03-05-26 - Should We Be Concerned Iran's Soccer Team Is Practicing Here - Emailer Says Menopause Led To His Divorce When His Wife Got Mean - John's Punch The Monkey Asshole Theory Applies To And Explains Kids Who Are Assholes Too

Summary

Holmberg’s Morning Sickness – March 5, 2026

Episode Overview

In this episode of Arizona’s top morning radio show, John Holmberg and crew (Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, and Dick Toledo) tackle major topics with their signature irreverent humor: Iran’s national soccer team’s U.S. training, an email about how menopause contributed to a listener’s divorce, misunderstandings around Steak and Shake’s bitcoin promotion, the “Punch the Monkey” theory for jerky kids, and memorable stories about mail-order brides and awkward birthday parties. The team riffs on human and animal behavior, generational relationships, and the legacy of Lou Holtz—while frequently digressing into wild, laugh-filled anecdotes.

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Key Discussions & Insights

Iran’s National Soccer Team Training in Arizona

(00:43 – 07:30)

• Security Jokes and Stereotypes: John opens with news that Iran’s soccer team is practicing in Tucson, riffing about national security and cultural stereotypes:
  • “If you’re a sleeper cell, Tucson’s beautiful this time of year. You guys should consider maybe doing some work down there.” (01:01)
  • “Iranian, you're blending with all the Mexicans. No one will even know you guys are plotting.” (01:23)
• Contrast with Russia: Explores how Russia, after invading Ukraine, isn’t allowed to play in the World Cup—while Iran, despite tensions, is here hosting/training.
  • “Here's how big a dicks Iran is in the world, by the way...Russia's not allowed to play in the World Cup because they invaded Ukraine. We pretty much just walked into Iran and started blowing stuff up. And people were like, thank you. You're fine.” (02:46)
• Cynical Wonderings: Jokes Iran's team may be here for something other than soccer:
  • “I'd watch that Iranian soccer team. Those dudes are definitely—it's a trap. They're not here for soccer.” (05:20)
• Dark Humor with Local Landmarks: Paranoid hypotheticals about nuclear plants and Iran’s proximity:
  • “So we got a nuclear power plant, like, 25 miles to the west. 30. And the Iranian soccer team is here. I'm not great at math, but that adds up real fast...” (07:10)

Show Corrections – Bitcoin, Steak and Shake, Mistaken Actor Identity

(10:36 – 15:15 & 16:58 – 17:00)

• Bitcoin Confusion: The team discusses confusion over Steak and Shake’s bitcoin pay:
  • “If you’re looking for a job, Steak and Shake will pay you 21 cents in Bitcoin an hour. But they are not matching it with $1,000 in bitcoin for every $1,000 you earn...” (14:00)
• Misidentified Actor: Clarifies confusion between Jeffrey Owens (“Elvin” from the Cosby Show) and an actor from “Better Call Saul.”
  • “That is not Jeffrey Owens from the Cosby Show. So we were talking yesterday... Unfortunately, you said, yep, that was absolutely not the case.” (12:11)

Menopause & Relationships: Emailer’s Life-Altering Divorce

(17:15 – 23:00)

• An emailer, Vince, describes how his wife’s menopause triggered violent, mean behavior, leading to divorce, and a string of failed relationships for her.
  • “She was terrorizing me during her menopause. Hateful woman. She started taking swings at me... Possession in biblical days was simply menopause. They didn’t know what it was.” (18:00)
• Holmberg responds with humor and sympathy, noting Vince now dates a much younger woman:
  • “My new girlfriend is 28. I’m 57... I’ll be dead before she starts menopause. This is a huge win for me.” (19:10)
• They riff on the generational gap: “She’s stupid, but thinks I’m stupid too... It’s like dating a girl from China but you don’t have to order out for that anymore.” (19:20)
• Jokes about ordering younger foreign brides and tales of local guys who brought over wives from Asia and Russia add to the absurd, raucous tone.
  • “We knew a dude who did it. Name was Charlie. All of a sudden, Charlie started, showed up with some Vietnamese lady... she was mowing the grass barefoot...” (22:20–23:55)

“Punch the Monkey” Asshole Theory – How Outcasts Get Coddled

(30:16 – 40:25)

• Punch the Monkey: John relates the popular story of Punch—a monkey kicked out of its troop, to whom zoo staff keep gifting plush animals.
  • “What if that monkey’s just an asshole? And all the other monkeys got together and said, that's enough. But we feel sorry for him.” (30:38)
  • “I’m the only person on the planet that’s calling for the death of Punch the monkey... He’s a dick.” (32:45)
• Human Parallels: Draws parallels with kids ostracized in real life (e.g., no one coming to a birthday party), arguing it’s a sign of social difficulty, not always a cause for sympathy.
  • “If nobody shows up to your birthday party, it's not them. It's you. And you can be seven and an asshole.” (36:32)
• Brady chimes in: “Maybe he’s a little light in the low.” (38:06)

Kids, Social Skills, and Parenting Blind Spots

(40:25 – 45:27)

• The team jokes about assessing your kid’s likeability by non-birthday parties and tracking attendance as a social metric:
  • “Throw a non-birthday party for your kid just to see where he stands... If it's less than four or five people and your kid's like, I don't like a lot of people. You got a dick on your hand.” (40:47)
• Reference to comedian Jim Jefferies’ observation about most parents’ denial about their kids being difficult:
  • “How many of you think your kids are dicks?... Statistically, this is impossible because you’ve been in society.” (44:12)
• Discusses the difference between a “dead-eyed kid” and an asshole, preferring the latter as fixable with strong parenting.

Parental Anxiety and Generational Humor

(45:27 – 51:11)

• John recalls his dad’s concern over his behavior, suspecting him of being gay:
  • “My dad would have been in the car, my car, my drive would have been quiet. My mom would have been like, it’s all right, Sean. My dad would have been like, don’t. It’s not all right. We got a lot of problems.” (38:49)
  • “All the times you called me a... I was just playing around. We were having fun, right?” (51:12)
• Lighthearted stories about childhood interactions, birthday parties, and awkward moments with parents.

Tribute: Lou Holtz, College Football, and Institutional Hypocrisy

(52:00 – 55:54)

• The crew bids “so long” to Lou Holtz with a blend of parody and criticism.
  • “I spent three hours last night sending voice memos as Lou Holtz to another person who does Lou Holtz impressions... Basically made fun of the man for about three hours.” (52:00)
  • “I recruited illegally, constantly, and then praised Jesus for our wins... Now I’m burning in eternity for it.” (52:36)
• Sly commentary on college football’s legacy of paying players:
  • “If you live your life for Jesus Christ... Give him a few hundred thousand dollars, he'll come to Notre Dame. Anyway, back to Jesus.” (55:00)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

Iran & Soccer Security Satire

• “If you’re a sleeper cell, Tucson’s beautiful this time of year... I’ll put you in Tucson in a heartbeat.” – John Holmberg (01:01)
• “Not only will they blow stuff up, moments notice, they don’t want to go home. You’re fighting a dragon down there.” – John Holmberg (04:51)

On Divorce and Menopause

• “Possession in biblical days was simply menopause. They didn’t know what it was.” – Emailer Vince (18:28)
• “I’ll be dead before she starts menopause. This is a huge win for me.” – John Holmberg, reading Vince's email (19:15)

Mail-Order Brides

• “She just wants to blow him all the time. I know. Torture sounds awful. What’d he pay for that? Oh, 400 grand.” – Holmberg (22:36)

“Punch the Monkey” & Social Outcasts

• “I’m the only person on the planet that’s calling for the death of Punch the monkey... He’s adapt or get out.” – John Holmberg (32:45)
• “Human version of that little monkey nobody liked was that kid from Tucson... Maybe Tommy’s an asshole. This is a good life lesson for him.” – John Holmberg (36:13)

Parenting & Kids

• “You can be seven and an asshole.” – John Holmberg (36:32)
• “If you invite eight (kids) and two show up, you got an asshole.” – John Holmberg (39:00)
• “Dead-eyed kid is either a murderer or forever dead eye.” – John Holmberg (45:19)

Lou Holtz Roast

• “I recruited illegally, constantly, and then praised Jesus for our wins... Now I’m burning in eternity for it.” – John as Lou Holtz (52:36)

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Segment Timestamps

• 00:43 – 07:30: Iran’s Soccer Team, Tucson, and World Cup banter
• 10:36 – 15:15: Show corrections – Bitcoin, Steak and Shake error, Jeffrey Owens mix-up
• 17:15 – 23:00: Emailer Vince’s divorce, menopause, and new relationship; Mail-order brides
• 30:16 – 40:25: “Punch the Monkey” theory, animal and human social outcasts
• 40:25 – 45:27: Parenting, kids’ likability, party attendance and self-awareness
• 45:27 – 51:11: Parental anxiety, teenage awkwardness, generational misunderstandings
• 52:00 – 55:54: Lou Holtz tribute and NCAA hypocrisy send-off

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Overall Tone & Style

The episode is marked by sarcasm, raw honesty, political incorrectness, and a high-energy, rapid-fire back-and-forth. Holmberg and co-hosts wield dark humor, nickname-laden storytelling, and local color to connect with their Arizona audience. Nearly every serious issue is undercut with a joke or sardonic observation, staying true to their brand of “morning sickness.”

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This summary provides an engaging, accurate map of the show’s liveliest content, notable jokes, and recurring thematic punchlines—perfect for both loyal fans and first-time listeners seeking Holmberg’s blend of social satire and outrageous morning banter.

Transcript

[John Holmberg]

Hey, it's John Holmerg here from the morning sickness. And it's time to talk about my friend, TV's Doug Hopkins of my home group and Doug hopkins.com Doug buys houses for cash, as is. No repairs, no showings, none of that usual stress. He knows the Phoenix market inside and out, and he makes the process simple. You need to sell fast. Divorce, relocation, inherited property, whatever. TVs. Doug Hopkins is a guy who puts his money where his mouth is. Start the process@doug hopkins.com or grab the phone and sing along. Call Doug Hopkins, 1-800-sale- now. This is Michael with Restore My Civil Rights. Tax season is here, and for many people, that refund check is an opportunity. If a past conviction is holding you back from constitutional rights, your tax return can be an investment in your future. Instead of spending your refund on something temporary, use it to remove legal barriers from your record and restore your standing as the law abiding citizen you've worked hard to become. To book a free consultation, call 855, gun rights or visit restoremycivil rights.com today. That's restoremycivilrights.com the old method of treatment for a person in this condition was to throw him in jail. It's a trap. Thomas James Band, thank you quite kindly getting us through yet another morning here. It's 6:43. We get a 7:00 clock word for you. Just a little bit. I'm just finding this out. Somebody, somebody said, you know, Iran's soccer team is here. Like what? Evidently they did some time up in Scottsdale and they're training down there in Tucson. So I leave them down there. I was gonna say, I'm not against that. I'm not against those Iranians down there in Tucson. In fact, if you're a sleeper cell, Tucson's beautiful this time of year. You guys should consider maybe doing some work down there. I'll bust them in. Like, if you want to. Hey look, it's KUPD's. You know, like in World War II, it was like, we want to be part of the war, Help the war effort. We will help the war effort by getting any Iranian citizen that wants to go to Tucson. I'll get you a free bus ride. We'll get you down there. I'll put you in Tucson in a heartbeat. Iranian, you're blending with all the Mexicans. No one will even know you guys are plotting. And then you can blow up whatever's down there in Tucson. That would be horrible. Put the towel on your head.

[Brady]

Eh?

[John Holmberg]

Right there. In that raceway drive. And I just work my way out inside to out. And then. Oh, Iranians are bombing Tucson. Oh, no. I'm gonna watch a mock draft. Oh, they blew up Tucson is Nancy Guthrie. Oh. Anyway, so good luck down there. I didn't know that. How are they even? Come on.

[Brady]

I just saw something like. Trump was like, I don't care if they participate in the world.

[John Holmberg]

Of course not. Here's how big a dicks Iran is in the world, by the way. This is how you know your country's dicks. Russia's not allowed to play in the World cup because they invaded Ukraine. We pretty much just walked into Iran and started blowing stuff up. And people were like, thank you. You're fine. Don't worry about it.

[Brady]

We're hosting.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, we're good. Don't. Don't worry about it. And smart. If you're going to host it, that's the year you should attack unprovoked war. And I know it's provoked over time, but really, just recently, it has been. But they hated, like, immediately. Okay, can't play in any reindeer games over here. Russia, you're going to beat up on. On the Ukraine. You're not allowed to play soccer anymore. They're like, fine, we do it. They're like, all right, you're good. Can Iran still play? I'm like, I suppose. Don't they have bigger fish to fry than, like, work? What if Iran won the World Cup? They're not even a place anymore. They're not gonna.

[Brady]

Do you believe in miracle?

[John Holmberg]

It would be their miracle on grass. They send over announcers and stuff. Who's paying for this? The whole thing is a shame. Wait a minute. I don't know.

[Brady]

You've never called a soccer game before.

[John Holmberg]

Called soccer again before. Why are you wearing such a big vest? It's 85 out. I don't know. I get chills, so let me down. Where are the microphones? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's Dagoostown. I like it.

[Brady]

It's.

[John Holmberg]

Sorry, It's a little hot in Tucson right now for a huge vest like this. All right. Walk through that metal detector. No problem. You can still use metal detectors. Like, we're okay.

[Brady]

Who know about this a la Michael.

[John Holmberg]

Don't worry about it. It's me and Mike and Chris Hollingsworth. We are Iranian soccer announcers. We'd like to watch the team practice. What are they doing down there? Practicing soccer. As long as they're down there, we will play for the great country of Iran. Well, at least what they know what I'm talking about. It was a country. Who are you playing for, do you think? The Ayatollah? When you're done, you don't even have one.

[Brady]

Coach says there's no practice for a while.

[John Holmberg]

Man, I'm telling you, that's a dangerous team on the pitch. Not only will they blow stuff up, moments notice, they don't want to go home. You're fighting a dragon down there. These dudes are gonna be. Oh, it's gonna be two to one a lot. And Iran's gonna surprise some people because what happens when they lose and get booted from the Cup? They're not going back. Going back to Tehran. They're gonna stick around. I'd watch that Iranian soccer team. Those dudes are definitely. It's a trap. They're not here for soccer. You're being a bigot. You're goddamn right. I was told a week ago, keep your eyes open for things that aren't normal. You do gentucan. That's not normal. Go practice in Iran. We can't because you guys are bombing us. So your next best stop is to go to the country. Bombing you in practice. That doesn't make that. We'll send you down to Mexico. Please. No. Nothing is worse than that. We'll go back to Iran. We're sorry.

[Brady]

Who are they gonna scrimmage over there? Yeah, we can't scrimmage.

[John Holmberg]

Anyone just like a Kiva high school, like, hey, guys, you want to go practice soccer against the Iranians? No, I want to live. That's not a ball. It's got a fuse on it. Just kick it.

[Brady]

No, that's part of the exchange in gifts. Thank you, Flynn.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Here in America, we want to let you know that you're not all our enemies. We love you very much for all things you've done. And here's a gift, a token of our appreciation. We'd like to also give you a token of our appreciation. Here you go. As a gift from Iran. It's a clock. Hurry up. And we're going to run real quick. We're late for our lunch. So just you hang on to that. Okay, Bye. Oh, it was a faulty clock. We are so

[Brady]

two teams are only left for the World Cup.

[John Holmberg]

They're going to be a tough out. Guys, I know it's three nothing with two minutes left, but if we don't get that ball in the goal three times and at least tie this thing, we're going back to Tehran, Iran, with another goal. Three truckets letter, another goal. They're getting goals off the. That middle thing. That the boring part of soccer, where they just stand in the middle of the pitch and kick it back and forth to each other. They might score, like, 30 or 40 goals. They just can't be stopped. These guys don't want to go home, so. Yeah, watch out for that. But evidently, they're practicing here. So we got a nuclear power plant, like, 25 miles to the west. 30. And the Iranian soccer team is here. I'm not great at math, but that adds up real fast and real easy for me.

[Brady]

I'd like to set up a field trip.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's a flashcard. While we are here in the States, can we take a look at some of your. I don't know, features? The camelback looks nice. And maybe we go to an intel plant, see how you make the chips. And what's a big bubbly building out in the west? Oh, that's our nuclear power plant. You guys don't have that? No, we're not allowed. Oh, well, you can take a look at ours. You have enriched plutonium and yellow cake. Tons of it. Oh. So if this was to, say, I don't know, accidentally meltdown, what would happen? Oh, catastrophic. We're so close to a major metropolitan area. It's a good question. We appreciate that. That's all right. You know that we could kill over 4 million people? They're walking around in their soccer kits. Hey, number 11. Me? You're number 11, right? Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I'm number 11. I made the quarterback. I want to test some quarterback in soccer. I know. I was kidding. I was testing you. Anyway, I'm just gonna take some photos here of the plant. You guys sound like Triumph the insult comic. I know. We get that all the time. Anyway, this guy says, john, I had a friend who had an addiction to booze. That's called alcoholism. So he dried up there in AA and then traded that booze addiction to coffee. He's drinking so much coffee, his prostate fell out. Had to have prostate surgery last September, and that didn't work. So now he's got permanent diaper needs, and not just for his pee. He can't control his poop either. Went from running five miles a day to wearing diapers. Suicidal now. And I said to him, I'm like, did the doctors say this is forever? Like, would stop? And drinking coffee goes, yep, it's forever. Well, I'm just. I'd check out. That's it. If the doctor said you got to wear diapers forever, I'd Be like, huh, I'm out. I'm not a fighter. I'm not a fighter. It's permanent that you're always going to have diapers and then when you go home, you're going to take those diapers off and you have to clean up your ass cheeks and your thighs every single day. Like, no, no, I've had a good run. I don't need ash cheek poops. I don't need somebody in the room with me, like, turning, turning. Did I get it all? No, there's still some by the lower back. God damn it. I rooster tailed. I don't even feel it. I can't even feel it. And this guy says, I will orally pleasure Paula the Toledo hater live on the air until she's done at least three times. If you fire Toledo right now. He gave us only the gay ass condensed show for Wednesday. No one asked for this. No one wants a condensed version. He's an over the top for no reason ass mother effer. I wish his dad. I wish his dad would come back just to beat his ass one time and then leave. Yeah, there's people complaining about the condensed version. And if you're only getting the condensed version, here comes. I don't know. What did you do there, Richard? I don't know. I don't know anything about that podcast. Hi, Richard, help us out with a Blake wants to kill you.

[Richard]

I just checked the numbers. As per usual, the full show gets twice the downloads that the condensed version.

[John Holmberg]

You did them all yesterday.

[Richard]

They're all there.

[John Holmberg]

Every one of them's there.

[Richard]

I can show you the downloads. If you can't find him, that's your problem.

[John Holmberg]

Take that. Figure it out. All right, well, we're not only mad at you today for screwing up everything yesterday, God knows how or what, but Blake wants to kill you. And look. Sounds like. Go to hell, Blake. Yeah, it sounds like. Sounds like Paula the Toledo hater is going to get a nice batch of cunnilingus from this. Well, good luck, Paula. Why? Blake and Paula might hit it all.

[Richard]

I'm for it. I'm all for it.

[John Holmberg]

They've got hate and you in common. Yeah, I also got emails from people that said, hey, Shake Brady. Uh, oh, yeah. Evidently, yesterday you confused the hell out of people that shake. You did this? We looked at it again. I looked at it, got these emails immediately. You're a steak and shake thing about bitcoin. Yeah, not even close to accurate. And a dude got excited about it and looked into it. You said that they were paying 21 cents an hour in bitcoin. Yeah. And then led them to believe that they'll do $1,000 contribution in Bitcoin for that. No. Yeah, but that's what we listened again. You were way off. It's to a Trump.

[Brady]

They'll match it.

[John Holmberg]

No, they'll match the Trump coin, which is worthless.

[Brady]

Oh, I didn't see the.

[John Holmberg]

It's right here in your story. We grabbed the papers. I looked again. It's right there. It says the chain added it will offer $1,000 contribution to the Trump accounts, which are set to launch July 4th.

[Brady]

And I didn't know the Trump accounts were bitcoin.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, but it's not.

[Brady]

I thought.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, well, you said it was a

[Brady]

dollar firm, not a match.

[John Holmberg]

No, you said that you led them to this guy to believe that it's $1,000 match on Bitcoin every time you get to $1,000. And we listened to it again yesterday. It was very much that. Also, a guy pointed out that Jeffrey Owens. You told the story about John Christian Love from Better Call Saul. Yeah. He's now an Amazon delivery driver. That is not Jeffrey Owens from the Cosby Show. So we were talking yesterday. I'm like, that's his name. Or we couldn't remember. Elvin was his name. Elvin. Remember Elvin. He was working at Trader Jones. I remember that they were making the comparison to Elvin that Jeffrey Owens, who played Elvin, was spotted working at Trader Joe's. It had to be a career researchers. I even asked the thing. I'm like, that was the same guy that was in Better Call Saul. And unfortunately, you said, yep, that was absolutely not the case. Well, you know, they. Never mind. What did we miss? No, they don't actually. There's not even. Not as far as I'm concerned. I'm just saying. But they're not even the same race for you to be bigoted that way towards. I wasn't the one that made the bad call. We're just cleaning up a little slop yesterday. Toledo's only doing little bits of work. You're just reading headlines and. Sure, whatever. And we're getting out of Dodge.

[Brady]

That was a live read right there.

[John Holmberg]

Well, yeah, but that's what reading is. Is you. You never do taped reads that you play a taped read, but when you're reading it, you're still supposed to function.

[Brady]

I meant that's the first time I saw. I saw just a little bit.

[John Holmberg]

We were aware of that. What I'm pointing out is that you did a poor job Reading it for the first time and leading us down a road. That's the point of.

[Brady]

But the Steak and Shake was dialed right on.

[John Holmberg]

Couldn't have been right.

[Brady]

$1,000.

[John Holmberg]

You did actually. No, you did. You led it to believe. Because I actually said, wow, that's pretty good. Thousand dollars in bitcoin.

[Brady]

Oh, you might have said the bit

[John Holmberg]

because I was led to believe by you. And then you agreed with me. We just have to button it up. All I'm saying is, you know, retractions. Newspapers do it. We're going to have to do this every day. So if you're looking for a job, Steak and Shake will pay you 21 cents in Bitcoin an hour. But they are not.

[Brady]

That's on top of your.

[John Holmberg]

That's wrong.

[Brady]

Wait.

[John Holmberg]

No, no, that's correct.

[Brady]

Correct.

[John Holmberg]

How confusing it was then. Brady has said and for every thousand dollars, they'll match.

[Brady]

Okay, on July 7th, they'll match the Trump's big beautiful.

[John Holmberg]

No, that was not a thousand dollar account. Thousand dollars.

[Brady]

They'll match another thousand.

[John Holmberg]

So you're getting bitcoin and Trump coin. You now heard the truth that yes, you're going to get a trump thing that isn't out yet. All right. Yesterday it was led to believe for every thousand you earn in bitcoin, they'll match it on July 7, they'll match your thousand. That's pretty hefty. When you look at bitcoin potentially being around 70 or 80 or $90,000 and

[Brady]

a nice little one even close. How I told it.

[John Holmberg]

It's. We listened to it. It was. Yeah, you don't. Don't dig your heels in. It was just a goof. And you even said it yourself. First time I ever read it. So you can see where you missed a couple details.

[Brady]

That one.

[John Holmberg]

I'm not defending this. We listened to it. Go to the tape.

[Brady]

Go back into the second one about the actor. I didn't read right off the bat.

[John Holmberg]

We know. All right. Well, if you read this, you led us to believe that it go to Steak and Shake and start asking for bitcoin. That's all I'm saying. Don't do it.

[Richard]

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[John Holmberg]

It's John Holberg here from the morning Sickness. Time to talk about TVs Doug Hopkins of my home group and Doug Hopkins.com another satisfied listener called TVs Doug Hopkins and sold her home for cash. She reached out. Her name's Ashley, and Doug wants to make it simple. Buy your house for cash as is, you don't have to do anything. Just like Ashley, no strings attached. If he moves that price, you get $5,000. Want to sell that place [e-mail] or grab the phone and sing Hopkins 1-800-now- hol. Morning sickness.

[Brady]

We get 21 cents an hour.

[John Holmberg]

I'm like, what happened there? Until Ito had this thing again. It does make you think that they're going to give you bitcoin. They're not. Don't bang their doors down. Kupd apologizes. I'll even take the brunt of this. My name's on the show. Even though we all know who did it. That's just fine. Yeah, Steak and shake ain't handing you a thousand dollars of bitcoin every time you wander in. Seven o' clock words coming up here. I'm just gonna give it to you a little early. It's whiplash, which you can get. I'm trying to follow our stories. That bouncing ball has Tourette's. Check this out. And yesterday we got some people mad us about the the menopause top. Well, it was that one lady and her name was Karen. So, you know, what are you gonna do? It says, my wife and I divorced seven years ago, John. She was terrorizing me during her menopause. Hateful woman. She Started taking swings at me. Purposefully missing, but still taking swings at me. The doctor that emailed yesterday was a hundred percent right after I left. And I felt bad about leaving her in that condition. She got married a year later, divorced that guy, and she got engaged after, and that guy left her. The second guy, her latest victim, called me and said, how the hell did you put up with that for 23 years? The answer is simple. She wasn't like that for the first 20. But the doctor that said that's her personality now is right. Her new personality is whatever that insane demon is that possessed her. I'm convinced possession in biblical days was simply menopause. They didn't know what it was. My new girlfriend is 28. I'm 57. Well, let's just start there. How'd you do that? I look great, but she is a blast. She's stupid, but she thinks I'm stupid too. The things we don't know, each of us don't know together. I don't know anything about what's happening in her world online. And she, she celebrates stuff I've never heard of. It's like dating a girl from China. But you don't have to order out for that anymore. Young girls are like mail order brides now. They have totally different worlds. They live in our equal stupidity matches. She teaches me her world and I teach her a world that once was. And I'll be dead before she starts menopause. This is a huge win for me, Vince. Yeah, that's a Good point. You're 30 years ahead of her. There's no possible way that menopause affects you again. Genius. Now my guess is she's gonna want a different life in about four years. She turns 30 and looks around and goes, this 60 year old is crapping himself and acting stupid a lot. He watches way too much Antiques Road show for my taste.

[Brady]

Tick tock.

[John Holmberg]

And she's in there doing tick tock dances with a ring light. You're like, well, you shut that ring light on. It hurts my cataracts. But hey, ride it while it's in front of you. Hey, if Belichick can do it, this guy can do it. Belichick is an inspiration. That Dude's pulling a 50 year age pioneer. He is a pioneer. Nobody, I don't think anybody in the history of man has had a 50 year age gap and still been functional. There's been 50 year age gaps, but most of the time that dude's in a hospital bed and there's some hot model leaning in like, I'm in on this. Like, we know what you're doing. Belichick still walks around. He's got a job. He's smiling, she's smiling. Nobody can figure it out. The man's an inspiration. He's an inspiration to all men and women, all of them. That's going to make that Karen lady that emailed yesterday furious. She's. The smoke's already coming off her keyboard right now. Oh, yes, she's firing off. All those letters have worn out. She's got to memorize the QWERTY. She doesn't need that anymore. She's just got 67 black dots on a box, and she's hitting all of them perfectly. One other thing you said about menopausal women, like, here we go. But that dude's wife three times divorced her after 23 years. I can't. Can't put up with anymore. You're gonna take swings at me? I gotta go. You don't know what I'm going through. No, you're right. I don't. And then gets married again. That guy's out in a year. He's not tolerating. And then gets it. Yeah, got it. She must be pretty good looking, because in seven years time, she not only got married again, she got divorced there, too. And then engaged again. Because she's crazy. And they're a lot of fun. Aren't they all? Well, yeah, you got that. But this dude's right. You get one of them tick tock influencers, starts moving around, saying things you don't understand, like, what the hell is a huncho? He's like the greatest singer ever. Hunch. Huncho. Okay, low key. Let me play it for you. Low key. Oh, God. I don't know what you're saying. I don't even know if it's the same language. But it's no different than what guys used to do when they get fed up with wives and just order some Asian lady to show up. Barely speaks a language. We knew a dude who did it. Name was Charlie. Very successful man in this city. All of a sudden, Charlie started, showed up with some Vietnamese lady, go to dinner with her, and you had to act like it was normal. Is this all right? Is she 12 or 35? I can't. Oh, you never know these people. Look, she can hear us. Huh? Does she have any idea what we're saying? Nope. And our old boss Chuck, was friends with him. And he was a wild bigot. I heard him on the phone once. Go. We'll go. Out to dinner. That's just you and me and sweet Mary, my wife and that you've sent over. That the slant you're gonna bring to dinner? That's my wife, Chuck. She doesn't speak the language. Charlie.

[Brady]

He's got a new geisha.

[John Holmberg]

He's got this new. Running around in her big block shoes, putting all that kabuki makeup on and serving him. Evidently just blowing them till the cows come home. Sounds pretty good to me, Chuck. Oh, they don't have anything to talk about. Yeah, I know. That sounds better. Do you want to talk to him? She just wants to blow him all the time. I know. Torture sounds awful. What'd he pay for that? Oh, 400 grand. Like, good Christ. She showed up and they stayed together for a long time. Still there, or did she bounce like your buddy? He's got to be dead. He's probably dead, but he had two in our. Yeah, he bumped. Yeah, he dropped one of them and then the second one showed up and they were together till the end, I think. Didn't you have a buddy that did that? Yeah, I had a friend, but he was in his late 20s and he gave up early and he ordered one up, but he ordered another one.

[Brady]

Got stung.

[John Holmberg]

Well, it was 10. Well, it was him. That was Ronson. It was 10 grand for the girl to come over. And then 90 days is all. She stayed. But he didn't know that.

[Brady]

There's a dude at the arena that. I knew that.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Never seen anything like it, though. Went to his house. He still lived with his parents, for God's sakes.

[Brady]

They're in the basement.

[John Holmberg]

No, they're in a bedroom. In the regular ranch style home in Gilbert, across the hall was mom and dad, and Quan Lee and Ronson lived together. And I'd go over there and she's mowing the grass barefoot.

[Brady]

Dream setup.

[John Holmberg]

Mowing the grass barefoot. Which my dad would have lost his mind. Gonna cut your feet off. I'm like, how bad do you think I am at this point? I don't ever get in front of it. Don't screw up my tiff. Grass. Oh, that was a constant. You're gonna cut your goddamn feet off. I'm like, dad, I'm behind it. I don't like this. Put some shoes on. You think shoes are gonna stop that blade? Ah, you're smartass. I'm like, whatever. I go over there and Quan Lee's in a bikini mowing the grass. And the parents of Ronson at first were like, I can't believe you're 26 years old, you're already giving up on finding a lady. You're buying one, you save $10,000. She showed up, and all of a sudden the dad was like, this is good stuff. You guys can live here forever. She's doing cooking every day and doing laundry. Laundry. She was. I went over there the one time after she was mowing the grass. Another time I went over, she had taken all of the cushions off the couches. All the. She had them in the backyard. She was cleaning the couch.

[Brady]

It's amazing.

[John Holmberg]

She had taken it apart. Ancient Chinese secret. And then the brother Jeffrey, who was a. Trying to be a pro bowler, he's like, I'm in on this. And then he ordered one light starts Quan. And that's when we found out that after 90 days, they get their. They get some sort of paperwork that allows them to leave again and they can be free. She was beautiful. So while his brothers was flying over, Ronson's disappeared like Nancy Guthrie. And I don't think they ever found her. So the other one showed up and the dad's like, well, let's not look a gift horse in the mouth. We know we got 90 good days with her. And she showed up and did the exact same laundry.

[Brady]

She did our nails.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. No, she was on day 90. She was gone too. Yeah, they both were gone. Well, that was the setup.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And how much did it cost him? 10 grand in 1995 money. For now he was probably 23 or 4, now that I think about. He get 10 GS for that? He's saving money at Tony Romas. Wow. And then he went and worked somewhere else.

[Brady]

He was.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, Ronson was paper out money. He was done when he was a kid. It's good. It was a great. And I think his dad kicked in for the brother. He's like, jesus Christ, we're getting another one. Here's five. I'll match was pretty good. That's a little over three grand a month for us, broad. Yeah. I mean, yeah. I mean, back in 95, that's probably. You probably double that, maybe a little more. So it's probably 7, 500 bucks a month. But I mean, you were getting some. There's some performance in that.

[Brady]

It's more than just a visit.

[John Holmberg]

And then she banged him non stop. He was giddy as I've ever seen a human being. He was a little dopey to begin with. Oh, he laughed before every sentence, like Dr. Hibbert on the Simpsons. I don't know what's going on, Johnny. Why are you so happy? And then you just point to the backyard of that half naked Asian that was mowing the grass. No one in that house did anything for 180 days because they had an overlap of Asians that came in as slaves. And then they left. Almost worth it. We figured 10 grand for three months. You give her 15, she might stay 5. That's 30 grand a year to have everything you've ever wanted in your house taken care of. And that includes BJ's and anal and anything. And they were pretty, you know, for refugees.

[Brady]

He set up a progressive DO income increase. You get a bump in pay after 90 days, it goes up. It's the only way to keep them.

[John Holmberg]

Look, you had to. Yeah, well, because you couldn't be a 10 grand bitch. They showed up for money. They're not here for love. But they rode. They rode that kid like nobody's business for. I think he's married to an American now. Last picture I saw, he looked pretty sad. So I'm assuming he got married. Some American broad ruining his life. But though he, he was king of the. He was Bill Belichick for three months. Wow. May, June and July of. I believe it was 1996.

[Brady]

Yeah, I was married for about three months. It just didn't work.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Married or not, did they get married? What happened immediately? Well, you have to go through some paperwork process, but once they're like, looks good to me, but moving on.

[Brady]

Girlfriend?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. It had to be tough.

[Brady]

My first wife left me.

[John Holmberg]

Well, she left everybody. She had a history of abandonment. She left the whole country once. But the 90 day Asian was. That's a program. I think after 90 days they win a nail salon. As Casey said, that's probably true. After 90 days you get your own nail salon. It was pretty awesome. But at the time, you sit and think to yourself, this doesn't. This doesn't seem so bad. Ronson and his brother Jeffrey, they were ahead of the curve. Everybody thought they were a little bit dopey, but they figured it out first,

[Brady]

went on the air.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, did I tell you whiplash was the word? Yeah, I did.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

But whiplash got it again.

[Brady]

There's that outfit. I. I think New Times did an article on it, but they were here for a while. Where they were fly over to Russia.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah. I tried to get that on when I worked at the old station. And the problem with that was they started a little skirmish in the area we were supposed to fly. The guy, he was. We found the. The world's biggest Nerd. And we're like, you're never gonna find a girl. And he spoke full Klingon, and he was just a complete dork. And I'm like, you're never getting a girl with the things you're interested in. So we, we bought him a Russian bride. It was a. A company that advertised, and they got on with us, and I'm like, I can get you a guy. And we're gonna fly him over there to meet one. He was talking online with him, and then the day he was flying over, Russia started a fight with something, and they. They banned air travel, so they never got her.

[Brady]

And before that, there was a couple people that actually. Yeah, I, I. You go over there for two weeks, you meet a couple of potential. Pick one.

[John Holmberg]

It was. Yeah, they fly over. You had the ones online that. Because that was right when the Internet started, and you saw pictures of them and then you go. And they'd have, like, a little mixer.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And then you talk to them in person, and they put their best foot forward. And then you possibly fly home with one, like picking up a Hyundai.

[Brady]

You just had to get three weeks off.

[John Holmberg]

Like a Hyundai with a vagina. In fact, I think that's what Ronson's wife was named. Hyundai Vagina. That was a rough one. But sorry to the guy who emailed in about the menopause thing. It's. It's just no fun. Feel bad for you.

[Brady]

This is my wife, Palisades.

[John Holmberg]

She's. Yeah. You guys seen that monkey in, I don't know where it is, China or something. All the other monkeys kicked it out and it gave.

[Brady]

They gave him a stuffed animal.

[John Holmberg]

That stuffed animal. Another stuffed animal selling off the shelves and stuff like that.

[Brady]

Yeah. At ikea.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. We don't do that for people. Sell them off the shelves. No, no. Like, what if that monkey's just an asshole? And all the other monkeys got together and said, that's enough. But we feel sorry for him. But if you see a dude just walking around alone and nobody wants to talk to him, you don't give him a stuffy and start filming him and saying how cute he is. Why do we do that for animals?

[Richard]

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[John Holmberg]

I don't know the name of that thing, but even then I did this,

[Brady]

I forgot the name because did you

[John Holmberg]

see the story with the little stuffy? And now it's becoming this Internet sensation. He's so cute. And then another monkey gave him a second chance. Punch. There it is.

[Brady]

Punchy.

[John Holmberg]

Another monkey gave him a second chance, and then he's like, nah, this guy's an asshole. And he was alone again. And we're like, oh, all the other monkeys are jerks. I'm like, no, they're probably right. Like, it's not a phrase. I say 20 monkeys can't be wrong. If they're kicking him out, there's got to be a reason. There's. He's got to be like. Like, maybe he's the Kevin Spacey of monkeys. Or, yeah, maybe he's the Jared Fogle of monkeys. And he touches the young monkeys. And everybody's like, we gotta kick him out of society. We do it constantly. We've got buildings specifically built to kick people out of society. We get involved in the zoo, and we act like, no, he's gotta be adorable. He's getting special treatment.

[Brady]

He's getting drug around for a while.

[John Holmberg]

I'm the only person on the planet that's calling for the death of Punch the monkey. I think that's. Everybody else wants it to be some cute story. I think he needs to be euthanized. He's adapt or get out. And the whole monkey group and I don't know what you call a gaggle of monkeys.

[Brady]

Crew.

[John Holmberg]

The crew. The crew.

[Brady]

It's a gang of macaques.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah, it's a macaque gang. I don't know, but they said, that's enough. And then all of a sudden. So we just encouraged more monkeys to act like assholes because they see that the trainers give them extra attention and they get toys. And so if I was a monkey and I'm looking at that, I'm like, well, screw this. What am I doing in the gang? Might as well run over here and be an independent monkey that gets tons of pride. It's a troop of monkeys, all right. Gonna wander over here with Punch and get free stuff from the humans who think it's cute that I'm a dick. I knew it was like, at first, they just, oh, they've abandoned him. They won't accept him into their group. And I'm like, what do you do? Well, it doesn't matter. Yes, it does. Is what we do with people if, you know, you fire a guy who acts like a dick, We've done it. That's enough. You cast them out. You know, on the way out, Trip doesn't go, all right, here's your stuffed animal and a cute ring camera so we can film you being adorable and unwanted.

[Brady]

Well, this makes you any happier? Punch is outgrowing his plushie.

[John Holmberg]

He's starting to rip it up. And he's a dick.

[Brady]

Starting to say, I'm done with this.

[John Holmberg]

Punch is a dick. Punches an Irish monkey, Eventually you get tired of it. It's punch here. Yeah, he's ripping up the monkey. That's a gift. Is he tearing that monkey up? I'll give him one more. That's it. If he rips that monkey up, he's out. You know what's gonna happen? The cute Punch. The monkey is gonna tear the face off of a baby monkey or something. Everybody said, what happened? Like, no, you guys were nice to the monkey we put up. We needed to put him down.

[Brady]

Well, it's just that, you know, for a while he believed in that monkey, that this was his real, you know.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Brady, there's a reason.

[Brady]

Wait a minute.

[John Holmberg]

This thing's not working. The other monkeys hated him so much. Even in a zoo, he had to go stand alone. We do that with all animals, but like orphans, we ignore the hell out of those things.

[Brady]

Like, well, you know, I hate seeing it. It's tough in the wild. In the wild that, you know, Punch is gone.

[John Holmberg]

You see a veteran walking around by himself, nobody will talk to him. You're like, probably deserves it. Nobody's giving him a stuffed animal.

[Brady]

Maybe that's what we should start doing.

[John Holmberg]

No, we're right to do it the way we've been doing it, Brady. You don't start handing them gifts. They keep showing up.

[Brady]

They get other gifts. Drugs and.

[John Holmberg]

Right. And then they show up at your door. Hey, man, remember that time you gave me some money?

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

That was a one time deal.

[Brady]

Open the door.

[John Holmberg]

Great. Turns out that guy was an asshole. You cast out those members of society and those apes tried to do it. And the zookeepers, like, he's still sticking around. Yeah, you get him out of there. You get him out of there. All right, we gotta change the subject. The emails are crazy. I know. They're crazy. People are terrible. So the human version of that little monkey nobody liked was that kid from Tucson. Remember when his mom exploited him for son's tickets when nobody came to his giant birthday party? Yeah.

[Brady]

And she posts that picture.

[John Holmberg]

But that picture. Well, she'd also. If we. We ran that through the BS meters. She had like nine pizzas ordered. No one showed up. But two of the pizza.

[Brady]

Let's go ahead and order them anyway.

[John Holmberg]

Two of the pizza tins were empty.

[Brady]

That's.

[John Holmberg]

They were hammering some pizza.

[Brady]

Like there's no need to order the ad.

[John Holmberg]

Of course not. Then he had to stand next to. And she had passed out all the plates, set up the table cake. And then her kids stood there sad like nobody showed up to Tommy's birthday. And who was the first and only station in all the media to go, maybe Tommy's an asshole. This is a good life lesson for him. Peter Piper's not that expensive. Exactly. So if nobody shows up to your birthday party, it's not them, it's you. And you can be seven and an asshole. It's my seventh birthday party and she put that all these other kids are mean and no, your kid is something wrong with him. That's a litmus test for where he stands socially. If no kids showed up, even the parents didn't force their kids. You gotta show up to Tommy's birthday. I know you don't like him. It's five minutes. It's part of life. You gotta do things you don't wanna do. Sometimes I don't wanna hear it from nobody. Went to his birthday party. That's on your kid. Your kid's a dick. If Brett had a birthday party and no one showed up, I guarantee you your. Your folks wouldn't have questioned the other kids. The hell's wrong with our boy? Yeah, we had some kind of dick or something. You're driving home, your mom would have been like, I don't know. Maybe he's an. I think that's how your mom sounded. It looks like we're raising an Here, Kurt. Oh, that's our son. Yeah. That's 100. What would have happened?

[Brady]

He's an.

[John Holmberg]

I just spent 85 on six pizzas. Ain't nobody showed up. My boy's animal.

[Brady]

Maybe he's a little light in the low.

[John Holmberg]

He could be queer. Then the quiz would have showed up. Not even the twinks came by. This kid's an asshole. I don't know that's exactly what would have happened. That's what. My parents would have been in the car, my car, my drive would have been quiet. My mom would have been like, it's all right, Sean. My dad went like, don't. It's not all right. We got a lot of problems. We'll talk about it when we get home. It would have been quiet until my dad had assessed the situation and then walked into my room and done that weird thing. You gay? No. Jesus. All right. Why are you an. Then what are you doing? Why doesn't anybody like you? Even Stebbings didn't show up. Even Mark didn't show up. And he seems to like you. I don't know, dude. I just seem to get along with the other kids, all right? I don't need some school shooter walking around the house.

[Brady]

Shows a bad day.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, we. No, no, no, no, no. You're. Let me see your notebook. Are you writing manifestos? My dad would have been all over that.

[Brady]

So many people with their axes in their head.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. If you've got a kid and it's. And punch the monkey and you go, oh, that's just like when Jeffrey was a boy and we had parties and no one came. If you invite eight and two show up, you got an asshole. You got an. Unlike the kid. I've always said if the parents show up with the guests to the party, they're forcing their kid to go. Kids. Kids should want to go to free pizza parties. There isn't a kid out there. Like, they could be the biggest dick at school. Jesse Valenzuela and in sixth grade. No, but if that dude had a birthday party, I'd have gone to it for the pizza. You know how big a jerk you've got to be for kids to not show up for free pizza and video games? That's on your kid. Then he had like a. The sons gave him a jersey and let him get on the court with you. Why? Punch the monkey is a perfect example of that. Punch the monkey. Trevor says, punch the monkey is Toledo. At least his dad was like, I don't want this one. It's a baby. It's an asshole baby. He's just a baby. Yeah, I see the writing on the wall here. I'm out. He treated Toledo's dad treated him like it was an episode of Shark Tank.

[Brady]

Ah.

[John Holmberg]

I'm looking at his eyes and his body, and for that reason, I'm out. He's gonna pass. Hard pass on this one. I'm sorry. Thanks, Mr. Warner. He might have a Great life. But for that reason, I'm out. I'll take him, but I want 80% everything he earns. And if you don't give it to me for that reason, I'm out. Yeah, take a look at your kid.

[Brady]

Throw a.

[John Holmberg]

Throw a non birthday party for your kid just to see where he stands. It's a good idea just to be like, all right, let's see who shows up. And if it's less than four or five people and your kids like, I don't like a lot of people. You got a dick on your hand. Everybody or school shooter. That's the thing you really gotta worry about.

[Brady]

Well, if there's 30 invites and you

[John Holmberg]

get three or four, you base it off a percentage of show ups if you did and do it on a Wednesday because then you'll find out how much people really like them. Do a little Wednesday pizza party. Make it inconvenient. But it's free pizza. Kids show up for that no matter what. And if like three of the 30 show up, you've got, you got yourself a manifesto writer on your hands. You got to be careful with that. Watch out. Your kids can be dicks too. And I know nobody does that. This one says, bro, Parents are the ones that have to bring them. I know, but if they stay, there's a plan to get them out fast. They're going to eat their pizza and they're like, we got to go. We got meetings. Like the kid has meetings. Yeah, he's not staying alone. He doesn't want to be here. We don't need the fight. I say you let Punch the monkey go right back into that group of monkeys and let the monkeys monkey justice I call it. You let them handle it. Jberg say he'd go to an free birthday party for the pizza. That figures. That's true. That isn't a Jewish trait. That's everybody. You think Brady's not showing? Brady showed up to my uncle's funeral. He never met the guy. Just for the food. It was a good move.

[Brady]

Great guy.

[John Holmberg]

Pinwheels. I was showing support for something rather than pinwheels.

[Brady]

These are good pinwheels.

[John Holmberg]

Eyeballed that table like it was his. Hey, Bray is my aunt Connie. How you doing? Were you married to the stiff? No, it's my brother in law. Anyway, move, lady. In front of the pinwheels. Past the ranch. These are mine. Brady brought a flag with his name on it and he would put it in the food. It's like ponchos you're walking by. Yeah, yeah. Ponchos had little flags with a BB on it. Like, bb. Who put BB in? All of those are mine. I pre claimed them before we did.

[Brady]

Two flags, red and green. Green for go. Keep it coming.

[John Holmberg]

Before people started yabbing about the stiff, I went over and I claimed some stuff. That's mine. That's the biggest enchilada, and that belongs to me. I didn't drive over here to pay my respects for salad. I'm getting the big one.

[Brady]

Ted was a good guy. His name's Tim.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, don't care. Nice bread you can get on me for a free pizza party. But Brady actually showed up to my uncle's funeral. I actually said the words, what are you doing here? The stiff, all right, I'm supporting the family. And his eyes are, like, looking way over at the table of. That's decent. Did he not have a ton of friends? Not really. He didn't live here long. Oh. How long do you think this serve is gonna take before we can go hammer those wheels? Yeah, actually, to me, I don't think I could do it. I don't think I'd go to a funeral of a dude I never met and actually eat the food. I don't feel like that was for me. Brady had one of those napkins stacked up, pinwheels, little sauce on his cheeks. He's a good man. From what I heard today from the three or four people that actually showed up, it's a tragedy. Tragedy, really? We lost him so soon.

[Brady]

More for me, I think about it, it's like I was asked to eulogize a friend of mine years ago because he died pretty early. 46. And I actually part of the eulogy. I ordered Tommy's pizza.

[John Holmberg]

Now you got pizza brought in because you're one of.

[Brady]

I wanted to make sure there was good food there.

[John Holmberg]

Part of pizza gate. We know what you're doing. Nice job, Hillary. Go to order that up anyway. Keep your eyes open for your kid and whether or not they're dicks. I know all you think your kids are awesome, but 88% of you are wrong. Jim Jeffries did that once. Asked the crowd, he goes, how many of you think your kids are dicks? Show of hands. And no one raised their hands. He's like, statistically, this is impossible because you've been in society. It's like, most people are assholes. You're raised. Some of you are raising horrible little people. I don't know what I'd rather have a jerk that I can tame, but one of those dull kids with Dead eyes that just stares at people and they meet them and like, oh no. They've got one of those dead eyed kids. That would. I think that would be worse. I'd rather have a. I think you can because you never know about that dead eye kid. The dead eyed kid is either a murderer or forever. Dead eye? Yeah. There's nothing worse sometimes.

[Brady]

Fix the dick.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. The asshole. You can rain. I'd rather say it's an old Mike Tomlin ism. I'd rather say whoa than sic em, you know, I'd rather pull the reins than say go. So if you're already going, I'm like, all right, calm down, calm down. Let's bring you back here. You're gonna get there eventually. I appreciate the energy. Dead eyed kid just stares at you. Good boy.

[Brady]

Suffer to fix the.

[John Holmberg]

Watch the paint dry. I gotta start. I gotta break out the whip around the third turn on this one. Holmberg's morning sickness. I don't wanna do a. Nothing better than meeting a kid like. This is my. My friend from work. His name's John. I'm like, how are you? And they just stare at you. Well, you're like 17. You should have a hello in there somewhere.

[Brady]

Sup, bro?

[John Holmberg]

Oh my God, he's dead eyed. You raised a dead eye. Just dumb, I think. I was a dead eyed kid until I was about 14. I was energetic everywhere else, but whenever I'd meet my dad's friends, I'd just stare at him because I didn't know what I was supposed to do. I'd get in trouble for everything if I did something wrong. My dad. What the hell did you tell Larry that for?

[Brady]

Like, huh?

[John Holmberg]

What did I say? You're talking about your ass for a second. I don't know what the hell was going on. Why don't you just keep it down when we're in company, okay? That's why his friend thought you were in the closet. Yeah, Hankins doesn't need to hear about your knees getting all cut up because you're on them all the time.

[Brady]

Talk about the ruler stuck in your mouth.

[John Holmberg]

Why did you tell Hankins about the ruler? Because I just had that happen. Dad, I got it cut and the stitches in the back of my throat. I'm gonna get teased at work now, cuz of you. You little. Don't just. You know what? Just say hello, curtsy, or whatever the hell you people do and then walk away. What does that mean? I don't know. I got a. For a boy. It was my dad's everyday Fear. Marcy. Is he awake? Who? You know who. The John. Yes, he's awake. And he's not that. What a. You're horrible. Well, we're one day closer. That's what I know. Every day I wake up, I know I'm one day closer to the big announcement.

[Brady]

Gotta go home to the fruit roll up.

[John Holmberg]

You don't suppose he's. He's banging that Stubbings boy, do you? They're friends. I saw him in the pool. They were getting a little chummy. Should have named him Joanne. Jesus Christ. The only good news is our daughter's taken so much dick, there's no way he can beat her numbers. I hope, unlike his sister, he at least goes American. Where are you going? Pull your socks down. Why? Nobody only do that. What are you talking about? You've got thigh highs on. I'm half hard. Will you go pull your socks down? Looks cool. No, it looks gay. And so do you.

[Brady]

Okay. Quit wearing your sister's jerseys.

[John Holmberg]

My dad would be in the house and faintly hear careless whispers Start in my bedroom. Oh, no. Is that the sex solo to Careless Whisper? Is he in there doing. Oh, he's singing along. Oh, he knows all the goddamn words.

[Brady]

I kind of like this song. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Open up. Oh, he can't hear me. Open the goddamn door. What is it? Are you in a hat Shirt? What are you listening to? It's a good song, dad. Don't sing it to me. He's that Marcy. He just likes music, Dan. George Michael's a great singer. Ah, he looks like him. Are you feathering your hair like that guy? Chicks dig him. Yeah. You're the least observant thing I've ever met in my life. Not gay, dad. Watch the video for sex. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, I noticed that. He's got his clothes on and there's supermodels everywhere. A real man wouldn't have done that video without. Kept his pants on because he's. They know they're safe.

[Brady]

I'm just picturing Dan just singing that at the top of his lungs. The El Camino by himself.

[John Holmberg]

That was way we had the El Camino, so that was a 77 El Camino. I could just imagine you singing the chorus back to him, just walking through,

[Brady]

Singing the handle of his comb.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I've done that. I did that. His brush. You have a brush? Is that a brush in your back pocket? It is. It looks gay.

[Brady]

It's a goodie brush.

[John Holmberg]

It was a goodie brush. Mark does it too. Oh, he's gay too. Though. Hey, I curse you bald. I hope you never have to carry a brush around again and you'll work. Now he's just a different guy. I'm so happy that I'm heterosexual. I think that changed his life. Oh, thank God. He D's the pee. I can press dizzy now. And now he's fun. My dad's my friend now. Back then it was just. He was the guardrails to homosexuality that didn't need to be put up. But if I had a birthday party, people showed up and he was happy about that. But he also noticed that I never invited girls over. Like man pool parties. All the baseball team would show up and. Any girls coming?

[Brady]

No.

[John Holmberg]

Why? It's a pool party. Oh, God. He's having a sausage dick off in my pool. Is everybody on the baseball team a homer? We're having fun, dad. Cheese. I'm gonna get some prostitutes over here and see if these boys even react. Drove them bananas. I'd have a talk with him about it, but he denies it. Did you think I was gay? Geez, no. Why would you want. Whatever led you to believe that? I don't know. All the times you called me a. I was just playing around. We were having fun, right? Seven o'. Clock. Word is whiplash. That's what you want to do. And we also have to say before we get to the Wake up song so long to a show regular. We haven't been on for a while, but we lost a gem, the great Lou Holtz, who went into hospice a few weeks ago. And we memorialized him in the squares. Lou Holtz gone. And as an adult, an adult male who should no longer do this. I spent three hours last night sending voice memos as Lou Holtz to another person who does Lou Holtz impressions and yet another person who does Lou Holtz impressions. And we. We basically made fun of the man for about three hours back and forth on voice memos while I watched war in the background. It was a treat. And I want to say thanks to Frank Caliendo and Chuck Powell for the endless entertainment of Lou Holtz bashing as he went all the way from heaven and then went into the portal in heaven and transferred to hell to meet his most precious recruit, Muslim terrorist Raghee Bishmael. It was a long night and it was a lot of fun. It was a tribute to the great Lou Holt. I surprised Brady. I didn't get into heaven. I'm down here with the bad boys. And it all comes from illegally recruiting just about everybody at Jesus favorite school, Notre Dame. I recruited illegally, constantly, and then praised Jesus for our wins. But I skirted the system and cheated the game like nobody else ever did. And then I praised the Lord afterwards and now I'm burning an eternity for it.

[Brady]

I had a buddy that won that bid on the auction is to golf with Lou Holtz. Oh, yeah, at. I forget what course it was. It was. It might have been the master's course or whatever. Holt would be ahead of him a whole. If he didn't keep up with him.

[John Holmberg]

He just kept going.

[Brady]

He kept going even though he played to play with him.

[John Holmberg]

Then pace up. Man, I just keep dragging anchor back there. Yeah, I gotta keep it up. I got a Notre Dame game to coach here if you guys want to just drag me down and keep back up. I'm not gonna do this all day. God damn it. Hit your shot and move. If I can give anyone. Sure. If I could give you any advice at all, it would be to take a few weeks off of golf and then quit. You're terrible at it. It took me two hours to get around. What took you four hours to do. Now that's just terrible. Yeah, he was a different individual and incredibly pious about the Lord Jesus for a guy who cheated the system over and over and kept getting caught doing it. That's if you live your life for Jesus Christ. What's that? Give him a few hundred thousand dollars, he'll come to Notre Dame anyway. Back to Jesus. He'd have thrived in this new system where you can actually pay the players. He was doing it back before you could. Under Touchdown Jesus. Statues. Lord Jesus. If you could leak down a little money our way. There's a Samoan boy over there in Utah that would just finish up this line. He makes me harder than a fourth and sixth conversion from inside the seven. Good price. That's a good looking Samoan. You believe in Jesus, young man? Yes, I do. You believe in $100,000 to play for him over at Notre Dame University? Because that's what I can give you. Christ, cash. Anyway, so long, Lou. Enjoy your time down in the lake of fire. He was one of the biggest catalysts for the. The system being the way it is.

[Brady]

He was a champion.

[John Holmberg]

That's right, he was. That's how you got. That's how you won championships back before this new system. You had to buy your players, otherwise you ain't getting anything. But at least we didn't rape them like they did over at Penn State and Ohio State and Michigan State and Iowa. We're free of rape. Charges. That puts us one up.

[Brady]

Michigan.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. Michigan as well. Oh, you go down the list, Brady, but you know who's never on that list? Notre Dame. And didn't you like how Brady quickly threw Michigan in there when Ohio State's rape claims came up? Had to get the foes in.

[Brady]

Well, just. It just came in a week ago.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. Well, it was about the coach and that girl. But that's not a rape so much as it is just inappropriate behavior. Your guys raped people for about two decades and got away with it. Still getting away with it. But because it's not about the rape or the victim, it's about the pride in the school. Nobody will ever do a thing. Notre Dame never raped nobody. Well, that's not true. We were Catholics. We spent a good thousand and a half years doing that. So long, Lou. We'll miss you, buddy. Bert, you didn't have your book. I got it. Hey, look at copied. This thing you got on. The big Wake Up Song is brought to you by Modern Resolutions. Windows and doors get 30% off all windows and Doors. Mention John Holmberg and get an extra 500 off your total contract price. How about that? Family run, locally owned financing and payment options are available. Visit modernresolution.com for more info. Today and on the list, I Prevail, Gasoline, Twisted Sister, Burn in Hell, Soul Fly, the Clash, acdc, Wage War, Bad Religion, Let Them Eat War, Metallica, Cinderella, Megadeth, Liar for Brady's, for the Brady Report. Yesterday Avenge Sevenfold, Nine Inch Nails and Soil. Oh, man. Some gems I don't do. I know Megadeth's Liar. Have we played that?

[Brady]

He shreds in it.

[John Holmberg]

Not bad. I'm sure he shreds and that's all the man does. That's Megadeth.

[Brady]

That's my safe comment for that.

[John Holmberg]

It's all right, huh? All right, let's try that. All right. Well, actually, we could do Burn in Hell for Lou Holtz and Twisted Sister having their problems either way. All right, let's go with that. Burning Hell.

[Brady]

It's a nice tribute.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, you know, most people that lived aren't going to go to the good spot. There's too many rules. So let's send him down there. Plus, he's a Notre Dame guy. You should be all in on that. An opponent. Take that. It's Twisted Sister. Plus, it's a great song. And we just found out this week that Sebastian Bach from Skid Row is filling in for Twisted Sisters. Only memorable guy D. Snider because he can't be in Twisted Sister anymore. And to me that means it's over. But to money hungry promoters, it means Twisted Sister will just be some cover band now with a guy you are familiar with. Doesn't make any sense to me. Why they just kept going. The only like when Sarah Jessica Parker and very appropriate combination here. If she can't do Sex in the City, there isn't one. And if Sarah Jessica Parker can't do Twisted Sister, there isn't one. They're the same person. But if D. Snider's not in Twisted Sister, you. You don't want to see Twisted Sister. And if I go to see Sebastian Bach, if they're not doing skid row songs, I don't want to see him either. Right, but that's what we got here.

[Brady]

And they will throw a couple in.

[John Holmberg]

Of course they will. Nobody goes to see Twisted Sister with Sebastian Bach. I don't want to hear this. Or we're not going to take it. But it's Twisted Sisters 50th anniversary. No, it's not. They're done. It's plenty of things. 50th anniversary. If the dudes can't perform it, it's the Beach Boys hundredth anniversary.

[Brady]

It's a tribute band.

[John Holmberg]

Right, But D will be there like in a chair going, all right, like, doesn't make sense. There's only three of the five guys because the drummer's dead. I know. So it's like the two guitar players and the bass player and Sebastian. Well, the best thing about this song is that it was in Pee Wee's Big Adventure. Absolutely. That moment when they Peewee rolled through on the bike past the video shoot for Burn in Hell. And D. Snider. Sarah Jessica Parker was on that car. I knew I was in a safe space. That movie's fantastic. Burning hell for twisted sister in Lou. It's 98 KUPD.

[Brady]

It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually.

[John Holmberg]

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