostradamus there, right? Where's the Virgin Mary tattoo on a.

[DJ Easy Dick]

5 foot 5 inch, 170 pound one?

[John Holberg]

She's got one. Oh, my goodness.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Anyway. Oh my God, no.

[John Holberg]

Now the emails are coming in too fast. 55170.

[DJ Easy Dick]

He likes it.

[John Holberg]

I like Gutsy. Gutsy and sin.

[DJ Easy Dick]

If you live next door to them.

[John Holberg]

Them, you're gonna hear them through the.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Apartment walls all weekend long.

[John Holberg]

Probably some crying from an unattended child as well.

[Brett Vesely]

Or stabbing.

[John Holberg]

No, there won't be any of that. He's already been through that. He's learned his lesson. She's not gonna stab him. All right.

[DJ Easy Dick]

We don't have a wake up song. I didn't ask for one this morning. We can do a.

[Brett Vesely]

Somebody said, send me your money for the Vanderbilt.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Well, we could do that.

[John Holberg]

How about a little Barry White?

[Brett Vesely]

We could do that.

[John Holberg]

A little Barry White for Valentine's Day.

[DJ Easy Dick]

His 12:30 rolls on.

[John Holberg]

You can throw in all the rock you want for Barry White.

[DJ Easy Dick]

The one to go with.

[Brady Bogan]

Didn't someone cover it? The one song in metal.

[John Holberg]

They did a Barry White metal song. I don't want to hear that. There's no reason to touch Barry White. I listen, I watched an old Letterman rerun the other day and Barry White, evidently In the early 80s, Barry White, was camping and got lost. And it was a news story. So David Letterman had him on and give camping tips and they were hilarious. That dude's voice wasn't human.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Well, David, as you know, and it was just this booming thing.

[John Holberg]

He's talking about camping tips and how.

[DJ Easy Dick]

To do a tent and, like, breadcrumbs.

[John Holberg]

And it was great. It's a little Barry White for Valentine's Day. It's a beautiful weekend for all the.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Ladies and men out there. We're going to give it out to all of you. And again, you can always.

[John Holberg]

If our phones worked, it would be.

[DJ Easy Dick]

More fun, but they don't, so we can't.

[John Holberg]

We can't participate.

[Brett Vesely]

Give it a shot, though.

[John Holberg]

I know. Give it a shot. Well, you can keep trying to of sneaks through. Maybe Gutsy will get. Maybe Sin will get through and we'll try to get that going today.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Is it ready?

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah.

[DJ Easy Dick]

All right. It's Barry White.

[John Holberg]

Just started. Which one?

[Brett Vesely]

Oh, you'll know it.

[John Holberg]

Okay, hit it, Barry White. Oh, first, last. Yep, my everything.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Barry White.

[Brady Bogan]

Come on.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Visit Holmberg's Morning sickness online at 98 Kuppie. Holmberg's Morning Sickness. All right, little Barry white foil. Just 12:30.98 KUPD's alter ego for Valentine's Day this morning. That one going out to Gutsy and Sin having this. That's a first. Last everything. Unless you count that first girl that he had sex with. It stabbed him a couple of times. Otherwise, that is a very, very sexy couple. And we'd like to announce that that call went so well with Gutsy and his girl Sin that they have won one month supply. Rojo Montana's RM Trace. I can get some of that for knocking off a few of those Valentine's Day chocolate. I hate that this is happening, but we have the phones working, so let's give you Valentine's wishes out and close this up beautifully. Before we get to all that Brady news, we've got James is online. Ron, James, are you there?

[Caller]

I am here.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Happy Valentine's Day, James. How are you this morning?

[Caller]

Happy Valentine's Day, John and crew.

[DJ Easy Dick]

That's right. Close enough. All right, go ahead now. We are on KISS 1230, the rhythm of the city. Talk to me about your love life, James.

[John Holberg]

Go.

[Caller]

My love life's the best. I got the best girl out there. Her name's Candace and we've been together for five years. Not married, so we keep it fresh. Just eternally dating.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Eternally dating is a beautiful thing. Now, how soon after you met Candace did you impregnate her? And you unmarried parents?

[Caller]

No, no, I got snipped a long time ago. So it's all for sport now.

[DJ Easy Dick]

All for sport. That's nice. Tell me. What? Describe this beautiful woman to me.

[Caller]

She's a nice dishwater blonde. Got some tattoo, little tattoos on the back and on the thighs. She's a very beautiful woman. Great, caring mother for her kids and love her a lot.

[DJ Easy Dick]

There it is. I knew those little rugrats are running around somewhere. They just didn't come from your seed. Do you get along with the ex husband or is he still in jail?

[Caller]

Ex husband, no jail. He's absent from the entire scene, so that makes it even better.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Oh, so he's a kiss 1230 regular list now. I appreciate it.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[DJ Easy Dick]

You can find him if you look hard enough. You just listen for the beeps.

[Caller]

Yes.

[David Attell]

Yes.

[DJ Easy Dick]

All right.

[Caller]

But not looking.

[DJ Easy Dick]

That's right.

[John Holberg]

Don't look.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Why bother? He's just going to be there, and then he's going to need money. Right?

[David Attell]

All right.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Where are you taking your beautiful lady off of Valentine's Day, James?

[Caller]

We're gonna do an overnight camping trip up there outside Flagstaff. Gonna go look at the Petrified Forest.

[DJ Easy Dick]

There's nothing better than sexy, unshowered outdoor activities on Valentine's Day where you get to hike, set up a tent, and then smell that musty, weird fish stink all night in the tent and realize we probably shouldn't have done this.

[Caller]

Absolutely.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Are you gonna try to have tense sex with your beloved trailer sex, if anything. Trailer. That's nice. God, that's hot. Just hearing that phrase right there.

[Brady Bogan]

Make sure it's your own.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah. Trailer sex is one of the sexiest things you could say to a woman. Let's have trailer sex. And what woman doesn't bow to that? Remember, that was one of the lines in Romeo and Juliet. Shakespeare was a big one for the trailer sex. What did she get you for Valentine's Day, James?

[Caller]

You know, she's not a big believer in these holidays, the. And gift giving and all that type of stuff. So we try to create the events for memories versus all the, you know, here's this, here's that.

[David Attell]

That just goes away after a while.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah, exactly. It's a beautiful thing to just make it a daily activity and not be beholden to what the calendar says it is. Correct?

[Caller]

Correct.

[DJ Easy Dick]

That's right. Now, where are you going to finish on her? Tell me where you're going to splurge, James.

[Caller]

I think I'm going to go traditional.

[John Holberg]

And just dump it right in there. All right. That's nice.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah. Fill that Bucket. I see.

[John Holberg]

Good work.

[DJ Easy Dick]

That's right. And then very sexually, when you're about to clean up your campsite. I'm gonna make myself sick with this one. Just have her hover over it and.

[John Holberg]

Just put the fire out.

[DJ Easy Dick]

She can put down that retardant you.

[John Holberg]

Put inside of her and knock that.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Forest down to a very safe level of smoke and nothing more.

[Caller]

Absolutely.

[DJ Easy Dick]

All right, well, good luck to you out there and have a great Valentine's. Gene Games.

[Caller]

Thank you, John.

[Brady Bogan]

Thank you.

[DJ Easy Dick]

We'll talk to you soon. We'll talk to you very soon. No, you don't get RM3.

[Brady Bogan]

We gotta don't drink the gray.

[Brett Vesely]

What would DJ Easy Dick do there for you?

[John Holberg]

Right.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Oh, my goodness. There's a. Oh, my goodness. I don't know if we have time for all this nonsense. DJ Easy Dick help me settle this argument with one of my baby's mamas. She trying to tell me I gotta sell my hellcat, start paying for child support. She's gonna take me to court.

[John Holberg]

I try to tell her that I.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Need that car to get to where to make money to get food and water and such and milk. I ain't paid the car note in six months, so how can I pay for her babies? My main agrees with me. The baby mama's losing her mind.

[John Holberg]

Do I sell the car and pay.

[DJ Easy Dick]

My child support or do I just go to the gas station, get some milk, son. John, I think we both know we're out of milk, right? I think that's pretty much what this. The fridge is milkless. And it's time for a long, long, possibly 12 to 15 year search for that. And then just hope that the child becomes a superstar and you can pop back into their lives like Aaron Judge's daddy did. All right, let's go to the phones one last time and then close this out.

[Brady Bogan]

It works 95% of the time, all the time.

[DJ Easy Dick]

I agree with Brady. There's milk everywhere. Who's this?

[Brett Vesely]

This would be Rick.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Rick, are you there?

[Caller]

Yes. How you doing, Oliver?

[DJ Easy Dick]

Doing quite well. Good morning. Welcome to DJ EZ Dick's Kiss 1230 Valentine Special. Go right ahead, my friend, and tell me about your lady, what you're gonna do for the Valentine's.

[Caller]

Actually, it is my daughter's birthday. On Valentine's Day.

[DJ Easy Dick]

That's disgusting. I don't want to talk about your daughter. We're gonna take that sweet angel. Wear a condom. This is disgusting.

[Caller]

She actually has to work. She is in the medical field. So I'm just saying happy birthday to her. And happy Valentine's Day because we can't spend her birthday together because of work.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Well, that's a beautiful thing. Do you have a lady of your own, or you're just keeping dibs on your daughter?

[Caller]

Just keeping dibs on my daughter? No, I'm single at the moment.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Single. So what are you gonna do for Valentine's Day as a single man?

[Caller]

I'm gonna go to a local bar, hang out, play some pool, interact with some people, and just get socializing.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah, you're gonna try to get some very sad, bitter squish that hangs out at the bar by itself as well. Could you name the bar? Maybe we could send over some prostitutes.

[Caller]

Groggies.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Groggies. Oh, that's a nice bar to go to on Valentine's day. They have the drink at Groggy's called the Bill Cosby. That'll be very helpful on Valentine's day for some of those. You got it. But at Groggies, I tell you what. At Groggy's highly recommend the Bill Cosby method. But you got to drop 2 in because most of the ladies at Groggy's stay awake from the regular dosage. Gotta up that.

[Caller]

So you think three is too many?

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah, I think three would be plenty enough if you wanted to drop three in her beverage and drop it down. It's gonna be tough to lift her up. She's dead weight. So make sure you get her in a chair with wheels on it.

[Caller]

I got a forklift.

[Brett Vesely]

We'd be good.

[John Holberg]

Tell me.

[DJ Easy Dick]

I'd like to see if you're the only one who's ever done this.

[John Holberg]

You ever pull some wool out of Groggy's?

[DJ Easy Dick]

No.

[John Holberg]

I think that's pretty much the standard.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Answer for every patron of groggies. Man, I get laid every time I go to Groggy's.

[John Holberg]

Pretty much means you've been raped a lot.

[Caller]

Now, it can't be raped because it's willing.

[DJ Easy Dick]

That's true. That is true. Unless it's pegging, and that's a whole different situation. We don't have time for this.

[Brady Bogan]

Those strips don't work at Groggy's.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. So you're gonna go to Groggy's all.

[DJ Easy Dick]

By yourself, wander in there, and then say, see if some boys want to play pool? No. Gonna sit at the end of the bar by yourself? Yeah. You and all the other lonely gentlemen thinking of their family members at work.

[John Holberg]

Hey, I'm okay with that. I got a lovely daughter that I'm happy with, and I got Great.

[Caller]

Grandkids.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Oh, that's fantastic. This is all disgusting. For Valentine's Day. It's supposed to be about sex. Dirty, dirty, anal. And you keep bringing in your children.

[John Holberg]

That's.

[DJ Easy Dick]

You're the grossest man I've ever spoken to.

[Caller]

Oh, quit it.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Where's grandpa?

[John Holberg]

Oh, of course he's at Groggy's.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Where'd grandpa at? It's like you're like Savannah Guthrie's family. If they looked.

[John Holberg]

We know where he is. Don't worry about it.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Don't call the news. We'll just go to Groggy's and pick him up.

[Brady Bogan]

I guarantee you leave garage.

[John Holberg]

When you walk into Groggy's, do they say, hey, grandpa, do they know who you are?

[DJ Easy Dick]

Are you a Groggy's regular, is what I'm asking. Oh, Rick.

[Caller]

No, not very regular.

[DJ Easy Dick]

No.

[Caller]

I'm very much of a bar person.

[John Holberg]

No, you're not.

[DJ Easy Dick]

But just gonna.

[John Holberg]

You're taking it up for this Valentine's.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Day just as a special little treatment for Rick.

[John Holberg]

Yep.

[DJ Easy Dick]

That sound lovely.

[David Attell]

That's right.

[DJ Easy Dick]

And do you think at any time.

[John Holberg]

Yeah.

[DJ Easy Dick]

You think you're going to sit at the end of the bar at any time during the night, realize you've had one too many, and kind of recognize the fact that you're crying?

[Caller]

I'm crying already.

[DJ Easy Dick]

I know. Hey, tell me why you don't have a woman in your life.

[John Holberg]

You had at one point.

[DJ Easy Dick]

You did, and it was. You made a beautiful daughter out of it. She passed away during COVID During COVID Good Christ.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Oh, my God. The saddest man on Valentine's Day. Well, hopefully. Hopefully you find a live one this weekend at Crofty. I'm sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry for your absolutely horrible weekend plans. All right, thank you, Rick, for calling us this weekend. It's wonderful. Good luck to you. Happy Valentine's Day. We love you. There you go. Thanks for calling KISS 1230 with the most depressing thing I've ever heard.

[Brady Bogan]

Wow. I did. That was gonna be the answer, right?

[John Holberg]

He.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Remember when I said, brady, Remember when I knew? I did too. Remember when I said, call us with your love stories? And he's like, grandkids, daughter, dead wife, groggies. It's like, oh, this is.

[John Holberg]

At one point, he heard me ask for a call and said, I'll do it. I have a story with this whole.

[Brady Bogan]

You know, GHB thing and drinks and stuff. I think Groggy's is a good name.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Groggy's is probably I mean, if you go there, just expect. Expect to sleep. It's right next to a bar called Sleep Study, and then that's where you just naturally progress. All right, I gotta. This is ridiculous. It was the stupidest things I've ever heard.

[John Holberg]

Thank you, Rick.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Good luck at Grog.

[John Holberg]

Go to Groggy's this weekend.

[DJ Easy Dick]

And just there's Rick. He's the one in the corner crying, most likely with a. Those Midori Sour.

[John Holberg]

No, other people over there.

[DJ Easy Dick]

The Tears of Rick, they call that. You can order that. You say, I'll have a Midori Sour. And they're like, I don't know what that is. He says, the Tears of Rick. Oh, the green one. Okay, I'll go get. Get that.

[Brady Bogan]

The Great Galentine. Stop, Groggy.

[DJ Easy Dick]

From what I just heard, I think Guts. He got his name for being the only dude with enough guts to try to jump on sin. She's stabby. And the Virgin Mary staring at you in the face. That's got to be a rough one for Mexicans. Please call in and tell us. How hard is it to ejaculate while the Virgin Mary stares at you from someone's shoulder? If I get the Virgin Mary looking at me from a flank of a woman, I really struggle to keep an erection. I'm sorry, that's just me.

[Brady Bogan]

Me.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Is also on your back. Oh, good. I get to. I get to finish the deal by covering the names of your children that are so conveniently placed on your lower back. All right, I got to go. D.J. easy to count.

[Brady Bogan]

He had a busy morning.

[DJ Easy Dick]

He's very busy. Who knew?

[John Holberg]

All right, we got a Brady report coming. He's. He's taken over the show, and it's very disturbing. David Tell will fix this. He's the most V. He would be at Groggies on Valentine's Day. In fact, I kind of picture Rick to look a little like a tell. We'll talk to him later. Brady report coming up.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Hey, it's not weird.

[David Attell]

It's pretty cool, actually.

[John Holberg]

No membership fees.

[DJ Easy Dick]

I have heard enough of this. Morning sickness. You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself.

[John Holberg]

That's perfect. Time for me to give you guys another chance at the Nine Inch Nail stuff. Eight o' clock. Word is minimal. Minimal. That easy? Minimal Fired off on our app. Tap the app, throw it in there, and you hit on the sweet that feeds. Put the word minimal in there. Do it on our website, 98kupd.com you can get that as well. And while you're on the Website. Don't forget to go over to the Lost our home pick of the litter from our [e-mail] and check him out. Carbone. We did Carbone about two months ago and I had some takers and then they're like, ah, he's a little big for the kids and this and that. So he's been in a couple houses and everybody loves Carbone. He's the dog I told you about. For a while I was just dumb.

[DJ Easy Dick]

He's.

[John Holberg]

He's a dumb dog, but not in like a harmful dumb way. He's that dog.

[Brady Bogan]

A big dumb.

[John Holberg]

You want to play ball?

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

You want to play ball?

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

You're a goofy dog.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

You got to go get the ball, Carbon.

[Brady Bogan]

Huh?

[John Holberg]

Is the ball that you. You want to play ball, you got to go get a ball.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Oh, I got.

[John Holberg]

We're playing ball. Yeah. You just asked me if you. Okay, I'll be right back. And then he runs off and he like gets in flowers and forgets. Whereas he's dug from up. That's his eyes.

[Brady Bogan]

He looks at some guy.

[John Holberg]

He's just a squirrel. And. But he is absolutely no. And he does everything. He's one of those dogs that's just a dog.

[DJ Easy Dick]

I can sit, I can lay down.

[John Holberg]

It's just not. He's just not thinking for himself too often.

[DJ Easy Dick]

So what do you want me to do?

[John Holberg]

He's one of those. And he's awesome. We. We had Carbone in my lap yesterday for. He's a big boy. He's a big block headed lab. Sweet. Carbone needs a house. Let's get him out of that shelter immediately because he's too sweet to be in it for sure. So check that [e-mail] while you're playing in the suite that feeds and trying to get yourself some Nine Inch Nails tickets, let's get the news Brady has. It's called the Brady Report and it's brought to you by our friends right over [e-mail] saw their trucks go into another house just the other day. All pro shade is ready to get you going. You can take care of your backyard space. Get some shade on that patio. Get some shade on that tv. What's the deal they got going right now today?

[Brady Bogan]

It's the last day. It's the all. It's shade week.

[John Holberg]

That's right.

[Brady Bogan]

So all the stuff that was overstock or ordered and the people just was taken back.

[John Holberg]

Stuff they ordered and they came up to 50 off on great deals. So go on allprochade.com and take care of, take care of that because you got some, some stuff that was pre ordered or over ordered or not being used. And they're like, we got to get this out of the warehouse. That's a. That is a half off deal. If it works for you, they'll make it right.

[DJ Easy Dick]

It looks good.

[Brady Bogan]

Kind of a good way to do the open house to the new place too. Sure, people can check it out.

[John Holberg]

All Pro Shade.

[Brady Bogan]

There's a little festival going on.

[John Holberg]

Oh, you mean their house, not your open house.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah, the open house of the new All Pro Shade facility.

[John Holberg]

Oh, okay, cool.

[Brady Bogan]

From 12 to 2 today on Bell and I17.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Okay.

[John Holberg]

There you go.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Well, head on up there.

[John Holberg]

I didn't know about that. That's a good one. Head up there. Check it all out. Allprochade.com Brady report it.

[Brady Bogan]

Good Friday morning to Phoenix. Hello world.

[John Holberg]

Hi, Sick. Brady.

[Brady Bogan]

We've made it.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah.

[Brady Bogan]

A couple of baseless fun facts. The town of Morton in Central Illinois creates 80% of all the canned pumpkin we eat. Libby is the most popular brand of canned pumpkin.

[John Holberg]

If they produce zero cans, it would be all the canned pumpkin that I eat.

[Brady Bogan]

And they do all their harvesting and canning. And Morton.

[John Holberg]

I've ruined strawberries, I've ruined plums. Where do you miss plums yesterday? Because I said if you melon ball out a bruise and eat it, it's a plum.

[DJ Easy Dick]

It's the same thing.

[John Holberg]

If you had a big enough hematoma and you got one of those ice cream scoops and tore it out of your thigh, arm, wherever it was, and then just took a bite of it. Same exact texture and probably flavor as a plum. But I'm gonna wreck you for pumpkin juice coming out of a can. You ever watch an orangutan poop at the zoo?

[Brady Bogan]

I have not.

[David Attell]

I have.

[John Holberg]

It's the exact same thing as that canned pumpkin. Exactly the same. And you know how I know it might actually be the same is because the. And gorillas too. They can't keep their hands off of it and they eat it themselves. So I think they crap the product. We call it pumpkin.

[DJ Easy Dick]

There's nothing to do with pumpkins. That stuff is.

[John Holberg]

It's. It's not wet. It's. I don't know how to explain it.

[DJ Easy Dick]

It's sort.

[John Holberg]

It's diarrhea, but it's not soft yet. It's soft diarrhea. It's not hard. It's like. Like vanilla. Soft serve only diarrhea.

[Brady Bogan]

Maybe someone ought to try to Make a pie or a cheesecake.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Why would you say that? Why would you're that addicted to food.

[John Holberg]

That I said diarrhea and cake you got against pumpkin pie. I don't have anything against pumpkin pie. I'm talking about the stuff that's inside those cans. That orange diarrhea muck.

[Brady Bogan]

How do you think it becomes pumpkin pie?

[John Holberg]

It doesn't become the poor people. Does it come from a can? No. No, it doesn't.

[David Attell]

No.

[John Holberg]

That is a trailer trash sentence if I've ever heard it. Food ain't food till it comes from a can. It's got to come from a pumpkin, dumbass.

[Brett Vesely]

People want to know if Brady's gonna be at the open house or is he already recorded his phone call acting.

[John Holberg]

Like, hey, it's Brady live at the the All Pro Shade Open house. I'll be here from from 9 to noon. I'm back in his portal. It's time traveling portal.

[Brady Bogan]

Blind people have four times more nightmares than people with sight.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Good thing they can't see those.

[Brady Bogan]

The poorest 5% of people in the US are still richer than 68 of the people in the world.

[John Holberg]

So quit your bitching and enjoy your canned pumpkin Toledo. It's not food unless it comes from a can. Said Salisbury steak over here had pancakes in a cup. Yeah, pancakes in a cup. Or his that's a staple in his diet and he's arguing the benefits of pumpkin in a can. I don't know what you're talking about.

[Valley Chevy Dealer Announcer]

No, what I said was it's not pumpkin pie if it doesn't come from a can.

[John Holberg]

Even that's what starts even. Guy Fieri looked at you and went.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Dude, you don't know what you're doing.

[Brady Bogan]

Here's a couple of quit quick hits. On Valentine's Day, 36% of people plan to buy chocolate for themselves. Valentine's Day get themselves a little cheap. 61% say they want chocolate for Valentine's regardless of their relationship status.

[John Holberg]

Who do they want it from?

[Brett Vesely]

Because those big broads know no one's gonna buy it for them, so they go buy their own.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Gonna go get this myself.

[Brady Bogan]

And 60% admit their deal hunters when it comes to buying chocolate, a lot of people get it the day after Valentine's Day. It's not guilt.

[John Holberg]

I didn't say that.

[Brady Bogan]

A new survey of a hundred thousand college students found that 35% of Gen Z adults admit they've texted or scrolled social media during sex.

[John Holberg]

Oh my God. Jesus, that's hard to do.

[Brady Bogan]

23% of the gen Zers admit to having sex with a roommate in the room. And 8% did it with their roommate was awake.

[John Holberg]

Wow. And they are scrolling their Instagram while they're having sex.

[Brady Bogan]

Got into that wormhole.

[John Holberg]

That has stopped. That's dirt. That's dirty talk, Brady.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Take that back.

[John Holberg]

That's not what we call a woman's vagina.

[Brady Bogan]

And if you're looking for some deals on Valentine's Day, check out USA Today. Okay, Flowers are obviously one of the big deals. Condoms. There's a jump. 62% in Instacart for condoms. 60%. And personal lubricants and vibrators are 74% up.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Mm.

[John Holberg]

Guys have to get over that a girl wants to use a vibrator in front of you. That's great. It doesn't. It doesn't. It does actually mean you're not getting it done, but it also means that she wants to have fun, and it's a guarantee it's less work for you. I look at vibrators. Like your neighbor coming over while you're mowing the lawn, and he brings his mower and doesn't say a thing. He just starts helping your laptop. Like, I'm good. This will be done faster. Yeah. And get some sleep.

[Brady Bogan]

Instacart also looked at which cities order the most aphrodisiac foods in the lead up to Valentine's Day. Stuff like oysters, pomegranates, supposedly put you in the mood. Colorado Springs and Scottsdale, Arizona. Lead.

[John Holberg]

Lead the list of aphrodisiac sales.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah. Yeah.

[John Holberg]

Really? Did you bring us roses?

[Brady Bogan]

Oh, my.

[John Holberg]

The new girl, Jacqueline, has brought us. They look better. Thank you. Calm down, Brady. There's no reason to make it a me too moment. Thank you, Jacqueline.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Oh, my gosh.

[Brady Bogan]

Look.

[John Holberg]

Better?

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah. Way better than me having a white rose in my hand. That's a compliment.

[John Holberg]

Well, no, you smell. You sprayed perfume on these. I'm calling HR this is a move. That's very sweet of her.

[Brady Bogan]

Thank you.

[John Holberg]

Are you giving them to the other morning shows? This means nothing to me. Jacqueline. This means nothing to me. Oh, sure. What a pro. I bet you say that to your side shows. The second or the first show that you've visited. Are we the first one? Okay. And then you're gonna go spend some time with the other ones. Well, some of the roses get on the mic. This is our new girl, Jacqueline. Well, what. What I was going to say was some of the roses are a little messed up. I, I here. No, no, I don't want your secondary. That's Dave Far's rose. I don't want that first one. Wow. I feel like a celebrity right now. But you gave me your flower first. We appreciate your support. Oh, thank you.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Thank you.

[John Holberg]

To our personality. Oh, stop it. Go be a salesperson somewhere else.

[Brady Bogan]

God, that was excellent.

[John Holberg]

Thank you. Jaclyn got us.

[Brady Bogan]

She even scrolled a message on Ace, the interview.

[John Holberg]

She wrote it. She says you're. Well, this is. And she was gonna. Here's what I know, that this message wasn't personal because I showed her that the rose she just gave me is kind of torn up on the side, and she was just gonna give me another one. So this message that says, you're a diamond, shine bright and have a happy Valentine's Day.

[Brady Bogan]

Mine says, you're funny. Have a great summer.

[Brett Vesely]

Keep in touch.

[David Attell]

Thank you.

[John Holberg]

Thank you. Very sweet. Of course, now all those other sales broads have been here 100 years. I feel the pressure. The new girl just brought us.

[Brett Vesely]

Are we gonna walk downstairs? Oh, are we ever missings?

[John Holberg]

Are we ever.

[Brady Bogan]

What's going on?

[John Holberg]

Jill, look at this. Oh, look at that. Jill, I've known you for 20 years. I get a Valentine's rose from you, and she'll say you got me anything and else. I hadn't get Jacqueline anything either, but it's a dead on voice. It's perfect. It sounds just like. Like she was here. Why you fish and poi.

[Brett Vesely]

You know, Ed's pulling over right now with one of those plushie stands at.

[John Holberg]

The gas station, buying us all.

[David Attell]

Another one.

[John Holberg]

You got two. It says, here's a good rose. F yourself. Chat GPT rules.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Thank you.

[John Holberg]

Chat GPT rules.

[DJ Easy Dick]

I love you.

[John Holberg]

Well, that's very sweet. That was very nice.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah, Ed's gonna come in with teddy.

[John Holberg]

Bears and say me.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Quarters.

[John Holberg]

That's very sweet.

[DJ Easy Dick]

I'll give this to David. This is very nice.

[Brady Bogan]

And now it's time for some science news.

[John Holberg]

All right.

[Brady Bogan]

Hello, my friends. Professor Brady Bogan here with your science news. A study found humans don't really need chins.

[John Holberg]

What about pillowcases?

[Brady Bogan]

They just sort of happened accidentally.

[John Holberg]

How do you put a pillowcase on without a chin?

[Brady Bogan]

As our skulls evolved. So evolutionary. So there's an evolutionary quirk. Other primates, primates like chimps, don't have chins. Neanderthals didn't have them.

[John Holberg]

But they don't have pillows.

[Brady Bogan]

I know.

[Brett Vesely]

I mean, there's Jay Leno just killed himself.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, I just got extra for everybody. But if I don't need a chin. I mean, we need a chin. I Can put pillow. I can put two pillowcases on at once.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah, you can't.

[John Holberg]

You gotta have a chin. What happens when you're like, your hands are full and you're trying to get your keys out of your pocket and you put whatever one under your. It holds things. I feel it's terrible for people without chin. Yeah.

[Valley Chevy Dealer Announcer]

I would argue we've evolved because of the reason.

[Brady Bogan]

I think China feels about that.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Okay.

[Brady Bogan]

Anyway, you're a great crowd.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Did you just do a phone book joke?

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

Ed said, damn straight. I'm bringing teddy bears. You guys deserve it.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Thank you. Visit Holmberg's morning sickness [e-mail] Holmberg's Morning Sickness.

[Brady Bogan]

A graphic went viral that explains ski jumpers. Penis gate.

[John Holberg]

I have to also go back to the chin thing. The reason we still have chins is because it's attractive. Women like guys with chins more than guys without. So chinless dudes were less likely to reproduce than lantern jawed, chinned men like Bill. Cower.

[DJ Easy Dick]

The chin.

[John Holberg]

Let's get out there.

[Brady Bogan]

Gotta get that chin.

[John Holberg]

Make sure that you're hitting the lady's bottom when you're down there, Bernie. When you're down on a girl and you gotta. That chin goes in the B hole.

[Brady Bogan]

Makes me emotional.

[John Holberg]

Ghost dealers. You and your wife. My wife is gonna. Oh, God, I'm sorry.

[Brady Bogan]

My new iv. So they did a little research on saying if the junk is bigger, if you're a ski jumper.

[John Holberg]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Brady Bogan]

And they found that an extra inch of material down there can make you fly 20ft further.

[John Holberg]

Why do you have more material for your penis?

[Brady Bogan]

Well, it's like a kite. It catches.

[John Holberg]

No, no, no, I understand that, but it's just this one inch.

[Brady Bogan]

Just in that one area.

[John Holberg]

That's not the material. That's your dick. They're not making.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah, because if that was a case and you know. So Falcon should be a ski J. Right.

[John Holberg]

But don't they just wear tights that smash them down no matter how big they are?

[Valley Chevy Dealer Announcer]

No, that's what they're saying is that they put more. More fabric in that area and they've.

[Brady Bogan]

Built it up or they inject it.

[John Holberg]

But shouldn't there just be.

[Valley Chevy Dealer Announcer]

Well, they did that before when they're measured.

[John Holberg]

But shouldn't there just be a uniform that you smash down your wiener with? Like tights.

[Valley Chevy Dealer Announcer]

But it has to fit the athlete, right?

[Brady Bogan]

Right.

[John Holberg]

No, not me.

[Valley Chevy Dealer Announcer]

You gotta get measured.

[John Holberg]

But you stay soft and you can smash down a big one or a small one. It doesn't Matter. It's like you're flying around with a rudder. Like I could have a big penis and you can have a small penis and we put on tights and it's just mind but it's not tights.

[Valley Chevy Dealer Announcer]

They're saying it's a little bit loose.

[Brett Vesely]

Depending on the fit edge of Lex steel starts.

[John Holberg]

Like I said, the blacks are going to take over ski jumping and we're never going to never be a white record holder again. When you start seeing Uganda win ski jumping you'll know that that's a true story.

[Brady Bogan]

He's cheating, Matthew.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Nope.

[Brady Bogan]

It's all natural.

[John Holberg]

Uganda build ski jumps like we are guaranteed gold medals in the Winter Games. Assad diga ibo I.

[Valley Chevy Dealer Announcer]

General naked.

[John Holberg]

General butt naked. What do you think about my grand ski jump?

[Brady Bogan]

Archaeologists in Turkey found the first physical evidence that ancient Romans used human feces and medicine.

[John Holberg]

I'm sorry but you guys stuck in the mud on that f you were spinning. That feces took a long time to come out.

[Brady Bogan]

They found traces of it in some sort of medicine.

[John Holberg]

No, don't test it. Let him go. No reason for you to grant it.

[DJ Easy Dick]

There it is.

[Brady Bogan]

They found it mixed with thyme and olive oil.

[DJ Easy Dick]

They were eating it.

[John Holberg]

By the way. Winston just texted up and said see.

[DJ Easy Dick]

I'm about to be an elite ski jumper.

[John Holberg]

Do it. He's got two sons. Quit making him baseball players and get him on the. Get him on the slopes. Winston.

[Brady Bogan]

That's your science news.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, that is going to be. I don't necessarily believe that stat. I think that's just hype for the Olympics. They wouldn't have. They were talking about. So it's a funny story to get like Olympic banter going. They could have done this in July. They knew this theory in July but they did it right as the Olympics are going now you're gonna watch the.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Ski jump just to see and you.

[John Holberg]

Know that the winner has a huge hog.

[Brady Bogan]

We've. We had a pickleball throwdown happen on Sunday. Florida couples facing charges after they got into a huge pickleball fight happened at a club in Port Orange near Daytona beach. Someone called 911 and said 20 people were in a physical fight on a pickleball court. At least some of them were seniors. 63 year old Anthony Sapienzo, he got arrested, apparently started a fight over rules violation. He accused another player of stepping in the kitchen.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah.

[Valley Chevy Dealer Announcer]

Oh that's.

[John Holberg]

That's a big move. You can't do that. Yeah, it's a rule.

[Brady Bogan]

According to the police. They had words then after the match, Anthony called the other guy. The other guy's wife. The C word.

[Brett Vesely]

Well, it happens.

[John Holberg]

Oh, she needed to be in the kitchen too.

[Brady Bogan]

And that guy defended her. Then Anthony punched him in the face, man. Hit him with a pickleball paddle. Paramedics does a guy in the hospital. Cut over his eye.

[John Holberg]

Oh, he sided him with the paddle.

[Brady Bogan]

Yep.

[John Holberg]

Oh, he hatcheted him. Yeah. Swing.

[Brady Bogan]

Cops say Anthony also punched another guy in the nose and punched a 70 year old woman to the push. Sorry.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Okay.

[Brady Bogan]

Pushed a 70 year old woman to the ground. And his 51 year old wife. Julianne apparently got in on it too.

[John Holberg]

You. You. You the baddest mother ever out here in pickleball.

[Brady Bogan]

She's facing felony charge. Battery for person 65 years and older.

[John Holberg]

Hey. Happy Valentine's Day.

[Brady Bogan]

Got a mug shot of both of them.

[John Holberg]

Oh, they're the Underhills.

[Valley Chevy Dealer Announcer]

They're the Italian Underhills.

[John Holberg]

Is it a country club or is it a old folks area?

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah, it's this country club. Yeah, Anthony and Julianne Sapienza.

[John Holberg]

The Sapienzas. You don't mess with him on a pickleball court. What are you doing in a kitchen? If I wanted something in the kitchen, it wouldn't be out here in pickleball. Get your. Get inside and make me some. Give me.

[Brady Bogan]

Give me some.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, that's exactly what I pictured. Whatever. Whatever you're picturing is the Sapienzas. Trust me, you nailed it. Matching necks. You believe this guy? Hey, you were in the kitchen. I wasn't in the kitchen. Let's just keep playing, Vinnie. I'm not gonna keep playing. You're a cheating piece of it. Am I wrong now? Be quiet. That's my husband. Nobody talking to you. Why don't you quiet down your beast. Your dog's barking. Put a leash on it. Who's next? Who's ass? Who's insure filled? Ass. Do I have to kick down here next to the pickleball court.

[Brady Bogan]

Got a couple of videos.

[John Holberg]

What are you up next? Metamucil, Centrum, Silver. We're gonna lose him. That feces thing.

[DJ Easy Dick]

And then now the dizziness.

[Brady Bogan]

I've got it.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, we know. You've got everything. We think HIV and all. Radio videos. Got something. All right, go ahead.

[Brady Bogan]

First one's a reminder to clean your ears.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Oh, no.

[John Holberg]

They're gonna pull something out of some Taiwanese guy's ear, aren't they?

[Brady Bogan]

I think he's not sure. Not sure? Might be race or it's.

[John Holberg]

It's one of those gross countries. Over there. Okay.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

We can't see a face, but we're going in with a camera in the ear. A lot of hair. Here's a wad of something. It's gonna open its eyes or move, isn't it? There's a wad of something in the guys here tonight. Does look like it's got fur. It's.

[Brady Bogan]

It does look like.

[John Holberg]

All right, there's like an attachment going in now. It's like a pokey. They're prying out the thing in his ear.

[David Attell]

Black.

[Brady Bogan]

The mini scoop.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, the scoop is going deeper now. There's something behind the thing we initially saw. Is that Sabrina Carpenter playing? Sounds like it's cute. No, it is.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Ophelia, you're right.

[John Holberg]

Here comes.

[DJ Easy Dick]

What is that?

[John Holberg]

A pencil? What's in his ear?

[DJ Easy Dick]

A cigarette.

[Brady Bogan]

And it kind of starts sucking back.

[John Holberg]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. It's. He's pulled out the camera is now opening up this strange yellow wax worm. Oh, my God. I don't think it's like a caterpillar. Look at this thing. Oh, it's got to be £4 of earwax. It looks like a monarch. Before it becomes. You know, when it's still in the chrysalis.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Thin pupil.

[John Holberg]

Man.

[Brady Bogan]

I can hear.

[John Holberg]

Oh, it's the size of a bullet within his ear. That is the grossest piece of wax I've ever seen. Thank you, Brady.

[Brady Bogan]

This next one's a tank. Full speed running over. If you had your Prius parked in the road. And here comes the military tank. About 40 miles per hour. This is what it would look like.

[John Holberg]

Tank is running in high speeds across the desert. There's a car parked in the intersection. There's can see is what a tank would do to your car. Everything. Oh, my God. Why don't we make cars out of those things? Oh, my God.

[DJ Easy Dick]

That's awesome.

[John Holberg]

Where did those hillbillies get a tank to play with? Because that isn't military. That's. Those are guys.

[Valley Chevy Dealer Announcer]

I would have said that's Ukraine until they started laughing.

[John Holberg]

Cuz that looks like a military.

[Brady Bogan]

Exactly.

[John Holberg]

Right?

[Caller]

There's a mountain.

[John Holberg]

These dude found keys. They shouldn't have started dicking around with a tank.

[DJ Easy Dick]

All right, that's enough of that.

[John Holberg]

Dude. I think these start the tank.

[DJ Easy Dick]

We're not supposed to play with the tank. Remember? The guy said don't. Don't play with the tank, dude.

[John Holberg]

He wouldn't have left the keys if he didn't want us to.

[Brady Bogan]

Last one's a quick one for Brett.

[John Holberg]

Oh, God.

[DJ Easy Dick]

All right.

[John Holberg]

Italians At a.

[DJ Easy Dick]

All right, this is dumb.

[John Holberg]

It's Italians at a one of those claw games, Only they're picking up proceedings, shooting sausage.

[DJ Easy Dick]

That's dumb.

[John Holberg]

All right, Brett, go ahead.

[DJ Easy Dick]

All right.

[John Holberg]

Go get them. Friday videos ready to go. Valentine special.

[Brett Vesely]

Now I know why Brady hired Rodney for a house cleaner. Because he could have wound up with something like this.

[John Holberg]

Okay, we got a house cleaner. Big fat. Oh, my God. It's a naked. What is that thing? Is that a vagina or is that a. A used football helmet.

[Brady Bogan]

Wow. Can't be real.

[John Holberg]

I don't know what that is. She's a naked house cleaner. She's scrubbing the floor. She's naked. She bends over, and I swear to God, it looks like the inside of a leather helmet. One of those 1890s leather football helmets. I. I would put my head in that, thinking it would protect me from a car accident.

[Brady Bogan]

Talked her into that.

[John Holberg]

Oh, who's filming it? Who's. The guy's like, I'm getting this on and I'm sending it to the world.

[Brett Vesely]

Roadhead, anybody?

[DJ Easy Dick]

Oh, there's just a decapitated guy.

[John Holberg]

Oh, my God. A guy's head's just in the road and there's a body, like, 40ft away. Oh, my God. That came off dead clean. Another one of those Toledo vacation spots. I like that. There's horns. Yeah, it's like move. Move the head. All right, here's a lady dressed up as some sort of weird superhero cardi b. And a guy's got his legs spread, and he's got. Oh, she does a hammer kick down onto his balls. Say goodbye to having kids. Oh, she.

[Brady Bogan]

What historical house is she doing?

[John Holberg]

Yeah, that does look like they're doing it in a tea room.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah, in between. Between the opening.

[John Holberg]

All right, we'll do the ball kicking at 11:50. And at 12:05, the high tea. All right, you gotta go. You gotta go. This is a person in medium heels pulling up her skirt. And it looks like she's in a. Like, she's in, like, a room with bruise. Like a janitor's room. Pants are coming off. She's going to crap. Oh, she's. She's making that canned pumpkin.

[Brett Vesely]

Watch the screen.

[John Holberg]

She's making canned pumpkin. And now little. Oh, hit the camera.

[Brady Bogan]

Give her some yogurt.

[John Holberg]

Why doesn't she just sit down? She's standing up and crapping all over the floor. Well, the good news is it's a cleaning room. There's, like, a janitor's supply right behind her. Somebody got to clean that Up. At least they don't have to walk far. All right, that's enough. Yeah, that's a Asian lady shooting pumpkin.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Oh, the world.

[John Holberg]

Ah, the world.

[David Attell]

Milk.

[John Holberg]

Here's a guy with a. He's siphoning milk into a woman's. Is that a vagina? Yeah, it's been pried open by one of those machines we don't know the.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Name of, but it's a milk.

[John Holberg]

Oh, it's in her urethra. He put it in the. Oh, yeah. So he's poured milk into that. I don't know what kind of contraption they built for that, but that's definitely gonna. Cause she got no right to complain to the doctor later because she did it to herself. Good Christ. All right, next one is we've got an Asian lady with really long nails, really long fingernails. Oh, and she shoved one of them right in a guy's pee hole. The Putting her whole pinky in a man's wiener. Yeah. Oh, he's finished. How did that happen? How did that happen? He evidently enjoyed that, apparently pulled her finger out and the whole world came out with it like a party. Surprised there wasn't a. At the end of that.

[Brett Vesely]

And, Brady, we know how you're. You know, you got to change your diet up a little bit. A little more vegetables for you.

[John Holberg]

Oh, here's somebody crapping spinach and Brussels fiber.

[DJ Easy Dick]

All right.

[John Holberg]

Somebody pushed half a salad show an entire salad bar up somebody. Somebody's butt. Now they're pushing it out.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Come on. Why does this.

[David Attell]

That's. Is that Popeye?

[Brady Bogan]

That's spinach or.

[John Holberg]

That's how I think salad tastes, anyway. Like it came out of somebody's butt.

[Brady Bogan]

Got some iron, man.

[John Holberg]

That's a lot of greens she's put in there, man. That's how the Jolly Green Giant. Replay. I'm surprised that thing in the end.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Just didn't go, ho, ho, ho.

[John Holberg]

What in the world happens to her bottom at the end of that? Once all the greens are out, it starts whistling like it's gonna do the Andy Griffith theme.

[Brady Bogan]

I wonder if those two last little leaves got sucked in on that last.

[John Holberg]

I wasn't wondering. The last thing I was thinking, wow, okay. I was just wondering what her uncle did to her. And I'm sure he's a vegetarian. She. The way she treats vegetables. My God. Well, there you go.

[DJ Easy Dick]

All right.

[John Holberg]

Well, for Valentine's Day, we got you a very romantic gift. David Tell is going to be here. Legend, comic legend, human legend. David Attel will join us in just moments. He's a genius. Just can't prove that with any paperwork or documentation or testing.

[Brady Bogan]

He might.

[John Holberg]

Maybe he's.

[DJ Easy Dick]

He's brilliant.

[John Holberg]

Uh, David tell's coming in here next. We'll talk to him. Uh, there goes your Brady report.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Hey, it's not weird.

[David Attell]

It's pretty cool, actually.

[John Holberg]

No membership fees.

[DJ Easy Dick]

I have heard enough of this for you. PD Holmberg's morning sickness.

[John Holberg]

You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself. Look at this.

[Brett Vesely]

If.

[John Holberg]

If you don't have your Valentine's Day.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Plans.

[John Holberg]

You don't have your Valentine's Day plans yet. Let me get you all moistened up with the no doubt unbelievable skills of a man who knows his way around, well, couples and romance and everything else.

[David Attell]

It's David right now. All right.

[John Holberg]

No, it's true.

[David Attell]

No. For my shows, only the broken broken.

[John Holberg]

Well, that's almost all of it. David tells it. Stand Up Live tonight and tomorrow and Sunday. You're gonna be.

[David Attell]

It's a big three hit.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. You are the Valentine's Day spokesperson at Stand Up Live.

[David Attell]

I have no idea how this happened, but it's always great to be back in Phoenix. And, guys, it's been too long.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, you've been dodging us for ages.

[David Attell]

I haven't been dodging you, dude.

[John Holberg]

Well, I've been looking for you, and you're not returning my call, so somebody's dodging somebody.

[David Attell]

Well, buddy, we just have to connect on Truth Social. That would be the best way to get in touch with me.

[John Holberg]

When is the last memorable Valentine. Valentine's Day for you?

[David Attell]

I don't know. Like, I usually don't do anything, but I'm always in these situations where I'm performing on these, like, very, like, coupley holidays.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah.

[David Attell]

You know, and isn't it also President's Day?

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yes, it is.

[David Attell]

Great. Well, then that's what I'm promoting.

[John Holberg]

You're here for president.

[David Attell]

Yeah. And I didn't want to go on a tear so quickly, but you know me, you know?

[John Holberg]

Of course. Yeah.

[DJ Easy Dick]

You jump on things.

[Brady Bogan]

30 minutes on Lincoln's gonna be out.

[John Holberg]

No.

[David Attell]

James Garfield.

[Brady Bogan]

Okay.

[David Attell]

Our 20th president.

[John Holberg]

Yeah.

[David Attell]

Assassinated, by the way.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah.

[David Attell]

They're still looking into it. And that on Netflix. Did you see that?

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah.

[David Attell]

You saw it?

[Brady Bogan]

Yes.

[David Attell]

So that, to me, is a sign that you're single. Are you single?

[John Holberg]

No.

[David Attell]

Because I was like, who else has seen this besides me?

[John Holberg]

Yeah, just two single guys.

[David Attell]

Masturbate away. Okay. If you love. If you love what you call it? Intrigue.

[John Holberg]

Yeah.

[David Attell]

And beards of every type. Every type. You can Imagine of a beard. It was crazy Garfield. I guess they shot it at a goat farm. It was just beard after beard after beard. Even the women were bearded.

[John Holberg]

It's worth watching just for that.

[David Attell]

It was. It was definitely like. If you ever wondered what. What the Taliban would look like if they wore suits. Well, there you go. You got it right there.

[Brady Bogan]

A lot of wolves.

[David Attell]

It was.

[John Holberg]

Do you know they skipped the one part in history that that happened. And that was my favorite part of that assassination. And that's a phrase you don't hear a lot.

[David Attell]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

Is when he got shot, he turned and looked at the. And went. What's this?

[David Attell]

Oh, really? Yeah.

[John Holberg]

They didn't do it. And there was a famous quote. This Garfield. Garfield's the most forgotten shot guy.

[David Attell]

Exactly.

[Brady Bogan]

Ever.

[David Attell]

They say that in the beginning, you don't know this guy. You don't know the guy who shot him.

[John Holberg]

No, not at all. And the guy that shot him was a, like, lunatic.

[David Attell]

But that was the best part of it because he was like a. Today's stalker without any of the way he's trying to stalk them. So he actually has to like, walk to places. He's like, where are they? I said they were in Boston. No, they're in Philadelphia. He's like, oh, my God, I gotta get a carriage. You really put a lot of work into it.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. Stalking carriages are underrated because that's when you know you've got a stalker outside and he's in a carriage. You're not that afraid. But he's probably the most dangerous.

[Brady Bogan]

I just dropped him off.

[John Holberg]

You ever go in a carriage? I would like to see you in like a. Are you grooming me, handsome cat rider? Would you like to go with me.

[David Attell]

On a handsome carriage? Yeah, I've been in a carriage.

[John Holberg]

I don't know. I don't know. I have. I don't think I've been in a carriage.

[David Attell]

You've never been in a carriage?

[John Holberg]

I don't believe I have.

[David Attell]

What do they do downtown here? See, now that's a Valentine Times thing. A carriage ride.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah. Where they do. We don't do.

[John Holberg]

We can't do that. The horses would die in the summertime. Sorry.

[David Attell]

Well, what about Burrows?

[John Holberg]

That's the most romantic.

[David Attell]

Like the off road vehicle of the horse.

[John Holberg]

They're the jeep of the equine family.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah.

[David Attell]

They can do anything.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, I would. I would. I would find that romantic. A nice donkey ride around Phoenix.

[David Attell]

Better than a camel ride.

[John Holberg]

That's.

[David Attell]

Am I right? Let's feel that border. Sorry. Anyway, it's Great to be amongst friends.

[DJ Easy Dick]

It is good to be here.

[John Holberg]

David tells it stand up live tonight and tomorrow and Sunday. What do you do with your free.

[DJ Easy Dick]

What?

[Brady Bogan]

What?

[John Holberg]

You're the. You're an anomaly. You're an anomaly of a human being.

[David Attell]

No, I'm kind of a just.

[John Holberg]

People want you to be this davitel and you are. This is an authentic you.

[David Attell]

Right.

[John Holberg]

But that's the thing. It's like, I think they want you to be something that no one can imagine. And you're just a guy. Right, Right.

[David Attell]

I'm just a sad man. I'm a sad man looking at the world, asking, what did he say? What's this?

[John Holberg]

Yeah. What's that? Yeah. Were you and were you a normal kid?

[David Attell]

No.

[John Holberg]

Terrible question.

[David Attell]

No, it's really funny because I feel like I'm the most spoiled. Like, growing up, like, we had toys and, you know, like, we went on vacations and like, I meet all these people in comedy. That was the good thing about comedy. You get to meet people, like, all over.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah.

[David Attell]

It's like. Yeah. Like. No, we went there when I was a kid on vacation. It's like, you had a vacation. You had a. You know, you had a father, like that kind of stuff.

[John Holberg]

Yeah.

[David Attell]

So, you know. Yeah. I feel like I'm very spoiled. You know, I do all that stuff with my mom. She has dementia. I think we talked about it. Like, when was it? See, now I have got it for eight years, 12 years ago, so.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah.

[David Attell]

But New Year's, she had an incident and, like, it was. It was like, really stressful. Me and my sister, like, do all the care. Pretty much. I have people in there doing it. You know, I pay him, but.

[John Holberg]

Sure.

[David Attell]

But, you know, it was, like, real. She had to go to hospital and everything. And I'm like, like the worst day.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Thank you.

[David Attell]

Like, you know how hard it is. I'm in New York City doing shows. You know how hard it is to get out, get out? Out of the city on New Year's Eve. It's like a drunk driving festival and everything. Like, thanks. You couldn't pick President's Day, you know.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. I gotta come back in on New Year's Eve.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. That's selfish. Dementia is what I call that. That's what I. Yeah, she could have waited till tomorrow. She's still gonna have.

[David Attell]

Exactly. New Year's Day. Nothing's going on.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. Everybody can get in to and fro. Go to your dementia patient.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah.

[David Attell]

And I'm excited about these shows and I'll tell you why. Go first off, I'm out of New York. New York is freezing right now. We're talking about it in.

[Brady Bogan]

In the.

[David Attell]

It was like, below zero, whatever. It was three degrees, something like that. And we almost hit our record of, like, sad, cold days there. Then we actually got snow, which is such a rarity. And I don't know. You guys never get snow here, do you?

[DJ Easy Dick]

Not really.

[David Attell]

You got to go in the high mountains.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, that.

[David Attell]

Okay. Anyway, when they. When they shut. When they plow. They plow people. Like, they plow it against people's cars, and they're, like, kind of stuck in there. So, like, it's kind of weird when you see these cars. They're like, just basically, like, they can't use the car, like, until they can.

[Brady Bogan]

Buried.

[David Attell]

Yeah, they're buried, basically. And like, you know, I'm wondering, like, if they're getting ticketed because you gotta move.

[John Holberg]

Yeah.

[David Attell]

So it's like almost a plan for the city to make money.

[John Holberg]

You know, the snow makes it so.

[Brady Bogan]

They can get the ticket on the car. Sometimes times you can't.

[David Attell]

Yeah. Well, I'd figure out here everybody's so, like, you know, like, mountainy, that they would be able to get the car out. Right.

[DJ Easy Dick]

We'd figure it out.

[David Attell]

You'd have another friend with, like, a truck.

[Brady Bogan]

There's a lot of lifted cars out here, too.

[David Attell]

More so I would think they would just go and get a. A better car.

[John Holberg]

We'll just have landscapers go by with the leaf blowers, and that's something.

[David Attell]

Yeah, we don't have.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, you guys don't have that? Not anymore. You got rid of those?

[David Attell]

We don't do it.

[DJ Easy Dick]

You don't do it.

[John Holberg]

It's just nothing but leaves.

[David Attell]

Don't even talk about it, really.

[John Holberg]

It's not a thing.

[DJ Easy Dick]

We can't even mention. Mention it.

[John Holberg]

It's too painful.

[David Attell]

Too soon, you know, I don't know if you guys. We were talking. You don't like the cold at all, right?

[Brady Bogan]

I.

[John Holberg]

You know what? I'm done with it. There's no reason for it.

[David Attell]

What about.

[Brady Bogan]

It's okay visiting.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. There's just no reason for it.

[David Attell]

So this is not your Olympics, then? The Winter Olympics?

[John Holberg]

I like watching other people who are cold while I'm warm. I have no. People say that. Like, oh, this is football weather. And I'm like, yeah, because it's 75. We're watching it on TV.

[David Attell]

That was quite a. That was quite a game, wasn't it?

[John Holberg]

Oh, yeah. It was fun, right?

[DJ Easy Dick]

My God, a lot of.

[John Holberg]

A lot of excitement there.

[David Attell]

You know, I. To be honest, I think it was a love letter to punting. You know what I'm saying?

[John Holberg]

It was.

[David Attell]

I never gets enough props. And now, you know, he saved the day.

[Brady Bogan]

That was good punting.

[David Attell]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

It would be like if they took a porn and edited it and put it on tnt. Although it was like, all right, everything I don't want from this is happening over and over. Where's the action? There was nothing. Are you a football guy?

[David Attell]

Not really, But I would say that halftime, you know, you had to check.

[DJ Easy Dick]

It out, had to watch.

[John Holberg]

What'd you think?

[David Attell]

I didn't watch it.

[John Holberg]

Oh, okay.

[David Attell]

No, I thought it was. Was kind of long and hard to understand, but what do I know?

[John Holberg]

Because it was in Spanish, you were 100% correct.

[DJ Easy Dick]

I thought. I thought it was just one of.

[John Holberg]

Those deals where they run everything backwards like old Beatles or Aussie records and make everybody guess the message.

[David Attell]

Don't you think that the halftime entertainment should also have to play in the game? Because I do. I mean, I think that would be great.

[John Holberg]

If you get hired, you got to. Yeah. Just watch bad bunny. Take one for each team. He's got to suit up for each one. First half, he's a patriot. Second half, he's rolling out there as a seahawk turn.

[Brady Bogan]

A punt, that would be.

[David Attell]

Oh, see, in the banana games.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

Baseball, Savannah bananas.

[David Attell]

Yeah. They would do their own halftime. If they did.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. They would have made bad money play.

[David Attell]

Those guys are those guys. They got, like, a 20 hour day.

[John Holberg]

Yeah.

[David Attell]

They get there, they're, like, signing autographs. They're out front. They're tailgating with crazy.

[John Holberg]

They're drinking and goofing with you.

[David Attell]

Yeah, exactly. And they're all like, you know, if I only, you know, know. I guess some of them love it, right? Yeah, but they're entertainers.

[John Holberg]

They'd rather be in the pros, right? Yeah. So it is. In a weird way, all their smiles are artificial. Like, nobody's really that happy on the bananas because their lives didn't work out or they wouldn't be dressed like that.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah.

[David Attell]

It's like when you go to, like, a. A theme park and you meet, like, you know.

[John Holberg]

Yeah.

[David Attell]

Whoever that is, they don't want to be.

[John Holberg]

They don't want to be me.

[David Attell]

They don't want to be a wizard.

[John Holberg]

It's not working. And they have to plaster a smile on and for your memories forever.

[David Attell]

Well, that's why Nate, who's the best comic in the country? Nate.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah.

[David Attell]

He.

[John Holberg]

The.

[David Attell]

His idea of opening a Theme park. You know, he wants to open like an amusement park that's like one of his things. And he's like the hardest sell out there right now. Like that guy could sell tickets. He's great. He's just a great guy. Like, I want to get a job at that theme park as a David Tell. Yeah, like. And you know, like, you know how they got that like museum, you know, like the. What is that, like haunted house in Disney World? Like. Oh, yeah, yeah. The haunted comedy club. Old Hack. The Old Hack.

[John Holberg]

It's live. It's live comedy inside.

[David Attell]

The floor drops, but it's just all.

[John Holberg]

The Haunted hack house.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah.

[David Attell]

What's up? You know catchphrases? Where you from?

[John Holberg]

Don't you hate socks? Yeah, we be shopping. Like it's a whole. It's a comedy fun park where you guys are the mascots and there isn't many dressed as Davitel. It's actually you.

[David Attell]

We're also available too. What a great. He should open it like right outside of that. Brantford, Missouri.

[John Holberg]

Oh yeah.

[David Attell]

So it'll be like one of those things like for the people to get the alt version.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, yeah. You Janine Garofalo?

[David Attell]

No, she's great.

[John Holberg]

Geechee guy. Is he still alive? I don't even know. I don't know all the Star Search people. And then you'd be like the headline liner.

[David Attell]

That would be. I don't even have to be that. I'd be the door guy.

[John Holberg]

Just let us in.

[David Attell]

Yeah, the guy who gives the rules. I don't even have to be funny at that point.

[John Holberg]

Oh my God, Dave, this is a great idea.

[David Attell]

I think. Yeah, he should definitely do like a live interaction or like, you know, like in those, you know, where they practice like shooting in the house. I could do one of those things.

[John Holberg]

Like the domestic violence Museum. What are you talking about? Who practices shooting in the house?

[David Attell]

Else they go into the meet when they have a special name for it like the. The kill chamber and they have like regular people and then they have the.

[Brady Bogan]

Innocence.

[David Attell]

Hey, fellas. How's it going? You know, there's a shooting around me.

[John Holberg]

There's a cat, Steel cat that pops up in the window.

[David Attell]

One of the best shows I did of 2025. I'm sorry we have to segue for the video, but you know Doug Stano, probably the greatest Arizonian comics who's ever lived.

[John Holberg]

For sure. He's never here though. He.

[David Attell]

He's never here ever here.

[John Holberg]

No. Yeah.

[David Attell]

No. When he goes on the road, he goes hard. Yeah. Him And I were working in Spokane, Washington, and he had the show after mine. So this is like, the first time we've both been in the same town together. You know, it's like a real, like. Like an eclipse, basically, of two old. You know, two old dogs.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah.

[David Attell]

So I did my show first, and, like, I'm doing punch. Like, jokes and punch lines, all this stuff. And then, you know, I play that recorder thing. I don't know. You saw the Hot Cross Buns thing.

[John Holberg]

Oh, yeah, yeah. I know what you're talking about. Yes.

[David Attell]

Okay. So I said, how funny would it be? Because I got these juggling jokes. So I was like, these two guys work at the club, and I. And they said, hey, we can juggle. I go, will you juggle on stage? As I'm playing the recorder, this is like the ultimate entertainment. So they're like, yeah, no problem. I go, can you pass it back and forth? So I'm up there playing the recorder, and they're hitting me with the juggling. They're basically. It was. It was like, pelted with, like. I was on a dark site somewhere, like terrorism. Like, hit him with those clubs. And then Doug is there. And then I bring Doug out. Of course, we go back and forth. But, like, then Doug show, and it's all about him going to the Ukraine. And he gets a shot. He gets a shot like, you know, he's shooting a. They let him, like, pull the trigger on, like, a cannon.

[John Holberg]

Did they know who he was?

[DJ Easy Dick]

Who?

[David Attell]

I don't know.

[John Holberg]

Ukrainians are big.

[David Attell]

He was going there. I guess they're just happy with anybody goes.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, I was going to say they just let any comedian roll in.

[David Attell]

Doug. Yeah, he said he did some shows there. They were really into it and all that kind of stuff.

[John Holberg]

Aren't they busy? Like, killing Russians?

[David Attell]

The bunker show he's doing the draft Dodgers peeking out. Oh, he's okay.

[John Holberg]

It's Stanhope's Salute to Cowards of Ukraine.

[David Attell]

Yeah. I'm like. And they paid you? It wasn't really about the money, but.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, you know, but he wanted to go to Ukraine.

[David Attell]

Yeah. No, that. I think that's one of the coolest things you could do. I mean, that's amazing. Yeah. And I forget how long he was there, but he was there for a while, so.

[John Holberg]

So do you want to go there?

[David Attell]

I would love to. And my mother. Oh, my God.

[John Holberg]

Take your mom to the Ukraine, strap.

[David Attell]

Her to a drone and drop her on the Russians.

[John Holberg]

That's the thing about what's going on in Tucson. You Were there last night. That's why I don't think that lady who got abducted in Tucson is the woman they were aiming at. Because nobody wants to steal an 85 year old. Your mother is a person. It's too much work. You got medicines. You got time. She's cold all the time. She's hungry. She needs stuff. She forgets what you just talked about. Who wants this?

[Brett Vesely]

This.

[John Holberg]

The real victims here are the kidnappers.

[David Attell]

Well, with my mom, I love our greeting, which is, hi, mom. Who are you and who am I?

[John Holberg]

Yeah, she's deep.

[David Attell]

She's right.

[Brady Bogan]

Who am I?

[John Holberg]

She decards you right in the door.

[David Attell]

Years or eight years of who are you?

[John Holberg]

What do you want?

[DJ Easy Dick]

My God. She's got me.

[David Attell]

I'm the guy paying for this whole operation.

[Caller]

That's.

[Brady Bogan]

Sometimes, you want my ice cream.

[John Holberg]

Do you ever answer her with things that you know, like, well, I agree with everything.

[David Attell]

It's all improv.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah. It's all you.

[David Attell]

Absolutely.

[John Holberg]

It's. Yes.

[David Attell]

And with dementia, there's like, there's always the new person who's never been around. Someone with dementia and they're like, why would you say that? Do you remember? I'm like, never use. Do you remember? Yeah, it's like they don't remember anything. Yeah. Okay. They don't remember what just happened or whatever. You just got to roll with whatever's going on. My mom's still sweet. You know, some people that get angry, you know, they have the sundown syndrome when they turn to a whole other person at night. You saw warfare, didn't you?

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah.

[David Attell]

Break the twig and turns into a.

[John Holberg]

But. Yeah, it's. It's a. It's a strange.

[DJ Easy Dick]

So.

[John Holberg]

So many people go through it and it's like, it's. Yes. And you're right. It's improv. You have to be kind of like, all right, that's what we're doing now. And that's going to go away in five minutes.

[David Attell]

Well, the good news is this. And we can all agree with AI Right. Filling something. I don't know.

[John Holberg]

Are you an AI fan? Don't worry.

[Brady Bogan]

AI will fix it.

[John Holberg]

Are you afraid of it?

[David Attell]

I'm afraid of these driverless cabs.

[John Holberg]

Now.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Have you been in a Waymo yet?

[David Attell]

No, but I watch them and I go look like it's weird to see something that just is built to dry.

[John Holberg]

Yeah.

[David Attell]

Like they're not thinking about like, you know, I'm going to get home and I'm going to rail my wife.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah.

[David Attell]

You know, whatever. Oh, man. That was the Best game ever.

[Brady Bogan]

Or, like, just one more volume.

[David Attell]

Yeah. Like, you know, if I ask my uncle for money, maybe I can start that trucking, you know, there's nothing else.

[John Holberg]

Just driving. It's A to B fight with his AI wreck.

[Brady Bogan]

Shouldn't be driving.

[David Attell]

And the way the car, like, moves too, you know, you're like. It's like a million zeros and ones and.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah.

[David Attell]

A turn.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, it's coming for us.

[David Attell]

But I think we can all agree we've seen guys go in, but we haven't seen anyone come out.

[John Holberg]

It's the portal.

[DJ Easy Dick]

They all go in. They never come out.

[John Holberg]

I think they go back in time.

[David Attell]

It's a story.

[John Holberg]

And they have the beards and they end up in Garfield's assassination. It's just a portal. Let's see what I did. Wouldn't it be great, though, if that did happen? Like, you got in there and it just took you to another, like, Matrix.

[David Attell]

Yes, that would be awesome.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah.

[David Attell]

Like, even more advanced. Yes. Where you have to get a new phone again and all that.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. Oh, my God. Could you, like, what do you think you'd do if it wasn't for comedy?

[DJ Easy Dick]

What would David tell be doing?

[David Attell]

I don't know what my skill set.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, that's me. I don't have, like. If the end of the world came, what do you offer?

[David Attell]

I don't know. I could see myself running a barter town.

[John Holberg]

You'd be, like, in charge of a bar.

[David Attell]

What do you got here? Some. How many batteries.

[John Holberg]

You think you can.

[Brady Bogan]

Two credits.

[David Attell]

I would be.

[John Holberg]

I'd be a bad salesperson. I. I have no skills. In case of the apocalypse, I'd be the first one. I'd be fodder they'd use.

[David Attell]

Well, what's your hobby that you think could be, like, a successful show?

[Brady Bogan]

Masturbating?

[John Holberg]

Talking into microphones at home.

[David Attell]

Really?

[DJ Easy Dick]

This is all I do.

[John Holberg]

I go home and practice. No, I guess, like, hobbies I have. I don't know. I don't do anything. Watching TV is not a hobby, is it?

[Brady Bogan]

You could maybe be a driver. You know, if they need it.

[David Attell]

Everybody's not good at driving.

[John Holberg]

I'm not either. I'm okay at it.

[David Attell]

I was thinking of, like, in New York. I don't know if you have it out here. Professional dog walkers. Like, I feel like I could do.

[Brady Bogan]

Oh, yeah. Pretty good with.

[David Attell]

That'd be good because you're also getting up and you're moving around, but my feet hurt now, so I don't know how. Maybe you're in plus, the New York dogs are a lot of work. They really are a lot of work. It's like a dog. You know what you call it? My mom's dog, you know, Snowball. He's. He's so weird, but it's a training dog, a companion. Oh, he's so old. I mean, he's the worst, but he's great. But he's. He's terrible. But. But the. You know, in my neighborhood, like, there's a lot of fancy dogs where they go to dog daycare, you know, And I. And you get to look in and. And, like, they just sit on the floor looking at the door, waiting for their person to come out. I'm like, where's the day?

[John Holberg]

What do they do?

[David Attell]

I smell fraud right here.

[John Holberg]

There's fraud going on. Dog frog. Finally, somebody to blow the lid off of this. David tells it stand up live tonight, tomorrow, and Sunday. Do you change anything up for Valentine's Day, or are you going to.

[DJ Easy Dick]

To.

[David Attell]

No, there's other acts on the show. I'm sure they'll be talking about it, but this is what I'm gonna say. This town is a comedy town. There's a lot of super fans. I have new stuff, so I think you're gonna like it. And both of you were invited, if you want to come down.

[John Holberg]

Wow. Thank you.

[David Attell]

You can have separate tables if you like.

[Brady Bogan]

Good.

[David Attell]

You know, there's no need for you guys to be bunched up all day long with him. We have a spotlight that can move, so it can go. I look well to me.

[John Holberg]

Did they still have that comedy club in the Midwest that had miners helmets?

[Brett Vesely]

Did you ever.

[John Holberg]

What do you remember? They had, like.

[David Attell]

How did I miss this one?

[Brady Bogan]

Or something.

[John Holberg]

They didn't have lights. It was a strip club and a comedy club.

[David Attell]

Whoa.

[John Holberg]

And they had you, and it was called the mine or something like that. And they had miners helmets with lights on them. And they'd watch the dancer and the comedians would come on, and, like, the lights were like, one or two.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah.

[Brady Bogan]

Come on.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. It used to be kind of a thing.

[David Attell]

When was this?

[John Holberg]

That had to be early age.

[David Attell]

Can you pay in coal?

[John Holberg]

Yeah. Yes.

[David Attell]

Look at this. We take only rare earth.

[DJ Easy Dick]

You made it.

[John Holberg]

You made it rain minerals.

[David Attell]

Here's some Byzantium.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. I don't know if that. I don't know how long that lasted.

[DJ Easy Dick]

But I know that was.

[David Attell]

Dude, that's a great.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, I think it would be awesome. It saves the club money. They don't have to pay for lights.

[David Attell]

No, but I just mean like the creepiness of it.

[John Holberg]

Oh, completely.

[David Attell]

Just like the lights. Like a requiem for a dream.

[John Holberg]

Like this light flying around.

[Brady Bogan]

That would be wild.

[John Holberg]

And then. Yeah, you turn them back on for the end of that requiem. The double thing.

[David Attell]

Oh, my God. Well, they do nude comedy. You know that, right?

[John Holberg]

No.

[David Attell]

Oh, you know, I did Skank Fest, which was great. I think that's one of the best festivals I've ever done.

[John Holberg]

Really?

[David Attell]

Yeah. Like the people put together, Louis Gomez and Christine, they just are amazing. And they did in New Orleans. Okay. So, like, I'm old. Doug was there as also. Yeah, Doug. And there was a couple of. But like, it's really like, you know, Shane dropped by, a lot of people came by. So anyway, in New Orleans and they rented out like a whole pier. There was like a boxing ring and it was just amazing. Like the way they. And it's New Orleans, so it's like you could do whatever you want. You know, the biggies.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Right.

[David Attell]

Blah, blah, blah. So it's like we're having a great. They had a Ferris wheel.

[John Holberg]

Oh my God.

[David Attell]

They had some other amusement rides there. But the best part was like, you know, the shows were pretty good. They were good, you know, but like, people been there all day long, you know, like, sure, they're worn out, but you know, they had podcasts. Okay. So you get what was there. But then they have all these crazy boxes, things going on where they basically have guys who are like coming off a three day binge get in the ring, you know, just fight. It's always like they like fully beat.

[John Holberg]

Down, like bum fights.

[David Attell]

And then they had two guys going at it with a taser. Now I've. I asked. I know guys that like mma.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah.

[David Attell]

Have you ever been to like, whatever, like, I don't know, somewhere in the Orient or something where like they fight with a taser. He's like, I've never seen that. And they had a taser.

[John Holberg]

Wait, that was part of the fight?

[David Attell]

Yeah, it was great. It was like MMA with a taser. It was like old, old school.

[John Holberg]

Like, I think you just watched the police attack a black man in New Orleans.

[David Attell]

Like Jason Bourne. Like, then he gets him over. But it was happening.

[John Holberg]

I want to watch that.

[David Attell]

But I was like, that's so. That's so hilarious. But for this crowd, they could have done it with like a bar of soap, a vaccination.

[John Holberg]

David Tell at Stand up Live. Standup Live.com is where you get your tickets, Dave. It's always, don't make five more years. I'm so Sorry, guys, because we'll be retired soon. Oh, we're done with this. Oh, no, we're all done.

[David Attell]

There's no retirement in this economy.

[John Holberg]

There is. Well, it's called quitting. And, yeah, it's different than retirement. And then you just end it on your terms. Leave us with words of wisdom. Is such a wise.

[David Attell]

Words of wisdom. I'll keep it. I'll keep it into the comedy world.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Okay.

[David Attell]

Sure, you can sit at home and watch clicks all day long, but don't you want to experience it live?

[John Holberg]

Yes.

[David Attell]

Don't you want to smell it? Don't you want to suck it in? Well, then you got to come down to these shows, whether it's me. This shows at Tempe. This shows at.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, up at Desert Ridge.

[David Attell]

Desert.

[John Holberg]

Yeah.

[David Attell]

I love all these names. It's always like this. Like a historic gun battle. I was at Rattlesnake Bridge last night.

[John Holberg]

We have Bloody Basin.

[David Attell]

We weren't eating ice cream, that's for sure.

[John Holberg]

Nobody even knows you go through i17. It's like bloody Basin Road.

[David Attell]

And like, I love it.

[John Holberg]

It got named for that.

[David Attell]

Nice.

[John Holberg]

We don't even care why. It's just.

[David Attell]

And what's there now, like yoga Studio.

[John Holberg]

Vram. Yeah. It's always a pleasure. You're a legend, Dave, and we thank you. Thank you for your time. David, tell everybody it's 98.

[DJ Easy Dick]

It's not weird.

[David Attell]

It's pretty cool, actually.

[John Holberg]

No membership fees.

[DJ Easy Dick]

I have heard enough of this. You P.D. hornberg's morning sickness.

[John Holberg]

You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself.

[DJ Easy Dick]

98 the eve of PT.

[John Holberg]

Alrighty. I didn't give you the 9 o' clock word yet. It's 9 o' clock as we tape our podcast live here on the radio. Market. Market. M A R K E T. Market. Like supermarket, only without the super part. I know I just screwed that up because people are gonna know pipes. They don't do just the word market. Put that in the app and go to our 98kupd.com app. If you've recently maybe slept with a.

[DJ Easy Dick]

98Kupd listener and you're like, I'm wanting to like what he likes. So you downloaded the I don't know what I'm talking about.

[John Holberg]

It's Valentine's Day.

[Brett Vesely]

Jay Z dick's coming out.

[DJ Easy Dick]

And look, he's back again. Brady home and ready. If you've been. You've recently taken the partially erect penis of a probably inebriated cupd listener and you wanted to get on his page so you Downloaded the app. You can pound that app, baby. Pounded right in the app. Put in the word market for the 9:00 clock block. Oh, yeah, DJs. You take care of the house. I did get an email from somebody. I've taken taking a little break off listening to the show. Love the Dave Attel. Happy Valentine's Day to all of you. Valentine's Day, of course, at Kiss. 12:30, starts at noon because we're not getting up for that. That's ridiculous.

[John Holberg]

I gotta.

[DJ Easy Dick]

I got an email from a guy that says, hey. Dear DJ Easy Dick. How do you tell your wife of 20 years that she actually doesn't give BJ's? Very good. It's killing me because I used to love them, but because I used to date women that could do it. Help me. Oh, help me, D.J. easy Dick. Well, the best way to tell your wife that she's not good at blowjobs is to get caught with your side piece getting one. She'll get the message right away. Oh, I must not be very good at blowjobs anymore. That's right. Perhaps even talk to a dentist and say, is anything we can do with a file and some, I don't know, sleepy time pills? The best thing to do is not finish. That's the fastest way to let your wife know that she's no good at it. You know you've got it right when she's like, how come you never finished that? You say, well, the same reason I don't do hiking in ice skates. It's just terrible. Not into the top of the mountain that way, are we? So. I didn't think so. So the fastest thing to do is tell you why she's not good at it. And she probably hates it, which is why she's bad at it in the first place. So the best thing you can do about that then is say, I'm gonna give you a break. Those are no longer part of your duties. I'm gonna farm that out. I hope I've helped. And ladies who are bad, ladies who are bad at blowjobs, knock it off. It's really not that hard. It's like being bad at eating. Sometimes you.

[John Holberg]

It's like eating soup.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Wrong. You don't use your teeth, open your gob, put it in and swallow even the chunky parts. And sometimes when you're eating a soup, metaphorically, of course, tickle the bottom of the bowl, maybe even shove your finger in the salt. Happy Valentine's Day from DJ Easy Dick and your friends at KISS 1230, the rhythm of the City.

[John Holberg]

Thanks for your questions, man.

[Brett Vesely]

He got a smoke detector fixed, Apparently.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. I didn't even hear it once back there.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Don't be a dick, Brad. You know what you're gonna. Cause now you did it, didn't you? You jinxed it. God damn it. Still a GoFundMe page for Desmond Wilson from Sanford and Son. Not doing nearly as well as James Van Der Be. We just got a 100 gift card from K. Momo.

[John Holberg]

I'm not sure that's gonna help anyway.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Knock it off, Brett.

[John Holberg]

It's 9.

[DJ Easy Dick]

21. Stop it.

[Brett Vesely]

Wonder who's gonna do the job fairs now?

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah, that's right. Desmond Wilson can no longer be appearing at the job fairs. But we have quickly shifted. We've pivoted. If it was.

[John Holberg]

Oh, yeah.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Come meet Haywood Nelson from what's Happening. He's going to be out there. You remember him? Which one? Roger.

[John Holberg]

I think it was Roger.

[DJ Easy Dick]

No, Roger was the other guy. He was Dwayne. That's right. Dwayne.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Hey, hey, hey, Rod. That's who's going to do the job for us. Do you have any more questions or can I leave now? That's enough, all right? I'm moving on up. I'll talk to y' all later.

[Brady Bogan]

Moving on up.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Stop it.

[Brett Vesely]

Is he coming back for the Squares?

[John Holberg]

He might be in this. Okay, good.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Maybe. Also, I'd just like to let everybody know that if your wife is no good at blow jobs. This show here had a girl named Sarah on. I think she'll do it. I'm not saying it's going to be.

[John Holberg]

Good, good, but it'll get done.

[DJ Easy Dick]

It's going to happen.

[John Holberg]

What does that mean?

[DJ Easy Dick]

Oh, yeah, I see what he's doing. Brady just handed me a note that said if you want to head on out to Avondale, Dodge, Haywood will be out there all day. And I think we both know where you can find him standing. You're going to have to talk loudly, though, cuz those engines over there booming.

[John Holberg]

Listen for the bass and the roar of a hellcat.

[DJ Easy Dick]

All right, it's time for the entertainment drill.

[John Holberg]

It's brought to you by friends at Schwartz Laser Eye Center. Dr. Jay Schwartz is there for you. If you'd like. Dr. Jay Schwartz will take a look at your eyes. And he's not going to make a big fuss out of that because the technology is insane. If you haven't had an eye exam in a while, it's worth it just.

[DJ Easy Dick]

To go to see what.

[John Holberg]

What has happened. Do you think AI is impressive. The last three or four years of technology for eye doctors, it's like going into a sci fi movie and they have everything. It's amazing. And they'll find stuff and. And get ahead of the game there. If you've got a cataract, if your vision's no good, if you can't see the license plate on the car in front of you without squinting or looking for readers or glasses, Dr. J. Schwartz is the person you need to talk to. He'll fix it. Whether it's Lasik or you got the. The lens replacement or some other treatment, he'll know it. I don't know anything about it. That's why you gotta go to him. I had my lens replaced and it is a drastic difference in my life, not just my sight. So head on over there, Schwartz Sleazer Eye center. And stop squinting and wearing glasses and contacts and get it done. The team idoc.com. that's where you go. They're the Sons and Diamondbacks eye doctors for a reason. Head on over there. The Schwarz Laser Eye Center. Brady Entertainment.

[Brady Bogan]

There's an impressive AI video of Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise fighting. It's gone viral.

[John Holberg]

The end of us. Have you seen it?

[Brady Bogan]

It's the new sea dance 2.0. This Chinese tech company, me just put it together. I saw it.

[John Holberg]

It's the end of acting.

[Brady Bogan]

15 seconds.

[John Holberg]

You'll never know.

[Brady Bogan]

Rhett Reese, he's the guy behind worked on Deadpool and Wolverine. Lives here.

[John Holberg]

He's from Arcadia.

[Brady Bogan]

I worked for his dad for years.

[John Holberg]

Oh, you did too?

[Brady Bogan]

Own Sundance Broadcasting.

[John Holberg]

Who?

[Brady Bogan]

David Reese.

[John Holberg]

Did I work for him? I don't remember that. Was that before me?

[Brady Bogan]

KZ O N.1 of our main owners was.

[John Holberg]

No kidding. I didn't know that.

[Brady Bogan]

I took both the boys when I moved into town.

[John Holberg]

What does that mean?

[Brady Bogan]

They went to.

[John Holberg]

I took both of the boys when they moved into town. Rephrase.

[Brady Bogan]

Play tennis.

[John Holberg]

Oh, thank God.

[Brady Bogan]

Anyway, he says, I saw it and I hate to say it, it's likely over for us.

[John Holberg]

Oh, that's what I said.

[Brady Bogan]

I'm not excited about AI encroaching into creative endeavors.

[John Holberg]

Don't do this.

[Brady Bogan]

I'm terrified. So he goes. Many people I love are facing the loss of careers. They love.

[Brett Vesely]

Everybody.

[John Holberg]

No, no, no. Don't Metallica this. Every time I hear this, I will make the same impassioned plea. Embrace this. It is not knocking. It's entering. It's not asking to be part of our lives. It's going to be part of our lives. I just used it to write some stuff, get involved with it, embrace it. This is not a thing that's just standing outside you. It is coming in. So the faster we sit back and say, all right, it is going to wreck some stuff we're familiar with, but it will make it better if we all embrace it. The second we start putting up, look what Metallica did. They made iPhones more possible. They made Apple, itunes, what we all use. Spotify, Apple. That's all. Because Metallica said, napster, we're fighting you. And so what you cause is this great big speed up to it. Because the technology wants to race the lawsuit. It's embrace this. And it's nice to us right now. AI is being super nice and doing neat things. When we fight it, it'll start being awful. It isn't knocking, it's entering.

[Brady Bogan]

Here's a couple of true celebrity fun facts that sound fake. Dolly Parton once lost a Dolly Parton lookalike contest to a bunch of drag queens.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Wow.

[Brady Bogan]

She said I got the least applause when she went out there.

[John Holberg]

She's short. She didn't stand out like those gargantuan drag queens.

[Brady Bogan]

Robin Williams really wanted to play Hagrid in the Harry Potter movies, but they had an unofficial policy of only hiring Brits.

[John Holberg]

Ah, Is that illegal?

[Brady Bogan]

That's why they say it's unofficial.

[John Holberg]

Well, that's the point of probably me.

[Brady Bogan]

This one. Estelle Getty played Bea Arthur's mother and the Golden Girls, but B was a year older than her in real life.

[John Holberg]

Still, Getty, I think, was the second youngest one. I think Rue McClanahan was the youngest, and Estelle was behind Betty White and Bea Arthur. Little Golden Girls trivia for you here in 2026.

[Brady Bogan]

Whitney Houston was cast as Sandra.

[DJ Easy Dick]

No, I thought he was gonna say.

[Brady Bogan]

The Little Mermaid, the oldest daughter on the Cosby Show.

[John Holberg]

Sorry. I was really proud of that, you.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Know, considering the end.

[Brady Bogan]

But she decided to pursue music instead.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, she was gonna be on the Cosby. Good thing Bill would have gotten that one. There's no way he'd have left that alone.

[Brady Bogan]

And ladies, if you didn't have a good Valentine's weekend, don't worry, because Tuesday, the Shamrock Shake rolls out from McDonald's.

[John Holberg]

Nothing a fine romantic lady pigs need likes more than on the 17th of February to go hammer down some green ice cream movies are you going to do. You are a Shamrock Shake guy.

[Brady Bogan]

You know when it rolled out? When I. I did it last year, I think I didn't get one.

[John Holberg]

You say rolled out? Like we're Introducing a new king. Well, it rolled out when it was.

[Brady Bogan]

It was hibernating for a while.

[John Holberg]

I know. And it's like the McRib. It comes back, it rolls out.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah, yeah.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Brady makes it like he's doing a rap video.

[John Holberg]

Roll out.

[Brett Vesely]

Are they mint?

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

Okay. I've never. I never had one.

[John Holberg]

Do you like them?

[Brady Bogan]

I'll get one this time.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Maybe again. What do you mean? This.

[Brady Bogan]

I didn't.

[DJ Easy Dick]

You didn't get one?

[Brady Bogan]

I didn't when the season was happening last year.

[John Holberg]

You know, the seasons are not Shamrock Shake mc. No, they're not. There's.

[Brady Bogan]

You gotta fish your calendar.

[John Holberg]

No, there's winter and there's spring. There's not shamrock and ice cold and raisin canes. Those aren't seasons.

[Brady Bogan]

There's some movies out this weekend. Like Wuthering Heights, Crime 101. That looks good.

[John Holberg]

The Crime 101 movie. I think so, too.

[Brett Vesely]

I'm almost tempted to go to the theaters.

[John Holberg]

Here's the thing. The trailer is so intriguing because I really don't know what it is.

[Brett Vesely]

Right.

[John Holberg]

He just hangs around the 101.

[Brady Bogan]

He pulls off a string of heists along the 101 freeway in LA before teaming up with Halle Berry.

[John Holberg]

Yeah.

[Brady Bogan]

For a big score. Mark Ruffalo's the Detective closing in on them. And the rest of the cast includes Corey Hawkins, Monica barbaro.

[John Holberg]

Because the 101 just runs through Burbank and.

[Brady Bogan]

And Nick Nolte.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Oh, Nick's back.

[John Holberg]

It just kind of runs through the. Like the entertainment spot up in the northern part of the.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Right. Before you get into the.

[John Holberg]

Well, you get deep in the valley.

[DJ Easy Dick]

But it's got this. It's.

[John Holberg]

It's an interesting idea. Because it's such a weirdly specific spot of Los Angeles, you might want to.

[Brady Bogan]

Check out Cold Storage. It's Liam Neeson's film.

[DJ Easy Dick]

I work in a freezer, Brad. Really? Yes. I work in cold storage. And you bring your sides of beef to me and I charge you a reasonable rate to how's your meat? Which you should be doing this weekend. In your mouth. Ladies. Happy Valentine's Day. How's the meat?

[John Holberg]

That's a great band name.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Maybe the best.

[John Holberg]

House your meat. Oh, how not. It's because it sounds like you're saying, how's your meat? House your meat.

[David Attell]

Great.

[John Holberg]

On a marquee. I can see it. Corey started a band this weekend. Thriller will be in that. He's gonna poorly play drums.

[Brady Bogan]

If you committed to a Valentine's date and you want to keep in the friend Zone. Here's a then why a couple of songs?

[DJ Easy Dick]

What are you doing?

[Brady Bogan]

You can play to make sure your date gets a message. First one will be, you've got a friend. Carole King. Friends. The Beach Boys. You've got a friend of me. Randy Newman.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. Friend. Songs for Valentine's 70 year old. What's wrong with you?

[DJ Easy Dick]

You.

[Brady Bogan]

Well, you thought it was gonna be a good idea. Then when you're into the date, you're like, ooh, this isn't working. This is a gentle let, you know, let him down.

[John Holberg]

I don't need a song to let me know we're gonna be friends. Because guess what? We're not. If that's what friends are for, if.

[Brett Vesely]

I ain't getting it, I'm out.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, if it's the first date.

[Brady Bogan]

If you're having to make the playlist.

[John Holberg]

I just want to be friends with you.

[Brady Bogan]

It's a backup.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Think of that.

[John Holberg]

I just want to talk to you about other guys. Oh, yeah, no, that sounds awesome. Get out of the car. Yeah. You got a friend in me.

[DJ Easy Dick]

What are you doing?

[John Holberg]

I just wanted to subtly let you know through Randy Newman. Rolling it out.

[Brady Bogan]

Hey, I had a good time.

[John Holberg]

You got a friend.

[Brett Vesely]

Didn't he pull over and kick her out? I got time to hit the bar and find another one.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

I don't. I can't imagine. Well, yeah, this isn't going so great. I'm gonna play a song. Let's get back in the. Finally we can. I can talk to a new person about.

[Brady Bogan]

Out.

[John Holberg]

What are you doing.

[Brady Bogan]

Brett?

[DJ Easy Dick]

On the.

[John Holberg]

When the world look love in your mouth. You got a friend in me thanks. Are you gonna blow me, friend, or what's going on here? I'm gonna play that for you, Corey.

[Brett Vesely]

There you go.

[David Attell]

Hi.

[John Holberg]

I just want to talk to you about our day. You got a friend in me. What? You got a friend in me? You imagine that you're half hard and she puts this on and you're driving her home. We're not making it all the way to the door. You know that, right? You've seen that 101 movie because you're about to meet him. I'm dropping you off on the freeway. Got a thing in me God.

[Brett Vesely]

Now I know where Brad Perry gets his inspiration from.

[John Holberg]

Randy Newman. Don't you dare. Randy Newman is a genius. Brad Perry is a mora.

[Brady Bogan]

No, unfortunately, I thought of that exact.

[John Holberg]

See?

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

You got him. No, he's ripping him off. Yep. You guys don't know what you're talking about. Randy Newman's a Genius.

[Brady Bogan]

You're right.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. Don't you get upset. You know who wrote the theme song to the Natural for the Home Run? Randy Newman.

[Brett Vesely]

He wasn't singing anything.

[Brady Bogan]

Exactly.

[John Holberg]

That's what a genius is now. He talked people into letting them sing. That sounds like me. Oh, such a great. Stop it, Rainier. It's brilliant. Terrible. Academy Award winner from that song. Toy Story Legend. And you'd like a few of his other songs because I'll play them for.

[DJ Easy Dick]

You after the show.

[John Holberg]

You're gonna laugh.

[Brett Vesely]

Well, short people.

[John Holberg]

Well, short people's fantastic. But it gets weirder.

[Brady Bogan]

Great White singer Brett Carlisle auditioned for American Idol, made it to the next round.

[John Holberg]

Great white singer Jack Russell. No, the other.

[Brett Vesely]

The other party. Yeah.

[John Holberg]

Oh, it's not a thing.

[Brady Bogan]

Well, people are like, I don't know how fair this is.

[Brett Vesely]

Is.

[Brady Bogan]

Well, the guy's not.

[John Holberg]

He's not. He's not good at it. It's like anybody singing in a bar band.

[Brady Bogan]

Come on.

[DJ Easy Dick]

He was.

[John Holberg]

No, it is. I found Brandy Newman's other song.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

This is Guy. He's right. That's the same thing.

[Brady Bogan]

It's a ripoff. It's a bad rip.

[John Holberg]

This is Louis Armstrong with head trauma.

[DJ Easy Dick]

I'll try it with my nose.

[John Holberg]

There you go. Exactly the same breath is with Prince. Randy Newman would have made that song good. Please.

[Brady Bogan]

You could end your date sooner.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah?

[John Holberg]

Which one?

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

We're so late. I don't think we're gonna have time for the squares. But we'll have you. I don't know.

[DJ Easy Dick]

It's.

[John Holberg]

This is your fault.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Brady. Stop it.

[John Holberg]

You've got a friend in me. Why would you do that to somebody?

[DJ Easy Dick]

Body.

[Brett Vesely]

We could bring this 1230 guy back.

[John Holberg]

Just never. Yeah, we could. Yeah, well, you know what? We might do that for the Squares. There goes your Entertainment drill. It's 98.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Hey, it's not weird.

[David Attell]

It's pretty cool, actually.

[John Holberg]

No membership fees.

[DJ Easy Dick]

I have heard enough of this. Morning sickness.

[John Holberg]

You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself. All right. We are so late. It is just now not even fair to continue. Cory, we're not gonna be able to get a Squares in for you. It happens. Sometimes it does.

[DJ Easy Dick]

We're gonna give away some Nine Inch Nails tickets.

[Brett Vesely]

Oh, yeah.

[John Holberg]

Oh, yeah. Dj Easy Dick. Come on back in. Get him in here for that.

[DJ Easy Dick]

All right, it's back up. How you' all doing? DJ? DJ. Easy day. I'm losing my own mind. I don't know where Corey, it's nice to see you.

[John Holberg]

Good to see you.

[DJ Easy Dick]

How you Doing, man. I know who it is, Brady. I take a man by his name. I know. Yeah, he. Please. Thank you. Thank you, Cory, for standing up to me. And when I say standing up to me, I mean leaning against the. I was in the middle of a joke, God damn it. When I say standing up, I mean, of course, leaning against the structure and making sure you don't fall. That would have been. Was you to shut up. Yeah. Now, here we go. Corey, what's your. What you doing for Valentine's Day?

[John Holberg]

I'm going solo this year. Like, nothing planned.

[DJ Easy Dick]

What did you do last year?

[John Holberg]

Solo last year as well.

[DJ Easy Dick]

What about the year before that, Cory?

[John Holberg]

Just movie day. Nothing special.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Special movie day two years ago. What happened with her?

[John Holberg]

It didn't really pan out.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Did she pass away? No. Okay. Most women with terminal illnesses, too. So she's still alive?

[John Holberg]

Yeah.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Does she haunt you at night? No. Do you want anything to do with her? Not really. Is she legally allowed to mingle amongst the crowd?

[Brady Bogan]

Yes. Normal.

[DJ Easy Dick]

When you were out on the date with her? Yeah. Did the government helper that assigned to her try to stop you from touching her boobies?

[Brady Bogan]

Just another one that got away.

[DJ Easy Dick]

That's right. Did you drive or did the government dial? Ride. Drive.

[Brady Bogan]

No, I drove.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Were you a gentleman and you put her back in the chair when everything was over? Was she a gentleman and put you back in the chair when everything was over?

[John Holberg]

No, it was very normal.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Did you take her out for a nice walk that took way too long and then some field goal attempts.

[John Holberg]

Super simple.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Dinner in a movie.

[Brady Bogan]

The Ramp. Champ.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Where did you take her? What? Dinner?

[John Holberg]

Well, it was initially supposed to be more casual, so it was like. I think Olive Garden is what we did.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Oh, the Olive Garden.

[John Holberg]

Nothing fancy.

[DJ Easy Dick]

The tour of Italy. Nothing fancy at all. I wonder why you didn't get a second Valentine's Day.

[Brady Bogan]

Oh, no.

[John Holberg]

It's like we both, like, oh, this might work. And we both realized halfway through, like, no, there's nothing here.

[DJ Easy Dick]

How many breadsticks did this, piggy? Too many, I think.

[John Holberg]

Four.

[DJ Easy Dick]

She had four breadsticks on a first date?

[Brady Bogan]

One bite each.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Did she. Did she swallow them whole?

[John Holberg]

No, she's not a pelican.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Well, she would have been a better date if she was. You need to get yourself a pelican.

[Brady Bogan]

Ghost signal.

[DJ Easy Dick]

If you had a date right now, where would you take this lovely lady?

[John Holberg]

Probably, you know, fill it out with some arrogant butcher. Probably.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Oh, an arrogant butcher night.

[John Holberg]

Yeah.

[DJ Easy Dick]

That sounds very nice.

[John Holberg]

And then we'll see how it feels from there.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah. We would walk her over to the car. Yeah. Do you. Do you open the door for your date, or does it take too long after you close it to get all the way over to the driver's house?

[John Holberg]

They usually get tired of waiting halfway through.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Corey actually had a date in the summertime last year. Opened a door for his date, shut the door, and by the time he finally got to the driver's seat, she had died. Cooked her inside the car.

[John Holberg]

Oh, no.

[Brady Bogan]

Man, that was rough.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Oh, it was rough, Brady. It was rough getting the smell out of that car. You can't do it. You just got to get the body out and hope for the best. Started the date, and the sun was up. By the time Cory got in the car, it was tomorrow. We missed it. We missed Fourth of July. We missed the fireworks and everything. You wandered around the car for half an hour. Well, Corey, I think that's nice. Are you going to masturbate to anything special for Valentine's Day this year?

[John Holberg]

We'll see what comes up.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yes, we will. That sounds nice. Well, I think we can take a couple calls if we want. If you'd like to grab one and talk to DJ Ezydick on the phone real quick about your Valentine specials. And Cory will join us.

[John Holberg]

Hi there.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Who's this? Josh. Josh, are you. Would you like to talk to us about your valentine special with a woman named Sema Bacon? Because that is what you. You have Seema Bacon as your id on the phone, that is.

[Caller]

I will be taking her to Fogo to Chow so we can start off.

[DJ Easy Dick]

With a lot of meat in her mouth. Oh, you're going to take her to Fogo to Chow so she can green light putting things in her mouth. I like that. Very smart.

[John Holberg]

You're going for a buffet then.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah, you got to take a girl to a buffet and get her belly full so you can hear that moving around when you're pumping her from behind. Nothing better than hearing a woman.

[Caller]

We've been together 25 years yet.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Oh, yeah, you don't want to have sex with that. That's disgusting. Good Christ. Yeah, just shove someone else's meat in her mouth. That's good. Move. Fogo de Chow. You handle the meat in the mouth. Nothing better than a woman's belly full of wine and meat sloshing about. Lay on top of her. Try to ignore the tears.

[Brady Bogan]

Was that her request?

[Caller]

Yes, absolutely.

[DJ Easy Dick]

She wanted to go to Fogo de Chao.

[Caller]

She wants the meat.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah, she wanted meat. She wanted lots of it. Copious amounts of Brazilian meat. Yes, that's a good thing for this. All right, well, you take her over there and how many times do you. What is your limit before you know something? Sex is not a thing.

[John Holberg]

Three, four trips from the guy cutting all the meat.

[Brady Bogan]

That flag never goes down.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Plus four, it's $75. And she gets the salad bar as well. Is she even gonna f with that or is she just gonna ignore that disgusting greenery?

[Caller]

Hopefully she walks by.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah, hopefully she gets right past that. That's disgusting. That's disgusting. When's the last time you had sex with this woman that you've been with for a quarter of a century? And when you put it that way, it makes a vagina, like, turn gray immediately.

[John Holberg]

About three days ago.

[Brady Bogan]

Nice.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Three days ago you had sex with this elderly beast.

[John Holberg]

This is true. Was she aware of this? Is she in the car with you.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Or can she hear you?

[Brady Bogan]

She's gonna.

[Caller]

No, she can't.

[DJ Easy Dick]

What is her name?

[Caller]

You nailed it with the beginning.

[John Holberg]

Seema.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Oh, that's right. It's Seema. Is her name really Seema Bacon?

[John Holberg]

That is true.

[Brady Bogan]

That is amazing.

[Caller]

Indiana and a Caucasian together, and that's what you get.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Sema Bacon.

[John Holberg]

And get a what with a Caucasian Indian? With a Caucasian Indian, they name an.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Indian, and a Caucasian will name their child Seema Bacon. And when's the last time she actually saw your bacon?

[John Holberg]

When's the last time you saw your bacon?

[DJ Easy Dick]

I'm imagining you've got quite a belly.

[Caller]

It's been some time.

[DJ Easy Dick]

It's been a while since you can look down and see your bacon.

[John Holberg]

Isn't that right? Every 30 pounds gets you an extra inch, by the way.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Is that true?

[John Holberg]

Yes.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Takes away an extra inch.

[John Holberg]

Lose their own 40, and you gain an inch back.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Is that right?

[John Holberg]

Yes.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Well, that's some really good information. Thank you, Corey Brady. You can have a 40 inch date by the end of the year. That's pretty impressive. All right, well, it's nice Talking to you, Mr. Bacon. Where did you meet this. This young squad?

[John Holberg]

You know, we met many years ago.

[Caller]

At trails department stores.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Oh, the department store. Was she working? Was she working? Or were you guys just. Was she sleeping out front? You know, we.

[Caller]

We were both working, going to college at the same time.

[DJ Easy Dick]

No kidding. And then you impregnated her. Yep. Yep, that's exactly what happened. That's what most people do with a Caucasian Indian.

[David Attell]

Absolutely.

[John Holberg]

Twice.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Do you ever role play every once in a while and just steal her from her bedroom and move her somewhere else?

[Brady Bogan]

Okay.

[DJ Easy Dick]

That's fun, isn't it? That's a fun Indian game to play. Play? Just put Budweiser in the kitchen. She'll find it yourself. You won't get blamed.

[Caller]

She never knows what blanket to use.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah, I was going to say, does she trust you when it's cold? Does she trust you in your Caucasian blankets? All right, well, it's nice to talk to you, Bacon. F. And big plans for the weekend, of course, to mount this elderly woman and then take her to Fogo and fill her belly with meat. That's beautiful. Happy Valentine's Day, Mr. Bacon. Thank you, sir. All right. There you go, D.J. easy, Dick. Make it love to the city this morning. I guess. 12:30.

[John Holberg]

He had a plan, man.

[DJ Easy Dick]

He was set. And that's a smart plan to take.

[Brady Bogan]

Surrounded by gauchos serving meat.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Gaucho's cutting meat and shoving it into his wife so he doesn't have to.

[Brett Vesely]

About 25 years.

[DJ Easy Dick]

That's too long. Nobody wants to see a vagina. Age for 25 years. That's like. Speaking of meat, you put that outside for 25 years and see what you think of it when it's done.

[John Holberg]

At what point is it dry?

[DJ Easy Dick]

Age. Vagina's not like a Twinkie. They don't last forever. Something starts happening to them, and then 25 years later, you're like, I remember her. She's still alive. Anyway, no plans for you, Brady. You're sick. So you're not gonna do anything?

[Brady Bogan]

Just a little gift form.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Oh, that's very sweet. Can we ask what you got?

[John Holberg]

Yeah, what you get?

[DJ Easy Dick]

Well, I'll formally do it then. What did you get her?

[Brady Bogan]

I got her some graders. Ice cream?

[DJ Easy Dick]

No, that's for you, Brady. What are you dressed like a. Like a woman in the mirror handing yourself a present? You dress up as your own Valentine's and get her ice cream. You got us some ice cream. That sounds nice.

[Brady Bogan]

Airdrop tonight.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Today you can air drop ice cream.

[Brady Bogan]

Well, they're standing it over just today. Fly it a. Over.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Oh, I thought you meant through the phone. Air drops of my. Oh, all right. God damn it. Welcome to Kiss 1230. Cranston, how are you?

[Caller]

I am living the dream.

[DJ Easy Dick]

That's right, Cron. Tell me how your Valentine's weekend is going to map out.

[Caller]

I have a great event planned, D.J.

[John Holberg]

Easy day.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Okay, go ahead, tell me about it. Mr. Market.

[Caller]

I. I'm gonna take my girl out on a sunset cruise on the Dolly steamboat.

[John Holberg]

All right, all right. Are you gonna throw overboard? That's no one will ever look. No ever, ever, ever.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Take the time to look at that because no one's gonna do that trip twice. Even investigators. By chance, is your. Is your girlfriend's name Ms. Guthrie?

[Caller]

Absolutely.

[DJ Easy Dick]

I just want to make sure if.

[John Holberg]

Nancy Guthrie's got a Darren age.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah.

[Caller]

So it's time to vander there in age.

[John Holberg]

So I figured I got to get me a new one.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah, that's smart. That's smart. That's exactly what Seema Bacon should be thinking about after 25 years. All right, so you're. Are you gonna. Then you're gonna come back alone? That's always the best way to leave the Dolly Steamboat. You go in as a twosome, you come back single. Smart move.

[John Holberg]

Absolutely.

[DJ Easy Dick]

All right. Cool. You have yourself a wonderful Valentine's Day, Cranston. We're very happy with you.

[Caller]

You two DJs?

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah. There you go. There's cr. I went to high school with grits. Hey, they said what? That's not my music. Now, come on. Oh, we all don't.

[John Holberg]

I'm gonna go.

[DJ Easy Dick]

That's enough of that.

[John Holberg]

Oh, you want more of that?

[DJ Easy Dick]

Well, yeah. Oh, even the white men are begging for more. Never mind.

[John Holberg]

You give very good advice.

[DJ Easy Dick]

I think you're right. There's one of my brothers named Andre. Okay, can we prostitute Thriller for the weekend? Yes, we can. For easy, easy fee. Give me a a k Momo gift card and some raisin canes and you're gonna have yourself a weekend with Thriller on me.

[John Holberg]

Wait, I don't want you.

[DJ Easy Dick]

No, you can be right on top of me. I'll cuck from underneath. All right, that's it. Take you to the job fair from 2 to 2 to 5 tomorrow with Haywood Nelson from what's Happening.

[David Attell]

Hey, Raj.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Hey, Raj. Hey. Hey. Hey. Also, we're gonna have my Valentine's Day super special for couples as we do a that much mama of Marathon over at the Hawkins Theaters. Actually, it's not a Hawkins theater. It's Magic Johnson Theaters. Nobody even knows about it, but we got one.

[John Holberg]

All right, I'm gonna go now.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Throw the Happy Valentine's.

[John Holberg]

Happy Valentine's Day to you.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Good luck to you. And you. What's your mother gonna do this? Is she gonna. Is your father gonna spelunk?

[John Holberg]

Probably, if I had to guess.

[DJ Easy Dick]

That's what I'm thinking.

[John Holberg]

But they've never said anything like huge. Probably have like a nice dinner or whatever.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Well, they better have huge plans, cuz you fell out of a tumbling machine. I was like coming out of a dryer. So I know there's going to need to be huges.

[John Holberg]

You have no concept.

[Brady Bogan]

But time.

[John Holberg]

Time. No, I'm very late all the time.

[DJ Easy Dick]

It's okay. Being late is okay? Yeah, yeah. She's in a rock tumbler. He better be here. Well, I hope your parents don't procreate again.

[John Holberg]

No, no, cuz four months from now you'll have a brother. A long time ago.

[DJ Easy Dick]

It looks good.

[Brady Bogan]

He's finally polished.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Yeah, the gestation period of Cory's mother is about six months. It's a little bit less than a baseball season. Well, I know exactly what happened.

[John Holberg]

All right, bye everybody.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Now he's done.

[John Holberg]

Happy Valentine's Day, everybody.

[DJ Easy Dick]

That's enough. We're done.

[John Holberg]

David Tell was here. Valentine's, Brady was here.

[DJ Easy Dick]

Brett, Corey, me, Toledo, Tor here.

[John Holberg]

We're done. You guys have yourselves a go to. And the 10 o' clock words coming up is electronic. That's Larry's first word for 10 o' clock for the suite that feeds. Good luck with that. Have a great Valentine's Day. If we don't catch a Monday for President Day, we'll see you Tuesday right here in the morning. Sickness solo.

[DJ Easy Dick]

It's not weird.

[David Attell]

It's pretty cool, actually.

[John Holberg]

No membership fee.

[DJ Easy Dick]

I have heard enough of this.