07-01-25 - Worst Job In City Might Be Divers Who Scrubbed Salt River Of 8k Pounds Of Trash We've All Been Swimming In - BO

Summary

Episode Summary: "Worst Job In City Might Be Divers Who Scrubbed Salt River Of 8k Pounds Of Trash We've All Been Swimming In"

Podcast: Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona
Host: John Holmberg
Air Date: July 1, 2025
Episode Title: "Worst Job In City Might Be Divers Who Scrubbed Salt River Of 8k Pounds Of Trash We've All Been Swimming In - BO"

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Introduction

In this engaging episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness on Arizona's #1 Morning Radio Show, host John Holmberg delves into the often-overlooked but incredibly challenging job of divers tasked with cleaning the Salt River. Joined by co-host Michael, the discussion unpacks the environmental and societal impacts of pollution in local waterways, interwoven with their characteristic humor and candid storytelling.

The Herculean Task of River Divers

John Holmberg opens the conversation by highlighting a local hero—a police officer who specializes in water rescues and spearheads efforts to clean the Salt River. He remarks:

"He's got to put the suit on and go down and start looking for your drunk uncle. So they got a scuba team together when these guys aren't doing much of rescuing and they went down to Salt river and scuba'd up 8,000 pounds of trash."
[00:31]

The team’s mission involves retrieving a staggering 8,000 pounds of debris, far beyond the typical cups and cans one might expect. Among the collected items were over 100 cell phones, raising questions about why individuals are risking their safety by leaving devices unattended in the river:

"They found 100 cell phones. And I still don't understand why people are bringing their cel. Keeping them loose hand. Like I'd be scared to death myself."
[02:53]

Types of Waste Encountered

Michael joins in, adding a comedic yet poignant touch to the grim reality of the situation:

"Gotta do a selfie."
[02:58]

The conversation shifts to the variety of waste discovered, including used condoms, which sparks humorous yet critical commentary on public hygiene:

"They found over a hundred cell phones and 8,000 pounds of garbage... loads and loads of condoms. Like, oh, God, river water girl."
[03:49]

The hosts navigate this sensitive topic with humor, discussing the absurdity and repulsiveness of such waste in natural water bodies.

Environmental and Public Health Concerns

John emphasizes the broader environmental impact, noting the ecological harm caused by such pollution:

"This salt river cleanup is a tough gig. And surprisingly, no, like, bodies. No Brett bodies. No, no Brett's been out there. Nobody. No bones, nothing."
[06:37]

The discussion extends to other polluted areas, such as public pools, drawing parallels between natural water bodies and man-made recreational facilities plagued by contamination:

"They just tell you... it's almost the annual Verrado shutdown. That pool closes every year for feces. Too much feces."
[11:10]

Personal Anecdotes and Humorous Insights

Interspersed with serious commentary are personal stories and humor that make the episode relatable and entertaining. John shares his misadventures with public pools:

"I've never had a child in my pool... two children in my pool. What is going on?"
[13:34]

He humorously recounts the chaos of unexpected pool guests and the subsequent need for intense cleaning measures:

"I shocked the pool when those two kids were in there... a quinceanera and a live birth. It was unintentional, but we had a quinceanera and a live birth."
[14:18]

The Human Element: Responsibility and Community Effort

The hosts touch upon the importance of community responsibility in maintaining clean public spaces. John commends the divers' efforts while lamenting the ongoing challenges:

"Tip of the cap to the guys who went through all that, because that ain't fun at all. It's repulsive."
[07:44]

Michael suggests practical solutions, emphasizing the need for collective action to prevent further pollution:

"We just gotta shut it down, fence around rock and then put pictures up of what we used to do before we could. Because we can't have nice things because everybody ruins it."
[15:44]

Conclusion

The episode wraps up with a blend of humor and a call to action, urging listeners to recognize the importance of environmental stewardship. John and Michael's conversational style not only entertains but also educates the audience about the real-world implications of pollution and the heroic efforts of those who strive to combat it.

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Notable Quotes:

• John Holmberg: "They found over a hundred cell phones and 8,000 pounds of garbage... loads and loads of condoms."
  [03:49]

• Michael: "Gotta do a selfie."
  [02:58]

• John Holmberg: "Tip of the cap to the guys who went through all that, because that ain't fun at all. It's repulsive."
  [07:44]

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This episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness not only sheds light on a critical environmental issue but does so with a unique blend of humor and sincerity, making it both informative and highly entertaining for listeners.

Transcript

[John Holberg]

You're listening to the HMS podcast brought.

[Michael]

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[John Holberg]

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[Michael]

Gotta do a selfie.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, that's why. Oh, what am I thinking? Right? It's for the picture people. But they found over a hundred cell phones and 8,000 pounds of garbage, which I'm. And you know, there's so many gross 12 pack cases. Yeah. But there's also just gross stuff like nonsense. That is a gross gig to clean the bottom of Salt River. Yeah. I don't even think that river flows.

[Michael]

Watery river flow still. It vibrates on the bottom.

[John Holberg]

Every now and then they said, cans, sheets, shoes, sheets, random stuff. But just beer cans and sheets were the big one. Cell phones and then loads and loads of condoms. Like, oh, God, river water girl. She's willing to take that in her condoms on the river. Yeah, but think of the girl like.

[Michael]

That'S the name of song.

[John Holberg]

I'll let you. I'll let you bang me in this river. That's some real class there.

[Michael]

Yeah, well, we better be safe.

[John Holberg]

I better not pregnate you. Yeah, put on a jimmy hat. Let's do it. Just shove that water up in me. I think river water would kill anything anyway.

[Michael]

It's got to be better than.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, well, I don't think she can get a disease, but I don't know what is growing inside of her after. I'd rather have a baby. Well, with her you never know.

[Michael]

If she's willing to do it on.

[John Holberg]

The river, who knows what's in there. Yeah, Swamp thing comes pouring out of her later. Peas green.

[Michael]

I don't know what happened, Moss.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. Oh, loads of it.

[Michael]

And just all the pee and poop in that river too. Just going around.

[John Holberg]

And for months afterwards, every time you go down on her, it's like Eating out of a garbage can at salad and go weird green growths and lettuce leaves and I don't know what happened. Ever since you banged me in the river, I got mossy pubes. Okay. That's your new by the great band name, Mossy Pubes. But and only for an individual. Change your name as an individual singer. Kind of like Alabama shakes. You are mossy pubes.

[Michael]

Is that a salamander in there?

[John Holberg]

Two things I'm gonna teach you today. Somebody talks about end of times too much. You don't. You don't hang out with them, family or otherwise. A girl is willing to bang you in the river one time and then run from that. No. One time. No way. Look, you might have to do it. No. You've been to the river. Stuff will fall off after I'm told.

[Michael]

It's gotten worse since last time I've been there.

[John Holberg]

So I haven't been another 25 years later. It's not the river's fault. The natural body. It's the people that go there. It's the ones inside there that are willing to do that. The fun people are still fun. But boning in that river, I got no hitter. You never done. It's fun. I always tell the story when Kevin Shirley took a huge poop while we were floating down the river together. And for some reason, it stayed with him like it was on a tracker. We tried to swim over to the side. Cause his turds were with us the whole float. And we're like, get away from it. And we would get over there and wait, like two minutes. Like, it's gotta be far enough away. And then the next thing you know, ah, Kevin's turds are back. Like, it found us. We kept floating back to his turds like there was a homing beacon. There you go. Yeah, exactly. Well, besides that, there's fish and pee.

[Michael]

And fish poop and largest carp in Arizona. Just so much food.

[John Holberg]

That's true. So true. I can't imagine how much poop and tampon is inside that carp. They got it like, jaws and just. It's momo tampons and poo. That salt river cleanup is a tough gig. And surprisingly, no, like, bodies. No Brett bodies. No, no Brett's been out there. Nobody. No bones, nothing.

[Michael]

Rivers on the east side.

[John Holberg]

That's true. You're not driving all the way over there. You got the west side, where they live, where the dead bodies live. But so that team of divers out there, they found $6, a bunch of sunglasses. Now that I'd Expect a ton of sunglasses, a fanny pack with two cell phones and a gun. Somebody brought a little extra. I'm going to float, but I don't want to get cancer. And I definitely want to kill someone that looks at me sideways. So I'm bringing my gun too. You never know when you're going to get robbed on a float. I don't know what you're shooting.

[Michael]

What are they gonna rob you for?

[John Holberg]

That's what I'm saying.

[Michael]

Can of Natty Light or something.

[John Holberg]

I mean, I don't know why you need. I'm. Hell yeah. In case this gets out of hand. I want to have higher power on the float anyway. And then the one guy said, yeah, you know, after going through all this, all of us together can make the river a better place if we. If we'd knock off all that stuff. But we can't. Human beings can't do that. So tip of the cap to the guys who went through all that, because that ain't fun at all. It's repulsive. And there's been things I've done in that river. I've never. You know, it's like slide rock. I've always said, never been there. Oh, I don't see it. But I've heard it's nothing but just.

[Michael]

Shut down for a.

[John Holberg]

It's feces. Yeah, it's. It's poor families that drive all the way up there for day trips and have their kids take. Basically take fun baths and get all their poop on that rock.

[Michael]

Hillbilly bidet. Yeah.

[John Holberg]

And if it gets too hot, the city goes. Somebody up in Sedona goes, we got a closed slide rock for a few days that you can smell. How bad?

[Michael]

Get enough water circuit.

[John Holberg]

It's not moving the poop around. They clean it. They put chlorine in the water. They wait for a rain and then the flow gets going and it washes away all that poor people feces. And then it's. The levels are back down to 50% poop. 50% Oak Creek. And then you can slide down that dumb rock again. And think about it. It's dirty poor people putting their butts on a hard rock. And then with algae and disgusting and their. Their unclean ass is slipping down that thing. Just pooping. And they poop and pee and they do. All the kids don't control it. And you look and it's just. It's a line of people pooping and peeing and sliding down that rock. It's repulsive. I've driven by that before and I've never seen it is. Look, the zone looked cleaner than what I drove by when those homeless people were at their peak downtown. I'm like, I'd rather hang out there than slide rock. Oh, it's that bad? It was that bad. Just dirty, gross weirdos wanting to wipe their asses on this rock.

[Michael]

It's gotta be. I mean, for what Sedona's known for, that is the rock bottom.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. Oh, it's. Yeah. Yeah. That's the hillbilly side of town. Yeah. Monopoly's a fun game, but Baltic Avenue suc. There's always a spot. That's the one.

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[John Holberg]

Holmberg's morning sickness. But oh, and they never clean that. They just tell you. And they tell you like they're signed. It's the almost the annual Verrado shutdown. That pool closes every year for feces. Too much feces. Like they check the levels every once in a while because they've got to. Now we gotta shut her down. We gotta drain the pool. And start all over again. They gotta scrub it down. Why? Too many people go in with dirty butts. Think of how much it has to be to make a pool. The chlorine can't keep up with all the poop. And the levels start to beat the poop. Like, oh, the poop is now surpassed. You know, safe levels. We got a closer up. It happens every year at Verrada. Once it gets to be 110, the poop starts winning, the chlorine starts losing at the public pool. It's awful, just awful. So you know, if you don't have a pool, you can go to the river's are the second best option. Then just, you know, stealing somebody's hose water out in front of their house, then not doing it at all. And then finally public pools. That's the last place you should slide off.

[Michael]

You're thinking the backyard pop up. Insta stew. That's in the right. They put the fill water up and then they plan it all day long.

[John Holberg]

Oh, the, the ones they use the hose and then they put dirty filthy ass kids in it. And then it sits in your backyard and what do you do with it? Pour it in the grass. Like the kids are all done taking huge. And kid poops do. Ugh. High five. Brad. I've never had a child in my pool. In fact, one time I did and I didn't know it. I had a bunch of landscapers over. Can we work Sunday? They were doing a bunch of work. I'm like, yeah, you guys can work Sunday. Absolutely. Do you mind we come by and bring a couple of people? Like bring as many as you need. We'll get this thing knocked out if you're working Sunday. Okay, we bye bye. Sunday. Okay. Sunday morning I wake up and I can hear Tink, Tink. I get one, two. And I want all that whistling. That's a language to them. And they're running around. I peek out my window, I'm like, that looks great because I'm not doing it. And I'm in washing my hands in the kitchen sink and I look over at the pool and I'm like, two children in my pool. What is going on? And I go outside, I'm like, hey, what's going on? Javier? Hi. What's going to mind? We bring. And then I notice there's a woman. And then like two other ladies.

[Michael]

Some guy in pointy cowboy boots.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, there's a couple of guys that I've seen a couple of times. Who's that lady? My wife and my kids. Come by. They want to help. Kids aren't helping at all. They're. I think they're taking peas in my pool right now. Javier, you don't mind if I use the pool? I suppose not, since you're here on Sunday, I guess. And Then by like 4 in the afternoon, there were like 9 more people there. Aunts, uncles. They're using the grill. Wait a minute, hold on. What's going on? We are staying like. No, I don't. No, no, no, no. On the grill, going.

[Michael]

But I will tell you, this 55 gallon trum of.

[John Holberg]

It may sound bigoted and it doesn't. It doesn't intentionally mean to, but I shocked the pool after they left.

[Michael]

So you were Judge Schmells and caddy. Sh.

[John Holberg]

I want it all cleaned and scrubbed and drained and scrubbed. I did. I shocked it when those two kids were in there. And they're gonna think it's because they're laborers, children. That's not the case. They're children and they're not allowed in my pool. So just two of them. I thought, I gotta shock this thing or I've got myself my own little slide rock brewing back there by the by that Sunday, they knocked everything out. So in a way, for the worth it cost of a couple of bags of pool shock and a barbecue and. Yeah, the barbecue and the music and the dancing and the quinceanera. It was unintentional, but we had a quinceanera and a live birth.

[Michael]

It's a good trade.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, one of them gave birth and then that one went right to work. It was amazing. The baby came out and started digging.

[Michael]

Pissing off Troy Michael with tubas and accordions playing and everything.

[John Holberg]

Then you see infant Bobby Babino and the baby look over and goes, ah, hop seed bush. Go right here, right here. And the baby's over there, just umbilical cord still attached, but playing a hop seed. That's impressive. Then he got in the pool. I'm just saying, we're at that season now where it's all going south, but to the guys who had to clean the river. Can we just get a bag of shock up at Salt River Canyon and just shock the river? I don't kill all the fish and stuff, but they'll be back.

[Michael]

Ruin. No, just don't let them slide.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, we just gotta shut it down, fence around rock and then put pictures up of what we used to do before we could. Because we can't have nice things because everybody ruins it. Anyway.

[Michael]

Open up a public pool in Sedona Keep them off the rock.

[John Holberg]

No, open it up.

[Michael]

And they got a couple over there.

[John Holberg]

I've never seen a public pool in Sedona.

[Michael]

Well, yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[John Holberg]

Those aren't public. Not open to the masses. That's why slide rocks are things because the even like you know, the Hampton Inn isn't going to let you up there in Sedona. Just start using the pool. You got to be paying guests. And if that were to happen, I brag that you'd have your own bag of shock in your resort room at Enchantment to go pour on your Just use the bathtub. It's gross. This guy says, my best mushroom trip of my life happened at the Salt River. It was beautiful. The nature, the sky, the water. The amazing mushrooms had us flying. A cardinal followed us the entire way down. Which one? Louise Sharp or Tyler Vai Sikahima. We went right down and went down the tranquil side, dodged the rapids. We had a picnic on the shore, picked up all of our trash and let the river ride us home. As I cloud gazed, I said the phrase aloud, I am adrift in my own mind's pool. I went back without the mushrooms and realized this tampon that's floating next to me is making me sick. People are disgusting. It's a deplorable place, brain dead or otherwise trying to be brain dead afterwards. So obviously I haven't been back without mushrooms for another trip down the river. Yeah, I've had a lot of fun at that river. Tons of it. I remember once we were tying our skim boards to a tree. I take my jeep over to a corner where there's these rapids. You tie it to a tree and just get up on the skim board and surf against the rapids. It was the neatest thing in the world. I remember you'd go and you'd try tricks and stuff and I fell off once and I got caught in one of those under water currents and I remember thinking to myself, this is how I die. Like I was sort of euphorically dying and I'm like, I can't get out of it. And I was carried I don't know how far down and then just shot back up to the top of the water and I'm bobbing and I'm looking around and I'm like, no idea where I am. It took me for a ride and then I finally see him. Everybody in the corner looking like, dude, we thought you were dead. It was way down the river that luckily I held my breath the whole time and didn't panic.

[Michael]

What a way to dye tampons and diapers.

[John Holberg]

Just shooting into your nose and mouth the whole time as you're in the plugging up the nostrils just every like shooting blow darts at Indiana Jones tampons. And I just popped up. I'm like I'm okay. It was weird but I've had so much fun at that river it's ridiculous. But I also recognize some of the people that go there aren't exactly the most hygienic Arizona's most powerful powerful rock radio station.

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