06-17-25 - Kestrels Have Moved In And Taken Over John's Yard And Kicked Out Other Birds Mafia Style - Nextdoor App Post From PHX PD Warns Of Training Noises And Not To Call 911 For It

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona Episode: June 17, 2025
Host: John Holmberg
Co-Hosts: Brady Bogan, Brett Fesley, Dick Toledo
Description: In this episode, Brett Fesley shares his escalating backyard bird issue, transitioning from lovebirds to pigeons, and now dealing with aggressive kestrels. The discussion intertwines with neighborhood dynamics and a peculiar public service announcement from the Phoenix Police Department regarding military training exercises.

---

1. Introduction to Brett’s Backyard Bird Dilemma

Timestamp: [00:00 - 02:49]

The episode kicks off with promotional segments for local businesses, including Action Ride Shop and Mint Mobile. These segments set a light-hearted tone before transitioning into the main content.

---

2. From Lovebirds to Kestrels: Brett’s Bird Battle

Timestamp: [02:49 - 19:02]

Brett Fesley introduces listeners to his escalating bird problem:

• Lovebirds Era:
  "When I first moved into this place, nothing but lovebirds in the backyard… it's like having parrots. They were zero responsibility."
  [02:10]

  Brett fondly recalls the initial peace with lovebirds, appreciating their vibrant colors and minimal upkeep.

• Pigeon Invasion:
  "Then for some reason, they started to move out. And I had a pigeon issue… the pigeons took over like a restroom."
  [03:35]

  The pigeons caused significant nuisance with their noise and mess, prompting Brett’s frustration.

• Kestrel Takeover:
  "Replaced by the mob bird. Well, I've just now been recently introduced to beautiful kestrel… but they're ruining everything."
  [04:50]

  Brett describes kestrels as majestic yet problematic predators, constantly attacking and dropping dead birds in his pool. He humorously likens them to mobsters:

  "They're like, 'Better get 20,' 'Get 15,' and I said, 'Sold.'”
  [05:00]

  The kestrels' aggressive behavior leads Brett to consider extreme measures to reclaim his yard.

• Host Reactions:
  Brady Bogan and John Holmberg engage with Brett’s woes, offering both sympathy and comedic relief. Brady suggests:

  "There's gotta be a nest around here."
  [06:46]

  Brett elaborates on the kestrels' behavior, emphasizing their dominance and the inconvenient presence of dead birds:

  "They started moving and they all go in the same spot… messages are being sent."
  [07:26]

---

3. Neighborhood Dynamics and “Bird Gentrification”

Timestamp: [19:02 - 34:05]

Brett introduces the concept of "bird gentrification," where pigeons (the "low rent" birds) are replaced by more aggressive kestrels (the "high rent" birds):

"It's bird gentrification. We got rid of the pigeons… except for I'm not sure I like how he did it."
[05:01]

He expresses concern over the kestrels’ increasing numbers and their disruptive influence on his backyard.

• Community Involvement:
  Brett discusses the impact on his neighborhood, noting the presence of other birds and the general unease among residents. The conversation touches on strategies to deter these birds, including suggestions like using drones or shiny objects.

• Humorous Analogies:
  Brett humorously compares the kestrels and an accompanying owl to mobsters:

  "The owl is Tony Soprano. And the rest of them are his henchmen."
  [07:35]

  This analogy underscores the perceived hierarchy and control the birds exert over his property.

---

4. Public Service Announcement: Phoenix PD’s Military Training Alert

Timestamp: [20:19 - 24:34]

Interwoven with the main discussion, Brett critiques a Nextdoor App post from the Phoenix Police Department (PHX PD):

• Announcement Details:
  "Beginning Monday through June 21, the U.S. Department of Defense will be conducting military training around Phoenix… Residents may notice low flying helicopters, simulated gunfire, and controlled explosions."
  [20:19]

  The PHX PD advises residents not to call 911 during these exercises, framing it as standard military training.

• Brett’s Interpretation:
  Brett perceives this announcement skeptically, suggesting it inadvertently signals to malicious actors that there are opportune times to "start shooting and blowing things up":

  "It's the dumbest warning I've ever seen in my life. Isn’t this just an announcement to bad guys that there's a specific time you can start shooting…?"
  [21:14]

  His frustration highlights concerns about community safety and the effectiveness of such public announcements.

• Co-Hosts’ Perspectives:
  Brady Bogan and John Holmberg engage with Brett's skepticism, debating the intentions and implications of the PHX PD’s message.

---

5. Strategies and Solutions: Tackling the Kestrel Menace

Timestamp: [24:34 - 35:38]

Brett discusses various strategies to manage the kestrel invasion:

• Bird Repellents:
  "Some guy said there are bird repellent sprays you can get online… Does that kill everything though?"
  [24:00]

  Brett is skeptical about the effectiveness and potential collateral damage of chemical repellents.

• Physical Deterrents:
  Suggestions include using drones or reflective objects to scare the birds, though Brett notes that kestrels seem unbothered by such measures:

  "I've got to build a dome over the house… that's awful. But they're everywhere."
  [25:34]

• Extreme Measures:
  Brett contemplates more aggressive approaches, including the use of firearms, despite the legal and ethical implications:

  "I'll start shooting at them. That's a great idea."
  [25:54]

  His musings reflect a blend of frustration and desperation in dealing with the persistent bird problem.

• Community Suggestions:
  Co-hosts offer lighter suggestions, such as using shiny objects or playing loud music to deter the birds. Brett remains unconvinced, leading to humorous exchanges about unconventional deterrents like flamethrowers and paintball guns.

---

6. Closing Remarks and Community Reflections

Timestamp: [35:38 - 36:38]

The episode winds down with Brett reflecting on the ongoing battle with the kestrels and the lack of effective solutions. He mentions incidents where his dog enjoys carrying dead birds, adding a touch of dark humor to the situation.

"I got to keep the rats out. When I start shooting, I won't have them with those boys in the neighborhood."
[35:01]

Brady Bogan and John Holmberg continue to engage with Brett, blending concern with comedic banter, reinforcing the show's trademark mix of humor and real-life issues.

---

7. Notable Quotes

• Brett Fesley:

  "They’re like, 'Better get 20,' 'Get 15,' and I said, 'Sold.'”
  [05:00]

• Brett Fesley:

  "This is what the pigeon do, is…"
  [09:18]

• John Holmberg:

  "Make Holmberg Estates great again. Gotta build that wall, right?"
  [16:03]

• Brett Fesley:

  "I have to have my gun on me. I have to be prepared for it. But I mean, if the owl starts getting a little touchy feely, little too Italian, little handsy, starts talking with his wings, I'm dropping them like a bad habit."
  [26:56]

---

8. Insights and Conclusions

This episode highlights the challenges of urban wildlife management and the unintended consequences of community announcements. Brett’s humorous yet exasperated narrative sheds light on the complexities of coexisting with nature in a suburban setting. The interplay between the hosts adds a layer of relatability and entertainment, making complex issues accessible to the listeners.

Key takeaways include:

• Wildlife Encroachment: Even seemingly harmless birds can become problematic, leading to significant homeowner distress.
• Community Communication: Official announcements need careful consideration to avoid misinterpretation and unintended signals.
• Humor as Coping Mechanism: The hosts use humor to navigate and discuss frustrating real-life issues, enhancing listener engagement.

---

Note: This summary omits promotional segments and non-content-related dialogues to focus on the episode's core discussions and themes.

Transcript

[John Holmberg]

You're listening to the HMS podcast brought to you by MMP guns.com your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories. It's Brett and John for Action Ride Shop in their brand new location on the northwest corner of power Road and McDowell in Mesa.

[Brett Fesley]

The new location is your East Valley full line bike shop with brands like Pivot, Ibis, Santa Cruz and Rocky Mountain. Giant Norco. And of course Action Ride Shop has the best wrenches in town to keep that bike on the trail or the road. Plus being so close to the Hawes trailhead, they have a huge rental fleet with gravel bikes, mountain bikes and E bikes.

[John Holmberg]

Action Ride shop now with two locations. The brand new Shop of Power and McDowell and the OG on Gilbert Road in Southern. Check them out at actionrideshop.com Ryan Reynolds.

[Brett Fesley]

Here from Mint Mobile. With the price of just about everything going up, we thought we'd bring our prices down. So to help us we brought in a reverse auctioneer which is apparently a thing Mint Mobile Unlimited Premium wireless. Everybody get 30. 30. Better get 30.

[Dick Toledo]

Better get 20.

[Brett Fesley]

20. 20. Get 20. 20. I better get 15. 15. 15. 15. Just 15 bucks a month.

[John Holmberg]

Sold.

[Brett Fesley]

Give it a [e-mail] switch. Upfront payment of 45 DOL equivalent to 15 per month required. New customer offer for first three months only. Speed slow after 35 gigabytes of network's busy. Taxes and fees extra. See mint mobile.com you thought that was funny? You were laughing like a hyena when he said it. What the hell is wrong with you? Good morning everybody. Hello there. Welcome to Tuesday. It is 5:45. My name is John Holmberg. How are you? There's Brady Bogan. This is. There's Brett Fesley. There's Big Dick Toledo. This the morning sickness. And we are ready to go for another good one here. Sun's already up. Might as well get out there and do some stuff. I'm seeing all these people up jogging around at 4:45 in the morning. You're out of your minds. I don't know how you people do that. Crazy. And I'll tell you right now, don't go jog by my house. The mob moved in, Brett. The mob has moved in. Let me tell you this little story about my house. So I had first moved into this place. Nothing but lovebirds in the backyard. Those beautiful green and orange and yellow lovebirds. They get a little chirpy come August. They got mouthy. You could hear them. But they were cute. And there were thousands of them. The whole backyard was covered the flock found was gorgeous. It's like having parrots. You don't have to feed. It's looked into the backyard. They were zero responsibility. And I'll tell you this, another thing. Nothing more beautiful than when your dog brings you one of those. You know, instead of like a pigeon or some sort of dead, weird dove, a gorgeous, colorful lovebird had fallen from the nest. And one of your dogs takes care of that, and it's like you. You find a dead bird in the pool and it's actually pretty.

[John Holmberg]

Talking about Troy, Michael?

[Brett Fesley]

No, no, they hadn't moved in yet.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Brett Fesley]

All right. That might have been what drew them in, though. The colorful birds and the pretty sights. Then for some reason, they started to move out. And I had a pigeon issue. Not a bad one, but enough to be like, noticeable. Now, Megan has always been huge on like Snow White when it comes to animals, even pigeons. So injured pigeons she would pick up and take to the bird rescue. And I know already that the bird sanctuary was killing those things immediately. Just, you know, there's no. They say they don't, but pigeons.

[Brady Bogan]

Come on, we got this.

[Brett Fesley]

Yeah. They're like, oh, thank you so much. We'll definitely give this one some great. And then you hear in the back and it's done. You just know it's over. There's no possible way they're keeping pigeons around that long, but maybe they do. I don't know.

[Brady Bogan]

She just needs to do a couple of flips.

[Brett Fesley]

Yeah, yeah. And they just. You hear in that big dumpster in the back. Then I started to notice in the last year or so that the pigeons weren't around anymore. For me, that's great because pigeons take human sized all over the place. The poop from a pigeon is occasionally massive and I don't know how that, like in layers. Oh, yeah. They start moving and they all go in the same spot. So they were treating this area on my back patio like a, like a, like a restroom and you know, sweep it up and hose it and sweep or whatever. I go out there every once in a while and then they started to go away and I. And I couldn't figure out what was going on. Doing absolutely nothing, by the way, other than occasionally hosing them off. But I was under strict instructions to not bother the pigeons by Snow White. So I've just let that go. I've surrendered that. Like, fine. If you want a backyard of pigeons, fine. They went away. Replaced by the mob bird. Well, I've just now been recently introduced to beautiful kestrel. Gorgeous, like falcon so I've got this. This thing shows up and it's by himself. He's just majestic. They're skinny and they're tiny, but they're majestic. And I started to notice in the backyard a few victims of the kestrel. They don't finish their meals.

[Brady Bogan]

Pieces and parts.

[Brett Fesley]

Well, mostly just chunked out enemies of the kestrel, which are mostly other birds, like the babies of the pigeons. I found out why the pigeons left. The kestrel was eating their. Their young, spitting them out. Don't look at me like this is bad neighborhood. We didn't know. It's actually now. It's now the pigeons have been moved away. And I call it bird gentrification. We got rid of the pigeons. They're. They're gone. The low rent pigeon has left. This high rent, beautiful bird has come in. Except for I'm not sure I like how he did it. And now his friends have shown up. And guess who they don't like now. Me. They are. I was in the pool last night, just, you know, resting, relaxing, enjoying the end of a hot day. And one I'm shooting baskets. I got a basket in the pool. I'm shooting hoops, you know, doing a little thing playing with bus, doing the stuff with the dogs. And I look up and there's like two of them that just keep zipping by. And then a baby one and then a third one. And I'm like, there's a lot of kestrels around. And then one goes by about a foot over my head. And I hear like it makes a noise, like some sort of weird screech. The next one goes by and drops a really disgusting. Been dead for a long time. Baby bird. Its little ribs, little ribs are showing its heads. Never got going. Looked like it was fresh out of the egg. Dumped it on the pool next to me as some sort of mob like Brett Festly. Message to me that this pool now belongs to the kestrels. They're chasing me all over the yard. Last night I'd get up, they dive bomb me.

[Brady Bogan]

There's gotta be a nest around here.

[Brett Fesley]

I know exactly where it is. And there's like 12 of them now. They invited all their Italian stupid dago bird friends. And now you go outside at. And it is a. It's theirs. They own it. The dogs are kind of like, all right, all right, all right, we get it. You're not. And there's dead birds all over my backyard. They're spitting them out. Messages are being sent. Brett mess. I gotta have a sit down with this Castro, this dude. These birds, don't be fooled. They're beautiful. They sit there and they've got these weird kind of almost neon heads and. Yeah, they're like falcons. They're baby falcons. They're gorgeous. They're assholes. Don't fool yourself into finding that this is some sort of a thing you want?

[Brady Bogan]

I never knew.

[Brett Fesley]

They're assholes.

[Brady Bogan]

Gathered in groups.

[John Holmberg]

Keep the neighborhood straight.

[Brett Fesley]

But they do. And you know who else they made friends with? An owl. And this owl sits in the big tree and he. He floats out his giant wings and sends them off on their job. The owl is Tony Soprano. And the rest of them are his. His. His henchmen, his street people. This is a nightmare. I want my pigeons back. I never thought I'd say that. I want the pigeons back.

[Brady Bogan]

I got an owl and a full out hawk.

[Brett Fesley]

Yeah. Oh, one hawk's.

[Brady Bogan]

And I just. You made me realize they're coming.

[Brett Fesley]

You know what?

[Brady Bogan]

I don't have that many.

[Brett Fesley]

No more birds.

[Brady Bogan]

Birds, not as much.

[Brett Fesley]

All right.

[Brady Bogan]

But they're spread out through the neighborhood.

[Brett Fesley]

Let me tell you this. Count on this. They invite their friends over and they start having loud parties and they're assholes and there's nothing you can do. And they spit dead things at you. That dead bird came within three feet of me in that pool last night. Spit it in the pool. He did that on purpose. That was a thought out plan.

[John Holmberg]

The pigeons all moved to Maricopa and the Casa Grande and all that kind of stuff. Yeah, because the neighborhood's changing.

[Brett Fesley]

I don't like it.

[Brady Bogan]

Kirby got out of the car one day, picked her up from school, pulling the driveway, gets out of the car and the hawk swoops and snags a sparrow about three feet away from her as it was crossing.

[Brett Fesley]

It's horrible. Feathers, Brady. I actually have a recording of them from last night. This is. This is my kestrels talking. I got into the tree with him.

[Ryan Reynolds]

It was step in and he fetches. I'm talking about the message, what it stands for. Yeah, it's called gentrification.

[Brett Fesley]

God damn it.

[Ryan Reynolds]

That's what happens when the property value of a certain area is brought down.

[Brett Fesley]

Huh? You listening?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Ryan Reynolds]

To bring the property value down, they can buy the land at a lower price. Then they move all the people out, raise the property value and sell it at a property.

[Brett Fesley]

This is what the pigeon do, is.

[Ryan Reynolds]

We need to keep everything in our neighborhood, everything pigeon black.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, is that what your neighborhood.

[Brett Fesley]

He said pigeon owned. And I said, what? And I said, we Got to get these guys. The pigeons left. They left, and the kestrels came in and they're ruining everything. They're assholes. Worst birds I've ever been around in my life. John says, or Kirk says. Maybe a big drone will scare them away. I've had my drone in the air here recently, too.

[Brady Bogan]

That probably attracted.

[Brett Fesley]

Yeah, they don't seem affected. I know what tree they're in, and I might go fly the drone around there. Maybe I'll have one of my old Star wars drones that does pew, pew noises.

[John Holmberg]

And we got P eoline flying in your neighborhood or what?

[Brett Fesley]

It is horrifying. They're dicks. And I need a bird expert out there to, when Snow White's not around, eradicate the issue.

[Brady Bogan]

They might. You know, there's a chance they could leave after if they're have raising the youngins.

[Brett Fesley]

There's none of that out. There's one little one, and he's the biggest dick. He's the one who swoops down and tries to hit me.

[Brady Bogan]

He's able to fly?

[Brett Fesley]

Oh, yeah. Oh, and then the. And then the. And I thought there'd be like, one when he. When he'd first sit up on the wire, like, oh, he's pretty. There are no birds now. And this is. This was a sanctuary. They're all in a jacaranda in my front yard. And they meet, and then the sun starts to go down and they spread and do all sorts of terrible things and then come back and spit those bones in my yard I found. And my little dog, Frank the terrier, he loves it because he loves carrying dead birds around like it's just a thing. I think he does it to make Megan throw up because it is hilarious. Like, this adorable little white terrier comes up with a very dead animal.

[Brady Bogan]

Maybe they're keeping peace with your dogs.

[Brett Fesley]

The dogs are. The dogs don't seem bothered at all. And they're not getting swooped on. But I was keep dropping it. Yeah, dumping dead things on me in the pool.

[John Holmberg]

Brett, just look at it this way. Remember when they. They always say the Vegas was better when the mob ran it. Your neighborhood's getting better. Just look at it that way.

[Brett Fesley]

If I go outside and there's, like, little neon lights and gambling. What are you looking at?

[John Holmberg]

Keep it moving, pal.

[Unknown]

We got a problem with the big bald one. He seems to want to hit us with hoses every once in a while. So you know what to do. Drop some dead stuff on him. He's in a pool. All right, I gotta Go.

[Brett Fesley]

And then he flies off in his giant wings. And the kestrels and the owl get along just fine. Just fine.

[John Holmberg]

They start calling you Charlie M. Yeah.

[Unknown]

You make me pop your eye out of your skull for Charlie M. Hark Ark.

[Brett Fesley]

They're dicks.

[Brady Bogan]

They get along because they hunt at different times.

[Brett Fesley]

Whatever. They're. One's talking to the other about leaving things behind. And they're like, leave me a few dead.

[Unknown]

You know, Give me some scraps. That's what we're talking about right here. I just don't think you guys are getting it done. There's still too many pigeons.

[Dick Toledo]

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[Brett Fesley]

It's John Holmberg here, and it's time to talk about TVs Doug Hopkins of my home group and Doug Hopkins dot com. He knows this market up and down in is simple and straightforward. He wants to buy your house for cash as is. No repairs or upgrades. And a firm final offer with no chance of canceling if he moves it at all, you get $5,000. So while the other guys come and go, Doug Hopkins is here to stay. Sell your home right now and start the entire process online@doug hopkins.com or single. And sure enough, the pigeons are long gone.

[John Holmberg]

Well, Maricopa and Casa Grande.

[Brett Fesley]

Yeah, get them out of here. I'm fine with that. I was actually happy with it at first. And there was my mistake. When the gentrification started, I was like, you know what? The neighborhood's looking pretty good. And then all of a sudden, all these birds in, you know, tank tops.

[Brady Bogan]

Too much for the other.

[Brett Fesley]

They start coming by little. Yeah. Pinstripe suits and sweatpants start floating around, walking around my backyard like they own the place. It's insane. So I got a little bird issue. I don't want to go firing off BBs and stuff and start a war, but it's getting close. Maybe the drone is a good idea. Maybe. President Johnson sounds like you got some Maryvale birds. Yeah, I don't want to put it in that category, I don't think. I'm pretty sure. I just got. I got the Italian. They act Italian. They act like they act Italian. This guy says, screw a bird expert. Put a Brett shaped scarecrow in your yard, the wop crow should do the trick. That's true. Brett, I need. I need a. I need one of your sweatsuits and a gold chain from your house real quick. They'll know if it's not authentic. So I need one of your knockoff. What is that, a Brooks. Probably a Brooks sweatsuit. And I don't know how you make hay gray, but I'm gonna shoot the sides down like Polly walnuts. It was weird. It's a weird thing, man. So any. Anybody who's had a Kestrel invasion. And of course, I can't say this anywhere but here, because Snow White's like.

[Unknown]

Don'T do anything to him.

[Brett Fesley]

Yeah, She's. You can't hurt. I mean, we could have a grizzly bear in the backyard, and she'd be.

[Unknown]

Like, oh, my God, that's so cute.

[Brett Fesley]

And then we'd have to build cages.

[Brady Bogan]

It's one swoop away.

[Brett Fesley]

You think, well, from. Yeah. Oh, it'll tie into her. I'm rooting for it. Kind of rooting for a little area.

[Unknown]

They're attacking us.

[Brett Fesley]

I told you. Horrible. And I can't say anything about it because then all panic breaks loose that we've got to build fences and we have, like, a dome. A dome built over the house that they start dropping dead things in the pool. It's awful. It's awful. But they're everywhere, man. And so if you have any answers or you've had this problem before, I'm listening. Let's get that done.

[John Holmberg]

Make Holmberg Estates great again. Gotta build that wall, right?

[Brett Fesley]

I mean, they say that things are getting. But there's a clothesline. They're yelling there's birds playing stickball. I'm like, I hate is interesting.

[John Holmberg]

Now use canceling.

[Brett Fesley]

That's exactly what he said. Now use canceling. And then the other day, Michael and Troy came home from their European vacation. And I heard the tree as they got out and unpacked their pink and white bags. Heard the whole trigon. Hey. Oh, fajules. Ricky Owens coming in. Ricky owns. When did this happen? We've only been here for a couple weeks. What's going on?

[Unknown]

Let's take this out back.

[Brett Fesley]

That's what the Ricky owns said. Yeah, it's bad. Brett, you need to come by and talk to your bird people. Yeah, they're gonna probably. You put your arms out, and I'll land on you. They act like a bunch of mobsters. It's crazy. So kestrel birds. I don't know. I don't. I didn't even know those were a thing.

[John Holmberg]

But those pigeons suck, though.

[Brett Fesley]

These.

[John Holmberg]

You should be happy they moved in the neighborhood. Pigeons.

[Brett Fesley]

Oh, pigeons are the worst. I was happy when they were, you know, like Italians, when there's only a couple of them, everything's fine. Get a whole flock, you got yourself nothing but noise that are old house.

[Brady Bogan]

Doves are easier.

[Brett Fesley]

Oh, doves are nothing. Doves come and go. They don't do anything bad. They kind of, you know, they're. They're pretty.

[Brady Bogan]

A little dirty.

[Brett Fesley]

Yeah, but what are you going to. You got to live with birds. I'm fine with that.

[John Holmberg]

But our old house, the neighbors behind us had bird feeders in their backyard.

[Brett Fesley]

Idiots.

[John Holmberg]

So these pigeons would come over. It was like the Enola Gay going over my house, just dropping bombs and stuff. And my neighbor down the street, he hated him. So he was out there with a pellet gun with a scope, and he'd see him walk around the neighborhood with a. With a box and a shovel, just picking them up.

[Brett Fesley]

I don't know where it came from, but one of the guys I talked to about it said, well, here's the danger of it is that they start dropping dead stuff around because they don't finish. They're sloppy. They eat what they want. They. They decapitate other birds and leave them as a message. They're just hanging around. He goes, and the more you do that, the more other stuff, bigger stuff comes by, and coyotes and things like that start running around. It's like, yeah, yeah, you got. Yeah. Because it's easy kills. They don't like fighting. I got a whole thing brewing. I don't want anything.

[Brady Bogan]

Most of those nibblers get taken by the ants.

[Brett Fesley]

Yeah, well, that, you know, if you got time for it. But. Yeah. And the sun. The good news is it's so hot that they'll cook out quick.

[Brady Bogan]

You don't want more of those?

[Brett Fesley]

No. John, I don't want to be rude, but don't most Jews have an iron dome over there? All right, that's. You know what? You watch too much news, Scott. Yeah, it's like. It's like. Yeah, it's like I ran. They're just floating all over my house and I'm taking them out. One of the. So far it's just a couple, but they're dicks and they're. They're staking their claim. So, Brady, I know you love wildlife. If you'd like to come by with a butterfly night or whatever, check it out, whatever you do, climb up in that tree, make friends with them, and take them back to your house, I'm fine with that.

[Brady Bogan]

But a lot of times, if it is too much, you know, disturbing going on, they move on.

[Brett Fesley]

What if I start disturbing them?

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah.

[Brett Fesley]

I don't know how. Yeah, because once you get them loose, they take way off. And then they come back pissed off because I can flush them, but they come back. It's. It's the. It's. I'm like the. The government. I keep them quiet for a day or two, and then they come back with a plan.

[Brady Bogan]

If you can get a. A Bluetooth speaker up there and put country music on there.

[Brett Fesley]

Oh, maybe.

[John Holmberg]

And then you have Dale at your house every 10 minutes, too. So.

[Brett Fesley]

I'd rather have kestrels attacking me, a Dale crow, than it. Oh, man. And have people just knocking on the door. There's some sort of festival going on back down here. Luke, Bryan. God, the dummies are here. I'd rather have the birds. Real bird brains have arrived. Anyway, what are you gonna do? And speaking of bird brain to the police, who I am a huge fan of. And you all know this how? None of you got your hands in the air and said, don't tell the general public about this. So neighborhood watch emails in the neighborhood, that website, First Door or whatever it's called.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah.

[Brett Fesley]

Next door. Have all put out the Phoenix Police Department's most recent message to my area, which is the Squaw Peak kind of Granada Park, Squaw Peak, all that area up there. And they put out this message and it's got. You know, Megan's mom's been telling everybody all this stuff. This is the dumbest thing I've Ever seen in my life. Hey, bad guys, listen up. If you're interested in shooting or blowing anything up, now's the time. It says, beginning Monday through June, June 16 through June 21, the U.S. department of Defense will be conducting military training and designated areas around Phoenix metropolitan area. My neighborhood is the choice of space. Residents may notice low flying helicopters, simulated gunfire and controlled explosions, primarily in the nighttime hours. Please be aware that these activities are part of scheduled training and not an emergency. So if you had some shooting planned, it's gonna blend in with the cops blowing stuff up and shooting.

[Brady Bogan]

Don't worry about it.

[Brett Fesley]

Just sleep, go crazy. Well, 10 o' clock last night there were a couple of some rat attackats and you're like, oh, that's just the police. And nobody's gonna call the cops. So bad guys, if you're in the area and you want to start blowing stuff up, highly Recommend Somewhere between 10 and 2, right around, you know, the hiking trails of Pte WA and all. No one will notice. Nobody says, it's all good, we're all safe, everybody's happy. And I text my cop friend Ben. I'm like, is this normal? He goes, completely text another cop guy. It's like, is this the thing? It's like, yep. And then one of my anonymous cop friends texts back and said, we've been doing this for 20 years and we never tell anybody about it. And he said, but with everybody all worried about ICE and whatever else we thought, one of the geniuses in the higher up said, well, we should tell the public because they'll flip the F out otherwise, thinking that, you know, what's going on here. There are people out there who are so stupid that they think the United States government is just going to randomly attack with bombs and guns. Yes, of course they are. And so we had to tell them because if they hear the noise, you know, well, that's definitely ice. We need to go out and start shooting Hamas. So it says it is training, not related to ice Immigration enforcement in any way. It has been coordinated with local officials. We understand the interest. So now if you hear gunshots in my neighborhood, you've been told not to report it. Just leave it. It's good. It's the cops, I don't know, training. I don't know who didn't raise their hand and say, isn't this just an announcement to bad guys that there's a specific time you can start shooting and blowing things up without any questions and, you know, get a little head start on the law? It's the dumbest warning I've ever seen in my life. And if I start seeing low flying helicopters in the area and hearing explosions, I am wondering why they're doing that in a neighborhood. And you know, if they've done it in the past, they've never once noticed. But don't they have like.

[Brady Bogan]

And that's police training, not military?

[Brett Fesley]

No, it's Defense Department of Defense.

[John Holmberg]

I think it's urban training and urban training.

[Brett Fesley]

But don't they have like little cities for this? Don't they, don't they take dump little cities and rent them out for a few days? They bought one in New Mexico. Our friend had to move out. His whole family had to leave when they they bought sells New Mexico and they turned it into an urban training center. Don't they have those already?

[John Holmberg]

Not enough apparently. I don't know yet.

[Brett Fesley]

They got to do it over some good, some good shooting last night.

[John Holmberg]

That's why the birds are out there. Neighborhood's going, you know what?

[Brady Bogan]

They moved.

[Brett Fesley]

Yeah, that may be why I didn't even think of that.

[John Holmberg]

There goes the neighborhood.

[Brett Fesley]

This guy said, oh, oh, Krista, I work in pest control. These are. There are bird repellent sprays you can get online. Really? Does that kill everything though?

[Brady Bogan]

Scatters them maybe.

[Brett Fesley]

Tyson said, john, didn't you say those birds were beautiful? Then there's no way they're Italian.

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[Brett Fesley]

Holmberg's morning sickness. Good one. Said whip out the old pellet gun, John. They want to act like the mob, treat them like the mob. You know what? I don't even have pellet guns. I'll just get a.38 and wait till 10 o' clock and when the cops start shooting up the road, I'll start shooting at those birds.

[John Holmberg]

Just call Byron.

[Brett Fesley]

He'll hook you up. That's a good idea. Get like a little one of Those little Walther PPKs or whatever those things are. They don't make a lot of noise. And then when the cops start firing away, I just sit in the front yard and pluck them out of the air. That's a great idea. That's a great idea. All right. Now it's all coming together. Yeah, I'm gonna start shooting at him. That's a good thought. I didn't. That's a great plan.

[Brady Bogan]

Check. Double check. I know you say it won't matter, but it sense the bird of prey. Yeah, I don't know if that's illegal.

[Brett Fesley]

I think it might come get me. Yeah, I don't care. I've never cared about that. If I've got a wild animal in my backyard and somebody came and said, did you shoot one of these? I'm like, you're goddamn right I did. Well, that's illegal. What's the fine? I'm not going to. Nobody's ever gone to jail for that. What's the fine?

[Brady Bogan]

When you're, when you're dealing with something like an eagle.

[Brett Fesley]

Okay, if I have an eagle problem in my front yard, don't. I'm still shooting them. And I'm going to say, look around.

[Brady Bogan]

But I don't know what kestrels or.

[Brett Fesley]

Falcons, I'll tell whatever department of, you know, wildlife that comes to my house and has the nerve to say, did you shoot this eagle? I'm like, yeah, I've got an eagle problem. And they're a little bit intimidating. So here, step over this mound of human feces because they drop giant dung piles and tell me you wouldn't do the same thing. They've eaten two family members and three dogs. Yeah, eagles, sure. If I. If I'm not, I'm probably not going to shoot an eagle.

[Brady Bogan]

I wouldn't take out a condor either.

[Brett Fesley]

That's just again, until I have a problem. The single kestrel was like, Freddie. Multiple kestrels bad. If I see a lot of bald eagles at my house, I'm like, First off, where's the fish? Like, why are you here? Second, I'm going to start shooting. I. The bald eagle is beautiful. One at a time. I was in Alaska. They're pretty until they're not. Then they become seagulls. And there's like. When there's more than four or five eagles, you start going, all right, we need to go inside. They're not little. And that's not. I have no. Again, come to my house. Are you shooting bald eagles in your front yard? I'm like, what would you do? Did you hear what you said in my front yard in Phoenix? Yeah, I'm shooting eagle.

[Brady Bogan]

It took my dog.

[Brett Fesley]

I'm shooting anything, anybody. I'm not gonna follow any of those wildlife idiots. I will kill those things. Even if they're birds of prey that are protected. I'll shoot an owl that gets a little toe. Get too close to me and I'm shooting it. I have to have my gun on me. I have to be prepared for it. But I mean, if the owl starts getting a little touchy feely, little too Italian, little handsy, starts talking with his wings, I'm dropping them like a bad habit.

[Brady Bogan]

Get one of those, Brad, from the improv. One of those tracer guns.

[Brett Fesley]

Oh, yeah, he's got one of those. Yeah, for paintball.

[Brady Bogan]

That would work now.

[John Holmberg]

Screw that. Get the flamethrower. Go to MMP and pick up the flamethrower.

[Brett Fesley]

Just light up the neighborhood, roast it out. Oh, yeah, KFC ain't got nothing on me. That's. That's the key to it. It's like children. One of them is like, oh, that's nice. You get like 10 or 11 of them in the same space. I'm breaking out the flame. I don't know what I'm going to do. You can stay back.

[Unknown]

He's crazy.

[Brett Fesley]

Yeah. I don't care any more about anything. I get an influx of old people in my front yard, I'm going to start paintballing them. Anything that is too many of one thing has to be pushed back. Brady just tried to game and fish me over there. Are you out of your mind?

[Brady Bogan]

Be careful.

[Brett Fesley]

They're beautiful. No, they're not. You come to my house when they start dumping dead birds in the pool and laughing. I could hear.

[Unknown]

Take that trick.

[Brett Fesley]

They don't make pretty noises either. They just shout at the top of their little bird lungs. The worst. So, yeah, I didn't know there was bird repellent spray right in there. Little mobsters are there mob repellent Spray. Can you listen to something? You guys hate this? Like Drakkar. Probably. I think you guys are attracted.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, that's Armenians.

[Brett Fesley]

Oh, that's right.

[Brady Bogan]

The Snow White. Have any bird feeders set up?

[Brett Fesley]

No. Good Lord. I would break every one of those.

[Brady Bogan]

That's one of the things they're saying to.

[Brett Fesley]

No, I'm not attempting to feed. Yeah.

[Brady Bogan]

How do I just. How to remove kestrels?

[Brett Fesley]

Yeah. The last thing I need is like birds that are lazy in the backyard that are getting handouts. Whenever you've got a bird feeder, you know who you attract? The homeless birds. The lazy ones. You're not getting the beautiful best. You're not getting the high end. A version of whatever bird is eating out of your feeder. They're the lazy homeless losers. The ones that fend for themselves. Those are the ones you want to see.

[Brady Bogan]

They suggest installing shiny objects, hanging.

[Brett Fesley]

You know, I've done that woodpeckers before that reflect. Yeah. I think that they've probably adapted to CDs at this point.

[Unknown]

CDs? What is this, 1995? I'm coming in.

[Brett Fesley]

I don't know. He's hung up some CDs. You think we can get around that trap?

[Unknown]

This guy thinks he's clever. What is that shot? A floating right around it.

[Brett Fesley]

So I will kill them all. And I. Pigeons. I thought pigeons were tougher than that. They're like New York. Like they gather in bunches. I thought pigeons would. But. Get your falcon ass out of here. This is my yard. You. There's 5,000 of us. But no, they were gone. Like in a day. They packed up and took off.

[Brady Bogan]

Even the big bull. Male pigeons that bow up.

[Brett Fesley]

Yeah, they're big, but they are all gone. And those pricks were wrecking my palm trees, making huge houses in there, carving out the ends and.

[John Holmberg]

So what are you bitching about?

[Brett Fesley]

Oh, I got no problem. You are such a kestrel fan, you actually believe they're Italian.

[John Holmberg]

What are you bitching about? They're doing you a favor.

[Brett Fesley]

They did do me a favor at first, and now they're a little too comfortable.

[John Holmberg]

Pay protection.

[Brett Fesley]

Yeah. Now they're running boxing gyms in my backyard.

[Unknown]

The next heavyweight champ.

[John Holmberg]

We got your neighbor right down the road there.

[Brett Fesley]

Oh, yeah, I got my. My ufc.

[Brady Bogan]

Now you're not gonna have any problems with roof rats.

[Brett Fesley]

I. I didn't.

[John Holmberg]

You're welcome.

[Brett Fesley]

Yeah, I didn't have one before.

[John Holmberg]

Hey, look at this. Come on.

[Unknown]

And we're keeping a roof ratchet.

[Brett Fesley]

I never had a roof.

[John Holmberg]

There's a reason no Rats in the neighborhood.

[Brett Fesley]

Exactly. What an Italian.

[John Holmberg]

No rats in the neighborhood.

[Brett Fesley]

But I never had a roof rat. You're welcome that.

[John Holmberg]

You know, idiots.

[Brett Fesley]

That's not how it works.

[Unknown]

And you won't have a problem.

[Brett Fesley]

I gotta start leaving envelopes in the trees. My house lights on fire every once in a while in little tiny ways. Pricks. Little prick. Birds all over the place.

[Brady Bogan]

How cool would it be if you go home in your pool there's a miniature Stugats floating, playing Frank Sinatra.

[Brett Fesley]

Yeah, If I come home and I swear to God, there's like a Sinatra thing in the back or something. And I've got Dean and Frank going, oh man, remember. What?

[Brady Bogan]

He cranked that speaker up.

[Brett Fesley]

Oh, yeah.

[Unknown]

You don't like what we're doing in your yard? Sorry, buddy. We're gonna be in your pool all day.

[Brett Fesley]

Get a little boat and speakers hanging out of it. Frank and Dean CDs. I hate this.

[Unknown]

You're in takeover. Get your dogs in the house. They know what. Yeah, that's what I'm talking about.

[Brett Fesley]

Little cosw walking orchestral girls walking on the poolside.

[John Holmberg]

The old Vegas show. Girls with the big feathers hanging out.

[Unknown]

Get out here and hose off the deck. Our feet are burning like a sa.

[Brett Fesley]

That swings so cool and sweat.

[Brady Bogan]

Kebab.

[John Holmberg]

I'm coming over visit baby bird heads on.

[Brett Fesley]

Got a little barbecue going.

[Brady Bogan]

That's life.

[Brett Fesley]

That's what all become a cartoon. I can't stand it. It's not awesome, Brad. It is. I curse you in your new house that you have the birds of friends.

[John Holmberg]

As long as they show up and not them damn pigeons.

[Brett Fesley]

This guy says, 15 years ago I worked for Game and Fish and we prosecuted a 70 year old man for shooting two Hawks that were recovered and examined and had pellets removed with traces of DNA and fingerprints. And I believe there was a heavy fine and no jail time because he was 70. They're not putting you in jail for that. You're not going to. You're not going to go into the jail cell. They're going to waste resources. They're going to find you.

[Brady Bogan]

You're good with heavy fines.

[Brett Fesley]

I'm fine with a heavy fine if it's for a cause. I've taken a few heavy fines for no reason whatsoever. Sometimes the company just says you owe people money. And I'm like, sure. It's part of the evidence chain of custody. And it was legit. Old ladies, love birds. And this Karen's. They got witnesses. Yeah. All right, so make sure that they don't. Rats. I got to keep the rats out. When I start shooting, I won't have.

[John Holmberg]

Them with those boys in the neighborhood.

[Brett Fesley]

And will if I start shooting those boys.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you're gonna have a dead horse head in your bed, too.

[Brett Fesley]

Yeah. Says the way to go if they're Italian or stoners, is to get your backyard some pomade and patchouli. Is that true? Birds hate hippies? I think they hang out together, don't they? They're always down with the birds.

[John Holmberg]

If that's the case, I hate hippies.

[Brett Fesley]

See them crawling around parking lots fighting over the same french fries? I'm pretty sure, yeah. Chiba Hut. And hippies. And pigeons all. I'll get the pigeons back.

[Brady Bogan]

He said loud music does distract them, too.

[John Holmberg]

There you go.

[Brady Bogan]

They suggest 3:11.

[Brett Fesley]

Oh, yeah? Well, then I'm moving.

[John Holmberg]

He'd move them into the house at this point. There you go. This is your wing.

[Brett Fesley]

That's all I'm hearing from the tree.

[Unknown]

Turn it up if you're gonna play. That's good stuff. Oh, yeah.

[Brett Fesley]

Fly me to the moon.

[Unknown]

Nobody's complaining now.

[Brett Fesley]

I hate them. Hate him.

[Brady Bogan]

Is that bird chopping?

[Brett Fesley]

Yeah. Look. I dare you. Slicing garlic, game and fish. I dare you to come to my house and put cuffs on me and march me out in some sort of perp walk because I shot the kestrels. Not allowed to do that. Fine. Hundred dollars a bird, my friend. Good. Worth every penny. I shot 20 of them and I got 20 to go. So I'm like, can I prepay my next fine? Because I'm gonna keep plugging away jackass kestrels. And what about them? They don't get fined for dropping dead doves in my pool.

[John Holmberg]

Nobody saw nothing.

[Brett Fesley]

I did.

[John Holmberg]

No, you didn't.

[Brett Fesley]

Brett. You're taking us too serious. Let's get a wake up song, shall we? A good one. 585-9800 will scream it together. It's 98 KUPD. Wake up. Arizona's most powerful, powerful rock rad action up.