06-17-25 - Kestrels Emails And Reactions - Sky Harbor Passenger Had Measles And News Makes It Seem Worse Than It Is - Wondering If Workers Or John's Dad Has Had His Vagina Poetry Notebook All These Years

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona
Episode: June 17, 2025
Title: Kestrels Emails And Reactions - Sky Harbor Passenger Had Measles And News Makes It Seem Worse Than It Is - Wondering If Workers Or John's Dad Has Had His Vagina Poetry Notebook All These Years

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1. Kestrel Birds and Legal Ramifications

Timestamp: 01:12 - 05:20

The episode opens with a heated discussion about kestrel birds, emphasizing their protected status under the Migratory Bird Treaty Act. John Holmberg elaborates on the severe legal consequences of harming these birds:

• John Holmberg: "Kestrels are protected under the Migratory Bird Treaty Act. Various laws in Arizona. Penalties can lead to severe consequences, including fines ranging from five to $250,000. I dare you. Jail sentence. Imprisonment is a potential penalty for violating this law."

He continues to mock the notion of retaliating against those who report illegal activities:

• John Holmberg: "If bitch is walking through the alley, breaking a law, tattling on other people doing it. I'll save one for her. So long, bitch. There's another 10 grand out my pocket. I'm paying fines, baby. Yeah, 250,000."

The conversation highlights the absurdity and exaggeration surrounding both the protection laws and personal reactions to them, blending humor with critique of overzealous enforcement.

2. Measles Outbreak at Sky Harbor Airport

Timestamp: 05:20 - 23:38

A significant portion of the episode delves into a recent measles case involving a passenger at Sky Harbor Airport:

• John Holmberg: "Everyone stay home. You've all got the measles. One dude was at sky harbor on June 10 between the hours of 5pm and 10 or 11 at night. If you were in the airport at all June 10, the news has you believing you've got measles."

The hosts discuss the contagious nature of measles and the role of vaccination:

• John Holmberg: "Measles is super contagious. Super duper contagious. Like if you're around measles, you get it in a day or so, I would assume."
• Katie: "And Right. Seven days later, he just didn't know."
• John Holmberg: "Measles is super contagious. Super duper contagious. Like if you're around measles, you get it in a day or so, I would assume."

They explore the effectiveness and societal implications of vaccines:

• John Holmberg: "Two doses of measles mumps, rubella, typically given in childhood, are highly effective at preventing measles infections for life. 99% of people who receive the two doses of the measles vaccine are protected against measles for at least 15 years."

The discussion also touches on personal anecdotes and skepticism towards anti-vaccination sentiments:

• John Holmberg: "I didn't have a choice. Somebody jabbed that me when I was a baby. I've never like, marched around down the. I've never taken a shot. No jab. I got the vaccine because I was forced to. As far as I know."

3. Vaccine Efficacy and Public Health

Timestamp: 23:38 - 34:19

The conversation shifts to broader themes of vaccine efficacy and public health concerns:

• John Holmberg: "If you were vaccinated between '63 and '67, you might consider getting another dose as vaccine used then was not as effective."
• Katie: "They just got around a lot out there?"

They critically assess the role of vaccines in managing outbreaks and the potential strain on healthcare systems:

• John Holmberg: "The measles shot you get when you're a kid lasts forever. [...] I don't think it's that mad. But if you were at the airport on June 10, you should probably just go get checked."
• John Holmberg: "The problem with vaccines and people that don't get them, if there's an outbreak, it can overload the hospital system. That's Fair. Well, I'm not one of those."

4. Personal Anecdote: The Stolen Vagina Poetry Notebook

Timestamp: 23:38 - 38:45

In a poignant and humorous tangent, John Holmberg shares a personal story about a stolen notebook containing his intimate poetry:

• John Holmberg: "Remember that notebook I told you guys about when I broke up with? Well, I was broken up with. I got dumped in the mid-90s and I had my notebook of love poems."

He describes the notebook's contents and the circumstances of its theft:

• John Holmberg: "It was page after page of a five subject notebook stolen from my Jeep in the early, early hours of. Had to be like February or March of 1996. And I mean, there was a lot of tributes to the box. That was our pet name for it."

The hosts humorously speculate about the notebook's eventual discovery and misinterpretation by future generations:

• John Holmberg: "When they find that, they'll think this is a historical doctrine. [...] my old box poems 5000 years from now might be seen as how humanity lived and it would still be embarrassing."

This segment blends personal vulnerability with comedy, illustrating Holmberg's ability to navigate sensitive topics with levity.

5. Closing Remarks and Wrap-Up

Timestamp: 38:45 - End

The episode concludes with reflections on societal norms and future implications of personal artifacts:

• John Holmberg: "It's stuff that John Wayne Gacy would have in his house. It's creepy. [...] Some guy's got him in his attic and he doesn't even know it."

The hosts reiterate their concerns about the potential misinterpretation of personal writings and the legacy one leaves behind.

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Notable Quotes

1. On Kestrel Protection Laws:

   • "Kestrels are protected under the Migratory Bird Treaty Act. [...] I dare you."
     (01:12) — John Holmberg

2. On Measles Contagiousness:

   • "Measles is super contagious. Super duper contagious. Like if you're around measles, you get it in a day or so, I would assume."
     (07:17) — John Holmberg

3. On Vaccine Effectiveness:

   • "Two doses of measles mumps, rubella, typically given in childhood, are highly effective at preventing measles infections for life."
     (12:15) — John Holmberg

4. On the Stolen Notebook:

   • "It was page after page of a five subject notebook stolen from my Jeep... And I would keep it hidden in the locked box in the back of my Jeep. It was stolen."
     (24:07) — John Holmberg

5. On Future Misinterpretations:

   • "They would think this is a historical doctrine. [...] my old box poems 5000 years from now might be seen as how humanity lived and it would still be embarrassing."
     (31:24) — John Holmberg

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Conclusion

In this episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness, John Holmberg and his co-hosts navigate a blend of serious topics and personal anecdotes with humor and candidness. From discussing the legal protections of kestrel birds and the implications of a measles outbreak to sharing intimate personal stories, the hosts maintain an engaging and relatable dialogue. Notable quotes punctuate their conversations, offering listeners memorable insights and reflections on contemporary issues and personal experiences.

Transcript

[Brett]

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[Ryan Reynolds]

Thought that was funny?

[John]

You were laughing like a hyena when he said it. What the hell is wrong with you? Thank you. Miles to nowhere. Katie and the Hobbs kicking it off here in the morning sickness. And off we go. Everybody's warning me about the kestrel birds. Don't you worry about it. Don't you worry about it. Guy said. John, last week, weren't you saying, leave the rioters alone and today I will shoot and kill any animal in my yard? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I left them alone until they got lippy. That's what I said about the marchers. Act like you didn't even know they were gonna be there. And they'd walk around like, why? And then when they get lippy, my plan B, fly a helicopter over and put some of that flame retardant red on them with some pepper in it. No, I got plans, Ryan. Now I'm getting sent all of the potential. Listen to this. Says, I know a guy who. I said, I know a guy what? Heard of another guy who heard of a guy who got fined 17 grand for killing a turkey buzzard. I guess it was bothering him.

[Brett]

That's why you keep your mouth shut. You don't tell people.

[John]

I wouldn't even know what that is. Yeah, and there's the other thing. Who's the rat that told you? Killed a turkey buzzard. Here's the thing. Arizona Game Fish Department. Pretty serious about birds? Protected species. Kestrels are protected under the Migratory Bird Treaty Act. Various laws in Arizona. Penalties can lead to severe consequences, including fines ranging from five to $250,000. I dare you. Jail sentence. Imprisonment is a potential penalty for violating this law. I dare you. Confiscation of possessions. Any property used in the violation. Hunting equipment, anything like that could be confiscated. Revocation of licenses. Hunting or other relevant licenses can be revoked. I dare you.

[Brett]

I don't see you going hunting anytime soon. So you're good.

[John]

And I also don't know who's going to tattle on me. I'll be in my own backyard. That Snow White might do it. Oh, yeah, you might start.

[Katie]

Watch out for that Karen walking her dog.

[John]

Just looks like I got it. Oh, no, there's none of that. If she's walking by my backyard, I'm shooting her too.

[Katie]

Alley.

[John]

Well, let her walk by the alley. You're not allowed to do that. That's against the law too.

[Katie]

You're not supposed to use the walk in your alleys.

[John]

You cannot take walks in the alley. You take. The alley is for trash and out. It is illegal to. I'll tell you right now, if you're gonna start throwing laws at me, I'll throw one back at you. Illegal.

[Katie]

Exact.

[John]

If bitch is walking through the alley, breaking a law, tattling on other people doing it. I'll save one for her. So long, bitch. There's another 10 grand out my pocket. I'm paying fines, baby. Yeah, 250,000. You imagine that you're fine for killing that kestrel bird in your backyard that was dropping dead animals into your pool and causing havoc is $250,000. Oh, well, let me write a check here. Right. 250,000, right? What are you doing? That's not. That doesn't say. What do you mean a hearty. You. You can't write that on a check. I just did.

[Brett]

Why does it pay to the order of Asshole.

[John]

Pay to the order of this right here. Well, that's not my name. Can't pay it.

[Katie]

Instead you sit down for five years. What are you in for?

[John]

Please.

[Katie]

Killing the Kestrel.

[John]

That's right. I'd be a hero. I'd be. There's no possible way and again, I'd have to have, like Brady said, that bitch that Brady was talking about a second ago, breaking the law, taking walks in the alley, which is wildly illegal. You know why they say don't do that? Because then homeless people can't use alleys as thoroughfares. If you see people wandering in your alley and stuff taking walks, they're technically breaking the law. You can rat them out, but I'd only do it if it was a homeless don't have that problem. But that's why. So if some lady in the alley, Brady, in your scenario, is wandering around, looking to tattle while she breaks the law.

[Katie]

Nosy Nelly.

[John]

Got a lot of nerve on you, bitch. You just broke the law. So did you. Taking your dog for a walk in the alley. You want one? You want one in your lips, bitch? You're mean. I understand. If I was you, I'd be hiding that face in an alley, too. I wouldn't walk around in the streets. Good thing about your face, lady and Brady's scenario we're making up. You walk the streets, no one will ever solicit you for prostitution. Because you're disgusting. $250,000. You'd have to tell on me. You would have to tell on me. I might do it just for fun. You know what? I'll just tell them my company will pay for it. That seems to work. Hey, Tripp, I got a bill for you. There's a little trouble over there. And I said you'd cover. I wasn't in on that conversation. Yeah, that's how it works. Also, you all have measles, according to the news. Everyone stay home. You've all got the measles. One dude was at sky harbor on June 10 between the hours of 5pm and 10 or 11 at night. If you were in the airport at all June 10, the news has you believing you've got measles. There's no question about it. Here's what I'm more worried about. His flight. He was trapped on that tube. That's where you really got to worry about, the measles. I'm not so worried about the Hudson News being affected by his measles. I'd have to go out of my way to find him. But if you get up on that, you know he was in terminals three and four. So he was probably flying in on Spirit and then flying out on Southwest. That's my guess, yeah. If you're on a tube with a guy, why don't they just tell us who it is? What flight was he on? Because if they know he was in the airport, they know who it is. Tell the people who were on the plane and then that spread.

[Katie]

Maybe they're contacting those people.

[John]

By the way, if you're not sick by now, you probably don't have it. I'm guessing, right. Measles is super contagious. Super duper contagious. Like if you're around measles, you get it in a day or so, I would assume.

[Katie]

And Right. Seven days later, he just didn't know.

[John]

I don't know. He must have.

[Katie]

Measles.

[John]

It's all itchy and bumpy. I don't know. I don't know. But he was on the plane, so that's what I'd worry about more. But the news is like, if you were even close to the airport on June 10, you probably got horrible measles. I don't think it's that mad. But if you were at the airport on June 10, you should probably just go get checked. And most of us, I believe, are vaccinated. Right.

[Brett]

For measles.

[John]

The measles shot you get when you're a kid lasts forever. Yeah.

[Katie]

If you were early on, I think. But then I forget what the dip is like. There was a point where people weren't getting it.

[John]

Oh, yeah, No, I know that. There's the anti vaxxers that decide not to get it. And if you're not vaccinated, that's the risk you've been running that way. Sure, I'm fine with that. I have no, I. Look, people get upset when you talk about vaccines. I got no problem with you making that choice. I'm vaccinated from measles. I didn't have a choice. Somebody jabbed that me when I was a baby. I've never like, marched around down the. I've never taken a shot. No jab. I got the vaccine because I was forced to. As far as I know. I don't even remember it happening. But I'm not scared of no measles. It comes my way. I think I'm pretty much covered. I don't know if I get it. I get it. But if you're not vaccinated, that's the risks you run. If you decided not to get a measles vaccine and measles breaks out, don't start yelling at everybody else that it's a problem and isn't it? Like, aren't all the, like, I watch the doctors on TV and all the people who are like, smug about vaccines and stuff was on the news last night going, if you're vaccinated, everything's fine. They're kind of smug about it. Aren't they happy when measles breaks out because it doesn't get rid of the ones that they don't like the most? Like the ones that get mad about vaccines. Like, doesn't it eliminate their foe when the measles gets out? If the unvaccinated are the ones most at risk, isn't it. Aren't the people who are so angry at them in the first place, shouldn't they be happy that the measles is breaking out?

[Katie]

There's a bit of that, I bet.

[John]

Yeah. I would imagine that there's sort of a strut or a boastfulness about like, well, I'm vaccinated and you're not. It's the told you so kind of factor.

[Katie]

I'm drinking a cup of measles right now.

[John]

I'm rolling around in measles like crazy. What are you doing? I didn't get vaccinated because I'm not taking any chances. I think you are. Were you at the airport? So if you're at the airport on 10 June, which was seven days ago, and there was a dude next to you, and he had, like, a lot of bites. Who? Toledo, Tuesday. Who's there? Trip.

[Katie]

Oh, Trip.

[John]

Trip, probably. What if it's Tripp? He's at the airport all the time. Was it a Tuesday? It was last. Yeah, it was last Tuesday. He flew out last Tuesday somewhere, or maybe Monday afternoon.

[Katie]

I don't know.

[John]

No, he was here on Tuesday last week because we had that. There was that little lunch thing that they went to the baseball game Wednesday. So he came back Tuesday and went to the baseball game on Wednesday and then flew out again. He's got measles. Tripp's got the measles.

[Brett]

Well, let's see if any of the salespeople, because that was a super spreader.

[John]

That's right. And then. Okay, here's the new thing. Tripp, our boss, has measles badly, guaranteed. Watch the news last night. He's always at the airport. He's got measles, and he took it to the ballpark on the 11th. So trip spread measles from. Not all this is breaking news, everybody. This is our guaranteed trips. Measles are everywhere at this point. Oh, my God. What an irresponsible man he's become. So, yeah, he had measles from his trip to Seattle. So if you were in a. I don't know. What? He flies.

[Brett]

Wait a minute. He's not flying. Flying Spirit or.

[John]

No, no, he flies. Yeah, us or whatever. American. Is that what they call it now?

[Katie]

It might be Alaskan to Seattle.

[John]

Oh, that could be. They might fly Alaskan either way. Measles. He brought them with him, gave everybody terrible measles and then came back the next day with his measles and went to the ballpark. This is according to the news, our own trip Reed.

[Katie]

Sources.

[John]

No, me. It's me. I'll take the heat for this. Yep, that's it. He's Woof. This is not good. So he should get checked out. He's not a young, young buck anymore.

[Katie]

He got the vaccine.

[John]

I'm sure he's. He's got the old vaccine that left scars. Yeah, mine was the.

[Brett]

Like when it looks like a cigarette.

[John]

Yeah, it looks like somebody put a cigar out on you. Yeah, no, Brady was. Brady was of the last couple years of that. I wonder if Toledo's got it because when I. When I was a child, they developed some sort of new technology. They didn't have to torch you. Do you have it? So they didn't get so starting in like you might have been the last year of that Brady.

[Katie]

I don't even know.

[John]

Yeah, I was 68. So they. They didn't give you the cigar burn usually right up around your.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Yeah, cuz it's. The cigar burn was multiple needles at the same time.

[John]

Yeah. They just hammered you everything at once. Yeah, my mom's got one on her arm. It's huge. Oh, they last. Yeah. Forever.

[Katie]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

Chickenpox scars.

[John]

How big is that? When you're a kid and they used to jab that in your arm and it's a scar that lasts forever. Anyway, it says a measles vaccine provides lifelong immunity. Two doses of measles mumps, rubella, typically given in childhood, are highly effective at preventing measles infections for life. 99% of people who receive the two doses of the measles vaccine are protected against measles for at least 15 years. Well, that at first said lifetime and then 15 years. It's important to note that in rare cases, immunity wanes over time, especially in individuals with weakened immune systems. However, most people, the vaccine provides a lifelong protection. So. Yeah. Isn't this just getting rid of the people who decided not to do it? Shouldn't we be kind of happy?

[Katie]

I don't know about happy.

[John]

I'm not unhappy. That ends the debate, doesn't it? Like if all the measles looks like it works Yeah. I mean, it's kind of like if I'm standing there looking at you going, should have got the shot. Jacked ass. They're like, oh, I don't do that. I'm like, all right, well, I'm gonna go outside and be normal while you sit in your incubator and try to figure out what to do next.

[Ryan Reynolds]

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[John]

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[Katie]

And are there you know I guess what they the reason why maybe you're not doing it is because they're worried about it makes side effects.

[John]

Well it turns you retard. They think yeah they think that all the kids are autistic because of that and then that got proven right or wrong. I don't know. That could be but I'd rather even be A little bit autistic, and I think I might be. Than I would have, you know, be afraid of the airport on Tuesdays. If I can wander around the airport with a little bit of OCD and autism. Well, I've been doing that my whole life. I'm pretty cool with that. I don't want the measles. I understood the argument against the COVID vaccine. That just came out of nowhere. And then they started telling everybody, take this. We're not sure what it is. I got that. You know, I still took the shot. Oh, well, measles. They just jabbed that in me with a. I don't think anybody was lippy back then about it. I think doctors just did it anyway. My doctor was Dr. King. He carried his syringe like a heroin addict. It would stick out of his top pocket. It was silver, and it was massive. And he'd unscrew the bottom of it. It took him forever to give you a shot. Scarring childhood memories of needing shots from that guy. And he would unscrew the thing on the bottom and then, like, load it. He loved this gigantic syringe. Pull the two little triggers back, like he was shooting a bow and arrow into my ass.

[Brett]

It's like the doctor from Cannonball Run.

[John]

It was exactly that. It was exact. Jack Elam had that. That was thing, which is why I thought that guy was so funny. That was Dr. King when I was a kid. You need a shot. He loved giving people shots. And the more you hated it, the more he liked doing it. Oh, he's afraid of needles, huh?

[Katie]

Good.

[John]

He's got a sore throat, needs a shot. I don't think Dr. King was a legitimate doctor, by the way. Lowell, Indiana, he was just a guy who showed up with a white coat and said, sure, I'm a doctor. Walking around with his heroin needles, just firing it at anybody. Dr. King. And that's to this day. You saw me try to give.

[Brett]

Oh, yeah.

[John]

Get my finger pricked by that lady who was taking blood from us. Oh, I was gonna cry. It's Dr. King's fault. When I was three and four years old, when he'd come at me with that gigantic spear. Yeah, that's it. So if you don't have a measles vaccine and you're at the airport last week. My problem. The news makes it seem like we're all going to get it. This one says, the problem with vaccines and people that don't get them, if there's an outbreak, it can overload the hospital system. That's Fair. Well, I'm not one of those. But if you come crying to me that you got the measles in, it's going to get you. I'm like, well, we had a thing for that. Your fault. You can't be afraid of all those vaccines. Right?

[Katie]

And how did they get around a lot out there?

[John]

How did you get around it? Like, as an adult, I understand that kids now, people got lippy and they won't give their kids that stuff, but how did you get around it? When you're my age, I don't ever remember having a choice or signing a document, and it was just happening.

[Brett]

Now, your parents might have.

[John]

I don't even think my parents could have said no. I think Dr. King was going to hit me with those.

[Katie]

That was just a requirement. Yeah, it felt that way.

[John]

Yeah. Well, I don't know. I never did it. There was a lady we worked with that was a. Remember, she was a Christian Scientist and wouldn't give her kids, like, anything at all, like aspirin, nothing. If their kids got sick and it was time to go, they were just gonna die from it. And she wandered around pretty comfortable with that. And then she died really young of, like, head cold or allergies or something. I don't even know. It wasn't even that bad, but she would never.

[Katie]

I thought maybe it was cancer, but I don't know.

[John]

She was my first exposure to no medicine. And I mean, like, no med, not even, like, Formula 44D. Like, you couldn't have cough syrup. You couldn't have an allergy pill if it was God's way of killing you. You're going down. And her kids would get, like, violently ill sometimes. And then they'd come back and she's like, well, their immune system's stronger. I'm like, I don't know. I think I'd rather have a weakened immune system than go through hell just because I have a head cold.

[Brett]

I'll take my chances.

[John]

Sister, can you imagine not being able to take Mucinex when you're. Or, you know, Flonase?

[Brett]

Oh, yeah.

[John]

They weren't allowed to do anything. I think they were sneaking it on the side. It's also kind of a smart way to be a parent because the worst drug your kid can take is, like, Dimetap, and you're like that. He's jonesing for some Flonase. Gotta get it fixed, man. You got Flonase. But I don't even know if her kids lived.

[Katie]

They did. And I. I think they're a little More lenient on the.

[John]

Oh, probably drug addicts. Who? The Christian Scientists? Or just her family.

[Katie]

Her. The family might have.

[John]

Yeah, they probably pulled back a little bit when one of them had a head cold. That hurt too long. Yeah, she was. She was adamant about it. I remember she was yelling at me once because I took flonase in front of her. Took a nasal spray. Oh, Katie, bar the door. She had no problem telling me her feelings. I don't believe in any medicines whatsoever. And I'm like, aspirin, not nothing. You're gonna die young. She did. This guy debates. It says, I design hospitals for a living. That's a good gig. They never get full. That's a myth. Even during COVID there was always a couple of beds. Yeah, but the hospitals can't get full. But maybe the doctors aren't enough to take care of it. That's the other part. All I know is I could have licked all the stuff at the airport last Tuesday and I'd still not have measles. Not worried about it. And if you get the measles, I.

[Katie]

Mean, you have to, you know, like, we heard a couple of weeks ago about the latest vaccine to battle the super gonorrhea, and it's got a 30 to 40% effect.

[John]

Yeah. The effectiveness is terrible, those vaccines. Unless the doctors like lifetime protection, I'm probably not taking the 40% success rate on gonorrhea. I'm not that worried about gonorrhea. Like, I'm not going to go to the airport. And the gonorrhea outbreak. I'm like, I stayed away from it. I'm not getting jabbed there either. Not taking the needle or the gonorrhea crank at the airport. So I'm not really worried about that one catching me.

[Katie]

Like Jay Moore's joker, he takes it all. He's like, give it all. Like, all the stuff I put in my body.

[John]

Exactly. I look at Keith Rich.

[Katie]

The last one I got was in back of the Walmart. Yeah, guy.

[John]

I'll take a vaccine at a Walmart. It's cheaper. The I. I remember arguing with everybody over that. I didn't care about whether you took the vaccine or not, but I just. I marveled at how many people eating, you know, Cheetos and guzzling disgusting alcoholic beverages. And I'm not putting that in my body. That was the big thing that made me laugh during COVID It's like, I will not put that in my body. You don't know what's in that. Meanwhile, just processed everything.

[Katie]

Give me the nitrates.

[John]

Yeah, give me the Little Debbies and the Cheetos. Okay, I get it, you don't want that. But let's not act like your body's being treated like a temple here. You're. You're not exactly monitoring all the intake. You're taking a stand against this. I get it. But, you know, meanwhile popping high blood pressure pills so you can keep eating nonsense. It's like, who do you think's regulating those? That's different. Okay, I'm fine with it. But if you didn't take the measles shot when you were a kid and you don't like the vaccines, I get it.

[Katie]

And I think there's some truth to some of that stuff where, you know, where immunity systems sure.

[John]

Gets a little stronger.

[Katie]

We're stronger when, you know, 40, 50.

[John]

Years ago, that chance. Because I remember prior to polio, they all had that, hey, let's see. Immune system.

[Katie]

It's gotten softer now that we've our immune system.

[John]

Yeah, probably. Yeah. I'm not. I got no problem with you not taking vaccines. That's up to you. That's an individual's right. But you're probably gonna die from measles, and I'm not. So I went totally fine with it. I have a weird feeling in my head that. Remember that notebook I told you guys about when I broke up with? Well, I was broken up with. I. I got dumped in the mid-90s and I had my. My notebook of love poems.

[Katie]

To the vagina.

[John]

To the, to her vagina. And it was page after page of a five subject notebook stolen from my Jeep in the early, early hours of. Had to be like February or March of 1996. And I mean, there was a lot of tributes to the box. That was our pet name for it.

[Katie]

Where did you keep it? In the glove compartment?

[John]

No, I had. I took the back seat out of this particular Jeep. It was a 1987 or 86 CJ7. And a lot of times when you bought the Jeeps new back then, they didn't include the back seat. It was just a. It was like a add on. It was. Yeah, there were no carpet. There was nothing. You could add the back seat if you wanted. I took mine out and I put in a big box for storage.

[Katie]

Like a trunk?

[John]

Yeah, like a trunk. And put a lock on the back of it and then put a couple speakers in there to thump it. Right. It was a target. Because I would drive around like an idiot blasting music in this Jeep and there was no, you know, it Was denim. You could. So they went like a pair of jeans.

[Katie]

They went after the speakers.

[John]

Yeah, they went. Well, more than likely. They weren't there for the poetry, Brady. I'm guessing the thieves were like, that dude's a strong poet. The pros we got to get in that Jeep. No, he. The people that were getting in there wanted the stereo had a Fosgate and a nice amp underneath the passenger seat, all that. The CD player was ahead of the game and took it all out. But inside that trunk that they broke into to, you know, get the speakers. And they cut the top of my Jeep and like, the. The denim just in half opened it up. Actually, this one was my 93. This was not my CJ7, but I took the seat out of this one, too. This was my 93, by the way. Terrible year for Jeep. Yeah. So they cut the top. It was still that old, you know, cruddy top. And then opened it up and got the. The Vagina Monologues. Way before that was a thing, I had written several poems to my ex girlfriend's vagina that I was going to someday deliver to her one at a time. The plan was, each day she would receive another poem about her vagina. Flowery indeed. Some funny, some heartfelt, all ridiculous style.

[Katie]

Sonnets.

[John]

There were sonnets. There were. There was long longhand, prosecutors. There were short stories, haikus. There was. There was. There was shorts. There was a lot. There was a lot. And I would keep it hidden in the locked box in the back of my Jeep. It was stolen. And it's been a fear of mine for now, 29 years, going on 30, that this will eventually surface because my name is also signed.

[Katie]

It riddled sign.

[Brett]

It was in your Trapper Keeper or something.

[John]

Oh, yeah. It was the Mead 5. It was the 5 Bad Boy Notebook. So, you know, the first one. And I tried to write that much. I did. Oh, jeez. There might have been 15 to 20 pages that did not have writing on it. And each. Each subject can remember those things had five subjects. So there was a divider after about a hundred pages, those big thick notebooks. And then you could start a new. Like, this can be your social studies. And then I used it as. This is going to be just flat poems. This is a freehand. This is just a stream of consciousness writing. This is haikus and other short stories. And so I had each one broken down into categories. And I knew where to turn when I had the. The moment when. Oh, songs. The. The fifth thing was a song. Lyrics.

[Brett]

What are you Chuck D Now over there with your rhyme books, you hear.

[John]

Question and her body.

[Katie]

Would you do most of the riding nighttime?

[John]

No, no, no. I would go get it out. Yeah. I would go out to the car.

[Katie]

And you go to your room.

[Brett]

He had to hide it there because Dan might have seen and goes, oh, Jesus Christ.

[John]

Bingo. If Dan found my vagina book, it would have been happy that I'm not gay. But he'd been like. But he is kind of gay. He's doing poems.

[Katie]

Dan return it.

[John]

Yeah.

[Katie]

After 30 years.

[John]

Yeah.

[Katie]

I wanted to give you.

[John]

Oh, if he's got it, he would. It would. He'd be laughing with tubes in his nose. I need you to do something for me, boy. Reach into my duffel. It might be the last thing I see you do. Pull out that maroon book. You've had this. And he died happy.

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[John]

Morning sickness. Yeah. So I worry about that surfacing someday. And more importantly, like it could be hundreds of years from now. You know what I mean? Because they just found a scroll in Egypt 5,000 years old. They think that's just some dudes. Like, it's just. They say it's a diary. Well, no, it's just like a page they found. But it's just horrible stuff. Like, and, but they, but everything they find is historical evidence. It's not just like Brett. 5,000 years ago, writing down I'm gonna you up like everything's a threat to a nation. Nothing they ever find is just an innocuous piece of paper from some nobody jackass. 5000 years ago they found this. And they're like this must mean something. I think they're gonna attack the menabadites or whatever. It's always meaningful that they found it.

[Katie]

But they found it isn't the look.

[Brett]

Of the cans of Margot Robbie type notes or y.

[Katie]

They have found some of that stuff. Oh good free riding he's talking about.

[John]

But this one, they're like if I'm genitalia, it's a manuscript. Just. Well, that would be mine. It's a tomb. That's what I worry about. Because they always say, well they had a fascination like with the sexual this, that and the other. But my. If they. If the future generations, if there's nuclear annihilation and then man comes back from Mars to repopulate the earth and the one thing they find is my old box poems. And they're gonna be like, this was how they used to talk. Like they'll think this is a historical doctrine.

[Katie]

You know, do they take that and model society at the time after these poetry?

[John]

Yes. And everything will be built in vagina shapes. And all the drawings of the past will be men were. They were addicted to it. And they pray. They praised it. They. It was such on worshiped it. They worshiped it all on a pedestal. And evidently the queen of all of them was a girl named Jackie. And her they called it. A box was pristine and the man wanted to milk it. I don't know what that means. It was. There was some flowery writing, but if it ever gets found by future generations the way they found this thing in Egypt. Because when they find that. Whenever I see the headline says 5000 year old manuscript find an Egyptian tomb, I'm like, oh God, that thing's changed.

[Katie]

Some stories on history.

[John]

If all things are destroyed.

[Katie]

They've recently. I mean that's one.

[John]

Yeah, but these are dumb, Brady. The point being like this could be.

[Katie]

You look at the piece they show.

[John]

Sure. This. This could be you. This is all they found.

[Katie]

I know.

[John]

And they put it together like it's some. You know, it has to be some amazing. The guy in the tomb might have been a jackass. It might have been Toledo and he wrote down something dumb. And now it's got all sorts of meaning. Just like my stupid book of vagina poems 5000 years from now might be seen as how humanity Lived and it would still be embarrassing. And they find it in my tomb. Huge fear of mine that at my funeral it's an open casket and people show up and they say their last respects. And then the one guy who stole it's been waiting for me to die and throws the thing in there inside my casket. And then it gets buried. And thousands of years from now, they unearth my casket and that and me are in there and it's like, he must have been a king. They kept his writing.

[Brett]

Or the Brian Adams girl shows up. He was throws in the casket with you.

[John]

He doesn't have it.

[Brett]

You never know.

[John]

Although she did turn to drugs, so she might have stolen my speakers and found it. Mike, I gotta get rid of this.

[Brett]

It was the only thing that Mo Money pond wouldn't buy right now. Ain't buying a notebook.

[John]

Yeah.

[Katie]

Pawn the speakers.

[Brett]

Yep.

[John]

My guess is there's some meth heads or some Tony Roma's cooks that got a couple of really nice speakers and had a time of their life reading an entire notebook for days and let's go do. Let's go read the book.

[Katie]

We gotta say something. No, we can't because we got the speaker.

[John]

They may or may not have known it's me, but the people who had the MCC Friday night smoke outs and would read a page every week got two or three years worth of the best entertainment of their life.

[Brett]

You don't think the Chris Valenzuela's got it? P.J.

[John]

John. P.J. john loves the box, huh?

[Katie]

They couldn't read it.

[John]

One of them could. You're right. Most of them could not lead. Chris Valenzuela cook. God, I hope that thing comes back and I gotta. Because the poof.

[Katie]

How many do you think you remember?

[John]

Oh, I don't remember any of them. I remember like when I would. When I would title them because I would read it a few times ago. This one's called Flower of a Goddess. Then on the top of it I would like box, letter and then color in flower of a goddess. Yeah, yeah. And then, you know, like artistically write names, her name down the side of the page.

[Brett]

Weren't you ever worried that like stemmings or anybody was going to find that thing?

[Katie]

That was a gutsy move.

[Brett]

I mean.

[John]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Keep it in the jeep if everybody's riding around or something.

[John]

No, there was no reason for Mark to go through that. The only thing I really worried about was like a car crash where I died. And, you know, that's risky. Yeah, it was a little risky, but it Was. It was for love. So what's the. The risk was worth it.

[Brett]

Oh, geez.

[John]

But you think about it. No girl's gonna be happy with that. Like, I never once wrote about her personality. I never. I didn't write any poems about her face. Probably included in that was, you know.

[Katie]

When I looked at her eyes or anything like that.

[John]

Yeah, maybe some, but it was always. Yeah, but I was always heading down. Like, it might have started there, but I was always. I'd work my way down there. Yeah, I never really wrote about your, you know, hysterical laugh, your beautiful smile. None of that was just. It all worked its way right down to the honey hole because I was at the time sort of addicted to that. And turns out a couple years later, when she came back, she was addicted to me too. And then I looked at her and I'm like, jesus Christ, what was I thinking? And we moved on.

[Brett]

She wrote an amazing song.

[John]

She did. She penned this. Ten years after it came out, she wrote this song. Pretty amazing. But hopefully there is no. There is no chance that in the. In the future generations that this comes out and becomes the historical documents of the. Of human man circa 1996. And then we built monuments to vaginas. In a way, it kind of is accurate, though, because everything we build is for. There's no way we'd build malls. I mean, the whole reason Amazon exists is for women. Malls are for women. Everything we build is to impress them. I don't see a lot of all female construction crews putting up, like, bass pro shops, you know, Seems like they.

[Katie]

Don'T appreciate as much anymore.

[John]

You don't think, you know, feeling. You don't feel the appreciation of man's advances. Yeah, well, mainly because man invented pornhub. Because we got tired of building malls and not getting enough credit for it. So we were taking care of business on our own. But yeah, the. The Vagina Monologues are out there somewhere. Somewhere. And there's some guy's got him in his attic and he doesn't even know it. And they're going to surface my. My crossed fingers. Hope is the dudes who stole everything out of the back of that. There is no possible way. And when they went through the booty of what they took out of my Jeep that they didn't go, what's in this? And go, this dude just writing vagina poems.

[Katie]

They checked. The thing they were checking was, is there cash? And.

[John]

Yeah, and then they chucked it. It's evidence. It's my hope rating. But if they got to, like, Page two or three. The chuckles would have been worth hanging on to that more than the pioneer pull out CD player. That, by the way, good on you for stealing that. Those things never worked.

[Katie]

How great would have been if it was like, you know, two years later.

[John]

New York Times bestseller and some guys just sitting there like. Liquor Box was my favorite one. So clever, spelled with a Q. Hey, wait a minute. I wrote Liquor box. L, I Q, U O R. Liquor Box was mine. Flower of a goddess. This was. This came to me in a dream. Yeah, I did that. So Box poems. I should try to start that again. But it would all be hilarious now because I'm not putting my heart on a page ever again. It's not worth the risk.

[Katie]

Hatchet wound of love.

[John]

Oh, there were a few of them, Brady, that would have made you cringe because some of them were, you know, that time of the month related.

[Katie]

Oh, man.

[John]

Yep. I believe there's. I would. I would go out on a limb here and say that a couple of them were probably titled Detroit, fly my little red wings. Yeah. Yeah. Detroit would have been like. It would have been titled, the weather.

[Katie]

Was rough that day.

[John]

Going to Detroit, the Red Sea, Parting the Red Sea. And I'd have figured she'd have found that romantic.

[Brett]

Yeah, most women would probably not.

[John]

You don't see a lot of Hallmark cards that say, you know, sympathy, get well, Vagina praise. It was magic. I learned my lesson. I kind of came out of that spell and moved on. I praised it too hard, but it was taken away. Brady. Michael says. Brady says he feels underappreciated. The guy who forgets about Mother's Day, telling his kid he's the one. Yeah, that's true. You didn't. You need to. You can't say the word unappreciated. You're gonna get hit with a rolling pin. You're not feeling appreciated, huh? You didn' to tell our kid it was Mother's Day. I couldn't hear you. I was using my Father's Day presents. What do you got on the big board of musical treats there, Burt?

[Brett]

All right. Wake Up Song brought to you by Action Ride Shop. And we keep telling you guys, you want. You want the bikes, you need to get that bike service. Do you want to rent one? You just want to get there, out there on the trail, get healthy this summer. Well, Action Ride Shop is the place to do it. And head on over to the brand new store right there on power Road and McDowell, right by the Hawes Trailhead. Get up early, go on down There, hit the trail and then come on. Get your bike serviced. Best wrenches in town. And if you're not over by HA's. Me just go to the OG right there on Gilbert Road and Southern ActionRideshop.com is where you need to be.

[John]

This guy says, if that notebook ever surfaced, would you authenticate it? I believe I would. I don't think I'd have a choice. My name was all over that thing. And this guy says, does Megan's box not merit a poem? Nobody does. No, nobody. Nobody's does. Trust me. The obsessive nature in which these were written is criminal. It's. It's the stuff that John Wayne Gacy would have in his house. It's. It's creepy. Anyone who wrote this much about that would then have their wife immediately take it to a lawyer and go, he's going to kill someone.

[Katie]

Back to the vaccines they just got. Go on circling back around.

[John]

Sure. Good timing.

[Katie]

If you're vaccinated between 63 and 67, you might consider getting another dose as vaccine used then was not as effective.

[John]

That's right. The measles. I'm good. I'm fine too. What's on the big board?

[Brett]

Right on the list. A lot of them going to you. Iron Maiden, Run to the Hills, the eagle is Landed from Avatar. Black crows. Remedy done then. All right.

[John]

That's one of my favorite songs. Remedy by the Black Crows. All right, we're gonna stick with the bird theme of those horrible birds that have taken over my backyard. They don't. I need a couple of those.

[Brett]

Those.

[John]

What are they called? Crackles and black crows and those big old black crackle. They sit in the backyard and just scream and all other birds hate them and they're huge.

[Katie]

Get a. Pick up a crow call.

[John]

I don't even know what that is.

[Katie]

Like if you can get them at Bass Pro or something.

[John]

I'm not going in there. That's no. That's no.

[Brett]

Yeah, I do that. I want to see that. I want to see video of that.

[John]

That deserves a you, Brady. I'm not doing that. I'm not going to bass for an hour a night.

[Katie]

I'll be out of there a week.

[John]

I'll just stay in the house. They'll. They won't bother me in there until they all go away. Yeah, let's do it. Remedy is such a great song. Arizona's most powerful, powerful roc radio station.