08-18-25 - BR - MON - Teacher Drunk Drives Into Wall At Lunch Sparking Our Airplane Booze Bottle Debate w/Listeners - FLA Man Dressed As Jester Pulls Dagger On Man Mowing Lawn - PETA Wants Nintendo To Remove Cows Nose Ring

Summary

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Holmberg's Morning Sickness – Arizona’s #1 Morning Radio Show

Episode Date: August 18, 2025
Main Theme:
A comedic, occasionally biting review of the day's wildest stories—ranging from a teacher’s drunken escapade to an in-depth, oddly personal debate about airplane-sized booze bottles (a.k.a. “baby bottles”) and signs of hidden alcoholism, plus a parade of oddball news including a Florida man dressed as a jester, PETA versus Nintendo, bizarre viral clips, and more.
Hosts: John Holmberg (primary host), joined by Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, and Dick Toledo.

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Key Topics & Insights

1. Satan's Slow Burn & Everyday Analogies (01:15–02:00)

• Playful discussion about how Satan operates like subscription TV services—great deals for new recruits, but ignores the "longtime customers."
• Quote: “Satan is like DirecTV. They only care about the new members.”
  — John Holmberg (01:31)

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2. Fun Facts and Social Oddities (03:23–05:11)

• The government in Singapore runs programs to promote marriage and romance—Holmberg ribbing about government-operated incel speed-dating.
• Demographic talk: Governments want population growth for future taxpayers and economic reasons.
• Mascot trivia: Colorado Rockies’ mascot is a triceratops because dinosaur bones were found during stadium construction.

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3. Digital Age: Screen Time & Scrolling (06:17–08:03)

• Arizona tops the U.S. for most phone scrolling: residents “scroll” 115.44 miles per year—the equivalent of nearly 9 hours per day on screens.
• Quote: "That's a lot of scrolling... Number one. 115 miles?"
  — John Holmberg (06:46)

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4. The Teacher Drunk Driving Airplane Bottle Debate (08:03–18:57)

News Story:

A Florida middle school teacher is found passed out in his car after lunch, surrounded by empty airplane-size booze bottles.

Hosts’ Take:

• Holmberg launches an extended, humorous, and caustic debate:
  • Possession of even a single empty “baby bottle” of liquor in your car is a huge red flag: “You have a massive problem. And I mean, it is astronomical.” (08:54)
  • The only exceptions: just purchased at the liquor store, hidden in a golf bag, or in transit home after buying in bulk.
  • Using travel bottles to hide your drinking is peak alcoholic behavior: “Nobody had a minute. Well, deliveries don’t count... If you can see or reach an airplane bottle in your car, you got some problems.” (09:46–10:00)
• Listener Input: Floods of texts and emails from listeners sheepishly or defiantly defending little bottles (“damn it, Holmberg, I threw out six Fireball shots this morning” — listener via Brett @ 15:05).
• Classic Exchange:
  • Bret: “Goddamit, John, I feel seen. I have an empty pint bottle of vodka, a pint in my car.” (11:07)
  • Holmberg: “You’re Rick James. An empty pint in the car… there is no reason for that.” (11:13)
• “If you leave your house in the morning—keys, wallet, gum, Fireball shooter—you’re an alcoholic.” (18:57)
• They escalate accusations, making “alcoholic” a running joke and a competition in denial.

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5. Offbeat News Bites & The Florida Man Jester (23:12–24:32)

• A Florida man, enraged by lawnmower noise, dons a jester outfit, pulls a dagger, and threatens a neighbor's landscaper.
  • “He was also fully decked out in a jester’s outfit." (23:50)
  • “I would mow the grass every day, just to see that.” (23:54)

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6. PETA vs. Nintendo & Nose Rings in Video Games (25:03–26:15)

• PETA targets Mario Kart’s depiction of cows with nose rings, calling it animal abuse.
  • Hosts mock the complaint, calling for PETA to focus on real issues and poking fun at the absurdity.
  • “How does PETA go out of their way to make someone who loves animals so much make me want to be against them?”
    — John Holmberg (25:31)

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7. Volkswagen “Unlock Your Horsepower” Subscription Rant (20:01–22:36)

• Volkswagen is offering a subscription to unlock full horsepower on electric vehicles—an additional $20/month for 27 more hp.
  • John warns against modifying car software: his own experience with a “Pedal Commander” cost him $6,000 in repairs.
  • Quote: “It wrecked a lot of stuff. It made me drink tiny little bottles while I was driving...” (21:58)

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8. Other Weird & Wild News Flashes (27:07–29:11)

• Tragic: Russian Miss Universe killed by an elk crashing through her Porsche’s windshield.
• DIY FluMist vaccine gets approval.
• Beijing hosts World Humanoid Robot Games; hosts joke about malfunctioning, face-planting bots, and predict rapid future advancement.

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9. Humor, Shock, and “Too Real” Viral Clips (30:31–38:58)

• Parade of offbeat and NSFW viral videos: women with extreme lip fillers, botched bull-leaping in Spanish arenas, street oral sex, public indecency, mountain biking accidents, and a baffling “gut mouse” removal in an apparent makeshift surgery.
  • Classic Reactions:
    • “That’s not AI.” / “I’m impressed, though, because it’s getting to the point where nobody knows.”
      — John Holmberg, on real vs. AI-generated weirdness (33:09)
    • “That’s a real person midway through… That noise. Mannequin.” (34:18)
    • “Holy smokes. Yeah. The world’s coming to an end.” (38:58)
• Escalating disgust and incredulity at humanity’s oddities.
• Notable Quote:
  • “If you buy any of the alcohol that's at the desk as you're checking out of the liquor store... Why are you buying the little bottles?” (22:57)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “If you can see or reach an airplane bottle in your car, you got some problems. You got a massive problem. It’s like beyond most people’s problems. Like heroin addicts are like… dude, you need to stop.”
  — John Holmberg (10:00)
• Brett talking back: “Come on, John. They're right there like the candy bars at checkout.” (11:29)
• “If somebody says, ‘what are you, an alcoholic?’ and you go, ‘shut up, like you’ve never had a roadie’—Jesus Christ. He’s an angry alcoholic.”
  — John Holmberg (17:05)
• Poking fun at PETA: “Here’s the… I don’t know how PETA makes me hate animals.” (25:31)
• After describing the “gut mouse” surgery:
  “A. Why did you go that way to get the mouse out of your tummy? There’s obviously a way in... It didn't burrow.”
  — John Holmberg (39:13)
• After an especially wild series of stories and videos: “Yeah. Brady, no anesthesia next week. Just go in dry and try to get you out of this mess. You don’t need to stay anymore. You’ve been through enough.”
  — John Holmberg (39:03)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Satan/TV Companies Analogy: 01:15–02:00
• Govt. Matchmaking in Singapore: 03:25–04:14
• Arizona’s Scroll Addiction: 06:17–07:59
• Drunk Teacher/Alcoholism & Airplane Bottles Debate: 08:03–18:57 (main segment)
• Florida Man Jester Dagger Attack: 23:12–24:32
• PETA vs Nintendo: 25:03–26:15
• Volkswagen Subscription Horsepower Rant: 20:01–22:36
• Robot Olympics & AI Future: 29:01–30:29
• Gut Mouse (NSFW Viral): ~38:00–39:13

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Takeaways

• This episode is classic Holmberg: irreverent, rapid-fire, and uncomfortable truths hidden in humor.
• Deep-dive into “baby bottle” drinking sparked lively, defensive engagement from both hosts and listeners.
• A mix of local oddities, international weirdness, and viral internet insanity keep the laughs coming, even as the show winks at the world’s decline.
• The boundary between observational comedy and real concern (especially on hidden substance abuse) is both blurred and expertly played for maximum effect.

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Transcript

[Podcast Announcer]

You're listening to the HMS podcast brought to you by MMP Guns.com, your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories.

[John Holmberg]

It's John Holmberg here for the amazing people at the Core Institute. A very close friend of mine had his knee surgery at the Core. He's not going to be back on the court immediately, but in a few months time he will be. He's got some rehab in front of him and that's all you need to worry about. Get to work and get feeling better. Get rid of the pain. You've been living with the Core Institute celebrating 20 years because they've been changing people's lives for 20 years and you don't last that long unless you're. You're great. Stop living with your pain and say yes to the things you love to do. Again, go to the Core Institute dot com.

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[John Holmberg]

Holmberg's morning sickness.

[Wix Advertiser]

You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself.

[John Holmberg]

He's evil. Sitting right here. Come on.

[Geico Advertiser]

No, no, he's not evil. He's just a bit rude to you.

[John Holmberg]

Pt, A lot of emails about people with the Satan stuff and I think I turned one of them said, I never really thought of that. If Satan has all that power, why is he slow burn and just take over? Exactly what I've been saying for guy named Bruce. Yeah, if his plan is to 100 years from now to have it fine. Scott has emailed in and says Satan is like DirecTV. They only care about the new members. Yeah, it kind of seems that way. They don't really. They don't give the deals to the people who've been around for a long time. In Satanism it's always just, it's like phone companies. It's just the new deals.

[News Reporter]

Where's my Red Zone package?

[John Holmberg]

Why don't I get NFL Network for free? I'm switching, I'm cutting the cord. Ah, that's good stuff. Anyway, I don't understand the Satan thing either. There you go.

[Podcast Announcer]

This, this one here goes along with. It's coming up in the printer. Oh, and the printer's along with the song we just played for Tay.

[John Holmberg]

Tay, we've got paper. We're good. Here it comes. I think they put the printer in the least. Can you see the studio? The printer is like 14 miles behind me. I'll get it. So Eric, Eric Chilcott says, how did you miss the opportunity to correlate Iron Maiden's number of the beast with Taylor Swift's bust? 6. Waist. 6. Hips. S. 6. Yeah, she's a 6. 6. 6. There you go. Yeah, not a 36. 24. 36. But she's 666 as well. My God. Satan has hold of her. Her figure. Amazing. It's time now for Brady to give you all the news that only Brady knows. We call this the Brady Report is brought to you by allpro shade allprochade.com find a spot in your house that's outside that you're like, boy, we'd use this a lot more if it wasn't so directly sunny. Throw some shade on that. The good way, the old fashioned way. 20 years of them doing this is the best in the business. They've been doing it this long because they are really good at it. I'll give you that free estimate. Go out there, point out your area and they'll say, here's what we'll do. Beautify your home and enhance your property value. All pro shade.com Brady reported.

[News Reporter]

Good Monday morning to you, Phoenix.

[John Holmberg]

Hello, world. Hi.

[News Reporter]

Happy National Fajita Day. All right, couple of basic fun facts. Singapore has a government agency to promote marriage and romance, and it fosters opportunities for single singles to interact in social settings.

[John Holmberg]

Wait, it's just teaching government programs at all? A government program that takes you from being social incel like you're not a. You're a person who can't get a date so they put you in a room. Isn't that just love on the spectrum? Isn't that the same thing? Close speed dating. Government operated speed dating. If you wanted that, why do you need the government? Wouldn't you be? I guess they'll probably pay you if you get married. They'd be like, hey, if you go through our program and you actually get hitched, we'll give you some money.

[Brett]

That might be Dave Nash before that.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, but he's all about blowing the population up to like 100 billion. Interesting. I'm wondering why the government? I mean, I know that they want more people. That means more taxes. Nobody's really interested in the population being on the increase because of us. It's more taxes, it's more people for wars. It's more it's just more money up and down. It's just better for commerce if your population is going the right way. Plus it pays for the future. Most governments, like the United States especially, rely on the next generation to pay for the current dying generation. Like we are currently paying me for my dad's generation. The people behind me are going to pay for my. And we go lower, it means Alex.

[Brett]

Is paying for us.

[John Holmberg]

Oh no, no. We're all going to starve. Well, at least he can doordash us some stuff when the Alex apocalypse happens.

[Brett]

Too hard, dad? Not doordashing.

[News Reporter]

You know why the Colorado Rockies mascot.

[John Holmberg]

This one's too far. But I do.

[Podcast Announcer]

Like I know I had a printed angle.

[John Holmberg]

Vasquez. That's a good one. Sorry, say what?

[News Reporter]

Why the Colorado Rockies mascot is a Triceratops Dinger.

[John Holmberg]

Cuz they found it when they were doing the construction.

[News Reporter]

Yeah, they found a rib bone. Good of a dinosaur. They went with the triceratops.

[John Holmberg]

This is the most famous Dinger moment in mascot history. Dinger. Oh my God. Oh my God. We just apologized. Heard some horrible language. Doesn't belong anywhere on our broadcasts as far as I'm concerned. Totally agree. When you yell Dinger, not with a hard R, you yell that mascot Dinga. Dinga. You throw that hard R on it. People are getting offended. They announced it during a Rockies game because he thought he heard something else. Still hilarious.

[News Reporter]

A new study looked at how much people scroll on their phones and they converted the distance that you move through feeds into miles.

[John Holmberg]

So each scrolls like 3 inches.

[News Reporter]

According to their data, the state that scrolls the furthest.

[John Holmberg]

Like New Hampshire someplace.

[News Reporter]

Arizona.

[John Holmberg]

No kidding. We're. We're scrolling like crazy.

[News Reporter]

We scroll 115.44 miles a year.

[John Holmberg]

Number one. 115 miles.

[News Reporter]

Miles a year.

[John Holmberg]

So they're counting. Let's say you've got a Samsung.

[News Reporter]

Phoenix to Tucson.

[John Holmberg]

Okay, so we've got. I've got this. Which is the. I don't even know what, seven inches long. Yeah, I know that. For other reasons. And you just scroll up. So each time I do that, it's seven inches I'm moving. Yeah, that's how they're doing the math.

[News Reporter]

That also is the equivalent of almost nine hours of screen time per day.

[John Holmberg]

That also means they know too much about what's going on with your phone.

[Podcast Announcer]

Yep.

[News Reporter]

Washington is second at 108 miles. Kentucky third, 105 miles. And Missouri. Then New Mexico.

[John Holmberg]

It's a lot of scrolling. A lot of lot of.

[News Reporter]

On the bottom five. Kansas, Maine, Nebraska, Minnesota, Massachusetts.

[John Holmberg]

They scroll the least.

[News Reporter]

Yeah, but overall, the average American spends 6 hours and 35 minutes per day on screens.

[John Holmberg]

It's a lot. A lot of that going on.

[News Reporter]

Got a middle school teacher in Spring Hill, Florida facing charges after he apparently got drunk between classes, crashed his car into the fence of the school's parking lot.

[John Holmberg]

Where'd he go?

[News Reporter]

Campus police officer found the 32 year old English teacher passed out behind the wheel.

[John Holmberg]

Wait, he left for a little bit. Yeah, you can do that.

[News Reporter]

It happened around 11:45. I am so maybe he left, was able to take a little lunch.

[Brett]

He was caked before.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. This dude didn't start off sober. He didn't just go. He was a little bit tipsy and went to go get more.

[News Reporter]

They thought it was some kind of medical issue at first, but then they saw a bunch of single serving alcohol bottles.

[John Holmberg]

We had airplane bottles.

[News Reporter]

He's in a car.

[John Holmberg]

Like you're an alcoholic.

[News Reporter]

He refused to have his blood tested.

[John Holmberg]

Didn't need to at the hospital, but.

[News Reporter]

The cop noted that he smelled like alcohol.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. If you have. This is for all of you right now, and I'm going to hit you in the guts. If you're in your car right now and there's one empty or one full, just one airplane bottle of alcohol, you have a massive problem. And I mean it is astronomical. No grown up has little tiny bottles of alcohol in their car, Brett.

[Podcast Announcer]

No.

[Brett]

Unless you're coming from total wine.

[John Holmberg]

Right. Unless you just purchased some and you're taking them home. That's the only time. But an empty one, I don't think they're.

[Podcast Announcer]

Hope if you're taking them home, you're usually not getting the little travel bottles either.

[John Holmberg]

You're buying travel bottles for a party. It's very unique to have little tiny airplane bottles. It's very.

[Brett]

You had like a gross of a monster.

[John Holmberg]

Not in the car.

[Brett]

Somebody did.

[John Holmberg]

Nobody had a minute. Well, they have to deliver them. Deliveries don't count. You know what I'm talking about. You're on your way to work and you have a couple airplane bottles nearby. Empty or full, it's over. Especially if they're empty in the car.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Podcast Announcer]

You fling them out the window while you're drinking.

[John Holmberg]

Exactly.

[Podcast Announcer]

What's wrong with these people?

[John Holmberg]

That's right. Jesus. You litter them. So when you get pulled over, there isn't like that's what I see on op live evidence. A couple empty bottles in there. Those. This isn't my car. It's like, oh boy. You fling them out the window. You have a Better chance may cry.

[Podcast Announcer]

A little bit, but it's fine.

[Brett]

Exactly.

[John Holmberg]

So Greta, Thberg gets our feelings. Then he threw out his little tiny plastic. Butters. Shut up, Greta. I was trying to get out of a dui. It was from two days ago. I forgot I was drinking in there. Yeah, little tiny airplane bottles are your go to. That means your wife or husband knows and you've got to keep it quiet. You can't go buy giant flasks and carry them around. If somebody thinks you're an alcoholic because you are.

[Brett]

Screw you, Homeberg. You know how well those things fit in my golf bag.

[John Holmberg]

Golf bags are different. In the car is not in the golf bag. Your golf bag in your car full of those. And you didn't drink them. They're rotten away anyway. It's a thousand degrees in there, so you're not an alcoholic. But if you can see or reach an airplane bottle in your car, you got some problems. You got a massive problem. It's like beyond most people's problems. Like heroin addicts are like. Dude, you need to stop.

[Brett]

God damn it, John. I feel seen. I have right now an empty pint, bottle of vodka. A pint in my car.

[John Holmberg]

What does that make me? You're Rick James. An empty pint in the car. Unless you're driving it to a recycling center. There is no reason for that. Do what Brett suggests and just chuck it out the window. Right?

[Brett]

Come on, John. They're right there to let the candy bars at checkout. If I buy a 12 pack and I get four airplane bottles with it, what am I doing? Just snacking.

[John Holmberg]

You're not snacking. Oh, you're not? Yeah. You're an alcoholic.

[News Reporter]

In vernon, Connecticut, this 40 year old man was at a playground and has those tube plastic slides, you know, he got stuck in the middle and it was pretty hot. It was middle of the day.

[John Holmberg]

Playground slide.

[News Reporter]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

How fat are you?

[News Reporter]

He wasn't that big. You can. But somehow he got stuck in there for over a half hour. You can't figure. Department had to release slide down further. Somehow he was going through that tube and he.

[John Holmberg]

Tube?

[Brett]

Isn't it just a hole in the ceiling?

[News Reporter]

It looks like he tried to fold himself up. Oh, there's the fire rescue team. You know they cut.

[John Holmberg]

Not a little tube.

[News Reporter]

They cut the midsection in order to get them out. Then they had to pry them out of there.

[John Holmberg]

That's just a lard ass. Okay.

[Brett]

Dumb Holmberg. You'd never had a pregnant wife. Those airplane bottles got me through, brother.

[John Holmberg]

Right? Alcoholism. I'm not saying it doesn't happen and you don't have reason for it, but it is alcoholism. Like Brett said, you don't go to total wine for the baby bottles unless you're trying to keep. Keep it from somebody. You don't buy baby bottles unless somebody's up your ass about how much you drink. Right? Because it's pockets, it's ins. I'll give you some tips in the toilet tank. This is where Homer used to hide his beers on the Simpsons. I used to laugh hysterically. He'd open one up and grab a beer out of there. And one allowed to have them in the fridge. You caught too much heat and you put. And you can put them in the medicine cabinet. I remember at Tony Romas, I went to a girl's house. I went to the bathroom. You always opened the medicine cabinet. It was mostly little tiny bottles of alcohol.

[Brett]

It was a. Not her parents house. Her apartment.

[John Holmberg]

Her apartment.

[Podcast Announcer]

At least it wasn't Valtrex or something.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, God, I have been to that too. And I wasn't even trying to get with her. It was. We were just having a little party. But I opened up her thing. I'm like, this chick's got a huge problem. Her name was Dana. A huge problem.

[Podcast Announcer]

Gotta go, Bumpy. I'm outta here.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, no, she wasn't the Valtrex one. Valtrex one was a different one. Sickness, magnitude. Can you.

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[John Holmberg]

Make it a Verbourg's morning sickness. And the weirder thing about Valtrex girl was she left it on her sink. I didn't know what it was at the time. I went and told my buddy James Pearman, and I said, hey, Pearman, she's got a thing on her. I think it's for like warts or something. He goes, what? He went in there. He goes, oh, yeah, she's got pills in the cabinet too. This girl's all over the place. Like, oh my God. And I don't think it was Valtrex at the time. It was like a. It didn't look like you bought it over the counter. It was one of those.

[Podcast Announcer]

Yeah, the great value version.

[John Holmberg]

It had like a medicine name on it, like Prehabaduplosapatin xl. And it was in one of those silver tubes that when you squeeze it it looks like it's crumpled newspaper. And it had been used up and the cap was all waxy. How you investigated. And from that day on, we knew. Yep.

[Brett]

Stay away.

[Podcast Announcer]

How'd she put out, Shannon?

[John Holmberg]

Head bumps.

[Podcast Announcer]

Man.

[Brett]

We hit the nerve with our audience.

[John Holmberg]

This morning because they're baby alcoholics.

[Brett]

Damn it, Homeburg. I threw out six fireball shots this morning. From the weekend to a day after.

[John Holmberg]

Work in your car. What's up?

[Podcast Announcer]

Jesus.

[News Reporter]

What's up?

[Brett]

What are you talking about?

[John Holmberg]

You're blowing up to me on this. What's up?

[Brett]

You don't take baby bottles full of liquor to football games.

[John Holmberg]

No.

[News Reporter]

Your kids football games.

[John Holmberg]

They serve it there.

[Brett]

God damn it. Those little bottles are cheaper. So if you are a drunk and broke and need a fix, it's cheap.

[John Holmberg]

What, football games? Yeah.

[News Reporter]

Your kids ufc?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And that's the only one. Brady's not wrong.

[Podcast Announcer]

You need a 750 at that point.

[John Holmberg]

High school.

[Brett]

You need a hand.

[Podcast Announcer]

Do a kids.

[News Reporter]

Yeah. Football game.

[John Holmberg]

I'm heading over seven five hand six. In your car right now. And you're blaming going to football games? There aren't any.

[Brett]

Those are two different texts.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, okay. I was gonna say I didn't differentiate.

[News Reporter]

Either way, but I like how you can find them.

[John Holmberg]

You shouldn't be. They serve alcohol at good football games.

[Podcast Announcer]

He's going to a kid's football, that's what.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, like, the only way to stock up is if you're still going to like, Pop Warner. Lighten up, John.

[Brett]

You're so hoity toity. You're saying you never had a roadie before?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I've had a roadie, but I've never, like, gone out of my way to have, like I said, within reach. A full. A refill or an empty in the car.

[News Reporter]

A roadie on the ready on his way in in the morning.

[John Holmberg]

And most of the time I'm going someplace I'm gonna drink.

[Podcast Announcer]

The roadie's in a Styrofoam cup. You're not doing shooter bottles.

[John Holmberg]

And roadies are also. Usually you've got, like, a driver. And we did it when we went to Metallica. We got that van and we stopped at a liquor store and we loaded up. Those were roadies. I didn't want the driver loading up.

[News Reporter]

It's after work, bro.

[John Holmberg]

I'm not even gonna get fired for. Yeah, you are.

[Brett]

Stop judging me. It's not why I listen to this show.

[John Holmberg]

This is all this anger is your alcoholism yelling at me? I've worked with this guy before. I know what this Is hey, you. And I'm not judging you. Go be an alcoholic. There's plenty of you. There's groups.

[Brett]

Don't kill anybody on the way.

[John Holmberg]

Hang out in a room. There's good coffee and free donuts.

[News Reporter]

Just making the point that if you.

[John Holmberg]

Have it, just letting you know. And if you. Okay, let's. Let's sub stack this a little bit. One little baby bottles, full or empty, within reach in your car. Alcoholic. 2. If you're angry about that. Alcoholic. If somebody says, what are you, an alcoholic? And you go, shut up like you've never had a roadie. Jesus Christ. He's an angry alcoholic.

[Brett]

Talk about I take baby bottles to the football game all the time.

[John Holmberg]

What am I supposed to do? I go to football games, I gotta have six, seven of these. Stop. What's up, bro? Are you powing? Are we gonna fight over your alcoholism? Stop calling me that. You call me an alcoholic, Brett? Alcoholic. Nah. See how easy it is? I'm not even angry.

[Brett]

Yeah, don't ask me how I know this, but in Tennessee it's completely legal for the passengers to drink as long as the driver is not okay.

[John Holmberg]

Then what do they need hider bottles for?

[Brett]

Right?

[Podcast Announcer]

I like that rule.

[John Holmberg]

This guy says, back off, F face. I have a box of wine securely fastened to my passenger seat and belted in, signed Bunny Bogan. They remember everything. Yes, they remember everything. Bunny likes the box wine. Thanks, Hunter. Yeah, I'm just saying, you got baby bottles. If you have a need for baby bottles, that means you hide your drinking. Yeah, that's what alcoholics do.

[Brett]

Time for an intervention.

[John Holmberg]

Right. If you can't get through your work day without a couple fireballs.

[Brett]

Two a day after work, bro.

[News Reporter]

Pick me up. It's my five hour energy drink.

[John Holmberg]

It's not. It's the opposite of energy. It is not.

[Brett]

I take turns wide and it clanks in my car.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, and I like drinking, too, but I don't have one in my pocket just in case things get hairy, that's alcoholism. If I start sweating or shaking and I have to reach in my pocket, good thing I came prepared. If you leave your house in the morning, keys, wallet, gum, fireball shooter, you're an alcoholic.

[News Reporter]

Does that do the white hands?

[John Holmberg]

He forgot your drinks. Oh, yeah. Thanks.

[Brett]

Does that dude's license plate read D N I A L?

[John Holmberg]

What is that Denial I see? Yeah, and usually your wife isn't handed to. She's the one that forced you into a lifestyle of baby bottles.

[Brett]

The one that drove you.

[John Holmberg]

She's the one who a she drove you to it, and then she told you she doesn't like how much you drink. So now you got to find ways around it. Baby bottles are for alcoholics also.

[Brett]

Homeburg. Not for nothing, but if you have to drink two fireballs after work, you're a pussy.

[John Holmberg]

Well, and now you're. Now there's real judgment. What's up, bro?

[Podcast Announcer]

I bet the empty pint in the car guy also listens to Slayer too. Now he's naked.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, he's an Indian. He's a native.

[Brett]

Look at Swipes.

[John Holmberg]

That is some passive aggressive racism right there. You're not wrong.

[Podcast Announcer]

But still, I get baby bottles. So there's no commitment to be a nasty alcoholic.

[John Holmberg]

How could you get yelled at by whoever you live with if they see real bottles?

[News Reporter]

Ugh.

[John Holmberg]

You people.

[News Reporter]

Volkswagen just debuted a new subscription plan for their electric cars.

[John Holmberg]

And when I say you people, I mean Indians.

[News Reporter]

They're making people pay extra to unlock a full amount of horsepower. It's only happening in the UK for right now, but the ID3 electric car has 228 horsepower. But if you pay the fee, which is about 20 bucks a month, you'll get that 228 horsepower. If not. Wait, it only has 201 horsepower.

[John Holmberg]

Who's doing this 27 horsepower through the computer stuff? Since I'll tell you this.

[News Reporter]

Volkswagen.

[John Holmberg]

Okay, I'll tell you not to do this for a reason. I had the pedal commander, which is a. An aftermarket thing you can attach to.

[Brett]

Your car or something.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah. And it basically takes your computer and amps up your horsepower. And it works. I will tell you. It absolutely works until it stops working. And then it just decides, I'm gonna drive for you.

[Brett]

What?

[John Holmberg]

And I was on the freeway and the car started going. I was on my way to Tactical Black. I had to call Jay. I'm like, I don't know what's going on. Car's doing what it wants, and I'm filming it. I took. My feet are off the gas. I was going 80 before I hit the brakes on the freeway driving Christine. Or I was driving Christine, and I hit the brakes and it would still fight. I'm breaking and I'm like, oh. And then it would stop. I'm like, okay. Then it just. So these. You toy around with this stuff. The computer gets confused. I have. And on the heels of that, my Jeep is right now at a dealership because of that. They told me a while ago, you did some damage with that thing. It jacks around with your whole. It's $6,000 I gotta replace. Oh, yeah, a lot. Because of that.

[Podcast Announcer]

Volkswagen's turning into a streaming service. Yeah, it's like it's a la carte everything.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[News Reporter]

There's also an option of paying a one time fee of $880.

[John Holmberg]

Don't do it.

[News Reporter]

Volkswagen says the option keeps it unlocked even if you sell the car.

[John Holmberg]

Don't mess around with the computer. The way it's set up, it just causes nothing but trouble. Your car gets confused and it wrecks parts. It seems like a good idea to get a little more horsepower. And trust me, that pedal commander in sport mode, I don't know what we jumped up to, but it was probably close to a hundred more. It was hard to control the car because you're just not used to that kind of jump. But it wrecked a lot of stuff. It made me drink tiny little bottles while I was driving and left the car. I just let. Suddenly I had a Tesla. It was doing. It was driving itself. I tried to set the cruise control. Every light on the dash went, no, we don't know what that is anymore. We're doing what we want.

[Brett]

John. When they make it like candy, I mean, I like a little peanut butter, whiskey and some chocolate or 99 bananas and I'm full alcoholic, but 99 bananas.

[John Holmberg]

That'S that stuff at the desk.

[Podcast Announcer]

Some taste buds.

[John Holmberg]

That's the one with the fruit on the. And they're like the dollar.

[Brett]

It's like 100 proof.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, 99 bananas, that's.

[News Reporter]

You make bananas foster.

[John Holmberg]

All right, you buy anything? All right, you calm down. We got to keep you away from that stuff. If you buy any of the alcohol that's at the desk as you're checking out of the liquor store. You're an alcoholic, you're already at a liquor store. Why are you buying the little bottles?

[News Reporter]

We got a Florida man who was upset. Landscaper mowing the neighbor's lawn, making too much noise. The guy, his Name's Anthony Marzola, 51 years old. He was upset at the noise. He went to his car, pulled out a dagger, and went after the guy on the standing mower. Guy's name was Brian Hanson, not sure we know him. Went there with a dagger and he threatened to take his life unless he stops cutting the grass, making too much noise. He's charged with aggravated assault. Oh, and by the way, he was also fully decked out in a jester's outfit.

[John Holmberg]

Came over as a court jester. Yeah, I would. I would mow the grass every day.

[News Reporter]

Two together. Well, he Just left the Ren Fair.

[John Holmberg]

He worked at Bobby McGee's.

[News Reporter]

He's wearing a jester outfit in the middle of the day. It's likely it's a get up that's related to the operation that he's the manager of the psychedelic jester smoke shop. Probably at St. Petersburg.

[John Holmberg]

Pretty good detective work there.

[Brett]

They had him out front like the Statue of Liberty during tax time.

[John Holmberg]

So he kept the mask on too because court justice wear the big hat with the bells on.

[News Reporter]

Oh, yeah. He's got the whole. If you look at the guy, he looks like a jester to begin with. Even outside the I demand you stop.

[John Holmberg]

Playing this game with your lawnmower. Nobody loves that Charlie in the box. You look like Charlie in the box from the island of Misfit Toys. I would have my lawnmower going 24 hours a day and I'd have friends come out. Hey, Brett, come here. What? You're gonna mow the grass with me? Sounds terrible. I'm not doing. No, no. Wait till you see what happens. Oh, what is this cacophony? Ding, ding ding, ding, ding, ding, ding ding ding. Thief. What you're doing? The jester's out. I told you this would be awesome.

[News Reporter]

Did you see PETA's latest target? Their latest beef is with the video game Mario Kart.

[John Holmberg]

Okay, calm down. PETA.

[News Reporter]

They want Nintendo to remove turtles moo moo cows nose rings because they believe it's a sign of animal abuse.

[John Holmberg]

So there's gonna be kids who go out and like put nose rings in cows because of this. I think they're called farmers or Asians who have oxen.

[News Reporter]

Nintendo has not responded yet.

[John Holmberg]

Here's the. I don't know how PETA makes me hate animals. How does PETA go out of their way to make someone who loves animals so much make me want to be against them? Everything they do is annoying and awful. PETA calm down.

[Podcast Announcer]

They got start drinking shooters. And if I had to hang out with PETA.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, all day long. God. The nose rings on cows is a low level fight. Help out some real stuff. PETA and I don't. The cows are. I've seen women with those and they're. They don't seem like it's ruining their lives. Maybe the day it happens, the cow's like, what the is this? And then a couple days later my nose still hurts, but I'm okay.

[Podcast Announcer]

It's a goddamn video game.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, and also pulling around a cow by a nose ring looks awful. Ever seen that?

[Podcast Announcer]

Unless it's 2am at the bar.

[John Holmberg]

Well, yeah, if you grab her off her stool and get her in the car. If you can stuff her in the car. Mind the baby bottles. Mind those. Look out. You gotta push those off the seat before you put your. Your ass in here. All right. Yeah, I guess that's what fat girls put it in for. So you can tug them home. Yeah. Follow me. You gonna hook up my nose thing? God, that would be funny if you had a little key clip. Just walked up to one of them coming home with me. Holmberg's morning sickness.

[News Reporter]

Former Russian Miss Universe contestant dies after an elk smashes through the windshield of her car. It was a Porsche Panamera. She was with her husband driving. Ksenia Alexandrova, 30 years old. Ended up dying of a head trauma. The elk went through the wind windshield. There on the K9 highway, there's a dog highway. K9. Yeah. Yeah. Here she is.

[John Holmberg]

Jesus, she's beautiful. The elk got her. Huh? Wait, she's a WNBA player's mother? No, that's what the headline says. Oh, no, that's a different headline. Exw. NBA player's mom dies in car Crash Involving Illegal Immigrant. Then that's just above the story of this hot rock.

[News Reporter]

She wasn't as pretty.

[John Holmberg]

We don't care about that. Yeah, we only covered. Pretty girls have been attacked by things that cross illegally. Elk, deer, Mexican.

[Podcast Announcer]

Putin should have brought her over. Oh, man.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, for sure. That's Miss Russia.

[Podcast Announcer]

Yeah. Well, 2017, Miss Universe, I think.

[John Holmberg]

Still. What are we so mad at them for?

[News Reporter]

It's now possible to give yourself the flu vaccine at home. AstraZeneca's flu mist has been approved. It's a nasal spray.

[John Holmberg]

Don't get Dave Nash started on that stuff. By the way, this guy says, we drove my personal truck a few years ago after a weekend of hunting. We had shooters in the door, center console. Wife said I had a problem. I told her, we're drunks, we're not alcoholics. Back off. It's a good. Yeah, differentiate.

[News Reporter]

Finally, the World Humanoid Robot Games kicked off in Beijing with AI powered robots. It played soccer, kickboxing, track.

[John Holmberg]

See the one?

[News Reporter]

It's a video.

[John Holmberg]

The one that face plants. Oh, my God.

[News Reporter]

There's multiple.

[John Holmberg]

Couple of gems on there. They struggle getting up.

[News Reporter]

The. The other guy's running with the dude on the track.

[John Holmberg]

The soccer thing screws with your brain because it's moving around, and after a second, you're like. You know what it reminds me of? Like, in television? Like, you can tell it's soccer, but it's not quite Right. And it's moving. Or they had a stadium and all that. But the running track. Yeah, it looks okay. And then you're used to it, and now it's normal. The soccer game was so weird.

[News Reporter]

It's funny how they.

[John Holmberg]

Boxing. I didn't see boxing.

[News Reporter]

Oh, yeah. Watch this knockout.

[Podcast Announcer]

Oh, man, that's some Artario.

[John Holmberg]

That one ate it. And then when they get up, the other one just kicks him and then it falls. That one's gonna go, ah. That was me in the hotel at the Aria, learning how to stop gymnastics. Oh, yeah. Oh, his leg broke. Oh, he shattered his leg, the poor little guy. But by the way.

[News Reporter]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

I'll tell you this. That's the first time we've seen that. And I'm impressed.

[Brett]

Right?

[John Holmberg]

Imagine what that's going to be like in 10 years.

[News Reporter]

That's gonna be crazy in three months.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, no, yeah, good point. That's a goal for you to stick around, Brady. Just check out.

[News Reporter]

Yeah, I want to see it.

[John Holmberg]

You eat healthier and you can see Robot Olympics. On the flip side, though, like you said, when I showed you that lady who just broke the record for largest lip fillers in the world and she put red lipstick on. And all the comments are like, fierce fire. The red is hot. This woman Brady even said, what planet am I on? I'm with you. I don't get it. But her lips are bigger than her face now, and she's. And people were like, this is awesome. You look great. She looks crazy.

[News Reporter]

So I want to stick her to a side of a shark. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, my God.

[News Reporter]

Swim around the ocean.

[John Holmberg]

And even the other, like, lampreys would look at her like, what's going on with your lips? Little big for a Lamprey. Don't you think the. Maybe Brady's got the right idea. Maybe checking out about now is not such a bad idea. Just before it all goes crazy, just, you know what? Take the nap.

[News Reporter]

Got a couple more.

[John Holmberg]

Sleep. Sleep. I say it about my friend Kevin who ran in front of a cab and got killed. Maybe he was right.

[News Reporter]

This is a new, new one in the bull ring. You know, we've seen them where I have a bunch of people standing around. This one is the challenge. The bull.

[John Holmberg]

There's hundreds of people in the bull ring.

[News Reporter]

They're trying to get them to the.

[John Holmberg]

Bulls, kind of staring at him.

[News Reporter]

And so we got one guy that's gonna step out here and try to get things going. All right, there he goes.

[John Holmberg]

He's running right at the bull. And the bull's like, no, you're not just a chest at him. And he picks him up with a horn and chucks him.

[News Reporter]

He was trying to jump over him.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know what he was trying to do, but he did. He was a little off. Well, he got hit in the chest, so he didn't jump that high. He was trying to, like, spring over him. He just does the leap. And the bull's like, no, we're not doing that. Like, he almost. Like he leaped right into it. Now you're asking for it. Where are they? And kudos to the bull for keeping it so cool. There's.

[Brett]

You can't read the writing on the arena.

[News Reporter]

Miguel de la Cruz Assadorius Dump.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, Espanol dump. Mexico or Central America or someplace.

[News Reporter]

Next one's for Brett. Oh, get your pasta served to you.

[John Holmberg]

Girl's got a, like a. Oh, she got like a wine glass. She just. Oh, she had a little. Oh, gross. Okay, so she had. Oh, come on, man. All right, I'll explain this. She's got a wine glass filled with spiral noodles. She's got some parmesan cheese on top of it. Turns it over. She undoes the glass, parmesan drops off. She shoots broccoli out of her mouth onto the. Onto the plate. Parsley. Parsley, whatever. And then fires some salt at it. It's all AI, but it's. Salt comes out of her nose. And you've got a. Delicious. It's not. Thank God, it's AI.

[Brett]

That's not AI.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you can't. You can tell when the parsley comes out of her mouth. Like, it. That's not. That's AI. I'm impressed, though, because it's getting to the point where nobody knows.

[News Reporter]

Next one is just a drop person.

[John Holmberg]

A couple. Oh, a couple dudes.

[News Reporter]

Gotta watch the guy from the side.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, always. They're velociraptors in that country. The guy you think you're fighting, that's Africa. The guy you think you're fighting is not the guy you're fighting. The guy in the Buffalo Bills World Champions 1993 shirt is the guy you're actually needing to pay attention.

[Brett]

Like a double breasted coat.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it is over. That's right. Thank you. You're the Jim Lampley of Uganda. Thank you.

[News Reporter]

You're trying to stop somebody here on the last one from. From jumping.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, there's a guy. Oh, they failed. He jumped. He left a girl. Oh, yeah. She's totally nude. Is that a real person?

[Brett]

I don't know that we've seen other ones. That have made a bigger mess.

[John Holmberg]

That's a real person midway through. It looks like a big plastic person. That noise.

[Podcast Announcer]

Mannequin.

[John Holmberg]

Unmistakable, though. There's no blood.

[Podcast Announcer]

Like, yeah, there's. There would have to be.

[John Holmberg]

You'd think so. Nude.

[News Reporter]

I'm not seeing it.

[John Holmberg]

A lot of people running towards it.

[Brett]

Yikes.

[John Holmberg]

I don't like watching that, even though we watched it eight times. All right, Brett, what do you got?

[Podcast Announcer]

I got more goofy stuff than anything else.

[John Holmberg]

Keep it goofy. It's early in the week.

[Podcast Announcer]

Try this one. Things you see in the middle of the street.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, my God. A lady performing oral sex in the center lane of a. It says, this is how you mess up traffic. This is exactly how you f up traffic.

[Podcast Announcer]

What's your name?

[John Holmberg]

That's the biggest flex since the B2 went over Putin and Trump the other day. Asking a girl who is actually performing oral sex on you, what's your name? That's phenomenal.

[Podcast Announcer]

More signs in the street here.

[John Holmberg]

What is that? Oh, my God. That's a guy putting his digging in hand in another person's butt at a bus stop.

[Brett]

Male or female?

[John Holmberg]

That's a female, I think. He's laying across the bus stop and she's giving a moral. And then he put his hand at her behind and looked around for something. Jesus.

[News Reporter]

Starting off strong.

[John Holmberg]

Wacky stuff. What is this? Oh, all right, Okay. I know how this works. Sadly, I know it just happened. That's Snoop Dogg's butt. It's. It's somebody's B hole. And a man is performing gay sex on it to the best. And then when he pops out, all the smoke comes out because prior to that, they hot boxed his butthole. Sure, Birdie. You can put your phone down. You don't have to. You don't have to research that.

[News Reporter]

There's a broken from Brian.

[John Holmberg]

Don't Google that. Don't Google that. All right. Oh, we're going mountain biking. Oh, jump he goes. Oh, he front wheels it. Can't control it. Goes over the next and then goes face into the next.

[Brett]

Oh, that wasn't intentional.

[John Holmberg]

No, he lost control and was leaning forward. He needed to go back a little bit. Got on the front wheel after a jump and then hit the next jump and went face into the back of the wall. That dude definitely has spinal condition. All right, I'll save that. One more nudity. Okay, we're at the Eiffel Tower. There's a beautiful girl at the Eiffel Tower. She pulls a balloon down. She's got humongous breasts.

[Podcast Announcer]

That's the only reason.

[John Holmberg]

Bending over. I think she's gonna shoot a dart out of her butt at the balloon. At the Eiffel Tower. No fire. She just shot fire out of her bottom and blew up a balloon.

[Brett]

In.

[John Holmberg]

Front of the Eiffel Tower.

[Podcast Announcer]

But great cans.

[John Holmberg]

Everything about that was great for some reason. What? I need details. Like, that's like a magic trick. Am I not allowed to know how that works?

[News Reporter]

Okay, come on.

[John Holmberg]

This is a mentally challenged Asian person finally violently fiddling her bean on a subway. Is that a her? I don't know. I think so. Dude, it's working. Now the fiddling part is. I think that's a woman. That's not good for the community. What is going on? Pretty. All right. Oh, okay. We got somebody bent over a table and there's multiple hands going through something here where they're. They're removing something from behind a person. Is that a butt? It's like, got a rope on it.

[News Reporter]

Oh, a rat. Is that a rat or a mouse? Is it mouse? Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Is that a mouse inside a man's butt? Who is screaming? What kind of hospital are we in? What is that out of there.

[News Reporter]

Why are you.

[John Holmberg]

What are you fiddling around with?

[News Reporter]

Opening it back up on the person.

[John Holmberg]

Is somebody having a. A cocktail with this?

[Podcast Announcer]

Looks like it's coming out of the belly button.

[John Holmberg]

It is the stomach. I can't tell if it was a bent over. It's a gut mouse. That's a thing.

[News Reporter]

Gut mouse.

[John Holmberg]

Gut mouse. A great bear. This isn't sanitary. There's somebody.

[Podcast Announcer]

And look at Dr. Patel with just no gloves, got his Rolex on.

[John Holmberg]

And the other person has a blue carousel going. They've got a grasshopper or something in there. Like somebody's drinking while this operation is happening.

[Podcast Announcer]

That's all we got.

[John Holmberg]

Holy smokes. Yeah. The world's coming to an end.

[Podcast Announcer]

Oh, thank God.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Brady, no anesthesia next week. Let's just go in dry and try to get you out of this mess. You don't need to stay anymore. You've been through enough. But a nice long run.

[News Reporter]

Naval rat comes out.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. If they pull a rat out, too. It's just. I'm going to pillow you. There's no reason for this. You know what? Cancel the surgery. Just coast until this gets you. I think you're all right. I think getting out of this. I'm envious now of Brady's condition. It's 8:38. There you go, everybody. My God. So many questions. A. Why did you go that way to get the mouse out of your tummy. There's obviously a way in. Either swallowed it or stuffed it up something. It doesn't belong. It didn't burrow. So when you go through the other way. Of course, then again, you wouldn't have been doing it with a. At a bar. I'm throwing up.

[News Reporter]

It was on a dare.

[John Holmberg]

I guess you find the mouse, win a thousand dollars. I don't know how it works. That's it. There goes your Brady report. I'm gonna puke now. It's not weird.

[News Reporter]

It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fees.

[Brett]

I have heard enough of this.

[Geico Advertiser]

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[John Holmberg]

Hey, good morning.

[Geico Advertiser]

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[John Holmberg]

Yep, they sure are.

[Geico Advertiser]

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[John Holmberg]

It's all right.

[Geico Advertiser]

We're so far up here.

[John Holmberg]

Look at me. Take a deep breath.

[Geico Advertiser]

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[John Holmberg]

So good. Get a commercial auto insurance quote [e-mail] and see how much you could save.

[Brett]

Get more.

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