02-20-26 - Brady Report - Chinese Invented Golf - Box Darts Idea - Cronk Size Discussion - 2006 BO

Summary

Holmberg’s Morning Sickness – Brady Report

Episode Summary: “Chinese Invented Golf, Box Darts Idea, Cronk Size Discussion, 2006 BO”

Podcast: Holmberg's Morning Sickness – Arizona
Date: February 20, 2026
Participants: John Holmberg (C), Brady Bogen (D), Bret Vesely (B), Dick Toledo (E), Callers (F, A)

---

Overview

This episode of Holmberg’s Morning Sickness dives into a characteristic blend of irreverent local news, international trivia, outrageous hypotheticals, and more than a few over-the-line jokes. The team covers everything from the alleged Chinese invention of golf, international “shaft size” stats, wild ideas for adapting prisons, the hazards of box darts (a new party game using sex toys), and continued rants against meth-heads, all while peppering in their unfiltered commentary and banter. As always, the "Brady Report" is the central segment, with John, Brady, Bret, and Toledo offering their perspectives with signature edge and humor.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Indians, Rain Dances, and Disturbed Tickets

• [01:13-03:12] Holmberg reports on a live broadcast location and riffs about Native Americans and Indian food, intertwined with crude humor about digestive side effects.
• Holmberg announces a giveaway: tickets to the band Disturbed for anyone, even proposing, “I’d like to throw out some disturbed tickets to an Indian who rains.”
  • Notable quote:
    • “One thing about east indie food, man, I love it, but it’s an ass contraption. It does things to your ass that... hookers can't do.” – John Holmberg [02:14]

---

2. Americans’ Shifting Opinions on Obesity

• [03:14-05:11] Brady shares a 20-year-old survey on public opinion regarding overweight people, noting a decline in those who find them unattractive (from 55% to 24%). Discussion turns to obesity rates, salad orders, and snack avoidance, with the team satirizing “fat rights groups.”
  • Notable quote:
    • “Now they’re a race. We have fat rights groups... and they’re not a race, they’re just a group of pigs.” – John Holmberg [04:20]

---

3. Global “Shaft Size” Statistics

• [05:11-07:00] Brady reveals new data on average penis sizes by country, to much mockery and disbelief: Americans sit at an average of 5”, trailing Japanese, Italians, and others. Koreans and Indians take the bottom spots.
  • Team jokes about running their own “office contest.”
  • Notable quote:
    • “We lost to the Japs in the shaft contest.” – John Holmberg [06:21]
    • “We should find out privately, end in an honor system, who has the biggest wang in here.” – John Holmberg [07:11]

---

4. Colombian Condom Law

• [08:07-09:50] City in Tulua, Colombia, wants all over-14s to carry a condom at all times; fines for non-compliance are $180. The move is spurred by high AIDS rates.
  • Notable quote:
    • “I don’t know where Tulua is, but it sounds like Mecca.” – John Holmberg [08:57]
    • Team riffs on the “12-hour condom turnaround.”

---

5. Margaret Jackson, Qantas, and Airport Security

• [10:07-11:44] Humorous recounting of Qantas CEO Margaret Jackson being stopped by airport security, with the guard incredulous a woman held such a post.
  • Notable quote:
    • “He is the... best security at an airport I’ve ever heard.” – John Holmberg [11:00]
    • “She’s a CEO. Gotta have some man abilities.” – John Holmberg [11:23]

---

6. Pat Robertson’s Remarks and Jesus Land

• [11:44-13:28] Pat Robertson claims Ariel Sharon’s stroke was God’s punishment; team mocks his business ventures in Israel (e.g., a Christian ‘Jesus Land’ theme park).
  • Notable quote:
    • “Now that would be cool… Jesus hydroplane across the water of Israel.” – John Holmberg [12:55]
    • “Pat Robertson's an idiot and whatever God he worships right now, I’m not a fan of.” – John Holmberg [13:13]

---

7. Did the Chinese Invent Golf?

• [15:35-18:59] Scotland’s claim to have invented golf is challenged by new Chinese academic findings; the team ridicules the notion, tying in Scots’ supposed lack of national pride without golf.
  • Notable quotes:
    • “We brought you golf, you stupid bastard.” – John Holmberg [15:59]
    • “Ancient Chinese secret, huh? 3.7 inches, ancient magic.” – John Holmberg [18:45]

---

8. Pregnant Women in the Carpool Lane

• [18:59-19:25] Local story about a woman fined for using the HOV lane while pregnant, arguing her fetus counts as a passenger.
  • Notable quote:
    • “Brilliant on her part.” – John Holmberg [19:20]
    • “There’s two of us in here! I’ll keep one in my belly.” – John Holmberg [19:25]

---

9. Innovative Prison Bed-Sharing Proposal

• [19:37-20:51] Idaho senator suggests “shift sleeping” in prisons to double bed capacity without new construction. Hosts discuss the logic, joke about bed platoons and increased license plate productivity.

---

10. Assault with a “Large Sex Toy” and the Birth of “Box Darts”

• [21:01-23:40] Man in Ohio convicted for hurling a large sex toy at girlfriend’s face (six stitches needed). The team invents “Box Darts” – a game for tossing dildos at a—consenting—target, elaborating on scoring, party ideas, and necessary “dart” modifications.
  • Notable/funny moments:
    • “How do you get into a fight with somebody where the dildo is the first weapon you have?” – John Holmberg [21:43]
    • “That’s a good idea. Honey, take your pants off. Me and the guys want to play darts.” – John Holmberg [23:47]
    • “You might need to put some lead weights in the head of it, some feathers on the end…” – Brady Bogen [23:20]

---

11. Naked Meth-Head Showdown

• [24:04-28:22] Missouri woman, high on meth and other drugs, holds police at knife and stun-gun point, then strips. Conversation meanders into why police should be able to shoot more freely, "Darwinism," child safety, and the dangers posed by addicts.
  • Notable quote:
    • “This is where cops need full authority to just pull out the gun and fire…” – John Holmberg [25:02]
    • “Cops are Darwin’s people. Weed out the weak.” – John Holmberg [28:50]

---

12. Call-In: The “Meth Head” Problem and Law Enforcement

• [30:35-34:50] Jessica, a South Scottsdale listener, calls to share her experiences living among local “tweakers,” expresses strong support for allowing police to use more force, and her own willingness to defend herself.
  • Notable quote:
    • “I walk to my car with my piece on me. Anybody even asks me for a dollar, they’re going to get a little bit more than a dollar from me.” – Jessica the caller [31:05]
    • “People shouldn’t be afraid of cops unless you’ve got something to hide or you’re doing something wrong.” – Jessica [31:52]
    • Hosts debate rehabilitation, legalizing drugs, and societal impacts.

---

Additional Memorable Moments & Running Gags

• Comparison of golf’s origins to spaghetti/noodle history ([29:39]).
• Hypothetical “Meth Head Island” as a solution for the drug problem ([34:07]).
• Jokes about neighborhood safety, child fundraising, and the declining American work ethic.
• “I miss those candy bars” – nostalgia for safer times, contrasted with contemporary dangers for kids ([28:18-28:50]).
• Lasting riff on the supposed “fat rights” movement and how cultural attitudes have shifted.

---

Conclusion

Holmberg and crew fill this "Brady Report" episode with jabs at society’s oddities and news stories, all delivered in their trademark brash, rapid-fire style. Whether joking about international size stats, deadpan support for "Box Darts," or lamenting the fate of Scottish pride, the team maintains a provocative, sometimes controversial, always energetic tone, inviting listeners to laugh, groan, or argue along.

Transcript

[A]

You're listening to the HMS Podcast, brought to you by mmpguns.com, your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories.

[B]

This President's Day. If you're shopping for a new truck, suv, electric vehicle or crossover, you owe it to yourself to check out your Valley Chevy dealers during the President's Day sales event. Live life bigger in a traverse or the roomy and dependable tracks where versatility meets agility. Or the Silverado or Colorado trucks that fit your lifestyle. Don't miss your chance to drive yours away this President's Day. See your Valley Chevy dealers or visit valleychevy.com for the President's Day sales event going on now. Together, let's drive this President's Day. If you're shopping for a new truck, suv, electric vehicle or crossover, you owe it to yourself to check out your Valley Chevy dealers during the President's Day sales event. Live life bigger in a traverse or the roomy and dependable tracks where versatility meets agility or the Silverado or Colorado trucks that fit your lifestyle. Don't miss your chance to drive yours away this President's Day. See your Valley Chevy dealers or visit valleychevy.com for the President's Day sales event going on now. Together, let's drive the rest of Homeburg's morning sickness.

[C]

This is the Big Red Radio. The big red radio. 98k upd. Rage against the machine. I said rage against the fire. That's what a fireman does. It's time now for Brady to do the news. And that is something we call the Brady Report. Brady gives you news no one else has the courage to give you. Eric is out at 43rd Avenue in Bethany home this morning at the Fry's. There's already people waiting out there looking for Indians, Native Americans. Not that we want feathers, not dots out there. Actually, can the dots do them too?

[D]

Hey, I. I say it's. It's open house, wouldn't it Rainbow. You need anything? I don't know if they. I don't. I don't think the dots, I don't know, maybe bring out a cow.

[C]

And this isn't a shot at Indians. It's just that that part of the world, and I know India is farther away, but that part of the world right now, a rain dance from them could be a reign of terror.

[D]

If an eastern Indian want stop by, bring some chicken tikka masala or something.

[C]

I want my bowels throughout January.

[D]

Naan bread or something.

[C]

One thing about east indie food, man, I love it, but it's an ass contraption. It does things to your ass. It can that you know, hookers can't do. I mean it's just violent. What's going on?

[D]

Way to ruin a good dish of lamb.

[C]

I mean, sometimes some Indian restaurants I think I'd rather just have a cellmate than eat the because my ass turns into a twisted mess. 43rd Avenue and Bethany home out there at Fry's. He's also got Cinderella shoes. Creep. Varella try on my ex wife's marriage wedding shoes. The one that she used to test the colors of dresses and you can be Cinderella and get tickets to Disturbed. I found them in the garage. I don't know what to do with them.

[D]

I'd like to throw out lots of ish to my eastern Indian friends.

[C]

I don't know what that means.

[D]

Ish is love.

[C]

I'd like to throw out some disturbed tickets to an Indian who rain. So that's what I'm doing at 6:19 in the morning sickness Brady reported 20

[D]

years ago, the market research firm called NPD Group asked Americans if they thought overweight people were unattractive. 55% foolishly answered in the affirmative. The extra meat around the buttocks, arms and cankles was not desirable.

[C]

Cankles are the worst.

[D]

Now NPD just finished doing the same survey again. 20 years later, 70% percentage has plummeted.

[C]

Really? People will deal with the fatty 24

[D]

of Americans now think chubbies.

[C]

No.

[D]

Are unattractive.

[C]

No.

[D]

Which means 76%. Three quarters of all Americans are certified chubby. Chase.

[C]

It's a lie. Brady. 20 years ago, people weren't afraid to say fat people weren't attractive because. Because it was politically correct still to pick on fat people and midgets.

[A]

Wrong.

[C]

Yes, because fat people weren't a race in the 80s. Now they're a race. They have, you know, we have fat rights groups and fat people this. And I don't have to buy two

[D]

tickets if I take on this with your theory. But the reason why is there's a lot more people that have joined the ranks of the judges.

[C]

Very true. There's more fat people too. But there's also fat groups as if they are some sort of a race. Like this is something that you know, like from fatopia. And they're not a race. They're just a group of pigs.

[D]

Back in the late 80s, before people thought they could lose weight on all beef diets, 10% of all meals order at restaurants were salads. That's down to 5.5%.

[C]

Holy cow.

[D]

And in 1985, 45% of the people said they were trying to avoid snacking entirely. Down to 26%.

[C]

People are fat and happy. Went through the 90s making money, but yeah, 24% saying that. There's 30% that are just afraid that they'll get their name put in the survey if they say fat people are gross. Make it 25% because I'm putting my vote in.

[D]

We've got another poll out, John. A poll of polls. New numbers breaking down shaft size by country have been released.

[C]

Oh, boy.

[D]

And if you're an American, it's not good. Pretty much all you can say is thank God for the Koreans.

[C]

Worst. We're ready for the second. Oh, no.

[D]

The heightened unmentionable of a filthy Frenchman is 6.2 inches. That means they've got over 20 more package than us.

[C]

Wow.

[D]

Because the average engorged American is sporting just five even. We also come in behind the Italians. Is that right there at 5.9. The Mexicans 5.8. The Germans, 5.6. Chileans, 5 1/2.

[C]

I have a small.

[D]

Colombians, 5.4, but I don't including the coke filled condom. The Spaniards.

[C]

So wait, they get an extra point four for the coke at the end of the reservoir tip.

[D]

And here you go, America. Japanese, 5.1.

[C]

We lost to the Japs in the shaft contest.

[D]

We tied with the Venezuelan men. We managed to sneak.

[C]

I don't care about them.

[D]

We managed to sneak out wins over the Saudis and Brazilians. 4.8.

[C]

Oh, this is devastating.

[D]

Two countries that measured up the worst were India. They're packing a giant 4 inches. And South Korea, 3.7.

[C]

Wow. Koreans have little wangs.

[D]

Poor Jim Wilson wondering why are the Africans missing? They didn't have a yardstick.

[C]

We're at 5 inches as an average for the. We lost to the Japanese. We've been making fun of them for years about how little their weighings are.

[D]

The only thing I have to question on this is where the survey came out of the click press.

[C]

Did they ask anybody in this room?

[D]

I'm not sure if that's a European.

[C]

Did they ask anybody in here?

[D]

Nope.

[C]

We should find out privately end in an honor system who has the biggest wang in here. Because if. Well, no, because you know what? On the off chance that it's Eric, we'd never hear the end of it. But there's no way he's got a good side.

[D]

No way.

[C]

His life has been filled with so much stress. That thing didn't have time to grow.

[D]

That would Set me in a tailspin for years.

[C]

If Eric had a larger weighing. Yeah, yeah. I think I might shoot myself. Yeah. He's so nervous. Yeah.

[D]

His.

[C]

His life is like being in cold water. There's no way that thing is bigger than mine. I gotta know now if I'm. Yeah, that's true. I whipped mine out on the telephone the other day and showed him a camera shot of my wang just to make him uncomfortable.

[D]

Perhaps in your travels and the information. Information super highway.

[C]

Did I really do that at lunch?

[D]

Yes.

[C]

Why is it that these things happen and I Forget them within 24 hours and now I'm embarrassed by it? Should have been embarrassed by it then. Sorry. Go ahead.

[D]

If on the web searching that you accidentally stopped off with the naughty Adult website 8th Street Latinas.

[C]

Been there.

[D]

Brace your felt. Brace yourself here for this one. Because the city in Tulua, western Colombia, they're working on a law that would require everyone over the age of 14, male and female, to carry a condom with them at all times. Because you never know which back alley you accidentally find yourself doing a daytime romp in. Because that's what happens in Tulua.

[C]

I don't know where Tulua is, but it sounds like Mecca.

[D]

Colombia.

[C]

Okay, I'm going to Colombia.

[D]

The city fathers admit that condom will pretty much burn a hole in your pocket. William Pena, the city councilman who came up with the plan, says sexual relations are going on constantly. If you carry a condom, chances are you'll use it during the day. It's not going to be there forever. There's about a 12 hour turnaround on those babies.

[C]

Really?

[D]

If you're 14 and if you're. If you're found condomless.

[C]

Fine.

[D]

180 bucks.

[C]

Wow.

[D]

The other reason the law is there is there's 190,000 people in Colombia with AIDS.

[C]

Well, that might do it. Not a very big country.

[D]

Half the people have aids.

[C]

Thank you, Brady.

[E]

Sure.

[C]

That's on the commercials in their homeland. Do you have aids?

[D]

Brazil is number one as far as the highest AIDS rates.

[C]

Well, they screw each other like monkeys down there.

[D]

Toledo, you were asking me earlier. There's a picture of Margaret Jackson. She is the CEO of Qantas Airways. She was the one that got screened yesterday by the TSA screeners and she was identified only as Bill. The screener is identified only as Bill. But notice Margaret was carrying detailed plans of a Qantas plane, including cross section diagrams showing seat layouts. He asked her, why you have this. She told him, I'm the chairman of

[C]

Qantas he said, you're a woman. You're a woman.

[D]

Take your shirt off.

[C]

Did you make it? Take your shirt off.

[D]

No.

[C]

Oh nuts.

[D]

Well, he can't.

[C]

I would have.

[D]

Margaret says, quote this black guy who was 8ft tall said, but you're a woman.

[C]

Perfect. He's right.

[D]

Give that guy a promotion.

[C]

Give that guy. He is the. That's the brain. Best security at an airport I've ever heard.

[D]

Margaret got identified as a high risk terror suspect and she should have ended up getting detained for an hour and frisked until she could prove.

[C]

Give me some ideas.

[D]

CEO of Qantas.

[C]

Amen.

[D]

Does she have some good feminine traits? I haven't seen a picture of her. Toledo.

[C]

A little fella like. Well, she'd have to be. She's a CEO. Gotta have some man abilities. That's the point though. And that's what, that's, that's the two biggest suspicions in the world is that she's got detailed blueprints of an airplane and she says she's the CEO, she's a woman. And whether she likes it or not, that's rare.

[D]

I didn't really mention this too much last week because it's just, you know, seems to be happening frequently. But Pat Robertson was back in the news because he basically said, said Ariel Sharon's stroke. It was God's punishment. Sharon's dividing up Israel and giving part of the Holy Land to the Palestinians. What Robertson didn't realize was that the Israeli government and the Jewish people don't take kindly to such.

[C]

No, they should. They're gonna have him killed.

[D]

They will not look at the past. And they're not doing business either because Pat has been working with the Israeli government on building a Christian theme park called Jesus Land in Galilee. The deal was that he'd drum up 50 million to build it and including the largest cross demon drop.

[C]

He drops down the cross. Oh, I got hung up on a

[D]

nail which you end up hydroplanting and water.

[C]

Yeah, now that would be cool.

[D]

But they won't give him the land.

[C]

That's a good idea.

[D]

He built it. And Israel would turn around and give him the land rent free.

[C]

That would rock break. You imagine hydroplaning, you know, be like Jesus hydroplane across the water of Israel. You're fine. Why don't Bill Clinton's down there.

[D]

But since he verbally abused your own, that's going to put a little hitch in the giddy up. Now. I don't know why he wouldn't think of that. To be begin with because Pat Robertson's

[C]

an idiot and whatever God he worships right now, I'm not a fan of I don't know where Pat Robertson's going here, but calling for assassinations of people like he did a few months ago, and then saying stuff like that

[E]

is

[D]

coming around a little bit. He's responding to stimulation. And they've put one thing that's basically on code red danger, the plate of orange chicken next to the bed. Go after it.

[C]

The large dude, that'd be funny to watch. We put a timer on that,

[D]

Hear

[F]

the words you say sometimes.

[B]

I mean, who talks like that?

[A]

Hey, it's Brett Vesely and I'm here with Byron from MMP Guns. Look Byron, I have a friend wanting to sell some guns he inherited. What's the best way for him to do that?

[E]

Brett, the last thing you to do is sell the gun to someone who can't legally own one. Tell him not to put himself at risk and come into M and P Guns where he'll get a fair offer and he can rest easy knowing it's not getting into the wrong hands.

[A]

Okay, but what if he lives out of state?

[E]

Easy legalgunbuyer.com and he can do it all online. It's really that simple.

[A]

There you have it. MMP Guns or legalgunbuyer.com the safe and legal way to sell your firearms.

[B]

Well, it's now the NBA's time to shine. For us Suns fans, that means fast breaks and buzzer beaters are front and center. It's Dick Toledo for Underdog, the app where picking the NBA can score you thousand times your money. And playing on Underdog is so easy. Just pick if players will go higher or lower on their stats. And here's a sneaky good play I like. Take Grayson Allen higher on three point attempts and Mark Williams higher on rebounds. But whatever the statin you like, Underdog's got it. So play on Underdog with me and download the app today and use promo code HMS to score $75 in bonus entries when you play your first $5. Underdog Make Picks win money must be 1819 in Alabama and Nebraska, 19 in Colorado for some games, 21 in Arizona, Massachusetts and Virginia and present in a state where Underdog fant operates, terms apply. Concerned with your play, call 1-800-MY-RESET or visit www.ncpgambling.org Arizona 1-800-Next Step 1-800-639-8783 or text Next Step to 53342 New York call the 247 Hope Line at 1-877-8-HOPE NY or text Hope NY to 467369.

[C]

Holmberg's Morning Sickness.

[D]

Scotland has very little to brag about. We know that from our friend Thomas. Yeah. The Loch Ness monster is phony. Everyone hates bagpipes.

[C]

Very true.

[D]

Pretty much leaves just them with kilts and alcohol. The movie Highlander.

[C]

That's true. And Braveheart.

[D]

And you'd say, but wait, we invented golf.

[C]

We brought you golf, you stupid bastard.

[B]

Wrong.

[D]

Professor Ling Hong Ling.

[C]

What's this?

[D]

The University of China has got proof that Chinese invented golf.

[C]

The Chinese did not invent.

[D]

In fact the Chinese invented golf 500 years before Scottish even dreamed of it.

[C]

That's a flat out lie.

[D]

Ling uncovered a book called the the Dongswan Records which was written during China's song dynasty between 960 and 1279 AD. The book makes reference to a game that was invented a few years earlier in 945 AD called Chihuahuan Gorf. Shawan is described as quote, a game in which you hit a ball with a stick while walking into goals in the ground you want to hit.

[C]

That sounds like golf to me.

[D]

There are pictures of people playing using 10 different clubs that resemble modern drivers. Woods wedges. In fact, one of them was called Callaway. No, Callaway.

[C]

Clubs that advanced Scots were just that behind. I just made this up. Stupid bastards.

[D]

Of course, Scotland's first recorded reference to golf came in 1457. 512 years later.

[C]

Wow.

[D]

But a representative from the Royal and Ancient golf club in Scotland, Golf's ruling body of course shook off Ling's findings. Stick and ball games have been around for many centuries. But golf, we invented golf.

[C]

Don't take it away.

[D]

Today, played over 18 holes clearly originated in Scotland.

[C]

Don't let. Don't let Scott Scottish find out they didn't invent golf or they'll just light their own country on fire. They have nothing. They're a group of dirty, dirty people.

[D]

And the guy from the RNA golf club rulings, he says we're gonna go pick a fight with a Chinese.

[C]

Hey, slope. You see? Invented golf. Where's your great golfer? Tiger woods has some Asian. All right, Tiger Woods. You lean on that. That'll last like an hour.

[D]

You can take our golf, but you can't take our sheep.

[C]

That's the one thing they'll have left. Alright. And maybe you did invent golf, slope, but we certainly invented to find out the banging the sheep in the arse.

[D]

Can you do this with your 3.7?

[C]

Take my 5 inch Scottish long And jam it up inside the shape. Do it, little man. Could be done inventing golf. We invented putting things in holes.

[D]

Iron my shirt, you stupid article.

[C]

Ancient Chinese secret.

[D]

Huh?

[C]

3.7 inches. Ancient magic. They invented golf. Give the Scots the golf, the whole country will be in flames. They've got nothing.

[D]

A judge in Phoenix has decided that an unborn fetus does not count as a passenger. So pregnant women can't get away with using the carpool lane.

[C]

Good for him.

[D]

That went down when our lady friend Candace Dickinson of Phoenix got pulled over in the carpool lane while she was alone in her car and argued that since he was pregnant, she could use the HOV lane.

[C]

Brilliant on her part.

[D]

She lost the case. She had to pay 367 fine.

[C]

Good. Very smart for her, though. It's quick on your feet. You get pulled over in the HOV lane. There's two of us in here. Here, I'll keep one in my belly.

[D]

How about this little scheme we so overloaded in prisons? Sure. This guy named Robert Getty, said state senator in Idaho. He's figuring out a brilliant way to double the capacity without having to build additional square footage on the prisons.

[C]

Okay. Okay.

[D]

He wants to start having prisoners sleep in shifts. Think about it. You only need half as many beds. Raises a good point.

[C]

They're not doing that now.

[D]

Why does every inmate need his own bed, he's saying. Or her own bed?

[C]

Well, what are they doing when they

[D]

military does it all the time?

[C]

One half sleeping and the other half's doing what?

[D]

Well, mostly they want them all all sleeping at the same time. That way the guards have time to do their thing.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

Play.

[C]

I don't know. I figured they would have been doing that by now. It seems like it should have been doing that a long time ago.

[D]

It would double down. We'd get a lot more license plates.

[C]

All right, A team, snappy time. B team, rise and shine.

[D]

Excel Bradley of Barberton, Ohio, was in court yesterday after he threw one of his girlfriend's love toys at her from across the room. Hit her in the eye.

[C]

She's dead.

[D]

Cut her so badly that she needed six stitches.

[C]

Was it glass?

[D]

Half of what Arnie got from his motorcycle accident. Excel was convicted of domestic violence for throwing what the prosecutor simply described as cross quote, a large sex toy. He'll be sentenced later.

[C]

In the face with a dildo. Broken.

[D]

He gets six months in prison for throwing six inches into her face. Yeah. I don't even know. It's probably bigger than that.

[C]

Well, large to you and large to Me are different.

[D]

And it's huge.

[C]

Gargantuan. Maybe it's not.

[D]

Worries here about the bad side of meth. Well, I'll end it with this one.

[C]

How do you get into a fight with somebody where the dildo is the first weapon you have? You throw an ashtray or a lamp before you. I mean, you'd even reach down and grab the dildo and say no.

[D]

And then I'm just trying to think of what kind of fight are they in, what kind of fight, what kind of place has them just laying around the kitchen table. Yeah, well, it probably wasn't in the kitchen.

[C]

I don't know if the dildo is just out and about where you can. It's the closest thing to you to grab.

[D]

Nightstand. It had to been out.

[C]

Yeah, well, they had to been using it. And then something happened and there it was. And then the fight happened. He just picked it up and tossed it her head.

[D]

I bet you she got embarrassed because she's like, here, throw it over here.

[C]

Oh, it could have been. It could have been a game. Throw it in, throw it in. There's doing like lawn darts from a

[D]

distance with her and there's a little Marsha Brady.

[B]

You poked my nose.

[C]

No, rough housing. That could have been it. He could have been playing Tom Brady to, you know, wide receiver or something, you know, and he's Brady back to pass and he's got it in his hand. He throws and he's trying to get the million to one shot. He over overthrew it, hit her in the face. And then they fought. And then she got mad. Don't do that. There's going to be a warning now on sex toys. Do not throw at partner.

[D]

They'll have to.

[C]

They'll have to because idiots will think that this is a good game. I'm gonna try a little jarts later tonight. All right, grab your feet, pull them up over by your ears. Get that thing nice and high. And here comes a lawn jerk. Come on, baby, catch. Oh, little high. Hold on, we'll get it back.

[D]

You might need to put some lead weights in the head of it. Darts heavier, you know, you know, some feathers on the end.

[C]

Yeah, get some feathers on the back and lead weights on the front.

[D]

And now you're playing schlong darts.

[C]

Yeah, if you can plug it, it's like a hundred points. And then you draw a circle around that. I guess you don't really need to draw it and. But around her thighs and stuff like the ten point circle.

[D]

You could do cricket.

[C]

Yeah. And get Some friends over, have your girlfriend throw it in the air.

[D]

Is it 301 or 501?

[C]

You can play both. 301 or 501 box darts man. That's a good idea. Honey, take your pants off. Me and the guys want to play darts. Your wife's a large one.

[D]

Finally, here's the glorious side of meth. In Jackson, Missouri a 37 year old lovely and talented Tracy Mayfield was tweaky on meth fun marijuana, anti anxiety medicine. It's called Clonapin. And she called the police when the cops got to her house. She held him at knife point and a stun gun and made them watch as she stripped naked.

[C]

Oh, meth head stripping.

[D]

After that. Let her finish. They arrest her for felony unlawful use of a weapon, misdemeanor possession of drug paraphernalia. Of course she decided to resist arrest a little bit. And some property damage.

[C]

Wow.

[D]

I'm wondering if. I guess it would be her own property or did they.

[C]

This is where cops need to you

[D]

rip like a shirt. Resisting arrest, would that be considered. Yeah, if it's a policeman's shirt.

[C]

If you're ripping a policeman shirt you're the strongest person on the planet anyway. Unless he's wearing those biker T shirts. But this is where cops need full authority to just pull out the gun and fire just ender.

[D]

Not when they're stripping.

[C]

Well after the show. Yeah, a meth head stripping. You want to shoot that anyway. Yeah copper. Otherwise you want to fire away at that. Cops need to just be able to shoot more. Ugh. Cuz they get called out there out they go all the way out to this meth heads house to help and she attacks them. Just you know the second guy should have his gun drawn just in case the door opens with trouble. And if he doesn't like the way it's looking. That kid was fast, that's all. They just need to shoot more. They gotta go through way too much paperwork to fire away at some crackhead. Don't you think a world would be a better place if they also a

[D]

trunk full of vacancy signs. You know, post it up after they. Yeah, eliminate that person. We should combine space available.

[C]

Real estate agents and police officers. We should. We should automatically combine cops to have real estate and end it. If they like the house a lot, they can. They can buy it after the cops are done there. Cops have no chance. And it's because we've taken their right to shoot anybody away. I love hearing about police shootings. I mean somebody was. Yes, because cop finally gets his due. They don't want to kill anybody.

[D]

You don't love to hear about them.

[C]

I love to hear about it. Means a cop finally said, screw it. This guy's out of his mind and I'm taking him out. And it's less one less loony I gotta worry about. I love the police. Everybody always gets on me for saying that, and they shouldn't. But I love the police. And they need to start firing more. It just means you were doing something stupid around a copy. We need to. We need to give more authority. You wouldn't like to see a crackhead go down, does that kind of crap. It could have been, you know, it

[D]

could have rang her as far as they can. And here's the thing in the knife point. No. Stun gun. No.

[C]

Let's say she doesn't call the police and a little kid's selling. This is why little kids can't go door to door selling little league candy anymore because of meth heads like that.

[D]

No, it's not.

[C]

Yes, it is. Because your little league knocks on the door and then that lunatic opens it and she's got a stun gun and a knife and she's aced out on everything she's got. She's gonna take your kid and start messing with him. So the cops need to go out and go, all right, meth head, you've decided to ruin your life. I'm ending you if you're gonna mess with us.

[D]

That's why, kids, you're picking the wrong neighborhoods to sell your chocolate for band.

[C]

Some kids don't have a choice.

[D]

There's always a choice.

[C]

And meth heads, kids aren't necessarily in bad neighborhoods.

[D]

My kid, whenever they're showing away or selling stuff, you know, 15, 20 years

[C]

from now, when you're 70, you're gonna have kids.

[D]

He's gonna be trained by a megaton over there at the. Sure.

[C]

Great. Good. He can self defend. Yeah, but the olden days when I used to. I used to love that. Those chocolate bars I used to sell for Eastdale Little League in Albuquerque. And now you mesa southwest here through

[D]

parents that sell kids. And now you're like, that's ridiculous.

[C]

Exactly.

[D]

That kid needs that experience of selling door to door.

[C]

But he can't because meth heads stun him, drag him inside and shoot them full of Clorox.

[D]

Although sometimes some of your best sales come from meth heads. They don't realize how much they're buying.

[C]

That's true. That's why kids can't go door to door. Cops, you have my authority. I give you my vote. Shoot people more, get them on, get them out of our way. Cops are Darwin's people.

[D]

Weed out cinema, Weed out the weak.

[C]

We got too many people on the earth. Half of them are all cracked out. 98 KUPD, that's your Brady report. Kids, I'll get you going door to door before it's over because I miss those candy bars. It's 98.

[F]

Hear the words you say sometimes.

[B]

I mean, who hooks like that?

[C]

98 KU, PD, Holmberg's Morning Sickness. The Big Red Radio. 98 KUPD, people are debating Brady on the years that golf was invented. Now this is really upsetting. If the Chinese invented golf.

[D]

I did get a call from a guy that graduated from the Mundus Academy of Golf Management and they do teach it that the Chinese invented the game originally.

[C]

Scotch changed it.

[D]

The Scottish came up with the modern day.

[C]

So it's like noodles because spaghetti and all that stuff is Chinese. But then when Marco Polo rolled back to Italy and he said, look what I found, they started throwing sauce on it, made it Italian.

[D]

Correct.

[C]

Or maybe because noodles, you think, wow, this rigatoni and angel hair pasta and all that stuff is Italian. But it's not. It's pure Chinese. Jeremy emails me or Jenny emails me. In other countries, cops are allowed to shoot people, aren't they? I was watching on TV and I watched them just beat the crap out of people that were causing problems. I totally agree with you. We'd weed out all the creepy people,

[D]

got another lady on the floor.

[C]

Amen. And I guarantee you all the people go, well, them cops would just start randomly beating up people. I can guarantee you I would never get beaten up by a cop, even if they had the authority to shoot or do whatever, because I would really behave when they were around. Like I don't already. Hi there. Who's this? You there? Hello?

[D]

Hello.

[F]

Yeah, I'm here. My name is Jessica.

[C]

Hi, Jessica.

[F]

Good morning.

[C]

Good morning.

[F]

I totally agree with you, John. You know what? These people out here, they cost too much for the state to rehabilitate. People don't want to bother with them. They're a problem. I live out here in South Scottsdale. I think the Cali, in a way, from my car.

[C]

Careful with your language now.

[F]

Oh, I'm sorry. No, it just fires me up. Every morning when I go to work, I swear I walk to my car with my piece on me. Anybody even asks me for a dollar, they're going to get a little bit more than a dollar from me.

[C]

So if some. So someone even panhandles you, you're taking them out.

[F]

I mean, I. Seriously, I mean, I. Where I live at, I've caught people in my yard at 3 in the morning. I mean, they're tweakers. And it's getting really bad in my neighborhood.

[C]

Just remember what Dave Chappelle taught us. If you shoot below the knee, it can't be considered attempted murder.

[F]

You know what? There you go. And I've even considered that because you know, it's really bad where I live. I mean, I. Scottsdale, Osborne Hospital. I live in ghetto Scottsdale. I didn't know Scottsdale had a ghetto.

[C]

There it is.

[D]

Jessica, can I ask you something?

[F]

Sure.

[D]

Can I borrow a dollar?

[C]

Brady, how dare you.

[F]

You said them for me, John.

[C]

I did. Don't worry about it. No, I'm with you though. It gets a little creepy out there, so. Yeah, I mean.

[F]

And people shouldn't be afraid of cops or dislike cops unless you've got something hide or you're doing something wrong. I think cops are great. I appreciate what they do every single day and.

[C]

No. And everybody's mad at them until they need one. And also see, I. I agree.

[D]

I will never get an extent, but I don't agree to the. The extent that I. I mean, I can't. I. I don't know.

[F]

How do we fix these things?

[C]

You don't think that.

[D]

I think one. You know, I. I still think you can help the people.

[C]

Why? They don't want to read about it.

[F]

If you read about it. You know how I mean, I go to drugs. Going to buy Claritin and I got to show my id. Exactly why they did that. You know why they did that? Not because they're helping or they want to do something. Because we don't have a problem with meth labs out here. We have a problem with meth heads.

[D]

Yeah.

[F]

You know, nobody makes it out here anymore.

[D]

So you're saying there's not enough labs?

[C]

Yeah, we need more labs.

[F]

I mean, you know too much to actually put these people through rehab. And I don't personally want to pay. How do I think my tax.

[D]

How do I think you correct it? In a way.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

There's a. There's a fix it brain of legalize the stuff and let them weed themselves out and.

[C]

But the thing about that.

[F]

But if they're doing that in their process, they're gonna screw up everything with other people. I don't normal day in society.

[D]

But then you get here 14 years. And I will say this, and I'm in some areas, but I've never really run into having a huge problem with crackheads. I've had them. I've had people ask me for money.

[F]

I am born and raised here and I've seen personally the effects of what it does to people. I have a four year old son, his father got stuck on it and I. No idea. And he one morning on my way there, decided to shoot himself in the head personally. It can affect anybody anywhere.

[D]

So he wanted. He wanted to beat you to the punch.

[C]

Exactly, because you. You evidently scared the tar out of him because you're wandering around like Dirty Harry. But that's a good thing. But yeah, I agree. Brady, homeless for the holidays. Two meth heads were there. That girl that came in here, well, the one we let stay with us because he was, he was like finally guilty about it.

[D]

Finally gave him an assistant.

[F]

I mean they're not horrible people, but what they do makes them horrible and it's a hard thing to shake. And so what do you do with them? I can round them all up and send them somewhere.

[C]

To meth head island.

[F]

Exactly.

[C]

I'm with you.

[D]

But I've had more. I mean, I've had more run ins with drunks than I've had.

[C]

We gotta calm her down. But a drunk is just. You can just push one of those over. Meth heads are powerful. We don't want to get you all fired up because you're packing heat. So we want to make sure you're happy.

[F]

A drunk can sleep it off. A meth head. When do they sleep?

[D]

You know, both meth heads and we had out and homeless for the holidays. There's not much power.

[C]

Are you kidding me? Have you seen that? Well, they're, they're.

[D]

The girl more so than Special K.

[C]

Well, no, not Kenny. The dude that was sleeping there with his dog.

[D]

Oh yeah, that's right.

[C]

That kid was not.

[D]

You know, his dog had power, his dog had.

[C]

So he had a pit bull for crying out loud. Good call. We'll talk to you later, thanks.

[F]

Okay, thank you.

[D]

But you wouldn't want to shoot that guy.

[C]

No, but if he was all methed out and hanging around there and started taking our stuff. Yeah, he was just trying to get off the meth. I'm all for it if he's trying to help himself, but you call the cops and start messing with them, the cops should be able to plug you. Oh, thank you. That's my thing. Cops need the right to plug that to an extent. Plugging more people, they get too many barriers. If a cop gets a call and a dude answers the door and tries to stun none.

[D]

If you say he'd break the law, die.

[C]

You know what? Wound them. Put it in their thigh. Make it so they get a limp the rest of their life. I'm all for that.

[D]

Send them to Kathy Bates.

[C]

Yeah, have them hobbled. I'm in. Cops don't have any rights. It's not fair. If you call the cops, they show up to help you, and you pull a stun gun on them. Ice that effort right there, officer. Y' all watch the Sopranos too much. It's out of control now. Can you pd.