Holmberg’s Morning Sickness – Brady Report

Episode Summary: “Chinese Invented Golf, Box Darts Idea, Cronk Size Discussion, 2006 BO”

Podcast: Holmberg's Morning Sickness – Arizona
Date: February 20, 2026
Participants: John Holmberg (C), Brady Bogen (D), Bret Vesely (B), Dick Toledo (E), Callers (F, A)

Overview

This episode of Holmberg’s Morning Sickness dives into a characteristic blend of irreverent local news, international trivia, outrageous hypotheticals, and more than a few over-the-line jokes. The team covers everything from the alleged Chinese invention of golf, international “shaft size” stats, wild ideas for adapting prisons, the hazards of box darts (a new party game using sex toys), and continued rants against meth-heads, all while peppering in their unfiltered commentary and banter. As always, the "Brady Report" is the central segment, with John, Brady, Bret, and Toledo offering their perspectives with signature edge and humor.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Indians, Rain Dances, and Disturbed Tickets

• [01:13-03:12] Holmberg reports on a live broadcast location and riffs about Native Americans and Indian food, intertwined with crude humor about digestive side effects.
• Holmberg announces a giveaway: tickets to the band Disturbed for anyone, even proposing, “I’d like to throw out some disturbed tickets to an Indian who rains.”
  • Notable quote:
    • “One thing about east indie food, man, I love it, but it’s an ass contraption. It does things to your ass that... hookers can't do.” – John Holmberg [02:14]

2. Americans’ Shifting Opinions on Obesity

• [03:14-05:11] Brady shares a 20-year-old survey on public opinion regarding overweight people, noting a decline in those who find them unattractive (from 55% to 24%). Discussion turns to obesity rates, salad orders, and snack avoidance, with the team satirizing “fat rights groups.”
  • Notable quote:
    • “Now they’re a race. We have fat rights groups... and they’re not a race, they’re just a group of pigs.” – John Holmberg [04:20]

3. Global “Shaft Size” Statistics

• [05:11-07:00] Brady reveals new data on average penis sizes by country, to much mockery and disbelief: Americans sit at an average of 5”, trailing Japanese, Italians, and others. Koreans and Indians take the bottom spots.
  • Team jokes about running their own “office contest.”
  • Notable quote:
    • “We lost to the Japs in the shaft contest.” – John Holmberg [06:21]
    • “We should find out privately, end in an honor system, who has the biggest wang in here.” – John Holmberg [07:11]

4. Colombian Condom Law

• [08:07-09:50] City in Tulua, Colombia, wants all over-14s to carry a condom at all times; fines for non-compliance are $180. The move is spurred by high AIDS rates.
  • Notable quote:
    • “I don’t know where Tulua is, but it sounds like Mecca.” – John Holmberg [08:57]
    • Team riffs on the “12-hour condom turnaround.”

5. Margaret Jackson, Qantas, and Airport Security

• [10:07-11:44] Humorous recounting of Qantas CEO Margaret Jackson being stopped by airport security, with the guard incredulous a woman held such a post.
  • Notable quote:
    • “He is the... best security at an airport I’ve ever heard.” – John Holmberg [11:00]
    • “She’s a CEO. Gotta have some man abilities.” – John Holmberg [11:23]

6. Pat Robertson’s Remarks and Jesus Land

• [11:44-13:28] Pat Robertson claims Ariel Sharon’s stroke was God’s punishment; team mocks his business ventures in Israel (e.g., a Christian ‘Jesus Land’ theme park).
  • Notable quote:
    • “Now that would be cool… Jesus hydroplane across the water of Israel.” – John Holmberg [12:55]
    • “Pat Robertson's an idiot and whatever God he worships right now, I’m not a fan of.” – John Holmberg [13:13]

7. Did the Chinese Invent Golf?

• [15:35-18:59] Scotland’s claim to have invented golf is challenged by new Chinese academic findings; the team ridicules the notion, tying in Scots’ supposed lack of national pride without golf.
  • Notable quotes:
    • “We brought you golf, you stupid bastard.” – John Holmberg [15:59]
    • “Ancient Chinese secret, huh? 3.7 inches, ancient magic.” – John Holmberg [18:45]

8. Pregnant Women in the Carpool Lane

• [18:59-19:25] Local story about a woman fined for using the HOV lane while pregnant, arguing her fetus counts as a passenger.
  • Notable quote:
    • “Brilliant on her part.” – John Holmberg [19:20]
    • “There’s two of us in here! I’ll keep one in my belly.” – John Holmberg [19:25]

9. Innovative Prison Bed-Sharing Proposal

• [19:37-20:51] Idaho senator suggests “shift sleeping” in prisons to double bed capacity without new construction. Hosts discuss the logic, joke about bed platoons and increased license plate productivity.

10. Assault with a “Large Sex Toy” and the Birth of “Box Darts”

• [21:01-23:40] Man in Ohio convicted for hurling a large sex toy at girlfriend’s face (six stitches needed). The team invents “Box Darts” – a game for tossing dildos at a—consenting—target, elaborating on scoring, party ideas, and necessary “dart” modifications.
  • Notable/funny moments:
    • “How do you get into a fight with somebody where the dildo is the first weapon you have?” – John Holmberg [21:43]
    • “That’s a good idea. Honey, take your pants off. Me and the guys want to play darts.” – John Holmberg [23:47]
    • “You might need to put some lead weights in the head of it, some feathers on the end…” – Brady Bogen [23:20]

11. Naked Meth-Head Showdown

• [24:04-28:22] Missouri woman, high on meth and other drugs, holds police at knife and stun-gun point, then strips. Conversation meanders into why police should be able to shoot more freely, "Darwinism," child safety, and the dangers posed by addicts.
  • Notable quote:
    • “This is where cops need full authority to just pull out the gun and fire…” – John Holmberg [25:02]
    • “Cops are Darwin’s people. Weed out the weak.” – John Holmberg [28:50]

12. Call-In: The “Meth Head” Problem and Law Enforcement

• [30:35-34:50] Jessica, a South Scottsdale listener, calls to share her experiences living among local “tweakers,” expresses strong support for allowing police to use more force, and her own willingness to defend herself.
  • Notable quote:
    • “I walk to my car with my piece on me. Anybody even asks me for a dollar, they’re going to get a little bit more than a dollar from me.” – Jessica the caller [31:05]
    • “People shouldn’t be afraid of cops unless you’ve got something to hide or you’re doing something wrong.” – Jessica [31:52]
    • Hosts debate rehabilitation, legalizing drugs, and societal impacts.

Additional Memorable Moments & Running Gags

• Comparison of golf’s origins to spaghetti/noodle history ([29:39]).
• Hypothetical “Meth Head Island” as a solution for the drug problem ([34:07]).
• Jokes about neighborhood safety, child fundraising, and the declining American work ethic.
• “I miss those candy bars” – nostalgia for safer times, contrasted with contemporary dangers for kids ([28:18-28:50]).
• Lasting riff on the supposed “fat rights” movement and how cultural attitudes have shifted.

Conclusion

Holmberg and crew fill this "Brady Report" episode with jabs at society’s oddities and news stories, all delivered in their trademark brash, rapid-fire style. Whether joking about international size stats, deadpan support for "Box Darts," or lamenting the fate of Scottish pride, the team maintains a provocative, sometimes controversial, always energetic tone, inviting listeners to laugh, groan, or argue along.