03-18-25 - Bert Kreischer - New Netflix Special And Tour - Call In

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona: Bert Kreischer - New Netflix Special And Tour - Call In (03-18-25)

Host/Author: 98KUPD | Hubbard Radio
Release Date: March 18, 2025

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Introduction

In the March 18, 2025 episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness on Arizona's #1 Morning Radio Show, host John Holmberg engages in a lively and humorous conversation with renowned comedian Bert Kreischer. The episode, recorded on March 18, 2025, delves into Bert's latest ventures, including his new Netflix special, his upcoming tour, and personal anecdotes that reveal his candid and entertaining personality.

Bert Kreischer's Latest Projects

The discussion kicks off with Bert Kreischer sharing exciting updates about his career. He proudly announces the release of his new Netflix special titled "Lucky", which is streaming at the time of the broadcast.

Bert Kreischer [10:02]: "I'm streaming right now on Netflix."

Bert also provides details about his forthcoming Permission to Party World Tour, highlighting a notable show at the Desert Diamond Arena in October.

Bert Kreischer [10:21]: "I'm doing the Permission to Party World Tour. It's so funny. I named it Permission to Party."

John Holmberg enthusiastically promotes Bert's tour, emphasizing the high demand and urging listeners to secure tickets promptly.

Host [12:46]: "Bertbertbert.com is where you get tickets to Desert Diamond Arena and Glendale and all the other stuff you offer."

Health and Body Image: A Comedic Take

A significant portion of the conversation centers around Bert's relationship with his body image and health. John compliments Bert on maintaining his humor despite weight fluctuations, which Bert approaches with his trademark self-deprecating humor.

Host [03:24]: "I sat in this room years ago and told Lisa Lampanelli to never lose weight. She won't be funny. She'll get too emotional. And you managed. ... You've managed to lose weight and stay funny."

Bert responds candidly, discussing his weight journey and the impact on his career.

Bert Kreischer [03:55]: "I'm still morbidly obese. ... My problem is I got to 285, okay? ... I think I just got back to happy fat."

The conversation evolves into a humorous debate about the correlation between physical appearance and comedic talent, with Bert defending his choice to prioritize health over extreme weight loss.

Host [05:37]: "It's like when rock stars get clean and their music isn't as good. ... funny big people have to remain a little bit big because if you're ever ripped again, it'll be like, ah, Bert, I can't have Bert be hilarious and hot."

Bert humorously critiques the idea of drastic physical transformation for the sake of humor, affirming his commitment to being healthy while maintaining his comedic essence.

Bert Kreischer [06:18]: "You don't want me to look like a Funko. ... My thing is, if my cardiologist tells me I'm healthy, that's the good weight for me."

Upcoming Events and Collaborations

Bert reveals plans for a 5K event in Tampa, combining fitness with fun, and featuring performances by artists like Jelly Roll.

Bert Kreischer [08:01]: "These 5Ks have been huge. ... we're going to have I think 7,000 people at our 5K in Tampa."

The event aims to promote health and community engagement, culminating in a massive party and concert at Raymond James Stadium.

Host [09:19]: "You guys all run to Raymond James and then everybody goes nuts. And Jelly Roll is going to perform."

Reflections on Past Projects and Controversies

The conversation takes a more introspective turn as Bert and John discuss the movie "Tiptoes", reflecting on its offensive portrayal of individuals with disabilities and the broader implications of such representations in media.

Host [13:58]: "I've been trying to organize for about four years. ... you and Tom get Matthew McConaughey on and start watching the movie with him."

Bert shares his disdain for the film, highlighting the problematic aspects of casting decisions and the portrayal of people with Down syndrome.

Bert Kreischer [15:17]: "Rosie the Retard ... It's so bad. ... It's more offensive than anything anyone's ever said on stage about anyone with any mental disability."

The hosts express their frustration with insensitive media portrayals, emphasizing the need for respectful and authentic representations.

Listener Interactions and Personal Anecdotes

A humorous moment arises when John recounts a listener's email expressing unwarranted hatred towards Bert, anticipating negativity that Bert himself denies exhibiting.

Host [17:22]: "I had a guy email last week and said that he hated me because sometimes I talk bad about politics ... As soon as he calls in, I'm done with that guy."

Bert playfully addresses the notion of being mean, reassuring listeners of his genuine and positive demeanor.

Bert Kreischer [18:38]: "We've never had anything but a blast when we hang out."

The hosts delve into personal stories, including Bert's past experiences with MMA fighters and the unintended consequences of on-air banter.

Bert Kreischer [21:24]: "He [CB Dalloway] saw what I was saying and was like, 'We can take it in the ring.' I was like, 'I think it's illegal for you to. I'm going home.'"

These anecdotes highlight the unpredictable nature of interactions between public figures and fans, underscoring the importance of mindful communication.

Music, Pop Culture, and Light-Hearted Banter

The episode also touches on lighter topics, such as favorite musicians and humorous critiques of pop culture icons. Bert shares his admiration for Alice in Chains, while the hosts humorously discuss preferences in music and celebrity personas.

Host [28:17]: "What song? ... First thing came to mind was Damn that River."

Bert humorously responds, blending genuine appreciation with his signature comedic style.

Bert Kreischer [30:06]: "It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fee."

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Notable Quotes

• Bert Kreischer [03:55]: "I'm still morbidly obese. ... I think I just got back to happy fat."
• Host [05:37]: "It's like when rock stars get clean and their music isn't as good. ... funny big people have to remain a little bit big because if you're ever ripped again, it'll be like, ah, Bert, I can't have Bert be hilarious and hot."
• Bert Kreischer [06:18]: "You don't want me to look like a Funko. ... My thing is, if my cardiologist tells me I'm healthy, that's the good weight for me."
• Bert Kreischer [15:17]: "Rosie the Retard ... It's so bad. ... It's more offensive than anything anyone's ever said on stage about anyone with any mental disability."
• Host [28:17]: "What song? ... First thing came to mind was Damn that River."
• Bert Kreischer [30:06]: "It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fee."

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Conclusion

The March 18th episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness with Bert Kreischer offers a blend of humor, candid conversations, and insightful reflections. From discussing health and body image to sharing updates on his latest projects and engaging in light-hearted banter, Bert provides listeners with an entertaining and honest look into his life as a comedian and public figure. The episode underscores the importance of balancing personal well-being with professional commitments, all delivered with Bert's unique comedic flair.

For those interested in Bert Kreischer's new Netflix special "Lucky," available now, and his Permission to Party World Tour, tickets can be secured at bertbertbert.com. Additionally, his upcoming 5K event in Tampa promises a fun-filled experience combining fitness and entertainment.

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Note: All timestamps correspond to the points in the provided transcript and are included to highlight notable moments within the episode.

Transcript

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[Unknown Host]

You're listening to the HMS Podcast, brought to you by mmpguns.com your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories. You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's evil sitting right here. Come on.

[Unknown Host]

No, no, he's not. He's not evil.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's just a bit rude.

[Unknown Host]

Before we get to Bert Kreischer. He'll be emailing shortly. His special is out right now. Get ready for that. I got an email from a guy. There's Bert. We'll talk to Bert about this, but I'm worried because Bert Kreischer's. He hadn't called us in a while. It's been a minute, right? And he helped us with a MILF contest years ago. He was. God, that was at the old building. What was that here? No, that was at the old building. Holy smokes. That was 10 years ago. Known Bert for a little while. And the good thing. Yeah, Gray paper was there. I wonder what happened to all those girls that Bert was. We loved so much. But yeah, Grape Ape was there. And there he is. You got him ready and you go, bert Kreischer's on the phone. Bert, are you there?

[Bert Kreischer]

Are we talking about Grape Ape?

[Unknown Host]

We're talking about Grape Ape again. It's weird that that's our connection. Is that Grape Ape girl? Never forget Grape, who is so hot and had that weird. Like, oh my God, the purple and the strange tattoos. But you'll always be associated with her no matter what you do in your career.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know. You know, that picture comes anytime I look at Phoenix, Arizona on my map pictures. That picture comes up first. I can text it to you right now.

[Unknown Host]

Do it. I want. I absolutely want to see. Because I forgot what Grape Ape looked like. But I know we all really liked her. But she didn't win.

[Bert Kreischer]

Listen, we. Listen, we can't I know she didn't win, but we can't. I. She's got to be, like, what, 50 now?

[Unknown Host]

She's probably pushing 50. Wasn't great, babe. Pregnant. Didn't we find out she was.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, that was.

[Unknown Host]

That was another one. Yeah, that was another one. That was another. Or was that Lovett's? Lovett's might have hosted that one year and that one of the girls revealed that she was pregnant right now. Or was that when Tracy Morgan was a judge? He tends to get all of our contestants pregnant. Did you see what happened to Tracy Morgan last night, Bert?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that's a little heartbreaking.

[Unknown Host]

It is. Like, because people are like, oh, he might have eaten something. Something's bad going on. Like, I don't think Tracy just had a hot dog and just started. Have you ever yacked and spontaneously vomited and then been wheeled out of the room? Yeah, it doesn't.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I've never. Listen, I, I, I have a. I have a weird thing with throwing up. I don't throw the only time. Oh, I take that back. Oh, no, I take that back entirely. I was the grand marshal of Gasparilla, and I was throwing up off the float.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah, but that makes sense, because that's a party. That wasn't, like, a Shriners convention. You're, like, supposed to have fun, and the throwing up meant it was going great, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I was drunk, and I was just throwing up. All right, here's great vape. I got her. What number do I send it to?

[Unknown Host]

Send it to Brady. I don't know if you have mine anymore, because I had my phone.

[Bert Kreischer]

I got there. I got Brady's.

[Unknown Host]

Okay, yeah, send that over. So we're getting in all this stuff. I have to tell you two things. First off, let me say how proud I am of you for two reasons. I sat in this room years ago and told Lisa Lampanelli to never lose weight. She won't be funny. She'll get too emotional. And you managed. There's the picture. Man, oh, man. Great, babe. She had that purple hair. Forget about that Snapchat. You managed to lose weight and stay funny, which is really hard for comedians who have, like, always been a little bit, you know, jolly to get thin and in great shape and still remain hilarious. So that's huge.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm, you know, I'm still morbidly obese. Let's be. I've always been. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. You've known me at the size. I've been. I've been within 40 pounds of this size. My problem is I got to 285, okay? And at 285, it was, like, unmanageable. It was sad. You'd look at me on stage, you'd be like, this guy's not gonna be around for long. And so I think I just got back to happy fat.

[Unknown Host]

Okay, maybe because. Because you didn't get to, like, you know where you're going to quit comedy and start telling people about your journey, which is what I always worry about. When people lose tons of weight, they stop. Like Ralphie. I used to tell Ralphie all the time when he, like, if you ever get down to normal size, nobody's going to want to lose chicks to you. And that's, you know, we like it that you're kind of a mess.

[Bert Kreischer]

First of all, I'm so glad Ralph. Ralphie took your advice and died. You know what?

[Unknown Host]

I'm just going to ch. Check out. Homework's right. Yeah. I think maybe the. Yeah. The idea of Ralphie just croaking before. Before actually getting healthy was because I said so.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, it's a good. No, it's a good career move.

[Unknown Host]

It was the smartest thing he could have done.

[Bert Kreischer]

He. The best is people go like. Rogan was like, he's like, dude, your shoulders are distracting. And I was like. I was like, let's be honest. You put me up next to any regular fit human being and you will still call me fat. And I was like, but, yeah, I tried to lose weight just to get healthy because I was like, I was at 285. I was so disgusted. It's where your belly hangs over your pants. And I was like, I can't.

[Unknown Host]

I don't know what that's like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, okay, Mr. Barbecue.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah, it just gets that thing. It's like when rock stars get clean and their music isn't as good. And it's like, God, you kind of needed the heroin to be really great. I think funny big people have to remain a little bit big because if you're ever ripped again, it'll be like, ah, Bert, I can't have Burt be hilarious and hot.

[Bert Kreischer]

You don't want you. What you don't want to see. This is what happens to a guy like me. If I get ripped, I'm gonna have a weird looking head. And that's not funny. You don't want to look like, what are those things that Jo Koy sells? Those Pikachu.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah, the one of the Funkos. Funkos. Yeah, the Funko Pops. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You don't want me to look like a Funko. No. My thing is, if my cardiologist tells me I'm healthy, that's the good weight for me.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So in the special, I think I'm like 235, 240.

[Unknown Host]

That's good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Listen. Anyone listening? Yeah. How much do you weigh?

[Unknown Host]

I'm 218.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. That's. Is that skinny?

[Unknown Host]

I mean, I could lose probably seven or eight more pounds and be okay, but I'm okay. Right now. I'm feeling pretty good. I can lose seven or eight break. Lose seven or eight pounds and then start over again and do it again tomorrow. And then the next day, maybe three, four times, he tells two friends, and they tell two friends and so on. But, yeah. Yeah. So I'm in a good spot.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's health.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

My thing is health, and I'm. My. All my biomarkers come in healthy, and I'm too. I'm 245 right now. I was probably 2:35 during the special. Maybe 240. But, like, you know, I'm cool with where I'm at. I still have a belly. I still drink. I still party. I still take my shirt off. You know, I'm. I'm just jacked under this fat.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah, it's what's underneath that counts. It's what's on the inside that matters. It's not outside fat's no big deal. Yeah. And then you and Tom are doing your run and all that. You're bringing Jelly Roll, which is weird because people root for Jelly Roll to lose weight, and I didn't with Ralphie, and I think it might be the same. Is he Ralphie? Is that really Ralphie?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, it's not.

[Unknown Host]

Pretty sure. Ralphie just pulled a Jim Morrison.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sounds so much alike.

[Unknown Host]

I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah. What if. What if. What if? It was the. It was the ultimate Elvis disappearing act, and Ralphie just came back as a rapper.

[Unknown Host]

I'll come back into countries Only talk to God when I. That's Ralphie. I watched him the first time talking, and I'm like, I know what's going on around here, but it's good that he loses weight. We want him to be healthy because he was huge.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, the truth is. Well, the truth is, Jelly, like, Ralphie had a lot of. A lot of addiction problems.

[Unknown Host]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

A lot of partying problems. And I think all of us at a certain point, said to Jelly, we were like, yo, you don't want to grow out like Ralphie. Like, there's no. I Mean, there's nothing wrong with just being like £300. There's nothing wrong with being £250. Like, you know, get, lose the, lose the weight, get healthy. And by the way, it's like being healthy feels great. Now listen, partying feels even better, especially when you do it in the morning. But like, but like being inspiring someone to get healthy. And that's the reason we did the 5K was like, Tom's lost a lot of weight. He's like 180 pounds now. And we were like, yo, we're trying to be healthier. We're not. I always work out, but I only work out so I can party. So, like, get on that journey and get a little healthier. And these 5Ks have been huge. I mean, we're going to have I think 7,000 people at our 5k in Tampa.

[Unknown Host]

No kidding. That's ridiculous. Well, that's awesome. And it is, it is a good thing to like, feel better.

[Bert Kreischer]

And by the way, it is, it is three miles. It's, everyone can do this. It's three miles. And then we just throw a huge party on the field at Raymond James Stadium and just blow it out.

[Unknown Host]

You guys all run to Raymond James and then everybody goes nuts. And Jelly Roll is going to perform.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I'm sure Jelly will perform. We'll do Stand up, will roast some people.

[Unknown Host]

Oh my God, that's amazing. And anybody can go. It's on May 4th. You can still like get in, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah. In Tampa. Yeah, it's, it's, it's going to be on the field. We're doing the races around Raymond James Stadium and then we, you finish on the field and then we'll have a stage, we'll have a. We have like cold plunges, saunas, we have IVs, we have everything set up for anyone that needs to recover to party that day. And then we'd party until like 7:00 at night and then a concert starts outside.

[Unknown Host]

That's awesome. Okay, so that's great. You got your special coming out today, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm streaming right now on Netflix.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah, it's called Lucky. Yeah, it started a minute, but it ends. It's two hours. You have to. It's not a never ending special, but yeah, you could came out last night, so you got that today. You're coming to town in October and you're doing the former hockey arena. It's huge. Man. That's a gigantic place. That's Desert Diamond.

[Bert Kreischer]

What? Desert Diamond? Yeah, I'm doing the permission to party world Tour. It's so funny. I named it Permission to Party. And as I announced it, we got calls from abroad. They were like, yo, do you want to do some abroad stuff? I was like, absolutely. And they're like, how about Dubai? I was like, I don't know if. I was like, I don't. Can you party there? And they're like, no, absolutely not. I was like, well, the tour's called Permission to party, and you're saying I do not have permission to party? And they're like, no, you can't party, and you got to wear a shirt. I was like, wait, so why am I going there? Yeah. Just to hit women. Like, what. What is the. Hear the words you say sometimes? I mean, who talks like that? 98 PD Holmberg's morning sickness.

[Unknown Host]

Yes. I mean, that's the cell. That is the cell right there.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like.

[Unknown Host]

I mean, that's the roasting.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean, I could get it all out, Go over there, punch a couple.

[Unknown Host]

Bras, come back, line them up like Jeff Ross. And it's. It's the roasting, but it's. It's. It's the Watch your mouth tour. The men are talking.

[Bert Kreischer]

The men are talking world tour. I was like. And then they're like. And you can't really talk positively about Jewish people. I go, okay, so I slammed the Jews, hit a chick. What else is what? What other things can I not do here that I get to do on vacation?

[Unknown Host]

It's like, Kanye's going over there. It sounds great. Yeah. And you got to do it completely sober.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you know how fun it would be to just get on stage and just rail against the Jewish people for an hour? And for my closer, I'm bringing up my wife.

[Unknown Host]

It's like a Gallagher show. At the end, you just slug women.

[Bert Kreischer]

There she is.

[Unknown Host]

Slug him into the front row. You bring out the sledge o matic and then just hit women with it. Oh, dude, Dubai comedy. I love that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I may have to do this anyway. I was like. They're like. I was like, can I wear. Instead of, like, I don't want to wear just a shirt. Can I just wear, like, your shirts that go to your ankles and they're like. That's not what they're called.

[Unknown Host]

Those gowns.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, you're really long shirts.

[Unknown Host]

Can I wear one of your sleeping shoes? That's hilarious.

[Bert Kreischer]

I do have one of your. You have a screwed shirt I can wear.

[Unknown Host]

Oh, my God. Bert Kreischer is on with us this morning. Burtbertbert.com if you want to grab tickets to a show in October? It sounds like we're selling October. Your shows sell out quick, so they do this early. And then, of course, if you wanted to travel over there on May 4th and be part of that 5k, that's pretty awesome, too. Specials on Netflix. I do have a bone to pick with you because you and Tom Segura beat me to the punch on something I've been trying to organize for about four years. But you one up me because your celebrity status is so much better. I have been on a Tiptoes, the movie, like, Crusade for the longest time. And I tried to get Brad Williams, and we were going to do this, and David Alan Greer, who were both in this terrible movie, to come do a viewing at the club. And we were going to watch it in front of a crowd and have Brad talk about how horrendously offensive it is to little people. And David Alan Greer explain himself for why he took the role in the first place. And then you have, like, you and Tom get Matthew McConaughey on and start watching the movie with him. Like, well, this is nothing. This is so much better than what I was going to do. It's ridiculous. But you've watched Tiptoes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. It is aggressive.

[Unknown Host]

Yes. I have a serious worst.

[Bert Kreischer]

The worst is. The worst is the. I don't know what. How they shoot Gary Oldman, but it's like. It's like, you know, you ever see those videos where. Where you see a truck and then you see fingers smashing the truck, and then they pick up a baby truck and you're like, oh, that was a baby truck the whole time.

[Unknown Host]

Right. It's a mom.

[Bert Kreischer]

How they shoot Gary Oldman.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah. He had a backpack that they put under his shirt to pull his shoulders back. And he walked around on his knees and it shifted. Yeah. And it moved around. I have a theory, though, about this movie, and that's why I wanted. They got David Alan Greer to be in it. Right. And I think they were like, we've got David Alan Greer. And then one of the people on a phone on a bad connection said, all right, see if you can get Gary Coleman. And they accidentally called Gary Oldman and he said he'd do it. And, like, we actually. Yeah. So that. The whole idea, I think it was supposed to be black.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'll tell you right now.

[Unknown Host]

The whole.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was the era of. Of, like, radio and, like, when you. You can play like a person with down syndrome and get an Oscar.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah. So you had to have. Yeah, yeah. It's great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. Did you see what my. My sister rides the bus.

[Unknown Host]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Type in Rosie the Retard in. In Google, on YouTube and it's Rosie O'Donnell playing a person with down syndrome.

[Unknown Host]

I do remember this.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. It is so bad. It is almost. It's. It's more offensive than anything anyone's ever said on stage about anyone with any mental disability watching someone play one. You know, there's a list. They should. There should be a compilation of everyone that did that. Radio is the worst. Radio is terrible.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah. Cuba Gooding kind of lost everything after radio because.

[Bert Kreischer]

And they're doing. And they're just. And they're just playing on the fact that people with down syndrome are stronger than everyone else.

[Unknown Host]

It's true, though. I mean, it's. Nobody likes to say it, but that's stronger. Yeah. We had a nurse tell us once. They all have huge weights.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hang on. I watched the down syndrome weightlifting competition. They're just the same. Come on. I've been really into. I've been really into. I've been really into powerlifting lately. I watched. Let me tell you something, Donaldson. Deuce Gruden is ridiculously strong, and they have down syndrome powerlifting, and they're just the regular strong.

[Unknown Host]

You're comparing them to power lifters, though. They don't work out. Like.

[Bert Kreischer]

No. But other power lifters, they're not like. That was always. The myth. Is there was. Yeah, it's a myth.

[Unknown Host]

That's not a myth, Buster. I totally disagree. They're not in the gym all the time. They have natural strength. They go out there like an orangutan and just throw the weight up. A power lifter like Deuce. Yes. That's a fact. I don't know if that's. I don't know if that's offensive or not, Bert, but I'm right. That's science. And then power lifters like Deuce have to work, work to get to this.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Unknown Host]

These guys just show up and he's taking supplements. Yeah, They're. They are made of supplements. Counter argument.

[Bert Kreischer]

I watch. You'd be shocked. What videos are in my. In my algorithm. They. They. They work. They go to the. I say they, like, they're. This is the worst conversation. Keep going.

[Unknown Host]

They gaggle up. It's a murder of people. And they wander over to the gym and start powerlifting. I think they'd be good at it. Day one.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm wondering how huge.

[Unknown Host]

If you could just. If they got on a steroids. Yeah. You'd blow one up.

[Bert Kreischer]

Google it. I'm telling you right now. All right. Same strength.

[Unknown Host]

I gotta. I'm gonna argue I don't think the training's the same, but I will Google it. I'll do my research, because it sounds like a fun day. Anyway, another thing, I got this email, and I like this stuff. I had a guy email last week and said that he hated me because sometimes I talk bad about politics that he, like, he didn't like. I made fun of the president and he didn't like that. And then. And then the second thing he thought about me was, I might be a pedophile. Which I think is the headline. I think if you're gonna be mad at anybody, it's less political and more like, I think you might also be a pedophile. But this guy just emailed in and when I said Bert Kreischer was gonna be on, and he goes, there's not many times I check out of the show, but as soon as he calls in, I'm done with that guy. I know you don't plan on making people laugh. I'll check in later. His name is Empson. So I emailed back and I said, you know, what are you talking about? Bert's hilarious. He hasn't been on the show for years. And he goes, don't be nice. He's going to be mean to you. And I haven't felt that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Never.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah. Don't you love when people just have.

[Bert Kreischer]

They have a rational email someone else?

[Unknown Host]

Yeah, that's what I thought. I'm like, who could he possibly be angry at that thinks Bert's going to call in and just be, like, cruel and come after us? It's never happened.

[Bert Kreischer]

We've never had anything but a blast when we hang out.

[Unknown Host]

I don't understand it. And it's been so long that he's harbored this so much that when I said, hey, Bert Kreischer is going to join us this morning at 7, he emailed me to tell me, well, you're doing it without me, instead of just not listening. I don't understand people.

[Bert Kreischer]

So right now he's. He's sitting in his car in silence, just looking at his watch, going, 15 minutes. 15 minutes. I can pull him back in.

[Unknown Host]

I'll go back.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, so listen, at 7:17, when you guys come back from break, be like you both you guys be crying and be like, this was so cruel. He said about me.

[Unknown Host]

Why does he hate the Jews so much? He's changed.

[Bert Kreischer]

You can't man. You know, you can't. You can't listen to anyone. Like, it's so everyone's opinions. Because I've done. I've done stuff like that where I'm like, yeah, I'm not a fan. And then all of a sudden, you run into them on a plane, and you're like, oh, my God, I'm the biggest fan in the world.

[Unknown Host]

Who'd you get caught by? Dax Shepard immediately had an answer. So he used to say, dax Shepard was not.

[Bert Kreischer]

He. He called me out like his. Because I said something. I said something on a podcast. We've talked about this on his podcast and on my pod. My podcast with him. But he got into podcasting, and me and Tom had been doing it for, like, seven years or whatever at the time. He got into podcast, and immediately he had the number one podcast. And I just was like, I don't know. We were doing a podcast, and I just lit him up, and I was like, you know, f. Dax shepherd this and that. Just like. Like, just talking. Just talking wild, thinking he'd never hear it, right? He definitely heard it. And then. And then I got a. I got a text, and it was like, hey, Dax Shepard wants to be on your podcast. And I was like, okay, absolutely. He goes on the podcast, he goes, why did you talk trash about me? I was like, you heard that? Almost.

[Unknown Host]

Morning sickness.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hear the words you say sometimes. I mean, who talks like that? 98 kill you. Holmberg's morning sickness.

[Unknown Host]

Did you have to apologize?

[Bert Kreischer]

You lied to him. But the thing is, you don't think the people are gonna hear it.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah, for sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, you say stuff. Like, you say stuff, and you don't think they're gonna hear it. And then they. And then sometimes you forget you said it.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then you're sitting at an MMA fight and some fighter comes up, and he's like, I heard you say you could kick my ass. And I was like, I did. He was like, yeah. You said if you. Me and you both had six beers, that you think you had a chance of beating me up. And I was like, I don't remember saying that. I must have been drunk. He's like, well, I'm five beers in. I got one more beer. Let's see what happens. And you're like, okay, I need to leave right now, Dana. How do I get out of this place?

[Unknown Host]

Maybe that's what happened to Tracy Morgan last night. He just faked throw up and got out of the arena. That's what I do. CB Dalloway. Did that to me once. I used to train at a gym with Ryan Bader, and CB Dalloway was an MMA fighter, and I made fun of him for being, like, a little bit unstable. Like, it always felt like a trip to Mexico. As a human being, like, you're fun, but something bad's gonna happen. And I said it on the air. And then I went in, and he looked at me. He goes, hey, bro, you got a big mouth. I'm like, what? And he said, I heard what you were saying. We can take it in the ring. And I'm like, I think it's illegal for you to. I'm going home. And I was, like, immediately scared to death. And then I realized what you're saying.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's our job. It's our job. Job to talk trash? Yeah, it's our job. I talk trash about. I used to say this about fighters. I was like. Because I always thought. And I. And I learned the hard way that, like, not all fighters have a sense of humor.

[Unknown Host]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, not all fighters are like, it's a podcast. He's just talking wild. I'm sure he's a fan. Some of them are like, okay, let's see what you can do. And you're like, oh, man, I'm just messing around. Like, I'm just. And then I realized, don't say anything. Don't say anything bad about anyone. And just. And keep your mouth shut.

[Unknown Host]

Keep.

[Bert Kreischer]

Your silence is so valuable. Your silence is so valuable.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah, just be nice to all MMA fighters. They're. They got screws loose anyway, and if you start bashing them, they will want to fight. Just regular people. It's like, when you make fun of a girl athlete, they want to strike you out and stuff.

[Bert Kreischer]

Give. Give that guy's. Get. Send that guy email, and then give him two tickets to my show in. In Arizona. And. And be like. And be like, hey, man, first. Really sorry. Whatever he did, he wants to make it up to you. Here's two tickets.

[Unknown Host]

Backstage, barbecue, all that.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then give him the fake ones. So he gets dressed up, he gets a date, and he gets all the way to the venue. And they're like, yeah, I'm sorry. These aren't real tickets. And he's like, bert's Spill me.

[Unknown Host]

And you'll just hear it outside the arena from your dressing room. Crystal, I want this. All right. We're gonna make it happen. It'll happen. You've got your special out tonight. It's out for everybody on Netflix. It's called Lucky. You can pick that up at Netflix if you've got it. And watch Bert Kreischer. It'll make you laugh the whole time. Plus, Bertbertbert.com is where you get tickets to Desert diamond arena and Glendale and all the other stuff you offer. And it's B, E, R, T, right? Yeah, that's right. Yeah. I'm looking at the. I was looking at the wrong thing. Bert, Bert, Bert. So there you go. What else do you have to tell us before you go? Because you're gonna. You gotta go now.

[Bert Kreischer]

I got sexy. I'll send you a picture of me and my new underwear. Brady and I think you'll want to get a pair.

[Unknown Host]

Can't wait. All right, we'll let it tease us. Bert, always a pleasure, man. Thanks for joining us.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, I love you guys to death. I've always had a great time with you guys.

[Unknown Host]

Thank you, man. We appreciate you so much. See you later, Bert. Have a great day, man. Bert Kreischer, everybody. How about that on our break? Nice job. We'll get that together. Glorious. And we'll say he was brought to you by Action Ride Shop.

[Dick Toledo]

And I didn't want to bring it up, but. But his big concert Their. Their 5K. The Two Bears and Jelly Roll. 5K. It's Country Thunder in Tampa that weekend.

[Unknown Host]

Oh, it is.

[Dick Toledo]

So that Sunday night is the closer of Country Thunder and they're part of it.

[Unknown Host]

Oh, no kidding.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Unknown Host]

So he does know about Reese. Hard powerlifting. Because it's Country Thunder Brooks. Yeah, that makes sense. Get in trouble. Well, there you go. Jelly Roll is Garth Brooks. What? I would like to see that, too. Anyway, if you want to go there. And to the guy who hated him. I don't know why Burke was someone you don't like, but has he ever been mean, ever? Well, no, he's just like. He's like you. You're just being nice. We both know it's not funny. As soon as he calls, I'm checking out. I'll wait 20 minutes and come back, man. He hasn't been on the show enough to anger. Oh, we've had Bert on like maybe eight or nine times in the whole time we've been.

[Dick Toledo]

It was compressed over the course of a couple years. He was on a lot.

[Unknown Host]

He was here a few times, but okay. I mean, teach their own. You don't like with Thresher. That's fine. I always. I always marvel at the idea that you have to tell me. Not listening. Like, okay.

[Dick Toledo]

He and Donnell would change their schedule to do the MILF contest.

[Unknown Host]

I know they wanted to be part of that. Gosh, you know, I've talked about bringing it back, but all of the girls that like, he said, like, they'd all be like 50 now.

[Dick Toledo]

Can we do it at an outside venue?

[Unknown Host]

So we've gotten to the point in the age of this show that we could actually have the MILF's kids be the milk. We had. We did, remember? Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

We could have a guilt contest with.

[Unknown Host]

No, we can't. Former winners. No. Former winners. You do that at home. I'm out. No, I think we know, sir.

[Dick Toledo]

Four grandmothers that are fantastic.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah. By the way, go yourself. It's 7:23. Action Ride Shop helped us out this morning with a wake up song, but that got interrupted for Bert Kreischer, so. And. And Josh is so nice. I forgot my bike. He was gonna pick it up today. Yeah, I forgot to put it on the back of my Jeep, idiot. And he's like, well, just give me your garage code. And I'm like, okay. Of all people, you can definitely trust, I can trust him. But it's like, well, I don't want him to get shot by my gay neighbors with some sort of flaming bow and arrow when they see Josh go into my garage.

[Bert Kreischer]

You've got your security.

[Unknown Host]

Yeah, I got the cameras.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, what a viral video.

[Unknown Host]

If he gets killed. Yeah, I don't want that. So I'm just gonna leave the flaming arrows flying across the yard. Hey, hey. That's what the arrows soar through the air going, hi. Anyway, thanks to Burt Kreischer. That's fun. October. It sounds like a crazy thing to say in March, but October is. He'll be here. It'll be here before you know it. And those tickets, I just looked. They're available. They're going quick, so grab them. That's enough of that. At 7:24, what do you have to wake up song Gets that together, right? Not tons of is brought to you by Action Ride Shop. And Josh will come to your house and pick up your bike too. I don't know. Will he do that? I don't know. He did it because I'm an idiot. I meant to bring it last week, and then he said, hey, I'm in your area. And just because I know him, it wasn't like a service he provides, but it was a nice thing to do. And then I'm stupid enough to, like, put the bike rack on my Jeep and I forget to put the bike on it.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right.

[Unknown Host]

On the list, we got Avenged, Sevenfold, Soil Shined Down, Disturbed Seven, Dust Ministry, Dope, Electric Callboy, Pump it for Bert's birthday. Is it Jerry Cantrell's birthday? Well, we could do Alison Chains if you want. Let's do that.

[Bert Kreischer]

What song?

[Unknown Host]

First thing came to mind was Damn that River. I don't know why. What else? Again. Again. Again's great. Damn it. So many. I don't know. Put in a couple Toledo. A couple of them will wander around the Jerry Cantrell world. He was just here, wasn't he? He just did, yeah. With Filter at the Nile in Mesa. Yeah. Which I wasn't. I don't know why I didn't go. I think I had something going on that night, but I wanted to go. I just didn't want to drive all the way over there just in case. And plus, I think he was doing all of his new stuff. I don't know what it was. Well, then he was here with Bush and Candlebox, too, before that. Right. All right. Well, we had the Elaine Look Alike on stage. Yeah. A girl, that same lawyer girl that was with her farting husband last night was talking to me, and she said that she was going to go see Beyonce. Beyonce is her, like, her spirit animal. Like, she loves Beyonce. And I said, beyonce's pants are too big. That's the one thing I don't like about Beyonce. She wears those granny panties. I don't find her, like, she's very sexy, but she wears granny paint. So does Taylor Swift. And then she said, asked me last night, she goes, who's yours musically? Who's your. Like, my Beyonce is the. The greatest thing. And so who's yours? And I'm like, geez, I'd have to think about that. Fart voice. Yeah, fart voice. Answer my question. And I had to tell her. I said, you know what? The first thing that kept popping in my mind was the guys in Alice in Chains, which was Jerry and Lane, like, and Chris Cornell. Those were the three kind of, in my wheelhouse moments of this was the probably biggest influence musically on me. And I took somebody asking me yesterday to kind of realize, that's the one. I lean on them. I love them. I knew that. But those are the three that came to mind immediately. So. Happy birthday to Jerry Cantrell. Maybe it was just in the air. We'll do a double up on him. It's Allison chains again. It's 98 KUPD.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fee.

[Unknown Host]

I have heard enough of this for upday.