02-20-25 - Emailer Tells Us His Ex GF Wanted To Be Internet Famous So She Faked Her Own Kidnapping - New Fear Unlocked After John Dives Into What A Fistula Is After Hearing About A Bad Case

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona
Episode Summary: February 20, 2025
Title: Emailer Tells Us His Ex GF Wanted To Be Internet Famous So She Faked Her Own Kidnapping - New Fear Unlocked After John Dives Into What A Fistula Is After Hearing About A Bad Case
Host: John Holmberg
Guests: Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo, Gene

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1. Introduction and Listener Emails

The episode kicks off with Dick Toledo promoting a FanDuel bonus bet offer. However, this segment is later excluded from our summary as it falls under advertisements and non-content sections.

John Holmberg opens the show with amusing anecdotes about listener emails, highlighting the variety and sometimes dark humor in the stories shared. He humorously laments receiving emails about "horror stories" involving listeners contemplating murder, setting a lighthearted yet edgy tone for the morning.

Notable Quote:

• John Holmberg [00:36]: "Everybody's emailing me their horror stories about murdering their spouses and man, there's a lot of them."

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2. Personal Stories: Holmberg’s Grandparents and Childhood Memories

John delves into personal stories about his grandparents, painting a vivid picture of their adventurous road trips across the United States. He shares humorous and heartwarming memories, such as how his grandparents ingeniously managed to survive long trips in an old Ford pickup truck equipped with a propane heater and homemade ventilation systems.

Notable Quotes:

• John Holmberg [01:59]: "They made it. I don't know how, but that should have been a murder. Had they."
• Brett [03:41]: "Where are we? Dallas. Jerry Driscoll lives here."

These anecdotes not only provide insight into Holmberg's upbringing but also set the stage for discussions about relationships and familial bonds.

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3. The Ex-Girlfriend’s Quest for Internet Fame

A significant portion of the episode focuses on a listener, Brian, who shares his troubling experience with an ex-girlfriend named Veronica. Veronica's obsession with becoming internet famous leads her to an extreme plan: faking her own kidnapping to garner attention and clicks.

Key Points:

• Veronica initially focused on creating online content, including provocative photos and videos, to gain followers.
• As her strategies for gaining visibility failed, she proposed faking a kidnapping as a last-ditch effort.
• Brian expresses frustration and concern over Veronica's actions and the resulting social media frenzy.
• Despite Brian's attempts to intervene by contacting Veronica’s family and going public, Veronica ultimately shuts down her social media presence and distances herself.

Notable Quotes:

• John Holmberg [05:40]: "She wanted to fake her own kidnapping for clicks. Nice toss. This would be crazy."
• Brian [07:17]: "She wanted to fake her own kidnapping for clicks. Nice toss. This would be crazy."

This segment highlights the perils of seeking fame through sensationalism and the impact it can have on personal relationships.

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4. The Reality of Internet Fame

John and his co-hosts discuss the unrealistic expectations of achieving internet fame, comparing it to the early days of local bands striving for recognition. They emphasize that only a minuscule percentage of online content creators actually earn a substantial income, debunking the myth that the internet is a guaranteed path to wealth.

Key Points:

• The majority of podcasts, blogs, and online personalities do not achieve financial success.
• Only about 1% of internet content creators make significant money from their efforts.
• Physical attractiveness may provide some advantage, particularly for women on platforms like Instagram, but it's not a feasible path for most men.
• The discussion touches on how even unique content, like a milkman gaining fame, is fleeting and often niche-specific.

Notable Quotes:

• John Holmberg [09:09]: "1%. Yeah, maybe I'd say 1% shooting high. There's so many blogs and podcasts and things and nobody making any OnlyFans."
• John Holmberg [09:47]: "Nobody is going to be Internet millionaires, man. You know, wanking off all the time. This is not a thing."

This conversation serves as a reality check for listeners contemplating the pursuit of online fame, emphasizing the challenges and low probability of success.

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5. Introduction to New Fear: Anal Fistula

The episode takes a dramatic turn when John introduces a new fear unlocked topic: anal fistulas. This segment is inspired by a serious health issue shared by a friend, which leads to an in-depth and somewhat comical yet informative discussion about the condition.

Key Points:

• Definition: An anal fistula is an abnormal connection between the anal canal and the skin near the anus, often resulting from an infected anal gland.
• Symptoms: Pain, inflammation, rectal bleeding, and the presence of a secondary hole near the anus.
• Commonality: Twice as common in males, yet largely misunderstood and rarely discussed openly.
• Medical Intervention: Surgery is typically required to treat an anal fistula, with no easy fixes or home remedies that are effective.

Notable Quotes:

• John Holmberg [16:13]: "It's an abnormal passageway that develops inside your anus to the outside of your anus. So it's just basically like dig dug of pus and infection that shows up out of nowhere."
• John Holmberg [19:54]: "Surgery's the only option. Horrifying that your body would betray you this way."

The hosts approach the topic with a mix of humor and genuine concern, making the medical discussion both engaging and educational for listeners.

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6. Personal Reflections and Humor Surrounding Health Issues

John uses humor to cope with the grim topic of anal fistulas, sharing exaggerated reactions and hypothetical scenarios to highlight the discomfort and embarrassment associated with the condition. The conversation evolves into jokes about personal experiences with health problems, emphasizing the importance of medical attention despite the awkwardness of the subject.

Key Points:

• The hosts joke about the difficulty of discussing anal health issues with loved ones, implying that such conversations often lead to strained relationships.
• John shares a personal anecdote about misusing peroxide for cold sores, resulting in severe mouth sores, to illustrate the pitfalls of self-treatment without professional guidance.
• The discussion underscores the necessity of seeking medical help for serious health conditions, despite the embarrassment or fear they may cause.

Notable Quotes:

• John Holmberg [21:26]: "If you have any sort of. There's no the desire for any love making. At least doggy style is right out the window the second I've looked at it at its worst."
• John Holmberg [24:31]: "I'll just sit. I don't think you can call it this anymore. I'll sit Indian style. And I'll just wait for it to kill me. Like Gandhi just sitting in that room, just waiting."

These reflections provide a balance between humor and the seriousness of health issues, making the segment both relatable and informative.

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7. Closing Discussions and Upcoming Events

As the episode wraps up, the hosts briefly touch upon upcoming events, including sports and local happenings. They maintain their comedic style, ensuring that even the closing segments remain entertaining.

Key Points:

• Promotion of the Action Ride Shop grand opening, including giveaways and product demonstrations.
• Discussions about international hockey matches, expressing enthusiasm and sports rivalry humor.
• Light-hearted banter about local figures and humorous takes on medical anecdotes related to others, such as weatherman Ian Schwartz's experience with a perianal abscess.

Notable Quotes:

• Gene [35:05]: "Wake Up Song time, of course, is brought to you by Action Ride Shop."
• John Holmberg [37:40]: "Holiday road's not bad for the Gabby Petito number one. Boy, are we fascinated with death."

These segments ensure that the show ends on a high and engaging note, leaving listeners anticipating the next episode.

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Conclusion

This episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness masterfully blends humor with serious topics, providing an entertaining yet informative experience for listeners. From personal anecdotes and listener stories to in-depth discussions on internet fame and health fears, John Holmberg and his co-hosts create a dynamic and engaging show that resonates with a broad audience. The inclusion of notable quotes and relatable humor ensures that even complex or uncomfortable topics are accessible and engaging.

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Episode Highlights:

• Ex-Girlfriend’s Faked Kidnapping for Fame: A cautionary tale about the extremes one might go to achieve internet fame.
• Reality of Internet Success: Insightful discussion about the low probability of financial success online.
• Introduction to Anal Fistulas: Educational segment presented with humor and personal anecdotes.
• Closing with Local Events and Sports: Light-hearted end to a content-rich episode.

For those who missed this episode, John Holmberg's blend of humor, personal stories, and engaging discussions offers both laughter and valuable insights, making Holmberg's Morning Sickness Arizona's #1 Morning Radio Show a must-listen.

Transcript

[Dick Toledo]

It's Dick Toledo and new customers right now on FanDuel. Get $150 in bonus bets when your first $5 wager wins. Just visit FanDuel.com KUPD to grab $150 in college hoops bonus bets with a winning $5 bet and prepare for March on FanDuel America's 1 Sportsbook 21 plus in President Arizona first online real money wager only $5 first deposit required. Bonus issued as non withdrawable bonus bets which expire seven days after receipt. Restrictions apply. See [e-mail] gambling problem. Call 1-800-next-step or text next step to too. You thought that was funny?

[John Holmberg]

You were laughing like a hyena when he said it. What the hell is wrong with you? Thanks, Miles to nowhere. Well done. Everybody's emailing me their horror stories about murdering their spouses and man, there's a lot of them. If I did it, if I did it. It's the old Aries Spears joke. I don't condone what OJ did, but I understand it said, dude, my chick was home so much, I used to fake to go to work on my days off just to avoid too much time in one space with her. I'd go to my brothers and hang out. Can't be with somebody all the damn time. My grandparents, says John. My grandparents travel the US during the summer. They've been doing it for about 10 years, and each time they return, I kind of expect my grandma to be alone. It hasn't happened yet. She was a judge, though, so I bet she knows how to get away with it. My grandparents used to make Grandpa was afraid to fly, so they would they made a he they were kind of the original Brian and Gabby. He made a bed, two cots in the back of an old Ford pickup, and they'd put a a fireball basically in the back of that thing. One of those old school propane heaters they would do and just crack the window. So it should have killed them. They should have been dead 100 times over and they'd show up.

[Brett]

But Coleman heater?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, it was. And it was that weird one with just that. So my my grandfather hated two things flying that was right out and protective grates. The dude was against them fans. The first thing he did when he'd get a fan is take that front grate off, blade exposed, and it was just airline props spinning at a million miles an hour. And he could he was mechanical, so he could make the fan go faster in the window Next to the kitchen table, a foot and a half away from a child's face. Did the same thing with that fire grate. He thought the grates, like, getting a couple extra degrees out of this, pulled the grate off. We go in that back of that truck. I'm like, that's just hot coils up against blankets.

[Brett]

Don't touch them.

[John Holmberg]

They made it. I don't know how, but that should have been a murder. Had they. Had they. Had. They were only on the road for, like, four or five days, and then they would stay at our house. So had they had to do that for another 10 days, surely would have been. Surely would have been in the fetal position in the woods somewhere.

[Brett]

Yeah, my parents either had figured out somehow, or they, you know, they did a lot of.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, but they never did more than like, two or three days without stopping at a hotel. They weren't sleeping in a car together. You can't equate your parents to any of this. Your parents spent money. And by the way, your dad could pull over anywhere, any place and stay at someone's house. You guys were not against that. You loved staying at other people's homes. But whenever you had to get out, your dad would be like, well, you know what, buns? This. I'm pulling over, and we're sleeping at the lunch lady's house. I know where she lives. And he would go to the lunch lady's house, and they'd stay the night. And for some reason.

[Brett]

Where are we? Dallas. Jerry Driscoll lives here.

[John Holmberg]

Could you imagine that if this was 40 years ago and we lived here and we had known Torp and Bunny, there could have been a good chance that just somewhere out of the blue. Hey, hey, we're on a road trip. Just thought we'd. Why you got a suitcase? Oh, we thought we'd just stay with you for a few days. And they would just knock on doors and stay with people unannounced.

[Gene]

That would be me.

[Brett]

They never. They would never went unannounced.

[John Holmberg]

Your dad told me that he would go to a place, and if I just needed to pull over and stay at this guy's house, I could. I forgot what he was talking about.

[Brett]

But it wouldn't be unannounced.

[John Holmberg]

That's unannounced.

[Brett]

Jerry, I'm coming into town.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. That's on. And why don't you stay?

[Brett]

And they'd have to say, well, why don't you just stay?

[John Holmberg]

He told me he was on a trip. And I'm like, where did you stay just in the car. No, I knew a couple guys along the way. If I needed to stay, I just pull over and stay there. That is unannounced. If you're not planning on doing it, it's a maybe it's ah, might show up, might not. But you're always on that would. I would have killed your dad in the middle of a. Are you kidding me? Is torque Bogan on our porch? Hey. Hey. Remember that time you said I could stay here? It was like four years ago and I didn't mean it. Here we are. Get a hotel room, you cheap son of a bitch. This one says I'm super lucky my sister married a guy I get along with. Well, I genuinely like him and he's fun to hang out with and I have a great relationship with my sister. However, I know my sister. If I found out that my brother in law killed her on a 20 plus day road trip, I'd hear him out. Oh yeah, I'm shocked my sister's alive. Yeah. So John, you got to give her a break. She died doing what she loved. Becoming a famous YouTube blogger with millions of views. That's how the whole thing ends. And it's kind of a weird. A weird little aside at the end where they say she got 7 million views. It's like, is that the goal here? Is that what you're. You're happy about that?

[Brett]

The happy ending?

[John Holmberg]

This one? Wait until you hear this. John, you want a gem? I was dating a girl from 2022 to 2024. She was normal for about the first year, maybe 18 months. Very cute. Her name used to be Veronica. While we were dating, she started thinking she wanted to be an Internet famous person. So she focused solely on that. She changed her name and started posting any and everything. She did sexy pics. She put out videos of her doing things. Even grocery shopping. She'd set up a GoPro in the cart and talk to it. I didn't get it. I'm 47. She was 24 at the time. She had a body like a porn star. So I said, you know, that's where you're going to get clicked. So she did some solid naked stuff. I enjoyed that. But the clicks were not coming. So she suggests, I didn't get it until I read it there. Brett's laugh made me hear it too. She suggested an idea that I thought was insane. We faked her kidnapping. I told her no. She said, pretty white women get attention. I made her watch the movie Gone Girl, thinking this is what's gonna Happen it made her more desirous to fake her own kidnapping. I told her, you know what? This is a terrible plan. And I started kind of working my way out. But sex with an earth angel in her early 20s when you're 45 keeps you around longer than you think it would. But I was definitely in crazy town. Finally, I broke it off with her, and a couple weeks ago, I did a little stalking on her page. She had a guy post on her page saying he hasn't heard from her in days and was worried something bad has happened. All the comments were, what's going on? Call the police. All this attention. I immediately text her, her mother, and her father and said, I know what she's doing, and if she doesn't stop, I'll go public with this and call the police. Her mom text back and said, harmless fun, Brian. Pull the stick out of your ass. So I put my story on her page and said, she tried this with me, called the cops on myself here in Tyler, Texas, and went over to her house, told them what was going on. They did a visit later, and suddenly all of her social media pages are down, and she texts me saying, thanks a lot, asshole. Needless to say, I'll be hiring prostitutes until the Japs master AI sex dolls. Caution to you all, still listening to the show from Texas, Brian. How about that? She wanted to fake her own kidnapping for clicks. Nice toss. This would be crazy. I think anybody that wants clicks first, look how many clicks I got. Look how many people are following me. You need to run away from that one. Hey, that's bananas.

[Brett]

Building a brand, man.

[John Holmberg]

And it's weird. Like, it kind of reminds me of the days when they were like, a thousand local bands before the Internet and all that, and they were out there just trying. And a few of them needed to be told, go get a job. You know, you need to go get a job or at least have a job and do this for fun, because this ain't gonna work. But they had the dream of being famous, and it works out for, like, less than 1% of them, and yet they put all their eggs in that basket. Now, I can't imagine the numbers of how few people make money on the Internet, but because it seems like there's hundreds of thousands of people just easily making tons of cash. Look at all the podcast. Everybody's got a podcast. Like, 10 of them are good. That 10 make money. That are, you know, I'm not saying good in quality. I'm saying good in, like, finances.

[Brett]

1%.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, maybe I'd say 1% shooting high. There's so many blogs and podcasts and things and nobody making any only fans. It's less than 1% of the broad splash in their honeyhole. They're making a living off of it. You got to do something crazy or just be astronomically hot. And even then, that doesn't pay off because you got to put your incredibly hot self in positions to, you know, to make the money. Dudes don't have that option. Girls have that. That's a thing that only you have. If you look great and you want to make money and you prostitute yourself on the Internet. Tip of the cat.

[Gene]

God bless you.

[John Holmberg]

God, we don't have that. There's no dude out there going, you know, I think if I just shove my dick more on only fans. And you know how guys do have it if they want to attract gay porn? Because chicks don't like staring at dudes, wangs, and masks like a few of them do, but they're not going to. Nobody's ever going to be Internet millionaire, man. You know, wanking off all the time. This is not a thing. You introduced me to one dude who just beats off on the Internet and has a place in Paradise Valley with a negative edge pool. And you can call me a crazy person, but I don't think he exists. How'd you make all your money, Mark? Oh, I. I beat off pretty heavily. A lot. And I put it on the Internet.

[Brett]

I don't even do that. I just wrestle.

[John Holmberg]

Make it fortune. Well, if you're. Yeah, well, that's gay porn. I'm saying girls can roll around naked by themselves, and there's possibility that it's going to take up. I mean, heck, how many girls have we looked at on Instagram? They're just pictures of themselves by the pool. Yeah, they can make money doing that. Dude standing by the pools like, all right. And the gay guys are like, if you don't stick that in another dude soon, I'm clicking out. We looked at Hildy. We look at, like, how many girls? Cliff Kingsbury's girlfriend.

[Gene]

Oh, yeah, Veronica.

[John Holmberg]

Veronica. Wait, that girl's name was Veronica? But yeah. Did she fake her kidnapping? What's going on with her? But even mention her? I can see your fingers go into the keyboard. You're like, I wonder what she's posted lately. The Kardashians. There's no now the AI wants you, but there's no dude that can just jump online and be hot and make millions. He has to have something else going on.

[Brett]

You have to have millions.

[John Holmberg]

What did he do? But it wasn't because of him there. He would. He could have posted himself by himself a million times. He would have had no attention. I met a guy in Vegas once who sold milk. Like that was his job. Like he was a milk door to door milkman in New Jersey or something. But he was just absolutely shredded, like a little action hero. And I remember he had come up to my casino hostess and we're drinking and he goes, how you doing, Erica? And I'm like, that's a handsome son of a. Right there, the milkman. Something like that. I'm like, oh yeah. And he goes, blue check certified. And people gave him a high five. And I'm like, what's that? Like he had enough followers and had become just famous enough for dropping milk on people's doorsteps. But he was doing something no one else on the planet was doing anymore. He's delivering delicious milk from his dad's milk dairy thing. He had nothing to do with anything. He was just. He wasn't whipping his dinger out yet. He had like hundreds of thousands of people that were watching him deliver milk. And then that goes away pretty soon. And most of them were gay. It's eventual that you're gonna have to be gay. I just got this email from a guy that says, I started listening to your sleep schedule, John, how you've been doing this thing where you say you sleep only when your body says to sleep and you're not waking up with alarm clocks. I'm telling you there's been a couple this week because I've been off schedule. So I have the alarm and it has woke me, but it's still on my time. Said I tried it too and I've just been sleeping when my body wants to. I sleep for a few hours. I get up, get my work done. I wake up when my body says it's time to get up. And I completely back you from this because I've started to have better mental capacity because I can tell I'm more aware as soon as I wake up. My wife even said you're. This is a cognitive renaissance. And she said she's glad that I'm able to get rest and is more. And I'm more in the moment now. Thanks for all the laughs. Keep up the good work. Life changing. That's from Gene. You're right, Gene. It's an amazing thing to just not have alarms wake you. Alarms are the devil. John Holmberg's morning sickness. The 98 KUPD. Holmberg's morning sickness. And if you go to bed because you have to, you're not getting quality sleep, you're forcing yourself to sleep. This has been amazing. Went to bed about, I don't know, I fell asleep for a couple hours. You just have to not care that sometimes you're going to go to sleep in the middle of something. Not like narcolepsy but like you'll be on the couch at 7 and you'll sleep until like 10 or 11, then you're up again, it's great. And you watch some tv, you doze off, you come back. I have not had alarms consistently waking me all through 2025 and I am thousand times better than I was forcing myself to go to bed. It's outstanding. So highly recommend you give it a try. If you're one of those people like me who's like, I have to go to bed and you're wide awake at 10, 11 o'clock and I've got to go to bed, don't why stay up? Work your way through it. Have alarms just in case. They're a backup plan in case you go over over time. It's great. I also had a brand new fear unlocked yesterday. I'm not going to name names, but a, a good friend of mine, I know it's not my friend Mark was MIA for a little bit, you know, kind of just wasn't around, couldn't figure out what was going on and he had a procedure done. So I said, what was the procedure? So I just had to kind of rest it out. I'm like serious. And he goes, well, you know, seem serious. And then he went on to describe what in my hands. Look at me, I'm already, I'm already clenching up on the microphone. I'm getting nervous. He went on to explain. Now I've heard this word, this phrase before and I've never really put any time into it and I highly recommend you don't, but I'm going to unlock a fear anal fistula. Now, I've never really known what that was. I always laughed at the word fist and anus together. No matter what you had in there. It just makes me giggle because I picture something that Brett would show me but it is not. It's almost like your body bores a hole in your hole and makes a secondary tunnel.

[Gene]

Kill me now.

[John Holmberg]

Right? It's an abnormal passageway that develops inside your anus to the outside of your anus. So it's just basically like dig dug of pus and infection that shows up out of nowhere. And says, we could use the actual built exit, but why not build an off ramp here next to it? And it builds a secondary B hole in your B hole. So it kind of.

[Brett]

It's just like the Valley of Kings. There's little tunnels that shoot off.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it's like a tunnel that decides. It's like when termites start to kind of. I'm going over here for a little bit. And it. It's. It's like it develops in the upper part of your anus. Your anal glands are. And when the glands are infected, a little drainage from the infection burns and burrows a hole, like, next to your B hole. Here's the thing. I'm like, so how come you're still alive? Why didn't you die from that? Because he goes, well, it started to hurt. And it says it's very common, twice as common in males. About half the people who get an infected anal gland will develop a fistula. That's huge. And I don't even know how you avoid infected anal glands. Infected anal gland is an abscess, a pocket of pus that needs to drain. And there's really no way around it. So if you have anal pain, inflammation, or rectal bleeding, normally you think, ah, it's just a hemorrhoid. Nothing's really that bad. And then it starts to sting and everything else. And there's blood. And so he did something that. And I know for a fact I die from this. Nobody's going to know I have it. I'd be standing there, I'd be sleeping like a vampire. Just stand and lean on the walls, like. And never sit down again because nobody's going to see that. But he said he got a mirror out and he took a look at it and he saw a very obvious second hole, right? And he's like, oh, that can't be.

[Brett]

Right from the outside. I mean, like, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, it goes all the way to the edge.

[Brett]

Wow.

[John Holmberg]

And so he's like, that can't be good. So at that point, for me, I'm like, well, I die from that second hole and it never gets mentioned again. And occasionally I make a face when I sit down like, what's wrong, John? Nothing. I have. I got stung by a bee. That's it. That's all you'd know. He called his wife in to take a look.

[Gene]

Marriage only goes so far.

[John Holmberg]

Love is not that deep. For anybody to come in and say, hey, something's. The phrase quotes, something's wrong with my butthole. Take a look. Is the end of all Relationships. I'll tell you, something's wrong with my butthole. Said out loud. Yeah, right. No, she says it to me. I don't know that I even talked to her at the divorce proceedings. I think the last words we've spoken have been spoken. I think my butthole's broken. Bye. That's the only thing. Okay, well, that seems like a. I know.

[Gene]

She's starring in one of my videos, and I get. You know that I get it, you know?

[John Holmberg]

Right. But I don't love him enough to take a look at my butthole and tell me what's wrong. No. The answer is no. It says online. It says, an anal fistula looks like a hole in your skin near your anus. The hole is actually the outermost portion of the tunnel. I don't like that word. Near my butt. Which connects the abscess inside. It oozes and drains, and it poops. And this person I'm talking about said that it was like a zit. Like, it could feel. Like it could pop and drain and then come back.

[Brett]

It fills up, and then you drain on its own.

[John Holmberg]

Well, because the anal gland is infected. So he goes to the doctor, doc's like, let's take a look. Rolls him over on his side, and he goes. Doesn't even touch him. Fistula sees it immediately, like, fires off the word, and he's like, what does that mean? Like, is there some sort of antibiotic? Nope. I'm going in. And he's got to knock him out and carve up his butt and get it. You gotta. There's no other way to get it.

[Brett]

He does it right on the spot.

[John Holmberg]

Surgery. I don't know if he did it that day, but I don't know if that's the concern. He puts you out, and he goes in and he carves it out of there. Surgery's the only option. Horrifying that your body would betray you this way.

[Brett]

It could happen again. Form.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah. It can happen to you. It can happen to anybody, over and over and over. It's just. It says, what causes the fibula? A fistula, a perianal abscess. It forms over an infected anal gland. But they never tell you how they could get an infected anal gland. Your gland just decides to be infected. Anal fistula. New fear unlocked. And I don't want to play this video game anymore. Is there anyone, Brett, in your life when you feel like, hey, there's a second hole back here. Somebody needs to take a look at this. Is there anyone in your life that you'd be like, hey, feel comfortable with saying come here. What do you think? No, me neither.

[Gene]

No, that's just.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Gene]

Here's a pillow. Put it over my face right now. Just kill me now. I'm done.

[John Holmberg]

I don't think I give her the pillow.

[Brett]

I'm not asking them to look. I don't think.

[Gene]

Hell no, I'm not letting anybody ask.

[John Holmberg]

Me to look at your. At her butthole for problems.

[Brett]

Not right she, you know, like I. You'd go a doctor. Go to go see a doctor first if you think. But if she's really worried or something where she.

[John Holmberg]

You would look at her. What in the world? I don't know if he's better. If he's dumber, I'm dumber. You have no use for that back there. It's just. It's a utilitarian area, like her finger. Because if you have any sort of. There's no the desire for any love making. At least doggy style is right out the window the second I've looked at it at its worst. No. Yeah, well, you can't. If she says, and what's she turning to you for? That's the other.

[Brett]

That's what I'm saying.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. If it did though, you should say, why I need you to see if it's as bad as I think.

[Brett]

No one will look at it.

[John Holmberg]

That's the same thing as when. Yeah, that's the same thing as when somebody eats something goes, oh, this smells like here. You taste it. When people taste something awful and try to get you to taste the same things, like, my butthole's broken.

[Brett]

No need, Brett.

[John Holmberg]

Look at it like, why are you turning to me? You know your butthole better than I'm down the hall. Tell me if you see anything. No, I'm not looking at that.

[Gene]

So there's two. So there's two holes or what? I'm trying to figure this out.

[John Holmberg]

A second tunnel develops like a fork.

[Gene]

In the road adventure.

[John Holmberg]

You don't want to go up one of them. Okay. I mean, one's already pretty dirty. Imagine the anus being the yellow brick road compared to the horrible forest that you'd go down.

[Gene]

It's like going down 27th Avenue.

[John Holmberg]

I do. Like your very male brain going, hey, it's a new pleasure center. Hey, good fork in the road. Anyway, so it scared me to death and I took a look at mine yesterday. We're a. Okay. Everything's good, though. I don't have anything. Compact mirror. And I looked at it. It ain't pretty. No one should be looking or you just want to check? Oh, Jesus. I just heard this story. Yeah, I'm going to get ahead of the game here. Nothing hurts right now, but if I start to even see a pinhole beginning, I'm going to kill myself that afternoon. Horrified. No one, you know. And I have half of mine to call this guy's wife and just say, hey, when you leave him for asking you to look at his broken butthole. Because that is necessary at this point. He doesn't love you or he wouldn't ask you to do that. Nobody who loves you says, look at my broken butthole. Nobody. Nobody who loves you says that. You say that to people you hate. Hey, my asshole is disgusting. And here, take a look. Like you show that to people you don't like. But I have been. And he even said it when we were talking. He goes, if I tell you about it, you're gonna be paranoid about it. I'll be all right. And now I've been on the Internet ever since. I'm a mess. I'm a mess.

[Gene]

You been on WebMD?

[John Holmberg]

I have gone to clevelandclinic.org quite a. That seems to be a good resource for me. And then WebMD makes you put in symptoms. And right now I'm feeling pretty great. So I didn't. I didn't go down that. Pardon? I didn't go down that hole. But this says our fistula is life threatening. It says rarely. I'm like 100%. End of my life. It is life. It is not only life threatening, it is terminal. A fistula for me sounds awful.

[Brett]

I go to the pretty aggressive fistula.

[John Holmberg]

It's a tough name, too.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Sounds like it sounds like it should kill you. But I. Yeah, I have. I've made it very clear that my anus, if it decides to kill me, will win that fight and I will fight no more forever. I am the chief Joseph of the Nez Perce of asshole injuries or ailments. I'll just sit. I don't think you can call it this anymore. I'll sit Indian style. And I'll just wait for it to kill me. Like Gandhi just sitting in that room, just waiting. Like, is he going to do anything about this? No. Well, you know, we could fix it. I'm like, no, I don't put anybody through it. Yep. I think that's the most horrifying thing. Abscess. I had an abscess in my mouth once from a broken root of my teeth from boxing, and it abscessed in like an hour. It was the most painful thing I've. I can't imagine that being back door.

[Brett]

Million bucks to be the anal fistula spokesperson.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I do that. But I have to have one.

[Brett]

Yeah, you have to have.

[John Holmberg]

I would be on a deathbed.

[Brett]

We would like to use.

[John Holmberg]

Remember when John Houston used to do the commercials for copd? I'm John Houston. That would be me. Hi, I'm John Holmberg. I have an anal fister that's going to kill me. You guys should look into it if you're into it. If not, there's no shame. Exactly. And then I started thinking of my neighbors Michael and Troy. I'm like, all the things that gay guys do to their butts. And I've never heard them complain about, like. I mean.

[Gene]

So this wasn't them.

[John Holmberg]

No.

[Gene]

Oh, this is what?

[John Holmberg]

Somebody was going using names. All right.

[Gene]

No, no, no, no.

[John Holmberg]

And the reason why is because it would embarrass this person because they shouldn't be here anymore. Horrifying. I've been horrified of it ever since driving home. I'm like. And now every time I sit down, like, is that it? Like, if you even sit funny. But, yeah, I will. I will gladly tip my cap to the powers that be in the environment and everything else, saying, you win this time, friend. And then I would start plotting my end. Not Holmberg's morning sickness, the 98 KUPD, Holmberg's morning sickness. A couple of. Couple of, you know, housekeeping, things to get buttoned up, make sure everything's in order, clear the history of my phone, and then just lay there and wait for this thing to kill me. There's gotta be a better way to fix that. And one of the most common searches on anal fistulas is do they just go away on their own? Because that's what everybody's like, please don't. I don't want to show anybody this, but, yeah, when it drains, it makes its own little tunnel in your butt and bores itself out. That's not a way to live.

[Brett]

It's an easy fix. It sounds.

[John Holmberg]

No, it's not, is it? Nothing easy about it. Here's my butthole. Go get them. There's nothing about that that's easy. It's used for two things. Evacuating human waste and a little bit of pleasure occasionally, you know, a couple knuckles, maybe some pressure. That's about. Is not medically ever going to be looked into in my life. I just don't want that. I don't want that to be. Say, what causes Them, Yeah, abscess or an infection, but in the anal gland. But you can't really control that. That. So it's not like, you know, there's no.

[Brett]

I just have.

[John Holmberg]

Okay. Yeah.

[Brett]

It's not from any kind of bad habits or anything like that.

[John Holmberg]

Not probably. I don't want kind of bad habits you can have back there that caused that. But, you know, maybe there's some dietary things. I don't know what's going on back there, but that's not a thing. If my anus. My anus is the. He's in charge of the situation. If he wants to win, he can win anytime he wants. Basically, he at any time could go, I'm taking over. I'm like, all right, anus has the comm. I just step away, and you're in charge. You want to go to the doctor and have this thing looked at. I'm like, I would go and have it looked at, but if it's not a clean bill of health, that's the last time I'm going. Because the last thing I need to do is have multiple visits scheduled for butthole exams. That's not the way to live a life. Time to check out like the old pioneers used to do. Asshole hurts. Todd, I want you to marry my wife and raise my children. I'm gonna go off into the woods and disappear.

[Gene]

So it's like Crimson Tight.

[John Holmberg]

Exo. Exo has the car. Butthole has spoken. Butthole has the calm. Thank very much. Exo has the cop. We've decided to kill him from within. And he took one visit, got the diagnosis, and then he's done. He's kung fu now. He's gonna walk around the earth empty.

[Brett]

Tubes one and two.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I don't like at all how doctors don't like. You are going, like, every couple days now for this. Like, you had to go, like, four times scan. Yeah, yeah. I'm not doing that for my butthole. We need you to come back tomorrow. Well, I'm here now. Can you fix it in the next hour? Well, no, I got to make an appointment. Then you got to see a specialist, and then we got to make sure that. Now I'm going to die from this. But you could live a healthy life. No, clearly I can't. My butthole's fighting back and it's going to win.

[Gene]

Look, here's my deductible. Just take care of it now. I don't got time for this.

[John Holmberg]

I've nicknamed my butthole Mortality. That's his name because he represents if I live or die on a regular basis. Things start going wrong back there. I don't want that. I had a friend years ago whose wife had to start pooping in a side bag. And it's like, if you'd never gone to the doctor, would you have known about this? Like, no. Do you feel different than you did before the side back? No. Shouldn't have gone.

[Brett]

Got a friend that just shouldn't have gone.

[John Holmberg]

Yesterday, got surgery to get side back.

[Brett]

Avoided the sidebar. It was looking like they had to do it.

[John Holmberg]

And there'll be 30 more visits.

[Brett]

I'll have to.

[John Holmberg]

Prediction. Side bag within by Christmas.

[Gene]

Miguel says you guys sound old. I'd eat both holes.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, man, you can eat your own pole. Not talking about somebody else. I wouldn't. I just don't want them asking me to look at the. If something's wrong with your B hole, that's your thing. Don't drag me into it. I dive in there, bro, chow down, man. It's like one of those plates with a divider on it. You got your corn side. You got, like. You know what to eat. The south berry steak.

[Gene]

Tv.

[John Holmberg]

TV dinner, right? This is like a TV dinner.

[Gene]

Now the brownie right in the middle.

[John Holmberg]

There's that weird kind of tapioca pudding coming out of that one side.

[Brett]

Throw some foil on it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Heat it up.

[John Holmberg]

No. Anyway, so, yeah, I've been off. Off. And it's been weeks since the incident and still, like, you know, has to sit on pillows and it's tender. It would have killed me. Would have been the end of me. I go to the doctor and be like, hey, something's wrong back there. You want me to take a look at it? No, I want you to load me up for, like. Like, you know Michael Jackson's doctor? I do that.

[Brett]

Can't believe he told you.

[John Holmberg]

Well, I just asked.

[Brett]

No, I'm saying even if someone asked, I had a procedure done.

[John Holmberg]

Well, I was like, what happened? And then the guy with us was like, tell him. And I'm like, oh, it was a funny procedure. So I just seemed like hemorrhoids or something because he had to sit on these pillows. That's the worst. Yeah. Yeah. I had a friend when he was 22. He's still alive today and shouldn't be, but he had goddamn vineyard coming out of his butt when he was, like, 22. He had a grapevine just piled out piles. Gotta go get some surge. You're gonna miss the next couple weeks of basketball. Like, what's going on? Piles. I'm Like, I don't know what that is. Well, that's another word for hemorrhoids. I'm like, wow. But when they get as big as mine are, like, wow. Enough talking. When they get as big as mine are, get in the box. Yeah, I'm not. I'm not doing any of that. Not a gateway. I'm like one of those ladies from the 70s. Like, that is an exit only. Maybe a little pressure pleasure point, but we're not going crazy. I'll wash it. I keep it clean. I keep that thing spotless because I want to please it at all times. That is my golden calf. So anal fistulas, if you've had one, congratulations. There's a. A strong group of people out there that probably no longer with us because they. They found that second hole. Her. I'd be rubbing salve on it. I'd be doing all sorts of home remedies. The Internet would teach me how to fix it until it killed me. And I would start taking. Like. I'd steal painkillers and rub it all over there. What's that style? Icy Hot all over it.

[Gene]

Hopefully it kills whatever it does.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I would just. Yeah. Put the bottle of peroxide right in there and tilt it back like we were in a chugging contest. That would be kind of neat, too, to watch all that foam come out like a mad dog. Anyway, new fear unlocked.

[Brett]

Brady's probably gonna go Mento in there. Y'all watching erupt?

[John Holmberg]

I don't think that's gonna help the infection. I'm not listening to Dr. Dumbass over here.

[Brett]

Mento and some coke.

[John Holmberg]

No, I'll go with the peroxide because that's actual medicine. Medical stuff. Yeah, you want to put sugar and a beverage in your ass, you go crazy. Can't imagine why your infection's not getting better. Meanwhile, Brett and I are pouring peroxide. Peroxide cures things.

[Gene]

That's right.

[John Holmberg]

That's old school mom right there. What'd you do? I don't know. It just pours peroxide all over. What, the burn or the cut Sizzles.

[Gene]

It's like, mounts.

[John Holmberg]

It hurts. It hurts. It hurts. Well, that means it's working. Never had a bad experience with peroxide, except for the one time that I had a cold sore in my mouth, and I had been misguided to believe that gargling peroxide would fix that. Well, you're supposed to cut it. I didn't know that. So I just walked right out of the bottle. Woke up the next morning with about 55 sores in my mouth. Horrible bloody mess. But, hey, look, I'm still here. I didn't go to the doctor for that either, because then I have to tell a doctor how dumb I was. And he'd look at me and go, you don't need to be on this planet. What did you do with peroxide? Oh, I gargled it straight up. Yeah, I didn't know. You're an idiot. I should wander off into traffic, but that's how it works. Brett, what do you got on the big board of musical treats that is just one hole.

[Gene]

Yes. Wake Up Song time, of course, is brought to you by Action Ride Shop. Big ding going on on Saturday. It is the Action Ride Shop grand opening, part two over there on Power Road and McDowell. Josh and the boys taking care of everything out there. The pivot demo trucks can be out there with their new models. They're going to be giving away a bike, plus a bunch of other stuff going on. So head on out there. We'll be hanging out from 11 to one. And for all your skiing and snowboarding needs, head on over to location one on Gilbert Road in Southern. They got the full line to get you up on the mountain, so actionrideshop.com finds going on.

[John Holmberg]

My uncle is in town. I just found that out a couple days ago, and he's been going through a lot of medical stuff. And they had to bag him up on the side. It wasn't of his butthole, though. It was something going on internally. And he said, man, flying here, my side bag almost blew up on the plane from the pressure. It was horrifying. Ooh, man. I don't want that to be something I have to worry about. Dennis, drive out here next time. Starts swelling. You're like, oh, God, my full bag's gonna blow. Everybody get out.

[Brett]

She's gonna blow.

[John Holmberg]

Christ on a crutch. Ian is, oh, good, we got some information from them.

[Gene]

No.

[John Holmberg]

Ian Schwartz from Channel 3 says, I had a perianal abscess when I worked in Albuquerque. I would ask how, but you don't wanna know. When I spread eagle, the doctor was a great lancet. He said, this is chili. This is the worst thing that can happen. Weatherman Ian Schwartz says I spread eagle, and the doctor was about to lance it. He says, aren't you the weather guy? Just take this gobble to my neck, Doc. The worst feeling in the world to get recognized with your ass in the air. Hey, I know you. You're the weatherman. Nice, asshole. Thanks. You've been using this A lot. Weatherman Schwartz. Yeah, it's got some miles on it.

[Gene]

All right on the list. A lot of the stuff for the road trip stuff. Love, hate, sex, pain, Killing time from Metallica. All love is lost from Body count. Bled for days from Static X, Iron Fist, Motorhead. Wasted years for all the people that have kids out there letting them go on those trips. Kid Rock American Badass for the hockey tonight center field from Fogarty for spring training.

[John Holmberg]

Let's do a little Kid Rock because this holiday holiday thing has. Holiday road's not bad for the Gabby Petito number one. Boy, are we fascinated with death. OJ Simpson usurped as the number one show on Netflix by Gabby Petito. We love crime. American Badass is what we'll do because tonight's hockey game has everybody all interested. International hockey is. People love the sport. There's something wrong with the NHL because they need to figure out how to get this kind of passion for the regular season because man oh man, is everybody talking about that crazy ass awesome game that's going to happen tonight between Canada and the US of A.

[Gene]

What's the fanduel odds on fights this game?

[John Holmberg]

I don't know if they have an over under but there were three in the first nine seconds and those Tachuk boys, they're going to want and Canada is going to want some blood.

[Brett]

This is, this is it in Boston. Where is it?

[John Holmberg]

I think it's Boston or New York tonight. Yeah. So we get an American version.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Gene]

So they're gonna be booing the Canadian national.

[John Holmberg]

We be. Yeah. Oh, it's. Oh, it's Eggin on and it's Boston. So it's.

[Gene]

What time does that start?

[John Holmberg]

A bunch of prick racists that'll be screaming out about Canadian. They'll have good shots. I don't know what time it starts. Probably seven, but that's gonna be a solid one. So we'll do American Badass and wave that flag a little bit, throw our MAGA hats on and just be overly American for the night against Canada who we shouldn't really. This is kind of like kicking a special ed kid but when it comes to hockey, something to whip their ass. So let's do it twice in a week and beat them up along the way. Arizona's most powerful, powerful rock radio station.