02-17-26 - FULL SHOW - TUESDAY - Holmbergs Morning Sickness 98 KUPD

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness – 02-17-26 – Full Show (Tuesday)

Podcast: Holmberg's Morning Sickness (98KUPD – Arizona)

Date: February 17, 2026
Host: John Holmberg
Co-hosts: Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo

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Episode Overview

This episode blends the classic irreverent humor of Holmberg’s Morning Sickness with wildly relatable and outrageous anecdotes, sharp observations about modern society, and a signature blend of sarcasm and self-deprecation. Spanning the humiliations of personal life, the perceived “softness” of modern American kids, odd news, and vibrant calls from listeners, the show rides from explicit embarrassment to musings on survival skills and the absurdities of contemporary living.

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Main Discussion Themes & Key Points

1. Awkward Encounters: “Getting Caught” by Law Enforcement

• Storytime with John: John shares (in embarrassing detail) a story about almost getting caught by a police officer mid-masturbation at home while watching porn.
  • Vivid descriptions about his process, favorite ads ("Are you beating your meat again?"), the search for the “right” video.
  • Panic sets in when he thinks the mailman is at the door, but it’s his cop friend, Ben, peeking in the window.
  • “I’d rather get caught ten times by parents, wives, or friends than a cop in uniform!” (06:18)
  • The show takes this further into a running bit about “peeping policemen” and three-way male camaraderie over masturbation woes and the universal “waistband trick.”
• Notable Quote:
  • John: “All my insecurities are like, oh no, they know. I’m like, hey guys. Once I realized it was him, I’m like, I shouldn’t have come outside. I should have acted like I wasn’t home.” (09:01)
• Recurring Comedy Characters: Jokes about “Rico Blaze” (a fictional porn star) as an alternative to being caught by cops.

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2. Are Modern Kids Too Soft? – Colombian Jungle Survival Story

• Survival Story: The hosts discuss the real-life account of four Colombian kids (aged 13, 9, 4, and 1) surviving 40 days in the jungle after a plane crash.
  • John argues American kids are overprotected and “soft”—contrasting helicopter parenting and modern conveniences with the Colombian kids’ jungle experience.
  • John shares his own story of “panic as a 13-year-old” being left at the mall, comparing it to the resilience of the Colombian children.
  • They riff on the impossibility of American kids making it even overnight outside.
• Cultural Comparison & Satire:
  • “Whites are last! No way a family of white kids would survive more than a day. They’d be ‘parting out the baby by Sunday night,’” John jokes (36:02).
  • Comedy ranking of kids by supposed survival skills, with tongue-in-cheek stereotypes.
  • “Your kids would guzzle the pool; the baby would be dead in a day. It’s the closest thing to Chick-fil-A they’ve got!” (35:40)
• Notable Quotes:
  • John: “Some of you are raising them right. Most of you are raising soft little pricks.” (29:35)
  • “American kids, there’s a bear—‘I’m gonna go hug it!’ Dumb and soft.” (32:45)
• Discussion on Parental Attitudes:
  • The proliferation of “mom lines” at school, inability to leave kids alone, and the phone’s role in making children and parents mutually dependent.
  • “Order me some DoorDash.” “Do you have any money?” “No, you order it.”
• Broader Social Satire: The discussion doubles as social critique and nostalgic self-deprecation.

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3. News, Oddities & “Brady Report” Segments

• Joke News Headlines:
  • Bizarre translation of Native American chief’s name (“Groundhog Sausage” sold Kentucky).
  • Mugshot of the Day: Domestic violence story with awkwardly ironic t-shirt (72:07).
  • Divorce drama: “Harry Ham” writes ex a $974 million check—she says “not enough” (84:38).
  • Listener emails share pranks (like “Baby Jesus Hunting” for nativity scenes) (58:52).
  • The “world’s smallest working gun” (91:40).
• Weird America:
  • Monster Jam interviews with colorful attendees, including a woman explaining incestuous-sounding relationships: “We dated cousins in Rabun County, Georgia. No difference. I thought he’s a cutie pie.” (74:27)
  • Pastor confesses to punching a kid in the chest to “lead him to the Lord” (77:02).

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4. Recurring Segments & Games

• Alec Baldwin’s "Fill In the Blanks" Game: (98:36)
  • Alec Baldwin parody host delivers trivia and fill-in-the-blank questions (quotations from history, movies—often veering dark or off-color).
  • Listener callers compete, famously failing on racy or obscure references.
  • “It’s true. This man has no dick.” (Bill Murray, Ghostbusters, 101:30)
  • Example comedic exchange: “I’m a blank-laying motherf—” (Samuel Jackson quote)—caller responds, “I’m a big black…” Parody Baldwin: “Not acceptable!” (105:14)
• Musical Parodies & Rock News:
  • “Queensrÿche” drama, with two bands dueling over the name and style (143:32).
  • Billy Bob Thornton’s take on “sex during a woman’s monthly visitor,” leading to blood jokes and movie parody titles (149:17).

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5. Culture & Surreal Anecdotes

• College Stories:
  • Brady recounts acting in a mental institution’s production of “Finian’s Rainbow,” paired with patients with criminal or unknown histories.
    • The absurdity of campus life, minimal learning, and more time spent among “nut jobs.”
    • “Why was an innocent 19-year-old kid looking for an insane asylum patient that was missing?...There was nobody really in charge of the facility.” (131:05)
  • Skeet and trap shooting, canoeing—Brady’s “boy scout” college courses.
• Random Musings:
  • Riffing on “reincarnation machine” web apps and the likelihood of having been significant historical figures or random inanimate objects.
  • The impracticality of prepping for societal collapse: “If I even have to sterilize my pool water for 90 days, I don’t want to be part of this society.” (50:19)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [06:53] John: “I’d rather get caught ten times by parents, wives, friends, than a police officer in uniform standing in my window.”
• [36:02] John: “Whites are in last. Maybe the reds (Indigenous) are one and Mexicans are probably second. I’m not putting the blacks too high on this one. I don’t know.”
• [29:35] John: “Most of you are raising soft little pricks.”
• [13:18] Ben (texting John): “Didn’t see anything.” (immediately after the embarrassing incident)
• [70:25] Brady: “The famous Cherokee Indian chief Groundhog Sausage sold what would have been Kentucky for $50,000.”
• [77:02] Pastor: “I walked over to him and I went BAM. I punched him in the chest as hard as I… I crumpled the kid… I led that man to the Lord right there.”
• [91:50] Brady: “The world’s smallest working gun. 2.34 millimeter.”
• [101:30] John (as Alec Baldwin): “It’s true. This man has no dick.”
• [149:29] John (as Billy Bob Thornton): “Let me show you something. Right now, my wiener is bright red.”

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Timestamped Segment Highlights

• [01:23] – [13:00]: John’s masturbation cop nightmare, with analysis and “waistband” jokes.
• [19:00] – [40:00]: The “too soft” American kids vs survival in Colombia, ranking cultural survival prowess.
• [57:56] – [62:00]: “Reincarnation machine” web hijinks; who were you in a past life?
• [98:36] – [114:05]: “Alec Baldwin’s Fill In the Blanks” game show with listeners.
• [127:44] – [136:51]: Brady’s story about acting at a mental health facility, finding “Gary,” campus life.
• [149:17] – [153:30]: Billy Bob Thornton’s explicit take on period sex, rapid-fire movie parody ideas.

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Recurring Tone & Language

• Direct, raunchy, and playful: Honors the original sharp wit, irreverence, and stream-of-consciousness banter of the show.
• Honest, self-deprecating: Hosts open up about personal failings and observations without pretension.
• Satirical Social Commentary: Jokes lampooning “softness,” privilege, and modern parenting, always with a comedic edge.
• Inside jokes and exaggerated characters: From “Rico Blaze” the porn star to “Detective Ben,” and parodic “Alec Baldwin.”

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For New Listeners: Why This Episode Resonates

This episode encapsulates the wild, relatable, and gloriously awkward moments of adult life, coupled with searing takes on social trends and the parade of human folly. Whether you’re in it for the self-roasting stories, the social satire, the game show shenanigans, or the unfiltered news riffing, Holmberg’s Morning Sickness serves up something brash, honest, and hysterical—all in one ride.

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Ads, intros, and outros have been omitted. This summary captures the essence, energy, and major content threads of the episode, including direct quotes, key segments, and the original speakers’ tone.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[A]

There you have it. MMP Guns or legalgunbuyer.com the safe and legal way to sell your firearms. Listen to this While driving or when full alertness is needed, the rest of Holmberg's morning sickness. This is the big red radio Yesterday. I'm hanging around the house. Got nothing going on by myself on the couch and a little tired, but not too tired. Maybe I could take a nap. Maybe I could drop out. But one thing we all know as men taking a nap is assisted with a nice yank, right? You give a yank before I told you my tale a few months ago when I got caught on the couch for the very first time in forever, I've never been caught. So there I am throwing porn up on the big tv. Windows are cracked, you know, got the blinds a little bit open. Nobody's wandering around the cul de sac. Totally safe. I've done this before, and I've always thought, maybe the mailman can see in. He's my only real concern, but he'd have to do some peeping. So I got the horn that I finally settled on, the one I was gonna go with. You know, the search was kinda like, I'm familiar with this one. Or that Brazilian girl rides hard POV with cream pies. The title of the video. That was the title of what I had gone with. I like the Brazilian girl's clothes. A quick scan of the highlights when you bump the little video before you actually choose it and shows you the seven or eight different things you might be seeing. We all know what's going on here. You gotta thumb through that beginning when you actually hit play and somebody goes, are you beating your meat again? The ad we've all seen. Four seconds. And then four seconds. Brent's with me. Brady, this is all information for you. Take notes.

[B]

It's like YouTube when you're watching a video.

[A]

No, it's nothing. Like, you can skip the ad, but very rarely on YouTube, the ad starts with, are you beating your meat again? I seem to get that one every time. They guilt me at first. So there I am. I start to unbuckle and pull down the drawers a little bit, take one leg out because I can't do restrained knees in this situation. A leg's got to be loose, you know, you never going to throw it over the back of the couch or just start walking around. So she's out there, the Brazilian lady, doing her POV thing. And so far, so good. It's working. And. And I see shadows. I'm in mid. Throw shadows on the porch. And I'm like, mailman. And then a knock on the door. A sm. You know, it's a. Just a knock on the door. Oh, wait, I'm sorry. No, doorbell don't happen. Knock on the door. I'm like, oh, please, knock on the door. I'm gonna let that go. I don't answer the door for any. That keeps going mid. Throw shadows in the window now. And I'm like, what the hell is going on? So I poke my head up over the edge of the couch and there's a police car out, like in the cul de sac. And there's a cop walking away from the window. And those shadows in the window was the cop throwing his face up against the window. Oh, man. I'm like, is this illegal? What are we seeing here? Go outside. Pull everything back up. Point the. You Know, in the waistband. Yeah, gotta put it in the waistband. Brad knows, of course. Gotta put it in the waistband to keep it up so you don't. A, you don't make trickles. And B, not just sticking on you, Brett, no, you put it in the waistband. That's exactly what I did. I had my jeans a little low, and I buttoned over the top of them.

[B]

Tighten the mask.

[A]

I hold my shirt down over, and I. Luckily it was a. A. A T shirt hoodie, so it had pockets and I could put my hands in it and. Good Lord, Brett, it's like you've lived it, you know, you guys are danger whackers. And I open the door thinking there's trouble in River City. You know, there's cops banging on doors. Now. What, is there a gas leak or something? The Brazilian lady's on pause on the big screen. And there I am, and Ben is climbing back in his car. What's up, Holberg? I'm like, hey, Ben. Nothing. I just wanted to pop by and say hey. And I'm like, oh, yeah, good to see you. And I'm just waiting for him to go, got you jerking off. Nope. I'll tell you this. I'd rather get caught ten times over again by parents, wives, friends than a police officer in uniform standing in my window in my. I'm threading the needle, you know, what are you doing? I bet he feels the exact same way, though. That's probably why he didn't say. I don't think he saw anything. Okay. But then when he. When he left, we had a nice little chat. I got my hands in my pockets. I'm covering up. Still aroused enough to stay in the waistband. I'm so glad you understand me. I'm poked through. Although the guy's coming back, and you can't poke it down.

[B]

No.

[A]

Because then you'll have all that, you know, disturbing color start to show up on your leg and your pant leg. And so you get. The Lucian islands start to show up, so you got to keep. And then at the end, Ben says something that kind of made me think he knows he's hearing this for the first time, unless he knew and just kept it to himself. We joke, and he go, that's good to see you again. And I'm like, thanks. He goes, you're looking pretty stacked, kid. And I go, oh, no. Oh, no. Does he. He knows. He saw it. He saw my pathetic body in mid throw through the window dressed as a copper. So I'm reporting him for wasting city resources and time banging on my door. Isn't there criminals out there that you should be looking for rather than beating down my door? Ben?

[B]

Peeping Ben.

[A]

Yeah, Peeping police. I. I would like to report a peeping policeman. But the Brazilian girl, I couldn't go back to it. I had to. I had to stop. I didn't find a new one. I worked out instead. At least it wasn't Rico Blaze that showed up at your house. Rico starts rolling. Hey, I heard there was a party going on here. And a one man party it is. I was taken aback by the police car. There's something in your body that turns you into a nine year old that you think you've done everything you've ever done wrong in your life. When you're erect, half naked, and you peek out the window and the cops are there, it's like a movie. You think it is over. Like they found something you don't even remember doing.

[B]

We're gonna have to take you in.

[A]

There's Rico. We'll have to bring you into the station here. The police came before you. Rico Blaze. I heard you had a Brazilian girl's POV with a cream pie. All right, I brought my camera player. Now let's see that beast you got. Is that it? That's what you carry? All right, Rico Blaze is moving on.

[B]

Yeah, so Rico's here with a pack of smokes and a 40.

[A]

Yeah, y' all done. Worst part is. All right, it's time for a little cleanup there, cracker. God damn, you do have a thick ass for a man. Those Mac Weldons. If you turn around, I don't know that I wouldn't know you as a fat white woman. So there's. But then when I went to the car and then everything's just crossed through my mind too, that my police officer friend caught me. I'm not sure he saw anything because I've gone outside to measure what you'd have to do to see the porn on the 90 inch television through the window. Through the plantation shutter. I've actually gone out and like. All right, how close would you have to. You would actually have to go, you know, face to window and then be looking for it. And you'd still. Like if you went face to window, you'd see it. But he did. So, I mean, I'm pretty sure.

[B]

I just. I mean, that's not the best wackatorium setup you got there.

[A]

It's a perfect wacatorium because you're.

[B]

You set up that way so you can see anyone that's coming around there.

[A]

So, yeah, you got windows. And I can see when a car's reflection goes into the driveway. That's mostly what I'm concerned with. Mailman seeing me beat off. I can't imagine what mailman walk into on a regular basis. Nobody goes up to my door. Only the mailman. Occasionally the Amazon dude. But they're in such a hurry, they don't care. I mean, you see that Brazilian ass up there? If it. If it was that obvious. But it's hard to see in the windows unless you put your face up against them. Well, Ben did. I think it's just bro code. You catch a boy, and it's like you just act like it didn't happen because neither one of you want to admit you know what was just going on. He had a dude in the car with him. Not a criminal. He wasn't driving criminals around. Hang on. I stop off and make fun of a guy. He had another. Another policeman with him. And that dude was laughing so hard before I got to the car. So all my insecurities are like, oh, no, they know. And I'm like, hey, guys. And I. And once I realized it was him, I'm like, I shouldn't have come outside. I should have acted like I wasn't home. But no. So thanks a lot, Ben. Well done, Detective. It wasn't RICO in the car though, right? No, it was a white guy. They all know Rico, though. Why don't we go by your homeburg friend's house and take a look at what videos he's searching out? Let me recommend Ickomdeep. Cause that's where you're gonna see all the law in action. Rico slaves making. Wasn't Rico. What? Not Rico. Blaze slaves.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Rico's play is a different guy. I follow. I like Rico slave better. He's awesome. He's captured. He's in a hot box. It's pretty awesome. You call that a hot box? Watch this. Yeah. Anyway, so I apologize to the local law enforcement for this accident yesterday, but. Ah, you ruined it. You gonna try again today? I do it every day. No, I mean back to. Back to Brazilian There. Oh, yeah, Just wrecked. Oh, no, no, no. She's. No, this is the side I have to go revisit. She's good. She's good stuff. I was. And the debate was there's a two people. What are they called? Lustful couple. And they. They. They make love regularly, but the dude's starting to watch himself on the TV too much, and it kind of makes it's off putting that. He turns and you can tell he's watching himself and not the girl. She's like kind of an everyday girl. And he's. He's just kind of this ripped stallion. I kind of like watching them, but yesterday was just the Brazilian pov. And I'm not a cream pie fella. I like an oatmeal cream pie. That's as far as I'll take that. I don't stick around for that ending. Usually I'm out by then. But I gotta be careful with volume and all that. It's a big system, you know. So are you beating your meat again? Has to be real low. So I make sure that the volume's way low. And then I get it up midway through. And then, you know, start the process. Play the game that millions of others are playing right now. You won't last one minute. Brett and I know Brady, you can go. Brett and I are going to have a show. I'm curious. What is an ad for? And you feel like, you know, every one of your friends knows that ad. Play the game that everyone's playing. You won't last one minute. Try not to to this. You won't last one minute. We all know there's dudes in their car right now probably watching. Oh, you can get. Well, how are you doing that around our firewall? Yeah. Rogue. I see. So anyway, Officer Ben, I apologize if you saw anything you shouldn't have seen, but you're a cop. You probably walked in on worse.

[B]

I get that similar ad on a cooking thing with this Adam, once you make. It won't last one minute.

[A]

Well, no. And also the same thing. Yolk in under one minute. If you. Yeah. Watch this video. So what are you going to do? Ben is so small. I didn't see anything. He just text me. Well, that's not. Stop it.

[B]

Son of a.

[A]

That's police brutality right there. And then a bunch of laughy face emojis. And then the puke one in the newest sex simulator games. This is a different one.

[B]

This is the same one.

[A]

Positions. I remember that one. Is that chatterbait? Which one is this one? That one pops up all the time.

[B]

And then you.

[A]

And then you go to hit skip ad and you accidentally hit the video and you're on the ad. Damn it. You got to backtrack. Damn. Where's the one? It's so relatable and nobody talks about it. I just hate that. Are you beating your meat again? Don't judge me. I'm on pornhub. Of course I am. Don't chastise me with the first thing I hear.

[B]

Play the game.

[A]

Play the game. That is so great. Oh, my God. So anyway, so the law enforcement of Phoenix and Ben and.

[B]

Thank you for your protection.

[A]

Yeah, thanks for, you know, having a slow day yesterday. Let's go over to H. Bang on the door. There it was. And so I just went in and embarrassingly went full. You know, just go work. I gotta get rid of this energy, and it's not gonna work again. I'm paranoid.

[B]

You didn't seek hot tonal instructor.

[A]

No hot tonal instructor. Beats the char out of me. All the tonal instructors that even like, they're also incredibly ripped. They just make you feel bad for looking at them. Don't. John, don't forget the chatterbait.

[B]

Pop up.

[A]

You gotta close. Oh, that's the chatterbait one. Is the one that bothers me all the time because it's so sensitive. If you accidentally bump that, like, you can barely get static electricity if you get too close to that chatterbait. Oh, yeah. Trying to make it big screen during the chatterbait. Forget it. You're going to chatterbait. And I don't even know what that is. But then I get the. And then the next thing I get is, you've been infected with four viruses. I'm like, the phone or me. I mean, how are you guys working this? I'm only worried about one of those two things, and then you just X out of those and go back to your Brazilian oatmeal Little Debbie moment. Yeah, you're missing out on all this stuff, Brady. You can't even have conversations like, look at Brett and I are bonding over the waistband thing that all guys do if you're lucky enough. I can't imagine, like a microbeam like, what they have to do because you can't go waistband with that. Your pants would be half that. Well, then you don't really have to worry about it. Yeah, but you still make the dots.

[B]

Oh, that's true.

[A]

Yeah. It's not cool. Anyway. Anyway. Sorry, Britain. Didn't mean to exclude you from the chat.

[B]

Look, I'm okay.

[A]

Yeah, it is.

[B]

It's the process. You know, I'm learning from it.

[A]

Yeah, you'll. You'll figure it out. One of these times you're going to just hit it up. And, you know, throwing it up on the big screen is. You know, that air drop thing is one of the greatest. Just hit that.

[B]

And what I learned, it's just not. I mean, there's too much on the line.

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

If someone that was knocking on the door, looking in the window was a member of my family.

[A]

Oh, you would you die. You know him. He invites everybody.

[B]

That would be an all time.

[A]

He's got a screen door. He's the only guy in Arizona with a screen door. So he keeps the door open. That's true. You have too much of an open door policy to go through throwing her around. So you have to keep it.

[B]

It's in a vault.

[A]

Yeah. If your daughter caught you, that'd be bad.

[B]

That's what I'm saying.

[A]

A big wolf.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Get over it. Yeah. And basically you'd have to say it's your fault I'm doing this and just turn the tables.

[B]

We can do something about this.

[A]

If you were better at your job, I wouldn't have to do this in the middle of the day. That'll go over well. Yeah. Oh, it's not going to go over well. But that just eliminates the embarrassment and starts a new fight, which you have to do at that point just to.

[B]

You deal with the situation.

[A]

Yeah. If this didn't suck so bad, I wouldn't have to do this. Oh, why? I'm sorry. That was. I was lashing out out of embarrassment. I don't mean that. But yeah, it's true. There's part of it that's like, I'm just gonna get this out of the way and then have a nap. I just wanted a nap. I don't want that thing floating around.

[B]

Get.

[A]

Go right to sleep. I wasn't that tired, but I was tired enough that I could get a couple hours and I knew I had the 8 o' clock Suns game gonna bleed into the. I was gonna be a sleep. 11 o' clock would probably be so just, you know. But if that, you know, cops ruined it. The cops came. It was so sexy. The cops came. All right. I like Rico Blaze. I wish he would have shown up. I actually kind of wish it was a real cop. That would have been even better. Your friend Detective Ben said that there was some action going on in here that was unfavorable and unsavory to the eye. I brought my tripod. I don't see a tripod. You haven't seen it yet. All my equipment is in my draws. You call that the stroke, young man? Mm. I've seen better strokes on an 80 year old woman in ICU.

[B]

That's his nightstick.

[A]

Let's rough up the suspect with my nightstick. What do you Say leaving cruises. Rico. Yeah, so it was. I'm embarrassed. Phoenix's finest has seen that. Ben's fault. Don't go peeping in people's windows. Who do I complain to? Who's the supervisor? I need to talk to AI Rico. Yeah, that's the AI guy. I'd like to make a complaint. Oh, what did you see? Well, it's not what I saw. There was a police officer peeping in my window. Go on. No, no, it wasn't good. What did this officer see? Well, my pants were down. Yes, go on. And I just gave Rico Blaze a new concept for his next video too. He's now got a plot. It's out of control now. 98K youPd this episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Well, with the name your price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try [e-mail], progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Well, with the name your price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try [e-mail], progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Pricing coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states. The Best of Homburg's morning sickness. This is the big red radio and then the big story. I've been reading about those four kids that survived that plane crash down there in Columbia, which is just 40 days in the jungle. The plane crashed. They're starting to leak some details. Last night I saw one where the dad of one of the kids, now they were 13, 9, 4 and 1, and they. The plane crashed 40 something, 46 days ago now. And they found him like last Thursday, living in the jungle, still alive, still. Okay. And the dad was talking to the news and said the mom lived in the plane. She survived for like four days. And they stayed with her. And then she's like, go, just go survive. 13 year old was the oldest one, taking care of a baby. And a four year old and a nine year old, they made it. They made it 40 days in the jungle. They had a bottle, that's it. And they were walking around like collecting water off the leaves and stuff to get the bottle so they could go. They weren't eating much, they weren't doing anything. And I start thinking to myself, here in the States, I think maybe our Kids are more capable than we're giving them credit. I think all this helicoptering or my baby can't be alone or I gotta pick him up at the elementary school in that 4 million mom line, as I like to call it at 3 o' clock every day because your kids aren't allowed to walk home. I'm pretty sure your kids are more capable than you're giving them credit for. It's nuts what they could do if they were left to their own. You know, I always talk to kids.

[B]

But you have some, I mean those kids had to have some camped before or something like that.

[A]

Okay, but still in their bedroom on a PlayStation.

[B]

You take some of these kids over.

[A]

Well, that's another thing. Parents aren't putting their kids in any sort of peril. There's. But you don't train your 13 year old to raise a 1 year old for 40 days in the jungle.

[B]

No.

[A]

Maybe a weekend, maybe in Colombia. But I mean, you know, there's no, I mean there's no amount of excuses. We, we got some soft little over here in the United States that you know, you could.

[B]

Not only that. Yeah, I mean it's all the way. Kids and adults that have never even.

[A]

Look, when I was 13, I didn't.

[B]

Experience anything like that.

[A]

One of my core horrifying memories was John Stevens and I went to Fiesta Mall. 13 years old. I know for a fact that's how old I was. I think I just turned 13. Went to Fiesta Mall. John lived in a place called the Park Place. Houses over off Longmore and Baseline area, not too far from Fiesta Mall. So his folks were picking us up. I was under the understanding my mom was coming to get me. So when John Stevens mom showed up and actually it was his dad that day showed up, I said no, my mom's coming to get me, thank you. And he said, do you want us to wait? And I'm like, I'm fine. She'll be. And I saw an Oldsmobile 98 Regency Broham rolling up white. And I said there she is, we're good. And Mr. Stevens drove away. And that was not my mom coming up in the. It was just a replica car of the Oldsmobile. That's not my mom's car. So I just sat there and an hour later I'm on Longmore Road. Cars are honking at me because I'm standing in the middle of the road trying to go over to Fuddruckers to use the phone. And then I freak the F out, run back through traffic, crying my eyes Out. Where's my mom? Don't know how to make any contact with anyone. I was supposed to be picked up at three. At five o' clock I'm under the stair. Remember that staircase at Dillard's? It's where I tried to share my first kiss. It's a staircase. I laid there. I'd been missing for an hour and 10 minutes.

[B]

You were 13.

[A]

I was 13. I was a mess. I almost got hit by car. I didn't know where my mom was. I was worried she was dead. I knew I was gonna get killed cause I wasn't home when I was supposed to be. My dad was. No, he was in. He wasn't tolerant of the excuse. So it turned out my mom thought Mr. Stevens was gonna take me home. And I thought she was coming to get me. So she's sitting there at work minding her own. Keep in mind my mom's work was less than a mile from Fiesta Mall. But I didn't, didn't walk over there, didn't. I sat for two hours under a stair. I have a feeling had that gone on another 45 minutes I would have died. I would have need to run over in the parking because I was just panicking. I didn't go to the crosswalk, I just started running out on the Longmore. Where's my mom? 13. And I was a pretty self sufficient 13 year old. But when things went wrong, I had no capabilities. None. Like everything had to be in order. I didn't have. I had a panic button or I had everything's okay. I didn't have a let's reason moment as a 13 year old boy. Lost my mind because I blew it in my head. I'm like oh, I should have been in the car with the Stevens. These kids went 40 days. That's now give me a one year old to take care of for those two hours.

[B]

I want to know more.

[A]

I'd have eaten the one year old. The one year old would have because I would have been worried about sustenance. I had no money in my pocket so I just started stealing inside the Dillards or Sears or whatever.

[B]

Did they have the ability of you know, to create fire or did they.

[A]

Have a light or.

[B]

I'm just.

[A]

I have no clue how they figured.

[B]

It out because you know if it's 46 days and it's on nothing but water, that's they were straight 40 number one.

[A]

I mean like the one year old.

[B]

For the one year old.

[A]

Yeah. The, the 40 days that they were in the jungle had to have known is crash defying. They picked stuff up off the ground. I wouldn't know.

[B]

That's what I'm saying. I'm wondering if they and, and, and.

[A]

None of your kids out there are capable at age 13. If they don't have Chick Fil A or the app for their phone to get points for Chick Fil A. They're not foraging. Our kids are too soft. We need to dump them off in the woods. No more camp or you know, sewing class or whatever. You take Kirby into the woods and just. All right, see you Friday and just survive it. Then they'd be a little more self sufficient like every one of them. So soft they won't even. I remember when I lived in Arcadia 15 years ago and they passed a rule that if you saw a kid with a backpack to report him.

[B]

Why?

[A]

Because the parents weren't allowed to have backpacks on their kids for a while because it's bad for their spines. So every kid was walking around like they had a flight to catch in these roller bags.

[B]

That's changed.

[A]

They're back on backpacks.

[B]

Oh man. And they're good loading them up.

[A]

Yeah. And it's fashion now, so it made it. But for a while there it was like, oh, these poor little. Some crazy Arcadia mom lost her mind because her kid had scoliosis and she blamed the backpack. So then all the kids had to go with backpacks. And then you see a kid with a backpack and he looks like he's struggling. Definitely call Kiva Elementary. Nobody's gonna do that. God forbid you got stuck in that line of every kid is abductible at 245. Because every. Not one mom ever trusted another mom. They all sat in the same 60 car line to pick up one kid at a time. Screwed up the traffic for hours. These kids. Meanwhile, out in the jungle of Columbia.

[B]

The weekend. You know, bottom line weekend for anyone right now. As far as like here. You're out in the woods for the weekend.

[A]

Good luck. Take Kirby, a 9 year old, a 3 year old and a 1 year old. Put him in the backyard. Tell them they can't come inside for 40. No phones, no no PlayStations, no nothing. All the water you want, no iPad. I bet you I'm put some money on this. I'm going to fanduel the over under on two dead ones. There's two dead ones by Sunday. If it's American.

[B]

Roll on a spit over the fire.

[A]

Kirby's learned from the best. She's going to work. Yeah, you can't work the gas grill. How about that? You can't fire off the little button in the gas grill. You have to figure out how to make your own. Just in the backyard. And I don't know, do you have fruit trees? You might have a fruit tree. Yeah. Yeah. There you go.

[B]

Lemon, lime, they could survive.

[A]

But I guarantee they'd be banging on the door in an hour. This is dumb, bruh. I don't like eating limes. No choice. You'd cave in a second. Seeing Kirby's little face up against the glass. The one year old is dead. Daddy, do we cook it or just go? Raw dog? A raw dog on a curb of herbs. Look, you see her? She's in trouble. Nobody wants their kids to be missing for 40 days. But I look at your kid right now and think, could it survive 14 hours on its own? I'm putting most. Most of your kids, I'm putting money on. No, I got.

[B]

You know, if they had their phone.

[A]

All they do is call you to.

[B]

Say, come get 14 hours.

[A]

Yeah, well, they. They would call you to bother you. I was in Las Vegas with my friend, and his daughter wouldn't stop calling with like, where's the stupid salt? What? Ask grandma. She's at the house. She's in her room. I don't know where you. I don't know where the salt is right now. I'm not. I'm hundreds of miles.

[B]

Cannot approach.

[A]

This sucks. When are you guys coming home? Like, we'll be back at a hundred. Good. But they call back, Brett. They don't stop. Block the number for the weekend. Are helpless spam. And you know what's funny? If you hang out with people with kids, that phone rings every time they're not with their mommy or daddy. They got a question about something stupid. So I don't hang out with people with kids. Order me some doordash. That was another thing we got. Come on, bro. You. I'm gonna order doordash. Like, don't order doordash. We loaded the fridge full. No, I'm getting doordash. Do you have any money in your account? No, you order it and send it. I'm hungry, bruh. We have to order her doordash. Or, you know the problem is, is the damn phone made it. So the parents are like, just order it for her, and she'll leave us alone. And they do. We got your stupid chick fil A now. Shut up.

[B]

Chick fil A.

[A]

Guy's taking forever. Check where he is on your app. Stop calling us. Yeah, so 40 days. I gotta hand it to him. But I gotta also say, you know, maybe a few of you guys out there, and I know there's some of you looking at your kids going, see, this is why I put you in the backyard for three days. Some of you are raising them right. Most of you are raising soft little pricks. I don't think any. I think it's pretty extraordinary. Any kid makes it 40 days in the jungle. But it made me think of our American softy and boy, we're loaded with it. And it's going to be a great movie too. A great. But the problem's going to be you got to cast kids. You're going to have some pretty amazing kids. Good kid actors got to come up out of nowhere and you can't. You're not casting any good American kid actors because they'd be too soft to try to understand the child they're playing. Maybe doll up some 20 year olds to make them look 13 and do it. But the dead mom after four days. So 36 days without an adult and the last thing that they. And when they came back, all they wanted was bread and rice pudding. Like just some rice and some bread will be good. Like they knew they had menu order. And the cool part was. And I saw this and I didn't ever. I didn't see the follow through on this. There were search teams dropping food where they thought they might be from. Like just dumping giant boxes of food onto the ground.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hopefully just finding. Yeah. Because you know they're on foot. There's a one year old. I know they're carrying that around. So they got, they got baggage. So they're kind of saying, you know the old Tommy Lee Jones. You know, three miles an hour. How far could they have got?

[B]

Do some random drops.

[A]

So every day it's like if they're just keep. But they'd have to do it in five or six different directions. I don't know. I didn't. I haven't read if they got to the boxes yet. And again you crack that open in the jungle and suddenly a couple animals are out there going there's some free food in the box. Just got cracked open. And there's a baby nearby.

[B]

And you know, let alone the plants. Like you see berries, like no, that one's poisonous.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Knowing the difference, who knows?

[A]

I don't know any of that. I know that they probably had a few bugs. And I'd also keep that one year old baby around as I know what's in the jungle. Like tigers or something. Tiger or bear bait. Second, I said, that baby would have come in handy if I was that 13 year old. That's the first thing I'm chucking at the animal that's trying to eat us. Then I'm looking at that four year old and going, you better get speedy because you're the next meal. I'm the oldest one. I'm gonna survive.

[B]

Diapers.

[A]

Diapers.

[B]

One year old.

[A]

You're not changing diapers. You're lost in the jungle, hauling diapers and just spraying. You went full American right there. You softened it up right there. Of course that's what they were doing. They were jungle people. Diapers. Jeremy said, from what I read, the kids were an indigenous tribe. They knew basics about the fruits, which ones were good to eat, about how to live in the jungle already. Because our kids would be completely effed. Oh, completely, yeah, yeah. You. You lose them in a safe way, they're not going to figure out how to eat. What I'm saying is, American kids, there's a bear.

[B]

I'm gonna go hug it.

[A]

Dumb and soft. Don't they just start taking pictures of it? Look, it's eating the baby. Let's get a selfie. This is gonna go so viral. We're going viral. That baby getting eaten by a bear.

[B]

I'm a jungle influencer.

[A]

Yeah, they were. I did. I. I didn't realize that they had, like, jungle training. I don't know where they were flying. I don't know. Say, that's my bigotry, though, because I figure if you're indigenous, you don't have air travel at all. You just run around with a swath covering. That's whitey thinking, yeah, that's. That's when I'm with you. When I heard indigenous, I'm like, they're indigenous and they're on a plane. Indigenous people travel, you idiot. But I did. I thought of a spear and then like an immediate. Yeah, they had loin cloth, loincloth. And Brady's thinking, you know, do they get a jungle book? That's what I'm thinking when I. I hear the word jungle and indigenous. Mogwai comes to mind. Is that his name? I think. But yeah, I just. Brady worried about diapers and cleanliness. They're jungle.

[B]

What if I change it up? That do the indigenous, then. Yeah, they're. No, they're living off the land. They probably like, why did you pull us out after 46 days?

[A]

No, they look fine, brah. They look horrible. And that's your American bigotry. To assume they're jungle people. I'm sure they probably gained weight. You're so much food out. No 13 year old group is gonna do too well if they're thrown into a jungle from the only ones that.

[B]

Would be able to survive.

[A]

Now here's the thing about the word indigenous. Look, they'd say that in other countries if four Indians smashed into a mountain here and got lost in the woods. They're indigenous to the area. I've met Indian kids too. They might know a few things about corn or smashing some stuff into a rock and making food. But they're as soft as any other American kid out there. They're not doing too much special. I know natives I know you're getting.

[B]

I give them the advantage though.

[A]

Still, don't go all warrior over an.

[B]

American white over indigenous Arcadians.

[A]

All right, let's go bigotry. Full on rank them American kids by race. Who's got the best chance of surviving in a plane crash in the woods for 40 days? Whites are in last. There's. I'm just going to start there. No way. No way. A family of white kids crashes and like, let's just put them up.

[B]

They're in Tonto Forest 10 days.

[A]

I don't even know if they go that far. Ten's a hell of a run. Again, like I said, Kirby, no iPhone. Kirby with four people in the back, a baby, a three year old and a nine year old. And Kirby in your backyard, unable to come in, unable to use the grill. How long until the baby's dead? A day? Yeah, maybe. And then they're parting out the baby for meals by Sunday night. And then when you check out my.

[B]

Monday supplies of some.

[A]

No, well, you got, you got a bottle.

[B]

She got lemon and limes and you got water.

[A]

Yeah, that. You know what you're. You know what your kids would do?

[B]

You do have the bottle.

[A]

You know what your kids would do? They'd guzzle the pool. They just start sucking chlorinated water down and that baby would be dead in a day.

[B]

Well, if you. I mean, unfortunately, you know, out in the wild you don't have the, the stuff. You're gonna depend. You're gonna. You're going to drink the water regardless. Sure.

[A]

But I mean they've got a pool so you don't even have to worry about water. And they still would eat the baby by Sunday night if they, if they were lost. Friday at noon Sunday night there's a baby fry because they're starving to death. Every American white kid.

[B]

They wouldn't they wouldn't eat the baby.

[A]

They'd eat the baby. The baby would be dead and they'd know by Sunday night. If your kids had not eaten and they didn't have their chick fil a, that baby's the closest thing to chick fil a they've got. They're parting it out. No way. You're. No way. And you know what else would happen? You'd cave because of all the pounding on the door that they won't participate in this activity.

[B]

Kirby would know to eat lizards and scorpions.

[A]

Would she?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Could she seen dad just forage out in the backyard for snack time? All right.

[B]

Seen the cat.

[A]

You want to believe that Kirby's to see you got American dad disease. My little angel would figure it out.

[B]

She couldn't handle it.

[A]

No. Whites are in the last place. Maybe.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Maybe the reds are one and Mexican probably second. They're pretty good. Yeah. I'm not putting the blacks too high on this one. I don't know. Hear the words you say sometimes. I mean, who talks like that?

[B]

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[A]

This is Michael with Restore My Civil Rights. I made a lot of poor decisions in my past that had lifelong consequences. After I was released from prison for the last time in 2014, I discovered the process to have my convictions dismissed and all of my rights restored, including my Second Amendment rights. Since achieving this for myself in 2018, our attorney has assisted over 3,000 others in doing the same. If you are still living under the consequences of past mistakes and would like to restore your rights as I have, visit restoremycivilrights.com and book a free consultation today. Holmberg's morning sickness. I don't. I don't think that. I don't think that helps. Like getting lost in the woods for four days. Well, whitey's definitely last. Oh, Whitey. Whitey's not. There's like such a gap between the Top three and where white kids would end up. Bro, I need my iPad. I'll be honest, I hate almost all white kids that I meet. And I don't know if that's because of the circles I run in.

[B]

The only ones that might be craft here are the. Are the Mormon kids. How so they learn the crafts Boy scouts. And they go through, you know, they.

[A]

Do have to go through a lot of that.

[B]

So if.

[A]

But at 13, are they capable of boy scouting? I guess so.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's pretty good age for Mormon. So let's hope that one of them Boy scout and and more than likely, if you lose four Mormons in the woods, you're gonna find six. Because a couple of them are gonna procreate. They don't mind the boundaries of sister brother relations.

[B]

And you can identify them immediately.

[A]

Oh yeah, because the name tag and the glowing white shirts and their hair that's like a beaming from it. Yeah. Mormons would probably be of all the whites, the most capable. I I meet, I meet your kids. I'm not impressed. I read stories like this and I'm like, this would never happen. They'd find four dead little white kids. If a plane crashed and they lived through it, we'd never know. There's probably been story after story where a little twin engine plane going up to our cabin in Pine Top smashes into the side of a mountain. And they might live for like a day or two, but we'd never know because all you find is the corpse of them trying to My kind of cell service. I don't know what to do. I can't get chick fil a to doordash me in the middle of the superstitions. Yeah, your kids are look at this story and just go up and hit your kid. You little wasted. Put Your, put your PS5 controller down in your Chick fil A and shut up. Don't call me me for three days. And take that away.

[B]

Might be a good little ad to education survival class. Use this as an example.

[A]

Yeah, you incapable little pricks. Class 101. You see the kids in Columbia, you worthless blobs of carbon mass. Do they have chick fil a in the jungle? Stop talking about chick fil a.

[B]

Can I use my member number to charge it?

[A]

I'll use my dad's card. I have access. You went a little American dad though, worrying about diapers and hygiene and stuff. They were pooping on the ground, walking around with mud butt. They weren't wiping, just going. I talked to Jani about that all the time. Every time I'm around Jani, the African that I'm friends with, that was one of the lost boys of the students, six years old, walked from the Sudan all the way to Kenya and then all the way back because he got kicked out of Kenya too. All the way back across the Sudan to Ethiopia. Had to go to both directions. His friends getting eaten by hyenas. They're drinking their own pee. And he always says, these American kids make me sick. Daddy, Daddy, where's my food?

[B]

That tune has changed.

[A]

Oh, he's. He's. He sees kids he hates.

[B]

He's in the club now.

[A]

His daughter drives him nuts because he's spoiled rotten. You have no idea. You're not in the Sudan anymore, Daddy. You have no idea how easy your life is. Stop crying. We're going to Chick Fil A. I don't know what's in Chick Fil A that makes kids lose it, love it, but they. That's all they want.

[B]

Happy Meals are an early drug, too, for the kids.

[A]

For sure. That Chick Fil A thing. I think those lines are long just to keep kids quiet. You try to drive by a Chick fil A at 4 or 5, and it's like, oh, yeah. Every one of the kids is having withdrawals, so the moms are out just to shut them up. Yeah, I don't want to hear 40 days. I can't wait for the movie. Although it's going to be. It has to be about the rescue workers. It can't be about the kids. Same as that. Yeah, the lost soccer kids, they didn't focus too much on the kids in the cave because you had to have too many acting kids. And that ruins a movie. So you focused in on the people trying to rescue, which the rescue is phenomenal on that one 13 or something like that.

[B]

Sleeping and drinking water when it was.

[A]

When you could get it, and dropping deuces. Oh, and that's. You got to keep that out of the water you're trying to drink. Oh, well, the.

[B]

The deuce dropping was about two days still. You had to do it.

[A]

Oh, they had to do it.

[B]

You don't eat right then.

[A]

Then after a while, you're just shooting diarrhea out every once in a while because you're drinking that tainted water. And they said that they went into that one room to. To dump the soccer kids. So it was just this little cave of feces that they had to live.

[B]

With for that curry. Just.

[A]

Yeah, I'd be at the American kids. Kill me after a couple days. I'm done. You know what? I almost kind of. I almost like, I don't know that I have that survival instinct. Plane crashes and I open my eyes, I'm like, oh, great. Where are we? The jungle? Let me just see if I can close my eyes again and go away. I'm not. I'm not walking through that. And I don't know. And the mom said, you got to get out of here. You got to start searching. I don't know. If I wouldn't just stick by the. I don't know how I'd handle it. But again, I was 13, I was pretty. I was more self sufficient than any kid today. And I lost my cork when mom didn't show up. Fiesta mall for an hour and 45 minutes, crying by a set of stairs, thinking I was done. This is where I live now, so I might as well make a little hot tub. I'm digging holes. You're like Tom Hanks in that movie. Moving into the airport and stuff or what? Oh, I did. And I walked back into the Dillards and I was too embarrassed to tell somebody, hey, I need to get a phone call to the house. I. I was just dumb. All I needed to do was go right back in that mall and say, hey, I gotta get somebody to come pick me up. But because I blew it with Mr. Stevens car ride, I didn't want to call home and go, hey, I screwed up. I got to inconvenience you. You didn't do that to your parents when I was a kid. I'm sure Kirby calls you every time she needs something that was off limits for me. Figure it out. Click. I'm at work. Don't call me at work. If I called my dad at work, if I wasn't on fire or bleeding to death, and even then, if I was bleeding to death because I did something stupid, it was on me to figure that out. You're on fire. You did. You gotta come get me.

[B]

I'm not.

[A]

Come pick up a kid who's on fire. It's gonna hurt me. Get in the pool. Oh, yeah, the pool. Oh, thanks, dad. Don't ever call me at work again. You just didn't bother them. The way that the phone rings off the hook now for kids. I'm standing down there with Jill. Her kid's 18. Calls her nine times a day. I'm hungry. Calls her to say he's hungry. Little Russian kid. Mom got the joker as a baby, huh? She's got little jokers. You're a very talented mother, but you're making a fool of yourself with this so called employment. Come home, feed the boy. Andrew, you're 18 years old now. Nice. Very cute. That's hilarious. Are you on your way now? While you try to give me some sort of lecture to come home to make sandwiches? I'm very, very hungry. I have to work at 5. A man has a job to do and the woman needs to come home and make meal for the man, so he's got food in his belly. Andrew, don't call me at work. Every time you say work, I giggle because it's with a woman's voice and women do not do that very well. Yeah, I. I don't get it. But yeah. And Kirby probably doesn't have to call because you're always with her.

[B]

She's pretty good at not calling too much. But when she calls, it's usually, what do you have planned for tomorrow?

[A]

Well, she's setting you up.

[B]

What do you got? Because that's what she does. She's basically saying, oh, so and so we want to go to Right. Santan village.

[A]

Yeah. She's always got a ride.

[B]

You're around now she's to that age where a couple of her friends could drive.

[A]

Oh, boy. Sweet.

[B]

Yeah. Is that's awesome. Sarah gonna pick you up or are you looking for daddy Uber?

[A]

Yeah, daddy Uber's a real thing. Anyway, take your soft kids out. So that's summertime. Take them outside. I mean, they do child neglect stuff. If you get left in a Safeway parking lot in the car for five minutes. That used to be my home. My mom went.

[B]

It was standard.

[A]

The last thing my mother wanted to do was have my anchor ass dragging around behind her while she tried to shop for food for us. Stay in the car. I'll be right back. Come on, mom. 38 minutes. Can we get this? Can we get this? And she'd leave it running, which nowadays everybody lose their money. Oh, they're gonna steal your baby.

[B]

If something happened, you'd know what to do.

[A]

Even the car running just so air conditioner would stay on.

[B]

Yeah, but I'm saying, like, what if someone came over?

[A]

But there's the American thought that of course, that this is just going to get rough. Nah. Never once did anybody even try to get in the car. There were probably six cars to choose from in the parking lot with other kids. I remember once I was sitting in the parking lot at Safeway and Alma school in Guadalupe. And I'm in the car and I look over and there's Brian Rendahl, one of my Friends. And he's in his mom's car. And I'm like, hey, sup, Brian? Sup? Cool. You're trapped in the car too. Not allowed in. Me neither. And you know what we knew not to do? Get out. Start talking. We just rolled the window down and yelled at each other from three spaces over. Hey, Tony, what's your name? Tony. You Tony, what's your name? Yeah, but we never got out of the car. Now if you see a car running and an 8 or a 12 or a 13 year old sitting in it.

[B]

CPS.

[A]

Let me get the thing that breaks windows. Our kids are too soft. You got, you raised a ton of pussies. You know, who's gonna whip our ass someday and we'll be sad about it. Well, what happened? Colombia, Columbia is gonna be tougher than. Because you raise these little soft peeps of children. These little marshmallow kids. God, I'm so glad I don't have any of those. You imagine today, marshmallow kids and their friends coming over and you got to look at all of them just going on the future.

[B]

And those kids. 46 days through the jungles of Colombia to battle the additional predator. Think. Thanks to Pablo Escobar, hippos.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, the stuff he added.

[B]

Now they're populated. 400 plus.

[A]

You might have run into a hippo or two. Thanks to your, you know, leader of your nation.

[B]

Sipping some water on the.

[A]

No, no, no. A real hippo. Oh, okay.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Actually a sizable fightable hippo. Not Lizzo. You run into Lizzo in the jungle, you're screwed. You're done. You're getting eaten. He is just eating everything anyway. It's gonna be a good movie, but it really made me think about how incapable we've made our own. And that's why your kids live at home until they're 25. You treat them like they can't do anything until they're 18. I've got three or four friends with kids who are 17 or 18 years old and maybe one of those kids is self sufficient right now. One, one, oh, 18 year old kids are like 12. They're nowhere near like what we knew is 18, which is capable of living on their own. Eight. Back when I was that age, that's how I feel. But it's true. I'll talk about it. I'm at the age now where I can look at your kids and go, whoa, you guys blew it.

[B]

I always think about it every now and then, no matter. I mean, always growing up, like, what happened? It came down to this like electricity goes out and all that. Help prepared. Am I never really.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Do I do anything about it?

[A]

Yeah, to be honest with you. Do it tomorrow. I'll blame the kids and stuff, but I'm as soft as they are right now. If I don't have cable for a couple of days, my TV went out. If the Internet went out at my house for two or three days again, I'd have to just go back to that game room. That's all I got. And that would. After a day, it'd be like, check the Internet again. Yeah, if it's. That would be. I've gotta be pretty.

[B]

My emergency bucket. You know, like the water sterilizer.

[A]

You got one of those.

[B]

90 day supply of food again.

[A]

If I even have to. And this is me, though. I'm not fighting for water. I've lived too. I've lived too. Charmed a life.

[B]

Well, we've got a nice pool. Your pools, you know. Just gotta sterilize it.

[A]

I'm not gonna do that. If I crash in the woods and I'm walking around, that's one thing. But if I'm at home and there's something horrible's going on, if for 90 days I gotta make my pool water drinkable, I don't want to be part of this society.

[B]

You're going for the barrel.

[A]

Oh, I'm eating the barrel. I'm eating a load of barrel.

[B]

Cause what.

[A]

What's the point? Like that just. That basically means the entire nation don't give up. You still have friends. Eat it. F you. So long, everybody. You. Yeah, I don't. If. If for the next 90 days you're gonna have to sterilize your pool and drink that water, maybe even your own piss. What happened to the country? Why are we doing this? It's a. Never mind. It ain't coming back. I'm not gonna sit and fight back and work an extra 10 years to return down. That's enough of that. That's end of ball game, everybody. Oh, we got 90 days. We gotta drink our own piss. Okay. Where you going? I'll be back in.

[B]

We were wrong. It was just three days.

[A]

I don't care. Too late. You were worried about it being 90 days. That's enough to tell me that this thing is as fragile as thin ice. Don't give up. You still have friends. There goes John. Oh, problem was solved. It was just a glitch in the Matrix.

[B]

Well, we've got meat for.

[A]

Yeah, we can eat him for the next three months or so till America Gets back on its feet. America's not getting back on its feet. If we've got a 90 day, work it out. That's why I don't understand those Mormons. They've got water for the next two years and buckets of beans and queso for 25 years. Like what has happened to where you live that you think that's gonna be a quarter of a century of need. Just in case, for the next quarter of a century, I'm gonna have to eat this garage queso that I ordered from Jim Baker. It's a great idea. Oh, you know what I'm gonna eat? No. What's that? The barrel. There's no possible way.

[B]

A Remington queso?

[A]

Yeah. Are you playing Kate Bush? Once you hear Kate Bush, you know that's it. And tonight, America mourns as the nation goes into its 90 day drought of food and drink. And there goes John Homburg. We knew that would happen. Just on the announcement.

[B]

That's actually the report of the news that does that.

[A]

And I for one, I'm not going to fight back. Kate Bush. Take it away. That's right. Griselda shows up in the middle of the jungle. Oh, Griselda would make it. How many Griselda would make it.

[B]

She'll be reporting the whole time.

[A]

Everything about this song is great except Kate Bush. In fact, when she starts singing, I might do something drastic. His voice is perfect. Yeah, I. I'm not staying. You would do it. You'd fight, idiot. You're worthless. You're worthless to the future.

[B]

There's so much pool water to drink.

[A]

What are you fighting for?

[B]

I don't know. Them fighting from taking the barrel.

[A]

That's a tough move. But there's that Kate Bush brightness stroke. Don't give up. You're depressing me. You're reminding me that I again. Hand me that rifle. You crew world we doubled up. Yeah, I don't. I don't have them. You. Would you fight? I don't know. Probably not. The announcement comes in. We got 90 days. We gotta figure out our own food and water situation. Like the water's been shut.

[B]

You wouldn't try it for a day or two.

[A]

You know what, Brady? Go yourself. You know I'm not gonna turn the gun on you. Quit bothering me about. Quit bothering me about survival and making it. We can do it. I'm out of here. I might shoot the. I might shoot the people. First thing I'd shoot is all the people with hope trying to get me like, fired up about this. John, you still have friends. One less. Stop bugging me about this. You know, we saw how we behaved during COVID We couldn't even get along about masks. Now shut down the water supply. Tell me it's gonna be just as simple as drinking your pool water. When you've got droves of assholes standing outside your fence trying to drink your pool too. You gotta start. You. You'd have do.

[B]

I got the lead.

[A]

I'll protect myself. Bro. I'm shooting everybody and trying to drink my. Kirby, cover me. Yeah. Danny. I don't think this is right. Gotta protect the chlorinated water.

[B]

Down.

[A]

Mormon down. Hey, there's the new kslx. Morning. Down. Down. I didn't know they lived in Gilbert. No, I couldn't.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

This whole I'd fight. I'd pack out, bag and shut up.

[B]

We're gonna train today. Good. How quick can we pack up and.

[A]

Get out of town Again? Go yourself again. Starts o'.

[B]

Clock.

[A]

All you need to do is go figure out when the announcement comes. You think you're gonna be clever and go.

[B]

We'll raid the Chick Fil A.

[A]

That way Kirby will be happy for a couple weeks. And you'll go there and you'll see the 18,000 people that have the same idea. And just killing each other for that chicken.

[B]

Trying to get a week's worth of chick fil a.

[A]

90 days of no water supply. There'd be marauders everywhere trying to suck your pool within 48 hours. We're soft. Nobody would try to figure it out on their own. They try to steal what's there. Those Mormons are the dumbest ones. We save water in our garage. We got loads of it. In case things go wrong. All right. You're the first one I'm shooting in the face. Then you got all the supplies.

[B]

55 gallon drum.

[A]

Yeah. Good luck getting in our house, brother. You're not gonna shoot me. I know how to fool you. Hi. I'd like to join the Church of Latter Day Saints. Come to us, brother. Kill your whole family. We just start whacking you down with.

[B]

The whistle of a pipe.

[A]

Come. Sorry, Brother Cunningham, but this was necessary. This is a good cobbler. You wouldn't start bragging about the water you had. We've got supplies for over 25 years. It's out of control now. Hey, it's John and Brett from the morning sickness. And the nightmare of the holidays are behind us. And now it's time to treat yourself. The perfect time to fresh start everything with a new system. Quality car stereo. Upgrade your ride with better sound, smarter tech and service you can trust. Whether it's CarPlay, Android audio, backup cameras, security systems, window tint, or premium audio for your cars, boats, motorcycles or UTVs. This year drives smarter and safer with Quality Car Stereo Quality Car Stereo in Mesa at the corner of Sauceman and Baseline. Make sure you check them out online at quality car stereo stereoaz.com It's Brett Vesley from Holmberg's Morning Sickness. I don't know about you but I got tons of stuff going on in my life and of course the yard seems to get neglected so I figured I need to get some help. So I hit up Divine Design Landscaping. They come out every other week and take care of everything I don't have time to do and quite frankly the stuff I don't want to do. As a matter of fact, they're coming out next week to plant a lime tree at the house, lawn care, irrigation tree work, low voltage lighting, 3D designs, patios, driveways, you name it. For the most part Divine Design Landscaping can do it. Get a free [e-mail] there's more of the best of Homburg's morning sickness guy emails Me I remember we were talking about the things we did to people's front yard, stealing gnomes and pinwheels and I had mentioned that we had taken some from a yard ceramic deer, put them in someone else's yard in a decorative way and when the people were looking for their gnomes, their gnomes had moved down the street a couple houses so they had to knock on the door and say did you steal my gnomes? Or whatever. We hoped this guy one up that this is pretty awesome. Wanted to let you know a game we used to play back in Wisconsin around Christmas called Baby Jesus Hunting. A large group of us would go out and collect the baby Jesi from the people's nativity scenes. We would write down the addresses on the baby Jesus, put them in our cars and then on Easter morning we'd put it back. Would they? I guess they would stick their seen out even without the baby Jesus. Oh yeah, if you put it out.

[B]

There, you only put it out on Christmas morning.

[A]

Yeah, you don't really for Easter dude. All the Nativity.

[B]

Yeah, you leave them out.

[A]

That's what he's saying. You steal Jesus for Christmas. Be like oh but I'm saying when.

[B]

People put up on their Christmas you don't fill the manger. You have the whole scene set up. They're just hanging out in the Manger. And then on Christmas, because we used to put. But the one in our house, we put baby Jesus out on Christmas morning.

[A]

So he stayed in the box, just.

[B]

Like the tree, you know, the 25 days of Christmas.

[A]

So how would he return it on Easter? Like, just put it, like, at their doors. Yeah. Jesus returns on Easter. Every nativity scene I've ever seen in somebody's front yard, there's a Jesus in the manger.

[B]

I know. And I always thought, take him out of there until Christmas.

[A]

Really? So you just think that they sat there, like, doing authentic stuff, going on plastic things, and then Jesus is in a box in the garage for, like, two weeks, then. That's just disrespectful. So he has, like, you know, a week or two to, you know, perform for everyone. Yeah, give him some time. I mean, we're celebrating. It's not Christmas Day. There's no reason to put up the nativity scene at all until, like, the day before with your realistic, you know, Daniel Day Lewis style of nativity scenery. Plus, they. They probably didn't just stay there forever. Yeah. Something's gonna happen.

[B]

The one we had in our front yard also, there was real people. They lived there for.

[A]

Oh, that's a little rough. And then they had to actually give birth. So. Yeah, we're about nine months out now. It's probably time to get your nativity.

[B]

Timing was a little off. A couple years. We did some C sections.

[A]

No kidding. You. You guys used to wait on the baby Jesus?

[B]

Yeah, on the inside one in the house.

[A]

What'd you do with him in the meantime?

[B]

Hid him in a drawer.

[A]

Because he's in there.

[B]

We know he's in the drawer. Right. You don't touch that drawer.

[A]

Because it's not like baby Jesus. Just mad.

[B]

Every now and then, I'd peek in.

[A]

There he is. Jesus. Is it showtime?

[B]

Soon you'll be in that.

[A]

Hello, Brady. Put me in my manger. I can't do it yet. Jesus not. Not born quite. You stay in the drawer. Have you guys been watching the Bible? I watched yesterday and I laughed hysterically.

[B]

It is so cheesy acting minutes because it's awful. And. Is this a new series or is this.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, it's a new series. It's a big deal. But now they're in the Jesus part where he's about to get crucified. And the guy playing Jesus is just. He's the worst actor I've ever seen. Chris Cornell is terrible.

[B]

That's what I said to you.

[A]

I'm like, he's gorgeous. I mean, he is gorgeous. He's like the Brad Pitt pretty blonde. No, I think she's the dirty, curly dark haired girl. I think. Yeah, but I was watching him tip the table.

[B]

Maybe that was Sarah.

[A]

Yeah. When he flipped the tables over because the money was there. You call me a dog? What are you doing? He touched that one guy's chest. They put the ear. Put the ear back on that dude. And he just stood there. I'm like, jesus, can you smile? Can you give me a giggle? Why is everything so down? This is our last meal together, friends. Kenny, come on. You're so down all the time. He wouldn't have had one friend if that's how he really was. Three of you will betray me.

[B]

You know what?

[A]

I'm gonna go to the bar. This dude is a downer. I like him. His met message is nice and all that, but I've got to give all my money to poor people. And he's always telling me we suck. You will deny me three times before tomorrow.

[B]

But then he brought me around when he washed my feet. I mean, that was.

[A]

That's a big deal.

[B]

It's cool.

[A]

He cured that dude's ear and the reaction.

[B]

And that soldier that got.

[A]

Yeah, I got his ear chopped off. When he lived by the sword. To dive a sword, he chops like soldiers. And then he stopped screaming so someone can deliver a line. Then he's back at it, and Jesus touches him. And nobody's like, nobody is converted at that moment. This dude's ears off. No, we still got to kill him. That was neat, though. I gotta tell you, that Copperfield thing was pretty cool. But the acting in it is so bad. And Jesus, absolutely stunning.

[B]

They would testify on his behalf, the Roman soldiers, you think.

[A]

Yeah, you think that they would.

[B]

Ear. And it came back.

[A]

He brought a guy back to life. I mean, touch the dude's chest.

[B]

They brought that into the. Into the trial and stuff. But. But this was all, you know, why.

[A]

Didn'T he just perform Conscious pilot. Yeah. If I'm. Look, if you're the king of kings, you can do all these miracles. I would have put on a hell of a show A lot better than that. All this subtle crap. Nonsense. And, you know, if you're that worried about, you know, spare me. Spare me all this stuff. You'd have put on some thunderous stuff. I have built the city of the future. This is a new car. You're gonna love this stuff. I've seen it all. I know everything that's gonna happen. This guy's amazing. He might be a witch, but I think I'd rather follow the witch than the guy who's left us in the bread house that all we eat is this awful tortilla shell. You're gonna make him the genie from. Yeah, yeah. Take a look over here. Gah. It's a new car. Okay. Ductin. Oh, I created it. Look, I don't know if I. I am following this one. God, do you have anything that's.

[B]

That's why I wash his hands. It's like, look, I can't put this guy away.

[A]

No, no, I'll give him to you guys. He still killed him, though. You. You put that guy, you know, on a stage. The whole point of it is that they made a mistake, right? That's the whole point of the things, like, he died and they didn't pull.

[B]

They didn't make a mistake.

[A]

Yeah, they did. They could have made him a show. He would have been the best entertainer of all time.

[B]

He could have had that option.

[A]

Welcome. Jesus Christ. All right, everybody watch this and imagine. We wouldn't have that, you know, sad crucifix thing. We'd have, like, a picture of Jesus around our neck doing cool things. Will you cure us of disease, Jesus? Some of you. But watch this. This is a light bulb that's coming in about 1700 years. You're gonna love it. Oh, that's really neat. Do we get one? No, I'm just showing you this stuff from the future so you don't kill me. He was a showman.

[B]

Speed it up.

[A]

But you know why? It's because he was. He was kind of like, you know that one friend everybody has that they like, but he's not. He's got no personality. Like, he enjoys company, but he's got no personality. So he had no stage presence. Jesus had no stage presence. For you. That was the big. Well, yeah, just in that show. I'm not gonna say the real. Just. Oh, we don't know if he may have had some. The way they're presenting him, the way they're.

[B]

Leave a story this long. Yeah.

[A]

Somebody that cool with that many, you know, magical gifts should have been on stage somewhere. So he just. He didn't. He didn't Q score with the audience. What I don't understand is why do, like, other religions go by our calendar, like, 2013? I've wondered that about the Japanese, especially, because theirs was on thousands of years. Or the Asians. Why does everybody, like, why do Buddhists? Why do Muslims? Why for business. Why do even Jews do it? I mean, he was just a prophet to them. For business, it's all business. It's all money. Because we, you know, the Western came down. The business.

[B]

The power too. Because the Roman Empire is probably the. For a while and then for. I think the. Early on, maybe the Chinese had something going on, a couple of their dynasties.

[A]

But so everybody just said, all right, we'll just make this zero. Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Well, there was one. Who was it? August. One of the. Augustus decided, hey, my birthday. I want to add a day. Or was it a month?

[A]

I think that was before Jesus, though. I think that was BC time. They still had the.

[B]

It was. But he. But they changed calendar then.

[A]

But like, the Chinese still celebrate their Chinese New Year. But I remember this now. We don't do it anymore. We still celebrate it. We'll go to Vegas and stuff. But we still have to go by Jesus time. Yeah. Why do you. They're on Jesus time ad. Yep. Why would they use the ad after death of what? Who? That guy. That guy. I never liked him. I never went. He never went on stage. And he didn't give us any, like, memorable moments, really, as. As our culture seems. Why is a Buddhist ad. Yeah, it's a great point, Brady.

[B]

He just didn't have the impact that Jesus did.

[A]

Buddha. Buddha, yeah. He's selling jeans.

[B]

He did smile, but I think people, again, were snobby and they're like, look, Jesus is a little more fit if it wasn't. That's true.

[A]

The thing I liked about Buddha is that he's still smiling. You know, he basically lost his job and he's still smiling.

[B]

And they never. I don't think they put. Is Buddha more of a prophet? I mean, of course, other religions look at Jesus as a prophet, and Christianity look at.

[A]

But why is he the man, like, even. Even Jewish to me, like, why. Why would you go by that? Buddhism's even weirder than Jesusism, so I'm out on both of them. But I like that. Buddha lost his job. He's off. I got it. I don't care. I go sell jeans. He's a lucky jeans guy. He's a spokesman, though. You get a job. He had a job as a. The face of a company. You imagine in other countries. We went over there and Jesus was on their lucky brand jeans. Oh, cool. Or you get to rub the Buddha. When you go into casinos and stuff. The Aria has a big Buddha there. Everybody rubs. It's like one with the Jesus. Rub the Jesus for luck. Arizona's most powerful rock. It's out of control.

[B]

Now.

[A]

If you're shopping while working, eating, or even listening to this podcast, then you know and love the thrill of a deal. But are you getting the deal and cash back? Rakuten shoppers do they get the brands they love? Savings and cash back. And you can get it too. Start getting cash back at your favorite stores like Target, Sephora, and even Expedia. Stack sales on top of cash back and feel what it's like to know you're maximizing the savings. It's easy to use and you get your cash back sent to you through PayPal or check. The idea is simple. Stores pay Rakuten for sending them shoppers, and Rakuten shares the money with you as cash back. Download the free Rakuten app or go to rakuten.com to start saving today. It's the most rewarding way to shop. That's R a K u t e n rakuten.com Goodbye New Year, New you. This season, Ollie is here to help you embrace a slower pace. The kind where you cozy up at home with your dog tucked right beside you. After the holiday rush and all the spending, you're probably craving those quieter moments, soft blankets, a comfy couch, and the kind of emotional reset that only happens when you're curled up with your pup. Spending intentional time with your dog isn't just comforting, it's proven to support your mood, reduce stress, and help you feel more present during the winter slowdown. If you're leaning into that slower, more intentional rhythm, Ollie can help support it with fresh human grade food, slow cooked recipes, tailored meal plans, and an app that lets you tap real experts whenever you need peace of mind. Visit ali.comwondery and use code wondery for 60% off your first box. It's the best of Homburg's Morning Sickness. I'm 98 KUPD. It's time now for Brady to do Brady. It's on you to do the Sorry Brady Report brought to you by our friends at All Pro Shade. They make shade. Ask them about it. AllProChade.com Brady Report it good Tuesday morning to you, Phoenix.

[B]

Hello world. Well, again, every year we remind you 259 years ago in 1755, the famous Cherokee Indian chief Groundhog sausage what? Sold what would have been the state of Kentucky to the Transylvania Land Company for 50 grand.

[A]

What do you suppose he was known for?

[B]

Think about that.

[A]

It's a vegetarian. Is that just maybe like a translation that got screwed up? Yeah, and bounced back to three times. I am Greedy Eagle Warrior known as eagle talent.

[B]

And you're going the whole way. It's been modified. Eric, the interpretation. Everyone thinks it's like, oh, he's known for making something I know for little.

[A]

Yeah, it was the same guy. The same guy that was translating Obama's speech at Mandela's funeral. Did he just say the man is groundhog sausage? Yeah, he says, God bless you all. Happy St. Patrick's Day. From groundhog sausage. That's some a hole racist white guy translating that. There's no way.

[B]

And it's still.

[A]

Yeah, there is no way that's groundhog. His name was Groundhog Sauce, but it stuck because whitey had the pen. You have written his name incorrectly. Their great Chief Groundhog Sauce. We tell you, Chief Great Eagle Tag island is not named Groundhog Sausage. That's what I got out of it. I know your language better than you. Hey, and Billy gonna ruin everything.

[B]

Every British king or queen has a second birthday assigned to them.

[A]

That's the first time, by the way, that you heard on the trip. I need a drink. That's when it starts. When it starts.

[B]

259 years ago.

[A]

Can't tell my age. Village John. I need a drink. Groundhog sausage. What a dick.

[B]

Mug shot of the day belongs to Michael Wolfer of Hermiston, Oregon. He was arrested after allegedly punching and choking his wife in front of three children. When the cops arrested him, he was wearing a T shirt that said, she's kind of a.

[A]

It's tough to have $11,000 bond novelty joke tea in your mug shot of when you just slugged your wife.

[B]

All right, that's enough. The shot, please.

[A]

Have to pull the mug shot. At least ask the cops if you could change the shirt. This is just an awful coincidence. Yeah, right. Look, I know the shirt's hilarious if I'm not hitting a chick. Well, it goes back to your theory. Just judge them on a. Oh, judge him immediately. By appearance, she's kind of a Sluts of funny shirt, but immediately. You know something, right? With this dude, he's gonna hit her.

[B]

Monster Jam's coming into town, and maybe if you get a chance to win tickets or you buy some tickets.

[A]

Now, keep in mind, if this turns back into an analingus story, we're in trouble.

[B]

No, you might run into this. This happened at the monster truck rally in Georgia. Guy was out there doing some reporting for cmt runs into this.

[A]

Reporting?

[B]

Yeah, CMT runs into this lovely lady at the monster trucks.

[A]

CMT reporter Cletus something or other. What are we doing a video?

[B]

It's a radio video.

[A]

Oh, man.

[B]

You didn't tell me.

[A]

I was like, I was waiting for the. Waiting for the end of this. I was getting excited. All right, here we go. CMT reporter at a Monster Jam runs.

[B]

Into a lady there enjoying the event.

[A]

Why is monster truck racing such a good time? Because it's is bad, honey. I have a man who has five kids together. You have five kids? Well, I don't, but me and man together do. And he has a dad truck and his dad truck is a mushroom truck at home. Mushroom. Your guy's a monster truck at home? Oh, yes. Right over here in Georgia. We monster truck it up. And how is that how he got you? He showed you his monster truck? Oh, no, I got him. I said I'll do. Right here in front of everybody.

[B]

What?

[A]

How did you hook up your man the first time? Well, funny story.

[B]

We dated cousins in Raven County, Georgia.

[A]

You dated each other's cousins? Yes, we date each other's cousins. No difference. I thought it's a cutie pie.

[B]

Obviously we were in delusional.

[A]

You know, everyone has their mom in love. No, we were in love. Then we didn't know each other. Then we got like. And I'm on TV right now. I'm telling him our whole story. We banged each other, but not each other. We banged each other's others. How did you finally know you love this man? Because he's just like me. He accepts what I do and I love his butt. And we. We what? Cmt. We do everything. We have a. We have all the Montana log homes.

[B]

On the east side.

[A]

This is all. Your interview is mine. Okay. What's really odd about it is she's attractive. She's not that bad looking. No, the meth is doing the damage right now. But about five years ago, that girl was going to get out of.

[B]

She's got a good training program going right now.

[A]

I'm going to leave Holler Georgia someday. My God. How messed up was she? Try this pill. This is awesome. I'm staying in Holler.

[B]

The second radio video.

[A]

There's a second?

[B]

Yeah. At Monster Jam.

[A]

How is that the lead one?

[B]

This is a pastor at a Baptist church.

[A]

This better be a squirrel doing cartwheels.

[B]

In front of Jesus and hasBrouck Heights, New Jersey.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

He's in trouble over a recent sermon where he bragged about that he once assaulted a kid. He says the kid was being a smart ass and not taking God seriously.

[A]

So he's beaten for it.

[B]

So he punched him in the chest. Now here's the Thing they play the part of the sermon. The guy does come back and say they didn't finish the rest of the sermon. Where I said right.

[A]

The best part is.

[B]

But listen to when he tells the story at first.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Man in Calgary.

[A]

His name was Ben. And I was running youth group. I was there for a few years. And he was just.

[B]

He was a nice kid.

[A]

But he was one of those kids that was always just.

[B]

He's a real smart ass.

[A]

Alec was just, was. Was a bright kid. Which didn't help things. Right. Made him more dangerous. And we were outside one day youth group and he was just. Just trying to push my buttons.

[B]

And he was just, you know, kind.

[A]

Of not taking the Lord serious. And I walked over to him and I went bam. I punched him in the chest as hard as I. I crumpled the kid.

[B]

I just crumpled him.

[A]

And I said it's part of God's plan.

[B]

I leaned over and I said, Ben.

[A]

When are you going to stop playing games with God? I led that man to the Lord right there. There's three. Dude. You beat it into him. Good Lord. I'd listen to you for a couple more hours.

[B]

He left out the part. If you want more broken ribs, better accept the Lord Jesus. Right?

[A]

I love that. Part of God's plan is to get knocked out by a pastor. You should bring that up at the Seastone, Brady. Maybe they could try that. Hey, this guy. Guy's not taking God seriously. Can I put one through his chest? Yes brother. Go. By all means. Hey, jackass. Oops. The Lord is upon you. Spit on him first and then you hit him. There. The God is in you. Now shut up. That's old school there. That's. You know, that is the way it used to be. Hey, I'll tell you right now, that's the biblical way to do it. And I'm. I admire that more than this. Sorry, Brady. The Seastone way of having pie throwing cornerstones.

[B]

John.

[A]

That's right. And celebrities and pie throwing contests and Michael Irvin getting $25,000. Come tell everybody how awesome he is. Pick up your swords again. Yeah. Punch folks who start questioning your belief system. That's what God intended it. Read the book. Crusades part. Anyone who denies me shall be killed. Old school. Any kid who's screwing around with me should be punched in the heart in the solar plexus, thereby losing air for just a few seconds by my plan.

[B]

So you don't believe in God? Hey, look over there.

[A]

What happened? An atheist. Eh? That's not air. Trying to get out of You. That's demons. Quit it. That'll make atheists think twice when they walk by the church. God bless you, my son. Oh, I don't believe in him. Knocking the wind out of you for.

[B]

The Lord.

[A]

Just punched me. Part of God's plan. Pastor Bob's gonna hit you.

[B]

Meet our new. For our new pastor, George Foreman Herman.

[A]

He's a powerful hard punch of a God. I have a buddy in my house for hamburgers.

[B]

14 year old kid in Missouri spent 15 minutes underwater after he fell through the ice. He was on a lake. The doctors did CPR for 45 minutes before they called his mom into the room to say goodbye. She started praying. A few seconds later, his heart started beating again. Miracle hypothermia. And he didn't even suffer brain damage.

[A]

Damage. Wow. So God got involved there and fixed him instead of just making the ice more sturdy. Cold water did it.

[B]

Seen this?

[A]

Yeah. It slows your way down, right?

[B]

Slowing him down. But he was underwater for 15 minutes. That's pretty amazing propaganda.

[A]

It is propaganda because I don't, I don't fall for it blindly. I ask why wasn't he there when the ice broke? Why didn't he just. If he was going to save him eventual anyway, why not just lift him out? Magic. And put him back on land?

[B]

Exactly. Make him float to the top.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. And who did the. Who did she pray to? Brady. You didn't know which one. Exactly. There's more than. What if it was Allah? Oh my God.

[B]

Joyce started praying and yelling, God, please don't take my son. So I'm going to assume it's the.

[A]

Allah you're gonna say the old guy, the big G. The big G? What? Galileo? Right.

[B]

If that's your big G, then not.

[A]

My big G. I think we. I think the guy before was fooling around with a big G and he ended up in jail.

[B]

No, that was a little G. Oh, okay. What happens if he gets multiple calls?

[A]

Oh man, he's gonna multitask. Thanks for calling God. Please hold.

[B]

Thanks for calling. Yeah.

[A]

Then why isn't everyone always safe from prayers?

[B]

Guys? You know, you keep questioning it, you should try it sometimes. Try and go jump in the. The lake.

[A]

Okay. Yeah. See that?

[B]

Toledo. Yeah, that would be a good idea.

[A]

Yeah. All right, boys, we're gonna test out the God theory today. And here we go. Everybody pray. It's not working. There he goes. Look how deep he's getting.

[B]

When does it happen?

[A]

Is he supposed to get out? Relax. As long as there's bubbles, we're fine.

[B]

Oh, no more bubbles. Danny says there'll soon be a book and a movie coming out. I survived the. The ice and saw heaven.

[A]

Yeah. Allah's the Arabic word for God. Yeah, Arabic word for God. That's the Arabic or Arabic G. Yeah.

[B]

It'S the same God.

[A]

So it could have been.

[B]

Oh, God. Don't you say that. We're gonna get.

[A]

No kidding. Don't do that. You might as well have just drawn a picture of Muhammad or. What is his name?

[B]

Mala.

[A]

Was that the one? You can't really.

[B]

Hebdo.

[A]

I'm gonna start calling you that. Yeah, you can't draw Mahal, man. And don't ever suggest that again. I'll punch you in the face so much. Try it, for God's sakes. No, I'm not getting any ice cold water.

[B]

Another lady who's an arsonist set fire to an apartment complex. The fire engines came out, put the fire out. Ten hours later, she set it back on fire. This time it worked. She burnt the complex down. It leaves 12 people looking for new digs.

[A]

No one got a small fire. And they put that out?

[B]

Yeah, they put it out. She went back again, started again. This time succeeded. Just the reason why she's in her name. Her Last name is McBurney.

[A]

But is that. But she starts Jackie McBurney. So she starts a small fire. They put it out. All right, that's enough. No investigation necessary. Put it right back.

[B]

Minor damages.

[A]

And they stuff her right back in there. And she does it again.

[B]

Well, they don't catch her the first time. They just put out the fire. There's a small fire.

[A]

They put it out, but nobody looked into it. It was just.

[B]

No. Could have been, you know, started by the trash can or.

[A]

But that. You know how you. You'd know that is if you had an investigation of why the apartment building caught on fire now you would.

[B]

Yeah, but they. They have her. She's currently in the Andra Scoggin County Jail.

[A]

Morning sickness. Hear the words you say sometimes. I mean, who talks like that? 98 Hol's. Morning sickness. Names very important. If you're a McBurney and you're treated poorly, you're going to show people how McBurney you are.

[B]

Harold Ham is the chief executive.

[A]

Harry Ham.

[B]

Harry Ham.

[A]

This. This whole brayer ports McBurney and not.

[B]

Making this one up. He's the CEO of an oil drilling company, Continental Resources. He's got a bitter divorce going on. He's trying to close this deal. Let's get on. All right. It's not working out. His ex wife, Sue Ann Ham. Suanne Ham. But she's taking her maiden name, Arnold. It's Sue Ann Arnall. He wrote her a check. Clear it up. Let's just, you know, here's what you're gonna get.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Here's your check. Wrote her check for 900 and almost 75 million dollars. Here's a copy of the check. She denied it.

[A]

She doesn't want this. Once more.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

974,000,793,17.

[B]

Here's Harry. There's a picture of Harry Ham and the ex wife. He's the CEO of the company. She's like, that's not enough. What?

[A]

How much is he?

[B]

Because 18 billion.

[A]

Oh, that's not enough.

[B]

They've been married for 26 years.

[A]

I don't know though. I'd have a hard time. It's a tough check to say no. Yeah, because you just. Then you don't have to deal with the court.

[B]

Harry already paid his former wife more than 20 million during the proceedings. So she's already gotten 20 million mil.

[A]

Check's amazing. Look at. It's from the Harry Ham trust and the Harry Ham trustees. Yeah, I think I just take that they're going to. It's a tough check to say no to.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Of course you can get. Imagine writing that somebody's telling her you can get at least 3 billion. Yeah, but didn't I know there's so much of.

[B]

She's got some lawyers and if the lawyers see, you know, imagine their cut. There's like. That's pretty good. Yeah, but imagine our cut on 3 billion or 9 billion.

[A]

Well, she's not gonna get half of 18 billion. She might.

[B]

There's no.

[A]

That's a tough one.

[B]

Not nupped. I don't think.

[A]

If he's unnupped, he's an idiot. Oil man Harry Ham is gonna pay 9 billion to get rid of a woman. Like in. In real estate, you. When you sell a house, you always try to go like at a certain number where it pops up in search.

[B]

Imagine.

[A]

Yeah, like. Like instead of, you know, 149 or 150,000, you do 149. Right, right. So why wouldn't he just go 1 billion or 9, 9, 9, 9, 9. Well, now that would like you go to the 1 billion you have because it looks bigger. It does look big. Billion after it instead of the 9 million 700. That's like what gas stations do. Gas is $2, 19 and 9, 10 cents. Because they don't want to put a 20 up there. Right. So? Well, I mean, he offered 974 million. Just go to the billion. Yeah, just give her a billion. You're right. Because you got 18 billion, you got another 25 million in your pocket. Throw it on there. Eric's right. You go 1 billion, it's. But that's a tough check to turn down. I'm thinking 1 billion's a lot harder.

[B]

I'm thinking about check that way that means he's done a formula, he's worked it out, and this is what I think is a fair deal for you.

[A]

Right. Which means that the formula.

[B]

Because she doesn't know necessarily. You know, there's rumors saying that he's got to be worth at least 18 billion, but you don't have that on.

[A]

I just see him writing that chick and seven to seven cents, Ham has spoken. Maybe that 77 cents is what broke the deal. Like she wanted 80 cents.

[B]

Yeah. Round it up.

[A]

Why is she back at my do again? Oh, Harry Ham ain't happy with this.

[B]

Me?

[A]

What's she doing here?

[B]

This is Ham Hawk.

[A]

Why? Harry Ham is giving her a check for nearly a billion dollars. She got to go. Hey, I'm going crazy. Oh, my name is Harry Ham. Things have not worked out as I planned. Even with 18 billion, it's still tough names. I can see him leading the.

[B]

There's always like nine or ten people following Harry Ham. Just like a javelina. There's always one coming out.

[A]

More hands. Yeah, more little piggies. All right, children, gather around. Your father has to ride your mother. Check. It's going to be uncomfortable around here.

[B]

Well, you decide. I'm going to root around here.

[A]

We're going to have to cut back in the Ham household. $18 billion, and he's still just Harry Ham and Sue Ham.

[B]

There's a website called. Called the Reincarnation Machine. Helps you figure out who you might have been in past. In the past life.

[A]

You must hate this.

[B]

You enter your birthday and it finds a prominent person who died right before you and before you were born. So if you.

[A]

Brady, why do we do these stories? Really?

[B]

It's God, by the way, I put my birthday in.

[A]

Oh, it's just an Internet thing that says who you are. You were Constantine Murray.

[B]

It goes all the way back. And then, you know, you're a rabbit for 30 days. Then you were someone else.

[A]

Hippolyte. 30 days is all you had, huh? So you.

[B]

Well, then it said I might have been a centipede for three days. Then I was another person.

[A]

I like that at one point, Brady, you were Anthony Van Dyck. I think that's about right. Everyone you are. Other than when they tell you you were a centipede.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is someone of note.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Because you gotta find the Internet.

[B]

And I think it must go.

[A]

Anna of Saxony.

[B]

I was eventually emperor.

[A]

Court of Nevers. Man. Thomas Fitz Allen. Oh. It was never just random dude. The sixth. No, you can't be random dude. It's got to find it on the Internet. Random dude doesn't exist unless they just go through. Through Facebook. To all the people who've passed away. Homeless guy. John Doe Otto. The first Holy Roman Emperor. That sounds about right. Leo VI the Wise. And Rock Hudson.

[B]

Toledo was a wall.

[A]

Toledo. Toledo has somehow been reincarnated from inanimate.

[B]

And then he was. He was toast for 4, 40 years.

[A]

You were a rug at King Tutton Commons. Caught you a flower vase. You were glasses once. You were nothing. Don't even know how you came back from that one.

[B]

Eric was old Tom Jameson.

[A]

All right. Eric. You were Bill. You were Bill Kenny up until the year you died. Like the day after. The day he died was the day you were born. He's an American singer best known for his role as a tenor in the Ink Spots. Ah, sweet. Started his solo career in recording of It's. It is no Secret. Was a hit on the pop charts in 66. He was the star of the Bill Kenny show which aired in Canada. I think that makes sense. In 1989, 11 years after his death. Bill Kenny. You. Eric was inducted into the Rock and Roll hall of Fame. He's known as being the godfather of doo wop. And you were known as the godfather of do nothing. And Brady's the godfather of donuts. Bill Kinney. All right. Interesting. I like it. Find out who I was last. This is great stuff. Cause it's all just absolute horse fun.

[B]

Here's a little something. If you are into the handguns and stuff. The world's smallest working gun. 2.34 millimeter.

[A]

I don't want to risk that. I think that'll blow up in my hand.

[B]

Check this sweet ride out.

[A]

How do you shoot this thing?

[B]

And what is on a keychain? What? And there's a little tiny bullet.

[A]

Bullet. Which would cause the assailant to go. Stop it.

[B]

Guys. Armed heavily.

[A]

It's adorable.

[B]

There's all the working parts.

[A]

So it does work.

[B]

It's. Oh yeah.

[A]

Firing. And it's got to be impossible with a finger because you can't.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Putting the pull string around it and pull It. That's a tiny little gun. Perfect for people with tiny little hands. Here's mine. Here's what I was recarding it in Hitler. You're gonna love this. It was Hitler. He died on July 24, 1972. I was born the 26th. Is this accurate or did you put the wrong day? All right. Lance Revin Reventlo. Born Lawrence Graff von Hogowitz Hardenberg Reventlow, a wealthy playboy entrepreneur and racing driver. Reventlo is the only child of Woolworth heiress Barbara Hutton and her second husband, Count Court von Hogwitz Hardenberg Rentvello.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

Hell. And the steps. Stepson of actor Cary Grant and Prince Igor Trablochki.

[B]

Course.

[A]

Well, that explains all my snobbery.

[B]

Well, keep going. Down you go. It goes deep.

[A]

I'm the heir of Woolworth.

[B]

Then you'll be a rat for 30 days.

[A]

No Albert Richie in between.

[B]

It says there's a little line.

[A]

This is, you were never a rat. Says you were never a rat. You're too good for that. It says ghost anything. Charles Kettering. I know that guy. He's an inventor. There's a reason. You know, he founded Delco. Because you were him.

[B]

Kettering Ohio.

[A]

And he founded Kettering Ohio. Well, I was him a lot. This is the fourth time I've been Charles Kettering on this list. Your computer might be the worst thing I've ever touched. This is a Commodore. These are much better than this. All right. I'm nothing but Charles F. Kettering. Over and over, over again.

[B]

I don't know what happened.

[A]

That's it. Before that, you were nothing. Never a rat. That's fun. Yeah, that is kind of fun. I like that. I'm the heir. I like my. I like my old name better. Got a lot of names. I like Von. Von, blah, blah, blah. Also the Godfather of Doo Wop. No. Yeah. No. That's me. It's a long battle. A long standing battle. Battle between your guy and my guy. Who the real. Back off. The Godfather of Doo Wop is. It's the two families of Doo Wop. I wonder if I go to the Rock and Roll hall of Fame and get him for free because I used to be that guy. Why not? Look at this. It says right here with a shot.

[B]

That's why I printed it out when I go to Italy via the power of the Internet to my old throne.

[A]

Yeah, you were Otto the First, then a rat.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You were animals. We weren't animals.

[B]

That.

[A]

Maybe that's why you're so fascinated with. With animal dicks.

[B]

I'm telling you that you in your other lives, when you go for Brady, just. Oh yeah.

[A]

No, no, Toledo. It said on mine you were never a rat only and jerks were rats.

[B]

Let's see, in between bugs. Before that it says after Hippolyte tame.

[A]

Hippolyte was a great rapper of the third century.

[B]

Historian, French critic and historian. Before that, you swam as a trout for four days. After your life as a trout, you're James Edward Smith.

[A]

Welcome to the stage.

[B]

I crept around for 31 days.

[A]

I'm Hippolyte. I hate malaria, but I got it. It's scary. Oh, he's dead. He's dead. And look, he's a centipede. Now this is Brady's fascination with 80s rap. Yeah, that's it, Hippolyte.

[B]

I was a house fly for a day man. Centipede for three days. Then I was Charles and Barry Williams.

[A]

Your lives sucked.

[B]

Well, you gotta. Before you find a actual human vessel. You go.

[A]

Not me. Said no to me. Said you were always people.

[B]

After I was Anna of Saxony.

[A]

Look at him fighting with me about this.

[B]

I floated around some algae for 14 days.

[A]

Yeah, that makes sense. That's where your hair is. See that swamp over there? That's where you're from. I'm Hippolyte and I'm looking for a Hippolyte Dane to be my lady. As we walk in the darkness with the poop filled street.

[B]

Hip hip hip.

[A]

A light walking around in the third century. I wish guns were invented. Cause I'd shoot a in the face. What in the world is a anyway? We haven't invented that term yet, have we? You'll see.

[B]

Whatever term for skeet.

[A]

I used to be a rat. And some algae. In the future I'm gonna be a little woman newswoman. What? I'm a boy. See?

[B]

From caterpillar to kill it.

[A]

Caterpillar to killer. I like that. Toledo. Well done. I used to be a wall. What's that website again? Toledo's life. Probably pre. Like all fast.

[B]

Reincarnation machine.

[A]

Reincarnation machine. Your life was probably amazing. You like? This is the dumb one. This is you as a caterpillar. Like all the other one. Like you were a great spokesman and singer and poet. I got all this. All these things to say that were awesome.

[B]

Noah.

[A]

And now this. He was Noah. You were chosen. You were Jesus Christ. You were Noah. Now you're this. Sorry. We'll get it right next time. It's out of control now. The best of Homburg's morning sickness. Despite his lawyers and experts Every bit of everybody telling him not to be. And he stands right here. It's a new game. Alec Baldwin's Fill in the Blanks is coming here now. And ladies and gentlemen, your host of Alec Baldwin's Fill in the blanks, Mr. Alec Baldwin. Alec, come on in. The gun just went off. There's nothing I could do. You asked if I have a God complex. I am God. Brady, good to see you.

[B]

You had a good interview the other night.

[A]

How you doing? I didn't do it. I don't know what you're talking about. It's time now for Alec Baldwin's Fill in the Blanks. Listen here, Lemon. I didn't do it. That's not funny. I'll give you a quote, you fill in the blanks. Brady, are you ready?

[B]

Ready?

[A]

If I said to you, Brady, music's so loud. If I said to you, Brady, I didn't pull the blank, and the quote was from Alec Baldwin, the answer would be Trigger. Trigger is correct. That's all we're looking for.

[B]

Or hammer. Right. Hammer.

[A]

Simple. Great game. Welcome. Now, let's get on the phone.

[B]

See, we've got.

[A]

Oh, John is on the line. John, are you there? I'm here, John. Welcome to Alec Baldin's Fill in the Blanks. Are you ready?

[B]

I am.

[A]

It's kind of hard to hear you. Oh, that's why I. Here we go. How about now? Is that better? Sometimes it's hard to hear me because there's a lot of gunplay going on around me. Here we are. Fill in the blanks. Speak blank and carry a big steak. Sorry. Try it again. I said steak. Oh, my God. I've made another error. People die when I make me hungry.

[B]

Out.

[A]

All right, here we go. Try this one. I'll do a different one then. Oh, Jesus, a commercial. Oh, sorry about that. Give me blank or give me blank. Patrick Henry, Fill in the blank. Give me. Give me liberty or give me death. Correct. That's right. Good job. Number two. Mr. Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this blank. Mr. Gorbach.

[B]

Wall.

[A]

Wall is correct. That's two. One more. Bill Murray said this in Ghostbusters. It's blank. This man has no blank. Fill in the blanks. It's blank. This man has no blank. Bill Murray, Ghostbusters, the office with the mayor. I remember this. I don't remember that scene. It's. It's blank. This man has no blank. It's time is running out. This man has no plan. Ready? It's time we ended this time. This man has no Life. Incorrect. I'm sorry. We have to get rid of this man right here. Sorry about that. Goodbye. It's true. This man has no dick.

[B]

Great line.

[A]

Great line. Let's try another one. PSA with sage brush. Are you there? PSA with sagebrush. You're on the line. Yes, this is Michael. Michael, how are you this morning? I'm sorry. Great. Fill in the blanks.

[B]

It's a Boston in a basket.

[A]

I think this man might be high. Calling in again.

[B]

Get it right.

[A]

Fill in the blank. I love that. I love that. Quiet down, stoner.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Fill in the blank from Revenge of the Nerds as spoken by Booker. What the F is a blank? Oh, I didn't even watch that movie. I'm sorry. No one's gonna complain. Oops, it went off. We were looking for the word frosh. What the F is a frosh? Kind of weedy. Hasn't seen that.

[B]

Yeah, I don't believe him.

[A]

All right, let's go to this one. Hi there. What's your name? Hello. Scott. Scott. Welcome to Alec Baldwin's Fill in the Blanks. Are you ready? I'm absolutely right. This was spoken by Adolf Hitler. I don't see much future for the blanks. It's a decayed blank. Jew and race. Incorrect.

[B]

Took a shot.

[A]

Actually, we were looking for the word Americans and country. All right, let's get rid of him too. Let's try again. Christopher, are you there? Hello? Hello? Welcome to Alec Baldwin's Fill in the Blanks. Christopher, are you ready? I am ready. All right, here we go. Also spoken by Adolf Hitler. Everything about the behavior of a blank society reveals that it's half judist. The other half. I'll just stop there. Everything about the behavior of a blank society reveals that it's half Judas. A blank society or Jew. W D Judaised. Oh, man. Everything about the behavior of a blank society reveals it's half Judas. Spoken by Hitler. Pretty soon. Land decaying society. Incorrect. Yeah, we're looking for Jews. Jews.

[B]

You're just one question too.

[A]

The last guy got that one right. I'm sorry, we have to let you go now. Sorry. Goodbye. Next caller. Michael, are you there? Big sexy. Big sexy. Welcome to Alec Baldwin's Fill in the Blanks. Are you ready? Yes, sir. All right, here we go. I'm a mushka. I can't read this one. I'm a blank laying mother effer. Mother effer. Get ready. I'm spoken by Samuel Jackson. I'm a blank laying. I'm a blank. Blank laying mother Effort Mother effort well delivered by him. Wonderful movie. Sam Jackson. I'm a big black. Sorry. Mushroom cloud. We were looking for mushroom cloud. The answer, big black, not acceptable.

[B]

Not this time.

[A]

I don't know that your listeners are understanding anything. Let's try another one. All right, let's try this next one here. Okay. Alan is there. Let's go with the better one. That's terrible. Oh, he's got his thing right. Alan, are you there?

[B]

I am here.

[A]

Welcome to Alec Baldwin's Fill in the Blanks. Are you ready? I am ready. All right, let's try this. Hang on. I got a good one here. How about this one? Ask not what you can do for your blank but what your blank can do for your blank. That's not what you can do for your country. Ask what your country can do for you. That's exactly right. We got one right. Good for you. And then your head will come. All right. From the movie Risky Business. I don't believe this. I've got a trig midterm tomorrow and I'm being chased by blank. The killer blank. Risky business. Can I. Can I use a lifeline for Brett? Because I've never seen that movie. All right, I'll give you this. I'll give you one of the blanks. It's Guido, an ex blank. You're on your own. I don't believe this. I've got a trigger. I don't know. When in doubt, your audience goes to racism. Guido, the killer pimp is what we were looking for. Sorry about that. Brett's liking this too much. Alec Baldwin's Fill in the Blanks has turned into a big race ride. Brian is there. Brian, are you ready? Yes. Good luck to you, Brian. We're all counting on you. This goes back to Hitler again.

[B]

You're asking for it.

[A]

I'll skip Hitler this time.

[B]

This time for the holidays.

[A]

The writer of Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller. I'm a bit mentally blank, like most Americans. Exactly right. That's right. Variation of the word. Well done. Let's try another one here. Benjamin Franklin once said, diligence is the mother blank of good luck. Diligence is the mother blank of good luck. Mother Teresa. She wasn't alive in front. That was his Aunt Superior. All right, thank you. Goodbye. I have to let you go. Printing up fresh quotes. Printed a thousand blank pages. Blank pages. Hate the blank pages.

[B]

Oh, that's the worst.

[A]

Nothing worse than a blank page. You think they're full of something. And they're full of. They're full of something. Else.

[B]

And some pictures came out.

[A]

Photos, crime scene. I hate those two. These are amazing. All right, thank you. Who's this?

[B]

We got them lined up.

[A]

All right. We got them on the phone, but I can't reach the phone from here. So we have talked amongst ourselves. How are you, Brady?

[B]

Good.

[A]

Hey, will you hold this for me? Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. What has happened? It's a terrible thing. We're out of printer paper. Remember when we had a producer?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Now Brett's doing it all. He's fast. Tell me, Brady, did you like 30 Rock?

[B]

That was a big fan.

[A]

It's a great show.

[B]

Yeah, very fun.

[A]

Nothing better than Liz Lemon when she had a party. A lemon party is the best party you can attend. I think Heard that before. Let's go to the phone. If you can organize a lemon party, I'm all in. On the line is Russ. Russ is online one. Let's go there. Russ, are you there? Yeah. Welcome to Alec B's. Fill in the Blanks. Are you ready? Yeah. You sound like an intelligent man. Are you? Sort of. Yes.

[B]

Rust is his name.

[A]

Rust. Rust. Oh, my God, it's Rust. It's Rust from the. I know who Rust is. You're here for me.

[B]

Who wins?

[A]

I can't even hear the word. All right, Rust, here we go. I'm in a new movie called Rust. Eventually it'll come out. We've got some things to fix up. We still have some film to shoot. Oh, my God. I said it again. Ah, that's my ass. Consider yourself lucky it hit you in the ass. Normally, I'm point blank. Right on. Here we go. These are brutal. All right, here we go. All right. I'm trying to find a good one for you. All right, here we go. These are all hilarious. All right, from the movie Stripes. The question now, either are you. Sorry again now, are either of you homosexuals? Then he answers with, you mean like blank? Or. Are either of you homosexuals? You mean like blank? Or are you gay? Incorrect. Classic movie stripes. The word we're looking for was flaming. I'm sorry. We have to let you go. You took a shot. Let's go to Pat on line two. Are you ready, Pat? Yes, sir. Are you ready to play Alec Baldwin's Fill in the Blanks? I will fill the blank. All right. Good luck. Blank rang out like a bell. I grabbed my blank, all I heard was blank. The Great Vanilla Ice. Oh, no. Blank rang out like a bell. I grabbed my blank, all I heard was blank.

[B]

Rolling.

[A]

I got nothing. Take a shot. I did all right. The shot rang out like a bell and I. I grabbed my gun and we fled. Oh, close. That's exactly what I did. That sounds like my day, but no, that's not right. Sorry. Blank rang out like a bell. I grabbed my blank. All I heard was blank.

[B]

Brady shells.

[A]

That's right. I grabbed my blank. My nine. That's right. Everyone knows. All right, final one. We'll get two more. Robert, are you there? Yes, I am. Welcome to Alec Baldwin's Fill in the Blanks. Good luck. This is from Abraham Lincoln. Four blank. And seven years ago, our fathers brought forth upon this blank a new blank. You get all three and you win the prize. Four blank. And seven years ago, our fathers brought forth upon this blank a new blank on this continent, a new nation. Four blank. And seven years ago. And you got it dedicated to. You're missing the first blank. You're just reading the Gettysburg Address now. All you're doing is reading the Gettysburg Address. Give me the first one. Four blank. Seven years ago, our fathers brought forth upon this blank a new blank upon this continent. Yes, you've got that. Four blank. Seven years ago. Four scores. Finally. It would be like Brady trying to read the Gettysburg Address. The words not in order don't matter.

[B]

What'd you put here? Scores.

[A]

All right, we'll give him prizes. Hold on a second. Robert, you got one. Nice job. Robert is also Santa Claus. I don't know if you know that. He's a grown man who laughs exactly like Santa. All right, final one. Slater from Saved by the Bell. How are you, Slater? I'm good. How are you? Good. No. Well, I've been better. I'll be honest. All right, here we go. Alec Baldwin's Fill in the Blanks. Here we are. Good luck to you. Here we are. From Ozzy Osbourne. But a blank in the dark, one step away from you. A blank in the dark, always blanking up on you. Shot in the dark, one step away from you. A blank in the dark, always blanking up on you. Oh, but a shot in the dark, one step away.

[B]

A shot in the dark, always creeping on you.

[A]

That's exactly right. We have nothing. Well done. Let's go for one this time. Yeah, that's it. Well done. Can't take these people anymore. They make me want to grab my. My prop gun. Just start shells falling on the rust set real fast.

[B]

They've gone cold on your quotes.

[A]

Everyone's gone cold around me, Brady. I make bodies turn cold, go see rust whenever it comes out someday. Be fantastic. I'M going now. It's been nice to see you again, Brady. I'm glad you all survived me. It's out of control now. 98 KUPD, the rest of home Bird's morning sickness. This is the big red radio. And then we just me and my friend Brian, we always have these weird conversations. How do you think you would like. Wouldn't it be great? This would be an awesome promotion to see where and how you fare in a professional sporting event as an average guy. So each team has to have a fan on the floor at any given time. Just pull them randomly. All right? Just like you know Price is right. Section 103, row 15, seat 15. Come on down. You're next. And you get in the game.

[B]

The paper lion.

[A]

And you get six minutes to play in an NBA game. And you sit and I wonder how you'd fare. Like I wonder.

[B]

That's a little heavy. Six minutes.

[A]

Ah, it's it for the whole game. Once they you're the only one, you're the winner that night. You're on the bench that night. You don't understand what's going on, but you get six minutes of play. Maybe not clutch minutes, but it's just like that rotten kid in little league when they had the everybody must play rule and you had to. And coach Monty would have to find a way to plug your dumb ass into this thing. And if you're cool with it, it's like, I'll play. You're in your shorts and they take you back real quick. And they. And then you're like, you get I. Cuz every everybody in the crowd talks about what they could do or he needs to do this. What do you set that pick and then you put them out there and say, all right, let's do this big mouth. Let's see what you got. Wouldn't work in football cuz you get killed. Yeah, but you just won. How you'd fare as like every night, tonight's fan gets six minutes and his name is blah blah blah. Like, oh man, he's gonna kill us. Or maybe some dude just shines and has a great six minutes. Like what's. How magic would it be? Because you see people lose their minds for T shirts. But how magic would it be if you went out and got like four NBA points and a board? It would be incredible.

[B]

You play. It would be an awesome experience. But if you've done it, if you played with one person on the team, like when back in the day we used to play and Miguel Knight, who was you Know, seventh, six or seventh man on the team.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And the guy would just light it up. On average Joe, I've played with dudes.

[A]

Who are on rec league teams that you're like, how are you not in the pros and not good enough? I'm like, you can fly.

[B]

Even college level.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But can you imagine getting an elbow from DeAndre or something like that? I can, because he's the softest man in basketball. So I can't imagine getting an elbow from a tough guy. I'd be Lambert, I'd be. I'd be swamping. And that's the thing. Maybe you could foul out. Like, you. You're such a wrench in the game. Like, Brett goes up there and he's got two pops in him and he gets called, oh, my God, I get to play. And you run down there and then he's like, I don't know what I'm doing. You just start punching dudes and you get your ass kicked. You just. You would just be a. It would be the most exciting thing ever. That every night for six minutes, a fan gets in and then it would shut up those people who are like, well, you know. And I say it all the time. Deandre Ayton is a soft. You know, but I'm not seven feet tall. I know for a fact if I was his size, I'd be better than him. That's the kind of crap that. That I say. And everybody else says it too. It would be amazing if you had allowed us fans that up. How much could you charge for tickets?

[B]

But after the, you know, the first year, the handicap seating would be huge. People getting just taken out from that game.

[A]

Oh, nobody would get that hurt. You'd have some pulled hamstrings and whatever.

[B]

One, two hand tomahawk. I'm gonna block it.

[A]

Look, I got dunked on by Kenny Skywalker and he jumped over me. He told me to move before he started to drive the ball. Move, move. And I'm like, huh? And I didn't. And next thing you know, there's a big black groin going over my forehead. And you move. Then I didn't budge because at that point, if I'd have moved, I'm hitting him in the legs. He jumped over me. And I turn around and look, and his arm is in the rim to the elbow.

[B]

Stripe the top of your head.

[A]

Yeah. He almost gave me an Indian dot right there with his B hole. Dude was. And it was in it. He had time to say, move and recognize. I still can jump over this guy, it's not like I'm, you know, five, four. He leapt, right? And it was easy. It was nothing. And I'm like, oh, my God. There'd be dunks like that. Like, the other team would set plays to go past Brady. But then we started to say, okay, how would you. Would you fare better if they did? Fan of the team on the floor playing basketball or tonight's special guest dancer and you get to be in the dance squad all night. Which would you be better at? Which would be a less embarrassing endeavor for, let's say, Brady. You gotta go out and dance with the dance squad. I mean, it would be funnier.

[B]

That'd be funnier.

[A]

Yeah. I think you could get laughs dancing, but. And you might go for laughs playing basketball with, like, a granny shot or something stupid. That would just piss everyone off, though. Oh, the fan shooting.

[B]

My thoughts would be, I'm going out there. I'm looking. Not to throw the ball away. Not to.

[A]

You know, don't be a jackass.

[B]

Maybe try to set a pick for somebody.

[A]

Try to execute someone. That's what I want. Brady setting a pick for on. Dream on.

[B]

They're running into an anvil. Look, we're the same weight.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You.

[A]

You and Draymond would be in a fight. Oh, be awesome. This idea is great. And it only works in basketball. It. It's the only game. You can pull somebody out of the crowd and say, you get six minutes. Not in a row, but you're going to get six minutes of PT tonight. And the other team's got another knockery.

[B]

Of putting that guy in.

[A]

Oh, but the. But it has to be when the other team. So it's an agreed upon. If my guy's in, your guy's in. Both these idiots have to play at the same time. One of the greatest promotional ideas of all time. Not getting the ball. Of course not. It's four on four, and they're just going to move. You're going to hear that a lot.

[B]

Instead of timeouts. It's like six man factor.

[A]

Yeah. But, you know, eventually a long rebound would end up in. In the dipstick's hands, and you'd just be standing there looking around. Where's Chris Paul? Where's Chris Paul? Get passed to him. And they would get Ben Simmons and Kevin Durant just standing there. Time out. That's all. I'm out. These guys are amazing. God forbid you try to dribble or do something like basketballing, but it would.

[B]

Be the shooting of three, and the guy blocked it from the foul line.

[A]

It would be awesome. Tell me how that would add so much more to it.

[B]

Just to give a minute. Life change.

[A]

A minute's life changing. Six minutes is like excruciating pain for everyone, including the winner. It's brutal. And then let's just say you pop one. I hit a three pointer against the Harlem Globetrotters. It's still like a highlight of all happened. Meadowlark Lemon handed me the ball and goes as we come out as well. Coming out of the tunnel, just chuck the ball at the rim. Even if you're close, it'll be. People go crazy. And I didn't realize there was a weight in the ball. And he was setting me up like the dumbest man in the world. So we come out. All right, let's welcome the ymca, idiots. And I come out like, yeah. And I take the ball he gave me and I go to three court, you know, three quarters court shot. And I watch it kind of just wobbling enough to be like, no matter what I was going to do, it was going to miss by 18ft or more. And it just looked like I just threw it into the front row from. From. And like. And everybody's like, ahah. Jackass thought he could make that. I'm like, oh, lemon. We're gonna have us a lemon party. And I scored five points that night. I felt pretty good about myself. Well, didn't you play with Michael Irvin, too? Yeah, that was. Yeah, I had five points in that.

[B]

We were great teammates.

[A]

He was my teammate and somehow stole the ball from me four times.

[B]

I made that bull.

[A]

What were.

[B]

Tim Kempton.

[A]

Yeah, Tim Kempton. Yeah, we were.

[B]

It was under Tim Kempton.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

He went up high, and I did the scoop underneath.

[A]

I had a three pointer, although only being guarded by sports anchor Mark Lewis, who I could blow by at any time. But I was afraid of the other guys in there. But after I took two shots and hit him, Michael Irvin decided someone else on my team is scoring. That's going to end right now. And every time I had the ball, Michael Irvin was next to me going, give me the ball. We're on the same team. I said, give me the ball. All right. Then you just hand it to him. And then you never saw it again.

[B]

Yeah, sometimes no pass.

[A]

No, no, no. Handoff.

[B]

Come over and get the ball.

[A]

Handoff.

[B]

He took it.

[A]

He reached into, like, I'm holding it, and I got my. I'm like, wait a second. I got a guy. Guard me already. You're on My team. Give me that. And he stole it from me. I said, you're not helping the stereotype.

[B]

He had.

[A]

Stealing my basketball is something I'm going to talk about. Yeah, 100 points, but. And he was good. But I had five. I wanted to play. It felt amazing being on the floor with pro athletes and getting there somewhere.

[B]

And the most amazing thing that. That was warm ups. It was skywalker.

[A]

Oh, Josh McCown. Yeah, McCown.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It was amazing. My idea is solid great stuff like they called a fan of the night. And if you're in the lower level and if you even gave the chance to the upper deck and whatever Gutierrez or Rodriguez came pouring out of that thing and got to play would be ridiculous. Ridiculous. And you'd have to sign up to be like available. It's not just gonna be a random draw, but people are like, look, for 100 bucks you can enter the drawing to be a player tonight.

[B]

Sign the waiver. If you have a heart attack, we're not liable.

[A]

If you die on the floor, it's because you're an idiot that signed up for. But like yeah, they just have a list of people. Like, you sign up, you can play tonight. We might draw your name. There'd be. How many C notes would just fly across. Everybody would pay for that chance. This is a great idea. And they get the fans involved in the game and you can actually play along. You get a jersey. Pretty great stat line. That would just be awesome. You get NBA minutes. Because I'm listening to people all around me tell like this is what I would do. When I used to play, I was a three point guy. I could shoot from the outside. I don't know what I'd do inside. Like let's find out. You'd want to sign up those so called like armchair quarterbacks. Just like, all right, Dick, let's see it go.

[B]

You got game.

[A]

All of us can assess the game, stand on it. And I'm not saying that that mean. Look, I've always say that the WNBA girls are always like, well you think you're so good play. Let me. Okay. I think. I don't think I hold up. I think I'd be all right. I beat Michelle Tims in a one on one game once and I think she was trying to. That was years ago. But even at 50 with two metal hips, I'm pretty sure I'd be all right in the WNBA for six minutes I'd put points on the board. I definitely, definitely create some chaos down low. Let me try. Let's see how you do against the girl. Okay, let me in. You wouldn't dare. No way the WNB would go for that. Because a dude might dominate for six minutes and be like, ah, this was terrible. We look like idiots. NBA is not afraid of it. Couldn't do it in hockey, Couldn't do it in baseball. Couldn't do it in football. Basketball. The risk of injury is so much lower. Be great. You know, and, you know, it goes back to how you couldn't do it in boxing either. But all those people, God, take a punch for Mike Tyson for $5 million. Well, nobody wants to see that, though. Nobody wants to watch Mike Tyson drop an alcoholic in the middle of a ring. Nobody's paying for that. That's stupid. But people would pay to watch the average Joe playing ball in the NBA. For sure.

[B]

You could pull it off in soccer.

[A]

Yeah, maybe you'd be one of the dudes out there just being the idiot running around with his beer in his hand. Like, I can't believe that Lionel Messi. His name, Lionel. Hey, what's up, dude? You're like a star. Go stand over there. Okay, I'm going to kick it to you now. I'm probably gonna miss this. I don't know what I'm doing. I hate soccer. I don't even know I'm here. Luck of the draw. Anyway, think it through. If you guys want to do this, we'll start our own league. But I think it would be great. This is what baseball used to do, the old Bill Veck days. Like, we're going to put a out there today. Fans are going to go, no. And they did. And it's memorable, like, to this day. Like that little boy, the.

[B]

Imagine, you know, you're talking about the armchair quarterbacks in basketball.

[A]

Yeah, baseball.

[B]

The guys that I played. Yeah, I played AAA or whatever. It's not.

[A]

It's.

[B]

You get a time at bat.

[A]

One at bat. That's a waste of time. Basketball can be an accident. Something could happen where the ball comes to you. If it put you in the field, maybe. But at bat against a professional pitcher, I don't care if you used to be good. Without reps and stuff, you're screwed. They'll. They'll brush you back with one pitch and then paint the corner three times. You're just gonna be standing there like an idiot, a moron. It is almost Bill Becker. It is Bill Beckish. It's genius. But it'll never happen because the NBA doesn't want us to actually participate. And there's liability. Somebody Would sue and ruin it for everyone. So. Ideas. I'm an idea man, Brady. It's what I do. Come up with great ideas that no one will ever use. It's worthless. Idea man is what I am. Of control now. The best of homework's morning sickness on 98 KUPD.

[B]

The greatest couple. When I was in college, I end up doing a play, you know, but it was at the Athens mental health.

[A]

Center because it was right next to the school, right?

[B]

Yeah. And it was in the early 1800s when they built this facility. And things did not change much yet even from one.

[A]

That's the point. No one noticed.

[B]

But those hallways. It. You look at these pictures that we're looking at and there's some similarities of the background and the. The cells where they would hold them.

[A]

She's looking at me. Looking at me and you at the same time. Toledo. And her diagnosis is just general paralysis? Yes, she's been paralyzed. Also known as crazy. Kill it. Photograph at first for generations to enjoy later. Some of them are just dementia. What was your play that you did for the Nuts?

[B]

Finian's Rainbow.

[A]

And did they enjoy it?

[B]

Well, it. The whole deal is incorporating patience with. So you. You were basically pal. Paired up with someone. I was paired up with a guy named Gary Crow. And Gary Crow would call you goddamn nut.

[A]

You were. What are you in here? Killed my mom. You. You pen. Talked held with Gary for a while. No, no, no. You were done with him that day.

[B]

Just my sheriff. I was Senator Billboard Rockins was my Billboard Rockins. Billboard Rockins.

[A]

I don't. I don't know Phineham's Rainbow very well. So. And he was. He played the role. How was he as an actor? Any good?

[B]

Well, just before the opening night. You know, it's an outdoor drama opening night, which I had to carry disappear. And he went off the rest. And I found him in a second building just before we had to go on.

[A]

What are you doing out a second? They sent the cousin sophomore to find the lunatic. They didn't have people for that. I found him.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

No. Why were you looking? The whole place should have been responsible.

[B]

You know, he's probably 200ft away.

[A]

He killed his mother. Whenever he can't be found. Lockdown the authorities. Go get Gary. What are you.

[B]

I don't know about Gary. If he killed his mom or something.

[A]

Yeah. Where was the lady that's in charge of Gary?

[B]

It was. It was a guy. Larry Lancus.

[A]

Oh, Brady, this is terrifying.

[B]

And every time he'd come over there, Larry, with how Are you? And he would hug you and press his cheek against.

[A]

Larry's also insane. He's not in charge of anything. If Larry's hugging and kissing and holding men in public that he's just meeting, he's not a facilitator of. He's a. He's an inmate. You and Larry were looking for Gary, the missing.

[B]

Don't worry. Gary's harmless, right?

[A]

According to Larry, another lunatic.

[B]

So where did I find Gary? Oh, there's this. There's a row of buildings. You know, it's one or two over. It's not that far from the stage because it's outdoor, but. Garrett. Gary happened to find 40 of Miller. There's a bottle.

[A]

Oh, we got a little beer.

[B]

I think someone either, you know, and put it underneath the crawl space. Gary, what are you doing?

[A]

Leave me alone, Brady. I already got a mother. Hey, we're on in 10 minutes, Gar. It's like an after school special. Where were the people working there?

[B]

They're around there.

[A]

Do you not ask yourself that question? Why was an innocent 19 year old kid.

[B]

No, Gary was probably you. Oh, yeah.

[A]

Why was an innocent 19 year old kid looking for an insane asylum patient that was missing? I don't care.

[B]

Yeah, but it wasn't like the Amber alert that the question was off. The rest I might have exaggerated.

[A]

Where's Gary is the question right?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Where's the inmate from the insane asylum? Automatically means no civilians are looking for him.

[B]

Right? And then I found them.

[A]

But you did, because nobody else was looking. That's horrifying. You don't see the error in that anywhere?

[B]

Well, he couldn't go anywhere.

[A]

But he did.

[B]

The facility's huge. I'm saying he could wander around there. Yeah, he could, but he had a.

[A]

Place to be and he disappeared. And there were regulars mixing among them, right? Yeah, but they're losing track of a prisoner on visiting day.

[B]

There is no threat of Gary mixing in.

[A]

Of course, but there is a threat of him grabbing a regular and choking it out.

[B]

No, he. So, all right, he was no threat.

[A]

Bottom line is you don't know what's going on behind those walls. But he was no threat to you because he was on his best behavior. He'd probably just been shocked before he saw you. And on this day, he smelled out some beer and hid in a corner.

[B]

There was one patient that did that, that wandered off up in the attics of the. One of the buildings, of course. And it was a double lock. Once that door locked on either side, and the patients kept on Saying they heard noises for about a week. They're like, there's banging on.

[A]

Oh, he's upstairs dying.

[B]

There's a. There's a woman.

[A]

Oh, geez.

[B]

And sure enough, they went up. Then all of a sudden, through the vents and stuff they're smelling. Can you see? They found the body and she was sitting there the whole time where only a piece of light would go through them.

[A]

Oh, she's right there in the light.

[B]

Yeah. And there was the body outlined in the concrete. The fluids left a lining of the body.

[A]

You're disgusting. Can you see that? I've taken your rose colored glasses off. And you were in horrible danger the day that Gary disappeared. No, you gotta admit, a little bit of danger was in the air.

[B]

If you met Gary, you'd.

[A]

I don't care about Gary so much. Just. You had to realize at that point. Point. That there was nobody really in charge of the facility.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. So it wasn't just Gary. It was all of them. Now it just. It could have been a domino effect. They needed to put the place on lockdown. First off, you don't need college kids doing plays with inmates. That's a bad idea.

[B]

This one girl's senior thesis, she wanted to do this and incorporate to see if it could be done. And we couldn't give him long lines. She had asked me to do them.

[A]

Like you were trying to bomb like Trump.

[B]

No, no.

[A]

Why not? She was big, ugly.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. There's stories.

[B]

I had a couple of buddies that were involved and sounded hilarious, so. And it was hilarious.

[A]

The mentals.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So it was more just poke the bear.

[B]

Oh yeah.

[A]

Her thesis was what happens when we get a bunch of insane asylum patients? Can they do a play to mingle with frat boys?

[B]

You know what?

[A]

One thing, make them, make them perform Finian's Rainbow.

[B]

You know, one thing she discovered early on is you can't give them long lines to memorize the medication.

[A]

Could barely give you guys the medication. No, it's saying nothing with the medication. They're not in there for being medicated.

[B]

Good cop out blaming on the medication.

[A]

Their medication. It isn't. Cuz God touched them.

[B]

It was great. Follow me and you repeat what I say. We're gonna get those.

[A]

We're gonna get those guys. It sounds. Who paid for this? Who was there?

[B]

Yeah, they did see the performance of.

[A]

You with the inmates. Man, oh man.

[B]

And my dad stayed for years.

[A]

Sure. They probably thought that's where you were. I don't know any difference between the guys he was with and his Frat buddies. Heck yeah. Between Gary and this guy over here, calls himself Large. I don't know who the retard is. Anyway, it's a different time. Well, that's great. That's great stuff. I'm sure your education. I'm sure your parents were thrilled to be throwing dough at that. How do you even call your parents with that? I wouldn't even bother my mom and dad with that. Yeah, I'm in a big play this weekend at the insane asylum for guys getting the old man.

[B]

Check this out.

[A]

It's a hitch up Bessie to the coach and drag your asses down here. Hey, that sounds great. Having to tell everybody in town my boy's an actor at an insane asylum. I'm also a fire truck and a piece of corn.

[B]

Pretty much.

[A]

That's great. Good for you, Brady. What a weird education. What a weird life. Once you got out of Ohio, know you had to see a whole new world where this is just irregular behavior. Without that laying the groundwork, he would have never been the mascot of the. That's true.

[B]

Maybe inspired by.

[A]

Look, I don't want. I don't want him in disguise too.

[B]

Actually, the guys that were in the. The other two buddies of mine were in charge of that whole. You never sat with Gary's island mascot and they're the ones that wrote me in the mask.

[A]

So you never once sat down with Gary during rehearsals and said, so what's the deal, Gary? You didn't get curious? What was he there for?

[B]

Well, Gary was. I believe Gary was a lifer. He'd been there since he.

[A]

For what?

[B]

Just being completely. Like you said back then. The people just said didn't want him anymore. Yep.

[A]

He was making too much noise and he was taking up space.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

So they dumped him.

[B]

And then three quarters of those folks that were there could basically. Basically leave if they wanted to. But they wouldn't.

[A]

Right. It's free and they know that out there. Scary. That's kind of the same way with committed people now. Yeah, commit them if you want, but they can leave.

[B]

Can't hold you.

[A]

Yeah. Anyway. But they're not doing many plays. I don't remember that happening to. I don't remember ASU's big production down there in 24th street in Van Buren with the nuts.

[B]

There was a Marion, about 70 years old and she would watch MTV videos back then. And she dressed 70 year old lady. Maybe go buck 85 and wear tight shiny spandex.

[A]

Awesome. And I'm guessing one night at the frat house, Tom Brennaman last night that crazy old broad dresses like Martha Quinn in Downtown Julie Brown. Hit it. Good night, boys. I gotta go wash the feces off my fingertips. Oh, gotta call Marty. He'll love it anyway. Wow. You know, I've never heard of a story from you what you learned in college.

[B]

That one time.

[A]

Like you guys being in your underwear, playing basketball, effing around with crazies. Never I never a sense it started with I this really great class. Yeah, this professor changed my life. Nope, the other one. There he is. There goes Brady. That's everybody's college experience. Didn't everybody get to do a play with the nut owls? Sure they did. My God, Homebrick's done it again. Taking these awful glasses off and showed me reality. Ordered pizzas for dead girls. I know all your stories. I don't know, anytime you're like Professor Johnson changed my life with the theory of Emmanuel Kant's Philosophy on the world. Yeah, that was a great moment in college, wasn't it? I used to do papers on graph paper. I barely got through. But we did order a lot of pieces for dead girls and then stood in the bushes and watched.

[B]

So sorry. Test South. Still remember.

[A]

All I remember is that's what you learned. Those were learned things. That's what he learned in college. To remember their names. This is the anniversary of her death. And you had a pizza.

[B]

No, I had a. A fraternity brother that was visiting from San Francisco and he wanted. He was in town. So I met him and looking up the direction I go. Your reservation's under Test South.

[A]

You guys still do it like. Oh my God, we all remember that from college. Remember that one, Professor? No, I'm not done yet. I don't remember any of them. I didn't go to a single class. I just ordered pizzas for dead girls. And then we did a ballroom dancing with the insane asylum. That was all I remember about college. You give them 40,000 bucks and they'll give you. Here's the papers. Great job in the play. I'm out. Yeah, you're done. You can give that to anybody and get a job. Now what? Holy crap. That was easy.

[B]

No credits for that master's degree.

[A]

If you make out with the old lady who watches mtv. How long? I just got my masters.

[B]

That's why Brennaman had to, you know, didn't get his.

[A]

Oh, man, what a get it right away.

[B]

Had to get that extra two credits.

[A]

Good Lord. Think real hard about a class that really changed you from college. And it has nothing to do with ordering pizzas for dead people or a kid crapping his pants.

[B]

One of them that I thought was skeet and trap shooting.

[A]

Did you take.

[B]

Yes, I did.

[A]

Hey, that's a skill. That's a good skill. You don't need to go to college for it. Go to Ben Avery right now.

[B]

It was. The first half was canoeing, second half was skeet and trap.

[A]

All right, so it was the Boy Scouts for kids.

[B]

And you went out to the various lakes in the southern and you canoed. Yeah. And learned a good J stroke.

[A]

That's great. How's that applying today? It looks like you're awesome. Kind of whenever in condition.

[B]

Whenever I'm trolling around looking at all the litter.

[A]

So that'd be a lesson to all of you if you're in a pinch and you need a rower. Brady went to college.

[B]

I'll teach you a good J stroke.

[A]

Yep, speaking of J strokes, crazy old TV bro. Got one in both hands. Holy moly. Turned me into a wacky straw. It's out of control now. What the do you think you're doing? It's the best of Holmberg's morning sickness on the big red radio.

[B]

Sylvester Stallone's dog Phoebe.

[A]

Literally. Literally. It's two. He's got poopy shoes and they're high heels. He's poopy pumps. He's wearing poopy pumps.

[B]

Sylvester Stallone's dog Phoebe was killed by a coyote. Phoebe went missing a few weeks ago in the family went searching. They put up flyers in the neighborhood. Ten thousand dollar reward.

[A]

If you could find Shane Dawn, I'll give you $10,000. You know, you know, he took my dog. You know, I don't like that. I think I know the plot of his next movie. It kind of wanted him to be, you know, Brady, you know, you got a guy out there like a coyote, like Oliver Rin Larson, and he comes on and kills your dog. You gotta get back at that guy, right? What do you think about making this Taken three? Yeah. You know, I had a specialized set of skills. You know, I like to take that out on people. You know, guy comes by time, I have to hunt down some coyotes. Phoebe. I catch a chicken, I catch a coyote, yo. You know what you're gonna do? Get the coyote rock. You start dancing My Attic.

[B]

This year there are two different Queens Reich albums.

[A]

No.

[B]

One with Jeff Tate and the other without him. Both releasing new albums and touring.

[A]

I'll take the one without him. Both called Queens Reich.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So nobody really owns the name?

[B]

I guess so.

[A]

Unless they got A singer that sounds like they will either one of them.

[B]

So they'll have to say with Jeff tate on the one. Don't you think if you're.

[A]

Or just queens. Right. 2.0. Do you think the. The fake queen Drake singer has like a jean jacket with cut off sleeves? Oh, yeah. Yep. The poppy weird hair.

[B]

Jeff Tate's been replaced by Todd Latore.

[A]

Do we have a taste of the new queen strike there. Toledo Todd Latore.

[B]

Yeah. And the judge ruled that both bands can use the name until chaos is sorted out.

[A]

He's actually an Italian. And so Operation. Operation Mind Crime. Mind the crime. Hey. Oh.

[B]

And good news.

[A]

Walks the streets Got the blood in his hands. The brother killed the brother for a profit of another game point. Nobody wins. Ah. That is different. He's good. Did he say that guy name? Say damn thing. This is a teaser trailer. This is not Jeff Tate.

[B]

This is not Jeff. Oh. Guy finishes up his guitar solo.

[A]

This guy over here. Black guy trapped again. Oh, my God. Is he all right? It's even worse. Worse. That one's not as bad. It's very Jeff Taty, though. New powerhouse. If you're really mad at Jeff Tate. Yeah. Why get a guy? Why get a guy sounds just like him? Why in the world would you do that?

[B]

Just. Well, you should hear tape now.

[A]

As I lay next to you. Silent lucidity. I think they should have gone hard heavy Italian.

[B]

Look, Jeff, it's time we.

[A]

What have we no shingle queens, Right? That's all right.

[B]

Bill Cosby issued a statement about the two shows he's doing tomorrow in Denver. Says I have thousands of loyal, patient and courageous fans that are going to leave their homes to enjoy an evening of laughter and return home feeling wonderful. I'm ready.

[A]

Drinks. You see what's the new show policy is we'll give everybody a free beverage with the show and then you come and you get the pee pee. And the poo poo will be for one of the tables that pays a little extra.

[B]

You see. I thank you, the theater staff, the event organizers and the Colorado community for your continued support and coming to experience family fun entertainment.

[A]

Hey, hey, hey.

[B]

I'm far from finished.

[A]

He said that?

[B]

Yep.

[A]

He threw a little Fat Albert in the end.

[B]

Yes, he did.

[A]

What does that mean? He's far from finished. He plans to rape some more or he's far from finished with his career.

[B]

I think. Yeah, I think it's everything.

[A]

I think I'll rape again today. Oh, Fat Albert, you like school on Saturday?

[B]

No.

[A]

Class. Shut up before I shut you up with my big wang.

[B]

Take this pill.

[A]

Take a sip of this. I ain't drinking out your canteen again. Last time I drank out your canteen, my ass hurt for two weeks. That's kind of. That's kind of funny. He's gonna force himself upon us just like he did those women. Yep. We don't want your comedy anymore. You say you're gonna get the bit. The dentist bitch is coming your direction now. His whole life's just raping people.

[B]

He's gonna branch into other businesses. Cosby Sleep Center.

[A]

Hi folks, it's Bill Cosby. Here you can struggling to have a good night's sleep. Well, come to the Bill Cosby Sleep Center. You see. Take a sip of the Bill Cosby special purple juice.

[B]

You'll wake up refreshed.

[A]

Poppies. Poppies. Sleep. Poor Bill Cosby. Soothing. I don't want to see it anymore. Abu Keith. I've seen this. It's a 40 year old bit.

[B]

Sm.

[A]

Yes. You're at the dentist. We know. They. They've advanced technology so much. There's no more fire at the dentist.

[B]

Gay porno star Johnny Rapid.

[A]

That's not a good gay porno name. You don't.

[B]

He's offering Justin Bieber $2 million to do a scene with him.

[A]

2 million? You got a 2 million?

[B]

Amp it up, Justin. It'll be easy. I'll do most of the work. Come in for a few hours.

[A]

Wait a minute. Yeah, that's pretty good. What am I doing wrong? That's fetish. Well, I'll tell you what you're doing wrong. I'll show you on the Internet what you could be doing for millions of dollars. I didn't know made that kind of dough. There's no way he's got $2 million. But again. Here we go. Here we go. Back to that argument again. You assume that just because he's doing gay sex that you're gonna make $2 million if you do it too. But he's probably in great shape and has a huge dong. I'll work out eight hours a day. There you go. For 2 million bucks, that's a little bit overkill. Eight hours. But you're gonna need it. You'll be a little fatigued at the end of that. Sure. Get yourself back in shape. Scale her back to like two hours a day and then whip out that angry inch and you're still not gonna make $200 million or whatever. He's got $2 million to you, John. I'll show you, man. Go do it. Go.

[B]

Motivation.

[A]

You Go become a gay porn star. I don't think you can do it. I'll show you. Slam the door for me. Oh, sorry. I want Eric to go be a gay porn star. Despite me. This argument is lost on him. Despite me, who's the real winner? When I sit back and watch and go, well, God damn it, you did it. And here I am looking at it. Who's the loser now? I got $2 million, but my ass hurts. That's better than this. I'm gonna poke my eyes out. I just watched incredibly shapely Eric o' Connell have sex with him.

[B]

He did it.

[A]

But it is. It's that same argument. It's like, he's a gay porn star. He's probably in great shape. And we're like, wait a minute. I can be a gay porn star. Yeah, but not one people want to see. There's a difference. You got to be aesthetically pleasing.

[B]

Check out Johnny Rapid, too.

[A]

Good looking dude. Yeah. Let's see. I can match Johnny Rap. I can beat him on time. I'd be Johnny Moderate Johnny Decent time Johnny Somewhat Johnny. Getting there.

[B]

The paparazzi ran into Billy Bob Thornton, bbt and asked his opinion on having sex during a woman's monthly visitor.

[A]

Oh, God. Who asked?

[B]

Normally, I don't divulge this kind of information, but, you know, I've never been shy.

[A]

Let me show you something. Right now, my wiener is bright red.

[B]

He also lower back. Lower back tattoos on guys are stupid.

[A]

I just nailed a plate of Bolognese. You know what I mean? Looks like I got into a fight in an Italian restaurant.

[B]

From the waist down, Percy's lovely bride, Courtney Stodden.

[A]

Not done yet. It looks like the Kool Aid man gave me a bj.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Any more questions? Tmz.

[B]

Thanks, bbt.

[A]

No problem. I haven't seen him in anything. He doesn't do anything anymore. He just wanders around with blood all over his pants. Evidently.

[B]

I think he'd argue with that.

[A]

I still have my band. Sure I do. Tour the band. I don't. Just because you haven't seen Tom Petty around doesn't mean he's not writing.

[B]

Good point.

[A]

Oh, Eric, I don't even remember your song. I'm sorry. If I had the power of creating flint and Tinder out of air, I would have burst you into flames.

[B]

See you later, bbt.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Courtney stodden.

[A]

Hey, Brady. It's day 27 over at your house, isn't it?

[B]

It is.

[A]

Oh, you can smell it for me tomorrow. I'm like a shark. I AM Great Whitest menstrus.

[B]

The Thornton Thrasher Shark.

[A]

Whoa. Pungent. Oh, hi. Brady's Hand. Blood and pork. Oh, my God. We're late. We're done.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Nice job. That's good. That'll do it.

[B]

It's good stuff.

[A]

Can't have any more of this.

[B]

Photos of Honey Boo Boo's uncle.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

Uncle Poodle.

[A]

He's dead, isn't he? Oh, he's got the hiv.

[B]

He sent some gay pics to someone at the Grinder. Guy wants to sell him.

[A]

And how much are you gonna get for that? The naked? I don't know, but you get to sell them. How much?

[B]

The pictures. Over to the guy and says. So you know who Honey Boo Boo is? That's my niece.

[A]

And this is me on my knees.

[B]

This is my piece.

[A]

I'll give you five bucks. Give me five dollars for pictures of the gay Honey Boo boo. Uncle Dick. $5? That's asinine.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

To the highest bidder by four. That hobo over there wanted to give me a dollar. Did you say ass? Just found out that that thing wasn't menstruating. So I'll give you one American dollar for it. Would you bang Honey Boo Boo's mom? Yep. Every 20th days. Roll her in flower and look for the red spot. She's like the opposite of Angelina Jolie. Yeah, she is. Yep. Well, it would look. I actually did eat Angelina Jolie. And it looks like she did, too. We got that in common. I'm gonna redo a movie. I'm doing a sequel you guys don't know about. Yeah, it's called There Will Be Blood, too. Blood on My Pants. Who's the female lead? And now it doesn't matter. Some girl's menstruating. It changes every 28 days of filming. And we're going to do another one called Sling Blood. Reprase my character, Carl the.

[B]

Santa.

[A]

Yeah, Bloody Santa. I like that. And then, of course, the Bad News Bloody Bears. How would they have issues? That girl pitcher was about 14. Oh, yeah, that's right. Mandel Horlitzer. So it'd be Bloody Bear. Yeah, probably. There's mothers. Billy Bob likes menstruation too much. And then I'm gonna do a buddy picture reprising my role as Carl from Sling Blade with the great Sylvester Stallone as John Rambo. And First Blood again.

[B]

That makes perfect sense with Amanda Willitzer.

[A]

Amanda Willitzer. Just going to reprise the whole thing like a Billy Bob reunion. I won't even tell you what Primary Colors is called. Billy Bob, get out. You got it? It's out of control now. 98, can you PD?