07-10-25 - Affion Crockett - Stand Up Live - In Studio - Taking Relationship Advice Calls From Listeners

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona Episode: 07-10-25 - Affion Crockett - Stand Up Live - In Studio - Taking Relationship Advice Calls From Listeners Release Date: July 10, 2025

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Introduction of Guest: Affion Crockett

In this episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness on 98 KUPD, host John Holmberg welcomes the talented comedian and impressionist, Affion Crockett, to the studio. Affion brings his unique blend of humor and insightful perspectives, setting the stage for an engaging morning show.

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Comedy and Impressions

The conversation kicks off with John praising Affion's impressive repertoire of impressions.

• John Holmberg [01:24]: "You're a very talented man. You do tons of impressions. I admire impressions. I love impressions."

Affion shares anecdotes about developing his craft, including his Chris Rock impression inspired by Sean Wayans during the MTV Video VMAs.

• Affion Crockett [08:19]: "I learned how to do Chris Rock impression from Sean Wayans when they hosted the MTV Video VMAs."

John expresses admiration for Affion's skill, emphasizing the authenticity and brilliance of his performances.

• John Holmberg [08:16]: "It's perfect. Nobody else should do it. I'm done with it. I'll never do it again."

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Navigating Fame and Consistency

A significant portion of the discussion delves into the pressures of fame and Affion's approach to maintaining a steady career in the entertainment industry.

• Affion Crockett [11:18]: "I've been in the game since '95. 30 years. My journey is one of consistency. I'd rather just have that. Like, I don't need it all."

Affion contrasts his steady approach with the meteoric rise and fall experienced by other comedians like Dane Cook, highlighting his preference for longevity over fleeting fame.

• John Holmberg [12:04]: "It's been a long time."
• Affion Crockett [12:13]: "What happens is you start to meet these people who are at the top of the food chain and they're not always happy."

He echoes Bernie Mac's sentiment about preferring a consistent presence over brief stardom.

• Affion Crockett [11:46]: "Bernie Mac said, 'I don't want to be really hot for two years and then be not unknown again.' I would rather be lukewarm for 20, 30 years."

---

Relationship Advice Segment

The heart of the episode revolves around Affion and John taking live relationship advice calls from listeners. Affion adopts the persona of Dr. Afion Crockett, offering candid and sometimes blunt advice.

Caller 1: Eric's Struggle with Dating as a Single Dad

• Affion Crockett [17:29]: "So where's the problem? You saying you like the hoes?"
• Affion Crockett [18:27]: "Don't be fooled by the stay-at-home mom thing. You think she can't be cheating on you, but..."

Affion encourages Eric to reflect on his dating choices, emphasizing personal responsibility.

Caller 2: Sean's Desire for a More "Freaky" Relationship

• John Holmberg [21:14]: "She is completely freaky. Just not when you're home."
• Affion Crockett [22:13]: "Women get freakier as they get older. They get better with age."

Affion suggests that Sean may be miscommunicating his desires and needs within his relationship.

Caller 3: Joe's Legal and Financial Entanglements with His Ex

• Affion Crockett [26:16]: "Cut the water off. She gonna walk around here stank and sweaty in this hot."
• Affion Crockett [26:35]: "You can provide her cleanliness or her swamp ass. It's all up to you."

Affion advises Joe to take decisive action in his contentious relationship, albeit in a humorous and exaggerated manner.

---

Impressions and Performances

Affion discusses his favorite impressions, particularly his rendition of Maya Angelou, which he feels deserves more recognition.

• Affion Crockett [27:15]: "Maya Angelou. As soon as I started doing it, a bunch of copycats sprung up."
• John Holmberg [27:17]: "Because you're my Angelou."

Affion expresses frustration over others replicating his unique impressions, emphasizing the originality of his performances.

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Closing Remarks and Words of Wisdom

As the show wraps up, Affion and John share their final thoughts and humorous takeaways from the day's discussions.

• Affion Crockett [28:22]: "I've done enough. I've done my job."
• John Holmberg [28:25]: "Cut the water off. That's a beautiful thing."

Affion reinforces his role as a relationship advisor with a lighthearted disclaimer.

• Affion Crockett [26:35]: "Disclaimer. I'm not a licensed therapist. Everything I've said is only opinion and meant for entertainment purposes only."

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Conclusion

This episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness offers listeners a blend of sharp humor, insightful discussions on fame and consistency, and engaging relationship advice. Affion Crockett's candid and entertaining approach provides both laughs and food for thought, making it a memorable addition to Arizona's #1 Morning Radio Show lineup.

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Notable Quotes:

• Affion Crockett [05:08]: "All my issues. I'm gonna be honest with you, except some of my family members. 100 million is going to do it for me."
• John Holmberg [14:10]: "Afion you're getting your glizzy gone away for about 90 minutes on Thursday, Friday and Saturday down."
• Affion Crockett [21:57]: "She is like, all right, you go, I'm gonna lay down on my back."

Disclaimer: All timestamps are approximate and based on provided transcript excerpts.

Transcript

[John Holmberg]

You're listening to the HMS Podcast, brought to you by MMP Guns.com, your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition, and accessories.

[Unknown Host]

All right, HMS Podcast, time again to let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week. All right, just a Note that the three venues will all be closed on July 4th. That's Friday night. That doesn't mean there's a lack of comedy, though, because we have Francisco Ramos coming in on Saturday at Stand Up Live run on Hirshberg and Camp Bertrand, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday at Tempe Improv. And John Heffron's going to be at the Desert Ridge Improv on Thursday, Saturday, Saturday, and Sunday as well. For the complete lineups and for tickets, go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com and tempeimprov.com it's.

[John Holmberg]

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[Afion Crockett]

You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself.

[John Holmberg]

He's evil. Sitting right here. Come on.

[Afion Crockett]

No, no, he's not. He's not evil. He's just a bit rude.

[John Holmberg]

All right, off we go. Afyon Crockett, a series at Stand Up Live tonight, Tomorrow and Saturday, standuplive.com and I apologize to you because you're. You're a very talented man. You do tons of impressions. I admire impressions. I love impressions.

[Afion Crockett]

Thank you.

[John Holmberg]

And you do a ton of them. And you've been here a bunch of times. And every single time, either P. Diddy's doing something stupid. And you had a story about that last time you were here. It was right when all that stuff started to go.

[Afion Crockett]

Yeah, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And. And then you broke out, like, kind of your fault. One of the first things you said was, I was at a white party.

[Afion Crockett]

Yeah. It wasn't my fault. It's just history.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Afion Crockett]

Right.

[John Holmberg]

And so I Lost all train of thought going here. You're not doing any Chris Rock today. We're going right into what happened at the white party and nothing. You were at a. Like a tame one.

[Afion Crockett]

Yeah, yeah, I was at a day. A day white party, as I said out loud.

[John Holmberg]

D E Y or day white party.

[Afion Crockett]

If I say it out loud. You can take that. How you want to take. Was either a whole bunch of white people or I was at a whole day white party with black people dressed in white clothes.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Afion Crockett]

However you want to flip. Was more like a cookout. You know what I mean?

[John Holmberg]

I was a little. Okay, that's.

[Afion Crockett]

You've heard the Boots on the Ground song now. Where everybody. Where them fans at? It was one of them. A lot of line dancing on of a Beverly Hills mansion, but nothing to report.

[John Holmberg]

Like you were never worried about getting called into court?

[Afion Crockett]

Nothing. Yeah, I wasn't worried about getting called into court or into somebody's bedroom. Like, you know, I. I keep my perfect.

[John Holmberg]

You kept it together.

[Afion Crockett]

Yeah, I keep my rear end to myself. You know, that's kind of been a practice.

[John Holmberg]

You know what?

[Afion Crockett]

It's been a practice.

[John Holmberg]

You should speak at elementary schools with that as the theme. Keep your ear into yourself. Kids. Kids. Yeah, that's a key rear at Stranger.

[Afion Crockett]

Danger is what you should say if a grown man offers you baby oil in a. In a comfortable bed at a party.

[John Holmberg]

It's a fact. I don't want to go to bed at any party I've ever been to. That's a fact.

[Afion Crockett]

Why would you want to go to bed?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, well, I mean. Yeah, we both. We both made the mistake. I know.

[Afion Crockett]

Depending on where you might be, you, you know, you might take a nice guy's trip to Puerto Rico. Dr. I don't know. You know, it might be appropriate. Sure, then.

[John Holmberg]

But you have that moment where the other guy that's with you goes, can I come too? And that's when I draw lines. I am a one boner per room guy.

[Afion Crockett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

That's my rule.

[Afion Crockett]

Nah, you can't. You can't come to. Or come to.

[John Holmberg]

Exactly.

[Afion Crockett]

So we're going to go ahead and entendre that and.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. So last time you were here, that.

[Unknown Guest]

Was a glizzy fest.

[John Holmberg]

Oh my God, it was ridiculous. Wangs everywhere.

[Afion Crockett]

I'm laughing that you know the term glizzy. Yeah, that's crazy.

[John Holmberg]

He doesn't look like a guy who would know glizzy.

[Afion Crockett]

No, you don't.

[John Holmberg]

Except for think about. Yeah, think about it. He kind of does. He's gonna Learn all the terminology for food.

[Afion Crockett]

Oh, we own it now, right?

[John Holmberg]

He's not gonna pass up here in Glizzy and watch it.

[Unknown Guest]

I gotta know.

[John Holmberg]

Is that how you order that? He's gonna learn the secret code and that's it.

[Afion Crockett]

But in hip hop, Glizzy is code for other things.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, sure.

[Afion Crockett]

The fact that he's. He used it perfectly approaches industry, which.

[Unknown Guest]

Is interesting because how it turned into a hot dog.

[John Holmberg]

Wow.

[Afion Crockett]

It's right. Weird, right? Right.

[John Holmberg]

Cylindrical items. It kind of makes sense in its own weird way. But you haven't been anything that could pop up in the news later, like, years from now. You're not waiting, are you one of the. Yeah. You have something that you put. You posted. Somebody sent me because I had just said similar things and they said, this guy feels the same as you. And I'm like, oh, that's a found Crockett. And it was a post that said, money can't solve all your problems. And you just said, yes, it can.

[Afion Crockett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And I said, it solves all your problems. And no. You know who says that? Poor people.

[Afion Crockett]

Poor people say it. And people who have gotten a lot of money and don't know what to do with it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Afion Crockett]

Because there's some people that will never be satisfied. And if you're not satisfied with a hundred dollars in your pocket, you won't be satisfied with a hundred million. You're always gonna be looking for the next hundred million and the next and the next and the next. But I'm good with 100 million.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. It would solve a lot of issues.

[Afion Crockett]

All my issues. I'm gonna be honest with you, except some of my family members. 100 million is going to do it for me.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

It'll keep it from.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I always hate those. I hate those people that say, like, they'll watch a lottery winner and the news will jump on this when a lottery guy blows his whole life.

[Afion Crockett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Like. Well, that happens most of the time, but no, it doesn't. So many people win the lottery and are super happy afterwards, and people who didn't win want them to be miserable, so they point that out. Money, money, money solves all your problems.

[Unknown Guest]

Just the point of it. You're going to have problems no matter what.

[Afion Crockett]

Okay. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

But I'm out of caviar. Yeah. So they sent it to me. I'm like, yeah, he's right. You're the only one that says it.

[Afion Crockett]

Different level, different devil.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And you want more.

[Afion Crockett]

I want more.

[John Holmberg]

I want it all.

[Afion Crockett]

Listen, man, I'll take more money Every day.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Afion Crockett]

Just give me more money. Just give me more money. Because here's the thing.

[Unknown Guest]

I'll tell you when to stop.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll say when.

[Afion Crockett]

Keep pouring.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah. Not saying when.

[Afion Crockett]

Thing is this with money. Just give it to me every day.

[John Holmberg]

That's pretty. That's. Yeah, that's the whole point is if I give it to me every day, there won't be a bad day. In that. There's. The only bad day is the day you don't give it to me.

[Afion Crockett]

That's the only.

[John Holmberg]

That is true.

[Unknown Guest]

If I were to hand you $100 bill every day, would you like. Would that bum you?

[John Holmberg]

Would I ever. Not one day would I ever not look forward to seeing.

[Afion Crockett]

I'm not going to feel disrespected.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Afion Crockett]

In that. That's. It's a good day.

[John Holmberg]

All right, now I've got here in the Diddy thing. I read an article yesterday about the Diddy thing where the male prostitutes are now worried about their future. And then I noticed that they all were nicknamed because the Punisher.

[Afion Crockett]

They're worried about their future in their business.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Afion Crockett]

They want to stay in the business.

[John Holmberg]

They're worried that they have a target.

[Afion Crockett]

On their back, I think.

[John Holmberg]

Which they did in the first place.

[Afion Crockett]

I think literally.

[John Holmberg]

Literally had a target on their back.

[Afion Crockett]

A target and a man on their back. Glizzy.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, but that's their. Their. The nickname of the guy talking was like, I don't want anybody to know who I am. And then he calls himself the Punisher. And I don't know if females have that kind of like the vice grip. Do they have nicknames, too? Who? Prostitutes, women. They don't. Do they?

[Afion Crockett]

Why don't frequent.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I was just asking. You've been to white parties. I was trying to trap you. Right.

[Afion Crockett]

I know what to spend my money on.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I was trying to sting you on that. You walked right through it.

[Afion Crockett]

Damn it.

[John Holmberg]

You were fast.

[Unknown Guest]

Have you been with the Cave yet?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, the Cave nicknames.

[Unknown Guest]

I mean, like, what?

[John Holmberg]

Big Montana, Me and all my guys.

[Afion Crockett]

Can answer that one. It's cavernous.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Have you met Echo, the female prostitute? We have. The meats was say, like. Yeah. I don't get it.

[Afion Crockett]

We call her Arby's.

[John Holmberg]

If you're on Crockets, it stand up live tonight, tomorrow and Saturday. All right. Can you do. I hate to do this to you. Can you do the Chris Rock.

[Afion Crockett]

You know what? I spoke to Chris Rock at a party one day recently, and I said, hey, man, does it ever Offend you that I do the impression? He said, come on, man. I'm famous, man. Okay, you're supposed to. Okay, you're supposed to. Everybody know who I am, so. No, get offended, man. Keep doing it, man. Get your buddy, man.

[John Holmberg]

Okay. It's perfect.

[Afion Crockett]

Crazy, man.

[John Holmberg]

It's perfect.

[Afion Crockett]

Crazy.

[John Holmberg]

No one else should do it. I'm done with it. I'll never do it again.

[Afion Crockett]

No, look, there's some. There's some good ones out there.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, there's good ones.

[Afion Crockett]

I'm the originator of that version.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it's perfect.

[Afion Crockett]

And I always go on record as to say, I learned how to do Chris Rock impression from Sean Wayans when they hosted the MTV Video VMAs. Yeah, him and Marlon. Sean opened up the show with doing Chris Rock, and it was the most brilliant, really, seven, eight minutes of opening dialogue ever. He's doing Chris Rock type jokes.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Afion Crockett]

You didn't see it.

[John Holmberg]

Just YouTube it as an impression. He's doing Chris's act, only not only new material.

[Afion Crockett]

100%.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, that's awesome.

[Afion Crockett]

Oh, my God. And he's calling out people in the audience like Britney Spears and all of them, Britney Spears. Britney Spears is here. Guest. Oops. I did it again. Well, tell me what you did the first time. You can't sing. You know, you just. Oh, I'm editing. I'm editing because I'm on the air, but Google it. Shawn Wayans, Chris Rock.

[John Holmberg]

And that was the one that unlocked it for you.

[Afion Crockett]

That's the one that made me say, oh, that's how you do it. And that's one of my big brothers. So, you know, he has no issues with that.

[John Holmberg]

And here's the thing about you that people may not know, and this may sound insulting, it's not meant to.

[Afion Crockett]

Go ahead, man.

[John Holmberg]

You're famous with famous people. You're probably more famous with famous people than you are us regulars.

[Afion Crockett]

That's crazy how accurate that is.

[John Holmberg]

It's weird because I see, like, every famous person. I go, Afion Crockett. I know. And I seen you in videos with Will Smith and hanging out with these guys, and all these people are, like, best friends with you. And I'm like, why aren't you the biggest star in the world? Because you are amongst the stars.

[Afion Crockett]

Yeah. Because of the baby oil.

[John Holmberg]

Because you wouldn't do it. Because you wouldn't blow.

[Afion Crockett]

Don't do the baby oil.

[John Holmberg]

You refuse to blow them.

[Afion Crockett]

I'm comfortable being unblowable and in my, you know, marginal public fame.

[John Holmberg]

You've had wonderful success I've had great success. You are incredibly famous.

[Afion Crockett]

Like the famous great.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Afion Crockett]

Right. But sure, I'm not Kevin Hart level. Right.

[John Holmberg]

But he's blown too many guys.

[Afion Crockett]

I don't say that. I can't. That's my friend.

[John Holmberg]

I say that. Of course he is.

[Afion Crockett]

You're famous theme Kevin Hart like that. Yeah. I don't know why that is. I do have. I do have friends and I play.

[John Holmberg]

I saw you with Larry David. I'm like afield Crockett knows everybody. Everybody loves you.

[Afion Crockett]

You.

[John Holmberg]

And I like, you should be the most famous guy in the. In the world.

[Afion Crockett]

I should be. But you know what? At this point, just give me the money.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. Just keep paying.

[Afion Crockett]

I am content with just the money and I. And being able to disappear. Give me 100 million.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Afion Crockett]

You'll probably never see me up here again.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Would you rather be like that and have the respect of all your peers beyond, like, measure, or have like, you know, a meteoric rise and fall? A ton of money?

[Afion Crockett]

I would. You said a ton of money.

[John Holmberg]

You get a ton of money.

[Afion Crockett]

The respect of my.

[John Holmberg]

No, you lose. Nobody, nobody famous or in your peer group likes you. They don't care. But I'm not like going to say Dane Cook, but we're all talking about it like his meteoric rock. I like Dane Cook, but we all know what happened. It was above his pay grade. He's been in here since and he's like, that was too much for me to handle. I didn't know I was doing like, he had that jump to holy crap crazy. And then everybody just.

[Afion Crockett]

I don't want to rise and fall because if you notice anything about my career, I've been in the game since 95.

[John Holmberg]

It's been a long time.

[Afion Crockett]

30 years.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Afion Crockett]

Right. And so I've been able to progress every year and still be in the game and like you said, gained the respect of the top dogs in the game. So it's like crazy. I'm still here. My journey is one of consistency. So I'd rather just have that. Like, I don't need it all. Yeah. Bernie Mac said that one time in an interview. He said, I don't want to be really hot for two years and then be not unknown again.

[John Holmberg]

And that's.

[Afion Crockett]

I would rather be lukewarm for 20, 30 years.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Afion Crockett]

And because lukewarm means you're still here, you're still getting jobs, you're still halfway through it.

[John Holmberg]

Do you think Afion in 1997 would have said that?

[Afion Crockett]

I don't think so. Afion in 1997 would have been like, I want to be the biggest star in the world. But that's, that's youthful, no matter how long it takes. Naivete.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it's dumb. Yeah, it turns out it's dumb because.

[Afion Crockett]

What happens is you start to meet these people who are at the top of the food chain and they're not always happy. Not saying all of them are, but they're not all. It's not what it's cracked up to be.

[John Holmberg]

Oh no. It's pressure.

[Unknown Guest]

And sometimes though, something can pop that you'd never think. And all of a sudden it. That's that two year run, whether it's a character or something and you're pigeonholed in that.

[John Holmberg]

I think that's what Dan Cook said when he was. He goes, dude, I was just doing my act and the next thing you know it was exploding. And he goes, I didn't know that it was going to do that. And it went crazy. And then you start to think about the pressure to maintain that it's impossible.

[Afion Crockett]

Right.

[John Holmberg]

So you can't do it.

[Afion Crockett]

Yeah, well, it depends on where you are in life. I'm not going to say that it's impossible to maintain. It's just for some people, it's just a different. We're all always in different places in life. We don't know what someone's dealing with mentally, family wise, we just don't know. So I try not to judge anybody. It can happen to anybody.

[John Holmberg]

But that's where we're different.

[Afion Crockett]

Exactly.

[John Holmberg]

Because I judge everybody immediately. Almost immediately.

[Afion Crockett]

You definitely don't care.

[John Holmberg]

I don't.

[Afion Crockett]

And I love that about you. You don't care. I have so much care that I still carry until I get on stage. When I'm on stage, I've seen that I'm a different person. I've seen that I go balls out on stage. But in my day to day life, I'm very politically correct.

[John Holmberg]

You had something on your Instagram that was about a woman who you asked, what do you want more from men? And paused it. Like, I haven't done that in a long time. The lady said, more energy.

[Afion Crockett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And he goes, what? And she was, he's like, what?

[Afion Crockett]

And I was very kind.

[John Holmberg]

You were super nice at first.

[Afion Crockett]

I want to know what you what the context was.

[John Holmberg]

Sexual energy.

[Afion Crockett]

Like when you walk in the room, do you want him to have more energy in greeting you?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Afion Crockett]

She said, nah. More energy in the bed.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Afion Crockett]

So then I'm still politically correct. I say okay. Is your man a hard working man? Because I'm thinking he doesn't have the energy because he's. Because he's busting the bacon. Yeah. She's like, well, I'm single, but. And that's when it went.

[John Holmberg]

It was over. It was over. Like, wait a minute. You want more energy in the bed and you're. You're.

[Afion Crockett]

And you're single.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Afion Crockett]

Get a man in the bed first.

[John Holmberg]

The line I love the most was, you're getting low energy. Club dick. That's your fault.

[Afion Crockett]

That is on you. You getting low energy from this empathetic.

[John Holmberg]

Afion you're getting here goes away for about 90 minutes on Thursday, Friday and Saturday down.

[Unknown Guest]

Who's the guy we were talking about earlier this week that he passed away, but he would break down the women.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah. What the hell was his name? Kevin something. He was a dude.

[Afion Crockett]

Kevin Samuels.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, my God, I love Kevin Samuels.

[Afion Crockett]

No, Kevin Samuels.

[John Holmberg]

I just rediscovered Kevin Samuels here recently, and I started to get into that hole and I'm like, my God, Holmberg's morning sickness. This is a dude.

[Afion Crockett]

So. Which I don't realize. I used to do an impression of a version of him during the pandemic.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, really?

[Afion Crockett]

He was always on IG Live.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Afion Crockett]

And had this big following and giving relationship advice.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Afion Crockett]

So I created this character, Dr. Devin Fontaine, who had the glasses and the gray beard.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Afion Crockett]

But just way more flamboyant than Kevin Samuels. But it's all based on where.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Afion Crockett]

What he weighed. Yeah. What he was doing.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, my God. Yeah, I've just gotten into that. But I've had moments and I've been.

[Unknown Guest]

What size dress are you?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's a.

[Afion Crockett]

People don't like the truth. No. And you might. You might listen to him and say, man, that's. That's harsh. That's. But he's you. He just doesn't care.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. You have to have a little of that. Well, if you're gonna. If you're gonna ask the question.

[Unknown Guest]

He's stating reality in the fact that I can give you the answer yourself as an eight.

[Caller]

You're not.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. But I can give you the answer you want or I can give you the truth.

[Afion Crockett]

Which is it?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, exactly. You pick it. Because I'm giving you one.

[Afion Crockett]

And because there's a reason why you're on my phone right now.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, exactly.

[Afion Crockett]

With these relationship issues was a lady.

[John Holmberg]

Who called us the other day and she said, she's 54. And she said something. And I said, well, because she was bragging about how good she looks. And I'm like, well, what is it about you that looks so good? And she goes, I have great breasts. And I'm like, they've been augmented. And she goes, no, they're really big and they're natural. I'm like, well, they're 54. Nothing. 54 year old. That has not been touched up.

[Afion Crockett]

Hold on. Is it time to take a caller? Would you like relationship advice?

[John Holmberg]

Would you like relationship advice with a Fen Crockett?

[Afion Crockett]

All right, do it.

[John Holmberg]

We can do that. 585900. If you want Afion to fix it, he can do that. You're gonna get a call. It's not. You're. It's gonna be surprising because these people are coming at you hot now. So when. If they. If they choose to be brave enough.

[Afion Crockett]

They can't be coming at me any hotter than the city's already hot.

[John Holmberg]

That's true. It's a little warm. You picked a kind of a rotten weekend.

[Afion Crockett]

It's a little. It's a little.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. You're not gonna do any. And you're wearing a coat.

[Afion Crockett]

Well, it's only because. Same reason he is. I'm under the AC right now.

[John Holmberg]

He's doing that because his doctor told him if he didn't. There's a lot of reason that.

[Afion Crockett]

Cody.

[John Holmberg]

Medicine. That's medicine.

[Afion Crockett]

That's glizzy. That's glizzy jacket.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you want to see this lack of. Yeah, we'll take a caller for a fee on Crockett right now and see. But. Yeah, I like that. But I told her, I'm like, if I had like a 1971 car and I told you it's never been touched up.

[Afion Crockett]

Right.

[John Holmberg]

It would be. It would be awful. 54 year old natural breasts that you're bragging about. Yeah, you can't. All right, we got.

[Afion Crockett]

But I like the back.

[John Holmberg]

I could be wrong. I'm willing to admit. You know what? You're. You're bucking the trend here. All right, let's see. We got a guy named Eric is online. Eric, are you there?

[Caller]

I am here, yes.

[John Holmberg]

All right, Eric, you're on with Afion Crockett. He wants to solve your life. Go ahead.

[Unknown Guest]

Or is it doctor.

[John Holmberg]

It's Dr. Afion. We'll go with that.

[Afion Crockett]

Yeah, we'll just go with Dr. Afion.

[John Holmberg]

Right.

[Afion Crockett]

Right now, Eric, go ahead.

[Caller]

I'm a 33 year old single dad.

[Afion Crockett]

Single dad.

[Caller]

Struggle to settle down. Because my interest. I do, I do. But honest. Everything that follows falls across my lap. That's good is my age. But then no. Everything that is good that works out for me is 23 with no kids. But then everyone tells me that I should find myself someone within my 30 year old range.

[John Holmberg]

23 and 33 is not bad.

[Afion Crockett]

No, it's not what makes you happy. That's what you should be focused on. You should stop listening to other people. How old is your kid?

[John Holmberg]

She's 10.

[Afion Crockett]

She's 10. Oh, okay. She's a little adult. So it's not like the kid is, you know, doodling everywhere and throwing on the wall. So she's kind of self contained. So that shouldn't be a relationship deterrent. Unless every woman that's walking in the door, she's like, you ain't my damn mama, you know, and then she becomes that kid. So we got the kid out the way. So where's the problem? You saying you like the hoes?

[John Holmberg]

And, and let me add this in real quick. You're the father of this child, right? Yeah. I'm just making sure. It's a modern day, you never know.

[Caller]

Allegedly.

[John Holmberg]

Yes. So you only have the kid every two weeks?

[Afion Crockett]

Oh, what's the arrangement? Is she with you full time?

[John Holmberg]

You only get her every other weekend. 50.

[Afion Crockett]

50.

[John Holmberg]

So you have whole weeks off to bang the 20 year olds that you like?

[Afion Crockett]

Yeah. Where's the problem? You have a good life.

[John Holmberg]

You're screwing this up yourself.

[Afion Crockett]

Yeah, you're the problem, sir.

[Caller]

The one thing, the one thing died. When I try to find someone that is my own age, I can't find one that has no kids. It's always gonna be a 30 something year old with three or four baby daddies.

[Afion Crockett]

Yeah. So it sounds like you're having a good time with these 20 somethings.

[John Holmberg]

I don't.

[Afion Crockett]

I've yet to see where the problem is.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah.

[Unknown Guest]

Unless you're the one that wants to find the 30 year old, you're making your own drama.

[Afion Crockett]

That sounds like peer pressure. Yeah, it sounds like people from his church are like, hey Eric, you need to find a good girl who's in your age range and who knows how to read.

[John Holmberg]

Are you a Mormon, Eric?

[Caller]

I am not a Mormon.

[John Holmberg]

What is your religion? I think Apheon nailed it.

[Caller]

I don't go to church.

[John Holmberg]

I don't, I don't, I don't, I don't go to church. You're just doing this to yourself without like God pressure. This is dumb. That's your fault.

[Afion Crockett]

You're the problem, Eric.

[John Holmberg]

It's you.

[Afion Crockett]

I solved it.

[Caller]

I'M the problem?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, go drive around ASU and do your work, my friend.

[Caller]

I actually. I'm actually down the street from asu.

[John Holmberg]

Of course you are. Of course you are.

[Afion Crockett]

Just check IDs and you're good, bro.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. Just, you know what?

[Unknown Guest]

Get rid of the white van.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's a little weird. Don't do that. All right. Thanks, Eric. All right, Eric.

[Afion Crockett]

And the baby?

[John Holmberg]

Old.

[Afion Crockett]

No. Bit. Now.

[John Holmberg]

We're gonna keep going. People think you're gonna solve their lives.

[Afion Crockett]

Get to it.

[John Holmberg]

Up. All right. Sean is on the line. Sean, are you there?

[Caller]

Yeah, I'm here.

[John Holmberg]

All right, you're on with Afion crockety. Solving the world's problems. Go ahead.

[Caller]

Hey, how's it going? All right, so I'm 50 years old. My girl is 42.

[Afion Crockett]

Good.

[Caller]

We have a kid together and stuff. But it's like, I want her to be a lot freakier. And she's like real button down, conservative.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Caller]

So I don't know what to do about that.

[Afion Crockett]

Was there ever a moment when she was freaky? When y' all met, was she ever freaky and then she kind of switched up after the kid? Or was she always like that and your dumb ass knew it and still went for it? Still went for it?

[Caller]

Well, no, she. She was kind of freaky. She wasn't like, like freaky, freaky butt, but she'd get down and now it's like she. She just wants to like, I don't know, just do it normal and somebody else.

[Unknown Guest]

He's going through a midlife.

[John Holmberg]

No, no, I'll read between the lines. Do it normal means the butt's out of play. Yeah, it used to be sort of like a birthday, Christmas thing.

[Afion Crockett]

I picked up something else.

[John Holmberg]

What do you got?

[Afion Crockett]

She's smashing somebody else.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, is that possible?

[Caller]

No, no, no.

[John Holmberg]

Why is that not possible? Yeah, of course not.

[Afion Crockett]

My girl, not mine.

[John Holmberg]

You haven't seen my glizzy. No, no, no.

[Caller]

She's a stay at home mom and she's always home with the kids and stuff. So she really.

[Afion Crockett]

Have you met the mailman?

[Caller]

She would have to be a magician. Who. It could be. Maybe.

[Afion Crockett]

Here's what I'm saying.

[Caller]

My son is. My son is a pretty big kid and I'm not.

[Afion Crockett]

Don't, don't be, don't be fooled by the stay at home mom thing. Right. How. How many hours are you out of the house per day?

[Caller]

About 12.

[Afion Crockett]

Oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Plenty of time.

[Afion Crockett]

Glizzy Town. She's going to Glizzy Town with somebody Else. And by the time you get to her, she's wore out.

[Unknown Guest]

So she's got a bucket of glizzy.

[Afion Crockett]

She is like, all right, you go, I'm gonna lay down on my back.

[John Holmberg]

You know what, though?

[Afion Crockett]

Do what you do.

[John Holmberg]

Let me find the silver lining. Silver lining is she is freaky. You're getting your wish. She is completely freaky. Just not when you're home.

[Afion Crockett]

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Afion Crockett]

Yeah. Sean. Here's the thing, Sean, you may not know this, but women get freakier as they get older. This is the thing. They get. They get better with age. Okay? So you. You did something wrong. I don't know what you did. You. You pissed her off. You neglected some things she bone in the Amazon delivery guy.

[John Holmberg]

That's exactly it. I think he's right.

[Afion Crockett]

She ain't ordered nothing off Amazon in three years.

[John Holmberg]

Sean, let me ask you this. When you say you want her to get freaky, what's, like, top of the list? Like, what's the thing? You're like, this will be the first.

[Afion Crockett]

Yeah. What's missing off the menu?

[John Holmberg]

What's. Yeah. Why don't you get.

[Caller]

I don't know, maybe a threesome or.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, that's easy. The Amazon guy shows up at 3. You should just come home early one day.

[Caller]

There you go.

[Afion Crockett]

I don't think that's a threesome. He had it.

[John Holmberg]

I don't either.

[Afion Crockett]

He wants the one glizzy per. The one Glizzy Max.

[John Holmberg]

So you'd like to bring another one of her. Here's another. Now, there's new new rules. So you've got your eye on someone else, and you want to bring her in and not get in trouble.

[Afion Crockett]

Yeah, Sean's the problem. He wants too much.

[Caller]

Just bring someone home.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, you want her to go get a like. Well, she's sitting around doing nothing with the kids all day. So you think she can't be cheating on you, but you think she's got enough time in the day to go pick up a girl?

[Afion Crockett]

Right? Your expectations. Your expectations are not realistic.

[Caller]

Yeah, Sean, they're not at all.

[Afion Crockett]

Yeah, you're the problem.

[John Holmberg]

All right, well, I guess the Cosby solution is all you've got left. All right, good luck. Sean. She ain't gonna get free with him. She's already doing. I think you're right. All right, try another one. One more. Joe is on the line. Joe, what's wrong with your life? And let a fe on Crockett fix it.

[Caller]

Yo, what's going on, guys? So I Got this unique situation here. I. I had a good job, right. That was making good money. Went to court with. With my baby mama and they. She tried to get. I lost that job. She tried to get me to get pinned on for that. That income. She recently just lost her job, and now she's trying to get me to let go of all the child support that she now owes because she made too much money. What would you do?

[Afion Crockett]

Wait, run that back?

[John Holmberg]

She.

[Unknown Guest]

So he had the money and she was tapping his income, but he lost his support.

[Afion Crockett]

You lost his job.

[Unknown Guest]

Yeah, she got a good job. Now it's reversed around. So she's paying you, but now she.

[John Holmberg]

Just lost her job, right?

[Caller]

Yeah, exactly.

[Afion Crockett]

When you lost your job, she was trying to tax you and still make you pay.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Afion Crockett]

And now she's trying to weasel out of her obligations now, Right?

[Caller]

Exactly, exactly.

[Afion Crockett]

Legally, she's obligated to pay you.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Afion Crockett]

So if she's trying to now butter up and rub on your glizzy, he's saying, come on, just, let's just let it go for now. Nah, keep that same energy as what we say in the black community. Keep that same energy you had when I lost mine and you wanted all the money. Now you lose your little job. Pay me. Pay me what you owe me. Keep that same energy.

[Caller]

Hell yeah. And on top of that, she even threw it in my face that she would always make more money with her job than she. Than I'd ever make with mine.

[Afion Crockett]

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

[Caller]

How much money is she making now?

[Afion Crockett]

You know, exactly zero.

[John Holmberg]

He's got. You gave him the energy. Did you hear that?

[Afion Crockett]

He rode up. Yeah. Point to your glizzy. But how much money you're making now, huh? What are you talking about?

[John Holmberg]

Over here.

[Afion Crockett]

Go, go. Full on Joe Pesci on the son.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Get yours.

[Afion Crockett]

Hey, what are you talking about over here, huh?

[John Holmberg]

Are you, Are you. Are you currently still doing stuff with her, though? No.

[Caller]

No. It's been some years.

[John Holmberg]

You guys hate each other.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[Afion Crockett]

Do you have some new joints? You have some new joints in the lineup?

[Caller]

Working on something. Working on something, man. She listens, though, so she might be. She might be honest right now. You know what I'm saying?

[John Holmberg]

She's listening. She understands your situation. It's kind of unique. So she's.

[Afion Crockett]

He's laying next to her.

[John Holmberg]

He can't say a lot.

[Caller]

I'm out here, I'm out here cutting out people's water. Ain't paying the bills, man.

[Afion Crockett]

Oh, okay. Oh, so you got. There you go. Go to your ex's house and cut off the water.

[John Holmberg]

There you go. She's not paying her bills. Cut the water.

[Afion Crockett]

Cut the water. She gonna walk around here stank and sweaty in this hot. Listen, cut the water off.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. You can provide, like, her. Her cleanliness or her swamp ass. It's all up to. You're like. You're like Gandalf right now with that little pole. You use.

[Caller]

Gandalf?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Close her down. You're like a wizard. You can make this woman stink. I like that. Good luck to you.

[Afion Crockett]

Disclaimer. I'm not a licensed therapist. Everything I've said is only opinion and meant for entertainment purposes only.

[John Holmberg]

He's chatgpt. Don't worry about it. All right. Thank you. Thanks, Joe. We'll see you. There you go. See, look at you. If you're fixing the world, There you go. And you do that sometimes in the crowd when they start talking to you.

[Afion Crockett]

No, I do it. I open up my shows. Every. Every show I. I open up for Q and A. Yeah. And we talk about relationships. I fix people's life live. So show up tonight.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Afion Crockett]

Tomorrow, Saturday. Stand up live.

[John Holmberg]

Bring a problem.

[Afion Crockett]

It's going down.

[Caller]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

It'll work out. It's beautiful.

[Afion Crockett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Is there any. What impression do you do that you wish was more famous? That was more, like a thing. You're like, man, I worked on this, and it's really good.

[Afion Crockett]

Maya Angelou.

[John Holmberg]

Because you're my Angelou.

[Afion Crockett]

As soon as I started doing it, a bunch of copycats sprung up.

[John Holmberg]

Hilarious. Yeah. Nobody should. Yeah, nobody should copy your Maya Angelou.

[Afion Crockett]

No, they should leave it alone.

[John Holmberg]

But.

[Afion Crockett]

But it is what it is. It's all love. Yes. Maya, Maya, Maya. A grown man should not be able to do my voice, but he is. He's doing it. He's doing it well. He's doing it like a phenomenal woman. Phenomenal woman. Hey.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's great. And it's hard to, like, push that on to people saying, you don't know how good that is.

[Afion Crockett]

Yeah. What are you gonna say? Is it a party conversation? Like, yeah, you know. You know, I got a good. A great mind.

[John Holmberg]

I got a good mind.

[Afion Crockett]

I got a killer Maya Angelou impression. What are you doing after this?

[John Holmberg]

It's not moving, though.

[Afion Crockett]

Let's go get some food and let me drop this mayo.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And not a lot of women who would be impressed by that are really the ones that are gonna go jump right into bed.

[Afion Crockett]

Yeah. I don't know.

[John Holmberg]

I'm not sure the Maya Angelou feminist is the one that's going to really enjoy that.

[Afion Crockett]

To the point. I'm willing. I'm willing to try.

[John Holmberg]

Always try it. Afion Crockett at Stand Up Live tonight, tomorrow and Saturday. Leave us with words of wisdom. What do you got? You already done enough.

[Afion Crockett]

I've done enough?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I think that's it. Those are your words of wisdom. I've done enough.

[Afion Crockett]

I've done my job.

[John Holmberg]

I shall fight no more forever.

[Afion Crockett]

Cut the water off.

[John Holmberg]

That's a beautiful thing. Eight feeling Crockett, everybody. It's 98.

[Afion Crockett]

Hey, it's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fee. I have heard enough of this.

[John Holmberg]

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