06-16-25 - Parade Reactions Emails - Prior To 40s Having A Small Penis Was Considered Sign Of Intelligence - Guy Chips Tooth At Restaurant Tries To Get Them To Pay Week Later

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona Episode: June 16, 2025
Host: John Holmberg
Co-hosts: Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo
Release Date: June 16, 2025
Title: Parade Reactions Emails - Prior To 40s Having A Small Penis Was Considered Sign Of Intelligence - Guy Chips Tooth At Restaurant Tries To Get Them To Pay Week Later

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I. Parades and Military Marching

Timestamp: [04:00] - [05:00]

The episode kicks off with a discussion about a recent military parade, highlighting differing opinions from listeners' emails. Richard comments that the parade took on a political tone rather than showcasing the military's unity.

Notable Quote:
Dick Toledo comments, "It got political. Can't talk about all. I didn't say left, right, or otherwise." ([04:09])

John Holmberg emphasizes the desire for disciplined military marching, expressing frustration over perceived lack of coordination.

II. Melania Trump's Supposed Medical Devices

Timestamp: [05:00] - [12:00]

A significant portion of the episode delves into speculative and humorous theories about First Lady Melania Trump's anatomy. The hosts humorously debate whether Melania uses a colostomy bag or diapers to manage her bodily functions during public appearances.

Notable Quotes:

• Brady asserts, "I don't buy that there's a bag in her dress. I think she's just well trained." ([05:32])
• John Holmberg remarks, "They do it for New Year's Eve. All the morons standing out there for the ball to drop and stuff." ([05:38])
• Wayne adds humorously, "Yeah, what was his name? Robert Wadlow. The eight-foot-tall guy." ([26:47])

The conversation includes exaggerated scenarios imagining how Melania might handle the logistics of using such devices discreetly during events, blending satire with absurdity.

III. Ancient Greek Penis Size and Intelligence

Timestamp: [14:00] - [20:00]

Brady introduces a quirky topic by referencing an article suggesting that in ancient Greek times, a smaller penis was considered a mark of intelligence and civilized behavior.

Notable Quotes:

• Brady shares, "Ancient Greeks having a little willy was a badge of the highest culture and paragon of civilization." ([15:18])
• Wayne questions, "So they had quite the variety at that brothel." ([17:00])

The hosts humorously discuss how societal standards shifted post-World War II, linking penis size to intelligence and cultural perceptions, ultimately encouraging listeners to embrace and take pride in being "small dick guys."

IV. Sports Locker Room Anecdotes

Timestamp: [21:00] - [37:00]

A recurring theme revolves around humorous and exaggerated stories from professional sports locker rooms, focusing on the penis sizes of various athletes.

Notable Quotes:

• Brady recounts, "I was in there when my friend Kevin, who tripped over his dick and died." ([22:30])
• John Holmberg jokes, "Never look for your hero's dicks then." ([40:58])

The hosts share fictitious and playful anecdotes about NBA and NHL players, blending mock storytelling with ribald humor. They discuss imagined scenarios where oversized penises interfere with athletes' daily routines and professional tasks.

V. Listener Emails and Restaurant Complaints

Timestamp: [44:00] - [49:00]

Listeners contribute stories about negative restaurant experiences, particularly focusing on delayed complaints and unreasonable demands for compensation.

Notable Quotes:

• Brady narrates, "He chips his tooth, goes to the dentist, gets it all fixed up, goes back and builds the restaurant." ([45:11])
• John Holmberg advises, "If you chip your tooth at a restaurant, you don't say anything right there." ([45:10])

The hosts humorously critique customers who return to restaurants a week later demanding refunds or free meals for minor grievances, emphasizing the absurdity of such actions.

VI. Miscellaneous Humor and Final Remarks

Timestamp: [50:00] - [End]

The episode concludes with a blend of light-hearted jokes, shout-outs to listeners, and humorous interactions among the hosts. They playfully tease each other about the ongoing themes, reinforcing the show's comedic and irreverent tone.

Notable Quotes:

• Brady quips, "Never, ever, ever." in response to frustration over difficult listeners. ([48:09])
• John Holmberg thanks listeners, "Big shout out to all the homies and family. 98 KUPD rocks." ([43:27])

The hosts wrap up by reinforcing the show's identity as Arizona's top morning radio show, promising more entertaining and provocative discussions in future episodes.

---

Conclusion:

This episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona is a blend of satirical humor, irreverent discussions, and listener interactions. From playful conspiracies about First Lady Melania Trump to exaggerated tales from sports locker rooms, the hosts maintain a comedic approach throughout. Additionally, listener-submitted stories about restaurant mishaps add a relatable yet humorous dimension to the show. Overall, the episode encapsulates the show's mission to entertain, question, and disturb its audience with a mix of humor and provocative topics.

Transcript

[John Holmberg]

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[Dick Toledo]

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[Larry McFeely]

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[Brady]

A whole lot more.

[Larry McFeely]

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[Dick Toledo]

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[Larry McFeely]

You were laughing like a hyena when he said it.

[Brady]

What the hell is wrong with you? Glorious Monday. Too hot outside for words. But that's all right. It's what we're used to. Pools are floating. I hear people splashing and mashing around. The pools are back in action fully now and it's a good thing. Guy says that manhunt is awesome, John. I'm all about manhunts, too, but this one ended boring. Essentially. It was like when Wiley Coyote tried to get the Roadrunner to stop for free bird seed. It's true. It had that kind of vibe of. And then he talked. No, no, no. You got to eat it. And then it blew him up. It was very anticlimactic. I wanted more, but they got him, and that's good. That dude's gonna get fried up. People were emailing in about the marching at the parade, and Richard says it got political. Can't talk about all. I didn't say left, right, or otherwise. All I wanted was our army marching away tight as a drum. We're gonna have one of those parades. Tighten it up. Richard says it's because the last thing those soldiers want to do is be there on their weekend off to march for a draft dodger. Oh, hell of a swing there. It's not the military's call, though, is it? Like, that's the whole point of the military is to not have independent thought. You don't like the president, so you're gonna march out of step. Aren't you gonna get in trouble for that? It's the whole point of the deal. And Clinton was a draft dodger, too. They had a march for him, and they did march. I just don't think anybody put the heat on him to do it better. And then everybody's got an opinion. Melania and Trump don't pee. I got several people saying that they have diapers on. It says, president uses a diaper. I don't know about her. She may be alien. Craig says, and I think that's true. This one says both the president and Melania have colostomy bags and catheters put in for superhuman optics. Her clothes are too tight to have a tube in a colostomy sack. And a colostomy bag isn't. That's tied to your. Like, that's a port that sticks out of your. Like, you have to have a surgery for that. That. That's not just attached to your butt.

[John Holmberg]

What, the bag?

[Brady]

Yeah. The colostomy bag is direct into your gut. Like, people with colostomy bags aren't just putting tubes up their butts and walking around with a sack of their own. That's a medical procedure, a colostomy bag. So maybe you have, like, a. It just doesn't make sense that you can't, because right now I'm trying to think of anything you'd have to have a funnel and you'd have to have a tube and then a bag and she's in tight clothes. You'd see something.

[Wayne]

Yeah, I would, I would say a diaper more than anything.

[Brady]

I just think she's superhuman. I don't think she's.

[Wayne]

But I, you know, I don't know what the big deal is. Even if she had to get up and pee. Yeah.

[Brady]

It would have caused a ruckus. You got Secret Service and people jumping around and walking and dancing with her.

[Wayne]

That stage that they had, bet you there was amazing lounge.

[Brady]

I bet those seats, they just drop right in them. But you would have had to hide.

[Wayne]

And that whole thing was built.

[Brady]

And who goes with her? She's got to go pee in a public place like that. She's got to go into a Porta John or they go into like a presidential Porta John. People standing outside, she hikes it up. Nobody peeing next to her. Make sure she washes. I don't buy that there's a bag in her dress. I think she's just. I think she's just well trained. I'll be honest with you. You ladies are too willy nilly about getting up every five minutes. The diaper thing, I don't know. The president sitting in his own pee now.

[John Holmberg]

They do it for New Year's Eve. All the morons standing out there for the ball to drop and stuff. What else is he gonna do? I mean, there's gotta go, yeah, could you do it?

[Brady]

You had to pee and you're in a diaper. Could you sit there, pee and just sit in the fill? I couldn't do. Babies can't do it. Babies hate it. Just cause you have a diaper doesn't mean that you don't want it changed. I mean, you realize you're wet. The reason you have a diaper so long.

[Wayne]

And that's why you get the rash.

[Brady]

You get a rash and then somebody's got to lift his legs up and hold his ankles together and powder his bum. Get the creases, get the creases. It's really, really itchy, Mommy.

[Wayne]

Those big, you know, big events like that, the New Year's Eve Oktoberfest, okay.

[Brady]

That'S drunken idiots wearing a diaper, not caring. If you had a diaper on right now, and the only reason you'd have one on is cause you don't know when you're gonna pee. Right? You wouldn't wear one just for lazy factor. Then you'd realize, oh man, I pissed because it's Wet diapers don't. They don't absorb everything and just make everything normal. You sit in your own urine. So even if you do like, old men don't know when to like. They don't know how to hold it anymore. So you get adult diapers. And how do they know they're soaked? Ask it your. Did your dad have to wear them when he was older?

[Wayne]

At the tail end.

[Brady]

Yeah. And he knew I gotta go when.

[Wayne]

We went four wheeling. Put him on just in case.

[Brady]

Just in case he dropped the deuce.

[Wayne]

Yep.

[Brady]

And he would have known immediately, sloshing around on his own. All right, I'm not gonna let anybody know, but. Hey. Hey, can we pull over here? I got some work to do. I need a backup diaper somewhere. Right. Here's the theory about Melania I'm gonna go with right here. And this comes from Ramon Said, I watched some of that military parade this weekend and it looked like the only one who wanted to be there was Melania. She had that little smirk on her face, that grin. She must have been fantasizing about the men and women in uniform. Or she had a butt plug in set to stun. I don't know how she. So think about it. It was Trump's birthday. What do we get on birthdays and Christmas?

[John Holmberg]

Andes and blueies.

[Brady]

And Anna, she had a plug in prepping for what was coming that night. She was getting it ready. She had it in there. So it would have been easy access for Donald on his 79th, if in fact he got it hard. She was ready all holes ago on a man's birthday. Maybe she was.

[John Holmberg]

She cleaned up the day before, kind of. So she didn't get the chocolate baron out. So she was done.

[Brady]

She met a muse.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Wayne]

Or they liked it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

Or yeah. Or they're into it. They're weirdos. Celebrities are strange. And then you put the plug in there and she's sitting around just kind of wiggling on it, going, this is phenomenal. And all right, time to go. It's my birthday. Later, Heg. Seth. I gotta go get some ass. You got this? Yeah. Clean this mess up. Teach those boys to march. I'll be right back. And then as a good wife, a good wife would do it. Christmas, birthday, sometimes Father's Day. I'm not gonna ask, Brady. Backdoors in play. A good wife gives it to you those three days for sure. A great wife gives it to you whenever she wants. Yes. A terrible wife says that's off limits. Ew. Just saying. A bad husband asked for it too much. But that was his birthday. So Ramon's theory that she had one in prepping for the rest of the night. That's why she was smirking. That's why she didn't move much. She had already cleaned out the night before. Like Brett said, the tanks were empty, the chute was ready, and Trump just sat there waiting. When does this stupid thing end? Is this the last missile? No, sir. There's one more brigade coming. God damn it. Melanie's got a plug and we're going to get out of here.

[John Holmberg]

Did they just jump in the back of the beast and go to town?

[Brady]

I mean, you know, literally can't wait. The beast with two back, they went.

[Wayne]

Back to the White House for the presidential freak off.

[Brady]

Yeah, it could be. It could be. That's a good theory. And then while Israel and Iran lob bombs at each other, Ukraine and Russia are going to town on each other. You got manhunt up in Minnesota. At the time our president was working, working it through the plug move that you're ready, lube it up. I'm going in. It could happen. But yeah, Melania did kind of. She was impressive the whole day. But I got to figure that out. Too. Many theories abound on my emails of, you know, bags of poop attached to the president. I don't think that's real. But I don't know. When they pee and it's weird because he sat there, she said, 80 year old man and a woman, they have to pee a lot. Never once did I see Big Mike get up to pee. I've never seen a first lady pee.

[John Holmberg]

Well, she had a wizinator.

[Brady]

Oh, that's true. It would be easier for her. She could just attach it to that huge dork. Oh yeah. And then drag it Michael Vick style down into a reservoir in her shoes. Good point, Brett. Yeah, Brett. Brett for that one. That's a win on Brett's part. Yeah, I like that. Melanie, you need to get a wizinator like my wife had. But I don't need that because I have. This is going to be delicate. A vagina. Oh, that's right. That's where you and Big Mike are different. Big Mike's got that huge hog and just ties it into that. We get it at Home Depot. It's just piping. But I don't even know how a lady attaches a wizinator. It's got.

[John Holmberg]

It's got to be.

[Brady]

It's got to be some kind of thing. But it's got a suction cup on or be some sort of a. Straps.

[John Holmberg]

It would have to be.

[Brady]

And then it.

[John Holmberg]

And how would you cover that up in that tight dress. She's wearing it.

[Brady]

And you'd walk funny if that was full because it's got the hole back in. So it would come up and touch you. It's just. There's. There's no way. She's just. She's a camel.

[Wayne]

I believe she can hold it.

[Brady]

I'm gonna go with Brady on this one. I think when you're first lady, they give you secrets on how to do it and you write a book. A book about it.

[John Holmberg]

I'm still just shocked with the chapstick thing. No chapstick in four or five hours.

[Brady]

Huge.

[John Holmberg]

Impossible.

[Brady]

She's not a real woman. She's better than a real woman. And if she had that butt plug in, she's the greatest woman on the planet. Did you put the plug in? Melania? We're gonna be there for a while, so you gotta loosen her up. It's in donut. Alright. Put it on stun. Listen to those tanks go by.

[Dick Toledo]

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[John Holmberg]

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[Byron]

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[John Holmberg]

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[Byron]

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[Dick Toledo]

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[Brady]

And then like I'm gonna save you guys the trouble of searching your computers for this and give you all the information you need on this because you don't need this in your algorithm. But I saw an article that said something about penises have not like the optimum sized wiener. Like being large didn't start until like the 40s and 50s. Prior to that, having a small dong was a sign of intelligence. The small wienered guys, you guys lost this battle. Small wienered guys used to be that's why Greek statues because I did a little research on wieners so so you didn't have to.

[John Holmberg]

Thank you.

[Brady]

Greek statues. And then there's an article. It's in my algorithm now because I got an article this morning. They're nestled Real reason why ancient Greek statues all have tiny penises is because when you had a big one back then you were considered stupid. They saw it as an IQ thing. They saw your intelligence attached to your penis side. You get a big dong, you're just not a normal person. So they didn't like those guys. And that stuck around for the most part from Greek times all the way up until like video. And once it became, like, aesthetically pleasing to see a big dork on video. That's when it all changed to be the pressure of a man. And you know who put the pressure on was us seeing big dongs in action, and us normal guys were looking, like, going, oh, wait a minute. I can't do any of this. So that totally swung the pendulum over kids.

[Wayne]

Oh, no, it wasn't the Asians.

[Brady]

Yeah, you got to be. Yeah, right when. Yeah. Dads now brag about their kids with huge dorks. Our buddy Doug Fairchild talks about his son all the time. So he came out of the womb with a. With a hog. In the olden days, you'd be like, oh, he's a. He's retarded. But not anymore. Yeah, it's a weird thing. And that was back then in the. A guy wrote a book called In Bed with Ancient Greeks. They all had small penises because it portrayed an ideal quality at the time. That's what women liked, the little ones. Ancient Greeks having a little willy was a badge of the highest culture and paragon of civilization. Big penises were vulgar and outside the cultural norm, something sported by the barbarians of the world. So the dudes that would run around Vikings and barbarians and stuff scared all the women. He's got to remember, there probably weren't much on foreplay back then. Not a lot of dudes going down on women back then. Oof.

[Wayne]

So they had quite the variety at that brothel.

[Brady]

And think about it.

[Wayne]

In Pompeii.

[Brady]

Oh, sure. But there wasn't a lot of lubricant or any lubricant at all back then outside of, you know, your own. So the bigger ones, ladies hated them. Whores, sure. You went by Pompeii and found all the toys, and they're like, yeah, the whores played with all these. That's why they were still around. No one kept them. The little. The little toys. The ladies left the town with them or died with them in their pockets. You saw that after the. After the eruption of Pompeii, all the stuff that wasn't getting used is what we found.

[Wayne]

It still would be interesting to see how many Mensa members have huge hogs.

[Brady]

Measure out some Mensa dicks. Good thinking, Brady. I'm gonna put you in charge of that, all right? You're in charge of the mensah penis hits. See, I'm a man of average intelligence according to the IQ test. A man of average size. I'm off the rack, guy.

[John Holmberg]

The Asians don't like the way this new Ghost is.

[Brady]

No, no, no. You notice Asians don't have a whole lot of statues of each other.

[John Holmberg]

Not right.

[Brady]

Well, it's pixelated. Yeah, yeah. Says anyone can have muscles. But a truly civilized man would be a clever person in control of his faculties, seemingly shown by a small penis. They thought that if you had a bigger one, you couldn't control it. A small one's easier to control.

[Wayne]

I got to use this on somebody. Why these guys whip it out sometimes.

[Brady]

Well, it's just out of control. Once it' out, it's like, well, that thing's damaging somebody. So they hated him. It's pretty crazy. Like you go back and look at the research of it and then, then they started showing in the article all these statues in Greece. And I'm like, man, I don't think I ever noticed how little, like in proportion. Everybody's a monster is like a workout monster and all the peepees are tiny. And that was because they thought those guys were great. So I think we need to take that back. It's the small dick of America, unite. Start being proud of that thing and saying that you're smart and stop worrying about it. You're too focused in on your. You're also angry.

[Wayne]

Now an interview question.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Wayne]

How much you packing?

[Brady]

What do you got downstairs?

[Wayne]

We need so much.

[Brady]

Anything over 5 inches and I think you're stupid as a stump. And all these big dick guys will be like, wait a second, what? Sorry, you can't work. And we start putting big dick guys out of work. Now they don't have any money. And that's essentially what this article is saying is the small dick guys gave each other jobs back in the day. The big dick guys were just barbarians. Chicks are into money. They don't care about your dick size. They're into success and ambition. Barbarians would come rolling by. Eh? Poor guy's gonna take me to ancient Applebee's. I want to go to Ocean44. I don't want to get at stockyards. I want to be at stake. So that's what they needed to do. So little dick guys need to hire other little dick guys and put these big dick guys. It's nothing worse than being wildly successful, having a ton of money and a huge hog. And that's the fault of the hiring practices of small dick guys. That's it. I think Brady's right. We go through and in Mensa, we find out this guy says, come on, Brady, you know Neil DeGrasse Tyson is rocking a Lexington steel sized rod. I don't think so.

[Wayne]

No, I'm with you.

[Brady]

I think NDT has got himself a micro. That's why he's so interested in looking elsewhere. Everybody look up, look up. That's. I mean, he's always look up at the sky. Never look down. Never, ever look down. Neil DeGrasse Tyson's hiding something. I think that's true. I don't think. Yeah, so it's weird because I, you know, the big story that I was seeing and then. But I would have assumed it would have been much earlier, but we turned the whole thing on its head after World War II for some reason. And the problem probably was that while all the guys were off to war, the dudes too dumb to go to war were here banging your wives, and they started to go, that is better. And the invention of lube also made life easier for the. For the big dork dude. And lube didn't come about in a safe way. Not a Safeway store, but like a safe manner until like the 60s. Prior to that, they're using like, butter. Crisco never worked. Whatever was slippery. WD40. Like, anything, anything to keep the machine moving. And I've met some dudes who brag about having huge ones and never once do I want them to do my taxes or anything. You know, think about it.

[Wayne]

I know.

[Brady]

I know for a fact Doug Fairchild wouldn't shut up about his. And I. I got confirmation from his wife that it's a horrifying honk. Scary. And the last thing I want is Doug Fairchild in charge of anything important in my life. I like hanging out with him. He's fun. But I don't. I'm not putting Doug in charge of my account.

[Wayne]

He's not the tax man.

[Brady]

He's not the guy. I'm gonna sit down and go, let's go over. Let's. Let's crunch some numbers, you and me. My friend Kevin Manion, who passed away about 10 years ago, got hit by a car crossing the street running over to a strip club.

[John Holmberg]

He was packing.

[Brady]

Working theory is he tripped over his own dick in the middle of the road. And that's why he got hit. He was packing. Kevin was about 5, 6. And at his funeral, I talked to. Kevin got around. I talked to three women, and all of them were like, oh, just such a great guy. So funny. And then one said, and my God, like, no kidding. And then Kevin's old roommate, a guy said, kevin came down the hallway once and he wanted to move out. Kevin came out of his room with no pants. On. And he saw it, he's like, I'm not living with this guy. This isn't. This isn't. I can't see that twice, but, yeah, three women at his feet. It was a third thigh. I love Kevin. I wouldn't put Kevin in charge of, like, I wouldn't. I wouldn't trust Kevin to go get a can of gas and bring it back to the house. He'd burn down half the city, probably knock it over with that huge dick. So if we want it to swing back, little wiener guys, you got us. Only hire little wiener guys, too. And it's shocking. Like, a lot of the people I know that have the big ones are tiny people. When I was in the. When I used to do NBA coverage back in, My very first job in radio was to go get sound in the locker rooms. And it was shocking how the big dudes on the team are not proportionate. They've got a regular. Not all of them. There were a couple that were horrifying, but Greg Foster of the utah jazz was 7ft tall, and he had my ride on him. And let me tell you, my wiener on a seven foot body micro. It's hilarious. It doesn't look good at all, but that's the human penis. It's, you know, it's basically, I think when they're making people like you just reach into the last bin before you're a human being. You just reach in and get what you get. It has no bearing on whether you're tall, fat, short, skinny, whatever you are. There's no, like, there's no guarantee. Big giant like Shaquille o' Neal. If Shaquille o' Neal has my thing, it's. He. It's embarrassing. I don't think he does because he's got like a hundred kids. I think Shaquille's proportionate, which is horrifying.

[John Holmberg]

His crank is riding shotgun in the.

[Brady]

F350 or what you gotta remember, like, have you ever seen Shaquille o' Neal's ex wife? She's like five three.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, no kidding.

[Brady]

He can't be proportionate. It would be bigger than her. Like, and I mean physically bigger than her.

[Dick Toledo]

It's Dick Toledo from Homework's morning sickness for Chime, the checking account that helps you manage your money better. Chime is unlike any other banking app. When you set up a qualifying direct deposit with your Chime checking account, you get access to MyPay, which gives you up to $500 of your pay before payday. When times are tight, MyPay carries all the benefits of Chime, including fee free overdrafts of up to 2, no monthly or minimum balance fees and access to over 50,000 ATMs more than three times the top three national banks combined. Move toward a better financial future with CHIME and get started [e-mail] Holmberg where you'll open a Chime checking account in just two minutes. That's chime.com Holmberg Chime feels like progress. Banking services and debit card provided by the Bancorp NA or Stride Bank NA members FDIC Spot me eligibility requirements and overdraft limits apply. Fees apply at out of network ATMs. MyPay eligibility requirements apply. Credit limit limits range from 20 to 500. Two dollar fee applies to get funds instantly. Chime checking account required. Go to Chime.com disclosures for details.

[Brady]

Holmberg's morning sickness so giant dudes have to have something that fits in a regular girl. It's just not. It just can't be done. We need to get back to that.

[Wayne]

Yeah, what was his name? Robert Wadlow. The eight foot tall guy.

[Brady]

World's tallest man.

[Wayne]

Eight foot eleven.

[Brady]

Yeah, he was almost nine feet tall. He came from southern Illinois. They've got chairs that he had. His shoes were like a size 29. If he was, if he, if he was carrying what I got laughed right out of Illinois he'd have been laughed right out of there. Now Brady had what I got he'd be considered retarded. It would be horrible for him be uncomfortable limping. If Scott Haynes had what I got, he'd be dead. The body wouldn't know what to do. It's feeding another body. It would be like having a dead twin hanging off of him. He's only 52 and calls himself a full grown man.

[Wayne]

Like who's the dude with the tail?

[Brady]

But I have seen in little people porn couple dudes who are hanging and it's proportionate. It might be what I've got. But anyway I do this so you guys don't have to.

[Wayne]

But then you hear people that work with mentally handicapped. That one lady that was the nurse.

[Brady]

She said they're packing and what's the. What's the low iq?

[Wayne]

Yeah.

[Brady]

Yeah. That lady that called us and said that she was shocked that almost everybody she worked with in the mentally challenged department, the misses were all just beef down south Donovan emails Montanas huge. This dudes were just making big Montana. Yeah that's what we're gonna call the guys with big dicks. Arby's employees because all they're doing is making big Montanas out of ladies.

[Wayne]

Maybe that's where it started way back then.

[Brady]

You think?

[Wayne]

Experience. Yeah. Someone was born.

[Brady]

You know, little Mr.

[Wayne]

In. In ancient Greek days.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Wayne]

You have a mentally handicapped kid.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Wayne]

Packing. That's where they. Basically.

[Brady]

They were walking around with that thing and he showed it to everybody. Look at the size of that dummy's thing.

[Wayne]

And that guy's dumb.

[Brady]

If he asked. I like it. I like our theory that they're Arby's employees. I like that. Back in the olden days, the first one anyone saw outside was a guy's dong. This guy says, if Thriller had what you had, John, it would probably cure his limp. Maybe that's why Thriller limps. Maybe Thriller's packing one. He's pretty smart, though. I think Thriller, he's like steel or.

[John Holmberg]

To something down there just hanging one side.

[Brady]

Thriller's probably average to just below. He's a pre make. They don't come out with full hogs. That's like a development thing that comes later anyway. And if his body's still fighting to figure out what the hell just happened for the first 10 or 12 years, he's not developing a beast. Although.

[John Holmberg]

Or they'll have him switch sides and see if the limp changes.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Kind of swing it to the other.

[Brady]

Side, flip it over. Right. It'll fix your legs. All right. Brett, you've gone on long enough about Thriller. Stick. You started. That'll just about do it. Out of you. Donovan's. Yeah. Thanks a lot, man. I'm six seven. Thanks for telling our penis secrets. I was in the NBA locker room. Biggest. The two biggest I've ever seen was Jacques Vaughn, Sam Cassel. Both of them were just under 6ft tall. Sam Cassell is the biggest thing I've ever seen in my life. I'm not kidding when I say it. Ceiling fanned one rotation while he was yelling at the team. It made a full grandfather clock 12 to 6. It was. It was a ridiculous maneuver. And it didn't go forward. It did a full circle. It brushed up against the tummy and knees and it made a circle because he was angry. And when he got angry, it spun like it was like. It was a. It was a prop.

[John Holmberg]

It's like a Huey in Vietnam or something. Just this.

[Brady]

I can't tell you what I saw that day was human. Thought he was kidding. He came out of the shower and he was mad. The sons were 0 and 13. Shouting down the whole team. While the press is in there, Tal comes off and he said it. I don't care who sees it. Stand here with my junk out and everything. Am I the only mother crying around here? One rotation. What the hell? He got so mad it started an engine.

[Wayne]

You could wash clothes with that.

[John Holmberg]

Your hat's flying off.

[Brady]

A big bald guy from Raiders of the Lost Ark. His face got cut off by this thing. It was unbelievable. And then Jacques Vaughn had one that when he sat down on his bench to tie his shoes or to put socks on the tip touched the ground. You heard me. That was confirmed by Greg Ostertag who we golfed with once. Who said that they. I think his nickname was Anteater. But I don't know if that was the same guy because he. He could pick up bugs with. Was incredible. So yeah, I've been in the NBA locker room. The smaller guys were the ones I was most impressed with. Craig Foster, I almost got him a. A sympathy card. Next time the Jazz are in town, I'm going to give this guy a little. I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with. This isn't fair. And to be incredibly average at basketball, 7ft tall and have no dick. Oh, be rough. I think it was. To be fair, I think it was Greg Foster. I'm not sure I remember the name properly. Was one of the giant guys. That was one of their.

[John Holmberg]

It might have white guys.

[Brady]

You know what? It may have actually been Mark Eaton, now that I think about it. He was 74 and that's the biggest human being I've ever been in a room with because he was. He was Sasquatch. He was also huge, like a giant man. But I don't remember seeing his dong. And yes, when you go into a professional sports locker room, that's all you do. You look around and comp. That guy's huge. Oh, that guy surprised me.

[John Holmberg]

Oster tag was the bare minimum or what?

[Brady]

Ostertag was fine. Ostertag had basically a human one. I remember the Utah Jess. Karl Malone. Shockingly average. Really pretty good. I'd take it if you wanted to swap out Carl Malone. Zombie. This is what you tuned in for on Monday is John's list of dicks I've seen. I ranked him. I was in the Houston Rockets locker room and I remember Mario Ellie. You remember him as a three point sharpshooter. He had a smokestack thing was huge with a steel mill like a blast furnace for balls.

[John Holmberg]

US Steel on the side of it.

[Brady]

And then of course, my classic story of going into the Coyotes locker room and seeing, I believe it was Jim Johnson. I always forget the name, but they just kept calling him Donkey. And I couldn't figure out why. Interviewing the great Depo Newman. And I hear Tepo go, you have any questions? Because I had forgotten to stop staring at Johnson's huge dork that came on. It was all shaved head to toe, whole body shaved, Mike right in Tepo's face. And all the other press I'd left, except me. Do you have a question? And I'm like, oh, no, I'm sorry. And he watched me watch Jim walk out of the locker room. And that thing's banging away. And I'm like, I gotta go home and shave all my body hair. That makes a huge difference. And I did. And it didn't. I shaved everything off that day, went home, and I looked down, and I'm like, nope, it has nothing to do with here. It didn't add anything. And then I heard from people who work for the Coyotes that when they would give tours to people through the facility, they would try to encourage that dude to go into the showers and lather it up. It was Keith Tkachuk that used to try to encourage him to wander around naked in the locker room when they gave tours. You could see through it, dong and out. Because that thing was. And they called him Donkey. Next time I was in a locker room, hey, Donkey. And I'm like, well, there. I shaved for nothing. Anyway, I don't remember any of the Sons ones. I was in there at the Jason Kidd, Kevin Johnson era.

[John Holmberg]

I was in nothing spectacular.

[Wayne]

Blaylock, Dominique. But I don't remember them. They.

[Brady]

The Atlanta Hawks.

[Wayne]

Yeah. Snoop, Graham.

[Brady]

What were you doing in there?

[Wayne]

Because he went to OU and I.

[Brady]

Knew him, and he got to tour the room.

[Wayne]

Yeah. I don't know why they went in after the. The Sons played him, says, come on down to the locker room.

[Brady]

Yeah. You saw Dominique. Dominique and Mookie, and there's a reason he could fly.

[Wayne]

Yeah.

[Brady]

Wasn't that impressive? Well, you showed me Mark Grace's penis, and it was. Wait, what? Yeah, show everyone. No, Brady, let's go down in the locker room. Like, really? And we went into the Diamondbacks locker room in the early 2000s, and they were all naked and Brady, and they were walking around with Coach Brinley.

[John Holmberg]

Well, you being a Cubs fan, that must have been.

[Brady]

It was exciting. And I. Why.

[Wayne]

That's why I got him out of the shower.

[Brady]

He walked out naked, walked by us, said. That's the classic story where he walked by me and said, how you doing? And I said, no problem about that loud to Naked Mark Grace because I didn't know what else to say. And since then, I've always lived with that. Anyway, good way to start your Monday. First thing I heard when I got in the car this morning, John, this is a list of dicks I'd shave. I never said that. You misunderstood something.

[Wayne]

What about someone like Tree Rollins?

[Brady]

Yeah. That's what, Like. Yeah. Why is his name Tree? Parents didn't name him Tree anyway.

[John Holmberg]

Unless his dad came out and he was.

[Brady]

Oh, Lord, this young man is not going to be called Orlando as we had planned. His name is Tree.

[John Holmberg]

Ain't no shrub neither.

[Brady]

No, no, no, no. That's a Tree. Oak. His name is either Oak or it's just Tree.

[Wayne]

Jim Root.

[Brady]

Yeah. By the way, your mama's dead. Your mama died during childbirth. I don't know what. You broke out and you busted her in half. Anyway, so. Yeah, so there you go. That's this morning's educational. The more you know almost one sickness magnetic.

[Dick Toledo]

It's Dick Toledo from Holmberg's Morning Sickness. For Chime, the checking account that helps you manage your money better. Wouldn't it be nice to have a checking account that helps you and not just charges you fees? No one likes being hit with an overdraft fee. And with Chime's Spot Me feature, you'll be covered for up to $200 until your next deposit. Chime will also never charge you a fee or interest when you need that Spot Me coverage. Your Chime account also gets you fee free cash from over 50,000 ATMs, more than the top three banks combined. So move toward a better financial future with Chime and get started [e-mail] Holmberg. You'll open your Chime checking account in two minutes. That's chime.comberg. chime feels like progress. Banking services and debit card provided by the Bancorp NA or Stride Bank. NA member is fdic. Spot Me eligibility requirements and overdraft limits apply. Fees apply at out of network ATMs. MyPay eligibility requirements apply. Credit limits range from $20, $500, $2 fee applies to get funds instantly. Chime checking account required. Go to chime.com disclosures.

[John Holmberg]

Hey, Byron. I was looking at mmpguns.com's website. You have everything and the prices are incredible.

[Byron]

Yes, sir. Mmpguns.com has over 400,000 products for sale daily. Everything from firearms, ammunition, accessories, optics, clothing, decoys and more. The best part is if you see it on our website it's in stock and ready to ship.

[John Holmberg]

Wait, there's no backorders?

[Byron]

Nope. We work with all our distributors, so what you see on our site is what's actually available. We ship all over the country, so we're not just for Arizonans anymore. If the firearm you want is legal in your state, we can get it to a dealer for you to pick up.

[John Holmberg]

Sounds simple. That's why I. I always go to.

[Brady]

MMP guns.com it's John Holmberg here and it's time to talk about TVs Doug Hopkins of My Home Group and Doug Hopkins.com he knows this market up and down and his message is simple and straightforward. He wants to buy your house for cash as is, no repairs or upgrades and a firm final offer with no chance of canceling. If he moves it at all, you get $5,000. So while the other guys come and go, Doug Hopkins is here to stay. Sell your home right now and start the entire process online@doug hopkins.com or sing Hopkins 1-800-channel. Holmberg's Morning Sickness. Now I'm getting questions. Says it's a good thing Carl Malone only had an average one like you said, John, cuz it made it easier on all those Salt Lake teens he was having sex with. Yeah, well, the rumor was out there for a little while he liked him young. The back of that weird truck. Yeah, I did. I do remember 18 Wheeler. He had the 18 Wheeler. 18 and under Wheeler. I think they called it 17. It's a 17 or 16 Wheeler. Sometimes it's 7. 13. It is time for that wake up song. What do you got over there, Burt?

[John Holmberg]

Now we're getting other cranks too here. This guy did stuff. Did basically the same thing for football teams. He said Tory Holt was 10 inches soft.

[Brady]

Yeah, they're. Look, everybody can act like you wander through the locker room of a pro sports thing. I was in there when my friend Kevin, who tripped over his dick and died. We went into the Steelers, played the Cardinals and we had press passes and went into the Steelers locker room room. And the two things I remember most was Cordell Stewart wandering around with his monster and Justin Strelzyk smoking in his uniform, which I thought was the coolest thing I'd ever seen. I didn't. And I even left. I'm like, I don't want to see Steeler dicks. This is going to change how I watch the game if any of my favorite players come out. If Greg Lloyd showed up around the corner and he had nothing, I would have had to get rid of the jersey. I needed that dude to be everything. If I ever saw James Harrison naked and it was unimpressive. Takes all the. And it just makes him angry for the wrong reason, I guess.

[John Holmberg]

Never look for your hero's dicks then.

[Brady]

That's right. Never meet your hero's dicks. That's the new. That's what I've always said. You know me. What do you got over there?

[John Holmberg]

All right. Wake Up Song brought to you by Action Ride Shop with two locations. That brand new one right there off the hawes trailhead on McDowell and Power Road. And of course the OG right there on Gilbert Road and Southern. You want to buy a new bike, you need your bike repaired. You want to rent a bike, they got you covered. And Action Ride Shop is the place to be. Actionrideshop.com Go visit Josh and the boys. They're going to take care of you.

[Brady]

On the list.

[John Holmberg]

On the list. Judas Priest, White Zombie, acdc, Ramstein Village. People in the Navy for the army parade guys twinking around out there with the waves.

[Brady]

This guy said, look, the wave was they needed to get rid of the wave.

[John Holmberg]

Whoever told army guys the pageant Waves.

[Brady]

Parade waves. The. I just won, you know. And now let's welcome Ms. Coconino County. It was that wave and your army guys. No waving.

[John Holmberg]

Ozzy. Black Sabbath. Iron man for Melania. Holding it together. Avenge Sevenfold Soil Iron Maiden, Allison Chains.

[Brady]

Faith no More.

[John Holmberg]

Hell yeah.

[Brady]

Yeah. There's some good ones up there we can go with. Let's do. Ah, you've Buried Alive by Avenge is pretty solid.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

Huh. Wanna do that for no reason whatsoever. All right, we'll go with that. Avenge seven. How about that? That'll work out. And I got this email. Oh, I got a couple of them. This one's good because I moved to Indianapolis and I'm still listening every morning. The subject is Mexican in Indiana. Pretty sweet. You guys make my day every damn time with the best morning show in the world. And the only reason I'm reading this is for the next line, Bob and Tom. Yeah, but I've always. Bob and Tom. For those of you who don't know, Bob and Tom is a. Is a show in the. In the Midwest. It's a very popular morning show between Bob is one of the hosts and his partner is named Tom. And they're called the Bob and Tom Show. And they explain everything to degrees. You can't even. Like just minutia down to the. And minutia basically means the smaller detail. Smaller detail is the definition Is that not right? Yes. And also thank you. And. And that's when that's. Laughter usually happens after a joke. Yeah. Mexican in Indiana.

[John Holmberg]

Are they still around?

[Brady]

I think so. Oh, yeah. It says, big shout out to all the homies and family. 98 KUPD rocks. Thank you, guys. Arriba Mexico. David, the Mexican in Indiana, give him some.

[John Holmberg]

Give me some lasers or something.

[Brady]

Yeah, you know what? You're not wrong, Brett. This dude needs a little peeling treatment in the morning for you in Indiana. There you go. It's the best laser we've got. That's terrifying. So, yeah, so there you go. If you're a Mexican in Indiana, man, you got way north. They're going to deport you. It's going to take them forever. But, yeah, it's a long walk. And then another guy says he was at lunch. Listen to this. I was at lunch today, and I heard a guy say, immediately wanted to talk to a manager. It was an old man complaining that earlier in the week he had chipped his tooth while he had eaten a piece of garlic flatbread. And he'd gone to the dentist, and it turns out he needed a root canal. It was costing him 1100 bucks. He said, you're paying for it. A week earlier, he chips his tooth, goes to the dentist, gets it all fixed up, goes back and builds the restaurant. Said all I could think about was your old Tony Roma stories about your old boss. So I understand you're looking for something free. Reality was, the tooth was already goner by looking at the guy. If he'd eaten soup, it would have fallen out and gotten the same result. Instead, he's trashing a respected establishment. Just thought I'd share. Best regards, Eric. Eric, tell us what restaurant this is. We can support them. If you chip your tooth at a restaurant, you don't say anything right there.

[Wayne]

Yeah, A week later.

[Brady]

A week later, you can't come back in and bill people. And by the way, if you've got soft teeth, don't eat garlic.

[Wayne]

Brent, there was a bolt in my food.

[Brady]

Immediately. I understand that John's made your night a living hell. He's ruined your life. How can I help? My guess is a free item. We're not here for anything free. We just wanted to let the management know that we're not satisfied. Well, geez. Let's run down the ways we find satisfaction. One free item. Two multiple free items. Bill Osborne would make people feel terrible for having a bad night. The young lad is trying his hardest. And he ruined your life. Life. I'm Sorry. So guess what? The meal you hated is on us.

[Wayne]

There was a story last week. This waitress, it was on Tick tock. And the couple basically kept sending stuff back. They would eat part. Part of the entree. Seven meals. Yeah, that's on her.

[Brady]

Two. It's on the waitress. Yeah, yeah. You got to. You just got to go. Hey, you guys need to leave.

[Wayne]

I know what you're doing here.

[Brady]

You need to go. You're getting a full meal. Getting it one bite at a time. And by the way, in a weird way, if she did it seven times, you ate seven man loads. Oh, because there's nothing about. That waitress wasn't doing that because she was helpful. She was doing it because she had help in the kitchen going, you know what? You want to send her back? That's fine by me.

[John Holmberg]

Guys in the kitchen were smoking cigarettes afterwards, they just blew so many times. Blew up so many times.

[Brady]

They had to close that kitchen. Those dudes were wheelchairs. After what they. They did to that lady's meal. Says, oh, my God. John said he would take Carl Malone's. Explains a lot. Maybe John's dad was right to fear that he was interested in the D. I didn't say I'd take Carl Malone that way. I said I'd switch with him.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, he didn't say he would take.

[Wayne]

When he woke up.

[Brady]

I didn't say I was in the Utah Jazz locker room and I'd take Carl Malone's one way. I didn't say that. I said I'd swap out his was better than mine. That's what I was saying, you pervert. Grow up. Can't we talk about. Can't we talk about dicks for 30 minutes? And you people, I swear, how do we make this better on every. A free item? I suppose nothing makes a complainer feel better, but, yeah, if you send your food back once, you're risking it twice. You're eating Brady's goal. You're eating Brady's grilled cheese. You just. You might as well just go attach your lips to the tap and start blowing, because that is what you're getting. Stupid. Never, ever, ever.

[John Holmberg]

Chef Peter north in the back has made you a special meal tonight.

[Brady]

So excited to help you, too, because it feels good to make your food creme fresh. Oh, man. Never. If you don't like what you got, just push it away. There was nothing worse than working at Tony Roma's and having somebody, and it was almost always women. I'll tell you this. That would polish off almost the whole thing. And they go, that was terrible. And I go, let me go get my manager. Because he handled it better than me. For terrible, it sure seemed to knock it down. Did you. Were you not sure until the 14th bite whether or not you liked this? You know what? I don't need you making me feel bad. This food was subpar at best, and I was starving. It's like you powered through. Ma' am, would you like that for free? That's my guess. And they would. They'd take the freebie, and every time the same answer when you gave them some. We weren't looking for anything free. All right, well, you got it. Here's some gift cards to come back, too. And that's his test. Bill's big test was, if it was so bad, you would never come back, right? If I ate food that sucked, I'm like, we're not coming back here. And he would go back to him to prove they were liars. Here's $40 in gift cards for next time you're here. Oh, well, we didn't. And they'd be back, like, two days later. I'm like, it was so bad. But you came back. It's the same thing as free. And you know what to do to their food, right? Oh, yeah. I'm not gonna do that. Consuelo. Chris. Chris. Chris. Table 32 needs special sauce.

[John Holmberg]

Valenzuelos are back there.

[Brady]

See Mr. Osborne? You got him. Table 32. Ejaculate. That's right. Don't shut. Chris said undelay. He didn't say ejaculate. Chris, what do you. We have better code words than that. I'm sorry. And the dream was when somebody who was a complainer would come back with their gift cards and order soup. Oh, so much you can do to soup. Anyway, I'm just letting people know you've probably eaten a lot of bodily food, but nobody more than Brady ordering grilled cheese at McDonald's. I've never heard anything worse in my life. It's Buried Alive. It's Avenged Sevenfold. It's your Wake up song. Arizona's most powerful, powerful rock radio station.