Holmberg’s Morning Sickness – "Revisiting the Term Cheese Panties" (08-28-25)

Main Theme & Purpose

In this episode, the HMS crew (John Holmberg, Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo) enthusiastically revisit the origins of the term "cheese panties," a phrase that bizarrely became part of their show lore in 2020. Sparked by listener emails and some uniquely vivid stories, the crew embarks on a hilariously candid and occasionally cringeworthy exploration of underwear hygiene, the interactions between men and women, and the strange realities of trying on undergarments. The tone remains classic HMS—irreverent, entertaining, and willing to go where other morning shows won’t.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Olympic Games Start Unlikely Conversations

• Italian Gymnast’s Cheese Splits ([02:00])
  • The crew jokes about an Italian gymnast doing splits on parmesan cheese wheels, leading to a wild theory about her family’s cheese-making background.
  • "She's doing the splits on a bunch of rolls of cheese, and they're like, this is her other passion. Now, the danger of that is she might be 11, but she could also be, like, 33." – John ([02:29])
  • The segment devolves into discussion of how the Olympics yearly seem like "a sexual fever dream for viewers," with athletes’ bodies fueling media narratives.

2. The Swimmer “Chub” Conspiracy

• Observations about male swimmers’ appearances after leaving the pool feed into the panel’s ongoing jokes about sexualizing athletes, global warming, and how “dick gets bigger” in current conditions. ([03:12])
• "Global warming makes the dick bigger. ... Now I'm a Republican. I'm spraying aerosol in the air." – John ([03:23])

3. The Cheese Panties Genesis Story

• Recall of the Original "Cheese Panties" Bit ([04:45], [12:12])
  • Listeners email to remind the crew of where the term came from—originally from a Kraft singles recall involving plastic stuck to slices, which the crew dubbed “cheese panties.”
  • "What panties are is the last line of defense between you and seeing the honey hole ... The last barrier between heaven and his mouth is that stupid plastic around it." – John ([12:24])
  • Extensive riffing ensues on the danger of eating cheese slices with the wrapper and how Brady’s passion for cheese provided plenty of comedic material.

4. Disgusting Underwear Anecdotes

• Gross-out stories about “sneeze panties” ([05:29]), encountering used underwear on a lover’s bedroom floor, and the overall perils of communal panty situations.
• Notable exchange about green-stained panties found in a woman’s apartment, leading to “Persona non grata” status for years afterward.
  • "There's some underwear on the ground here, and it's green. ... The front part. Oh, I think she sneezes in 'em." – John ([05:49])

5. Women’s Underwear Try-On Rituals Exposed

• Victoria’s Secret and the “Barrier Panty" Bin ([13:08], [14:48])
  • John describes witnessing a friend’s girlfriend trying on underwear using special disposable panties provided by the store.
  • Details how, particularly in "swamp crotch Arizona," this is a necessary precaution, conjuring up images of decades when women would try on panties without any barrier, spreading various unpleasantness.
  • "In the underwear world for women, they try them on with, like, a box that's outside of the try on area of just wadded up weird temporary panties." – John ([14:19])
• The crew laughs about the difference between buying men's (packaged like cheese) and women's underwear, and the lack of similar protections for men.

6. Gross-Outs and Gender Differences

• Discussion of why men’s underwear habits are “cooler,” citing the simplicity and lack of risk compared to women's.
  • “Our underwear comes in a cellophane package, like cheese. And we're pretty sure this is gonna work out. That’s it.” – John ([16:17])
• Revelations from a listener whose wife manages a Victoria’s Secret: Hundreds of pairs "damaged out" due to women leaving underwear gross after trying them on. ([19:07])

7. Grindr and Gender Transactions

• Side tangent about using Grindr, male sexuality, and how men are “cooler” and more direct about sex and even offering money for acts ([07:08], [08:09]).
  • "Any dude that says, I'll blow you and I'll give you a few bucks for it, that's just—I'm intrigued." – John ([07:08])
  • The crew laments the lack of financial offers from women and jokes about how easy Grindr makes getting attention (and possibly money).

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Olympic Sexiness:
  "All I've discovered is the Olympics are all just basically some sort of sexual fever dream for the viewers." – John ([03:01])

• On the Origin of Cheese Panties:
  "Cheese panties came from a story we did last year about Kraft singles. ... The last barrier between heaven and his mouth is that stupid plastic around it." – John ([12:24])

• On Panty Swapping:
  "Putting on someone else's cheese panties is horrifying." – John ([13:13])

• On Wearing Women’s Underwear:
  "Your balls pop out of there like somebody’s squeezing the life out of a hamster." – John ([17:21])

• On Victoria’s Secret Try-ons:
  "Why did she tell you that it's somebody else's…big whoop." – John ([18:03])

• Listener Email:
  "My wife is a manager of Victoria's Secret and they have to damage out ridiculous amounts of underwear because disgusting women try them on and leave them all gross." – Listener Email ([19:07])

• On Disposable Barrier Panties:
  "You want the whole bin. I want the bin. I keep it in my bedroom and I just dunk my head in it like I'm bobbing for apples." – John ([20:40])

Timestamps for Important Segments

| Timestamp | Topic | |-----------|-------| | 02:00 | Italian gymnast splits on cheese; jokes about origins of term | | 03:12 | Sexualizing Olympic athletes; “global warming makes the dick bigger” | | 04:45 | First "cheese panties" callback | | 05:29 | Story about “sneeze panties” and disgusting underwear finds | | 12:12 | Real origin of "cheese panties": Kraft singles recall explained | | 13:13 | Anecdote about putting on someone else's panties | | 14:48 | In-store “barrier panties” discussion; hygiene in women’s underwear | | 16:17 | Men’s underwear compared to cheese packaging; simplicity and cleanliness | | 17:21 | Comedy about trying on women’s frilly underwear as a man | | 19:07 | Listener email about gross try-ons at Victoria’s Secret | | 20:40 | Jokes about buying bins of barrier panties | | 07:08-09:54 | Grindr stories and gendered transactional dynamics in hookup culture |

Tone & Language

The group maintains their trademark blend of directness, playfulness, raunch, and affectionate teasing. Discussion is energetic, irreverent, and sometimes pushes boundaries, but it’s delivered with the self-awareness and comedic timing longtime listeners expect.

Conclusion

If you missed this episode, you missed an uproarious HMS deep dive into the weird world of "cheese panties," complete with listener horror stories, behind-the-scenes lingerie retail details, and a brutally honest exploration of men’s and women’s underwear cultures. The crew’s chemistry, quick wit, and penchant for tackling the awkward or gross make this segment-rich recap a memorable entry in the cheese-stained tapestry of HMS lore.