04-24-25 - Chris Porter - Tempe Improv - In Studio

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona Episode: April 24, 2025 - Chris Porter at Tempe Improv - In Studio

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Released on April 24, 2025, Holmberg's Morning Sickness on 98 KUPD welcomed comedian Chris Porter to the studio at Tempe Improv. Hosted by John Holmberg, the episode was filled with sharp humor, candid conversations, and engaging banter between Holmberg and Porter, providing listeners with an entertaining morning experience.

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Introduction and Initial Banter

The episode kicks off with John Holmberg introducing Chris Porter, setting the stage for a lively interaction. Their conversation quickly delves into a humorous anecdote about Porter being accused by "an agent of Satan himself."

• [01:45] Chris Porter: "You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself."
• [02:06] Chris Porter: "I know an aids leisure when I see it."

Holmberg and Porter playfully argue about the severity and implications of Porter's supposed ailment, showcasing their comedic chemistry and setting a lighthearted tone for the episode.

Upcoming Performances and Comedy Insights

A significant portion of the discussion centers around Chris Porter's upcoming shows at Tempe Improv and Stand Up Live. Porter shares his excitement and strategies for his performances, offering listeners a glimpse into his comedic process.

• [02:23] John Holmberg: "At the Tempe Improv this weekend, Tonight through Sunday, if you want to go."
• [10:49] Chris Porter: "Tonight you're not even doing comedy. You're just going to show the draft and make fun of the Raiders."

Porter discusses his plans to incorporate current events, such as the NFL draft, into his sets, emphasizing his ability to blend timely topics with humor.

Humorous Discussion on Relationships and Personal Life

Holmberg and Porter delve into personal territory, sharing jokes and stories about relationships, breakups, and the challenges of dating in their respective stages of life. Their candidness adds depth to the conversation, resonating with listeners who appreciate genuine dialogue mixed with humor.

• [19:57] Chris Porter: "She was not ready to date someone. Yeah. She was still angry at someone that wasn't me."
• [20:18] Chris Porter: "No, she hit me."

The duo humorously navigates the complexities of relationships, with Porter sharing his recent breakup and Holmberg offering his own perspectives on moving forward after a split.

Football Fandom and Team Rivalries

No Arizona morning show would be complete without a touch of sports, and Holmberg's Morning Sickness delivers just that. Holmberg and Porter engage in a spirited discussion about their favorite football teams, expressing their support for the Chiefs while humorously critiquing rival teams like the Raiders and Broncos.

• [22:11] Chris Porter: "And go Chiefs."
• [23:05] Chris Porter: "Your Chiefs are on the end of the dynamite dynasty."
• [22:25] Chris Porter: "We have solved the world's problems with the quarterback."

Their banter highlights the passionate fandom surrounding the Chiefs, blending sports talk seamlessly with their comedic flair.

Aging, Health, and Light-Hearted Self-Deprecation

As the conversation progresses, the hosts touch upon themes of aging and health, using self-deprecating humor to discuss the inevitable changes that come with time. Porter shares his experiences with alcohol tolerance, while Holmberg jokes about aging-related challenges.

• [16:34] John Holmberg: "I'm 52."
• [17:10] Chris Porter: "I think that might be a side effect of the AIDS."
• [17:36] Chris Porter: "That's how great I am. That's how funny I am."

Their witty remarks about getting older resonate with listeners who relate to the humorous side of aging.

Closing Remarks and Words of Wisdom

In the final segment, Chris Porter offers heartfelt advice, emphasizing the importance of surrounding oneself with positive influences and fixing the world to the best of one's ability.

• [22:02] Chris Porter: "Surround yourself with people that make you feel good."

Holmberg echoes this sentiment, reinforcing the episode's themes of personal growth and positivity.

Concluding Highlights

Throughout the episode, John Holmberg and Chris Porter maintain a balance of humor and relatable topics, making for an engaging and entertaining morning listen. Their dynamic interaction, punctuated with memorable quotes and candid discussions, showcases the essence of Holmberg's Morning Sickness as Arizona's premier morning radio show.

Notable Quotes:

• Chris Porter [01:45]: "You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself."
• Chris Porter [19:57]: "She was not ready to date someone. Yeah. She was still angry at someone that wasn't me."
• Chris Porter [22:02]: "Surround yourself with people that make you feel good."

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For more engaging conversations and the latest on Arizona's comedy scene, tune in to Holmberg's Morning Sickness on 98 KUPD weekdays from 5:30 AM to 10:00 AM or visit 98KUPD.com.

Transcript

[John Holmberg]

You're listening to the HMS podcast brought to you by MMP Guns.com, your most.

[Chris Porter]

Trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories.

[Dick Toledo]

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[Larry McFeely]

In full swing now, and summer is right around the corner. Hey, it's Larry McFeely. And there's no better time to hit the trails, the lakes and those wide open desert roads in a brand new Toyota. Whether you're hauling gear to Roosevelt Lake in the powerful Toyota Tundra, navigating rocky trails in the rugged Tacoma, or exploring Sedona in The all new 4Runner, Toyota's got the muscle and comfort to match your most excellent adventures. Head to your Valley Toyota dealer or Valley Toyota Dealer Dealers.com today and gear up for summer in a ride that's built for the heat and the adventures. Summer starts here. Toyota. Let's go places.

[John Holmberg]

It's John Holmberg here from the morning sickness for lifechangerloan.com I got this email. Dearest Holmberg, I don't have $10 million in my house or a ridiculous amount of money in the bank. And I'm sure when you're talking about Life Changer loan, you're not talking about people like me. So before I even think about it, can you enlighten me? It's not a rich person's money scheme that excludes normal people. Actually, you're going to end up paying off your mortgage in about five years and save on average about 250,000 dol. $50,000 in interest. Find out how for yourself. Schedule a [e-mail] it's not magic. It's just math. Converse Morning sickness.

[Chris Porter]

You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself.

[Mo]

He's evil sitting right here.

[John Holmberg]

Come on. No, no, he's not. He's not evil. He's just a bit rude. 98 to you, P. T. Chris porter's here. He's already diagnosed what's on my ass. We'll get to that in a second. And he's over at 10pm proud this weekend if you want to go. He popped it. Yeah, he gave it. You're the first person that I took a reach for it. These boys won't even help me out.

[Chris Porter]

I know an aids leisure when I see it.

[John Holmberg]

That's what everybody keeps saying. And that scares me that you do.

[Chris Porter]

Yeah. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Well, it might be worse that you're familiar with aids lesion.

[Chris Porter]

I do a lot of charity work with. Dude, take a look. Take a look. I'm like, that's it. You got it.

[John Holmberg]

Definitely that. At the tempe improv this weekend, Tonight through Sunday, if you want to go. Tempimprov.com Chris Porter's back and ready to go. And we're talking draft. We're talking all this other stuff. Do you want to watch a video real fast? Because you already said what was on my ass was something. You weren't sure.

[Chris Porter]

I mean, you didn't even give me a choice. You were like, hey, look at this.

[John Holmberg]

No, we talked the whole time.

[Chris Porter]

I'm like, this is a bit. He did drop his pants. We were quick.

[John Holmberg]

Look, I'm concerned.

[Chris Porter]

He hadn't even said hello.

[John Holmberg]

I do.

[Chris Porter]

I walked in the studio to a butt.

[John Holmberg]

What do you think they said?

[Chris Porter]

Look at this. You know what this is?

[John Holmberg]

Help me. I'm like those homeless guys that run up to go, help me. I'm covered in leeches. Like, I have something wrong on my ass, and I want anybody. Brad. Neither of you. You said Brad just sat quietly. Like, big deal.

[Chris Porter]

Yeah. Brad's like, I don't want to be the one to tell him.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you don't want to be the bear.

[Chris Porter]

He's whole now.

[John Holmberg]

Wouldn't that be a great way to die?

[Chris Porter]

I'm only here once a year. Brad's got to come in every week, right.

[John Holmberg]

He's going to see it grow.

[Chris Porter]

And he's like, he's going to be. Oh, look, it's the guy that told me I had aids again.

[John Holmberg]

Brad has to deal with this and prep the comedians on the drive in every. He's going to show you his ass. I can't stop.

[Chris Porter]

Well, Brad met me here this time.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, okay. So he.

[Chris Porter]

He. I didn't even have time for a warning. He was just like, hey, man, by the o. Oh, there it is. Too late.

[John Holmberg]

If you die of anything, though, the Thing on your ass is the funniest way to go down, right?

[Chris Porter]

Yeah. Yeah. Although, you know, you don't want them laughing at your funeral.

[John Holmberg]

Sure you do.

[Chris Porter]

I mean, maybe at the end where there's, like, a montage if you're doing.

[John Holmberg]

Stupid stuff, but I do have to put that together.

[Chris Porter]

We. I'm in a music league. It's this weird app where, like, basically you and your friends get together, and there's different categories, and you submit songs and. And then you don't know who submitted the songs, and you vote, and then whoever gets the most votes wins that round.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Chris Porter]

And there is one coming up where it's songs to play at your funeral. And I'm really. I'm fighting with it because part of me wants to be real and another part of me wants to play Buster Poindexter's Hot, Hot, Hot just because I think that would be funny.

[John Holmberg]

It would be even funnier if you.

[Chris Porter]

If you die in a positive way.

[John Holmberg]

It depends on how you die. If you in, like, a house fire. Oh, well, that's hilarious.

[Chris Porter]

But also, it means you're going to hell. The first one is Be sold on Fire Hell.

[John Holmberg]

That's true. I'm not familiar enough with the Poindexter catalog to know the lyrics.

[Chris Porter]

You lost him in New York once. He left the doll. Yeah, once, man. He sold out once.

[John Holmberg]

He did. Car 54, where are you? I'm like, this guy is. We're done with you, Johansson. He just died or. Yeah, he just passed away a little bit ago. Buster Poindexter. Yeah. I wonder.

[Chris Porter]

Got something on his butt.

[John Holmberg]

I wonder if they played that at his funeral.

[Chris Porter]

My body's feeling hot, hot, hot.

[John Holmberg]

Do you play it if you were known for it at the funeral? Like, will Lou Bega have Mambo number five, like, happily blowing through God, I hope so. Me too.

[Chris Porter]

I just want. They're sad and they're all crying, and then it's just. Mambo number five is just. Blair, like, the juxtaposition we'll never forget you feeling.

[John Holmberg]

What's your serious one? What did you. What do you think you would choose for that?

[Chris Porter]

There's a Black Crow song called Whoa, Mule, but I don't know that one part of me wants to just play Free Bird and make him sit through seven minutes. And then, like, part of the thing will be like, if my sister says anything during the guitar solo, it starts over. My sister has this innate ability to call or text when I'm in the middle of my favorite song in the car.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Chris Porter]

And My car. I can't turn off the notification, so I'll just. It'll be. Andy says, what up, dude? My sister's also the person that can't text. She couldn't. She never goes, am I done? Before she hits send.

[John Holmberg]

So it's just bing, bing, bang, bang. Three words at a time. Yeah.

[Chris Porter]

Finally, I'll just text her. I'm like, you just ruined my favorite song.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Chris Porter]

She was like, I don't care. But also, you should see on this thing on my ass. I think it's aids.

[John Holmberg]

Let me see your sister's ass real quick. I'm gonna do a cut.

[Chris Porter]

You can see it from here.

[John Holmberg]

But she is from Kansas City as well.

[Chris Porter]

She is from Kansas City.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. I was just in Kansas City last September, and. Yeah.

[Chris Porter]

How was it?

[John Holmberg]

Big.

[Chris Porter]

It's big.

[John Holmberg]

And the one thing I kept telling people, because I would ask people, like, what is. What is there to do? We don't. We're downtown. Like, what do you do? I was literally eating when I asked the waiter, what is there to do here? And he goes, barbecue. And I'm like, I'm eating already.

[Chris Porter]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

I don't need to leave here. I'm asking you, what do I do after this? And he told me, go get some barbecue. You eat more.

[Chris Porter]

Welcome to Kansas City.

[John Holmberg]

All they did.

[Chris Porter]

What do you do when we get done eating? We eat some more.

[John Holmberg]

We go to the other barbecue place.

[Chris Porter]

The other barbecue place. What's next?

[John Holmberg]

And then they said, there's jazz. And I'm like, okay. And there's some good barbecue around there.

[Chris Porter]

Go to, like, some sort of special needs restaurant where they go.

[John Holmberg]

Nobody answered any questions. The only thing I would suggest, the only thing they suggested to do in Kansas City was this jazz club and then a barbecue, and I was already going to a Royals game.

[Chris Porter]

Were you at a Chili's?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, of course I was. I was in the finest restaurant. They offered the best place in case.

[Chris Porter]

The good one.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. The clean one.

[Chris Porter]

Oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

That is the power and light one. It was awesome. But, yeah, Kansas City disappointed me.

[Chris Porter]

Well, I'm sorry.

[John Holmberg]

Well, I don't blame you. You're not the chamber of commerce.

[Chris Porter]

I don't know what to tell you. I would have given you.

[John Holmberg]

What would you have suggested? Because there's. All I wanted to do is repave the goddamn sidewalks.

[Chris Porter]

What is there to do in any city other than eat, drink, and be merry?

[John Holmberg]

Well, Vegas has some stuff.

[Chris Porter]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And I mean, you know, I know that's a bad comp, but, like, even.

[Chris Porter]

If you Go to New York. It's like you go to the restaurants.

[John Holmberg]

You go drink museum or something, I guess. I don't know.

[Chris Porter]

If you want to go see. We got a museum.

[John Holmberg]

What is it?

[Chris Porter]

It's. It's white supremacy. But it's fine. It's fine.

[John Holmberg]

Well, that was after the convention I was speaking at that. I can't. I can't. I can't walk through the throngs of fans.

[Chris Porter]

No, we have a good art museum.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Chris Porter]

And the Negro League Museum, that's one.

[John Holmberg]

Thing I'd forgotten about. I was with a black guy and he didn't even suggest that. Well, like, that's his fault, right?

[Chris Porter]

He didn't want.

[John Holmberg]

He should have researched that. His algorithm should have called that.

[Chris Porter]

To be on record agreeing with any of this.

[John Holmberg]

You brought up white supremacy?

[Chris Porter]

Yeah, as a joke.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I see. I. I'm sorry.

[Chris Porter]

This is hilarious.

[John Holmberg]

I misread that.

[Chris Porter]

So out there and crazy, and you're like, that's why I was there.

[John Holmberg]

I thought we just. I thought we totally just went in sync there for a second.

[Chris Porter]

I apologize there for our J6 reunion.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, no, he should have done that. We talked about it later. I'm like, you of all people should have had that pop up on your phone as an alert that you were close to it.

[Chris Porter]

So you think black people have some sort of different Google?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, Obama phones, I think.

[Chris Porter]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

They're out there. Chris, please. Have you been in a coma, man?

[Chris Porter]

Where have you been? Oh, man, you can really tell the stations that play a lot of stained, can't you? You can tell the stations that aren't worried about ethnicities at all.

[John Holmberg]

We have songs that literally have lyrics that, what was the violent pornography, choking chicks in sodomy. So if I say anything bad, I'm.

[Chris Porter]

Just like, that's one of the hits. Well, here's some kmdm.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, we've got smash hits that talk about killing people. I don't think what I say is really that bad. Oh, Jesus Christ. Whoa. The computer's mad at all. I apologize that. That was a malfunction by our racist computer. Chris porter's at the 10pm prompt. Tonight, tomorrow, Saturday. And so you're doing the whole thing, man.

[Chris Porter]

Yeah, they got me doing Sunday.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I see the. And Thursday.

[Chris Porter]

And Thursday. Yeah. It's a lot.

[John Holmberg]

You're bigger than this.

[Chris Porter]

I know. Apparently not.

[John Holmberg]

What are we doing?

[Chris Porter]

They thought I was going to sell a lot of tickets.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, they have you like they're milking you here. I hope to God you they must.

[Chris Porter]

Know I have Friends here. Yeah, he's comfortable. He's in that big house.

[John Holmberg]

He'll do Thursday and Sunday.

[Chris Porter]

You know what? To be honest with you, I'm fine with it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Chris Porter]

If there is one city I'm going to do a bunch of days in April.

[John Holmberg]

This is a good one. You like it here.

[Chris Porter]

And then I go play. I'm playing golf Saturday and Sunday.

[John Holmberg]

Glorious.

[Chris Porter]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And tonight you're not even doing comedy. You're just going to show the draft.

[Chris Porter]

Yeah, yeah, we're just going to show the draft and make fun of the Raiders.

[John Holmberg]

And how do you feel about Shannon Sharp situation?

[Chris Porter]

I don't. I'm not aware of it.

[John Holmberg]

You're not. Oh, he's going to lose everything. He evidently has been. A girl has accused him of sex, that she like, abusive sex. And now they're both fighting back and forth with, like, old audio, like, calls. She's been taping his calls, and he's been saying he was going to choke her and stuff.

[Chris Porter]

Yeah. As they were making plans.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Well, see, now there's the problem. I'm kind of in team Shannon here because she's very much into, like, she said something about his baby gravy putting a black baby in her and then later said, I don't think I want.

[Chris Porter]

Look, man, it's not necessarily my thing. I know some people that are into some rough intercourse and you blur the lines a little bit.

[John Holmberg]

Brad Williams, you're talking about. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Chris Porter]

No, he'll. He'll smack you right down, right in the stomach. So I don't. You know, it's hard. I don't know anything about it, but that. That sucks for Shannon.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. I think I'm putting someone.

[Chris Porter]

You know, the other thing that does. The real thing, you have to text to Shannon because you can't understand.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm gonna choke you. Like, would you type that out for me? As a Chiefs, though, watching a Bronco fault.

[Chris Porter]

Not as bad as. Not as good as seeing a Raider.

[John Holmberg]

A Raider falls is more than a.

[Chris Porter]

See the Broncos. We hate them, but we respect them.

[John Holmberg]

Raiders, you do not respect.

[Chris Porter]

We do not. We're just like our felons. And there's a reason ankle bracelets are black and it's so they can match your jersey.

[John Holmberg]

That's probably somewhat true.

[Chris Porter]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And. But now they're in Vegas, so they're soft and babies and it's kind of fun to watch them flounder. Right.

[Chris Porter]

It's not bad.

[John Holmberg]

I don't.

[Chris Porter]

I don't hate it. I liked it. A little better when you guys were good.

[John Holmberg]

You guys don't point me. I'm no Raiders fan. I'm a Steelers fan.

[Chris Porter]

Oh, you're a Steelers.

[John Holmberg]

You don't like us?

[Chris Porter]

Oh, you're even.

[John Holmberg]

No, we're not. Stop that. So lost.

[Larry McFeely]

It's Larry mcfailey. And whether you're tearing up desert trails in a Tacoma, towing your toys with a tough tundra, or exploring the back roads in the all new 4Runner, your Toyota is built to go the distance. Now, obviously our roads are weather can be brutal. That's why keeping your Toyota in top shape is key. Trust only genuine Toyota technicians with genuine Toyota parts. From oil changes to full checkups, your valley Toyota dealer has got you covered. So before you hit the trail, hit the service bay, visit your valleytoyotadealer or valleytoyotadealers.com Summer starts here. Toyota. Let's go places.

[Mo]

Alright, HMS podcast time again. It'll let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week. Get up north to Desert Ridge to see comedy sets from Leo Gonzalez and Tempe at the Improv. You've got Randy Felt Face performing. Just Google it. And you're gonna have to go see for yourself on that one. And downtown at Stand Up Live, the very funny Gary Owen entertains you all this week. For the complete lineups and for tickets, go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com and tempeimprov.com Holmberg's morning sickness?

[Chris Porter]

No idea.

[John Holmberg]

In the forest right now. I agree completely.

[Chris Porter]

Who's your quarterback?

[John Holmberg]

Yes, exactly.

[Chris Porter]

Exactly. You're gonna sign Rogers, a guy a couple years old.

[John Holmberg]

You.

[Chris Porter]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

He's going to be our quarterback next.

[Chris Porter]

And he's going to be high on.

[John Holmberg]

Ayahuasca, which I don't mind.

[Chris Porter]

And he's going to throw it into the audience and say be free throwing ropes into the dimes.

[John Holmberg]

I wonder if he says that you're free fly each football that he throws. Yeah, it's not good in Pittsburgh. But we're not the Raiders.

[Chris Porter]

No.

[John Holmberg]

And we're not the Ravens because my. My Raiders are the Ravens and I wouldn't mind a tragedy striking the entire town of Baltimore. Baltimore? Really?

[Chris Porter]

Wow.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's.

[Chris Porter]

Well, you know, it already did. It's the bridge. Yeah, but man, they fixed that quick.

[John Holmberg]

It's not really fixed. They just kind of cleaned it up and no one noticed really, because it's. Most of Baltimore looks like a bridge that collapsed. So it's kind of.

[Chris Porter]

Man, did you And Baltimore date.

[John Holmberg]

Like, what happened? No, she owes me money. Baltimore's a dump. And we know that. And I just don't like anything about the Harbaughs. And, you know, it just gets really. Like everything they do seems to be out of central casting to hate them more.

[Chris Porter]

All right. I think you just have a lot of hate in your heart.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, tons.

[Chris Porter]

Okay.

[John Holmberg]

It keeps the world ticking, man. Absolutely. You see, I've got AIDS from a spider. You think I'm happy being here?

[Chris Porter]

I mean, that's. That's living in Arizona. This city, this state is. Is actively trying to kill you.

[John Holmberg]

We don't have a lot of bugs, but the ones we have.

[Chris Porter]

Yeah. Are serious.

[John Holmberg]

They're ready.

[Chris Porter]

And the twink spider that bit you.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Went right in the ass. Can't blame him.

[Chris Porter]

But he went, man, you got a nice donk.

[John Holmberg]

Thanks, man.

[Chris Porter]

Especially now that it's got a weird mountain.

[John Holmberg]

Well, if you look at it real close, it looks like an areola.

[Chris Porter]

It looks like one of those old globes that had the mountains that would actually feel. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, it's got.

[Chris Porter]

Feel the Rockies. They're not. It's a little bit taller than the Appalachians.

[John Holmberg]

Chris Porter's here. He's at the 10pm Prov all weekend long. What is going on in your world? We don't know. We're talking about my ass so much.

[Chris Porter]

I haven't now.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. How old are you?

[Chris Porter]

I'm 46. I didn't know I was old. And then I drove by my favorite music venue and looked at the upcoming acts and went, huh. Nope. Haven't heard of any of those people. I think that's a cologne. I'm going to see Drakar Noir next weekend, see how they're doing. It's a cover band. I'm at the age now where things that used to be fun are not fun. Like shots of liquor.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah.

[Chris Porter]

I used to love shots. Yeah, I'd have them line. You know, because I had shows. Yeah. I'd show up late to the party and I'd just have them line them up. It's the guy. I'm a dragon. And now I had two beers and a shot three weeks ago and I am still recovering. Have you ever woken up mad at your own body for being a wuss? Like, you just wake up and you're like, two beers. What happened to you? Yeah, you're like this. Two beers and a shot, I can't have breakfast. That's fair. I thought. I thought we had an agreement.

[John Holmberg]

Here's something else. Of being 46. I'm 52.

[Chris Porter]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

One thing nobody ever told me at age 45, you are incapable now of knowing when you're done urinating. There's about 40 seconds after you think you're done urinating where you're like, we're not done at all. And you have to be patient. Have you noticed that?

[Chris Porter]

I think that might be a side effect of the aids.

[John Holmberg]

You have more dribbles.

[Chris Porter]

I know when I'm. I know when I'm done.

[John Holmberg]

I know. When your body says you're done, you put it back and you're like, I have the. You know, the illusions every once in a while. Yeah, that gets worse. Yeah.

[Chris Porter]

I'm just giving you the dripping. I just tie a rubber band to the end of it.

[John Holmberg]

You cinch it up. That's smart. Yeah.

[Chris Porter]

Hurts like the dickens.

[John Holmberg]

That's a good pun. Very poetic, Chris.

[Chris Porter]

That's how great I am. That's how funny I am. I don't even know when it's happening.

[John Holmberg]

I actually. Because I'm tired of this situation, and I don't like wearing underwear. You saw that. That. I want to invent a thing that's just like a sock that goes over like a catch all.

[Chris Porter]

They have one of those. They're called socks.

[John Holmberg]

Well, no, Like, I don't like wearing.

[Chris Porter]

Even if you design socks, something specifically for that. When you were done with the R and D process, you were like, oh, we made a sock. We made a sock.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, but a dick sock just carry.

[Chris Porter]

A pocket full of cotton balls.

[John Holmberg]

I am now impressed by what you're saying. Like a sock on me is.

[Chris Porter]

Yeah, maybe you get an athletic.

[John Holmberg]

I got to get a child sock. And that's just weird.

[Chris Porter]

Just get one of those low no show socks falling into my daddy socks.

[John Holmberg]

Even still without an erection, that's going to be baggy.

[Chris Porter]

Well, Matt, I. You know, this sounds like a lot. This is starting to sound like something like a therapist would need to discuss with you. But you got like. Your boy says child sucks.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's. I think that's probably where just get.

[Chris Porter]

The glove mitten or even cut the finger off or those little shoes that they buy dogs for when it's hot out. Dog paws.

[John Holmberg]

You know what? That's probably the best one. Although that would gather. And then I just carry around a.

[Chris Porter]

Shotgun glass, and then you could see who could drink it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Okay. You know what?

[Chris Porter]

Tickets to stain. Be the 47th caller and drink my juice.

[John Holmberg]

It could happen. Anyway. Yeah. I asked you how you're doing, and suddenly it turned into me again.

[Chris Porter]

You know, I have a feeling that's why you're single.

[John Holmberg]

Not.

[Chris Porter]

You're not.

[John Holmberg]

Of course not. I've been married a few times.

[Chris Porter]

It's a good.

[John Holmberg]

You've been married A couple. A couple. A couple. We'll say a couple. Yeah.

[Chris Porter]

So there. I don't know how I make everything about me. But anyway. Anyway. Chicks won't stop talking.

[John Holmberg]

No. No. Are you married?

[Chris Porter]

No. I just went through a breakup. I was dating a hot girl. She was a rescue. And.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, she was. She was a surrender.

[Chris Porter]

I don't know if you've ever dated someone right after they got out of a bad relationship. A rebounder. It is pretty easy. You just be a good person and do the things you say you're gonna do, and they're just.

[John Holmberg]

Just don't be that guy.

[Chris Porter]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Chris Porter]

Show up and don't hit him. And you're the best.

[John Holmberg]

It's pretty easy. And yet she's still gone.

[Chris Porter]

I did that joke in Alabama. They got nothing. They were like, how are they gonna learn? And.

[John Holmberg]

That'S bad advice there. But she left anyway. I left. So you hit her or you were thinking about it?

[Chris Porter]

No, she hit me.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, is that right? Did you take one?

[Chris Porter]

Yeah, right in the face. Are we still doing bits? I thought we were doing bits.

[John Holmberg]

None of these have been bits. This is. It's just fun.

[Chris Porter]

We've really ridden the fence here.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. So she. But you broke up with her because. She's just intolerable. She deserved it, is what you're saying. The last guy was right.

[Chris Porter]

She was not ready to date someone. Yeah. She was still angry at someone that wasn't me.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, okay. So there was a lot of stuff she carried into your life. Yeah. And you were perfect.

[Chris Porter]

Always.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's what I did. Yeah, it's perfect. That's a good way to look at a breakup.

[Chris Porter]

I don't know if you've looked at me.

[John Holmberg]

No, I know. Physically, there's no question.

[Chris Porter]

Yeah, there's no question.

[John Holmberg]

But I'm just saying, like, that's the best way to look at a breakup, was I did nothing wrong and I'm moving on. Learning zero. Yeah.

[Chris Porter]

Yeah. Especially if you want to get married again.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. You want to do that a second time. My first wife was in the World Trade Center.

[Chris Porter]

You know the best way to go through life? Learn nothing.

[John Holmberg]

Never ever take anything with you.

[Chris Porter]

Look back at him and go, I did that. And then do it again.

[John Holmberg]

The next one might appreciate it.

[Chris Porter]

The next one? Yeah. Maybe the other one just wants to talk about you, too.

[John Holmberg]

Some of them recognize discipline's important.

[Chris Porter]

Wow. The look on your face when you said that, I was like, am I watching Sons of Anarchy? Like, what is happening?

[John Holmberg]

Anyway, Chris, it's good to get to know you.

[Chris Porter]

They will learn to know you. They will learn now. When people are like, you know, Humber?

[John Holmberg]

I'm like, no, I don't know. I've never heard of him. I think he died of a spider bite.

[Chris Porter]

No, we dated for a while, but he's too perfect for me.

[John Holmberg]

Chris Porter. Orders at the 10pm Prov tonight through Sunday, 10pmprov.com leave us with words of wisdom, sir. Fix the world the best of your ability.

[Chris Porter]

Surround yourself with people that make you feel good.

[John Holmberg]

That's about as good as it gets. That's perfect advice.

[Chris Porter]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. There's nothing better than that.

[Chris Porter]

And go Chiefs.

[John Holmberg]

And, yeah, you guys have had your fun.

[Chris Porter]

We're gonna get at least two more.

[John Holmberg]

You think?

[Chris Porter]

Yeah. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

You can. Maybe one. I'll say. I definitely say maybe. You got Patrick Mahomes. You got. You've solved the world's problems with the quarterback.

[Chris Porter]

We have.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. So ye. You can't. You can't really have a bad team. So long as he's there.

[Chris Porter]

We can have a bad game. We saw that in February.

[John Holmberg]

You know, you got beat by a better team.

[Chris Porter]

We did.

[John Holmberg]

That's. Nothing wrong with that.

[Chris Porter]

I'll tell you what. And it was great. I had a Super bowl party, and everyone is gone by fourth quarter.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. They don't stick around.

[Chris Porter]

Dude. I was asleep by Sports Center.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it's not bad when you've won a few Super Bowls and then you lose one. You're like, oh, yeah, we got stuff.

[Chris Porter]

It was. It was. It was like, oh, well, I guess you can't win three.

[John Holmberg]

It is hard to do.

[Chris Porter]

It is hard, man. They were right.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. We'll do one next year. But the good news is for Chiefs fans, and the Chiefs themselves, is that next year. This year. A little chip on your shoulder because you got blasted in public.

[Chris Porter]

Oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

That's not good to do to a.

[Chris Porter]

Team like that, you know, is just.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah, that. That gets great. Players don't like getting embarrassed.

[Chris Porter]

No.

[John Holmberg]

So, I mean, I think he comes out. As long as they stay healthy, I think they can get another one. 2. You're starting to push it. Well, you're. See, there's some aging on that.

[Chris Porter]

We'll see. Maybe you should go back and think about the things that you've done and see if you can fix Yours.

[John Holmberg]

Well, don't get, don't get mad at my life because your Chiefs are on the end of the dynamite dynasty.

[Chris Porter]

They're not on the end of anything.

[John Holmberg]

Pretty close to the end. We went to a lot of Super Bowls. I'm saying that you can't keep going.

[Chris Porter]

And the fact that seven in a row, you're gonna.

[John Holmberg]

I mean, you gotta. You're at the end. You, you, you are in denial if you think that this is another six year run.

[Chris Porter]

I'm not saying it's another six. The idea that it's over is.

[John Holmberg]

I didn't say it's over. But you're at the end. 28 years old at the end. So you've gone to what, five or the last seven or something like that. Yeah. Ah, okay.

[Chris Porter]

And we won three.

[John Holmberg]

And if you can't go five of the next seven.

[Chris Porter]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

You only go to like two more. That's the end.

[Chris Porter]

Okay.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Chris Porter]

You know what you sound like? You know what? You sound like a really pissed off Steelers. I like, sucks. All the teams have to suck. The Steelers still aren't good anymore.

[John Holmberg]

The Eagles got to you. I'm just saying. And I respect the Chiefs. That's one of the weird dynasties that I've actually liked. Because there's no cheating.

[Chris Porter]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

No scandals.

[Chris Porter]

Not according to the Internet.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. They're. Well, the refs are involved, but that's every team that wins.

[Chris Porter]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And then, you know, they're a likable bunch.

[Chris Porter]

We are a likable bunch.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. It's not like a group of.

[Chris Porter]

And they got hot girlfriends.

[John Holmberg]

Well, some Taylor Swift. I don't get it. You know, she's Kansas City hot. And when I went there, I'm like, this is why.

[Chris Porter]

That's fair.

[John Holmberg]

This is why I'm there.

[Chris Porter]

You know what? I'm not even mad about that because I got no argument. I'm like, yeah, you're right.

[John Holmberg]

Because I look at her, I'm like, what? And then I went to Kansas City. I'm like, I get it.

[Chris Porter]

That's Miss America.

[John Holmberg]

Of course they're doing backflips over this. Anyway, it's good to see you, man.

[Chris Porter]

Chris Porter, everybody.

[John Holmberg]

It's night akupd.

[Chris Porter]

It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fees. I have heard enough of this.

[Mo]

All right, HMS Podcast, time again to let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week. Get up north to Desert Ridge to see comedy sets from Leo Gonzalez and Tempe at the Improv. You've got Randy Felt Face performing. Just google it and you're gonna have to go see for yourself on that one. And downtown at Standup Live, the very funny Gary Owen entertains you all this week. For the complete lineups and for tickets, go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com and tempeimprov.com from.

[Dick Toledo]

Monument Valley to Sedona, Horseshoe Bend, Grand Canyon, and more, you might think you've seen all Arizona has to offer. Well, I'd tell you if you haven't been fishing in Arizona, you haven't seen a thing. It's Dick Toledo from Homework's morning sickness. And my first time fishing in Arizona was up in Greer with my friend Jeremy. He was the pro that I'm definitely not, but grabbing a fishing license that weekend was the passport that opened up the whole state to me. And you can get your [e-mail] and discover for yourself a whole new way to take in the Arizona sites.

[Unknown]

Hey, what's up? It's Mo and my friends at the University of Advancing Technology has been ranked the number one best college for computer science for not one, but two years in a row. Which makes total sense because UAT are always on the lookout for those who don't just embrace technology, they live it. From advancing computer science and robotics to cybersecurity, gaming and artificial intelligence, UAT is where innovation thrives. So if you're ready to lead the next tech revolution, visit uat.edu mo and don't just study tech, live it.