03-04-26 - Emergency Morning Dump And Walking Into A Cactus All In Holmberg's Last 12 Hours - Skeptical Watching War If We Bombed Iran's Top 50 That There's Still Someone In Charge - If Someone's Hot Or Funny Their Politics Don't Matter

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness – Arizona

Episode: 03-04-26 – Emergency Morning Dump And Walking Into A Cactus All In Holmberg's Last 12 Hours
Air Date: March 4, 2026
Host: John Holmberg
Co-hosts: Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo

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Overview

In this high-energy, irreverent episode, John Holmberg and the crew revel in misadventures, real-life embarrassments, and sharp, satirical commentary on current events—specifically, ongoing U.S. military actions in the Middle East, sensationalism in news coverage, and the absurdity of both real and fictionalized politics. Holmberg riffs on his rough last 12 hours, involving an “emergency morning dump” and walking straight into a cactus, before unraveling a breakdown (with heavy sarcasm) of how wars and their leadership changes are portrayed in the media. The gang also explores the effect of physical appearance and humor on one’s tolerance for political beliefs, poking fun at the hyper-partisan climate.

The chemistry, playful insults, and dark, raunchy humor make the episode both relatable and bitingly satirical.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Holmberg’s Last 12 Hours: Bathroom Misadventure and Cactus Embarrassment

Timestamps: 01:01–06:09

• Morning Routine Mishap:

  • John details his daily routine—starting with a full pot of coffee, which led to a desperate and dramatic bathroom need at his second house near the studio.
  • “It was as inevitable as aging. What happened to me... I rag dolled... five flushes.” – John Holmberg [06:09]
  • He describes the clean-up as so bad, he needed “the people from Dub Soap and Palmolive,” likening the aftermath to a commercial for cleaning oil-slicked ducks.

• Walking into a Cactus:

  • While distracted by texting, John recounts unceremoniously plowing into a spiny desert plant in the parking lot, only to realize a “very pretty and super sweet” coworker was watching from her car.
  • “Just malfunction in a huge way. Walked right into it, not paying attention, and then fought the tree for a good second and a half. I mean, I wailed on it. Who won? Oh, it got me.” – John Holmberg [05:35]
  • The embarrassment intensifies when he notes it’s never an unattractive person who witnesses such things.

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2. War Coverage as “Entertainment TV” – A Satirical Breakdown

Timestamps: 08:56–28:46

• War as a TV Series:

  • Holmberg refers to ongoing U.S./Iran conflict coverage as “the show War,” running “on CNN, MSNBC, and Fox,” and criticizes the absurdity in the media’s narrative, likening it to a badly written series.
  • “The show I’m watching now that you guys should be binging… is called War. It’s on CNN and MSNBC and they’re all running it. And Fox. And I was slightly behind… I don’t want to spoiler alert, but… the side that you root for killed 48 higher ups.” – John Holmberg [09:00]

• Unbelievability of Killing 50 Leaders:

  • With mock seriousness, Holmberg marvels at the plot point that "we killed Iran’s top 50,” lampooning the idea that a country could instantly reorganize after such a loss.
  • “If the United States lost its top 50 people in a day, we’re surrendering… Even the 51st dude would be like, it’s me? There’d be, like, a week of sorting out… constitutional stuff.” – John Holmberg [11:11]
  • He and Brady debate government succession, wondering how any organization could have a chart “down to the 51st dude.”

• Comparisons to TV Shows:

  • He likens the scenario to shows like “24,” “Game of Thrones,” “Ozark,” and “Lost,” where writing breaks down and plot twists become implausible.
  • Holmberg: “It’s just bad writing… The show has taken a bad turn… It’s no good.” [13:39]
  • Brady: “Their leadership is set up a little different than ours.” [20:43]
  • Nick/Brady contribute dry humor about “succession trading cards” and running the country like deli ticket numbers.

• News Channel Personae:

  • Satirizes how different news networks add ‘estrogen’ or ‘testosterone’ to coverage.
    • “Ms. Now [MSNBC], news with a good cry… They literally… need a glass of red wine next to everybody who delivers the news. Fox can’t bomb enough stuff and kill enough people.” – John Holmberg [24:58–26:37]
  • The extremes of emotion—news anchors openly sobbing vs. warhawk bravado—underscore his point that modern news is just entertainment.

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3. Succession, Governance, and Realism

Timestamps: 19:14–34:57

• US Order of Succession:

  • After referencing ChatGPT results about the U.S. order of succession (which only goes to 18), the crew cracks up over questions like, “Who’s 51st?” and the likelihood that, after 18, “we aren’t a country anymore.”
  • Holmberg is incredulous at the idea anyone has faith in “the 50th guy”—let alone 51st or 52nd—being ready for leadership.
  • “That’s two baseball teams… You’re going to the double A… It’s like making them GM of the Yankees the next day.” – John Holmberg [20:48]

• Comparisons to Middle Eastern Organizations:

  • Joking about Al Qaeda’s “promotion meetings” and how it seemed those groups always had another “#2” ready.
  • “I wish it was more pleasant but… you’re now the #2 in Al Qaeda… Next man up.” – John Holmberg [32:01]

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4. Hotness, Humor, and Political Views

Timestamps: 34:59–42:41

• Physical Attraction > Political Alignment:

  • The conversation shifts to whether someone could overlook political ideology if the other person is hot or funny.
  • Holmberg posits, “If you’re hot, your politics are what I think too. At least to your face. Nothing about—[If] she has a MAGA hat on, but looks like Cindy Crawford in her heyday, there are people who’d be like, never. You’re out of your mind.” [34:59]
  • Explores the idea of “selling your soul” for a beautiful person, lampooning how in the past, men would say anything for the chance with a gorgeous woman, regardless of her views.

• Hypothetical Scenarios (with Humor):

  • The crew throws around scenarios—letting Margot Robbie, AOC, or Brad Pitt “blow you” while spouting political rants.
  • “I’d let AOC bob on me for an hour, and the whole time she’d take a break and go to hands and go, 'And another thing I hate about Trump,' and I would tolerate it because AOC’s got a nice set of cans.” – John Holmberg [39:04]
  • "I’m equal opportunity. I have no problem with your political beliefs. I’ll let anyone into my life as long as you’re good-looking… I do." – John Holmberg [40:41]

• On Male Friendships and Politics:

  • Brief tangent on how no one worries about friends’ beliefs, but it matters for beautiful strangers.

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5. Criticism of TV Storytelling and America’s Changing Culture

Timestamps: 17:05–23:26; 41:34–42:41

• Lazy Writing in Hit Shows:

  • Holmberg denounces shows that lose their way (“Landman,” “Ozark,” “Lost”), paralleling this to the news and "War" coverage that loses logic.
  • Critique of letting implausible plot devices (magic face swaps, endless succession, etc.) solve writing traps.

• America’s “Loss of Greatness”:

  • With tongue in cheek, John laments the alleged loss of American men’s willingness to “sell their soul” for a beautiful woman—tying that to perceived cultural shifts and rising ideological rigidity.
  • Calls back to a "Curb Your Enthusiasm" episode as an ideal of old-school priorities: beauty trumps all.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Bathroom Confessional:

  • “Did you ever crap so hard it’s on your knees, you don’t want to get in the shower… I just hopped into the shower, turned the floor brown. Good morning this morning, everybody. But I feel fantastic now.” – John Holmberg [06:09]

• On War as a Show:

  • “I’m watching War last night… the plot is like, it’s hinging on the fact that we killed 48 leaders… if the United States lost its top 50 people in a day — we’re surrendering.” – John Holmberg [11:11]

• On Succession:

  • “Our presidential order of succession stops at 18. That’s the US of A. Geez, that’s pretty deep. I didn’t think it went that deep, to be honest with you. But 18, that’s— if there’s a strike, right?” – John Holmberg [19:44]

• On Absurd Office Pools for Enemy Leaders:

  • “They got an office pool in the newsroom. All right, 30 bombs today, what do you got? What do you got?” – John Holmberg [26:52]

• On Political Views vs. Attractiveness:

  • “If you’re hot, your politics are what I think, too. At least to your face. … I could keep my core foundations to myself for eight minutes of a blowjob.” – John Holmberg [34:59]
  • “You wouldn’t let a model blow you because of her political views? Like they matter. Like she’s changing the planet. What would we talk about? She can’t talk right now.” – John Holmberg [36:03]
  • “I’m equal. Equal opportunity. I don’t know anyone’s political views. I don’t care. You start spewing them off, you’re gonna annoy me. But if you’re hot enough, I’m gonna agree with you.” – John Holmberg [40:38]

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Segment Timestamps

| Segment/Theme | Time | |------------------------------------------------------------------------|-----------| | Morning misadventures & cactus incident | 01:01–06:09 | | War coverage as bad TV, absurdity of leadership succession | 08:56–28:46 | | Deep dive: U.S. succession, “succession trading cards” joke | 19:14–20:48 | | Media depictions & network satire (Ms. Now sob stories, Fox bravado) | 24:00–27:23 | | Succession in government and terrorist groups vs. TV drama | 32:01–34:57 | | Attraction, humor, politics, and personal values | 34:59–42:41 |

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Tone & Style

• Irreverent, sarcastic, and darkly comedic
• Blunt, self-deprecating, and unfiltered (often gleefully gross or explicit)
• Quick with quips, playful insults, and running in-jokes among the crew

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For the Listener Who Missed the Episode

This episode captures all the hallmarks of Holmberg’s Morning Sickness—unfiltered accounts of embarrassing personal moments, zany critique of society and media, and satirical takes on serious issues. It’s a ride full of snark, sharp wit, and the kind of ribbing that makes listeners feel like part of an inside joke.

Skip for: Politics taken too seriously or anyone adverse to crude humor.
Tune in for: Cathartic laughter at the absurdity of current events and life’s daily disasters.

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Transcript

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[John Holmberg]

Sickness the old method of treatment for a person in this condition was to throw him in jail. Good morning everybody. H my name is John. There's Freddy, there's Brett Polito's on here somewhere. This that's a triple. That's three days in a row I've done it. This is the third straight day I'm going home. This is the morning sickness. It's 5:45. How are you? Try to say something right before the mics come on to set the tone. It's a rough start to the morning. Got here and realized that the pot o coffee treatment I've been giving myself each every day for the last couple months. Full pot of coffee to start today. Full potential and about a quarter of a gallon of hazelnut mix. Sugar free of course. Don't want my feet to fall off and it kicked in. Usually it's about 12:31 o' clock that I can paint pipes, but this morning that wasn't the case. So I luckily have that second house over here close to the station for that purpose. I absolutely wrecked it. Then I hopped in the shower and cleaned up. I feel great. Great way to start today though. It's an amazing thing. So I got that going. Yeah. If I can start the show every day, what I'm doing right now is going to eventually not get to Brett and Brady right before we turn the mics on. I don't know. That one probably always will. Pretty good one. But I'll have something I'm going to. I think that's my new thing. It's the. Let's get her started with that. And then yesterday, my start to the day stunk, and my end to yesterday here at station stunk. I. I was leaving. They had the fire alarms going off in the station yesterday. So there's a big test, and everybody's blowing up fire alarms.

[Brady]

Scared the crap out of me.

[John Holmberg]

Did it. They told you?

[Brady]

I know I was coming, but I was in the studio recording something, and right when you're doing.

[John Holmberg]

All of a sudden, it was 10:30, and everybody was standing outside, and we were all waiting for. The guy said, okay, here we go. And it blew the thing up. So it's loud. So a whole bunch of people were outside. I'm watching them through the window, and I'm like, all right, when that dissipates, I'll go out and leave. It's ridiculous. So I get out of there. I had stuff to be somewhere at 11, so I was like, I gotta go. I want to wander through this thing. So I. As I'm leaving yesterday, I'm getting a text from. It was actually Hella Stray, who I was going to go meet with. And I'm walking through the parking lot, which I've been through I don't know how many times. So, you know, you walk by the sidewalk to my car, and then. And then you got. I got to walk through a little bit of desert landscaping to get to the car. And I've done this a hundred thousand times in the last 10 years of being here. And the only part of that chat GPT show that, you know. So Audrey, she's. She was out there. Yeah, she's very pretty and super sweet girl, and don't see him much. I never see the other guys. But she. She's. She. Yeah, she's. She's the. You know, she's nice and, you know, as my dad would say, no, no, no to look at. So I didn't see her, but she's parked in her car and she's in it, and I didn't know that. And I'm texting Hella Stray back, and I walked right into one of those spiny, tall cactuses. I mean, I walked right to the heart of that thing. Just, you know, they're the. They just. They look dead.

[Brady]

You didn't break it?

[John Holmberg]

No, they're just you know the one I parked by? It's the sticks. That. Kind of.

[Brady]

Pretty thick.

[John Holmberg]

It's not a cactus. Coca trees or something? Is that what that is? I don't know. They're just sticks with giant thorns on them. Let me tell you, they're not comfortable to wander into. It's not like bouncing off an oak. You stick to it for a little bit.

[Brady]

Spears in them.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, well, tell me. Tell me about that, because I know firsthand that there are spears in them, Brady. But they're just. And it's not like the thing isn't visually warning you that it's. You don't go. You don't hit it and go, this has thorns. That's all it is, is just thorns. And then I. You know, then you fight it for a second because it's. I walked right into it.

[Brady]

Is it a yucca plant?

[John Holmberg]

I don't know. And then you walk away saying, who saw that? Like, hopefully no one saw me. Yeah. You do the look around, and I look over, and the only. The only beautiful person in the whole building is in her car just staring at me. So I gave them. I'm sure that. Because they don't like us at all.

[Brady]

That's a good half hour.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, well, they're not going to talk about it on the air because that would be interesting. You know, they don't do it. She'd bring it up. She should have her own show, because that would be interesting. But she. They're not going to do that. But she. Yeah, so hopefully she saw the aftermath, because I bounced right into it and then just fought it for a second with a few punches. And then you.

[Brady]

Did you play it off like you did?

[John Holmberg]

No, there was no playing it off there. No, I. I never do that. I did that on purpose. That, to me, is the dumbest thing people do.

[Brady]

I know.

[John Holmberg]

I meant to do it. You walked into a cactus on purpose? What are you talking about? I meant that. No, complete human error. Yeah. Just malfunction in a huge way. Walked right into it, not paying attention, and. And then fought the tree for a good second and a half. I mean, I wailed on it. I was afraid. Who won? Oh, it got me. But I got no marks. I got one here that's pretty good.

[Brady]

I mean, to get away from that. Then it didn't get you.

[John Holmberg]

No, but it hurt. Yeah, but I'm like, oh, I got. I thought I'd look down like I'd been broken. Needle in your arm. Oh, I thought for sure I'd have blood pouring out Nothing. Not like I'm gonna try it again to prove my point. But yeah, it's never someone hideous who sees you doing that. It's every time you do something like that, you look up and it's like, oh, just so happened right over here next door at the Video west. They're doing a bikini shoot right in the parking lot. And that's who I walked. That's so. And then she's probably thinking, oh, he was looking at me and walked into a cactus. Which wasn't the case because that does happen. Like a doodle. See a hot girl and then bang into a parked car or something stupid. So. And then today I start the day with a guttural growl that was less a warning and more an alarm. It was like, hey, pot of coffee. Because I didn't have my pot of coffee movement yesterday. Oh, so it was brewing. It was a two. Yes. It was a two day. It was two pots of coffee ready to take. And it took me. It. It. Yeah, it was a. It was a wrestling match, and I was not gonna win. I. I gave in. I gave in. It was as. It was as inevitable as aging. What happened to me? And I was like, you. You own my body. I rag dolled, but it was a strong but five flushes. I started to clean up. Well, yeah. And then I reached down and I'm like, this cleanup is pointless. I needed, you know, the people from Dub Soap and Palmolive to come. Like, there was oil on ducks. So I was like, I just quit a new commercial. Yeah, I just quit immediately. It should be a commercial. It's like, we haven't had an oil spill for a while, so. Did you ever crap so hard it's on your knees, you don't want to get in the shower. That it was, you know, so soft. It can. It was bad. So I just hopped into the shower, turned the floor brown. Good morning this morning, everybody. But I feel fantastic now. Great way to start the day. A great way. And I'm also. I tell you, it was quick. It's almost like the way I feel about Landman. I liked the show Landman for the first five or six episodes. And then I'm like, the writing's a little lazy. The acting's really bad. Except for Billy Bob. Like, I don't know if I'm gonna. I don't want to apologize for a show just because I put time in. And I think so many people do that, where they realize the show starts to stink. Like, it takes a turn and you're like, oh, this isn't any good. The show I'm watching now that you guys should be binging to is called War. It's on CNN and msnbc and they're all running it. And Fox and I was slightly behind. Yeah, I was watching War last night, and I don't want to spoiler alert, but early on in the series, we killed. Evidently the side that you root for killed 48

[Brady]

higher ups.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, the 48 from the top down there, they keep saying. I mean, the plot is like, it's hinging on the fact that we killed 48 leaders. Now, Jack Bauer from 24 used to try to go after the head of the snake, and that usually dismantled whoever was attacking. And then usually in the last couple hours, two or three of the underlings would take it. And Jack Bauer was really like, strapping to get those. Well, that was a good show because it always led you to believe, you know, these operations, you got to kill that you got to get the head of the snake theme.

[Brady]

Yeah, they all say it.

[John Holmberg]

So this plot point they've got in the show is that they right off the bat, they get you with bombs, and then 48 of the enemy's leaders are gone. So then yesterday they're like, oh, they got another one. And I'm like, that's. Oh, that's almost 50. And then, and then the whole show takes this big spin to, like, now they're attacking Cyprus and I'm like, who? Like, you forgot to write that part in. So now, now the plot's gotten where I don't even believe it's. So it's so far turning into Game of Thrones for you now. Well, yeah, it's the same thing.

[Brady]

One of the main heads of the snake.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

They're having a three day funeral.

[John Holmberg]

Well, yeah, but here's the thing, though, Brady.

[Brady]

Do they stop and.

[John Holmberg]

Let me, let me put it this way, because I don't like to apologize for bad writing. And TV shows are mostly sloppy. Like you said, like, it's Game of Thrones. You get to the end and you're like, oh, the writing couldn't keep up with this awesome idea. And that's what's going on with War on Fox, CNN and msnbc. Great show. Up till last night. They're lobbing bombs at, like Riyadh and they got, you know, the bad guys are shooting drones into stuff and Kuwait and all sorts of places. Like, wow, this is a. The plot twist is that they're bombing people who are kind of their friends. And then I'm like, wait, if the United States. If the news came out on the United States and the Iranian leader came out and said, I have killed the top 50 people. Who the hell's telling the army to do anything?

[Brady]

Yeah, who's left?

[John Holmberg]

It's just bad writing because I know for a fact if the United States lost its top 50 people in a day, we're surrendering. Like, we're not gonna. Like, there's a couple of dudes that'll go rogue a little bit and toss them. Who's in charge of the drones? If. Who's making the call? And how did they sort that out so fast? If we lost our. Wait, if we lost our top 50 guys.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

No one would know who's in charge. Even the 51st dude would be like, it's me. There'd be, like, a week of sorting out, like, constitutional stuff and paperwork going, all right, if he's dead, then Brett's in charge of. Brett's dead. Then. Then I guess Toledo's in charge. And if Toledo's dead, then I guess Chris from the sports stations, if he's dead. Like, they couldn't figure it out fast enough to have calls coming in. So they go, all right, launch a few more drones. Like, who the hell are you? I'm the mayor of Tehran. Teepee copy. Like, oh, are you in charge? I need some paperwork.

[Brady]

Well, they have it. I don't know how many steps it's gone down, but, you know, the vice president steps in. The president.

[John Holmberg]

I understand

[Brady]

that stuff.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I understand four. You don't get to the 50th. No government is prepared to have a flowchart to the 51st. Dude.

[Brady]

It seems like, I don't know, one time, like, when a governor died, the wife stepped in.

[John Holmberg]

Well, that happened with Sonny Bono, for God's sakes. His wife just. He hit a tree.

[Brady]

She took his spot.

[John Holmberg]

But that's my point. And then how do they know. How does the United States us. We could not for the life of us, agree who the 51st most powerful person in the whole. Who's 51st in the line of succession. We would have fights for months on who's in charge. Now we got C words in Washington. I mean, you know, in the world would say, all right, you're 51st in charge. We figured out that flowchart. We wouldn't even think about it.

[Brady]

They don't want that to happen. That's when the military steps in General or something.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, well, there's no. The generals are who we've killed. We took out all their top generals too. There's some sergeant who's in charge of the whole thing.

[Brady]

Maybe.

[John Holmberg]

Okay, no country on the planet. Private Joker, you're next. Right. No, I mean, who's saying this like I am? Are you sure? No, there. There'd be so much infighting that you wouldn't even have bombs going off. So the writing got sloppy last night with war and I'm like, oh, if they're going to continue this way, it's no good. Well, Taylor Sheridan's been pretty busy with all his new shows, so, I mean, I think, you know, he needs to step over into this one.

[Brady]

You can't.

[John Holmberg]

I mean, I get Brady, you're trying to say, oh yes, we know the president Pro Tempest to have that. Yeah, they don't have it up to the 50th guy. Everybody agrees that after 12 dudes you're not a country anymore. After 12 guys die, you've lost. And if we say, oh, we killed 48 of them in a day and they're already organized enough to launch, it's a. It's just bad writing. That's all it is, just really bad. The show has taken a bad turn. It's going to be tough to, to dig out from under this. I don't think that. I don't know. And then they had a great thing last night, a good plot twist. The Ms. Now people stopped cover like war took us. You know how sometimes you're watching like ah, it's like Gangs of London. It's just all action and then they swing over to this like moment where you're like, oh, this is great.

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[John Holmberg]

It's John Holberg here, and I found a place I'm genuinely excited about. Modern Resolution windows and Doors. And it all started because my front door just bro. Stuck, not squeaky. The thing actually broke. So I called them and from the first meeting, I could tell family run local. They care about doing things right. It was Great. Check them out. Modernresolution.com Great people, great work. Modern Resolution windows and doors. My new find and your home's new upgrade. Free in home consultation. So just call text or book online modernresolution.com call them 480-665-5732. Homburg's morning sickness. They introduced a new character last night called Melania, and she gave a speech to the UN about how we need to promote peace through education. And right on the heels of that, the awesome writers at Ms. Now did a story about how he killed a bunch of kids in an Iranian school and then played Melania. Talking about schools are important. Oh, it was great. What a. What a. Oh, it was a diabolical, emotional twist. 50 people top, and we're sure of it. We're positive of it. We couldn't name Donald Trump, Barack Obama, Joe Biden. We could not name. I'm not saying it's a side. None of them could agree on who the 51st person in charge in this country is. None of them. But we know Iran's top 49.

[Brady]

That's why we need the trading cards.

[John Holmberg]

Well, yeah, but you can have them all day, but they're not in order. Casey kasem only did 40 a week, and that was with pretty good research and numbers and stuff. We didn't.

[Brady]

John, I think they exaggerated on that.

[John Holmberg]

That's what I'm saying. The writing's bad. It's like a kid. It's like a billion zillion. Anyway, I was real into war. I was, like, popping popcorn. I'm in it. I'm watching last night, and I'm like, guys, come on. How much are you asking me to buy here? It's an awful lot. It's an awful. It's like Face off and Mission Impossible. Movies are for. I'm Sorry. If you liked it, you're one of the dumbest people on the planet. If that plot had you, because it's just bad writing. And when they'd get into corners, they'd take faces off and like, oh, they wrote themselves. They painted themselves into a corner and then had the magic of, I'm not really who you think I am. That's what Knight Rider used to do.

[Brady]

He was never, you know, Tom Cruise

[John Holmberg]

we're not talking about.

[Brady]

Ethan Hunt was never assigned to say, you got to take 50 people out.

[John Holmberg]

No, it's not how it works. You can take out seven, and then a country kind of looks around going, we still got to. I think we can figure it out. Okay, It's. Jesus Christ. It's. It's that Al Green guy with the cane. You're in charge. And then America would be like, I don't want him in charge. And then. And then we infight and the whole place. Oh, nothing would ever get done. Somebody has to go time. There's no time. Out from Iran. There's still. There's still somebody making phone calls there. Or their military is just a bunch of rogue dudes who are like, let's bomb uae. Nah, I'm not buying it. The plot twist was bad. It's like the Star wars sequels. Like, guys, nobody's buying into this. This has just gotten silly. Anyway.

[Brady]

It goes in the order of. Like, when the state was founded. Well, looks like the governor, Arizona takes over.

[John Holmberg]

Here's the other thing. Oh.

[Brady]

You know, trickles down.

[John Holmberg]

In order for this to work properly, for the plot to actually work. And that's why I'm really. If I was a. If I was a teacher, and I was, you know, literature teacher, I'd be like, hey, your story doesn't add up because in order for this to work, you'd had to kill them in order to not have mass confusion. And we killed 48 of them. But if we didn't kill them in order, you know, I'd have to make some calls going, hey, I'm pretty sure Brady was 43rd. Is he around? No, he's gone. Damn it. And there's a. There's number 51. Has to be dialing up the first. It doesn't. It doesn't make sense.

[Brady]

Yeah, because it was all in a row.

[John Holmberg]

It's like waiting in line at the deli with a little ticket. All right, I guess I'm next. 52. Now the deli ticket numbers. Like, I must. I am 52. Please. Hang on. God. Hang on. I don't want to run this thing. And then number 52, who wasn't real qualified for the gig, is standing there like you're in charge. What do we do next? Like, we surrender. We're getting our ass kicked if I'm in charge. If it came down to the 52nd person in the United States, the only responsible thing to do is quit.

[Brady]

Well, we might want to shut it down.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. I am the. Are you sure you're supreme leader. Okay, where do I sign the treaty? These people are in charge. We're losing. Imagine it being like in this building. We get down to the promo kids. Oh, my God. Oh, exactly. Yeah, says John. You're absolutely right. I went to ChatGPT. Our presidential order of succession stops at 18. That's the US of A. Geez, that's pretty deep. That's pretty deep. I didn't think it went that deep, to be honest with you. But 18, that's if there's a strike, right? We even do that in congressional, like, state of the unions and stuff. We keep a few people out just in case somebody tries to blow up all of our leaders at once. And it's agreed upon beforehand who's gonna sit out. Like, you're in charge if this thing blows up. It's like, you know, when your dad leaves and goes, you're the man of the house, but he has to ask 50 people first. And then you. It's like you are getting down to one of the worst qualified. It doesn't add up. And war's getting a little silly. It was good.

[Brady]

Their leadership set up a little different than ours.

[John Holmberg]

Is it.

[Brady]

You think it's because they got the top 50?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. You think it's structured to, like, okay, remember, you're 51st. The 50 of us die. You are in charge, and I have faith in you. You don't have faith in the 50th. Dude, that's. That's two baseball teams. Plus you're going to the double A. There's 25 on a squad. And the pros, there's like 30 on a triple A team. And you don't trust five of those guys. And now you go down to the AA guys, and now you're putting them in charge of the whole shebang. It's like making them GM of the Yankees the next day. It's just. It's just not a believable plot point. Oh, yeah. Death is the word for 6am that's appropriate. It's working out great. The word for 6am for our Metallica. Disappear to the Sphere is death. I'm trying to watch things without being political because I've recognized that if there's commercials, this is the thing. I've always said if there's commercials, what you're watching is just entertainment. There's no real. There's no real information coming your way. Now it's a real event, but they're not really informing you. They're trying to entertain you. And so I'm watching this whole war thing as if it were a TV show. Man, did it start off great. So is this like Mad Men for you? The first time through? It's like, oh man, this is great. And then you get to the end, you're like, man, yeah, you're not gonna like. It would be like if season three sucked. It's Ozarks is what it is. Ozarks. The first two seasons, like, this is great. And then the 16 year old girl was the smartest person on the planet. And I'm like, I can't watch this. This is terrible. She's outsmarting everyone at every turn. And they kept pointing out how young. I'm like, come on, this hillbilly is the smartest drug dealer in all of Arkansas. And that. No. And then it just got dumb. And that's what war is doing. War is really getting stupid now. Don't. And that's. It's the fault of the writers. You could have told me they had their top 10 guys out. I'd have bought you 48. And then you're bragging about getting the 49th guy. We don't know who their 49th guy is. We've deleted their top 49 people coming in at number 50. Like, at least tell me who's next if you know we're looking for this guy. And then take that technology and find that goddamn Nancy Guthrie. And let's get over this. I'm watching two shows right now. And the Nancy Guthrie thing, still watching that talk like leads. It's bad, it's bad writing. It's. It's. It's a soap opera. It's like, it goes nowhere ends. Nancy Got three is basically the Lost. Remember the show Lost? Yeah, Again, they, they a couple seasons there where they were just dragging out the plot because they had nowhere to go. And it's like, well, we've already talked about this. Just move the story along. Yeah, I tuned out of that. Yeah, it's. Most people have that. That show's boring now.

[Brady]

Maybe the two young girls they found in suitcases in Cleveland will take.

[John Holmberg]

That's a Thing.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

What show is that?

[Brady]

Shallow Gray.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I like that.

[Brady]

Is that on walking their dog? And also the dog.

[John Holmberg]

What does. What network is that? Oh, man. Maybe that'll be on when War's not. I like this show War and I love the. This is the best Ms. Now can be because, man, oh man, what they do is show War the show. And then they have. They add this extra part that the other stations aren't adding to that called estrogen. Loads of it. And they just fill war with estrogen and feelings and emotions and it is misguided as anything you've ever seen in your life. You can't have that much sadness and emotion and trauma. And then war also, it just doesn't matter. That's why women can't be in charge of that stuff is because there's too much empathy. And this is a compliment. Ladies, you're nicer than us. You're more empathetic, you're compassionate. But you watch Ms. Now and watch those people get empathetic and loving because of war. Oh, it just. You just. There's no win in that. You can't have that kind of. You can't have emotion involved in it. Hilarious. Ms. Now is more like the sitcom version of War because you can't not laugh your ass off at how sad they get over stuff. They don't know what they're rooting for, but they just know it's all bad.

[Brady]

Every once in a while they. They crack up, break, you know, like start crying.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, they're on Ms. Now. They're sobbing. They find people to cry and then they like, they just literally miss. Now is news with a good cry. Like, it's like a lady. I just need a good cry. Like they try to give you hard hitting news and even they can't take it. And then they start crying or whining about something. They're bitching. They should have a glass of red wine next to everybody who delivers the news on Ms. Now because these people are struggling getting this info out. Live from Postino's. Yeah, Ms. Ma. Live at Tostinos. Um, guys, I just can't right now. I just need to vent a little. I don't need to solve the problem. Brett, just listen. Listen. I just need to be heard more. Bruschetta, please. Hold on. The bruschetta. I don't like the one with honey. It makes my hands sticky. And right now I can't deal with sticky hands and war.

[Brady]

Omg.

[John Holmberg]

Breaking news. Okay, here we go. What happened now? You know what I Think happened here, Rachel? You know what? I don't need you to mansplain this to me right now. It's enough that I'm absorbing war. Well, I just thought maybe you wanted to know the strategic. Oh, you know you're gonna solve it. Okay. Thank you.

[Brady]

One star. Okay.

[John Holmberg]

The white savior's here to make sure everybody's happy. Oh, man. Mississippi now is the best one to watch war on because they get, like, sad and emotional and creepy about it. Fox is the opposite. They can't bomb enough stuff and kill enough people. I mean, there is a. Like, they're taking donations for more bombs. They.

[Brady]

We got some incredible footage on this. Check it out.

[John Holmberg]

They love showing body bags and going, got another one. And that's like, man, this is the. That's. They do the opposite of Ms. Now. They add too much testosterone to war, and it gets a little bit crazy.

[Brady]

Coming in at 47.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. We killed again. Number 48 is dead. I'm like, you had a chart down to 50. I don't buy it. Anyway, they got an office pool in the newsroom. All right, 30 bombs today. What do you got? What do you got? You'd think the general had lost his mind of the whiteboard, because I've written 50 names on this board, and these are the top 50 people. Like, we're not killing all of them at once. And we can get 30. We get 30 of those guys, we've won the war. Ah, well, maybe. No, they're not prepared. Up to 51, they're just stepping into, and there's no office.

[Brady]

They asked a local, and he told them yes. This was 48. Yeah, that's 40.

[John Holmberg]

Here's the other plot twist in war that I'm not buying. We've killed their Internet. So if you're the 51st guy in charge, like, you can't even zoom call to tell everybody. Like, all right, I'm the new guy. Nobody knows you're in charge.

[Brady]

Internet? No, Banking.

[John Holmberg]

This is done. There's nothing.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And yet they can. They in three days can discern who the 52nd most powerful guy. You're next, Halak. Yes, sir. Would you like another sandwich? No. You're no longer a sandwich shop owner. You are the president of the. Okay, so he goes out and does a speech to no one. I don't know. Iranian president. Nobody voted for me on 51st. I used to run the blimpies. Anyway, it's garbage. It's garbage writing. It's just garbage. So this should be over soon. Someone called David Chase. He hasn't been doing anything lately. Get the Sopranos guys on this and start this plot point. Then get this. The story arc took a terrible turn yesterday. I want to love this show, but I can't because it's just too far fetched. And then. Yeah, and then I try to go back to like an old comfort food and the Nancy Guthrie thing, and that is just stalled out. Yeah, we need to find a finger or something to make that thing juice up again. People, people, stop looking for it.

[Brady]

Show us a sign.

[John Holmberg]

Who?

[Brady]

The whoever has her.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah.

[Brady]

Asking for the bad guys.

[John Holmberg]

The bad guys aren't interesting. You need him to pop by. Just even like Darth Vader used to walk down a hall and you're like, we need a bad guy to pop off. Well, didn't Savannah show up down there and throw flowers at her on her driveway or something this weekend? Did she just drive by and throw flowers? She's been gone a month. What do you want me to do? Should I be doing? Just drive by and. That's for you, mom. Somebody got to clean that up. She didn't want to spend any more time in Tucson. It's John Holmerg here from the morning sickness. And it's time to talk about my friend, TV's Doug Hopkins of my home group and Doug hopkins.com Doug buys houses for cash, as is. No repairs, no showings, none of that usual stress. He knows the Phoenix market inside and out, and he makes the process simple. You need to sell fast. Divorce, relocation, inherited property, whatever. TV's Doug Hopkins is a guy who puts his money where his mouth is. Start the process process@doug hopkins.com or grab the phone and sing along. The what's your Mount Rushmore Podcast. There's two things that I think I am almost always. It's hungry and tired. I. I spend. I seriously probably spend 80% of my life, my waking life, being either hungry or tired or both. I will mirror that, but I will add a third one. I'm always also gassy. Yes, you are. There is no doubt that. What's your Mount Rushmore? I don't know. Listen, wherever you get podcasts, Holmberg's morning sickness. Well, also, here's a good plot twist I would write this in, is that the family of the Guthries are at the point now where there's some infighting with them on what to do with the house because technically they're all locked up right now with mom's inheritance. And you know that deadbeat brother down there is wanting some of that, so he's like, savannah, it's time. We just said she's gone. And Savannah's got all her money. She's like, no, we're holding on to hope. And this guy wants some cash, and he's so. He's trying to push that mom's dad so he can get. So he can collect. And Savannah's keeping alive, so they're gonna probably end up killing each other. That would. That's how I would write. Well, that's a good plot. See? Thank you. That's good writing. Yeah. That's what you don't see coming. The United family mourning their mother. But after a month, the poorest one's like, well, we should probably start divvying up her stuff. And then everybody's like, you sick bastard. And then they start fighting. It's a good. I want the house. Right. Somebody does. Anyway, I'm having trouble finding stuff I like to watch since the Olympics are over and war was pretty good. I like that they rolled it out, like, the day after the Olympics ended, too. That was smart. You don't want to distract everybody with American hockey and war. It's too much. Good show, though. Well, we'll see. Maybe later today, though, they'll do something to make me go, oh, that's how they know 50 first guys in charge. But if we come out again and go, we got 10 more, and, like, that's 61.

[Brady]

Remember when we sent 15,000 more troops in there? I didn't realize we had 35,000 there already.

[John Holmberg]

They're everywhere, remember? Well, that's the thing we always talk about on Veterans Day. It's like, when there's no, like, conflict, you just assume all the military guys are fat and happy here in a base somewhere, you know, over a papago, there's, like, hundreds of thousands of troops all over the place. Not at home. Yeah. Now we can pretty much check this off the box that we got these guys. Well, who's going to be. Come on. Remember when we were trying to kill bin Laden and that show years ago, and they. All they kept doing was killing number twos. I got a lot of number two. There's a certain point of me that has to say our system isn't as good as theirs. You know, if they can tell you, you know, and keep it together after 50 people get killed. And then all those promotion meetings that they had with Al Qaeda, the new number two. Like, there was a lot of, like, hugging and celebrating and, like, nights out at Applebee's, because I know it's for the wrong reasons. I wish it was more pleasant, but, Brett, you're now the number two in Al Qaeda. It's like, wow. I never thought this day would come. I don't like how it happened, but when Mahala Halak was killed, I realized I had to step into his shoes. Next man up. This one says, what happens after the top 18 in the United States gets obliterated? So since the law does not provide a next 10 after the 18th position, the government relies on continuity of government protocols. If the top 18 were gone, surviving members of the House would meet to elect a new speaker. Would never happen. No. Would never happen. The Senate option. Simultaneously surviving senators would elect a new president pro tempore, and that would be the third person in charge, which makes you technically 21st, but it's got to go through an election process. The Designated Survivor, which is a Kiefer Sutherland show. Pretty great. During major events. The entire lineup, they pull a guy like I was talking about. They. But if we did that and we. And they didn't have one, does that run like. Who's 18? I don't know. Nobody knows. If we got 18 dead people in a row.

[Brady]

Brady, Secretary State.

[John Holmberg]

All right, but if 18 are gone, we're not a country anymore. We're done. They win. They win. Iran still got access to its planes. That's silly. That's silly writing.

[Nick Delito]

17th is the Secretary of Veterans Affairs. 18th is the Secretary of Homeland security.

[John Holmberg]

And they know that.

[Nick Delito]

Yes, they know that. They know the top 18, but.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you're telling me right now the secretary of Homeland affairs doesn't think he deserves the job over the city.

[Nick Delito]

Noem.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah, yeah. She's showing up in taxes. You think right now, in this country, the more organized one compared to Iran, Maybe we lose 17 people and Congress looks over and goes, who's next? And Kristi Noem's like me that we aren't just gonna bomb ourselves. You think Ms. Now's crowd is gonna let Kristi Noem take the reins for five minutes? They're killing her, too.

[Nick Delito]

Jen Psaki's head would explode.

[John Holmberg]

It would never end. They have an agreement that the 51st guy can still launch drones. We would never. We would never do it. Oh, my God. I. Half of me wants to paint myself brown and just wander around causing trouble in case I get to meet Christy. No ice gets me. I like that. Kristi Noem. I don't care about her politics. I'm old school. If you're hot, your politics are what I think, too. At least to your face. Nothing About. I never understood that. Had a dude email me yesterday when Jimmy Whisman was on, he goes, I thought that comedian was hilarious. Really enjoyed him till he revealed himself as a lib cuck. Screw that guy. Hard pass. And I'm like, was he funny up to that? Yep. And all he said was, trump's a bad person. He can feel that way and still be funny. Can he? Nope. If there's a gorgeous model that wants to hit her knees for you and the thing she says right before is, don't you just hate Donald Trump? Hard pass. Yep. Yeah.

[Brady]

Me.

[John Holmberg]

I do. I do too. I think we should be socialists. Yeah, me too. I mean, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it doesn't. Like my politics being for sale in the moment changes nothing. Sold changes nothing. I could keep my core foundations to myself for eight minutes of a blowjob. I think Mom Donnie's the smartest man in America. Me too. But we don't do that anymore. Remember when we were a quality nation, we used to lie to women to get blown. We'd tell them anything. Not anymore. They stop them. They pipe off with, I'm, I'm. If she has a Maga hat on, but she looks like Cindy Crawford in her heyday. There are people who'd be like, never. You're out of your mind. You're idiots. We've lost our way, Twinks. Indeed you are. Officially. You know how I know you're gay? You wouldn't let MAGA Cindy Crawford blow you. I've got principles. You're an idiot. That's your biggest one. Wow. Margot Robbie wants to blow you and talk a little about socialism. Like, in what order? Sign me up. Yeah. Cuz I'll do it either way. But I just need to know what to prep for. She gonna talk socialism, then blow me? Or afterwards when I want her to leave? During dinner? Bernie Sanders house. No problem. I would cuck with Bernie in the room spouting his deals. If Margot Robbie would like to blow you. And in the meantime, I'm gonna give you some information about how I feel about socialism. Start now. You got it, Bernie. Even you can't ruin this. First things first. The hierarchy is never the top 1% of, like. Oh, God. What? What is that old Jew saying? Oh, God, pass the baby. What can it go? Anyway, the good thing about socialism is I'm next. You wouldn't let a model blow you because of her political views. Like they matter. Like she's changing the planet. What would we talk about? She can't talk right now. What are we Talking? What do you mean, conversations? Your mouth's full. Well, you said that about AOC too. I'd let AOC bob on me for an hour, and the whole time she just. She'd take a break and go to hands and go. And another thing I hate about Trump, and I would tolerate it because AOC's got a nice set of cans. I. Technically, what I am is a beautiful human being. I'm what everybody says they want to be. I like everyone so long as they're good looking. I have no problem with your political beliefs. I'll let anyone into my life as long as you're good looking, no matter what they believe. I'm an acceptor, Brett. You want to talk about your wacky religion or, you know, God forbid, astrology? Start bashing into me with astrology and you're kind of serious about it. I'll handle the whole thing. It's like, oh, my God, we're both Leos. This is. Oh, yeah, it's fun, right? But if you start going, your rising sign means that you're in. Oh, boy, here we go. She better be really hot.

[Brady]

She's a Virgo. You're not gonna get along.

[John Holmberg]

What time are you born and in what city? I don't know. 8o, 8am Hammond, Indiana. Oh, you can do a chart on that. After you blow me. Whatever you want and wherever you want. I was born. Yeah, exactly. What makes this blowjob happen faster? Well, if you were born in Puerto Rico, C. And anytime after 10. 10:02. Oh, my God. It's all aligning. I know. It's crazy, right? The stars. We're idiots. People saying they wouldn't let a guy, you know, somebody. I let a. You know, like Brad Pitt wanted to blow me. All right. Why not? That's a good story for later. Brady had loses mine. Hey, guess who blew me last night. What? I met Brad Pitt. Oh, that's awesome. I remember he was in that movie and I was like, yeah, I know some good movies, right? He blew me. What? Yeah, I let that happen.

[Brady]

The guy from Meet Jim Black?

[John Holmberg]

Close enough. Yeah. That handsome devil took me to town. Why'd you do that? For this very reason to talk to you about it. Anyway, I'm on a different plane. I guess I'm just higher than most people. I'm not as petty. Isn't that right, Brett? No, not at all. I'm not as petty as all of you who won't even be friends with somebody good looking if they have the wrong political views. I'll let Them blow me. I'm equal. Equal opportunity. I don't know anybody's political views. I don't care. You start spewing them off, you're gonna annoy me. But if you're hot enough, I'm gonna agree with you. I do.

[Brady]

On some of my friends. Know their political views.

[John Holmberg]

The boys.

[Brady]

Shut up.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. You got guys or ugly people and you're not. Well, they're not trying to blow you and you probably dodge them, but you don't have any hot models coming to you with Mom. Donnie, talk. Because if you did, you'd be like, they're welcome.

[Brady]

They're welcome.

[John Holmberg]

I hadn't thought of that. You'd say that all the time.

[Brady]

Wow.

[John Holmberg]

I really need to educate myself.

[Brady]

I'll look into that.

[John Holmberg]

Let me put some stuff in there and tap that brain. Oh, my God. I see what you're doing. Yeah. I just want to tie to it. And I don't even care if, like, she's like, just tell me you love Mondame. In the middle of blowing. Yes. Really gets me off. All right. Zohan. Zohan. I'd moan his name. What happened to us as a nation? As men. As men. You sell your soul for that kind of stuff? Yeah, we used to do it all the time. Whatever needs to happen. Back when this country was great, we used to do that.

[Brady]

I think they curb your enthusiasm episode. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Boning that Palestinian lady. And he's like. And she. She hated the Jews and. But she was really hot. That was. And he's 70 something years old. He's from a time when that was okay. His friends would yell at him, I can't believe you're doing this. He's like, it's good stuff. They tried to protest because she had a chicken restaurant. It was great when we were a great country. A great country. Not anymore. We act a fool all the time. The word. This one says, what if Dua Lipa started talking about how she's a Pratt fan? Well, if I don't deserve it, who does? That would be the next thing out of my mind. Where's your gavel? I'd start singing Going to the River. All right, buddy. And that relic would be. I'd get posters and put them up on the wall. If Dua Lipa wanted to blow me and talk about Pratt, I'd start promoting his worldwide pants star network or whatever the hell that thing is. I can. I can. Trust me. If Dua Lipa. He. She could talk me into it in seconds. Nothing.

[Brady]

Do you mind if we play some 311.

[John Holmberg]

Play it all day. Yeah. Taking an example for me. Take a. Love your money. Go with all charity. You're a really big fan. I am now. Whatever it takes. We just got to be smarter, that's all. Anyway, wars on tonight from. I think from five or six. They're trying to run it all day. It's a little heavy. It's like Big Brother. And they had those hidden cameras and they did 24 hours on short. There's a lot, but you can catch the gist of it from like 6:30 until about 9. But they got to step it up. The writing's gone south. So if this is playing in a background, you can get it up. Huh? Oh, no. Rocking on the river, baby. Oh, is that it? Oh, yeah. All right, buddy. I'd like to blow you, John. To the sounds of Rocking on the river by that decrepit old tool Dave Pratt. Okay. Oh, my God. God, that's bad. He never wrote any of those either. My friend Marty used to write some of that stuff. You're not doing any. He didn't sing it. He didn't play any instruments. He didn't write any of it. But if DUA wanted to hear it. Okay. All right. Take off a red panties, all right, bud? I'm Rob Trigg. You want to watch? I'm nothing but a in life. Might as well. Anyway, at 6:25, the word for 6:00 clock is death 48. You can put that in in your app or you can do it on the website 98kupd.com. We need that Wake up song. That's your job now. 5859-800. You do that and we'll get that Wake up song ready and we'll scream it together. It's 98 Kup. Wake up. It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership feed. I have heard enough of this. It's John Holberg here from the morning sickness. Time to talk about TV's Doug Hopkins of My Home Group and Doug Hopkins dot com. Another satisfied listener called TV's Doug Hopkins and sold her home for cash. She reached out. Her name's Ashley. And Doug wants to make it simple. Buy your house for cash as is. You don't have to do anything. Just like Ashley, no strings attached. If he moves that price, you get $5,000. Want to sell that place? Start the process online@doug hopkins.com or grab the phone and up sign sing. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game well. With the name your price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try [e-mail] Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates Price and coverage match limited by state law not available in all states.