08-22-25 - Women Using A New Term Shreking For Choosing To Be w/Men Who Aren't Attractive - Local Weather And News Really Celebrates Weather And Seems To Seek It Out

Summary

Podcast Summary: Holmberg’s Morning Sickness – August 22, 2025

Main Theme

In this episode, John Holmberg and the crew (Brady Bogen, Brett Vesely, Larry McFeely) tackle two major topics with their characteristic irreverent humor:

• The cultural phenomenon of "Shreking," a new dating term where attractive women date less-attractive men (as inspired by the Shrek movies).
• The sometimes over-the-top depiction of Arizona weather events in local news coverage.

The team also reflects on life milestones and the quirks of the news industry while engaging in lively banter.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Personal Touch: Life Events & Reflections

[02:13] – [04:21]

• The episode opens with personal updates: Dick Toledo is in Montana because of his mother’s passing, leading the group to reflect on aging, mortality, and appreciating life’s moments.
• Brady prepares for surgery. The mood is a mix of support, gallows humor, and camaraderie.

Notable Quote:

“To our guy, Toledo, we love you, buddy. … He’s got a mess up there. That’s no fun.” – John Holmberg [02:21]

Humorous Insight:
Holmberg jokes about planning “the eulogy show” just in case, keeping things light despite heavy news.

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2. Paula’s Advice & Dr. Ruth: The Oldest Wisdom

[04:32] – [06:35]

• Holmberg shares advice from his 90-year-old friend Paula: “Just bone it out.”
• They riff on Dr. Ruth’s similar life advice and laugh about the enduring truth of physical intimacy as a solution to petty arguments.

Notable Quotes:

“She said we should have just, instead of arguing over dumb things, we should have just essentially boned it out.” – John Holmberg [05:01]
“Bone it out with Paula.” – Brady [05:47]

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3. Shreking – The New Dating Term

[06:38] – [26:22]

• "Shreking" Defined: Women purposely date men they find less physically attractive, inspired by Fiona’s choice in "Shrek."
• The team unpacks the logic: attractive women may turn to "Shreking" after being mistreated by handsome men, whose abundance of options can coincide with risky behavior (e.g., higher STD rates).

Key Points:

• Shreking is not about a one-night stand, but about long-term relationships.
• Men’s egos may be bruised if they realize they were “Shreked.”
• Women have subtle ways of labeling men unattractive (e.g., calling someone “breathtaking” as an insult).

Memorable Exchanges & Quotes:

“Shreking is women who are very attractive basically saying, ‘I’m gonna test out the ugly guy. Cuz like Fiona did it in Shrek.’” – John Holmberg [06:51]

“Where I'm from, when we call someone breathtaking, it's usually someone's ugly.” – Recapped from listener’s text [10:13]

“The bad thing is I don't think a lot of guys' egos can handle a woman who Shreks them.” – John Holmberg [09:42]

• The double standard: It's more socially accepted for women to "Shrek" men than vice versa, and men are often told “you outkicked your coverage” if their partners are more attractive.

• Jokes about Partner Selection:

  • “Favorite position with most married women is doggy style. … You know why they don't have to look at you.” – John Holmberg [16:49]
  • "I’ve never slump busted. … Can you imagine? It’s disgusting." – John Holmberg [15:07]

• Cultural Touchstones: Reference to the Patrice O’Neal bit about women falling in love with a trait they want you to stop once you’re together. [18:24]

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4. “Shreking” – Gender Dynamics and Relational Honesty

[23:04] – [26:22]

• Discussing the social acceptability of Shreking and the uncrossable lines for men.
• Satirical role reversal: How would a woman react if a man openly said, “I used to date great looking women, but now I date women like you.” (It wouldn’t fly!)

Notable Quote:

“Try it with them. Right on your date this weekend … just go, ‘I’ve wasted so much time dating all these beautiful women and so I started to date women that look like you. And I feel like it’s going better.’” – John Holmberg [25:52]

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5. The Love of Arizona Weather and Local News Antics

[26:22] – [38:47]

• Holmberg skewers the local news’ obsession with monsoon storms, storm-chasing, and sensationalizing minor events (like downed trees).
• News stations “hunt” for rain, driving around just to find something dramatic; this is called out as both pointless and hilarious.

Notable Quotes:

“The invention in the last few years of them driving around looking for rain in the car is hilarious to me because when they find it, they flip out.” – John Holmberg [26:44] “If I look outside, I know whether it’s raining or not. … But I will watch Holly Bach drive around for a while.” – John Holmberg [33:02]

• The crew fantasizes about improving ratings by having attractive newswomen report storms in wet white T-shirts, mocking the superficiality of TV news.

“Put Holly Bach in a white shirt, no bra, and have her stand outside … I will watch this news for hours.” – John Holmberg [33:20]

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6. Exaggerated Names & TV Reporter Personalities

[34:33] – [38:47]

• Teasing weatherman Jorge Torres’ on-air name delivery and the performative aspects of local TV news.
• Calls out "rolling R’s" and over-ethnicizing names, comparing to other cultures (Swedes, Germans, etc.) for comedic effect.

Notable Quotes:

“Jorge Torres. It will be 80 degrees in Flagstaff, 69 in Sholo. I’m Jorge Torres. Did he just bust more cheaps? Yes. Jorge Torres. More chips.” – John Holmberg [34:33] “If you’re Mexican and you’re rolling your R’s every time you talk to one of us, knock it off.” – John Holmberg [45:21]

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7. News Anchors, Fashion Crimes, and Personal Gripes

[38:47] – [46:52]

• Digs at news personalities who wear fingerless driving gloves (specifically referencing Corey McCloskey and Scott Pasmore).
• Fashion and accessory choices as proxies for personality—mocking the superficial elements of the news industry.

Notable Quote:

“If you’re wearing [fingerless driving gloves] right now, knock it off. Unless you’re 80 and you’ve got the dumb little racing hat … then people think you’re adorable.” – John Holmberg [43:30]

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• [02:13] Personal updates: Toledo’s loss, Brady’s surgery
• [04:32] Paula’s advice & “boning it out”/Dr. Ruth
• [06:38] "Shreking" concept introduced
• [09:42] Why Shreking can bruise men’s egos
• [14:29] Double standards: Men vs. women on dating “down”
• [23:04] The social acceptability of openly Shreking
• [26:22] Local news & weather obsession begins
• [34:33] Jorge Torres and performative weathermen
• [38:47] Fashion critiques of TV personalities

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Memorable Quotes

• “Bone it out with Paula.” – Brady [05:47]
• "If the dude is an Ugo and she... it works in reverse as well, like the hot chick goes after the uggo and tries the Shrek." – Brett Vesely [14:37]
• "No, I hate this car. I absolutely hate it. I bought it because I want to just destroy my life." – John Holmberg [42:12]
• “If you’re again, and I think this is a PSA, if you’re Mexican and you’re rolling your Rs every time you talk to one of us, knock it off.” – John Holmberg [45:21]

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Tone and Style

As always, the HMS crew is:

• Irreverent and quick-witted
• Unafraid to tackle taboo or awkward social topics
• Equal parts satirical and self-deprecating
• Fond of local color and lampooning regional quirks (especially the Arizona news cycle)

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Conclusion – What Makes This Episode Stand Out

Listeners will walk away with both a hilarious and insightful look at new dating trends ("Shreking"), the realities of dating and ego, and a healthy dose of satire directed at the dramatics of local news and modern weather coverage. Offbeat personal stories and riffing on everyday absurdities keep things high-energy and entertaining for both loyal fans and new listeners.

Transcript

[Brett Vesely]

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[John Holmberg]

It's John Holberg here from the morning sickness and it's time to talk about TVs Doug Hopkins of my home group. And Doughn. I tell you about the house down the street from me that has had a for sale sign in the yard for three months now. In fact, it's the fourth different sign. They've got a new realtor all the time. I do know this though. They wouldn't be dealing with all this stress if they had just called TVs Doug Hawkins because he's more than a guy buying your house. He makes an offer for your house, cash as is, you don't have to do anything. The deal is over. So all you gotta do is start the process online@doug hopkins.com or sing Hopkins 1-800-sale now.

[Comedy Show Announcer]

All right, HMS podcast time again. It'll let you know where to go for some great comedy in the valley this week. Well, just in case you haven't been paying attention or if you've been mia, we'll let you know that Frank Caliendo is going to be performing at the Desert Ridge Improv this Friday and Saturday night. So tune in. Frank's going to be in with the guys all week long and just maybe we'll have tickets for you to go catch Frank live up north at Desert Ridge for the complete lineups. And for tickets go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com and tempeimprov.com.

[Brady]

You'Ve been deceived by an agent of Satan himself.

[John Holmberg]

He's evil sitting right here. Come on.

[Brady]

No, no, he's not evil.

[John Holmberg]

He's just a bit rude. 98 the eve of peace. Good morning everybody. Hello there. Welcome to Friday. It is 5:45. This is the morning sickness as it stands for now. My name's John. There's Brady.

[Brett Vesely]

Well, I'M here.

[John Holmberg]

What are you talking about? There's Brad. Hopefully we get to say that again. Toledo is not here. As you know, he's had a little family issue up there in Montana. And we can all say that yesterday our. Our thoughts and stuff were up there with Toledo because his mom passed. So we lost her yesterday. And so Toledo is going through it right now. He's up in Montana. But, you know, the good news is he got to go up there and. And see her right before. So it was a. It was a quick turn, but it's been, you know, it's been a minute. So we feel for Toledo. It kind of stinks. You know, he's taking a punch and this ain't fun for anybody. So to our guy, Toledo, we love you, buddy. And hopefully you're. You're up listening, doing your thing because he' up goofing around. I see the computer move around. I'm like, damn it, Toledo, why you're doing it from Montana? But yeah, he's got. He's got a mess up there. That's no fun. That's just flat out no fun. Stage we're at, though, we were talking about that with Larry. Everybody's kind of like, that's. That's what you hear more of. So now we got to keep our Turn our attention to this one over here is this. We have our tribute show. Should we have it just in case? The eulogy show. Just in case. I think maybe Frank's gonna come in, say goodbye, say hello, Say, say, see Brad, that's it for Brady's big surgery is on Tuesday. So it's a thing. I'm a bit distracted myself, I have to say, for personal reasons. Brady's got everything he's got going on. Of course, Toledo's thing. It's Dua Lipa's birthday. And I feel bad feeling so great about that with all that's going on around me. TMZ did a big, like 60 of just hot shots of Dua lipa. And most of the time when I'm looking for, you know, news stories or things in the world, I. I was lost in that for about, I don't know, 12 minutes. We'll say something like that. That's about right. Just photograph after photograph. The 30 year old now Dua lipa getting closer and closer to that expiration. It was fast. It was very quick. But yeah, 30 years old. Do a good age. Dulipa, you think, is that. Is it for you? It's a fun age. It's a fun age. Brady's a pure parent.

[Brady]

Oh, that's a fun age. 30s.

[John Holmberg]

I mean that's what people say right before they go. Bret, never forget the 30s.

[Brady]

I remember my 30s. Just promise me you'll have fun.

[John Holmberg]

All the things, that's what my 90 year old friend Paula always says. Just, you know what, you're, you're so young. It feels like you're not, but you're so young. Just make love. I'm like, Jesus, lady, come on, get me half heart here.

[Larry McFeely]

Can't wait for that.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that advice should be nice people.

[Larry McFeely]

I'm definitely going to share that.

[John Holmberg]

You, it's not too late. You can do that. You have to be 90 to tell.

[Larry McFeely]

People, start boning, make love.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, she said that. That's one thing. She said we should have just, instead of arguing over dumb things, we should have just essentially what she's saying, we should have just boned it out. She's telling me this after her husband passed away a couple years ago. Should have just boned it out. I'd get mad at him for dumb stuff. He was, you know, taking a brought out to dinner or something for some work thing he had to do and I'd get mad at him. So just bringing him home and boning it out. This is the best advice I've ever heard. Paula.

[Brett Vesely]

She should have a TV show and.

[John Holmberg]

Tell all these broads. Bone it out. Yeah. Should be called bone it out with.

[Larry McFeely]

I'll be surprised how well it works.

[John Holmberg]

Oh yeah, well, Dr. Ruth tried for years and if she was remotely attractive it would have worked better. But all she said was, what are you doing?

[Brady]

Just bone it out.

[John Holmberg]

And you're like, you know what? Dr. Ruth's right.

[Brady]

And we're like, she's crazy.

[John Holmberg]

I think she's making a ton of sense.

[Brett Vesely]

Where is the problem?

[Brady]

I always fighting. There's no reason to argue. The man takes his penis which fixes arguments when it's inserted inside the woman. Phone it out.

[John Holmberg]

People had her on TV and she was always on interviews and essentially that's what she was saying and they just kept talking.

[Brett Vesely]

She's been Katie, KB back in the.

[John Holmberg]

Day, every night, Sunday night, Dr. Demento and then Dr. Ruth. It was the medical hours on KDKBN. So back when that station meant something, you know, that wasn't some sort of strange pandering nightmare to a 10% of the population which surprisingly worked a lot better than I thought. 93. 3. That was so gross.

[Larry McFeely]

Anyway, there's inserting going on. Still heavy.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, so bone it out. Brady's advice as he faces the Grim Reaper. To bone it out. That's the way it should work. Yeah. Do his birthday is pretty solid. Another thing I saw, I said was great. You know, you got to hand it to. There's a name for everything. And there's a new dating method called Shreking which is incredibly cool. And it's smart new dating term that people are using because it's. And it's great for, you know, people like me. Brady Brett's a handsome man. I won't necessarily put it in that category, but you're not exactly a catch. No. Shreking is women who are very attractive. Basically saying I'm gonna test out the ugly guy. Cuz like Fiona did it in Shrek. And that worked out really. It really worked out. But what happened in the end again is dangerous for the. For the brain is that a magic potion made them both incredibly good looking. So it wasn't enough just to like each other. Oh yeah. It wasn't enough just to like each. Remember that's in the. The potion. It wasn't. They ended up going back to ogres because they were supposed to kiss at a certain time and then they could stay beautiful. And Shrek got to be a little bit of a. When he was handsome, you know, he's getting a little bit full of himself. But remember how handsome Shrek got there with the Fairy Godmother's potion and then he abused it. He did what everybody would do. It's just like, you know when you get a student loan and you get cocky because you got more money than your friends for a couple of weeks. You just. It's new to you. It had gotten used to it. But yeah, they were. And then Fiona turned into the beautiful Fiona. You know, she was gorgeous and then she bubbled back into. They both got ugly in the end is what I'm saying is you turn into a pig. Yeah. You turn into Midwestern pigs. Everybody turns into the Connors. Yeah.

[Larry McFeely]

Shrek said how to make her ugly again. Trying to restore her Shrek beauty.

[John Holmberg]

I don't remember. I just know that she. Yeah, she's an idiot. I don't think that would. I don't think that movie would have been successful if that were. That was reverse. I think he. I know. I think he tried to make out with her like he was supposed to do it. Well, I mean, you know, the other dude was a frog. The king. Not the Farquad. But the other one that hurt Fiona's dad. He was technically. That was the princess and the frog story and Fiona was the offspring of that. So yeah, the Shreking thing has merit because girls are basically saying, you know, I've been mistreated by. And what did I say the other day? I was talking about this the other day. Girls that date hot dudes are more likely going to get HPV from them than anybody else because they have the most sex with and they. And they fool you all the time because you're like, oh, I'd rather have sex with a hot girl. He has the most options. So you're going to. With a guy who has the most options instead of a guy like Brady who has none. You got it. He's going to be the one. You're going to bone him like crazy guy like me. You're probably not even going to want to do it with me. No way. You can catch an STD with somebody you're never going to have sex with. It's brilliant. Shreking. So it says you get Shrek too. You can have that if you are. That's the bad thing is I don't think a lot of guys egos can handle a woman who Shreks them.

[Larry McFeely]

I think the guy handles it better than the.

[John Holmberg]

It would still hurt though if she said I just went Shreking.

[Larry McFeely]

I don't know if a girl could.

[John Holmberg]

Be a guy can handle a lot better because people tell the look, you out kicked your coverage. How'd you pull that? You must have a lot of money. Like we're constantly being told we're Shreks and. And I. You know who I've talked to about this handsome guys. They don't get that. That's the announcement yesterday I was with Larry McFeely and we went out to. I'll tell you about the mattress complain. It's awesome. Amazing place. It was so it's a verlo mattresses and Larry was out there and he got some. Oh my God, the pillow with the cutout looks like a bite in it. We'll get to that in a second. But I went out with him and he. He had been. He was chatting with a girl on. On his text and she's a listener of the station and he's known her for a while. And I was on one of the beds and I was on my knees. I was bouncing on the bed like seeing what this thing could take. And Larry took a picture of me and she text back and said I forgot how breathtaking he was. And I said, wow, that's. Something's wrong with that chick. And he's. She's laughing. And he said he text her back and said, oh, I see the real crush lives in the other part of the radio station. There we go. And yeah, I know he got a little upset at the end. Well, not upset, but it made him feel like she likes me and not him. And that wasn't the whole goal of the conversation. Wasn't even going that way. He made it there anyway. So she said that and then she said no. Where I'm from, when we call someone breathtaking, it's usually someone's ugly. Baby. Women have no problem telling you you're ugly. None. And they do it in subtle ways like, oh, you're breathtaking. Oh, thank you. No one's ever called me that before. And that means that you're hideous. Which I'm fine with because I know that more than anybody else. But if a woman said that at dinner, what can't happen is some guy goes, wow, she's beautiful. You really out kicked your coverage. How'd you pull that off? If your wife starts telling people, yeah.

[Brady]

I decided to go shreking and I landed him.

[John Holmberg]

Like, hey, knock it off. Like, you're not allowed to say that.

[Brady]

No, I could have had a lot better, but I at least physically, but I Shrek. I pulled Shrek out of the the mud and cleaned him up and made him my own.

[John Holmberg]

So I didn't on the morning sickness upd.

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[John Holmberg]

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[John Holmberg]

But it's a handsome dude.

[Larry McFeely]

Sure. Dating app already.

[John Holmberg]

Probably a shreking. Just goofy lunkheaded guys sitting there staring at the camera. I wanna, you know, with a, with a lazy eye. Women just have to grin and bear it and let him lay on top of them for a little bit for the sheer fact that they're worried that a handsome guy's going to give him the HPV or start boning. Because he's got options. And that's the truth.

[Brett Vesely]

So it's a Shrek thing too.

[John Holmberg]

If, oh, Brett's going, we losing him. He's just gonna throw up. All right, don't cry. It's not that. You're okay. You'll make it fine.

[Brett Vesely]

So like, so if the dude is an Ugo and she. So it works in reverse as well. Like the hot chick goes after the uggo and tries the shrek. Is that what we're saying there?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Okay. When would a guy ever go after an ugly girl on purpose?

[Brett Vesely]

2:00Am oh, no, no, that's.

[John Holmberg]

No, that's always going to be Hagen. That's already got names.

[Larry McFeely]

Yeah, for the women, you know, Shreking's for the guy.

[John Holmberg]

Shreking is the woman is.

[Larry McFeely]

We try harder.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, well, that's true.

[Brett Vesely]

Like I wouldn't care.

[John Holmberg]

No, no, I got in there. Who cares? Shreking is happily ever after. She's not looking for a one nighter. Oh, she's going Shreking for a Lifetime. Right. You're talking about crazy broad. You're talking about slump busting or hard. Yeah, you'll go, you'll one time a pay y. Okay. Yeah, yeah, you'll. You'll, I mean, run around that, please. And, and you know what? In my lifetime proud to say I just went home and threw one out. I never, never slump. Busted. No disgusting hogging and slump busting. I don't know. I mean, I've thought about it and I've been in some slumps, but I've never like, I've never gone, well, I'm just going to have to hog it out and then get. Can you imagine? It's disgusting. And I knew plenty of dudes who did it. And I man, some guys can do it. Some guys can just climb on, you know, just a thing. And women are usually not able to. Although there are times you just look around, you're like, man, she really did look into his personality. Because what I'm looking at is not worthy of laying on top of you. Like, you wouldn't want that laying on top of you.

[Brett Vesely]

I'm sure guys say the same thing when they see our wives walking with us.

[John Holmberg]

100%.

[Brett Vesely]

Boy, she must really. He must have a really great.

[John Holmberg]

But we do. The whole reason they ended up liking this is because we're fun. Yeah. We're like, we'll go out and we're like, hey, this guy's pretty fun. I can get past all the what's going on here. And then they start telling you that they're good. That still bothers me.

[Brady]

You're handsome.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, stop lying. It's been years.

[Brady]

I think you're handsome.

[John Holmberg]

That's more insulting. That basically means I know society doesn't.

[Brady]

But I happen to see past it.

[John Holmberg]

Stop it. Just tell me what we both know and favorite position with most married women is doggy style. You know why they don't have to look at you. That's a big thing. Dudes want mirrors and women don't. Dudes want cameras and women don't. There's a reason it's you. It's not her. She could look proof. They look in a mirror all day long. Suddenly you want to. Let's do it by the mirror.

[Brady]

I don't. That's. No, I can't. I don't wanna.

[John Holmberg]

You don't want to see me. I get it. I spend hours in the bathroom looking in the mirror. Doesn't bother them. Get them in the throes of dirtiness and they're like, I don't get by a mirror, you're in it.

[Larry McFeely]

That's pretty nice. You get that? That you're handsome still?

[John Holmberg]

You don't get that?

[Larry McFeely]

I don't know. I get you're funny. Have a great summer.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, you gotta. Like she's still signing your yearbook.

[Brett Vesely]

Keep in touch.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, keep in touch. Have a bitch in summer. Hopefully we got some classes together next year. Yeah, I find it. I've talked to handsome men and I've said that I'm like. The women ever say that to you? Oh, you've out kicked your coverage. Because I've had good looking men say that to me. And I'm like, has anybody ever said that to you? And they're hilarious because good looking dudes know it. And they're just like, no, no. Everything I've got I've earned. And they. And the women are. But again, I also look at most handsome couples and think those works must be horrible because he's been handsome for a. And I know college. You're handsome, you have it thrown at you and it's the pretty women that throw it at you. And they're the ones that get the most options too. And then you start mixing that stew together and the next thing you know, they're bubbling up like, you know, wrapping paper.

[Larry McFeely]

Here comes the hot nanny.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And then here comes hot nanny and you put your herpes in her. Yeah. And then they hire hot people around their house because they just assume that's what they should be around all the time. And then you realize, oh, I'm still married to a hot college guy even though he's 45. And then the hot nanny's looking at him and he's looking like, Jesus Christ, I still have enough to get the hot nanny. And he's fun and all that. Yeah. The whole. That's a Patrice o' Neill used to do that all the time. The reason you like me is the very same thing you want me to stop being once. Once we start dating because you realize that's what other people get attracted to. So I better stop it. The whole reason you liked me is because I could fish. I was a good fisherman and I'd pull him in and suddenly now we're together and you want me to sell the boat. No.

[Larry McFeely]

Doesn'T work that way.

[John Holmberg]

I still fish accidentally just because I'm fun shreking. And I would venture to. Venture to say Brett being sort of the exception because Brett has standard social decent features of a human being. Again, you know, maybe six and a half, seven out of ten. That's pretty good.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah, I'm gonna go with that.

[John Holmberg]

Brady thinks he's a seven, but there's a point in front of it.

[Larry McFeely]

And Shreking.

[John Holmberg]

I'm a. Oh, it's in Shreking. You are. Yeah. You're a nine and a half inch wrecking. Because you know what? This is exactly what?

[Larry McFeely]

Successful.

[Brett Vesely]

You're like Dustin walking down the hall.

[John Holmberg]

That's.

[Brett Vesely]

That's how much.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. You're in a tank top. Yep.

[Brett Vesely]

Boy shorts and. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Maybe even cowboy. You know what you mean? Cowboy boots and a feather boa. Because you can get away with it. Because you're just so goddamn. In the world of Shrek's. This is the goal. Oh, man. Personality, good job, fun to be around. That's about it. But other than that, then I just. Then do whatever you want in the world of Shrek, Brady is. You are the Jon Hamm of Shrek.

[Larry McFeely]

Now turn to chapter three, Shreking in the summer.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you can use Shrek. You are the Shrek. But yeah, handsome men all have herpes. I'm convinced of it. Because they're usually arrogant about how easy it is to get girls, how simple it's always been for them. And that means one thing and one thing only. Multiple partners. And that leads right down the road of several STDs, which I can proudly say, including children. I've never had an std. Isn't that great? I think everybody in the room. I know you haven't. You got close and you pushed her off.

[Larry McFeely]

Yeah, I dabbled.

[John Holmberg]

You didn't dabble. You didn't know. And once you found out, bitch had to stand on the other side of the room and take a silkwood bath. He cuddled with her because he was still nice.

[Brady]

But I have to let you know, I've had infected wing. Well, this party's over.

[John Holmberg]

So long, sister.

[Brett Vesely]

Jumped in the tempo and bounce.

[John Holmberg]

I'm not having.

[Brady]

Yeah, I'll be in the tempo that you're not allowed in anymore. You're gonna wear two pairs of pants in the tempo because that's the love Mobile.

[John Holmberg]

But yeah, Shreking is a thing. It's a very real thing and people should think about it. Were you Shrek? I know I was. I'm proud enough to admit I've probably been. I'm Shrek. Nobody looks at me and says, nobody ever looks at me, has ever in any circumstance in my life and said, she's so lucky it's never happened. Wow. Your girlfriend slash wife slash wife slash. You know any of them they sure hit the jackpot with you. But I've heard people say it to, wow, you hit the jackpot. I had a guy say that to me in Vegas years ago, sitting next to Megan was there, and we're playing slot machines, and his wife. His wife won like 20 grand. And they were waiting to get a payout. And he's sitting there. I'm like, I'm proud of you, man. That's great. I wish it would happen to me. And he goes, here's what you need to know. Like what? And it got real serious. And this dude just pulled a nice little jackpot out of the machine. He goes, no matter if you win or lose, you get to go home with the most beautiful woman in the casino tonight. And his wife looks at him like, you, mother, I'm right here. I'm like, oh, anyway, congratulations on your win there, chief.

[Larry McFeely]

Enjoy not celebrating again.

[John Holmberg]

Enjoy. Enjoy. Getting to a fight over. Might as well just give him half now, cuz this is over. Kids say that out loud. And then he bought champagne because it was a good win and they had been winning all week. He bought champagne for. And he goes, would you guys like some? Like, you're gonna try to get her drunk, aren't you? You're literally making the move and your wife just won all that money, you son of a bitch.

[Brett Vesely]

But yes, I'll have some.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I'm taking. I did. I drank some of that shit. I'm not stupid. It was celebration champagne. It's just. It doesn't happen. Guys don't go Shrek. And we don't look for a Fiona just because the hot girl treats you poorly as a guy. You're like, I'm gonna get on that horse again. You go to another. You're not going to. I'm never gonna date that. That song, never make a pretty woman your wife. It makes a ton of sense, you know, so from my personal point of view, get an ugly girl to marry. It's a. It's the song. Makes sense. But we're not doing that. We're not looking for. We're not.

[Larry McFeely]

What a lot to anticipate, though, is they turn into.

[John Holmberg]

Right? Yeah. Oh, no, no. The ogre thing is real. Like in the fairy tale world, Shrek's real story is no matter what she looks like now, she's gonna turn into Fiona. She's eventually gonna be Fiona. Now. What was frustrating about Shrek in reality was Fiona the ogre. Her mother was Julie Andrews and was probably in her mid-50s, maybe early 60s. In the cartoon that was the age she was perfect. So if you were to look at her, you'd be like, you know, you look at their moms and say that's what they're going to turn into. Scary, insane. Cameron Diaz was, you know, good genes.

[Larry McFeely]

If I say that.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you can't say that anymore. That's not. That doesn't apply because science has been thrown out by idiots. But yeah, but that's. Yeah. So if you looked at Fiona's mom, you'd be like, we're in good shape here. Like she's. She's been either shamed into staying at a certain size her whole life by her mother's just activity level, or she's just got what Brady said earlier. And I won't say it's the N word of science now. Good genetics. Genetics. Oh my God, I said it. But. So that was all a lie. And then Fiona just said, I'm comfortable. And then she blobbed out, turned green, put a moomoo on and sat in her hut and didn't care anymore. Just bon bons and stuff. But yeah. So Shreking. It's real. And are you a Shrek? That's the big question. I think we can all say it. Yeah, most of us are. But try to say that with your wife. She's my little Fiona. I used to date hot chicks all the time, but not anymore. And I I nabbed this little honey and I bolted her to the ground. She's mine forever.

[Brady]

What did you mean when you said that?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I used to date really pretty women and they were just awful. So I. So I date you now. Women are. That's out loud to us men. Get that? Out loud.

[Brady]

I don't want to date good looking men anymore. I've chosen you.

[John Holmberg]

And we have to go. Thanks, that's great. I'm like a Shrek and we have to eat it. Try it with them. Right on your date this weekend with a girl from Tinder and just go, you know, I. I've wasted so much time dating all these beautiful women and so I started to date women that look like you. And I feel like it's going better.

[Brady]

What does that mean?

[John Holmberg]

You know the Les Dans, the Fionas, the girls who don't care so much about their appearance.

[Brady]

Hey, I worked hard to look like this.

[John Holmberg]

Sorry. Really?

[Brett Vesely]

You looked like you're unemployed.

[John Holmberg]

You did. Go back to work. You looked hard to look like this.

[Brady]

What do you look like without this?

[John Holmberg]

Wait, I thought we were shreking. I thought this was fun. They're allowed to do it. We're not. That's how it is. Another thing that's fun on the news right now is it's been bad monsoon seasons for the last few years. This year's been average to good. Brett showed videos last night of a tree falling down. His neighborhood was pretty cool.

[Brett Vesely]

And I got messed up too.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you had roofs flying off. That's crazy.

[Larry McFeely]

And a week ago, they're saying it's over.

[John Holmberg]

We had a really bad monsoon, the nonsoon. But we got some good ones. And I love this because before they could even finish, the news has nothing to do. And I really like watching it. But the invention in the last few years of them driving around looking for rain in the car is hilarious to me because when they find it, they flip out. So today they're in heaven and Ian Schwartz is in heaven and all the news people, because you've got downed trees which didn't hurt anybody and really isn't news.

[Larry McFeely]

Some power outage.

[John Holmberg]

Just great footage of. Yeah, power. That's the news. That's when you say, hey, guys, by the way, the storms last night, SRP has shut down. APS view of these customers. You get it back by 11. That's what you want from your news is like, what happened? Oh, a tree fell. We don't need footage of it. Just tell us it hit power lines or the power went out. It's out now. It's probably gonna be on until about two or three. But no, they drive to the trees and they show you the roots and they flip the F out and they drive around all over the city. Destruction, destroyed. They just love it. And if they could. Brady's right. If they could tie this to Hurricane Aaron, they would. Because that's supposed to scare the hell out of you. The hurricane that's in the middle of the ATL doing nothing, category two, right? It's not even that big. It's hitting like 20 foot waves. Look out. New York City's gonna drown from this. Like, what? No, it's not. Yes, it might. Yeah, but yes, it might. Maybe, but probably. Yes, it might. Two weeks ago, the entire Pacific Ocean was on watch for a tsunami that was probable in like, the middle of the Pacific is huge. It's very possibly gonna happen. Where? Hawaii, about 10 o'. Clock, waves up to 3ft. That's just. That's pretty good. I think surfers would like that. You get to get inside. No, I think we're okay. And the reason people stand on the beach and watch tsunamis come at them is because of the news because they film it and they send it to news channels. And also the news makes us feel like they overreact to everything. This storm last night was normal. I watched two news news things. The storms are getting tougher and harder. They're worse than they've ever been. Like, this is what used to happen six times a month in summer when I was a kid. What's not normal is that it doesn't happen like, two days in a row. Takes two days off and comes back. My little league, it doesn't hit kind of like anything.

[Larry McFeely]

It hits harder in certain spots than it does.

[John Holmberg]

No. There was seven to eight dust storms a summer that would screw up my little league all stars. That's july. And I remember, like, all star practice gonna suck because we're gonna get dirted. And the dirt balls would go by, and then it would rain for a little bit, and we'd get to play a night game. It doesn't happen anymore. That's the weird thing. But they act like every storm is bad. They film trash cans flying down the road, Trees getting tipped over. That was normal. That used to be all the time. I used to have to pick up a goddamn palo verde every summer. And I used to tell my dad, verde, don't. Don't plant the palo verde again. No, those. They grow real fast, and they tip over every summer. And I'm the one out there with your cruddy, you know, rechargeable baby chainsaw, Chopping it up and cleaning it. You don't ever have to do that. It's a tree that looks good by spring. Get it back in there. Plan a new palo verde next summer. Just cutting it in thirds, Throwing it in the. You put the goddamn palo verde in the regular trash bin now. We don't have room for the trash. Cut it up some more. I can't. Your remote control chainsaw doesn't work. What do you.

[Brady]

Did you break that?

[John Holmberg]

Dad, it's a toy. Yet another one. I'd have to go to the ace value and get it. But I couldn't get the school on it. I wasn't allowed to get the big chainsaw. You'll cut your goddamn leg off. So I had to. Chainsaw is about the size of an iPhone. I might as well use the Swiss army knife. Clean it up, make it look good. Get all the stuff out of there. The new palo verde would grow, like, two months later. There it is. And I'd stare at it every time I'd pull in that goddamn thing. I got three months to live for this. It was in a wind pattern. Now they stay up. We've got palo verdes that have been in. I'm not familiar with this. These trees out here, they don't tip over anymore.

[Brett Vesely]

Wish they would.

[John Holmberg]

These in my front yard and when I was growing up, didn't stand a chance. They're huge.

[Larry McFeely]

A couple of them have been bent to the max.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah. But they used to just pull right out of the ground. Just lay there like, we're done. I'm done. Sorry.

[Brett Vesely]

Lay down the parking lot. They need to go.

[John Holmberg]

They're the sea monkeys of trees. You get a couple months out of them and then you're like, I kind of want this thing anymore. And then they're just dead anyway. And they stink. But these that we have in our parking lot, they're rooted. And that's never happened, ever. I hate them. I hate looking at them. They're just weeds. This is a childhood trigger for me right here. These goddamn trees. Because I'd come home and I'd see it big and bushy. I'm like, oh, next storm I'm going to be working my ass off. On a humid summer day. They don't tip over anymore. Yeah. Today the news is going to be crazy down to. Look at this tree. Look at the roots of this one. Did anybody get hurt? Nah. A car get. Nah, nothing happened. It's just a tree on. It's neat. We think it's cool looking and we love weather. We got nothing to talk about. And when you guys shoots each other, there's a car wreck. But we like this the worst is.

[Brett Vesely]

When it's actually raining and they have the storm chaser out there. And let's just look out the windshield with windshield wipers going the whole time.

[John Holmberg]

Great.

[Brett Vesely]

I'm not seeing a goddamn thing.

[John Holmberg]

Sometimes they're driving and they can't find it. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like, don't you have a weather center? Isn't this a waste of time until you get to where you tell me it's raining? Like, I. You're the ones who know.

[Brett Vesely]

We even have a weather center here.

[John Holmberg]

I mean, you know, we do have a weather center. It's vast.

[Larry McFeely]

At least lie and say you're in the eye of the storm.

[John Holmberg]

Right? Yeah. Oh, we're in the. It's super calm here in Ahwatuki, but all this carnage. Yeah. Holly Bach was driving around in that.

[Brady]

We're out in the weather. We don't know where it is.

[John Holmberg]

I'm like, you're the weather girl. What do you Mean, you don't know where the rain is?

[Brady]

We're looking for it.

[John Holmberg]

Well, that's not how this works. You've got computers. Oh, look.

[Brady]

Turn the windshield wipers on. We're making news.

[John Holmberg]

Yep, I could have done that. If I look outside, I know whether it's raining or not. Not that stupid. But I will watch Holly Bach drive around for a while. But that's bad because Hollybach's never on the camera. If Holly box on the, like, hood of the car. Now there you got something.

[Brett Vesely]

If it's a white snake video, sign me up.

[John Holmberg]

You put Holly Bach in a white shirt, no bra, and have her stand.

[Brady]

Outside and go night, rain check back later.

[John Holmberg]

Like, I will watch this news for hours.

[Brady]

It's. I felt a drop on my shoulder. Soon I might be totally wet.

[John Holmberg]

We'll be right back from the Lerner and Row weather center. Holly box standing outside in a white T shirt. We'll be right back.

[Larry McFeely]

It's definitely moist out here.

[John Holmberg]

You're gonna have these hot weather girls driving around. Put one outside.

[Brady]

We found it.

[John Holmberg]

And then she just lays in it and pouring rain on her.

[Brady]

Oh, it's raining. Look at me.

[John Holmberg]

Like, Christ, that's hot. Then you got Jared Dillingham and Yeta Gibson just sitting there like, Jesus Christ. Holly blocks practically naked. We're gonna check in with the for a reason. Meanwhile, you got Jorge Diaz or whatever that dude's name is over on channel. Jorge Torres. And the weather over in Mesa. It's gonna be 58 degrees in Guadalupe. My name is Jorge Torres. Calm down about yourself, Jorge. You folks moved here legally a long time ago. We don't need you rolling all the R's. You're George Torres now. Stop it.

[Brett Vesely]

He throws extra R's in too, just.

[John Holmberg]

Because if I were to spell his name the way he says it, it A O R R R R R R R R R H A Y Torres. Horror Torres. Halfway wait for him to put a red cape out, and a bull runs by him while he does the weather. Jorge Torres. It will be 80 degrees in Flagstaff, 69 in Sholo. I'm Jorge Torres. Did he just bust more cheaps? Yes. Jorge Torres. More chips. Yeah. He kills that name.

[Brett Vesely]

Oh, man. When he's doing the weather from the freeway to the parking lot, he's still saying his name.

[John Holmberg]

I'm like, holy. We just have a couple seconds there, Horge. Why don't you tell us what's going on in the East Valley? There is going to be monsoon. I'm horri need to really Calm down about yourself there, Jorge. Thanks for the weather report.

[Larry McFeely]

The weather's done on a matador green screen.

[John Holmberg]

He just reveals it after the Cape. Ah, Jorge Torres. Let's turn it over to my weather counterpoint. You just need your name if it's going to rain, what the temperature is going to be and we move on. I don't need you sounding like you just won. You know, Mexico's Mr. Olympia contest. Get Holly Bacon a white T shirt and have her standing out there saying it might rain. Worth 40% chance of rain. And you people are watching. Oh my God. Channel 3's you want people to go back to local news? There it is. Holmberg's morning sickness. Hollybach wet in a white T shirt.

[Brady]

It's raining.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, the potential. If there's anyone at all interested in somebody driving around in a car like Brett said, with the windshield wipers on. I tell you what, we can spruce this up a touch if you like watching a car get wet. Hold on. Hold your beer and wait for my idea.

[Larry McFeely]

From 4:00 clock to 10:00pm they'll be checking in with Holly throughout the night.

[John Holmberg]

All night.

[Larry McFeely]

Seeing it's raining.

[John Holmberg]

We interrupt this program to bring you Holly Box still standing outside.

[Brady]

It's not raining.

[John Holmberg]

We'll be right back with more of that later. Oh my God. Yes. Channel 15. Sup, twinks? I'm Jorge Torres. I'm outside in a white T shirt combating a drink of coffee. Sorry about that. That's the only thing they've got. Those goddamn bastards at Channel three. Have all the heteros. Torres, get a white tank top on and go outside with your cape. Try to summon some rain. I'm Jorge Torres. My nipples are showing. He's pouring rain. And Hori Torres is flamboyant, isn't he? Well, get him outside and make him wet.

[Larry McFeely]

He pick adores the locations. And Gilbert.

[John Holmberg]

Mesa. Yeah. Let's find out what's going on in Mesa from the kitty.

[Brett Vesely]

KB Weather.

[John Holmberg]

It's raining outside. If we're gonna do that with his name, let's make him telenovela. Jorge Torres. It's a very tough night outside. He's a cold reninimesa. And then have a lady. Come on. Just walk up in the middle of the report. What are you doing here?

[Brady]

I have your baby.

[John Holmberg]

Oh my God.

[Brady]

Shock.

[John Holmberg]

She's having my baby. What would my wife say? Then the lady comes out.

[Brady]

Jorge, are you telling me this is your mistress?

[John Holmberg]

Ay, dios mio. We'll be back with more weather after this. I'm Jorge Torres. Telenovela Weather. Sick of it. I'm sick of your stupid weather reports. Bring back Royal Norman and just give it to me straight or put Holly Bach outside. Goddammit. Quit driving around in a car. I know if it's raining at my house or not. I don't need you driving around. I need you to tell me if it's gonna not. You're searching for it. You search for rain. That means like, you're like. You're like those gold hunters. You don't know where anything is.

[Brady]

We think it might be over here.

[John Holmberg]

Idiots. Yeah, I tell you what, you get that Corey McCloskey in a white T shirt and you'll get the twink population rolling up. They like him. That tip, blonde hair and those. I saw him driving around once in a convertible, those fingerless driving gloves. And I just looked over and I went, oh, my God, there's Corey McCloskey from Channel 10 singing show tunes. Must have been. Yeah, yeah. Nobody will rain on my parade. Hey, Corey.

[Brady]

Hey, fan.

[John Holmberg]

No, no, no.

[Brett Vesely]

Turns into Brady.

[John Holmberg]

Come on, douche, take your gloves off. You're driving around, douche. Only a douche drives around with fingerless driving gloves, douche. Hey, fan. Yeah, howdy, fan. Okay, douche. He might be a nice guy and stuff, but the driving fingerless driving gloves immediately takes me from wanting to be friends with you. If I. If I'm hanging out with Brady and we're having a great day, like, this is fun. I like, this is a new friend. I think Brady's my new friend.

[Brady]

All right, well, time to go.

[John Holmberg]

And you strap on fingerless driving gloves to go home. I'm like, oh, what a shame. Can't go. Like, that's a date deal breaker for women too, right? You wouldn't, you know better, McCloskey, if he liked women? Not sure. 20, 25. Gonna go ahead and say, no. Most people on TV are homosexual. So he puts the driverless or the fingerless.

[Larry McFeely]

Was he the one that said, what are you driving?

[John Holmberg]

No, that was Passmore.

[Larry McFeely]

Yeah, that's right.

[John Holmberg]

Passmore pulled up to me in Bumblebee from Transformers. You like that Jeep? Are you serious? Yeah. Awesome. Passmore hit me. He may have. We may have. I knew who he was. He may have known that I'm a ra. My media person. But I'm not so sure because I was standing there with Thomas Wells from Scotland. The famous Thomas Wells. And we're putting the clubs in the back of the Jeep, and then you just hear. And then Bumblebee from Transformer. The yellow Camaro comes up behind Us. He had gloves on and he's stretching his fingers like he's. It's gonna be a rough road down Camelback, I tell you that. Better get my fingers prepared. So he's stretching his fingers and he goes, he does a glove tightening and he goes, you like that Jeep? And Thomas Wells is looking at me like, who's this? And I'm like, yeah, it's, you know, I bought it. So there was an affinity towards it, I guess. The day I put 70 grand to it, I suppose that means I liked it. I like Jeeps too. Just picked up this great, nice car. Cool. And he takes off my plane. Thomas Wells goes, why would anyone ask if you like the car you have?

[Brady]

Of course you do.

[John Holmberg]

Who's that douche like? Oh, he's a TV guy. They're all that way. I can understand.

[Larry McFeely]

He was asking me, you like that wagon?

[John Holmberg]

Subaru, Ford Tempo treating you right?

[Brady]

Yeah, it's the number one car for gray, nameless people. People without personalities. It's a pretty great car. I'm feeling pretty good about the dulling of my senses every time I get in it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I just picked up this bad boy. A lot of people think I'm Shia Laboof. I look a lot like the guy from Transformers in it. Cuz it's Bumblebee.

[Brady]

It's a long pass. More.

[John Holmberg]

Who's that douche? Who the hell asks the guy if he likes the Caddy bot.

[Brady]

Course you do.

[John Holmberg]

No, I hate this car. I absolutely hate it. I bought it because I want to just destroy my life.

[Larry McFeely]

You don't want one of these?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it's brand new too. He. But it was like my black Jeep, like the. That was the first month I had it. You like that thing? Is it brand? What do you think of it? I don't know. I bought it. You know what I don't do with it is put gloves on to drive it. What do you have like an oven in there? What are you doing?

[Larry McFeely]

At least when you're responding. He wasn't revving the engine so he couldn't.

[John Holmberg]

Every time I said so, I. You done? Anyway, get a good deal on it. I'm not gonna answer any more questions anyway. I gotta pass more over here. What does that mean? Oh, I. I use my name as a verb now I'm gonna pass more to the road and I'm gonna pass more home. Bye, Scott.

[Brett Vesely]

Like Ricky Henderson.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, it's not even third person. He just use it. It's his verbiage. That's why last night I was passmoring around the house, and then I decided to pass more into the kitchen. I'm like, you know what? I'm gonna get in the car, I'm gonna pass more over to the Circle K and grab myself couple of cooled, come back and do a little passmorin driving gloves. If you're wearing them right now, knock it off. Unless you're 80 and you've got the dumb little racing hat and the driving gloves, and people think you're adorable.

[Larry McFeely]

Skin condition.

[John Holmberg]

No. Then you get full gloves. If your fingers are poking out your skin, you don't even care about your skin condition.

[Larry McFeely]

True. They're fingerless. That's right.

[John Holmberg]

I want. If you get. If you got a skin condition, you should have, like, gloves up like, you know, like you're cleaning out the tampon box at Tony Roma's. Yellow hand all the way up to the elbow, like you're artificially inseminating a horse later. But if you're just driving around in the netted finger.

[Larry McFeely]

Just coming from working.

[John Holmberg]

Out, just coming from doing the weather. Corey, steering wheel gets kind of hot, right? You turn the air on and you let it cool off like all the rest of us. None of us are wearing those. It's not necessary. Idiot. It's like having. You know what it would be? This is the exact same douche factor as the fingerless driving gloves. And if you're in them, trust me, you need this talk. Somebody needed to destroy your life. If I. If I was sitting there and you got in a car with me and looked at me and I'm like, all right, ready to go? Sure. Let's get out of here. All right. And I put goggles on. It's the same thing as the driver, the fingerless gloves. Let me get my driving goggles ready. Just in case we start racing Herbie the Love Bug or something today.

[Larry McFeely]

You like that car?

[John Holmberg]

No.

[Larry McFeely]

What are you.

[John Holmberg]

Max, what are you benching right about now? I'm golfing. Clearly, I'm not benching much. I wouldn't be golfing and benching.

[Larry McFeely]

What's your swing speed?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I got mine up to about 109 up at the. You know, I gotta. Again, instructor puts me in the pod. 109. Cool. Anyway, go home and enjoy your wife. Sure. She's enjoyed shreking you for the last few years. I'm passmore in mine. My wife went past more a yellow, bright yellow Camaro. It was a. You know, they're nice cars.

[Larry McFeely]

Gotta head home in a hamster.

[John Holmberg]

No, I'd Say, a hamster is pretty great. I gotta like that. Get up there and get the moonroof so I can swing my passmore out and my wife's under here. Get some water. Yeah. News people, for the most part are buttholes. Mark Curtis is nice. Troy Hayden's nice. There's a few of them I like. Ian Schwartz is awesome. But a lot of them are buttholes. Weirdos. Just flat weirdos, but dry. If you're again, and I think this is a PSA, if you're Mexican and you're rolling your Rs every time you talk to one of us, knock it off. Because I don't tell people. Like, yeah, I have to go back to my family reunion in Mount Jewett. The hone back family reunion is gonna happen and I don't go. Swedish accent with name. How come you Larry doesn't tell people? I got to go to the McFeely house this weekend. Larry McFeely, the Das Bogan reunion.

[Brady]

We're going back to Columbus House. Are gonna have a nice treat. Do some Schnitzer.

[John Holmberg]

Knock it off. Every word's from somewhere else. We don't need that. You're off. Asian people don't do it. They can't help it sometimes. But if you're like, hey, I mean, Tang up there at Viet Shack is whatever. He isn't even not exactly going, hey, welcome in. My name is Tong. I was just doing it to come. What do you do that for? Oh, it's native to. It's the way you say it in my. You're in Chandler, man. Just say Tong.

[Brady]

I'm she watching time y tongue.

[John Holmberg]

How you doing? You can call me Tong. I'm gonna. I might call you Keith. Let's get a wake up song, shall we? 5-859-800 and get a good one. We'll scream it together. It's 98Kp.

[Brady]

Wake up. It's not weird.

[John Holmberg]

It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fee. I have heard enough of this.