07-25-25 - New Term Outercourse For Naked Sex w/o Penetration Has Us Wondering How The Bible Would Explain Jesus And Mary BO

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Episode Summary: July 25, 2025

Podcast Information:

• Title: Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona
• Host/Author: 98KUPD | Hubbard Radio
• Description: Holmberg's Morning Sickness on 98 KUPD is Arizona's #1 Morning Radio Show. John Holmberg attempts to entertain, question, and disturb as many listeners as possible with assistance from Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, and Dick Toledo. Tune in or log onto 98KUPD (97.9fm, the 98KUPD app or www.98kupd.com) weekdays 5:30a-10a.

Episode: July 25, 2025
Title: New Term Outercourse For Naked Sex w/o Penetration Has Us Wondering How The Bible Would Explain Jesus And Mary BO
Release Date: July 25, 2025

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Introduction to Outercourse and Virgin Pregnancy

The episode dives into the controversial and often misunderstood topic of outercourse—sexual activities that stop short of penetration. The hosts explore the plausibility of virgin pregnancy through outercourse, sparking a blend of humor and serious contemplation.

Key Discussion Points:

• Definition and Practices of Outercourse: The hosts define outercourse and discuss its prevalence, especially among teenagers post-prom season.
• Virgin Pregnancy Case Study: They recount a hypothetical scenario where a 15-year-old girl, claiming to be a virgin, discovers she is pregnant. This raises questions about the effectiveness of outercourse as a method of birth control.

Notable Quotes:

• Bert: "A girl went to this is final. It's post prom season... outercourse yet our course. Once you've had outer course a million times. I don't know that ever had outer course." (02:00)
• John Holmberg: "Did she get tested?" (04:19)

Humorous Biblical Analogies

The conversation takes a humorous turn as the hosts speculate on how biblical figures like Jesus and Mary might have engaged in outercourse, blending modern humor with ancient narratives.

Key Discussion Points:

• Jesus and Mary BO: The hosts joke about the possibility of Jesus being conceived through outercourse, suggesting alternative interpretations of biblical stories.
• Role of Religious Convictions: They discuss how religious beliefs might influence perceptions and practices surrounding outercourse and virginity.

Notable Quotes:

• John Holmberg: "You also walk on water." (03:05)
• Bert: "That's what happened over there. A lot more interesting what's going on in Congress. That's for damn sure." (09:40)

Teen Pregnancy and Personal Anecdotes

The discussion shifts to personal anecdotes and broader societal issues related to teen pregnancy, highlighting the challenges and societal perceptions faced by young parents.

Key Discussion Points:

• Handling Teen Pregnancy: The hosts share exaggerated and humorous takes on how teens might handle unexpected pregnancies, including parental reactions and societal stigma.
• Impact on Personal Lives: They explore how a teenage pregnancy could alter the life trajectories of the individuals involved, often in a comedic light.

Notable Quotes:

• Bert: "I'm gonna shoot you in the face right now, so this better be gay." (24:47)
• Sean: "I'm proud of you." (19:15)

Institutional Commentary and Social Critique

The hosts offer a critique of institutional responses to teen pregnancy, particularly focusing on religious institutions and their role in supporting or failing young parents.

Key Discussion Points:

• Church Hypocrisy: They criticize religious institutions for their hypocritical stances, citing examples of youth pastors involved in scandals.
• Lack of Support Systems: The conversation touches on the inadequacy of support systems like daycare centers in schools to assist teen parents.

Notable Quotes:

• Bert: "They put out. Use Father Dale's right hand. That whole place was so corrupt and disgusting." (23:03)
• Sean: "They put out. Use Father Dale's right hand." (23:03)

Conclusion and Final Thoughts

As the episode winds down, the hosts reflect on the absurdity and seriousness of the topics discussed, blending humor with genuine concern over the issues surrounding outercourse and teen pregnancy.

Key Discussion Points:

• Balancing Humor with Serious Topics: The hosts navigate the fine line between making light of sensitive subjects and acknowledging their real-world implications.
• Call for Open Dialogue: Implicitly, the episode encourages listeners to engage in open and honest conversations about sexual health, consent, and responsibility.

Notable Quotes:

• Bert: "I can say that without any knowledge of whether or not that's actually true because it never happened." (07:10)
• John Holmberg: "What?" (07:49)

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Conclusion: This episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness provides a blend of humor and critical discussion on outercourse and its implications, both biologically and within societal and religious contexts. Through personal anecdotes and humorous biblical analogies, the hosts engage listeners in a conversation that is both entertaining and thought-provoking.

Transcript

[John Holmberg]

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[Brady]

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[Bert]

Hey, you're listening to the Best of Holmberg's Morning Sickness. I Frank Caliendo, by the way. Hey folks. John, man, you're blah blah blah blah blah. Back to the Best of Holmberg's Morning Sickness. The Best of.

[Sean]

Did I say that?

[Bert]

I don't know.

[Sean]

I didn't pay attention.

[Bert]

And then another thing I saw on the news yesterday and Brady, you might have this one in the Brady Report coming up and I'm going to wreck it. A girl went to this is final. It's post prom season, so this is probably happening a lot. Outer course yet our course. Once you've had outer course a million times. I don't know that ever had outer course. Anybody wanted to do that with me. That's where you just rub it up against the thing. Dry humping kind of. But there's pants off. Pants off. Dry humping. If you were dry humping with pants off, that is a new power as strong that I don't have. I don't know.

[Toledo]

Did you do that?

[Bert]

I've done it with pants off. Not me.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, done it with pants on.

[Bert]

God damn it, man. That's. Ow. Ow.

[Sean]

You find a way, man.

[Bert]

Was it just cause you finished so fast? That wasn't the intention.

[Toledo]

It was like, oh, are we done? Wasn't that my special purpose? I need a nap and a sammy.

[Bert]

In that order. You guys went pants down and still did it without.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Oh, how. That's impossible.

[Sean]

That's religious conviction.

[John Holmberg]

You also walk on water.

[Bert]

I was gonna say, Jesus would have dinged that bra. There's. I can't. I can't hold back. I gotta. That's impressive.

[Toledo]

We're not doing it.

[Bert]

Yeah, yeah, but you got her pants down and you still rubbed up on it for a while, and that was okay in the eyes of the Lord.

[Sean]

That's okay for me, like, right. I'm okay with that.

[Bert]

Because in my brain I'd have been like, look, I've taken it this far. I've already screwed this up. I'm going in. Christ, I'm going in. Don't do it. Look, her pants are off. Outer course is what Brady does. Impressive. And a girl went to the doctor and sat down. She'd been feeling kind of cruddy. And the doctor's giving blood tests, said, you know what? Simple. You're pregnant. And starts giving her, like, paperwork on prenatal care. And she goes, I'm a virgin. My boyfriend and I are like. I don't know how old. They were, 15 or something. Like, I'm a virgin. This is crazy. Well, you're pregnant. Dude's pre stuff was so strong. What found its way in there? You know about outer course? They always warned you about that. That's real. She told the doc, I'm a virgin. So is my boyfriend. We're young and neither of us are ready for sex. Personally, I don't even want to do it.

[John Holmberg]

Did she get tested?

[Bert]

For what?

[John Holmberg]

Was she really the test? Yeah.

[Bert]

Was it intact is what you're. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Well, she said a couple days ago, I'm buying this. I was feeling really sick. Well, I think maybe she's a sound sleeper in the box of a.

[Toledo]

What? Pregnant from water?

[Sean]

Bro, we're religious.

[Bert]

She said, though, that very few women can get pregnant from outer course, but it's possible due to her vaginal anatomy. I don't know what that means, but it means it's. It's that thing on the Death Star, the 2 meter.

[Sean]

They didn't have to travel too far.

[Bert]

To land this one. Dude. He had the, you know, Michael Phelps of sperms. Yeah. They were on the diving board and they got all the way to the end of the pool.

[Sean]

That's what happened to my fraternity brother. I think he slipped. SD Douglas outer course injury.

[Bert]

Yeah. Huh? You get injured. That's easy to get injured on that. But just to have the.

[Sean]

Elizabeth.

[Bert]

Huh?

[Sean]

Elizabeth was her name.

[Bert]

Oh, gosh, you're gonna make me sick with this story. This has nothing to do with outer course.

[Sean]

Well, their outer course, it got heated. You know, they weren't naked or anything, but started to dry hump.

[Bert]

And he bent it, didn't bend it.

[Sean]

She basically took one of the nads and put it up in his.

[Bert]

Why are you talking about this?

[Sean]

This is nothing to do with his bag. And his con ad went up in that pocket.

[Bert]

Come on. Dislocated N. I don't know why he's telling us this.

[Sean]

Because he had to go to the hospital with 103 temperatures.

[Bert]

This is disgusting. Stop it. Nothing to do with a man's balls.

[Toledo]

Don't feel well.

[Bert]

Getting kicked in the nuts and having outer courts or two different things making everybody sick. Just a warning, a PSA to all you guys out there.

[John Holmberg]

If you're gonna do it, do it.

[Bert]

Yeah. If you're gonna do it, jab it in there. And to the ladies out there, doctors can tell. Zip it. But evidently that thing they told you in 8th grade is real outer course. It's a big deal.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know if I'm buying it still.

[Sean]

That's a virgin birth.

[Bert]

Maybe that's what Joseph Mary are up to.

[Sean]

Or the second coming. The beast is in there.

[John Holmberg]

The reincarnation.

[Bert]

Oh, that could be. That'd be awesome. But maybe the new Joseph. All Joseph. Just let me just tap it up against there.

[Toledo]

Stop.

[Bert]

No, no, we won't do it all the way. I'm not. It's not gonna be Penetrate penetrative pen. I'm not gonna go in. I'm gonna tap you with it.

[Toledo]

But you know, there's a thing. I can still get pregnant that way.

[Bert]

Man, it smells. This pre Jesus hygiene is brutal. You know what? I'm gonna put it away. I don't. Damage is done. So now you're. Now changed the Bible. Joseph and Maryland. I'm just gonna lean it on there.

[Toledo]

Stop. You're ridiculous.

[Frank Caliendo]

You're dangerous.

[Bert]

I'm gonna put it up against you. Stop it.

[Toledo]

We're not married.

[Bert]

I'm leaning it on you.

[Sean]

Add that one to health class and.

[Bert]

Then talk a little bit about outer course. And then Harrison Butler can go to school. And then when the Joseph leaned his mighty wang against Mary's thing. But didn't penetrate. They had outer course and Jesus was born. It's a more believable story. That would be great if the Bible said that they dry humped once and she somehow got knocked up. Still intact, though.

[Sean]

What is this Hebrew word?

[Toledo]

You're bad, Joseph. Stop it.

[Bert]

Let me just lean it up against it.

[Toledo]

Stop it. Some terrible skin I have. God's watching.

[Bert]

I don't care. I'm gonna lean it on there. Let me lean it. Stop.

[Toledo]

Does feel good. I don't feel right.

[Bert]

I don't think you're pregnant from the lean, are you? All the other broads I've been banging aren't pregnant. What? Ah, great. I got the Virgin Mary. Awesome. Gotta hand it to Joseph. Better man than Toledo's dad. Stuck around, got that news from a virgin, and he stayed.

[Toledo]

I'm pregnant.

[Bert]

Bull.

[Toledo]

I'm pregnant.

[Bert]

Huh?

[Toledo]

I need you to stay.

[Bert]

And then he realized, I'll stay at three more months with this bitch. I'm leaving. And then the baby came and they got all sorts of presents. I'm not going anywhere. It's like being married to Oprah.

[John Holmberg]

He was the original Stedman.

[Bert]

He was. Joseph was the original Steadman. He had to have it in. His friends were like, what are you sticking around for, dude? She's averted. She's pregnant, you dumbass. Come on, guys. Good girl. I leaned it up against it. He's pregnant. God did this. Oh, man. This is the worst lie I've ever. I've never heard a dude buy more crap in my life. I'm staying. And then, you know, I'll Steve Nash it. If it comes out looking like Jesus, I'll know and then I'll leave. But then the present showed up and he's like, oh, I could live in a guest house. This is good.

[Sean]

Yeah, you got gold.

[Bert]

Yeah. Now I like the Bible story. I've come up with better outer course. That's what. That's what happened over there. A lot more interesting what's going on in Congress. That's for damn sure.

[Sean]

So weird.

[Bert]

And all the emails of people like, I'm on the left because the right. I know. I don't want to hear from your emails about why you've sided with one or the other. I get it. I get why you're leaning one way or the other. But can you really be proud of it? That's the question. Even people who like aoc. I think the only people that like her are her. Her group, where she's from, like, what part of Washington Heights? Yeah, I Think that's it.

[John Holmberg]

The bar that she works at.

[Bert]

She's in Washington Heights in New York. And I think they're all her. I think it's a whole city of her. I've watched the movie Washington Heights. There's a section of people in that movie that are all aoc.

[Toledo]

Don't go over to your house.

[Bert]

You get over my house. Rosie Perez is a congresswoman. And Marjorie Taylor Greene does have a man's body. I mean, they're not wrong. But think, Brady, in your next life, you're actually gonna penetrate the girl. That is. I've never heard of that kind of palette.

[Sean]

Had a scare too, from outer Court because of that. That was the thing like. Oh, it could find its way.

[John Holmberg]

She wasn't laid or anything.

[Bert]

You were soaking it.

[Sean]

No, no soaking. It was outer cos with.

[Bert]

Okay. I'm saying at the end, clothes on, shorts. But you would be like coating it like you Earl Shiver.

[Sean]

Someone get. Someone get on her clothing or her underwear.

[Bert]

Wait a minute. Where's the underwear? You said your pants were off. Everything's off.

[Sean]

No. Well, at times, but sometimes not.

[Bert]

Well, I'm talking about the times that it was all.

[Sean]

I'm saying they were on this time.

[Bert]

You know, shorts this time. I'm talking about. How many times were they off?

[Sean]

Thousands.

[Bert]

No, no. How many times was it off like that? You went no pants. And she went, no pants. You guys are naked. You had a couple of those, though. That's the strength we're talking about. If you kept your underwear on, that's nothing. Yeah, but if you went full and then. So at the end, you know, you Krispy Kreamed it, you gave her. You coated it.

[Sean]

Oh, more or less.

[Bert]

No kidding. Well, that's why you had the scare.

[Sean]

Scare was with clothes on.

[Bert]

Oh, good Lord, man.

[John Holmberg]

Thank you, Joseph Bogan.

[Toledo]

And you've been Josephed late.

[Sean]

And it was. It was one week. Like it was a miracle birth. She's like, I think maybe.

[Bert]

Oh, she was just a little bit scared. Yeah, some got up there. Well, and you felt a little bit manly there. Did you leave her house like you do work late?

[Toledo]

It's how he always walks away. It's. It's his thing.

[Bert]

Wow, that's a powerful thing.

[Sean]

I just left, you know, it was like a tip. I threw a couple of Kleenex at her.

[Bert]

See you later. Just the tip.

[Toledo]

What's this unmarked bottle?

[Bert]

That's my sauce.

[Toledo]

You'll see someday. Now I got two batches of my sauce. Congrats.

[Bert]

Wow. And then you got that Call.

[Toledo]

I think I might be pregnant.

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Late. You had to be a wreck. That had to kill you.

[Sean]

Thought, oh, my gosh.

[Bert]

Oh, yeah.

[Sean]

Five days.

[Bert]

Oh, my gosh.

[Sean]

Five days in hell.

[Bert]

I don't think she'd know in five days. I don't think that's a possibility.

[Sean]

No, she was. That's late. She was late.

[Bert]

Oh, I see. Okay. I was gonna say five days later. You can't know you're pregnant. That's impossible. Holmberg's morning sickness.

[John Holmberg]

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[Byron]

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[John Holmberg]

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[John Holmberg]

Sounds simple. That's why I always go to mmpguns.com.

[Frank Caliendo]

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[John Holmberg]

Can we start giving Pop Pop the same drugs they're pumping Sleepy Joe with? Because this is going off the rails.

[Bert]

Let's give Pretty some Sleepy Joe. Steroids.

[Toledo]

Once I was dry humping abroad and I squirted. She got pregnant. There's a pregnant lady. I don't know what's going on.

[Sean]

Breaking news. Scotty Scheffler is gonna make it.

[Bert]

All right. That's all you care about.

[Toledo]

Squirting, dry humping. So I had Hunter, I said on.

[Bert]

The couch cushions, and Jill sat on.

[Toledo]

It, got in there, Alpha Biden Squad, Puerto Rican.

[Bert]

And out came aoc. Yeah, I want to watch more. If C Span had more of those fights, I'd watch and dry hump. I am fascinated by that brain. I didn't have that. If a girl wanted to get to that point where her pants came off, I was not strong enough to. That's a rough one. Pretty sure, that's probably true in your case too. I never.

[John Holmberg]

With clothes.

[Bert]

No girl's pants going off. It was going somewhere. And I can say that without any knowledge of whether or not that's actually true because it never happened. Nobody wanted to do most of the time. Ever. Pants were off. I was nowhere near the. I was like a five mile radius. I had like vaginal restraining orders I didn't even know about.

[Toledo]

I love you so much right now, Sean. Where's John Holmberg? Is he within five miles?

[Bert]

I don't know. His nose is close.

[Toledo]

Well, it's always close. If he's within five miles, I'll take my pants off. Otherwise I don't even want to risk it.

[Bert]

Yeah, I was. I was. I was walking. Chastity belt. Girls were locking it up. Meanwhile, Brady's down there doing naked rub downs and man, I'm impressed. I'm impressed. And then how did she find out? She just started. She just had her. Her cycle showed up. Yeah, showed. You got. How long were you. Did you tell your parents? No. How long were you going to wait for that? If it did happen? How many days went by if you.

[Sean]

Just in pure panic said, guess what? I'm pregnant.

[Bert]

You lost your mind when she said that.

[Sean]

Oh, she didn't say that.

[Bert]

She says I'm late.

[Sean]

When you'd say, yeah, she said I'm late.

[Bert]

That's saying I'm pregnant. Oh. What?

[Sean]

Well, no, but just because you're late doesn't mean you're necessarily.

[Bert]

Why would she even call you and say, think some got in there?

[Sean]

Yeah, because I'm late. So.

[Bert]

Right. That's pregnancy.

[Toledo]

Okay, I'm going.

[John Holmberg]

Whatever story I'd have been like, what?

[Bert]

What?

[Sean]

But that's what I was saying.

[Bert]

I go.

[Sean]

That doesn't mean. I know, you know, you're freaking out being late.

[Bert]

You can talk him out of it. But I'm saying that she was calling you to say she's late, not just because she wanted to let you know.

[Sean]

Her mental, like Danny from Caddyshack. Well, then we're gonna do the right thing.

[Bert]

Did you tell her you're gonna get married?

[Sean]

And get married?

[Bert]

Did you say that? No. Oh, God. How old were you? Like 17, 30, 16? Okay. Would you have married her? Oh, my God. Oh, my sweet Christ. Really? 16 year old?

[Sean]

I don't think so. As much as like, you know.

[Bert]

You think your folks would have put the heat on?

[Sean]

No.

[Bert]

What about her parents?

[Sean]

No, they would have been, you know, it would have been fine on either side.

[Bert]

I think it had Taken care of it, you know.

[Sean]

No.

[Bert]

Spright in a graham cracker?

[Sean]

I don't think so.

[Bert]

No. Yeah. What if she wanted to?

[Sean]

That's up to her.

[Bert]

Oh, that's what I'm talking about. Good. Move strong. That's a strong stance.

[Sean]

I try to talk.

[Bert]

A safe answer.

[Toledo]

Please don't. No, keep it. I'll take care of it myself. Don't do this.

[Bert]

Really.

[Toledo]

I just don't want to carry it. Oh, God, you're breaking my heart. This is. This is awful. Please don't.

[Sean]

Like Willy Wonka. No, don't.

[Toledo]

It's your choice. Please don't. I implore you. I'm gonna do it, Freddy. Despite your incredibly weak demands. Please, please, please leave that baby inside.

[Sean]

Mom and Dad. I told her I wanted her to keep it. She's not.

[Bert]

Could you imagine how different your life would be?

[Sean]

A little different.

[Bert]

You'd have gotten married. I know you. You'd have gotten married at 16. Yeah, you would have or you would have. No, you'd have probably gotten married at 18. You'd have finished school and stayed together and the baby and the girl would have moved into your parents house. That would have happened.

[Sean]

Or.

[Bert]

Or. No, you're. You. You wouldn't move out. They're coming. You had all those strangers in your house all the time. This works out perfect. And some teen pregnant girl comes in that their son defiled. She'd have lived at your house.

[Sean]

Her dad would have bought us a house.

[Bert]

Was he loaded?

[Sean]

Yeah.

[Bert]

Oh, that's nice. So you two could start squirting the teen dream all over your own pad as juniors in high school. There is a little slut. Yeah. Did you ever have a scare?

[John Holmberg]

I think everybody has.

[Bert]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Sean]

Thing is so ridiculous. It was. You had clothes on.

[John Holmberg]

But mine wasn't with clothes on.

[Bert]

Mine wasn't either. Mine was real. Yeah. And I. Before she was done saying I'm late, I had fashioned a noose. All right, well, you do whatever you want. Your choice. I'm gonna make a choice on what I'm gonna do with my body too. And it's gonna dangle from something. I'm not doing this. Oh, I can't imagine telling Dan Holmberg your gay son just got a girl pregnant. What?

[John Holmberg]

He might have been pretty unhappy.

[Bert]

And then miserable. Hey, wait a minute. What?

[Sean]

I'm proud of you.

[Bert]

I'm glad you poked a girl. But God damn it, why didn't you do it your preferred way, in the butt?

[Toledo]

I don't. Dad.

[Bert]

I'm not. I know about you. You can't get him pregnant back there. And that's what I thought you liked. You must be a bottom. Worse.

[John Holmberg]

Could have called me Corey Taylor because I'd have a slipknot ready for my neck.

[Bert]

Man. I'm actually telling my dad I got a girl pregnant and he's. It devolves in him. Yeah, you're a bottom all right. You still worried more about me being gay anyway. Strange doings there, Brady.

[Sean]

That's a good reaction. Would have been what?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, he would have lost beating you stupid mother.

[Bert]

Yeah. Oh, it would have been similar at my house. I probably wouldn't have told my dad. I'd have gone to my mom. Oh, man. You know, I probably would have just kept it quiet, tried to handle it myself. Let's just say me and that girl would have been a lot of second stories. Staircase you go stand by the edge of that. Oops.

[Toledo]

Are you pushing me down the stairs again?

[Bert]

Your balance is remarkable. Yeah, I would have probably tried to talk her into it and then just paid. Hence I'd have sold stuff. No one would have known.

[John Holmberg]

I mean, mo money pawn, pawning off at V8, VHS.

[Bert]

And one of the worst things that could have happened. She wanted to like, keep it. And I had to tell people. Oh, oh, I'm too old to have these feelings right now. I'm having teen pregnancy feelings. It's horrifying.

[Sean]

How many do you think you had at Dobson when you were going there?

[Bert]

Me?

[Sean]

How many teen pregnancies happened?

[Bert]

Well, they used to move, right.

[Sean]

Most of the time.

[Bert]

So girls would disappear. And then we got some that showed up from Gilbert High School. Like a girl showed up from Gilbert High. Cute as can be too. And she shows up and. Wait a minute. Why you didn't move?

[Toledo]

No, I'm in the Gilbert school district.

[Bert]

Everybody loved her. That was before we knew she put out. But she got knocked up at Gilbert and came over to our school.

[Sean]

And that happened to the one that, you know, basically came over but lived with us.

[Bert]

Yeah. Went to another school.

[Sean]

And two weeks into going to high school, she told a guy there that he's the father. They started dating. He was already three months pregnant.

[Bert]

Oh, geez, this is awful. One of the high schools in Mesa has a daycare. What? I think one of them and that. And no, I'm not for sure it's Westwood. But it might. But it might be. I think one of them has a. It's Westwood. In fact, probably not Westwood. They don't need it because sometimes the mom and daughter are on the same chair Team right now, how it's going? It might be Skyline. Is that right? Yeah, way out. Way out east. Where all the. Yeah, that makes more sense. The. The Westwood. By the time they get to Westwood, their kids are like seven or eight. So they don't need a daycare at Westwood. They're in first grade, right? Yeah, they're in first. They're already in school. They're on the same schedule as mom. Yeah. Westwood babies are. They go. They're. You know, they can play in the same football team. They can do the Braun Bronny thing in Westwood. My dream is. What's that?

[Sean]

The Westwood baby reunion.

[Bert]

Oh, my God. It's insane. My dream is to play soccer with my son in high school. He will be a sophomore when I am a senior. You had him when I was 2. I know. I waited.

[Sean]

I was a late bloomer.

[Bert]

I got. You know, I didn't have many women when I was one. Yeah, Dobson was just a bunch of hypocritical St. Tim's people that would. I mean, in fact, their youth pastor knocked up one of our girls at school, and they both moved.

[Sean]

Touchdown, Timmy.

[Bert]

Yeah, they've done a few of those. I don't remember his name. Oh, I do actually remember his name was Phil, and he was screaming and yelling about the power of Jesus to all of us. And meanwhile, they're figuring out a plan to get his girlfriend to another school because he put a baby in it. Use Father Dale's right hand. That whole place was so corrupt and disgusting. Let's get a wake up song. What do you got over there, Burt? Man, my stomach spun with that whole memories of thinking I had to tell my dad that. You ever have those dreams where you didn't graduate from high school or like, something a long, long time ago, and you wake up like, oh, and all that anxiety is there. That conversation did it to me. Trying to tell Dan I got a girl pregnant.

[John Holmberg]

I probably wouldn't be here right now. Oh, I concede. It murdered me.

[Bert]

I can picture the house so perfectly, too. Like when I put it in my head and I go back to try to imagine telling Dan. Oh, he's cleaning his guns.

[Toledo]

Can we talk for a sec?

[Bert]

What is it, Twink?

[Toledo]

I got a girl pregnant.

[Bert]

You're the funniest kid in the world.

[Toledo]

No, no, I did.

[Bert]

No, no, really, you can't do that when you say girl. That's Mark Stebbings. He can't get pregnant. It's biologically impossible. You two twinks can't do that.

[Toledo]

Mark's not gay.

[Bert]

Enough already. Enough. You should take it on the road. You two, take your shirts off like your African refugees. I've never seen two boys with their clothes off. This off you clearly get.

[Toledo]

Well, anyway, I got a girl named Kim. Pregnant.

[Bert]

Kim. Asian boy I know. What happened here?

[Sean]

Great at video games.

[Bert]

Yeah, bring him over. We'll play some. Play some of that Colecovision you kids love so much, and we'll take a look at your little pregnant boyfriend.

[Toledo]

Dad.

[Bert]

I swear to God, if you got a girl pregnant, I'm gonna shoot you in the face right now, so this better be gay. It's out of control now.