← Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona
Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona
08-22-25 - Guad Squares - w/Frank Caliendo - Featuring All The Squares w/Brady Impressions
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You're listening to the HMS podcast brought to you by MMP Guns.com, your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories. The Labor Day event is going on now at your thirteen Valley Chevy dealer. Get exciting offers on head turning lineup, including Silverado. From off road adventures to workday tasks, this truck has the strength to take on what's next. Or check out the Chevy Equinox. With excellent fuel efficiency and bold design, this SUV lets you take on the world in style. Then there's Traverse or Trax, all ready for your next big road trip. Don't miss out. The Labor Day Valley Chevy sales event is going on now at all 13 Valley Chevy dealers. Visit your Valley Chevy dealer today. It's John Holberg here from the morning sickness. And it's time to talk about TVs Doug Hopkins of my home group and doughotkins.com I tell you about the house down the street from me that has had a for sale sign in the yard for three months now. In fact, it's the fourth different sign. They've got a new realtor all the time. I do know this, though. They wouldn't be dealing with all this stress if they'd have just called TVs Doug Hopkins because he's more than a guy buying your house. He makes an offer for your house, cash. As is, you don't have to do anything. The deal is over. So all you got to do is start the process online@doug hopkins.com or sing Hopkins 1-800-sale now. All right, HMS Podcast, time again to let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week. Well, just in case you haven't been paying attention or if you've been mia, we'll let you know that Frank Caliendo is going to be performing at the Desert Ridge Improv this Friday and Saturday night. So tune in. Frank's going to be in with the guys all week long. And just maybe we'll have tickets for you to go catch Frank live up north at Desert Ridge for the complete lineups. And for tickets, go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com and tempeimprov.com you've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself. He's evil sitting right here. Come on. No, no, he's not. He's not evil. He's just a bit rude. 98 Toledo's up there nagging me about time in Montana, so we're gonna drive him bananas. Now. Don't, don't. Because he's texting me. Texting me, too. Oh, it's gonna make him nuts. We got some time left. Ready, Frank? Yeah. Take your time. Time, time. Take your time. It's gonna make him nuts. It is time for your Guadalupe. We have to get you back in time, Frank. This is the best idea this show's had in ages. Since Charlie and the Chocolate Factory with that guy Charlie. I wonder how they came up with that. Remember it was Christopher Walken and Charlie and they redid the Chocolate Factory. I was watching bated breath. I loved it. Anyway, I'm excited about it. I was hanging a clock in my bathroom and I hit my head on the toilet. And that's when I came up with this. The Frank Capacitor. It's what makes time travel possible. It's like Brady who just stuff garbage in and things happen. It'll eat it, trust me. Just jam it in there. Mr. Fusion, it's time for Thriller. How are you? I'm doing all right. About yourself, don't you think? The idea Tracy Morgan kicking Frank in the head and transferring his voice into Frank's body so normal Frank can only sound like Tracy Morgan is a great movie. It's a good idea, but I don't know how you shop it. What are you, an executive? How you shop it? Not with that. He gets the Lee Harvey Oswald haircut. He comes in here and starts telling you have the I want to kill the president. I don't see shop. And I get a regular haircut. And you think I'm going to hurt somebody. You have the haircut of a guy who's on the news who just did something horrible. That guy needs to get away from the shed. Get off of the shed. All right, let's get right to it. It's time for your Guadalupe squares. Here's your host, Mr. Thriller Waltz. Thank you, Chancellor. Let's begin. On top of the square, we have J. Biden Brogan. Yeah. All the squares are kind of Brady today. Yeah, I feel. Oh, yeah. I was born in Scranton, Pennsylvania. I was a senator in Delaware. Mm. I was 46. President. It's Biden's secret square. Oh. Oh, no, no, no. Hey, dad. That you mother? I'll tell you how the squares work around here. Race. You want some coke? Yeah, I'd like some coke. You know who else I don't like? That Obama. Oh. I'm Hunter Biden. And I got a bone to pick. We name. We name Hunter. Cause he'll take you out. Yeah, Makes sense. Makes sense. Shoot you in the knees. Go ahead. It won't make much difference. All right, now, I went to the University of Delaware. Oh, my God. You can go right up. Corey should shoot him in the knees. He's fine with it. He wants to blow one off. Blow off one of his legs, put him out of his misery. Folks have cut it off just like they should have cut off. Who would you rather have, Brady's kidneys or Cory's legs? What you should do is transplant Corey's legs in Brady's belly. Oh, give him a taste for ice cream. One way to do that, Brady. No, I have a taste for ice cream. Vanilla ice cream. You scream, we all scream. Okay, now over to the top of the square we have John Madden Bogan. Hey, folks, John Madden here. You getting ready for the season, John Madden Bogan. I just had a little bit of a rustle in my throat. Yeah, that's my last square. So here's a guy who likes to do little John Madden with John Madden. Maybe that's what you also do, Madden Somer. All I do. Mad and drunkara. That's right, John. Maybe you just do college ball, huh? Hey, folks, John Madden here. There it is. There it is. I had to work my way into it. That's right, John. Ace is the place. Ducksy on the beds. At least it makes sense now why you're into Turducken. If the quarterback, if he throws the ball in the receiver, if he catches it in the end zone, what's that called, Pat? That's a touchdown, John. Thanks, Pat. We can't reverse roll, Pat Boganol. Oh, man, sorry. Over now at the top right square of President Trump. I gotta be honest, I don't like how this is going. I don't like. I don't know that. I'm not gonna participate in that. I'm not going to. I didn't like the Biden square. I didn't like Brady Biden. You didn't like that? Didn't like it. I didn't like it either. I didn't like it. I want to build a wall between the squares. I want to paint it black like the Rolling Stones. I build a wall and I want to paint it black. And I'm going to. Too hot for Mexicans to touch. They don't like it black. And then we will aim the sun at it. We were going to aim. We're planning on aiming the sun through a giant, giant magnifying glass. Magnifying glass. I was looking for that word. And you know what it is? I was going to say looking glass. But looking glass, that's where it's almost the same. That's where Brady's going after the surgery. Into the looking glass we're about to have. Brady's gonna cross the rainbow bridge with all the other pets. The Brady header. That's right. And we're gonna miss you, Brady. We're gonna miss you a lot. But I'm good at replacing people. People come and they go, look at. Look at Elon. Elon was here. He was a good guy. He's a bad guy. He's a gun guy. And now we can get rid of you. I just talked to Trip. Re might fill in for a little while. While Brady's down and out. Trip Reap's secret square. There's no secret. Over now to the middle left square. Brady Rome joining us. It's a great square. I think it's a great square. I love it. He was incredible. Phenomenal. Got right into it. That's right. And you know what I like to do? What's that? Grab a vine. Hang on. Have a take, Doc. Grab a red vine. That's right. Grab a red vine. I like to grab a vine and swing right into the Rainforest Cafe. That's where I like to go. That is a great square. That's a great square. The Rhombogan winning Rhombogan. Incredible, incredible square. You know what isn't phenomenal? My kidneys. They are not in good shape. They're not on fire. They are awful. They are not on fire. Dear Jim, we got a fax. Dear Jim, I'm not feeling well today. I was hoping I could be removed soon. Signed, Brady's kidney. You are starting to sound a little like Shaggy. And I like it. Zoink's like, hey, Scooby Doo. What? Like, what happened to his kidney? That's like, that's not the doctor. That's old man Carruthers. Over now, don't eat that, Scoob. That's a kidney. Right middle square here. We have black Lady Brady here by request. How you doing? Oh, I'm fine. Thank you for asking me this. Thriller. I like you. Oh, thank you. You remind me of Forrest Gump before it got better. That's funn. Had them braces on, running around, getting a college degree and being all big shoddy. Then going over there and trying to save my boy. And my boy was Bubba. And Bubba was your bestest good friend, if I recall. That's right. I'm gonna just call you Fozz from now. Cause that's who you remind me of. Cause all you white boys with a limp remind me of Fozz Gump. That's how I see it. Anyway, how you doing, Frank? I understand you got a show this weekend. Very excited about you getting kicked in the head by Tracy Morgan. I think that's gonna be fantastic. Thank you. Get Tyler Perry to help with that. Do you think Tyler Perry should help you a little bit with your career? Yes. He a billionaire. Thank you. That's right. He'll understand something. Black Lady Brady got all sorts of ideas. I've talked so much, I've gone parched. I need some limonade. You know, give me a good cup of laminate. Not gonna have no limonade no more. You know why? Why's that? Cause it's phosphate. Oh. Bad for my kidney. And I only got one kidney. And I got the sugars on the way as well. There's no question about that. Guess what I'm gonna be doing Dialysis and that stuff. That sugar shot that I got to take every morning to make sure that I don't pass out. Start sweating. I get them papers, I start sweating. That sweat sugar. Lick me like a lollipop middleweight. You seem uncomfortable with Black Lady Brady. Is that a thing? Is you racist? You seem a little bit off. You all right with Black Lady Brady? Cause she all right with you. You exactly the type of man I've been looking for. Little meat on his bones, but not too much. Look at your little handle. You know what I'm saying? Like, grab hold of your hips. You are uncomfortable. And that makes me comfortable. This makes me like it. Hey, you want to win $979? Well, check this out. Handletheheat is back with another chance to win and another chance to check out a Holmberg special on the menu at Native Grillin Wings. That's right. Join the HMS crew at Native Grillin Wings during one of our 4U brews for a chance to participate in Handle the Heat. That's Holmberg's hot wing eating contest. For details, all the contest rules, head to 98kupd.com think you can handle the heat? Well, bring your appetite and find out. It's all brought to you by Native Grill and Wings. Hey, it's Brett vesely. Look, your AC's been working hard for you all summer long, so give it some love with Patrick Riley. Heating, cooling, plumbing, and drains. Right now, you can get a $59H VAC system check, which includes a full equipment inspection, refrigerant level check, and free electronic leak detection. And that's a $99 value. Need a new system? No problem. Score $1,500 off right now. Hot and stuck. Well, they offer emergency same day service. And before you commit, get a free second opinion with no pressure. Go to Patrick RileyServices.com that's Patrick Riley Services.com Patrick Riley. One call does it all. Searching for a romantic summer getaway escape with Rich Girl Summer, the new audible original from Lily Chiu, the exquisitely talented Philippa Sue. Returning to narrate her fifth Lily Chu title, this time Philippa is joined by her real life husband, Steven Pasquale. Set in Toronto's wealthy cottage country, AKA the Hamptons of Canada, Rich Girl Summer follows the story of Valerie, a down on her luck event planner posing as a socialite's long lost daughter while piecing together the secrets surrounding a mysterious family and falling deeper and deeper in love with the impossibly hard to read and infuriatingly handsome family assistant, Nico. Caught between pretending to belong and unexpectedly finding where she truly fits in, Valerie learns her summer is about to get far more complicated than she ever planned. She's in over her head and head over heels. Listen to Rich Girl Summer now on audible. Go to audible.com. richgirlsommar Holmberg's Morning Sickness. Okay, you don't wanna come over and meet my husband, scummy Dick Duggas. He's into cookery. He's into cookery. And you famous. I wanna have sex with all your voices. What? You say come on over to the house there to Frank and just pretend to be 100 people and I'll break some sort of porn record. It'll be Black lady, British 500 only with just Frank. He do your Biden, he do your trump, he do your bush. Do them all while you're giving me the goods. And shoot. While you're down there, do your Tracy Morgan middle right squat. Ooh, he's good. That's a great segue. That's crazy. Do you want to hop in on this or. I want you to put a kidney in me. I can put something inside you, Brady. You want an organ in you? I'll do it. Tracy Morgan organ coming your way. Tracy Morgan, big M, little organ. That's what he needs right now. We gonna stuff that inside you. You're gonna be just fine. This dialysis gonna be diabolical. Unfortunately, your kidney's gonna swell up in nine months and make a baby. I don't know what you're gonna do with it, but if I give it my kidneys, it's gonna Be pregnant. I like to think of your kidneys having a baby. That's what that tumor is. That's what the tumor is. It's little Brady coming out. I'm gonna name it, I'm gonna nurture it, and then I'm gonna get it pregnant, too. Okay, over now to Brady's secret square. Give us a hint. Yeah. Hi, everybody. I'm 84 years old. I was the head coach of New York Giants, New York Jets, New England Patriots and the Dallas Cowboys. My nickname's a Big Tuna guy who actually doesn't impress me. I'm in the room. Okay. Okay. That sounds pretty good. Okay. That is one of the most. Understand exactly so good. What we were talking about. All right, now over to the bottom of the square and John Gruden Bogan. I tell you what, man. It's a pretty good. I'm opening up boxes. Let's inside this box here, man. A kidney, man. Can you believe I found this? It's unbelievable. Given to us by the great people of St. Merrimack. So small car. What? I don't know, man. I'm just worried about getting through this, man. He made him nervous so much, he went to a fake church. He brought a fake church to us. Quinn, you trying to get retribution or something like that? I'll tell you what, man. I just thought all the different churches that would not want to be named in that. I lost my brain. St. Merrimack. I don't know what that is. Is that where merman are mad? You get them mermaids in the same Mermacks. Ooh, that sounds fun. Merman. I like a merman. Put Whiskey Cory up in some sort of super. Make him a merman. Makes sense why I walk that way. Can you swim decently? I don't know what that means. I couldn't read it. And I'll kill time. I couldn't read it. I tell you what, man. Spider two way banana split. Spider two Y. Banana kidney bean. Spider. Spider two Y kidney. Oh, I'll tell you what. This play, this play. This play right here. Yeah. This play is over in a couple of seconds. Just like my post action in the surgery world, man. It's in and out. You ain't got to worry about that. I'm talking to you like this the whole time. Your eyes change when I do it. I love it, man. You do? Yeah. Oh, I love it, too. Nice job. All right. Thanks. Over to our bottom right square. Lord and savior, Tripp Reeb. How you doing, sir? Yeah, I'm doing very well. Wonderful. I can do a Brady impression. Really good one. Trib. I'll be here weekend. Well, not really, but you will, and that's all right. Thanks for coming in, Frank. Yeah. What are you doing starting next week? There may be an opening. Yeah, there's going to be in one in Brady's tummy for sure. Do you want to go live there? You want to get inside Brady and explore like Martin Short in inner space? Inner. Ooh, I'm flying inside Brady in my spacecraft. You know Kevin from. Kevin and Bean did that. Yeah, Kevin and Bean shrunk himself and he went inside the engineer, so to speak, and he floated around in there and he repaired the engineer's kidney with just wit. That's how good Kevin and Bean were. With a bold character. Yeah, with bold character on a TV screen like the old talk show Tidal Tales, just in a little screen. And his head was shot inside Brady and he fixed his disease. That's straightforward. Fiend would do it. We've got Paula. The Toledo hater is on the line. How appropriate. On the. On the day after, he loses his mother. And Paula comes in and rudely calls him as part of it. And David is there. Paula, are you there? I am here, yes. David, are you there? I'm here. All right. Paula, you're a girl. There's no Toledo. Go right ahead. You're first. Yes. Today's a great day. I have to pick. I don't care what he feels like. She hates Toledo. Why? Just hates him. Why do you hate him so much? Because he thinks that he's an impressionist like you. That's what started everything. Well, so does Frank. Terrible. Yeah, exactly. Frank. Well, Frank has made a career out of it. Yeah. So you just don't like him that he does impressions? You want him to stop doing impressions? Well, that and he's just. He's a frickin wimp. All right, thank you, Paula, for being so open about it. David, anything you want to say about Toledo while he's mourning the loss of his mother up in Montana? No, he's fine. He's fine. You took the high road there. All right, Paula, pick a square. My mom survived breast cancer, so I don't want to say nothing about nobody's mama. Exactly. That's classy right there. Unlike Paula, who's going to mention that her daughter had cancer. All right, Go ahead. Right. Yeah. Okay. Pick a square. I have to pick my. My favorite Brady, which is in the middle. Black lady Brady. That's exactly right. She a star. Frankie. She a star. Big boy. For fc. I'm gonna call you FC when you see him talk like that. Yeah, he gets nervous. He don't like this. This go off the rail. Frank don't like being in my neighborhood. You know what I'm saying? He come by my neighborhood. Oh, yeah. I got to get out this neighborhood. It's great. That's all right. You like rap music, Frank? Calendo? Yeah. Oh, you know, you spell Caliento. You know how you spell it? How's that? C Alien Dew. Oh, am I wrong? No, that's exactly what it is, Frank. You like fudge, huh? Yeah. Cause it's hot out and I'm melting. If you want to come on here and get some fudge, come on my porch anytime. You can come on my back porch, or you can come on my front porch, man. It's your car, big boy. You pick a porch, you can come on it. I'll be out there. I just listen for the voice. And you come up and go help turn the Morgan and all that nonsense. I'll be offensive. My back porch let you come on my back porch? All right, go ahead. I got a question for you. Here's enough. Coming on my porch. Nah, it's all right. I heard you. Sounds can disrupt your sleep, but scent cannot. Which is why you don't awaken to the smell of fire or smoke. You don't awaken to fire. Smoke. My house on fire. I wake up. I ain't stupid. You white people is crazy. House on fire. You gonna sleep through it. Cause you didn't smell it, dumbass. Frank, you ever been in a house fire? Yep. My house on fire down south, looking at you. I'll tell you that right now. You a short drink of water, but I only need a little bit. I wake up to rotten eggs. Cause scummy Dick Douglas got a bad diet. Whole room stinks. You heard me. Paula Proc. That's his scummy Dick Douglas in the middle of the night with a boops, and next thing you know, I'm like, God damn it. The household fire. But it ain't. It's just a carbon monoxide leak. We got it. Alarms are taking off. You seen the Internet? No black people ever have any smoke alarms because they beep all the time. I ain't get up on no ladder changing that. It's good until it beeps and then it's just broken. All right. Don't you stab me like that big fell. I tell you. You like a cup of vanilla ice cream. Oh, that's true. We got to hurry Up. True. Okay, you're saying true now, Paula, do you agree or disagree with true? White people can't smell smoke. I disagree that it's true. Incorrect. Then Sumo gets the square. Okay, Racist. Don't believe with a black woman just because I said it was true. Now do you wish Toledo was here? That's right. Toledo is cheering. He's rejoiced. You brought him great joy on a day that had a lot of sorrow. Okay, now over to David. Make your choice. I can do it. I'll go. Brady Biden. Okay. Brady Biden. Yeah. The 46th president of the United States. I'm just a guy. Sounds like Brady. Doing sad things. Well, I'm being kind of sad. Brady. This is what I'm gonna sound like on Tuesday with all the medicine. Yeah. Come on. Can't eat ice cream after kidney surgery. You can have ice cream. You can't have phosphates. Hunter will have some medicine. Hunter, have some stuff. Make me feel good. Do you need painkillers? What are you talking about? Kitty figures nowhere I can't have any medicine. Hunter's a good kid. Take. Don't take your word. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Come on. Doesn't belong here. He's damn serious right now, you know, because he cursed. Okay, I got a question for you here, folks. Crows Toledo can recognize individual human faces. True. And will hold a grudge against them if they don't like them. Is it true? You're saying true? Are you sure you're saying true? True. I said true. Carl give you a side eye? I know that guy. So you're saying true. David, do you agree or disagree? I agree. Correct. Circle. It's a square. Oh, boy. David's one away. All right, you can go for the block here. If you go. No, it's the. Oh, yeah. Paula gets the block. Oh, I could block with the trip. Yes. I will take trip. Is it trip or Gruden? Trip. Trip. Oh, you're right. All right. Sorry. I put the circle in the wrong spot. Yeah, sorry. I wasn't looking. I'm drawing these circles. Circles. And I make a little lump on top. And it's shaped like a kidney. I feel bad doing it, but yeah. Two kidneys and an X. That's what I have on my. It's not even close to right. Yeah. Want me to do my impression of Brady again? Oh, yes. Okay. Goodbye, cruel world. You're not gonna make it. He looks terrible anyway. Go ahead. Question for you. Here. A beard provides protection from the sun. Equivalent to 21 SPF beer. A beard. Sorry. Oh, a beard is the same as SPF 21. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. You would cover it up with hair. Because my head doesn't burn with all my huge white hair. Okay, okay. Yeah. I look like. You know what? You know. Hey, Paulie, you know what that means? You can go outside and never sunburn your piece. True. That would be true. Yeah. Because you're an old schooler. You've got hair pie. Yeah. Let's wander around nude. All right. So he's saying, well, I have one spot I won't have to worry about. That's exactly right. Can't get cancer there. Delicious. So he's saying true and Apollo for the block. Do you agree or disagree? I will agree. Correct. You got the block. All right, next one wins. Next one wins. Back to David. I'll go with Brady. Secret square. Secret Square. There's a 46 president. No, no, that's a different one. Sorry, you're done. True. Brady, put your guess book. You got a guess for the secret square. David. Bill parcels is correct from the ups. Bill parcels. There you go. Well done. All right, David's the winner. Time. I'll just look at Toledo's. Toledo. Just text something for Paula. I'm sure it says, but so have I. Eat all the dicks, Paula. He's pretty happy. All right, there you go. That's it for us. We're done. Thank you, Paula and David. Hang on. We'll get you something nice. Close this thing out. Get out here on time. On time. Wow. Well, it's only 53. We're actually kind of early. No, no, no, no. Thanks to black lady Brady. No, she was a little long winded. What do you mean, no thanks, Black man Brady. Frank will be doing that this weekend. I demand reparations for whatever he just said. You don't like this character, do you? Because I loved it. I thought it was very funny. But why did I bring it back right now? I don't know. Don't lie. I know your heart wants. That's exactly right. Thriller. Because he kicked me out of his head. His big round Bubba's head. I like to see that big round Bubba's head bounce around between my thighs. I hope you get some crazy notion this weekend. Come over to my house and try to lick my kidneys from the inside. You find a way. There's a tunnel. Scared of it. You can see it. This used to be the entire podcast we used to do. Make him uncomfortable. And he'd run with it. Frank's At Desert Ridge improv this weekend. DesertRidgeimprov.com you can grab those. You've got nothing to do, Brady. Phoenix Rising. This could be it. We're off next week. Brady is having his kidney surgery on Tuesday. Let's hear it for Brady. In and out. Great knowing you, Frank. Would you like to say anything? Yeah, I could probably come in, like, a couple days a week. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I didn't say that. No, man, that was too soon. We were supposed to have that conversation privately. Oh, yeah. Just. Well, then, yeah, I. I'm. I'm sure that. Yep. With your genetics, it'll go well. Yeah. With the way you've treated your body so far, the recovery should be a breeze. Amen. Amen. I think he meant that's how we leave. I think that's perfect. Oh, he man. No, no. Amen. He man. We're done. Have yourselves a great week, Brady. We love you. Be good and stay careful and whatever it is you say to people who are about to die, we'll kick its ass. Brady will be back when we're back. That's a promise. All right, it's 98. We'll see you guys whenever. We're back. Hey, it's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fees. I have heard enough of this. Dinner time. 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