03-05-26 - Emailer Just Suffered Same Eye Injury Holmberg Did - Watching Latest Episodes Of War And Seeing Big Differences In Coverage And John Has A Sleeper Cell Theory

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness – Podcast Summary

Date: March 5, 2026
Host: John Holmberg
Co-Hosts: Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo
Episode Theme: Eye health, war media coverage, and the state of the world with a conspiracy twist.

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Episode Overview

This episode opens with John Holmberg sharing a listener's email detailing a detached retina, an injury Holmberg recently experienced himself. The crew delves into the reality of eye injuries, the importance of checkups, and the challenges of recovery. Shifting gears, they deliver a comedic and insightful breakdown of the latest televised war coverage, illustrating stark contrasts between news networks. Holmberg even presents his own "sleeper cell" theory about geopolitical maneuvering, wrapping it all with banter, personal stories, and signature irreverence.

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Detailed Breakdown & Key Segments

1. Listener Email & Detached Retina Discussion

Timestamps: 01:00–12:23

• Listener Email: A listener shares their detached retina saga, mirroring Holmberg’s own experience. The story involves sudden vision loss ("lava lamp" effect) and a grueling seven-day face-down recovery after emergency surgery.
• Holmberg’s Reaction:
  • Provides empathetic commentary ("Detached retina brothers for life. I do not wish this on anyone," [03:15]).
  • Warns listeners: “Go get your eye checked. It’s not worth it to play around. It doesn’t hurt... You’d never know” ([05:04]).
  • Discusses the causes: stress, trauma, aging, prior eye surgeries like LASIK increase risk.
  • Pushback on being told to stop being active:
    • "Usually it's somebody who's shaped like a potato or a Russian doll. Those days are behind you? No, they're behind you." ([07:02])
    • “If you stop doing stuff, you lose the ability to do it. So next time you try, it's going to hurt you. All those days are behind me? It’s because you stopped.” ([07:59])
  • Describes the surreal vision with bubbles in his eye post-op: "Now I got two bubbles orbiting a bigger bubble... It’s pretty acid trip over here." ([09:17])
  • Stresses seriousness: "People teetering on the edge of blindness, and I had no idea. I wouldn’t have been a good blind.” ([11:11])
  • “[If I lost vision in my right eye] I would have quit this job... When it’s all gone, I’m done.” ([11:58])

Notable Quote:

• “Your eyes will tell you everything. They don’t want to go blind. I’m getting too many emails from people that found out... they lost like 70% of vision from a retina tear.” — John Holmberg ([10:15])

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2. War Coverage on Major News Networks

Timestamps: 15:47–23:28

• Recap of War Coverage:
  • Comparison of Fox News, CNN, MSNBC:
    • Fox News: “It’s a fever dream for immature child like me... night vision planes... then you see a weird little dot and it blows up.” ([16:18])
    • Hannity’s exuberance, split-screen with bomb footage while discussing unrelated politics.
    • CNN with General Wesley Clark, who called the current military action justified, flummoxing the host: “He did not expect his guest to tell him, I love this.” ([16:52])
    • MSNBC: “Those lesbians are super emotional... they’re setting the table like this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to America.” ([17:34])
    • Mark Kelly (AZ Senator) as a guest, described as "Middle Earth me" in a bald solidarity moment ([34:06]).
  • Holmberg lampoons Ayatollah succession in Iran, imagining Monty Python references and bumbling succession calls:
    • "You imagine that phone ringing. ...Who wants to be ayatollah?" ([20:54])

Notable Quote:

• “Essentially, Iran is the knight from Monty Python right now. 'Your arms off.' 'No, it’s not. Flesh wound!'” — John Holmberg ([19:52])

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3. Conspiracy Fun: The Sleeper Cell Theory

Timestamps: 23:28–26:12

• Holmberg’s Theory:
  • Presents a “fan fiction”-style theory: Trump claims millions of illegals have entered the US; some may be Iranian sleeper cells.
  • “What better way to find them than an unprovoked attack on their homeland? ... We’re crushing Iran... they're going to come out of hibernation because we hit their hive." ([24:02])
  • Suggests the US is provoking Iran to force sleeper cells in the US to reveal themselves.
  • Playful musing about “war writers rooms” and bringing in a Jack Bauer character.

Notable Quote:

• “There’s some good writing going on here with war. ... It’s a good moment—get Jack Bauer in on this.” — John Holmberg ([25:03])

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4. Media Manipulation & Political Speculation

Timestamps: 25:33–27:36

• Discussion on how fear is “sold,” comparisons to WWII kamikaze mentality.
• Points out timing: this all happens in an election year—candidates may exploit fear and security concerns.
• Considers Arizona (“Phoenix is on the immediate list” [26:50]) as a potential terrorist target, given its size and events like the “women’s final four.” Jokes about its supposed safety.
• Theorizes a summer revelation of sleeper cells, blaming Democrats and turning it into a political game.

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5. Media Satire & Humor

Timestamps: 27:36–31:44

• Praise for Fox News’ action-oriented war coverage: “If John Madden was on that channel, it would have been perfect. BAM, BOOM, now we’re going over to Chris Berman...” ([29:30])
• Describes the giddy pleasure of night vision "heat signature" footage — “my favorite thing in the world watching war is heat resonance. ... There’s little orange men walking around... and then [suddenly] two little orange bodies went shoop out of the screen. War!” ([30:15])
• Holmberg likens his reaction to a “black guy at a movie... Oh, your little heat signature—oh, you’re gonna blow up! Don’t walk by that plane!” ([31:21])
• Later jokes about his own resemblance to public figures: “...I’m basically a chunk of healthy John Fetterman. ... If I was a rapper, I’d be Lil Fetterman.” ([34:16])

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6. Silly Science: Coffee Made with Coffee

Timestamps: 35:21–36:12

• Holmberg describes making “coffee out of coffee”—brewing coffee using leftover coffee as the water for the next pot:
  • “It’s like refried beans... double roast. I don’t know if that’s right or not.”
  • Crew jokes about whether it’s more caffeinated, compares profundity of taste.

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Memorable Quotes & Moments

• On Activity After Injury:

  • “If you stop doing stuff, you lose the ability to do it. ... All those days are behind me? It’s because you stopped.” — John Holmberg ([07:59])

• On Network War Coverage:

  • “Those lesbians are super emotional. Even the boy lesbians that they have hosting, wildly emotional.” — John Holmberg ([17:34])

• On Conspiracies:

  • “This is good fan fiction right here... putting us at risk for saying, you know what, we’re going to have some casualties from this, but we’ll get these guys. They’re gonna come out of hibernation because we hit their hive.” — John Holmberg ([24:02])

• On Blindness Fears:

  • “I wouldn’t have been a good blind. Like I said a million times before, I’m not much of a fighter. If I lose a pinky...a weird, deformed freak. ... I would have quit this job.” — John Holmberg ([11:11])

• On War Footage:

  • “There’s little orange men walking around... and then two little orange bodies went shoop out of the screen. War!” — John Holmberg ([30:15])

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Conclusion

The episode strikes a classic balance of humor, dark observation, and candid talk about both personal health and current events. Holmberg’s combination of real-life injuries, no-nonsense life advice, and sharp media commentary makes for an episode that’s equal parts funny, thoughtful, and irreverently memorable.

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Best Segment for New Listeners:
The discussion of war coverage and the playful “sleeper cell” conspiracy (16:00–26:30) stands out for its humor, offbeat insight, and sharp media satire.

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6am Word:

• “Burn” — for 6am contest ([21:10], [35:54])

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For ongoing updates and to participate, listeners are encouraged to text in, scream for a wake-up song, and enter contests (details skipped here as they are part of the show’s format, not core content).

Transcript

[A]

Hey, it's John Holmerg here from the morning sickness. And it's time to talk about my friend, TV's Doug Hopkins of my home group and Doug hopkins.com Doug buys houses for cash as is. No repairs, no showings, none of that usual stress. He knows the Phoenix market inside and out, and he makes the process simple. You need to sell fast. Divorce, relocation, inherited property, whatever. TVs. Doug Hopkins is a guy who puts his money where his mouth is. Start the process@doug hopkins.com or grab the phone and sing along. Call Doug Hopkins, 1-800-sale- now. This is Michael with Restore My Civil Rights. Tax season is here, and for many people, that refund check is an opportunity. If a past conviction is holding you back from constitutional rights, your tax return can be an investment in your future. Instead of spending your refund on something temporary, use it to remove legal barriers from your record and restore your standing as the law abiding citizen you've worked hard to become. To book a free consultation, call 855 GUN RIGHTS or visit restoremycivil rights.com today. That's restoremycivilrights.com the old method of treatment for a person in this condition was to throw him in jail. Good morning, everybody. Hello there. Welcome to Thursday. It is 5:45. My name's John. There's Brady, there's Brett. There's big Dick Toledo off and running for a glorious Thursday morning where it's just going to be perfect outside, as is the case all through. Sorry, Brad. I tried to get him again. I got a good one off, but I almost went with a different. I had a couple in my head. I like to scream something before the mics go on. It makes Brett uncomfortable.

[B]

Way beyond panther sex. It works. 100.

[A]

Oh, I see. Oh, yeah, that is a strange sentence when you're not understanding the reference. It's way beyond panther sex. What the hell? Anyway, so, yeah, it's gonna be perfect. I got Buddy in town from Chicago and he told me last night he was out at the Cave Creek rodeo. And I realized right then and there, the weather's so great in this place. People sit through anything. What a beautiful day. On Wednesday night, there's a rodeo. And I'm like, yeah, you know what? I'll do it. Pretty sure if we sold tickets to the submarine races or just, you know, if you had outdoor venues for, I don't know, child adoptions, we'd do it. This place, like, all right, let's go watch the kids get adopted. It's beautiful outside. Absolutely. Beautiful. Beautiful. We'll get into all the things that are going on, but I just got this email from a guy and I am hyper focused on this kind of stuff right now. This is driving me bananas. But it says, I like an email that starts this way. This reminds me of my family. Hey, Holmberg, you. Last Sunday I was leaving my side hustle and I dropped my keys. Now keep in mind, here I am, 6ft 3, 195 pounds, I'm a chiseled statue of a man. And I'm saying basically out loud that I take good care of myself. I don't have health problems. Sure. The occasional pulled muscle or strain or whatever. That's because I'm doing stuff. I bent down very easily by the way, to grab my keys and when I stood up, I saw nothing but what I heard you describe a lava lamp in my left eye. Actually kind of cool. It is kind of cool when it happens. You're like, whoa, what's going on? And you get this weird tint of yellowish red that just. It's really odd. So I actually enjoyed. It was kind of cool. Well, I waited and went to the doctor the next day thinking this isn't a big deal. Well, the doctor said you should have gotten here sooner. I got the surgery Monday evening and I've been in a massage chair face down ever since. I have to do it for seven solid days. I don't know how you got through it. Detached retina brothers for life. I do not wish this on anyone. I'm only three days in. Here we go, David. Yeah, it's the scary thing is it's kind of a common problem. And every doctor will tell you, yeah, you just got lucky. You probably had an injury when you were a kid or don't know it. I mean, stress can play a major role in this. It's like. And everybody's got stress at some point or another. We're all humping it for the man. And sometimes you don't want to look at the. The day ahead of you or your miserable wife or husband is just dragging you down or the God forbid you've got those God damn diseases running all over the house. You haven't you named them? It's little Haley and Hannah and. And Brayden and they're dancing all over the house and making a mess of things. And you got a college. Your eye can pop.

[B]

Talon and Falcon.

[A]

Oh, worse still, you got their friends coming over and those little miserable mop headed pricks that comb your hair. You tell you ugly little. And then Your eye blows up. I can't imagine what it would have been like if I had a Hannah Talon and Brayden in the house. And I was trying to stay face down. I went and isolated myself at a different location just because of the dogs. Like, I knew they'd be driving me nuts or I'd get up and do stuff I shouldn't do. And so I just went to a place with no distractions because I knew it was going to be tough.

[B]

You're face down, they start licking your arm.

[A]

Well beyond that, well, they're running up and bouncing on you. Or that I would have done something like, okay, the dogs are barking, I got to go tell them to shut up. Or you know, and you get up and you do something you shouldn't do. I'm with you, buddy. Sorry about that. I'm sorry you're going through that. It is no fun. And everybody again, I just keep, I'm harping on it because I'm hyper focused about it right now, but Dr. J. Schwartz is offering up a free consultation. Go get your eye check. It's. It's not worth it to play around. It doesn't hurt. You don't even know you're getting. You don't even know you're getting something wrong.

[B]

So on that checkup of the eyes, can they tell like, oh, this is getting ready to.

[A]

Oh, sure. They'll look in and see if you've got a slight tear, if you're susceptible but. Or, but if you get it, you sometimes can't. I'm telling you, if you've got floaties more than normal and everything else, just go get looked at. It's it. We always say, like, that's one. That you should probably just go every year or so and just go, how's this thing going? Pressure in your eyes, especially like if you've got, you know, issues with stress or blood pressure or anything else, just go, just go look. Because that's. It's weird. Your eyes take. So when I was reading about it, your eyes take on so much pressure just bending down. Once you bend wrong, your eyes eat all the blood and you don't even know it. You would never know. But there's a ton of pressure on your eyes when you're doing stuff. There's a build up over time. Like, you know, we're used to, you know, like wreck on a mountain bike when you used to go boxing with Ray and all that kind of stuff. Yep. Trauma injury. If you've ever had, if you've had Lasik in The past. You're more susceptible to things going so. Or, you know, I had that cataract surgery that bumps your chances up, so I was. I was ripe, baby.

[B]

You got a little fired up the other day because you're talking about some people have come up to you and said, hey, no more boxing.

[A]

That's true of everything I've ever had.

[B]

I mean, I can understand where they're coming from.

[A]

I can't. I know the people that always say, every. Every time I have had something, you know, if you injure yourself at all.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

A lazy will tell you, you gotta stop doing that. You're too old now. I'm like, I don't want to hear from you. And usually it's somebody who's shaped like a potato or a Russian doll. Hey, those days are behind you. Like. No, they're behind you. I have a pulled muscle from activity. It's not because I'm broken. I used to pull muscles a lot more in my 20s. I broken ankles and I get out and nobody ever said you'd probably stop playing basketball. You're 24 now. It's because all my friends were active too. Now I run into a bunch of old fat losers that sit and tell you everything's wrong with you because they don't do it. It's all. It's all their insecurities barking at you. You can do whatever you want. You won't be as good at it. I always say that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The tactical black Jay is. I think Jay Ackerman is 94 years old. I'm not sure. He's a very. Dude's is active, and it's strong. He's like, if you stop doing stuff, you. You lose the ability to do it. So next time you try, it's going to hurt you. Like, all those days are behind me. It's because you stopped.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Megan used to do that silver sneakers thing, and there were women who were there with walkers. I haven't done any activity for 20 years. And they'd go and they'd be within, like, three weeks. They didn't need their walker anymore because you just get back in there and you get back on the. Your dick's the same, your brain's the same, your body's the same. If you stop using it, it stops working. So constantly use it. I take it as motivation. Every time I have, you know, a busted finger or something. Breaking your hands or. Oh, you're breaking down. I love hearing that from a. From a dough ball. You're just a mess. Yeah. Okay. Okay. You have another broken bone. Yep, I did. I was mountain biking with Brett and we fell down. Those days are behind him. Like. No, no. When I heal, I'm gonna be right back out there. I probably won't be as good as I was before because I've been. You know, it's like Kyler Murray, he's got a couple injuries. You slow down, don't listen to people that tell you you're too old to do stuff. You can still do it, just not as well. It's true. And I'll be out there. I'm gonna go right back to tactical black second. I can go. We'll be cleared up a week or two. You're right out there.

[B]

I was gonna say how long.

[A]

How long until you're once these bubble. This bubble in my eye is not gone. You're back to normal. Yeah. It's three now. I got three bubbles in there. It broke down last night. It's kind of neat. So now I got two bubbles orbiting a bigger bubble. And I can make the other bubbles go around the big bubble. It's pretty acid trip over here. It's a little bit like that. It's kind of my eye got used to it. So it's. It's. It's in there. But the bubble they inserted in there shrinking way down. And now it popped into three bubbles. It's kind of cool. I'm gonna tell you right now. I'm gonna miss the little guy. I talk to him sometimes, put my head down and there's my little bubble. I'm like, you know what? We had a good run, you and me. And I owe him.

[B]

And then the.

[A]

The bubble solved every saved my eye.

[B]

But your other eye is a lot stronger. There's no so that. That I had to have a partial tear at the time.

[A]

Could be probably some trauma based thing. I had a cataract in it. This is the only eye I had the cataract in it. So the doctor when I got that surgery, Dr. Schwartz said more than likely had some trauma in this thing before that made it weakened it. I got hit in the head with baseballs, basketballs, elbows, all you know, you never know. It doesn't mean it was partially torn. It means it was susceptible to it. Get your eyes checked. I'm telling you, get your eyes checked. It's so easy. This guy said, buddy of mine got his eyes checked. And doctor told him, hey, you're diabetic. And he didn't even know it. Your eyes will tell you everything. They don't want to Go blind. I'm getting too many emails from people that found out that they. Yeah, I lost like, 70% of my vision from my retina tear. This is more serious than I ever knew. Like, I had no idea what I was dealing with was this. You know, people teetering on the edge of blindness, and I had no idea. And I wouldn't been a good blind. I wouldn't have done it. Like, I've said million times before, I'm not much of a fighter. If I lose a pinky. I don't want to be some weird, deformed freak walking around with I can't see out of my right eye talk. I'd have been to. Maybe I'd have quit this job. I'd have sold everything. And I traveled a little bit, and then I come back and they'd eaten all the pills. I'm not a good blind. Go. Yeah, I would have been like, I'm not. What do you do? I didn't want to be an abnormal. I'm dealing with enough. Have you seen my face? I'm borderline monster.

[B]

Yeah, but if you can deal with.

[A]

That's what I'm saying. He's not wrong. That is my threshold. I'm telling you right now. Yeah, you don't need to pile on, you prick. But I'm just saying, look, I don't need you over here, Brad Pitt. Brad armpit. But, yeah, you know, I got this to deal with. I don't need it to be malfunctioning as well. I already have to get through life with this face. I need all the peepers and the ears and everything to work once those shut down. This ain't getting better. What am I expecting some miracles now? I'm climbing out. I'm getting. I'm done. You're blind in your right eye. I'm like, yep. Is there any chance that's coming back? No, there's nothing we can do. Adios, chief. Call Doug Hopkins. Well, I need some cash for this house. I got a lot to do. Give me a year, and when it's finally all gone, I'm done. And I know there's people out there going, I'm blind and I'm fine. You're stronger than me. That's all this comes down to.

[C]

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[A]

It's John Holberg here from the morning sickness. Time to talk about TVs Doug Hopkins of my home group and Doug Hopkins.com another satisfied listener called TV Doug Hopkins and sold her home for cash. She reached out. Her name's Ashley, and and Doug wants to make it simple. Buy your house for cash as is, you don't have to do anything. Just like Ashley, no strings attached. If he moves that price, you get $5,000. Want to sell that place? Start the process online@doug hopkins.com or grab the phone and sing Hopkins 1-800-sale now. Holmberg's Morning Sickness there's been times I've gotten hangnails where I thought, this is never going to get better. I'm going to kill myself.

[B]

So we gotta take that serious when you say that.

[A]

When I'm gonna kill myself.

[B]

Yeah, if I go blind, stuff like that. Like, I gotta hang now. I'm just gonna kill myself. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. No, I'm not.

[B]

I'm calling 91 1.

[A]

If it's forever and it's messing with me, I'm not. I'm not waiting it out. I'm not one of those people. I'm gonna fight it. You know how many I'm I'm 53 years old. You know how many people I've seen on TV go, I'm diagnosed with something terrible, but I'm a fighter. And three months later, they're dead. It doesn't like Brian Callan came in Friday because my friend got diagnosed with pancreatic cancer we prayed for him and. And he said he was fighting. Three months. He was dead in three months. Nothing worked. He was dead. Like, yeah, I'm not good. Not one of those people that's gonna fight. I saw a commercial for I stuff the other day. I don't know, Drippy Zelta. I don't know what the hell it was called, but it's like they're not even given side effects anymore. They're just skipping the doctor completely. And you're getting instructions on how to use it. At one point they're like, wait 15 minutes before you put your contact lenses back in and don't forget to wash your hands thoroughly. I'm like, I haven't even been. I don't even have this stuff yet and you're already giving me instructions on

[B]

how to use it.

[A]

Are we just skipping the doctor completely now? When it comes to people out. Oh, I know they do, but I mean, shouldn't you at least go to call on doc and have it at a certain point, say you need to talk to somebody, which occasionally it will. It'll give you antibiotics. It'll give you like, you know, allergy medicine or something. But if you're in there like, hey, I'm struggling to see and I need some drops, it's like, we'll give you Drippy Zel to. Don't worry about it. Oh, by the way, if you don't wash your hands, all your dogs will go blind. If you pet them and this gets in your skin, you can die. Like fentanyl. It's like, oh, I should probably see something about that. They don't have enough time in those commercials anymore with the, with the side effects at the end. It's longer than the commercial. This one skipped all the side effects

[B]

and just blends into the background.

[A]

It just told you, here's how you use it. So it's basically a screw up. You're gonna die. The Alchemist's cookbook right there on tv. Get your eyes checked. Do you guys check out War last night? No. Oh, so good. Last night was so good. So good. Did you get your sub sub action? Did I get my sub action? Okay. Fox News showed War a Donald Trump production last night. I'm watching Fox's coverage. Sean Hannity is borderline like an entire hour show where he should just go boom, bang. Like all they do.

[B]

Like to play by plan.

[A]

No, it's not even play by play. It's just in the split screen next to him is all the Pentagon released videos of us blowing things up It's a, it's a fever dream for immature child like me, all of it. And the cool part is it's all like night vision planes on a Runway and one of them starts driving and then you see a weird little dot and it blows up. And Hannity on the other screen looks surreal. Oh, it's awesome. Hannity's on the other scream and he's like, Jasmine Crockett's an asshole. Like, yes. He's like, he's not even talking about what's going on over there. This is the best. And then so they're doing that and they are loving every second of war. And then the other thing they had on CNN last night, which was a great plot twist in war, they had a host on there and he's talking remember General Wesley Clark? He was part of a lot of the, the original Desert Storm and then a bunch of stuff early. And he ran for president once and didn't do well because he's kind of soft spoken. But he's a general, he's been around blocking all this stuff. And the CNN guy's sitting there going as war act and blah, blah, blah, Congress, yada, yada, yada. And Wesley's at the end, he's like, yeah, we get a lot, we got a lot going on here. And, and this is a, this is a war we should have done a long time ago. And the host, CNN's like, boing. What? Like he did not expect his guest to tell him, I love this. And he's like, you, you agree with this? And Wesley Clark's like, oh, we should have gotten these guys years ago. Like, this is great. I, I agree completely with this whole thing. Well, thanks for joining us. Wesley Clark. We'll be right here. Like, oh, they couldn't wait to get, like, he did not fit what they were trying to talk about. Flipped over to MSNBC. Ms. Now. Yeah, yeah. Ms. Now. And they had one of their lesbians was interviewing Mark Kelly, the, the very msnbc, I don't know if you're watching this is hedging their bets that this war is a disaster for us. And they're, they're setting the table like, this is the worst thing that's ever happened to America. That's what they do over there. Those lesbians are super emotional. Even the boy lesbians that they have hosting, wildly emotional. And they had Mark Kelly on and he's doing it too. If this turns out to be a success at all or if this goes well. Ms. Now's going away. They are, they're putting all their chips on the table that this is the end of U.S. gamble. They had Jen Pataki or whatever her name is. She basically starts, like, shaking. Everything's a. I'm shaking my head at that. You believe we 80. Sri Lanka says they pulled 80 Iranian soldiers out of the water and 80 more are dead. Shaking her head like, can you believe we're just killing people? Turn over to Fox. 80 guys are dead. Like, I wish headset would have gone through and got the ones in the water. Sean Hannity even said that the. The boat we blew up yesterday was called the Solemani, which was one of their guys. That was a big deal. And Hannity said, just like the namesake, it was shot and killed. It was a boat. He's talking about a boat. And he goes, so we got them both. We killed Solemnity twice in one day. We'll be right back. And he was like, half smiling. Then he had a congressman on that said, I'm not for death, but I hope the ayatollah will rest in pieces. And then they laughed like that was a joke that they were like they were dying. Great one. Great stuff. Ms. Nows on the other party favors. They're pissed at everything. And then. And then they started to talk about who the new ayatollah is going to be. And I started laughing because I'm like, you imagine if I. Brett, you got that? I don't even know how they're making calls. Essentially, Iran is the night from Monty Python right now. Because everything I call for the blood of Donald Trump. Like, all right, you're nothing but a stump. Your arms off. Yeah. No, it's not. Flesh wound. We will eat at the heart of the American. You will. You will pay for this.

[B]

I will kick you, sissy.

[A]

First off, who gave you the phone and who are you? I am 52nd in charge. Oh. Oh. Real go getter. And he starts screaming, I want the blood of Trump and America will rule the dead. Ever toyed with the person powers of Iran? Like, yeah, you got like three weeks to live, maybe. And we control the sky. We're flying planes over just for fun now. And I challenge you to a duel. You've got no arms. So that's what they are. But they're calling. They're like, they think that this guy's going to be. There's. They've convened and they said, we're pretty sure we got a new ayatollah coming. You imagine that phone ringing. Oh, I got to give you the six o' clock word. You're right, Brad. It's burn. Burn is the word for 6am which is what they're going to do over there. We're going to burn them. Burn it down. So, yeah, that phone call comes and you're like, hello? Is this it? Is. Where are you? Who's calling? I don't like to give my location right now. Oh, no, no, no. It's friendly. Hey, who wants to be ayatollah? Are you giving me the job? Yes. You're next in line if you want it. If I say yes, what will happen? Hello? Hello? God damn it. They blew him up, too. They want to give it to the son of the old ayatollah. I thought he had it. He does, sort of. Okay, but it's not official. But that dude doesn't want that. Nobody wants. That's like.

[B]

No.

[A]

He's 12. Hello there. Are you listening? Who is this? That's Michael Bidwell of the Cardinals. No, no, no. I'll take the ayatollah job. I'd rather be ayatollah than coach your crap, crap team. Are you sure? We'll pay you 8 million a year. The average coach in the league is making 20.

[B]

What do you think?

[A]

You're not gonna get anybody good like this. It's better than being ayatollah. It's a toss up, Michael. I think I'll brave Ayatollah Ing rather than coach. Who do you even have for quarterback? What do you think? You have no plan, But I don't think you have a plan, either. Oh, yeah? We have a better plan. At least we have some offense.

[B]

I get free shoes.

[A]

Yeah, I don't even. I don't even need a shoe contract. I just. Come on. You're crazy calling me right now. You think anybody wants this job? All right, well, enjoy being the ayatollah. Or maybe I won't enjoy it, but it's a lot better than your job. So go, go, Michael Bidwell. Anyway, war was great last night. Really good. The Blood of Trump. Yeah. Okay, okay. You have no arms or legs. You will see. We will get you. I do have an interesting theory about this war. My Alex. Enter Alex Jones. Because I'm watching a lot of war. You know, rewatching. There's got to be some sort of podcast with the producers afterwards that I can get all the cookies or, like, the stuff I missed. You know, like Vince Gilligan does after all of his shows, he sits down with, like, Chris Hardwick, and they talk about what you just watched. And, like, here's what you missed. I missed that. But the producers of War are doing that, and I'm looking for it. I do have a theory, though.

[B]

War After Dark.

[A]

So Trump's got this deal. This is pretty. Like this. Like, this is good fan fiction right here. Trump's. Trump's been on about how many illegals entered the country over the last Biden administrator. Like, he, like, makes claims like, we've had 20 million people come across the border. Right. And they weren't all Mexicans, is what he was saying. And nothing looks more Mexican than an unsheathed Iranian. Right. You can't tell from visuals you'd lean towards that.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You grow the little weird mustache and you see him in Tucson. You're not thinking Iran. So you got all these dudes that they let in, probably a bunch of sleeper cell Iranians made it over. Right? That's what they're thinking. Yeah, yeah. And Trump is like, we got to find these guys. What better way to find them than an unprovoked attack on their homeland? So they start getting noisy here, you

[B]

know, like the dude in Austin or. That was more of a.

[A]

Well, I think that was just an immediate rogue, but he was a guy that just popped up. So I think it's sort of a design to sit and go, we're crushing Iran. That's about time we did that because we got a bunch of bad guys here from letting the borders open. So in a weird way, putting us at risk for saying, you know what, we're going to have some casualties from this, but we'll get these guys. They're going to. They're going to come out of hibernation because we hit their hive. That was it. I'm sitting there thinking last night, I'm like, I should call some. I should call the writers and tell them, like, here's a good. This is a good moment. Like, we get Jack Bauer in on this.

[C]

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[A]

homeberg's morning sickness about being able to sell fear. Well, it isn't about selling it at

[B]

that point, I'm saying at that time, you know, like, if you're. If for what you hear about the nation, it's like, all sudden we're going down as a country. Well, then it's like, I just think of World War II when Japan was like, all right, kamikaze.

[A]

Yeah, but that's my point. It's like if you smoke them out, they're coming out here.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And we got, you know, and that to me says, all right, we have to. We have to take a couple punches, but at least they'll make noise, you know, problems. You got DHS on the bench, though, too. Yep, there's that. You know, that's. Yeah.

[B]

And that's calling the relievers yet.

[A]

It's not yet part of it, but they're in there and you can eventually, you can tap back. We'll get them. Yeah, but they're. They're shut down. Yeah, I know, man. That's not a good thing because the government got closed up, but I think maybe that's part of it as well. Good writer twist say, oh, they've been neutered. And so it makes them. Makes the bad guys even go. They can't do anything about it right now. There's a lot to the idea that this is all a dog and pony show with bombs and murders to make the bad guys pop up for heroic activities going into a half election year. Oh, there's. There's some good writing going on here with war. I watch Breaking Bad, and I would recap with Larry and Paul after every episode, and we'd try to guess what's coming next. I'm doing that with this show, too. It's been. That's my. That's my. That's my. If I was in the writers room, here's where we're gonna go with this. It's pretty great. And I think that's a good one. But I mean, they keep telling you, like, be careful. Don't go into big crowded. Like, what do you know that we don't know? Like, why are you telling us? Like, immediately you gotta watch out for them. Like, oh, so you know, they're here. Like, we don't know when and we don't know why or how, but they're going to rise up and get somebody somewhere. They have. We're on the list. Phoenix is on the immediate list of the government Saying these are places I'd watch out for. So we are. Yeah. Why are we border? Big city. You can blend easy. I mean, I knew, you know, L A New York, Chicago was just a big metropolitan, big event, stuff like that.

[B]

You know, crossing over is easier in this.

[A]

Well, I mean, it's a big city. You probably see Cardinals game because nobody's going. I mean, the good news is most of the teams start sucking. So the, you know, there's not a lot of. But you know, soft target stuff, we've got that. We got a real safe place. I don't think they'd bomb, which is that women's final four is coming to town. I'd hang out there. That's safe. Nobody's gonna even consider that. But yeah, it's. That's a good plot twist. I like my plot twist. I like my. My personal writing for war has been phenomenal. And that would be an interesting way to do this, to kind of root out the bad guys. And then somewhere around June or August in that, you know, mid summer kind of deal, we announced that we got a bunch of sleeper cells. And then you can blame the Democrats for opening the border and all becomes a political ploy. And then you realize the whole thing was a game because I believe it is. But in the meantime, last night, if you ask me, because I had the box of all the news channels, Fox won for, for a hardened, immature young boy, there was no better coverage last night than Fox. Now I do enjoy a man sitting with a woman being emotional and crying. And Mark Kelly and Jen Pataky had that going for him last night. And they really sold. You know, they do like what women do when they argue with you. They don't argue about the thing you're talking about. They argue about like 10 other things that could happen. And you're like, well, let's not speculate. Let's deal with what we're actually deal with the reality of it. Oh, you went through this. Oh, you're being an MSNBC host right now. And assuming that three years from now this is still going to be a problem. Mark Tilly didn't want you to solve his problem. He just wanted you to listen to his problem. They want to scream, would you still get it? Yeah, that kind of stuff. Oh, I know what's gonna happen. You're just gonna end up banging some 20 year olds. Look, what are we, what are we talking about? All I said was, is that popcorn on the floor. I keep a clean house. What you're gonna do this for the Rest of our lives. You know, I. What is happening at home? I don't get it. Oh, I get it. You're msnbc. You gotta worry about, like, all the problems that might happen and not what is actually happening. Fox won last night. Put a split last night. If I'm giving the nod to best coverage, it was Fox. We had so many explosions. It was. It was literally just explode. Like, if John Madden was on that channel, it would have been perfect. We're now turned to correspondent John Madden. Hey, here's the guy. Bam. Boom, boom. Now we're gonna go over to Chris Berman. Is your brain coming in? Rumbling, rumbling. No more Iranians.

[B]

It was like the end of Rambo.

[A]

So good.

[B]

Fire mushrooms.

[A]

Yeah. But the best part was it was little stuff. And my favorite thing in the world watching war is. Is heat resonance. Iranians, the little heat. They have the video. There's little heat bodies walking around, like, from a distance. And there's little orange men walking around in little green, minding their own. Doing their own Iranian little business walking around something terrible. And then. And then there's little orange bodies laying down all over when the smoke clears. And Fox made a point to show, like, here's. Here's two dudes just running down the road. And some helicopter was chasing. You can see him kind of like drifting around, running. And one goes across the street and the other one, they just put a missile in the middle of the road. And then two little orange bodies went shoop out of the screen. War. That's my favorite one. And. And I scream at the tv. Oh, I'm like a black guy at a movie. You better move your ass. I see a little orange man. That's your ass. Oh, your little heat signature. Oh, you're gonna blow up. Don't walk by that plane. That's. Oh, that's what they aim it for, dummy. Get in your hut. Yeah, it's great. And they showed a bunch of that last night. The only thing missing from last night was when we blew up one of those boats. Seeing little orange heat signature, Iranians falling off, that would have been great. I do have to admit that the other most important thing in my life right now is the NFL draft, which is coming up in a month. So I watched a mock draft these four guys do in Pittsburgh.

[B]

How'd it work out?

[A]

They're dreamers. We traded up for like a fifth. We're not getting what they said they were. Their heart was too into the mock draft. Although it was pretty interesting. One of the guys was pretty good, but it was a. A thing on a. On a podcast. These guys I watch in Pittsburgh. And it's pretty good. But that's. That's how my life works. I watched war. And then my next most important thing in the world is the Steelers draft. It's coming up here. I got to keep up on that.

[B]

That'll bump it very soon. That'll change around.

[A]

It depends.

[B]

I mean, if we get a week, a week left.

[A]

War. I'm telling you, war is pretty interesting right now. If I could get more heat signature Iranians to fly through the air, I'm stuck for a while. I don't know that I can get tired of that. I was sort of raised on it. I was 19 when we were first introduced to the heat signature explosions back in the first Gulf War. Is that real? Schwarzkopf would go on TV and go, here's some videos. And we used to have to watch it while he watched it. And the general would point out, here's a guy, he's not so lucky, and he's just walking on a bridge. And then the bridge goes away and the little heat signature guy disappears. I'm like, oh. Kind of technology. And it hasn't gotten much better for our viewing pleasure as heat signature people getting blown up. It's awesome. It's awesome. And the better one was a helicopter chasing them down. And it was kind of a more in the daytime, but they still went with heat signature guys. And one dude's running and he just goes in the ground like, oh, we found a little hole. And then like, you didn't see him anymore. It was awesome. So good. Oh, it's so good. Yeah. As this guy says, it isn't Jen Pataki. Her name is Jen Pasaki. It's even funnier than what you're doing. We call her Jen Ball Sacky because she looks like one. Well, I'm not going after that. I don't think I've seen better looking ball sacks anyway. Watch some more. I don't know. She's Jen Pasaki. He's right. And she is constantly just shaking her head at every. This is a catastrophe. You're gonna be. You're gonna ruin everything. Did you take the garbage? I'm waiting for that on Ms. Now. So we're at war, huh? Mark Kelly. Yeah. Did you take the bin out or do I have to do everything? It's like, what, you never take the bin out three times. The bin is sitting outside. The trash was Wednesday. The bin is outside. I pulled in the. I came in the back. But I didn't see the bin. Oh, that's convenient. We'll be right back with more msnbc. I'm like, are you nagging him on tv? Look, Uncle Fester. Yeah, careful there, bud. It's a tough thing about being bald is that I see Mark Kelly and I'm. And look, I'm basically a chunk of healthy John Fetterman. I look at Fetterman and I'm like, we dress the same. This. Why did he have to get famous? Yeah. I never caught that. Yeah. Hoodies and shorts and walking around like we just. We're going to the gym. Maybe we might also stop over and get a milkshake. But I see him and I'm like, God damn it, that's too close for comfort. If he had hair, you'd never think it. But without it, it's like, I'm a Teemu. Goddamn Fetterman. I'm Teemu Federman, because he's at least man sized. He's like. He's a lumbering. Take away the stroke and the Frankenstein qualities, and I'm basically Lil Federman. I'm like that used to follow around Kid Rock. It's terrible. I'm Mini Me. I'd be Fetterman. Small, unaffected. Brother. This is my brother. You guys look kind of alike. Yeah, he hasn't had a stroke yet. It's coming. Don't worry about it. This pot, Brett. Pot of coffee.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Full morning. I'm doing that. You're not a coffee guy yet. Brady. Are you gonna try this?

[B]

Yeah, I get that.

[A]

Make your coffee like I said yesterday, out of a pot of coffee. I did it. Yeah. How was it? I'd made coffee, and then I poured it back in the machine to make coffee with coffee the next morning. So you put, you know, you normally use water.

[B]

You want more coffee?

[A]

I think I do. I don't know how it works, but you take the coffee you made, you make a full pot of coffee, and you pull that pot of coffee out and you pour it right back into the thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You put the thing in, you set the timer for the next morning, and it's gonna make more coffee out of your coffee. And it is good. It's like refried beans. Double roast. I think that's what they call it. I don't know if that's right or not. I made coffee. Coffee out of coffee. And let me tell you this.

[B]

Is there more caffeine?

[A]

I don't know, but it's got to be because you're doubling up. Finally tasted good. It was Coffee that had good flavor to it. It was great. It's like drinking espresso. Is it? Well, I mean, it's. I don't know. It's gonna be strong. Well, I mean, you put so much. Yeah, I use half of a. I use like 5 tablespoons per thing. That is you. Yeah, that's Fetterman. I'm telling you, our team of Ferm. So annoying. He's like 6, 8, 340 pounds. I'm a chunko Fetterman. Lil Fetterman. I'm Lil Federman. If I was a rapper, I'd be a little Fetterman. Yeah. Yeah. It's not good. Yeah. Thanks, Brett. Thanks for putting him up on the big screen. He's got those big dope ears. That's one thing that keeps me from being compared to Mark Kelly is that Mark Kelly looks like he came out of Narnia. He's like Middle Earth Mark Kelly. He's. He's Middle Earth me. Like, Mark Kelly sees a picture of me and he thinks, yeah, no, there's something going on here. He lives underground. One of the Star Treks spaced at a number on Mark Kelly's eyes. I'd rather be little Fetterman. Yeah. Oh, no. I'd much rather be a little Fetterman. Fetterman still got some. You know, he's just a gigantic version of me. Plus stroke. It's not easy being bald. All bald guys start to get compared to each other. And then you point out, well, that guy's ears are different. And then he's got bug eyes and your nose is crooked. And we don't our features show. But I'm Lil Federman. Let's get a wake up song. The word for 6am is burn. B U R N. Get on that right away. Burn. And we'll get you up there to the sphere in Vegas, see Metallica. Give us a wake up song. 5 8, 5, 9800 we'll scream it together. It's 98 KUPD. Wake up. It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fee. I have heard enough of this pj.