03-05-26 - CONDENSED SHORT SHOW - THURSDAY - Holmbergs Morning Sickness 98 KUPD

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness 98KUPD

Episode: 03-05-26 - Condensed Short Show - Thursday
Date: March 5, 2026

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Episode Overview

This condensed episode of Holmberg’s Morning Sickness is a fast-paced blend of candid humor, irreverent banter, and trademark commentary on everyday life, media absurdities, and the quirks of human and animal behavior. The crew navigates topics from detached retinas and age gaps in relationships, to war coverage on cable news, monkey social exile, and the dangers (and bulletproof-ness) of 3D-printed homes. The show memorializes Lou Holtz with comic impressions and wraps with a wild discussion about Sawzall sex swing videos and how viewers relate (or don’t) to classic TV and movies.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Health Scares & Detached Retinas

00:03 – 06:12

• Brett shares an email about a listener's detached retina, sparking a discussion about stress, injuries, and the randomness of eye issues.
• Brett relates his own experience: isolating after surgery to avoid dogs and family distractions, underscoring the seriousness of the condition.
• The conversation turns serious:

  “Go get your eye checked. It’s not worth it to play around. It doesn’t hurt. … You don’t even know you’re getting something wrong.” – Brett [02:47]

• Eye health is presented as underappreciated; annual checkups are recommended, especially for people with stress or high blood pressure.
• The group digs into how aging impacts activity and resilience, with Brett rebuffing naysayers:

  “Usually it’s somebody who’s shaped like a potato or a Russian doll. … No, they’re behind you. … I have a pulled muscle from activity. It’s not because I’m broken.” – Brett [04:45]

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2. Media Reactions to War & Political Satire

06:13 – 13:20

• The hosts riff on media coverage of the latest military action. Brett lampoons Fox’s “war porn” coverage and contrasts it with CNN’s and MSNBC’s emotional takes.
• Memorable segment: recounting Sean Hannity’s gleeful tone:

  “We killed Soleimani twice in one day. We’ll be right back.” – Brett paraphrasing Hannity [09:44]

• They joke about the chaos in Iran’s leadership and riff on the absurdity of being offered the next "Ayatollah" job, blending sports references:

  “I'd rather be ayatollah than coach your crap, crap team. Are you sure? We'll pay you 8 million a year.” – Brett (as a Cardinals reference) [12:19]

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3. Relationships, Menopause & Age Gaps

13:23 – 22:28

• Email from “Vince” about his wife’s drastic personality change during menopause opens a discussion on menopause’s impact on relationships.
• Brett and the crew joke about trading older spouses for much younger partners and the generational divide:

  “Young girls are like mail order brides now. … Our equal stupidity matches.” – Brett [15:31]

• Bill Belichick’s relationship is lauded comically as inspirational for wide age gaps.
• Brett recaps stories of friends using mail-order brides:

  "We knew a dude who did it. Name was Charlie. ... is she 12 or 35?... She doesn’t speak the language. Charlie.” [17:23]

• Parental reactions and generational shifts are mixed with humor around social and cultural gaps.

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4. Monkey Social Dynamics & Human Projection

21:46 – 26:39

• Viral story about a monkey, “Punch,” being ostracized and given a stuffed animal sparks a biting analogy about how society treats outcasts.
• Brett challenges the tendency to sentimentalize animal stories:

  “I'm the only person on the planet that's calling for the death of Punch the monkey. … I think he needs to be euthanized. … Maybe he's the Jared Fogel of monkeys…” – Brett [23:26]

• The team draws sharp comparisons between animal outcasts getting attention and people being shunned for legitimate reasons.

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5. Kids' Social Status & Unpopular Birthday Parties

26:41 – 30:02

• Remembering a viral local story about a Tucson kid whose mom lamented that no one came to his birthday party.
• Brett and crew flip the usual narrative:

  "If nobody shows up to your birthday party, it's not them, it's you. … You can be seven and an asshole.” – Brett [27:14]

• The takeaway: social signals in childhood matter—and the group skewers the overprotective adult reaction.

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6. Remembering Lou Holtz – Impressions & Legacy

30:06 – 34:47

• Lou Holtz’s passing prompts a round of playful impersonations and storytelling, with Brett, Chris, and others improvising as Holtz and lampooning college football's underbelly:

  “I recruited illegally, constantly, and then praised Jesus for our wins…and now I’m burning an eternity for it.” – Chris as Holtz [31:31]

• They lampoon Notre Dame’s recruiting and the hypocrisy in college sports.

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7. 3D-Printed Bulletproof Homes in California

35:04 – 41:38

• News of California’s 3D printed, “bulletproof” homes—costing less and supposedly safer—spawns a debate about building materials and American neighborhoods.
• Brett is skeptical about advertising bulletproof homes:

  "Careful telling people your house is bulletproof…just encourages people to prove it." – Brett [36:27]

• The group proposes testing homes with AR-15s and muses on what “bulletproof” really means, inevitably joking about suburban firefights.

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8. Sawzall Sex Swings and “Somebody’s Grandma”

41:38 – 45:45

• The show closes with Brett describing a viral video involving a Sawzall-powered sex swing, launching a tangent on how modern viral moments might one day involve someone’s grandmother.

  “She was suspended above a stage with a Sawzall dildo…And then she’ll turn 35, then 45, then 55, and bouncing on her knee will be a future little Brayden.” – Brett [43:06]

• The segment turns into a riff about generational lore, shocking tales, and what truly qualifies as “family stories.”

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9. TV & Movie Blind Spots – The Dale Quiz

45:48 – End

• The crew discovers that Dale hasn’t seen classic shows like The Sopranos or The Godfather, leading to a mock-intervention and teasing over his viewing preferences:

  “You weren’t allowed…the language. … Your wife wouldn’t let you watch the Sopranos?” – Brett [46:24]

• Dale’s admission he prefers “American Idol” and “Cheers” provokes more incredulity and laughs.
• The conversation devolves into playful insults, generational comedy, and incredulity over Dale’s avoidance of “edgy” media.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On aging and activity:

  “If you stop doing stuff, you lose the ability to do it. So next time you try, it’s gonna hurt you… It’s because you stopped.” — Brett [05:23]

• On media coverage of war:

  “Those lesbians are super emotional. Even the boy lesbians that they have hosting, wildly emotional.” — Brett (on MSNBC) [08:24] “Iran is the knight from Monty Python right now. … ‘You will pay for this!’” — Brett [10:24]

• On menopause and generational relationships:

  “I’ll be dead before she starts menopause. This is a huge win for me.” — Email from Vince, read by Brett [15:38]

• On societal reactions to unpopular kids:

  “If nobody shows up to your birthday party, it’s not them, it’s you. … that’s a litmus test.” — Brett [27:14]

• On animal empathy:

  “We do that with all animals, but like orphans, we ignore the hell out of those things.” — Brett [25:41]

• On bulletproof houses:

  “Don't tell people your house is bulletproof…I'm gonna shoot a bullet at it.” — Brett [36:47]

• On unforgettable viral moments:

  “That’s somebody’s grandma. That’s someone’s baboo. … Think about that every time you watch one of Brett’s videos.” — Brett [45:11]

• On TV preferences:

  “[Sopranos] is legendary. … Were you kidnapped by aliens for a decade? What in the world?” — Brett [48:19]

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Important Timestamps

• [00:03] Eye health and detached retina email
• [06:13] Media coverage of war & satire of Iran crisis
• [13:23] Menopause, marriage, and age-gap relationships
• [21:46] Monkey "Punch" and outcast analogies
• [26:41] Kids’ birthday party, social hierarchy & tough love
• [30:06] Lou Holtz tribute: Impressions and college football culture
• [35:04] 3D-printed, bulletproof homes debate
• [41:38] The Sawzall sex swing saga and generational shock
• [45:48] Dale admits not watching Sopranos/Godfather, group ribbing

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Tone & Style

The episode maintains an edgy, no-holds-barred style with quick-fire wit, relentless ribbing among the crew, and sharp satire applied to everything from medical woes to world affairs and the everyday ridiculous. If irreverence, breakneck banter, and boundary-pushing analogies are your flavor, this is essential listening (or summarizing).

Perfect for: Listeners who appreciate or miss radio’s wild west years; fans of candid, “did they just say that?” morning comedy.

Transcript

[Dale]

Holmberg's morning sickness.

[Brett]

The old method of treatment for a person in this condition was to throw him in jail. We'll get into all the things that are going on, but I just got this email from a guy and I am hyper focused on this kind of stuff right now. This is driving me bananas. But it says, I like an email that starts this way. This reminds me of my family. Hey, Holmberg, you. Last Sunday, I was leaving my side hustle and I dropped my keys. Now, keep in mind, here I am, 6ft 3, 195 pounds. I'm a chiseled statue of a man. And I'm saying basically out loud that I take good care of myself. I don't have health problems. Sure. The occasional pulled muscle or strain or whatever. That's because I'm doing stuff. I bent down very easily, by the way, to grab my keys. And when I stood up, I saw nothing but what I heard you describe a lava lamp in my left eye. Actually kind of cool. It is kind of cool when it happens. You're like, whoa, what's going on? And you get this weird tint of yellowish red that just. It's really odd. So I actually enjoyed. It was kind of cool. Well, I waited and went to the doctor the next day thinking, this isn't a big deal. Well, the doctor said, should have gotten here sooner. I got the surgery Monday evening, and I've been in a massage chair face down ever since. I have to do it for seven solid days. I don't know how you got through it. Detached retina. Brothers for life. I do not wish this on anyone. I'm only three days in. Here we go, David. Yeah, it's. The scary thing is it's kind of a common problem. And every doctor will tell you, yeah, you just got lucky.

[Chris]

You've had.

[Brett]

You probably had an injury when you were a kid or don't know it. I mean, stress can play a major role in this. It's like. And everybody's got stress at some point or another. We're all humping it for the man. And sometimes you don't want to look at the. The day ahead of you or your miserable wife or husband is just dragging you down. Or the God forbid you've got those God damn diseases running all over the house. You named them. It's little Haley and Hannah and Braden. And they're dancing all over the house and making a mess of things. And you got a college. Your eye can pop.

[Brady]

Talon and Falcon.

[Brett]

Worse still, you got their friends coming over and those little miserable Mop headed pricks that comb your hair, you ugly little. And then your eye blows up. I can't imagine what it would have been like if I had a Hannah Talon and Braden in the house. And I was trying to stay face down. I went and isolated myself at a different location just because of the dogs. Like, I knew they'd be driving me nuts or I'd get up and do stuff I shouldn't do. And so I just went to a place with no distractions because I knew it was going to be tough.

[Brady]

You're face down, they start licking your eyes.

[Brett]

Beyond that, well, they're running up and bouncing on you. Or that I would have done something like, okay, the dogs are barking, I got to go tell them to shut up. Or, you know, and you get up and you do something you shouldn't do. I'm with you, buddy. Sorry about that. I'm sorry you're going through that. It is no fun and everybody again, I just keep, I'm harping on it because I'm hyper focused about it right now, but Dr. J. Schwartz is offering up a free consultation. Go get your eye checked. It's. It's not worth it to play around. It doesn't hurt. You don't even know you're getting. You don't even know you're getting something wrong.

[Brady]

So on that checkup of the eyes, can they tell like, oh, this is getting ready to.

[Brett]

Oh, sure. They'll look in and see if you've got a slight tear, if you're susceptible, but, or, but if you get it, you sometimes can't. I'm telling you, if you've got floaties, more than normal and everything else, just go get looked at. It's it. We always say, like, that's one. That you should probably just go every year or so and just go, how's this thing going? Pressure in your eyes? Especially like if you've got, you know, issues with stress or blood pressure or anything else, just go, just go look. Because that's, it's weird. Your eyes take. So when I was reading about it, your eyes take on so much pressure just bending down. Once you bend wrong, your eyes eat all the blood and you don't even know it. You would never know. But there's a ton of pressure on your eyes when you're doing stuff.

[Eric]

There's a build up over time. Like, you know, we're used to, you know, like wreck on a mountain bike when you used to go boxing with Ray and all that kind of stuff. Okay.

[Brett]

Trauma, injury. If you've ever had. If you've had Lasik in the past, you're more susceptible to things going so. Or, you know, I had that cataract surgery that bumps your chances up. So I was. I was ripe, baby.

[Brady]

You got a little fired up the other day because you're talking about. Some people have come up to you and said, hey, no more boxing.

[Brett]

That's true of everything I've ever got to be.

[Brady]

I mean, I can understand where they're coming from.

[Brett]

I can't. I know the people that always say that every. Every time I have had something. You know, if you injure yourself at all.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Brett]

A lazy will tell you, you gotta stop doing that. You're too old now. I'm like, I don't want to hear from you. And usually it's somebody who's shaped like a potato or a Russian doll. Hey, those days are behind you. Like. No, they're behind you. I have a pulled muscle from activity. It's not because I'm broken. I used to pull muscles a lot more in my 20s. I. I broken ankles and I get out and nobody ever said you'd probably stop playing basketball. You're 24 now. It's because all my friends were active too. Now I run into a bunch of old fat losers that sit and tell you everything's wrong with you because they don't do it. It's all. It's all their insecurities barking at you. You can do whatever you want. You won't be as good at it. I always say that.

[Eric]

Yeah.

[Brett]

The tactical black Jay is. I think Jay Ackerman is 94 years old. I'm not sure. He's a very. Dude is active and it's strong. He's like, if you stop doing stuff, you. You lose the ability to do it. So next time you try, it's going to hurt you. Like, all those days are behind me. It's because you stopped.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Megan used to do that silver sneakers thing. And there were women who were there with walkers.

[Chris]

I haven't done any activity for 20 years.

[Brett]

And they'd go and they'd been within, like, three weeks. They didn't need their walker anymore because you just get back in there and you get back on the. Your dick's the same, your brain's the same, your body's the same. If you stop using it, it stops working.

[Dale]

Sickness.

[Brett]

Did you guys check out war last night?

[Dale]

No.

[Brett]

Oh, it's so good. Last night was so good.

[Dale]

So good.

[Eric]

Did you get your sub Sub action?

[Brett]

Did I get my sub Action. Okay. Fox News showed War, a Donald Trump production last night. I'm watching Fox's coverage. Sean Hannity is borderline, like an entire hour show where he should just go boom, bang. Like all they do like to play by play. No, it's not even play by play. It's just in a split screen. Next to him is all the Pentagon released videos of us blowing things up. It's a, it's a fever dream for a immature child like me. All of it. And the cool part is it's all like night vision planes on a Runway and one of them starts driving and then you see a weird little dot and it blows up. And Hannity on the other screen, real, oh, it's awesome. Hannity's on the other screen and he's

[Chris]

like, Jasmine Crockett's an asshole.

[Brett]

I'm like, yes. He's like, he's not even talking about what's going on over there. This is the best. And then so they're doing that and they are loving every second of war. And then the other thing they had on CNN last night, which was a great plot twist in war, they had a host on there and he's talking, remember General Wesley Clark? He was part of a lot of the, the original Desert Storm and then a bunch of stuff early. And he ran for president once and didn't do well because he's kind of soft spoken. But he's a general, he's been around blocking all this stuff. And the CNN guy's sitting there going, ah, he's war act and blah, blah, blah, Congress, yada, yada, yada. And Wesley's at the end, he's like, yeah, we got a lot, got a lot going on here. And, and this is a, this is a war we should have done a long time ago. The host, CNN's like, boing. What? Like he did not expect his guest to tell him, I love this. And he's like, you, you agree with this? And Wesley Clark's like, oh, we should have gotten these guys years ago. Like, this is great. I, I, I agree completely with this whole thing. Well, thanks for joining us, Wesley Clark. We'll be right here. Like, oh, they couldn't wait to get, like he did not fit what they were trying to talk about. Flipped over to MSNBC. Ms. Now. Yeah, yeah, Ms. Now. And they had one of their lesbians was interviewing Mark Kelly, the, the very msnbc, I don't know if you're watching this is hedging their bets that this war is a disaster for us. And they're they're setting the table like, this is the worst thing that's ever happened to America. That's what they do over there. Those lesbians are super emotional. Even the boy lesbians that they have hosting, wildly emotional. And they had Mark Kelly on, and he's doing it, too. If this turns out to be a success at all or if this goes well, Ms. Now's going away. They are. They're putting all their chips on the table that this is the end of us. The gamble. They had Jen Pataki or whatever her name is. She basically starts, like, shaking. Everything's a. I'm shaking my head at that. You believe we 80. Sri Lanka says they pulled 80 Iranian soldiers out of the water and 80 more are dead. Shaking her head like, can you believe we're just killing people? Turn over to Fox. 80 guys are dead. Like, I wish headsest would have gone through and gotten the ones in the water. Sean Hannity even said that the boat we blew up yesterday was called the Solemani, which was one of their guys. That was a big deal. And Hannity said, just like the namesake, it was shot and killed. It was a boat. He's talking about a boat. And he goes, so we got them both. We killed Soleimani twice in one day. We'll be right back. And he was like, half smiling. And then he had a congressman on that said, I'm not for death, but I hope the Ayatollah will rest in pieces. And then they laughed like that was a joke that they were like, for they were dying.

[Dale]

Great one.

[Brett]

Great stuff. Ms. Nows on the other end, they're pissed at everything. And then. And then they started to talk about who the new ayatollah is going to be. And I started laughing because I'm like, you imagine if I. Brett, you got that? I don't even know how they're making calls. Essentially, Iran is the night from Monty Python right now. Because everything I call for the blood of Donald Trump. Like, all right, you're nothing but a stump. Your arms off. Yeah. No, it's not flesh wound. We will eat at the heart of the American. You will. You will pay for this.

[Brady]

I will kick you, sissy.

[Brett]

First off, who gave you the phone? And who are you? I am 52nd in charge.

[Dale]

Oh.

[Brett]

Oh. Real go getter. And he starts screaming, I want the blood of Trump and America will rule the dead ever toyed with the Persian powers of Iran. Like, you got, like, three weeks to live, maybe. And we control the scout. We're flying planes over just for Fun now. And I challenge you to a duel. You've got no arms. So that's what they are. But they're calling. They're like, they think that this guy's going to be there. They've convened and they said, we're pretty sure we got a new ayatollah coming. You imagine that phone ringing? Oh, I got to give you the six o' clock word. You're right, Brad. It's burn. Burn is the word for 6am which is what they're gonna do over there. We're gonna burn them.

[Dale]

Burn it down.

[Brett]

So, yeah, that phone call comes and you're like. Hello? Is this it? Is. Where are you? Who's calling? I don't like to give my location right now. Oh, no, no, no. It's friend. Hey, who wants to be ayatollah? Are you giving me the job? Yes. You're next in line if you want it. If I say yes, what will happen? Hello? Hello? God damn it. They blew him up, too. They want to give it to the son of the old ayatollah. I thought he had it. He does. So. Okay, but it's not official. But that dude doesn't want that. Nobody wants. That's like. No, he's 12. Hello there. Are you listening? Who is this? That's Michael Bidwell of the Cardinals. No, no, no. I'll take the Ayatollah, John. I'd rather be ayatollah than coach your crap, crap team. Are you sure? We'll pay you 8 million a year.

[Chris]

The average coach in the league is making 20.

[Dale]

What do you think?

[Brett]

You're not gonna get anybody good like this. It's better than being ayatollah. It's a toss up, Michael. I think I'll brave Ayatollah Ing rather than coach. Who do you even have for quarterback? What do you think? You have no plan. But I don't think you have a plan, either. Oh, yeah? We have a better plan. At least we have some offense.

[Brady]

I get free shoes.

[Brett]

Yeah, I don't even. I don't even need a shoe contract. I just.

[Dale]

Come on.

[Brett]

You're crazy calling me right now. You think anybody wants this job? All right, well, enjoy being the ayatollah. Or maybe I won't enjoy it, but it's a lot better than your job. So go. Go f yourself, Michael Bidwell. Anyway, war was great last night. Really good. Ah, the blood of Trump will blame. Yeah, okay, okay. You have no arms or legs. You will see. We will get you.

[Dale]

Holmberg's morning sickness.

[Brett]

Check this out. And yesterday we got some people madness about the. The menopause top. Well, it was that one lady and her name was Karen. So, you know, what are you gonna do? It says, my wife and I divorced seven years ago, John. She was terrorizing me during her menopause. Hateful woman. She started taking swings at me. Purposefully missing, but still taking swings at me. The doctor that emailed yesterday was 100% right after I left, and I felt bad about leaving her in that condition. She got married a year later, divorced that guy, and she got engaged after, and that guy left her. The second guy, her latest victim, called me and said, how the hell did you put up with that for 23 years? The answer is simple. She wasn't like that for the first 20. But the doctor that said that's her personality now is right. Her new personality is whatever that insane demon is that possessed her. I'm convinced possession in biblical days was simply menopause. They didn't know what it was. My new girlfriend is 28. I'm 57. Well, let's just start there. How'd you do that? I look great, but she is a blast. She's stupid, but she thinks I'm stupid too. The things we don't know, each of us don't know together. I don't know anything about what's happening in her world online. And she. She celebrates stuff I've never heard of. It's like dating a girl from China. But you don't have to order out for that anymore. Young girls are like mail order brides now. They have totally different worlds. They live in our equal stupidity matches. She teaches me her world, and I teach her a world that once was. And I'll be dead before she starts menopause. This is a huge win for me, Vince. Yeah, that's a Good point. You're 30 years ahead of her. There's no possible way that menopause affects you again. Genius. Now, my guess is she's gonna want a different life in about four years. She turns 30 and looks around and goes, this 60 year old man is crapping himself and acting stupid a lot. He watches way too much Antiques Roadshow for my taste.

[Brady]

Tick tock.

[Brett]

And she's in there doing tick tock dances with a ring light. You're like, well, you shut that ring light on. It hurts my cataracts. But hey, ride it while it's in front of you.

[Eric]

Hey, Belichick can do it. This guy can do it.

[Brett]

Belichick is an inspiration. That Dude's pulling a 50 year age gap.

[Brady]

Pioneer.

[Brett]

He is a pioneer. Nobody, I don't think anybody in the history of man has had a 50 year age gap and still been functional. There's been 50 year age gaps, but most of the time that dude's in a hospital bed and there's some hot model leaning in like, I'm in on this. Like, we know what you're doing. Belichick still walks around. He's got a job. He's smiling, she's smiling. Nobody can figure it out. The man's an inspiration. He's an inspiration to all men and women, all of them. That's going to make that Karen lady that emailed yesterday furious.

[Eric]

She's right. The smoke's already coming off her keyboard right now.

[Brett]

Oh, yes, she's firing off. All those letters have worn out. Yeah, she's got to memorize the core team. She doesn't need that anymore. She's just got 67 black dots on a box and she's hitting all of them perfectly.

[Chris]

One other thing you said about menopausal

[Brett]

women, like, here we go. But that dude's wife three times. Divorced her after 23 years. I can't. Can't put up with anymore. You're gonna take swings at me. I gotta go.

[Chris]

You don't know what I'm going through.

[Brett]

Well, you're right, I don't. And then gets married again. That guy's out in a year. He's not tolerating. And then gets a gay guy. She must be pretty good looking because in seven years time, she not only got married again, she got divorced there too. And then engaged again. Because she's crazy. And they're a lot of fun.

[Eric]

Aren't they all?

[Brett]

Well, yeah, you got that. But this dude's right. You get one of them tick tock influencers, starts moving around, saying things you don't understand, like, what the hell is a huncho?

[Chris]

He's like the greatest singer ever.

[Brady]

Hunt Huncho.

[Chris]

Okay, low key, let me plan for you. Low key.

[Brett]

I don't know what you're saying. I don't even know if it's the same language. But it's no different than what guys used to do when they get fed up with wives and just order some Asian lady to show up. Barely speaks a language. We knew a dude who did it. Name was Charlie. Very successful man in this city. All of a sudden, Charlie started, showed up with some Vietnamese lady, go to dinner with her, and you had to act like it was normal. Is this all right? Is she 12 or 35. I can't. Oh, you never know these people. Look, she can hear us, huh? Does she have any idea what we're saying? Nope. And our old boss, Chuck, was friends with him, and he was a wild bigot. I heard him on the phone once. Go. Well, go out to dinner. That's just you and me and a sweet Mary, my wife and that you sent over. That the slant you're going to bring to dinner? That's my wife, Chuck. She doesn't speak the language. Charlie.

[Brady]

He's got a new geisha.

[Brett]

He's got this new. Running around in her big block shoes, putting all that kabuki makeup on and serving him. Evidently just blowing them till the cows come home. Sounds pretty good to me, Chuck. Oh, they don't have anything to talk about. Yeah, I know. That sounds. That sounds better. You don't want to talk to him. She just wants to blow them all the time. Time. I know.

[Dale]

Torture.

[Brett]

Sounds awful. What do you pay for that? Oh, 400 grand. Like, good Christ, she showed up. They stayed together for a long time.

[Eric]

Still there, or did she bounce like your buddy?

[Brett]

He's got to be dead. He's probably dead, but he had two in our. Yeah, he bumped. Yeah, he dropped one of them and then the second one showed up and they were together till the end, I think.

[Eric]

Didn't you have a buddy that did that?

[Brett]

Yeah, I had a friend, but he was in his late 20s and he gave up early and he ordered one up, but he ordered another one.

[Brady]

Got stung.

[Brett]

Well, it was 10. Well, I was him. That was Ronson. It was 10 grand for the girl to come over, and then 90 days is all. She stayed. But he didn't know that.

[Brady]

There's a dude at the arena that. I knew that.

[Brett]

Yeah. Never seen anything like it, though. Went to his house. He still lived with his parents, for God's sakes.

[Brady]

They're in the basement.

[Brett]

No, they're in a bedroom in the regular ranch style home in Gilbert. Across the hall was mom and dad and Quan Lee and Ronson live together. And I'd go over there and she's mowing the grass barefoot.

[Brady]

Dream setup.

[Brett]

Mowing the grass barefoot. Which my dad would have lost his mind. Gonna cut your feet off. Like, how bad do you think I am at this? I don't ever get in front of it.

[Eric]

Don't screw up my tiff.

[Brett]

Grass. Oh, that was a constant. You're gonna cut your goddamn feet off. Like, dad, I'm behind it. I don't like this. Put some shoes on. You think Shoes are gonna stop that blade. Ah, you're a smart ass. I'm like, whatever. I go over there and Quan Lee's in a bikini mowing the grass. And the parents of Ronson at first were like, I can't believe you're 26 years old. You're already giving up on finding a lady. You're buying one, you save $10,000. She showed up, and all of a sudden the dad was like, this is good stuff. You guys can live here forever. She's doing cooking every day and doing laundry. Laundry. She was. I went over there the one time after she was mowing the grass. Another time I went over, she had taken all of the cushions off the couches. All the. She was. Had them in the backyard. She was cleaning the couch.

[Brady]

It's amazing.

[Brett]

She had taken it apart.

[Eric]

Ancient Chinese secret.

[Brett]

And then the brother Jeffrey, who was a. Trying to be a pro bowler, he's like, I'm in on this. And then he ordered one light starch, Quan. And that's when we found out that after 90 days, they get their. They get some sort of paperwork that allows them to leave again and they can be free. She was beautiful. So while his brothers was flying over, Ronson's disappeared like Nancy Guthrie. And I don't think they ever found her. So the other one showed up, and the dad's like, well, let's not look a gift horse in the mouth. We know we got 90 good days with her. And she showed up and did the exact same laundry.

[Brady]

She did our nails.

[Brett]

Yeah. No, she was on day 90.

[Eric]

She was gone too.

[Brett]

Yeah, they both were gone. Well, that was the setup. Yeah.

[Eric]

How much did it cost him?

[Brett]

10 grand in 1995.

[Eric]

A lot of money for 90.

[Brett]

He was probably 23 or 4, now that I think about.

[Eric]

He get 10 GS for that?

[Brett]

He's saving money at Tony Romas.

[Eric]

Wow.

[Dale]

Holmberg's morning sickness.

[Brett]

You guys seen that monkey in. I don't know where it is. China or something. All the other monkeys kicked it out and it gave.

[Brady]

They gave him a stuffed animal.

[Brett]

That stuffed animal and other stuffed animals selling off the shelves and stuff like that. Yeah.

[Brady]

At ikea.

[Eric]

Yeah.

[Brett]

We don't do that for people.

[Eric]

Sell them off the shelves.

[Brett]

No, no. Like, what if that monkey's just an asshole? And all the other monkeys got together and said, that's enough. But we feel sorry for him. But if you see a dude just walking around alone and nobody wants to talk to him, you don't give him a stuffy and start filming him. And saying how cute he is. Why do we do that for animals? I don't know the name of that thing, but even then, I did this.

[Brady]

I forgot the.

[Brett]

Did you see the story with the little stuff? He announced it, becoming this Internet sensation. He's so cute. And then another monkey gave him a second chance. Punch.

[Brady]

Punch.

[Brett]

There it is.

[Brady]

Yeah, Punchy.

[Brett]

Another monkey gave him a second chance. And then he's like, nah, this guy's an asshole. And he was alone again. And we're like, oh, all the other monkeys are jerks. I'm like, no, they're probably right. Like, it's not a phrase I say 20 monkeys can't be wrong. If they're kicking them out, there's gotta be a reason. There's. He's got to be like. Like, maybe he's the Kevin Spacey of monkeys. Or. Or the rapey. Yeah, maybe he's the Jared Fogel of monkeys. And he touches the young monkeys. And everybody's like, we got to kick him out of society. We do it constantly. We've got buildings specifically built to kick people out of society. We get involved in the zoo, and we act like, no, it's. He's got to be adorable. He's getting special treatment.

[Brady]

He's getting drug around for a while.

[Brett]

I'm the only person on the planet that's calling for the death of Punch the monkey. I think that everybody else wants it to be some cute story. I think he needs to be euthanized. He's adapt or get out. And the whole monkey group and I don't know what you call a gaggle of monkeys. Crew.

[Eric]

The crew.

[Brett]

The crew.

[Brady]

It's a gang of macaques.

[Brett]

Yeah, it's a macaque gang.

[Chris]

I don't know.

[Brett]

But they said, that's enough. And then all of a sudden. So we just encouraged more monkeys to act like assholes because they see that the trainers give them extra attention and they get toys. And so if I was a monkey and I'm looking at that, I'm like, well, screw this. What am I doing in the gang? Might as well run over here and be an independent monkey that gets tons of tribe. It's a troop of monkeys, all right? Gonna wander over here with punch and get free stuff from the humans who think it's cute that I'm a dick. I knew it was like, at first. First they just. Oh, they've abandoned him. They won't accept him into their group. And I'm like, what do you do? Well, it doesn't matter. Yes, it does is what we do with people. If, you know, you fire a guy who acts like a dick. We've done it. That's enough. You cast him out. You know, on the way out, Trip doesn't go, all right, here's your stuffed animal and a cute ring camera so we can film you being adorable and unwanted.

[Brady]

Well, if this makes you any happier, Punch is outgrowing his plushie.

[Brett]

He's starting to rip it up and he's a dick.

[Brady]

Starting to say, I'm done with this.

[Brett]

Punch is a dick. Punches an Irish monkey. Eventually you get tired of it. Is Punch here? Yeah, he's ripping up the money. That's a gift. Is he tearing that monkey up? I'll give him one more.

[Chris]

That's it.

[Brett]

If he rips that monkey up, he's out. You know what's going to happen? The cute Punch, the monkey is going to tear the face off of a baby monkey or something. Everybody's. What happened? Like, no, you guys were nice to the monkey we put up. We needed to put him down.

[Brady]

Well, it's just like, you know, for a while he believed in that monkey, that this was his real, you know.

[Brett]

Yeah. Brady, there's a reason.

[Brady]

Wait a minute.

[Brett]

This thing's not working. The other monkeys hated him so much. Even in a zoo, he had to go stand alone. We do that with all animals, but like orphans, we ignore the hell out of those things.

[Brady]

Like, well, you know, they hate seeing it. It's tough in the wild. In the wild that, you know, Punch is gone.

[Brett]

You see a veteran walking around by himself, nobody will talk to him. You're like, probably deserves it. Nobody's giving him a stuffed animal.

[Brady]

Maybe that's what we should start doing.

[Brett]

No, we're right to do it the way we've been doing it, Brady. You don't start handing them gifts. They keep showing up.

[Brady]

They get other gifts, drugs and.

[Brett]

Right. And then they show up at your door. Hey, man, remember that time you gave me some money?

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Brett]

That was a one time deal.

[Dale]

Open the door.

[Brett]

Great. Turns out that guy was an asshole. You cast out those members of society and those apes tried to do it. And the zookeepers, like, he's still sticking around. Yeah. You get him out of there. You get him out of there.

[Eric]

All right, we gotta change the subject.

[Brett]

The emails are crazy. I know. They're crazy. People are terrible. So the human version of that little monkey nobody liked was that kid from Tucson. Remember when his mom exploited him for son's tickets when nobody came to his giant birthday party?

[Chris]

Yeah.

[Brady]

And she posts that picture.

[Brett]

But the picture. Well, she'd also. If we. We ran that through the BS meters. She had, like, nine pizzas ordered. No one showed up. But two of the pizza.

[Brady]

Go ahead and order them anyway.

[Brett]

Two of the pizza tins were empty. That's. They were hammering some pizza.

[Brady]

Like there's no need to order the app.

[Brett]

Of course not. Then he had to stand next to. And she had passed out all the plates, set up the table, cake. And then her kids stood there sad, like nobody showed up to Tommy's birthday. And who was the first and only station in all the media to go, maybe Tommy's an asshole. This is a good life lesson for him.

[Eric]

Peter Piper's not that expensive.

[Brett]

Exactly. If nobody shows up to your birthday party, it's not them, it's you. And you can be seven and an asshole. It's my seventh birthday party, and she put that all these other kids are mean and no, your kid is something wrong with him. That's a litmus test for where he stands socially. If no kids showed up. Even the parents didn't force their kids. You got to show up to Tommy's birthday. I know you don't like him. It's five minutes. It's part of life. You got to do things you don't want to do sometimes. I don't want to hear it from nobody went to his birthday party. That's on your kid. Your kid's a dick. If Brett had a birthday party and no one showed up, I guarantee you your. Your folks wouldn't have questioned the other kids. The hell's wrong with our boy?

[Eric]

Yeah, we had some kind of dick or something.

[Brett]

You're driving home. Your mom would have been like, I don't know.

[Chris]

Maybe he's an.

[Brett]

I think that's how your mom sounded.

[Chris]

It looks like we're raising an Here, Kurt. Oh, that's our son.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Eric]

That's 100.

[Brett]

He's an.

[Chris]

I just spent 85 on six pizzas. Ain't nobody showed up. My boy's animal.

[Brady]

Maybe he's a little light in the low.

[Brett]

Could be queer.

[Chris]

Then the queers would have showed up. Not even the twinks came by. This kid's an asshole.

[Brady]

I don't know.

[Eric]

That's exactly what would have happened.

[Dale]

That's what.

[Brett]

My parents would have been in the car. My car. My drive would have been quiet. My mom would have been like, it's all right, Sean. My dad went like, don't. It's not all right. We got a lot of problems. We'll talk about it when we get home. It would have been quiet until my dad had assessed the situation and then walked into my room and done that weird thing.

[Dale]

You gay?

[Brett]

No. Jesus. All right. Why are you an. Then what are you doing? Why doesn't anybody like you?

[Eric]

Even Stebbings didn't show up.

[Brett]

Even Mark didn't show up. And he seems to like you. I don't know. Daddy seems to get along with the other kids.

[Eric]

All right.

[Brett]

I don't need some school shooter walking around the house.

[Brady]

Shows a bad day.

[Brett]

Yeah, we. No, no, no, no, no.

[Dale]

You're.

[Brett]

You're. Let me see your notebook. Are you writing manifestos? My dad would have been all over that.

[Brady]

So many people with their axes in their head.

[Brett]

Yeah. If you've got a kid and it's. And punch the monkey and you go.

[Chris]

That's just like when Jeffrey was a

[Brett]

boy and we had parties and no one came. If you invite eight and two show up, you got an asshole, you got an Unlike kid.

[Dale]

UPD Homburg's morning sickness.

[Brett]

And we also have to say before we get to the Wake up song so long to a show regular, we haven't been on for a while, but we lost a gem, the great Lou Holtz, who went into hospice a few weeks ago, and we memorialized him in the squares. Lou Holtz gone. And as an adult, an adult male who should no longer do this. I spent three hours last night sending voice memos as Lou Holtz to another person who does Lou Holtz impressions and yet another person who does Lou Holtz impressions. And we. We basically made fun of the man for about three hours back and forth on voice memos while I watched war in the background. It was a treat. And I want to say thanks to Frank Caliendo and Chuck Powell for the endless entertainment of Lou Holtz bashing as he went all the way from heaven and then went into the portal in heaven and transferred to hell to meet his most precious recruit, Muslim terrorist Raghee Bishmael. It was a long night, and it was a lot of fun.

[Chris]

It was a tribute to the great Lou Holtz. I surprised Brady. I didn't get into heaven. I'm down here with the bad boys. And it all comes from illegally recruiting just about everybody at Jesus favorite school, Notre Dame. I recruited illegally, constantly, and then praised

[Brett]

Jesus for our wins.

[Chris]

But I skirted the system and cheated the game like nobody else ever did. And then I praised the Lord afterwards,

[Brett]

and now I'm burning an eternity for it.

[Brady]

I had a buddy that won that bid on the auction is to golf with Lou Holtz.

[Brett]

Oh, yeah.

[Brady]

At. I forget what course it was. It was. It might have been the master's course or whatever. Holt would be ahead of him a whole. If he didn't keep up with him.

[Brett]

He just kept going.

[Brady]

He kept going even though he played to play with him.

[Brett]

Then pace up, man.

[Chris]

I just keep dragging anchor back there. Yeah, I gotta keep it up. I got another gang game to coach there if you guys want to just drag me down and keep back up. I'm not gonna do this all day. God damn it. Hit your shot and move. If I can give any.

[Brady]

Was amazing stories. Sure.

[Chris]

If I could give you any advice at all, it would be to take a few weeks off of golf and then quit. You're terrible at it. It took me two hours to get around.

[Brett]

What took you four hours to do.

[Chris]

Now that's just terrible.

[Brett]

Yeah. He was a different individual and incredibly pious about the Lord Jesus for a guy who cheated the system over and over and kept getting caught doing it.

[Chris]

Dad, I said you live your life for Jesus Christ. What's that? Give him a few hundred thousand dollars,

[Brett]

he'll come to Notre Dame anyway. Back to Jesus. He'd have thrived in this new system where you can actually pay the players. He was doing it back before you could. Under Touchdown Jesus. Statues.

[Chris]

Lord Jesus. If you could leak down a little money our way. There's a Samoan boy over there in Utah that would just finish up this line.

[Brett]

He makes me harder than a fourth and sixth conversion from inside the seven.

[Chris]

Good Christ.

[Brett]

That's a good looking Samoan.

[Chris]

You believe in Jesus, young man?

[Brett]

Yes, I do.

[Chris]

You believe in $100,000 to play for him over at Notre Dame University? Because that's what I can give you.

[Brett]

Christ.

[Chris]

Cash.

[Brett]

Anyway, so long, Lou. Enjoy your time down in the lake of fire. He was one of the biggest catalysts for the system being the way it is.

[Brady]

He was a champion.

[Brett]

That's right, he was. That's how you got. That's how you won championships back before this new system. You had to buy your players, otherwise you ain't getting anything.

[Chris]

But at least we didn't rape them like they did over at Penn State and Ohio State. And Michigan State and Iowa were free of rape charges. Puts us one up.

[Brady]

Michigan.

[Chris]

That's right.

[Brett]

Michigan as well. Oh, you go down the list, Brady.

[Chris]

But you know who's never on that list? Notre Dame. And didn't you like how Brady quickly threw Michigan in there when Ohio State rape claims came up? Had to get the foes in?

[Brady]

Well, just. It just came in a week ago.

[Chris]

That's right. Well, it was about the coach and that girl. But that's not a rape so much as. It was just inappropriate behavior.

[Brett]

Your guys raped people for about two decades and got away with it. Still getting away with it,

[Chris]

but because it's not about the rape or the victim.

[Brett]

It's about the pride in the school. Nobody will ever do a thing.

[Chris]

Notre Dame never raped nobody. Well, that's not true.

[Brett]

We were Catholics. I mean, we spent a good thousand and a half years doing that. So long, Lou. We'll miss you, buddy. Holmberg's morning sickness

[Dale]

upd Homburg's morning sickness.

[Brady]

In California, they rolled out the first 3D printed home. It's a market in Yuba county, which I believe is north of Sacramento. The first home took 24 days to build. It's a thousand square feet, cost $280,000. It comes out to about $50,000 lower than what the average home price is in that area.

[Brett]

You kind of did a little flex there. Like, you know, counties in California.

[Brady]

I had to look it up.

[Brett]

Yeah. I was gonna say it seemed like you reflection on us that you were a county expert, but I think we all know you looked it up.

[Brady]

I just. I didn't.

[Brett]

That's not a bad house.

[Brady]

No, it. The full bathrooms.

[Brett]

Yeah. And it's all, I think, you know,

[Brady]

a thousand square feet.

[Chris]

It's tiny.

[Brady]

Maybe two bedrooms.

[Brett]

It's the future.

[Brady]

Yeah. Here's the selling point too. The walls are bulletproof.

[Brett]

Well, yeah. You want that?

[Eric]

Because I'm in Compton next week.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Brett]

How many people need that? How bad is the neighborhood? Things that worked out when you were

[Brady]

doing the way we shot, when you

[Brett]

were working on your research for Yuba County. Would they have a high crime rate? That would like a selling point.

[Brady]

They put that on their list on top of, you know. Yeah. And no mold and also pretty fire retardant.

[Brett]

Hey, careful. Is is telling people your house is bulletproof because mine's brick, so it's bulletproof. It telling people your house is bulletproof. Just encourage people to prove it.

[Brady]

That's why I wanted to see where Yuba county was.

[Brett]

Well, I mean, if I told you right now, and it has pretty good there, Brady. It's also bulletproof, wouldn't you think?

[Brady]

Oh, cool.

[Brett]

I'm gonna shoot a bullet at it. Like even a good guy wants to find out. Yes, I'm shooting a house they start 3D printing in.

[Brady]

AJ.

[Brett]

Yeah, those things are going to be riddled with bullets. I mean, if I go home and Michael and Troyville. Michael and Troy have a team out inside of their house. And I'm like, what are you guys doing? Putting on new stucco? No, we're bulletproofing the house. Within a day or two, I'm taking a shot at the house. Oh, look at that.

[Eric]

It's right next to Marysville in Yuba City.

[Brett]

They have all sorts of Maryvales all over the. And they're all bad. Yeah. Don't tell people your house is bulletproof. It's. I'm. Oh, sacto.

[Brady]

Yeah, it's north of.

[Eric]

That's where Mark Randall lives, between Chico and Sacramento.

[Brett]

Yeah, I'm. I'm shooting at your house if you tell me it's bulletproof. My house is brick. It's bulletproof, right?

[Brady]

Yeah, it should be, but let's shoot it. What construction.

[Brett]

But I mean, I already know that.

[Brady]

Are they using that we aren't now.

[Brett]

Like Kevlar?

[Eric]

Yeah, apparently furious styles fiber and to.

[Brett]

Yeah. And to what degree Is it bulletproof? 50 cal.

[Brady]

Right.

[Brett]

Is my. Can I redo my stucco on my house? Yeah. I mean, I want to shoot that house. That's all I want. I don't care about the kitchen at all. What it'll be is, hey, my neighbor's a little sketchy. Can I. Hopkins has never once said this is a nice looking home. And it's also bulletproof. Like. Well, that doesn't sell me anymore. Why would we need to know that?

[Brady]

We'll take it.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Eric]

You don't buy houses in Maryville.

[Brett]

No. When he buys them. But he's not telling people they're bulletproof. That is crazy because how many houses are. I mean, most of the ones in Gilbert Mason. Yeah, Gilbert Mason, Chandler are not. But the old houses in Phoenix, Arcadia, Biltmore, the ones that are built out of block, those are bulletproof. That's what the three little pigs did. It's also wolf proof. This is a wolf proof.

[Eric]

This guy said, careful with bricks are not bulletproof. I've tried it.

[Brett]

I don't even want to. I got so many questions for that email. What do you mean you've tried it? Answer that. He shot his own brick home? I guess.

[Brady]

No, it would fracture the brick or something that maybe it goes through.

[Brett]

It's pretty bulletproof. The windows aren't. But my house is fairly bulletproof. I'm pretty confident that if somebody's shooting at the house, I can get behind one of my brick walls and drop down and at the very least, it might it might plug me, but it's not going to kill me.

[Brady]

That's why. Like in the. In the Westerns, when they're in those wood barns.

[Brett]

Sure. We're not talking about that. Of course that's not bulletproof. An idiot would think that's bulletproof. But I'm saying, you know, should we

[Eric]

call Byron from MMP Guns and have him come over and check it out?

[Brett]

Is your house brick? Yep. Yeah, we'll do it at your house.

[Eric]

No, you're the one that says.

[Brett]

No, no, no.

[Eric]

I never said bulletproof. Yeah, Brett, here's the one with the bulletproof.

[Brett]

Here, Gummo. You're gonna spend so much time at the dentist. We know where you live.

[Eric]

Doesn't matter.

[Brett]

If you let him shoot your house, I'll let him shoot mine. We'll see whose is more bulletproof.

[Eric]

I never said mine was bulletproof.

[Brett]

You did. It's great.

[Eric]

I did not.

[Brett]

You don't think your house is bulletproof? No. How do you know? I think it'll go through. Do you.

[Eric]

Do you get a.50 cal, go right through.

[Brett]

We're not shooting 50 cals.

[Eric]

Well, what are you talking about?

[Brett]

AR15.22 magnum. No, no. An AR15. The choice of a madman.

[Eric]

Probably go through.

[Brett]

You think with the velocity. Probably. We need to test this.

[Eric]

Probably.

[Brett]

All right.

[Eric]

Well, we'll be at your house this afternoon.

[Brady]

Need Cody fingers.

[Brett]

I think Brett's new house is going to have to be the.

[Eric]

You're a lot closer to M and P than me.

[Brett]

What do you call the thing you're testing on? A guinea pig? Who better than you to be our guinea pig?

[Brady]

Nope.

[Brett]

We're shooting.

[Brady]

Can't we hear from some of the police? Maybe they know from standoffs over the years.

[Brett]

Just firing through bricks. I don't think you aim at the bricks and go, I got them.

[Brady]

No, but if you're firing at the house.

[Brett]

That's what I'm saying. That was. That's what I meant. If you're not gonna look and go, he's behind those bricks. You're not wasting a bullet on that. If he's behind a window, you shoot to the window. If it's one of those chicken wire houses in Chandler, young guns, when they're all behind those little wood panel. Yeah, you're gonna kill it. I don't know what the hell you two are talking about all these westerns for. It's clear that you don't hide behind wood. We all know that.

[Brady]

They do it all the time. That's what I'm saying.

[Brett]

Oh, My God. Movies aren't real.

[Eric]

What?

[Brett]

What?

[Dale]

I know.

[Brett]

That's. That's how I feel when you say what? That I have to remind you.

[Eric]

Hey, if the power teams can break bricks with their bare hands and rip phone books apart.

[Brett]

But that's why they're the power team, Brett. They have the advantage of Christ. There you go. If it wasn't for Jesus, they wouldn't be able to rip that phone book. So unless it's the power team throwing bullets at my house, I'm pretty sure it's bulletproof. I'll clear the house. I'm not going to stand behind it and prove it that way. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong. I can accept that. But I'm pretty sure my house is bulletproof.

[Eric]

We'll end with the Sawzall sex swing.

[Brett]

Okay. We are developing new technology from a movie. Oh, okay. We're in a sex swing, and a guy puts a sawzall with a sex toy on it, on the girl. This is in a public place, by the way. And he turns the sawzall on. It is now rapid firing, and it makes her react with a.

[Chris]

You're poor.

[Brett]

Wow. All right, real quick. For those of you tuning in there, I'll play it again for you. He puts the sawzall with the sex toy in the woman while she's suspended above the stage. He hits. Hits the button once, and he's dressed relatively nicely. He's got a. He's the manager, black button up shirt, some jeans. He fires it off, then he yanks it out. And then she fires pee at the audience about 18ft.

[Chris]

Wow.

[Eric]

And we'll end with that one.

[Brett]

That's gonna be somebody's grandma someday.

[Brady]

No.

[Chris]

Yeah, it is.

[Brett]

She's already got kids, Br.

[Dale]

There's no doubt about.

[Chris]

No, she'll be dead. She's not making it.

[Brett]

That right there, living or de. That was my grandmother, is something someone will say about the lady suspended above a stage with a Sawzall dildo. You got a Milwaukee Tools dildo. And that lady's thinking, this is fun. And then she'll turn 35, then 45, then 55, and bouncing on her knee will be a future little Brayden.

[Chris]

What did you used to do for fun in college, Grandma? Well, there was the time I put a charizard dildo in myself and hosed off the front audience like one of those bomb cyclones.

[Brady]

Grandma. Grandma enjoyed swings.

[Chris]

Well, let's see. Grandma's was a playground back in the 90s.

[Brady]

Let's just say yes.

[Chris]

Let's Just say Braden. I treated my like a rental car.

[Brett]

Grandma.

[Brady]

No.

[Chris]

I put that thing through hell.

[Brett]

Was this before or after Mom?

[Brady]

Oh, it was.

[Chris]

Well, after your mother.

[Brett]

I needed money.

[Chris]

Your mother was about 5, and she was in the back room while I let men take power tools to my Hoo ha grandma. And then I'd squirt on audience members and they'd throw dollar bills at me. Back when I was growing up, dollar bills meant something.

[Brady]

Grandmother makes Christmases have a whole different meaning.

[Chris]

Once, for one bitcoin, I shoved the front end of a Hyundai in my ass. Somebody dared me that my Kegels weren't strong enough to ride down the freeway attached to a side mirror of a Honda.

[Brett]

I did it.

[Chris]

Grandma made it a quarter mile before she fell off. Oh, yes. Granny had some fun.

[Brady]

Were you?

[Chris]

Go ahead, say it, squirter.

[Brett]

Yep.

[Chris]

Like my mother before me and her mother before her. And your mother as well. I've cleaned the sheets.

[Brett]

That's someone's Grandma. That's someone's. Watch his face. That's someone's baboo. Yep. Someday there'll be a little chubby boy in culottes giving that a hug.

[Chris]

Oh, I like when he calls me Boo Boo. Oh, mind the hips. They've been through a lot, young man.

[Brett]

Anyway, it's 8:42. There you go. The 8 o' clock word this morning is magnetic. Somebody's baboo. Think about that every time you watch one of Brett's videos.

[Brady]

Don't think about that, man.

[Brett]

It's gonna be somebody's baboo. And there's gonna be a popple chick.

[Chris]

I didn't know anything about this.

[Dale]

Holmberg's morning sickness.

[Brett]

A good coach steps in and goes coaching. You do this again, and I swear to God, I'll bounce your little ass off every wall in this building.

[Dale]

Or your agent, your Asian coach.

[Brett]

He doesn't have anyone in his life saying, stop it.

[Dale]

Right.

[Eric]

He's a PR guy.

[Brett]

He needs. He needs a consigliere. And I read yesterday. A consigliere.

[Eric]

Brett, explain making the decisions in the. For the. For the boss. Like, kind of like.

[Brett]

Watch the Sopranos introducing people. You never watched the Sopranos?

[Dale]

I'm not Italian.

[Brett]

Yeah, I'm Swedish. You never watched the Sopranos.

[Dale]

I didn't.

[Brett]

Why?

[Dale]

The language was.

[Brett]

Oh, my God. You're such a homo effort. You almost made me say it. The language. You weren't so. What you just said was. I'll read between the lines. I'm good at this. Your wife wouldn't let you watch the Sopranos?

[Dale]

I just.

[Brett]

Yeah. Now, what I just said is true.

[Dale]

It just never enticed me.

[Brett]

Your wife wouldn't allow it in the

[Brady]

house if it wasn't programmed. They couldn't watch together.

[Brett]

You're not allowed.

[Dale]

We had the PG stuff, controls on.

[Brett]

My God.

[Brady]

Dell control.

[Brett]

Yeah, your ma. Does your wife have any idea how you talk to me? Can I meet Brooke and just go through?

[Dale]

You're not ever meeting bro.

[Brett]

I can't meet her because you're worried I might go. And then Dale said, oh, her. Big time.

[Dale]

You'll have a note card.

[Brett]

I have my text. I just break out my text that say, hey, C word.

[Dale]

Erase those.

[Brady]

No, Your brand liability.

[Brett]

I am. My brand liability is to out him. I have voice messages. Why would you do that?

[Brady]

That's not a friend.

[Brett]

I'm not. But if I'm not allowed to meet his wife because of me, she needs to know the truth. Because he's not a friend.

[Dale]

Every time I get done with a text throw with Johnny Erase, it's like

[Brett]

we're sending dick pics. Oh, my God. You didn't watch the Sopranos because you weren't allowed.

[Brady]

Dale still gets a shakedown.

[Brett]

Just say it out loud.

[Dale]

I don't show any. I really. It didn't catch my interest.

[Chris]

It didn't?

[Brett]

No. It's the greatest show ever.

[Dale]

It's like Landman. Everybody says, oh, you gotta watch. You gotta watch four episodes. Yeah, it's okay if I have to watch more than half of an episode to catch my attention.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Brady]

That's not what.

[Eric]

The Sopranos.

[Brady]

I'm telling you, Dale. Yeah, it's. It's no land, man.

[Brett]

The Sopranos is legendary.

[Brady]

And it still holds up.

[Brett]

Of course it does, because legendary stuff does.

[Dale]

Who's the star?

[Eric]

James Gandolfini.

[Brett]

Are you out of. Were you kidnapped by aliens for a decade? What in the world.

[Dale]

I never watched Scarface.

[Brett]

Well, that's.

[Brady]

That's.

[Brett]

You weren't allowed.

[Dale]

No, I just didn't.

[Brett]

Scarface is good if you're a college kid.

[Eric]

It's about Cubans. Yeah.

[Brett]

And it's. I don't know. I don't know what that is. Yeah, it's Cubans. Yeah. All right, That's.

[Dale]

I lived through the Mafia, Johnny.

[Brett]

You did not.

[Dale]

I. I was in the Mafia.

[Chris]

You were an smu?

[Dale]

Yeah. I saw people who had been killed, you know.

[Brett]

Well, then the Soprano should be more interesting because you're like, oh, it was. It reminds me of that guy that time. Hey, Trans Am.

[Dale]

Honestly, it was an eerie Feeling When I was sitting in that office and they showed him a manila envelope.

[Brett]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. You saw. You had things.

[Dale]

Two pictures of what?

[Brady]

Daniel love Sopranos.

[Eric]

Yes.

[Dale]

No, it was. It was scary.

[Brett]

That's what the Sopranos are huge.

[Dale]

Guys standing in the. In the drawing with coats and this.

[Chris]

I'm the boss of this family.

[Brady]

You believe this? Brett?

[Chris]

This guy over here didn't watch the show one time. Unbelievable. What kind of pushy are you? Tell your wife what's on TV and send her out of the room. You go watch the Real Housewives of Bitchville. I'm gonna watch what I want.

[Eric]

Did you watch Breaking Bad?

[Brett]

Not allowed. What?

[Eric]

There was no cussing in that.

[Brett]

There was a little. But. Yeah, but

[Dale]

that subject matter just doesn't.

[Brett]

Awesomeness doesn't excite you.

[Brady]

What?

[Dale]

What?

[Brett]

What excites you? Dale? Greatest television show of all time. Dale Hellis. Oh, of all time.

[Dale]

Too hard? Well, I. I liked all the cheer.

[Brett]

Great stuff. Comedies. Yes. But, like, what?

[Dale]

I'm more of a comedy.

[Brett]

So am I. I'm a happy guy. I am, too.

[Dale]

I'm not a killer.

[Brett]

I'm not either. D. And I love a good comedy. Yeah. But let's talk about great tele.

[Brady]

Some real funny stuff in Sopranos.

[Dale]

How about American Idol? Yeah.

[Chris]

Okay.

[Brett]

Come on, man.

[Eric]

Jesus.

[Brett]

You're going to grow Mickey ears right in front of me. You're a. You're a big, lumbering man. Who called. You called me a. At dinner because I ordered risotto.

[Dale]

Yes.

[Brett]

You called me the homo. F word.

[Dale]

I've never. I've never heard a guy have the word risotto come out of it. It's not.

[Brett]

It's not.

[Dale]

Yes.

[Brett]

Gay food. No, it's not. And you said. You called me an effing homo.

[Brady]

How many times was it called out in Hell's Kitchen?

[Brett]

Risotto's, like, great.

[Dale]

And it was shrimp.

[Brett]

I had, like, the most fattening meal of the entire.

[Brady]

Don't get the shrimp cake.

[Brett]

Oh, that's true. You know that scampi. Shrimp scampi with rice.

[Chris]

The same thing.

[Brett]

That's all risotto was.

[Dale]

That's like a pompous way to say it. That's. I'm better than you.

[Brett]

Scampi isn't compass.

[Dale]

No.

[Brady]

Risotto.

[Dale]

Risotto said.

[Brett]

I bet this stupid giant ape hasn't seen the Godfather either. Please tell me you've seen the Godfather.

[Dale]

I have not.

[Brett]

Dale. Hell, you're no longer our friend. That's.

[Dale]

That's a new.

[Brett]

Wrong.

[Brady]

New game has.

[Brett]

Dale has Dale. Seen it. Do you watch any quiz shows? It's just got to be. They're speaking Spanish.

[Brady]

How about this Little House on the Prairie?

[Dale]

I did see that.

[Brady]

I knew it.

[Dale]

I saw Wallace and Labo when I was growing up.

[Brett]

What's the dirtiest movie you've watched? Any, like, Quentin Tarantino stuff?

[Brady]

Blazing Shadows.

[Brett]

Larry.

[Chris]

Excited.

[Brett]

Like, Quentin Tarantino.

[Dale]

Well, what are some of his movies?

[Eric]

Reservoir Fiction, Pulp Fiction, Jackie Brown, Once

[Brett]

Upon a Time in Hollywood. Great movies, I think.

[Dale]

Quentin Tarantino.

[Brett]

Django. Django Jagoff. Well, go on, expound on that.

[Dale]

Just a little bit. I've seen of him.

[Brett]

Well, they're probably. But you just like, you don't.

[Dale]

I did see a little bit of that Once Upon a Night in Hollywood or whatever, and I. I walked out. It was stupid.

[Eric]

Amazing movie.

[Dale]

It was stupid. You guys have the intell of an ant.

[Brett]

Oh, my God. Meanwhile, you're trying to bring his American Idol. You're trying to keep up with the American Idol plot points.

[Brady]

It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually.

[Brett]

No membership fee. I have heard enough of this.