Holmberg’s Morning Sickness – March 5, 2026

Episode Overview

In this episode of Arizona’s top morning radio show, John Holmberg and crew (Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, and Dick Toledo) tackle major topics with their signature irreverent humor: Iran’s national soccer team’s U.S. training, an email about how menopause contributed to a listener’s divorce, misunderstandings around Steak and Shake’s bitcoin promotion, the “Punch the Monkey” theory for jerky kids, and memorable stories about mail-order brides and awkward birthday parties. The team riffs on human and animal behavior, generational relationships, and the legacy of Lou Holtz—while frequently digressing into wild, laugh-filled anecdotes.

Key Discussions & Insights

Iran’s National Soccer Team Training in Arizona

(00:43 – 07:30)

• Security Jokes and Stereotypes: John opens with news that Iran’s soccer team is practicing in Tucson, riffing about national security and cultural stereotypes:
  • “If you’re a sleeper cell, Tucson’s beautiful this time of year. You guys should consider maybe doing some work down there.” (01:01)
  • “Iranian, you're blending with all the Mexicans. No one will even know you guys are plotting.” (01:23)
• Contrast with Russia: Explores how Russia, after invading Ukraine, isn’t allowed to play in the World Cup—while Iran, despite tensions, is here hosting/training.
  • “Here's how big a dicks Iran is in the world, by the way...Russia's not allowed to play in the World Cup because they invaded Ukraine. We pretty much just walked into Iran and started blowing stuff up. And people were like, thank you. You're fine.” (02:46)
• Cynical Wonderings: Jokes Iran's team may be here for something other than soccer:
  • “I'd watch that Iranian soccer team. Those dudes are definitely—it's a trap. They're not here for soccer.” (05:20)
• Dark Humor with Local Landmarks: Paranoid hypotheticals about nuclear plants and Iran’s proximity:
  • “So we got a nuclear power plant, like, 25 miles to the west. 30. And the Iranian soccer team is here. I'm not great at math, but that adds up real fast...” (07:10)

Show Corrections – Bitcoin, Steak and Shake, Mistaken Actor Identity

(10:36 – 15:15 & 16:58 – 17:00)

• Bitcoin Confusion: The team discusses confusion over Steak and Shake’s bitcoin pay:
  • “If you’re looking for a job, Steak and Shake will pay you 21 cents in Bitcoin an hour. But they are not matching it with $1,000 in bitcoin for every $1,000 you earn...” (14:00)
• Misidentified Actor: Clarifies confusion between Jeffrey Owens (“Elvin” from the Cosby Show) and an actor from “Better Call Saul.”
  • “That is not Jeffrey Owens from the Cosby Show. So we were talking yesterday... Unfortunately, you said, yep, that was absolutely not the case.” (12:11)

Menopause & Relationships: Emailer’s Life-Altering Divorce

(17:15 – 23:00)

• An emailer, Vince, describes how his wife’s menopause triggered violent, mean behavior, leading to divorce, and a string of failed relationships for her.
  • “She was terrorizing me during her menopause. Hateful woman. She started taking swings at me... Possession in biblical days was simply menopause. They didn’t know what it was.” (18:00)
• Holmberg responds with humor and sympathy, noting Vince now dates a much younger woman:
  • “My new girlfriend is 28. I’m 57... I’ll be dead before she starts menopause. This is a huge win for me.” (19:10)
• They riff on the generational gap: “She’s stupid, but thinks I’m stupid too... It’s like dating a girl from China but you don’t have to order out for that anymore.” (19:20)
• Jokes about ordering younger foreign brides and tales of local guys who brought over wives from Asia and Russia add to the absurd, raucous tone.
  • “We knew a dude who did it. Name was Charlie. All of a sudden, Charlie started, showed up with some Vietnamese lady... she was mowing the grass barefoot...” (22:20–23:55)

“Punch the Monkey” Asshole Theory – How Outcasts Get Coddled

(30:16 – 40:25)

• Punch the Monkey: John relates the popular story of Punch—a monkey kicked out of its troop, to whom zoo staff keep gifting plush animals.
  • “What if that monkey’s just an asshole? And all the other monkeys got together and said, that's enough. But we feel sorry for him.” (30:38)
  • “I’m the only person on the planet that’s calling for the death of Punch the monkey... He’s a dick.” (32:45)
• Human Parallels: Draws parallels with kids ostracized in real life (e.g., no one coming to a birthday party), arguing it’s a sign of social difficulty, not always a cause for sympathy.
  • “If nobody shows up to your birthday party, it's not them. It's you. And you can be seven and an asshole.” (36:32)
• Brady chimes in: “Maybe he’s a little light in the low.” (38:06)

Kids, Social Skills, and Parenting Blind Spots

(40:25 – 45:27)

• The team jokes about assessing your kid’s likeability by non-birthday parties and tracking attendance as a social metric:
  • “Throw a non-birthday party for your kid just to see where he stands... If it's less than four or five people and your kid's like, I don't like a lot of people. You got a dick on your hand.” (40:47)
• Reference to comedian Jim Jefferies’ observation about most parents’ denial about their kids being difficult:
  • “How many of you think your kids are dicks?... Statistically, this is impossible because you’ve been in society.” (44:12)
• Discusses the difference between a “dead-eyed kid” and an asshole, preferring the latter as fixable with strong parenting.

Parental Anxiety and Generational Humor

(45:27 – 51:11)

• John recalls his dad’s concern over his behavior, suspecting him of being gay:
  • “My dad would have been in the car, my car, my drive would have been quiet. My mom would have been like, it’s all right, Sean. My dad would have been like, don’t. It’s not all right. We got a lot of problems.” (38:49)
  • “All the times you called me a... I was just playing around. We were having fun, right?” (51:12)
• Lighthearted stories about childhood interactions, birthday parties, and awkward moments with parents.

Tribute: Lou Holtz, College Football, and Institutional Hypocrisy

(52:00 – 55:54)

• The crew bids “so long” to Lou Holtz with a blend of parody and criticism.
  • “I spent three hours last night sending voice memos as Lou Holtz to another person who does Lou Holtz impressions... Basically made fun of the man for about three hours.” (52:00)
  • “I recruited illegally, constantly, and then praised Jesus for our wins... Now I’m burning in eternity for it.” (52:36)
• Sly commentary on college football’s legacy of paying players:
  • “If you live your life for Jesus Christ... Give him a few hundred thousand dollars, he'll come to Notre Dame. Anyway, back to Jesus.” (55:00)

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

Iran & Soccer Security Satire

• “If you’re a sleeper cell, Tucson’s beautiful this time of year... I’ll put you in Tucson in a heartbeat.” – John Holmberg (01:01)
• “Not only will they blow stuff up, moments notice, they don’t want to go home. You’re fighting a dragon down there.” – John Holmberg (04:51)

On Divorce and Menopause

• “Possession in biblical days was simply menopause. They didn’t know what it was.” – Emailer Vince (18:28)
• “I’ll be dead before she starts menopause. This is a huge win for me.” – John Holmberg, reading Vince's email (19:15)

Mail-Order Brides

• “She just wants to blow him all the time. I know. Torture sounds awful. What’d he pay for that? Oh, 400 grand.” – Holmberg (22:36)

“Punch the Monkey” & Social Outcasts

• “I’m the only person on the planet that’s calling for the death of Punch the monkey... He’s adapt or get out.” – John Holmberg (32:45)
• “Human version of that little monkey nobody liked was that kid from Tucson... Maybe Tommy’s an asshole. This is a good life lesson for him.” – John Holmberg (36:13)

Parenting & Kids

• “You can be seven and an asshole.” – John Holmberg (36:32)
• “If you invite eight (kids) and two show up, you got an asshole.” – John Holmberg (39:00)
• “Dead-eyed kid is either a murderer or forever dead eye.” – John Holmberg (45:19)

Lou Holtz Roast

• “I recruited illegally, constantly, and then praised Jesus for our wins... Now I’m burning in eternity for it.” – John as Lou Holtz (52:36)

Segment Timestamps

• 00:43 – 07:30: Iran’s Soccer Team, Tucson, and World Cup banter
• 10:36 – 15:15: Show corrections – Bitcoin, Steak and Shake error, Jeffrey Owens mix-up
• 17:15 – 23:00: Emailer Vince’s divorce, menopause, and new relationship; Mail-order brides
• 30:16 – 40:25: “Punch the Monkey” theory, animal and human social outcasts
• 40:25 – 45:27: Parenting, kids’ likability, party attendance and self-awareness
• 45:27 – 51:11: Parental anxiety, teenage awkwardness, generational misunderstandings
• 52:00 – 55:54: Lou Holtz tribute and NCAA hypocrisy send-off

Overall Tone & Style

The episode is marked by sarcasm, raw honesty, political incorrectness, and a high-energy, rapid-fire back-and-forth. Holmberg and co-hosts wield dark humor, nickname-laden storytelling, and local color to connect with their Arizona audience. Nearly every serious issue is undercut with a joke or sardonic observation, staying true to their brand of “morning sickness.”

This summary provides an engaging, accurate map of the show’s liveliest content, notable jokes, and recurring thematic punchlines—perfect for both loyal fans and first-time listeners seeking Holmberg’s blend of social satire and outrageous morning banter.