02-27-26 - CONDENSED SHORT SHOW - FRIDAY - Holmbergs Morning Sickness 98 KUPD

Summary

Holmberg’s Morning Sickness – Condensed Short Show – Friday, Feb 27, 2026

Overview

This condensed episode of Holmberg’s Morning Sickness is a rapid-fire romp through news, pop culture, listener emails, and irreverent banter. Host John Holmberg, with sidekicks Brett Vesely and the absent Brady Bogen and Dick Toledo, tackle conspiracy theories, poke fun at holistic health, riff on the latest Clinton/Epstein headlines, and discuss everything from restless leg syndrome to odd celebrity scandals. Their trademark blend of edgy jokes, relentless sarcasm, and Arizona-centric chit-chat is on full display.

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Key Segments & Discussion Points

1. The Clintons, Epstein, & Bill’s Big Chance

[00:45–07:40]

• Holmberg riffs on the Epstein saga returning to the news, noting Hillary’s recent interview and public denials.
• Jokes fly about long-standing Clinton conspiracy theories about murder cover-ups, with mock advice that Bill should “finally rat Hillary out.”
• Memorable Quote:
  • Holmberg: “We all know the Clintons kill, right? That’s a real thing.” [00:48]
  • “If Bill goes into his hearing today and doesn’t rat that woman out... He can get her thrown in jail. Finally, he can get Hillary wrapped up. And I know he wants to talk.” [04:50]
• Satirical roleplay suggests Bill could seek witness protection in Scottsdale, AZ, under a fake name.

2. Listener Email: Restless Leg Syndrome, Marital Misadventures & Wellness Skepticism

[08:41–16:30]

• Read-aloud from “Scott”, a listener whose laughter at Holmberg’s jokes about restless leg syndrome aroused suspicion with his wife.
• Discussion morphs into trust issues, the hazards of defending yourself poorly (“I could never swing a chick that hot”), and how alternative medicine often substitutes for real diagnosis.
• Notable Quotes:
  • Brett Vesely: “Well, women evidently hear that as an insult, Holmberg. And now I’m in a huge fight.” [12:19]
  • Holmberg: "If you go to a hypnotist before you go to a real doctor, you deep down know what you've got ain't real." [14:05]
• Extended roast of the wellness industry: the team satirizes “wellness doctors,” acupuncture, and hypnotherapy.

3. Celebrity Scandal: Crispin Glover and the “Autistic British Model” Accusation

[16:27–23:07]

• The team is captivated by a headline – Crispin Glover (Back to the Future) accused by an autistic British model. They highlight his history of bizarre behavior.
• Quote:
  • Holmberg: "Anybody from Back to the Future place their name in the headline accused of assault with autistic British model... I'm going to read that every time." [16:34]
• Holmberg and Brett debate personal responsibility and the eccentricities of seeking Hollywood fame via Crispin Glover.

4. Holistic Remedies: Mocking the Healing Industry

[23:47–34:29]

• A comedic pitch for the “Vesley-Holmberg Holistic Healing Center for Women Only,” with jokes about combining Eastern mysticism, wheat germ pills, and... marital sexual favors as “treatments.”
• Lampoons the popularity of alternative medicine among women; riffs on the idea that medical “cures” could include “more blowjobs” for better health.
• Memorable Quotes:
  • Holmberg: “If you've got osis and vagina anywhere near each other, I'm out. Christ on a crutch run. That's gonna stink." [26:17]
  • "Your semen has healing properties... They’ll go away with the blowjobs." [28:40]
• The satire pokes fun at gullibility, faux spirituality, and gender dynamics in health care.

5. PSA Skewer: Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month

[34:29–39:02]

• Surprised to learn it’s Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month, Holmberg and Brett riff on what that means and the oddity of monthly observance windows for serious issues.
• They point out the inclusion of “emotional abuse,” wondering if all teen relationships aren’t vaguely emotionally abusive by default.
• Quote:
  • Holmberg: “Every teen is an emotional abuse on a date if it doesn’t go their way.” [34:46]
• OJ Simpson is mock-cast as a possible spokesperson (“Just cut it off” – a reference to his infamous trial).

6. Bonus: Reiki Healing & Alternative Medicine

[40:27–43:21]

• Blind listener Sean writes in about his mother’s use of a Reiki healer; the crew derides paying for “energy healing” where practitioners don’t actually touch you.
• Brett reads a Wikipedia-style definition; Holmberg notes that the “only magic is money sucked out of your account.”
• Riffs connect to broader themes of people grasping for solutions and the (mostly female) clientele for these services.
• Quote:
  • Holmberg: "Whatever works for you, go do it. But you're still a dipshit for doing it." [42:31]

7. Conspiracy Corner: The Jews, The Moon Landing, and the Media

[43:22–47:37]

• John admits he’s getting more conspiratorial with age (Helen Keller, moon landing). The “invisible circle of Jews” is playfully referenced as the root of many conspiracy theories.
• Discussion on the contributions of Jews to medicine, science and comedy (“You don’t like the Jews—okay, but you’re not allowed to use any of their inventions!”).
• Quote:
  • Holmberg: “I may not be Jewish, but I got that star... The invisible circle of Jews surrounds all conspiracies.” [45:52]

8. “Squares” Game: Celebrity Impressions & Absurd Banter

[50:28–56:31]

• Classic closing segment features rapid-fire impersonations (Bill Clinton, Tracy Morgan, Trump), with each lampooned for their latest “news.”
• Bill Clinton riffs return with more Monica Lewinsky/dress/cigar jokes, plus the idea his Witness Relocation alias might be “Yizzy Yiskowitz.”
• Trump parody continues the “longest ever” bravado and pokes at political narratives.
• The team’s chemistry closes the show with loose, improv-style bits loaded with callbacks.

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Notable Quotes & Timestamps

• Clinton Conspiracy:
  • “We all know the Clintons kill, right? That’s a real thing.”
    – Holmberg [00:48]
• Wellness Skepticism:
  • “If you'll just go to the hospital. The hospital just wants to pump you full of drugs. You got to fix it. I mean, what are we doing here?”
    – Holmberg [14:05]
• Holistic center concept:
  • “The key to your problems is not the wheat germ pills that we'll be giving, which, those are very helpful. But I do think that if you did, you know, dance on the old bone zone, that would be a good thing for you.”
    – Holmberg [28:40]
• Teen Violence:
  • “Every teen is an emotional abuse on a date if it doesn’t go their way.”
    – Holmberg [34:46]
• Reiki Healing:
  • “I'll tell you this, it does work because their hands magically suck money right out of the account. It's unreal.”
    – Holmberg [42:00]
• Conspiracy/Comedy:
  • “If you don't like the Jews, you're just not allowed to use any of their inventions.”
    – Holmberg [45:13]

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Overall Tone and Takeaways

The dialog is trademark Holmberg’s Morning Sickness: irreverent, unapologetically off-color, heavy on satire, with rapid changes in topic and a through-line of making fun of modern life’s absurdities.
The hosts take aim at alternative medicine, political figures, celebrities, and social issues with no sacred cows. Their banter makes fun of conspiracies but also highlights how easy it is to fall for nonsense, whether wellness scams or political rumors.

Listeners who enjoy edgy, unfiltered humor and a breakneck podcast pace will find this short episode especially dense with laughs, callbacks, and sharp barbs. The spirit is “nothing is off-limits,” always centered on keeping the energy high and the self-awareness higher.

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Recommended for: Fans of classic morning radio, dense topical humor, and those who can appreciate a total lack of political correctness — especially with a strong Arizona flavor!

Transcript

[John Holmberg]

You're listening to the HMS podcast brought to you by MMP Guns.com, your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories. Hey, it's Brett Vesely and I'm here with Byron from MMP Guns. Look, Byron, I have a friend wanting to sell some guns he inherited. What's the best way for him to do that? Brett, the last thing you want to do is sell the gun to someone who can't legally own one. Tell him not to put himself at risk and come into M and P Guns where he'll get a fair offer and he can rest easy knowing it's not getting into the wrong hands. Okay, but what if he lives out of state? Easy. Legalgunbuyer.com and he can do it online. It really that simple. There you have it. MMP Guns or legalgunbuyer.com the safe and legal way to sell your firearms. It's John Holberg here, shailing away for new AC unit dot com. I've been telling you about the amazing new AC unit dot com for about three years. New AC unit dot com put the power back in your hands. Three easy steps online gets you your unit ordered, inspected and installed by the best in the business. And I'm super excited to tell you that new aceunit.com now offers many splits. If you work in a garage, a casita, or even have like a man cave somewhere back in that garage, mini splits can be a must. New ac unit.com has it now and you can install it. They'll even include the electrical. Save thousands, save time. Buy online new ac unit.com. you thought that was funny? You were laughing like a hyena when he said it. What the hell is wrong with you? Oh, by the way, before we get to the emails, I've been kind of paying attention to the whole Epstein thing. It's going on again. And they interviewed Hillary yesterday. Yeah. If there's ever been a time. And I wish I was in his camp, like, pulling him aside because Hillary did her thing yesterday and we found out, I think yesterday, that Hillary's the one that's been doing all the killing. We all know the Clintons kill, right? That's a. That's a real thing. Democrat, Republican. We all kind of. You can be a fan of them. And I think they were, you know, reasonable, good killers. Well, no, through the 90s, that was a pretty fun time. And then the blowjob happened. Everyone nuts, but things happen. Yeah, things happen. And what guy didn't kind of side with Bill no matter what Political side of the aisle you were on. You're looking. I'm going. This poor bastard here. This is rough. Like, nobody would wish he was dumb to do it, but nobody would wish what happened to him as a man. Look at them two choices. Well, I mean, you know, again, even Monica's the best choice. She looks pretty good now. Have you seen. Yeah, I know, but not then. No, no, but he had a thing he liked. He's from Arkansas. He likes a little meat on the bone. You know what I mean? And he got it. But he. Anyway. And he's thinking to himself, nobody's gonna believe me if this fat girl blows me. I'll just say she didn't. She had to wipe her hooves off before she walked into the oval office.

[Brett Vesely]

Never.

[John Holmberg]

I mean, we're rehashing this, but he never suspected she'd keep the dress. He thought he could coat her. She'd just be happy to be candy coated by the world's powerful man. And now go take that to the bank. All right? Get that dressed to a dry cleaner. And she left and didn't. He thought he had deniability. You think I'd that. You think that fat bitch is something I can. I'd pull so much ass if I needed to. You think that one. And then she's like, I've got a dress with this junk on. He's like, I'm wearing doomsday. This is travel. So a bunch of people got killed by the Clintons. We all know that. Things happen. People get killed. Yeah, Brett, I'm with you on this. Probably some of them deserved it, I'm sure. I don't want to get too crazy political left or right. Clinton's probably knocked off a few people who asking too many questions about too many things. They were a little sloppy about it, you know, they killed too many people. Your people know that. You can't just go on some sort of a spree. And these. These folks were knocking people down like mad. And if you think. You think about it, in the 90s, the Clintons killed so many people that while they were in office, Hollywood, who loves them, made a movie about how they killed everybody starring John Travolta called Primary Colors. This was no joke that they're like, we know he's murdering folks like mad, and it wasn't Clinton. But you go. Go look up Primary colors and you'll be like, whoa, everybody looks and acts just like the people that are currently our president and stuff. And Travolta's like, I'm from Arkansas. And I am your president. Like what? And he had affairs and he did all this stuff on the side. They just went down that. And then he killed a bunch of people. Even in the 90s, we knew we'd killed. But anyway, now I know it looks like him, too. Oh, he put the gray hair on Clinton. Bill isn't the murderer. Hillary is. And here's how I know that. If Bill goes into his hearing today and doesn't rat that woman out for everything that's gone wrong in this, like he's got an opportunity. She went out yesterday after she had the Epstein. I don't even know why they're asking me these questions. I've never met Jeffrey Epstein. I knew Ghislaine and a little bit, I guess, but I mean, this is just a farce. We know Bill was with Jeffrey, so they're gonna hit him with pictures and stuff, and all he has to do is let's get to the rat killing here. Yes, I knew that, man. My wife has killed over 88 people. He can get her thrown in jail. Finally, he can get Hillary wrapped up. And I know he wants to talk

[Brett Vesely]

about, you know, getting 10 mil or 10 more years off your life if you.

[John Holmberg]

If he could. Right now, I am scared for my life. Every day I go to bed wondering is the day. The day that this Jeffrey Dahmer bitch is going to end me? Guys, I don't care what you know about Jeffrey Epstein. I was going to that island to hide. She is horrifying, by the way. She used to bring kids to the island. Like I would sell her out with lie after lie. He's good at it. Lie after lie after lie to get her thrown in jail. And if he doesn't go back and watch Bill Clinton's speeches, and I bet you he's doing Morse code with his eyes and stuff, trying to tell us, please help me, she's a murderer. I would throw her in jail in a heartbeat. First president in history that's going to go on the Witness Protection program. Exactly. Hi, I'm your neighbor, Bill Johnson. Hey, Bill Johnson. Yeah, that's right. No, don't ask. You look familiar. I have people tell me that whole time. I don't get it. Him and Sammy the Bull are going to be roommates. I am living.

[Brett Vesely]

Tell him to say everything.

[John Holmberg]

Sammy the Bull and I are friends. I'm glad you got rid of that boy there, Bill. I know. I had to throw her in jail. It's been years. I have not had the opportunity to turn her in. I've been afraid, but this is it. And he's going in after she came out all cocky like, you know, she had her her big old peacock feathers on. This is a joke and everything. She went on and like, oh, and now Bill's like, I can go in there tomorrow and ruin this. If I was Bill Clinton, that's what I would do today. I go right in there and go, I don't care what you guys know. Maybe I did bang a 16 year old. I don't know. I don't even know. I probably. Let me just start there. Yeah, maybe. But my wife has killed over 80 people. I have nothing to do with it. And I can give you details and he just spills the beans. But what I need from you is immunity and a new identity. I would love that. Bill Clinton in the Witness Relocation My name is Trevor Jones and I need to move somewhere hot because I'm getting old, my arthritis is kicking in and I need to score some sweet young phone where should I go? Scottsdale, Arizona. There's a good chance that a man with Chinaman black dyed hair is going to be standing in your front yard in a new house next to you over in Scottsdale. This is nice, isn't it? Where are you from? Arc of Kansas. You look a lot like. No, the people say that all the time. I just. I used to do a doppelganger thing years ago in bars and stuff around ark. I mean Kansas. Morning sickness medicate.

[Brett Vesely]

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[John Holmberg]

All right, HMS Podcast time again to let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week. Hit up the east side to check out Josh Blue performing at the Tempe Improv downtown at Stand Up Live. It's the comedy of Phil Hanley for you this week. And up north of Desert Ridge, you got Zach Rushing and Michael Loftus leading you into the weekend where you can see the show Brian Callan on Friday and Saturday for the complete lineups and for tickets, go to standuplive.com desert rich improv.com and tempe improv.com Holmberg's Morning Sickness anyway, so with one eye I will read this now and it says Holmberg. Well, I'm going to need you to apologize. This restless leg syndrome talk all week has has been a problem. It's out of line. So here we go again. Right? Here's what I'm thinking. So here's why my wife came into the garage yesterday. I guess that would mean two days ago because I was listening to the podcast. Oh no, he emailed this earlier this morning. Says, by the way, the podcast is so much better than the old radio show. That is true. Since we've switched to a podcast only situation here. It just flies through. You know, it's really good being on the podcast and since the owners of the place have taken their eye off the ball and what we are and they don't know if we're a radio station or a podcast or an app or a We just went podcasting. It's been going really well. I get to fast forward through the commercials. There's no more Smashing Pumpkins or mews to wait through to hear Brett laughing at something racist. Anyway, she came out to the garage to see why I was sitting in the car so long and what the hell was going on. And she points to me and shrugs her shoulders and I just said Holmberg. Which was met with her customary eye roll. But while you destroyed Rachel on the air and I cried dying laughing, my wife, the reason why it was funny to me, makes the claim that she also has restless leg syndrome. So it hit home with me that I've spent close to $15,000 over the last couple years for her to get acupuncture, hypnotherapy, wellness pills from some Middle Eastern cat that comes to the house Anyway, she runs to the car and she wants to share a laugh, and I'm like, ugh. So I shut the radio off real fast and I said, you wouldn't get it. And I get out of the car. Well, she's immediately pissed off. What was that? And I told her Holmberg and Brett were making jokes about an Asian black pimp because she hates race related comedy. For some reason, she didn't buy my story. And I was acting a little sus, to be honest. Oh, I love that people say that. Now, suspect. Remember how long in the olden days when you tried to say suspect and you just ran out of gas like you were running up a flight of stairs? I'm like, if only that word were four letters shorter.

[Brett Vesely]

You know, we're missing the guy that loves that.

[John Holmberg]

Who's that? Brady? Well, because he can barely make it. Anyway, I did ex sus too. So about an hour later, I had a nap. And while I napped, she went through my phone. Now, there's a girl at work named Wendy, and my wife thinks Wendy's into me. I'm 35, I got two kids, and I'm fat as Rachel. Wendy is 23, absolutely gorgeous, and no way she's in my league or interested in me. Nice kill, kid. My last two phone calls in my phone were to Wendy. Work related. But one was right before I pulled into the garage and then turned the podcast back on. Wife saw that, put a timeline together that's not real, but close. And thinks now that I'm having the time of my life with Wendy and I'm hiding the calls. Well, here's what I learned. Never use this defense when your wife thinks you're messing around. My exact words were, wendy, are you insane? I could never swing a chick that hot.

[Brett Vesely]

Oops.

[John Holmberg]

Nice.

[Brett Vesely]

It's reflective, though.

[John Holmberg]

Well, women evidently hear that as an insult, Holmberg. And now I'm in a huge fight. I told her the truth about what I was listening to and played it for. Now it's even worse because I was laughing so hard at the restless leg syndrome and she thinks I don't believe in her witchcraft and made up disease, which I don't, but I do support that. She thinks she has it to the tune of 15 grand. So for me, Scott, a loyal fan, and I know demographics, I'm a dream listener. I make over 200 grand a year and I'm 35. Boy, he is. He's a demo. If we still paid attention to demos back in the old FM radio days, says, could you please tell My wife Heather. That you're sorry and are the reason I was laughing at. What's wrong with her. You got to do something about this, man. And Brady doesn't help when you sit there quietly and make things even worse. Well, today's a bad day to say that. Brady's not here. Thanks for the laugh. And potential divorce. Hey, Brett, who's your favorite Winnie the Pooh character? Love you guys. Scott. All right, Scott, that's the. You're a dick. You're Scott. You're a dick. Clearly. Are you apologizing for what, exactly? Absolutely not. His wife has a fake disease. It's not my fault. You sure stand. Yeah, Brett gets it. He had a wife. But your wife had real disease. Your ex wife had real things, okay? She would go to hospitals.

[Brett Vesely]

Here's how I know she would be diagnosed. Right.

[John Holmberg]

Let me say this. Sure. Oh, I'm gonna make some people upset about this. Here's how I know. Whatever you got, you know ain't exactly real. You won't go to a real doctor. Am I wrong? You can back me up on this. You go to, like, some dude in a strip mall who has the word wellness on his door. Yep.

[Brett Vesely]

Wellness, Hol.

[John Holmberg]

Ah, let's not go crazy. Just wellness. No, no, no. I'm just going. Let's not start saying the words we're all thinking. But if you'll just go to the hospital. The hospital just wants to pump you full of drugs. You got to fix it. I mean, what are we doing here? I need to go to a retreat. What? You can't sweat out restless leg syndrome. Rachel's been trying that for years. Why she put on all that weight. Let me call my life coach. If you go to a hypnotist before you go to a real doctor, you deep down know what you've got ain't real. You just don't want to be embarrassed by a real medical professional who might have a Harvard thing on his wall. Like my buddy Dr. Brink. He's the real deal, right? He's like a. He's a. You go to Dr. Brink and you're like, I think my liver's restless and it kicks me at night. He'd just start laughing and go, you need this number. And it would be pretty top diptubees. And he lives over in Scottsdale, and he's got a wellness facility. Go to a real doctor and then a wellness thing. I'm all on your team, but until you, like, admit, like, I need to go to a doctor with degrees, not a dude who got something online.

[Brett Vesely]

He's got a certificate. It hangs on his wall.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, right, right. The medical community is all a scam. There's some of that. Some of that's true. But, you know, I'll take my chances. Take my chances. You know what I didn't do when I blew up a week and a half ago? Go to a wellness doctor. And he'd tell me, go to Sedona and sweat it out. Maybe you wouldn't have had to stay on your face for six days.

[Brett Vesely]

Maybe not Helped you.

[John Holmberg]

No, no. Could be blind, too, right now. I wouldn't have sight in my right eye. It was an immediate need, I don't think. They were pumping me full of drugs and lies. That dude's like, we want to help you.

[Brett Vesely]

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[John Holmberg]

Holmer here from the morning sickness. Time to talk about TVs Doug Hopkins of my home group and doughkins.com another satisfied listener called TVs Doug Hopkins and sold her home for cash. She reached out. Her name's Ashley, and Doug wants to make it simple. Buy your house for cash as is. You don't have to do anything. Just like Ashley, no strings attached. If he moves that price, you get $5,000. Want to sell that place? Start the process [e-mail] or grab the phone and sing Hopkins, 1-800-channel now Holmberg's Morning Sickness. We'll get to the Crispin Glover thing in a second, which I find fantastic, by the way. If you ever want a headline to grab me in, an emailer just said the same thing. Anybody from Back to the Future place their name in the headline accused of assault with autistic British model. I'm reading that. I'm gonna read that every time. I don't even Know, like, the word autistic model. I'm like, okay. And I don't know how autistic she is, but pretty autistic.

[Brett Vesely]

Wow.

[John Holmberg]

That Marty McFly has been talking to her for 11 years, promising her jobs in Hollywood, which, by the way, he hasn't gotten. And she finally said that when he. You're talking to Crispin Glover. Marty McFly. Get your goddamn. That weirdo from. Marty McFly was a strange dude. Larry saw him in the airport once and said, hey, man, big fan. Love to the Back to the Future stuff. The one movie he was in about killing people on the river's edge or whatever. Larry tells and gives him a rundown of what he loves, and he looks Larry dead in the eyes and he goes, my next film is about rats. Then Larry's like, oh, God, he's gonna kill me. Like, what'd you expect? You were talking to Crispin Glover. He was on Letterman. He tried to kick him in the head. I'm strong. I forgot about that. I'm a strong man. Why would you say I'm not? He tries to kick him in the head, and Letterman just left. So this lady for 11 years has been emailing back and forth with the promise that Crispin Glover would get her some jobs. I mean, that's pretty heavily. That's your high on the spectrum. If you got Crispin Glover as your lead into Hollywood, and he can't get a gig. Last job he had was in that Charlie's Angels, if I remember right. And he was that bad guy who didn't talk. Right. It was the Drew Barrymore Charlie's Angels, not the lady one that everybody didn't see. And then. So then she said at one point she would fly out here after tons of messages saying, I've got a job for you if you're interested. And then she'd fly out and he'd, like, dress her up as a Nazi and stuff. Yeah. He'd show her Nazi memorabilia, and she'd get like, this is not an autistic girl. Like, on the spectrum was with Crispin. Glove puts helmet on. And she did it. And she's like, he's showing me all sorts of Nazi memorabilia. And that's what she's claiming, that he abused her and took advantage of her.

[Brett Vesely]

And it's got to be the Crispin Glover. Right? There's not some dude out. There's not two of those, like, doppelgangering.

[John Holmberg]

No, he's not. Crispin has not come out with one guy in the world that his defense is not it wasn't me. Like, when you watch Back to the Future now, knowing about Crispin Glover a little bit, you're like Marty McFly's dad. Like, his dad was weird.

[Brett Vesely]

I thought it at the time. I thought he was weird at the

[John Holmberg]

time, of course, because he kind of was. Yeah. So now he wants his thing back. But anyway, he's defending himself wildly. They're calling her Jane Doe, but she said that he. She'd fly out here and he'd just go into these weird, violent rants. He was a complete control freak. Like, you were dancing. You were dancing with Crispin Glover. I'm sorry. I can't feel sorry for her. She says that she's. She seemed like he was persistent. He emailed like crazy saying, I'm going to get you a job. I'm going to get you a job. Her desire. They met in person in Dresden, Germany. And that's where he took her to the Nazi place and dressed her up. Because it went in Rome. Right. Or Dresden. She said she stayed in contact with him despite his weird behavior because he would dangle opportunities in front of her in Hollywood. And in 2024, she says he promised that she could live in his Silver Lake home and work as his assistant. So she was looking for things for herself. She was gold digging. She was digging on Crispin Glover. He manipulated her to stop paying rent for an apartment in Europe and said to sell her belongings before she could move in with him. And then when she got to la, so she sold all her stuff. She's like the flag lady at the Diamondbacks game. She gave. But Crispin Glover turned out to be real. She had no family or friends in LA and was essentially reliant on Crispin. By the way, if you know anybody named Crispin and you are totally reliant on them, that's your fault.

[Brett Vesely]

Larry's friend is Christian.

[John Holmberg]

Christian, yeah. Okay. Not Crispin. And he would track her whereabouts and control where she was allowed to go. She claims in March of 2024, she told him she was leaving the house to go to a mosque. And Crispin told her that she'd be locked out if she left. I hate Muslims. But she says she didn't believe him and left. And then he did. He locked her out and changed the locks and stuff. Told her to go find somewhere else to live. Well, that's. He'd warned you. I mean, I guess that's it, but. Yeah. Get your goddamn hands off of her. You know, it's like you're with Crispin Glover. It's it's like, it's right being with Charlie Sheen. You know, going in, Charlie Sheen could get you a job, right? I'd look at that and go, yeah, you're gonna tolerate some Sheen like behavior, but that dude had some connections. He could probably still get you a gig. Crispin Glover is not the guy. Since 2015. Again, it's a holistic. It's been 11 years. I've got another opportunity for you if you want to sell your stuff. No thanks. Thanks though, Crispin. It's like me with Lovitz. I first met Lovitz, I'm like, oh my God, I love Jon Lovitz. Like he's. And we're friends now. And then when he calls now, I'm like, Ah, Lovett. Mr. Lovitz ain't getting me a gig. We're just buddies. He makes me laugh. We have lunch, but it's like, oh no. But if he was like, I want you to sell your stuff and move to Los Angeles and live with me and be my assistant. I'll get you jobs. And then 11 years later, I'm like, hey, love it. I still don't have a gig. He's a jealous. I've had four. Doesn't seem to be working my way. Anyway, Toledo as a producer, we need you to get Crispin Glover. I wanna hear his his side of it. And then when I dressed her as a Nazi, she vehemently opposed it. Yeah, most people would there. Chris, in Germany, that's illegal, right? I didn't know that. Morning sickness medicate KU PD College basketball

[Brett Vesely]

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[John Holmberg]

It's John Holmberg here. Time to talk about TVs Doug Hopkins of my home group and doughns.com I got an email from someone who told me that he wants to sell his house because he has to move for work, Got a new job, and it starts in February, so he needs to vacate quickly. And in this particular case, this guy can leave Arizona with cash from his home and be free and clear to start anew in his next location. That is peace of mind. No matter what the situation, Doug makes selling your house so easy, it's hard to imagine going anywhere else. And he backs it up with a $5,000 guar. Start the process at Doug Hopkins.com and grab that phone and sing. Morning sickness. I got another thing about holistic healing. I think the holistic healing. Here's what we need. We need. You know what we need. Brett. And Brady's not here. He'd be against this. A good day to do this is the Vesley Holmberg holistic healing center for women only. Oh, man. Right. So they come in there and start telling us about their stuff, and we give them, like, a thorough holistic exam, basically. That means we don't know what we're doing either. We're just gonna touch your knees. We just check the credit. Yeah. First off. Yeah. You make sure that you get their credit Karma app. And you're like, I just need to look at this. You start talking to them about something middle. Like in India, they have a lot of pictures of Vishnu in the walls. There's an elephant in the lobby. It's got jewels on it. Bowl music playing. Yeah. Bowls playing in the background. They come in, they're sucked in. And then right after that, you give them the full exam and just say, all right, I'm going to give you some pills and just go over to, like, whole foods and buy those wheat germ pills that. Oh, yeah. And they put a label on it that says it's going to cure whatever they've got. And then. And then tell them, here's the other thing. And this is proven by science and doctors don't want to tell you this, that our bodies are equipped with natural healing equipment. And your body gets adapted, like, through sex and stuff. Your body adapts to somebody else's germs and chemicals. Like, there's a lot of times where when you first do it with someone, you exchange all of their. You know, I guess I said it would just be their germs and things like that or their DNA and things like that gets into the body. And some girls have a reaction. I had a friend of mine, and it wasn't Brady sent a girl to the hospital because they had sex. And the Chemicals in him and the chemicals in her didn't match up. And they had to get used to each other before her body rejuvenated everything, whatever's going on there. And she got, like, some sort of weird. Vaginosis.

[Brett Vesely]

Yes, vaginosis.

[John Holmberg]

That's a thing. That's scary. Yeah. I don't even know what the hell it is. It's a thing.

[Brett Vesely]

Well, anything that starts with those three letters.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

And ends in osis.

[John Holmberg]

Oh. If you've got osis and vagina anywhere near each other, I'm out. Christ on a crutch run. That's gonna stink. So anyway, so it's a real thing. So you start telling her that, you know, because women believe that a holistic guy starts saying that, saying the one thing that you've got. Are you. Are you with a husband? Oh, yes, I am. His semen, because it's been uniting with your fluids for so long, is actually something that cures a lot of what's going on with you. And medical science doesn't want to do that. So the cure to whatever it is you got going on here at the Vestly Holmberg Holistic Healing center is more blowjobs. You'll be better in a week. What? And then you'll start seeing he's a quack. And suddenly if you put blow jobs on as the cure, they're like, no, not doing that. But they'll take 4,000 pills from some dude from India and trust everything he says. But the second he goes, well, and we need an Indian in our facility, and, you know, we're going to turn to Dr. Preak Pop, and he's going to come in here and he's going to tell you what he thinks. Brett and I have a solution to this. The key to your problems is not the wheat germ pills that we'll be giving, which, those are very helpful. But I do think that if you did, you know, dance on the old bone zone, that would be a good thing for you. No, no, no, no, no, no, my friend, you are clearly a spitter. When is the last time you orally pleased your husband? What does that have to do with anything? Oh, the healing properties of his semen. You would not kick him at night with the restless legs if the back of your throat was bruised. I'm not doing that. Well, if you want to get better or not, bitch, I give you the answer. Or go to the regular one. Or go to a regular hospital. And then they'd either go to a regular hospital. No, probably not. But it Would force him to get better. You tell a woman that she doesn't have anything wrong with her. If she starts blowing her husband more, she's gonna make quack. She ain't. That ain't a diagnosis she's gonna follow through with. You ever have a woman come home and say, that doctor says I gotta blow you more. The Vesely Holmberg Clinic. Damn right. It's a wellness facility for bros. Imagine the double dipping we could do making money off the broads. The dudes would be just hooking us up anyway. Thanks, guys. It's gonna cost you 15 grand to go to a real holistic doctor. We're going to charge a 10 to come to us. Oh, it's going to take two visits before we break down. That semen is the answer to her problems, and then it's on you. Wait a minute. You're going to tell her? Yeah, we're going to tell her. Your semen has healing properties. And her stupid headaches that she gets just because she's kind of lazy and wants problems. They'll go away with the blowjobs. It. It probably won't work and she's going to get mad. But you're going to get a couple, just in case, because we're going to have a real live Indian. Tell her that that's what it is, and they'll suck up whatever that dude says. You don't know he uses eastern philosophies. Yeah. Did he hit a gong? Yes. How did you know that? I guess because you're a sucker. Okay, I've given my diagnosis. Is that a cobra? Yes. I make him come out of a basket just to prove my authenticity. Oh, wow. Stereotypes. We gotta check storefronts in Gilbert. If there's one across from Postino's. Oh, my God. Killing it right there. And just have the little Indian standing outside just chain smoking, because that would be authentic. I can fix what ails you. I've got restless leg syndrome. Semen. Not mine. I am not a pervert. But the semen of the man you love.

[Brett Vesely]

It's like the pharmacies in Mexico.

[John Holmberg]

Come on in. Come on inside. Come on inside. You look like you have puffy bags under your eyes. I don't want to judge you, but I can fix that.

[Brett Vesely]

I've got this. Here.

[John Holmberg]

You see my bags? Oh, everyone sees your bags. They are massive, like Samsonites. Come in. I will. I will give you an exam, and we will fix things.

[Brett Vesely]

Try my tincture.

[John Holmberg]

Come inside. To Hornberg Wesley Wellness Facility. How come everything I've Got wrong with me, gets cured by blowjobs. I am not Vishnu. I cannot answer these metic questions. I am Dr. Kevin Patel. I am Dr. You. Just call me Dr. K. All right? I am Dr. K. It'd be great, because then he could check your credit, too. While we're at it, let me make a couple of calls and see if we can get you into a better rate. You know you're not a real doctor when it's Dr. First name Dr. Jordan. That's why I ain't a doctor anymore. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. When the last guy told me that, all I needed to do is line my chakras. No, no, no, no, no. Your husband's semen holds the cure. I don't necessarily think that. Well, if you'd like to get better, this is the only way. Now, let me see your form. Here is a pineapple. And here is a cucumber. We're going to get your mouth around a pineapple eventually. What? That's right. We're going to make you a sucking machine. Wow. You will get five or six at once. You're going to look like a pack of Oscar Mayer hot dogs is in your mouth.

[Brett Vesely]

Kevin, how do I invest in your program? It Sounds Awesome.

[John Holmberg]

It's Dr. K. And it's amazing how fast your husband is willing to pay for this treatment. You're not going to get any guff from him anymore about holistic healing.

[Brett Vesely]

You'll notice a change in him.

[John Holmberg]

You'll notice that he will be all on board solving your problem. I've been going to my holistic guy for three years. And yet you still kick at night. You fat. I mean, you poor woman.

[Brett Vesely]

He had sympathy for a half.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, for a second. She's dumb. But this is what we are doing now. And I can find a swarthy Indian to dress up like a doctor and stand up front of our thing. All we can do is rent a space.

[Brett Vesely]

We know when he might be on tour.

[John Holmberg]

Sanjay will do it. Oh, man. And he. If you get him dolled up just right. Oh, yeah. With a towel. Yeah. No, no. We're not going that far. I want authenticity. Flew over here to be holistic doctors. Dropped on a carpet. There'll be some rugs, maybe a wall for sale. Holistic rugs for your knees while you're down there blowing your man. It's a real thing, this holistic healing. They go for years. Years. I still have my knee problems. You go to a core institute or anything? No. Why not? They'll fix it. I don't know. I want it fixed. Great for attention. And the other girls have problems and I like having them too. PD hey, it's John Holmberg here from the morning Cygnus and I'm absolutely thrilled to tell you about my [e-mail] youm've heard me mention Kevin Costner, Trey McBride, other countless celebrities and pro athletes and how they chose lifted trucks. But that doesn't mean it's only for actors and pro athletes. It's for all of you. Everybody who loves a cool adventure. So if you're a huge celebrity like me or just an average Joe who wants the best truck available, head on over to Lifted Trucks. They live up to being the number one custom truck dealer for over 30 years. 10,000 five star reviews can't be wrong. Liftedtrucks.com work hard, play hard, drive harder. It's Brett Vestey from Homer. Morning Sickness. I don't know about you, but I got tons of stuff going on in my life. And of course the yard seems to get neglected. So I figured I need to get some help. So I hit up Divine Design Landscaping. They come out every other week and take care of everything I don't have time to do. And quite frankly, the stuff I don't want to do. As a matter of fact, they're coming out next week to plant a lime tree at the house. Lawn care, irrigation, tree work, low voltage lighting, 3D designs, patios, driveways, you name it. For the most part, Divine Design Landscaping can do it. Get a free [e-mail] Holmberg's Morning Sickness by the way, here we are. February 27, 2026. Tomorrow is the last day of February and that means that it is the end of teen dating violence awareness. So we can start hitting them again on Sunday. Wait a minute, we've we missed the whole 26 days? Whole month. It's Black History Month. And then your eyes hidden in there is teen dating violence awareness. And I think that should be something you should be aware of all year long. I don't think you should have a specific month for it, but evidently we focus on that. And then March 1st, we're right back to swinging. I don't know what that means, but if you've got someone who's in the middle of teen dating violence and I what does that mean? Teen dating violence awareness. It gets its own month, but it's over as of tomorrow. And I didn't know that it was even a thing, but it's TV Am. They keep throwing that up on the news.

[Brett Vesely]

Look at this. Yeah, you can. If you need to leave this site safely and quickly, click.

[John Holmberg]

Got it? Yeah, like as the dude who's violating you on a date over your shoulder. Right.

[Brett Vesely]

More common. You think one in three U.S. teens will experience physical, sexual or emotional abuse from someone they're in a relationship.

[John Holmberg]

Every teen is an emotional abuse on a date if it doesn't go their way.

[Brett Vesely]

A relationship, emotional abuse.

[John Holmberg]

They don't know what they're doing yet. It's the stomping grounds of learning. It's like a four year old with a glove on and you're hitting them grounders. There's gonna be a lot of mistakes. There's gonna be some violence, gonna be some anger, gonna be some overreaction. I can't imagine that you can even include the emotional part of it because they're all that way.

[Brett Vesely]

Don't give me this olay stuff, Dorn.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. No olays out there. You're gonna take your lumps. Now, physical violence, that's obvious. And you should probably watch out for that.

[Brett Vesely]

There is a theme also, John. I don't know if you can read that with your one eye. We're excited to announce the For Teen Dating Violence Awareness Month is real. Love. Respects.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's right.

[Brett Vesely]

Jody Watley.

[John Holmberg]

And you go through a few. We as fellas spend our team dating learning which ones are crazy and which ones aren't. And you gotta bite a few bad apples to find out. Oh, boy. There's some red flags. And then those stay with you forever.

[Brett Vesely]

John, There's a calendar of events.

[John Holmberg]

Sure. Well, there's the Teen Violence Day. And then what is it? What are you dealing with? And I understand it's real.

[Brett Vesely]

Is there like a vendor booth?

[John Holmberg]

But they included emotions and you can't do that with teenagers.

[Brett Vesely]

Oh, Respect week led all the way up to Valentine's Day.

[John Holmberg]

Well, yeah. And then. Then you go out on a date. We heard about 13 different pizza days this month and not one word of this from Brady. What the hell?

[Brett Vesely]

Exactly.

[John Holmberg]

It was even quiche day or something and nothing. It's a good point, Brett, but here it is. Teenage violence.

[Brett Vesely]

There was an egg pie day.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I mean, shouldn't we have adult violence Dating awareness as well? Like, isn't it something we should all be aware of? Like don't be violent on dates and if it starts getting violent, you should probably stop it.

[Brett Vesely]

They lump that into domestic violence.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And is it a celebration when you're like, I'm part of this like, well, this is not good. Ask oj. He'd be a good spokesperson. You know what? He should be a keynote speaker at this violent seminar that they're having.

[Brett Vesely]

Well, we take a break, John, and then October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month,

[John Holmberg]

and we got time to prepare.

[Brett Vesely]

That way we can partner with the museum in Guadalupe.

[John Holmberg]

I suppose you get a whole summer knocking people around before anybody's aware. Oh, no. Hey, what's up, Twitter world? It's been a while since OJ's been in. How you doing, bro? How you doing, man? Hey, I'm sorry to hear about Brady. I. I expected he'd pass. I'll be honest with you. I thought I'd see Brady down south, but so far. Is he alive still? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. I owe Hitler some money. We had a. We had a hell fanduel on that team. Violence and dating is. It's subjective, Brett.

[Brett Vesely]

Oh, really?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. I mean, like, you go on a date, all right? And I'm sure you probably grab an arm or two and say, come with me. Put a lady on the seat every once in a while, let her know what's going on. Exactly. Now, in my case, violence and dating was a little bit, I don't know, firm. Well, let's just use the word firm.

[Brett Vesely]

I didn't, like, use another F word final.

[John Holmberg]

And I'll be honest with you. I wasn't even dating her, married to her, and that's. We don't go on dates anymore. She's ended up dating some other guy who popped over to the house. So I had to. I had to end that date. So that date ended without a second date. I think that was pretty much. What? If you've got a violent dating situation, just think of me and just cut it off. Yeah, just cut it off. Just try. Yeah, cut it off. Brett. That's a great text. Text a message that says, I'm cutting this one off. And then she'll know what you're talking about. What, is it for boys, too? Because I was like, I tell you what women can be. That's. The emotional part is pretty much all about them. I'm gonna go ahead and tell you right now that emotional dating, violence is the thing I'm against the most. And I'll turn that on its ear. Literally. I'll turn your head over. Your body won't be attached. Anyway, last days of it. Sorry about that, everybody. Missed your whole violent month. Bye. There's still a day. Still one day to be violent. Let that go with the chart. Oj, he lost A bet to Hitler. Well, he's down there talking with Hitler, man.

[Brett Vesely]

The money those two exchange.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I'm telling you. You know, they shook hands. Oh, yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

Oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And you and. And people overheard. I'm a big fan. They're playing cards, watching you from afar. I have kept an eye on you for a long time. Me and Kennedy both. I really enjoyed he down there. Charles Manson's hanging out with him and everything. Leeches all over me. I would have a big fan. All these celebrities. I'm down here. I'm an a lister. Morning sickness. 88 KUPD. Hey, Sal. Hank. What's going on? We haven't worked a case in years. I just bought my car at Carvana, and it was so easy. Too easy. Think something's up? You tell me. They got thousands of options, found a great car at a great price, and it got delivered the next day. It sounds like carbona just. Just makes it easy to buy your car, Hank. Yeah, you're right. Case closed. Buy your car today on Carvana. Delivery fees may apply. Holmberg's morning sickness. And then our blind buddy Sean emails and says, my mother, Corey Rockefeller, is using a Reiki healer. The service is where a massage therapist doesn't actually touch you. They just hold their hands above the body and heal with their energy.

[Brett Vesely]

Shut up.

[John Holmberg]

But every time I come home. Home. She talks about all the wind chime she's buying. And there's probably another Coca Pelli. Sean's blind, so he doesn't know what. His mother's decorating the house.

[Brett Vesely]

Well, you can hear the goddamn wind chime.

[John Holmberg]

That's true. Can we offer that service at our. Yeah, yeah, we'll offer the ranking. Okay, Brett, and I'll hover above you for a little bit.

[Brett Vesely]

Reiki.

[John Holmberg]

R E I K. I. I don't

[Brett Vesely]

know if I've ever heard of that.

[John Holmberg]

It's. They do the cruel's eye.

[Brett Vesely]

What?

[John Holmberg]

And then they just hold their hands. The Miyagi that feelings Reiki. I don't see Reiki healing is. They. They do it like they heat their hands, and then they put some stuff. And then they. They. A couple inches above your body start to, like. Like if you've got a stomach problem or something, they just hold it over that. Broads. Broads. You know, you never see in the lobby there. Dudes. Exactly. No, guys like, yeah, you had some hemorrhoids. And I went over to a Reiki and. Oh, yeah, no, Reiki. Guys were great.

[Brett Vesely]

Oh, my God.

[John Holmberg]

I got a Reiki healer, too, because the guy's on the phone with Wendy. Yeah. Never. Never been in. I was like, oh, I need my Reiki guy. My back. You mean Dan never came home and went to a Raiki after a hard day? My dad came home one time and he's like, we gotta call the Reiki guy. I'm like, oh, my God. Dad's gay.

[Brett Vesely]

Reiki is a Japanese energy healing technique established in the 1920s by Mao Yusui. It work designed to reduce stress and promote relaxation by channeling universal life force energy through a practitioner's hands. It works by placing the hands lightly on or just above the body in specific positions to guide energy flow. Sessions usually last 60 to 90 minutes.

[John Holmberg]

I'll tell you this, it does work because their hands magically suck money right out of the account. It's unreal. No, my Reiki guy cured my baldness. Oh, yeah, look at me. Well, you should have went to the Reiki. I didn't go to the Reiki guy. But anybody hovering their hands over my head, zero results so far.

[Brett Vesely]

It is guided by the five Reiki principles and the mantras. They are just for today. I will not anger. I will not worry. I will be grateful. I will do my work honestly. I will be kind to every living thing.

[John Holmberg]

Whatever works for you, go do it. But you're still a dipshit for doing it. I have my Reiki healer. What's that cost? 185 an hour. Holy Christ. And what's he do? His hovers around the room. Jesus Christmas. I could have a homeless do that for 20 bucks.

[Brett Vesely]

Can't you pay the girls at Postino to do the same thing?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, can it. Well, they don't have the special powers. I also talked to a guy yesterday who was telling me about power of prayer, and I'm like, I'm whatever works for you, man. And I'm like, but what I. What I always discount with prayer is, can he not hear me right now? It's like, what do you mean? I'm like, you guys always have to activate with code words and then deactivate at the end. Right? Dearest lord. Okay, we're on. It's like turning the mics on.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah, exactly.

[John Holmberg]

Telegram, stop. Yep. And then at the end, it's like, oh, man. And then God goes, all right, shut that down. Dear God, stop. Right, right. Why do you have to activate your prayer prayers? Well, he has to know we're talking to him. Oh, he knows that already.

[Brett Vesely]

He knows everything.

[John Holmberg]

Your prayers are silly. Stop with the power prayer and do whatever you want to do. But again, I do that. And you can call me things. Whatever makes you get through the day. But it doesn't mean you're not a dip for doing it. That's fact. We all are. We all have stuff we do that makes us dip. Women have more because they've got Reiki healers. And, you know, my grandpa never went to a Reiki healer. He had polio. He ran a farm and, like, metal in his head in four places. He didn't want it. It wasn't, like, medically put there. It just fell in his head. Everyone wants the Reiki heel. He got stomach cancer that spread all over his body, and he kept working. Alfredo Reiki. You know, you never suck that cancer out. It works. Reiki healer. Corey Rockefeller. Come on. Morning sickness medicate. Can you pick Holmberg's morning sickness? I've also discovered that with age, I've become a conspiracy theorist. And I'm starting to turn. I think I'm gonna just turn red and get fat like Alex Jones. Start saying crazy stuff all the time. I'm in it. We're not. We never went to the moon. That's new to me. Yeah. The only one I used to lean on pretty heavy was Helen Keller's not real. That I never believed. Even as a kid. I was like, this can't be right. A lot. A lot of marketing. She couldn't talk till she was 5, and by 11, she'd written a book. Yeah. A little much. Yeah. This stuff is. And nobody ever taught that hand language to anyone else. Yeah, that's a little bit like, you know, they're guys. They're kung fu guys in China. They can fly. All right. You know, it's the same. You know, if there's no fact checking, things get a little wild. Yeah. Are you. Are you at all that conspiratorial? I. I do think that people. I do think that. Well, I used to say nobody can really control the press. Yeah. And now I'm not that naive. Now I think that's. You said it. You finally said it. No, you heard it. Brian Callan. Is that Desert Ridge Improv? John. The Jews. There's always. There's every conspiracy theory. Every conspiracy theory always has, like, this invisible circle of Jews, though, holding strings. That's the best band name ever. The Invisible Circle of Jews. Well, and my thing about that is. I have a whole thing about that. If you don't like the Jews, you're allowed to hate anybody you want. But we always need a group to go bat on. Right. Whether it's White supremacists or those invading Muslims or the Jews, if you don't like the Jews. Okay, I'm not Jewish, so. But I'm just going to say if you don't like them, you're just not allowed to use any of their inventions. Oh, God. Like the pill. All right, so no more raw dogging for you. All right. How about you invent the pill? Yeah, I know that. How about the MRI machine? You like that? Yeah. Give credit to Jewish scientists. Next time you get a little lump, you figure it out.

[Brett Vesely]

You just feel around.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I'll get a scalpel. You don't get. You know what I mean? Where's Allah? Now here's another one. Here's. Here's another one. One the top 21 Christmas songs. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Silver Bells, Chestnuts Roasting on the. Written by Jews Mel Tor and Irving Berlin. Oh, a fake breast. Anybody like fake breasts? Invented by Jews? Invented by a Jewish doctor. That procedure. So your wife may not mean Jewish, but her. Dang it. Her breasts are Jewish. I didn't know. There's all the famous Jewish inventions. Vaccine. You guys like walking. Jonas Salk was Jewish. Pap smear. It's unbelievable. Google pregnancy. Google was invented by Jews. The very thought. Well there. That's by the way though, Google. If you're googling what Jews invented and they invented Google, they can say whatever. Well, and then there's Hollywood. So you guys, you don't get to. You don't have to watch the movie. You got to read the book. So you know, you know how I know there is truth to the Jews controlling the media? Yeah. And I like it. People think I'm Jewish because my last name's Homework. So I run with it just for. Yeah. So I can get away with stuff. Power you all kinds of German. I'm all kinds of Swedish and German. All kinds Nordic eyes. Blue. As blue as the Aan Sea. I know this because James Bond never fought the Israelis, even when we were out of enemies. Interesting. That's. Never once did they go, what about this group? Well, they. The jews make up 2% of the population globe. It's impressive what they do.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. You want to pick a fight with them. Enjoy that with your beeper. I mean the greatest thing ever. Yeah, that was. Was even guys in the like, that was pretty sweet. I mean, unbelievable. Because you know what? If you're Jewish and you got 8 million people, your survival depends on your existential survival. So you're going to get ahead of the game a little bit. You know, I'm sorry, that they're better fighters. You see him pull down that thing in the room, that, that screen. What are we good at? What do we do? Invent with the people, huh? Genius. And it's the most brilliant thing ever. And to have that thing work, no other would have put the beeper charade together and had it perfect, right? And then they just went, well, what a coincidence. They kind of took credit. But they're also great at comedy. Dude. And Mel Brooks, Sid Caesar, go down the list. So what you're saying, Seinfeld, like, what do you. Let's circle back to your original thought. It's good. They control everything. I'm not saying they control everything. It's good. So far, so good on that. So far, so good. Nice job. Juice says Brian cat Allen at 8:54am Yeah, I agree. Jewish comedians. Yeah. No, it's. Oh, that. You don't even want to go down the list of Jewish comedians. It'll just make sense. Mark's brothers, Woody Allen. I mean, it's unbelievable. Now Woody Allen's not. Well, okay, there's gonna be an outline. Don Rickles, Come on. Gilda Radner. It just goes a Jackie Mason. I mean, Gene Wilder. Look at Larry David. Larry David. Jon Stewart. How do you not love John? Adam Sandler. You don't love Adam Sandler. Sasha Baron Cole. Going. Billy Crystal. What are you talking about? Amy Schumer. I mean, there's a few. A couple. You're always going to have an hour. Handler's my friend. I like Chelsea, you know. Yeah, no, it's a list. It's a list. All right. Well, all right. So there we go. So you've come in here with your propaganda and it's work. Well done, friend. This is a star tv. I may not be Jewish, but I got that star. I do love that, though, that the invisible circle of Jews surrounds all conspiracies. It's always. If you just keep following it. I'm not going to say, but it's the international bankers. Okay. Once I figured out a way to get you alone, even though you got bad credit, you can have a mortgage. I'm more in on the idea that we just got lied to a bunch. I don't think the Jews are behind the moon thing, but it just. It just doesn't add up anymore, especially the finances. Well, then, come on. The new moon people hit me over the head with it. He said, who's going to finance that? The international banks. Come on, International bank. You're going to need a loan. For that international bank. I don't want to say the global people we do not speak of. But yes. Soros morning sickness. Medicate K. Holberg's morning sickness.

[Brett Vesely]

Let's begin.

[John Holmberg]

Top left square.

[Brett Vesely]

Witness relocation.

[John Holmberg]

Bill Clinton. That's right. Today I go in. How you guys doing? How are you guys doing? Great. How you doing? I'm doing great. Did you see Hillary yesterday? Was she was being deposed? Yeah. They were talking about Epstein, and she came out, oh, you know, cock of the walk. And she said, oh, I never knew him. I didn't do that. And tomorrow my husband will clear this up, which he does not know. This is my first opportunity to get that bitch thrown in jail for killing all those people and putting my name on it. That'd be convenient. Cesar Rodham. I'm a Clinton. I don't want all these things tied to me. I didn't kill anybody. And she's been holding this over my head for a long time. Time. They say the Jews are in control. That's not true. You killed that cigar. It's. Oh, man, that thing was soaked. Here's what you never knew about that. Brett. Now I'm getting up in age. I can tell the story. All right. That thing was in Monica so long that once I touched it, my fingers got pruning. Bill, we spent an hour and a half trying to light that cigar like a. Like a. Like a. Like a dura flame that's been in the rain. Put it back in the humid. Did not make regular fire colors either. There's that green hue, that weird flame. Something's wrong. I think there's chemicals in this.

[Brett Vesely]

Oh, there was.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, there was chemicals in it. All right. I did not realize that that fat was going to keep that dress. But that's an older story. I'm on to a new fat, and I might be your neighbor, Corey. We'll see where you end up. Witness relocation. My name now is going to be Yizzy Yiskowitz. Run a little bagel shop over there in Scottsdale. Once I sell Hillary's ass up the river and it has been a 30. They say revenge is sweet. Sweet. It's a dish served cold. I'm serving a 30 year revenge sweet on her. That's what I'm doing. You'd be the one Jew from Arkansas they're gonna ask. First question to say what? How did you know? Jeffrey Epson's like, don't worry about it. Let's talk about the murders. Let's get to the rat. Killing. Hillary killed everybody, and she's Gonna kill you guys too if you're not careful. So I'll spill the beans, but you got to promise me. All expenses paid, new identity. Scott.

[Brett Vesely]

We got your back. Bill.

[John Holmberg]

I'm gonna tell you right now, good luck. I got plans to move to Scottsdale. And just about everybody at the Bottle Blonde. That's happening. I'm gonna nail them all. All right. Die Hard.

[Brett Vesely]

But over now to the top, middle square.

[John Holmberg]

Tracy Morgan joining us. I got a new TV show out. Corey, you didn't even mention it. I did not know. Do you know the name of it? Not at all. That's unfortunate. Cuz I forgot what station today. The thing is on NBC. That's where I got my start. But I was on the Saturday Night Live. And then I moved on over, over to the 30 rock. And I was the star that. Yeah, I'm such a good actor. They just said call him Tracy on that too. So he answers to it. But that's exactly what I did. Corey, your birthday's next week. Yes, technically. The good one. The real one. Are you gonna spend full term birthday walking like a man? No, this one. That way.

[Brett Vesely]

Your new show's called Reggie Dinkins.

[John Holmberg]

I know that. Oh, it's that one. Okay. Circle, get the square. No. Yes. I think that's how that goes. Toledo just got one right? It's what? It's on Tuesdays.

[Brett Vesely]

Okay.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know. You can download it on the Hulu.

[Brett Vesely]

You can download it on Paramount Plus.

[John Holmberg]

On the Hulu.

[Brett Vesely]

Paramount Plus.

[John Holmberg]

And the Hulu.

[Brett Vesely]

And the Hulu.

[John Holmberg]

You get it on all that stuff. That's how TV works now. Richard, Richard, don't question me about entertainment. I'm in show business. I'm the one in show business. You are that. You're the not. You sit in the background and just stare at show business. I am show. You're not.

[Brett Vesely]

You still wear sweatpants.

[John Holmberg]

Circle gets the square. Over now to the top right square. We have President Trump. How are you, sir? Doing great. What a speech I gave. Dude.

[Brett Vesely]

Longest ever.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. He had a lot to say. And you know, they say that about Trump a lot. They say Trump long. The ladies say longest ever right after usually. That's usually kind of the adjective going. And just. That's what they say. It just never ends. It never ends. Unlike Bill, nobody ever says longest ever

[Brett Vesely]

about doing a cigar.

[John Holmberg]

Even Monica was like, that didn't take long. Not the longest ever. Whatever. It doesn't matter to me. I'm getting out of this mess. And a few yizzy's out the door. By the time you see me leaving, I'm gonna have pay X and a yarmulker and I'm gonna be on my way to Scottsdale. All right. He's gonna tell about his wife who murdered just about everyone. A lot of them. I think Hillary is. I think she's going to get a Netflix special like Dahmer, Ed Gein. She's one of those. And I think.

[Brett Vesely]

You ever leave a messy dress behind, sir?

[John Holmberg]

Let me just take a poll of the room real quick. Okay, the poll of the room. If you love American citizens, stand up. That's kind of Toledo. Stay down. There's Brett. How do you not. I really fooled the Democrats with that one. I said, if you want to work with both. And remember the guy I brought out? That speech was so great. The guy I brought out and I said he was detained and we freed him and he's here tonight. And then we brought him in like it was a. Like it was Maury. Like I was Maury Povich. And he went and he hugged his

[Brett Vesely]

wife and he left with kids.

[John Holmberg]

Probably one of the. Probably. Well, I'll tell you, they came back from getting milk. They were trying to make kids right there. I'll tell you this. When I look. The creepiest thing in State of the Union history happened because when he hugged his wife, I just said very creepily into the mike, you have a good night. And it got really weird. Forgot that part. But he banged. He banged his wife for the first time. And we're very beautiful. Very American, American story. Very American. Very American story.

[Brett Vesely]

Bone in your wife.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. Unlike Corey's mom's vagina, which is like a water slided golf land, it just, it's twisty and messed up and kids just fall out of it.

[Brett Vesely]

Come on, get ahead of next week, man.

[John Holmberg]

Get them out now. Get them out now. Got to get them out now. Which is what your mother said three months. Three months before for the doctor. She just didn't listen to doctors. A lot of people don't. A lot of people say doctors are wrong. So she did it her way twice with your mom. Two times.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

The first one was also a month early. Two times they tumbled out of the water slide a little early right there. Arizona's most powerful, powerful rock radio station. Did you know that parents ranked teaching financial literacy as the toughest life skills skill? That's where greenlight comes in. The debit card and money app made for families. With greenlight, you can send money to kids quickly, set up chores, automate allowance and track spending with real time notifications. Kids learn how to earn, save and spend responsibly while parents have peace of mind. Knowing smart money habits are being built with guardrails in place. Try Greenlight Risk free [e-mail] TryGreenlight that's greenlight.com TryGreenlight.