02-20-26 - FULL SHOW - FRIDAY - Holmbergs Morning Sickness 98 KUPD - BO

Summary

Holmberg’s Morning Sickness – Arizona
Host: John Holmberg w/ Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely & Dick Toledo
Date: February 20, 2026
Episode: Friday Full Show

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Episode Overview

This Friday episode of Holmberg’s Morning Sickness delivers a blend of off-the-wall listener calls, irreverent relationship advice, news stories with a comic twist, celebrity interviews, games, and improvisational comedy. As always, Holmberg and the crew riff on current events, pop culture, and everyday absurdities, leaning hard into the show’s hallmark tone: caustic, quick-witted, and unfiltered. The main theme of this episode circles around unlikely love connections, the realities of romance, and the show’s running gags about masculinity and relationships—plus plenty of diversions into odd news, risqué product reviews, and comic impressions.

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Key Segments & Takeaways

1. KUPD: Cupid in Action – “Shirt Sparks a Love Story”

[01:33 – 04:24]

• Caller Walter shares how a KUPD t-shirt he wore at Sonic led to him meeting his now-girlfriend, who stayed in Arizona for him instead of moving to Texas.

• Hosts humorously dub the station “KUPD/Cupid,” joking about the power of the station’s shirts as aphrodisiacs.

• Quote:

  • “Cupid. KUPD Cupid, draw back your bow. We did it!” – John Holmberg [02:45]
  • “She says there’s no decent rock stations in Texas, so.” – Walter [03:41]

• Segues into a series of jokes about making a “morning sickness bow and arrow shirt,” and whether it would actually help win dates, riffing on the absurdity of radio-merch matchmaking.

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2. Skepticism on Fast Love & Relationships

[07:30 – 13:47]

• After the call, skepticism ensues—listeners and the crew debate whether true love can develop as quickly as Walter and his girlfriend claim (~2.5 months).
• A female caller (“Vicki”) wonders if the Sonic girlfriend is a gold-digger. The hosts theorize on the difference between lust and love, rib each other over previous experiences, and lampoon how quickly “love” is declared.
• Quote:
  • “Love doesn’t blossom for like two years. In reality, let’s be men here.” – John Holmberg [08:39]
  • “Beware of a girl who loves you too fast because it will screw with your logic. And you’re a man and logically, you’re not supposed to love.” – John Holmberg [12:39]

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3. Man Logic vs. Romance – A Running Gag

[11:33 – 16:38]

• Riffing continues on “men must stay logical,” and how saying “I love you” is a tactical, not romantic, move for guys.
• The crew places arbitrary, comedic timeframes before saying “I love you,” agreeing that anything under a year is just lust—Holmberg claims “love is patient…after the first meltdown.”
• Expanded into a tongue-in-cheek discussion of the need for “man caves,” sports bars, and why couples shouldn’t attend them together.

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4. The Brady Report – Offbeat News

[17:47 – 36:44]

Brady brings news stories, each serving as set up for riffing and improv:

• Chubby Cities:
  • Chicago overtakes Houston as “Chubby Capital”; Texas floods the list. The team mocks fat survey criteria, Midwestern food, and gym membership stats.
• Cow on the Run:
  • An escaped heifer in Montana survives wild adventures and may be spared, which Holmberg equates to “cows need to riot” at slaughterhouses.
• Lawyer-Client Sex Ethics:
  • Bar association wants to ban lawyer-client sexual relationships. The team jokes about lawyers’ euphemisms (“transactions,” “deposits and withdrawals”).
• Rising Stamp Prices:
  • Everyone laments the 2-cent rise; plenty of USPS trivia and light jokes about the value of old Elvis stamps.
• Valentine’s Gag: “Clone-a-Willy” Chocolate Product
  • Extended, hilarious debate about new Valentine’s products where men can “gift” chocolate replicas of their anatomy.
  • Quote:
    • “Would you eat your own schwants if it was in the freezer? …Would you melt it and dribble it down onto some ice cream?” – Holmberg [25:26]
    • “You need serious help.” – Eric [27:04]
  • Multiple calls from listeners with stories about success and failure using clone-a-willy kits, turning it into a recurring bit.

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5. Stephen Hawking Trivia Face-Off

[46:46 – 56:03]

• Comedy segment: “Stephen Hawking” (played as an impression) faces off callers in trivia.
• Hawking wins and loses as the crew lampoons his “brilliance,” voice system, and dry wit.
• Noteworthy Insult:
  • "I thought space was the biggest, most infinite space in existence. Then I saw between Eric's mama’s legs." – “Stephen Hawking” [52:10]
• Quickfire trivia includes 90s pop-culture, sports, and music, showcasing the show's love of rapid, deadpan jokes and character comedy.

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6. More Bizarre News: Fat Acceptance, Sex Stats, and Odd Laws

[58:14 – 66:44]

• Fat Acceptance:
  • Only 24% of Americans now think overweight people are unattractive—a rapid decline hosts attribute to politeness and fat-advocacy groups.
  • Riffs about “cankles as the worst” and salad consumption now half of 1985’s rate.
• Global Average Penis Size Survey:
  • America ranks low; French, Italian, and Mexicans surpassed US. “Thank god for Koreans” is a frequent punchline as Korea comes in smallest.
• Colombia’s Condom Law:
  • In Tulua, everyone 14+ must carry a condom or face a fine; hosts joke about “back-alley romps” and public health in Colombia.
• Woman Loses HOV Case:
  • Judge rules fetus doesn’t count as carpool passenger; quick jokes about “trying to be quick on your feet” if pulled over.

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7. Meth, Police, and Street-level Justice – Fireside Debates

[76:31 – 88:58]

• Case of a thrown sex toy wound in domestic violence; morphs to riffs on “sex-toy darts.”
• Meth-head news: Missourian strips in front of police with knife and stun-gun, leading to a debate about when officers should be able to shoot.
• Jessica (caller):
  • Strongly agrees on increased police authority, especially against meth-heads, sharing personal stories of crime in her Scottsdale neighborhood.
  • Quote:
    • “Anybody even asks me for a dollar, they’re going to get a little bit more than a dollar from me.” – Jessica [84:22]

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8. Comedy Guest: Bob Marley

[89:28 – 110:08]

• Comedian Bob Marley joins by phone: Highlights include:
  • Tales about terrifying kids TV shows (“Boohbah” and “the Wiggles”), living with eccentric parents, above-ground pools, dad being stung on the balls by a bee, and pranking telemarketers.
  • Quote:
    • “You want to watch Scooby Doo, get a job, work 85 hours a week, buy a Zenith console and watch Scooby Doo till the cows come home.” – Bob Marley [95:21]
  • Marley’s mother comes up as a recurring character—leaving a classic message about “muffins peeking out” after a bad meal.
• Marley plugs his website (bmarley.com) and his sets at the Tempe Improv.

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9. Entertainment Drill: Celebrity News

[111:29 – 120:28]

• Seacrest walks out of an interview after being asked about sexual preference—hosts roast him for not just saying “no.”
• Celebrity relationship updates: Heather Locklear, Denise Richards, Charlie Sheen, and director Lee Tamahori arrested in cross-dressing sex sting.
• Conversation devolves into waffle vs. hot dog (comical gay euphemisms) and a lilt about Brokeback Mountain.

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10. Guadalupe Squares Game: Rapid-fire Improv & Pop Culture

[121:12 – 137:48]

• Regular late-week improv game: parody of Hollywood Squares with the crew cycling through impersonations of Norm MacDonald, Harry Carey, Lemmy from Motorhead, George W. Bush, and more.
• Contestants answer wild true/false questions intertwined with the show’s brand of crude, irreverent humor.
• Memorable Moments:
  • “President Palmer’s been shot!” – Kiefer Sutherland character [125:33]
  • “If you kill yourself, I might disappear.” – Fight Club Brady [124:52]

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Notable Quotes & Moments (With Timestamps)

• “She says there's no decent rock stations in Texas, so.” – Walter (caller) [03:41]
• “Love does not blossom for like two years. Let's be men here.” – Holmberg [08:39]
• “Beware of a girl who loves you too fast because it will screw with your logic.” – Holmberg [12:39]
• “Would you eat your own schwants if it was in the freezer? …Would you melt it and dribble it down onto some ice cream?” – Holmberg [25:26]
• “Anybody even asks me for a dollar, they’re going to get a little bit more than a dollar from me.” – Jessica (caller) [84:22]
• “You want to watch Scooby Doo, get a job, work 85 hours a week, buy a Zenith console and watch Scooby Doo till the cows come home.” – Bob Marley [95:21]

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Episode Summary

Holmberg’s Morning Sickness stands true to its slogan with this Friday throwdown: awkward real-life love stories, relentless skepticism about romance timelines, and consistent ribbing of guests and each other. Listener calls turn into full comedic sketches, and oddball news headlines become launchpads for tangent after tangent—sometimes veering into surprisingly honest reflections on relationships and masculinity, often snapping back to crude, fearless humor.

This episode’s centerpiece—a KUPD shirt sparking a love affair—serves as a springboard for debates on lust vs. love, men’s logic vs. societal expectations of romance, and playful misogyny, all buffered by jokes, games, and improv.

Comic guests (like Bob Marley) fit seamlessly, spinning tales of parental hilarity, childhood humiliation, and telemarketer trolling. The news is covered with relish for the absurd, often throwing tact out the window for the sake of a punchline. Whether riffing on “chocolate schlongs” for Valentine’s Day, the politics of chubby cities or the ethics of police force, the show’s tone stays unrepentantly raucous and relentlessly funny.

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For listeners new to the show:
Expect fast banter, blue humor, and a group of longtime friends who use every news story, call-in, or guest appearance to double-down on running jokes, call each other out, and find cruel delight in the world’s oddities. The infamous Guadalupe Squares finale showcases their penchant for character work, improvisation, and infectious irreverence.

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Key Takeaways:

• The show’s “Cupid” reputation may be exaggerated, but its irreverent humor and core of loyal fans remain steadfast.
• Lust and logic are frequently at odds, especially among the hosts—whose comedic explorations rarely leave a taboo untouched.
• News, games, and guests all become playgrounds for the show’s signature mix of mockery and camaraderie.
• If you’re “offended,” as Holmberg often warns, this isn’t your radio show—but if you like comedy without guardrails, you’re home.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

Hey, it's Brett Vesely, and I'm here with Byron from MMP Guns. Look, Byron, I have a friend wanting to sell some guns he inherited.

[B]

What's the best way for him to do that?

[C]

Brett, the last thing you want to do is sell the gun to someone who can't legally own one. Tell him not to put himself at risk and come into MMP Guns where he'll get a fair offer and he can rest easy knowing it's not getting into the wrong hands.

[A]

Okay, but what if he lives out of state?

[C]

Easy. Legalgunbuyer.com and he can do it all online. It's really that simp.

[A]

There you have it. MMP Guns or legalgunbuyer.com the safe and legal way to sell your firearms. Do not listen to this while driving or when full alertness is needed. The best of Holmberg's morning sickness. This is the big red radio. Brady. We've got ourselves a guy, hopefully still on hold there, who has found love. Are you there? Hey, you are there, Sergeant, thanks for waiting the whole time. This is why we are kupd, otherwise known as Cupid. This is a pretty impressive story. We would like to. We would like to hear your story. Please, please. Because Cupid, KUPD has fired its bow again. Please go now.

[D]

I pulled into a Sonic and Val Vista Enchantment. I just wanted a drink. And the lady that brought me out the. Brought me out my drink. She looked in this truck and saw I had a KUPD shirt on. And she just got all excited. That's a great shirt. She asked me if I had any more. So I went home, hopped on my motorcycle, and took her back one that I had and gave her my phone number. And she called later. We ended up going out and playing some pool and stuff like that. And then just last week, she started telling me how much she loved me. And things are going great, man.

[A]

How long has it been?

[D]

Oh, about two and a half months.

[A]

Cupid. KUPD Cupid, Draw back your bone. We did it. Now, you guys, one thing we have to ask all KUPD fans, when they unite, is that one of you is sterilized.

[D]

She's already got her kids.

[A]

Oh, okay. You're done. Okay, good, good, good, good, good. Because we can't throw two KUPD listeners together, because then it's just. It's. It's too much, you know?

[C]

The other thing is, you could have taken it the other way and said, man, maybe I should get a box of these shirts, then start handing them out.

[A]

They are aphrodisiacs, to be sure. But what did. And you just got a little drink at Sonic and pulled in. Was she one of the girls that comes out to the window?

[D]

Yeah, she was. She was working the drive through that day.

[A]

Sweet.

[D]

And it just. Everything clicked together.

[A]

How about that?

[D]

He was actually moving to Texas two weeks later for good.

[A]

But not now.

[D]

She. She stayed.

[A]

For us or for you?

[D]

For me.

[A]

Good, good, Good. Okay. I just want to make.

[D]

She says there's no decent rock stations in Texas, so.

[A]

It's true. That'll keep you from moving. So, really, your KUPD shirt not only got you laid, it got you a relationship?

[D]

Pretty much, yeah.

[A]

Nice job. And she's of age and. All right. She's like I've ever dated. Okay, okay. No, I didn't say pretty.

[C]

Let's clarify. Cherry limeade. What'd you get?

[A]

Yeah, what'd you get?

[D]

I was getting the raspberry limeade.

[A]

The Route 44.

[D]

Yep.

[A]

The only way to go. Nice job. Well, congratulations. What's your name?

[D]

Walter.

[A]

Walter. Congratulations. If we'd like a picture of you and your loved one that our Cupid FM wave plastered you both in the ass, and now you're doing it to each other. So congratulations. Well done. And I guess that's it. And if we ever leave you got to go with us.

[D]

There you go, buddy.

[A]

All right. Good job. We'll talk to you later. Congratulations. Look at that, Brady.

[C]

You know, also, now that we're on the Cupid line, I want to wish Dorsey Randall happy birthday because we brought Dorsey and Debbie together.

[A]

Did we?

[C]

Yeah, when they were married with someone else.

[A]

Was that our doing? Well, happy birthday also to Jessica. While we're on this positive Cupid thing, Kathy called and said, please say happy birthday to Jessica. So happy birthday, Jessica. It's everybody's birthday.

[C]

How old's Jessica?

[A]

Say, don't remember teens.

[C]

Dorsey's 53.

[A]

Dorsey is 53 years old today, and his wife is 20 years older than him. So it's a beautiful thing over there. But how about that, Brady? A KUPD T shirt caused love to blossom at the Sonic. How about that?

[C]

We need to have a. We need to come up with a morning sickness bow and arrow shirt. You know that if you wear the shirt, that chicks will want you wearing that shirt.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

What kind of symbol you can have on the front?

[A]

Just a big picture of you, I think.

[C]

Maybe just a blank line where your number. Could I have your number? It asks for you.

[A]

Hey, that's a good idea. But then you would get, like, fat girls going here writing on your shirt. I'll give you my number. Not you, Chunk. The chick over there working the Ralph 44. But Sonic, I've never thought of dragging somebody out of the Sonic Drive in. Never really paid attention. Great sandwiches. Love blooms. Thank you to KUPD and our shirts. You can get our shirts. You go over to Zia Records and pick up one of those shirts. You can steal one from Eric this morning at Hayden and Indian School.

[C]

Yeah, Hayden Indian School bashes southeast corner

[A]

and everyone's in love.

[C]

Boy, oh, boy, those Sonic toaster breakfast sandwiches.

[A]

That sounds pretty good. Cupid, please hear my cry we let the arrow fly and two young Hill Jacks are now gonna have kids.

[C]

How about those French toast sticks?

[A]

Oof. You know, it isn't fair really, at Sonic to fall in love because you feel so good eating that food. You get me a toaster and the French toast sticks. Everybody's more attractive, but they are in

[C]

love

[A]

at the Sonic drive thru. Love. That's hot.

[C]

Supersonic.

[A]

Wonder how long a kupd, an average KUPD couple takes to close the deal. I think it's about eight hours on that one. Eight to nine hours later. One CUPD fan. And that's what they have in common initially. They're gonna have sex. That's. That would be My guess, but congratulations, man. That's pretty darn cool. At 98 KUPD, we're all about love. It's the best of Homburg's morning sickness. We gotta stop doing the commercials while they're on. It's fun, though. And everybody's calling to say, you know, that might be crap. The Cupid thing might be something to look out for this guy. I don't know. Hi there. Who's this?

[D]

Yo.

[A]

Yo. What's up, man?

[E]

How you doing?

[A]

This is Randy Jackson. Fred.

[D]

Doesn't matter who this is.

[A]

That's right. You lose in one try. What did you think?

[C]

You.

[A]

You had some conspiracy thoughts about the Sonic love affair that Cupid started? Kupd? Yeah, I think it's what it is. That was probably the only job she could get while her husband went to prison. An early way out, you know, easy way out of working. So you assume supporting the kids because it is, what, two months, he said, into the relationship and the love has already blossomed. They're saying, I love you and I don't want to. I don't want to crap on a relationship that KUPD started. But you're right. Awful early. Awful early to say love.

[D]

They haven't even been into the story yet. How they gonna fall in love?

[A]

Exactly.

[C]

You don't know.

[B]

Oh, come on.

[A]

We don't even know what Brady doing is. Because we know what Brady would do. Brady? What? What would you do?

[C]

See how much free Sonic?

[A]

Yeah, that's what I. You don't want to ask Brady about that because he's dated the Sonic girls for all the wrong reason.

[D]

Love does not blossom that quick.

[A]

That's. I'm with it. No, it cannot.

[C]

Absolutely no.

[A]

Nope, nope. I'm with you. It can be. Lust can blossom that quick? Oh, yeah.

[F]

We all sure.

[A]

Well, lust and lust can feel like love for a long time. But love doesn't blossom for like two years. That's right. And in reality, let's be men here. In reality, we're the ones who are

[C]

blossoming after that too.

[A]

But let's be the logical man and not the romantic crazy chick. Love does not happen the first two years.

[D]

Now you sounded more logical.

[A]

Thank you. All men. Thank you, Fred. Good call, man. We'll talk to you later.

[C]

I bet you surprised who went out there and. Okay. I knew I was in love after the first month we've been married ever since.

[A]

They are wrong. They just got lucky. Well, lust confuses for about a year and a half. Then if it's love, it just feels the same. And you never knew any different. Love does not happen right away. It can't.

[C]

Love is patient, Sean, until is kind. Love.

[A]

No.

[C]

Love does not boast.

[A]

Jesus Christ. Hi there. Who's this?

[C]

That's right. That's who wrote it.

[A]

All right, all right. Who is this?

[D]

Vicki.

[A]

Vicki, what's going on?

[D]

I'm curious to know what this guy does for a living. Because if she was supposed to move to Texas and she stayed, he's probably got a really good job. And she's not exactly making a lot of money working at Sonic Drive Thru.

[A]

So you're saying maybe she's a gold digger? Maybe. Oh, Sonic gold digger. But she gets all that free. Still, those free toasters, it's almost worth it.

[C]

Are you in a relationship right now, Vicky?

[D]

Yes, I'm married.

[A]

What's your husband do?

[D]

He works for pest control.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

And what do you do?

[D]

I'm a mail carrier.

[A]

Okay, well, there you go. You're doing better than him then, huh?

[D]

Well, yeah.

[A]

All right, so he's digging.

[C]

You've got great benefits too.

[A]

All right, well, I think the conspiracy theory's out. Do you think?

[C]

Yeah, but the anger. Don't anger.

[A]

Watch this. Yeah, she's a lady. She's a female lady.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So do you think that it is possible to be in love in two months?

[D]

Yeah, I do think that's possible, but yeah.

[A]

You're out of your mind.

[D]

No, no, no. It's happened. It happened to me.

[A]

No, it didn't.

[C]

Yet you knew you're in love within two months.

[A]

It's different. They're crazy. We're logical. We have to be the ones that that stifle love for a while.

[C]

You looked at him with that pest wand and you're like, this is my man.

[A]

He's a bug killing machine.

[D]

You gotta love that.

[C]

They can make bank.

[A]

Oh, they do. Well, no. There you go. Nice job. Congratulations.

[D]

Thank you.

[A]

All right, we'll see it.

[C]

Boy, the guy that fleeces my place every month.

[A]

You're right, Brady. Actually, I'm right. You're wrong. Love cannot occur that fast. There's something up with that relationship. I'm encouraging those kids to be together forever. No, if you're 16, you can't define love. John can define. Oh, delete. Are you with me here?

[C]

Please.

[A]

Yeah, please. Anyone else out there? Please. Love doesn't happen that quick. Two and a half months? No way. You're a man. Men have to start being more logical about this stuff. We get sucked into the trying to

[C]

make the romance on love.

[E]

Hold on.

[C]

Plus, you Gotta find out when the

[A]

last relationship he was in was exactly right.

[C]

Their moons crossed at the right time.

[A]

Brady, nobody has moons.

[C]

I'm not saying. But I don't. Nobody left the light on.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[F]

Here's the.

[A]

That's right. In the morning he woke up cuz the moon was too bright. Somebody want to turn the moon down? I can't sleep in two and a half months. As a man, we have to start getting back to being men. Somewhere along the lines, women have convinced us that the romantic thing should get in front of our logic. And because we're guys, we have to remain logical. You didn't start throwing love around for them.

[E]

No, I.

[C]

A long time.

[A]

And you can't do.

[C]

Because I did know. But I've. I. Oh.

[A]

Beware of a girl who loves you too fast.

[C]

And you're right. The. The biggest, you know, misleading thing is the in lust.

[A]

Yeah. Because I've. You know, you can pound away for two months and think it's love, but it's not love. Beware of a girl who loves you too fast because it will screw with your logic. And you're a man and logically, you're not supposed to love.

[C]

Have you ever had a girl say it to you first?

[A]

Yes. Then I punched her in the nose. No, I didn't. I gave her strawberry shortcake.

[C]

But what'd you say?

[A]

You're nice to me and I enjoy pets. No, I don't know. I don't remember. I think I said I love you back. Because we're about to do it.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

So logically, my brain said, well, mathematically, if you don't say I love you, you're gonna be stymied tonight. So just say it and then don't ever say it again. So I set it back.

[C]

I've always had to be the one to say it first.

[A]

You know what my thing is too, with the I love yous first. And it's only happened once. But when. When it happened, I do remember because later she called me on it because she said I love you. And I said, and I you. And she made fun of me for that for a while.

[C]

Now fetch me some more air.

[A]

Because I became old Englishman. And I you. Take off your pants. So it worked.

[C]

You're my betrothed.

[A]

It worked. But it was a little early.

[E]

No.

[A]

Guys, what is the. Let's put a guideline on it for

[C]

all men before you can drop the L word.

[A]

You can't say it to them, for you gotta have some control over the relationship.

[C]

They say, you know at least a year or two to find when you start seeing real characteristics of the person that you're going out with. Is that three month window. I'm not saying you throw that. Oh, we're there. But that's when you really see what a person is like, some of the stuff. And then six months later. So you can see the full meltdown, what you're getting into.

[A]

Yeah, well, you have to see them afterwards. If you can tolerate the meltdowns, then maybe. But that's. You got to see a meltdown a year or so into it.

[C]

And the talking.

[A]

Gotta find a girl who doesn't like talking.

[C]

That's a tough find.

[A]

They're not out there. That sky from American Gladiators would have been solid. She was deaf. I wanna talk. No.

[C]

And she could read lips.

[A]

Yeah, I know. That's the worst. It'd cover your face all the time. Telling her to F off you. That would be great. I'd become a ventriloquist just to mess with my deaf wife. Talk to my friends with just a big smile on my face. What's going on, Holberg? Nothing. How are you? Why aren't you moving your lips? I was around. I'm.

[C]

You know, why don't a home builder.

[A]

Finally good English.

[C]

My Dustin, a home builder. I'm trying to make the point.

[A]

I got you. I'm sorry, Go ahead.

[C]

I know, I just. So rattled, but I. I don't know why they don't come up with a concept where they build a house with

[A]

a cave for men. Yeah, they do. But women find it. What we need to do is build. Well, they do have caves. They're called sports bars. But then some dudes are starting to drag to those. I don't understand that at all. Trying to get their girls to go to those bar.

[C]

It's

[A]

ridiculous. It's sand at the beach, man. Don't take those with you. Yeah, you can't as a man. Just be logical. If you don't love her and you don't, you know, you can lie and say you do for the sex, but explain to her later how illogical it is to say love that soon. And any guy that calls me and says I knew I loved her right away, you're ruining it for everybody, dude. It's out of control now. 98. Okay. You PD.

[B]

Well, it's not now. The NBA's time to shine. For us Suns fans, that means fast breaks and buzzer beaters are front and center. It's Dick Toledo for underdog, the app where picking the NBA can score you 5,000 times your money. And playing on Underdog is so easy. Just pick if players will go higher or lower on their stats. And here's a sneaky good play I like. Take Grayson Allen higher on three point attempts and Mark Williams higher on rebounds. But whatever the statin you like, Underdog's got it. So play on Underdog with me and download the app today and use promo code HMS to score $75 in bonus entries when you play your first five DOL underdog make picks win money must be 18 +, 19 in Alabama and Nebraska, 19+ in Colorado for some games, 21+ in Arizona, Massachusetts and Virginia and present in a state where underdog fantasy operates. Terms apply. Concerned with your play, call 1-800-MY-RESET or visit www.ncpgambling.org Arizona 1-800-Next Step 1-800-639-8783 or text Next Step to 533-42 New York. Call the 24. 7, Hope line at 1-87-7-8, Hope NY or text Hopeny to 467-369.

[A]

The rest of Home Bird's Morning

[E]

98

[A]

KUPD and time now for Brady to do what he does best. And that is report the news. Sort of.

[C]

Brady reported the Midwest has always been the mecca for chubby chasers. Makes sense that the Midwest largest city has finally gotten the title it deserves. Milwaukee according to Men's Fitness magazine. That's what I was thinking.

[A]

Yeah. It isn't.

[C]

Nope.

[A]

Wisconsin. Nothing in Wisconsin.

[C]

Chicago.

[A]

Well there you go. Chicago's got some large ladies.

[C]

Last year's top city course was Houston. That dropped down to number five. But don't worry because Texas is not coming down because of the 13 most they're pigs and chubby cities. Texas has five. Wow.

[A]

Of the top how many?

[C]

25.

[A]

Holy cow, where's Phoenix? Are we in there?

[C]

They have the last year like Tucson was one of the fittest cities. Right.

[A]

Just. Well because everybody's running from the.

[E]

How do they judge this? Just like how many people or because like a little town in North Dakota.

[F]

Well, airport.

[E]

You don't live in Chicago.

[A]

All cities are built on scales.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

If you knew that. And eventually they just weigh them.

[C]

There's a giant scale they look at really like city gym memberships, number of fast food restaurants, access to health care, public park space, fitness promoting initiatives and weather.

[A]

So Phoenix isn't anywhere near that list.

[C]

They don't have the newest list posted up because we checked because they're, you know, they want you to go get the magazine then They'll Phoenix.

[A]

Phoenix might be a lot of fast food stuff going on here, good food.

[C]

But you also have a lot of Midwesterners moving into Phoenix.

[A]

That's what I'm saying. You get all the food still, but then you also got a gym every 10ft here.

[E]

And it's supposed to be the greatest run city in the world, right? Phoenix, what I see on all the signs, that's Scottsdale.

[A]

What's the difference? And that was like eight years ago. They won some award. It's a burb. You're right.

[E]

Same thing.

[A]

You're right.

[C]

And Great Falls, Montana, last week. There's a female cow who was determined not to end the up like a Salisbury steak. She was taken to the slaughterhouse. She waited for her chance and bolted. 1200 pound black heifer jumped the slaughterhouse gate and escaped into a residential area. Police gave chase. She busted across the street, barely avoiding getting hit by a Chevy Suburban. Cops kept following her. She handled it Hollywood style by running across some train tracks just seconds before the locomotive went rolling through.

[A]

Oh, that would have been ugly.

[C]

Animal control officers then joined the police officers for the chase. So the cow jumped into an icy part of the Missouri River. They figured she'd drown, but she swam until she found a sandbar, walked onto the shore. Veterinarian waiting for her shot her with three tranquilizer darts. Then they killed her, which the cow just shook off.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Finally, after six hours, the cow wandered into the makeshift pen authorities had set up. She was caught, but the escape attempt may have not been wasted. The cow hasn't been slaughtered. Apparently, a lot of people are impressed with her determination and skills, made offers to buy her.

[A]

You know, that's weird. You ever been to a slaughterhouse? They line them up. Like the cow next sees what happens to the cow in front of it. More importantly, years. And I know cows aren't bright, but you gotta think eventually one of them saying, whoa, I'm in this line.

[C]

I think most of them are saying, that was cool.

[A]

That dude deserved it.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

But no, the second cow in line just gotta be like, what are we doing?

[E]

Why is everybody freak out and tell the other cows, yeah, try to start a riot or something.

[A]

But they. It's like being in line at Disneyland where you're about to get on a ride and you're just sitting there, but then you see the guy in the car in front of you and what happens to him? You're like, I ain't getting on this ride. But eventually, one cow out of like a million has to see it and think I'm out. But they don't just follow the last guy. What happened to him?

[E]

Just not very bright.

[A]

No, that's why we eat them. That cow that ran away needs to be set up as an example and whipped and then eaten on television.

[C]

Man, that cow, television, exercising a lot. You wouldn't like the meat on that one. No, no.

[A]

That cow needs to be. No. Because it was all fattened up. It knew what was going on. And as an example to the other rogue cows, needs to be taught a lesson.

[C]

The Washington D.C. bar association, which is made up about 80,000 lawyers, is angry over a proposed change to attorneys ethic rules. It would strictly prohibit lawyers from getting smooth up in their clients. The thinking behind the ban is that conjoining groins creates a conflict of interest between lawyer and client. But the lawyers association says it's an outright. The outright ban would go too far. Instead they want to there to be a strong warning that mounting one's client could create a conflict of interest. And a little quick note that the sleaze involved the ethics code. The word sex isn't used. What do the lawyers use instead? Transactions.

[A]

Ooh, deposits and withdrawals. Exactly. They're slimy.

[C]

And then bad news today because you probably, probably a ton of people went out last week and bought a giant roll of 37 cent stamps.

[A]

I did that last week.

[C]

Today they go to 39 cents.

[A]

Can you buy, can you buy 2 cent stamps at like the grocery store?

[C]

They have them. You know what? I've had two people actually send me some. Realtors will.

[A]

Good idea.

[C]

Say, hey, just want to let you

[A]

know they're going up.

[F]

Huh?

[A]

Because I always go to the. When I go to the grocery store in line, I just say give me some stamps. I never say how much.

[C]

The price of stamps have tripled over the past 30 years. 75 there. 1975 is 13 cents. Really best selling US stamp of all time.

[A]

Elvis.

[C]

Correct. Elvis stamp in 1993.

[A]

Nailed it.

[C]

124 million of them were made, baby.

[A]

It was a big day for the stamp collectors.

[C]

U.S. postal Service still delivers 44 of all the letters and cards sent in the world.

[A]

Wow,

[C]

we're a month away. Well, as of Saturday, a month away from vd.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Valentine's Day.

[A]

Got nervous for a second.

[C]

And I've got a great, great suggestion for you. I've talked about this company before. Clone of Willie.

[A]

Oh yeah. Clone oily.

[C]

Well, because you can get a replica of your manhood. Well, a rubberized. While they've taken a step further now you can get a chocolate replica of your manatellia.

[E]

Yum.

[A]

Except for as a man, it's not

[C]

out there quite yet. It'll be available soon. A home kit that lets you make a delicious life size milk chocolate replica.

[A]

Yeah, but that's. I was just gonna say because, you know, she'd eat like a couple bites off the bottom of it and then there you are on a Sunday board. Open the freezer and it's in.

[C]

I do that every year. Anyway, I give her a Hershey's Kiss. It's about the same volume.

[A]

That's what I mean. Oh, okay. Yeah. Real, real thin on top. Heavy base. That's like me.

[E]

So you have to dip your unit

[A]

in chocolate and just hold it there.

[C]

There's no word on what the. Chocolately. Chocolately packages. Chocolatey.

[A]

Great question. Would you eat your own schwants if it was in the freezer? It was delicious. Chocolatey schwants. Would you melt it and dribble it down onto some ice cream?

[E]

That's odd.

[A]

Would you do it? It is odd, but it's what people do.

[E]

So you actually have to dip it in there.

[A]

I don't know, Eric.

[E]

Or is there like some other cast or something?

[A]

There's no, like, guy tracing it and doing like, the dimensions of your unit over. This will be a great chocolate bar. I don't know.

[C]

I want to know if it's available in white chocolate.

[A]

Why? You don't want to see it as a small black unit? No, I'd like to see.

[C]

It wouldn't bother me so much.

[A]

Would you eat it?

[C]

Probably not.

[A]

Why not?

[C]

Just because it feel weird.

[A]

It would feel weird. Yeah.

[E]

I can go buy chocolate at the store.

[A]

Would you try to find out what you're putting your girlfriend through? If you know what I mean. What? You know. Oh, geez. Would you try that run? I'd give that a run.

[E]

You are demented.

[A]

I could take care of myself.

[E]

You actually think about stuff.

[A]

Yeah. Like if I was on a desert island or something. Maybe use it as a tool to see if you can get the.

[C]

It wouldn't last long on the desert island.

[A]

Not the chocolate part. Oh, but you just practice on that in case you have to fold up like a Samsonite and do it to yourself.

[C]

One day you could maybe make your little sand cronk on the desert island.

[A]

No, no. You're missing the point.

[E]

He wants to get ribs removed.

[A]

Like. Yeah, if you practice on the chocolate ones. And then that day that the FedEx plane crashes in your castaway, then you already Know what you like. I don't know. I don't think I'd do it.

[E]

You need serious help.

[F]

I every.

[A]

You know what? Lie all you want, guys. You would try it once.

[E]

Oh, everybody.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. Sit there and act like it's never happened, but it's. You've done it. And then if you had the chocolate, you. You'd look, you'd do this shifty look right, look left. I could do it. You'd do it. And you can sit and go gay, but you do it. Because I think it's gay too. But I'm at least honest enough to say I'd do it.

[E]

You're gay.

[A]

I know I'd do it. Only to me.

[C]

What would happen if that plane would go down?

[A]

Very attracted to me. So if I had my own unit in the freezer, Chocolate

[C]

Wilson. The volleyball would be a wreck. Yeah.

[A]

Wilson's eyes would just be closed all the time.

[E]

That's what really went on in that.

[A]

Admit it, everyone. You would do it. You would give yourself a test run if you had your chocolate.

[C]

Just like a dog.

[E]

You can't physically do it.

[A]

No, no, I know. But if you're not, you're missing the point. You pull yourself out of the fridge

[E]

because you got your chocolate fridges on an island.

[A]

I'm not talking about the island. I hate you right now. And you just. See, you know, you do Italito. Toledo says you do it. Of course, Brady, you do it.

[C]

You do it to my own replica.

[A]

You do it to glasses and bottles. As a joke, not as a castaway. Once it's in the fridge, I'm lost.

[E]

Are we on an island or are we not on.

[A]

The only reason you would do it is so in case some day you're on an island, you would know what it was like.

[E]

What you're practicing.

[A]

You're practicing for when you're a castaway. What's the matter with you? This is easy. Get some paper and draw this out for you. Currently, I'm fine. If I had a chocolate schwanz of myself in the fridge that I got for somebody for Valentine's Day and they left there, I'd give it a test run. I wouldn't take it, but I'd do it in the.

[F]

You know.

[A]

That's ill. Yeah, that would just be wrong. I agree.

[C]

I wouldn't give it a test.

[A]

You would totally give it a test. I've seen you do it to beer bottles as a joke to people. You're licking up the side.

[C]

That's not a test run.

[A]

Yeah. It is. Then what is it?

[C]

2A days?

[A]

You look like you get pretty good at it.

[C]

According to a study by the British insurance company Churchill, over the course of her working life, her. I mean women in General. Average woman spends 22, 655 bucks on clothes that she never wears. Ever. Right now at any given chick's closet has an average of 540 bucks worth of clothes in her closet that hasn't been worn in the past year. That's my. And she'll never wear again. Well guys, over the course of our working life, we'll spend almost 14 grand 13,973 bucks on clothes we'll never wear, which is still 40% less than women. And the month for women that most likely buy clothes?

[A]

March.

[C]

We're in it right now.

[A]

January.

[C]

January, January.

[A]

Wonder why should you be broke from Christmas? Yeah, no, women aren't. They didn't buy anything.

[E]

Oh, that's true.

[A]

They got you a card and like gifts to get to McDonald's. I wrap myself in a bow. That's not a gift for me. Really.

[C]

A survey of 25000 people by the website make friends online.com shows that 71 say they choose the loving relationship. Just so you know, 80 of women said they choose a. A loving relationship. 64 of men agreed that they'd rather have a loving relationship than a great. Than great sex.

[A]

Idiots. They chose love over they.

[C]

Yeah, a meaningful relationship where you have deep magical, spiritual.

[A]

Oh, who wrote this connection. What does.

[C]

Or would you rather be in a relationship where you don't particular get along but when you do the nasty, it's so intense.

[A]

That's better. You don't have to talk to the girl. If she doesn't get along with you either, she's not going to tell you about her day. You stick with the girl you don't like who has great sex. Not the loving relationship. I've had them. I have had it.

[C]

And if you have that combo stick with.

[A]

Marry the girl you don't like who you have great sex with. Yeah, that'll work because at least you go, so what? It barely works the other way of.

[C]

Is there such a thing combo and

[A]

is there great sex, great relationship? Yeah, it's rare. No, no, it's not. It happens quite a lot. It does. But yeah, that's stupid. If you, if you've chosen loving deep relationship over great sex, you're gay.

[C]

The Treasury Department, okay, Treasury Department printing facility in Fort Worth has no idea how it happened. But there's a $20 bill it printed 1996. Might be the strangest piece of US currency ever. Somehow a Del Monte banana sticker got onto the parchment before the bills were printed. So there's actually a 20 bill where some of the ink is printed over the sticker.

[F]

Cool.

[C]

That's got to be worth some dough.

[A]

Is it 25?

[C]

25. 300 bucks is what it's sold for.

[A]

Are you kidding me?

[C]

Some guy in Orlando, Florida bought it.

[A]

Why?

[E]

It's like that baseball card.

[C]

I'm telling you, you go to those? I went one time to over here. At the fair? No, the fairgrounds, where they have the coin collectors. Those guys are into it.

[A]

Yeah, well, that's weird. 25 grand for a banana sticker on a dollar.

[C]

Got a photo of it.

[E]

It's like that Mark McGuire car when he was all skinny and stuff with the pre steroids. Oh, wait, there's nothing wrong with that. Never mind.

[A]

He's rookie card. It's definitely a misprint.

[C]

Quick warning, since it is a month away from vd, I have a new STD to report. It's out there. It's everywhere. It's called urethritis.

[E]

Ew.

[C]

It's a condition that causes the inflammation of the male urethra. The part of your equipment that you know carries your urine from your bladder out the cronk.

[F]

Wait a minute.

[C]

What's uritis? Can cause urinary tract infections, UTIs, burning, swelling, all that fun stuff. Research came out of University of Water Washington. It shows that just might be transmitted via fallacious actions.

[A]

What does it. What does it do?

[C]

Which would qualify as an std?

[A]

A UTI from a

[C]

being fellated.

[A]

I've had that. Oh, well, it was a long time ago.

[C]

Well, now they're calling it a name. It's happening more often.

[E]

Huh?

[A]

You got it from that? Oh, yeah. She was drinking and I decided that she was gonna and play the saxophone, if you know what I mean.

[C]

Rock candy.

[F]

Yes.

[A]

He was drinking and eating nerds. And a few got in there. No. And then that was that big urethra. That was the big urethra that Dr. Weber told me about. But I didn't know there was an std. I thought it was just alcohol.

[E]

You're gonna die.

[A]

No, it was years ago. I should be fine.

[C]

Finally, a jury in Camden, New Jersey was examining a bloody jacket and an attempted murder trial when it seems they figured out the mode of the crime. Hidden inside the jacket were 30 bags of crack that the cops somehow had to found. Now the information the jury got sent home and the Cops are reopening the case.

[A]

Sure. That's bad police work right there.

[C]

Big ups for the jury cracking that case.

[A]

It got all the way to the jury.

[C]

Yes.

[A]

They found the crack.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

Brilliant. 6:37 in the morning sickness. Nice job. But I'm just saying, if you had the. Are you. Would you do that for Ronnie then Brady, for Valentine's Day? If you're unit in chocolate.

[C]

No. She'd feel very short changed.

[A]

What if you included the. The step kid? That would just be weird.

[C]

Boy, that'd be a. That would last a month.

[A]

Yeah, because you're an older fella. So that's a long dip. I give the homework dilly bar out for people. Maybe I'll give you guys that. That's what I'm gonna do.

[C]

You can make it like a clown dike.

[A]

That's just weird because we're dykes in it.

[E]

That's what you're gonna do.

[A]

I'm gonna get you guys Valentine's presents this year. And they're all gonna be my Schwartz

[E]

going straight into the garbage.

[A]

Why still delicious chocolate.

[C]

You could call it, you know, the Klondike. You just drop the E. Yeah.

[A]

Klondike bars. That's a great idea. Brady, what would you do for John's Klondik Bob?

[C]

Nothing.

[A]

I'll eat it. And you know you'd do it now. It would be really gay if I gave you that for Valentine's Day and then you tested it.

[E]

Oh, it's just gay, you giving it in the first place.

[A]

No, that just makes you uncomfortable. I'm laughing all the way home.

[C]

Clonal willie.com.

[A]

clonawilly.com is gonna get my business.

[E]

I hope you stick your unit in some chocolate and it burns off.

[A]

Thank you, Eric. I hope you have a great year.

[C]

I hope you tear your ACL and your unit, man.

[A]

Yeah, Carson. Palm job. Same problem. That is your Brady report. You know you'd try it. It's 98. KUPD. My delicious Klondike bar. It's out of control now. 98. The best of homework's morning sickness. This is the big red radio. 98 to 10. People are talking about their chocolys and cloneawilly.com. is that right? Yes. Clone a willy.com. we're on it right now. That's a great gift for your lady friend. Clone hyphen a hyphen Willy. Hey, it'd be a nice gift.

[E]

Why do you think that would be a good gift? Because it would be a funny gift?

[A]

No, because you know why women Dipping their boobies in chocolate and giving them to. You'd be like, oh, yeah. So, yeah, but if we started cheesy. It is cheesy. But if you started handing out your unit like it was a good gift, maybe they'd start looking at it like it was a gift.

[E]

Yeah.

[A]

Know what I mean? Hi, there. Who's this?

[F]

Hey.

[D]

This is Gretchen.

[A]

Hi, Gretchen. How are you?

[D]

Good. How are you?

[A]

I'm doing fine. Now, you've done this before?

[D]

Well, we've done the rubber kind, not the chocolate kind.

[A]

So you made a stay at home friend. Because maybe your boyfriend travels or husband or whoever.

[F]

He does.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, so he travels. So you've got him his cloned unit from cloneawilly.com in the rubber form.

[D]

Well, we got it from castleboutique.com in the rubber form.

[A]

You can do that? Yeah, at Castle Boutique. See, now that would be disturbing to me, because the guy before you that used the cloner. No, no, no, no, no.

[D]

It's not a machine. It's a kit that you buy and you take home.

[A]

Really?

[D]

Yeah, yeah. And you just. You make like. Like it's this soft stuff that you make the mold out of, and it kind of hardens, and then you fill it up with this stuff that feels like skin, kind of.

[A]

It's like a replica. That's cool. I think I might make, like, a casting. Yeah, you cast it first. How old are you? You do sound young. 11. Okay.

[D]

We can't talk to you anymore.

[A]

She's 23. It's okay.

[C]

All right, That's.

[E]

We're just.

[A]

I was a little worried. We got nervous that Uncle Touchy was making you do weird things with the plaster molds. If that's the case, I'm gonna go to Castle. I'm gonna make all sorts of gifts for people.

[D]

Yeah, it's kind of expensive, but, yeah, you can do it that way. And that way you don't have to stick anything into, like, scalding hot chocolate or anything like that.

[A]

Good idea. Well, you learned that the hard way. You learned that they have those kits,

[C]

too, at the Fantasy World.

[A]

Do they? Okay, we'll go to Fantasy World. I'll pick some up. What's the cost? You say it's kind of expensive. What's it cost to make. Make 100.

[D]

About a hundred dollars. That's expensive to me, man.

[A]

That's not cheap to make a. I've already got one, so. All right. Well, good. Thank you very. That's nice.

[D]

Hey, no problem.

[A]

All right. I wish I knew this in November Everybody would have gotten a different Christmas present.

[C]

I used one of those kits a couple years ago. Made a couple of fishing rods.

[A]

Those ugly sticks.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Those are awful. I know what you're talking. I used to fish with those. They're terrible. You can't catch anything.

[C]

Pocket Fishermen.

[A]

Yeah, the Pocket Fisherman. It's the best of Homburg's morning sickness. 98 KUPD. It's in the morning sickness. You've accomplished nothing in your life. That's a nice looking shirt, though.

[E]

That's right.

[A]

Yeah. Got the urlocker gear on early. You're gearing up for your game.

[E]

I'm not gonna wait till Friday to wear my.

[A]

Yeah, I don't. I didn't wear anything Friday. I'm talking about. Oh, Brady and his who day.

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah.

[E]

Brand new.

[C]

Guess what?

[A]

He just didn't work out real well.

[C]

But actually, it was the second time ever I've worn a Bengal garb. I played Little league football, Bangles, but I don't think I owned a.

[A]

That doesn't count.

[C]

I made my shoes.

[A]

You didn't try to put your high

[C]

tops into Anthony Munoz Bangle.

[A]

You didn't try to. Were you an offensive lineman?

[C]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

You had to be Wee Tiny.

[C]

I know. I was. I was center and fullback. Wow.

[A]

And the only reason you score is because no one can say, where. Where'd the ball go? There's this ball floating anybody when you're that age.

[E]

I played guard, and I didn't.

[C]

I didn't take the snap. I just handed it to the quarterback because he couldn't get down that low.

[A]

The ball wouldn't fit between your little tiny center leg. Speaking of things not going right, this lady tried the clone a Willy thing, and things went awry.

[F]

So.

[A]

Just when you thought the world was perfect.

[E]

I don't know if we want to hear that.

[A]

Are you there?

[D]

Yeah, I'm here.

[A]

What did you. Oh, hey. What'd you do with your clone willy that went so bad?

[D]

What did I do with it?

[A]

Yeah. What happened?

[D]

I got pissed because it's expensive. And, I mean, these directions are insane. And they're like. As you mix, make sure to, you know, keep the situation up and going and be ready to, like, insert it into this.

[A]

You knew that was coming just by your voice. Don't cuss.

[D]

I'm sorry.

[A]

That's all right. Settle down.

[D]

Yeah, it's just really, really. The mixer just doesn't give you enough time to settle down. Just from point A to point B and get it. It's just. It's not.

[A]

No. That's brutal. And so it was tough, and the guy couldn't. He couldn't sustain. He had a little ED Going the whole time.

[D]

No, my husband does not have any kind of erectile dysfunction.

[A]

Okay, good, good, good.

[D]

It was just. I don't know, because the women have to do two jobs at once. They got to mix it, and then

[C]

they got to be the situation.

[A]

Oh, wait, you have to fluff him while you're mixing. Yeah, well, it's good training.

[D]

Your husband's standing there, and he's not doing anything but just standing there, like, wait for you to get all this crap done.

[A]

So he couldn't fluff himself.

[D]

It's kind of annoying.

[A]

The guy couldn't fluff himself while you were

[D]

fun out of it. You know what I mean? That's, like, the whole erotic part of, like, doing it. You know what I mean? But.

[A]

Well, what did you do with the end result?

[D]

I threw it at him.

[A]

All right, well, that's.

[D]

Well, no, it's a tough way to die, upset. And we just.

[C]

Did you cry? Did you cry over this?

[A]

Wait a minute. You tossed the guy schlong? That's hard to say.

[D]

No, the tube with the gunk in it.

[A]

Because it didn't work. I see what you're saying.

[E]

So you had this real erotic.

[D]

I mean, it would take, like, a meter north of sorts to, like, penetrate that tube. It was crazy.

[A]

You had some sort of a mangled, retarded schlong come out of that thing, like some sort of a Frankenstein clone.

[D]

It would have just been, like, a cylindrical shape thing. It wasn't.

[C]

So what you're saying is you probably didn't get the right formula on the mix.

[D]

I get.

[A]

Well.

[D]

And he's like, okay, let's do it. And I'm like, no, let me just mix it a little bit more because it was, like, really lumpy, Right? Oh, I didn't read the directions, apparently, because the directions said, you got to

[C]

get all the lumps out of me.

[D]

Just do it, you know? And I was looking for, like, a brownie smooth.

[C]

Sure.

[A]

You need. Yeah, like you're making a. Like you're making cake.

[D]

Exactly. And he was just like, you're gonna ruin it.

[A]

Now, do you use the. Do you use the cake mixers? The. The little beaters? And then does somebody like, maybe I should have.

[D]

It probably would have mixed better.

[A]

I don't know. I don't know. Well, good. Well, hopefully the real thing's still keeping

[D]

you happy, and real thing keeps you very happy.

[A]

All right. Good. We'll stop dipping it in things. We'll talk to you later.

[D]

Thank you.

[A]

All right. See you.

[C]

There you go.

[A]

Yeah. Thank you. I knew that. Laughs it's funny that women who smoke and you know, she smokes or smoked are going to cuss when they're on the radio.

[E]

It's hilarious. You put your finger on that dumb button.

[A]

The minute I heard her talking, I'm like, she's gonna swear.

[C]

Yep.

[A]

They always do weird.

[C]

Like, Primate missed.

[A]

So 3.

[C]

15 seconds.

[A]

15 seconds before I gotta hit the button. And then we lose 3.5 seconds of our lives because we dumped it. It's weird. Now we're in a time space.

[E]

So basically, the cloning, the unit, you

[C]

know, there's not good. Well, there's a little work involved.

[A]

There is some work involved.

[C]

You got to have a good mix.

[E]

How is this supposed to be erotic again?

[A]

I don't know. In the end, you got an extra.

[C]

Not necessary. I don't think they're making the actual cloning event an erotic event. I don't think you should do it. But you're just actually, you know, she

[E]

was trying to make it into a porno. Yeah.

[C]

You know,

[E]

the whole fun of it.

[A]

Yeah, the fun of it. No, that's a job. That's. There's nothing sexy about that.

[E]

Yeah, I don't see it.

[A]

I don't either. 6:57 in the morning sickness. Although still a great Valentine's Day gift. Women say that, you know, that study that came out, that all they want is a letter. We all think that that's crap. But if you took the time to clone your unit for her, you know,

[E]

it'd be even funnier if you just

[A]

passed.

[E]

Just do a flaccid.

[A]

Go in a pool.

[E]

Get in a pool for like an hour, jump out, and then do it.

[F]

Give her your.

[C]

No, you know, that way. That way.

[A]

That's a great idea.

[C]

You could do a multiple molds. Yeah. You have plenty kids good for one mold.

[A]

You know what you could do? Yeah. You spend four or five hundred bucks on this gift, though. You do the. You know that evolution poster where it's like a caveman and then he starts to straighten up a little bit. All the stages of your unit, and then give her, like, the evolution of your wood. That would be a great art gift. That would be awesome.

[C]

You do it based upon activities. You know. Swimming.

[A]

Yep, Swimming. And then you just have it running. What to expect.

[E]

I guess scientists.

[A]

Yeah, but what to expect while it's going, you do it like a 20 minute jog. And then you dip it in the

[C]

stuff sitting in the steam room.

[A]

Yeah, great idea, Brady, because you got the plump one, you got the cold one, you have the warm one, hard one. Oh, that's a great idea. I'm gonna make that and put it up over my fireplace. Just make guests uncomfortable. It's 98 KUPD. It's out of control now. 98 K U PD this is the best of Humbert's morning sickness. 98 Kup. This should be a treat. This is going to be next to impossible, by the way. It is a treat. We've never had this person, I don't think, on the show since he's. Well, actually, we did. We had him in the squares a long time ago. What, the strong bears, Old music?

[E]

Was he an alien chaser?

[A]

God knows how that's happening.

[C]

He's a cosmologist.

[A]

How in the world is he knocking on the door?

[E]

It is hair and makeup.

[A]

He's a co. No, he's a cosmologist. He's outside right now. He's the smartest man on the planet. That has been proven the highest IQ ever. And he's in the news because he's resting comfortably now in the hospital. How do you know when something's wrong when you're Stephen Hawking?

[C]

Hey, open the door.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Get the door.

[E]

How is he knocking?

[A]

That's what I want to know. No one knows. Let's get him on over here. Wheel ourselves on over here, Stephen. And I'll get out of your way. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Stephen Hawking.

[C]

Good morning, Professor.

[E]

The new super genius. There's going to be brief pauses after

[C]

questions because he's working on.

[E]

Yeah, he's got.

[C]

You look good.

[E]

It's an amazing computer you have there.

[C]

Fast recovery.

[A]

Hello, all. I want to thank you for allowing me here. Oh, that's very nice. It's good to have Stephen Hawking here. Shall we get directly to the game, Mr. Hawking?

[C]

That'd be a good idea.

[A]

He's nodding yes.

[E]

Okay.

[A]

This is too far away. It's too far away.

[C]

His eyes are moving.

[A]

We've come up with our first problem in the studio. It's too far away for Stephen to get to the microphone. Let's go to the phones. Hi, there. Who is this? Mark. How are you this morning? How are you? Oh, you know, I'm doing all right. Things are cooking right along. You know how it is. Yeah, I like the heat. Huh? You like to eat? No, like the heat.

[D]

The summer heat.

[A]

Oh, it's gonna be warm.

[C]

Did you Gold Bond up.

[A]

Yes, I did. Mark, man, do you honestly think you can beat Stephen Hawking at anything? I don't know. I'll give it a try. All right, Brady, it's up to you. You will be the quiz master. Steven, I leave it to you.

[F]

Go ahead.

[E]

All right.

[C]

You chime in with your name. This actor dies during the production of the movie Shrek, forcing producers to hire

[A]

Michael brilliant, yet wheelchair bound Stephen Hawking

[C]

to answer the question.

[E]

Okay, Fix your volume on that thing.

[C]

I don't know your answers.

[A]

Is Chris Farley correct? It's Chris Farley. That is correct. Gonna buzz in with your name. You just got quicker there, Mark. Beat by the smartest man in the world.

[E]

He's typing with a pencil. Mark, you gotta beat this guy.

[D]

Okay.

[C]

7up launches TV commercials that feature an African American actor saying the slogan make seven up yours.

[A]

The effing brilliant yet wheelchair bound Stephen Hawking.

[C]

Okay, Professor.

[E]

Oh, he's thinking.

[A]

I don't know.

[E]

We may have stumped him on this one.

[C]

We'll give him.

[E]

He's having a seizure. We can't. We can't tell.

[C]

Time is up. Professor, do you have an answer?

[A]

Orlando something. The Black guy from MedTV?

[C]

Close. But I can't accept that answer, Mark.

[A]

You know I can. I can picture his face, but I

[D]

just can't put the name to it.

[C]

Orlando Jones.

[A]

I knew that one.

[E]

Come on, Steven, you're better than that. You're a cosmetologist, for God's sakes.

[C]

Okay, here we go. This movie premieres and features a scene where Steven Seagal's character is killed when he unsuccessfully tries to board a 747 airplane in midair. The movie came out in 1996. Anyone?

[A]

The effing brilliant yet wheelchair bound Stephen Hawking.

[C]

All right,

[E]

Hold on.

[C]

Professor, your answer.

[A]

Executive decision.

[C]

Correct.

[A]

Yes. Nailed it. I don't know why I'm so happy with Steven's win. Sorry about that. The first guy down. Who's next? Line two either. Who's this? Hello?

[D]

Matt.

[A]

Matt, do you really think you can beat Stephen Hawking and push ups?

[C]

Maybe that's true.

[A]

It's not a push up contest, man.

[F]

I don't know.

[C]

I don't know.

[E]

If you want to piss him off though. I'd be careful talking about crap to Stephen Hawking.

[F]

Sorry.

[A]

All right, Freddy.

[C]

All right, here we go. In this. In the movie Forest Gump Forest is an all American football player at this university.

[A]

Go ahead, Alabama. Correct. Wow.

[F]

Damn it.

[A]

Uhoh.

[E]

Steven's in trouble.

[D]

Thank you.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

After Is a homosexual.

[E]

What the hell?

[C]

All right, here we go. After being diagnosed with brain cancer, this former NFL player appears on the COVID of Sports Illustrated.

[A]

Matt Lyle Alzado.

[F]

Correct.

[A]

He's devastated, Steven. Awesome. Oh, that's a brutal. You guys just sit and watch me.

[C]

What were we supposed to do? That was a crushing. I can't help him type any faster.

[E]

That was amazing, Matt. Good job. Hold on. Okay.

[A]

All right. Poor Stephen Hawking got killed. I was busy banging your mom. I didn't hear the question. Steven's got a mouth on him. You know, you guys could fill a little instead of just staring at me, type.

[E]

We are filling, but doing a lot

[C]

of filling over there.

[A]

Oh, really?

[C]

Professor Hawking.

[A]

I see how it works. The brilliant Stephen Hawking who is visiting.

[E]

Is he really that brilliant? I mean, what has he done?

[A]

Quite a lot, actually.

[C]

A lot of math problems.

[A]

He says he has something he wants to say to Eric. Great. I thought space was the biggest, most infinite space in existence. Then I saw between Eric's mama's legs.

[F]

Wow.

[A]

Took a mama shot. He just took a shot at your mama. Wow.

[C]

Zinger. Good one.

[A]

That is a good one.

[C]

Who do we have, Professor?

[A]

We got line two or three. Don't give him high fives. Ryan Seacrest. Don't do that. What's the matter with you, Brady? Who do you have on there? Who's on there?

[E]

We got Mike on line two.

[A]

Line two? All right. Line two is Mike. Mike, are you there?

[D]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Are you ready? I think so. Why is your phone so quiet? You talking in the right end?

[C]

Yeah, I am.

[A]

All right, Mike is on the line. We're ready to go. Brady will ask the questions. Mike. Buzzing with your name.

[F]

Good luck.

[C]

Here we go. The Foo Fighters released this song, which is reportedly a tribute to Kurt Cobain. Also contains the lyrics. Watch him as he goes.

[A]

The effing brilliant yet wheelchair bound Stephen Hawking.

[C]

Go ahead, Professor. Professor chimed in. Mike. Hang on. His answer.

[A]

There goes my hero.

[C]

Correct.

[A]

Yes. Nailed it.

[E]

I didn't know he was a big Foo Fighters fan.

[A]

Huge Foo fan. You didn't know that about hockey? Huge Foo fan.

[E]

Too bad I can't play the drums.

[C]

All right, here we go. Question number two. This movie premieres in 1992, becomes it's the first movie to ever star both Tom Cruise and Kevin Bacon.

[A]

The effing brilliant, yet wheelchair bound Stephen Hawking.

[E]

He's in.

[C]

Go ahead, Professor.

[A]

A Few Good Men, correct. Yeah, you're done. Steve's on the line. Steve, are you there?

[E]

Well, he is here.

[A]

Steve. You did not like losing last time. Do you think you can beat the great Stephen Hawking?

[D]

I will try.

[A]

Okay, here we go.

[C]

In South Beach, Florida, this man commits suicide eight days after allegedly shooting Italian fashion designer Gianni Versace.

[E]

Oh, I think Steven might be stumped on this one.

[A]

The effing brilliant yet wheelchair bound Stephen Hawking.

[C]

All right, Professor's answer. He's working on it. He gets the drill spinning.

[A]

See, you're not that smart.

[E]

Here, get a towel. Somebody is drooling.

[A]

Steve is a gay parrot. Andrew Cunanan.

[F]

Correct.

[A]

He's throwing in a jab there.

[E]

That is pretty amazing.

[A]

I'm gonna give you that one.

[C]

This 45 year old boxer becomes the oldest fighter in boxing.

[A]

The effing brilliant yet wheelchair bound Stephen Hawking.

[C]

Go ahead. Professional should be able to get this one. You have three, George.

[A]

God damn Foreman. Another guy's out. So long. Eric is on the line. Eric, what's going on? Not much. How are you? You think you can beat Stephen Hawking?

[C]

Maybe.

[A]

A movie trivia.

[D]

Probably not much else.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Good luck on King of the Hill. Hank Hill takes a job at Mega Lomart selling this type of product.

[A]

The effing brilliant yet wheelchair bound Stephen Hawking. You gotta be quicker than that.

[C]

Go ahead, Professor.

[E]

Any day now, Professor. He's typing up his snaps now.

[A]

Yeah.

[E]

If you're so brilliant, you could get a voice box that works instantaneously for

[A]

God's God damn propane and propane accessories, right? That is correct, Big King of the Hill fan.

[F]

What's with the GD here?

[C]

I thought you were a religious guy.

[A]

Yeah, man.

[E]

You're gonna upset Brady here in a minute.

[A]

Is he religious? What?

[F]

Oh,

[E]

usually science, usually scientists.

[A]

Watch your mouth.

[E]

Try typing commas, Steven.

[A]

It's out of control. Now 98. Okay, you PD the rest of Homburg's morning sickness. This is the Big Red radio. The big red radio. 98k upd. Rage against the machine. I said rage against the fire. That's what a fireman does. It's time now for Brady to do the news. And that is the something we call the Brady Report. Brady gives you news no one else has the courage to give you. Eric is out at 43rd Avenue and Bethany home this morning at the Fry's. There's already people waiting out there. We're looking for Indians, Native Americans. Not that we want feathers, not dots out there. Actually, can the dots do them too?

[C]

Hey, I. I say it's. It's open house, wouldn't it?

[A]

Rainbow, you need anything?

[C]

I don't know if they. I don't, I don't think the dots, I don't know, maybe bring out a

[A]

cow and, and this isn't a shot at Indians. It's just that that part of the world, and I know India is farther away, but that part of the world right now, a rain dance from them could be a rain of terror.

[C]

If an eastern Indian wants to stop by, bring some chicken tikka masala or something.

[A]

Yeesh. I want my bowels throughout January.

[C]

Naan bread or something.

[A]

It's one thing about east indie food, man, I love it. But it's, it's an ass contraption. It does things to your ass.

[C]

It can.

[A]

That you know, hookers can't do. I mean, it's just violence. What's going on?

[C]

Way to ruin a good dish of lamb.

[A]

I mean sometimes some Indian restaurants, I think I'd rather just have a cellmate than eat the food because my ass turns into a twisted mess. 43rd Avenue, Bethany Home. Out there at Fry's, he's also got Cinderella shoes. Creeperella. Try on my ex wife's marriage wedding shoes. The one that she used to test the colors of dresses and. And you could be Cinderella and get tickets to Disturbed. I found them in the garage. I don't know what to do with them.

[C]

I'd like to throw out lots of lots of ish to my eastern Indian friends.

[A]

I know what that means.

[C]

Ish is love.

[A]

I'd like to throw out some Disturbed tickets to an Indian who makes it rain. So that's what I'm doing at 6:19 in the morning sickness. Brady reported.

[C]

Twenty years ago, the market research firm called NPD Group asked Americans if they thought overweight people were unattractive. 55% foolishly answered in the affirmative. The extra meat around the buttocks, arms and cankles was not desirable.

[A]

Cankles are the worst.

[C]

Now NPD just finished doing the same survey again. 20 years later. 70 percentage has plummeted.

[A]

Really? People deal with the fatties.

[C]

24% of Americans now think chubbies.

[F]

No.

[C]

Are unattractive.

[F]

No.

[C]

Which means 76%, three quarters of all Americans are certified chubby. Chase.

[A]

It's a lie, Brady. 20 years ago people weren't afraid to say fat people weren't attractive because. Because it was politically correct still to pick on fat people and midgets.

[C]

Wrong.

[A]

Yes. Because fat people weren't a race in the 80s. Now they're a race. They have, you know, we have fat rights groups and fat people this. And I don't have to Buy two

[C]

tickets if I take with your theory. But the reason why is there's a lot more people that have joined the ranks of the ch.

[A]

Very true. There's more fat people too. But there's also fat groups as if they are some sort of a race. Like this is something that you know like from fatopia. And they're not a race, they're just a group of pigs.

[C]

Back in the late 80s, before people thought they could lose weight on all beef diets, 10% of all meals order at restaurants were salads. That's down to 5.5%.

[A]

Holy cow.

[C]

And in 1985, 45% of the people said they were trying to avoid snacking entirely. Down to 26% people are fat and happy.

[A]

We went through the 90s making money, but yeah, 24% saying that. There's 30% that are just afraid that they'll get their name put in the survey if they say fat people are gross. Make it 25% because I'm putting my vote in.

[C]

We've got another poll out, John. A poll of polls. New numbers breaking down shaft size by country have been released.

[A]

Oh, boy.

[C]

And if you're an American, not good. Pretty much all you can say is thank God for the Koreans.

[A]

Worse, we're the second. Oh, no.

[C]

The heightened unmentionable of a filthy Frenchman is 6.2 inches. That means they've got over 20% more package than us.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

Because the average engorge American is sporting just five even. We also come in behind the Italians. Is that right there at 5.9. The Mexicans 5.8. The Germans 5.6. Chileans 5 1/2. I have a small Colombians 5.4, but I don't including the coke filled condom. The Spaniards.

[A]

So wait, they get an extra point four for the coke at the end of the reservoir tip.

[C]

And here you go, America. Japanese 5.1.

[A]

We lost to the Japs in the shaft contest.

[C]

We tied the with the Venezuelan men. We managed to sneak.

[A]

I don't care about them.

[C]

We managed to sneak out wins over the Saudis and Brazilians. 4.8.

[A]

Oh, this is devastating.

[C]

Two countries that measured up the worst were India. They're packing a giant 4 inches. And South Korea, 3.7.

[F]

Wow.

[A]

Koreans have little wangs wondering why are the Africans missing?

[C]

They didn't have a yard stick.

[A]

We're at 5 inches as an average for the. We lost to the Japanese. We've been making fun of them for years about how little their wangs are.

[C]

The only thing I have to Question on this is where the survey came out of the click press.

[A]

Did they ask anybody in this room?

[C]

I'm not sure if that's a European.

[A]

Did they ask anybody in here?

[C]

Nope.

[A]

We should find out privately, ending an honor system who has the biggest wang in here. Because if. Well, no, because you know what? On the off chance that it's Eric, we'd never hear the end of it. But there's no way he's got a good side. No way. His life has been filled with so much stress. That thing didn't have time to grow.

[C]

That would set me in a tailspin for years.

[A]

If Eric had a larger wang.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. I think I might shoot myself. Yeah. He's so nervous. Yeah. His life is like being in cold water. There's no way that thing is bigger than mine. I gotta know now if I'm. Yeah, that's true. I whipped mine out on the telephone. I showed him a camera shot of my wang just to make him uncomfortable.

[C]

Perhaps in your travels in the information information superhighway.

[A]

Did I really do that at lunch?

[C]

Yes.

[A]

Why is it that these things happen and I Forget them within 24 hours and now I'm embarrassed by it? Should have been embarrassed by it then. Sorry. Go ahead.

[C]

If on the web searching that you accidentally stopped off with the naughty Adult website 8th Street Latinas.

[A]

Been there.

[C]

Brace yourself. Brace yourself here for this one. Because the city in Tulua, western Colombia, they're working on a law that would require everyone over the age of 14, male and female, to carry a condom with them at all times. Because you never know which back alley you accidentally find yourself doing a daytime romp in. Because that's what happens in Tulua.

[A]

I don't know where Tulua is, but it sounds like Mecca.

[C]

Columbia.

[A]

Okay, I'm going to club.

[C]

The city fathers admit that condom will pretty much burn a hole in your pocket. William Pena, the city councilman who came up with the plan, says sexual relations are going on constantly. If you carry a condom, chances are you'll use it during the day. It's not going to be there forever. There's about a 12 hour turnaround on those babies.

[A]

Really?

[C]

If you're 14 and if you're. If you're found condomless, fine. 180 bucks.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

The other reason the law is There is there's190,000 people in Colombia with AIDS.

[A]

Well, that might do it. Not a very big country.

[C]

Half the people have aids.

[A]

Thank you, Brie. Sure. That's on the commercials in Their homeland. Do you have aids?

[C]

Brazil is number one as far as the highest AIDS rates.

[A]

Well, they screw each other like monkeys down there.

[C]

Toledo, you were asking me earlier. There's a picture of Margaret Jackson. She is the CEO of Qantas Airways. She was the one that got screened yesterday by way the TSA screeners and she was identified only as Bill. The screener is identified only as Bill. But notice Margaret was carrying detailed plans of a Qantas plane, including a cross section, diagrams showing seat layouts. He asked her, why you have this? She told him, I'm the chairman of Qantas.

[A]

He said, you're a woman. You're a woman.

[C]

Take your shirt off.

[A]

Did he make you take your shirt off?

[F]

No.

[A]

Oh nuts.

[C]

Well, he can't.

[A]

I would have.

[C]

Margaret says, quote this black guy who was 8ft tall said, but you're a woman.

[A]

Perfect. He's right.

[C]

Give that guy promotion.

[A]

Give that guy. He is the. That's the best security at an airport I've ever heard.

[C]

Margaret got identified as a high risk terror suspect and she should have ended up getting detained for an hour and frisked until she could give me some ideas. CEO of Qantas, Amen. Does she have some good feminine traits? I haven't seen a picture of her.

[A]

Toledo, little fellow like. Well, she'd have to be. She's a CEO, gotta have some man abilities. That's the point though. And that's what, that's, that's the two biggest suspicions in the world is that she's got detailed blueprints of an airplane and she says she's the CEO, she's a woman and whether she likes it or not, that's rare.

[C]

I didn't really mention this too much last week because it's just, you know, seems to be happening frequently. But Pat Robertson was back in the news because he basically said Ariel Sharon's stroke, it was God's punishment. Sharon's dividing up Israel and giving part of the Holy Land to the Palestinians. What Robertson didn't realize was that the Israeli government and the Jewish people don't take kindly to such.

[A]

No, they should. They're gonna have him killed.

[C]

They will not look at the past. And they're not doing business either because Pat has been working with the Israeli government on building a Christian theme park called Jesus Land in Galilee. The deal was that he drum up 50 million to build it and including the largest cross Demon drop.

[A]

He drops down the cross. Oh, I get hung up on a

[C]

nail which you end up hydroplaning in water.

[A]

Yeah. Now that would be cool.

[C]

But they won't give him the land.

[A]

That's a good idea.

[C]

He'd build it and Israel would turn around and give him the land rent free.

[A]

That would rock break. You imagine hydroplaning, you know, be like Jesus, hydroplane across the water of Israel.

[C]

You're fine.

[A]

Why don't Bill Clinton sound.

[C]

But since he verbally abused your own, that's going to put a little hitch in the giddy up. Now I don't know why he wouldn't think of that to begin with.

[A]

Because Pat Robertson's an idiot. And whatever God he worships right now, I'm not a fan of. I don't know where Pat Robertson's going here, but calling for assassinations of people like he did a few months ago and then saying stuff like that.

[C]

Sharon is coming around a little bit. He's responding to stimulation. And they've put one thing that's basically on code red danger. The plate of orange chicken next to the bed. Go after it.

[A]

It's a large. Dude, that'd be funny to watch. We put a timer on that.

[C]

Scotland has very little to brag about. We know that from our friend Thomas Wells. Yeah, the Loch Ness Monster is phony. Everyone hates bagpipes.

[A]

Very true.

[C]

Pretty much leaves just them with kilts and alcohol. The movie Highlander.

[A]

That's true. And Braveheart.

[C]

And you'd say, but wait, we invented golf.

[A]

We brought you golf, you stupid bastards.

[C]

Wrong. Professor Ling Hong Ling.

[A]

What's this?

[C]

The University of China has got proof that Chinese invented golf.

[A]

The Chinese did not invent golf.

[C]

In fact, the Chinese invented golf 500 years before Scottish even dreamed of it.

[A]

That's a flat out lie.

[C]

Ling uncovered a book called the the Dongs word Swan Records which was written during China's song dynasty between 960 and 1279 A.D. the book makes reference to a game that was invented a few years earlier in 945 A.D. called Shawan is described as quote, a game in which you hit a ball with a stick while walking into the goals in the ground you want to hit.

[A]

That sounds like golf to me.

[C]

There are pictures of people playing using 10 different clubs that resemble modern drivers, woods, wedges. In fact, one of them was called Callaway. No, Callaway clubs.

[A]

It's that advanced Scots were just that behind. I just made this up. Stupid bastards.

[C]

Of course, Scotland's first recorded reference to golf came in 1457. 512 years later. Wow. But a representative from the Royal and Ancient Golf Club in Scotland. Golf's Ruling body, of course, shook off Ling's findings. Stick and ball games have been around for many centuries. But golf.

[A]

We invented golf.

[C]

Don't take it away today. Played over 18 holes. Clearly originated in Scotland.

[A]

Don't let. Don't let Scott Scottish find out they didn't invent golf or they'll just light their own country on fire. They have nothing. They're a group of dirty, dirty people.

[C]

And the guy from the RNA Golf Club rulings, he says we're gonna go pick a fight with the Chinese.

[A]

Hey, slope. You see? Invented golf. Where's your great golfer? Tiger woods has some Asian. All right. Tiger Woods. You lean on that. That'll last like an hour.

[C]

You can take our golf, but you can't take our sheep.

[A]

That's the one thing they'll have left. Alright, and maybe you did invent golf, slope, but we certainly invented the fine art of banging a sheep in the arse.

[C]

Can you do this with your 3.7?

[A]

Take my 5 inch Scottish long and jam it up inside a shape. Do it, little man. Can't be done inventing golf. We invented putting things in holes.

[C]

Now iron my shirt, you stupid article.

[A]

Ancient Chinese secret. Huh? 3.7 inches. Ancient magic. They invented golf. Give the Scots the golf, the whole country will be in flames. They've got nothing.

[D]

Hear the words you say sometimes.

[A]

I mean, who talks like that? Holg's morning sickness.

[C]

A judge in Phoenix has decided that an unborn fetus does not count as a passenger. So pregnant women can't get away with using the carpool.

[A]

Good for him.

[C]

That went down when our lady friend Candice Dickinson of Phoenix got pulled over in the carpool lane while she was alone in her car and argued that since she was pregnant, she could use the HOV lane.

[A]

Brilliant on her part.

[C]

She lost the case. She had to pay $367 fine.

[A]

Good. Very smart for her, though. It's quick on your feet. You get pulled over in the HOV lane. There's two of us in here. I keep one of my belly.

[C]

How about this little scheme? We're so overloaded in prisons.

[F]

Sure.

[C]

This guy named Robert Gettys, a state senator in Idaho. He's figuring out a brilliant way to double the capacity without having to build additional square footage on the prisons.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

He wants to start having prisoners sleep in shifts. Think about it. You only need half as many beds. Raises a good point.

[A]

They're not doing that now.

[C]

Why does every inmate need his own bed? He's saying, or her own bed? What are they doing when they military does it all the time.

[A]

One half sleeping and the other half's doing what?

[C]

Well, mostly they want them all. All sleeping at the same time. That way the guards have time to do their thing.

[A]

Getting nasty? Yeah.

[C]

Play.

[A]

I don't know. I figured they would have been doing that by now. It seems like it should have been doing that a long time ago.

[C]

It would double down. Would get a lot more license plates.

[A]

All right, A team, snappy time. B team, rise and shine.

[C]

Excel Bradley of Barberton, Ohio, was in court yesterday after he threw one of his girlfriend's love toys at her from across the room. Hit her in the eye.

[A]

She's dead.

[C]

Cut her so badly that she needed six stitches.

[A]

Was it glass?

[C]

Half of what Arnie got from his motorcycle accident. Excel was convicted of domestic violence for throwing what the prosecutor simply described as, quote, a large sex toy. He'll be sentenced later.

[A]

In the face with a dildo and broke it.

[C]

He gets six months in prison for throwing six inches into her face. Yeah, I don't even know. It's probably bigger than that.

[A]

Well, large to you and large to me are different.

[C]

That is huge.

[A]

Gargantuan. Maybe it's not

[C]

always here about the bad side of meth. Well, I'll end it with this one.

[A]

How do you get into a fight with somebody where the dildo is the first weapon you have? You throw an ashtray or a lamp before you. I mean, you'd even reach down and grab the dildo and say, no.

[C]

And then I'm just trying to think of what kind of fight are they in, what kind of fight, what kind of place has them just laying around the kitchen table. Yeah, well, it probably wasn't in the kitchen.

[A]

I don't know if the dildo is just out and about where you can. It's the closest thing to you to grab.

[C]

Nightstand. It had to been out.

[A]

Yeah, well, they had to been using it. And then something happened, and there it was, and then the fight happened. He just picked it up and tossed it her head.

[C]

I bet you she got embarrassed because she's like, here, throw it over here.

[A]

Oh, it could have been a game. Throw it in. Throw it in. There's doing like, lawn darts from a distance with her and they.

[C]

Marsha Brady. Oh, you broke my nose.

[F]

No.

[A]

Rough housing. That could have been it. He could have been playing Tom Brady to, you know, wide receiver or something, you know, and he's Brady back to pass, and he's got it in his hand. He throws and he's trying to get the million to one shot. He over overthrew it, hit her in the face and then they fought and then she got mad. Don't do that. There's going to be a warning. Now on sex toys. Do not throw at partner.

[C]

They'll have to.

[A]

They'll have to because idiots will think that this is a good game. I'm going to try bit a little little jarts later tonight. All right, grab your feet. Pull them up over by your ears. Get that thing nice and high. And here comes the lawn jar. Come on baby, catch. Oh, little high. Hold on, we'll get it back.

[C]

You might need to put some lead weights in the head of it because the darts heavier, you know.

[A]

You know it'd be cool.

[C]

Some feathers on the end.

[A]

Yeah, get some feathers on the back and a lead weight on the front.

[C]

And now you're playing schlong darts.

[A]

Yeah, if you can plug it, it's like a hundred points. And then you draw a circle around that. I guess you don't really need to draw and but around her thighs and stuff. Like the ten point circle.

[C]

You could do cricket.

[A]

Yeah, and get some friends over. Have your girlfriend throw it in the air.

[C]

Is it 301 or 501?

[A]

You can play both. 301 or 501. Box starts. Man, that's a good idea. Honey, take your pants off me. The guy's to play darts. All right. Your wife's a large one.

[C]

Finally, here's the glorious side of meth. In Jackson, Missouri, a 37 year old lovely and talented Tracy Mayfield was tweaking on meth fun marijuana anti anxiety medicine. It's called clothes Clona pin. And she called the police. When the cops got to her house. She held him at knife point and a stun gun and made them watch as she stripped naked.

[A]

Oh, a meth head stripping.

[C]

After they let her finish, they arrest her for felony unlawful use of a weapon, misdemeanor possession of drug paraphernalia. Of course she decided to resist arrest a little bit and some property damage.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

I'm wondering if I guess it would be her own property or did they? This is where cops need to rip like a shirt. Resisting arrest, would that be considered? Yeah, if it's a policeman shirt.

[A]

If you're ripping a policeman shirt, you're the strongest person on the planet anyway. Unless he's wearing those biker T shirts. But this is where cops need full authority to just pull out the gun and fire just ender.

[C]

Not when they're stripping.

[A]

Well, after the show. Yeah, a meth head stripping. You want to shoot that anyway. Yeah, copper. Otherwise you want to fire away at that. Cops need to just be able to shoot more. Oh, because they get called out there out. They go all the way out to this meth heads house to help and she attacks them. Just, you know, the second guy should have his gun drawn just in case the door opens with trouble and if he doesn't like the way it's looking. That kid was fast. That's all. They just need to shoot more. They got to go through way too much paperwork to fire away at some crackhead. Don't you think a world would be a better place?

[C]

And then they should have also a trunk full of vacancy signs, you know, posted up after they eliminate that person. We should combine available space, available real

[A]

estate agents and police officers. We should. We should automatically combine cops to have real estate and end it. If they like the house a lot, they can. They can buy it after the cops are done there. Cops have no chance. And it's because we've taken their right to shoot anybody away. I love hearing about police shootings. I mean somebody was, yes, because cop finally gets his due. They don't want to kill anybody.

[C]

You don't love.

[A]

I love to hear about him. Means a cop finally said, screw it. This guy's out of his mind and I'm taking him out. And it's less let one less loony I got to worry about. I love the police. Everybody always gets on me for saying that. And they shouldn't. But I love the police and they need to start firing more. It just means you were doing something stupid around a copy. We need to. We need to give them more authority. You wouldn't like to see a crackhead go down, does that kind of crap. It could have been, you know, it

[C]

could have rang her as far as they came. And here's the knife point. No stun gun.

[A]

Let's say she doesn't call the police. And little kids selling. This is why little kids can't go door to door selling little league candy anymore because of meth heads like that.

[C]

No, it's not.

[A]

Yes, it is. Because your little league knocks on the door and then that looney lunatic opens it and she's got a stun gun and a knife and she's aced out on everything she's got. She's gonna take your kid and start messing with him. So the cops need to go out and go, all right, meth head, you've decided to ruin your life. I'm ending you. If you're gonna mess with Us.

[C]

That's why kids, you're picking the wrong neighborhoods to sell your chocolate for. Band.

[A]

Some kids don't have a choice.

[C]

There's always a choice.

[A]

And meth heads aren't necessarily in bad neighborhoods.

[C]

My kid, whenever they're showing away or selling stuff, you know, 15, 20 years

[A]

from now, when you're 70, you're gonna have kids.

[C]

He's gonna be trained by megaton over there at the.

[A]

Sure. Great. Good. He can self defend. Yeah, but the olden days when I used to. I used to love that. Those chocolate bars I used to sell for Eastdale Little League in Albuquerque. And now you mesa southwest here through

[C]

parents that sell kids and now they're like, that's ridiculous. That kid needs that experience of selling door to door.

[A]

But he can't because meth heads stun him, drag him inside and shoot him full of Clorox.

[C]

Although sometimes some of your best sales come from meth heads. They don't realize how much they're buying.

[A]

That's true. That's why kids can't go door to door. Cops. You have my authority. I give you my vote. Shoot people more, get them on, get them out of our way. Cops are Darwin's people.

[C]

Weed out thin amount.

[A]

Weed out the weak. We got too many people on the earth. Half of them are all cracked out. It's 98 KUPD. That's your Brady report.

[C]

Kids.

[A]

I'll get you going door to door before it's over because I miss those candy bars. It's 98 Morning Sickness.

[D]

Hear the words you say sometimes.

[A]

I mean, who talks like that? 98K U PD Holmberg's Morning Sickness. The Big Red Radio. 98 KUPD. People are debating Brady on the years that golf was invented. Now this is really upsetting. If the Chinese invented golf.

[C]

I did get a call from a guy that graduated from the Mundus Academy of Golf Management. And they do teach it that the Chinese invented the game originally and the scotch changed it. The Scottish came up with the modern day.

[A]

So it's like noodles because spaghetti and all that stuff is Chinese. But then when Marco Polo rolled back to Italy and he said look what I found. They started throwing sauce on it, made it Italian.

[C]

Correct. Or maybe now.

[A]

Cause noodles, you think, wow, the rigatoni and angel hair pasta and all that stuff is Italian. But it's not. It's pure Chinese. Jeremy emails me, or Jenny emails me. In other countries cops are allowed to shoot people, aren't they? I was watching on TV and I watched them just beat the crap out of people that were causing problems. I totally agree with you. We'd weed out all the creepy people,

[C]

got another lady on the amen.

[A]

And I guarantee you all the people go, well then cops just start randomly beating up people. I can guarantee you I would never get beaten up by a copy of even if they had the authority to shoot or do whatever. Because I would really behave when they were around. Like I don't already go here. Hi there. Who's this? You there? Hello? Hello.

[D]

Yeah, I'm here. My name is Jessica.

[A]

Hi, Jessica.

[D]

Good morning.

[A]

Good morning.

[D]

I totally agree with you, John. You know what? These people out here, they cost too much for the state to rehabilitate People don't want to bother with them. They're. They're a problem. I live out here in South Scottsdale. I think the Cali and away from my car.

[A]

Careful with your language now.

[D]

Oh, I'm sorry. No, it just fires me up every morning when I go to work. I swear, I walk to my car with my piece on me. Anybody even asks me for a dollar, they're going to get a little bit more than a dollar from me.

[A]

So if some. So someone even panhandles, you're taking them out?

[D]

I mean, seriously. I mean, where I live at, I've caught people in my yard at 3 in the morning. I mean, they're tweakers. And it's getting really bad in my neighborhood.

[A]

Just remember what Dave Chappelle taught us. If you shoot below the knee, it can't be considered attempted murder.

[D]

You know what? There you go. And I've even considered that because, you know, it's really bad where I live. I mean, I live down the street from Scottsdale. Osbourne Hospital. I live in ghetto Scottsdale. I didn't even know Scottsdale had a ghetto.

[A]

There it is.

[C]

Jessica, can I ask you something?

[D]

Sure.

[C]

Can I borrow a dollar?

[A]

Brady, how dare you. Wow.

[D]

You said them for me, John.

[A]

I did. Don't worry about it. No, I'm with you. A little creepy out there, so.

[D]

Yeah, I mean, and people shouldn't be afraid of cops or dislike cops unless you've got something hide or you're doing something wrong. I think cops are great. I. I appreciate what they do every single day and.

[A]

No, and everybody's mad at them until they need one. And also, see, I. I agree. I will never stand.

[C]

But I don't agree to the. The extent that I. I mean, I can't. I. I don't think we should do with them.

[D]

How do we fix these things?

[C]

I think one you know, I, I still think you can help the people.

[A]

Why they don't want to read about it.

[D]

If you read about it. You know how I mean, I go to a drugstore to buy Claritin and I got to show my id. Exactly why they did that. You know why they did that? Not because they're helping or they want to do something. Because we don't have a problem with meth labs out here. We have a problem with meth heads.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

You know, nobody makes it out here anymore.

[C]

So you're saying there's not enough labs?

[A]

Yeah, we need more labs.

[D]

I mean, you know too much to actually put these people through rehab. And I don't personally want to pay.

[C]

How do I think my taxes? How do I think you correct it? In a way, yeah. There's a. There's a fix it brain of legalize the stuff and let them weed themselves out.

[A]

Exactly. But the thing about that.

[D]

But if they're doing that in their process, they're gonna screw up everything with other people. I don't normal day in society.

[C]

But then you're here 14 years and I will say this, and I'm in some areas, but I've never really run into having a huge problem with crackheads. I've had them. I've had people ask me for money.

[D]

I am born and raised here and I've seen personally the effects of what it does to people. I have a four year old son, his father got stuck on it and I had no idea. And he one morning on my way there decided to shoot himself in the head personally. It can affect anybody anywhere.

[C]

So he wanted, he wanted to beat you to the punch.

[A]

Exactly. Because you, you evidently scared the tar out of him because you're wandering around like Dirty Harry. But that's a good thing. But yeah, I agree. Brady homeless for the holidays. Two meth heads were there. That girl that came in here, well, the one we let stay with us because he was, he was like finally guilty about.

[C]

Finally gave him an assist.

[D]

I mean they're not horrible people, but what they do makes them horrible. And it's a hard thing to. To shake. And so what do you do with them? I can round them all up and

[A]

send them some word to Meth Head island.

[D]

Exactly.

[A]

I'm with you, but I'm all there.

[C]

I mean I've had more run ins with drunks than I've had.

[A]

We gotta call them hernia. But a drunk is just. You can just push one of those over. Meth heads are powerful. We don't want to get you all fired up because you're. You're packing heat. So we want to make sure you're happy.

[D]

A drunk can sleep it off. A meth head. When do they sleep?

[C]

You know, both meth heads and we head out and homeless for the holidays. There's not much power.

[A]

Are you kidding? Have you seen that? Well, they're. They're.

[C]

The girl. More so than special kids.

[A]

Well, no, not Kenny. The dude that was sleeping there with his dog.

[C]

Oh yeah, that's right.

[A]

That kid was not.

[C]

You know, his dog had power.

[A]

His dog had. So he had a pit bull, for crying out loud. Good call. We'll talk to you later. Thanks.

[D]

Okay, thank you.

[C]

But you wouldn't want to shoot that guy.

[A]

No, but if he was all methed out and hanging around there and started taking our stuff. Yeah, he was just trying to get off the meth. I'm all for it if he's trying to help himself. But you call the cops and start messing with them, the cops should be to able to plug you. Oh, thank you. That's my thing. Cops need the right to plug more people.

[C]

That. To an extent.

[A]

Plugging more people. They get too many barriers. If a cop gets a call and a dude answers the door and tries to stun none.

[C]

If. If you say break the law.

[F]

Get it? Die.

[C]

Take a.

[A]

Take a. You know what, Wound them. Put it in their thigh. Make it so they get a limp the rest of their life. I'm all for that.

[C]

Some of the Kathy Bates.

[A]

Yeah. Have them hobbled. I'm in. Cops don't have any rights. It's not fair. If you call the cops, they show up to help you and you pull a stun gun on them. Ice that effort right there, officer. Y' all watch the Sopranos too much. It's out of control now. 98 to you. PD the best of Homburg's morning sickness. Bob Marley is here. Bob, welcome to the boo bomb. That's right.

[C]

He already knew about.

[F]

I'm down with the boo, Bob.

[A]

Yeah, we have to keep it on the background because we feel like we're missing.

[C]

I have a.

[A]

We feel like we're missing something if we don't watch the.

[C]

My.

[F]

My mother bought my one year old one for Christmas and we turned it on in the middle Christmas morning and the thing goes. It just sat there and then his head pops up and he goes. He starts spinning around and it starts running. And I was immediately frightened, but I was drawn to it.

[A]

That's how we are with the show

[F]

Animal on the Road or like a stripper that's like £400.

[A]

You gotta watch it. You kind of want to eat it. Yeah, but you're not sure. We're talking about the dead thing in the road still, right? I'm not sure.

[C]

They look like colored snowballs, you know, or like those.

[F]

They're called snowballs. They're like little Teletubbies without things on their head. And maybe not as gay. Yeah. I don't know.

[A]

Borderline on the gay thing.

[C]

Yeah. The good thing though is when they pop their heads out, it's a fart sound.

[F]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Amazing how much snowballing actually goes on while this abuba.

[F]

It's excellent stuff.

[A]

It is. It's a great thing. How you been doing?

[F]

I've been good. My kids enjoy. I got two kids and you know, I got the four year old. I don't know if you guys have my.

[A]

She's creepy.

[C]

You kid.

[F]

She frightens me.

[A]

I'm dead sick.

[F]

You ever wake up in the middle of the night and your kid's just standing next to the bed like Carol Ann from Poltergeist? Yes. I mean, what's she doing? Sizing me up for the trunk or something? I rolled over and I was like, hey, dad. And I'm like, yes, what is it, Chucky? She's like, you want to play a game? Like. Yeah. It's called dad phones the police. What are you doing, Little Lizzie Borden

[A]

or whatever, standing in the room. Why did she do it?

[C]

She just had to go to the bathroom or something.

[F]

I don't know. Whatever it is, yeah, I want to sleep with you. I want to sleep with you and Mom. Did you ever do that as a kid? Yeah, you go in your parents room.

[A]

Why?

[F]

I mean, looking back on it. Look at your parents right now.

[C]

I still do when I go home.

[A]

Yeah, Brady does.

[F]

That's what I mean by who would want to. I look at my parents and then I think to myself, why would I ever want to sleep between those two people? I mean, my dad with those boxer shorts with the racing stripes and my mother with that nightgown. You remember the mama nightie? Remember the one that your mother had? That nightie she should have thrown away about 12 years ago. Yes, it's complete. You know the nightgown? She's washed it too many times. This is always playing completely see through at this point. Showing you way too much of mama. Do you ever catch her in the Brad Beaconist hallway light? Mama turns and the mama boob is Illuminato. Yeah, my Mother be like, where'd you kids go tonight? I know where you didn't go nightgown shopping down at Sears. Mama.

[A]

Amazing how Marvin Gaye ruined that whole thing, isn't it? Sorry about that.

[C]

Pipe gown turns into rice paper.

[F]

Oh, it does.

[C]

So weather.

[F]

Oh, yeah, yeah. And she's got the whole mama situation that you don't want to see.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

It's just not right, you know? And now I have kids, but they drive me nuts, too. I'm afraid of the kids. I'll be sitting there with a remote control, and she'll walk in and rip it out of my hand and just change the channel right onto the Booba or the Elmo or the Door of the Horror, whatever her name is. Yeah, I'll tell you one I got. You know who I got a beef with? Those Wiggles. Yeah, line them up. I will fight every wiggle there is. I don't care if that purple one knows karate. Bring it on, Jeff. You bring it on, sleepy. Whatever your name is. Yeah, the wiggle. Those guys. Because I can't get the songs out of my head. Mashed banana. Mash, banana. Pound you right in the head. Wiggle. You a little wiggly son of a. Yeah.

[C]

You have to play it in the car.

[F]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

In the.

[F]

In the vehicle. And I freak out, and I. Because the. The DVD player's behind me and I can't put it in because whoever made the DVD decided it would be better that if I was going 85 down the freeway, I should be steering with my knee with my Burger King Whopper strewn across the front seat. Maybe I could become a circus act and put the disc in behind me. And I'm freaking out. My wife goes, you don't need to yell about it. Why don't you just give her the disc? She's in the back. She could put it. She can't put it in. She's strapped into that car seat like Hannibal Lecter back there. You know that car seat? I mean, that's. Have you ever tried to put a car seat in?

[C]

No.

[F]

It's insane. You did it. I mean, it's like the directions freak you out because you read. When I was a kid, we didn't even have it. We didn't have seat belts.

[A]

Yeah.

[F]

My dad would put me up on the dashboard like a little Jesus. You sit there, take it like a man. We go.

[C]

You know what I mean? But now.

[F]

Now it's in the back seat, and you read the directions. If the car seat moves half an

[A]

inch, your child could snap Its neck and die.

[F]

So I, like, drilled it into the seat. Yeah, I put a helmet on the kid. I got a helmet. The wife's got a helmet. We look like the Coyotes going to an away game. I'm going two, three miles an hour in the breakdown lane with cones duct taped to the back of the truck. When I was single, I didn't care how I drove. I would go 180 miles an hour through a school zone. There's hookers in the backseat doing blow. Ted Kennedy's passed out next to me wearing scuba gear.

[C]

Yeah.

[F]

Yeah. Gotta be ready for anything here. I never know what's gonna happen. Not my fault she can't swim with a car on her head. I had scuba gear on my side. Now let's go on to Chicago and win there. No, but these, you know, the kid will change the remote control and I won't say anything about it. My wife will come out of nowhere and be like, oh, it's okay. Just let her do it. She's having a bad day. She's having a bad day. I'm having a bad day. And I pay for all this stuff.

[C]

How could her day be bad? Exactly.

[F]

She gets up and, you know, does whatever she eats. Froot Loops and watches. Yeah. But then I'll say, you know, do you think we could have got away with changing the channel when our dad. With our dad. When we were. No, I mean, imagine your dad's watching.

[A]

I was the remote control when my dad.

[F]

That's right.

[A]

When I was growing up. My get up and turn it, go

[F]

over there and flick the channel, flip it back on.

[C]

Edward penis hands.

[F]

Change the knob. I mean, if I went over to the TV and my dad was watching 60 Minutes and I proclaimed to him that we will now be watching Scooby Doo, my dad would be like, you'll watch Scooby Doo when you get back from the hospital. You want to watch Scooby Doo, Get a job, work 85 hours a week, Go down to see us. Buy a 27 inch Zenith console, put it in your bedroom and watch Scooby Doo until the cows come home. My dad was right off the deep end. My dad was one of these dads that looked like his head was going to explode. And I would try not to laugh at him. And it would make it worse. I'd have a snot bubble coming out of my nose and he would just stare at me and go, keep it up. You keep it up. And then you are gonna wonder what happened. That was his big saying. You're Gonna wonder what every kid in the neighborhood was frightened about. My dad they would run for. We had an above ground pool, a 16 by 20 foot, 4ft deep Gibraltar with the exterior pool filter that sounded like a 747 Boeing. Nothing screams financial success like the above ground pool.

[C]

It's when you hit it big.

[F]

Yeah. And my dad would walk around the exterior of the pool and duct tape, handwritten signs about the pool. No messing around. No, no, no horseplay. No alcoholic beverages. And then he had another sign that just said, no screwing around in general. That was one sign. Just in general. We had this one kid, Johnny Johnson, lived two houses down, was walking around the outside of the pool. You know, it's about four inches wide, right? And he dove into the pool. And my dad GRE like a tyrannosaurus rat.

[A]

She came through.

[F]

It was like slow motion. He reached into the pool and grabbed the kid by his hair. He goes, hey, Johnson, what does that say? And Nick Johnson kid was like, it says, no diving, but yet you dive, Johnson. It says, no diving, but yet you die. You know what's gonna happen to you, Johnson? You're gonna crack your head open. You're gonna be wearing a helmet, riding a short bus the school. And then you're going to wonder what happened. And where will I be? I'll be screwed. Your parents will take me to the farm. You think I got insurance on this? Gibraltar Johnson. I haven't seen the Johnson kid since. The Johnson kid, since. I mean, my dad would freak out about the garden hose. You ever use the garden hose and not roll it up the right way? My dad would come home and slam the car door and I'd go, hey, dad, what's up? What's up? What's up? As I work all day, I come home and that garden hose is crawling around the backyard like an anaconda. Put it back. Then he showed us. I showed you how to roll it up. You ever show you how to roll a guard? How he would like on the elbow to hand, the elbow to wrist, he'd lock it. I showed you how to coil it. You coil it and then you put it over here on the hoser hanger upper. But you don't do that.

[C]

You do that in extension cords probably.

[F]

Oh, yeah, extension cord. Same. The same thing.

[A]

Coilage.

[F]

And my dad would be like, but he ever run the scenario with you, how he thought you did it? But you don't do that. You walk over the hose and you take it and throw it. And then you go, screw dad. That's what you kids do.

[C]

Cuz it's all about attacking him.

[F]

Oh, exactly.

[A]

You and I had the same father. Oh my God, yours had an accent.

[F]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Mine is just nuts.

[F]

My dad was lazy too. You ever have to do stuff your dad just because you had your shoes on?

[A]

Oh yeah.

[F]

I mean, what kind of was that? Yeah. Hey, you got shoes on, right? Go outside and pave the driveway

[A]

and

[F]

put three vials of HTH ph chemical in the Gibraltar.

[A]

While you're up. While you're up.

[C]

Did he build a deck around the Gibraltar?

[F]

He had a deck around the Gibraltar, but that was like our running post so we could cannonball.

[E]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[F]

And the water would come out of the back and he'd be like, do you see 4 gallons of water in your mother's pansies now? Because you have to cannonball. Do I look like a man who is on the edge?

[C]

His vision of his pools like just a soaking pool.

[F]

Oh my word. Can I tell you a true story? One time my dad got so all

[A]

this was crap up until now.

[F]

This is all true.

[A]

It's all true.

[F]

But this is. This is so ridiculous. This next thing I'm gonna tell you is so ridiculous that there's no way it could be true.

[A]

Okay.

[F]

One time my dad got stung in the balls by a bumblebee. And I, I mean, I. I was in the house and this is what I heard. Ow. Let go of me.

[E]

Back off.

[F]

And so I. I looked out the window. My dad was dancing around, punching himself in. And so my mother's freaking out. Your father's gone crazy. Lock the door. Call the police. It's nom flashbacks. He wasn't a nom. So he looks up, I went over it. I locked the door, right? And my dad comes banging on the door. I got stung in the ball. And my mother goes, I think he wants to go to the mall. He never wants to go to the mall. So he had an allergic reaction. And they begin to swell. And when I say swell, I don't mean like, I mean like. And my mother was like, oh my God, look at your father's balls. I said, no, I'm still trying to get you and that nightie out of my mind, right? So she goes, go to Rite Aid. I go, what? She goes, go down to the Walgreens. Get your shoes on quickly. I said, what? She goes, run to the pharmacy. And I. That's it. There's no other instructions. Just run up there. What do I do when I get there? Just run in.

[A]

Woo.

[F]

My Dad's got some big balls back at the house. Come on, let's load up.

[C]

Cause how old were you?

[F]

I was, like, 12. I'm like, I mean, what am I looking for at the Walgreens that's gonna. Yeah, ball be gone or something? I got a bag of ice. I don't know what to get. I came home, I kicked the door, and I go, where is Ima? She goes, he's in the backyard. I did not let him in this house with those big balls. I said, why? And there's her answer, and I still don't know what it means. She goes, because I have good china. That's why. So in her. In her mind, she thought, certainly, once he got those monstrosities through the door, Jamba, his next piece of business on his agenda would be to China. That would be the breaker plate. I never liked that place setting. I'll trash this whole place with my big boleros. Good times at the Marley house.

[C]

Now, did it finally go down? Did you score at Walgreens?

[F]

They just started. They went down. I don't know how, but, like, kids in the neighborhood would come over. Like, finally, the Johnson kid came back.

[C]

Now, did he event. Did you laugh or you probably.

[F]

And my dad was like, keep it up. You keep it up. And then you're gonna wonder what happened

[A]

when these go away. But I did.

[F]

I did get him laughing. Because at this point, I looked him, I said, dad, you know what? If you died at that point, we would have to have two pallbearers and two ball bearers. We'd have to have a. We'd have to have a hearse with, like, an extension on each side. Like one of those mobile homes that kicks out. The side kicks out. The priest would be, like, throwing holy water, like, oh, over there on that side, too. Hallelujah.

[C]

Teach him not to work in the yard Commando ever.

[A]

Oh, yeah. What was he doing with his balls out in the first place?

[F]

He had a big stomach, and he wear these Bermuda shorts that would pull up to his nipples, and then the bottom of the Bermuda shirt would hang out a little bit, and you would just kind of see, like, I was right up the hole. I animated it. I had it animated on my website. It's bmarley.com.

[A]

get on it.

[F]

If you want to go on it. Look for. It's a. It's at the end of this, like, little segment that we did.

[C]

And so you can see how a bee would think that's just a pollen jackpot. Yeah.

[F]

Oh, yeah. Well, you know, Those Bermuda shorts, they're very colorful, you know? So he would be like, let's go check it out.

[A]

Then he stole your father's flower.

[F]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[A]

Beautiful. Oh, my God.

[F]

It's. Yeah, it's great. Crazy. Crazy. Growing up.

[A]

We can't get on your website. You're gonna. You're gonna email us like crazy. You gotta sign up.

[F]

Oh, yeah. All right, well, no, no, I don't do that. No spam. I'm spam free.

[A]

Oh, that's what it says.

[F]

Scroll down and say, sign up for

[A]

more spam right there. When you.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

Sign up to be polluted, they can't

[F]

call the house anymore. I used to love it when they called the house because I was totally messed around. He goes, oh, yeah, this is Darius calling from mci. How you doing? I'm like, pretty good. Wait one second, please.

[A]

Put that down.

[F]

Put that down, Richard. I'm sorry, Darius. I have about 12 kids over here, and they just dropped me. And he goes, yeah, anyway, MCI is going to offer you five cents off.

[C]

Listen.

[F]

And then I let him go for a little bit. And I'd be like, richard, you put that down, I am going to stab

[A]

you in the eye.

[F]

I'm sorry, Darius.

[D]

Go ahead.

[F]

Yeah, mci. And then I'd put it down. It'd be like a fight.

[A]

You oughta got it.

[F]

I'm going to kick the crap out of you. You're dead now, aren't you? I'm sorry. Go ahead, Darius. And he's been like, yeah, mci. I'm like, darius, I've been messing with you for, like, the last couple minutes, Darius. And you're not gonna call the police or anything? He's like, no, I'm trying to sell you something. I know you are. Click. Goodbye, crazy Darius. The worst one.

[A]

I dealt with American Expressor recently, and a lady had asthma so bad on the phone, she's trying to go through a thing. I'm like, do you have to sneeze? Oh, my God. And you can't be mean to her because she's got a disability now you're just a dick if you just say, I don't want anything.

[F]

She's got a problem. Yeah.

[C]

You don't want the travelers insurance?

[A]

No, I got it. I couldn't help it. I don't even travel. I had to. I think I got played. Hold on while I wheel over to the computer. It was awful, but I couldn't help it. I bought everything she bought.

[F]

My dad thought Sears was tapping the phone line because he owed him 50 bucks. And so what. Here's what happened. Would he be on the phone? And we got called waiting when my mother didn't tell him about it. So the phone would beep and he. And he'd be talking to somebody go, I know what you. Sears, I know you're piping in. I'm not giving you the 50 bucks. I bought a pool skimmer. It doesn't work. You can go to he double hockey stick. Sears. Eat it, sis. My parents are absolutely crazy. I brought them to Martha's Vineyard once for a show, and my mother was in the backseat the whole ride down from. We were living in Maine. It's like a three hour drive. And my mother's like, I'd like to go, are you hungry? I'm hungry. Anybody hungry? You're hungry? Cause I'm hungry. You're hungry. And my dad's in the front seat. He goes, will you do something about this? At this point, my mother's a situation for him, right? Do something about this back here. So I ran into the Dunkin Donuts and I got her a couple muffins, right? Then I came out and she got on the boat to go to the island, to Martha's Vineyard, right? And my mother goes, oh, they have clam chowder. I love chowder. I like. My dad goes, there she goes, spend, spend, spend. Like you think a bowl of chowder is gonna bust you out. So I'm doing a gig for Carly Simon out there, right? She had a club. So we get off the wall, off the boat, we're walking down the wharf, me and my dad. And from behind, this is what I hear from my mother. Oh, gee. Oh, Lord, no. Somebody. Oh, my God. And I turn around and my dad goes, here we go, here we go. I turn around and my mother is on a bench seat and her body is contorted and she's like, I can't. And my dad goes, what is wrong? She goes, I had those chowder and some of those muffins. And I think some of those muffins are starting to peek out of my ass a little bit now, folks, if you're driving around now, listen. And I desperately wish I could make up the last following phrase, but that again, exactly what came out of my mother's mouth. I think some of those muffins are starting to peek out of my rear end. My dad goes, well, get up and walk to the hotel. And we will. I can't get off this bench. There'll be a big surprise. She goes, go. My mother goes, go, Rent a car. So we went and rented a vehicle. Have you ever had to drive your mother in a vehicle? Have you ever had to rent a car? Because possibly your mother might go to the bathroom in her pants. No, that's not a reason for renting a car. She was able to hold it, huh?

[C]

Yeah.

[F]

Oh, yeah. And then we went and rented a car, and my dad went to move her into the vehicle. And when he did, I heard a noise. It was. It was awful. It was like. And my dad was like, there's a ship coming in. I'm like, almost. Dad, you're off by a consonant, but you're kind of close. It was just. It was horrible. This is what I live with.

[A]

Can we call your parents?

[F]

This is my life. Life. Oh, yes.

[A]

You want to?

[F]

Yeah. You can give my mother a call in her salad.

[C]

I bought her Gibraltar pools. I want to see a couple of these.

[F]

9970. You can't call my dad because he passed away. You can call my mom.

[A]

We can't call him, then.

[F]

No. See if my mom's there, though.

[C]

Look at our buddy. Strong Bear could probably call.

[A]

Yeah, we've got a psychic. Is that a nine? The second one, yeah.

[F]

Two or two?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[F]

I don't want to actually say the number.

[A]

What's her name?

[F]

Marcia. Marcia.

[D]

You have entered an invalid account. Please check the number and try again.

[C]

There they are. Give me some pictures.

[F]

By 20 foot. That's the above ground beauty.

[C]

Look at that gem.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Oh, that's nice. Rectangular.

[C]

Yeah.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, yeah. What's her name? Marcia. All right. She might be at swimming class.

[F]

She takes a class with several other women at the ywca.

[A]

I just want to hear.

[F]

Up in Freeport, Maine, next to L.L.

[C]

beans,

[F]

we do all kinds of stretches. We do cat scratches and we do toe extenders.

[D]

You have reached 87899.

[F]

That's Mom.

[A]

Oh, that's too close. I almost gave the whole thing away there, didn't I?

[D]

But if you leave a message, we'll be glad to call you back.

[A]

Sounds like she's 30 years old, Bob.

[D]

Thank you.

[F]

No, she sounds hot. Ma, it's me. I'm on the radio in Phoenix. Say hi, guys.

[A]

Hello, it's John and Brady.

[F]

I was just telling these guys about you and dad and they were laughing hysterically. We're trying to get you. I don't have your cell on me. It's programmed into my cell. That's how we operate now. Everything's programmed in it. I can't call you back because I Don't know your number. Cut your number 17.

[A]

So we were just concerned, Marcia, if there was a muffin poking out or not.

[F]

Yeah, I was telling him about Martha's Vineyard, the trip. We had this video.

[A]

Oh, good.

[C]

Joyce was swim class.

[F]

All right. Love you, Ma.

[A]

It's Bob Marley this weekend at the Tempe Improv.

[F]

Yeah, it's a rip down there. You haven't been to the Tempe.

[C]

Tell the story right.

[F]

Oh, she knows. Yeah. She goes to the club and she. Yeah. One. The first show she ever came to, she sat in the front row with all the people from the neighborhood. And she was right up front there, and she was laughing until I started talking about her. And then she was giving me that, you know, she. Like she was going to cut my throat off sign.

[A]

Got it.

[F]

And then I come up throughout the show. I said, you have a good. Did I have a good time? Did I have a good time? I'm in the front row with all the people from the neighborhood. Bill and Sally Bitterman were there. Big people. The only couple on our block that has aluminum siding. Big people. And you're up there talking about me. And then you start in with the language and effing.

[A]

That's nice.

[F]

Effing this and effing that. That's nice. She's doing the rosary in between.

[A]

You got it right in the front row.

[F]

Oh, my.

[A]

That's hilarious. Bob, you are the man.

[F]

Thank you guys for having me.

[A]

You did the whole act. Yeah, I just.

[F]

I just. I always have fun. I just let it rip. And you want some more free laughs, go to bmarly.com and seriously, there's no strings attached.

[A]

Just sign up.

[F]

There's a lot of great MP3s. And the Tempe Improv. Great Club I've been doing.

[A]

Is there a link to Darius at mci?

[C]

We need to get you a sponsorship. Said Gibraltar Pool.

[F]

Yeah, I would love to do it, man. Yeah.

[A]

And then the whole end of your show, you can sell CDs in Gibraltar Pool. Gold, man. Gold. You want to get an installation of

[C]

the 16 by 24 for 99 down?

[F]

Yeah, it comes with the duct tape sign on the side. Have you heard the pool filter? That's pretty subtle, dad.

[A]

Goodbye.

[F]

Good purchase.

[A]

Oh, my God. Hey.

[F]

The Tempe Improv. Great club. I played 38 clubs last year, and that was one of the Rock and bones never fails.

[A]

Everybody comes here, says it's a blast. It really is. Tempe improv.com. you can get tickets or call 480-92-9877 Bob Marley B. Marley M A R L E Y.com Bobby the thank you guys.

[F]

Appreciate it.

[A]

Absolutely. My stomach hurts. It's Bob Marley, everybody. It's out of control now. The best of Homburg's morning sickness. But right now, it's time for Brady to give us all the news. In the entertainment world, we call it the entertainment drill. Brady, entertain me.

[C]

Ryan Seacrest was interviewed on a radio station yesterday. He's gay in New Jersey. It was actually on Wednesday. He walked out twice on the interview.

[A]

Why?

[C]

Because one of the fine hosts asked him. He'd answered a question. He said in the first few minutes of the interview, he asked Ryan, would you rather, as American Idol star, would you rather spend a night with Kelly Clarkson or Clay Aiken?

[A]

What did he say? He walked out. It was too hard for him.

[C]

Sexual. Actual connotation of the question, saying, you're both very talented. Blah, they're both very talented. Blah, blah, blah. And then he got up and got out of seat. Then they talked him back. Seriously. Come on back in.

[A]

We were just playing, right?

[C]

And then there's dead air for a little bit. Then he says, ryan, are you homosexual?

[A]

No.

[C]

He says, I can't stay here, man. I got a jet. And then all he said as he was storming off, he left. He said, says, you know, I don't know why I trusted you.

[E]

Answer the question to those guys.

[A]

Ask me that question. Are you gay? No.

[E]

Yeah. Cuz if you're not gay, you're going to stand there.

[C]

What the hell?

[A]

Ask me again. Make sure.

[C]

John, are you gay?

[E]

No.

[A]

Toledo. You want to make it the hat trick? John, how do you. Are you gay? No.

[C]

Ask me.

[A]

Brady, are you gay?

[C]

I am out of here.

[A]

I knew it. He's gay. But that is so gay. And it's all right nowadays. Brokeback Mountain has made it good to be gay. Be gay. It means happy.

[E]

Maybe they should have worded it a little nicer. Are you a butt pirate?

[A]

Yeah. Can I smell your fingers?

[C]

That's nicer.

[A]

That is nicer.

[E]

No, if you just answer the question.

[A]

Waffles or hot dogs, what do you prefer?

[E]

I don't like either.

[A]

Really?

[C]

Give me the choice again.

[A]

Waffles or hot dogs?

[C]

Both.

[A]

Bisexual.

[C]

Waffle and a hot dog.

[A]

You got a waffle sitting in front of you and a hot dog. What are you gonna pick?

[C]

No, I'm going for the waffle.

[A]

You could if you wanted, but take the waffle.

[E]

Do I get syrup with that?

[C]

Yeah, right now you know.

[A]

But the hot Dog represents homosexuality. Oh, yes.

[C]

You didn't say no.

[A]

Just testing you.

[C]

Eric.

[A]

Are you gay? No. See? Took you second, but no.

[C]

Is the hot dog Vienna beef?

[A]

I don't know.

[C]

Do I get ketchup?

[A]

Yeah, you can have. You can put anything on it.

[C]

We could have the return of the Swamp Thing too.

[A]

I'm hungry.

[C]

Feather Locklear has thrown the Talon with Richie Sambor.

[A]

She's done after 11 years.

[E]

What does that have to do with this one?

[A]

She was in return of the Swamp Thing. Yeah, she was. Adrienne Barbeau was in Swamp Thing and Heather Lockler was in Return of the Swamp Thing. I just watched it a couple months ago.

[E]

Eric have that on your resume?

[A]

It did her all right.

[C]

And Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen aren't talking to each other at all.

[A]

Damn it. That's too bad.

[C]

Lee Tamahori.

[A]

Asian?

[C]

Yes. Director of the James Bond movie Die Another Day.

[E]

He's dead?

[C]

He's alive and doing quite well. He also did Triple X, State of the Union. So a terrible director, but a better transvestite. Street squish. What? He was arrested in a big prostitution sting. The problem was our our boy Tama was actually the street squished Brady. He was cruising Santa Monica Boy Boulevard. Went up to a undercover cop who was in a car. Offered him perform an act of deviant.

[A]

The director of Triple X?

[C]

Yes. He's currently free on a two thousand dollar bail. And his court date is February 24th.

[A]

Was it triple X, Vin Diesel or State of the Union? No, Ice Cube.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, so he was the terrible. If it's possible.

[C]

Possible.

[A]

The worst of the two of those movies. And what was the other one he directed?

[C]

Die Another Day.

[A]

That was a pretty terrible Bond movie. He had to make some money though.

[E]

Wait a minute. Is that the one with Halle Berry?

[A]

Yes, that is.

[E]

She was in it.

[C]

Tom Sizemore back on the wagon. I guess Ori fell off the way wagon.

[E]

No.

[A]

What would be. I've always confused that. If you're on the wagon, that means you're drunk. If you're off the wet.

[F]

No.

[A]

If you're on the wagon, you're not drunk, you're sober. If you're off the wagon, you're drunk.

[C]

He fell off the wagon then.

[A]

So he's drunk again.

[C]

Yeah. Possession of meth.

[E]

He's not drunk.

[A]

He's not drunk. He's not messing with the little stuff.

[C]

He said we're off to see the Wiznator.

[A]

But this is the best thing for his career because he doesn't do good misunderstood movies. The Only time he's one Natural Born Killers. It was decent, but it wasn't.

[C]

He's looking at 16 months prison.

[A]

He was cool. Scagnetti. He was cool. I like that. But. Yeah, but that was when, 12, 15 years ago.

[E]

He's made good movies back in the day.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. It's the best thing for his career because his career's over. It's been over for. Since Saving Private Ryan, and he wasn't even that big a part of that. It was good, but you remember the

[C]

super stud, Dick Van Pat?

[E]

Captain. Oh, yeah.

[A]

He's not dead.

[C]

He's alive.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

He had a stroke, though.

[E]

Oh, you sucked us in on that one.

[A]

Kind of gave me the. Oh. Oh.

[C]

He's 77 years old. He had a stroke last month. Luckily, however, even though he suffered some speech impairment, paralysis, he's already on the road to full recovery.

[E]

Geez, they better.

[C]

They'll be hosting this year's New Year's Eve party. Oh, no, I don't know about that, but there's a diabetic stroke.

[E]

They better hurry up make Spaceballs, too. So I get them in there.

[A]

They got to get that Eight is Enough reunion going, too.

[C]

We have a little commercial doing Natural Balance. Natural Balance Edibles for dogs. So delicious. You can eat them, too.

[A]

Wrong with you?

[C]

I don't know. Thought it'd be good to have a Dick Van Patten commercial on.

[A]

Sure, always.

[C]

And in the box office this weekend, When A Stranger Calls. Have you been seeing the.

[A]

Yeah, it's the old dumb movie.

[C]

Yeah, the remake. But they've been doing the commercials.

[A]

Here's my issue with that.

[C]

To be continued.

[A]

Back in the 70s, there used to be that. That horrible feeling when the phone would ring and if you check the children and the girl's like, oh, my God. She goes up and checks them, and then she calls to have the phone tapped to say, you know, the guy goes, oh, my God, he's in the house. That the big horror of the movie, that the guy who's calling is actually in the house calling. But nowadays with caller ID and cell phones and stuff, you'd either know right away or the phone company couldn't tell.

[E]

Just so happens that she doesn't have caller id.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. But who doesn't have that now in the house she's living in, they've got caller id. You can't buy a phone without it now.

[C]

And in limited release, the Bat, soon to be worldwide releasing, A Good Woman that has Scarlett Johansson in it.

[A]

Wow, is she naked? Does she get naked yet?

[C]

Let's see then I'm not.

[E]

Well, I'd price this.

[C]

Helen Hunt is also in it. She plays a seductive older woman trying to steal Scarlett Johansson's husband away. Could be. Yeah, right. Could be boys, right?

[A]

That would happen. I did this guy in the world. Scarlett Johansson. I've got to go. Bug eyes wants a date with me. She looks like she's just developing down syndrome over the years. It's true. Her eyes are all drooping now.

[E]

She only bad and as good as it gets.

[A]

But look at her eyes.

[E]

I wasn't looking at her.

[A]

She's corky. I know. That's where she's got you. I know you're. You're boob blind.

[E]

We are where all the Senshi hands

[A]

had boobs in the movie.

[E]

I don't know where they came from.

[A]

I do.

[F]

Where?

[E]

Wonder, bro.

[C]

Maybe it's not confirmed, but this could be huge. The Spice Girls reunion is back on. Except it's gonna be missing one Spice. No baby Mel C or which is Sporty Spice.

[A]

Oh.

[C]

Still won't agree to participate. Darn it.

[A]

She was my favorite. But the.

[E]

The one that broke.

[A]

Broke.

[E]

Broke the whole group up. She'll play. I don't know which one is what.

[A]

I don't know what is what anymore. Oh, Grandma Spice.

[E]

Yeah, Grandma.

[A]

She was, like, 40.

[C]

Finally. Is file sharing really the reason the music industry is in such a slump?

[A]

No.

[C]

According to a poll of 1000 people by Rolling Stone magazine and the Associated Press, 92 of those surveyed had never downloaded music illegally. 80 say they do indeed believe this is stealing. 75 blame the decline in record sales on the high cost of CDs, while 58 say the quality of today's music is weak.

[A]

Bad music. Well, they put out one good song and make a whole album around it.

[C]

And our boy Nick Lachey had his singles out.

[F]

What?

[C]

What's left of Me?

[A]

Nothing.

[C]

It made its premiere in AOL Music this morning.

[A]

Nothing is left of you, Nick. You were Jessica's love toy, and that's the only reason anyone in America liked you.

[C]

Or check it out. Www.whyfly.com the letter Y.

[A]

That's his thing. Good luck, Nick.

[E]

Where did all my money go?

[A]

Yeah, why doesn't anyone film me doing anything anymore? Because that gargantuan set of jugs that used to be with you all the time isn't so no more cameras for you. On the flip side, Nick's getting a lot of privacy.

[E]

A lot of strip clubs.

[A]

A lot of strip clubs. And he can go in and no one Notices. There's your entertainment drill. Guadalupe Square is coming up in just moments. It's 98K upd. It's out of control now. 98K upd. It's the last of Homburg's morning sickness. I'm 98K upd. Here's your Guadalupe squares for Friday 2006.

[E]

It's gonna give the weather now.

[A]

75 degrees in the big city. Looking for a nice weekend. Might be jumping up to about 83. Get drunk. Here's a creepy Bergeron. Creepy. Take it away.

[E]

Thank you, Johnny. Starting in the top left corner. He's at the Improv this weekend. It's our buddy, Norm MacDonald.

[A]

Holy cow.

[C]

There.

[A]

It's awful high up in this square over here. Hey there, Eric.

[E]

I'm doing all right.

[A]

Hey, holy cow. That's a face up penny. I'm gonna pick that up there and I'm gonna put in my pocket for good luck. Because, you know, Eric, you crack whore, you get the find a penny, pick it up all day long, you'll have yourself a penny.

[E]

That's right. Thanks, Norm.

[A]

There you go. How you doing? The buttons don't work for the clapping.

[E]

Yeah, we'll just do it ourselves. All right.

[A]

Thanks here, guys. Appreciate it.

[E]

That's good. We got no buzzers. Hey, there it is.

[A]

Holy cow. That's a loud crowd. Just came out of nowhere in front

[E]

of you and the top metal square. It's the Cubs home opener today. It's Harry Carey.

[A]

Hey, holy cow. I say the same things as Norm there. It's the exact same guy there. Boy, oh boy. Find the penny, pick it up all day long you'll have a penny. Holy cow.

[E]

That was funny.

[A]

Holy cow there. That guy does what I do when he's old. Dead. Top right corner over there.

[E]

Top right corner from earlier in the week. We had Mini Genius here. Herve Vilaches and Roark both here today.

[A]

The plan, the plane.

[E]

There it is.

[C]

Yes, it is.

[A]

Great to be back.

[E]

What's up, Tiny?

[A]

What are you doing, Mr. Eric? What don't you understand?

[E]

You're kind of a jerk.

[A]

No, I know. I don't understand. You can win your call time.

[C]

No fantasy for you, Eric.

[A]

You're an esword. What I say, you're an echo.

[E]

You got a problem, I'll kick you across.

[A]

I will knee you in your genitals. Yes. Give me a ladder.

[E]

Not afraid of you.

[A]

Internet. Like Eric o' Connor in the middle.

[E]

Esquare. Hasee, Dixie.

[A]

Was.

[E]

Was here a little bit ago. Lemmy from Motorhead.

[A]

You set that Little midget up where? I'm gonna stuff him in my butt like a plug and wear him about for pleasure's sake.

[E]

He probably liked it.

[A]

He would love it. Because you know why? He's a little gay. Is he?

[E]

Why is everybody gay? I think.

[A]

Shut up, Eric, and quit eyeballing me, queerbait.

[E]

Yes.

[A]

Go to hit. Eric o', Connell, Motorhead. Live for two.

[E]

We're gonna open for two. That's cool. A middle square. It's Brady Fight Club. We have Gag Ball Brady and Regular Brady.

[A]

Gag Ball Brady. And let me introduce you to me. Brady Brady.

[C]

Go on. What's up, Phoenix?

[A]

I'm gonna insert the Jag ball in my mouth. Hey, remember. Remember when we used to hang out in the UA in Ohio in John Havlicek's front yard? Yeah. Hondo. Hondo. And we'd have our ball out. Hey, steal our ball, Havlicek. Steal our ball. And he'd get out of my lawn, little girl. And you'd say, boy.

[C]

Not true.

[F]

Yeah.

[E]

You know, real Brady. If you shoot yourself in the face, he might go away.

[A]

Hey, Brady. Ooh. Yeah. You kill yourself like the end of Fight Club. You kill yourself. I might disappear.

[C]

Think it over.

[A]

I'm gonna stick the ball gag in my mouth now. Brady, don't do that. And you're gonna stuff our hand in our ass. Here we go.

[E]

That's disgusting. All right, moving on. I'm sicken. Now in the middle right square.

[A]

If he takes that gun now, I'll disappear.

[C]

Moving on.

[E]

In the middle right square. Shut up. Gag ball. Right from 24. It's key for Sutherland.

[C]

Gag, pretty scares me.

[F]

Gag pretty scares me.

[A]

What do you got? Tourette's.

[F]

Tell me what I need to know.

[A]

Tell me what I need to know.

[E]

Make a rap album or something.

[A]

President Palmer's been shot. President Palmer's been shot.

[E]

Bottom left square. Bottom left corner. It's Brady's secret square.

[C]

Any hints today, Brady? Yeah. Thank you for having me on. I'm 42 years old today. It's my birthday.

[F]

You.

[A]

You got what I need now.

[F]

I'm gonna get up and clap for that.

[A]

That could be the best one yet.

[E]

That was beautiful. He was into it.

[A]

Gorgeous.

[E]

Bottom middle square. It's a President George W. Bush.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

President George W. Bush. Here, I want to take a shot of Brady. Secret square.

[E]

Who do you think it is?

[A]

Well, Donny, Most from Happy Days.

[C]

Ralph Mouth. No.

[A]

Or. I don't know.

[E]

Chris Burke.

[C]

Jimmy Carter.

[E]

Jimmy Carter. Could be Chris Burke.

[A]

A little Burke. Fine. Mentally retarded. My Fine.

[C]

I got a gift for you.

[A]

Is it.

[C]

Is it Rocky? Close. Close enough.

[A]

I don't know. I'm having trouble.

[E]

And in the bottom right corner, we got a whole bunch of people. It's Monday's Mexican marchers in the.

[A]

Hola, guys.

[E]

What does your sign say?

[A]

Thank you, kopd, for giving away a great big bass boat so we can march peacefully without redneck shooting at us. No, no, that guy. To terrorist.

[E]

Sorry, we gotta get rid of that one.

[A]

Yeah, we got a few people we really can't find documentation on. And they're just kind of joining the march because they're brown. But it's all right. That's right.

[E]

All right, thanks for stopping by, guys.

[A]

Hey, thanks. Thanks for having us, man. Serious engine.

[E]

Let's meet our contestants.

[A]

All right. Oh, my Lord.

[E]

Our contestants are Chantel and Ryan, I believe.

[A]

Brian. Did you say genteel is on the show right now?

[C]

Chantel.

[A]

Oh, I thought porn star Genteel was on. Hi there, Chantel. Hello, Ryan. Brian.

[C]

Brian.

[A]

Don't yell at me.

[E]

Brian is very loud.

[A]

I missed it by one letter. It's not the first time, so someone's done it.

[E]

Quit yelling.

[A]

All right, Chantel, am I saying that right?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

Married?

[D]

No.

[E]

She's a fun side.

[A]

Dating?

[D]

Yes.

[A]

All right, well, go ahead.

[E]

Square Chantel.

[D]

Well, I'm gonna have to go with the Monday Mexican marchers.

[E]

All right, Corner

[F]

excited.

[E]

How you doing, guys?

[A]

Hey, do you whisper sl. That's what we do in our music. Oh, really? Do you know what other sounds we like?

[F]

Corazon.

[A]

The word corazon is in every song we sing. And this sound happens on the radio all the time. Leather beans.

[E]

You guys are more high tech than I thought.

[A]

Oh, man. You listen to one of our stations, you get a lot of leather beans.

[E]

That's good fun right there.

[A]

Okay, ask your way. We've got a lot of planning to do this week. By the way, Chantal, the guy you're dating perhaps doesn't run some sort of bulletproof vest shop, does he?

[D]

No.

[A]

I'm worried about rednecks. Oh, yeah, because they're going to be out there.

[E]

Well, we're trying to help you with that. Okay, dude, true or false? Most of the relaxing benefits you get from yoga you can also get from yodeling. Is that true or false?

[A]

I couldn't hear you. Wait, what? I was weed eating.

[E]

Most of the relaxing benefits you get from yoga you can also get from yodeling. You guys need to relax.

[A]

I can't hear him.

[E]

Stop weed eating.

[C]

I will say,

[A]

have you ever Yodel. I'm sorry. What? Are you asking me a question? I was busy.

[C]

I'll say false.

[A]

They got a guy trimming trees over here.

[C]

I'll say it's false.

[E]

He says false. You agree or disagree?

[D]

I disagree.

[E]

That's right. It is true. X gets a square.

[A]

Wow. Just for those of you playing in, Brady was actually using hand gestures while he trimmed that tree.

[E]

Brian, you're up. Pick a square.

[A]

Okay, I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go with the tattoo. Tattoo.

[E]

Top right corner. Mini genius.

[A]

Yeah, it's great to be here.

[C]

Brian perhaps has the greatest phone of all time.

[E]

Very loud.

[A]

The plane. The bang.

[E]

No, Brian, stop yelling at people.

[A]

Do you think it's funny to have a tattoo of me?

[F]

Yes.

[A]

So do I. Okay, just quick. I'm going.

[E]

You're gonna be on Homeburg. That'll be fun for you.

[A]

Sometimes I slip into the wrong guy.

[C]

True or false?

[E]

Hervey gas costs 12 cents a gallon in Venezuela. Is that true or false?

[A]

Why would I know that?

[E]

Well, you're from Venezuela.

[A]

Are you an idiot? He's the dumbest man on the planet.

[C]

Yes, I am French.

[E]

You're French?

[A]

You're a dumb man. Yes, I am.

[E]

Frank, you look like you're from Venezuela.

[F]

Boss.

[A]

Who is this guy?

[C]

Yes, you are Immediate. That is.

[A]

That is false. They don't have cars in Venezuela.

[C]

Yes.

[E]

He says false. You agree or disagree?

[D]

I'm going to disagree.

[E]

That's right. It is true. Cheapest in the world. You believe that? Oh. Get to Squirre. Chantel, you're up.

[A]

Pick a Square.

[D]

Norm McDonald.

[E]

All right, top left corner.

[A]

Hey, it's a crazy chick picking him here. There's some in line.

[E]

She is not.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What's going on over there? You get a little crack over there? Holy cow. Look at this pen I found here.

[E]

That's a nice pen.

[A]

Yeah, it's a big black marker there.

[E]

What are you gonna do with it? Right with it. That's a good idea.

[A]

Get some paper. What do you do with it?

[E]

Maybe you give it to Lemmy.

[A]

What are you gay?

[E]

No, I'm not gay gay. I was just asking a question. True or false, Norm?

[F]

True.

[E]

Hold on, hold on. Yeah, let me ask a question. Richard Pryor had his own kids show in the 80s. That true or false?

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's real true. It's called Light Yourselves On Fire With Crack Kids. It's a great program. I get plenty of kids that follow that. Yeah, I'm gonna go ahead and say that's true. Yeah.

[E]

All right.

[A]

Richard, Pryor there lighting himself up for the kids.

[E]

That's good times. He said true. You agree or disagree?

[D]

I disagree.

[E]

Ooh. Actually, it was true. It was called Friar's Place. O gets a square. All right, Brian, you can take Harry Carey for the win.

[A]

I'll take Harry Carey for the win. Holy cow. Hey there, Harry. What's going on there, Harry? Hey, Harry. Hey, find a penny. If you're lucky later, you'll be deep in Dutchy. Right, Harry? Holy cow. That's a good one.

[E]

You like norm, huh?

[A]

Norm MacDonald backwards is funny. Holy cow. Go ahead, Eric.

[E]

All right. True or false, Harry? The first baseball pitching machine was literally a cannon. Is that true or false?

[A]

Boy, oh, boy.

[E]

Can you imagine that going at Hector Villanueva? That'd be crazy.

[A]

Hector V. I'm gonna go ahead and have to say that that can't possibly be true. Baseballs are a lot smaller than cannonballs. It's kind of the difference between Holmberg's balls and your balls. His are huge and yours are like peas.

[E]

How do you know so much about balls?

[A]

Your balls wouldn't fit in when Holmberg puts his balls in.

[E]

That's great. Thanks. So you're saying false.

[A]

Harry, if you were on the cannonball,

[F]

would you want to ride it towards

[A]

a bat or towards the moon? I'd pick moon. It's a better trip. And the crash landed is probably a lot easier than all that cheese.

[E]

What the hell are you drinking?

[A]

Fouls.

[E]

He says false. You agree or disagree?

[D]

I agree.

[E]

Oh, actually, it was true. Believe it or not. X gets a square. It actually injured a bunch of players. That's true.

[A]

God, I am. I don't believe it.

[E]

Well, I don't care what you guys say.

[A]

Holy cow. Two in one pitch. Oh, no.

[E]

Chantelle, you're up.

[A]

Blew him up.

[D]

George Bush.

[E]

Bottom, middle, square. It's the president.

[A]

George shot nines.

[C]

Paying attention?

[E]

What?

[A]

Welcome to America.

[E]

My name's John.

[A]

Hola to all my new Spanish citizens. Yeah, give your Spanish and cinematography. So we'll get a Cinnabon. Send it for all the marchers on Monday. That's good. I think that's what they want. They want big legislation. Get Cinnabons in America.

[E]

That'll solve everything.

[A]

Cinnamon Ship

[E]

shooting for true or false, Georgie. According to the Bible. You like the Bible? Moses was the winner of the first lottery.

[A]

Hate to correct you on this, Eric.

[C]

It's pronounced Bibble.

[E]

Oh, I'm sorry.

[A]

Bibble Ishka. Bibble.

[E]

Boy Brady.

[A]

My head just turned around like that little chick in the Exorcist. Quit saying that word.

[C]

Sorry, Mr. President.

[A]

According to the the bibble, Moses was winner.

[E]

What? First lottery.

[F]

Yeah.

[C]

Mr. President, can I give that answer?

[A]

This is my friend Scooter. You have my permission to leak the answer.

[C]

That's true.

[A]

You say that's true, all right. Thereby leaving me totally ignor nominated from this answer in case crap hits fan.

[E]

Okay, he says true. You agree or disagree?

[D]

I agree.

[E]

Who actually was.

[A]

Oh, no. Nobody wants to wants to win.

[C]

Never believe Scooter Libby.

[E]

We are all over the place.

[A]

Okay, so where do I need to go from here?

[E]

Well, you can take Brady Fight Club, Kiefer Sutherland, Lemmy from Motorhead, or Brady Secret Square.

[A]

Oh, I'll take Lemmy for Motorhead.

[E]

All right, middle experts. Lemmy.

[A]

Laser beam.

[E]

What the hell are you doing?

[A]

Freaking Mexican bummer. Beans shot laser beams at me.

[E]

They're shooting at you?

[F]

You must have done something blowing up to me.

[C]

Left.

[A]

Any minute now there's gonna be a fire.

[E]

That would suck.

[D]

Are you gay?

[A]

You're gay. You know why you asked. Which means you want me to lube up and do all the work.

[C]

All right.

[A]

Homo.

[E]

Lemmy, true or false? Thomas Edison tried to sell the nation on the idea of refrigerators and pianos made of concrete.

[A]

Thomas Edison is a well known queer bait. Is he refrigerators made of concrete? Yeah. I wouldn't want to help Thomas Edison move.

[E]

Yeah, that would suck.

[A]

These are things I think about.

[E]

I guess so, huh? True or false? Damn it.

[A]

Hey, let me. It's true. No, McDonald says true.

[E]

So you're gonna.

[A]

I'm gonna go with him.

[C]

All right.

[E]

They say true. You agree or disagree?

[A]

I'm gonna agree two medicine wise.

[E]

All right, Chantel, we're all over the place. You could take Brady Fight Club, Kiefer Sutherland or Brady Secret Square.

[D]

Well, I would have to take Brady's for the block.

[E]

Brady Fight Club.

[A]

Paying attention.

[E]

Brady Fight Club in the mail. This is for the win.

[A]

Brady Sacred Squares for the win. There's to block.

[E]

I don't want to do that.

[A]

All right, this question wins.

[F]

Yeah.

[A]

Brady's Fight Club, whatever happens here, is the winner. Okay, so is it me and Brady

[E]

or you and Brady Gag. All right, you want to put your gag in?

[A]

Should I put the gag in now?

[E]

Probably.

[A]

All righty, I will. But as I do it, I would like to instruct myself to throw a couple fingers in me.

[C]

I'd like to say something before you do that. Can I say something before you do that?

[F]

Oh, baby, you.

[A]

You got what I need. I can give you.

[E]

He's an idiot.

[A]

They didn't pick the secret square. They picked the middle one.

[C]

Oh, Eric didn't want to hear it.

[E]

All right, guys, here's your question. True or false? The Hawaiian hang loose gesture was originally done by the last Dalai Lama. Is that true or false? No, put your. I didn't mean hang loose like that.

[C]

He said he likes to have spam and eggs.

[A]

If you kill yourself, I'll go away.

[C]

False.

[A]

True.

[E]

Or he says true.

[D]

False.

[E]

Guys are conflicted.

[C]

Then I say true.

[E]

All right, they go with true. You agree or disagree?

[A]

What was the question again?

[E]

Hang loose gesture was originated by the Dalai Lama. They say true.

[D]

I disagree.

[E]

That's right.

[B]

It was false.

[A]

You're going on fast.

[C]

You just won the glove. You just won the squire.

[A]

Sutherland shot in there. Nice job. Hold on a second, guys. Through all the electronic. I already put them. Oh, nice job, Eric. All the mishaps there. We had trouble brewing on this machine. Started to stink a little bit like. Like fire and hair burning. Smelled like Tim Turn's chick. Yeah, there's a good run over there making fun of that big ugly chick there. Don't forget to see Norman this weekend. He's freaking hilarious. It's out of control. Now, did you know that parents rank teaching financial literacy as the toughest life skill? That's where greenlight comes in. The debit card and money app made for families. With greenlight, you can send money to kids quickly, set up chores automate allowance, and track spending with real time notifications. Kids learn how to earn, save, and spend responsibly while parents have peace of mind knowing smart money habits are being built with guardrails in place. Try greenlight risk free [e-mail] TryGreenlight that's greenlight.com TryGreenlight.