06-05-25 - FULL SHOW - THURSDAY - Holmbergs Morning Sickness 98 KUPD

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona: Episode 06-05-25 Summary

Release Date: June 5, 2025

Hosts:

• John Holmberg (Host)
• Brady Bogen
• Brett Vesely
• Dick Toledo

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1. Opening Remarks and Advertisements

The show begins with brief advertisements for MMP Guns and Wise Coatings, setting the tone for the morning's content. John Holmberg then transitions to promoting local comedy acts, highlighting performances by Brian Simpson at Desert Ridge Improv and Christopher Titus at Stand Up Live.

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2. Personal Anecdotes and Health Scare

[02:40] John Holmberg shares a humorous yet concerning personal story about experiencing dizziness after consuming a tainted protein drink:

"After a day away yesterday from what I am convinced was poison, I'm watching the Tylenol documentary. Oh, it's brutal. It's crazy."
[03:49] Brett adds: "Had to just purge it out of your system."

Holmberg humorously recounts feeling unwell and contemplating driving while dizzy but ultimately decides to return home safely.

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3. Critique of Greta Thunberg

A significant portion of the episode centers around Greta Thunberg, whom Holmberg dubs the "Swedish doom goblin." The hosts engage in a spirited and often derogatory discussion about her environmental activism and recent sailing expedition to Palestine.

Notable Quotes:

• John Holmberg [04:16]:
  "I like her because someone on the Internet called her a Swedish doom goblin. From that moment on, I like I'm in on it."

• John Holmberg [06:04]:
  "She's going to solve thousands of years of strife in that region just because you're Greta Thunberg, the doom goblin."

The hosts mock her motivations, debating whether her actions stem from genuine concern or personal gain, and criticize her emotional displays:

"A crying woman is very rarely, like, everyone quiet and listen to the crying woman." (John Holmberg [16:34])

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4. Operation Hydration and Community Service

The show emphasizes their charitable initiative, Operation Hydration, aimed at collecting water donations for the Phoenix Rescue Mission. Brett Vesely is actively participating by stationed at 83rd Avenue and Camelback, encouraging listeners to donate bottles or envelopes with cash.

Quote:

• John Holmberg [41:42]:
  "Operation Hydration is happening. Brett will be out there this morning at the Safeway... donate a case of water to help out the Phoenix Rescue Mission."

The hosts stress the importance of community support, highlighting the mission's goal to reach a million bottles by Labor Day.

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5. Commentary on Local News and Safety Advice

Holmberg critiques local news segments, particularly focusing on a story about handling power poles falling on cars during storms. He ridicules the advice given, advocating instead for staying inside the vehicle regardless of circumstances.

Quote:

• John Holmberg [25:44]:
  "If a power pole falls on my car, I'm staying in that car because I'm already safe."

The hosts humorously dismiss traditional safety tips, suggesting that the situations described are either exaggerated or irrelevant to their listeners.

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6. Discussion on Defamation and Appearance Bias

A segment delves into the trial of Luigi Mangione, where Holmberg questions the fairness of unshackling a handsome accused individual. The conversation touches on societal biases where attractive individuals may receive more lenient treatment in the justice system.

Quote:

• John Holmberg [33:22]:
  "He looks so guilty. Like, we're like, well, he's handsome, so let's hear him out."

The hosts express frustration over perceived injustices, emphasizing that appearance should not influence legal outcomes.

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7. Debate on Gender and Emotional Expression

The hosts engage in a debate about emotional expression, particularly focusing on men and women crying. They argue that men show emotions differently and often dismiss crying as a sign of weakness, especially when unrelated to personal tragedies.

Quote:

• John Holmberg [14:04]:
  "I just can't listen to a crying woman. They're very rarely reasonable."

This discussion reflects the show's recurring theme of challenging societal norms and stereotypes.

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8. Humor and Anecdotal Stories

Throughout the episode, the hosts share various humorous anecdotes, including fictional scenarios, playful banter, and light-hearted jabs at each other. Topics range from fictional boat names honoring liberal figures to exaggerated tales of family history.

Example:

• John Holmberg [55:08]:
  "Hopefully, she's complaining. That's a little too globally warm for her at the beach."

These segments aim to entertain listeners with their spontaneous and irreverent humor.

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9. Closing Remarks and Promotions

As the show concludes, Holmberg reiterates the importance of Operation Hydration, encouraging final donations and highlighting upcoming community events. He also promotes the show's theme song and teases future episodes.

Quote:

• John Holmberg [42:21]:
  "Find out where Brett's going. It's Thursday, and that means Operation Hydration is back out there..."

The hosts end on a high note, blending humor with reminders of their charitable efforts.

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Conclusion:

Episode 06-05-25 of Holmberg's Morning Sickness offers a blend of humor, social commentary, and community engagement. The hosts passionately discuss topical issues, mock public figures, and promote their charitable initiatives, all while maintaining an entertaining and irreverent atmosphere. Notable segments include their critique of Greta Thunberg's activism, the promotion of Operation Hydration, and debates on emotional expression and societal biases.

Listeners can expect a lively mix of satire, personal stories, and calls to action, making this episode both entertaining and thought-provoking for those tuning in for the first time.

Transcript

[John Holmberg]

You're listening to the HMS podcast brought.

[Byron]

To you by mmpguns.com, your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories.

[Brady]

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[John Holmberg]

Time again to let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week. Check out hilarious comedian Brian Simpson and Tempe at the Improv. Doing sets for you, the lovely and very funny Gina. Brian entertains you at the Desert Ridge Improv. And very good friend of the show, the one and only Christopher Titus performs all week for you at Stand Up Live. For the complete lineups and for tickets, go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com and tempeimprov.com hey, Byron.

[Byron]

I was looking at mmpguns.com's website. You have everything and the prices are incredible.

[John Holmberg]

Yes, sir.

[Brett]

Mmpguns.com has over 400,000 products for sale daily. Everything from firearms, ammunition, accessories, optics, clothing, decoys and more.

[John Holmberg]

The best part is, if you see.

[Brett]

It on our website, it's in stock.

[Christopher Titus]

And ready to ship.

[Byron]

Wait, there's no backorders?

[John Holmberg]

Nope.

[Brett]

We work with all our distributors, so what you see on our site is what's actually available. We ship all over the country, so we're not just for Arizona anymore. If the firearm you want is legal in your state, we can get it to a dealer for you to pick up.

[John Holmberg]

Sounds simple.

[Byron]

That's why I always go to MMP guns dot com.

[John Holmberg]

You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself. He's evil. Sitting right here. Come on. No, no, he's not. He's not evil. He's just a bit rude. I put the wrong button in. I'm still a little dizzy. Good morning, everybody. I gotta play the better thing. It's just wrong. It's just I'm all screwed up. If that doesn't go my way. There it is. Get that out of here. It is 5:45. My name's John. There's Brady. There's Brett, there's Big Dick Toledo. After a day away yesterday from what I am convinced was poison, I'm watching the Tylenol documentary. Oh, it's brutal. It's crazy. And I remember that the Tylenol poisoning. I had a. I'm pretty sure I narrowed down what happened in the middle of the night two nights ago. You know, I'm up late, I'm doing my late thing, hanging around. Like, I'm kind of sleepy, but I just worked out a little bit. Drink a protein. Drink an organic protein. I love those things, and they're really good. This one was off. Like, I took a couple sips.

[Christopher Titus]

I'm like, ugh.

[John Holmberg]

And I shook it, thinking that there was some sort of mix in it. There's not. That's dumb. And I took another sip, and I'm like, no, this isn't right. And then I. What I do with that after? Chugged it. If I drink it real fast, all the poison goes past you. And then knocked out for an hour, woke up, started getting ready for work out on the freeway in the 51 and thought, I'm either gonna crap my pants or throw up all over this car. But the last thing I am today is hilarious. So I'm going home. It was not a good feeling to try to drive in. And for God's sakes, you never know, Brady. You know, you come in here a little dizzy, maybe, not feeling so great. Try to force yourself through it. Say the wrong thing, and you're getting a charge for it. Who knew? Brutal. So I. Yeah, I turned around, went home, and I felt fine. A couple hours later, I felt fine.

[Brett]

Had to just purge it out of your system.

[John Holmberg]

It was either that or as I was after I drank the tainted orgain protein drink, which, by the way, is not a shot at them. Orgain pro the man. Their protein drinks are so good, and they're really, like, healthy. You make your stomach feel right. Not this one. It was either that or watching too much of that Gerda Thunberg nonsense. I can't get enough of this broad.

[Brett]

She's still around the ocean, sailing around the world. Or.

[John Holmberg]

The reason why I like her now is because someone on the Internet, in a news story, called her a Swedish doom goblin. And from that moment on, I like I'm in on. Because if you think of her as a Swedish doom goblin, she gets funny. Like, everything she does. The Swedish doom goblin is up to it. And that, as a Swedish person, is my goal is to be known as something as cool as a Swedish doom goblin. A Lot of people have called me that. I'm a Swedish doom something. I'm goblins. I'm too tall to be a goblin. Six feet too tall for goblin. Barely. I mean, I think you could get some. I'd be like the Yao Ming of goblins at 5, 9, 5, 10. But 6ft's a little bit of a stretch. Swedish doom something is great, but Goblin's awesome. So I'm watching her row all the way to Goblin Gaza. She's doomed. Like, there's no. Like, there's no joy in that woman's life at all. And so I watched the special before I started getting sick. So it's either the orgain protein drink or it was too much visual. Greta Thunberg. Thunberglar, I call her. As the doom goblin started to float over. She's in a rowboat, a sailboat, all the way to Palestine. I don't know what she's gonna do when she gets.

[Brett]

Do you think she expects a crowd there?

[John Holmberg]

How arrogant. Do you have. Yeah. To, like, sail? Yeah, but you sail into Gaza. What is she, 23, 22? You sail into Gaza and you'd solve thousands of years of strife in that region just because you're Greta Thunberg, the doom goblin. I just don't understand. What is it?

[Brett]

They roll out a scroll and she just stamps it here, maybe.

[John Holmberg]

Stop crying. First off. Stop crying. You're. You're basically just a hysterical woman on a bad date. And your whole life has been that. Ever since I've seen this girl, she's just been hysterical. She's the girl that you date once she cries, and you're like, why are you crying? Like nothing happened. The waiter didn't bring this stuff. And then he looked at me, and I know he's looking at me and thought he saw this. And I'm like, what are you doing? You might be a tad dramatic. This is woman drama on steroids. I cannot.

[Brett]

I wonder. She never stops from abroad by doing this. It could potentially start the piece.

[John Holmberg]

You know, that's my point. Her arrogance is. She believes that she. There she is getting all sexy with her flag and everything, trying to, like, appeal to us. Like, she's dressed a little like a Billie Eilish video, and she's standing next to the Palestinian flag, which is, like, the least appealing thing to stand next to.

[Brett]

And wearing the. Is wearing the Israeli colors that.

[John Holmberg]

No, she's nothing about Israel right now. No, no. Okay.

[Brett]

I thought she has them both, though.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, no. She's going over there angry at Israel for The Palestinian thing. She's humanitarian rights in Gaza, and she's going to solve it. But I think even women look at her, because most of the time in a restaurant, when a woman starts crying, other women empathize and dudes just go, oh, that's my nightmare. I hate that, like, because we've all been for no reason at all with our girls, and they. They break down in tears. Like, what's going on? Like, he just didn't. I'm like, oh, boy, we're having a day, aren't we? But I think even women look at her and go, oh, now I know how dudes feel. This chick's all. This bitch is always crying.

[Byron]

That's when we all turn into snaggle puss.

[John Holmberg]

Exit stage left. All right, I'll give you one. But you cry every time we go. So they had a Seinfeld episode about it, about the girl who cries all the time you're out there. But Greta is. I gotta hand it to her. She's done absolutely nothing outside of just yell and cry and get some attention and shout it, like every generation. But she sticks to her guns. I don't know if anybody else considers it a political movement to have a beautiful sailboat go from the UK all the way to Gaza, but that sounds amazing. Most of the way. Then the. I mean, the destination sucks. But think of that, traveling the coast of Europe, Spain, and you're just on a sailboat. It's gonna take some time. People forget. You're doing it about a week and a half in. Yeah. And then you get there. Nobody cares nothing. Nobody's gonna listen. They'll film you crying and screaming at Gaza. They're not listening. And then. And then what? Then you got to sail home. And that's basically just a bad cruise with a. With a rotten. Stop.

[Brett]

She's dropping off some baby formula, medical equipment.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah. No, she's got a. She's got an agenda.

[Brett]

Big of a boat.

[John Holmberg]

Pretty good size. They had, like 10 or 12 people on there, and it was. You know, they're all on the deck and they're walking around. I'm like, this looks a little bit more like an influencer's party than it does, you know, humanitarian mission, but it's full of formula and everything else. And I don't think. Color me crazy, that the folks over there in Gaza know who Greta Thunberg is. I'm pretty sure they. They're sort of unaware. You pull up in a great, big, beautiful sailboat. I'm thinking you're kind of probably a prick with a sailboat. Like, most people who have big, giant sailboats are everything they hate in the Middle East.

[Brett]

And are you gonna run right to that? Everything else in the dock. Here comes the shiny.

[John Holmberg]

My guess is she's going to park it someplace nice and then give it to, like, Egypt or something. And then say, you guys walk this over. I'll go with you. But they can't know about the sailboat because that makes me look pretty rich. And then she starts crying, and they'll be. And they'll say, like, who's the Swedish Zoom Goblin? And they'll. They'll even take a second to turn and look and go, are things really that bad? Like, she's pretty emotional.

[Byron]

What does this got to do with climate change?

[John Holmberg]

Nothing.

[Byron]

What the hell is she running her mouth about?

[John Holmberg]

A humanitarian. Oh, she tried.

[Byron]

She switched over.

[John Holmberg]

No, she's always been that you can be two things at once, for crying out loud. She's gonna save the Earth. She's an egomaniac. There you go. Bingo. Right? All she is is an egomaniac that thinks she can solve the world's problems by yelling at us. And I loved Arnold Schwarzenegger yesterday. Quit talking to the president and everything else about all of these things. Nothing's going to happen with global warming. Do it yourself. Do your own thing. He's like, basically said, quit yelling at the government for not doing what you want. Do it yourself. Quit driving so much. If you really mean it, quit it. Quit bitching and roll up your sleeves. Is essentially what he said. And he's right. And I gotta give it to Greta. That's exactly what she's done now. She's a little aggressive, a lot crying. I don't listen to crying people too often. They seem unhinged.

[Brett]

It's kind of like, I mean, you put in a degree, it is getting more press, but, you know, like, Habitat for Humanity, these groups, There's a lot of churches that go over and build a house.

[John Holmberg]

Sure.

[Brett]

Over in Honduras.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, but they pick. They pick, pick and choose. Like, those groups do it when the cameras are out. They do it and then, like, act like they're doing something horrific. They're basically in pretty safe areas that are.

[Brett]

She's getting the coverage.

[John Holmberg]

Well, yeah, she's getting the coverage, but again, she's an egomaniac. 20 something years old, screaming and crying again. If a 20 something year old came to you, they could be geniuses. And they're screaming and crying. All you're doing is going, all right, everyone calm. That Nobody's listening to a screaming, crying person. She's. But I love that Swedish Doom. Goblin is her moniker now. That's my favorite phrase ever. Ever.

[Brett]

It'd be. You know, it'd be nice to see a list, maybe some, right?

[John Holmberg]

Yes. Well, what happened because of this, if it weren't actually did happen, if it weren't for Greta, this would be. You know, we'd have lost most of Spain to, like, crumbling, like, environmental issues. I don't think so. She's loud, she's got an agenda, and she's got, you know, passion. She's passionate. But I think all men can relate to the idea. I just can't listen to a crying woman. They're very rarely reasonable. A crying woman is very rarely, like, everyone quiet and listen to the crying woman. Is never, ever something a man has shouted or said. This crying woman's making a lot of sense. Is not. Not a thing. A crying man is hysterical immediately, unless it's a funeral or a dog died or something really personally tragic. A crying man who's just upset at something he saw on TV is. Is one of the funniest things you could ever see. Like, if Toledo came in here and started to cry because he couldn't take what was going on in Gaza, we'd be like, we get it, dude. But calm down. Calm down. We'd laugh at him a little bit. Like, calm down. Then I'm gonna sail. If a guy said that to you, then I'm gonna get in a sailboat because I don't want to. I don't want to puke anything into the air. And I'm gonna go over to God, said, I'm gonna fix it. I'm like, all right, you've gone nuts. You need to sit on the couch over there. First off, stop crying. It's so funny. Second, if you've got this, like, passion, go. All right, first off, go. Go dust off. Go clean up your face. You're making me. I'm gonna giggle the whole time.

[Brett]

I'll give her this. At least she's used that passion and stayed consistent with it. She's consistent because, you know, you got.

[John Holmberg]

I'll give it the other side of.

[Brett]

It's like Haktua girl that she's not tried to parlay the fame.

[John Holmberg]

See, but there's. There's the issue right there. You're comparing those two because as a man, you're not seeing much difference. Has that opportunity to be the hawk to a girl. She.

[Byron]

I'll take the hot to a girl myself.

[John Holmberg]

So You.

[Brett]

Not necessarily.

[John Holmberg]

You're thinking of Blowjobs with Greta Thunberg to use that. I'm gonna take the day off. My stomach.

[Brett]

I think that was the thing. She didn't have that option. She used that fame to go somewhere else. Whether she's.

[John Holmberg]

Well, yeah, but. Okay, but the difference is documentary. I'll give Greta credit for this. She invented her own fame, not accidentally stumbled into it by saying, here's how I suck a. You know, that's. I mean, if that's how she got fame and she became an environmentalist, I'd be like, wow, didn't see that turn. Hawk Tua just was drunk at a party and said something stupid in the world. But we like that for a minute. Yeah, but again, name the last time Matthia was crying. You're like, she'd make it a ton of sense.

[Byron]

Never.

[John Holmberg]

Take a look at that, Ronnie. Anytime she starts, like, sobbing and is passionate about something, and you're like, I need to hear her out. Because a lot of this stuff, if we put into action with that crying woman saying a lot of things are going to get done, I tune out, actually. Of course. Because it's nonsense. No crying woman has ever, ever made a guy go, all right, this is. This is really adding up. It's hysterical crying. It's usually. There's usually a spider nearby. That's usually why it happened.

[Byron]

Even though we should stay together, then, you know, that's a cue. No, no, no.

[John Holmberg]

Peace out. Why are you doing this? You are a crazy. This is losing. Yeah, we need to stay together. Oh, she's gone. She's off the deep end. And the same with a guy in fair. Any dude that's screaming, we should stay together while he's sobbing has lost it. It's not a good moment for any new. Crying as an adult is not, you know, classy. Crying is, I just lost my dog and I need a minute, and you realize I can't do this.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

I can't just start blabbing away. You can cry, but it has to be. There has to be, like, some composure with it. The doom goblin, she loses her mind. Every time she opens her mouth, she makes herself cry, which is even a crazier woman. Like, if you were at dinner with Ronnie and everything was fine, and then she started to talk. Hotter day. And the next thing you know, then my hips. I just get like, well, you just did this to yourself. How did you do that?

[Brett]

That I could, you know, understand? But if she started crying, we must have to. We have to help these People.

[John Holmberg]

I don't. Yeah. Oh, yeah. If she started to see something, it's.

[Brett]

Not like, you know, personal pain and stuff is one thing, but a woman.

[John Holmberg]

Couldn'T talk herself into crying with her own conversation that you didn't have anything to do with. And now you're the one at the, you know, stake 44, looking around going, I didn't do this. This isn't a dv. She's just upset about her hips. It's worse with the doom goblin because she's upset about the Middle East. And boy, oh, boy. You date a girl who's upset about the Middle east to the point where she starts crying, she's gonna be that way the rest of her life because nothing's gonna change over there. I don't know if history is your guide. There's never been, like, a good period of time in that region.

[Brett]

I mean, Thunberg is not dateable.

[John Holmberg]

Quite. No. Quite. No. On their Tinder.

[Brett]

No matter what you're doing.

[John Holmberg]

Passionate and emotional.

[Brett]

Bad about what you're doing.

[John Holmberg]

God damn it. Did this just happen? Somebody just sent us her head attached to a lady who has an amazing body, and she's selling milk that I don't. This one says, I'm gonna feel ashamed after I beat off to this. I am, too. Nice job, Chris. Turn on political. Yeah. This one says what she's doing is no different than Trump tard claiming he would end the war in Russia and Ukraine on day one. You're right. Emotional overreactionary nonsense of egomaniacal craziness. But anybody who runs for president you should already assume is an egomaniac. That's for sure. Any individual who thinks I should run the world has quite an ego on them.

[Brett]

You do have opportunities to talk to the leaders of those countries. Little advantage.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I think Greta sits at the bottom of that boat. I want to go on a trip where I don't know. I'll whip up some tears and make people pay for it. And she'll go, I did want to go. It's like, oh, Greta's on a roll. Let's send her some cash. She's gonna go solve God.

[Brett]

Yeah. Whatever company she's going to. They're like, oh, no.

[John Holmberg]

What's just a weird ruse for free travel? I think she's kind of like you, Br. She's figured something out. And she's, like, making trades with her tears. You trade sauce, she trades tears. Either way, it's a liquid that you're providing. She starts crying, and people are, get her a boat we got to get over that Gaza and start giving up baby formula in the meantime, you tell me right now, hey, you want to take a month off your life and sail the European coast? Yes. Like, almost all of it's awesome. Like Greece. Think about it.

[Brett]

How long will it take him?

[John Holmberg]

I don't know. It takes probably a while to sail down there. I'd give it a couple weeks at the very least. Right.

[Brett]

Good summer vacation.

[Byron]

Where's she making her bank at?

[John Holmberg]

That's the thing, man.

[Byron]

I mean, people are.

[John Holmberg]

People are funding that.

[Brett]

Door opens, who Company. You're writing a check.

[John Holmberg]

People who. Who, like. Like when teenage Swedes start sobbing about what they're gonna fix, and then they just hand the money she does have, like, she'll play the heavy, too.

[Brett]

You don't write me a check for this trip.

[John Holmberg]

I used to buy that she believed it, which is why she's so emotional now. I think she just does it for the travel. I think she gets a lot of trips out of it, A lot of good ones. Sailing's fun. Nobody ever goes, ah, damn it, I got a sail there. Like, nobody ever is upset. Ah, trip on a sailboat. And he wants us all to go, blech. Sailboats are fun. My uncle's a sailor. He's got a sailboat. Like, he. It's. He got one on Lake Michigan. He's got one in my. In Florida.

[Brett]

Yeah, but. But it's fun for a couple hours or a day.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Brett]

Something.

[John Holmberg]

No, if you're on a good one with beds in a kitchen, it's pretty neat.

[Byron]

Like going to Palestine, though.

[John Holmberg]

Well, that. This is a big boat. Have you not. Yeah, and the end destination does.

[Byron]

That's what I'm saying. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

If you do have to actually land in Gaza. But, I mean, even Israel, that coastline is gorgeous.

[Byron]

I mean, if Captain Stubing's, you know, captaining my boat and stuff like that, we're going to Monaco or Acapulco or something back in the day.

[John Holmberg]

I think that. That on Greta's boat, there's initially an attraction, then something falls apart, and then they're drawn back together because of the power of the boat.

[Byron]

And Charo comes in for no reason.

[John Holmberg]

At all, goes on there, and he wants to solve some problems. Look, I'm not. I'm just saying that she should have.

[Brett]

Loaded up the princess.

[Byron]

Oh, yeah.

[Brett]

More supplies.

[John Holmberg]

Also, if you were on a date with a girl and you're like, you're pretty passionate about this whole environmental stuff and all the Gaza and all that. Yeah, I'm Gonna solve that. Michael? Yeah. What group are you with? No, I'm gonna do it myself. Really? Okay. After. When? When we're done here at Trevor's. Watching the game or. What do you want to do? I was like, afterwards, I'm sailing to Gaza. I'm like, this bitch is crazy. She thinks she's gonna solve all the problems in the Middle east herself. That's ambitious.

[Christopher Titus]

Incredible crazy.

[John Holmberg]

And she's crying. Oh, she's crying. I gotta calm it down. The crying thing. I can't. I don't. That's not a. A woman. I've watched it happen. Watch Megan do it. I watched my ex wife do it. I watched. I've watched everyone in my life, when everything's just fine, start talking about something, and they're talking, and then they start crying like, I haven't said a word. Is this me? Holmberg's morning sickness. But they always do it in public. It's never at home. There's never a time when they're just at home and they start telling themselves things suck. And it's always weird. And it's at a table and you're looking around, everybody looks at you like, oh, he made her cry. It's not always us. Makes us feel terrible. And they know that women get weepy.

[Brett]

They always throw money at it.

[John Holmberg]

Please stop.

[Brett]

Help this charity.

[John Holmberg]

I'm talking to a thousand men at this very moment who are relating to the phrase with your teeth clenched. Please stop crying. We are in public. Please lock it down. We've all been there. I didn't do anything. Everyone thinks I'm beating you. Please stop crying. I can't help it. Oh, God damn it. The food's coming. The waiters. Shut up. You're making it worse. I didn't do anything. You talked yourself into this. You think you're fat. This is your fault. You think I'm fat, too. No, he wouldn't have said that. Oh, my God. I'm going to the bathroom in another state. It's crazy. And then I was also watching the news. There's two things on the news. The dumbest news story I've ever heard in my life happened this morning. This is the dumbest news story I've ever heard in my life. Our friends Jim Sharp and LaDonna Harvey. I listened to them just in case the world exploded the night before. So I'll tune in to News Chopper 620, whatever they call themselves now. What is it, 92? Three? And I'll listen to my good friend Jim and his good friend Mr. Ladonna Harvey and their top story this morning. And I realized nothing bad happened yesterday. What to do if a power pole falls on your car during a monsoon.

[Byron]

I heard that.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. It is the most useless news story of all time. First off, did you hear the tips?

[Byron]

Yeah. Jump out of the car.

[John Holmberg]

Don't touch the car. Jump out of the car and remind everyone to stay hundreds of feet away. Second, leap far from the. As far as you can from the car. And then never get your feet too far apart and shuffle away. What they didn't say was why is you're in the midst of a storm so powerful, it's uprooting power poles and chucking them at cars. And for some reason, there's bystanders, there's just people hanging around outside. This is the worst storm in the history of Arizona. If in fact you're driving along and power poles are being ripped out of the ground onto the road and you happen to get smashed by one, assuming.

[Brett]

It'S going to hit the front hood or the trunk. Otherwise you're not opening a door and shuffling.

[John Holmberg]

Well, there's the other thing. The power pole also has to cooperate by hitting a portion of your car that keeps you safe inside. And the door just creaks right open. I've had, I've been in cars, a passenger seat where a friend of mine bumped into something and bent the frame just a little and the door wouldn't open. Like, it wasn't much of an accident. We're like, my door no longer opens. Like we bent this just enough. Yeah, it's pinched in and it's like, I can't get out there. I had to climb out the window and we hit. What the dude hit was a mooring of a. It was like a fence basically. Just kind of bumped into this thing. Just hit that like. Yeah. And it. I'm like, you just screwed up your car and you pinned the door. I can't open. It's going. It's making this. I'm like, I can't get out of here. This was a two mile an hour wreck. Now this was years ago and he was driving a piece of crap car. But still. But the news story was first and foremost, clear the area of people. I think the storm's doing that. Pretty sure the storm that's tearing down.

[Brett]

I don't know. People gather around during that.

[John Holmberg]

You think when a power pole falls with clearly 200 mile an hour winds, there's just folks like, you know, eating churros and what's going on over there?

[Brett]

Gotta Be the one that helps us helping things. Hey, could you use your help over here? The power pole fell down.

[John Holmberg]

I used the pantomime hand crank of the car window. No. No one panic. I'm the one who's in danger. Everyone stay away. Stay away from the falling power lines. I'm. I'm completely in control now. If a woman's driving. We just went over this. Do you think she's gonna keep her cool? By the way, the last thing I'm doing if an electrical pole is laying on my car, fiddling with the window. I'm not messing around with that. I'm not screwing around with anything that sparks or clicks or does anything electronic. Pretty sure that's been rendered inoperable anyway by the power pole on my car. But Jim and Ladonna. So Colton. Am I supposed to shuffle? They played the sound of shuffling. Yeah, you scoot your feet. It was almost like when they tried to teach you how to do CPR by playing that BG song. Like, here's how it's supposed to sound. Here's how you know you're doing it right. Like, I know how to shuffle, you dumb mother.

[Byron]

I was waiting for him to start playing lmfao because every time I'm shuffling.

[John Holmberg]

And that's how you get away from power poles being chucked at your car and landing on them like San Andreas or the movie 2012. I am not in the midst of a decent situation to where I can. And by the way, if I'm still alive and the power poles laying on my car, I'm not getting out. I'm staying in that car because I already know that whipping electrical lines that are still live. Everything is terrible. Stay put.

[Byron]

Here's.

[John Holmberg]

Here's the Holmberg advice on that. If you're still alive and there's a power pole that's been uprooted in a terrible storm, stay inside. Don't shuffle away and shuffle at least 30ft. Shuffle nowhere. That's. The KTAR is trying to kill you. Trying as hard as they can to kill as many people with storms. That will never occur. By the way. It's not going to happen. I've lived here for 40 years and never once has a storm been so strong that the power line started to tip over onto the road. And, like, so fast. Your car's probably going to blow off the street. If the power line. You know how sturdy those things are. The lines will take.

[Brett]

I'm not gonna stay.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

If the line pulls it down.

[John Holmberg]

But for the most part, one will clip off and it'll lean because there's like 20 power lines that haven't broken off the other ones. If it falls all the way down, the power lines are broken and those things are flying around. Like. Didn't you. Didn't anyone see Iron Man 2, remember?

[Byron]

Or Twister back in the back?

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

When he got the power lines going. They don't hold still for you, Twister. All the power lines move. Jim Sharp and Ladonna Harvey should fine for what they've said. And I know that's not fcc, but whenever you say something stupid, you should have to pay for it. I think that's my new rule.

[Brett]

You're going to hear that story five times this morning.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah, they're going to every 15. Look, you get. Don't we. We're fine. We know you'll come back. Tune in for the top of the hour and when it's 8 o' clock, here's our top story. If in fact this hypothetical nonsense happens to you, it's. That's not news. That's. That's.

[Brett]

I did learn something. The shuffling.

[John Holmberg]

Well, sure, if you're shuffling, you know. Oh. You got to keep your feet real close together because otherwise you'll conduct electricity. So if you're in a live wire situation and you want to walk through it, don't lift your feet off the ground, stay grounded and shuffle. Well, I guess that's decent advice. But again, ask yourself, how'd I get here? How did I get into this spot? This is the same exact advice they gave kids in the Midwest for tornadoes and nuclear bombs, when that special alarm would. And they did it here, too. That special alarm would go off and go, all right, everyone under your desk. The Ruskies are attacking. Like what lay under your desks there. What you don't know is these little wooden boxes are nuclear proof. You just sit under it. That was to identify the bodies. They never told the kids the truth. They have a seating chart. It's like they just know they'll find all the bodies under the desks. This will be easy. It's like Pompeii if they just said, do what you should do, which is run for your life, the nukes are falling. Then they'd have to go search for bodies and everything else. It's easier for them if everybody just got to the same exact spot. And there were 30 little kids in each room under a desk, burnt to a crisp. Just little. You know those skeletons you see in the. With the teeth and that. That was never for our safety. If A tornado comes and blows the school up. For me to put you in the Everyone needs to be in pretty much the same, at least the same starting point so the forensic investigators can find you easier.

[Brett]

They figured that was better than 30 lined lead lined refrigerators for them to jump in.

[John Holmberg]

Sure. Well, it would have been a little expensive to shove all those smart kids into the lead line stuff and the dumb kids would have been under the desk.

[Byron]

I worked in Indiana Jones.

[John Holmberg]

What's the problem? You get in a refrigerator, they're nuclear proof.

[Brett]

Even tumbled.

[John Holmberg]

The other thing is seat belts on planes. They're designed to keep you from floating around in turbulence. But they want you to buckle up for a wreck so you get found. Those are. Ever seen the aftermath that Russian. There was a Russian plane that crashed and they found it and they're like, oh thank God. Like how many people are on here? It's like, don't worry about that. They were all buckled in. And there's just people in chairs just laying in the things. The seats came loose from the plane but there's like a grouping of six just all buckled in. Bodies are still. This is easy. Like we'll get all. What was 148 on the plane. We got 147. Just gonna find that last chair. Won't be far from here. But nobody launched because they weren't buckled in. That's the only reason why this is the again if we have monsoons that jump up to the point where power lines are getting broken in half and falling on us. I'm with Greta. Something's going on because I've lived here for 40 years and never once have I been in a monsoon or I'm like, these poles are all coming down. You realize this is this. We're looking at 160 miles an hour wind. They don't even talk about that in Florida during hurricanes like in those power poles could go bust like twigs.

[Brett]

They shut off the power on that. They've already, you know, predicted the time of the hurricanes. Now on the. And now that it's going to be worse because we have less FEMA, it's 200.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, well FEMA is going to kill everyone. Well actually what I heard was is that FEMA is just going to go and mow people down now. Like they've taken a total. Like they, if they show up, they just start shooting. They don't. They're not going to help you. They're just going to kill you. That's what the news wants you to believe. FEMA just rolls in and goes, you think you got trouble with the hurricane? You ain't met female. And they just clean it up. That's how they do that. They clean now like the Italians. We're gonna do some cleaning down there in Florida. These whiny bitches. You guys got waterfront property now. What are you bitching about? Yeah, that's the over 200,000 hurricanes predicted in the month of August. And FEMA's gonna come, and they're just the gestapo at this point. Point. But yeah. Worst. Worst news story I've ever heard in my life by far. What to do if a power pole is laying on you from Jim Sharp and Mr. Ladonna Harvey. It's not news, and it's not even scary. It's ridiculous. Second news story I saw was that the lawyer for Luigi Mangione asked the judge, hey, can we unshackle him? Are you.

[Brett]

No flight risk?

[John Holmberg]

The dude in the flight. I said, he's. No. Actually, his words were, he's no danger to anybody. Now this dude shoots people when they're not looking. Keep them tied up. What the are you talking about? He's no danger? That's when he is a danger, is when I'm not paying attention.

[Brett]

Look at him. He's gorgeous.

[John Holmberg]

And that's the other thing. I watched a little of this thing. There's people like Harvey, what's his name from TMZ was like, well, no, let's look at what.

[Brett]

Cause he's.

[John Holmberg]

He's got this. This manifesto red notebook that he wrote down everything in. In October before he killed the dude in December. And he's like, I. He said, what was I supposed to do? Bomb the insurance company's headquarters? No, that's terrorism. I wanted to do something that minimized damage to people, but still made a political point. And. And they're debating whether or not that. Well, that's. That's fairly thoughtful. And I'm like, if he was ugly or creepy looking, this wouldn't be a thing.

[Brett]

They're gonna go with, he saved lives, right?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's it. He was a. He's a good. Look at him. I'd nail him. He's hot. The eyebrows are a little thick, but come on.

[Byron]

He looked like one of us.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, if it was me in that courtroom, they'd shackle my head to my face. I mean, like, I don't really turn me inside out. I'd be done.

[Brett]

They would double down, put more on.

[John Holmberg]

Cut the back of his skin, and pull it over his eyes. They look. I don't want to look at him. He's disgusting. Like, he's guilty. Like, this dude sits there and he's like, dude, we unshackle this handsome beast. This. This son of a. Is beautiful. Like, there's no reason to be mad. He only killed the guy he was after. He's not after any of us. That's what a murderer wants you to think. Like, if he wasn't handsome.

[Brett]

Cameras in the courtroom. I don't want people to experience this.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it's. With me, they're like the courtroom drawer. I need to learn in a new guy. We'd have courtroom sketches, but these sketch artists has thrown up on his work. Every time he looks over at the accused, Mr. Holmberg, and he can't draw him anymore. And we'll just come out like hilarious, cartoonish versions of me.

[Brett]

They just put. They'd put a nose on the chair.

[John Holmberg]

A nose and shackles. We shackled his giant nose. We look at him. Yuck. Political statement, my ass. You're the worst person alive. Luigi Mangione does it. And they're like, can we unshake? Come on. Look at him. Not gonna hurt anybody. It's like, wait. The dude shoots people when they're. When they got their backs turned. He's the biggest coward on the planet, but the only reason he's getting defended is because of how he looks. I had this argument with a girl here. She's moved away since. She's like, no way. I'd blow him for 18 hours solid for what he did. And I'm like, that's terrible. I'm like, by the way, he's no hero. Because a hero who does a political statement drops his gun and puts his arms up and says, I did this because I'm doing it for everyone. You don't run. You don't go on the way. You don't try to get away. If you're a hero and you're making a statement, you stand up to that statement. Your goal is, I'm going to sacrifice myself for the greater good. He ran away immediately. Shot a guy in the back and ran away. It took a day or two, right? Found him a while later. And then they were worried about the kid at McDonald's who spotted him and said, hey, you're that guy what shot that dude. I've seen you on the news. I'm like, wow. Son of a bitch. How dare you turn in that handsome devil? I can't believe. And they're good for the judge. Like, no, we're not unshackling him. If I Turn my back. He'll shoot. He doesn't have a gun. That's what we thought before. You don't unshackle a shooter. Who's the back? If it was me, it would be called the back turn murderer. I'd be like, the cowardly back turn Murderer. Luigi. It's like, you know, the handsome. The handsome martyr. Like, I don't.

[Brett]

He's playing to the jury there.

[John Holmberg]

He doesn't have one yet. He's just got to do the judge right now, because they're even working. It's like, this is just a hearing. Or how can he get a fair trial when he's in the orange jumpsuit and the shackles? Like, that's true of everybody. Why is he getting a break? Everybody. Every. I guarantee you that. Anybody watching what I watch that happened to be African American. Ain't this a bitch? Like, you get the orange. Can we put him in a nice suit so he looks better in this orange jumpsuit? I mean, it just screams guilty. He is guilty. He said so. You're reading the book that says, I'm gonna do this. I did this here. That's as guilty as you can get.

[Brett]

He planned it for a year, your honor, and he pulled it off. Give him some respect.

[John Holmberg]

How does he get a fair trial? Dr. Dressed up in this orange jumpsuit like a common killer, with a manifesto stating exactly what he was gonna do and then his name on it. What do we do? What kind of kangaroo. What are you running here? Kind of circus am I involved in? Sorry about Luigi. Your hair looks fantastic. You don't unshackle the killer. I always do. Find.

[Brett]

Not a manifesto. It's a diary.

[John Holmberg]

It's a diary of future plans. And they all came true. True. And he's the only one who did it anyway. It was weird, but it's fun. It's fun to be sick and watch TV the whole time and realize, oh, yeah, the world's never going to be un. Crazy. And I don't know how anybody emailed, like, listen to my Greta Thunberg thing and turned it into, oh, yeah, well, Trump, you're also crazy. I understand what you're saying. Trump's an egomaniac, too. I thought nobody was defending Trump by saying, greta Thunberg's a nut bag. Both things can be true at once, by the way. And that drives the political tribalists nuts. When you say something about something they agree, they automatically attack the opposition. To think because. Because if I don't like Greta, that must mean I love Trump. Yeah. We live in A world that's only black and white. And if you don't like her, that means your guy. I'm like, nope, not my guy either. I think both of them are a little bit off. But at least Trump never goes out there crying. If he did, it would be like, all right, put the big coat on him and let's get him in a padded room. I just want everyone to know, like, oh, Donald's gone. Remember how much fun we made Alex Jones when he started to cry about testosterone levels being too low in men? Which was ironic that it brought him to tears? I'm like, you might be right.

[Brett]

Someone just posted the. The greatest cry of all time, and it was that guy from the tlc.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah, the intervention show. Yeah. Which we had in here for the longest time, but it is by far the best weep in the history of man weeping and. And hasn't heard in a miracle. Oh, it's.

[Brett]

Wow.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I don't think I have it anymore, but it is one of the. It is one of the finest cries, I don't think, because it goes into.

[Brett]

You know, the son who has a pretty strong cry himself.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, here it is. Worst cry ever. This is a man. He ain't done yet. Shut up. The waiter's coming. The waiter's coming. Shut up. They're gonna think I did this. Jesus Christ. You talked yourself into that.

[Byron]

Sounds like one of those goat videos. Yeah, where they just start screaming.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know what you're talking about. I don't think you're fat. And just. You know what? Let's not. Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[Christopher Titus]

Come on, come on.

[John Holmberg]

Everybody at Applebee's is looking. Come on.

[Brett]

Out of the riblets.

[John Holmberg]

I didn't do anything. She's upset about something. A friend died. A friend died. I'm totally innocent here. Shut up. Quit telling her to shut up.

[Christopher Titus]

Let her live.

[John Holmberg]

You shut up, too, lady. Who are you, anyway? Don't unshackle the killer. And Greta's in it for the travel. That's my. Those are my takes for this morning. 6:24. Let's get a wake up song. Find out where Brett's going. It's Thursday, and that means Operation Hydration is Back out there and get yourself over where Brett is going and drop off some envelopes of cash. Oh, west side today. Brett's flashing. Flashing the sign.

[Byron]

I'm getting ready.

[John Holmberg]

We'll see where Brett's going in just a moment. Get over to the west side and drop off some water and help out The Phoenix rescue mission with Operation Hydration this year, which is a phenomenal thing. Trying to get to a million bottles. That's gonna be tough. So we need some companies. We need some corporate groups to come by. Drop a few hundred bucks for Brett. If you're a company and you're like, you know what? This would be nice. A nice tax write up.

[Byron]

I'll go shopping for you.

[John Holmberg]

We're good. If you've recently said something that you felt that was wrong, you should probably financially punish yourself for that by giving to Brett. It's ve there. Hand over some money to Brett and have him do good things with it. That's how that works.

[Brett]

Otherwise, Brett, he's our Greta Thunberg.

[John Holmberg]

That's right, Brett. Brett's going to stand in the parking lot. We'll take the salt out of those tears and no one will be thirsty ever again. Give us that Wake up song. 585-9800 a good one and we'll scream it together. It's 98. KUPD.

[Christopher Titus]

Wake Up. Hey, it's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually.

[John Holmberg]

No membership fees. I have heard enough of this sickness. You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself. He's evil sitting right here. Come on.

[Christopher Titus]

No, no, he's not.

[John Holmberg]

He's not evil. He's just a bit rude. 98. There you go. Thanks. Miles to nowhere. That's Katie and Hobbs. They're our theme song for the first six months and last six months of this glorious year. And we're already halfway through that. It is time to talk about Operation Hydration. Brett is in the van. He's on his way. Oh, he's. Brett is doing his version of Greta Thunberg today. He's in the sailboat. He's going to a dangerous place. He's in Maryvale and he does it for you. 83rd Avenue and Camelback at the Safeway today. I don't think that's so bad. Brett's worried that it's too close to Maryvale, which is something he's scared of. Not scared, but he's scared of it. And he's going out there this morning. He's gonna be out there any minute now. 83rd Avenue and Camelback. He's going to have everything out there. Summer of Loud tour tickets are in his hand. That's July 1st. Volbeat is coming here on my birthday. And it's my birthday. My birthday alone. Anyone else that's different is lying. If you celebrate on July 26, you're just celebrating my birthday and pretending it's yours. Volbeat is at talking Stick Resort on my birthday. That's awesome. He's got those tickets, KUPD stuff. And all you have to do is go down there, say hi to Brett. You can sign up for all that stuff. You don't even have to give water. But what kind of person stops by there and does donate water? For our friends at the Phoenix Rescue Mission? Doing great work. Now, I've seen this, and I've said it a million times. Charity has no competition. I don't care who else is doing this. Channel 3's doing a water drive for the Salvation Army. I'm fine with that. Give to that if you like that better. I know that makes the Phoenix Rescue Mission go, wow. Look, if. If everybody's doing good, it doesn't matter whose banner is over it. If KSLX has a great water drive and you'd rather give to that, do that. I don't compete for, for anybody's charity. That's not the point of it. And I've seen the ugly side of that in the past where I don't mention the other pit. No, they're doing the exact same damn thing. It's all good. Phoenix Rescue Mission is the one we choose because we really like them. They're great people. They're doing great stuff.

[Brett]

We know where the water goes.

[John Holmberg]

We know exactly where it goes. And I'm pretty sure all the other ones have good intention. So if you, if you feel like giving water to something else, don't feel obligated to be, you know, forced to do it our way, but it sure is an easy way to do it. Safeway helps out with that. You can go over there and the Phoenix Rescue Mission is amazing. So trying to get to a million bottles. So it's going to be tougher if you start handing it out to everybody else. But you know what? Do it all on different, different groups. Help out everybody. I got no problem. This city needs water. 5th largest city in America. No one should ever die because they don't have a glass of water in their hand. And, you know, like, you're hiking or you're being silly. They're hanging out in the heat. But these are people who, you know, have no choice. They're outside all the time. They're. They're in tough situations and they're just handing out water. I'm going out on a. On a drive with the Phoenix Rescue Mission in a couple weeks, handing out water with them, which is pretty cool. Just in there, like, you just Got to see how, you know, how the operation works and how grateful everybody is, and I can only imagine. So we'll take some of this water, you guys donate, and I will personally hand deliver it. I'm a good person, Brady. Deep down.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And when I'm not, I pay. 83rd Avenue and Camelback. That's where you go. Operation Hydration is happening. Brett will be out there this morning at the Safeway. Knock him dead with your glorious donations. And always, you know, he's Italian. You're on the west side. Little envelope of cash. You don't have to do any work. Brett will do it for you. Get a leg, man. Name is Brett Fessley. That's right. Keep it safe. Stay in your car. I heard that is a bad idea when there's a power pole on it. But, you know, when there's Brett and Maryvale nearby, envelope out the windows. The. The proper way to go.

[Brett]

Shuffle to Brett.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Get out of your car and shuffle the Brett. Most of the time, people shuffling to Brett are shackled up because they're being loaded up to a court hearing. Evidently, that story I said was the world's dumbest news story was also on Channel 3 last night, which is the what to do in case a power pole falls on your car in the midst of a horrible storm. Again, 52 years old. I've never heard of that in this city. Now, I understand power poles can fall, but if they fall on your car. I'm an atheist, but if a power pole falls on my car, I think I might pray for a second just in case. It's like, thank you so much. Whatever. Just stop that Ala. Jesus, Ganesh. I don't know who. Thank you. That was an amazing thing. And I'm just gonna sit tight in my car and wait for somebody who knows what they're doing to at least turn this thing off. Off. I'm not getting out because there's rubber on the road that. I've always been told that rubber on the road is grounded almost at all times. Right. Like, if one of my wheels is off the ground, I'm still grounded.

[Brett]

That's what I thought.

[John Holmberg]

If two are off now I'm conducting electricity, I think. I don't know how all that works. I'm not a science. I'd have to call Bill Nye. But I'm pretty sure if your tires are on the ground, you stay put and just thank your lucky stars that a power pole didn't hurt you. You know what it reminds me of? The. It's the Drawing in the airplane when they say, in case of a water landing, which is a crash. Water landings aren't a thing in passenger jets. Case of a water landing. And then they show the people floating, smiling on the drawings on the little cardboard thing.

[Brett]

Back of their seats.

[John Holmberg]

They're all fine. They get the back of their seats. They're all locked in, their hair isn't even wet. But they had a water landing. And as I saw that for years, I used to laugh at it. Jay Leno used to do a big long bit about it. And then that Sully Sullenberger made it a reality. I went, God damn it, that might be real, but you know what nobody had in the water landing in the Hudson that no one ever talks about? Not one person brought their floaty seat with them. Did you notice that? And the miracle on the Hudson.

[Brett]

Yeah, they're just standing on the wing.

[John Holmberg]

They just got out. Nobody sat and said, we might need these. Remembered that their seats are flotation devices because the water was like 2 degrees. It was January. But no one, no one was. It wasn't iced up too badly at all, really. It was just freezing cold water. And they stood there and like, we seem to be floating. I think this is going to be a boat for a while. And nobody had their flotation devices. No one. So that whole thing about in case of a water. Sully actually did a water landing and everybody's like, just get out and stand on it. But what are the thing says to grab our seat and float around. I'm not getting in that water if I don't have to. I'm going to stand on top of this plane till it sinks. Yeah, that's what I. Dumbest story I've ever heard. Guy says, I can tell you right now, even if there is a suspicion at all of electricity live, you're not supposed to get out of your car. Your tires are best insulation you've got got. Unless it's straight up on fire, the car is the safest place you can be. I agree with that completely.

[Brett]

I always thought that's what they said too, that like, if you can stay in the car and wait for the utility company to come out or whatever.

[John Holmberg]

And move for someone who knows what they're doing. And you just watch those fire whip lines. I've seen that on tv. A power pole went down and they tell everybody, just get away way. And it's whipping all over. If you're close to it, stay put. Try not to get hit by the whippy line. If you're in a car. Seems like that's the like the last thing I want to do is this mortal coil go wandering around in a storm that's tearing down power lines. Terrible information and I don't know how it works, but I don't rubber ground you. I think that's why your shoes are good. It says the tires insulate you from being grounded. You're floating on non conductive item that won't hit the grounded power line. You had the right idea. Rubbers also keep your penis from being attacked by the power lines of a woman. It's the exact same thing. Is that why we wear rub is to avoid electric shock to stay grounded in sexual activities. Thank you, Adam. Adam knows his science. We also talked about people crying and somebody said, with all due respect, John, a man crying sometimes is okay. Stallone, Rocky 3, Mickey dies. Yeah, I said it. When there's death or like a dog or Brian Piccolo. Brian Piccolo and oh, Brian Song Khan and. And Billy Dee are in there and Billy D just starts balling. You die when your boy dies. We got a dog or a family member or even a wife. It's sad. Yeah. So it's all right when Stallone died or when Mickey died in, in Rocky 3. It was, it was a. It was a good sob, a good scene. Paula Proc, who hates Toledo, said, I worked in HR for years and I would tell a woman, the second you start crying telling this story, your credibility is shot. You seem like an emotional lunatic. P.S. my goal is to make Toledo cry in the next week or so. So keep your eyes open. Paula. The Toledo header. That's true and I agree with that completely. If you start weeping while you're complaining about what's going on and it wasn't a physical assault, it's just something you don't like. You're unhinged. Yeah. Crying is. Shows a lack of control.

[Brett]

That's why I do it in private.

[John Holmberg]

I always cry in private. In your closet. Like a man in the corner naked, Usually masturbating. It's not sad.

[Brett]

Every once in a while TV show or something.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, you'll get.

[Brett]

Oh, geez.

[John Holmberg]

When something's trying to make you cry, that's a thing like oh boy. And it touches. Usually it's like for you, it's probably a dog or your dad or you know, families. Yeah, yeah. And that's. Those are tears of joy. But you're not going to just start thinking about it at lunch with me and start crying like, what's going on, Brady? I just started thinking About Kirby, man, this 17 years is just. All right. He's lost it. We got to get out of here.

[Brett]

He can't find a job.

[John Holmberg]

Did you just think yourself into crying with people who aren't related to what's going on? Oh, boy. I'm gonna go sit somewhere else.

[Brett]

I just think of. You know, he was an emotional guy, and one once or twice is okay, but John Boehner went to the well too many times.

[John Holmberg]

No. First time, he started crying. Just talking about the flag. We're like, this dude's unhinged. Like, this is. If this gets you, like, okay.

[Brett]

It caught him. Something's okay.

[John Holmberg]

Cool. What happens when there's real trouble? That's what I want to know. When I see a person who cries over something small, I'm like, what happens when it gets big? They don't have the ability to control it. Here. Talking about eagles. And then he sings. Passion. I get passion. But if you can't control yourself from, like, not. Not just a tear running down your cheek that's. That's almost manly. Like, when you sit there, go, this means something to me. You see that powerful steel tear roll down a man's cheek, and you're like, God damn it. And he kept it together. But when Vayner started and he start making that noise, you're like, what happens when there's real trouble? Like, you can't even talk about eagles without kind of losing control. What happens when real stuff starts going like, you're just gonna ball up.

[Brett]

Look how viral the crying Jordan went.

[John Holmberg]

Hilarious, man, because it was so funny. And in that moment, Crying Jordan, like, he had every right. Like, I think there was a lot going on. It was. There's a lot happening at that time. This one says, john, what would you rather do? Go sailing with the Swedish doom goblin or cruise on the dolly Steamboat? Mike Stevens. Oh, well, the Swedish doom Goblin goes to beautiful locations. The dolly steamboat just floats around Canyon Lake once. Like, so you get one lap of Canyon Lake, which, by the way, looks pretty much the same on the first 30ft as it does the last 30ft, and that's three hours later. There's not a lot of geographic changes. And also, it's not that big a lake. So when you're on the one side doing the lap, you can look over and see where you're gonna be. Real clear. It's not far off. It's not like lake Michigan where you can't see the other end.

[Brett]

I came close to the dolly steamboat. Why, if you remember. But a couple weeks Ago.

[John Holmberg]

Geez.

[Brett]

Was it Dick Neuheisel, Celebration of Life.

[John Holmberg]

They were going to do that on the Dolly scene.

[Brett]

Played that song.

[John Holmberg]

Oh yeah. I love you, Arizona. Yeah.

[Brett]

I think it was a guy. I think it was the. The original.

[John Holmberg]

It could be. The doom. Goblin goes on nice trips. Her destination sucked. But that. That sailing from Sweden to Palestine. That's. That's a beautiful. That's a nice boat ride until the end and then you got all that milk and stuff that you're a good time of year. It's a really beautiful. Yeah, look. She didn't do it in December. Notice this is all for travel. Thunberg's in it for herself. So that's a. This is a. This is the time to. To tour the coast of Europe. Think of that. It's beautiful the whole way. And the further south you get, the better it gets. Ibiza. I don't even know why that's sexy to say, but it's a.

[Brett]

But if you look at. If they needed supplies right away, she's.

[John Holmberg]

She's killing them.

[Brett]

Saying I'm not doing the carbon footprint.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

I'm not jetting that over quicker.

[John Holmberg]

You'll get my donation in a few weeks. Yeah. In the meantime, babies that need this formula that she's got, she's sailing. She's got Christopher Cross on the race. Takes me away. Yeah. The Swedish doom Goblin gets the win on that one. Dolly steamboat will take eight. I'll. I'll go to. I'd rather sail to Palestine from anywhere from Antarctica in December than I would that Dolly steamboat. Again. That is a.

[Brett]

If you're talking the same time frame. Yeah. You know, like you get your three.

[John Holmberg]

Hour tour on the steamboat with the.

[Brett]

Goblin or the steamboat.

[John Holmberg]

Gilligan's three hour tour was better than the steamboat. They probably advertise. I'll probably end up paying for that. But whatever. I don't care. I'm keeping people safe. That's all I care about.

[Brett]

I'd like to hear that commercial on our station.

[John Holmberg]

The Dolly Steamboat.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Are you guys suicidal? Let's suggest one thing. Okay. There's another thing that's going on right here that I think is nuts to be. To be fair to the people who can't hear you bash Greta Thunberg without thinking that you love the Trump administration. I don't even know where you drew those lines, but I got a couple of those emails yesterday. They started to take names off of boats that they didn't agree with with. Like Harvey Milk got a boat named after him.

[Brett]

Or it was it wasn't named after him. It was just taken off a table, wasn't it?

[John Holmberg]

Well, they said they're going to rename other ships named for liberal heroes, so vessels, Christians who honor Ruth Bader Ginsburg, Harriet Tubman, Cesar Chavez, and Harvey Milk are going to be renamed or stripped of that honor. The. The name of trailblazing LGBT plus activist Harvey Milk is going to have his name taken off of US Navy vessel, followed by the renaming of many more ships. And that, to me, just means that Pete Hegseth saw the movie Milk, because when you see it, there's a lot of man kissing. And I think the Navy's been trying to avoid that reputation for years and years. So the Harriet Tubman thing I don't get. And, you know, a couple others. There's no real need to do that. But we've learned over the last 20 years of look, and this is the problem I have with the group of saying anti woke. Don't cancel culture. This thing. This is exactly what they're doing now. You're canceling Harvey Milk because you don't like him. You're canceling woke. Just let it go. Somebody else did it. They honored somebody you don't like. It's the same exact argument of people saying, why are there statues of Confederate soldiers? Why? Why? Because they don't like them. But when they tore down the statues, you lost your minds. Indians probably hate Columbus more than anything in the world. When they tore the statues down, we lost our minds. So now tear names away from the other side is the exact same thing. The Harvey Milk boat is hilarious to me. But if someone. Yeah, if someone along the lines was, yeah, yes, that's Milk. I mean, that is like, the gayest boat ever. Is such a gay boat. And Navy gay boats. I mean, if I was in the Navy, I'm like, you're on the Harvey Milk, God damn it. I'm already getting enough heat from my friends of being a Navy guy. I gotta dress up like the crackerjack kid and get on the Milk. Stationed on the Milk for a little bit. And it's one of the smaller boats. And I watched the movie too.

[Brett]

There's less semen on the boat.

[John Holmberg]

There's not a lot of semen on the Milk. I watch that. Look, the biggest insult to Harvey Milk was naming a small boat after him. The dude was a size queen. It's in the movie. So name the aircraft carrier after him, and whoever's in charge gets to do that. And then somebody else is in charge, and they should leave It. Because it's just gonna keep its ping pong now. Well, you didn't like that? We'll name someone. The next guy's in charge, they're gonna name everything after Milk, and then the next guy will come in. It's just this constant battle of dumb. Harriet Tubman can have a boat. Harvey Milk can have a boat. And you're just like, you don't have to like everybody who's got a boat named after him in the Navy. That's just silly. But Harvey Milk should have an aircraft carrier or a destroyer named after him because he was a size queen, period. End of story. Little boat. That's offensive. That's more offensive to him than it is anyone else.

[Brett]

Can we keep it to State yet? You know, USS Arizona. And you got.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, can't we do that? That's a good idea. Like. Well, those are the big boys, though. And then presidents and stuff like that. But then, you know, this is. This is a never ending domino of dumb. I don't like Harvey Milk. So he doesn't get the USNS Harvey Milk, but yeah, Thurgood Marshall. They're taking his boat name away. That's not right. Well, you're doing that because he's black. No, because it's woke. I'm like, yeah, but they named you. But they only named it after him because he's black. And you're taking it away because he's black. So just leave it alone. Ruth Bader Ginsburg. What did she do? She's a woman. Pretty good one though, right? Yeah, but they only did it because she's a woman. I don't know, maybe some accomplishments, too. Is it because she's so far left? I mean, she seems to have done some good things.

[Brett]

I think it would be, yeah. I mean, if you're on the boat, if you're on the USS rbg, that sounds a lot better than rbg.

[John Holmberg]

Solid. Who's this named after? Ruth Bader Ginsburg. I'm not fighting on that. I mean, it kind of represents an awful lot of good about our country to have the rbg. You don't have to agree with how she did her job, but, you know, just because she had a different opinion going through doesn't mean she can't have stuff named after the usns Medgar Evers. I mean, there's a few reaches, there's a few political bombs out there, but you know what? Leave them alone. You canceling names for the sake of canceling names is the same as the people you hate doing it. Remember when we went through that big stretch where they were going street by street here in the city saying can't have a name after that guy. And it was up on 23rd street and like by Pieste. Pieste Peak, you know, they start getting into things. You gotta cancel that because I don't like it. And then another group comes in. So well, I'm gonna cancel the stuff.

[Brady]

You like then that was adjacent to the Confederacy. We can't have that.

[John Holmberg]

That was right. Yeah. They had that one guy who was. Evidently they had something like, like Stewart Road. No one even knew until he was. Somebody got mouthy. And so this, you know, is named after guys Confederate. I didn't know that. I just thought it was Stuart Road. I knew a dude named Stewart. I asked him, I don't know Ray Road up there. And they could have, there could have been, I'm sure 100% across the board. A few of the Ray family were pricks. There's no family that gets off scot free every road. That Dobson. Probably a few Dobsons that were just animals. Just horrible. You'd be changing everything. So the Harvey Milk is a tough one for the navy. But at the very least name a big boat after him because the dude liked it large. Watch the movie. He wanted a big one. And in fact I have gay neighbors and I have never heard one of them say we prefer it little. Almost all of them like a big one. They're the only honest dick assessors. Women lie. Oh, yours is perfect. Everybody says, oh yeah, that's great. And it's. Size doesn't matter unless it's too big or too small. Then size matters. Well, you know what I mean. So it's all subjective to you? I guess it. Gays are like, I just want a big honker in me. Like they don't. They just want big ones. That's it. Size queens. I went to that, that, that theater gala with my gay neighbors and they do a thing at the end where they're kind of like give you a little teaser of all the productions that are coming up with the, the company, they call it the group of actors that have been hired for that season. And one of the guys came out and for no reason at all, in the midst of this thing they were doing, which seemed to be setting in a diner and they had written this entire deal for an honor they give away every year at the gala they give away an honor to donate. People who donate and they give them an award. But before they give them like a two minute little presentation as if it's a play about you. So if Toledo was to donate hundreds of thousands of dollars, they'd be like, golly gee. And then they kind of give your resume.

[Brady]

Dad walking away.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And they. Exactly. They're like, he had a rough start. Like, they'll tell your story through play. Well, in the last one, and I think it was for somebody Herbergery. Lot of dough it might have been for Artie Moreno's family. They always give the same awards out. Or some robeson lady, I don't know. There was a lot of people I'd heard of but didn't really know. This kid comes out in ballet pants and his dork is massive. And he walks across the stage and you hear me in the crowd go, what the hell's going on here? Like, everybody else is in pants and for no reason. This dude comes into the diner. Like Baryshnikov. Not Baryshnikov. Is that the dancer? Is that the Russian leader? Okay.

[Brady]

Yep.

[John Holmberg]

I was thinking of thinking of Brezhnev. Thinking of Brezhnev, who else? Baryshnikov. So he's walking and he's got a hog on him. It's huge. And Michael and Troy, my neighbors, like, oh. Immediately they see this and it sets off like the way fire alarms set each other off. Gays do the same thing. When one gay aws, they all kind of hone in on that. So when you have the electric fire alarm. So when it goes off in the guest room, we'll cue the one in the other rooms and they all start going off. All the gays. Oh, nobody's paying attention to the words. They just see this kid traipsing back and forth on the stage with the. This huge hog. It's a dong a lance they love. Not one of them was like, gross. Like they all loved it. And. And at the theater gala, there's a lot of gays and they all made a noise towards that thing. Cuz their internal humongous D alarms went off, guys. And then they couldn't stop giggling. I'm like, Michael and Troy, act like men, damn it. Find it in your. Oh, just quit looking at it. Can't help it. So they like them big. You can't give Harvey Milk a little boat. That was offensive. When I saw the boat that he.

[Brett]

Had like a TT cruiser or something.

[John Holmberg]

That's a car. That's. You. Like the PT109 pizza 109. Yeah, the old. No, look, it's just. It is sort of a PT boat. It's tiny. That's the milk boat. That's. That's offensive to a gay. You can't name a tiny little boat after a guy guy. After a prominent day, he gets a big one because that's what he'd want. So Hegseth going around doing that. I started laughing at that. I'm like, jesus Christ. Silly. But there's nothing you can do about it. People lose their minds over silly stuff. And then one side says, I can't stand cancel culture. I can't stand it. I hate it with a passion. By the way, taking away all these names we don't like. Like, well, that's the same damn thing. Now ours has a merit because it was based in wokeism. I'm like, nah, canceling something is canceling something. Knock it off. We got bigger fish to fry. We're on the precipice of World War Three and we're mad about the milk boat. Stop it. You know what? I've said it for years. The milk boat shoots down a load of baddies. It's a great boat. There's nothing to do with who it's named after. It's not like. It's not like we just do a bunch of flitty homosexuals that are scared of war. And the only ones allowed in, those still well trained navy officers that we just don't go down to Charlie's here on 7th and say, all right, who wants to ride in the milk boat? They're all going to raise their hand and then realize you put them to war, they're going to lose. They're going to all cry and scream.

[Brett]

Those other countries. It'll put it on a higher target though, though.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And tell you right now, the other countries aren't going to be like, oh, there's an American boat. Who's it named after?

[Brett]

We're taking the milk out.

[John Holmberg]

Ah, it's named after that queer councilman. We don't have anything to worry about. There. Still filled with ammunition. In fact, we should name all of our boats after like Liberace and like gay stuff. Make all the other countries go their boats are all gay. Because other countries still haven't adapted to the idea that that can still kill you. PD Holmberg's morning sickness. Name our missiles after gay stuff. Deep Throat missiles. And like everything we have is like a disgusting. Because we're mainly fighting with the Middle east, right? That's who we usually kind of end up. They hate gays. So if you start hitting them with Harvey Milk and Liberace, it's going to double down on how much they can't stand us if we blast you and win with the SS Milk. Oh, man, that's salt in the wound right there.

[Brett]

Hit hard by two Hudson missiles.

[John Holmberg]

Who's Hudson? The dance. Oh, oh, I was thinking of the tap dancers. Rock Hudson's. Yeah, well, you got to call it the whole name. The Rock Hudson. The closeted Rock Hudson boat. I want like the Richard Simmons, the Pee Wee Herman. I want stuff. They know you're gay. Barry Manilow, the Elton John name. I don't care. They're from the states. Yeah, the RuPaul name. Everything that just makes the Middle east just cringe. Their boats are super duper powerful and named after queers. They'd lose their minds. But it just seems silly. I shouldn't have days off. I start thinking too much time with your time. Just looking, just going, what's going on? This email says, hello, John. I need a man's honest opinion. And you'll do. Ha ha. I love your show. You make me laugh. Thank you. My husband passed away in 2023. I don't mean to be rude, because that's a tough sentence, but passed in the situation is passe. Yeah, not past my husband.

[Brady]

Maybe he's just away.

[John Holmberg]

Pass. He passed away. I know that from before. He died in 2023. And the laughs keep me going. Your impersonations are great. Oh, you're too kind, Wanda. But I'm taken. And now that you're available, you can't start hitting on me. Here's my question. How often does the average guy watch porn or short clips of porn? I was having a debate with one of my girlfriends, and she said that if a guy and a girl are in a healthy relationship, he shouldn't watch at all. And I say men watch porn or porn clips a few times a week. I'm in my 50s. I know past my prime. She's in her 40s. And what started the debate was I said that I felt that I was the only reason my husband, 11 years older than me, and his school friends, went from flip phones to smartphones was so they could watch porn. That's exactly it. Yeah. And it isn't why we went to it, it's why the world went to it. So we could watch videos fast. I don't think it matters if they're in a healthy relationship or not. Guys like to view or enjoy looking at porn. Now, some guys don't like porn. Brady's not a porn guy, but that's because he grew up in the era of Sears magazines and imagination and you stuck to it. And I gotta hand it to you.

[Brady]

Not all women.

[John Holmberg]

Sure.

[Brady]

Women like porn.

[John Holmberg]

We like it more. Oh, absolutely. You know, it's hard to find a female based porn video that you're like, you know, my chicken. Very rarely do you watch that. We should watch this together. This look. She'd like this one. One.

[Brady]

You're welcome.

[John Holmberg]

Only fans, they don't seek it out like we seek it out. And what they seek out is real pansy ass stuff, you know, like kissing Bridgerton. Yeah, they got that. That's girl porn. Like they're still blown away at 50 shades of gray. Brady's Way is very difficult in this modern era. The convenience of porn, if you're going to. Because everybody touches it, everybody gives their horn a tug. But if you're going to do it off. Imagination. Good on you, son. I'm impressed. That's hard. Now I don't know if I could still do that. Could I do imagination tugs?

[Brady]

Well, just you remember the collections of porn that we not only got from listeners. Remember we were collecting it for a while. And the giant duffel bag of porn.

[John Holmberg]

That we weren't collecting it for a while.

[Brett]

You could do it.

[Brady]

No, we were taking the donations, weren't we? At the, at the van.

[Christopher Titus]

Wow, that was.

[Brady]

No, another thing.

[John Holmberg]

Somebody dropped a ton off.

[Brady]

That's what it was.

[John Holmberg]

And Brady had it and he threw it away.

[Brady]

He had a bunch of it. No. Oh, Eric, rest.

[John Holmberg]

No, no, he threw it away.

[Brady]

Oh, I thought he rescued it.

[John Holmberg]

He tried to rescue a bunch of it and Brady threw it. Brady. Brady had thrown it out.

[Brady]

Whose duffel bag was in the office then at the old building.

[John Holmberg]

That was some guy dropped off a bunch.

[Christopher Titus]

That was a big.

[John Holmberg]

But I'm not taking gently used pornographic magazines. No, that's staying in a duffel bag. But yeah. How often does a guy do that? Every week. I don't know. The average dude. Once, twice a week. Week at least, probably. I'm saying average. There's dudes who don't. Dudes who do too much. Somewhere in the middle age 2 and 3, I'd say that's pretty. Twice a week. Probably the average. She's asking.

[Brady]

Seeking out porn or just.

[John Holmberg]

No, I'm just getting a little short clip of porn. Give yourself a tug. Yeah, but I don't think a lot of dudes aren't. Are nowadays. I got to wonder what percentages of dudes who do that without the help of the phone.

[Brady]

Oh, just get a Twitter or an instagram account. They'll pop up in your feed.

[John Holmberg]

Porn?

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Really?

[Brady]

Not on Instagram, but. But Twitter for sure. Your girl, she calls herself the semen demon.

[John Holmberg]

My girl. First off, a second ago, he had me collecting tons of porn, and now it's my girl, the semen demon.

[Brady]

Like what Kimmy Granger is that?

[John Holmberg]

She's not my girl. She belongs to the world. Okay, am I familiar with Kimmy Granger? Yes, but that was years ago.

[Brett]

She's, like 38 years old. Yes, I did, sure.

[John Holmberg]

But that's. You're gonna hear most of the time, Brady. You're going to hear a name from porn. From somebody in this room. Yeah, yeah. And I'm familiar with a few of them, but, no, she's not my girl.

[Brady]

I'm just saying, if you.

[John Holmberg]

That's weird.

[Brady]

You look up one of those girls on your Twitter account, and your feed will be there. You won't have to.

[John Holmberg]

See. Here's the thing. I don't. Great.

[Brett]

Battleship name.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, The Kimmy Granger. Hey, look.

[Brady]

Or semen demon. Semen demon.

[John Holmberg]

Semen demon. Spelled S E A. Our navy ship should all be semen demons. But anyway, I digress. Nobody's ever gonna see the Kimmy Granger video and go, that's John's girl. Stop Toledo. My girl. Remember when we were collecting all that porn? No. Remember that? Your girl, what's her name? The semen demon. Yeah, that's right. That's moron.

[Brett]

Standing.

[Christopher Titus]

Happ.

[John Holmberg]

Happen. Didn't happen. She's not my girl. She's. She's available to the masses.

[Brady]

One of your faves. All right, fine.

[John Holmberg]

No, no, no.

[Brady]

However you want.

[John Holmberg]

Not one of my faves. She's a. She's an actress who I've. I've pleasured myself to. There are thousands of them. None of them my girls. She doesn't know me. I can't take claim for that. I told you. Hey, if you're interested in a good tug, Kimmy's videos are pretty fun. And then there was one that got a little out of hand with her stepbrother where she actually started to cry and scream. No. And I'm like, this isn't supposed to be a thing. Thing.

[Brady]

And wait a minute. Oh, yeah, the wall came down a little bit.

[John Holmberg]

Or it was her acting got real good and she started to scream, stop. No. Stop. This. This is wrong. And he kept going, and it got real violent, and she started to cry. And I finished up and towed down, and I'm like, I don't think I want this one again. But I did archive it. It's in there just in case. Well, I wanted to show other people, like, does this look real to you or sweet?

[Brady]

Come back in a different emotional state to see if it has the same effect.

[John Holmberg]

So we call the authorities. This looks serious. This looks like a. I should be watching Masturbator, but, yeah, I don't know. Twice a week, I guess that's probably average, but, yeah, most. I think most people. And again, you're right. The flip phone went to the iPhone for the reason of videos, and the reason that videos got so good is porn. Porn was the catalyst, as it almost always is, in the advancement of technology. The desire to watch porn faster was pushed by porn because we had the capabilities of doing so. So they said if they just had better mechanisms to watch it, we can now push it quicker.

[Brady]

Hold on a second, John.

[John Holmberg]

Fast.

[Brady]

You still call that man across from you a friend? This man who c. Blocks you from porn stars, and then you're telling me he throws away free porn? Mtf, man, get out of the studio now.

[John Holmberg]

Fairness. Brady never blocked me from a porn star. It was Larry and Brady's excuse, although very rapid. Right. Still did not make Brady right. He's not gonna do anything with her. Still was no excuse for him to go over and wreck what Larry was trying to accomplish, which was smoke weed with BB Jones and then possibly see her naked in his house. Brady wrecked that. Since we're handing out phone numbers, just any Joe that asks. I got a restaurant you should pop over to. Won't you give me those digits too, there, sister. That was an immediate C block. It destroyed Larry in a huge way. You can't have two guys asking one girl for a number next to each other just isn't a thing. He wasn't doing anything with her. You're not wrong. But still, you could have cornered her later when he wasn't just standing there feeling pretty good. I mean, took the wind out of his sails there, but, yeah, I don't know. I don't know the rules on porn or any of that. I just know twice a week's reasonable. And it has changed the game. I don't know. And it's not. It's not what it used to be. I used to just see a picture of somebody's butt, and you're like, all right, I'm taking this one. And remember the spank bank?

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah.

[Brady]

Oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

That was. I just put. That was your brain. It was just a catalog of things you kept in your brain for later.

[Brady]

Yeah, that's what, like printed porn was.

[John Holmberg]

Man, that was dolphin shorts. When somebody'd walk by in dolphins, they're like, oh, my God. Yeah, I'm gonna remember that. And now it's just everything still. Just imagination mostly, pretty much. No kidding. Do you ever lean on anything as far as, like. Nah, it's not working. You ever go to the phone?

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

So you've, you've adapted a little. You've kind of. Porn hub.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And you have any favorite sites? Anything? You're like, whatever pops up first.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

You front page it. Scan a few, scroll a couple. I like her on top. I'm gonna go, this is the one.

[Brady]

Their suggestions are usually pretty solid.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

Do you scrub Senxx?

[John Holmberg]

Well, once you're on their rhythm, do you scrub to the scene that you like or do you let it play?

[Brett]

I. I look at duration. Like, if it's 12 minutes too long.

[John Holmberg]

But you can get to it, like, you can cut it, edit to six minutes. Like you're.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

I don't think you're the type of guy that likes watching oral.

[Christopher Titus]

I think, yeah.

[Brady]

I think you just explained scrubbing to him.

[John Holmberg]

I think your guys are like, let's just get right on top here. Come on, bounce, is what Brady says. I don't think you're sitting there spending a lot of time watching, you know, the other stuff, the build ups.

[Brett]

Sometimes it's a hassle and overwhelming.

[John Holmberg]

How so?

[Brett]

Just because it's all. There's so many, oh, so many choices. Like, where do you go?

[Brady]

It's like, paradox. I'm not a choice.

[John Holmberg]

Yes, Like Netflix. You've got too much to think about. Usually just revert back to what you're familiar with, which is the paradox of choice. That's why Kimmy Granger became kind of a common thing. Like, look at all these choices. Well, I just better go to the one I know because otherwise I'm going to be overwhelmed.

[Brady]

Come on, guys. I look at some every day. Now, I don't handle myself every time, but I do look every day. And relationship health has nothing to do with. No, I like naked chicks. I like naked chicks.

[John Holmberg]

And that's something women need to realize. When you met every guy in your life, one thing we all have in common, we all like naked women. We like pretty naked women. That's something when you. And that's not going to change just because we met you, that just doesn't go away. That's something we can't shake. Sean Rockefeller, our blind listener, says, I'm on pornhub two or Three times a week and I've got no eyesight. Sometimes it just sounds like a boot stuck in the mud, and I get it up. Sean's got a different need.

[Brady]

John, remind that lady that you guys used to do an entire segment for years called the Paws and Toss.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah, the Paws and Toss. Where I would tell you about regular movies. Regular movies with great, great scenes that.

[Brady]

You could pause, that you get away with.

[John Holmberg]

Started. The reason that I invented that was the movie Jade, right, With Angie.

[Brett]

Ever felt guilty?

[John Holmberg]

I didn't feel guilty. I know when I met her, I didn't. I told her about it. She was in the kitchen here in this building. Husband was doing a sports show or something, and she was here, and she looked better. Because in the movie Jade, she's dead and naked. And I still managed to pause and toss to that.

[Brady]

Well, she's dead on a.

[John Holmberg]

On a slab. Coroner's table. And she'd already been autopsied. They'd sewn her back up. They had the scar down the center where they gutted her. I'm like, good Lord, there's naked. And I. You know, my brain just said, that's makeup. She's not really dead. Pause. And so I met her in the kitchen and I said, I got to tell you something. I gotta get this off my chest here. That scene you did in Jade where you're laying dead on the slab. Yeah, I took care of business to that. Oh, my God. Like, I know, but you knew that was a thing, right? Now, you weren't really acting. You were just holding your breath and you were naked. Like, there was no reason for you to be naked on the corner slab. They could have put a blanket on that. It was all designed to make guys.

[Brett]

Like me how cold she was.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And then she started to tell me about the. All right, well, anyway. Anyway, this is embarrassing enough. I don't need you to break down the details of how uncomfortable.

[Brett]

Oh, you were cold already.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Even for a dead body. I should have asked you that. I'm, like, laying on that cold slab. How did you keep those things from perking up? Because dead body doesn't get hard nipples. That's the name of my autobiography.

[Brady]

That's the one.

[John Holmberg]

Anyway, what are you gonna do?

[Brady]

John, can I tell you something firsthand and hear me out, please?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, boy.

[Brady]

I might be projecting here, but you become more reliant on it the more you get rejected by your wife. My phones have gotten smarter over the years.

[John Holmberg]

That's true. Because rejections, when your wife rejects you More the phone gets. Yeah. To be more useful. Correct. Yeah.

[Brady]

Oh, you have the iPhone.

[John Holmberg]

Plus, I see you go out and get every new iteration of the iPhone. 17's out, huh? Okay. Update. Gotta get an update. Might speed up some stuff. I don't know how much faster we need it and how much more we need. There's a lot out there, John.

[Brady]

It's so common. I'll never forget the time you asked Betty White about her paws and toss.

[John Holmberg]

No, I asked her when she lost her virginity. I did not ask Betty White. You're confusing an interview with another person. I did not. I asked Betty White when she lost and how she lost her virginity. And she. And by the way, old Betty White clip, she was a risque lady. Oh, yeah. She was like. She loved that. So I knew she'd be all right. I'm like, how did you. She was like 90 when we talked to her. How did you lose your virginity? And she more than happily told us the story of. What a wonderful experience. I think it was her prom. Yeah. Yeah. It was easy. And she had fun. She gave it up and she made jokes. But I didn't ask her. So what do you tug to Betty? I would not have. That's classless. Because she would probably just say, my late husband, Allen Ludden. That's gross. That's gross. And my next follow up to that would be late husband. Meaning after the casket. No, when he was alive. All right. Can you still smell the smoke on his suit? Because Everybody in the 70s stunk like smoke. Does that get you going? 1. Anyway, it's always fun to have conversations with you guys. I enjoy it. It's good. And by the way, Greta Thunberg, somewhere around Ibiza today, she's pulling over a little beach time.

[Brett]

They're going to party there.

[John Holmberg]

Going to complain about overnight. It's going to be too hot. I'm sure she's complaining. That's a little too globally warm for her at the beach. And then find a plastic bottle and start sobbing. But she's on her way to Palestine. We'll get that milk to those kids eventually. But this sale, I'm telling you, man. Ah, the world has been snowed by that crying doom goblin. She's getting sailboat rides all over the world. That is a prize on a game show. Sail the World. Nobody goes, boo. That you get to sail all the way from Stockholm to beautiful Palestine. But along the way.

[Brady]

That's right. We're sending you to the Gaza Strip.

[John Holmberg]

Sail around the world. That is on The Showcase Showdown 100, $50,000. I don't know. That's crazy good.

[Brett]

Yeah. That's huge.

[John Holmberg]

It's a huge prize, and she's doing it like it's some sort of sacrifice. I will save the world and help the children who need food. You sail the world? That's awesome. We're going to sail to Hawaii. A lot of needy Hawaiians, I guess, to tell everybody it's too hot in Hue. Too hot in Hawaii, huh? It's a global warming. You're gonna sail there from Sweden? Was that three months, four months? Just seven. Okay. It sounds nice. Along the way, you're probably gonna stop in some of the worst places in the world, right? Miami, Brazil. Okay. What a trip. Tough times.

[Brady]

The Dominican.

[John Holmberg]

Don't go to the doctor. You're not going to Haiti, for crying out loud. Brett's out there this morning, and he is. Talk about us. Greta's got nothing on Brett vesley. He's on 83rd Avenue in Camelback. It's everything he does every day of his life to avoid going to 83rd Avenue and Camelback. But when it comes to helping out the people, he'll do it. He's going to the Safeway over there on the West Valley. Donate a case of water to help out Operation Hydration. We'll talk to Brett in just a little bit. What's on the board of Musical Treats? And before you tell us, I'll tell you. It's brought to you by Action Ride Show Shop, who have all the new pivots in stock right now. Pivot bikes are amazing, but if you don't want a pivot bike, they've got all the others as well. I like the Santa Cruz. I think that's a good bike right there. They've got tons of them. And you know what? Don't ask me, ask the know it Alls over there at Action Ride Shop, they got both. Location one up there was that McDowell. It's McDowell and Power. Oh, man. Gorgeous. And then of course, the original over there on Gilbert. All the geniuses that work there can get you through your day. And you start riding on those trails. Trails also get a bike rack, throw your bike on it, head up to Sedona and Flagstaff this summer. You've never had a better experience, outdoorsy stuff than a mountain bike. Ride through. I'll tell you. Mezcal Trail. It's not easy, but it is amazing. You get to. You get to look at Sedona in ways you never imagined, and you can do, you know, two and a half. What would Normally take you, like, six hours to walk. You can do it a couple hours on a bike and see it all they can. They'll tell you about that, too. Action Ride Shop. They'll help you out with all your needs for outdoor fun. What's on the board of Musical Treats?

[Brady]

Justin Grub pipes in with for all these loony broads. John Bullet for my Valentine. Tears don't fall. Oh, and then for Brady Kiss, Tears are falling. Critical Acclaim by Avenged Sevenfold. Head like a hole, Coc. Clean my wounds. You think I ain't worth a dollar, But I Feel Like a Millionaire by the Queens of the Stone Age.

[John Holmberg]

That's a good song.

[Brady]

Fabulous Thunderbirds. Tough enough for Greta's boyfriend, it says.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, that ain't. That dude does not exist. There is no Greta's boyfriend. I'm not saying she's a lesbian. I'm just saying there's no man that's gonna deal with this. All those tears after two or three times, you're like, enough. Can we watch one TV show without you telling me how they screwed up the planet filming this? Jesus Christ. Christ. Imagine watching TV with Greta Thunberg. Oh, and you see, Tom, you go see the new Mission Impossible with her. That was such a way as carbon.

[Brett]

Because it's too long.

[John Holmberg]

Well, first off, it's too long. Second, there's just everything is a carbon footprint. Everything.

[Brett]

That's what I was saying. Like, man, there's nothing that you could do that was right if you're dating.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, Everything you do is wrong. Wrong. God forbid you drop a bottle cap. Thank you, Birdie. I'm picking it up. Calm down.

[Brady]

Christopher Cross Sailing Anything by Tears for Fears. Livewire by Motley Crue for the power lines at ktar.

[John Holmberg]

Let's do that. Livewire by Motley Crue because it's got a cowbell in it. That is the. The news goons at KTAR trying to tell you to get out of your car. If it gets crushed by a power. Stay in your car. The news goons here at KUPD are like, just count your blessings. You get smashed by the pole and wait for the authorities. Don't go wandering around.

[Brett]

Let it play out.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Let it work itself out. You're in. No matter what, you're in a bad situation. You've already dodged bullet number one. A power line crushed your car, and you're still alive. Now stay put. Don't listen to Ladonna Harvey and Jim Sharp tell you to get out of your car and start shuffling around like you're Joe Biden, just stay in your car. My car's been crushed by a power. And you're fine, right? Are you feeling electrified? No. Pretty good. All right, stay put. Wait for the authorities. What if they never come? Look, you're in a pickle. I'm not saying you're 100% getting out of this my way. You're certainly not doing great getting out of the car. Dumb. It's not like you're sinking or. And again, like, if the car's on fire, run from it. Take your chances. But if it's not, turn the radio on. Enjoy yourself. Have some fun. Finish the big goal and just realize that what they're talking about isn't just a power pole randomly falling. It's the middle of the worst monsoon storm this state's ever seen. So not only is that happening, you're running the risk. More like cows are gonna fly through the air and hit you. You just stay in your car. Worst advice I've ever heard on the streets. Yeah, yeah. And that was the first piece of make sure all people are told to stay away by you. I just got crushed by a power pole. You think I care about the innocent bystanders who are out in the worst monsoon? It's the worst story I' heard. They did it with a straight face. Evidently. It was on regular news last night, too, not just old school dumb radio news.

[Brady]

They're partners, aren't they?

[John Holmberg]

I don't know. No. Channel three. Channel 15 of them are so probably channel 15 did it too. Even though nobody watches that. I don't even know how that's still around. They should just use marionettes at this point for that one to get people's interest. Because I don't think anybody watches that news now. With five marionettes, the only news station in town using puppetry, I'd watch. You want to bring back some ratings? My ideas are good.

[Brett]

It got me on the. The weather about a week ago.

[John Holmberg]

So. On the weekend with marionettes?

[Brett]

No, but it was a girl that basically had no hand.

[John Holmberg]

What?

[Brett]

She was using the weather map with the.

[John Holmberg]

I like it.

[Brett]

The nub.

[John Holmberg]

That's what we need more locally. Yeah. Channel 15, mean.

[Brett]

I believe so. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Really? And now a cast of freaks gives you the news. It's One Eyed Willie. Like a pirate and a frontiersman. A one armed girl doing weather. That's. That's the only way local news breaks free. Oh, cool. Yeah, we don't want beautiful people in a. Faye Fredericks. Javier Soto. Yeah. Canceled. Bring on the patch. Never mention it. It a Dude with claws. Scissorhands.

[Brady]

The lobster girl.

[John Holmberg]

Lobster Lady.

[Brett]

Remember?

[John Holmberg]

Everybody remembers Lobster Lady. Jim Lampley's wife.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah, that's it.

[John Holmberg]

And make her just hold him in the air. Well, that was her old man. Co anchor. Do you think your parents considered aborting you? You think they would have had they known you had blips on your hands?

[Christopher Titus]

That's a terrible question.

[John Holmberg]

Just ask. Asking. Because she used to wear gloves. I lived in San Diego when that went on. Brie Walker was her name. And she put on these gloves, and she had these beautiful lacy gloves every night with fake hands. And we didn't know. And then one day she's going. Just started to morph into this freak mutant. And the guy next to her question.

[Brady]

When she was wearing gloves all the time.

[John Holmberg]

Well, everybody at the station knew she had lost her hands. Like, she wasn't hiding it from the. But on the air, it was like the. And they were right. Like, her bosses were like, I don't think people are ready for lobster Hand news. I mean, you're a woman. They're just getting ready. Like, you just got here. Yeah.

[Brady]

Holding the papers.

[John Holmberg]

And it was a lot of nerve.

[Brett]

You can only use those if you're pointing out stuff in the Atlantic.

[John Holmberg]

Back in the. Yeah. Yeah. And then let's go to under the Sea News with my friend Sebastian. They. But they had just given women that right to do the news. So. To have lobster hands. Too real. She was pushing it.

[Brady]

Listen, sister, we're just getting used to you being here.

[John Holmberg]

The dude next to her was who Ron Burgundy was based on. And when she finally came free with her lobster hands and he's leaning back going, so you think your parents would have known about this? They'd have aborted you. That's an actual question he asked her. No, I don't. She handled herself beautifully. I don't know how she didn't slap him with her crustacean paw, but she did. And everybody out there with lobster paws expect a check. I'll write a check. Don't worry. Don't complain. I'll cover it. Play that live wire there, sir. You got it. All right. Livewire by Motley Crue just in case. Stay in your car. If you're crushed by a power line, you got a lot going on. Last thing you need to do is go down a checklist of things to do. Just sit. Sit tight. Don't listen to ktar. They're out of their minds. Start it off. It's Motley Crue, everybody. It's 98K. If you need. Listen for the cowbell.

[Christopher Titus]

Hey, it's not. We. It's pretty cool, actually.

[Brett]

No membership fee.

[John Holmberg]

I have heard enough of this morning sickness. You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself. He's evil sitting right here. Come on. No, no, he's not. He's not evil. He's just a bit rude. Brad's going out there this morning. He is our little Greta Thunberg. He's doing great things for the people, the environment. Environment. He's going to places that only he'll go.

[Brett]

Bretta Thurnberg.

[John Holmberg]

He's. Yeah, that's right. He's Bretta. He's our little Bretta Vesselberg. And he's. He's out at. You know, Greta's going over there to Palestine. Brett's going to Maryvale. Just got a picture of Brett. I don't know if that's the one from last year. If he took a fresh one this year when he went by the welcome to Maryvale sign and in the background there's a. I don't think he knows this. Brett, did you. Did you take that picture this morning or was that the one from last.

[Byron]

Year just a few minutes ago? No, that's this year since my traditional west.

[John Holmberg]

Did you put the bag behind the sign? No. Look at the picture.

[Byron]

That's all.

[John Holmberg]

There's a body bag. There's a body bag behind you.

[Byron]

Well, of course. Where do you think I'm at? Come on.

[John Holmberg]

That was intentional.

[Byron]

Then that's a par for record.

[John Holmberg]

No, that's.

[Byron]

I didn't do nothing. I literally went. Ran across the street minute playing Frogger over here and across 83rd Avenue. Took the picture and then ran back.

[John Holmberg]

Just so happened. There is literally a body bag in the background of that picture.

[Byron]

I gotta look at that. I didn't see that.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, unless the guy who sent it to me superimposed went in there. But it was a pretty good job if it was. Well, I have your.

[Byron]

Well, go on Instagram and you. I posted it on my page and the. The music that I played behind it is actually perfect for this.

[John Holmberg]

He might have. It might be fake. It might be a fake look.

[Byron]

Okay.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you got. Same one. Has it got the body bag in the background. Looks pretty good. Oh, Brett, how adorable.

[Byron]

I told you it was mar.

[John Holmberg]

Okay. He did add it in. All right. Thank God. Great job, Kyle. I was completely convinced. Kyle put it in there. I'll forward that to Toledo and we'll make it. We'll make it. So this is the real Picture. Because Kyle did a nice job with Photoshop that made it actually where I'm like, hey, that looks pretty real. And I wasn't surprised by it in any way, shape or form. No, of course not. Because A, it's Maryvale, and B, there you are. So you are in Maryvale right now, and that's a good thing. Look at you now. Stop it. Stop it.

[Byron]

What?

[John Holmberg]

Stop it. Stop crying. Bretta Man Bun has also posted that he's sorry and people are sorry would.

[Brady]

Have happened on his.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah. Drew that used to work here is like, I'd have never put you out.

[Byron]

I told him, come back immediately.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, but you are there now because you know what? It's for the greater good. There are parts of the valley you don't like being in. You make it very clear that Maryvale is one of them. And look at you. You're in it today. And why? Because it's for the greater good Charity. That's right. It's because you're helping the community. And the Phoenix Rescue Mission needs it for every ounce of this city, including Maryvale, which Brett is now standing in 83rd and Camelback. What do you got going on out there? Help us out, Brett. What do we need. Need to do?

[Byron]

All right, you guys know the drill. We are out here for Operation Hydration. We are collecting your water donations. All right? Like, you know, it's gonna get hotter. It's just. It's insane. So we need the water for everybody out there. All right? So come on out here, grab some water. If you don't got time, like we always say, swing by with an envelope. I'll go in and do some shopping. Guy from now, electric's like, dude, I've got time. Here's. Here's 20 bucks. Go buy some water.

[John Holmberg]

Nice.

[Byron]

All right, cool. So, yeah, and I got a shout out to the guys from the Arizona dot. They swung by, dropped off some water, and brought me some coffee since I had to come all the way out to Maryvale. So I appreciate that, but gotta thank our friends over at Lerner Row. Amco. Of course, Safeway and Albertson's putting up with us. And of course, it's all for the Phoenix Rescue Mission. So come on out here. 83rd Avenue and Camelback and the vibrant village of Maryvale. It says it right.

[John Holmberg]

It says on the sign, welcome to the vibrant village. A vibrant village. And you can see it says violent. Vibrant and violent are very close. You scratch off the top of the B and make an L out of that R, and you've pretty much got violent village very close. You should go over and make that sign say a violent village.

[Byron]

I'm sure they sell Sharpies in here. I'll go get one. I'm on it. I'm practicing my old English writing right now.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, because you're just two slight moves away from turning vibrant into violence. Violence as vibrant, Violet. All right. Thank you, Brett. We'll talk to you soon. Stay safe if you can. All right. Brett's out there all morning. 83rd Avenue and Camelback. It's where the young man is, and he's doing nice things for the community. Phoenix Rescue Mission. Operation Hydration. It knows no boundaries. It doesn't know good or bad neighborhoods. It just knows need. And we have it. So it's a nice thing trying to get to a million bottles by Labor Day. And last year, we got close, and it was a huge year. So what we're going to need this year is a lot of corporate help. A of lot. Lot of companies that, you know. You want your name mentioned. You want us to talk about you at all? You want some free push? This is the only radio show in all the city that still works.

[Brady]

It's true in a number of different ways.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Oh.

[Brady]

Is anyone still here? Has anybody checked the parking lot?

[John Holmberg]

The other places don't even show up for work. Like they know Even the tree in the forest. If nobody showed up and did a morning show at Katy Kibe, would anyone know notice? Would anyone hear it? So it still works here. I'm not bragging. I'm just saying. It is bragging. We're. We're the only ones left. Ktr to a certain degree. Because they keep you up to date on stuff.

[Brady]

And safe Beth.

[John Holmberg]

I'll give her credit. Beth has some people still like her a little bit. Outside of that. You're wasting your money if you advertise anywhere but here. I'm telling. Even with our other station. And I know that makes our bosses mad. That's. You're. You're getting fleeced. That's just throwing. And at this point, they're just throwing it. You know that's true, Brady. And you're a former sales guy. You don't like hearing them. But if any of our sales people go and you can have KSLX and just say, no, we only want the kupd. Don't waste my money on the other two.

[Brady]

Just tell them I know what you're trying to do.

[John Holmberg]

And I'll end up paying for that, too. Don't worry about it. I'll cover the bill. You guys won't. I'll pay for that. Like, I'll write a check for that. If that's what it takes. If I'm allowed to say whatever I want. It just cost me a few thousand bucks every time. Look out, Katie, here we come. I didn't like what you said. What's that gonna cost me? Because I know if I just put money on it, it goes away.

[Brady]

Do I have to write again?

[John Holmberg]

You don't get carpal tunnel with all these checks I'm throwing out. It's time now for Brady to give you all the news that only Brady knows. We call this the Brady Report. It's brought to you by Guy, our friends at All Pro Shade. All Pro Shade Concepts, Arizona's best patio shades. The commercial is very funny. I believe it's on our Instagram. It's on our website. It's on. It's all over the place. And Brady sitting in his backyard, his beautiful backyard, with that awesome All Pro shade that he's got hanging over his patio, which makes his patio twice as big and twice as livable. Drops that temperature about 20 degrees. Blocks all those UV rays you can't lose in the summer in Arizona when you've got more shade than you even know what to do with. Like Brady said, Brady's getting shady. So should you. Allproshade.com. that's where you go. Brady reported.

[Brett]

Good Thursday morning to you, Phoenix.

[John Holmberg]

Hello, world. Hi.

[Brett]

Happy National Moonshine Day.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Brett]

Legal or the drink achieved legendary status upon the passage of the 18th Amendment in 1919.

[John Holmberg]

That's what the Duke boys used to do for a living. You know, when you look at the Dukes of Hazzard, you have to realize, you know, that was the first Supreme. It was.

[Brady]

I see where you're going.

[John Holmberg]

We were rooting for the antihero.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Boss Hogg was right.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

He was stopping moonshine.

[Brett]

And did they ever have anyone else. I can't remember. Come in on the territory? Because they'd have their routes if they did.

[John Holmberg]

They were.

[Brett]

They never really got in a feud with other Brady.

[John Holmberg]

They never showed it. But they alluded to the idea that Bo and Luke were proficient with Bo and arrow and weapons. They didn't shoot. They weren't violent. They kept you away with flaming bows and arrows. And they were very good at shooting. It was in the intro to the show. So I think basically. What? Coin vans were also very proficient, but just not as entertaining.

[Christopher Titus]

Okay.

[John Holmberg]

Not as good as driving. I mean, these two moonshiners were so good at evading the law. NASCAR called them and said, why don't you come out here for a year and give it a try? And they did. It's just the history of the Duke boys. But if you watch, that's the. Like I, I. That's the first Sopranos. That's the first Breaking Bad where we rooted hard for the bad guys. Bo and Luke and Jesse. Jesse was a, you know, he should have gotten hit on RICO charges like that was a criminal enterprise. Daisy guarantee they weren't paying taxes. Beach all you ever saw. Been in trouble when the law Keep.

[Brady]

Daisy's name out your mouth.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

No, Daisy was in on it.

[John Holmberg]

She completely in on it. She was Mrs. Gotti anti hero. Rooting started with the Dukes of Hazzard. That gave television executives the idea, you know, if packaged properly, they'll root for the bad guy. We just have to make the good guys doofuses. And Cletus and Boss Hogg were 100% right. Roscoe P. Coltrane was a man on a mission. Mission. The Duke boys were the bad guys. And we rooted it. We wore shirts with them on it. Never got a Boss Hog shirt. He was the good guy, though. He wore white. They told us his whole suit was white. His hat was white. Was he a little corrupt? Sure. He's a politician, but he wore all white. He drove a white car. He was the good guy all through it all. And the Sopranos probably got the idea from the Dukes of Hazard.

[Brett]

Solomon said a couple of basis fun facts. The shopping cart was introduced in 1937. Is invented by a guy named Sylvan Goldman, the owner of the Humpty Dumpty grocery store chain in Oklahoma City. No one liked him. Men found them to be effeminate, and women found them to be more of a baby carriage. They feel like they're getting away from one.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Now they got to bring another one in there. But eventually it became a hit and Sylvan became a multimillionaire of his royalties from the design.

[John Holmberg]

Interesting. By the way, I got an email from Super Nintendo Boggs, and she said, don't forget, Broomhead isn't in that mix over. And I'm like, that's true. Broomhead does a good show. He gets some. He gets results with his stuff, too. Fitz gets results from his.

[Brady]

Not as good as he does with Ma' am.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, he gets crazy great stuff. So, yeah, I'm not saying people don't do good things. I'm just saying if you want results, there's like, us, Bass, ktar, Broomhead, for sure. Not sure about their afternoon shows even though I do go on the the Gatos one. But you know what I don't get after that? This is not a shot at Bruce and Larry. Nobody ever says, hey, heard you're on the kcr. Normally you go on you a hit, you talk. I'll get a couple people that'll email and go, oh, I heard you on that.

[Brady]

Created our own problem by podcasting. People in the afternoons are listening to our podcast rather than their.

[John Holmberg]

That could be. But I've never once gotten like a wow, great job. Like unless I've told them right. Well, it's very rare.

[Brady]

Or you've said it and then people go over to theirs.

[John Holmberg]

Used to go on another radio show and get a lot of pop.

[Brady]

No, no.

[Brett]

The producers have gone with the win. Were fined $5,000 for using damn in the movie.

[John Holmberg]

Frankly my Scarlet, I don't give a f.

[Brett]

In the 1300s in England, one of the only ways for a woman to get divorced was if her husband was impotent.

[John Holmberg]

What? He had to prove that.

[Brett]

Yeah. So there was an actual job for someone who would inspect the man's junk to determine if the wives claims were true.

[John Holmberg]

What if he was just impotent for her Ugly.

[Brady]

Right, right.

[John Holmberg]

And. And could then a man divorce a woman because she stunk and that's why he couldn't get hard because back in those days there was no hygiene.

[Brett]

Right.

[Brady]

There was the problem because of first line.

[Brett]

Then the person that had that job, you know, I got results, he comes.

[John Holmberg]

Back and just wipes his eyes. Your honor, not impotent. Yeah, quite potent actually.

[Brady]

Actually, not for Nothing, but you're 13 minutes late on a word.

[John Holmberg]

Oh geez, you're 100% right. Good Lord. All right. Maryvale is today's word. Sorry about that. The man cave word today, 97936 is the number. Maryvale, we'll keep it alive till 9:15. Maryvale, text that thing, you'll get prompted back and you might walk away with this glorious man cave upgrade from our friends at Prestige Billiards, Twin Peaks Health out the wise coatings. They're out there. We got ourselves the men's game day. Oh my game day. Men's health. Sorry. Yeah, awesome stuff. And Today's qualifier again, $50 a gift certificate there for Vaughn Hansen's Meat and Spirits in Mesa. And you'll get tickets to go see so Breaking Benjamin in October. Good Lord, it's a lot of prizes.

[Brett]

The latest tick tock trend is adult tummy time. It's like the version for babies. And it supposedly helps. Helps you reverse the effects of the time that you spend hunched over computers, phones and other devices. So the guy. There's a video and the guy. You lay backwards, you lay down on your tummy, put your arms up when you're looking at your phone and so you're not hunched over like a teen girl. Yep.

[John Holmberg]

With your legs up in the air and your tummy and your like the way old like Britney Spears videos used to be where she's on her bed on her tummy like. Yeah. Singing to you. Writing in a notebook. Okay.

[Brett]

Weren't they laying around that way too? A couple of the girls in Greece and the one.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

They're always on the bed on their tummies with their legs up, doing like swingy legs. That's how you reverse bad posture.

[Brett]

Yeah. Can help with the hunching over.

[John Holmberg]

Shouldn't you just get on a swiss ball, lay backwards and bow up?

[Brett]

That would help.

[John Holmberg]

I think so.

[Christopher Titus]

God damn it.

[Brett]

You don't have it.

[John Holmberg]

That's true.

[Brady]

God damn it, John. Do you realize what you've done?

[John Holmberg]

No.

[Brady]

You're gonna give one of the qualifiers to a Maryvaleite.

[John Holmberg]

Not necessarily. They can't spell their own city. Are you crazy? They're not.

[Brady]

The way they're spelling it, it's pretty odd.

[John Holmberg]

People in Maryville aren't wasting their time trying to win a game room, they become targets. People in Maryville don't have room for a game. Game room, let alone it's the first of the month. They're not gonna go wasting texts right now on games.

[Brady]

Scrambling, they're.

[John Holmberg]

Well, no, it's there. They've got a ton of them right now. They're not gonna. Right now. They're in. All right, don't blow it early. If they find out at the end of the month they've got like 12 text left, they'll get maybe a game entry. And they're not doing it in the beginning.

[Brett]

Not sure if you saw this, but the founder of a company called code blue CPR climb Mount Everest. Everest in April to install a defibrillator at Everest base camp.

[John Holmberg]

Hey, good idea.

[Brett]

The world's highest defibrillator. Just over 16, 500ft. Three weeks.

[Brady]

That'll probably stand.

[Brett]

Three weeks after he got home, he found it. Already had the Beninus on a 30 year old French woman who had a heart attack. It saved her life.

[John Holmberg]

How about that? And actually Gary has corrected me. And Gary is 100, right. Smoking the Bank Bandit was the first anti hero rooting like we loved him. Not just kind of like looked at him and winked. Smokey was before Smokey was the bad guy or Bandit was the bad guy.

[Brett]

I think though the moonshiner movies, I mean there's ones before that. They're always the.

[Brady]

They were just running Coors.

[John Holmberg]

Well, but they were breaking the law.

[Brett]

I remember.

[John Holmberg]

But you didn't have an anti hero that took off in name and memory. Memory, yes. White. Like the Bandit that caught America to the point where like we love. I'm gonna dress like the Bandit and I want his car and I want all the stuff. They weren't criminals. They were, I mean, drugstore cowboy criminals. Drugstore cowboys in like the 2000s.

[Brady]

No, it wasn't. That was in the 70s.

[John Holmberg]

Drugstore Cowboy. Gus Van Zandt. No, no, that's Midnight Cowboy or Midnight Cowboy.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And that wasn't rooting for an anti hero. That was just too freaky. Characters, character things, they weren't like breaking the law. Like Bonnie and Clyde were kind of anti heroes that people rooted for. But they got theirs.

[Brady]

And you knew that story by the time the movies.

[John Holmberg]

No, the mob kind of always had that. But it was later like nobody rooted for Al Capone to get away. The Italians did.

[Brett]

But we have an AI company that's filed for bankruptcy. I believe it's builder AI Microsoft. Microsoft backed the company originally with 1.5 billion. And it was to work on their neural network. It discovered that the 1.5 billion. The cash was going towards a workforce of over 700 Indian engineers rather than AI Really?

[John Holmberg]

People are now firing off all their Clint Eastwood in every which way but loose. I thought he was a good guy.

[Brady]

I thought he was a good guy too. He wasn't doing any criminal enterprise other.

[John Holmberg]

Than toting that orangutan.

[Brett]

Yeah, the tow truck. Was he a tow? Is that what his business was?

[John Holmberg]

I think he was.

[Brady]

No, that was the Jeff. What was his name? His co star. And that had the tow truck and.

[Brett]

He borrowed it from him.

[John Holmberg]

I don't remember that. That doesn't matter. Yeah, if we can't remember, it doesn't count. Right.

[Brady]

Another guy says John, don't forget Bow and Luke Duke could not own firearms. That's why they had the archery. Because of their criminal backgrounds they couldn't.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. Forgot about that. That's why they had to get so good at archery is because they weren't allowed to have handguns or firearms. That's right. Because the ATF was all over them. They were terrible.

[Brett]

This 81 year old woman Lives in Ocala, Florida. Was arrested last week for pepper spraying her neighbor. Neighbors including the woman and her two young girls, ages 3 and 6. They were pepper sprayed because the lady, the 81 year old lady, was upset at the way what they were doing with bubbles. Oh, sort of playing with bubbles out in the yard.

[John Holmberg]

I don't like that.

[Brett]

They were maybe going floating into her.

[John Holmberg]

She was 81. Yeah, yeah. Pretty close to being being influenced by the wizard of Oz in like a bad way. Dumb generation. She thought bubbles made witches. Probably stayed away from that.

[Brett]

Finally, goldfish crackers will have a new flavor this month called awesome sauce. Maybe our guy Steve, the cookie man from Pepperidge Farm.

[John Holmberg]

Maybe. I don't know.

[Christopher Titus]

There you go.

[Brady]

When you call him out by name, he kind of puts him under some.

[John Holmberg]

He's such a Jesus. I know. I'm gonna give you some freezos.

[Brett]

It's supposed to be similar to the hamburger sauce. The special sauce that you put on hamburgers. Sweet and smoky and tangy. They say it's impossible to resist.

[John Holmberg]

Got a text from a guy who says I don't know history too well. Wasn't Anne Frank kind of an anti. I'm like what are you talking about? Which side were you on? On what? Was she an anti hero? I don't know history all too well. I thought she was kind of high. She was hiding. Not cuz she was getting away with something. Depends on who you ask. No, she's not an anti hero. She's a hero hero. She's representative of millions of heroes. Geez Louise. Read a book. Book. Go on.

[Brett]

Got a few Brady videos. The first one is a historical fun fact. Oh, from January 24, 1961.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Brady]

Oh, hang on.

[Christopher Titus]

Johnson Air Force Base. When a fuel leak caused the right wing to fail. As the bomber fell apart, the bombs dropped to the ground.

[John Holmberg]

Is this real?

[Christopher Titus]

Each bomb had a yield of 3 to 4 megawatts. Over 250 times the power of the Hiroshima bomb. One bomb deployed its parachute and landed intact. The other plummeted into a muddy field with several of its safety mechanisms failing. Incredibly, three of four safety switches malfunctioned. And only a single low voltage switch prevented a catastrophic nuclear detonation. We dropped out most of eastern North Carolina.

[John Holmberg]

North Carolina reset here.

[Brady]

It'll explain.

[Christopher Titus]

The US government kept the near disaster secret for decades. In 2013, a declassified report finally confirmed what had long been rumored.

[John Holmberg]

That we dropped two nukes on North Carolina once.

[Christopher Titus]

1961, a B52 bomber carrying two nuclear bombs.

[John Holmberg]

May I ask this question why was a B52 bomber carrying two nuclear bombs over North Carolina to begin with? Shouldn't we be trucking those from place to place?

[Brady]

January 24, 1960.

[Brett]

Great idea.

[John Holmberg]

John.

[Brett]

John.

[Brady]

Bay of Pigs. Was that 61?

[John Holmberg]

Was that 62 closing in on that? Ah, but still, it's North Carolina. We could have driven that to Miami in a couple of days. It was October. Maybe that.

[Brady]

Well, that's where the Air Force base was.

[John Holmberg]

January of 61. We didn't have the Bay of P. Or we didn't even have the. The 13 days in October.

[Brady]

October, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

10 months later.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

When we were worried about nukes in Cuba.

[Brady]

Well, you make a bomb, John, you got to transport it somewhere, right?

[John Holmberg]

Train, trains, trucks. So in case it falls off. It's only a few feet. I don't think many nukes.

[Brett]

Three out of four safety switches.

[John Holmberg]

I didn't know we had safety switches on them. And repeaters to boot. We dropped two nukes on North Carolina and they didn't go out. Could you imagine just sitting in your backyard barbecuing? You're like, what the hell is that? Parachuting in. It was a nuclear warhead.

[Brett]

There's so many things. It was fortunate. Fortunate landing in a field B52 bombers.

[John Holmberg]

Just floating around the NC. How about that.

[Brett]

Next one is in China, and they like doing these things.

[John Holmberg]

Where they have swings over giants caverns.

[Brett]

Yeah. This is this, the spinny thing where you have two squares and you turn.

[John Holmberg]

Into one that twist and it's over a cliff. But the views are beautiful. While you're being tortured for your crypto password. This is a dumb ride. This dude's coming off. This doesn't look safe. No, I don't trust any Chinese people who still wear those hats. Oh, he's done. It fell off. He's gone. It just untwisted itself from the moorings, and it's gone. And the guy in the little coolie hat, who is dressed the most racist Chinese way I've ever seen. If you went to a Chinese restaurant, the guy was dressed like that, they'd shut it down.

[Brett]

They're like Kung Fu Panda.

[John Holmberg]

This thing isn't even spinning. It's like a screen door with a guy trapped in it. And the Chinese are loving it. Until now. Bye, population problem solve. Wow.

[Brett]

This is the definition of stick a poker up a hot. Red hot poker up grass.

[John Holmberg]

This next video, this is the definition of that phrase. You barely said an example. This is an example, okay, of like a red hot poker, right? Oh, it's that In a guy's butt.

[Brett]

That guy was Hunt.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, it was a guy hunched over in one of those, like an I beam that's still being processed. So it's molten right through him. Just liquefied. The dude in China.

[Brady]

Oh, he's okay.

[John Holmberg]

No, he's not.

[Brady]

He's. Well, he's moving.

[John Holmberg]

It's not okay day. I'd rather be dead than have molten hot steel brush up against my nut sack. I don't even like getting grazed in the nuts, let alone an I beam that's in the process going through it.

[Brady]

Well, Dr. Lee's got a new method.

[John Holmberg]

Well, good news is he can get divorced now because he's impotent.

[Brett]

Gotta check, gotta check.

[John Holmberg]

No, I ain't looking at that. That's gonna look like burnt bacon. Sorry, China. I'll write you check. Titus is coming in. He's here. He's in the kitchen. What's he doing here already?

[Brady]

I think he likes coming in early.

[John Holmberg]

I see him. Did he drive himself again?

[Brady]

No, Brad's with him.

[John Holmberg]

Okay, good. We'll talk to Titus.

[Brady]

Have some coffee, boys.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, Christopher, Titus is here. We'll talk to Brett one more time before he's all done out there on 83rd Avenue and Camelback at the Safeway for Operation Hydration. Christopher Titus joins us next. It's 98 morning sickness. 98. Can you home birds? Morning sickness. Brett's out there this morning and no correlation whatsoever to that song. Also, the word today for the man cave upgrade to text in to try to win that thing is Maryvale. Maryvale is today's word for the man cave upgrade. 97936. Text away. See if you can qualify. Get yourself $50 gift card to Vaughn Hansen's Meet and spirit. Spirits and into the drawing for the amazing man cave upgrade, which includes a pool table, ping pong table, air hockey. You get 200 gift certificate. You get the smoker 200 gift certificate to Twin Peaks. You get the floor coating from Wise Coatings. You get the game day men's health thousand dollar gift certificate. It's unbelievable what we're giving away this year and that's awesome. So Maryvale is today's Word. Why is it today's word? Because that's where Brett is standing for Operation Hydration. Today. Brett is in Maryvale, 83rd Avenue and Camelback and hopefully doing very well with envelopes and drop offs and water donations for Operation Hydration. Brett, how's it going? That's good.

[Byron]

You should have made the word scary.

[John Holmberg]

Not Maryvale One and the same but.

[Byron]

Yeah, no, we're doing good out here. Everybody's. Everybody's being very generous. Breaking my balls the entire time. But it's all good because we're doing it for a good cause. A to Z, Poop Scoop. Stop by. Donated, like, 15 cases of water. So thanks to them, ALS, Matt stopped by.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Byron]

He. He swung in and dropped off 40 bucks to go.

[John Holmberg]

To go buy something. Wait a minute. Did he give it to you? Did you take it out of his pocket? No, no, no.

[Byron]

He actually had his daughter with him, and she got it out of the wallet.

[John Holmberg]

Okay, good. Yeah, somebody swiped it. He. Was he putting up a fit there? He can't really speak anymore, so. So maybe he didn't want to do this.

[Byron]

No, no, he was good about it. He was totally good about it.

[John Holmberg]

Okay. All right.

[Byron]

And I got Joey V Standing here. He's. He's made a donation. And plus, he's got some. Got some Steeler memorabilia he wants to give you. So I'll be bringing that back to the station.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, Joey V. His wife.

[Byron]

Yeah, his wife's making him get rid of it, apparently.

[John Holmberg]

What in the world?

[Byron]

Kind of. I don't know. Wanna talk to him? Why?

[John Holmberg]

Yell at him? No, because I'm worried that I'm gonna catch what he has and I have to give away my things. What is his wife making? Wait a minute.

[Byron]

Yeah, I don't know.

[John Holmberg]

And get him on the phone. That's bad.

[Brett]

Moj.

[John Holmberg]

I got a guest here. But this. I can't take this. Hello, Joey, I'll gladly take your stuff off your hands, but why is your wife making you give away your passion?

[Byron]

Well, they. I. I fought it for quite some time. That she. She ultimately tends to win.

[John Holmberg]

She holds the vagina hostage. That's why this is hostage negotiat. Is she saying that she won't sleep with you if you keep the Steeler stuff?

[Byron]

What's that?

[John Holmberg]

Is she taking away vagina? No, no, no, no, no.

[Byron]

Is she re. Redoing the kitchen? So, you know, they've been there. I'm grateful. They've been in there for a year or two.

[John Holmberg]

So what.

[Brett]

What are we talking about?

[John Holmberg]

She might be right. Why did you decorate your Steelers kitchen?

[Brett]

Steelers kitchenaid mixer?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. What is it in there? No, no, they're.

[Byron]

They're cool little statues. One is for the Steelers. The other one is iceberg for the Penguins and the pirate parrot.

[John Holmberg]

And you thought that the kitchen was the best place for this stuff? Absolutely. Okay.

[Byron]

They looked great, but she had. She had. She had another opinion.

[Brett]

Well, Joey, don't.

[John Holmberg]

Hold on. Don't get. I am, too. I think she might be right. Don't give them away. Move them.

[Byron]

Yeah, I don't think that's going to work out.

[John Holmberg]

You're in trouble. You've done some overcooked it. My guess is Joey's been in trouble in the past, and he's just like, I'm not going down. Okay, I gotcha. All right, Joey. All right. Give the phone back to Brett. You worry me, but I could put a.

[Brett]

You could put a witch hat on items, and they're kitchen witches.

[John Holmberg]

My thought is, Joey's been caught with his. He's been caught with his Gomar. And there's no chance he can argue with her anymore without fear of her bringing that up. So. So she's got an ace upper sleeve. These look great. There's no way. Yeah, there's no way. Joey's like, all right, all right, all right. Get rid of my Steelers crap. Just don't bring up the girl. All right? Anyway, you know what?

[Brett]

At least he's like, I'm gonna give them to you. Yeah, but you have to promise me they go in the kitchen.

[John Holmberg]

If I give away my Steelers. I'm telling you right now, if I give away my Steelers, you can't mention a girl ever again. I want you. And I watch you son of a. All right, never mind, Brett, you're in Maryville. Expect this kind of domestic violence to occur there and again. To her credit, the kitchen is not for your sports memorabilia. She might be right. All right, Bert's out there for a little while longer. Safeway, 83rd Avenue, and Camelback. All the fun stuff, free things, he's giving it away. And good job, Brett. You survived Maryville. Well, it's not over yet. Let's not jinx it. We'll get you back here, all right? Thank you, Brett. We'll talk to you in a little bit.

[Byron]

All right, See you.

[John Holmberg]

There you go. Safeway, 83rd Avenue, and Camelback. Drop off your donation of water for Operation Hydration from the Phoenix Rescue Mission. Titus is next.

[Christopher Titus]

Hey, it's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually.

[John Holmberg]

No membership fee. I have heard enough of this morning sickness. You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself. He's evil. Sitting right here. Come on.

[Christopher Titus]

No, no, he's not.

[John Holmberg]

He's not evil. He's just a bit rude. 98 a year of. Oh, now you've started. Me, I'm already pissed off, but I've.

[Christopher Titus]

Also laughed a lot. Yeah, I could leave I thought. I thought, damn, I wish we were on air.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Could have taped all that. That was fun. We could rehash it because it's a never ending topic. Christopher Titus is here. He's at Desert Ridge Improv tonight.

[Christopher Titus]

New show. Another new show. Doomed to repeat. Oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Brand new hour again.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah.

[Brett]

A fact.

[John Holmberg]

Somebody.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I didn't know. I wrote it before the election. I thought it was going to be a hark back to like, oh, this could have happened.

[John Holmberg]

Right?

[Christopher Titus]

And then it happened and, oh, God, it happened now. So now I'm a prophet. Oh, Nostratitis has shown up and is basically bringing the future. No. I found out my family's been in America since 1635.

[John Holmberg]

So you burned witches and we own nothing.

[Christopher Titus]

Like, we literally showed up when you could pick gold from the streets. And the Titus was like, I got a bottle of wine and these native people are sexy as hell. We were drunk in the bushes all the time, mixing so many opportunities.

[John Holmberg]

There's something to be said for consistency.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah. We did start Titusville, Florida. I found out.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you told me that last time. I think you said you had. Titusville, Florida is on the map because of the Titus family.

[Christopher Titus]

We are so responsible for Florida.

[John Holmberg]

Yes. And that makes sense to me. There's a lot of Titus in Florida and a lot of Florida and Titus. Sorry.

[Christopher Titus]

Thanks, man. Now I'm okay. It's good to be on the show. Thanks for having me back. And so we were like 45 seconds.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, but how's that insulting? It's a beautiful area filled with one wonderful people.

[Christopher Titus]

They are. They're.

[John Holmberg]

Are they.

[Christopher Titus]

I just did it. I just did it.

[John Holmberg]

Of course you have to say that.

[Christopher Titus]

And I got. And I made it home.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Christopher Titus]

That's how you feel about Florida. I made it home.

[John Holmberg]

I got out. It's fun to visit. I don't want to stay. It's like Vegas without all the Vegas. Titus is also at Stand Up Live Friday, Saturday. Yeah. No roi. Vegas. Yeah. It's pretty good. You're back here once again. You got your new hour. You're doing all that stuff. Life is good, I assume Not Sure. You got your little dog.

[Christopher Titus]

Got my little boy chaplains with us. Rachel is coming. Rachel signed up to be a social. She's doing this thing called Casa, where she represents kids in the foster system. She's there and she just took that on comedically. That's what I thought. I was like, what are we doing?

[John Holmberg]

She's a comedian.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah, she's a comedian, but she always was Gonna be. She's got a criminal justice background and she just wants to always do her part. Not for me, but for everybody else. She's like, you know, since you have extra time. What if I was taken?

[John Holmberg]

Isn't that like your ex wife? Wasn't she doing a lot for other people too?

[Christopher Titus]

Yes. Mike said that a couple. Yeah. She was representing other people, but.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Christopher Titus]

But not officially ex, right?

[John Holmberg]

Exactly. Unofficially. So it wasn't like an organization.

[Christopher Titus]

She's doing great. She's coming in and do. She's going to do Friday, Saturday, Sunday. She's fantastic to film her special in October. And I'm doing Desert Ridge tonight and then stand up. But the new show's great, man. It's got. There's a bit on immigration I do at the end that gets me getting standing ovations.

[John Holmberg]

Beautiful.

[Christopher Titus]

In North Dakota. It got sent him. Which is really weird, you know.

[John Holmberg]

Wow.

[Christopher Titus]

Because I just figured that if my family's been in 400 years that I'm an OG American.

[John Holmberg]

Sure. You're one of them.

[Christopher Titus]

Them. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. You were here before it was America.

[Christopher Titus]

Not me, but my people.

[John Holmberg]

Yes. Well, you've been around. You've been around for a while.

[Christopher Titus]

Do you know there's no. Like. So I did a DNA test. I had to do a D10s. I swear. I didn't have to do a DNA test. There was no. There was court ordered DNA test. There was no.

[John Holmberg]

I'm not shocked by that.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah. There was no. Waitress showed up with a baby with a giant head and Gary Busey teeth. That didn't happen again. Ah, damn it, Brittany. So. And. And I found out that I, like, I'm super white. Like I'm. I'm whiter than you. Like, I don't. No, dude. I'm 40% Irish. Sorry. Sorry. 11% Irish, 40% Scottish, 40% English, 3% Finnish, 3% Welsh, 2% German. And I guess 1% paper plate. My God.

[John Holmberg]

There's no pigment in this day.

[Christopher Titus]

The Tituses didn't rape any slaves.

[John Holmberg]

Not one.

[Christopher Titus]

Not one.

[John Holmberg]

No one danced against the dark.

[Christopher Titus]

I guess we only slept with people you could see in the dark. We get that jellyfish DNA too. God.

[John Holmberg]

God.

[Christopher Titus]

And so it was just weird to be the whitest guy ever. Man. I keep getting recruitment letters from the clan. So I read them. I. Correct.

[John Holmberg]

Did your DNA test start with 100%? Wow.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah. It was just this.

[John Holmberg]

We've never seen this before.

[Christopher Titus]

They're like, this isn't real.

[John Holmberg]

Is worried that it's.

[Christopher Titus]

Please retest. Please retest.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Speaking of milk. Did you see that? We're changing the name of Boats because we don't name him after gay guys anymore.

[Christopher Titus]

Oh my God. Can this guy, could this guy be more. You know, those gay. You know, Hexess hits me as that guy that just hates gay people for no reason. You mean a guy that doesn't know any gay people?

[John Holmberg]

But then Brady, he's laughing, man.

[Christopher Titus]

But you know the people like, dude, why are you so first gay people? Cuz it's gross, man. We go, well then don't think about it. How do you not think about it? Oh, that sexy man on man snuggling man. It's just gross. Yeah, but. Okay, all right, but. But men don't bleed seven days a month, right? Which means they can have sex all the time. Time, every day, forever and ever. Just constant banging and banging and banging and banging. Dude, are you okay?

[Brett]

No.

[Christopher Titus]

Those players know they're supposed to push your true feelings down. You're supposed to lock it up, man. Be with someone you're not. Then when you're 11, your dad takes your sister's Barbies away and he makes you join the football team. Then you become a man who gets to slam into other men.

[John Holmberg]

I like that you're hillbillies. One good thing is the blood barrier. That means you have to stop for a week. That caught me hard. Know this guy, he had a blood bear. The gays don't have that because it's non stop.

[Christopher Titus]

That's the upside I have. Hey man, there's an upside.

[John Holmberg]

I think they should change.

[Christopher Titus]

That's why I bought a Silverado with a lift kit and I hung a giant fake pair of men's balls from the trailer heads. Wait, so you like balls? No, my truck has balls. I like them other things. You mean vaginas?

[John Holmberg]

Don't talk about it. Looks like a half cut tomato.

[Christopher Titus]

Don't say the word.

[John Holmberg]

The. I think they should take the name away from that boat. The milk boat. Because it's a.

[Christopher Titus]

It's a. It's a fuel boat.

[John Holmberg]

It's a tiny boat. Either tugboat or a destroyer. Because Harvey was a size queen, it's insulting to give him a tin. A size queen's a dude who like Biggins.

[Christopher Titus]

Oh, did he? Did he? Harvey Milk? Yeah. I didn't know that.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. You. You didn't watch the movie.

[Christopher Titus]

Well, I didn't love the big one I watched. Not the movie. I didn't. I wasn't.

[John Holmberg]

And you've met a gay, right?

[Christopher Titus]

Do the research that you've done on Wikipedia.

[John Holmberg]

You've met homosexuals, right? None of them go, you big one.

[Christopher Titus]

I just know. Know what? I know because wouldn't that be just a normal like a regular. I just don't. By the way.

[John Holmberg]

Wait a minute, wait, just finish that.

[Christopher Titus]

Wouldn't a biggin be like anybody who like someone who likes Brady would be.

[John Holmberg]

No, no, no, no, that's a bear.

[Christopher Titus]

That's a bear.

[Brett]

I don't know.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, we'll teach it. So yeah, Harvey liked the big, you know, he liked the big two handed.

[Christopher Titus]

He's going to get some education.

[John Holmberg]

That's right.

[Christopher Titus]

He big. And he likes a very large penis. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

[John Holmberg]

Like a big one.

[Christopher Titus]

That's across the board.

[John Holmberg]

You think so? But women are always like, no, it.

[Brett]

Just has to be just.

[John Holmberg]

They don't like them if they're too big or too small. Gay guys are like, like, no. If it doesn't have an engine.

[Christopher Titus]

Why did his voice change so much?

[John Holmberg]

Scares me. No, no, man. The gays only enjoy the large people. No, I, I have gay neighbors and I've never once been at a gay guy's party. Go. I like the little one.

[Christopher Titus]

I come in here.

[John Holmberg]

That's what the gay guys always say. No, but I've been at my, I've been at my neighbor's pool parties and all of them are like, love huge stuff.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And they won't shut up about it. Like girls probably do it when we're not around. But the gay guys are like, no, get that little like bat it away.

[Christopher Titus]

You know, like we had a lot of fly swatter. A lot of. We had gay writers on the show. And it's funny how gay people like to talk. Especially on straight people that like a push, you know, they're like, yeah, no. And then he bent me over like, hey, hey, hey. I don't think about how normal people have sex.

[John Holmberg]

Right.

[Christopher Titus]

Not. Sorry, not normal people.

[John Holmberg]

That was wrong.

[Christopher Titus]

That was a mistake. Straight people have sex. Yeah. Well, good to be here.

[Brett]

We got insurance.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, we're insurance.

[Christopher Titus]

Becoming a welder now because it's over. That's not what I meant. I just don't think about how anybody else has sex. I think about how I have sex and that's it. Can you imagine like just being. Just being lost like you what? Like you're just obsessing about your straight friends. Just be like, oh look.

[John Holmberg]

Oh my God, look at Mike and.

[Christopher Titus]

Grace sitting there, man. Yeah, you know damn well he puts his purple pony, man, I bet they slime and stink all over each other, man. They probably use other holes. I can't stop thinking about it. I just don't get it.

[Brett]

I think they think it's also contagious. Like if I'm hanging around it.

[John Holmberg]

Well, that's. That's not think. That's knowing deep down if they're around it too much, they might fall in.

[Christopher Titus]

If you. Listen, if you. If you care so much about people you don't know, living their life the way they want to and not bothering you, you're suspect something's wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And plus his hair, like, man, you.

[Christopher Titus]

Are too perfectly gelled.

[John Holmberg]

I worry too much when people can't, like, make fun of me of it. Or like. Like when you say the irregulars, you call the gays the irregulars. And I'm with you on that. Like, if you can't make fun of it and like. Like pull the stick out of your ass. And I know if you're gay, you probably like it there, but pull the stick out of your ass and just have a laugh. Oh, they don't like the little ones like a broomstick. But I just like, you know, look, if you can't have a laugh and it makes you sick, like, I think of fat people, I much rather blow a dude than bang a disgusting, fat, unkept person.

[Christopher Titus]

Okay, well, I'm glad that's on air.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah, I've said it. But there's plenty of things I'd say that.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah, really. I've been here before.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Christopher Titus]

There's nothing.

[John Holmberg]

Loads of that.

[Brett]

It's gonna happen soon.

[Christopher Titus]

But I.

[John Holmberg]

Look, the way the world's devolving, I might end up doing that. Just be like, whatever to keep me out of this mess.

[Christopher Titus]

Well, you know what's weird is it, like, why I just don't understand in 2025, how can you hate anybody? Life's too hard. How do you have that free time to be a racist? To be. Be homophobic?

[John Holmberg]

You know, I mean, maybe we're the generation that changes. We don't get more racist as we get older. We get more tolerant because we just have time.

[Christopher Titus]

Exactly.

[John Holmberg]

You know, it's hard.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah, whatever. Yeah, whatever.

[John Holmberg]

Do what you do. Gross. Yuck.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah. I don't want to see pictures. Don't.

[John Holmberg]

That's.

[Christopher Titus]

Don't text me a picture.

[John Holmberg]

I'd rather be gay. And that's gross to me. I think what gay guys do is gross, but I don't care.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah, I don't think about that too much, by the way. I don't. I don't even think it's gross. Just whatever. If that. Oh, it's gross, dude. If that, if that, if that. It's gross. Listen, come on.

[John Holmberg]

It's gross. I could show you mine right now and you'd be like, that's gross. I'm not. Right.

[Christopher Titus]

There's a comic. Forget her name. Very funny. Comic. She said something, she goes, women have to take care of, of their feet, man. Men's feet look like root vegetables. I was like, that's, that's accurate. Yeah, we're gross. Men are just gross across the board. I mean, that's what I think. That's what I think about gay people. Gay good dudes. It's like, like, it's like, wait, so men are. We, we stink. We, we're, we're disgusting. We, we're, we, we think we're smart, then we're stupid. We're angry all the time. Everything that was horrible in the world was created by men. And you find us attractive.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Christopher Titus]

I guess that proves it's not a choice.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Yeah. So true. My gay neighbors told me one of them told me something called the chocolate LeBaron.

[Brett]

It's not, it was a story.

[John Holmberg]

Christopher Leanback. So when he was a new gay.

[Christopher Titus]

Just the name.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, when he was a new gay.

[Brett]

And when.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, it's horrible. He learned the.

[Christopher Titus]

Oh, God, here we go.

[John Holmberg]

Well, just look, it's a fun, It's a chat. A couple guys talking.

[Christopher Titus]

The chocolate LeBaron. Okay.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, it gets good. So he.

[Christopher Titus]

Is Ricardo Montaban involved in this?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Rich Corinthians and leather. Oh, no. So. Oh, no. So he's, he's a young gay who's decided, I'm going to be a. I'm just going for it. Right.

[Christopher Titus]

I'm in.

[John Holmberg]

So he's got this guy and he realized that there's techniques before, like, because.

[Christopher Titus]

I, I, it's like the X Games of gay is what you're saying.

[John Holmberg]

He's, he's the Squid game. This dude is like, red light, green light, and there is blood and murder. So he's going, he was like, truck stopping for a minute and like, just, just getting used to it. He said, but you learn that, you know when you're going to do that, you have to practice, prepare for it. I'm like, that's what I was asking. Like, how do you prepare for this? So he got with some guy and he's like, get. They start going, get in my car. Like they're having at each other in the parking lot. They get in the car and he starts going, it's a LeBaron. And they're in the back seat. And he said that the entire interior of this car was white leather and like a car, right? And he said he's hitting. And he goes. And they're just going at it. And he goes. There's lube and all sorts of. He's slipping all over. And he goes. I put my hand up on the. The roof is the. Of the ceiling of the car. And he's bracing. Yeah, you got to brace yourself, Brady. Good traction. And he starts going. He realizes, like, there's something horrible happening here. And he looks up at the thing and there's just handprints. This dude was just letting loose the whole time and creating the chocolate Le Baron. He looked around, he's like, it was just a scene of it. So, yes, back to circle back. It is gross improv tonight.

[Christopher Titus]

And then I'm going to be stand up. So we always say Sunday, I'm going to be crying on a lot of my show. There'll be a lot of tears.

[John Holmberg]

Thinking of the. If you walk by a LeBaron ever again, because every time I've seen one and they're rare, you're like, oh, I wonder if that's the one. Is that the hat?

[Christopher Titus]

That's weird, man.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. So we. We joke about the hair because it.

[Christopher Titus]

Ended up on a used car lot. That car ended up on a used car lot. What's with the roof and the handprints? Yeah, we couldn't get those out.

[John Holmberg]

Just the stitching was still a little brown. They scrubbed all the stuff up the.

[Brett]

Top missing on the pinstripe.

[John Holmberg]

The chocolate.

[Christopher Titus]

Why?

[Brett]

I don't want to learn things.

[Christopher Titus]

I know. I.

[John Holmberg]

It's just like, too early.

[Christopher Titus]

This is like the worst version of Sesame street ever.

[Brett]

Next up, rosebud.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Oh, the rose butt. Don't even ask about what's the rose. Rose butt's. When your butt. Actually the inside butt comes out, you pro. And they. And that's like a goal. And then they play with that. I got videos of that.

[Brett]

I'm only two years ahead of you, Elements.

[Christopher Titus]

So listen, listen. Just. The jokes are going to work as the tears. The jokes will work, right?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. But that's what I think about. And I always tell Brady because he's a lot more sheltered in life and probably better. Rose colored glasses are a better way to live.

[Christopher Titus]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

You don't have them and I don't have them.

[Christopher Titus]

I just don't want to know.

[John Holmberg]

We see the world for what it is.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah. But there's things you can't forget now.

[John Holmberg]

Rosebud. And so Rosebud you'll never forget. In your audience tonight will be. A small percentage of them will go home in rows. But on purpose.

[Christopher Titus]

Oh, my God.

[John Holmberg]

On purpose.

[Christopher Titus]

Is this that Brady Bunch episode where you imagine people in their underwear?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Christopher Titus]

Is that. Whatever I get with.

[John Holmberg]

That's how you do it. Public speaking.

[Christopher Titus]

I'm gonna get to the new bit. I'm just gonna. Everyone's Everybody's rose button. If I just imagine them all. Rosebudding.

[Brett]

I can't take them serious picture of chocolate LeBaron.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, God. Just all of them covered in the chocolate LeBaron.

[Christopher Titus]

The chocolate LeBaron sounds like something that. Like a 70s funny car would be named.

[John Holmberg]

The Black Driver. The Black Driver.

[Brett]

T shirt, hot ride, ghoul hanging out.

[John Holmberg]

Now Shirley Mal Downey takes on Leroy.

[Christopher Titus]

Did not go the way I wanted it to go this morning.

[John Holmberg]

Leroy T. Williams and the chocolate LeBaron out there taking on Mul Downey. I'mma win this race, man. I'm whip this woman's ass. Chocolate LeBaron got big chocolate.

[Christopher Titus]

The Baron going to win the championship.

[John Holmberg]

When I'm going to take a trophy. You had the Chocolate Le Baron in your ass, fool. I don't think that Leroy T. Williams is an actual racer, but I wish he was.

[Christopher Titus]

Sorry. There was a dude named Willie T. Rich.

[John Holmberg]

Willie T. Ribs. We know Willie T. My dad.

[Christopher Titus]

My dad was like, I feel like I'm racist just watching this now. Just the guy's name.

[John Holmberg]

You know what? I watched yesterday and I don't know how people haven't been canceled even now. And one of them has. I saw an old Fat Albert episode. If I drew those characters perfectly and put them on my desk, I'd lose my job.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

There. Like whoever was drawing Fat Albert.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

I didn't realize it until today.

[Christopher Titus]

I want to get a picture of that because, God, is it the whitest guy ever. That'd be the dude who drew it. How about the voices?

[John Holmberg]

They were all built.

[Christopher Titus]

Yikes. Yikes.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, You. You look at a picture.

[Christopher Titus]

We found out later that Bill Koch was horribly racist, though we found out later.

[John Holmberg]

Well, he had some issues.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah, but don't you remember? Let's take. Let's take the. Let's take that one. The horrible.

[John Holmberg]

The rape. Let's eliminate rape.

[Christopher Titus]

Let's take the raping aside and just talk about how he would just lecture black people. He'd go speak at a black thing and be like, you gotta pull. You. You got to Pull your pants up, you say? Cause you can't be having the pants down because. And like, dude, are you. Are you literally at a jazz festival lecturing black people?

[Brett]

What do you.

[Christopher Titus]

You doing? What are you doing?

[John Holmberg]

Did you put your pants back on or. If the pants come down, you better make it useful.

[Christopher Titus]

And you got to learn to speak the English. Like, what, do we talk like you now?

[John Holmberg]

Jeez, Lizabeth, speaking the English, like, Camille said that you do. Pull the pants up.

[Christopher Titus]

Camille. By the way, Camille is just best wife ever and just biding her time.

[John Holmberg]

You think it's a long time. She's waiting. He's hanging on.

[Christopher Titus]

It is Camille thought. My wife always says evil lasts forever. Good people go.

[John Holmberg]

I think that's true.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah. It's kind of weird.

[John Holmberg]

Is that. The funny thing is, Camille probably got the call he's getting out because he's at home. Camille. I can't see like he wants, but she's got a weight on him hand and foot. Look at Camille.

[Christopher Titus]

Put your hand on the glass. We did the Midnight Express.

[John Holmberg]

Put your boobs up.

[Christopher Titus]

There's Midnight Express. Me?

[John Holmberg]

Just a little. Put your feet on the glass.

[Christopher Titus]

See, now you're right. This is the.

[John Holmberg]

Look at the drawings, and that's a pretty good one. But Mushrooms, mouth and Rudy and, like, the. The drawings are ridiculously racist. Like, it's 1930s racism. And.

[Christopher Titus]

But because it was Cosby.

[John Holmberg]

Cosby, and it was. Okay. And somehow or another, people, like, no big deal. You look at it now. I'm like, if I do.

[Christopher Titus]

But I just. I just. Okay, so here's what I just got. I just got as. Because I loved oh, the Best. Got up every Saturday morning. I watched it. It just got that it colored my thinking of color people forever. Of course. That's who they are.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yes.

[Christopher Titus]

They live in junkyards. A little kid go, is this. Yeah. They all. They play in junkyards and they walk the streets in the worst neighborhood possible. They don't live anywhere but the worst neighborhood.

[John Holmberg]

That's right.

[Christopher Titus]

You're absolutely right.

[John Holmberg]

Wow.

[Christopher Titus]

Fat Albert was horrible.

[John Holmberg]

It was horrible indoctrination.

[Brady]

Like.

[Christopher Titus]

Like a Nazi propaganda cartoon.

[John Holmberg]

I watched one the other day, and I'm like, how was.

[Christopher Titus]

Is this a thing?

[Brett]

Randy Haller was the animator. I don't know.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know if he's wide or back. But they made the movie in the 2000s. We still were, like, nostalgic for Fat Albert. When you watch it, it's like, oh, my. Oh.

[Christopher Titus]

But we see now what people are so nostalgic.

[John Holmberg]

Anything like that. But yeah, it's crazy. Like, it's just a bunch of kids in a junkyard eating scraps and blowing on radiators. And then we're like, that's awesome. That's probably pretty accurate.

[Christopher Titus]

Of course, that's how black people are.

[John Holmberg]

God, what'd we learn today? Like, that you gu all poor. And scene.

[Christopher Titus]

I wonder if Cosby ever looks back and goes, that was a mistake.

[John Holmberg]

That might have set our movement back.

[Christopher Titus]

Maybe the Huxtables. He's a doctor.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. That was to make good.

[Christopher Titus]

Someone. Someone took him aside and was, hey, man, you got to fix this Fat Albert thing. You got to balance it with the universe. Is totally.

[John Holmberg]

Like, I didn't see. I'm a doctor.

[Christopher Titus]

Is a gynecologist that works in his basement, and everybody has to have a drink.

[John Holmberg]

Here's the other thing. I didn't see the series finale of Fat Albert, but there is a chance I'm going to Harvard. And every like, oh, well, I make that there.

[Christopher Titus]

And then we fixed it.

[John Holmberg]

You have to rewrite it. Well, I'll go on Harvard, Fat Albert. I'm going harbor, too. They all got scholarships to Harvard.

[Christopher Titus]

There you go.

[John Holmberg]

And they all escaped the poverty. But, man, you watch that thing, and it is bad. And Buck Buck. When they play Buck Buck, which is the game where they jump over each other.

[Christopher Titus]

Great bit about Buck Buck.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you do.

[Christopher Titus]

There's a great. No bit. Cosby wrote a bit about Buck Buck.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, he did. Oh, that's right. I forgot about that.

[Christopher Titus]

I was a huge cosby fan.

[John Holmberg]

And 15 years ago, you got your little dog.

[Christopher Titus]

Chaplain Chaplin.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Named it Chaplain Knott's Carlin.

[Christopher Titus]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

There is a decent chance that you just missed the window. That Cosby would have been part of that tribute to.

[Christopher Titus]

To be clear, his name originally. Actually. It's actually.

[John Holmberg]

Sorry, the other one original name was Cosby Spacey since.

[Christopher Titus]

No, his last name was his last. Yeah, exactly. It was. It was not good. Pete Diddy. It was. It was. Yeah, yeah. Puff Doggy. And he. And so he was named. He was originally named Cosby. And then none of us knew Cosby was raping people, so we changed his name. Me and the dog was like, hey, dad, can we get this? It can't be my last name was.

[John Holmberg]

Really gonna be that.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah, it's actually his name. His chap. His chaplain. His chaplain. Not prior. Actually, we changed it.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, okay.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah, that's his name. And the other one's named Carlo. The other one.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, this one is not Kim Carlin.

[Christopher Titus]

Groucho. Groucho. Groucho is Groucho. Knots Carlin. He is. He is. Chaplin Ball Prior.

[John Holmberg]

Named after Lucy, the one that's here today. Yes. These are little.

[Christopher Titus]

Little Yorkies. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Adorable dog. And then 15 and just cool as can be.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah, he's. He's chill. He went and gotten back in his bag.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah. You guys. Well, you guys have just blown past. I don't even want to know what a rosebud is. I'm done. Oh, I'm going back. I'm going back and show me.

[John Holmberg]

All right, we're going to take a break. Titus, you can stick around.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

You state the whole morning. You're fine. We got nothing else to do. Christopher Titus here. Desert Ridge Improv tonight. If you want to go and stand up live tomorrow, Saturday and Sunday, Titus is with us. It's 98. Morning sickness. Medicate Bloomberg's morning sickness. You're the hole in the sheet. Anyway. That's a lot. Semantics. It's semantics.

[Christopher Titus]

I'm glad that people can't hear what we talk about when it's.

[John Holmberg]

There's supposed to be cameras in here and stuff. I won't allow it.

[Christopher Titus]

I've never been that close to vomiting.

[John Holmberg]

People are always like, we could sell the YouTube video. What you guys do between the breaks.

[Christopher Titus]

I'm like, we want to forget it. I don't want any records of how horrible you guys are.

[John Holmberg]

It's not. We're not horrible. You're here.

[Christopher Titus]

That's true.

[John Holmberg]

All of us are in on that. All right.

[Christopher Titus]

You can actually consider me doing the show a fetish.

[John Holmberg]

This should be a video for you.

[Christopher Titus]

You're actually right.

[John Holmberg]

Christopher Titus is here. Desert Ridge Improv tonight. You want to go Desert Ridge improv dot com. If you can't make it tonight, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. He's got you surrounded. Standuplive.com Downtown is where he's performing. And always a hilarious show. Like, you've got a new hour every time you're here. You're pretty much covering all new stuff every time. Time you're around. Right?

[Brett]

No rockets this time, though. Props. You had the stage the one year that was.

[Christopher Titus]

Oh, my God. We actually built a. We built a. Spent 2500 bucks, built a stage of rockets and stuff. And then we got it set up at the club to film the special. And I. I just said, this is horrible. And they all looked at me. And then my assistant goes, what? I go, take it down. He goes, we just. We just spent five days building this. I go, it's horrible.

[John Holmberg]

Was wrong with it.

[Christopher Titus]

It was just too big for the stage.

[John Holmberg]

Just a lot going on.

[Christopher Titus]

It was wrong. Yeah. Disappeared into it. And so then we ended up using just black panels on the wall and we put posters up and it was way better. But I, I, we spent a lot of money.

[John Holmberg]

Well, you know what? Sometimes throw it against the wall. Chocolate La Bear in the call.

[Christopher Titus]

Hey, we got a chocolate bear in this wall.

[John Holmberg]

Got a chocolate. The whole goddamn thinks like a chocolate. Yeah. Yeah. That's how. Yeah, you can't do that.

[Christopher Titus]

We're going to chocolate the bear in this whole thing.

[John Holmberg]

Comey will walk on the beach and say, chocolate La Bear 47. Drugs just replaces the chocolate.

[Christopher Titus]

47.

[John Holmberg]

It's a new thing.

[Christopher Titus]

God, what a horrible thing.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Christopher Titus]

The horror. People, I want you to listening right now. We're not going to tell you. He will. All the horror that we've talked about when we were. While the commercials were playing. But I, I'm going to need some help.

[John Holmberg]

Well, you have therapy.

[Christopher Titus]

I had a weird life and I need, I'm like, I'm, I've never been in on a radio show and thought, I'm going to puke. I'm going to puke like the stuff.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, that's not true. You sat there like, we'll be right back with more weather and tit. They'll be with us all day. Are you. Was there anything you ever found out about your family that like, even surprised you? Like, you went through kind of a lot as a kid. I saw your old show on Fox. You had a rough go.

[Christopher Titus]

I think the weirdest thing that ever happened to me was my dad, because my dad would just burn through women. Like, he had like whatever his DNA was, he had this genetic anomaly that basically attacked his happiness. Like autoimmune disease in his bank account because he was never. He would marry these great women and then he'd cheat on them every time. One night I go, did. Was it my mom that made you bitter towards women in the car? And he goes, no, it was my mom. Oh, geez. Yeah. Grant's so good. I don't even want to know what happened at this point. I wanted to. And so I guess Grandma Titus was. Grandma Titus was a lot. She was a lot.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Did you know her?

[Christopher Titus]

Whatever person. I did. Grandma Titus was the person. If you hugged Grandma Titus, she went. Stiffened up like a board. Like it was.

[Brett]

It burns.

[John Holmberg]

It burns.

[Christopher Titus]

She would. No, no. Literally just go.

[John Holmberg]

So what happened to grammatitis is another.

[Christopher Titus]

Well, again, she lasted. She, she was she got. Had dementia. She ended up in a. In a home. And she didn't never.

[John Holmberg]

She really.

[Christopher Titus]

She never really built a whole lot of following from the family. Like, she was not a lot of fans is what I'm saying. Not a lot of people buying her merch. And so she ended up in this home and nobody went to see her. You know, she was. But she wasn't. No, it's.

[John Holmberg]

But she deserved it.

[Christopher Titus]

She started the two you're saying she deserves.

[John Holmberg]

She started the whole thing. Nobody's buying her merch.

[Christopher Titus]

She earned it.

[John Holmberg]

She earned it.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

It was a loneliness well earned.

[Christopher Titus]

It was weird because as you see, the joke about it is like, you know, I don't think she had dementia. I just think she got tired of talking to people.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Christopher Titus]

It's like, mama, how you doing today? Words. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Words paper can't see, blah, blah, blah. Who are you? Better. You Good. Now just leave me alone.

[John Holmberg]

The bigger question is, what happened to her that caused that? The stiffening up. Like, what did her dad do?

[Christopher Titus]

I think it was my grandfather. So I found out. So as I. As I go through this DNA thing and I do the lineage of the Tituses, we. We've done nothing. Which is weird. No one. Like, we have just been the cogs in the wheel of America. I am the mo. Nothing. Well, the guy Robert Titus that came here, his brother Silas Titus, was actually in the court of King Charles Charles ii. But obviously my ancestor Robert Titus, he was like, we gotta get out of England. Right? Cause I did some stuff. My brother knows about it. Gotta go. So let's go take the worst journey we can on the Hopewell, which got stuck. And anyway, so my grandfather hung out with Slim Pickens. Was friends with Slim Pickens. My grandfather's one of these guys, and he was the best lovable guy. But my back hurts. I can't work. So Grandma Titus raised four kids and had a job.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

He was Grandpa Joe from Willy Wonka. They laid in the bed until there was a golden ticket.

[Brett]

Oh, there's a second set in there, too.

[John Holmberg]

Sure, sure. There's a lot of lazy grandparents. My point being is once the.

[Christopher Titus]

What was going on with the. There was the foot stuff.

[John Holmberg]

That is the weirdest setup.

[Christopher Titus]

It is. Yeah, it is. Even as a kid, I was like, this is weird. That's the child.

[John Holmberg]

The last thing I ever want to see is all of my grandparents in a bed together.

[Christopher Titus]

That's not normal.

[John Holmberg]

Unless it's like a.

[Christopher Titus]

So what happened? So here's.

[John Holmberg]

They agreed to kill themselves If I found them dead that way, I'd be like, this makes sense.

[Christopher Titus]

What is happening now?

[John Holmberg]

That is how I'd want to see it.

[Christopher Titus]

You have the place you go every time, every sentence.

[John Holmberg]

You want to see them frolic.

[Christopher Titus]

I get sucked into it. Like I'm part. Like I'm a cult member and you're the leader. And I just start going, yeah, this is normal. Let's talk about this now.

[John Holmberg]

But you would rather see them dead than frolicking alive together.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah, Frolick.

[Brett]

Old people.

[Christopher Titus]

Old people in the bed. Frolicking.

[Brett]

Not good.

[John Holmberg]

I'd rather see it.

[Christopher Titus]

And now I have an unfavorite word. So.

[John Holmberg]

By the way, a great band named Frolicking Grandparents.

[Christopher Titus]

Like so. So my. So my grandfather was friends with Slim Pickens. And one night they had a place up at the Delta in California. And this was a famous story. My dad. My dad really was angry with my grandmother. My grandpa went out with Slim Pickens. They got drunk at the. At the river, at the delta and came back. And my grandmother beat the crap out of both of them with a broom handle.

[John Holmberg]

Whoa.

[Christopher Titus]

For coming. They came in at one o' clock in the morning, drunk and beat the hell. And my friend, Father. My father would say, yeah, she killed him. Yeah, yeah. She didn't kill him seriously. He had a heart attack. But she put him through stuff. But grandma had a tough life. She's came over and she was in a depression and stuff. Yeah, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And she's just had a rough go.

[Christopher Titus]

She had a rough go. But like, here's the thing. Your rough go doesn't give you the right to impose your rough go on everybody else. Whatever. Because something happened to Cosby too. And that his rough go, whatever it was, that's new.

[John Holmberg]

Like that's of the last 25 years.

[Christopher Titus]

That's true.

[John Holmberg]

You know, we just now discovered like this logotherapy thing where you can go back and go, oh, this is why you do that. Because people just ignored it before. I beat my kids. Because I beat my kids.

[Christopher Titus]

This is why truck stops feel like home. That's what you're saying.

[John Holmberg]

This is why everybody looks like that.

[Christopher Titus]

Exactly.

[Brett]

Set that therapy up at the BUC EE's or something.

[John Holmberg]

That's a great ide.

[Christopher Titus]

That's a brilliant idea. A little kiosk, little truck instead of a taco truck. A therapy. Therapy truck. People just stand in line.

[John Holmberg]

Bucky's therapists would be top notch because they would tell it like it is.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Just things they'd hear.

[Christopher Titus]

Guy who had his license revoked A couple times. Because he was just too honest. Exactly. Not a bad therapist. Just like, dude, you gotta stop.

[John Holmberg]

We did the DNA on our family, and yours came back pretty innocuous. Just white and not innocuous.

[Christopher Titus]

I'm the whitest person. They sent me. They sent me a handicap parking pass with the results in case I go to a dance club. It's. I'm white. I didn't think there was any gold.

[John Holmberg]

Left in that vein, but I found like that. No. So we found out that a. My last name. I'm not tied to it whatsoever. Well, this proud heritage of Holmberg.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Back in the days of Sweden's king, way back. Four generations. Five. If you got pregnant without being married, the king took the baby. So. So they just handed this. Wait, so a slut teenager girl had like a pregnancy. They. And she pop it out the. The king be like, it's ours. You don't have a father. You don't have a husband. You're done here. And if you're. And. Yeah. So then they would take the baby and assign it to a family that foster. Foster. No, Foster. It was. They just pretended they had it. So they just.

[Christopher Titus]

I love all the. There's so much denial in this is awesome.

[John Holmberg]

It's crazy. It wasn't like, oh, let's foster it until we find it a good. No, no, no.

[Christopher Titus]

Sweden is Sweden.

[John Holmberg]

So the king was like, we're not.

[Christopher Titus]

It's very. By the way, the Swedes are very, very much like this.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah.

[Christopher Titus]

I always had that baby.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's our baby. This is ours. Don't.

[Christopher Titus]

But I just seem to be pregnant. Yes, you did. They were pregnant.

[John Holmberg]

And they all look enough alike that it was okay. And that's one of the reasons why they said, let's not drift from the race.

[Christopher Titus]

Right.

[John Holmberg]

Like, keep this thing looking pure and similar so we can move parts like a chessboard. Nobody's gonna question it. So my great, great, great grandfather was named John the Bastard. And then he was another great funny.

[Christopher Titus]

Car driver in the 70s. Bastard up against chocolate LeBaron.

[Brett]

Talk about bumping and rubbing.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. So they just shoved him in there and they never liked him. And they treated him worse than anybody. And he was kind of the outcast. But he was then a Holmberg. And then he went on. Had his own family. They got cast out and moved to Pennsylvania. And it was. It's crazy.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah. A lot. America was founded by a lot of cast outs.

[John Holmberg]

A lot of cast outs.

[Christopher Titus]

As I would go through my history, I was like, oh, wow.

[John Holmberg]

Worst Thing you can do is trace your history because it ain't real. My dad calls and goes, I don't know what to do.

[Christopher Titus]

But that's like the DNA test too. And people go, we're doing DNA tests. And I. And I just. I wrote the bit about it and I was like, why? Yeah, I mean, haven't we learned anything from these sci fi movies about some horrible government that takes everybody's, you know, DNA to find out who the good human beings are and who the, you know.

[John Holmberg]

You know what's gonna happen.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah. We've all been out in the world and run across another piece of our collective human jigsaw puzzle and thought, wow, they're from another box, these evolution emergency bricks. Yeah, exactly. So why are you giving your DNA? You're basically now. And now they know you killed that drifter in 07. Like, why. Why did you put yourself on the possible suspect database, you moron?

[John Holmberg]

And every family's gonna find out, oh, that wasn't Dave's daughter.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Every. We get emails all the time. Like, I just found out that this isn't my kid and I've been raising it for two years. It's like, oh, don't do the test.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah, there's no upside. No one ever said, I took a DNA test. Guess what? Every. The best news you could get is, yeah, those are my real parents. Damn it. That's the best news you get.

[Brett]

And that.

[Christopher Titus]

And that kills any fant. Might have, like, somewhere you've got a billionaire dad that's gonna fly in on a jet, take you to the mansion. Then you and the butler are gonna.

[John Holmberg]

Clean up Gotham most of the time. You found out that you're an incestuous baby and your sister gave birth.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

There's lawyer.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Christopher Titus]

You're really.

[Brett]

For 20 years. She's my sister.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah. Oh, you found out what a slut. There's a friend of mine, owns a comedy club. He found out what a slut. His mom really was. Like, he did the DNA test because his dad, his dad got. The guy, thought he was his dad, had Lou Gehri's. He went to get the DNA test, found out it's not his dad. Mom goes, okay, this is your dad. Goes to that guy. He hangs out with that guy for like a year. They do a test, found out that's not his dad either.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, my God.

[Christopher Titus]

At this point, Thanksgiving is intense.

[John Holmberg]

Ratcheted up.

[Christopher Titus]

Exactly, man.

[John Holmberg]

Wow. Yeah.

[Christopher Titus]

And so he. And that. And then he spun out for a minute. He lived for two years after all this happened. His grown man spun out. Like he spun out.

[John Holmberg]

It screws with people's heads.

[Christopher Titus]

I just don't want to know. Why would you do your DNA?

[John Holmberg]

I would want to know.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

But I look at my dad and I'm like, no question about it. We're the exact same.

[Christopher Titus]

What's the other side of knowing is horror.

[John Holmberg]

Sure. And I don't mind that.

[Christopher Titus]

Again, not her story.

[John Holmberg]

I found out my great grandmother was the town prostitute. Hooker, whore. More than not. She didn't get paid for it, but she just. She had a lot of babies with a lot of guys and it never added up to anybody.

[Christopher Titus]

I love that you went through the whole townhouse.

[John Holmberg]

Wow.

[Christopher Titus]

She didn't get boom, boom, boom. She wasn't a good business. She was good. She had a vagina mesh thing fell out. Anyway. She got. Yeah, like.

[John Holmberg]

I bet it did like you did. I bet it was like an inside out sock. And every guy that visited, like she had no way.

[Brett]

She exercised.

[John Holmberg]

No way.

[Christopher Titus]

Now you working those key. She was kegelaceous.

[John Holmberg]

Grandma Thornberry never stood up. And now I know why. You guys, I learned that I'm today years old. I'm like, I never saw her standing up.

[Christopher Titus]

Do you have three socks? Why is it happening?

[John Holmberg]

One of your stockings is on really wrong and it's can see it. I think it's upside. I'm not sure what that is, but.

[Brett]

Is that Brunswiger?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. If a peppermint stick doesn't come out of it, I'm scared of it. That's either a Christmas mishap or we're.

[Christopher Titus]

Calling it, by the way there Grandma and the Christmas Mishap. That is the over Christmas story.

[John Holmberg]

It's about her vagina.

[Christopher Titus]

And then she got a vagina. A mesh. And everybody was happy again.

[John Holmberg]

It's the night. Good night, Grandma. And a Christmas mist. And it's all about thinking it's a stocking and getting your hand in there.

[Brett]

A mistake.

[John Holmberg]

I can't. The Christmas mishap. I. I need an animator. I've written the script.

[Christopher Titus]

I. I'm already. I'm already on act two. I'm already working on act two. I got this. Oh, God.

[John Holmberg]

I think I. And we got time.

[Christopher Titus]

It's.

[John Holmberg]

It's June. We can get this out by Thanksgiving.

[Brett]

Oh my God.

[John Holmberg]

Oh.

[Christopher Titus]

With AI, we can both shredded our grandmothers today. Like. Like that's. I come on the show. Yeah, exactly. The funny thing about my grandma Titus though, I did that bit at one of my specials. Carrie Monster. I do a bit about grammatitis because I didn't really know you. I don't. I never knew until I met my. My wife's grandmother, who was like, the perfect grandma, and yet she was awesome. And she was the most grandmothery person. Found out that when she was 19, she actually went to New York and had another baby. And then they put it up for adoption, and that guy came back into her life, and he's the best guy ever. Really? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

The baby or the guy she had it with?

[Christopher Titus]

The guy she had it with. She can't. It was a dude. She was a musician she met in a club in New York, and they can't find the guy. They don't know who the guy is. So this guy, Uncle Philip, who's the best human being? Him and his wife. But he kept. He was really damaged about it, and then he. Grandma fixed it, and it was really cool.

[John Holmberg]

Wow.

[Christopher Titus]

So I didn't know what grandma was. And so I did the bit of our. My aunt came to my show. Her daughter came to one of my shows, and I did the bit. And we're driving back home and just quiet. We're just driving back. And the show went well. And she goes, you know, my mom really could have done different stuff. She could have. Have Done it different.

[John Holmberg]

And.

[Christopher Titus]

And I. Which is crazy. Yeah. Well, what I love is that, like, some people think that my comedy, when it's harsh on my family, is I made it up.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Christopher Titus]

You know?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Christopher Titus]

Like I'm being Rickles, and it's.

[John Holmberg]

You can't do that. You can't make up. When you see your show, you're like, that can't be made up. Maybe embellished, but not exaggerated.

[Christopher Titus]

Oh, I went to therapy recently. My wife and I went through some stuff, and so we went through couples therapy. And I told the therapy. I was kind of listing the bits I did in carrying Monsters, about being left in an airport when I was 4, about hitchhiking when I was 11 and getting on a plane. Yeah. And because I ran away. I really ran away.

[Byron]

And the.

[John Holmberg]

The.

[Christopher Titus]

And I look over at one point.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Christopher Titus]

The therapist is just looking at me like, this. Is this happened? No, I just thought I'd come in Riff.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Christopher Titus]

I just thought I'm doing improv stuff. Trying to. Just trying to. Am I beating everybody? Am I the best now? Because I've given you the worst.

[John Holmberg]

I'm the winner. You're gonna charge me after just fighting.

[Christopher Titus]

With my dad in the kitchen at 60? That's not normal.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, my God.

[Christopher Titus]

It's interesting how when you Tell your real true story. And the therapist who deals with everybody all the time goes, no.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. This is horrible.

[Christopher Titus]

I don't even know. You can't. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

They haven't written.

[Christopher Titus]

You should go on the radio with these guys because let me tell. I found something with a rosebud and I need therapy just to. Just to get it out of my head now. Which you can never get it out of your head now.

[John Holmberg]

No, no. Oh. Once you see it, it's forever seen, fossilized. Do you believe. Since your grandparents are passed and stuff, do you believe they see you? Like, I. I always find it hysterical when they're like, oh, I know. They're looking down on me.

[Christopher Titus]

No, I love that Carlin bit.

[John Holmberg]

Looking. I haven't seen that. I don't know.

[Christopher Titus]

Carlin does a whole bit about the looking down, which means.

[John Holmberg]

Means they're up. Yeah.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah. I don't. I don't have that. I have a spirituality. Believing the universe is kind of. Only because I've made stuff happen by saying it happening and creating the energy in it. I guess I don't have this whole thing where someone's watching.

[John Holmberg]

Wouldn't it be like the most.

[Christopher Titus]

Because I've done some things that no one will ever know about. Right. If someone's watching over me, I'd be. I would trip a lot more.

[Brett]

I'd fall down a lot more thing. Don't look now.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, right now. I don't. Yeah.

[Brett]

Like, Brad's filming something here that.

[Christopher Titus]

That you're gonna.

[John Holmberg]

You're not gonna want to start jerking right now or anything. You're being lost. You're gonna take a dump in the show.

[Christopher Titus]

I was raised by my f. No, no. There's some there. No, I'm just saying we all have. We all have one or two things in their life. You know, you a long time ago that you just. You've done.

[John Holmberg]

What's one thing that if it is.

[Christopher Titus]

I'm not telling you? Yeah, we never. There's a reason I haven't told it now to anybody. In. In. In private. I'm gonna now do it on the radio.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Grandpa Titus is up there. Goes. I'm bored.

[Christopher Titus]

What's Christopher doing?

[John Holmberg]

Turn it to Christopher. And they turn on the Christopher tv. And there you are in the shower.

[Christopher Titus]

That's interesting. The Christopher tv. Like, heaven has, like, they have a channel of all their relatives. The relative Christopher. Yeah. Click, click, click. Depending on what area you're born. It's the tv.

[John Holmberg]

And you're just like. I always say, like, I've got a Kaiser helmet on. I got a thumb in my ass.

[Christopher Titus]

I'm so proud.

[John Holmberg]

There he is.

[Christopher Titus]

Well, I guess he's not gonna. We're not gonna see him again.

[John Holmberg]

This is a rerun. He's done.

[Christopher Titus]

Nah, he's just doing it again.

[Brett]

It's always on.

[John Holmberg]

Christopher Titus is at the Desert Ridge Improv tonight. And Stand Up Live Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Desertridgeimprov.com standuplive.com gonna do the entertainment drill. You get to help out with.

[Christopher Titus]

I've been damaged today.

[John Holmberg]

No, you came in there.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah, yeah, that's true. I did join in. Yeah, you can't complain.

[John Holmberg]

It was double Dutch. And you're like, I'm next. It's 9:43. Christopher Titus is here. The entertainment drill is next.

[Christopher Titus]

It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually.

[John Holmberg]

No membership fee. I have heard enough of this for you. P.D. hornberg's morning sickness. You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself. He's evil sitting right here. Come on. No, no, he's not. He's not evil. He's just a bit rude. 98, Christopher Titus has made the morning go very quickly, and we thank you for that.

[Christopher Titus]

I. You guys. And yet I'm going to be left with this bruise on my soul for I don't know how long now. The next time I'm back. Yeah, there's. There are things I can never unsee at this point.

[John Holmberg]

Your soul's gonna have CTE as much as it's been.

[Christopher Titus]

I'm gonna have to go to the. Whatever that light therapy is just. Just to clear this.

[John Holmberg]

I might try that stare at the sun. The same thing. Christopher's at the black pen. Yeah, that would be nice.

[Christopher Titus]

Oh, God.

[John Holmberg]

Wasn't that, like, the best invention? All of us went back and goes, oh, we got to come up with.

[Christopher Titus]

As you get older. You wish for it at first. Oh, he's gonna kind of memory. And as you get older. God, if you could only do that. Oh, thank you. I would abuse one session of therapy.

[John Holmberg]

What's bothering you? Let's get rid of that. Yeah. Stand Up Live. Friday, Saturday and Sunday. Desert Ridge Improv tonight.

[Christopher Titus]

New show, guys. Come see the new stuff.

[John Holmberg]

Did you give them a story to do? Brady, hand over a story for Christopher to do.

[Christopher Titus]

All right.

[John Holmberg]

You have a podcast as well. We don't even talk about that.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah, the Armagan Update. It's doing really well.

[John Holmberg]

You and your son were on that.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah, my son has started doing stand up comedy.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I knew that. And he was on the podcast with you for a while.

[Christopher Titus]

He did. Yeah, I did a couple episodes. He. He's in college.

[John Holmberg]

Okay. Where's he going?

[Christopher Titus]

Sonoma State University. And he's. And the kid. It's weird, you know, he wants to be real comic because he's doing the worst gigs. Like, he's doing gigs.

[John Holmberg]

He's struggling.

[Christopher Titus]

No, but he wants to do them. He's going, no, dad, it's an open mic. There was four people. And I call him. And he. How was it? He goes, I tanked it. He goes, but these two jokes got laughs. He's got great premises. He. He calls me and he goes. He goes, abraham Lincoln was the first black man in whiteface. And I go. And I go. The joke goes. He starts out. I don't know the rest of it. He go. He goes. He goes. I love conspiracy theories, so I make them up. Abraham Lincoln was the first black man in whiteface. And he does this whole thing about. Lincoln basically was like, under Undercover.

[John Holmberg]

Undercover Brother.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah. And it makes total sense. And I'm like, you. That's a smart premise. One of his jokes. Here's what. I knew he was gonna be a comic. I didn't want him to do a comic. I didn't want him to be a comic. I was like, dude, you don't know is. And he goes, no, I really want to be a comic. And his. Joe wrote. Because it goes. I realized I was in a toxic relationship when my girlfriend poisoned me. And you go. I go, that's a good tv. Exactly. Even when you say it, I'm like, so he should be a comic.

[John Holmberg]

No, he should stay in comedy.

[Christopher Titus]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And I like that you're not forcing him in there. Like, you're making him do the, like, go struggle.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah, no, he is. He knows that's the only way to do it, so he's actually taking off. Pretty cool. All right.

[John Holmberg]

There you go. Really? All right. I guess you're hosting now.

[Christopher Titus]

No, I know. I just said, that's enough.

[John Holmberg]

Ready? Whatever it is you do. I gotta go home.

[Christopher Titus]

I just. But I. Thanks, Chris.

[John Holmberg]

There's door.

[Christopher Titus]

But I had my dad just go, you're boring the crap out of everybody right now, idiot. That's that what goes in my. Which is why I want the fleshy.

[John Holmberg]

Flashy thing, the thing with your hand you over there.

[Christopher Titus]

That's not what I meant.

[John Holmberg]

Chunks. Read.

[Christopher Titus]

You're not being funny. Quit talking about your son, you loser.

[John Holmberg]

Hey, Hypertension. Grab a paper and read something to the people. It's br. It's the entertainment drill. It's [e-mail] the home of tactical Black self defense training. Check it out. Two months training, personal training for 1 99. For two months of the best self defense training you can ever imagine. They have long and they have weapons defense. Everything you could ever want to do. Plus you're going to get in great shape. Start being a sheepdog. Stop being a sheep. React defense.com the home of tactical Black Brady and Titus Entertainment.

[Brett]

There's a new documentary on actor John. John Candy called John Candy I Like Me. And it's directed by Colin Hanks, produced by Ryan Reynolds.

[John Holmberg]

Wow.

[Christopher Titus]

Wow.

[John Holmberg]

That's pretty good.

[Brett]

It'll come out. It'll stream on Prime, Amazon prime, in October 10th.

[Christopher Titus]

You know, no one's ever said about John Candy, you know that guy. No one has a bad story.

[John Holmberg]

The most lovable comedy hero love. Yeah. Oh my God.

[Christopher Titus]

Ryan Reynolds took it on something there. That's pretty cool.

[Brett]

Have you seen that Canadian, Canadian connection.

[John Holmberg]

What is it, Jardiance or there's some drug ad that his. John Candy's daughter is in. Really? And once you know that, you can't not see John Candy.

[Brett]

Like, is that the original one?

[John Holmberg]

Look it up, Brad. It is. No, it's not good for a woman. And I'm not saying, but she. Her name's like Kathy or something, I forget. But once you see it, you're like, oh, my God, it's spitting image. Like John Candy in a wig.

[Christopher Titus]

Okay.

[John Holmberg]

It's weird, but now I can't watch the commercial.

[Brett]

Speaking of another lovable character.

[Christopher Titus]

Really? That's what you can't watch after all the things you've shown me today?

[John Holmberg]

Don't even talk.

[Christopher Titus]

Come on, man. Go ahead.

[Brett]

Tommy Boy Fest is going down August 7th.

[Christopher Titus]

Oh, wow.

[Brett]

Through the 9th in Sandusky, Ohio, where the movie was set.

[John Holmberg]

Find the commercial. Sorry.

[Brett]

Seagal will be there along with the actual car from the movie. But no date. David Spade. It's just. It marks the 30th anniversary of Tommy Boy. So they're going to be doing things, activities. We'll have a classic car show contest like, Tommy want a wingy throwdown?

[John Holmberg]

Okay, this is just.

[Brett]

This is.

[John Holmberg]

This is people who never let go of their college.

[Christopher Titus]

Wow, man.

[John Holmberg]

I like Everybody in their 50s celebrating time.

[Christopher Titus]

Go dig out my merch. My hat.

[Brett]

I see it potentially being like the Willy Wonka fest where you go, go there and you think you're promised all these things.

[John Holmberg]

It's sort of like happen. Like, how weird would you think if our parents had A beach blanket bingo party. You'd be like. You people are celebrating. Average at best 30 year old.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

They just don't like aging.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah. You ready for this one?

[John Holmberg]

Here she is in her commercial. Look. You can't not see John Candy.

[Brett]

Oh, wow. I've never seen that.

[John Holmberg]

Crazy. Yeah. Pax Lovit is the commercial.

[Christopher Titus]

She's. She's cute as a button.

[John Holmberg]

She looks like John Candy.

[Christopher Titus]

She's cute as a button.

[John Holmberg]

Like I said, cute. Looks an awful lot like John. So does that guy.

[Christopher Titus]

Okay. That's a DNA thing.

[Brett]

Julie Oxberger had a daughter.

[John Holmberg]

She's cute as a button. All right, all right.

[Christopher Titus]

You guys want to hear this? The Gibson guitar that Michael J. Fox plays in Back to the Future has been missing since 1985.

[John Holmberg]

What?

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah, the year the movie came out. Gibson has been trying to find it. Michael J. Fox and the movie's other stars are helping. Here's a full story. Basically. So he shreds at the Enchantment under the Sea dance. We all know this one. Cherry Red Gibson ES345. It's missing since 85.

[John Holmberg]

Somebody either has it or it's in a storage.

[Brett]

They basically borrowed it from the music store. Right. It wasn't like.

[John Holmberg]

But it's out there.

[Brett]

And the guy returned it.

[Christopher Titus]

But Gibson wants to find it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Christopher Titus]

They've even made a. Have you seen this guitar poster? I wonder if there's a. Like, why don't you put up the freaking number on it?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, there's gotta be.

[Christopher Titus]

Guitar was rented from Norman's Rare Guitars in Los Angeles. I know this store. And returned after they were done with it. Nobody knew after that it got bought somebody. Some dude's just playing guitar.

[Byron]

Some crappy cover band.

[Christopher Titus]

I guarantee he's probably dead. It was 85. That guy died.

[John Holmberg]

It's a storage facility.

[Christopher Titus]

So his nephew has it.

[John Holmberg]

And he probably went full like Indiana.

[Christopher Titus]

Jones thing because that's the era. It's way in the warehouse in the.

[John Holmberg]

Bend the back next to all the Nazi stuff.

[Christopher Titus]

Okay, so wait, hey, why is this a guitar? Oh, Hitler shredded.

[John Holmberg]

I want to make that poster so bad.

[Brett]

It's two over. Two boxes over from the arc.

[John Holmberg]

That changes everything.

[Christopher Titus]

Two boxes from the.

[John Holmberg]

If he's just got his arm up and you put a guitar in.

[Christopher Titus]

He was just metal.

[John Holmberg]

And he's just totally metal.

[Christopher Titus]

He's just totally metal. Okay, this is the one about to rock. Are we going to do this?

[John Holmberg]

It's always good to be in Bully. Sorry.

[Christopher Titus]

And again, we just get worse.

[John Holmberg]

Hello, Hamburg.

[Christopher Titus]

Hello.

[John Holmberg]

They bar like they learned a lot of stage charisma from Hitler. Like the bands took that. Seems like they really like hearing the name of the city there. Oh.

[Christopher Titus]

I'm. We just. There's so many things that we're going to pay for in the after. In the next life.

[Brett]

His face changing on cord changes when he's playing.

[John Holmberg]

Nobody rocks like st. God. Sorry. The Christmas mishap still has me. All right, finish it up, Brady.

[Brett]

Whoever here's. Well, Eminem's suing meta for $109 million.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, my God.

[Brett]

Because they used his music for a lot of Meta platforms.

[Christopher Titus]

Who's.

[Brett]

Who?

[John Holmberg]

Eminem.

[Brett]

Wait, Eminem. And they're using it on Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp. So he's seeking 109 million in damages.

[Christopher Titus]

I'm sorry. They'll just give it to him. Like, you're the biggest company making all the money and you just decided to take Eminem.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, we'll do that. He won't notice.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah, exactly.

[John Holmberg]

Eminem. He's not paying attention.

[Christopher Titus]

And he's such a nice guy.

[John Holmberg]

Eminem is so easy going, reasonable.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah, that's what he. Reasonable.

[John Holmberg]

They're going to do Kid Rock next because everybody knows that they're even keeled people.

[Brett]

But they could have put something together saying, oh, we're going to use this. And then they just expanded it down to the. So they just, you know. Didn't we?

[Christopher Titus]

Oh, I hope he did. And he only wants 109.

[John Holmberg]

Meta will be like, here.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Pocket change.

[Christopher Titus]

Yeah, they already. They already sent it. I mean, send it to him in cash.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Sorry.

[Christopher Titus]

It's a bag. Just a bag shows up.

[John Holmberg]

Asking permission is dumb. We'll just pay the fee.

[Christopher Titus]

Zuckerberg wakeboarded to his house, air jets.

[John Holmberg]

Over with his jetpack.

[Brett]

Drop it off.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Christopher Titus]

He's so much money, he actually created a river in front of it so he can wakeboard and drop it off.

[John Holmberg]

Wow. Yeah. That is kind of weird.

[Christopher Titus]

It's weird. We said this on the podcast. The billionaires kill children. It's really weird, man.

[John Holmberg]

What?

[Christopher Titus]

The billionaires kill you.

[John Holmberg]

Proof of that.

[Christopher Titus]

And I'm just saying that the billionaires have decided that people with nothing have too much. Isn't that weird? We're in a weird.

[John Holmberg]

Finally it makes sense to me.

[Christopher Titus]

We're in a weird time.

[Brett]

I want to be a billionaire.

[Christopher Titus]

That speaks to me the point.

[John Holmberg]

God, Lucifer, tell me more about this, cuz less children is awesome.

[Christopher Titus]

So you saying be a billionaire, disservice.

[John Holmberg]

And their kids go away. Okay, I need to call Bezos.

[Brett]

Crowdfunding billionaires.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I was. I was talking about that this morning when they. I was watching the news yesterday and they talked about how the. The lawyer for the Luigi Mangione trial. The only reason that. That people are, like, really into this is because he's handsome. Like, if he looked like. So I think there's a lot of that. If he looked like me, I'd just be a lunatic who shot a guy. Yeah, he's good looking. So they're like, well, hear him out.

[Christopher Titus]

I think anybody who's actually paid a deductible, paid. Oh, sure, anyone who laid down a copay. But the difference for two grand a month for insurance. Like, wait, wait, I already pay you? And then we all.

[John Holmberg]

If I lit a dude up from an insurance company, people would be on my side. Yeah, but they'd be like, you're gonna side with that lunatic? But because it's him, they're like, well, just hear him out. But the lawyer was like, can we unshackle him, your honor? He looks so guilty. Like, Well, I mean, technically he's guilty of what he did, but don't unshackle him. He likes to shoot people in the back. That's the last. You don't want to know that. Let's go through the trial first.

[Christopher Titus]

Silent guy that planned and shot somebody. When they let him go, just let him. Let him have some freedom and let him walk around a little bit.

[John Holmberg]

The orange jumpsuit, able to turn the.

[Brett]

Pages in his manifesto.

[Christopher Titus]

What are you. What was your. What was your opinion of that man? Because he.

[John Holmberg]

I think he's a coward. I understand.

[Christopher Titus]

I understand the people's reaction to it.

[John Holmberg]

Yes, yeah, yeah, I understand. I disagree with it, but I understand it. I think he's a coward. If you're gonna make a political statement that bold, you don't run. That was. That was where he lost.

[Christopher Titus]

He didn't just run. He went to Starbucks.

[John Holmberg]

He went to Starbucks and he hid in a McDonald's. But like, he. He did what he could to get away with it. And that isn't a statement. That's a coward. Like, you know, somebody's felt like, you know, John Wilkes Booth, like, stood on the stage.

[Christopher Titus]

I am always stunned when I come here. So basically he's saying, if you're gonna kill a guy, that's take. That's basically, yeah, face him and then stay there.

[John Holmberg]

And then stay there and put your hands up and go, I did this for a reason. Don't be a hero.

[Christopher Titus]

Who says, have a T shirt made?

[John Holmberg]

Yes. Yeah, I have a cause.

[Christopher Titus]

Call imprint and have some merch done. And then. So they can just read your shirt. I don't want to explain this over and over again here. Everybody gets a shirt. Just read the shirt.

[John Holmberg]

But don't go into, like, the trunk of a LeBaron and lay there and shiver and wait for the cops to catch you and go, I'm a hero. Like, no, you rent. You knew you were wrong. Like, there were better ways to handle. Yeah, it's a better ways to handle that. But I understood why people are like, oh, he's standing up for the little. It's like Don Quixote.

[Brett]

It's weird, but I'll never think for.

[Christopher Titus]

The most the person with like, you have such a weird integrity thing. And it weirds me out. No, we come here, I get scared about my soul, and then you popped at the end. We end with you being.

[John Holmberg]

Having integrity, integral and somewhat thought out.

[Christopher Titus]

Exactly. With a point.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. And let me remind you this Christmas, Grandma's Mishap is my Christmas special with Christopher Titus starring his grandma.

[Christopher Titus]

And Rosebud is not a sled.

[John Holmberg]

What if that's the end of Citizen Kane and we didn't Rosebud and just stuff it back in? He's dying.

[Christopher Titus]

Louis B. Mara was like, we can't put this out. What if it's a sled?

[John Holmberg]

That was the real controversy. Randolph Hearst was like, jesus Christ. Did you hear how it ended? What does it mean? It's a sled, right?

[Christopher Titus]

No, no, it's not at all.

[John Holmberg]

It's a rope.

[Christopher Titus]

We changed it for the movie, but.

[John Holmberg]

Jesus, we don't have the Internet yet, or I'd show you. Anyway, that's it. Titus is always awesome to have you. He is here this weekend. Stand up live all weekend tonight. Multiple times. He changes his hour every day.

[Christopher Titus]

No. God, don't make me crazy.

[John Holmberg]

There you go. Well, thank you, guys.

[Christopher Titus]

Don't do them to repeat. You're like it. It. It kind of deals with what's happening right now in a way. I went around it this time as. Instead of going right at it like I did in American, you're dancing, having some fun.

[John Holmberg]

Having some fun with the way the world.

[Christopher Titus]

I don't want to be Mangione.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you're a handsome man. You'll get away with it. People love handsome criminals. It's true. It's 1007. Larry's coming up next. He's going to try to give you 3,000 bucks with his excellent adventure. We're done. We'll see you tomorrow.

[Christopher Titus]

So, hey, it's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually.

[John Holmberg]

No membership fees. I have heard enough of this.