03-06-26 - Imagining If Iranian People Have A Day At The Lake And How A Whole New World Could Be Sung w/A Diff Meaning - Short Japanese Player On Chicago Bulls Has John On A Rant And Asking For A Refund

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Holmberg’s Morning Sickness - Arizona

Episode Date: March 6, 2026
Main Theme:
A humor-heavy episode where John Holmberg and the crew riff on American military “jet ski” patrols in Mexico and Iran, spin an elaborate Iranian family lake day scenario, lampoon cultural stereotypes, and launch into a rant about the Chicago Bulls playing a notably short Japanese player, questioning the logic and spectacle of NBA diversity moves.

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Episode Overview

The episode begins with satirical takes on current events—particularly America’s naval presence in conflict zones—and quickly pivots into irreverent skits imagining Iranians enjoying a carefree day at the lake. The hosts then sharply critique the Chicago Bulls for putting a 5’7” Japanese player on the court, exploring themes of sports, diversity hires, and the extent of audience tolerance for breaking professional norms. Throughout, the hosts maintain their trademark edgy, sometimes controversial humor, mixing topical riffs, quick-witted banter, and musical interludes.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

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1. Satirizing Current Events: U.S. Jet Ski Patrols (01:14–04:30)

• Brett jokes about misreading military news: "I thought it was in Iran. Misread it. Okay, so we're doing jet skis in Mexico right now, down on the Gulf, as I understand. Kick ass. That's great." (02:33)
• The group riffs on the absurd image of both Americans and Iranians patrolling borders or lakes with jet skis and bald eagles.
• The hosts lampoon the idea of a military operation involving “450,000 bald eagles over Iran,” mocking over-the-top American patriotism.

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2. The Iranian Family Lake Day Skit (04:00–08:25)

• Premise: Imagining an Iranian family enjoying a typical American lake day, complete with jet skis, Winnebago, and family banter, completely contrary to U.S. media stereotypes.
• Highlights:
  • Satirical family dialogue: "Honey, did you bring Halach Hala Kalash in the Mountain Dew?" (04:22)
  • Skewering gender norms and cultural taboos: "Did you cover your ankles? You don't want to get a la burns." (04:27)
  • Parodying ‘A Whole New World’ from Aladdin, infusing it with grim Middle Eastern allusions:
    • Iranian Family sings: "A dazzling place I never knew, a room without bullet holes, my horse not enclosed. This place is the Iran I wish I knew." (06:53)
• Notable Quote:
  • Iranian Family Member: “Why don’t you tell your dreams to me? We’ll crash a plane into 911 building.” (05:36)—an example of the abrasive, controversial comedic tone.
• Ends with exaggerated excitement over “Iranian weekend at the lake”—a mashup of Western leisure and Iranian cultural traits.

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3. Chicago Bulls and the 5’7” Japanese Player Rant (08:33–23:02)

• The Incident:
  • Brett and John attend a Suns vs. Bulls game, are baffled by a 5’7” Japanese player getting major minutes for Chicago.
• Rant Highlights:
  • "If I was the owner of the Bulls, I would fire my entire staff ... there is a Japanese child playing for the Bulls..." — Brett (09:39)
  • Brett challenges the logic of this diversity experiment over recruiting “a crippled black guy,” mocking both NBA tokenism and societal expectations (11:11)
  • The group discusses historical NBA short players (Spud Webb, Muggsy Bogues) and why the Japanese player’s inclusion feels “like tanking.”
    • Brett: "Tickets should be free. Come watch the Bulls go crazy with 5 foot 7 inch Asian men playing professional basketball like it's free." (14:44)
  • Takes a dig at larger diversity trends: "It's the indoctrination. Diversity first, then you can't ask questions. The next thing you know, they got broads out there on the court." (23:03)
• Recurring Gag:
  • Persistent confusion and skepticism about the Japanese player’s credentials: “He just showed up ... If he was good in college enough, you'd have heard of him ... And he's got one of them Asian names, too.” (17:14)
  • Unabashed reflection: "I don't want to sound bigoted, but I am. And so was the rest of the crowd." (14:00)

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4. Sports, Stereotypes & American Pop Culture (23:02–28:35)

• The crew dissects the logic of ‘diversity’ in sports, comparing it to Hollywood’s realistic embrace of recruiting “five gargantuan blacks” for a feel-good basketball movie (Kevin Bacon’s “The Air Up There”).
  • Brett: "The air up there is just slavery told with a comedic twist." (36:07)
• Extended riffs on the incredulity at Asian basketball players and the enduring belief in racial athletic archetypes.
  • “No one's ever said, 'You should see this Japanese guy, 5’7’.' You lost me right there. I'm done." (23:44)
• Commentary on the commercialization and coverage of war, likening cable news’ “addiction” to explosions and conflict to over-eager strip club patrons.

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5. Parodying News, Gender, and War as Entertainment (30:00–35:22)

• War as a TV show:

  • Joking that watching coverage of conflict feels like prime-time, serialized TV:
    • "I'm into this new thing, War starring Donald Trump. It's on all of them." (33:10)
  • Satirizes how networks (Fox, MSNBC, CNN) differ in tone, with Fox “jerking off” to war and MSNBC in “constant tears.”

• Iranian Period Talk Skit:

  • Parodies how an Iranian family might react to a daughter’s first period.
  • “Stuff a sock in it ... Maybe that's where that term came from.” (35:14)
  • Mocks gender taboos and contrasts American and Iranian hygiene products:
    • "Can I get some Playtex? — No, that's American whore stuff. Here is sock." (35:18)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Diversity in the NBA:

  • Brett: “You’re showing the rest of the world you just don’t care. And tickets should be free. Come watch the Bulls go crazy with 5 foot 7 inch Asian men playing professional basketball like it's free.” (14:44)
  • “If you were a fan of the Cardinals, we made fun of Kyler Murray for being too short. He's 6ft tall ... That 5 foot 7 inch Japanese guy playing pro ball gotta be the shortest in the league right now. Has to be.” (16:02)

• On War Coverage:

  • “I'm into this new thing, War starring Donald Trump. It's on all of them.” (33:10)

• Iranian Lake Day Skit:

  • "This is the Iran I wish I knew. Okay, kids, we're at the lake. Now get down your jet skis. Have fun." (07:05)
  • "I can show you the world... We'll crash a plane into 911 building. Look inside, girl. Cover that Poroshenko, please." (05:36)

• Self-Awareness / Satire Annotations:

  • "I don't want to sound bigoted, but I am. And so was the rest of the crowd. So I'm speaking for them." (14:00)

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Key Timestamps

• 01:14 – Show proper begins; jet ski patrol riffing
• 02:30 – Confusion over military action location; start of Iran/Mexico/US eagles satire
• 04:00 – Iranian family lake trip skit
• 05:43 – Aladdin song parody, Iranian twist
• 08:33 – Chicago Bulls/Suns game recap and rant begins
• 11:01 – Stereotype escalation; comparing to past NBA short players
• 14:00 – Explicit admission of bigoted humor
• 16:02 – Cardinals/Kyler Murray comparison
• 23:02 – NBA diversity/devolution riff
• 30:00 – War as TV show/Network coverage lampoon
• 33:10 – “War starring Donald Trump”
• 35:14 – Iranian daughter period skit

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Tone

Edgy, rapid-fire, unapologetically irreverent, satirically “incorrect”; the hosts oscillate between social commentary and often over-the-top character work and racial/cultural humor, with periodic self-aware winks to the audience about the nature of their comedy.

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For Listeners Who Missed It

This episode is classic "Morning Sickness": if you enjoy fast, often dark satire with little filter, where current events and pop culture are twisted into absurdist character-driven skits (often toeing or crossing the line), you’ll find lots to enjoy. The crew is unafraid to voice offensive stereotypes—but does so with enough meta-commentary and playful self-recrimination to let listeners in on the satirical intent.

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Note:

The episode is loaded with controversial humor; context is essential for understanding the intent as satire. If you’re sensitive to stereotypes or abrasive content, this may be one to skip.

Transcript

[John Holmberg]

It's John Holberg here from the Morning Sickness and I am thrilled to shill away from my friends at Turf Monsters. Turf Monsters doesn't just do turf either. They design everything about how you want to live. Sports, golf, pets, entertainment, pergolas, pool stuff, whatever you want. And the quality is incredible. It looks real, that grass, it drains perfectly. There's basically no maintenance, no mud, no grass. A backyard you actually enjoy. If you thought about upgrading your outdoor space, start right [e-mail] make your backyard the best room in the house.

[Brett]

Check it out.

[John Holmberg]

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[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

Holmberg's morning sickness. The old method of treatment for a person in this condition was to throw him in jail.

[Brett]

Here on the last day of the Metallica sphere contest for all you live listeners, we're taping the podcast live right now and you can hear it on the archaic 97.9 FM dial. See, I'm doing them, I'm indoctrinating them into believing that they got to switch off of that eventually. You'll see. But for the live listeners, this is gold. And there's still plenty of you out there. Star ownership group doesn't pay attention to you anymore. The seven o' clock word will be yours next. The six o' clock word is closing up shop right now. It's Lulu. Lulu, by the way, I didn't give the spelling, so Lulu is ready to go with that. A lot of you are emailing in telling me, my God, I hadn't thought of it myself, but I always thought of Iranians as the people who just lived in tents and like bullet desert people. Yeah, bullet riddled homes that are just constantly under the threat of explosion. I've never thought of them on jet skis. Well, on that note, as we just bring it up, the news just broke. Donald Trump has unleashed American fury on the coast of wherever. I don't know, Iran, I guess, where our navy is now patrolling the entire strait on jet skis. It's an awesome weekend.

[Commentator / Guest]

They're doing the border to here in Mexico.

[Guest / Child]

Well, they're doing it here, yeah.

[Brett]

Oh, I thought it was in Iran. Misread it. Okay, so we're doing jet skis in Mexico right now, down on the Gulf, as I understand. Kick ass. That's great.

[Guest / Comedic Voice]

Also like to announce Operation Watch the Eagle and over Venezuela, Iran and Mexico. And Mexico is a little weird because they've got an eagle on their flag. They stole it.

[Brett]

That's ours.

[Commentator / Guest]

That's a golden eagle.

[Guest / Comedic Voice]

I've launched Brady in the world today. I've launched over 450,000 bald eagles over Iran right now. So we control the airspace. I figured why not? Why not launch eagles? We can Iran. You just look up and you just see nothing but Israeli and American jets, followed by those majestic, giant American eagles. Those gorgeous, beautiful bald eagles. Bald is beautiful, Brett. They say hello. Holmberg says it all the time. He looks in the mirror and he

[Brett]

wipes tears away and he says, bald is beautiful. Remember?

[Guest / Comedic Voice]

Just an insecurity. He's trying to mask it. Look at that jet ski.

[Commentator / Guest]

Navy Coasties.

[Guest / Comedic Voice]

We're going to change the name of the Coast Guard to the Kickass weekend in Mexico.

[John Holmberg]

Guys.

[Brett]

How about that? We have a jet ski patrol. We're basically Baywatch. But you got to remember, like, Iran has them, too. Think about that. All those Iranians that move here have the toys, but you never think of them over in Iran. Like loading up the car. Okay, everybody get in car, huh? Honey, did you forget igloo cooler again?

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

I don't want to have to kill

[Brett]

you with rocks and pelt you with stones. Okay?

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

All right, everyone in the car.

[Brett]

Who has the ox?

[Guest / Child]

I want the ox. Daddy, can I control music?

[Brett]

Yes.

[Guest / Comedic Voice]

Play proper Going to the lake.

[Brett]

Iranian family music, if you don't mind.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

As we fire up our Winnebago, the

[John Holmberg]

jet skis are tied to the back.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

Honey, did you bring Halach Hala Kalash

[Brett]

in the Mountain Dew?

[Guest / Child]

Yes, of course.

[John Holmberg]

All right.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

Did you cover your ankles?

[Brett]

You don't want to get a la burns. Okay.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

Apollo has the reins and he is

[Brett]

going to bring the sun up as we go.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

Brad, turn the radio on. I like this song.

[Brett]

I know.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

I start the Ox with this stuff right here.

[Brett]

Oh, we're going to drive to the lake and have such a day.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

Where is the radio at?

[Brett's Music DJ / Announcer]

That's right here.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

Well, there it goes.

[Brett]

We finally got it.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

This is the best Iranian Going to the Lake song ever. Kick ass. Magic carpet ride. Oh yeah. On the ground of sound I don't deny. Yeah. Any place it goes. He's right. Is this an Iranian accent? I don't know and I don't care. You don't know? Heck, we can fight. Hey, baby, what is it? Why don't you fire over a little ankle your hubby's way, huh? Tease me ho. We can see. Why don't you tell your dreams to me? We'll crash a plane into 911 building. Look inside, girl. Cover that Poroshenko, please. Thank you, Allah. Oh, yeah. Get on the magic. I turned the radio station. This song is boring.

[Brett's Music DJ / Announcer]

Let's give you a little romantic song.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

Oh, yeah. Last night I held Aladdin's lamp.

[Brett]

I like that one, though. Oh, yeah? No, this one I make.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

This one will get her all wet down in her hairy nethers. That's right, everyone. That Iran is the triumph the insult comic. Because I don't know what they sound like. Sing, whore, or else I can show you the world.

[Guest / Child]

Shining, shimmering, splendid. Why do you sound so scared? I'm an Iranian woman. Tell me, princess, now. When did you let your heart design?

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

Now you're turning me on. You're giving me an Iranian boner. I can open your eyes, Take you wonder by wonder. Over, sideways and under.

[Guest / Comedic Voice]

Sing it with me, kids.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

On a magic carpet ride the whole new world.

[Brett]

What is that? An eagle?

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

No.

[Guest / Child]

Fantastic. Look out.

[Commentator / Guest]

Is that a bulge of your velour pants?

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

I got to.

[Brett]

My dress is showing.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

There are no wrinkles in this today.

[Guest / Child]

A whole new drone.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

A dazzling place. I never knew a room without bullet holes. My horse not enclosed. This place is the Iran I wish I knew. Okay, kids, we're at the lake. Now get down your jet skis. Have fun.

[Brett's Music DJ / Announcer]

Hey, you want some new metal for you?

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Kick ass.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

Kick, kick.

[Brett]

Boom.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

Iranian weekend at the lake. Click kick.

[Guest / Child]

Come on.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

Oh, this one's good. I like this. You'll be blown away when I pull this one off at my ringing. Oh, yeah. Go on the old Saturdays when kids go out and play. I was up in my room. I let the stereo play on Saturday. Not faded or jaded Just a kid with a pad and a pen. Imagination.

[Guest / Child]

All this I see. I'm fine. Put the envelope through the line.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

Oh, baby, if it wasn't so gross, I'd put my mouth on your nipples. It's on boogie board.

[Sponsor Announcer]

Clear.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

Click down on the radio. Hit me on the stereo. Yeah, big click with the new Style and you know it. Wild. You know what I want? I want my 72 virgins today. I'm going for it. Sorry.

[Brett]

My Iranian lake trip. That's what you need to put together today. Your Iranian playlist for a weekend at the lake. They have jet skis, they have boats, they have them. We just don't think about it.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

Sorry.

[Brett]

The cartoon that's playing in my head. This is very fun.

[Commentator / Guest]

Get a Mercedes rv.

[Brett]

Yeah, yeah, they love that stuff. I don't know what's going on anymore. Speaking of stereotypes, last night the Suns played the Chicago Bulls. And I went to that game and my buddy Anthony and I and Libman was there and we had a good group, right? And Anthony and I go to our seats and we're watching the Bulls beat the Suns last night and it was a tragic loss for the Suns. This is. These are the types of games that they have got to win. And they're not that unhealthy right now. They're missing a couple of guys, but Booker's back and. And the Bulls are just all injuries and kind of tanking. So it was a game they should have won. I think they were favored by 10 or 11 points and end up losing. Just. They gave the game. It was. It was the worst loss of the year. There's no question about it. It was one of those like, oh, this is there. You're going to look back on that one and go, oh, we lost our way here. But that's okay. They're way ahead of schedule. But the Bulls, last night, if I was the owner of the Bulls, I would fire my entire staff for scouting and general managers and everything else because. And I haven't watched the Bulls play all year.

[John Holmberg]

End of the first quarter, we're looking

[Brett]

out there and the guy next to me goes, who the hell is that? I looked out on the court and there is a. Like a Japanese child playing for the

[Guest / Child]

Bulls and he stands out because he's

[Brett]

5, 7 in Japanese. Now, I don't want to go to stereotypes. Too heavy.

[Brett's Music DJ / Announcer]

Too late.

[Brett]

Yeah, but I mean, after the Iranian lake trip, I think we all know, by the way, 7:00am Word. Lightning. Lightning, 7:00am word. I don't want to go the stereotypes. Too heavy.

[Guest / Child]

But have you not seen basketball? A 5 foot 7 inch Asian, you're not going anywhere.

[John Holmberg]

I mean, if there's a.

[Commentator / Guest]

It's no Lynn Sanity.

[Brett]

No Brady Lynn Sanity wasn't very good. The only reason people liked Lynn Sanity, it's because there was an Asian guy playing basketball. It wasn't that he was so great. He had a couple of games, you were like, is he good at this? He's the only one now.

[Guest / Child]

Yao Ming.

[Brett]

And he even kind of disappointed. Although it was good. He was 7ft tall. And Chinese people don't get it. Japanese dudes, you do not recruit from that there.

[Guest / Child]

You're telling me there isn't one black guy on a G league team right

[Brett]

now that's better than a 5 foot 7 inch Asian? There's rules in the NBA that say you're not allowed to tank the season. Like they'll fine you the second you put a 5 foot 7 inch Asian on the court. You get the fine. Like, we know what you're doing.

[Brett's Music DJ / Announcer]

So you putting the Asian in or Brawny?

[Guest / Child]

Oh, brawny. If you're picking teams in elementary school, who's the last guy off the wall?

[Brett]

I'd pick a crippled black guy before I'd take an Asian 5 foot 7 inch.

[Brett's Music DJ / Announcer]

DeAndre all day.

[Brett]

7. Come on.

[Commentator / Guest]

You don't want pot stick or web in there.

[Guest / Child]

I'm telling you right now.

[Brett]

I'd even take Thriller before I'd take the 5 foot 7 inch Asian. Odds are I'm going to be wrong with Thriller, but I'm still taking my chances. Before.

[Guest / Child]

I don't think that I would assume. No, that's bigotry. But they're terrible.

[Brett]

And there's a reason they don't have

[Guest / Child]

one black guy in their G league team better than the 5 foot 7 inch Asian.

[Commentator / Guest]

Did he get some playing time?

[Guest / Child]

No, he played a lot. The crazy part is he had a couple of rebounds.

[Brett]

What? And the whole crowd was like, I don't want to say it. We're all thinking it. We could say stuff like, he shouldn't be out there. There's not one white guy, a Frenchman, an Argentinian. Like, I'd go down the list of almost every other nation. It stops at Japan. And the next one on the list is like pygmies.

[Guest / Child]

Like, I'm not doing it.

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[Brett]

Holmberg's morning sickness scattering poor is like that ninja can jump well, and that's what I said. Maybe he's got some crouching tiger hidden dragon in him and he can, like, fly on rooftops. No, didn't see. And he took a three and missed it. And I'm like, if. If that little doesn't hit every shot he's cut, like, immediately. You don't. You just don't. So they're tank.

[Commentator / Guest]

It's not a presentation. Like, let the guy's son play because he's.

[John Holmberg]

That's what I said.

[Commentator / Guest]

I said, that's an investment.

[Brett]

I turned to the guy next to me. I'm like, did the Bulls recently sell to a Japanese businessman and his son gets to play? Because there's no reason for that guy to be out there. And I don't want to sound bigoted, but I am. And so was the rest of the crowd. So I'm speaking for them. We all pointed and went, why is he out there? Can we all play? Is this a. Did he win a radio contest in Chicago? Did. Did Tingle give him a play for a weekend? You get to play on the Tanking Bulls and like, hey, I want to pray. All right, you're on. You're on the team. I'm not saying he's bad at basketball. I'm saying there's better options. Five foot seven is the first knock against you ever playing on my team. And then Asian, no, this isn't a thing. You can't do it. You just can't. You're proving to the. You're showing the rest of the world you just don't care. And tickets should be free. Come watch the Bulls go crazy with 5 foot 7 inch Asian men playing professional basketball like it's free.

[Commentator / Guest]

Did he wear a headband?

[Brett]

No, it was like the kamikaze. Yeah, I was just gonna say he did not. He's shooting 27.8% from the field. This guy just looked it up. The Bulls are there. You should get your money back. If you. We should get it back from going to a Bulls road game last night. Why not just have it? You know what I think it is? It's the precursor to go. We can get one of those again.

[Guest / Child]

One of those WNBA women.

[Commentator / Guest]

Pretty close to happening now, if that's right.

[Brett]

So I'm wondering if this is like, take one of the bad teams and shock the crowd with something that shouldn't be out there and then maybe we'll put a woman out there.

[Comedy Club Announcer]

And they're going, yeah.

[Brett]

At least you know, Sabrina Ionescu can play Rising sun downtown.

[Guest / Child]

Well, we all know that.

[Brett]

We've had Asians. You calm down.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

You're not getting a job.

[Brett]

Brady's auditioning for this awesome career. There's no reason to come up with a great catchphrase for him. He ain't going to be around much longer. He's going to get sent packing. But right now there's something going on. Look, if I was. If you were a fan of the

[Guest / Child]

Cardinals, we made fun of Kyler Murray

[Brett]

for being too short.

[Guest / Child]

He's 6ft tall.

[Brett]

On a really good day. He's about 6ft tall. He's a little bit shorter than that, but he's close. But he's a midget in football. And that was the reason why I can't see over line this. And that 5 foot 7 inch Japanese

[Guest / Child]

guy playing pro ball gotta be the

[Commentator / Guest]

shortest in the league right now. Has to be.

[Guest / Child]

And only Asian.

[Brett]

And he's up against, you know, Colin Gillespie last night. Colin Gillespie's, you know, six two, maybe six one.

[Guest / Child]

It made him look like the ball looked too big. And you just wanted like, I'm having time of life.

[Brett]

Of course you are. You're living the dream.

[John Holmberg]

No one else gets to live in Japan.

[Brett]

It was. It was Teemu. Michael jawed on. They ordered him and he showed up and like, I'm putting him on, I'm out. It's Major league. It's the movie Major League. They just went, we got. You know what we're going to do? We're going to try to tank the season, get the owner to sell. I just hired a 5 foot 7 inch Asian guy from Pong Bong to play. He's going to be our point guard.

[Guest / Child]

Oh, really?

[Brett]

Me?

[Guest / Child]

It's been ages since I played basketball.

[Brett]

Well, you're a Chicago Bull now for the Bulls.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

I don't know.

[Brett]

Where'd he go to college? No one knows. He just showed up. Like, he didn't. If he was good in college enough to play in the pros, you'd have heard of him during the tournament. And he's got one of them Asian names, too.

[Brett's Music DJ / Announcer]

What is it?

[Brett]

I don't know.

[John Holmberg]

Suki.

[Brett]

Suki.

[Commentator / Guest]

Pretty awesome, though. They can save some money on shoes. You can just get the youth.

[Brett]

Well, he probably sewed most of them. And everybody, I make those for you. Devin Booker.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

I remember.

[Brett]

Thanks. I Japanese, not Chinese, but it's still funny. Yeah, I. I want my money back. And Andre says if he was black, no one would bat an eye.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, because we've seen that.

[Brett]

Like, you're. When you see A black guy, 5 7, playing pro ball, you're like, wait until he jumps. There's a reason he's out there. We know. And it makes you feel bad for being short and being not able to dunk. Spud Webb was 5:3, but he was.

[Commentator / Guest]

Won the dunk contest.

[Brett]

Mugsy was 5:3. Spud was 5:7 and won the dunk contest. There's a special skill involved. Mugsy Bogues was ridiculous. Ridiculous. And he was five so fast. But if he was Asian, he'd have gotten kicked out. There's no reason for him. And Mugsy bugs as you watch. People knew him in college. Like, what's that little thing like? Wait till you see it. This dude's amazing.

[Commentator / Guest]

They have the bookends. You had Mugsy, the shortest and then the tallest. Yeah. Manute.

[Brett]

Yeah. They were good friends. But watching that last night, I started thinking to myself that the Bulls are up to no good. And the fact that they charge us money to watch teams throw it in the gutter, no other sport has that. Like, golfers. Can't just go, well, I'm out of it. It's going to start hitting it. Everybody does.

[John Holmberg]

Cardinals do it.

[Commentator / Guest]

You don't.

[Brett]

Like, you don't watch professional bowling. And this guy can't win. And he gets. He's got to get into the draft for new contracts. He just starts guttering every time.

[Guest / Child]

You'd find him and kick him out of league.

[Brett]

You can't.

[John Holmberg]

You got to try.

[Brett's Music DJ / Announcer]

The Bulls are owned by Jerry Reinsdorf.

[Brett]

I know. So that's a thing. You deal with that as a socks Fan all the time.

[Brett's Music DJ / Announcer]

And a Bulls fan.

[Brett]

Yeah. Said where they open it? You guys don't know what Chinese and Japanese are? It says, what do you open, a fortune cookie that said, it's a contract to the Bulls. Congratulations, you play. It's a Chinese thing that's not Japanese.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

Stop it.

[Brett's Music DJ / Announcer]

Was a little tired. He's delivering for Pong Pong before the game. You know, he had a few deliveries to make.

[Brett]

Ryan's doors might be in town because the White Sox are here, the Bulls are here. So he's probably hanging around, ordered some Pong Pong on DoorDash.

[Guest / Child]

Oh, hey, Mr. Rangel.

[Brett]

Hey. You're fast. I know.

[Guest / Child]

I get food here real quick from Popo.

[Brett]

You ever consider playing professional basketball?

[Commentator / Guest]

Of course.

[Guest / Child]

What little tiny Japanese man hasn't?

[Brett]

It's a dream of all Japanese men under six feet to play pro ball. Well, your dreams have come true today. Maybe he's the accountant. He's possibly in the Yakuza. Is he a Crouching Bull? Yes, he's a Crouching Bull.

[Commentator / Guest]

I need.

[John Holmberg]

Okay, we make even here.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

You guys owe me an awful lot of money.

[Brett]

Your kuds are not happy with you, Mr. Orion Door. Well, it will make it good. My son get to play professional basketball is any good? He's 57 in Japanese. What do you think? Probably not very good at basketball. All right. There are stereotypes that are true. This dude, if he is worthy, because the numbers I'm seeing on him not should be the biggest star in Japan. Like, he's like the Shohei Ohtani of basketball, only bad at it.

[Commentator / Guest]

Dude's name.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Brett's Music DJ / Announcer]

Long duck dong.

[Brett]

Yeah. Poker. Ponty. Sing something loud. I think is his name. I don't know. I just remember looking up, seeing a couple of U's and a K. I'm like, that must be him on the scoreboard. Like, there he is running around 5 7. I was 5. I was short, and I was 57 in ninth grade, and I was short. Come on, come on. Fess up. Why is that guy out there? Are you a bigot? I kind of might be. Because I think all of us are. We're not watching. Going good for them. We're watching.

[Guest / Child]

What are the Bulls doing?

[Brett]

You've got 22 wins this year. Now's not the time to break open the tiny Asians.

[Commentator / Guest]

I'm excited. I might be able to get a minute on the bowls.

[Brett]

Yeah, it's Brett in perspective. He's an inch taller than Brady. Oh, when I'm wearing shoes, he's okay, right? Well, he's Wearing shoes too. So he has to be barefoot or not.

[Brett's Music DJ / Announcer]

He's not wearing flip flops.

[Brett]

Okay? He's taller than Brady. He's Larry's size.

[Brett's Music DJ / Announcer]

Oh, man.

[Guest / Child]

And he's playing pro bad. You're tanking.

[Brett]

You're. You've quit on humanity. But you can't have little tiny Asians on an NBA court. Make me feel like I got my money's worth. Even though the Bulls won the game. And here's how you know your team did something dumb. When the team that beat you runs around with their head in their hands.

[Guest / Child]

Like, what just happened?

[Brett]

Like, they were surprised. They're not used to winning. They got such a distraction. Well, yeah, maybe the Suns were like, what kind of magic trick are they pulling here? What's he gonna end up doing? You can't take your eye at least, like, you know, guys would. And he tried to, like, push people around. Iguidaro, who's 611 standing next to him, and he puts his hand in his back. I'm like, knock it off. Either do karate or get off of there. Nobody wants to see this. It was terrible. My inner bigot went nuts last night. He shouldn't be out there. If he can play, I can play.

[Guest / Child]

I understand it. Really good.

[Brett]

Yeah, I'm sure you're good at it, but not NBA level good. What's going on? What's going on?

[Guest / Comedic Voice]

Tell you what it is.

[Brett]

It's the indoctrination. Diversity first, then you can't ask questions. The next thing you know, they got

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

broads out there on the court playing ball with the men.

[Brett]

They've already got ponytails calling the fouls. We all know what happened there. Just became about complaints and thoughts. They blow whistles for what you might

[Guest / Child]

have thought about them before the game.

[Brett]

It was a penalty for.

[Guest / Child]

You were being dramatic. I just don't want to deal with it. We're not talking hostile ass. I'll take out the trash. Why is the garbage still by the door?

[Commentator / Guest]

Why?

[Guest / Child]

Oh, eff it.

[Brett]

I'll do it anyway. If you want to watch some good basketball, no one's ever said, you should see this Japanese guy. Five, seven. You lost me right there. I'm done. No, no. Kevin Bacon never traveled to Tokyo and went into the jungle and pulled out five tiny movies coming out this year. Low in the Air is what it's called. Kevin Bacon's Next Trips. Like, I found a bunch of seven foot Africans. I put a team together and it worked out. That was a movie, by the way, that was realistic to everyone. You want to tell me I'm a bigot and all your bigoted views. You guys went and paid money for up in the air and said this seems reasonable. Five people who'd never seen a basketball played the Lakers in the end after like one. And they were coached by Kevin Bacon. Yeah, all I need is five gargantuan blacks and I can put a team together and America went. Yeah, that's, that's plausible. We'll go to see that.

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[John Holmberg]

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[Brett]

Clarity.

[John Holmberg]

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[Guest / Comedic Voice]

Homeburg's morning sickness.

[Brett]

Legitimate movie.

[John Holmberg]

And they tried to say it was

[Brett]

based on a true story. No, it wasn't. Nobody's ever gone to Africa and said, I need five giant ones. I'm gonna go back and make a team out of it. He had peach baskets and like Gilligan's Islands court, immediately they were drawn. It was the most racist thing ever. It's like just set up a drum set. They'll come out of the jungle and start playing it. They'll be good at it too. It's amazing. And put a base there and I watch them hit that base. It was the most racist thing ever. All he had to do was fly over there and look around. There's five or six giant ones in the Sudan. I think they can do it. Terrible. And it was such a believable premise, the NBA actually started doing it.

[Commentator / Guest]

The backstory.

[Brett]

Yeah, there's seven foot. There's seven foot. Dudes just wandered around the Sudan, fly one of our scouts over and get one.

[Commentator / Guest]

Last summer, he was spearing a lion. Now he's on the NBA court.

[Brett]

Fred's playing the. When an airplane. When Ted Stryker and his girlfriend went back to the village and taught him basketball. And it was a laugh line. It's like, yeah, that probably would happen. All these cannibals and headhunters. And he just said, basketball. And they turned into the Globetrotters in two seconds. And nobody said, that's wrong. John did.

[Commentator / Guest]

Pong.

[Brett]

Pong's owner's son, Grant. Make a wish. Oh, my son have a bad disease. Make a wish. Want to pray?

[Brett's Music DJ / Announcer]

Bulls.

[Brett]

Yeah. Crazy. And I watched it. I was there. And I hate to say it this way, but my eyes were wide open. Yeah. He taught them basketball.

[John Holmberg]

Simple calisthenics, worked them up to rudimentary game skills, and finally, advance competitive theory.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

Right?

[Brett]

And it made us all laugh because we're like, oh, yeah, they just. They went into a terrible village of, you know, Africans, and they started dunking. The day they learned basketball, they were great at it. It's a bigoted night. But again, we all have it. Lightning is the word for seven o' clock for the Metallica. You guys are all over that. That's a great thing. All good to get that all going forward. Brett, what do you got in the big board of musical treats today? All right.

[Brett's Music DJ / Announcer]

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[Brett]

Today, Julie says, I didn't think there was any way I'd ever laugh harder than I did when you invented Mexican homelander. But Iranian family trip to the lake might take the cake. Thanks for always putting the world news into ghoul language for us. Love you guys. Julie, while we do what we can, do what we can, I do like the Iranian family.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

All right.

[Brett's Music DJ / Announcer]

On the list, system of a Down, sugar, saliva, obviously. Click, click, boom, pod, boom. Shot down in flames. AC dc. Whose fist is it? Anyway, for Trump, Nine Inch Nails, Sin for tonight's concert. Revolution Is My Name. Electric Call Boy, Tool, The Vapors, Turning Japanese. Slayer, Jihad Ministry. Just one fix for my tooth. The Police, King of Pain. For my tooth.

[Brett]

Oh, yeah.

[Brett's Music DJ / Announcer]

And roudness for the bulls last night.

[Brett]

Oh, it was so weird.

[Guest / Comedic Voice]

By the way, I don't want to interrupt, Brett, but I've got to do. It's prayer time in Iran, and I want to let them know that I'm still very respectful of everything. Very respectful. So I got to announce it. All right, sand people, it's your new president. How are you? That's right, Brett. Sand people. The people of the sand.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

It's not.

[Guest / Comedic Voice]

It's not bad when it's real. Anyway, I know you have to have a song for your prayers to Allah. You love the Allah. He's not done you any favors, but whatever. So here's the new song.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

Get on your knees, face east Just

[Guest / Child]

enjoy your new Allah Pray I'd work for all my life I had to start again with just my.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

Why should we pray to this?

[Brett]

Just do it.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

They'll stop hitting us. Play magic carpet, right, man.

[Guest / Comedic Voice]

We're patrolling things with Ski, but it's very cool.

[Commentator / Guest]

You go there. Now they're yelling free birds.

[Guest / Comedic Voice]

Pretty soon they will be. Pretty soon they will be. Brady, Brady, let me ask you. What are those things called? You tow behind a boat and you get to parachute. You pull that.

[Commentator / Guest]

Parasail.

[Guest / Comedic Voice]

Is it parasail? We got that. We've got the. The Coast Guard's gonna parasail around Venezuela and start. Look at this one. Great stuff. Well, armed parasailers. That's the new military. Good stuff. America's amazing. Look at that.

[Brett]

Eagles.

[Guest / Comedic Voice]

Release the eagles, I said. And there they were all around Tehran. Eagles everywhere, pooping. The Iranians, they loved it. They loved every minute.

[Commentator / Guest]

Water Ski, pyramid, assault teams.

[Guest / Comedic Voice]

That's exactly it. Pretty soon I'm going to do Real Housewives of Tehran.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

We're going to turn them into us.

[Guest / Comedic Voice]

It's going to be great. Going to be great. And I don't know who I'm going to get next. Bread, but I got somebody. And somebody will go over there and get that oil.

[Brett]

It'll all be good.

[Guest / Comedic Voice]

I love being American, and they are going to love it, too.

[Brett]

Or else.

[Guest / Comedic Voice]

Lee Greenwood playing live at Tehran Veterans Memorial Coliseum.

[Brett]

Crazy. You pick one here.

[Brett's Music DJ / Announcer]

What?

[Commentator / Guest]

We're spending a day.

[Brett]

Don't even say that. Don't bring that up. That's an msnbc. I don't even know if that's not Enough, Brady. Because I love watching explosions. You go to fox news.com they don't even have any of the news anchors up. They've just got a video looped of things blowing up. They're celebrating everything. It's awkward how much they like it.

[Commentator / Guest]

It's like the Fourth of July.

[Brett]

It's. It's beyond. We're probably going to run that. Oh, I can't imagine it's our 250th anniversary for. There's going to be so many videos of people getting blown up on the. They're going to love it. They're way too into it. It's that thing where you high five a guy at first at a strip club, like, yeah, yeah, she's hot. And then a couple seconds later, he wants another high five. I'm like, all right, you give him another. Then like a second later, he's like. And he's getting way too into it. Like, all right, dude, there's going to be a lot of boobs tonight. Are you going to do this for all of them? You're into it too much. That's what we're doing with the explosions over at Fox. And then they're doing a teardrop count at Ms. Now because they can't stop sobbing about everything that's gone wrong.

[Guest / Comedic Voice]

War Tonight starring Me.

[Brett's Music DJ / Announcer]

And we've had a couple people asking what channel you're watching War on. I'm watching the news.

[Brett]

I told Scott Taylor that. He goes, you watching any new shows? I'm like, yeah, I'm into this new thing, War starring Donald Trump. It's on all of them. And he goes, what? I'm like, yeah, Trump's in it and he's got all of these people and then they just crush in Iran, like on a daily, and they get to see it. And he's looking at me like, what are you talking about? Like, war. It's on. It's on every night. Are you talking about the war?

[John Holmberg]

Like, yeah, it's a TV show now.

[Brett]

They've made it. It's awesome. We've made it a TV show.

[John Holmberg]

You get all this entertainment.

[Brett]

You can flip. So I am watching on Fox a lot. Like, it depends on my mood if I want to laugh. Comedy. War is Ms. Now because they're so helpless. It's funny. CNN is just like, we don't know what to do with war. War. And foxes just jerk off to war

[Brett's Music DJ / Announcer]

On a very special episode of War.

[Brett]

That's exactly it. Ms. Now is Blossom. Tonight on a very special episode of War, Blossom gets Her period. And then how do they have those talks in Iran? What is all over the floor here?

[Guest / Child]

Father, I have become a woman today.

[Brett]

Not in my house.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

Clean that up and go walk the earth.

[Guest / Child]

I'm so sorry. I have bled on my white robes.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

Oh, God. Burn the house down. Her disgusting female body. Ovaries have sloughed into my home.

[Brett]

You will walk the border of the city and you come back and the neighbors will stone you. I'm sorry. It's the way it should be.

[Commentator / Guest]

HBO's already changed the pit to Iran.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

Yeah.

[Brett]

The Ron. Yeah. It's hour by hour. What's going on in Iranian and emergency rooms? It's not good. Yeah. What do they do with Iranian girls who start their period? They'd have us believe that they don't even deal with it. They have to do. They have Playtex over there.

[Commentator / Guest]

I got the commercials. Mom, what do you do?

[Brett]

Yeah, what do you do with that not so fresh feeling? I shut my mouth and I'm a good woman and stay quiet.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

And I stuff a sock in it.

[Brett]

Maybe that's where that term came from. Yeah.

[Guest / Child]

What do I do? I think I am on my period.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

Stuff a sock in it.

[Brett]

Okay.

[Guest / Child]

Can I get some Playtex?

[Brett]

No, that's American whore stuff. Here.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

Here is sock.

[Brett]

Put it in there.

[Brett's Music DJ / Announcer]

Here is wool from goats.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

There's a little gold. Will put that on there.

[Brett]

Disgusting. Bleeding. Your broken tomato part. We will have that blazed out next week. That is disgusting. Yuck. Anyway, and they're probably not wrong about that. The period should be handled. You pick one, Bert, with your broken man.

[Brett's Music DJ / Announcer]

Let's go, Ministry. Just one fix.

[Brett]

Gotta love that. Nothing wrong with that one. Wow. Kyle said, do you realize that the movie, the air up there is just slavery told with a comedic twist?

[John Holmberg]

And I explain a white dude goes

[Brett]

to Africa and looks for the biggest, strongest Africans and then brings them back to America to work for an owner. His owner. Yeah, it's about.

[Commentator / Guest]

They got paid.

[Brett]

Slavery. All right, we're not talking to you about slavery because you've got one. You're going to defend me, Rodney? You're going to defend that? I never thought of that. Ski went over and you. He's pulled five of them out. You moved him to America to do. To work for some white billionaire. My God. The air up there is some sort of a. One of those. What do they call that? An analogy. I gotta watch that movie again with a raised eyebrow. Anyway, Bert's gotta get.

[John Holmberg]

If there's a dentist out there that'll work on Bert.

[Brett]

Today. Would you go to them? Like if you said, I'll fix it?

[Brett's Music DJ / Announcer]

No, I'll wind up in some Maryville Holiday Inn or something.

[Guest / Child]

How bad is it already?

[Commentator / Guest]

I'm getting it done.

[Brett]

I get it done.

[Commentator / Guest]

I'm waiting.

[Brett]

I'm going today at night. So I'd let Dr. Tio work on me in a day.

[Commentator / Guest]

Little lawn chair in a backyard, no problem.

[Brett's Music DJ / Announcer]

Got a gun of silicone. He's just going to fill it up.

[Guest / Child]

Brett, you're up.

[Brett]

Walk to the kitchen, the living room. Step over the baby toys. The dentist will see you in a minute.

[Brett's Music DJ / Announcer]

I'll give you a tamale when we're done.

[Guest / Comedic Voice]

Yeah, get free tamales anywhere.

[Brett]

You don't get pups, you don't get lollies.

[Brett's Music DJ / Announcer]

Not here.

[Guest / Comedic Voice]

Tamales.

[Brett]

My abuelito worked very hard on those. And also she's your dentist. All right, do it, Ministry. Just one fix. Here we go. This is a great song.

[Guest / Child]

Hey, it's not weird.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

It's pretty cool, actually.

[Brett]

No membership fee.

[Iranian Family Member / Narrator]

I have heard enough of this.

[John Holmberg]

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[Guest / Child]

It's for all of you.

[Brett]

Everybody who loves a cool adventure.

[John Holmberg]

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