02-16-26 - Is John's Sister Trying To Kill His Uncle Dennis w/Some Janky Chinese Light Therapy - BO

Summary

Podcast Summary: Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona

Episode: 02-16-26 – Is John's Sister Trying To Kill His Uncle Dennis w/Some Janky Chinese Light Therapy – BO
Air Date: February 16, 2026
Host(s): John Holmberg, Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo
Primary Segment: [01:08–13:58]

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Overview:

This episode zeroes in on a riotous and darkly comedic story from John Holmberg about his concerns that his sister’s unorthodox health practices—dubiously rooted in “janky” Chinese light therapy and folk remedies—may be endangering the family's Uncles. With a mix of family history, skepticism toward alternative medicine, and over-the-top humor, Holmberg details his ongoing struggle to protect “Drunkle Dennis” from his sister’s “witch doctor” ways, recounting a previous uncle’s demise under similar circumstances.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Background: Family Dynamics & Uncle Dennis’ Medical Battle

• John shares his close bond with Uncle Dennis (“Drunkle Dennis”), only about a decade apart in age, and their history of drinking and family fun.
• Dennis is currently staying at John's sister's house after recent cancer treatments and unfavorable test results.
• John frames his sister as the family’s “fake doctor,” who applies questionable Eastern medicine without qualifications.
• Concern: John worries Dennis will fall victim to the same “alternative healing” that (he claims) led to their Uncle Bob's death years before.

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2. The Uncle Bob Incident & the Dangers of Unqualified "Healers"

• Recounting a Cautionary Tale (03:41–05:11):
  • Uncle Bob complained of leg pain (later understood as a sign of deep vein thrombosis—DVT).
  • John, inspired by a recent news special, advises medical attention.
  • His sister dismisses this and performs a calf massage, despite having no proper training.
  • Bob dies within a week; John pins the blame on this misguided intervention:
    • “She rubs Bob's calves, which is the worst thing you can do to, you know, blood clots… She loosened up those clots and killed him.” (04:45)
  • John’s dark punchline:
    • “My sister’s also a murderer, second degree. I'm not gonna go crazy like she planned it, but it was. It was a murder. Involuntary manslaughter. I'll call it at the best. If I were on the jury.” (02:04)

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3. The “Chinese Light” Debacle: Pseudoscience and Family Risk

• The “Healing Lamp” Story (06:40–09:20):
  • John’s sister prescribes a “Chinese healing light” (essentially a heat lamp) for back pain and, now, Dennis’s cancer.
  • John’s skepticism is vindicated by a real doctor who warns:
    • “That light swelled up your discs in your back... The worst thing you could have done is put heat on this… I'm listening to Wind Chime University's number 10 graduate, and the doctor who's the number one doctor for the military for backs, is telling me that it's...” (06:56–07:12)
  • He warns Dennis, “She's killed uncles before and she's going to kill again… So I don't know if I should call the police now or if I have to wait for my witchcraft sister to kill another uncle.” (07:08–07:25)

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4. Mockery of Alternative Therapies and Their Promoters

• Riffing on Quackery & Family Eccentricity (08:31–10:20):
  • John lampoons his sister’s health fads: healing tones, turmeric, and her belief in dietary contamination (tossing a pizza to avoid “pesticides”).
  • “You can keep your fries or chicken fingers warm under this Chinese heat lamp. I think that's what it was for. And then lunatics who went to three months of massage school started to believe that they are touched by some Chinese God and that these lamps suddenly have healing powers.” (08:44–09:00)
  • Highlights the dangers of being swayed by pseudo-expertise and warns listeners not to trust anyone’s “special lamp” over actual medical care.

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5. Running Gag: The Shrinking Husband

• John alleges his sister’s health practices have even physically shrunk her own husband:
  • “My sister's husband has shrunk, like, 7 inches since they've known each other. That's the truth. I don't know what she's doing, but she's shrinking.” (05:49)
  • “He got sick living with her, and he shrunk.” (11:35)
  • Quips escalate to the point of absurdity, parodying the perils of living in a “health house.”

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6. Family Warnings & Broader Reflections

• John offers his advice, both sincere and satirical:
  • “If you've got a crazy family member, by all means, start calling them crazy. It's too important. You could lose an uncle.” (11:49)
  • “I've lost one and maybe two. She kills again. She kills uncles. She's an uncle killer. She is an uncle sad, but that's what I live with every day.” (11:53)
• Jokes about documenting the “Uncle Killer” saga for a potential TV special, and appeals directly to Uncle Dennis to get out while he can:
  • “For God's sakes, run to the light, but not the hot one.” (13:56)

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Notable Quotes and Memorable Moments

• On Pseudoscience vs. Medicine:
  • “I'm listening to Wind Chime University's number 10 graduate, and the doctor who's the number one doctor for the military for backs, is telling me that it's…” (07:12, John Holmberg)
• On Family Eccentricity:
  • “Every family's got a nut bag… someone who's been to Europe once and then starts saying… they're European. Why can't we just be happy to be American and have Western medicine… It's worked for a while.” (10:55, John Holmberg)
• On Encroaching Danger:
  • “It's where uncles go to die. I love you, Uncle Dennis, but gotta get you out of there.” (13:36, John Holmberg)
• Dark Humor Punchline:
  • “Now, this makes the documentary better when… the Uncle Killer strikes again and the doctors are like, who cooked your cancer?” (12:30, John Holmberg)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• [01:08–03:38] — John introduces Uncle Dennis, family dynamics, and the start of his concerns
• [03:38–06:40] — The history and lessons from Uncle Bob’s death (DVT, calf rubbing)
• [06:40–09:20] — The Chinese “healing lamp” and the perils of bad advice
• [09:20–10:20] — Lampooning home remedies, pizza as poison, and “shrinking” relatives
• [10:20–13:58] — Recap, reflection on family wildcards, direct pleas to Uncle Dennis

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Tone & Style

The segment is darkly hilarious, irreverent, and packed with sarcastic asides. John’s deadpan delivery and the rapid-fire banter with the crew amplify both the absurdity and emotional stakes. The show lampoons alternative therapies while genuinely cautioning about the dangers of unqualified “healing.”

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Summary:
This episode of Holmberg’s Morning Sickness delivers a side-splitting, cautionary tale of family, quack medicine, and the absurd lengths well-meaning relatives can go. John’s blend of concern, gallows humor, and scathing skepticism turns a family crisis into an unforgettable, laugh-out-loud segment—one that entertains even as it underlines the real hazards of ignoring legitimate doctors for “healing lamps,” magic potions, and “Wind Chime University” credentials.

Transcript

[Brett Vesely]

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[Dick Toledo]

The rest of homework's morning sickness. This is the big red radio. I got a problem brewing. I gotta sleeping. I gotta talk about this. I feel a little minority report about it. So I had lunch with my uncle yesterday and drunkle Dennis, I call him, because Dennis and I used to get drunk. He's the youngest of my mom's side. And so Dennis and I are only like 10 years apart. Like he was. My mom was like 13 when he was born and then so she had me when she was 22. So Dennis and I aren't that far apart. So we. He'd come out here when I turned 21. Dennis was 30 and I was the most fun person he knew here because he didn't know anybody. So we got. We drank a lot and Dennis was. He's a blast. So Dennis has run into recently had some medical issues and you know, a few like, you know, same thing as you. We went into just basic thing and got a couple of unfavorable ultrasounds where there's some bumps and found a little tumor. Turned out to be One of the bad boys, they went to remove it and another doctor came in and said, we got a few of them, like, in spots. So he's going through a lot. He's doing well, he's healthy. So he's staying at my sister's coven house. And so I warned him. I said, look, she's not a doctor and she killed my Uncle Bob. Nobody talks about that in the family. My sister's also a murderer, second degree. I'm not gonna go crazy like she planned it, but it was. It was a murder. Involuntary manslaughter. I'll call it at the best. If I were on the jury. Involuntary manslaughter. She's going it. And just to recap my. And. And DVT is the. Like. Victor Wembanyama is the center for the Spurs. Seven feet, seven inch, gigantic Superman, averaging 24 points, 11 boards a game. He's the second year. He's not even figured out the game yet. He's already starting to dominate. Found a blood clot in his shoulder. And it's dvt. It is a very serious. And everybody out there, that's a serious one. You don't have to get your anus examined. You know, if your legs hurt, you sit down a lot and you've got a little weight problem or you're super tall, you're susceptible to deep vein thrombosis. So my uncle was complaining on Christmas years ago, my Uncle Bob, that his thighs hurt. And my sister thinks she's a doctor, but she's not. She's just read a couple books about Chinese guys. That's true. And occasionally she has a pot that she rings the outside of and then hangs some cheap silk she bought at Marshalls with Chinese writing that probably says Coca Cola, but she says it says Health Masters, Tumeric something. I don't know.

[Byron from MMP Guns]

And the hone. The healing tones, is that what.

[Dick Toledo]

I don't know what the hell she's doing. It's all crazy witchcraft nonsense, fortune cookie stuff. So Uncle Bob tells me his legs hurt. And I had just seen a special at the time about an NBC News reporter that was sitting in helicopters all day, eight, nine hours at a time, and his legs started to ache and is talking to his wife. And he said, my legs hurt so bad. It's just all this. All this. I'm just. I'm not in great shape, but I'm not in bad shape, but my legs are. I'm sitting down in these really uncomfortable, weird situations. I just don't feel. His DVT breaks Clots break, you drown in your own blood. So my Uncle Bob's complaining about that. I tell him, like, I just saw a special about that. You sit down all day at work and you just get up. Like, be careful, but, like, you got to go get that checked. And then start moving around, get your blood flow going. I'm not a doctor. I'm not telling you what to do. But I just watched a special. Go ask about dvt. It's evidently not a lot of men don't know about this, and it's. It's big time in men. So my fake not Chinese Eastern medicine sister says, I can fix that. I'm like, oh, no, no, no, no, no. She went to, like, Wind Chime University for five months. She's not a doctor. She's a massage therapist. That's. Let's not go crazy. And then she. Her intuition that she knows. So she rubs Bob's calves, which is the worst thing you can do to, you know, blood clots. This is in Thanksgiving, I believe it was December 7th. Bob blew up. He died. She loosened up those clocks and killed him. Like, he wasn't. Didn't have a chance to go there. This was one of those late Thanksgivings. That was like the 29th. It was like a week later. I says, uncle Bob died. Well, you killed him. Because she called. Like, I did not. I told you not to rub his clots. So here's my Uncle Dennis, who's in town. Now, keep in mind, also, my sister's husband has shrunk, like, 7 inches since they've known each other. That's the truth. I don't know what she's doing, but she's shrinking. I don't know what kind of witchcraft is going on over there. Better watch what you're saying about her. She may. That's why I don't go over there. That's why we don't. I'm not hanging around over there. So she gets out this Chinese light, and she tried this on me years ago with my back. And the doctor that did my back surgery said, have you been heating this? I'm like, yeah, there's this Chinese healing light. He goes, oh, Jesus Christ. He goes, this is. You need surgery right now. There's no turning this around. Like what? He goes, well, that light swelled up your discs in your back, and they're not like, you know, muscle. They swell and they don't retreat. It's a gelatin kind of thing that's in there. The heat's the wor. And he said, who did this? And I said, well, she put me in touch with this chiropractor who told me to buy this Chinese light, a healing light, and I'm looking for anything. And he goes, that's the worst thing you could have done is put heat on this. I'm like, oh, okay. Told her that. She goes, your doctor's crazy. I'm like, what am I doing? I'm listening to Wind Chime University's number 10 graduate, and the doctor who's the number one doctor for the military for backs, is telling me that it's. I'm listening to this guy. So evidently, my uncle, who's got some cancer, she's. She's throwing that Chinese light on him. And I warned him yesterday. I'm like, she's killed uncles before and she's going to kill again. So I don't know if I should call the police now or if I have to wait for my witchcraft sister to kill another uncle. And this one, I. I think the world of. I. I can't imagine this being. It can't happen. And he's just laughing. Uncle Dennis. He'll let him make his Instagram better. Uncle Dennis is laughing like. I'm like, I'm not kidding, man. She's. This is. Stop listening to her. Take it with a grain of salt, but don't get under any Chinese lights. You know what else is a Chinese light? Everything they sell at TJ Maxx. If it's got a light bulb in it, it says made in China. It's the same exact thing. Chinese. He. Chinese healing lights work. Why is there cancer in China?

[Byron from MMP Guns]

Why put that light on there and then top it off with some lead paint, Right?

[Dick Toledo]

Why don't you just drink the lead paint and then read the Coca Cola Chinese thing? So I got. I was worried about him. He's leaving town and I gotta get to him before he goes. I gotta say. I gotta hug him goodbye because he's allowing this witch doctor over there. Dr. Holmberg over there. No, no, no, no doctor. There's a shaman of some sort or like, you know, when you go to, like, the tribe says, he's our medicine man. There's, like no training here. You can't go to a trade school and come out with, you know, read a couple books a Chinese man wrote. I'm worried about my uncle. She's over there just pouring tumeric down. Oh, and then here's a crime. Evidently, they bought a pizza because he was starving. He got a pizza, and they didn't eat the whole pizza. They put the box in the fridge, and my sister threw it away. It's filled with pesticides and things we don't need, and it's gonna contaminate my refrigerator. He's like, I wanted to kill her. I'm like, you know what? It wouldn't have been a bad idea, because it's either her or you. You gotta get on this. So Uncle Dennis, when I was a kid, was known as Den. Den. Now Drunkle Dennis.

[Byron from MMP Guns]

So there's Roundup and Pizza.

[Dick Toledo]

I didn't know that. You know what? We're fine. They're gonna make it. Let Brady be your guide. He's never once sat under a cheap hot lamp. It's the same thing you make chicken stance on at Rawhide, only it's turned over and it's on top. It's a heat lamp. Yeah. You can keep your fries or chicken fingers warm under this Chinese heat lamp. I think that's what it was for. And then lunatics who went to three months of massage school started to believe that they are touched by some Chinese God and that these lamps suddenly have healing powers. They're not red light. They're not, like, scientifically proven to have some beneficial. It's just a lamp with coils in it that gets so ungodly hot. And I said, your tumors are going to swell up and then start growing. I love you, Dennis. I don't need your tumors to grow. Because Chinese lamps use it to heat.

[Byron from MMP Guns]

Your patio in the winter and watch tv.

[Dick Toledo]

That is exactly what it is. If it's on, it's like a big Pixar.

[Byron from MMP Guns]

I forgot what to call it. Not the radiant heat.

[Dick Toledo]

I don't know. They're great. It's a. This thing isn't. This is not the one that, like, is safe.

[Valley Chevy Announcer]

It's.

[Dick Toledo]

It's like it's concentrated, right? It's coils. Yeah, it's the Pixar lamp with fire in it. And then she, her, and this idiot that tried to kill me once with that dumb lamp, and he was jumping on my back. You need to crack it. And he's jumping on my back. This is what they do in Asia. And I'm like, you're 300 pounds. There's no such guy in Asia like you. There I was, trying to get answers, and she tried to kill me, too. But I escaped. I escaped. My captor, my poor uncle's over there under some heat lamp that raising canes wouldn't use because it would burn the chicken. And I'm worried about him. I'm thinking Maybe we should get a wellness check over at that house. Should send Ben over there. You know what? You know what, Detective Ben? I need you to roll over real quick and just knock on the door. Yeah, I'm getting some complaints about the heat in this house, and people can smell some tumors cooking. Oh, I was so worried about him. You know, he's laughing. He's like, ah, it's harmless. And I'm like, I don't know. I wouldn't go messing around with this. You're dead. He's home. Remedies from that lunatic. And that's. Every family's got a nut bag. Every family's got somebody who's, you know, thinks that they know about Eastern medicine. Every family's got someone who's been to Europe once and then starts saying things like, they're European. Why can't we just be happy to be American and have Western medicine and, like, load ourselves full of pills and stuff? It's worked for a while. I mean, cancer. You can try whatever you want. He's not terminal. It's not like he's like. He's okay. The medicine's working. I just can't imagine heat lamps are any good. So if you meet her, she says, I've got this fire lamp that'll. It's gonna kill you. She's trying to kill people, and she's shrinking a man. I'm watching a man shrink. I've never. Have you seen John for a while? Her husband?

[Byron from MMP Guns]

No.

[Dick Toledo]

He's six inches shorter than.

[Byron from MMP Guns]

Is that right?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, because the health house that they live in, he got real sick for a while, and then whatever he had.

[Byron from MMP Guns]

You see him from a distance or.

[Dick Toledo]

No, no, no. I stood right next to him, and I was looking down. I'm like, he used to be the same size. She shrunk him. He got sick living with her, and he shrunk. Now, if I was him, I'd try to disappear, too, any way possible. So maybe he's just trying to.

[Byron from MMP Guns]

She just maybe removed his spine.

[Dick Toledo]

Well, no, his. Some of it is gone for sure. Yeah. I don't know what happened. I think his spine just fell out. He's trying to kill him. If you've got a crazy family member, by all means, start calling them crazy. It's too important. You could lose an uncle. I've lost. I've lost one and maybe two. She kills again. She kills uncles. She's an uncle killer. She is an uncle sad, but that's what I live with every day. And Dennis was like, please don't don't tell anybody about this. And I'm like, she's trying to kill you. I want it out there now. Now. This makes the documentary better when that.

[Byron from MMP Guns]

It's out there.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. When the Uncle Killer strikes again and the doctors are like, who cooked your. Who cooked your cancer? So to a crisp. It's like a. The way a woman eats a steak. It's. It's blackened like a hockey puck. He was sitting under a Chinese healing lamp. Oh, Christ, it's the Uncle Killer. Does she have an Instagram page? I don't think so. It'll get that much better. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. You should tell my uncle to start an Instagram page, because all the videos will be good. But this. This little segment here will be in the documentary thing when Keith Morrison says, but one person knew what was going on at the Uncle Killer's house. And he wasn't holding back at all, was he?

[Byron from MMP Guns]

When he died, he was 3 foot, 6 inches.

[Dick Toledo]

He knew his uncle was being shrunk by the Chinese lamps just like her husband, and yet nobody said a thing. They all thought it was adorable. Except one man. He tried to put a stop to it. Or did he? I just tell people, you're an adult. You do what you want. But she's killed uncles before. She's not above doing it. If I was an uncle and I was in that house, I certainly wouldn't be sticking around. It's where uncles go to die. I love you, Uncle Dennis, but gotta get you out of there. I know you're listening. For God's sakes, run to the light, but not the hot one. It's out of control now.

[Comedy Announcer]

All right, HMS Podcast, time again to let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week downtown at Stand Up Live. Get out and see the comedy of Moshe Casher and the up and coming Ari Maddie. Up north at Desert Ridge, you'll Josh Wolfe and SNL's Tommy Brennan and Eastside of the Tempe Improv. Don't miss the very funny Sam J. And more Josh Wolf. For the complete lineups and for tickets, go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com and tempeimprov.com the.

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