06-20-25 - Jeff Garlin - Desert Ridge Improv - In Studio

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona Episode: 06-20-25 - Jeff Garlin - Desert Ridge Improv - In Studio Release Date: June 20, 2025

In this engaging episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness on Arizona's #1 Morning Radio Show, host John Holmberg sits down with the versatile comedian and actor Jeff Garlin. Recorded live at Desert Ridge Improv, the conversation delves deep into Jeff's illustrious career, his iconic role on Curb Your Enthusiasm, his approach to comedy and acting, and amusing personal anecdotes that showcase his sharp wit and relatable humor.

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1. Welcome and Introduction

The episode begins with John Holmberg expressing his excitement and honor in hosting Jeff Garlin, highlighting Jeff's extensive experience in stand-up comedy spanning over four decades. Jeff shares that his last performance at Desert Ridge was a decade prior, during his brother's 50th birthday celebration.

John Holmberg [00:12]: "This is an honor for me because... you, Jeff Garlin, is Desert Ridge Improv tonight."

2. Jeff Garlin’s Role on Curb Your Enthusiasm

A significant portion of the discussion centers around Jeff's memorable character on Curb Your Enthusiasm. John praises Jeff for playing “the most despicable but likable character,” emphasizing the subtlety and depth Jeff brought to the role.

John Holmberg [01:18]: "You hold in my heart the distinction of being the most despicable but likable character on Curb Your Enthusiasm."

Jeff humbly responds, noting that he never intended to portray his character negatively but simply enjoyed interacting with co-stars like Susie and Larry.

Jeff Garlin [01:35]: "I just thought, I'm having fun with Susie and Larry or whatever. No, I swear, I never knew that my character... I have the same voice."

3. The Art of Subtle Comedy

Jeff delves into his comedic philosophy, stressing the importance of subtlety and not forcing humor. He contrasts his approach with those who attempt overt funny performances, often to the detriment of genuine comedic timing.

Jeff Garlin [05:31]: "You play it the exact same way. And if you're funny, it will be."

John adds to this by complimenting Jeff's ability to deliver side glances and understated humor, highlighting specific scenes from Curb where Jeff’s nuanced performances stood out.

John Holmberg [03:08]: "You have moments. And this is me just kissing your ass because I thought it was brilliant."

4. Interactions with Other Comedians and Celebrities

The conversation shifts to Jeff's interactions with other notable figures in the entertainment industry. He shares fond memories of working with Larry David, describing himself as the "rock" that keeps the comedic dominoes in motion.

Jeff Garlin [02:20]: "I'd start the dominoes in motion... become the likable one that pushed the plunger of the dynamite."

Jeff also reminisces about his friendship with JB (presumably Jeff Garlin himself or another comedian), their mutual respect, and the humorous incidents they've shared.

5. Personal Anecdotes and Humorous Stories

Jeff entertains listeners with a series of personal stories that blend humor with relatable experiences. One notable tale involves an awkward encounter with his father witnessing an unintended situation, leading to a humorous yet awkward dinner scenario.

Jeff Garlin [23:32]: "I had to split up for a little while... we never spoke of it again."

Another story highlights his time on Wizards of Waverly Place, where he played the uncle of characters portrayed by Shakira and Selena Gomez, leading to a comical backstage mishap involving costume changes and unexpected interactions.

Jeff Garlin [19:59]: "Selena knows, because I told her that I was mystified by, you know, Shakira."

6. Insights into Comedy and Acting

Jeff shares his insights on acting versus improvisation, emphasizing that true comedy often arises naturally rather than being forced. He reflects on his experiences in acting classes where his dramatic performances unintentionally sparked laughter, reinforcing his belief that authenticity is key to genuine humor.

Jeff Garlin [05:15]: "You play it the exact same way. And if you're funny, it will be."

John adds his perspective, noting how Curb's influence played a significant role in shaping his own life and comedic approach.

John Holmberg [17:10]: "I was on Curb. And I think that's why I'm influenced by that. And I do that."

7. Closing Remarks and Words of Wisdom

As the episode draws to a close, Jeff offers listeners thoughtful advice on maintaining balance in life and comedy. He emphasizes not taking oneself too seriously while dedicating earnestness to one's endeavors.

Jeff Garlin [29:19]: "Don't take yourself seriously, but take what you do seriously."

Additionally, Jeff humorously advises listeners to consider their familial influences in unexpected ways, blending personal reflection with his signature comedic style.

Jeff Garlin [29:45]: "Think about your dad's reactions. Think about noises you make next time you're having sex. Like your dad."

John thanks Jeff for his candidness and humor, encouraging listeners to attend Jeff's performances at Desert Ridge Improv.

John Holmberg [33:04]: "Jeff, it is a pleasure. Thank you for doing this."

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Key Takeaways:

• Subtlety in Comedy: Jeff Garlin underscores the importance of understated humor and authenticity in comedic performances.
• Dynamic Roles: His portrayal on Curb Your Enthusiasm exemplifies a character that is both despicable and likable, achieved through nuanced acting.
• Personal Connections: Jeff’s interactions with fellow comedians and celebrities like Larry David and Shakira reveal the camaraderie and humorous incidents behind the scenes.
• Humorous Anecdotes: Personal stories, though sometimes awkward, showcase Jeff’s ability to find humor in everyday situations.
• Advice for Aspiring Comedians: Emphasizing genuine effort over forced humor, Jeff advises taking one’s work seriously while maintaining a lighthearted approach to oneself.

This episode offers a comprehensive look into Jeff Garlin’s career, his comedic philosophy, and his personable interactions, making it a must-listen for fans and aspiring comedians alike.

Transcript

[A]

You're listening to the HMS Podcast, brought to you by MMP, Guns.com, your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories.

[B]

You thought that was funny?

[A]

You were laughing like a hyena when he said it. What the hell is wrong with you? Look at this. This is an honor. This is an honor for me because. Story time. Yeah, well, beyond that, one of my favorite television shows and favorite movies. You, Jeff Garland, is, by the way. Jeff Garland, Desert Ridge improv tonight. Tomorrow, DesertRidge, improv.com first time you've been on our show? We've been on for 24 years. What? First off, why have you been dodging?

[B]

Okay, the last time I performed here was in the early 90s at the Tempe.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yes. The last time I was here was 10 years ago. 10 years ago for my brother's 50th birthday. My brother went to ASU.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So some of his best friends live here. So. Yeah.

[A]

So you were on Curb your Enthusiasm. You've been around for doing stand up for 43 years. 43 years. Which is hard to believe in itself. And you, my friend, hold in my heart the distinction of being the most despicable but likable character on Curb youb Enthusiast.

[B]

Oh, that's so funny.

[A]

All those people that are around you are bad. You are without question the only one smiling and doing worse quietly next to them.

[B]

Your character is funny. At no time, filming the show, at no time did I think I'm doing something terrible.

[A]

No, no.

[B]

I just thought, I'm having fun with Susie and Larry or whatever. No, I swear, I never. I knew that my character, like people say, how are you like your character? I go, I have the same voice.

[A]

Yeah. There's no way you're the same. No one, no one would call her.

[B]

No, no, no.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

God, no.

[A]

You were the one that I liked the most because I think I'd behave.

[B]

You're a liar.

[A]

No, no, no. Well, I mean, yeah, I liked everybody.

[B]

If I may, I'm the one people don't talk.

[A]

That's why. That's why I liked you the most. You were the one that always went brilliant at the worst, but you were the encourage. You were the one that I would be. Which is, let's do this.

[B]

I was for that show and Larry thanked me. I was the rock.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'd start the dominoes in motion.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

I would be the pusher.

[A]

The terrible idea would float. And you'd be the one that said, this is something we need to do, and then smile through it and Become the likable one to that pushed the plunger of the dynamite.

[B]

Yes, it was. I loved it. And, you know, I would have been the character on that show that I would have liked the most as a kid because I always liked the sort of Phil Hartman's one of my heroes, too. But I always liked someone that wasn't the one that, you know, I mean, you'd know, but, you know, doing the little things, the subtle things.

[A]

The side eye. Yeah, you have. This is me.

[B]

And I was happy being quiet. And scenes, a lot of scenes, people were fighting to talk, and I was happy just sitting there.

[A]

You had moments. And this is me just kissing your ass because I thought it was brilliant. The side eyes to Susie were so subtle. And Larry'd be going nuts, and you'd just look over at her like she's still in the room. And it was just these brilliant little moments if you caught them.

[B]

And then she would say, like, can I say. Let's say I'm blowing bubbles. Can I use blow another way? Okay, Just making sure.

[A]

Yeah, go ahead.

[B]

So she would tell. There's one scene, I think it was from last season where she would tell Larry and me something about not giving me BJ's. BJ's. There you go. And she. And I said, right, Jeff? And I said, believe me, I know.

[A]

Those moments now. They always say. Because we asked jb, JB was on with us.

[B]

Sweetest. Unbelievable. We're all very close. And I love jb. He's. I'm actually going to be going out with the dinner with him soon. Yeah. With my girlfriend and his wife.

[A]

Beautiful.

[B]

Yeah. I love JB so much. And JB is really funny. He's not big being funny off Cameron stage.

[A]

He's a performer.

[B]

He's a performer and he's. I think. I mean, I watch him and I don't know how he does.

[A]

He came on here and got a phone call while we were interviewing him. And he took the call and we're like, that's fine. We just went about our business while he's on there. And it was his cousin. And all you hear in the back is like, we can't do that. I'm on the radio. He's like, what? He goes, I can't do this. I can't tell these people what's happening. And he gets on. He goes, the man is ordering 200 fried chickens right now. He's like, well, don't.

[B]

Why did you do that? 2000, 2000. I feel bad that I said that. He's not funny off camera. We were very funny and lovable off camera.

[A]

Oh, he was.

[B]

But that's not his mo. His MO is what you see on camera.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And he's pretty gosh darn brilliant.

[A]

Brilliant.

[B]

And when.

[A]

And when he was here, he was hilarious. And we've had. And look, you know what he says.

[B]

Every time I see him, Jeffrey. And I love it. It makes an announcement.

[A]

You've been introduced. But the. The best part is, is that it seems like when you hang out with a lot of comedians as a one upsmanship, if you're back backstage at a comedy club, everybody's.

[B]

That doesn't happen on Kurt.

[A]

No. And it would be like one of those things where everybody already knows the one up is not going to. You're going for the laughs. That has to.

[B]

Oh, no, we're going. We are going for one thing and one thing, but also going through the laughs that. People don't know this. They assume I'm trying to be funny. No, no, you play it like drama.

[A]

Really.

[B]

You play it the exact same way. And if you're funny, it will be. I remember being in an acting class and the teacher would get frustrated with me because I would be doing a dramatic scene and I'd be getting laughed. And I was doing it, and I never went off book. I was doing the lines exactly. I was playing it dramatically. But I'm funny.

[A]

You're a funny person.

[B]

The whole class would laugh. And so. Yeah, but that's the key to playing comedy, is to not try to be funny. No, funny happens. Funny happens.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And if the writing's funny.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It'll work. You gotta be. You know, it's. That's the. You can't. Anytime in my career. All right. Anytime that I've tried being funny. Tried.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Never been funny.

[A]

It doesn't work.

[B]

Not once.

[A]

No. People who try to are unfunny people.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. No, by the way, that's. I've seen that too many.

[A]

Oh, absolutely.

[B]

We used to. You know what we call them?

[A]

We call them radio hosts.

[B]

No, I don't do that.

[A]

You're very funny. Oh, I am. Yeah. The other ones I'm talking about.

[B]

No, but we used to call. I used to call. I haven't used in a long time with someone, generally an actor or an actress. Enemies of comedy.

[A]

Yeah. Yes.

[B]

That they just. What they did was set comedy back with how hard they tried to be funny. And the thing is, when you try to be funny and you have an ego, mix with that.

[A]

Oh, it's brutal.

[B]

Oh, my God, and I know lots.

[A]

I call it funny vacuum. Like, you suck the funny out of the room.

[B]

JB he is not trying to be funny at all. He's playing the character the way the character would be. But that's the thing. Larry David's not trying to be funny. There's no spin. What do you put? I met Neil Simon once, and I said, we're talking about comedy. He says, if somebody comes in and tries to be funny with my material, they never get hired.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Just read the material. It already works.

[B]

Who's the character? And then just say the lines. Spencer Tracy said, know your lines and don't bump into the furniture. Show up on time. Know your lines and don't bump into the furniture.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And that brings it down to simple. And simple is a thing of beauty.

[A]

See, I've always thought that actors who are good at it always tell everybody how hard it is, so nobody actually realizes how easy it actually can be.

[B]

No, it's. It's hard.

[A]

No, I don't think so. I think this is. You're good at it, so you're telling me. So I don't try.

[B]

I find. I find acting not improvising, but I find straight acting. I do it. And for a comedian, I'm excellent at it. But for an actor, I would be mediocre at best. But I just think that it's really difficult because it depends on the scene. It depends, you know, if you're in, you know, some broad comedy, it's not difficult.

[A]

No. It's easy when it's.

[B]

And also, if you know your character, you know the director, you're in a comfortable environment, it can be a lot easier. But I've been in situations where I don't know how to play some.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And every choice I'm making privately.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Before. Before I get there is wrong.

[A]

Yeah. Well, it's just the intimidation of it all. Somebody else's words. You've got to figure out how to make them your character's words.

[B]

So I'm saying it's.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Really? I gotta believe that, like, chemistry of the people that you're. Oh, that's. There's so many things that go into it. Whereas, like, when I'm doing stand up, I'm just funny. Good night. Hello. Goodbye.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know. And it's yours. And I. I swear to God, I was thinking about this. This is my first radio interview in a.

[A]

Well, thank you, by the way, for doing that. Nobody wants to do this.

[B]

Well, I'm thrilled to do. Well, that's beautiful. I flew in early to do it.

[A]

That's insane.

[B]

I was going to fly in this morning.

[A]

No kidding. Yeah, that's.

[B]

This gentleman right here.

[A]

Forced you?

[B]

No, no. He explained about you guys. He told me, like, oh, yeah, I'll go in. There's a guy in New York I love going. You know, my favorite stations are the classic rock stations, even though I dig jazz.

[A]

You know, we'll throw that in. Out again. Why not? Little Alice in Chains, Some miles. Why not? Yeah, we'll throw it up there.

[B]

It's a good mix. Friends. I'm friends with two of the guys from Alison.

[A]

No kidding.

[B]

Yeah. I have a lot of rock and roll. Yeah.

[A]

Was it Lane and Mike?

[B]

What's that?

[A]

Lane, Not Lane. I'm sorry. Jerry Cantrell and Mike. Mike, yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They're great people. Great people.

[B]

I love them. You know, I'm in the Alice in Change Fantasy football league.

[A]

Is that right? That sounds. Wow.

[B]

Duff McKagan. Get out of here. Yeah. Those guys. Another band. I forgot the name of it. Big rock and Roll Band.

[A]

And Jerry's the one of the few people, and I don't.

[B]

It's not like he's a big Steelers fan.

[A]

I am a huge Steelers fan. And that's what. I bonded with him the time I met him. I'm a giant Alison Chains fan. I was backstage once. They were there, talked to him. Steelers for a second. And something wasn't going right with his tech. And we weren't. We weren't close to being on stage, but he was in. Jerry was intimidating. Like, he.

[B]

No, he can be very intimidating.

[A]

It was a weird.

[B]

He doesn't intimidate me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, no, no. He's. He's. No, no, no.

[A]

Not much weaker man.

[B]

No, no, no, no. Hold on, hold on. I respect.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

His power.

[A]

Oh, yes.

[B]

That's what I'm saying. Not like, you know. But he doesn't scare me. He's actually. I look forward. And Mike could not be sweeter. He's just one of the sweetest people I know. I just. I love him, but. Yeah. So a lot of rock and roll guys. That's crazy. Which is. It's Holmberg's morning sickness, you know. All right, so I'm friends with Brian Warner.

[A]

Oh, Marilyn Manson. Yeah.

[B]

So imagine you're in a diner and Marilyn Manson and I walk in together.

[A]

It's just. That's. It's a fever.

[B]

I go, do you have any people that I wouldn't think of as your fans or you're friendly with or dig you? And he Just goes, one. I go, who? He goes, you.

[A]

Who's more brand liability in that one? Like, when you guys walk in together, who's more worried about reputation?

[B]

But that's another one that you go, oh, my God, that's.

[A]

That's huge. Is there ever. When you guys were on Curb, you brought in, like, so many celebrities and so many people. Was there any time at all from 2002 when it started, whenever that was that, you were like, oof, this is a big one. This is intimidating. I gotta have a day.

[B]

Okay. Bruce Springsteen.

[A]

Springsteen coming on.

[B]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Springsteen. And I chose. My plan was to just be a guy who works on the show.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Little did I know I'd be talking to him for hours at a time by myself, really. And I only asked him one question about music. And I said, I'm only asking one. And then we're just being people. And I said, you're on stage, you're playing one of your obviously great songs, but, you know, Badlands is next.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What's in your mind? And he got so excited. He goes, that's the best question. Oh, my God. And you know what he told me? He's thinking to himself, okay, if you like this, just wait.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Isn't that great?

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

You're getting. And he was really just like.

[A]

He's teasing.

[B]

Teasing the crowd. At first. Wait. Yeah, no. He was everything I wanted him to be.

[A]

Yeah. No, everything.

[B]

I mean, really. And then he invited me to his show. I went April 1 that year to Madison Square Garden to see him, which was pretty surreal.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because I. I was asked to go backstage after, and he only. Like, there was tons of famous people, and I'm sitting next to his assistant, and I said, terrence, I'm very fond of you.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And he goes, I am, too. And Bruce is fond of you. And I go, oh, yeah. How about that? He goes, he wants you to come backstage. And I go, wow. And I go, all right. Thinking there's going to be all these people I'll be mingling with. He goes, no, he doesn't like seeing anybody. It's you and two other people.

[A]

No kidding.

[B]

I knew that one of the other ones probably was a friend of his kid kids, because he was that age. He was in his 20s, and I thought. And he didn't look like a rock roller that believed in, so I thought maybe that was it. I don't know who the third.

[A]

No kidding. So you get to hobnob backstage.

[B]

Yeah. But there were big Even Paul McCartney was there. I don't know if he was number three. They wouldn't let me back. I tried. They wouldn't let me.

[A]

Jeff, can you get me back there? Yeah. That's crazy. Jeff Garland's at the sound.

[B]

More like John.

[A]

John was more like that.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, these are very good. How about this?

[A]

Let's kills.

[B]

Let's do. Hold on. Wait a minute. You're John Lennon. This is great.

[A]

I'm not John Lennon. Please leave me alone. Just have a large nose. That's the first Asian woman.

[B]

The first ever impression of Bob Einstein.

[A]

Lennon. He's screaming at John Lennon. Jeff Garland's at Desert Ridge Improv Tonight and tomorrow, desertridgeimprov.com Curb is.

[B]

I want to say one thing because I'm thinking about what I said.

[A]

Go ahead.

[B]

That I would be the character that I like from Curb. It's not because I think I'm so great.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

We talked about it. That the understated sub nuance.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, it's one favorite thing.

[B]

That's what I love watching. And I think that's probably why I'm influenced by that. And I do that.

[A]

And it didn't feel like you were doing it. It felt like it was not just there. Yeah. And there was a moment in Kurt. And I know this is a Curb fan, by the way.

[B]

I am honored that anyone likes that show.

[A]

Oh, it's.

[B]

I really take it for granted. I'm glad people are moved. Buy it. And I feel bad for people that it's. It's not canceled. Yeah. That is not on the.

[A]

Oh, same.

[B]

It wasn't a bad season. No. Well, that. We wanted to end on top. We didn't want to keep.

[A]

Drag it out.

[B]

And Larry is the only one that doesn't need the money.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Believe me, I missed that money. But it was time to end it. But what were you gonna say?

[A]

I was gonna say there was a moment in the. I believe it's the accidental text on purpose, which is one of my favorite things.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because we've all done it. And then it had a name. And so. But there's a moment on the golf course when you have done this thing. And I believe Larry shakes hands. And it is so Three Stooges. It is so over the top. Silly Groucho Marx. And I think you're either in the background or you're either. You might be the one shaking his hand, and you give a little wry smile. And I lost it. I'm like, these guys just played this.

[B]

Whole thing down the. You Understand when I do the wry smile, I'm not going. All right, smile here. Yeah.

[A]

That's why I love it.

[B]

I'm present with what's going on. And also, what I love about Kirby, what I loved about Curb youb enthusiasm was that I did something different every day. Unless we needed to cover something, right? Shoot something. We're like, we need that in the show, right? Every.

[A]

Every time was different.

[B]

Different.

[A]

See, now, the cool thing about Curb was it influenced me because I live my life in Curb episodes, I think, like most people who like the show. And there were several things where I'm like, there's an episode. I wish I knew somebody on the show because that's a. I had one with Ralphie May. Remember Ralphie?

[B]

I loved Ralph.

[A]

Ralphie. And I. He's a Steeler fan too. And he said, hey, Johnny, come on out to Pittsburgh.

[B]

We're gonna watch us a Steelers game.

[A]

I got tickets. I'm like, oh, man. So I immediately fly out to Pittsburgh, right? And. And I'm out there, and I don't hear from Ralphie on Friday. I got a car. I got rooms. We're good. I'm like, okay, I'll get you. You'll have a guy with a name.

[B]

So you're an impression.

[A]

I do some impressions.

[B]

You're very good.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Very, very good.

[A]

Well, thank you.

[B]

I heard your Sheena Easton is your best.

[A]

Sheena's tongue. Sheena's. I only break that out if you pay me. I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna do that for free, but work out. Sugar walls is coming. So that was a bad phrase. So I. So I get out there.

[B]

It is a song. I was thinking more morning train. More. No, but by the way, she was out. She. Yeah. I'm saying you've got the look is about as good a song.

[A]

Yeah, I think that's. That video was the first time I ever realized my dad got erections. He could not be in the room.

[B]

Let's take a step back.

[A]

He was on the shoulder.

[B]

You never. All right.

[A]

I was a young man.

[B]

Hold on. I'm 63. Not only have I never thought that, but I've never heard someone say that. You know what I just discovered the other day? I'm minding my own business, and I swear to God, my dad walks in naked with a huge boner. And then he explains to me it's not from my mom. I was relieved because that would have been. And he said, do you mind if I join you for breakfast? Sit down. So we both Had Cheerios. While he had an erection.

[A]

Erection?

[B]

No. Because he couldn't be in the room.

[A]

With me while Sheena Easton's video was on. And he said, she's just fantastic. And then he'd get up and leave. I'm like, why don't you want to watch this?

[B]

I had a scene like that.

[A]

Really?

[B]

With Shakira and Selena Gomez. And it wasn't because of Selena Gomez. Although at the time, I was on Wizards of Waverly Place with her. What a great girl. And she was 18. Ish, 19, so. And I played her uncle. I've never been one to go to that festival.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you know, the young ones like that. And Beautiful girl. I just loved her. I love her. I haven't seen her a long time. I have great respect for her. And so there's an episode where my character, Uncle Kelbo, you know, wizard, happens to be. In real life, Shakira. I go back and forth.

[A]

Wait a minute. In real life, she. You're Shakira?

[B]

Yeah. In other words, when you see Shakira perform, it's you. My character is actually Shakira. And then I.

[A]

You shapeshift into Shakira. Okay.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

You gotta watch this show.

[B]

One of the times I get caught in the middle between Shakira and myself. So I find myself wearing a Shakira type outfit.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Which was sheer over my wiener and thin. But I wore my. My boxer briefs. Yeah. Anyhow, so I'm wearing a robe. I'm very embarrassed.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I. I walk out and Shakira walks up to me and goes, let me see. No, no, no. Let me see. And I go, all right. Selena comes up. She goes, where are you guys going? And we're going. It's like, literally, it's behind the stage. We're going. And it's so dumb. And we. She goes, can I come? Because she said, I want to see what he looks like. And so I don't know.

[A]

I just got excited. I got excited.

[B]

For me, it was. For me, it was horrifying. And later on, amusing, obviously. So we get back there and it was like me flashing them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they both laughed hysterically. Then some bouncy Shakira type music comes out. It's not her song.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And she starts doing her gyrating and everything. And I'm in a real thin festival. And Selena knows, because I told her that I was mystified by, you know, Shakira. And I thought she was. Oh, my God.

[A]

Oh, she's stunning.

[B]

Yeah. And so she started laughing Knowing damn well I don't want to see this.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And I had to run away. And by the way, she was so cool. When she was on tour in Chicago, she asked me to come and go backstage.

[A]

Oh, good.

[B]

Okay. And I'm in her dressing room talking with her for a while, and I hug her. Oh, there she is. I hug her goodbye, and my button gets caught in her dress. We're attached. People had to come in and detach you for. Take your time. But she was. I just had a ball.

[A]

I like that. Your disgust with my story about my father's first erection led you to a story about how you got hard on wizards of the.

[B]

No, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Holmberg's morning sickness. I didn't say hard.

[A]

You started. I didn't say my dad, by the way.

[B]

That's the way to put it. Blood was starting to flow. Selena laughed because she's thinking like, oh, Jeff's not going to be able to handle this.

[A]

She knew.

[B]

And I ran. I literally ran. Yeah. Just to the other side of the stage. I didn't have to go to my quote.

[A]

Sure, sure. Yeah. You didn't have to go to a stress clinic.

[B]

Yeah. Stress clinic. Chubb Stress. Yeah.

[A]

Chips.

[B]

Be great if they had stress clinics, like.

[A]

Yeah, they do. They're called massage parlors. I think they think those exist. So it's not worth the risk, that's for sure.

[B]

Well, it's not worth it, period.

[A]

No, not really. I can do it myself.

[B]

You can. You have that ability. Do you think about your dad doing it and Sam can, you know. Hold on, hold on. Not in terms of a fantasy, but proud. Because you're continuing the tradition.

[A]

Like my father and his father before him.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Erections warped. Oh. The weirdest one is having sex. Well, I do believe that. Nobody teaches you sex sounds. So it's passed down. So there are. You know what I mean? But the noise.

[B]

Wait, wait.

[A]

The noises you make.

[B]

Hold on.

[A]

They're genetic.

[B]

Hold on.

[A]

They're genetically.

[B]

Hold on. You and your grandpa. Hold on. Wait a second.

[A]

It's true.

[B]

Hold on. It's true. Sex sounds are passed down.

[A]

I would believe so.

[B]

How else would you. You had even more pride. As I'm getting laid, I feel. Feel and sound like my father.

[A]

Do you know sometimes when you say something, you go, oh, my God, I sound just like my dad?

[B]

Sure.

[A]

Sometimes during sex, I'm like, damn that noise.

[B]

So how many times did you hear your parents having sex?

[A]

I didn't, but I think that innately through. Through his DNA that my brain. I'm sorry for been called worse.

[B]

Your great impressionist.

[A]

Thank you very much. I do like you're an idiot.

[B]

Oh my God. That's the dumbest thing. No, it's not. Oh, it'll be the dumbest thing that I heard all week.

[A]

Where did you. Why do you. There's no possibility that in the middle of the throes of passion you don't make a noise and go, boof. That sounded like my dad.

[B]

Wow. Like.

[A]

All right, Marcy, here it comes. That's, you know, those kind of things.

[B]

Wow, you poor guy. Oh my God, your brain plays. Let me tell you something I like to tell. I've had sex numbers couple times and at no point did I even consider that I had a father.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

He was that far away where she could have asked me, do you have a dad? And I'd go.

[A]

I like that. She had a few questions. In the middle, she's a little bit bored. Let's get to know Jeff. Do you have a father?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

While you're paying.

[B]

I have a friend, comedian. I'm not going to say. Who does great impressions. Yeah. He was dating this girl and he could do oppression of her dad and in the middle of having sex with her, he would start doing her dad and she would.

[A]

Rephrase that. Yeah. Start doing her dad. Yeah. I hope so. Yeah.

[B]

You're the only one who possibly would. That's your area.

[A]

I have a weirder story if you'd like to get a second.

[B]

As long as this is weirder.

[A]

It's one of my favorite funny stories because at the time it was very disturbing. Then as time passes. So my friend was a movie Reviewer in the 90s and he would get copies of movies way in advance. And so I was at my parents house and I had a copy of a movie in the car that nobody'd heard of yet, but it was up for consideration for the Academy Awards and all sorts of things. So my dad's like, nothing's on tv. I'm just like, you know what? Colin gave me a movie called Monsters Ball. You want to throw that in There he goes. Sure. We had no idea.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And right in the middle of. He's in.

[B]

I know. I know what happens.

[A]

He's inspired.

[B]

You don't forget things like that. And by the way, then I think.

[A]

It'S the first time my dad and I had erections at the same time in the same room. We had to split up for a little while.

[B]

This is a thing. You poor guy.

[A]

Just saying.

[B]

I told You.

[A]

I have a lot of those.

[B]

Here's Hollywood weirdness. Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

My trainer, boxing trainer, I boxed, also trained her for when she did John Wick. And she was great athletically and she did great stuff. And she'll send me over little health things for me. So I'm getting things from Halle Berry through my trainer and I think that's just funny. And she writes little notes on them. Oh, and I've never met her.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Oh yeah. Oh, it's just I was on the. I think I was on the Tonight show with her. I. I don't remember, but.

[A]

No kidding.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That's pretty awesome.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're living a good life, Jeff.

[B]

Well, when those things happen, sure.

[A]

You've had some hiccups. Big deal, right?

[B]

Oh yeah. Like my dad came and stayed with me. Laugh to explain more.

[A]

I relate. I'm with you.

[B]

And that was the first time.

[A]

If you want to talk to somebody, my dad and I are available. We'll get a whole family thing. Oh yeah. It's the first time.

[B]

It's a weird thing. What is wrong?

[A]

Realized I. I was half hard and I didn't want to turn around and look at the guy on the couch. Cuz I'm assuming he was too. And he goes, you know what? Let's watch something else. Right after about five minutes after the scene.

[B]

All right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You come from a weird family and you are a weirdo.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And by the way, I'm a weirdo too.

[A]

That's the only way this works.

[B]

Hold on. But I'm a different kind of weirdo. I'm an artistic, eccentric weirdo.

[A]

I'm just a street weirdo.

[B]

No, you're a disturbed weirdo. It's dark.

[A]

I'm a guy that you're going to see on the ID channels.

[B]

Yeah, you are. Oh yeah. Ye homicide hunter Joe Kenda's gonna do. You know, I made a movie. It's on Netflix. It was the first Netflix mystery movie. It's supposed to be a bunch of others.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I had Joe Kenda in it.

[A]

He's awesome.

[B]

Yeah. And he did his Joe Kenda stuff. Explaining stuff, the way in the rhythms. It was so much fun to be with Joe Kenda. And even at the end when the bad guy gets caught and Joe Kenda's standing there and then he says one of his Joe Kenda type lines. And then the actor Stephen Weber turned and goes, Joe Kenda.

[A]

Everybody just gotta love that guy's delivery.

[B]

I love him. I watched one reason I just wrote him recently. Just a little Text, I don't think. Not a lot. Just saying how much I think you love him.

[A]

It's a good thing.

[B]

Joe Kenda Jokenda. By the way, that's very impressive. You knew who Joke.

[A]

I got a lot of useless information.

[B]

No jokenda. That's a big homicide hunter is a big one. So if you're on there, you probably killed somebody who dressed like your dad with an erection. Don't you ruin his good name. His erections are his own eyewitness thing.

[A]

You should see our family crest, Jeff. It's got. It's got a lot of points. Jeff Garland's at the Desert Ridge Improv Tonight and tomorrow, DesertRidge improv.com Jeff, leave us with words of wisdom. If you will change the world. Do something.

[B]

You ready?

[A]

Yes. Hit me.

[B]

All right. I'm. I'm gonna give you all something.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

Give you two.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Don't take yourself seriously, but take what you do seriously. Okay? They believe her. And also, don't pay attention to your dad's.

[A]

The second one is going to be harder for me.

[B]

Think about your dad's reactions. Think about noises you make next time you're having sex. Like your dad. No.

[A]

And then you go. What was your dad's name?

[B]

Gene.

[A]

Gene. You're gonna go, Gene. Stop it.

[B]

No. By the way, you can put that curse on me. This is how far away my dad is. He's laying. He's 100 miles away with your curse. Yeah. So you can tell me. Do that. I will not be doing.

[A]

Hear yourself sometimes and think. Oh, I bet Gene made that noise.

[B]

No.

[A]

No.

[B]

Your dad's still alive.

[A]

Yes, he is.

[B]

Invite him to the show. I'm gonna do a good 20 minutes.

[A]

He's in Texas, so I can. I'll have to fly him in, but it might be worth it.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Because I don't think we've ever talked about it.

[B]

I'm not talking about this on stage. You are wrong, sir. Damn it.

[A]

Well, he won't hear it. And we've never spoken of it. My dad walked in on me. You don't talk about.

[B]

Erection.

[A]

Why are you saying it to you? I'm getting it off my chest.

[B]

Masturbating. Oh, I walked.

[A]

I just finished. Oh, this classic. And I. Yeah, so here's the thing. I. Oh, God. Why am I. When did I hire you as a therapist?

[B]

But it's working with a sock on.

[A]

So I had. Way before American Pie. I had a sock as a catch. A catch all. You know, we've all tried some things.

[B]

And so I've Never tried that one.

[A]

Yeah, give it a run, Gene.

[B]

You know what's interesting? I'm thinking about doing it and thinking of your dad.

[A]

Yeah. So I had a turtle. This is a weird part of the story. In a tank with water. And it caused the wooden door in my room to swell. So in order to open my door, you'd have to kind of give it a little shoulder, and it would make a noise. And so I had finished up, and I'm standing at the edge of the bed with a sock.

[B]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You're standing with a sock on your erection partial, which is a connection with your dad looking at a turtle.

[A]

No, the turtle was in the room. We didn't make eye contact. I always made sure not to. You're the first aquarium door opens up, and I'm standing there, obviously in some sort of disarray. This is not good. And my dad looks at me with a hand on the door, and he goes, dinner's ready. Stop it. And then the door closes, and we never spoke of it again. I tried to eat dinner with the family. Oh, I don't remember that.

[B]

And then he said. I listened as he did it. And the noises he made were just like me.

[A]

Great impression.

[B]

I looked at his erection. You couldn't tell ours apart.

[A]

What a matter of pride, you know?

[B]

Where's your mom in all this?

[A]

She was long gone at that point. She had to run away. No, I.

[B]

It wasn't even a tube sock.

[A]

It was a footy. You have to wonder, does grandpa make those?

[B]

Wait a minute. Let's take a step.

[A]

Now he's analyzed. There we go.

[B]

Wasn't even a tube sock. Who the hell's filling a tube sock?

[A]

Yeah, I'm impressed with that.

[B]

Footy is more than anyone needs my dad, even if you have a lot. What the hell? A tube sock.

[A]

If I could fill a tube sock.

[B]

Hold on. If you can go from the top of the tube sock to the bottom, you're a hall of Famer.

[A]

And by the way, if that's the case, I don't care if anybody walks in on me. I'm probably walking around like that most of the time with a tube sock on, going, come on, I'm the only one with the three stripes.

[B]

Forget it. You are just so off walking around with a tube sock on your wiener.

[A]

Well, I would have not. It probably was more of a footy. Anyway, it's good to meet you.

[B]

Can I tell you something? You're a vulnerable, real man.

[A]

I appreciate it.

[B]

Better human. You other Fellas, not so much.

[A]

Jeff. I love a little more reserved Jeff Garland, everybody. Go to the Desert Ridge Improv and enjoy your weekend.

[B]

By the way, my show will be almost exactly like the.

[A]

Which is.

[B]

And I'm not kidding, I improvise it.

[A]

Oh, that's fantastic.

[B]

And I don't do crowd work.

[A]

Good.

[B]

If I see something, I'll ask about it, but I don't really dive in.

[A]

We had Spade on earlier in the week, and he said my crowd work is when somebody talks to me. I go, get this guy out of here.

[B]

He just removes David so much. What was he in town for?

[A]

He's here tonight. He's competing against you at Celebrity, I Believe.

[B]

Believe.

[A]

But theater. Yeah. His tickets are too expensive. Well, that's why he had to do our show.

[B]

Oh, by the way, that's really funny to think about that. But I love David.

[A]

Yeah, he's the best.

[B]

I love him.

[A]

Yeah. Well, you guys can hook up this weekend, because he'll be here tonight.

[B]

I don't want to see.

[A]

I don't blame it.

[B]

You've done what you need. No, but I do love him. He was on Curb.

[A]

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Everybody.

[B]

But I. I've known him for a long, long, long, long time. And I just love that dude. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. Jeff, it is a pleasure. Thank you for doing this.

[B]

Hey, an honor, fellas.

[A]

Awesome.

[B]

And watch for the erection show.

[A]

That's right, this big Jeff Garland's dad.

[B]

Erection show at the Desert Ridge Improv. All right. Thank you.

[A]

Thank you. Jeff Garland, everybody. It's 98, Arizona's most powerful, powerful rock radio station. This is Michael with Restore My Civil Rights. This Fourth of July, as we celebrate freedom and the birth of our nation, ask yourself, are you truly free if past convictions are still holding you or a loved one back? It's time to reclaim independence. At Restore My Civil Rights, our attorney helps Americans like you reclaim what was lost. I did it. And so can you. To fight for your rights, visit restoremycivilrights.com or call 855 GUN RIGHTS and book a free consultation today.