08-28-25 - Doing The Math John Wonders If His Self Love Has Produced Equivalent Of A Water Pallet BO

Summary

Episode Overview

Theme:
This episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness (08-28-25) takes a candid and comedic deep dive into the uniquely personal (and somewhat disturbing) topic of "self-love math." Host John Holmberg wonders aloud whether his lifetime of masturbation could collectively fill a pallet of water bottles—a question that launches an unexpectedly enthusiastic round of calculations and banter among the crew. The conversation veers through reflections on growing up, Catholic guilt, odd first experiences, and how pop culture fueled youthful sexuality. All topics are seasoned with the crew's signature irreverent humor.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Pallet Math of Self-Love

• Host John Holmberg opens by reading a listener’s question, inspired by an earlier announcement of his 42 years of “tugging.” The listener asks if the cumulative output could fill a water pallet ([01:42]).
• Holmberg sets the timeline: 42 years, starting around his 10th birthday—about 15,348 days.
  • “There is no way I have not averaged one a day for these 42 years.” (John Holmberg [01:56])
• The crew gets nerdy with the math:
  • Brady does the calculations: one ounce per incident is the working average.
  • 15,348 ounces translates to roughly 120 gallons.
    • “I took 15,348 divided by 128... 119.91 gallons.” (Brady [03:54])
  • That’s about 1,279 12-ounce bottles, or just over half a pallet.
    • “So, you’ve done about half of the pal--” (Brady [04:22])
    • “42 years to pull half a pallet of my insides out, right?” (John Holmberg [04:25])
  • Holmberg vows: “Challenge accepted!” ([05:31])

The Body’s Marvels & The “Pallet Jack Challenge”

• Discussion about the human body’s recurring ability:
  • “The body’s amazing. The fact that it regenerates... you wait a little bit, you got more.” (John Holmberg [06:10])
• They dub his quest the “John’s Pallet Jack Challenge”, mock-sponsored by Icon Equipment ([06:18]).

Shame, First Times, and Catholic Upbringings

• Crew swaps stories about their first experiences:
  • John admits not remembering the date, but the anxiety and confusion are clear memories ([10:43]).
  • Brady confesses to “dry humping” during his Catholic school years, linking guilt to his abstention from direct masturbation ([12:50], [13:03]).
  • The crew pokes fun at each other's shame and self-discovery routines, playfully calling out Catholic guilt and the logic behind “not touching it” ([13:10]).

Sexual Awakening & Cultural Influences

• John reminiscences about early triggers—Playboy, Sears lingerie catalogs, TV beauty pageants, and advancements like VCRs making things even easier ([15:00]).
  • “At first, it was pages… then it was probably a Playboy or two… and then technology caught up and you could tape anything.” (John Holmberg [15:00])
• The tone is always bawdy but self-deprecating—everyone is in on the joke, listeners included.

Notable Quotes & Running Jokes

• Nickname birth: “I’m gonna start calling you half pallet because that’s a great nickname… have a seat, let’s talk.” (Listener comment relayed by Holmberg [07:46])
• Perspective: “I don’t think there’s anything I’ve done for 42 years other than being a Steeler fan.” (John Holmberg [08:53])
• No remorse: “Do not start emailing me your time. I don’t care. I don’t want to hear it.” (John Holmberg [17:24])

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Memorable Moments & Quotes by Timestamp

• 01:56 & 04:25 – The math: John confidently claims a daily average; with Brady’s help, he reaches the “half pallet” milestone.
• 06:18 – “John’s Pallet Jack challenge. Sponsored by Icon Equipment.” (The calculated absurdity of it all.)
• 07:46 – “Half pallet—why do they call you that? Let’s talk.” (Listener’s proposed legendary nickname.)
• 10:43 – The ‘first time’ stories begin, mixing embarrassment and humor.
• 12:50 – 13:03 – Catholic guilt and first experiences, with Brady’s iconic “dry humping” confession.
• 15:00 – The evolution of erotic influences, from catalog pages to beauty pageants to VCRs: “At first, it was pages… then Playboy… then technology.”
• 17:24 – John lays down the law: no emails about listeners’ own “totals.”

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Important Timestamps

• 01:42 – 06:11
  The Pallet Math Segment: Extensive, detailed calculation of Holmberg's “output,” including gallons, bottles, and cases.
• 10:13 – 14:36
  First Experience Stories: The hosts and crew discuss how and when they first discovered self-love, peppered with jokes about guilt and awkwardness.
• 15:00 – 16:21
  Pop Culture and Sexual Awakening: Exploration of old-school triggers and the evolution of “material.”

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The Crew’s Chemistry & Tone

• The conversation is trademark irreverent and self-aware—vulgar but rarely mean-spirited. They make a farcical science out of masturbation calculations and delight in skewering each other’s discomfort, especially when it comes to Catholic guilt and early awakenings.
• While gross-out humor is plentiful, the episode is ultimately an exercise in group nostalgia and genuine camaraderie about universal experiences.

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Conclusion

This episode of Holmberg’s Morning Sickness revels in juvenile, audacious humor, using cheeky math as a launching point for surprisingly relatable discussions about adolescence, guilt, pop culture, and the sheer oddness of being human. For listeners, it’s both a window into the crass wit of Holmberg and his crew and an invitation to laugh at life's most private (and awkward) milestones.

Transcript

[A]

You're listening to the HMS Podcast, brought to you by MMP Guns.com, your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories.

[B]

Hey, everybody, it's John Holmberg from the Morning Sickness talking to Shane Orlando from Orlando Auto Body. Now, Shane, I take great pride in saying I stand with someone when I tell a listener to go to their shop. I know why. You tell me what's different for a KUPD listener to go to Orlando Auto Body than anywhere else? Well, first of all, we've been in the Valley here for over 34 years. We do a quality job. We work for you, not the insurance companies. So we can work together to make sure your listeners are getting the customer service they deserve. If your car's been wrecked and you need that thing fixed the right way, get on over there now. Orlandoautobody.com hey, you want to win $979?

[C]

Well, check this out. Handle the Heat is back with another chance to win and another chance to check out a Holmberg special on the menu at Native Grill and Wings. That's right, join the HMS Crew at Native Grill and Wings during one of our four Uberus for a chance to participate in Handle the Heat. That's Holmberg's hot wing eating contest. For details on all the contest rules, head to 98kupd.com Think you can handle the heat? Well, bring your appetite and find out. It's all brought to you by Native Grill and Wings.

[D]

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[B]

Chew and poop. That's all they do. That's all they're good for. Chewing and pooping the best of Homburg's morning sickness. This is the big red radio. This guy says, John, you announced earlier this morning and made me think about it that you have now surpassed 42 years tugging. Do you think you could match up a pallet? You've seen them now with the operation hydration, what a pallet of water looks like. Do you think you could have matched up a pallet for everything you've done in those 42 years. And now I have to wonder. So I did a little math and just say it started on my birthday, for argument's sake. It's been 15,348 days since my 10th birthday. Shortly thereafter, I discovered my piece. And it's in its special purpose. There is no way I have not averaged one a day for these 42 years.

[A]

You're Nathan Johnson. You found your special purpose.

[B]

That's 15, 348, at least. There's no way I'm under that number. Fanduel would not put an under on that because after breakups and stuff, there were days where it was like six, seven times a day. I've been sick a couple of times and even still managed to rip one out. So on average, without a doubt.

[E]

15,000. What?

[B]

I think it was 15,348. Yeah. And I don't know how to do the math on what is 15. Is it an ounce? So it's an ounce, right?

[E]

Yeah. So let's.

[B]

2,348. Can't believe Brady's helping me with it. You never thought this would be part of your job. How many? Well, that's it. I just asked the phone how many gallons? Okay, you got it?

[E]

I got almost 120 gallons.

[B]

120 gallons. That can't be right. 15.

[E]

I took 15,348 divided by 128.

[B]

How many gallons is 15? 348 ounces. 119.91 gallons. All right, so that's.

[A]

I rounded up 15. 360 ounces.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

So how many. How many bottles? So they're 12 ounce bottles.

[B]

Oh my. 12.253.5 gallons in a pallet. Oh, no kidding.

[A]

So you've done about half of the pal.

[B]

I got half.

[E]

Yeah, you got a half.

[B]

You better keep working. We got to build numbers up. 42 years to pull half a pallet of my insides out, right?

[E]

You want to know how many beers you can get out of that?

[B]

Okay, wait, hold on. Yeah.

[E]

You can get 12, 79 beers. All right, 12 ounce beers?

[B]

Yeah, 12.

[E]

About 53 cases.

[B]

So if it's 12 ounces bottles of water, and I think they're 16, but we'll go with 12. It's 1279 bottles.

[E]

Yeah, 53. A little over 53 cases of bottles or beers.

[B]

How many years in? There's 100 cases in a pallet or 100 bottles. Dollars more than a bottle. Yeah. So it's 53 case of 1212 is the case. I'm thinking of the big water.

[E]

24.

[B]

Still 12. 79 full bottles.

[E]

Costco pallets. You have six levels.

[B]

Yeah. Of eight cases at 40 bottles. Okay, so you got 48. Yeah. You got 48 cases. That's amazing. 40 bottles.

[A]

Gotta build those numbers up a little bit, man.

[B]

It's pretty good.

[A]

We need a ca. We need a pallet.

[B]

Every day we need a pallet over here. Yeah. So I. I have 21 years to do it twice. Don't you dare say it's impossible. Challenge accepted. Don't you even dare to. The challenge will be. I would. Not only that, I'm coming in hot and I'm gonna break that down. You give me 21 years to pull off two a days. I'm gonna come in there in about 18 years. Literally by my 70th birthday, I'll have a full pallet drawn in for you. That's remarkable amount of release. Pretty awesome.

[A]

The body's amazing.

[B]

It is the fact that it regenerates the refract. Refractive period. That is. You wait a little bit, you got more. But.

[E]

So it's John's Pallet Jack challenge.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sponsored by Icon Equipment, our official sponsors of pallets. My pallet go to the T. That's right. Luke, you're in on that. These two little guys down here, since I decided to say, what do you do? And they showed me 42 years ago, 15,348 times they've said, let's do this. That doesn't even count the at least a hundred times I've had sex. And all the times that I've been drunk and couldn't pull one off. But I've made up for that. Days I've missed have been made up for. I guarantee you I'm one. I'm. I've hit at least one a day for the entire time. I just like it a lot. On average. You know, even in your most sexually active times. That's when I did it most. When you, you know, when I was the first. First girlfriend that actually had like, you know, she let you do the stuff to her. We're going at it like crazy. When she wasn't around, that's all I was thinking about. So I was at least one today. So 15,348. That's a pretty. That's a remarkable. Like, you know, the people always say have a little self reflection. Nobody ever thinks of that. That's some self reflect. Brady. This would be like you trying to figure out how many Pounds of macaroni you've had since the first time you had macaroni.

[E]

Well, get the pallets out.

[B]

I know you're gonna surpass my half a pallet of man seed, but. And that's an amazing thing. Now everybody's gonna be at home Atwood working on that and this. And Scott says first, I'll never be able to look at a gallon of milk the same way. Why did you convert it to gallons, you prick? And I'm gonna start calling you half pallet because that's a great nickname. I like that. Half palate would be something I'd have to. Why do people call you half palate? Have a seat. Let's talk. So it should take me at 2 a days, another 10 years to get another quarter pallet in. Get on it. All right. I gotta talk to Fitz about these bluechews. That's. And that's if we're averaging one ounce per hit. Probably.

[A]

Usually the second one isn't as. Oh, that's, you know, isn't as full.

[B]

So that's true. So probably balances back. Yeah, yeah. All right. Half pallet old half pallet Holmberg they call me. That's what started last 42 years.

[E]

Half pallet club.

[B]

I don't think there's anything I've done for 42 years other than being a Steeler fan. I think those are the only two things that have followed me all the way through my life for 42 years.

[A]

Well, Cubs fan up till last year.

[B]

Yeah, see I dumped that upd.

[C]

Hey, you want to win $979? Well, check this out. Handletheheat is back with another chance to win and another chance to check out a Holmberg special on the menu at Native Grillin Wings. That's right. Join the HMS crew at Native Grillin Wings during one of our 4U brews for a chance to participate in Handle the Heat. That's Holmberg's hot wing eating contest. For details on all the test rules, head to 98kupd.com think you can handle the heat? Well, bring your appetite and find out. It's all brought to you by Native Grill and Wings.

[E]

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[B]

Holmberg's morning sickness. I knew my buddy Stebbings, though. I've known him for that long, so he is my human equivalent of jacking off. Jerk mate. He's my jerk mate. That's about it. That's. What a moment. What a moment for. You know, think about that today. How many times? Like, when did. Just everybody kind of. You remember the first time you.

[A]

Yeah, but I don't know.

[B]

The date. Yeah, but, you know, I remember. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Where was it?

[A]

I think it was in my bed.

[B]

I was just like, what's that? Oh, see? Yeah. Accidentally. Yeah.

[A]

Kind of know what was going on.

[B]

I didn't tug it the first couple times it happened. It came from stressful situations and my body would just go. Mine just showed up. I'm like, what.

[E]

What is this?

[B]

I have no. You know, mine happened at a little league game. And at fourth grade, I had an assignment due that I thought was I had another day for. And she let me scramble to finish it, and it was gonna take me a long time. So I stayed after school and I started stressing out and getting real anxious. Not only that. Finished. I didn't touch it. Didn't touch a thing. And then I'm like. And then I had a cigarette and I'm in front of Ms. Lucane. Let's say you and I go get dinner after I finish this assignment about Andrew Jackson.

[A]

Gully passed me a marble.

[B]

How you doing? You seem awfully relaxed for a kid who was crying a second ago. I don't know what happened, but I feel great right now. Oh, and then once in Little League, I was having. I hit a kid with a baseball. I lost control. I was pitching and I lost control. And that's one thing I always had, was good control. And I didn't have it. And my coach yelled at me for hitting a kid. Two kids, actually. And I sat on the bench and he said, you're not playing the next three innings. Because he thought I did it on purpose, which I didn't. I just lost control. I just hadn't. I had nothing on my arm. And I remember starting to cry. I was third or fourth grade, so I'm getting yelled at by this guy. And I started to get real frustrated, started to cry, and the next thing you know, I'm like. Then I had a cigarette. I'm like, you Know what, Coach Gonzalez? You're right. You make a good point about that. You know, I lost a little control out there. I didn't do that on purpose, as accused. But I see things so clearly now. That's very mature. I know. I don't know what just happened over there, but I need a towel and another smoke, if you don't mind. And I know you've got them. Yeah. So those were the two times. And then the first time in the tub when I was like, oh, that's what that is. I can do this myself. I don't have to get to the most anxious, horrible feelings, and I have my body shut down and then do that. I can make this happen. Look out, Brady. 40 years.

[E]

It wasn't solo.

[B]

Pardon?

[E]

Dry humping.

[B]

Oh, that's your first time. Oh, yeah. But you don't. What is that? We're talking about solo. When is your.

[E]

Well, that's when it happened then. But of course that's the reason why is like, you don't do that. I mean, growing up, do you knew about Catholic?

[B]

I didn't even know. No.

[E]

I discovered all of a sudden when that happened, like, wow.

[B]

But dry humping, you were okay with being Catholic?

[E]

Oh, yeah. Not touching my touch.

[B]

You go to hell.

[A]

They were exposed in between.

[E]

We're okay right off the bat. So there's a lot of dry soaking.

[B]

Yeah. So you never touched it even after that?

[E]

Oh, eventually.

[B]

Well, sure, eventually. That's what we're asking. What do you mean? So. All right, hostile witness. Where's the judge?

[E]

So I don't recall.

[B]

You remember the first time you tugged it?

[E]

No.

[B]

The great shame you had to feel. You blocked that.

[E]

No, I didn't because I didn't have. I. You know, the shame that you thought you'd have didn't happen.

[B]

You had to. That's why you held off so long. Was great shame.

[E]

No, because, like, the curiosity was. You just was happening. I mean, again, that first experience was that Right.

[B]

But you just saw the reason you didn't do it is because of Catholic guilt.

[E]

It might have been.

[B]

You're the only one that can answer questions about you.

[E]

I was trying to figure that out because I'm like, well, after that, I just wouldn't do that because I would just had a girlfriend at the time, so she was.

[B]

It was. So that was it. Every time she came by, it had.

[E]

To have been a time after, you.

[B]

Know, because having the girlfriend is when I'm like, I got to do this all the time. Yeah. Yeah. Like, she's the One who made me go, all right, if she's not around, I want to do this like nine times a day. So I was doing it more because I had a girlfriend was driving me crazy. That, you know. Anyway. 42 years, half a pallet, 1279 bottles.

[A]

Things you learn on this show.

[B]

That's right. I bet you never heard Beth McDonald's story the first time she tugged that mammoth.

[C]

She's got pallets.

[B]

Oh, that lady's got pallets. Plus, she's in her 80s, and that tank definitely has. It's a fire hose, so it has to produce 10 times what I do. There wouldn't be one thirsty homeless guy in this city if she decided to donate. Anyway, if Toledo was like your listener earlier and had sex with a girl and then saw a picture of his dad on her counter, would he keep banging the cousin just to find out what his dad was really like? Because you know what? Toledo doesn't have any pictures of him and his dad. People are horrible in all the right ways. This guy says, how many years of Sears catalogs lingerie sections did you use? Oh, no. Oh, no. I was creative. Sears, the lingerie catalogs? No, at first it was pages. At first it was just sheer excitement of what was going on. I didn't even know what to imagine. And then it was probably a Playboy or two got involved. And that's when it was all the visual fun. And then, you know, technology caught up. A couple of years later, you got VCRs in the house. I could tape anything I wanted. Shortly after that, started to realize that sweeps month was February, November. And that's when a lot of girls on TV in bikinis started to happen. Beauty pageants, which, by the way, Brady mentioned earlier that tonight, Miss Sunday, this weekend, Miss USA or Miss America. Which one?

[E]

Miss usa.

[B]

Miss usa. The good one.

[A]

Watching on TV scrambled and hoping for a boob or something to show up.

[B]

That's all it took. It's great. Anyway, thank you for last. Last week was my birth celebration. This week is my anniversary of taking myself to Tug down. Oh, what the hell, he's back. Hey, babies. I forgot to tell you something. You know, it's the political season. And I completely forgot to let y' all know where I stand, who I'm behind. You know what I'm saying? But so far, I haven't made any decisions. The president is kind of a tough one for me, you know. Cause of his family and stuff. God damn. Some of those girls little thin for my taste.

[C]

But I will say this.

[B]

I was With a big fat white woman last night. And she said, rico, tell me where you stand. And I thought about it for a second right before I told her I realized I'm voting for Kamala. Cause my answer was Kamala all over that white ass. So that's my official endorsement.

[A]

That's where you stand.

[B]

I stand all three legs right behind you, baby. Prepare for a little Kamala endorsement. Cause I'm Kamala all over you. Who there? He's coming back in. Who? This new phone. Sorry, Rico wanted to point that out. That. That's disgusting. All right? And by the way, emails. Do not start emailing me your time. I don't care. I don't want to hear it.

[E]

You're gonna get some emails right now. I. I don't like Rico anymore. Don't bring him in.

[B]

Yeah, because he. Yeah, people won't get it. Oh, really good lip cup bearing a Kamala. I knew he was a lib. Probably hangs out with Toledo and stuff.

[E]

You started a war, man.

[B]

Oh, let the war begin then, baby. Because guess what? You can't do def the police. All right? That's what I'm saying.

[E]

Hey, it's not weird.

[B]

It's pretty cool actually. No membership fees. I have heard enough of this.

[A]

Hey, Byron, I heard you have something new to announce from MMP Guns, Brett.

[B]

I sure do.

[F]

It's M and P Guns. Customs M and P Guns is creating some amazing firearms. We offer polishing, plating, bluing, custom laser engra, laser stippling, cerakoting and performance upgrades. We do everything in house with our master trained craftsmen. You can select our designs or make up your own.

[A]

Well, can you do this to my gun?

[F]

We can do it to nearly any firearm. Doesn't matter where you live, you can ship it to us or we already have completed firearms in inventory daily with no weight.

[A]

Well, there you have it. MMP guns on the northeast corner of 12th street and Indian School or online at mmpgunscustoms.com alright, HMS podcast time again.

[C]

It'll let you know where to go for some great comedy in the valley this week. Well, just in case you haven't been paying attention, or if you've been, MI will let you know that Frank Caliendo is going to be performing at the Desert Ridge improv this Friday and Saturday night. So tune in. Frank's going to be in with the guys all week long. And just maybe we'll have tickets for you to go catch Frank live up north at Desert Ridge for the complete lineups. And for tickets, go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com.

[B]

And tempeimprov.com it's John Holmberg here from 98KUPD and I've got Bode from newac unit.com this guy is flipping the H vac world upside down. Bode, tell them what you're doing.

[G]

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[B]

Visit newacunit.com and see your price before you buy.

[G]

New acunit.com no pressures, no surprises, just savings.