02-27-26-BryanCallen-DesertRidgeImprov-InStudio-seg-01

Summary

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Holmberg’s Morning Sickness – In Studio with Bryan Callen

Podcast: 98KUPD Arizona – Holmberg’s Morning Sickness
Episode: Bryan Callen @ Desert Ridge Improv – In Studio (Seg 01)
Date: February 27, 2026

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Episode Overview

This lively episode features comedian and actor Bryan Callen joining John Holmberg and the crew in studio ahead of his shows at Desert Ridge Improv. The conversation ranges from the physical hazards of aging, testosterone therapy, and training like maniacs, to the odd paths of career success, stand-up comedy grind, conspiracies, Jewish cultural contributions, the dangers of phones, and the comfort of embracing life’s chaos. Fast, funny, and loaded with sharp banter, the episode bounces between comedy and real talk with a healthy helping of irreverence.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Physical Training, Aging, and Testosterone Therapy

• Both John and Bryan discuss the obsessive routines and injuries of "training for keeps" as middle-aged men.

  • Bryan jokes about working on wrestling moves at age 59, likening their persistence to mental instability.
  • Bryan admits to starting testosterone therapy and commiserates with John’s own T-cream misadventures.
  • [02:41] Bryan Callen: “I am now taking… some testosterone. It's been two weeks and I look in the mirror all the time… ain’t nothing not happening.”

• The banter escalates with comedic homoerotic undertones about application methods (e.g., "ball cream") and the lengths they’ll go to avoid aging.

• They hit on why they keep pushing themselves: an unspoken fear of getting fat and a need for suffering as a badge for not being “normal.”

2. Career Frustrations and Odd Success

• Bryan shares his entertainment industry grind—turning to directing, auditioning, and nearly quitting acting—only to be offered more work the moment he stopped caring.

  • [10:33] Bryan Callen: "I told a famous director friend of mine I said, I'm gonna quit acting... and then I get the Goldbergs on ABC… then I just didn’t stop working."
  • John relates with how he almost bailed from radio, but the best opportunity appeared right after.

• Both reflect on how “letting go” often ironically attracts new opportunities—a universal experience for creative people.

3. Promotion, Stand-Up, and Social Media Exhaustion

• Bryan laments how promoting comedy now falls on the performer, especially with social media’s demands, as opposed to the old radio days.
  • [11:26] Bryan Callen: "I find that exhausting… I don't want to be constantly saying, come see me…"
  • John likens it to "a whore… showing her parts before you buy."
  • They riff on breakups and desperation, noting how people (and offers) flock to you in moments of chaos or disengagement.

4. Training, Masculinity and the Old Warrior Trope

• The duo have fun visualizing themselves as grizzled, slightly mythic martial-arts sages, pruning bonsai trees on the outskirts of Phoenix, returning to battle only when summoned.

  • [06:47] Brian Callen: “We've got scars that tell a thousand stories that'll never be told. And the young Jedi comes in and says, I want to spar…”

• They make running jokes about avoiding politics because it would eat into valuable “training time.”

5. Conspiracies, Comedy, and Jewish Contributions

• The group launches into a whirlwind about conspiracy thinking—with Jewish influence as the recurring comedic theme.

  • Bryan drops a satirical list of Jewish inventions—birth control, the MRI, Christmas songs, fake breasts—to mock bigots' hypocrisy.
    • [16:28] Brian Callen: “If you don’t like the Jews… you’re just not allowed to use any of their inventions. Like the pill. No more raw dogging for you.”
    • [17:13] John Holmberg: “Your wife may not mean [be] Jewish, but her tits are.”
  • They keep the tone irreverent and lampoon antisemitic tropes by overloading the joke with real Jewish success stories in medicine, comedy, and tech.
  • There are riffs on Bond villains, the “invisible circle of Jews,” and the impossibility of controlling the world, with John wryly stating people think he’s Jewish for the perks.

• Bryan steers the discussion to media control and propaganda, conceding some of his younger naivety is gone, calling out Fox News and noting propaganda is nothing new.

6. Smartphones, Modern Addictions, and Cultural Drift

• The conversation pivots to the real culprit behind social decay: the smartphone.

  • [23:29] Brian Callen: “We are a nation of drug addicts. This dopamine thing, this phone is the most dangerous thing… It’s your phone, bro.”
  • John and Bryan joke that everyone focuses on the risks of vaccines or food, but ignores their phone’s pervasive behavioral changes.

• They reflect on how the phone has made us observers, not participants, with Bryan warning of the risks of distraction and disengagement.

7. Comedy as Healing and Coping with Tragedy

• Bryan spins stories about friends with cancer and the pressure for comedy to be “healing.”
  • [26:47] Brian Callen (deadpan): “I made him laugh so hard. Then he died. It didn’t work. He lasted two months. Sorry.”
  • The hosts confess to using humor to cope with illness among loved ones, relishing being able to make the “wrong” joke at the right moment if it helps a friend laugh.

8. Words of Wisdom: Embracing Chaos

• The episode closes on a genuinely philosophical note, as Bryan discusses staying close to the unmeasurable and the comfort in admitting “I’ve got nothing.”
  • [28:38] Brian Callen: “Try to stay close to something you can’t measure… Sometimes when you’re feeling like everything is chaos… it has always been ever thus.”
  • John shares wisdom from his father—life has always felt chaotic; nothing is new here.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• [02:26] Brian Callen (on training as you age): “I was working on my blast double yesterday at 59. I have problems.”
• [03:16] John Holmberg (on ball cream): “They said, size of a dime. I said, you haven't seen my ball. How about a silver dollar?”
• [16:29] Brian Callen: “How about the MRI machine? You like that? Give credit to Jewish scientist. Next time you got a little lump, you figure it out. You just feel around.”
• [20:45] Brian Callen (mocking moon conspiracies): “International Bank. You're going to need a loan for that.”
• [23:29] Brian Callen: “We are a nation of drug addicts. This dopamine thing, this phone is the most dangerous thing… It’s your phone, bro.”
• [26:47] Brian Callen (gallows humor): “I made him laugh so hard. Then he died. It didn't work.”
• [28:38] Brian Callen: “Try to stay close to something you can't measure… Sometimes you don't have an answer, and it's okay to shake your head, fall to your knees, and say a prayer.”
• [29:14] John Holmberg (quoting his father): “There is not one time in my life where it didn't feel like this.”

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Timestamps for Significant Segments

• [01:21] Bryan Callen introduced
• [02:22-03:20] Testosterone therapy & aging rituals
• [04:11-05:30] Bryan’s new projects & auditioning for a pilot
• [06:25-06:54] Old wise warrior archetypes & aging
• [10:33-11:18] Bryan’s story about quitting acting, end up busier
• [13:15-14:24] Conspiracy theories: Helen Keller and Jewish tropes
• [16:28] List of Jewish inventions (satirical)
• [21:11-22:44] News, propaganda, and why it’s always been “chaos”
• [23:29-24:13] The smartphone: the real “danger”
• [26:33-27:37] Comedy as healing amidst tragedy
• [28:38] Bryan’s closing words of wisdom on embracing chaos

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Final Thought

Bryan Callen’s segment on Holmberg’s Morning Sickness is equal parts absurdist banter, comedic therapy, and genuinely insightful reflection on aging, culture, and coping with life. With relentless pace and their signature self-awareness, Bryan and John deliver an hour of laughs and truth bombs—never skirting the line, always crossing it with style.

Catch Bryan Callen at Desert Ridge Improv all weekend. “Try to stay close to something you can’t measure.”

Transcript

[Brett Vesely]

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[John Holmberg]

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[Brett Vesely]

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[Byron]

Brett, the last thing you want to do is sell the gun to someone who can't legally own one. Tell him not to put himself at risk and come into M and P Guns, where he'll get a fair offer and he can rest easy knowing it's not getting into the wrong hands.

[Brett Vesely]

Okay, but what if he lives out of state?

[Byron]

Easy. Legalgunbuyer.com and he can do it all online. That simple.

[Brett Vesely]

There you have it. MMP Guns or legalgunbuyer.com the safe and legal way to sell your firearms.

[Brian Callan]

You thought that was funny? You were laughing like a hyena when he said it. What the hell is wrong with you?

[John Holmberg]

It's Metallica right there. And we're giving away tickets to go see him in the Sphere in October. The word for 8 o' clock is Sandman, but that doesn't matter right now because there is a man in the room that needs to be acknowledged immediately, Brett. His name is Brian Callan.

[Brian Callan]

Stop it.

[John Holmberg]

Brian is one of my favorite people in the world because he's made of mountain parts. Friday, Saturday, Sunday at desertridgeimprov.com Brianancallen.com is where you can go as well. And you get your tickets to go see one of the funniest people I've ever watched on it.

[Brian Callan]

Come on.

[John Holmberg]

That's a fact.

[Brian Callan]

Come on.

[Brett Vesely]

He said that before you came in.

[Brian Callan]

Still got it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

Still ready.

[John Holmberg]

Still go.

[Brian Callan]

I wish the. I wish your audience had heard our. Our deep conversation about your torn retina

[John Holmberg]

they couldn't handle it.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah, when you train, guys, when you train for keeps. You trained for keeps. Like John. Sometimes you tear your retina. Guess what, everybody? Worth it. Gotta lie face down. Six days with no breaks. Yeah, worth it.

[John Holmberg]

Still fighting. Gonna fight tomorrow.

[Brian Callan]

Because you never know when something's gonna pop off. And if you gots to pop a muscle in your eye, worth it.

[John Holmberg]

You're literally the only person I can talk to about this because you're the only one who trains like I train.

[Brian Callan]

Dude, we just know. I was working on my blast double yesterday at 59. I have problems. My blast.

[John Holmberg]

Why do we do it?

[Brian Callan]

Because I'm a mess.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's why. Because we're mentally not normal.

[Brian Callan]

So ridiculous.

[John Holmberg]

Why don't we want to get fat?

[Brian Callan]

I. Well, I don't know. I. I am now taking. I'm. I'm now taking some testosterone.

[John Holmberg]

You are on the T and I.

[Brian Callan]

It's. It's been two weeks and I look in the mirror all the time.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

Waiting for something to change. Ain't nothing not happening.

[John Holmberg]

No, you're not. It's not.

[Brian Callan]

But Madon could cut a diamond.

[John Holmberg]

I was on testost. Are you using the shots? I went with the ball cream. I threw some ball cream on.

[Brian Callan]

Such a man.

[John Holmberg]

I went all man on.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah, I got to rub that up. Up in there. Real.

[John Holmberg]

They said, size of a dime. I said, you haven't seen my ball.

[Brian Callan]

How about a silver dollar? I got some balls on.

[John Holmberg]

I threw a Kennedy silver on that and I'm rubbing all over it. And the only thing I got out of the testosterone, the way the ball cream worked was exactly like you said. I was waking up and it hurt like I was. I was coming in hot.

[Brian Callan]

Coming in hot.

[John Holmberg]

The erections were not.

[Brian Callan]

I need a friend like me who's super straight to get those. Those areas you can't reach. You know what I mean? Just to keep you honest, John, I'll be right over. Let me take these two fingers right here and I'm going to apply it in circular motion.

[John Holmberg]

There's nothing gay about it. Cuz you're not attracted to that kind of behavior.

[Brian Callan]

Get off for lip lock. Doesn't mean anything. I call it a lip lock. You kiss a guy. If you say lip lock, it's not gay.

[John Holmberg]

It's a wrestling move.

[Brian Callan]

It's a lock.

[John Holmberg]

It's like, you know, it's. Yeah, it's like a choke. It's like a guillotine lip lock. That's what I like, the guillotine lip.

[Brian Callan]

I love Talking Jiu Jitsu. It's my favorite subject.

[John Holmberg]

What are you doing with your time now, Brian?

[Brian Callan]

Buddy? I am doing advertisements. Is that right? Yep. I got a. I got a. Doing a marketing thing. I'm actually. I think I'm directing.

[John Holmberg]

Shut up.

[Brian Callan]

A pilot?

[John Holmberg]

Really?

[Brian Callan]

Yes. I might be starring in a pilot.

[John Holmberg]

You could do it all.

[Brian Callan]

I know.

[John Holmberg]

Are you going to sing and dance in this pilot? Stop.

[Brian Callan]

I think you could see what happens. Music just comes out.

[John Holmberg]

I think you could do it.

[Brian Callan]

Ah, come on.

[John Holmberg]

Triple threat, they call you.

[Brian Callan]

Yes. I mean, I got. I got a soft shoe.

[John Holmberg]

Well, sure.

[Brian Callan]

You know what I'm saying? It's called a soft shoe. America. When you can dance, what are you gonna direct? Wind.

[John Holmberg]

What is. Is it.

[Brian Callan]

It's a good. It's a Curtin Metzger, who's a great comic, really funny guy, wrote a really smart, funny TV show. And I auditioned for it and you know the lead. I think Kurt actually had me in mind for the lead.

[John Holmberg]

No kidding. What's it about?

[Brian Callan]

We'll see. It's about a. You know, you have these like sort of persuasion tanks. You know, these people that basically say if you want a narrative to go your way.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Brian Callan]

A political narrative. We're the ones that can help the push tanks. Yeah. Oh, and so it's a really well written.

[John Holmberg]

Really? Yeah, that's kind of.

[Brian Callan]

I would play the guy who's running.

[John Holmberg]

Want to hear something crazy about that in real life? Yeah, last summer, I guess, and I told the boys on the air, because it took me by surprise, I got a call from a guy from some research place and some PR move. One of those places.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And he's like, we want to talk to you about. Would you ever be interested in running for like a city council or state representation? I'm like, me? Have you met me?

[Brian Callan]

Yeah, moron.

[John Holmberg]

I'm an idiot.

[Brian Callan]

Not so.

[John Holmberg]

He's a hoax, Brian. That's true. And I. And I said, I have. I have not had any. He goes, you've got a recognizable name, an opinion that sways people, and a strong voice. And I'm like, that's it. I was like the dumbest guy in school. Like that doesn't count for anything right now. Like, do you listen to the show? Like, some of my ideas are bad, bad, bad ideas. And he's like, it doesn't matter.

[Brian Callan]

I train. I train at my age. I train by. By that I mean I box and get my retina.

[John Holmberg]

A 27 year old boy said, you can't fight anymore. And I said, Watch this, young man.

[Brian Callan]

That's all you got to hear. That's all you got to hear. You know, you think that wisdom would hit. You think that you'd be sort of the guy who's like, you know, you and I in the movies, we're the guy trimming pruning our bonsai trees in the outskirts. In the outskirts of Phoenix.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, my God, don't say that.

[Brian Callan]

You know what I mean. Well, we've got scars that tell a thousand stories that'll never be told. And the young Jedi comes in and says, I want to spar. And you say, a tree grows as fast as a tree grows, does it not, my son? And then you go back to pruning.

[John Holmberg]

Yes.

[Underdog Ad Voice]

Right.

[John Holmberg]

Yes.

[Brian Callan]

Maybe you have a pet monkey or just a scruffy dog raps a parrot right away. Either way, you live a. You live a simple life until they bring you back in.

[John Holmberg]

Let me summon my llama.

[Brian Callan]

I was asked to.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, no.

[Brian Callan]

To. I was told by some rather powerful people that I was looked at for a role in politics in Texas. It's scary. And that I polled well.

[John Holmberg]

You're quite wise. You have a name people recognize and you have a strong voice. That's all they care about.

[Brian Callan]

Well, yeah, but, you know, that's not for me.

[John Holmberg]

No, me neither. Because what I realized was. Oh, they're not after what I have to say.

[Brian Callan]

No, they just need me to be

[John Holmberg]

the face and the. Like a recognizable name.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah, well, politics works that way if you're a congressman for the most part. And there, there. There are a lot of congressmen that I happen to think are not this way. But, but there are a lot. Where you spend most of your time doing your fundraisers, bidding. You're calling people and you're gotta raise money, otherwise you're not gonna get reelected. There is a party line that you're gonna tow. It's just the way it is. And when you're a maverick like myself, I mean, the main reason I wouldn't go into politics, everybody is I don't have time for training. I take my training seriously.

[John Holmberg]

You can't train.

[Brian Callan]

Sure. You want me to be a congressman. Do I have five hours for my training?

[John Holmberg]

Politic and training, that's not a combination.

[Brian Callan]

Brian, why do you train? In case something pops off? Ask my brother in arms. John.

[John Holmberg]

I understand. You and I together. Dangerous. In case something popped up, we just go back to back.

[Brian Callan]

Oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And immediately end the nightmare.

[Brian Callan]

That's right.

[John Holmberg]

That's right.

[Brian Callan]

I'll wrestle, you box.

[John Holmberg]

It hurt me when you Said that we are in a movie. The Old Sage.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

With a really well groomed garden.

[Brian Callan]

Well, I'm pushing 60 bucks.

[John Holmberg]

That's a different 53.

[Brian Callan]

And guys don't come up to me after that. After tonight when you come to my show and say, brian, your skin's so tight, what peptide stack are you in? The answer is nothing. No, the answer is just. Just fresh air.

[John Holmberg]

Is that all?

[Brian Callan]

And a guy named Jesus. All right, wait, it's.

[John Holmberg]

Jesus is your skin care.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah, he's my skin care.

[John Holmberg]

Christ is my skin care.

[Brian Callan]

And get rid of these frown lines.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Christ is my skin care. Is that is the best bumper sticker I've ever.

[Brian Callan]

Christ is my skin.

[John Holmberg]

Christ, my skin care.

[Brian Callan]

Skin care.

[John Holmberg]

That's why I don't have wrinkles.

[Brian Callan]

That's right.

[John Holmberg]

I'm aging well.

[Brian Callan]

That's right.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. People say you're pushing 60. And people like, what does that mean? They don't think chronologically.

[Brian Callan]

The calluses on your knees, Is that from Muay Thai? Nah. Praying. Praying on a marble floor. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

You don't need the rug.

[Brian Callan]

Nah.

[John Holmberg]

Let's go straight to. Straight to God's earth. That's what I like. Brian calls it Desert Ridge Improv. Tonight, Tomorrow and Sunday. Desert ridgemprav.com I want to. I want to see this thing you're doing. I want to. I want to see your direction and star in it and then the whole deal.

[Brian Callan]

That sounds like it's gonna be good. I'm excited.

[John Holmberg]

Is it a thing? For sure it is. Yeah. And you're in it.

[Brian Callan]

And I'm doing a lot of. I'm doing a lot of stand up. A lot of things are going on. You know, when you kind of step off and you kind of say, I don't want to do this anymore, things start coming at you. It's a very strange thing when I. When I decided I literally was so frustrated with acting, I said, I'm gonna quit acting. I remember it. And I told a famous director friend of mine, I said, I'm gonna quit acting. And I was pissed at them for not giving me any parts, by the way, and. And they said, it's a good idea.

[Gameday Men's Health Ad Voice]

Really.

[Brian Callan]

And I went, oh, that's. Oh, that's nice.

[John Holmberg]

It's not the encouragement you were looking for.

[Brian Callan]

And then I. And then I get the Goldbergs on. On. On, you know, abc.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

And they just offered it to me and I played it like my dad. And then that kind of like. Then I just didn't stop working.

[John Holmberg]

No.

[Brian Callan]

After that, you had the Goldbergs.

[John Holmberg]

You had the Coach show.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah, but then I just did a bunch of other stuff. Movies. And it just started. I mean, I' worked, but. But when I really said, I'm quitting.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

I didn't stop working. I. I had. I had too much work. Isn't that crazy?

[John Holmberg]

That's a really weird thing, because when I did that with this job 26 years ago, like, I can't stand radio. I'm never gonna do this again.

[Brian Callan]

So good at it.

[John Holmberg]

Well, yeah, thanks, but I didn't know

[Brian Callan]

that at the time.

[John Holmberg]

And then this showed up out of nowhere.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

I'm like, yeah, I'll try one more thing. And here I am 25 years later.

[Brian Callan]

Right.

[John Holmberg]

Just.

[Brian Callan]

Well, that's how I feel about promoting stand updates. Nowadays. We don't have this radio. This is such a rare thing.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

And nowadays, you know, you. It's all up to you and your social media. I find that exhausting after. It's miserable. I don't want to be, like, constantly saying, come see me. And here's a funny way to say it. I don't want to do that.

[John Holmberg]

It's a whore.

[Brian Callan]

It. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Showing her parts before you buy.

[Brian Callan]

Exactly.

[John Holmberg]

And it's not right.

[Brian Callan]

And I do have a price, and I will do that.

[John Holmberg]

Yes, of course you will.

[Brian Callan]

You know what I mean?

[John Holmberg]

Well, it's always after a breakup, too. You start getting. You know what I've discovered, though? If you get. If you go through a breakup. This was years ago after a divorce. Divorce. You find that the only people that flood you are in the same mindset you're in. And now you're in a circle of dangerously strange, needy people.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Who are also dismissive of you.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And it's a really strange time. And I think the same thing happens with jobs. The second you're like, I'm not gonna do this anymore. It chases you.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. It's a very odd kind of.

[Brian Callan]

That law of attraction must be when you. When you try to force something, when you go for something.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

It's the same thing. Like everything. If you try to be funny, you're not gonna be.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah. You over pursue something and you're going to over.

[Brian Callan]

Right. I mean, it's the same thing with fighting. You attack me, I react.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

You know what I mean? I let you come to me, and

[John Holmberg]

for all of your reactions, I have a counter reaction. Of course, because we're fighters.

[Brian Callan]

It's a game of chess.

[John Holmberg]

We fight.

[Brian Callan]

It's called kinetic chess. With dire circumstances, if you fail, it's chess with blood in it.

[John Holmberg]

It's the only chess I like. If there's no chess of blood on the chessboard. What kind of game was that?

[Brian Callan]

I was gonna say the stakes gots to be real. What's up, civilian? You getting scared over there?

[John Holmberg]

Brett stays in the corner. Cause he knows that's where I put him.

[Brian Callan]

That's right.

[John Holmberg]

He doesn't want to sit there.

[Brian Callan]

That's right. He has to. I can sense you're producing estrogen as the men talk. And it turns me on.

[John Holmberg]

Breasts are magnificent. Yeah. Brian and I make. Make men have breasts.

[Brian Callan]

He just rips his shirt off and he's just got a giant tattoo of a crucifix that's actually bleeding. Oh, that guy's a real soldier of Christ. My head's bowed.

[John Holmberg]

I've also discovered that with age, I've become a conspiracy theorist. And I'm starting to turn. I think I'm going to just turn red and get fat like Alex Jones. Start saying crazy stuff all the time. I'm in it. We're not. We never went to the moon. That's new to me.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

The only one I used to lean on pretty heavy was Helen Keller's not real. That I never believed, even as a kid. I was like, this can't be right.

[Brian Callan]

A lot of marketing.

[John Holmberg]

She couldn't talk till she was 5. And by 11, she'd written a book.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah. A little much. Yeah. This stuff is.

[John Holmberg]

And nobody ever taught that hand language to anyone else.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah. That's a little bit like, you know, they're guys. They're kung fu guys in China. They can fly. All right. You know, it's the same. You know, if there's no know, fact checking, things get a little wild.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Are you. Are you at all that conspiratorial?

[Brian Callan]

I do think that people. I do think that. Well, I used to say nobody can really control the press.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

And now I'm not that naive. Now I think that you said it.

[John Holmberg]

You finally said it. No, you heard it. Brian Callan. Is that desert rich Improv John. The Jews.

[Brian Callan]

There's always. There's every conspiracy theory. Every conspiracy always has like this invisible circle of Jews, though holding strings.

[John Holmberg]

That's the best band name ever. Invisible circle of Jews. Morning sickness.

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[John Holmberg]

Holmberg's morning sickness.

[Brian Callan]

Well, and my thing about that is I have a whole thing about that. If you don't like the Jews, you're allowed to hate anybody you want. But we always need a group to go bat on, right? Whether it's white supremacists or those invading Muslims or the Jews. If you don't like the Jews. Okay, I'm not Jewish, but I'm just going to say if you don't like them, you're just not allowed to use any of their inventions.

[John Holmberg]

Oh God.

[Brian Callan]

Like the pill. All right, so no more raw dogging for you. All right.

[John Holmberg]

How about Jews invent the pill? Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

How about the MRI machine? You like that? Give credit to Jewish scientist. Next time you got a little lump, you figure it out. You just feel around. Yeah. I'll get a scalpel. You don't get.

[John Holmberg]

You know where's Allah.

[Brian Callan]

Now here's another one.

[John Holmberg]

Here's.

[Brian Callan]

Here's another one. The top 21 Christmas songs. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Silver Bells, Chestnuts Roasting, written by Juice, Mel Torme and Irving Berlin. Oh, a fake breast. Anybody like fake breasts?

[John Holmberg]

Invented by Jews.

[Brian Callan]

Invented by a Jewish doctor. That procedure. So your wife may not mean Jewish, but her tits are.

[John Holmberg]

Your breasts are Jewish.

[Brian Callan]

I didn't know.

[Brett Vesely]

There's all the famous Jewish inventions.

[Brian Callan]

Vaccine. You guys like walking.

[John Holmberg]

Jonas Salk was Jewish.

[Brian Callan]

It's unbelievable. Google pregnancy.

[John Holmberg]

Google was invented by Jews.

[Brian Callan]

The very thought.

[John Holmberg]

Well, there. That's.

[Brian Callan]

By the way, though, Google.

[John Holmberg]

If you're googling what Jews invented and they invented Google, they can say whatever.

[Brian Callan]

And then there's Hollywood. So you guys, you don't get to. You don't watch the movie. You got to read the book. So you know, you know how I

[John Holmberg]

know there is truth to the Jews controlling the media?

[Brian Callan]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And I like it. People think I'm Jewish because my last name's Homework. So I run with it just for.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

So I can get away with stuff.

[Brian Callan]

Power. You all kinds of German.

[John Holmberg]

I'm all kinds of Swedish and German. I'm Nordic.

[Brian Callan]

Eyes blue as him. Blue as the Aegean Sea.

[John Holmberg]

I know this because James Bond never fought the Israelis, even when we were out of enemies.

[Brian Callan]

Interesting. That's.

[John Holmberg]

Never once did they go, what about this group?

[Brian Callan]

Well, they. The jews make up 0.2% of the population.

[John Holmberg]

I know. It's impressive.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah. Yeah. You want to pick a fight with him? Enjoy that with your beeper.

[John Holmberg]

I mean, that's the greatest thing ever. Yeah, that was even guys in the, like, that was pretty sweet.

[Brian Callan]

I mean, unbelievable. Because you know what? If you're Jewish and you got 8 million people, your survival depends on it. Your existential survival. So you're gonna get ahead of the game a little bit. You know, I'm sorry that they're better fighters.

[John Holmberg]

You just see him pull down that thing in the room, that screen. What do we do that? What do we do? Right? We invent with the people.

[Brian Callan]

Genius.

[John Holmberg]

And it's the most brilliant thing ever. And to have that thing work, no other group would put the beeper charade together and had it perfect.

[Brian Callan]

Right?

[John Holmberg]

And then they just went, well, what a coincidence. They kind of took credit.

[Brian Callan]

But they're also great at comedy, dude. And like Mel Brooks, Sid Caesar go down the list. So what you're saying, Seinfeld, like, what do you.

[John Holmberg]

Let's circle back to your original thought.

[Gameday Men's Health Ad Voice]

It's good.

[John Holmberg]

They control everything.

[Brian Callan]

I'm not Saying they control everything you're not. It's good.

[John Holmberg]

So far, so good on that.

[Brian Callan]

So far, so good.

[John Holmberg]

Nice job. Juice. Says Brian Callan at 8:54. Yeah, I agree. Of Jewish comedians. Yeah. No, it's. Oh, that. You don't even want to go down the list of Jewish comedians. It'll just make sense.

[Brian Callan]

Mark's brothers, Woody Allen. I mean, it's unbelievable. Now Willie Allen's not well.

[John Holmberg]

Okay, there's gonna be an outline.

[Brian Callan]

Don Rickles. Come on. Tilda Radner. It just goes a Jackie Mason. I mean, Gene Wilder. Look at Larry David.

[John Holmberg]

Larry David.

[Brian Callan]

John Stewart. How do you not love John? Adam Sandler. You don't love Adam Sandler. Sasha Baron Cohen. Billy Crystal. What are you talking about?

[John Holmberg]

Amy Schumer. I mean, there's a few, a couple, but you're always going to have an outlet.

[Brian Callan]

Chelsea Handler's my friend, you know? Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, it's a list. It's a list.

[Brian Callan]

All right. Well, all right. So there we go.

[John Holmberg]

So you've come in here with your propaganda, and it's worked. Well done, friend.

[Brian Callan]

This is the star of David.

[John Holmberg]

He just busts out his stomach.

[Brian Callan]

I may not be Jewish, but I got that stone.

[John Holmberg]

I do love that, though, that the invisible circle of Jews surrounds all conspiracies.

[Brian Callan]

Always. If you just keep following it. I'm not going to say, but it's this. International bankers. Okay. Once I figured out a way to get you alone, even though you got bad credit, you can have a mortgage.

[John Holmberg]

I'm more in on the idea that we just got lied to a bunch. I don't think the Jews are behind the moon thing, but it just does. It just doesn't add up anymore. Especially the finances. Come on. The new moon people hit me over the head with it. He said, who's going to finance that? The International Bank.

[Brian Callan]

Come on. International Bank.

[John Holmberg]

You're going to need a loan for that.

[Brian Callan]

International Bank.

[John Holmberg]

The global people we do not speak of. But yes, so. But I just don't. The new people going to the moon keep saying, oh, we're finally gonna have men on the moon. I'm like, why are you doing this? And then. Then the conspiracy to me is that they're trying to make it a conspiracy. So we just bicker and argue and they do whatever they want.

[Brian Callan]

Yes. I wonder. My thing about all of that is I wonder. It seems difficult to have that much control over everything. But I do think that there seems to be since we. Since news organizations became beholden to their. Their. Their ratings.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah.

[Brian Callan]

And to a Party. I mean, Fox News is a mouthpiece for. Absolutely.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

I mean, somebody's talking about how Hannity had a CIA pin on, like, hey, bro, where do you get. Like, man, you're so independent, Sean, can you. Can you. Fair and balance, Brian?

[John Holmberg]

Fair and balance? Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

And I do think that it's. That our intelligence agency. I think it's outrageous. I do think that they drop stories, they use propaganda against the American people. That's. That seems to be the case. Why do you think there seems to be credible both sides? Yeah, I have a big problem with that.

[John Holmberg]

You're so smart and things. And I always like talking about this. But why. Why do you think that society thinks that's new?

[Brian Callan]

I.

[John Holmberg]

Propaganda was the game.

[Brian Callan]

I think because it's not that they think it's new. I think because if you have a population that has enough protein, carbohydrates and fat and they've got a phone that keeps them occupied and they have, you know, for the most part, life is safe and their kids get to go to school and have fun. It's all good. Yeah, it doesn't matter. You know, we're about to go to war with Iran. It doesn't touch most people. Finally, most people are not.

[John Holmberg]

Thank God you said that, too. Brian callan here. About 9am Dropped that bomb.

[Brian Callan]

Guys, I just got a text from. Well, not going to say, but his name rhymes with Arnold Ump. And he just said, we're going to war. Yeah, yeah. So, so, so, but. But again, it used to be that if you. If we were in a war, somebody you knew got drafted.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's true.

[Brian Callan]

If you're not paying a price, and if you're not paying price for being wrong, there's no skin in the game. We're just like war.

[John Holmberg]

We're just Stadler and Waldorf from the Muppets overseeing it all.

[Brian Callan]

That's very true, but that's very dangerous.

[John Holmberg]

Or it's wildly dangerous. And it's. What the phone's done to all of us has made us observers.

[Brian Callan]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

To whatever anybody's put in front of us. And we seem to want to have an opinion about it. And then they gave us forums for that Reddit and all that.

[Brian Callan]

And these things happen, you know, in a way, we are a nation of drug addicts. This dopamine thing, this phone is the most dangerous thing, is not the Jews. It's not Ilan Omar. It's none of this stuff. It's your phone, bro. It's your phone. It just is.

[John Holmberg]

I said it this morning.

[Brian Callan]

It's taking you away from your life. The porn, the online gaming, the gambling. Gambling is huge. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

All devices are handheld now. You just have to travel to them or fight for them. You don't have to anymore. Convenience trumps everything.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah. And that's right near your ball. Oh, it's the best cream.

[John Holmberg]

The tea is getting on my phone. My phone has a big dick now. My phone grew a big dick because

[Byron]

where I keep it.

[Brian Callan]

Why is my phone growing facial hair?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I said that this morning. I'm like, everybody wants to look into what Covid shots did to them, and nobody ever does any research on this little box in our hands.

[Brian Callan]

That's right.

[John Holmberg]

Kids in Argentina are evidently identifying as dogs.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah, it's pronounced Argentina, I think I.

[John Holmberg]

I tore my Argentina last week. It was terrible. But the. Yeah. So I'm like, oh, it's not just an American problem. It's wherever phones live.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah. It's crazy.

[John Holmberg]

Are you a phone junkie?

[Brian Callan]

I try, but you not be.

[John Holmberg]

Everybody says that. Yeah, but I'm.

[Brian Callan]

I, I, I try. I think I listen to. I try to spend a lot of time just thinking.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

Because if you're trying to write, you're. That's what you have to do. It's very difficult.

[John Holmberg]

Best way to do that. Tear your retina and stare at a couch cushion for six days. Yeah. It's brutal. Do a lot of thinking. You go to a dark place. Like, day two.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Have you tried to lay on your chest or stomach? And I probably can't because of all the muscle.

[Brian Callan]

No, I do that, but only when I bring my head. I try to touch my head to my feet. I call it the sea. I call it the chiquita banana. My wife talks like, what are you doing? I go, none of your beeswax.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

Look at my lower back.

[John Holmberg]

When you get to my level, it'll be called the O. Nah, you'll get there. Fight for it.

[Brian Callan]

Dude, you're amazing. Now she goes, what are you doing? I go, suffering with John.

[John Holmberg]

It's a thing.

[Brian Callan]

Brian, you're so empathetic.

[John Holmberg]

You did that for me. You empathetically recognized I was in trauma. Like, I need to lay down. I don't know why. You'll soon, it'll be like the. The thing at the Bellagio for the. The O. The show. You get the logo sent to you.

[Brian Callan]

John. Is John doing the O?

[John Holmberg]

He's accomplished the O.

[Brian Callan]

We said to keep your face down, not up like that.

[John Holmberg]

I just brought the feet to me. I made the O. Brian Callan's Desert Ridge Improv tonight and tomorrow and Sunday. You're doing one on Sunday as well.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And then that's the Lord's day.

[Brian Callan]

So it's gonna be pray hard, and then I'll do comedy.

[John Holmberg]

More of a revival level on Striker than it is a comedy show. People will feel it. Maybe they'll get it. You'll heal someone. I hope so. Bring somebody up the heel.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah. And this is weird. When I do comedy, I have seen people get out of their wheelchairs. I don't want to.

[John Holmberg]

They'll actually leave your show.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah. I don't want to take credit for it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brian Callan]

It's so bad. So bad.

[John Holmberg]

People in wheelchairs have walked out.

[Brian Callan]

They get. I don't care about this. I just found strength in my legs. This is so bad.

[John Holmberg]

He healed me. That's a plus. But I'm never going to that again. You can keep the chair. How many chairs? He's like a row of them.

[Brian Callan]

My buddy had pancreatic cancer, and my. My friend said, you know, laughter truly is. Is like a. It's like chemo. And I. I made him laugh so hard. Then he died. It didn't work. It didn't work. He lasted two months. Sorry.

[John Holmberg]

But he was laughing for 60.

[Brian Callan]

Solid little anecdote. It made him laugh, though. But he died anyway. So nothing worked. Healed nothing. He stopped eating meat. Didn't work. Got acupuncture. Didn't work.

[John Holmberg]

You know how I know comedy's on the way when the sentence starts with, my buddy had pancreatic cancer. And I'm just like, shh. Everybody quiet down. This is gonna be great. This is guaranteed. Start smiling early.

[Brian Callan]

Your friends. That's when you know your friends are sick. Yeah, my buddies. My buddy's dad had throat cancer, and the last thing I said to him is, I go, hey, man, listen, I'm sure he's going to be all right. Never think that if you hadn't been more successful as an actor, the stress wouldn't have caused throat cancer.

[John Holmberg]

Two days ago, my friend texts me. He goes, hey, you know, not to lay this on you, but my daughter just found out she's got breast cancer. I'm like, oh, it's terrible. Can I see him before they get cut off? I'm the worst person alive.

[Brian Callan]

You're terrible.

[John Holmberg]

I'm a terrible person. I'm like, he needed to laugh.

[Brian Callan]

Great joke, though.

[John Holmberg]

Didn't cure the cancer. She's still got. I'm like, tell her the joke.

[Brian Callan]

She's still got it.

[John Holmberg]

You Go. She's gonna lose all her hair and look like a baby. I'm like, just get the soft spot back. We'll make a reservoir. See, I'm not good with these things that you can't.

[Brian Callan]

There's nothing you can do but make your friend laugh. That's.

[John Holmberg]

And it did. And I helped him. He doesn't have cancer, but he just got a laugh. He does, which was fantastic. We brought you breakfast. Brian, that's amazing breakfast.

[Brian Callan]

Thank you.

[John Holmberg]

Brian Callan, Desert Ridge Improv Tonight, Tomorrow on Sunday, Brian, leave us with words of wisdom. Fix the planet.

[Brian Callan]

Fix the planet. Well, I always say, try to stay close to something you can't measure. And I think sometimes when you're feeling like everything is chaos, I would say it has always been ever thus. Sometimes you don't have an answer, and it's okay to shake your head, fall to your knees, and say a prayer.

[John Holmberg]

That is so true of all of it. Yep. If you don't know, there's no shame in saying, I got nothing.

[Brian Callan]

I got nothing.

[John Holmberg]

And that's.

My dad taught me that just in the last year here, really? Because I told him, like, doesn't it feel like everything's a little nuts? And he goes, I'm 78 years old. There is not one time in my life where it didn't feel like this.

[Brian Callan]

That's exactly right. Not one time in my life.

[John Holmberg]

He was born in 47.

[Brian Callan]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And came right off the heels of Hitler.

[Brian Callan]

Yep. Not him.

[John Holmberg]

He wasn't a supporter. I mean, he would have been, but he was born. His eyes were blue geographically, he wasn't

[Brian Callan]

in the right spot. Nazi blue. They were Kanye west blue.

[John Holmberg]

And then he had the 50s and 60s, and everything's always been chaotic.

[Brian Callan]

My dad was born in 1940. Same thing.

[John Holmberg]

It's nothing is new here.

[Brian Callan]

It was always ever thus.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Ever thus.

[Brian Callan]

I like.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, that's good stuff. Brian Callan, it's always a pleasure to see you.

[Brian Callan]

You're a good man.

[John Holmberg]

You're the best. Brian Callan, everybody. It's 98 KUPD, Arizona's most powerful, powerful rock radio station.

[Comedy Announcer]

All right, HMS Podcast, time again to let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week. Hit up the east side to check out Josh Blue performing at the Tempe Improv downtown at Stand Up Live. It's the comedy of Phil Hanley for you this week. And up north at Desert Ridge, you got Zach Rushing and Michael Loftus leading you into the weekend where you can see friend of the show, Brian Callan. On Friday and Saturday. For the complete lineups and for Tickets, go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com and tempeimprov.com College

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