03-06-26 - Guad Squares - Sam Metallica Fan - Lou Holtz - Trump - Howard Stern - Iranian Brady - Barkley - Alex Jones

Summary

Podcast Summary: Holmberg's Morning Sickness – 03-06-26 – Guad Squares – Sam Metallica Fan – Lou Holtz – Trump – Howard Stern – Iranian Brady – Barkley – Alex Jones

Date: March 6, 2026
Show: Holmberg's Morning Sickness, 98 KUPD (Arizona’s longest-running top-rated morning show)
Cast: John Holmberg (host), Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo, guests (via impressions/skits): Sam the Metallica Fan, Lou Holtz, Donald Trump, Howard Stern, Iranian Brady, Charles Barkley, Alex Jones

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Episode Overview

This episode centers around the show’s beloved segment "The Guadalupe Squares," a comedic, Arizona-flavored twist on Hollywood Squares where show regulars perform irreverent celebrity and character impressions tied to news, pop culture, sports, and local events. The squares feature an all-star lineup of impersonations—Sam the Metallica Fan, the ghost of Lou Holtz, Donald Trump, Howard Stern, Iranian Brady, Charles Barkley, Alex Jones, and more—riffing on everything from upcoming Metallica contests to local sports mishaps and world affairs. Audience interaction, sharp-witted banter, and plenty of inside jokes abound.

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Key Discussion Points & Highlights

1. Hot Tickets and the Metallica Sphere Contest

• Metallica Fan Mania:

  • Holmberg hypes up the last day of their Metallica at the Sphere contest (Las Vegas trip, hotel, $200 gas) ([01:26-02:12]).
  • Sam the Metallica Fan is introduced as a square ("I don't want Metallica at the Sphere. I want Sam at the Sphere." – John, [06:06]). The crew speculates on Sam’s dream Metallica setlist and his excitement level.
  • Discussion of Vegas ticket prices and what’s “reasonable” nowadays ([29:08-29:52]).

• Notable Quote:

  "I want to sit next to you at the show, Sam. If I get tickets, that’s what I want."
  — John Holmberg ([06:02])

2. Irreverent Impressions: From Lou Holtz to Trump

• Lou Holtz (as deceased):

  • Holmberg’s Holtz laments past “sins” as Notre Dame coach, jokes about recruiting and heading to hell ([06:22-07:56]).
  • Notable Quote:

    "I now regret that recruitment of that brown terrorist Raghib Ismail. ... Some of these muzzies aren't so bad."
    — Fake Lou Holtz ([07:22-07:56])

• Donald Trump:

  • Comically "patrolling the Gulf with the Coast Guard on jet skis", brags about bombing Iran ([08:03-09:17]).
  • Taunts staff and listeners about "bombing Gilbert" for dad jokes.
  • Mix of local and geo-political satire; lively crowd reaction.
  • Later, jokes connect Trump’s style to Minecraft gold and Israel’s Iron Dome ([24:34-25:48]).

• Notable Quote:

  "I told you I'd make the Coast Guard cool again. They're gonna get hats. They're on jet skis."
  — Fake Trump ([09:30])

3. Howard Stern Visits the Squares

• Mock-Stern lampoons the changing radio landscape, hybridizing Stern-riffing with show self-deprecation and guest parody ([10:03-12:06]).
• The annual "put Sam on the Sibian" running gag makes a return, now as a Metallica fan challenge ([10:44-11:45]; [22:49-23:40]).
• Memorable Line:

  "Let’s get Sam the Metallica fan naked and sit him on the Sibian."
  — Fake Howard Stern ([10:44])

• Commentary on KUPD as a "poor man’s Stern" ([27:24]).

4. Iranian Brady & Scuds and Suds

• Iranian Brady, a long-standing character mashup, delivers parody Middle Eastern cuisine jokes and riffs on local restaurant 'Porkopolis' ([12:06-13:14], [20:11]).
• Brady’s "goat barbecue" jokes stretch into discussions of weapons and munitions comically linked to food ([13:09-13:14], [20:11-20:32]).

5. Charles Barkley Skewers Local Sports

• Barkley parodies recent Suns player DUI news, reminisces about his own 90s escapades ([13:22-14:39]).
• Offers mock advice to athlete Dylan Brooks, blending sports takes with Barkley-esque candor.
• Notable Quote:

  "You gotta call the general and get better insurance. ... That’s crazy, drive around this city to get a DUI. People love you. You’re a Phoenix Sun!"
  — Fake Barkley ([14:05])

6. Alex Jones (as “Mr. X”)

• Conspiratorial ramblings include chemtrails, Dylan Brooks’ love child, Candace Owens, and 9/11/Sandy Hook crossover "evidence" ([16:35-18:16]).
• Classic Infowars-style ranting, peppered between game questions.
• Notable Quote:

  "You want to explain something to me? How did the same kid die in 9/11 and at Sandy Hook? I have the evidence—a crude drawing I made myself..."
  — Fake Alex Jones ([17:52])

7. Game Play: Secret Square, Trivia, and Banter

• Squares game structures most of the episode; contestants select squares, answer Arizona/pop-culture-centric trivia, and interact with the "celebs."
• Trivia includes:
  • McNuggets shapes (Myth: There are 7 vs Reality: 4) ([20:32])
  • Brazil prisoners reducing sentences by reading ([22:29])
  • Minecraft gold mass ([25:53])
• Hidden "Secret Square" (Gary Numan, not from The Cars) ([14:42],[24:09]).

8. Team Banter & In-Jokes

• Multiple asides about missing dental work (“Gummo”), contest reminders, and staff laughs and ribbing ([18:28-19:17], [28:37]).
• Ongoing jokes about radio management, listener numbers, and KUPD's “fake 25th anniversary” ([29:01-29:52]).

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Notable Quotes & Moments (w/Timestamps)

• Sam the Metallica Fan:

  "I don't want Metallica at the Sphere. I want Sam at the Sphere." – John ([06:06]) "They have big graphics of me in the background." – Sam ([06:12])

• Lou Holtz:

  "I now regret that recruitment of that brown terrorist Raghib Ismail..." ([07:22])

• Trump on Coast Guard:

  "I told you I'd make the Coast Guard cool again. They're gonna get hats. They're on jet skis." ([09:30])

• Howard Stern on KUPD:

  "The poor man Stern as they call it." ([27:24])

• Barkley’s Advice:

  "You gotta call the general and get better insurance." ([14:05])

• Alex Jones’ Conspiracy:

  "You want to explain something to me? How did the same kid die in 9/11 and at Sandy Hook? I have the evidence—a crude drawing I made myself..." ([17:52])

• Sam on Metallica ticket prices:

  "Sam, the Metallica fan can't afford it. No, of course not." – John ([29:34])

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Timeline of Key Segments

• [01:26-03:44] – Metallica contest hype, racing event preview
• [04:10-06:22] – Sam the Metallica Fan introduction and Sphere anticipation
• [06:22-08:01] – Ghost of Lou Holtz monologue
• [08:01-09:57] – Trump impression, Coast Guard on jet skis
• [10:03-12:06] – Stern square, FM radio satire, Sam Metallica/Sibian joke
• [12:06-13:14] – Iranian Brady riffs on Goat BBQ and Porkopolis
• [13:22-14:39] – Barkley slams DUI incidents, reminisces
• [16:28-18:16] – Alex Jones (“Mr. X”) conspiracy barrage
• [20:32-26:54] – Trivia, gameplay: McNuggets, Brazil prisoner reading, Minecraft gold

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Final Thoughts

This episode is a prime example of Holmberg’s Morning Sickness at its funniest—fast-paced, irreverent, laced with edgy improv and pop-culture-locator beacons for Arizona listeners specifically. The balance of national satire (Trump, Stern, Jones) with local flavor (Brady’s BBQ, Barkley on the Suns, Metallica contests) ensures a mix of broad appeal and regional in-jokery.

Best for: Fans who love edgy, character-driven comedy, inside jokes about Phoenix, and satirical deconstruction of media, sports, and politics—all delivered in a free-wheeling, candid morning radio style.

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Contest-winning word (for those playing along): "Snake pit" ([26:07], [29:59])

Next up: New contests, more squares, more mayhem.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, it's Brady from HMS and I'm here with Christy Hayden from the AZ Wildlife World Zoo.

[B]

This is the best time of year to come out to Wildlife World. The weather's great and you have to come out and see our new baby pygmy hippo. And if you want to book a private encounter while you're out, you can book one with a sea lion, a sloth, or our new black footed penguin encounter. Or you can dine next to our shark tank at Dylan's Barbecue by going to our [e-mail] we're located off the 303 and Northern Avenue in the West Valley.

[A]

Check out wildlifeworld.com do it today. Come on down to the Ranch House Grill. Comfort food is your next meal.

[C]

Pork chili verde, chicken fried steak.

[D]

Ranch House knows you'll think it's great.

[C]

Are you ready for the best breakfast in Phoenix? Ranch House Grill has been voted best breakfast four years in a row. We're famous for our chicken fried steak, pork chili verde and large portions. Located in the heart of Arcadia. Join us for breakfast or lunch seven days a week, 6am to 2pm We're a family restaurant with a small town atmosphere serving Southwestern comfort food for 18 years. Come on down to the Ranch House Grill for the best breakfast in Phoenix at 56th street and Thomas Road.

[E]

Holmberg's morning sickness.

[F]

The old method of treatment for a person in this condition was to throw him in jail.

[D]

I like that phrase. I want to say it out loud because it would make my mouth feel better. But a couple of the words will get you yelled at. Right, Larry?

[F]

Right.

[D]

Gotta protect that license, you see.

[F]

Can't say those things.

[D]

Well, you could say those. None of the. None of those would be a strip of a license. But it would probably cause a lawsuit. I'll leave it alone. Boy, it wants to just tumble out, though. Bert, it's time now. By the way, you got a few more minutes with the nine o' clock word, which is Harvester. Hop on that and get on that Metallica thing. Last day you can do that. And it is a unbelievable contest Larry McFeely put together for us at Q Prime. It's pretty great. Metallica and get up to the sphere in Vegas. You're welcome. And we give you a hotel room, $200 in fuel, and you're loaded up and ready to go to Metallica. It's the last day of the contest, so there's a lot of excitement around it. And you guys have blown up our app and our website and we thank you in advance for that because that's great. And keeps those jackasses that are in charge of this place off our backs for a little while going, wow, your numbers are fantastic. John, Protect the license, please.

[F]

We did some research on your numbers and found.

[E]

Oh, here we go.

[D]

Oh, here we go. The research suits. I talked to the guys at iHeart. I know we're doing the same thing. The guys that I heard are the ones who officially ruined radio and then it just trickled down to all the other companies. Larry's not allowed to talk about it, but he likes when I do.

[E]

I don't.

[D]

I know. I don't know what you're.

[A]

Protect the license.

[D]

You can't lose a license for that. Just protect your job. And they get the McFeely's morning sickness all lined up and ready to go. What do I care? It's time now for your Guadalupe squares. We got something really cool in town and it's the NASCAR and IndyCar. Three races this weekend. Two tomorrow. They're running the 250, I think. And then the. Then the Indy cars run. Or maybe it's the other way around. And then on Sunday, they do the 500. The raceway is going to be jammed with fun this weekend. And I think that's awesome. We became the race capital of the world for just a little bit. Pretty neat. That's a five turn track out there. So those Indy cars are going to be down to nothing and then gas in the hell. We watch an IndyCar go from 0 to 200 on that straightaway. They're probably going to be running. But y', all, it's so cool. Oh, that's neat. So we're going to give you tickets to that this weekend.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh, what do you got?

[A]

Nhra.

[D]

Oh, yeah, that too. We got. That's in a month. I was kind of wondering where you were going. I thought you said nascar.

[A]

No, no, nhra.

[D]

Either way, we got a lot in the red section. See, there's so much. So much racing going on. That is still a cool event this week. And I was blown away that they did that. Three races in two days. That's hard to pull off. Pretty neat. We have no tickets for that, though. You got to go buy those yourself.

[A]

Sounds like a cool event.

[D]

Rubbing your nose in it there for a second. And then I remind you that in a month or two, you can go cts a race. Cts. All right, let's get right to it. Thriller's not here, so. But listen, anyway, here's the backup host, Mr. Toledo.

[G]

Oh, I thought you were gonna have

[D]

Larry do it for a second. Oh, you do it. Go ahead.

[A]

Thank you, Johnny. In the upper left corner we have Sam, the Metallica fan by request.

[E]

Sam. Can't wait, man. I can't wait.

[D]

I can't wait for Spears. Are you going up, Sam? No, cuz I don't have money.

[E]

Oh, you don't need money, but maybe

[D]

you could win tickets.

[A]

No, I can't win too.

[D]

Why not?

[A]

Because it's just there's no chance.

[D]

Oh, no hope, Sam.

[A]

No hope.

[D]

No. Sam, Think of a Metallica song to get you motivated.

[F]

Well, what I know is going to

[D]

happen because I know it's just going

[F]

to look so great in there. It's going to be all dark and

[D]

everything's going to be looking cool and

[F]

that video screen is going to come up and they're going to do. Can't wait man.

[D]

Sam, the Metallica fan be so cool. And that's what you want us there. That's what you want to start it. What song are you looking forward to most, Sam? That's a new one.

[H]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Oh, Watch him do this.

[E]

My mother was a witch.

[H]

Yeah.

[E]

Sam, I want to sit next to you at the show.

[D]

Yeah. If I get tickets, just Sam.

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

I don't want Metallica at the Sphere. I want Sam at the Sphere. I would do that. That'd be Sam.

[E]

Sphere. I like it.

[A]

They have big graphics of me in the background.

[H]

Yeah.

[D]

Oh, you're like that pan flute. Sam Spear.

[H]

Yeah.

[D]

Yeah. Oh yeah. That's good, master. Well done. Thank you, Sam.

[A]

In the upper middle square, it is the late now Lou Holt.

[H]

That's exactly right. How are you guys? It's good to see you. Now that all the coach. All the pain has left my body from the horrors of dying over the last nine or ten months laying there in that hospice bed was no. So I spoke to Jesus Christ on a regular basis, reminded him that I was to coach at Notre Dame University for a long time and did his bidding. And then he reminded me that there was occasion the bidding, Brady, the bidding. There was occasions that I drifted from the morals of Notre Dame. Well, when I went out and illegally recruited that horrible terrorist Ragheeb Ishmael. And I made that more of a priority than the Lord Jesus when I brought one of those rag people over to Notre Dame. And that's accurate. Yes. And then we won a championship. And I said, some of these muzzies aren't so bad. And that I said to Jesus, you should accept them into the Notre Dame program. And he said, well, that's something you're gonna have to deal with someday. And that someday is nigh.

[D]

I am now headed to hell in

[H]

the portal because that's right, it's nigh. It's nigh. Nigh. I got Sam the Metallica fan left. That's right, I had the day is nigh. It's an old saying we used to do biblically and stuff. And I now regret that recruitment of that brown terrorist rag heavish male before because Jesus said, you're going to hell for being friends with them, just like the Bible warns. But still. Anyway, it was a good run, except for the years I coached the Jets. What a catastrophe that was. But that's bad for everybody.

[A]

Thanks for coming in, coach. In the upper right score, it's our fearless leader.

[E]

That's exactly right.

[D]

Donald Trump.

[E]

That's exactly right. I just wanted to hear the words come out of your mouth like a voting you've never struggled with because you know when you go home, your wife probably won't even let you cuck tonight. You have to face away.

[A]

She didn't hear. I'll have to lie to her.

[E]

Well, I'll call her. I'll let her know because I've got everybody's number. Did you hear Larry? We're now patrolling the Gulf with the Coast Guard on jet skis. It's the coolest thing in the world.

[D]

Awesome.

[E]

And by the way, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Iran is going very well. It's going very well. We're killing a lot of Iranians, Brett, like you said. Please do that, Mr. President. I remember I talked to talk to Brett when I was running. I said, what would you like? And Brett said, well, the only good Iranian is a dead Iranian. And I said, there you go, Brett. You're going to get your wish and we're giving them to you.

[F]

Did you say bom bom, bomb?

[D]

Like bomb, bomb.

[E]

Here we go,

[F]

Guys.

[E]

Sam the Metallica fan. I've got popcorn stuck in my throat.

[F]

No,

[E]

this might end.

[A]

You're the colonel.

[E]

It's a colonel. I got a colonel. That's exactly a boy.

[D]

He is.

[E]

He is certainly gonna have fun with Kirby this weekend with all of his puns. He's coming in hot just like we did in Tehran.

[D]

Can we bomb Gilbert too, please?

[E]

I'd like to bomb Gilbert. And the dad jokes would cease to be. Cease to be. That's exactly it. But we're gonna release the Eagles tonight.

[A]

Wow. Sir, that's awesome. Look what you've done.

[E]

Look at what We've done.

[D]

We've.

[A]

It's the Coast Guard.

[E]

I told you I'd make the Coast Guard cool again. They're gonna get hats. They're on jet skis.

[A]

Those are the.

[E]

Now we go out after we blow up a drug ship, and they think that, oh, here comes food. Maybe a Mountain Dew commercial is breaking out. And now they find out that it's the Coast Guard. And we take them out right there with our little. It's amazing. They're well armed. Ski doos, which is the one thing I've always said was missing for moski doos. Ski doo is military apparatus. Good stuff.

[A]

In the middle left square. Not sure why he's here, but it's Howard Stern, radio legend.

[F]

Look, like I was saying, like, look, there's Larry the Metallica fan. Now he's Sam. He plays Sam. It's a very good character. But Red Robin. Yum, Red Robin. I mean, think of what's going on here at kupd. Let's talk about that for a second. KUPD used to be an FM radio station, remember? And then. And then idiots, not even full sized men, came in and started to destroy it and then blame everyone else, didn't they, Brett? Baba Bastard. Tell me about that. And then we got serious and they ruined that. And now it's time for the podcast to begin. So listen to the Hombrex Morning Sickness podcast and you'll have me, Timu Stern, along with Red Robin.

[G]

Yum.

[F]

Gretel Juice and Bubba Basti.

[E]

Awesome.

[F]

I'm ready to go. Tonight we're gonna have Sam the Metallica fan doing live performances. Oh, that's gonna be amazing. And then. And then we're gonna get him naked and sit him on the Sibian.

[A]

Oh, no.

[E]

Sorry, Sam.

[F]

What would it sound like if. Sam the Metallica fan, I'm gonna fire it up. I want you to do me a favor. Do me a favor and sit on the city and stand. Do Metallica on the Sibian. Stand. Make it do that. Give me a true on the Siby and I'm gonna fire it up. Here we go. Sad but true. Send them in. Tyler, Katrina, live on the team of Star Show. I could watch you orgasm to Metallica. Red Robin. Is there anything sexier than what we just watched? Yeah, I don't think so, Brittle Juice, do you? Did you enjoy that? What's the number between three and five? Give them time. Bretel Juice will figure it out.

[E]

Baba Bastard.

[F]

Don't help put your hands on foe. That's exactly right. Foe is right. The answer is Foe like a Vietnamese restaurant. Yes, yes. It's soup. The answer between 1, 2, 3, soup. 5. You know what? Maybe the show is better this way. I think this is actually a pretty good program.

[A]

In the Middle Square. He was in earlier this morning. He loves goat meat. It is Iranian Brady. I like it.

[G]

I like what? You switched sides.

[A]

What's Brady?

[G]

Well, I saw on the online there that the Iranians love a good BBQ goat.

[A]

You have to follow the Allah.

[G]

How bad can these people be? So I like to dream, you know.

[D]

What's this one?

[G]

Oh, yeah. Click, click boom. That's my Iranian Brady song. Hey, yeah. Click click boom. Yeah.

[D]

Ooh.

[G]

On Saturdays when Moolah's play. Getting a dope of my green smoker today. See what I did? Exactly right. Awesome stuff. Anyway, come to my new Iranian restaurant. It used to be Porkopolis and now it's Halakh. Halakh?

[E]

Yeah.

[D]

I'm just gonna claim it.

[G]

It's Godopolis. It's on Alma school in the 202. Look for the signs that say Porkopolis. Go inside and talk to the guys making those weird boxes with bolts and hammers. They'll make you a nice goat sandwich. And that's not exaggerated.

[A]

Why do their boxes say munitions?

[G]

Well, because that's how you make goat.

[A]

Oh, good.

[G]

Goat has to be blown up.

[A]

Oh. All right. In the middle, left square. He's in because we got some local trouble. Charles Barkley is here.

[D]

That's crazy. Do you know how much. Hey, guys, what's going on? Charles Barkley here.

[H]

Hey.

[D]

I drank and drove all over the city all the way through the 90s.

[A]

Legendary.

[D]

All the time drinking and driving. I got one dui and that was only because I was chasing a girl too fast. Who was one of the top five blowjobs of all time? Who was in the car with me?

[H]

Bert Urkel.

[D]

Urkel.

[H]

Urkel.

[D]

Urkel and I and some birds. We're trying to get a girl in a car. Cause the last time I seen her, she gave me the best blowjob I ever had. What was her name? Brady.

[A]

Top five.

[D]

I know it wasn't my wife. Maureen. That's what I was wondering. They got that one. I got in trouble for that. I don't know if I got a dui. I think I just got arrested for solicitation. Is Dylan Brooks. Been here for six months. Already got himself a due E. What's

[A]

your advice for him?

[D]

Well, you gotta call the general and get better insurance. So I get Shaq's number. That's Crazy drive around this city to get a dui. People love you. You're a phoenix, son.

[A]

A phoenix what?

[D]

A phoenix, son.

[A]

All right.

[D]

Get out there. Get it right.

[A]

Please.

[D]

For God's sakes. Tooling around like you. Like you own the place. You've been here for four months. You got a broken arm.

[A]

He wasn't Scottsdale. You can understand, right?

[F]

Yeah.

[D]

You can't drive around with a broken arm. They know you're not gonna play the rest of the regular season. This team's in trouble. You're just basically a drunk black guy driving around Scottsdale. You're gonna get in trouble. Why didn't you call me?

[A]

In the bottom left square. It's Brady's secret square. Give us a hint.

[E]

Brady.

[F]

Hello.

[A]

I'm a rock star. Had one big song in 1979. Here in my car I'm as safe as it all. I can lock all my doors. That's part of it. Safest place to be. Cars.

[D]

The safest place to be.

[A]

Did he get about six out of every 10 words?

[D]

I think so. Well, it's like the Brady Report.

[A]

I can lock all my doors.

[D]

I don't think Brady heard the real version.

[A]

Place to live in.

[D]

Driver's ed. They had a parody cuz his was all about being safe in a car. It was the Weird Al Yankovic. That's exactly it. I can lock my doors and stay safe. It's John Holmberg here from the morning sickness to tell you about the Core Institute. People who met me found out that I've had four major operations in the last four years. They're blown away. I've had both shoulders replaced and both hips replaced because I was an absolute disaster. Before my surgeries, I was in pain. Now no one knows I've had any issues. People who hear multiple surgeries assume they'll never be the same again. It's just not true. I'm better than I've been in 20 years. Stop quitting the things you love and get back to being the pain free you you love. The Core institute dot com. It's John Holberg here from the morning sickness. Time to talk about TV's Doug Hopkins of My Home Group and Doug Hopkins dot com. Another satisfied listener called TV's Doug Hopkins and sold her home for cash. She reached out. Her name's Ashley. And Doug wants to make it simple. Buy your house for cash. As is. You don't have to do anything. Just Ashley, no strings attached. If he moves that price, you get $5,000. Want to sell that place? Start the process online@dough hopkins.com or grab

[G]

the phone and sing Hopkins.

[E]

1-800-now-hol's Morning Sickness.

[A]

All right, in the middle left square or in the middle bottom square. I wasn't given anybody, so I'm going to put in Alex Jones, who was here.

[D]

Probably good.

[E]

I don't like my name being on the squares anyway.

[D]

It's leaves a trail.

[F]

Why?

[E]

Like a chemtrail? It leaves it. It leaves it back.

[A]

It's been redacted, sir.

[E]

Well, I'm not gonna leave. I don't want my names up there. Just call me Mr. X.

[A]

Okay?

[E]

I'm Mr. X in the bottom middle square. Nobody knows who I am, Brady. They would never guess that I'm Alex Jones. And they would never do the research because people just aren't awake enough.

[A]

Is everything gonna be okay?

[D]

Are we.

[A]

Are we done?

[E]

No, we're done. It's over. No, the moolahs are coming. They said they killed the moolahs. They did not kill the moolahs. The moolahs are on their way over.

[F]

Mullahs.

[E]

I call them moolahs because they got

[D]

all that oil money.

[E]

They're gonna come over here now. I have on good authority Erica Kirk is pregnant with Dylan Brooks's baby. I just found that out last night. That's why I was driving around drunk. It was a booty call.

[A]

Well, it was Candace Owens earlier.

[E]

Candace Owens. We know Candace Owens is Big Mike, too. She's got a dick. And there was rumors that if that baby comes out mocha, that it's Leandro Barbosas and Steve Nash is going to leave town again. And we don't want that. I'm telling you right now, Candace Owens impregnated Erica Kirk. And then they had Charlie taken out because he found out about it and he said, I don't want any transvestite getting my wife pregnant. Like most sane men would say,

[A]

he's been gone a while.

[E]

That's what's going to happen. Because of the chemtrails. Candace impregnated Erica with a gay frog. You'll see. You want to explain something to me? How did the same kid die in 911 and at Sandy Hook? I have the evidence. A crude drawing I made myself of what this dead kid would have looked like if it was the same at 9 11. Then at Sandy Hook.

[A]

You're gonna have to write another check.

[E]

I didn't write any checks. Homeberg taught me. Nobody can force you to write checks

[D]

you don't want to write.

[F]

All right.

[A]

In the bottom, right square it Is our fearless leader.

[E]

Thank you, John Jordan, for laughing at that inside joke. That's not as inside as I needed it to be.

[A]

What? Trip's here.

[D]

Oh yeah. Well, I'm staying.

[F]

Qu?

[D]

Quiet like Jones on this one.

[C]

Oh, you are.

[E]

Hey, fellas. How's it going?

[A]

What happened?

[D]

Nothing.

[E]

I just got popped in the face.

[F]

Why?

[D]

Still missing my tooth.

[A]

It's amazing.

[D]

I'm with Brett on this one. Hey, Gummo.

[A]

Oh no.

[D]

How come dentists don't work the day you ask them?

[A]

I'm trying to figure that out myself.

[D]

I think I'm going to Brett's dentist. This is just to make Larry uncomfortable. Very Larry. He's pretending.

[E]

Why are you allowing John to make fun of my tooth issues?

[D]

Stop making fun of the tooth, John. No. Stop it.

[E]

Put your foot down.

[F]

Show some authority.

[E]

I've had a tooth incidents and I

[D]

need you to back me up on that.

[A]

You got me all day, man. Larry got him all day. What are you taking his teeth?

[E]

I need some cooperation.

[A]

Stop with the S's.

[E]

That's the tea. Who do we have?

[D]

T. Paulie and Natasha. Natasha, are you there? I am. Paulie, are you there?

[G]

I am.

[D]

All right, Natasha, you're a girl. Pick a square. Go.

[F]

Let's go with Brady.

[E]

Yeah.

[G]

Iranian Brady.

[H]

Right in the middle.

[A]

Get it right.

[E]

We're.

[G]

We're going to smoke some goat this weekend over at my house. You want to come over and watch the war?

[D]

I guess not.

[A]

That's all right. Apparently she can't talk. She's got that.

[G]

Oh yeah, that's right. A good woman will stay quiet when an iranian man talks to her. That's good stuff. We're gonna have some goat. We're gonna do some scuds and suds. Gonna have a good time watching the war this weekend.

[A]

That's what you should have named porkopolis Scuds and suds.

[G]

Well, that's what it's called now. Have you been there? Bunch of Iranian dudes running around making goats.

[A]

Alright, Brady, here's your question. McNuggets come in seven distinct shapes and the boot is the most popular. Is that true or false?

[G]

That's true. I know that from years of experience of das boot separating my nuggets by shape. Oh yeah, these all look like Margaret Thatcher. You'll notice my collection.

[A]

So like with your grilled cheese, you just ask for boots?

[G]

Yeah, these are my George Foreman looking ones. They're burned. This one looks like Jesus.

[D]

They're burned.

[E]

Really? Yeah.

[G]

The darker ones are the Foreman ones. And then you've Got the.

[E]

The boot.

[G]

Das boots. And these are skinny and long.

[A]

Don't laugh at that, Natasha.

[G]

These are skinny and long, and these are skinny and short. Ronnie calls those the Brady's. Yeah, the little tiny ones are. And then these are the ones that are long and thin, like a joint. They're called the Kirbys.

[A]

He said true. Do you agree or disagree?

[E]

I disagree.

[A]

That's right. It is false. There's just four shapes, and these are

[G]

the weird ones that are isolated from the other nuggets. We call this One Punch the Monkey.

[A]

Paulie, you're up. Pick a square.

[D]

Let's go with Howard Stern.

[A]

Howard Stern.

[F]

That's a great. Excellent. Finally, somebody look. Look. In other words, you don't want to hear the regular show. All you want to hear is the Stern show. Larry, you should put that on. You should really consider getting rid of the Holmberg show.

[E]

You think?

[F]

Yeah, and then simulcasting in the Stern show. And I think Red Robin, you would agree. Yeah, that's right, Red Rob. Brell Juice is on. Brett, what is the Number again? Between 3 and 5? Pho. The soup. Yes. And Baba Bastard still seeks his father, and that's coming. Father's Day is very hard for him.

[A]

Do I get to bring that story to the new podcast?

[F]

Yeah, we're gonna have Billy Corgan on again today. It's gonna be great. All right, go ahead.

[A]

All right, Howard, here's your question. Prisoners in Brazil can reduce their prison sentences by reading books and then writing a report on it.

[F]

You know, I stopped paying attention to you for a while. You just changed one Jew for another. And you tried it when Larry was on, and it went okay. But now I think we need to go. Sam the Metallica fan. Let me fire this up again and hear a little Unforgiven. Sam the Metallica fan riding the Sibyon to orgasm while trying to sing Metallica songs.

[A]

How long will he last?

[F]

Howard, if you can make it. Look, Sam, let me offer you this. Sam, back me up. Let you me tell. Look, if you. If you can make it all the way through one with the Sibian in your ass. If you can make it all the way through the song Dun dun dun dun. You make it all the way through one, and then you don't orgasm until the very last note. I'll give you tickets to the Sphere, the crescendo, Yo. All right, all right, here we go.

[D]

Let's fire up the Sibian and see

[F]

if Sam the Metallica fan cannot orgasm until the end of 1-07-31.

[A]

Can we check back in with him?

[F]

Ronnie said Brady would have to have sex 3 in 7 minutes and 31 seconds if we get.

[H]

All right then. He didn't make it.

[F]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. That was an omission.

[A]

Thanks for adding the sound effect.

[D]

Still get the tickets?

[F]

I forgot the question, but I'm going to say true anyway, just to move along.

[A]

All right, Paulie, he says true. Do you agree or disagree?

[D]

I agree.

[A]

That's right. It is true. Oh, gets the square.

[F]

Somebody says, how come Red Robin says yum when he's Red Robin? Well, that was the old Red Robin.

[E]

Young.

[F]

Yeah, and so that's the joke there. Sorry we had to explain that.

[D]

Commercial.

[A]

All right, Natasha.

[D]

Not like we were talking about the

[F]

pepper bar over at Quiznos. Sorry, go ahead. I'm gonna take over the show now.

[A]

Secret square. Give her a hit. Right here in my car. I can lock all the doors.

[E]

He's big on the safety.

[A]

Safest place to be in Cars.

[D]

The rematch.

[F]

Safest place to be.

[E]

It's Gary Newman.

[G]

Of the Cars.

[D]

Not of the Cars, right, Of the songs, the Cars.

[F]

Yeah, that's right.

[D]

Nice job.

[A]

All right, Paulie, you can take Trump for the block.

[E]

Yes, of course you're gonna take it. I'll block it. I block it off. Like the Iron Dome. Like the Iron Dome. We gave it over Israel, Long lob, as many as you wanted. The Jews, they'll knock it down. They're the Dakimbe Mutombo of war.

[A]

Nothing got through.

[E]

Nothing gets through Tel Aviv. Not here. They just wave a finger over at the Middle Easterners and say, try again. Go put your towels on a wash cycle and come back tomorrow.

[A]

How come the missiles are getting through in Bahrain now?

[E]

The Bahrain? The Bahrain's aren't the Jews, are they? The whole point of the joke. I think he missed it. Sometimes I miss Thriller so much. And no one's ever said that before. No one's ever said that. God, I wish Thriller was here. But I wish he'd. If there'd be nothing better right now than if he hobbled in be like the end of a rom com. I'd be so happy to see him rather than you and your liberal cuck ways.

[A]

I've got a question. It's right up your alley.

[E]

I'm just gonna call you Jasmine, if you don't mind. I just call you Jasmine Crockett because you're an insane lib from Aladdin. No, insanely. But if you were from Aladdin, I'd have shot you out of the sky.

[A]

Great move.

[E]

I've shot you out of the sky with one of our incredible F17s. One of the greatest, probably on the most beautiful planes ever. If I ever saw Aladdin going by, even with the blue genie, who was funny. It's Robin Williams. Great for big fan. If he was still alive, he'd vote for me and I'd shoot Aladdin out of the sky and I'd say, take that and your wishes.

[F]

Right.

[E]

To write to Muslim hell. I don't know what they call it, but it's a thing.

[A]

All right, sir, here's your question.

[E]

Go ahead.

[A]

If all of the available gold, gold in the game Minecraft go real, it would weigh a 100 million pounds. Is that true or false?

[E]

It would be like mar a lago. £100 million.

[A]

You have that much gold there?

[E]

I keep all the Mar a Lago gold. By the way, the 10 o' clock word is snake pit. Thank you for squeezing. Very welcome. I saw you getting nervous. Larry was scratching. He was scratching an itch. Scratching a. Scratching an itch. I know it's payday, so Larry's really excited. They like that. Those people love that day.

[A]

All right, one more time. If all the available gold in the game Minecraft were real, it would weigh 100 million pounds. Is that true or false?

[E]

If it were real, it would probably weigh at least £100 million. I think so. I think that's probably true. And you know who that remind me of? Anyone Bill Clinton would have sex with. They're all about that same weight. Maybe Rosie and Rosie o'. Donnell. Well, he'd have sex with that big fat ladies. He likes him. Natasha.

[A]

He says true. Do you agree or disagree?

[F]

I agree.

[A]

That's right. It is true.

[D]

She wins. Nicely done. Hold on. We'll give something to everybody, but it won't be nascar.

[A]

Don't get joked.

[D]

Tell me about that going to the races this weekend. Snake pit is the ten o' clock word. All one word, right?

[F]

Yep.

[D]

People get weirded out by the Howard Stern thing. I think it's great. I like it too. I think it's great.

[F]

But I think maybe Larry, the problem is, is that you recognize how big the guests could be here on kup. But what's the problem? You'll say it out loud. The cheap ownership would never consider paying that kind of money for that kind of town. They're stuck here with this TEMU version of these poor people trying to do a show just like mine. The poor man Stern as they call it. And then, you know, and Then that little person comes in and starts yelling and you're telling everybody how wrong they were. Meanwhile, AI takes over everything anyway. Bruce Springsteen and Paul McCartney on Later Today. You're gonna love it. Breteljuice. Sam, you want to get on the compression. You want to get not.

[D]

I don't know if I can handle that.

[F]

One more time. Let's shove that inside of it. Let's get inside that Red Robin. You have a Metallica song you'd Sam to do while he's riding on the orgasm machine?

[D]

Yum. Is the song.

[F]

Can you just do the Red Robin? Yum. We got a little in my eye, man. All right, let's go.

[D]

We're done.

[A]

This is it.

[D]

Last day of the contest. Is that snake pits the word for 10 o'?

[E]

Clock?

[D]

Are you going anywhere this weekend?

[F]

The dentist.

[D]

Gumo's heading to the dentist pretty soon. His Italian nickname is now Gummoe. That's it.

[F]

We're done.

[D]

Larry, nice job on this Metallica thing. It's a pretty good. Larry. Larry got this all organized with those folks.

[A]

And you got a new contest starting Monday.

[D]

Great one. Another great one. And we're in.

[F]

You know.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

This is just ridiculous. Happy anniversary.

[E]

Dang.

[D]

And it's all fake 25th anniversary stuff. We're pretending it's all for us, but it's. It's happening, so we might as well embrace it, right?

[A]

Yeah. Metallica Sphere fan or just regular? Pre sale is on now. Oh, that's 24 shows. Now it's up to y.

[D]

And they're going to sell out today into March. Now it is March. No, next March. Oh, they're going October to March.

[A]

24 different weekends. Now it's up to crazy.

[D]

Yep, crazy. And the ticket prices are reasonable.

[A]

What's reasonable?

[D]

No, I mean for me. You guys aren't going. I'm not asking for you guys.

[A]

Jeez.

[D]

No.

[F]

I'm like, are they?

[D]

Sam, the Metallica fan can't afford it. No, of course not. Well, he's too busy doing whatever that was. Right? How much are they?

[A]

800 is what I've been hearing.

[D]

Yeah, it's 400 bucks to go see wizard of Oz.

[A]

Well, I paid 400 bucks a ticket the last time Metallica was here in town.

[D]

That's true. We paid top dollar just to see him at that. It's gonna be awesome. So you can win your ticket. You don't have to worry about what it costs or anything else.

[F]

Right there.

[D]

Snake pits. The word today. Larry's gonna have more of those for you. We're done. We'll see you guys Monday. I suppose right here in the morning sickness.

[F]

It's not weird.

[E]

It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fee. I have heard enough of this.

[D]

It's John Holmberg here from the morning sickness and it's time to talk about my friend, TV's Doug Hopkins of my home group and Doug hopkins.com Doug buys houses for cash as is. No repairs, no showings, none of that usual stress. He knows the Phoenix market inside and out and he makes the process simple. You need to sell fast. Divorce, relocation, inherited property, whatever. TV's Doug Hopkins is a guy who puts his money where his mouth is. Start the process@doug hopkins.com or grab the phone and sing along.

[G]

Call Doug Hopkins. 1-800-sale- now.

[D]

It's John Holmberg here for Life Changer Loans. Whether you're buying a home, trying to refinance or improve things financially, you got to focus on one thing. Clarity. You don't have to do it the old way. Life Changer Loan is here to help. Call my friend Shane o' Grady at Life Changer Loan and see if it's for you. Good credit, good with money. There is more than just the old fashioned bank bank loan. And if you want to see what's possible financially in your life that's different than what you're doing now, [e-mail] Life Changer Loan. It's not magic, it's just math.