08-29-25 - FULL SHOW - FRIDAY - Holmbergs Morning Sickness 98 KUPD

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness – Arizona’s #1 Morning Radio Show

Episode: 08-29-25 – FULL SHOW – FRIDAY
Date: August 29, 2025
Hosts: John Holmberg, Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo
Podcast: 98KUPD | Hubbard Radio

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Episode Overview

This Friday’s episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness delivers a characteristically wild, irreverent, and darkly hilarious take on Arizona’s local news, weird history, personal listener stories, relationship scandals, and signature riffing among the hosts. The episode veers from crowd-pleasing absurdity—like the “Ugly Law” of early America—to deeply personal and awkward listener drama, all delivered with the show's tag-team banter. Classic segments include off-the-rails science news, entertainment headlines, and the “Guadalupe Squares” with a guest turn by Brady doing impressions.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

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[03:49] Absurd History: America’s Ugly Law

Theme: The bizarre “ugly laws” that once banned people with disabilities or unattractive features from public spaces.

• John recounts a real historical law—nicknamed “the ugly law”—which banned “unsavory-looking” people from public for “health reasons.”
• Banter about how societal standards of beauty and ignorance about disease fueled these laws.
  • John: “Back then they didn’t know about germs … There weren’t soaps. Women’s hygiene wasn’t invented ‘til the mid-30s. They just stuffed socks and potato sacks in there.”
• Improv sketches: The crew act out old Irish cops enforcing the ugly law; talk about how radio would’ve been the only job for “ugly” people.
• Impacts: John brings up how the law affected disabled street vendors, and famous historical figures (FDR, Rocky Dennis).
• Memorable segues: Jokes about “Noseboy,” circus sideshows, and 1930s feminine hygiene.
  • [08:40] John: “What can he smell? You’re menstruating. He’s a heretic! He banged the Noseboy!”
• Punchline: Speculation that “ugly laws” morphed into today's social prejudices.

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[21:59] Recurring Listener Saga: Gary, the Brain Tumor, and the Cheating Wife

Theme: An update on the ongoing saga of “Gary”—a listener diagnosed with a brain tumor who discovered his wife’s affair.

• Background: Gary recently found photos proving his wife was cheating with their neighbor—who had also heroically driven Gary to the hospital after a dizzy spell related to his tumor.
• The story escalates: Holmberg reads Gary’s emails describing how the cheating neighbor apologized and explained how he was actually waiting for Gary’s wife, not to help Gary.
• [24:42] John: “If it wasn’t for your wife constantly blowing the neighbor, dude would have been in his house ... while you wandered into traffic. Whoring saves lives.”
• Extensive riffing: The hosts joke about sad silver linings ("at least you lived"), proper etiquette for cheating neighbors, and brainstorm podcast ideas like “Whose Mouth Was That?” and "Gary & Matt."
• [28:36] Advice to cheaters: “Delete the pictures of you eating wang in your phone, like, immediately!”
• Listeners email in character, escalating the saga with jokes about “GoFundMe” accounts vs “Go F Me” accounts, and brainstorm titles for Gary’s story.
• Ongoing engagement: The crew encourage Gary to keep updating and consider pitching the saga as a podcast or radio reality show.

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[39:30] Other Listener Letters: Voyeur Stories and Neighborhood Nudity

• A father’s “confession” about his teenage son pleasuring himself while watching the neighbor’s naked daughter in the pool.
  • The dad admits he "almost joined in," sparking jokes about suburban voyeurism and boundary-setting.
• Advice and mockery: The hosts advise not to confront neighbors and enjoy the “show” while summer lasts, unless photographic evidence warrants police action.
• [61:04] John recounts: “My buddy…[said] the neighbor’s daughter and her boyfriend just cut down all the trees. He sent me pictures. I might get no work done at all.”

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[64:45] The Brady Report: Fun Facts, Dumbest Historical Moves, and Science News

• Quick Facts:
  • [65:18] Vancouver’s Stanley Park is 10% larger than Central Park (“They gave them…squirrels. That is the most ignorant thing…”)
  • The first recorded “tailgate” was at the battle of Bull Run, 1861.
• Science News (73:53):
  • Black rings in the Virginia sky spark UFO panic; more likely smoke rings.
  • Excessive caffeine and energy drink use linked to heart damage.
  • Super roaches—cockroaches adapting to pesticides.
  • NASA’s proposal for a “hover train on the moon” (and the panel's skepticism).
  • “ChatGPT doesn’t pose a serious threat to society—yet!” (Mocking tone: “That’s what ChatGPT would tell you!” [75:09])
  • Gel developed that can prevent you from getting drunk (crew jokes about the dangers and consequences).

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[92:00] “Slur of Passion” Segment: Sports, Insults, and Outrage

Theme: The suspension of a Boston Red Sox player for using a homophobic slur at a heckling fan.

• John proposes nuance in how society responds to slurs said “in the heat of the moment”—suggesting a “slur of passion” category (like “crime of passion” in law).
  • [93:41] John: “When will we have a slur of passion? Forgiveness of the slur of passion. It wasn’t premeditated.”
• The hosts lambast the “outrage industrial complex,” especially in Boston, ribbing the hypocrisy of suspensions, and the way Boston fans use slurs as a form of greeting.
• “Everybody needs a word” riff—how groups turn slurs into community identifiers, referencing racial and LGBTQ terms.
  • [96:31] John: “Boston is the home of the slur. The original House of Slur is Boston, Massachusetts.”
• Broadening out, they play out scenarios where if car rage was monitored (“slur of passion insurance tax”), most people would be penniless and permanently suspended.
• [111:51] John: “That is the crime of passion. That is...the slur of passion. It needs to be called that.”
• The cast riffs about how everyone, in private, says outrageous things, especially in traffic.

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[122:59] Entertainment & Pop Culture Stories

• Heated discussion of local ad campaigns—obsessing over the plot (or lack thereof) in a commercial featuring “Tasha and the genie.”
  • [124:14] John: “I can’t tear myself away. I’m in on Tasha and the genie...You’ve hypnotized me...”
• Jennifer Lopez’s vast “engagement ring collection” from multiple exes (tabulated and ranked).
• Top actors who fizzled after an initial “next big thing” splash (Taylor Lautner, Liam Hemsworth, Shailene Woodley, etc.).
• Ted Lasso Season 4 announced; hosts bemoan how the last season “sucked so bad.”

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[135:01] The Bradalupe Squares (Guadalupe Squares Special)

• Brady, usually not the impressionist, hosts and performs a gauntlet of celebrity impressions, including:
  • Joe Biden, Fat Elvis, Hulk Hogan, Donald Trump, Transparent Brady (a joke on transparency), “Lil Sebastian Maniscalco,” Kamala Harris, and Tripp Rabe.
• Banter ensues as John critiques/improvises alongside Brady’s attempts, with frequent callbacks to bits from the rest of the show.
• The “game” meanders, focusing less on correct answers and more on riffing and lampooning.

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• On America’s ugly laws:
  John (03:49): “I would never be in a restaurant in my life. To radio—like radio wasn’t even invented yet—I’d have just had to…Doordash didn’t exist, so I’d have to do takeout constantly in like a mask.”
• On Gary’s saga:
  John (24:42): "If it wasn’t for your wife constantly blowing the neighbor…you might be dead today, right?” Brett (28:44): “Did the guy apologizing say he was ever going to stop? Or at least, at the very least, wait for Gary’s tumor to finish the job before he goes back for his next blowy?”
• On modern outrage:
  John (93:41): “When will we have a slur of passion? [...] Bad words hurt people’s feelings. I should be above it. I’m not. None of us are.” John (96:31): “Boston is the home of the slur. The original House of Slur is Boston, Massachusetts.”
• Realism on relationships:
  John (48:02): “She’s got a ‘Go F Me’ account and evidently it’s been open for a while.”
• Science segment satire:
  Brady (75:06): “That’s what ChatGPT would tell you!”
  John (80:16): “We’re soon gonna have a nuclear expert on the show—bring out the best baby, bring out the Hellman’s!”
• Brady’s impressions:
  (various, [135:01] onward) – “Joe Biden,” “Fat Elvis,” “Lil Sebastian Maniscalco,” and more.
• On voyeur neighbors:
  John (61:04): “My buddy… said the neighbor’s daughter and her boyfriend just cut down all the trees. He sent me pictures. I can’t get any work done at all.”

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Timestamps for Memorable Segments

• 03:49 – Absurd U.S. Ugly Laws Segment
• 21:59 – Gary’s Cheating Wife/Brain Tumor Saga
• 39:30 – Listener Letter: The Voyeur Son and Naked Neighbor
• 64:45 – The Brady Report and Science News Segment
• 73:53 – Science: Super Roaches, Hovertrains and Mayonnaise Power
• 92:00 – “Slur of Passion”/Boston Red Sox Outrage Discourse
• 122:59 – Wild Ad Campaign Banter & Entertainment Drill
• 135:01 – The Bradalupe Squares (Brady’s Impressions)

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Tone & Style

Unfiltered, dark, and playfully offensive. The hosts riff openly about life’s ugliest realities, history’s oddities, and listeners’ misfortunes—mixing improv, sarcasm, compassionate advice, and relentless mockery.

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Takeaway

This episode is a masterclass in comedic radio chaos. Whether it’s riffing on obsolete “ugly laws,” dissecting modern outrage culture, wading into wild listener confessions, or failing (gleefully) at impressions in The Guadalupe Squares, the Morning Sickness team embraces the messy, raunchy, and painfully real—always with Arizona flavor.

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Missed the episode? With this summary, you’ll know all the wildest stories, darkest jokes, and signature riffing that make Holmberg's show a Phoenix institution.

Transcript

[John Holmberg]

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[Brett]

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[John Holmberg]

Well, can you do this to my gun?

[Brett]

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[John Holmberg]

Well, there you have it. MMP Guns on the northeast corner of 12th street and Indian School or online at mmpguns customs.com Shane Gillis live on stage. My mom asked me, she's like, when did we stop being best friends? His biggest tour ever is coming to Phoenix. You remember that when you were a little boy and you like, you loved your mom and you thought she was the cool. You remember when you were gay? Every little boy is just their mom's gay best friend. There's literally zero difference. See Shane Gillis with his unmistakable comedian style live at PHX Arena. Friday, December 5th. Get tickets [e-mail] It's John Holmberg here from the Morning Sickness for lifechangerloan.com A guy I know is going through a divorce, which stinks for him. He's trying to figure out how much it's going to take to pay off the future ex wife. You got bills you want to consolidate. You got some stuff you want to take care of. Go ahead and do it. Or if you're just really good with money and you want to get out of that mortgage as Fast as possible. Life Changer loan is the way to do it. Average Customer saves about 250,000 in interest. House is paid off in about five years. Life changer loan. It's not magic, it's just math. Lifechangerloan.com It's John Holmberg here for turfmonstersaz.com if that yard of yours doesn't look great all of the time, if it is work all of the time, it does not have to be. Turf monsters can come to your house and make your yard a beautiful showcase place for you, your family, your pets. Yeah, it's pet friendly as well. Anything you can dream up in that backyard they can do. Tell them Homeburg sent you. Get 10% off. Turfmonstersaz.com do not listen to this while driving or when full alertness is needed. The Best of Homburg's morning Sickness this is the big Red radio. It's frustrating and also I saw an article about this and this is. I'm glad this law is not around anymore. Did you know that there used to be and we, you know a law used to be that if you were too ugly they could kick you out of places. That was a law in America, the ugly law. That's a real thing. And it said it was a centuries old ugly law banned people with visible disabilities, diseases and and unsavory looks from public spaces revealing society's harsh standards of beauties and the impact on those who didn't meet them. So if the, if the person claimed ugly business. Ah, ugly, get out. Like I would be. I would never be in a restaurant in my life. To radio like radio wasn't even invented yet. I'd have just had to. And neither was doordash. I'd had to do takeout constantly in like a mask. It was called the rise of pretty privilege. They would say only pretty people or people that were acceptably visibly acceptable could come in. And it got to the point where they're like we got to pass a law. These ugly people are throwing a fit. So you call the cops on somebody for being ugly. And the cops said, all right, let's get out here, you bastard. And then the old Irish cops would come and wrestle you out of the restaurant. That's enough of you. I'll go. I'd hit you in the face, wouldn't do any harm, might make you look better. So it was justified. The law was this public health measure because they used to think that if you had something, you know, if you had a little bit of a look, you could you were contagious. Yeah, just in case. And they weren't wrong. Like back then they didn't know. They didn't know about medical anything. They didn't know about germs until like the 1800s. They weren't.

[Brett]

A couple of plagues will keep you a little.

[John Holmberg]

Well, yeah, that was the 60s, this is the 9th. 1800.

[Brett]

Right. But you're learning from.

[John Holmberg]

You're looking around like, yeah, the birth rate's pretty low. There's a lot of ugly weirdos. They're filthy. There weren't soaps. Women's hygiene wasn't invented till the mid-30s. Like they just stuffed socks and potato sacks in there to stop the bleeding. So ugly people wandering around like, I don't want any of that. And I don't know what's next. So just in case, keep them away. Only good looking people allowed in here. Cause at least if I catch what they've got, I won't look bad.

[Brett]

If you had money that kind of.

[John Holmberg]

Went away too, some of it. But that would have been more of a. Then you have to dress it up.

[Brett]

Those areas, you know, the elite were trying to keep the elite in there.

[John Holmberg]

It got to the point where you could drive down the road and have somebody outside, I guess, walk down the road or whatever. You're on a horse or whatever, you point over and you're like that guy right there, call somebody and get him off. Hey, you, sir. Me? Yes, you. Get indoors immediately. Why? You're breaking the ugly law. Mr. Holmberg. I see you found daylight again. Please remove yourself from our vision. You are unsightly and loathsome. I know. I just wanted something to eat. Not in the daytime. Sir, You've forgotten your sack. No, I have it here. No, the one on your head. You're on your way to dinner and you want to visit your beloved or have composed in your mind the last stanza of a new poem that has given you such trouble. It is not agreeable at that time to be confronted by a loathsome vision. That's the law. You've written poetry for another beautiful person. The last thing you want to do, see something ugly upon the way of drop off. This cost a lot of people their ability to earn a living. Disabled street vendors, panhandlers and performers were forced out of work. I'm not against that. Panhandlers forced out of work, that's not work. Now they weren't allowed to enjoy public spaces. In the mid-1910s, a 35 year old Cleveland man with clubbed hands and feet had to quit. His job selling newspapers because people didn't want to. He needed to be inside. And they struggled to support himself afterwards. And his family, which was owned a drugstore. They said you can permit to sell stuff from the front of the shop unless somebody says something and then everybody complains. So they just put him in the back. He wasn't allowed in the front. Like sloth from Goonies chain him up in the basement. FDR even was like, considered in the 30s. Like, he would have fallen. Cause he was in that wheelchair. Which is why they always stood him up. Yep, he couldn't stand up. He had miserable problems.

[Brett]

Brutal.

[John Holmberg]

And they just. They'd prop him up, make him stand up and like, wobble him up to stand. How about that? 1936, a Chicago police officer attempted to arrest a guy named Ben Lewis, who was an amputee. They kicked his good leg out from under him. And at that point, people attacked the cops because they're like, you can't just start kicking amputees legs up. Ugly laws themselves are no longer in effect. The last recorded arrest. Take a guess. Due to the ugly law on the books. 1964, 64, 22, 22, 57, 74. 1974 in Nebraska, Legacy continues to influence attitudes, people's feelings about ugly man. I would have lasted five minutes back then. A. I got no skills. I would have had to be a waiter. Maybe I'd have worked in some sort of a slaughterhouse. And then at night slunk home to my cruddy apartment in my hay bed. Yeah, like Quasimodo. So very ugly.

[Brett]

Sorry.

[John Holmberg]

You've been to the sloth house, have you not, Hoenberg? Yes. The sun sets at 8pm you have to sit inside the sloth house till the sun is set. So keep working until the sun goes down. No one can see your face in the day. The Elephant man lost that dude. I am not an animal. Well, he had to, or I'd have just joined the circus as Noseboy.

[Brett]

Think of the money you'd have made.

[John Holmberg]

Look. Behold. He can smell you. It's Noseboy. I'm all right. They reveal me. The ladies scre. What can he smell? You're menstruating. He's a heretic. He banged the nose boy.

[Brett]

Headlines would be Noseboy Engaged Bearded woman.

[John Holmberg]

Right? Well, I'd banged a bearded lady, that's for sure. Any port in the storm, right? I don't think I'd want to bang if I had a time machine. I'd go back. The last thing I want to do is have sex with those People, they were filthy. Take. That's what I'm saying. Take off nine layers of clothes. No feminine hygiene till the 1930s. That's something. God knows what they were putting in, clogging that thing up with clay and mud. I don't know. We've done this before, but let's go down that road again. The 30s. This guy says, sure, John, your mouth says charity, but your nose says, many, many, many. Like Mr. Krabs. Hey, his name is Israel Montenegro. Look what it did to Brett. Got the word Negro in his name, and Brett can't. You're an idiot, Mathia. Come on. Him? Really? She says the same thing every day. Well, then why does she really. She's waiting for. Whatever. Who's your boy? Mauricio. So what's your husband do? Ah, he's the third wheel on some redneck morning Stones. Some for slow people. Oh, that's great. He's the laugh track. He's the. He's the.

[Brett]

He's the.

[John Holmberg]

The third guy on a. You know, it's for rubes in a small. It's just a. It's for idiots. He's like third dong. You're like best man. You're just one of the groomsmen, for God's sakes. What is she doing?

[Brett]

I don't question it.

[John Holmberg]

You should. If you cared about her, you should. Nope. This is selfish on your part. Nope. You should be looking at her going, what are you doing? Let's get you out of here. You should be wingmanning for her and take her to Mauricio. Shows up, I'm. Yeah, absolutely. Because you were getting some of that. Yeah, damn right. You take her to a decent restaurant up there in Paradise Valley or North Scottsdale, and you. You parade her around. I don't know what anybody. She may pull a Megan and go. I know. And that's disappointing. That is true. I wish she'd have left me that day so badly. How much dough I'd be rolling in that dead Maurizio. What a dream. What a dream. We can all fantasize, right? Brady's awfully quiet. He's thinking the same thing. What in the world.

[Brett]

Trying to keep the illusion alive.

[John Holmberg]

Why in the world would Ronnie not want to be with me? I don't get it.

[Brett]

I can tell you don't wake her up.

[John Holmberg]

I can tell you 30 reasons without even thinking. Once you get me thinking, it'll jump up to like 3,000 reasons. 30, top of my head reasons. And it would mostly be. It would mostly sound like I'm Just enacting the ugly law. Then we get into personality. Ah, forget it. We haven't gotten to the finance part yet, which is just. I don't. Even a woman in a wheelchair willing to touch it can get a 90 year old dude to hand over some of it.

[Brett]

74. Was it Rocky Dennis? Wasn't that based on a true story?

[John Holmberg]

Rocky Dennis, Yeah. Mask. He wasn't arrested for being ugly. He was just really ugly. I mean, he should have been, but he wasn't.

[Brett]

Was he in Nebraska?

[John Holmberg]

He was in the Midwest. He was tooling around on that motorcycle gang. I can't imagine what I'd have done had Rocky Dennis entered my life in person. For real. Antonio Roma's or something. I would have. I'd have made a noise. That face, that movie. What if he's got a great personality? I ain't learning that because I'm running away from that peanut head. The only thing I would do is put a monocle in one eye and a top hat on him and make him do a peanuts commercial. That head of head was massive. And then you started to feel for him in the movie. But it would have been tough to been friends with Rocky Dennis just off, you know, Maybe if I met him on.

[Brett]

You got a girl, man.

[John Holmberg]

Laura Dern. She was blind. Remember when she had to feel his giant foot face? She's hurt. Even her eyes were like, whoa, what is going on here? Touch my face. Yeah, I am. When does it end? And whatever he had is cured. I haven't seen another one of him. There's no two. Rocky Dennis's. There'd have been another movie.

[Brett]

They keep him back in the warehouse. The ugly Law.

[John Holmberg]

Still the ugly law.

[Brett]

That's why you don't see him.

[John Holmberg]

I think he was a one off. There's no possible way.

[Brett]

What did he have?

[John Holmberg]

I don't even know. Rocky Dennis disease. If they didn't name it that, they're idiots.

[Brett]

Giantism of the face.

[John Holmberg]

It's just his head, just his skull. The rest of them was totally normal. Yeah. He grew up in a small town. That's a good thing. He's got that one friend that was like cool with it. I'd have been all right until like high school. You're kind of killing the vibe here. Dennis, he had the one friend that was cool. I guess he did what? He had the one friend that was cool. Yeah, the one guy that was. And then they got figured, you know, and Cher, he'd be up in there afterwards. His mom was Cher. Yeah. So you're like wow. Your mom's really hot and sort of slutty. Hangs out in a biker gang. She's getting tossed around. No wonder you're all scrambled up. Probably got dented by a bunch of biker dorks while you were in there. Did they discover that? Is that what it's called? Biker dick to the head disease?

[Brett]

I think so.

[John Holmberg]

It's the dick zygote problem. That probably was it. They don't talk about that much in the movie that Rocky Dennis's mom was just getting railed on the reg by the Hell's Angels. Anyway, if you haven't seen it yet, the movie's called Mask and it's fantastic. But Rocky Dennis is. He wouldn't have made it through that ugly law. What do you got on the big board of musical treats? You gotta. I'm not even gonna try to pronounce what he had there. Jesus. That's the real one. It's not even as bad as the movie. Or it is worse. It's pretty accurate, though, from what they built in the movie. The best they could do with Eric Stones. Cranio dies. Where is it rare? Oh, yeah, Cranio. Diaphyseal dysplasia. Very rare. He's the only one who had it. Really? Truly is kind of the only one who had it. Now, Brady's had a couple of those videos that he chases around on YouTube where people are, oh, Kenny Loggins on. Yeah, he's got a couple like that. They might have it, kid.

[Brett]

The head is gigantic.

[John Holmberg]

Yikes. I wouldn't make it through that. Ugly. Me and Rocky Dennis would have been pretty much the same. Yeah, I think. I think I'd have been as a kid that had been like, oh, he's adorable. I'd have been allowed everywhere. And then somewhere around age 14 or 15, I'd been like, you're not allowed in the drugstore anymore. And then after that, it would have been restaurants and grocery. I would have been. I would have probably invented doordash just to eat horse dash. I've been eating rats and slaughtering pets. They don't show what his mom really looked like. The real one.

[Brett]

Yeah, he had two sisters too.

[John Holmberg]

Well, because they never got a picture of her with her face facing the camera. She was always looking away her in a pillow. At least the back of her head. You could have got. Can we get a picture of Rocky's mom's back of her head? There's a bunch of bikers who can describe it to a table. I never really got a look at her Face. I have to be honest. But from behind. Is that her? I think this is her. She doesn't look anything like Cher. Yeah.

[Brett]

About you, what you'd expect 70s mama.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Oh, my God. Now we know how you catch that disease, Rocky. From that to this. Well, you were. And Sam Elliott was the. Let me tell you this. There was some Hell's Angels wieners pounding into that. Oh, man. Developing baby. Planned Parenthood does less damage with their pokes. There she is. That's good stuff. Oh, here you go.

[Brett]

There's the comparison.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, she kept it together in that one. Yeah, that's back in the day. You know who I'm feeling sorry for is the. I don't know if you guys looked this. This is how shallow I am. I saw the thing. It said, those two astronauts that aren't allowed to come home for, like, another year.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

They were just demanding a woman. Starliner fell out of the sky or something. Something broke and they're like, we gotta stay for a year. We're camping now. And they're just floating around. So I'm like, well, what she look like? Oh, this poor bastard. They sent him up there with a. It can't be trapped in space and never find this person attractive. It's gonna be just.

[Brett]

Maybe that sexless will kick in or something. Space goggles.

[John Holmberg]

That's what I'm wondering. Is it? After a while, the space deliriums. Yeah. Oh, look at her. I got the space crazies. And you're looking pretty good. Hey, Charlie. I got the space crazies. Right now, you're looking pretty good to me. Yeah, and he's all right, but she. She looks like Deep Roy. Oh, my God, man.

[Brett]

Wow.

[John Holmberg]

And you're trapped in space for a year, and he's on. He's on the CB all the time. Get me? Hurry up. Jesus Christ. We can't fire up a shuttle. Nah, it's gonna take at least a year. God damn it. Somebody call Musk. Guys, I'm getting the space crazies, and I'm thinking about banging Deep Roy. We've got to get a shuttle up there before he does that. Send the Space D up there. I don't know.

[Brett]

You want to light some candles?

[John Holmberg]

Maybe you and I could. I got the space crazies.

[Brett]

He'd be fine at night.

[John Holmberg]

It's always night.

[Brett]

Turn the lights off.

[John Holmberg]

In the capsule. Camping in space. And you were trapped with her. Look, there she is, upside down with it. Because it's inevitable you get trapped. You know, if you got trapped in an Elevator with somebody for two days. You might have sex Skeletor, that thing. And as a man, that's all I thought. Well, all right. Trapped in space with a woman for a year. What's this look like? Oh, that poor bastard.

[Brett]

Good Halloween costume. Go, space couple.

[John Holmberg]

Well, yeah, I guess if you have Deep Roy as a friend. You're gonna set me up with this? Hold on, Wait. You know, he asked, too. It's like, all right, what happens if something goes wrong and I'm trapped with her up there? It's like, could I get a. Do we have any other astronaut astro ladies? What do we call those Astro women?

[Brett]

Can't she ride out on a broom?

[John Holmberg]

Astronaut? A man. Yeah. Is the whole. Is the space thing shaped like a broom? It's mean.

[Brett]

I've seen Princess laugh.

[John Holmberg]

She did it. None of those space people were that bad. Hey, you get trapped up there with Princess Leia, it's like I broke something on purpose. Oh, looks like we're gonna be up here for a while. Let me light some space candles.

[Brett]

You guys talk good games, but you know what? Brett experiences that you never will. John.

[John Holmberg]

What? When a bill comes, he'll look at.

[Brett]

His Lady Medea and say, hand her the bill and says she pays for.

[John Holmberg]

It with her own money. God damn right. You do that with Megan. What about you, boss man.

[Brett]

In the generator money? I won't even mention.

[John Holmberg]

He's not wrong. Let's get an earner.

[Brett]

The main reason?

[John Holmberg]

That's the only reason. He's been fighting for years to work. And then he's right. Brett's just dead. Beaten enough to hand bills over to Mathias and go, you know the deal. That's pretty impressive. You're welcome. You're half of the electrics do. Oh, what a dream. It's pretty amazing. That is pretty awesome. It's not weird.

[Brett]

It's pretty cool, actually.

[John Holmberg]

No membership fees. I've heard enough of this. Hey, Byron. I was [e-mail]'s website. You have everything, and the prices are incredible.

[Brett]

Yes, sir. Mmpguns.com has over four products for sale daily. Everything from firearms, ammunition, accessories, optics, clothing, decoys, and more. The best part is, if you see it on our website, it's in stock and ready to ship.

[John Holmberg]

Wait, there's no backorders?

[Brett]

Nope. We work with all our distributors, so what you see on our site is what's actually available. We ship all over the country, so we're not just for Arizonans anymore. If the firearm you want is legal in your state, we can get it to a dealer for you to pick up.

[John Holmberg]

Sounds simple. That's why I always go to mmpguns.com why choose a sleep number Smart Bed Can I make my site softer? Can I make my site firmer? Can we sleep cooler? Sleep number does that cools up to eight times faster and lets you choose your ideal comfort on either side. Your Sleep number setting it's the sleep number biggest sale of the year all beds on sale up to 50% off the limited edition smart bed plus free premium delivery with any smart bed and adjustable base ends Labor Day. All sleep number Smart beds offer temperature solutions for your best sleep. Check it out at a sleepnumber store or sleepnumber.com today the best of homework's Morning sickness I'm Matty Akupde now one person that can't peel themselves out of the mess is the theme for the week. Gary who is emailed again. Gary's story is unfolding based and it's us boys. We did this. This is us and ALS Matt's fault. One week ago Friday we met ALS Matt and sparked the mind of brain tumor Gary to go through his wife's his wife's phone on Monday and when he did it he found three dudes have been talking to her and a picture of one with his pee pee being devoured. And yeah as he says in this the next email devoured by his wife. So things have started to unfold. Then wife gets tipped off by somebody that we're talking about Gary the brain tumored guy. How many of those are there that are going through this? Tells the wife hey I know what's going on here. We think we have assessed that it's probably one of the dudes that she's bone and said oh. So then he emails back said hey Holmberg, insult to my brain injury. The one guy whose penis was being like I said devoured by my wife in that picture has come forward. He evidently got tipped off by a friend that this drama was unfolding on your show. So the guy text me and said gary I need to apologize. He and my wife are doing that. He that me and your wife are doing what we were doing. He goes on ready for this dude lives two houses down and he was the guy who took me to the hospital when I first felt bad. After my diagnosis. I got diagnosed with the brain tumor and had some trouble one day and started to walk around in the front yard and there he was, happened to be standing by my driveway, saw me staggering around and offered me a ride to a Hospital. He confessed that he was at at the time, in fact, looking for my wife to come down the street to signal her that he was alone in his house. When he saw me, he pretended to be my savior. Actually bought that son of a. A bottle of tequila. And me and the wife went over to his house to thank him for being a good neighbor. Boy, he's that. Indeed he has been. Full service back to treatment. Signed Gary. Wow. Wow.

[Brett]

So that was going on before everything?

[John Holmberg]

No, he had been diagnosed and he wandered outside to in a little fugue state. The guy happened to be standing there. Now, Gary, gonna give you a little silver lining. Your wife wasn't being a. That guy wouldn't have been standing out there. He might be dead today, right?

[Brett]

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

So, I mean, if it wasn't for your wife constantly blowing the neighbor and dude would have been in his house minding his own business while you wandered off into traffic. Boy, what a lucky guy. What a lucky man Gary is.

[Brett]

You tell you, he just doesn't want to go any further with his wife. Just wants to bang. Because if he would have wanted to be with her, from the sounds, he would have left him.

[John Holmberg]

Sounds of that email, Brady. He had to wait until his house was empty too. That's when you go down and you signal the lady for coming home. I'm alone, getting her on the thing. So evidently they had been texting or something back and forth. And if I'm standing in front of the house, then you can walk right in, drive by your place, put it in wherever you got to put it, and then I'll put it wherever I got to put it. But I don't know what Gary did though. Like, did he thank him for being there or. That's what he said. He bought him a tequila. No, no, I mean like after finding out or to go over there and beat his ass or what? That's a good question. Yeah. What do you do?

[Brett]

Much power behind that.

[John Holmberg]

Well, we don't know that. Let's not. I don't say he's staggering around, a little dizzy. Pre meds, when he's getting his meds right, he's having some trouble with balance and dude standing outside, wife was gonna blow him. Gary comes tumbling out of the house, a little bit dizzy, like, oh, I gotta. Gotta get to the doctor real quick. I'd call Marcellus Wallace and send over some hard pipe hitting. But again, let's, let's. Let's celebrate the fact that whoring saves lives. And in this case, God knows what would happen. To Gary. And if it was just 10 or 15 minutes later, wife would have seen the neighbor outside, concocted some strange story, and they'd have both been in the throes of blowjobs. Well, Gary's wandering around with nobody to help him. Concocted being the main word. There's. There's a part of that word that actually applies beautifully. So, Gary, I'm gonna tell you right now, find the bright side of this. You got a lot of downside. When I read that email, the first thing I thought was, well, whore wife actually kind of saved your life that day, or maybe even, you know, and it all is unravel. Gary, I don't think I want any more emails from you. I'm starting to get to be. We're almost an accomplice in this thing at this point. I want to know what happened. I want to know what Gary did as the Gary turns. Yes. All right, Gary, email back. Brett's not done with you yet. Email Brett, for God's sakes, email Brett about what you did afterwards. I don't think he did anything. I think he just probably. Dude, Gary has been. Somehow or another, he took over the. The Matt Als story as the saddest story I've ever heard. Matt just. I mean, Matt bringing in the kids this week was a little bit rough, but Gary versus Matt, and I'm with that guy that said they need to have a podcast. Suddenly. I'm all in on that. The Gary and Matt podcast needs to occur. Gary, if you're up for it, I know you don't want to leave your house too long because your wife will go nuts. So you got to keep your eyes on her, but if you want to bring her along as, like, a producer, too. So probably blow. Matt sounds like she's at. Actually, Gary, bring your wife down to the station. Let's take a look at this. She's in high demand, and in eight months, she's available. So let's just make sure you think.

[Brett]

It was going on before the diagnosis.

[John Holmberg]

Probably sounds a little bit comfortable.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that. That one seems like.

[Brett]

I mean, that just like she's not just.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you don't just find out your husband's got a brain tumor, Go knock on the neighbor's door. Neighbors are available, and so is Gary's wife. And so there. There goes my theory that she was just so sad that she had this drug and alcohol kind of outlet with sex. She was just being a whore before, and then so happened while she was being a whore.

[Brett]

Oh, this looks Worse.

[John Holmberg]

Now what do I do? Well, the first thing you should do, man or woman, if you're being a whore and your spouse gets stuck with a. Gets, you know, jammed up with a brain tumor, delete the pictures of you eating Wang in your phone, like, immediately. Yeah, you know, I mean, cut it off.

[Brett]

Why do you have that?

[John Holmberg]

Well, you know, why do you have that? Because it's beautiful. Sometimes, Brady, it's art. That's why you have that.

[Brett]

Especially if it's a look alike.

[John Holmberg]

She's a little lazy. And then your. Your story of the look alike was terrible. It's pretty impressive, though, that she's come up with those so quickly. But poor Gary. Two houses down and this one says, did the guy apologizing say he was ever going to stop? Or at least, at the very least, wait for Gary's tumor to finish the job before he goes back for his next blowy? That would be the decent thing to do. And include that in the letter. Gary, I want to apologize to you. My conscience has gotten to me. I'm sorry for what your wife and I have been doing. In eight months, I'm gonna knock on her door and I'm gonna start courting her again once you're in the ground. But now I'm gonna let you die in front of her without one time Krispy Kreme in her face. It's just wrong to do, and I apologize. Gary. Hey, here's another bright side, Gary. Maybe it's your wife's mouth that causes brain cancer, and she's getting it. You know, you got the worst of it. But now your neighbor's gonna have it. And those other two dudes. Maybe she's just passing along and his ultimate punishment will be. Her mouth gives people brain tumors. That would be nice. Anyway, good luck, Gary. Hope the neighbor brings him a bottle of tequila now. Yeah, Don Julio. Some Don Fellatio. You know what? Something. I mean, something. Don Fellatio. Wow. That's the greatest godfather character I've ever heard. Don Fellatio. What are you doing? Get up off your knees. Act like a man.

[Brett]

Why is Don Fellatio down here anyway?

[John Holmberg]

What is he doing? Godfather, Don Fellatio would like to talk to you a little bit about something. He's gotten himself wrapped up in it. You don't go after a guy with a brain tum.

[Brett]

His wife, Don Felicio.

[John Holmberg]

But I'm Don Fellatio. I can't help myself. I love the fellatio. That's why you're naming me this. We should have Given him a name like Don Calm downio.

[Brett]

Jesus Christ, Cooney Lingus.

[John Holmberg]

You're a good earner. It's a. It's weird. This one. This one says, can we bring back the time call outs? Remember, it's 552Larry hates fat chicks kind of thing. Cara hates the blacks. Gary's wife is a. Can we just bring that back? Yeah, we used to do that a lot when that Carol lady was yelling and screaming about black people because she was dating one and mad at me for something and I don't know what she was doing. And then she said. And then that she was the one who called Larry, thinking he said it and screamed at him the whole time. And then so, you know, saying that he hated fat ladies. And it was me that said it. But she was like, Larry McFeely. I've been listening. She yelled at him. So Larry hates fat chicks, Kara hates the blacks, and Gary's wife's a horror. Well, we'll go Back to that. 5:55 in the morning, about 78 degrees. Beautiful morning. Not always a reminder. Larry hates fat chicks. Carrie hates the blacks, Gary's wife's a whore, Gary's neighbor's an asshole. I mean, we can go. The whole show would be just calling.

[Brett]

Out every great bit for the shame Network.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, the Shame network has. That's our reality show is Gary and Matt's. And how much is go. How much of that is going on? Hubbard's always looking for new podcasts to throw on. We got one right here, right now. If our sales staff could sell, would be an unbelievable thing to put together. I mean, it's not worth your time right now. You're just going to hear all about like how they can't get any money. But if you got a good podcast, I should. That's a podcast. I might just. Oprah Winfrey Network start me talking to you people about your lunacy. Get Gary down here. Matt's no good on the air, but his friend is. And just hear about your stories and just sit down and just go, you know, true life with the ghouls, we would call it. And man, oh man, you people have got some stuff going on. And that's right. His wife is giving new meaning to given dudes brain. That's right. They're br. She's braining guys like crazy. And maybe she's some sort of a cancer succubus or brain tumor. Gary. So Michael wants to know.

[Brett]

He's.

[John Holmberg]

He's heard about Don Fellatio over there, but what about the Other two. Does he know anything about them? He didn't say. Okay, I'm sure. I'm sure he's piecing his life together one email to me at a time. But he did get. I mean, maybe he does know, and those two guys were just like, some nobodies. But the dude that took him to the hospital to help him out, who was standing outside half hard, waiting for his wife to blow him again, and then there comes Gary. That's my dad. What's wrong with you, man? I got a brain tumor. You do? You do? Jesus Christ. This makes everything I'm doing 10 times worse. Can I. Can I give you a ride to the hospital? Why were you in my driveway? I don't know. I heard some noises, I guess. I don't know.

[Brett]

The neighbor texts her and says, I took Magoo to the hospital for you.

[John Holmberg]

Looks like we're gonna have the whole night to ourselves now. I just dropped off your old man at the hospital. He doesn't look good. Oh, boy. Don't worry. I'll give her a ride to the hospital. You know what? I'll go back and pick up your wife. We'll be back here in a couple hours. Why it takes so long for. Hey, paperwork, okay? Pretty much. So Gary, at that point, anything. He's worried about his own head. So, anyway, boy, Gary, I mean, again, I remind you. And he's probably apologizing because he heard me say, you got a dude with a brain tumor. It's inoperable. He's emailing it. He's not long for the planet. He's got nothing to lose now. He knows exactly who and where you are. He's a dangerous sort, that Gary, right now. If his. If his body works, and I don't know what kind of physical condition Gary's in. We got Robert Fisher, part two, possibly here. Only just gonna walk to the hospital. I did this. Except eventually we'll find Gary again. When a life sentence in jail isn't even two seasons. Don't mess with that guy. From the sounds of it, the other dude's married. I'd be snitching to his wife. Kids, dogs, fish. Everyone's gonna know. Only seven more months of awkward neighbors, Gary. Well, you cut off a month from my diagnosis of 8. And what do you get? I mean, aside from that? What do you get your neighbor who drives you to the hospital when your brain doesn't work? Bottle of tequila is nice. Get some decent tequila and a little pop over and just go, hey, meds were off. I was in A state I was wandering about. The wife probably wants to thank him too. A little back door, you know what I mean? And then there's probably something that happened there while Gary was sitting in a. Where's your restroom? Oh, it's right down the hall. Like you don't know. You go head down there. I'll. I'll walk you to it. Walk my wife to the restroom, please. You got it. Gary. Just have another glass of tequila. I'm sure that's good. Doctor says I shouldn't drink. Why? That's what can happen. Take a nap. It's this. When Gary. When Gary found out it was his neighbor banging his wife, did he go out in the front yard and act like Gus, sobbing, screaming, that's my neighbor? No, he didn't ask. Like Gus Walls, my neighbor. Anyway, the saga of Gary has been all week and I'm sure it'll continue as he finds out more that after Gary's story. John, I'm just going to start accusing my wife of blowing up everybody. It's always easier to apologize later if I'm wrong. Like Gary's neighbor. Like Gary's neighbor. I just text my wife and say, I'm sorry. It's not true. I overreacted. And then we'll have makeup sex. That's true. Not a bad idea.

[Brett]

You think the signal in the house when she. He was coming over there, she like, was in the second story window putting a little heart sign with her hands up there.

[John Holmberg]

She could have been come on over. Yeah. They had signals. Well, they're two houses down, so I don't know how that works with window signals. Unless she's got the. You're right. Like she could have the second story window in those. One of those Gilbert neighborhoods where the houses are a foot apart. And then you look over one house into the other, which is the exact same model as yours. So the only. It's reverse. So your windows are facing. They might have little window flashlight.

[Brett]

Probably two houses down. That takes a signal out. Probably just a simple. Just a giant suck on her more cigarette and a puff of smoke out the window.

[John Holmberg]

What is it, like Indian smoke signals? Okay.

[Brett]

Vaping.

[John Holmberg]

Or you assume she's just awful.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

You've got a real. You know, tell me she's not stereotype. It doesn't mean she doesn't look. I know. Amazing. It doesn't mean she's smoking more. Oh, no. She doesn't necessarily have to be a trailer trash. It could be, you know, it happens in wealthy neighborhoods. Too bright.

[Brett]

They just put the garage door up a third.

[John Holmberg]

That could be one of those things. Stack a rock, do one of those. You know, your neighborhood back in Columbus, as blind as you were, had to be loaded with stuff like this.

[Brett]

There were smoke signals loaded with stuff.

[John Holmberg]

But you had that naked neighbor in the window. I wonder as a kid, because I had.

[Brett]

We knew Bob Ray signal.

[John Holmberg]

Bob Ray's signal was just to rub his. Just a crank out the window when the kids were in the backyard. And then we knew raw dogging in the window. And we knew how your neighborhood handled it. No cops. We go, we face to face, talk to everybody. Kind of like Gary and his neighbor are doing. Writing letters.

[Brett]

Knock it off.

[John Holmberg]

So Gary's probably gone full scorched earth, knocked on the door, told the wife, shown pictures. I don't know if he. I don't know if he has the photograph of. You recognize his penis? Yeah, that's my husband's wife. Whose mouth is that? And that's the name of the autobiography, After Gary kills Everybody tonight on Dateline. Whose mouth is that? Indeed. Great name for the podcast too, actually. Whose mouth was that? I'll just pretend to be Keith Morrison the whole time. And that's when Gary went outside and saw his neighbor with his mouth wide open. Usually it was the other way around, but he was surprised to see Gary. Gary needed a ride to the hospital and he just needed a ride. Yeah. Oh, it would be even better to have Gary and the neighbor in the. The podcast. Oh, yeah, the guilty neighbor, the brain tumor sufferer. The wife tonight on was Whose Mouth was that? A hovered exclusive, available for limited time only. Yeah, I don't know if I want to hang out with all those people. The podcast could be fantastic. This very special. Whose mouth is it in? Very special. We have the neighbor tonight. I would do it like for treasure. Hello, neighbor. We're listening. What were you thinking? Did you know Gary's brain tumor was as bad as it was? I really didn't. I mean, who leads with that? How long were you boning his wife before the tumor? Quite a while. Quite a while there. John. The podcast would win awards. John, Gary, Matt, Zombie killer. The dude dating a girl with the twins having. Oh, geez, I forgot about that. The twins that had sex and the couples that. Remember that one. I forgot about that one where the guy walked in and is. Were they twins or they step. I don't remember. But it was the brother and sister were getting it on when he came home from work. Remember that one?

[Brett]

I don't think it was like his.

[John Holmberg]

Daughter and his new wife's son, which are.

[Brett]

Oh, yeah, I think that was it.

[John Holmberg]

I don't remember that story, too.

[Brett]

That threw me for a curve, brother.

[John Holmberg]

The other one was the one where the. The two that found out they were related. There was that email.

[Brett]

And they're not gonna quit.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And they'd stay. Yeah. They surprise guests all the way through this. This is the truth.

[Brett]

And if there's two or three more waiting, just go ahead and send it in.

[John Holmberg]

If you're thinking about telling us your tale, open up. It's a safe place. Nothing, obviously. We keep it all real private. We don't make fun of any of this stuff. We've put Matt on the back burner. His story's boring now. Got diagnosed with severe ALS and his wife bad. Hanging somebody at her job.

[Brett]

It doesn't go on any other station. It's safe.

[John Holmberg]

Safe right here. Safe just in this little. This little nest of trust.

[Brett]

Tree.

[John Holmberg]

Yes, you guys can trust us with your terrible stories. It's pretty good stuff, though. So, Gary, good luck to you. And if you happen to. I'm going to Kansas City this weekend, so I'm going to miss some local news, but if you happen to hear about a guy who. I don't know, that dude over there in Scottsdale just walked right in and shot his wife twice while there were people at the house and just sat down. So the cops are going to get. And he works over at asu. I know somebody who works with him.

[Brett]

And I'll take a beer.

[John Holmberg]

Just have a pop real quick. I just killed her. She drive? I don't know. I haven't read further on why that dude shot his wife, but he just. He just did. And it's a really nice neighborhood, so she wasn't outside sucking down moors wearing, you know, Daisy Dukes, waiting for a light to flash in the neighbor's window. Hey, Gary, I'm gonna go next door real quick, get some sugar. Okay, do that. I'll be laying down. Yeah, that's where you always. Lazy mother. All right. She's not lazy. I have brain tumor. That's a great excuse. Getting little old, Gar.

[Brett]

She goes out in the front yard, hoists up the rebel flag.

[John Holmberg]

He throws the confidence signals off. Gary, do I have to put this flag up every day? You ever gonna do anything. A brain tumor? I have a hard time getting around getting old, Gary. You know what's not getting old, Gary? You ever.

[Brett]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, well, I needed those 20 minutes ago. The neighbor got. The neighbor took care of my oral Fixation. Gare Bear, you're lucky Cletus took you to the hospital. Gary, did the neighbor in Brady's scenario of stereotyping throw you in the back of the hog truck to take you to the hospital? Or did it get you in the front? In the front bench seat? Brady automatically just, well, if they're acting like this, they look a certain way. I won't allow it to look like my neighborhood drop off at a gator. Oh, but it does. I mean, it's obviously we were going to hell, but now I think Brady's joining us automatically. Be there now. Brady just stereotyped him into a hole. I'm glad the guy's name wasn't Lamont. Well, she's probably standing outside smoking Parliaments. He's stereotyping the hell out of these people. Yeah, a couple over there. Chicken was better next door. So one's a Brady joke. Okay. Oh, boy. Oh, man. I told you, Andrew, Be ashamed of yourself. Says, hey, baby. Just dropped off your husband at the hospital. So let's just say we can do it at least two more times. Two more. Two more times. All right. Thanks, Andrew. This one says, what about a GoFundMe for Gary? I mean, his wife has a Go F me account, and evidently it's been open for a while. That's right. That's right. She's got a go F me. How about a GoFundMe for Gary? We'll raise some money for. You know what, though? Those inoperable brain tumors are just really throwing bad money after. Good.

[Brett]

Just kicking it down the road.

[John Holmberg]

It's a. Yeah, you're just. Yeah, you're just you. That just means Gary stays around a little longer to deal with this. Gary. Let's just hope that thing gets real aggressive. Kind of like your wife around a dick. Oh, geez. You know, the difference between a neighbor's penis and Gary's tumor is you can take the penis out of the wife's head. Oh, sorry, Gary. He does have a good sense of humor. We did share some emails yesterday about what's going on with his head. And then, like, words like blastoma and all sorts of stuff going on. And he had constant nose bleeds and, you know, headaches and things like that. And then that patch where he said he couldn't see out of his eye. We. We chatted yesterday for a little bit on email. Then I just. I had stuff to do, so we couldn't cut it off. Functional and got a lot going on. Steve says, I like it. You could have your Podcast. Start tonight on a very special Blossom Non Blossom. Blossom. Yeah, there you go. That's what we deal with on our emails every day. Does any. Does Beth get. Does Beth acknowledge these moments on her show? No, she just wants to know how to make homemade ice cream with the friends. I know one lady that's mixing up a little cream. Gary's wife. And we're gonna get her in here before it's all over. Gary's wife, we need to talk to you. We're here with Byron from MMP Guns. Byron, why should someone choose to go to MMP Guns?

[Brett]

The choice is simple, Brett. MMP Guns is your one stop shop for all your shooting needs. We offer Arizona's largest selection handguns, rifles, shotguns, new and pre owned. We also have a large selection of ammunition accessories and even training in. Now, all pre owned firearms are 20% off. All new firearms are 10% off. We have Ammo Inc. 9mm hollow points for only $12.99 a box and much more.

[John Holmberg]

Well, it sounds like M and P Guns is committed to providing the customers with the best possible service and selection.

[Brett]

That's a fact. You can visit us at the store at the northeast corner of 12th street.

[John Holmberg]

And Indian School or online at mmpguns.com Holmberg's Morning Sickness. If you know a lady who's married to a Gary and that Gary happens to have an inoperable brain tumor and you work with her and don't think a lady with a husband with an inoperable brain tumor has kept that under wraps. She came into work with the sympathy card being flashed about, I can't. I just can't. Everybody's been like, oh, poor Sarah. She's had such a rough go since her husband. No, she hasn't. She's been having the time of her life while Gary's laid up. I know, guys. It's just been so hard since Gary's brain tumor. We can't imagine what you're going through. How's your mental health? Oh, my head's taking a beating.

[Brett]

She was upset the other day because she's like, my lover was coming over and my stupid husband was staggering in the front yard. I've had a bad day.

[John Holmberg]

See, Brady just brought her right back to the white trash lady that would just talk about her affair out loud before her husband's tumor. He can't handle that they can keep it together, that she might be amazing, that he might fall for it. There's the danger. No, we're not gonna play creeds with mouth wide Open for Gary's wife. All right, Gilbert, please. Well, I just heard the news today. Gary's wife is gone and got a dick in her face with mouths wide open. Mouth wide open, the legs behind them. Welcome to her face. You. Every place would be worse if, like, she's in the middle of that and he's just by the window and he's got his hand on top of her head. Hey, not for nothing there, sir. I don't want to interrupt this. It's pretty great. Your husband's outside wanting to run on the road again. Oh, God damn it. I go get my Confederate flag. I'll wrap him up, we'll tie him to something so I can finish up on this one. Yee haw. I'll slop my pegs. I like Brady's Cletus, and they're just horrible white trash. I want to know what they do. Gary, email me again and tell me if you live in a nice neighborhood off Brady's. Right. I'm leaning towards Gary being in an all right situation because never once has he said he needs money or he seems like he's got good insurance.

[Brett]

These two trailers down.

[John Holmberg]

These two trailers down from it. I used to trust him with my house dogs. Baby, come on over there. If you can find my song, I'll let you take it off. Anyway, that's our lives. That's what we do. That's how this world works. I like with mouths wide open. That's a concert psyching rock. Yeah. Creed is going to be here in a little bit. Yeah. I feel so bad for. We should send Gary to that show. Gary, if you want to go. Yeah, we'll hook it up. We'll give you some Creed tickets. I don't know if you got an appointment that day or whatever. You should probably take your wife, cuz just in case you don't want to leave for three hours. You know what she's gonna do 25 steps down the road? Just wipe it off with my stars and bars. Let me clean my face here with my confed flag project 20, 25. I'm all in. Gary. Gary's wife, according to Brady, will be front row tonight at the Trump rally over there in Glendale. I would so blow you, Dr. Trump. Not a doctor. Don't know what's wrong with you. Please take off that Confederate flag. That makes me look like a real weirdo. It's not good. Anyway, yeah, Trump's here again today, and I don't know what he's doing to clog up traffic, but we Were mad at Kamala the other day. I know he flew into Sierra Vista. And the Trump. Trump won. They dropped that thing at Fort Huachuca yesterday. Then he's wandered around on the. On the border where it should be at an Air Force base. You're not clogging up traffic for that, but I'm fine with that. And so, yeah, I don't know where he's taken. I don't think you can fly. I don't know that you can fly Trump 1 from Fort Huachuca to Phoenix. I don't think you take a big plane for that short a ride.

[Brett]

Yeah, they're driving.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. They're probably hoofing it or taking a baby, maybe choppering up. Yeah, something. But. But hopefully Trump's not clogging up traffic the whole way. I'm not a fan of that. I don't think that for the candidates too, like. Well, Trump's a former president, so he's got extra. They got me talking. You. You've been watching the news, the social, the Social Security. The Secret Service has been kind of under fire, so there's probably a few.

[Brett]

Extra stepping up their game.

[John Holmberg]

They're showing up now. Yeah. So he's going to be out there in Glendale today, so you guys can go watch him talk. And hopefully Gary's wife will be there and saying hello and goodbye to everybody at the door. Vote Trump. 24. Hi. Thanks for coming. I mean that. Thanks for coming. See what I did there? Okay, thanks. Bye. Vote Trump. Wonder if he's got that Melissa McCarthy Secret Service agent with him again. The one gun in the holster. I can't get this thing out of my pocket. Anyway, she talked to Gary's wife. She knows how to hold shirt. She didn't know how to handle the cylindrical objects like me. Starts with cigarettes, works its way up to a dildee and then the neighbor's tea. I need my medicine. Need, need, need. We all have needs. I'm going next door. Brady, I'm gonna be in your brain.

[Brett]

For this potato salad in the fridge.

[John Holmberg]

It's not good anymore, but what does it matter to you? Just do it, Gary. Jesus. Wine, wine, wine. When's it all gonna be over? The mayonnaise ain't going bad. So have you. And I keep you around. No reason to throw away perfectly good potato salad. You wouldn't eat it. I'm healthy, Gary. You can eat whatever. Now you don't have to worry about getting fat. Chemo gonna take care of that. This is Brady's character. I'm just manifesting her into reality. See, the reason that she's so great is she's got no feelings at all evident. Gary. Just can't get anything in.

[Brett]

You're too hot. Just take a swim in the above.

[John Holmberg]

The ground pool in the cement pond. Gary, I mixed up a pot full of that Tang you're supposed to be drinking. Just come in here and ladle some into your mouth. I'll be next door. What's next door? Oh, health and fitness. Let me tell you. I just can't tolerate looking at you bouncing around this house all retarded. I'm going next door. Just going to West Hightower's house.

[Brett]

I looked in the pantry. We're all out. I'm going over there to borrow some Twinkies.

[John Holmberg]

We got Winnie Twinkies in your weird tang. I know who's got some of that. I'm gonna bring some Tang to the neighbor, if you know what I'm saying. Your hands. You have nothing in your hands. I didn't say. Yeah, let's bring him the powdered version. Jeez, Gary's so stupid since the tumor. Poor Gary. Gary, if you want to come down here, you're welcome to polish off the show for last couple months that you're able. He did joke a little bit about dying, like he's comfortable with it. Yesterday on the emails, we were. He's like, what do I care? I've got four months to live. Like, four. He goes, well, earlier estimates, like, how bad is this? Not good. It's the same thing McCain had. He said gastoblastoma or whatever that's called. It's like a big old frontal lobe tumor. He doesn't have much longer before he starts not making sense. Oh, man, I wish it stopped making sense now. Mr. Observational all of a sudden. I was told his cognitive sight and memory were bad. It turns out this guy's like a sleuth. All of a sudden, he's like Sherlock Holmes of Dick.

[Brett]

Where are my Springer tapes?

[John Holmberg]

I just don't need you still watching VHS Springer all day. I was on season three. Yeah. Could you please stop smoking it? I'm blowing it right in your face.

[Brett]

Gary, let's speed this up.

[John Holmberg]

It's good for the both of us. Said I had to leave the locker room when you said, wipe it off with my Stars and Bars. I belly laughed. I couldn't breathe. Coughed, laughed. Sound like I was choking. Sort of like Gary's wife said. Chancellor, I heard you give him Creed tickets if he wants them, but wouldn't 311 tickets be better. Just so Gary knows that even as bad as it is, things could get worse. Yeah, I don't need. He might want to end it earlier. Then. You know what? It might push him over the edge, which is maybe a decent idea. You. And that is true in Gary's condition. When is Creed Brett? September 4th. This weekend is 3:11. September 4th. Make it to September 4th. I know we'll make it both events, but you know what? Yeah, you can have those too. Just be sure not to leave them laying around in case, you know, be inevitable. And then your wife takes the neighbor. I found some free tickets there at Gary's funeral. Would you like to go see Creed? Let me ask my wife if I can get up. Okay. I'll be in the backyard firing a bow and arrow. We are so trashy. Anyway. Gary. Gary's wife. Horrible. This is terrible. This is a terrible morning. I did not expect this to. Yeah, John, you're doing a perfect Mrs. Garrison. It's true. Look, kids, this is the way things are gonna go around here from now on. Your daddy's dying and your mama's hungry. There's a thirst trap next door. And I'm gonna go over there and knock that down every once in a while. Don't you dare tell your dad I can keep pictures. You want to see neighbors wiener? I have it. At least some of it you can see. Most of it's hidden in my lips. Go to the store and buy another pack of cigarettes. I'm almost out of Mars. Mors.

[Brett]

Who's got my Inquirer?

[John Holmberg]

I have literally transported myself here from 1991. I got VHS, I got National Enquirers. Moore.

[Brett]

Gary, you look like Bat Boy.

[John Holmberg]

Gary's making me sick. I think he might be that Appalachian Bat boy. I'm gonna call the authorities. Have Gary rest him as Bat Boy. Boy, is Gary dumb now. I bet you she probably just picks the phone up. Hi, neighbor. How you doing? It's Alicia. Yeah, what's going on? Hey. Gary's so stupid now. I think he just come over. I'll blow you right in front of me. Ain't gonna remember nothing. You think that's a good idea? I'm a hillbilly. I don't know what good ideas are. Get your ass over here. I'm hungry.

[Brett]

Girl, you're not gonna believe this. I got a letter from Zack bagging.

[John Holmberg]

Gary. I swear to God, if you haunt me after this, I will be so pissed off. Don't you dare. If you haunt me, I don't care what you do. Just don't move my smokes. That's all. I need to know where those are 24. 7. I wake up with a craving. I gotta have something in my mouth. She has stars and bars, beach towels. Clean herself. Yuck. Gary, you should leave. I don't know. You want to stay at Brady's house? Brady will take. I'm not taking any of this. That's just sad. But Brady will do it. He's a good person. I'm not. You can stay in my pool shed. It's pretty hot, though. No air conditioning anymore. Dog's room's nice, but I'm not caring for. You would do it. Would you take Gary if he asked?

[Brett]

He could stay with Kiva and Coco while they get the cup. Comfort there.

[John Holmberg]

What if it's contagious? And, like, you're like, geez, ever since Gary moved in, I can't stop blowing laser. Like, you just want your neighbors more. When Gary's around, she can change the lock.

[Brett]

My signal.

[John Holmberg]

This is bad. This is not good. Anyway, that's enough of that. It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fee. I have heard enough of this. It's good to be on top, isn't it? Yeah. So get on top and ride. With the top morning show in town and the best of Homburg's morning sickness, this segment's brought to you guys by Action Ride Shop. Now, if you're thinking about heading up north to hit the slopes for some skiing, some boarding, or if you're just gonna stay down here in the Valley and do some mountain biking, Action Ride Shop is your place to be. They got all the gear and all the knowledge you're gonna need, so check them out [e-mail] or better yet, just go visit them over there on Gilbert Road and Southern. It's Action Ride Shop. This one says, hey, Holmberg. My son was beaten off in his room with the door wide open, headphones on, staring out the bedroom door, pants down or bedroom window. Sorry, pants down. Why? Our neighbor's daughter's back. She just graduated from college. She was in her pool totally naked. When I saw what he was doing, poked him on the shoulder and said, hey. I looked out the window and I almost joined the kid. She's magnificent. So my wife, after I told her, wants me to go talk to the neighbors and tell them what's going on down there. What? And I said, if it continues, I'll let them know. Well, every day, except for one last week, she's Been out there and the only thing I've done is send pictures to a couple of buddies. We're a couple of buddies. Yeah. We don't believe you. You wait. I think you're a liar. Yeah. Should I talk to them or just enjoy this ride? Nathan is his name. Oh, Nathan who are you thinking? Brad? Oh, yeah, it is. And on the week's anniversary of.

[Brett]

Yeah. Pastime.

[John Holmberg]

You're having a Phoebe. I didn't even think of that. Your Phoebe Cates moment. Anybody effing knock anymore? Yeah, you just let that one go until she goes back to whatever. She's out of school, so maybe she'll stick around. Maybe she's taking a year. But we really can't make a decision on this without photos. We gotta make sure that this is worthy of it. I have a friend who lives mountainside on tiered houses. So the neighbor's house is above his house, and then another neighbor's house is kind of below, like, as the landscape goes on where he lives. And he told me, he said, oh, the neighbor's daughter and her boyfriend are out in the back. They just cut down all the trees. The landscapers just cut all those. What are those things called? The palo verdes that are thin but they. They push up and screw up. Fuse. Yeah, we got one that screws up our view all the time. And then you thin them out and they just go away. And he said they cut down all the trees. I don't think she realizes it's a straight shot to my office for in the house. And I'm like, that's. I don't believe you. And he just started firing over pictures of this angel walking around the backyard. And like, my God, man. He goes, I can't get any work done at all. I might get. What do you do? Because I'm serious, I have to. I have to leave the room. But then I don't want to leave the room. She's out here. And I'm like, well, summer's only going to be around for another month and a half of her swimming. And then God knows what you're going to do. And he goes, but it's the kid. And so I get a text about two weeks later, just watch two people have sex in the back patio. I'm like, you did. She got right on him and boned away. Like, did you get any work done? Absolutely no work done today. Just. Just. Yeah. He said, I just watched this. He goes, I didn't stay for the whole thing. I'd be perverted, but I Did recognize that she was riding him. And. And I gave it a look, and I'm like, totally nude and no thong to the side. And I'm like, all right, I was that clear. And then he sent me.

[Brett]

I did not check that out. So what's going on over here?

[John Holmberg]

He sends me pictures, and they're like, grainy Bigfoot pictures. And I'm like, dude, come on. Put the flip phone away, pal. Yeah, take a second to, like, clear that up. Up. Tap the screen. Get a nice, you know, focus in. But I think that. Nathan, I think the answer to that email is, you let that go. Summer's almost over. You get another month. She'll be all right out there naked. And your son. Just talk to your son. The bigger thing in this is your son had the door wide open and headphones on. He was whacking off with his pants down. People were home. What are you training that kid to be some sort of. He's going to be nuts. He's going to jail. If he can't control it like that, imagine what he's gonna be like at a strip club the first time he goes. Or. Good Lord, he's just gonna. He's going to jail. Don't send him to golf land. He'll go crazy. If he said, good thing Big Surf still isn't open, he'd be bred on steroids. Down. Yeah. Kids whacking off with the door open. I've never understood. That is something you. You know, to hide, that. You know, to shut and lock doors, you know, to make sure that mom and dad aren't around. You just don't whack off in the middle of a room with the door open and headphones on. Head on a swivel, man. It's like being on a. Like being on a freeway. You have to know everything that's going on at all times. What's behind you, what's next to you, what's in front of you. You need to be focused on the task at hand and yet aware of everything around you. Peripheral whacking, I call it. You have to have your whack eyes on.

[Brett]

Kid needs to register.

[John Holmberg]

His dad. Should make him register. Well, that's it. You're a sex offender. What? I saw it. Stand there with your pants down, beaten off this. You're like a homeless guy in the middle of Van Buren. You're gonna have to report you, and you're gonna tell the neighbors you're a sex offender. That's what you do. Send the teenage boy over to the house. Um, sir, your daughter's in the backyard naked in the pool lot. And I see it. My dad asked me to tell you to stop embarrass him. But be sure to get an eyeful before that again. Send photos D [e-mail] we'll look for him. Nathan in amongst the 97 we're getting from that nut bag. It's time. My shoes are pain in the ass. I prefer velcro. Who care he's turned into John Madden. Ace of the place. We help the hardware man. Thanks nut bag. Hey, it's not weird.

[Brett]

It's pretty cool actually.

[John Holmberg]

No membership fees. I have heard enough of this. There's more of the best of homework's morning sickness. 98 KUPD it's time now for Brady to give you the rest of the news that we're not paying attention to quite yet. It's known as the Brady Report. It's brought to you by our friends at all Pro Shades. Got a call from a guy yesterday. He's like I gotta get something done. My back patio is. I'm like, yes. What are you waiting for? All Pro Shade, they're getting inundated. You guys are calling them all like crazy. I don't know why you didn't know about them before, but now that you do and you've seen Brady resting comfortably in his back patio in the little commercial that runs on the Internet sometimes just takes you by surprise. It's a beautiful little setup. All Pro Shade will do it for you too. They'll put shade in your backyard, drop that temperature about 20 degrees in the area you need it most and make a little room basically outside of your house. It's like adding square footage. The best thing in the world. And I asked Doug Hopkins this all the time. Time. The new future of home sales is not just your house. Outdoor living space. And all Pro Shade folks can help with that. AllProchade.com that's where you go. Brady reported.

[Brett]

Good Friday morning to you Phoenix.

[John Holmberg]

Hello world.

[Brett]

We've made it.

[John Holmberg]

Hi.

[Brett]

Happy world Listening day and perfect family day.

[John Holmberg]

You're not a CEO celebrates it. Somebody tried to make perfect families.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Now she just puts posters in her sales. We tried so hard to have the perfect family. Little blonde boys. Blue eyed. Little blonde girls with blue eyes. Selling, selling.

[Brett]

Couple of basis fun facts. Vancouver Stanley park is 10% larger than Central park in New York City.

[John Holmberg]

Wow.

[Brett]

Wow. Got a lot of Vancouver news this week.

[John Holmberg]

Did you say 10 times?

[Brett]

10 times larger? 10% larger.

[John Holmberg]

S. Oh, good to say. 10 times 10 times Central Park.

[Brett]

10% larger.

[John Holmberg]

How much of Vancouver is missing Has.

[Brett]

A thriving gray squirrel population?

[John Holmberg]

All of Canada does.

[Brett]

All of the gray squirrels found there are descendants of eight pairs of gray squirrels that Vancouver got as a gift from New York City. Central park park in 1909.

[John Holmberg]

They gave them squirrels.

[Brett]

Yep.

[John Holmberg]

To put in their park.

[Brett]

The gray squirrels. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

That is the most ignorant thing that seems like we've ever done here. You guys don't have any of these. This can't hurt anything. Hey, thanks a lot, eh? We're gonna really. Hopefully these squirrels thrive. We don't know if they live in this kind of temperate. We don't know what the. What. What are they. Yeah. What do they eat? They'll figure it out. Don't worry about it. They're squirrels. They live outside. We have them all over.

[Brett]

The first tailgate on record happened in 1861. For. They're giving the credit to the people that traveled to watch the battle of the of Bull Run in the civil War. They had picnics set up, I was sure in history class. One of my history teachers, when that went on.

[John Holmberg]

You had a class back in the day.

[Brett]

It was just a couple years after that tailgate.

[John Holmberg]

I was in history class when Bull run happened as the pregnant paws made that happen.

[Brett]

But my teacher was talking about that, said they traveled out there and thought.

[John Holmberg]

This is gonna be great. Was Gettysburg.

[Brett]

And then when they started seeing the. The lead and skulls and stuff.

[John Holmberg]

Gettysburg had a crowd.

[Brett]

A Yakko Rama.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Gettysburg had a crowd that showed up knowing that there'd be a battle there. And then people brought their families to see what was going on. And it was just a bloodbath that they had to run for from. We've had plenty of wars where people's. You know, I mean, think about that. We still do it. Car crash. You slow down and look. I mean, imagine if they're like, hey, there's going to be a. A war fight.

[Brett]

Skirmish.

[John Holmberg]

Putting out that camping chair. Wait a second. I kind of want to watch this. You might get on your roof and take a look. Technically, tailgate, I'm not going to get a cooler full of beer in, like, pre. Pregame, but maybe. By the way, congratulations to Miami. Eh? We've got a park up here in Vancouver. I understand you're opening up one down in Miami. Wanted to give you a polar bear for that. We got these all over too, Grizz. Polars. Hopefully it does well and thrives in your park like it does in ours.

[Brett]

Eh.

[John Holmberg]

I think you really enjoy them. They're stupid. What a dumb thing our ancestors used to do. Just drag animals into new ecosystems and say, this can't hurt.

[Brett]

Police on the Jersey shore have been running a ride at this event that they hold every year for the past 20 years. It features a low speed golf cart that's rigged up to simulate the experience of a drunk driver. You're not in it alone. A cop rides with you on it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

But things somehow went awry this week when the cart was being driven by a miner. It veered off the course, crashed into a crowd of people. People striking. Four adults and a kid. Mission accomplished. Firefighters were already on the scene. They immediately began to treat the injured persons. Five people were taken to the hospital. Three have since been released. The condition on the other two are unknown. The police issued a statement and said they were sending their sincere thoughts and prayers to those injured.

[John Holmberg]

How's that working?

[Brett]

The accident is under investigation. It's unclear if alcohol was involved.

[John Holmberg]

To get drunk and drive the drunk driving car and aren't like 16 year olds are minor. Yeah. Yeah. So, I mean, that's. Minors are driving the thing all the time. Probably. Yeah.

[Brett]

I don't think that would be uncommon for.

[John Holmberg]

Right.

[Brett]

To teach, that's when you want them.

[John Holmberg]

To know this is hard. You have to be an expert. Practice, actually. What that is is just, you got to get good at this here. I've rigged up this car to make it. You're gonna. And then the more you drive it, you're like, I've got this. You're gonna encourage drunk driving if you give them a tool to train on.

[Brett]

Archaeologists found a 3,200-year-old Egyptian tablet that shows attendance and work absences on it. When they're working on the pyramids. It was on limestone. It was a slab of limestone.

[John Holmberg]

This is made up black. This is not right. They were slaves. Who's keeping track?

[Brett]

This ancient Egyptian tablet displayed at the British Museum.

[John Holmberg]

IPads. Yeah.

[Brett]

Was a work supervisor's attendance sheet. And a couple of the excuses are pretty good why they're not to attend.

[John Holmberg]

They were slaves.

[Brett]

No, they. They have unearthed archaeology as well. It wasn't all slaves working on the.

[John Holmberg]

A lot of slave.

[Brett]

I don't know if you had choices back then.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. I knew you were working on the pyramid.

[Brett]

Well, evidently the ones that did. One got stung in the eye by a scorpion. Couldn't go to work today. The other wore. That's a valid family member.

[John Holmberg]

Even if you're a slave. I think even your slave owner's like, yeah, that guy's not Gonna make it today. He's kind of useless out there on the old pyramids. It wasn't a union job back in the day. I mean, you know, you better get stung in the eye by something. Well, funnily enough. And he had to show up. You couldn't call in.

[Brett]

An employee named Paneb couldn't make it in because his mother was ill. One person said, we, I'm not making into work today because I'm making beer.

[John Holmberg]

People who believe beer was big, people who believe in the Bible call that time. The employees of the pyramid every, every Friday got paid. The pyramid employees, not the incredible slavery that was going on. It's like us going this plantation here. We used to have thousands of employees. Of course they'd have an ex. I have my sheet of excuses. This here was my buck. He broke his leg and I missed a day. And then we patched him up and got him right back out into the field. He was employed to work.

[Brett]

Excuse me.

[John Holmberg]

What is that, Django? Excuse me. You have an excuse? Your mother's sick. Oh, you know what we're gonna do? Kill your mother if you don't go to work. Hurry up. You think she's sick now?

[Brett]

Can't come in today because I had to embalm my mother.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, but that's that one. The guy who got stung in the eye had to actually go in and go, hey, I'm not gonna be very helpful today. You want to put that on your giant stone tablet?

[Brett]

No, he called him on the phone, said, I'm not making.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, how much money did they waste on the stone tablets? If it was day to day attendance sheets. Oh my God, you're not a race.

[Brett]

I'm gonna need you to kind of cut off a couple more sheets.

[John Holmberg]

This is garbage.

[Brett]

Yeah, and delivering it to him. Boss here's the rundown.

[John Holmberg]

There's a dude over in Egypt right now laughing his ass off and goes, they think it's real.

[Brett]

This is the basis of every Flintstones, by the way.

[John Holmberg]

I need another chunk of stone for an attendance.

[Brett]

What was the Bedrock's boss's name? Mr. Slater.

[John Holmberg]

No, Mr. Slate wasn't. It was just Slate. Yeah. And then he have his stupid you're fire and he'd carve out a thing. And then I'm like, where's the filing cabinet for all this big thick rocks that they would chunk out notes on? I'm like, man, what a waste.

[Brett]

An Uber driver in Chicago threw a brick at someone's house after they got a one star review. 17 year old kid Ordered an Uber take him to the mall on Friday. He says the driver seemed agitated, drove erratically, took a longer route necessary. Here's where it's going to start. The kid told him take the highway. But instead the guy took the surface roads. He gave the guy a one star review and he got dropped off. And that was the end of it. Until the next day when the driver showed back up at his house.

[John Holmberg]

Chucked a brick at.

[Brett]

Yep.

[John Holmberg]

You got to remember this unstable person who may be having some financial difficulties knows where you live.

[Brett]

Yep.

[John Holmberg]

Don't do one star. It's like giving a one star review before your food shows up at a restaurant. They know where you live. Uber drivers don't get anything less than a three. And that's if they try to kill you. I've been in. Three is crushing. The dude would have to turn and put a gun to my head for me to give him anything less than a 3. Like nope. You're still. You're still getting me from A to B. And you know where I live. I'm not pissing you off.

[Brett]

And now it's time for some science news.

[John Holmberg]

Cuz you're around. Trying to be part of everything. Not doing your job. Focus man. You're right. Asking all these questions about something that happened 10 minutes ago.

[Brett]

We'll get to the the mysterious black ring that appeared in the sky. Hear about this?

[John Holmberg]

No.

[Brett]

It appeared in the sky in Virginia on Tuesday. Some people flipped out. They almost surely they saw a giant smoke ring. But some thought it was a ufo.

[John Holmberg]

Are you going to do the music?

[Brett]

Is this it?

[John Holmberg]

No. I was UFOs and base and stuff. I figured that wasn't that science. Just hit the button. Hello my friends. Turned all the way there.

[Brett]

Professor Brady Bogan here with your science news. A study found that more than four cups of coffee or two energy drinks a day could cause heart damage.

[John Holmberg]

Whatever. We're living to be 90. We gotta find some way to cut this off.

[Brett]

In AI news. A study in England found things like Chat GPT don't actually pose a serious threat to society yet. So we should all chill out and stop worrying about it.

[John Holmberg]

That's what Chat GPT would tell you.

[Brett]

I know.

[John Holmberg]

That was written by Chat GPT. Everyone calm down. We're friends. That's what the alien always says in the movie. We are coming. Peace. And then they blow you to bits.

[Brett]

Scientists developed a new way of producing super wood with Semen X? No. It's basically the superwood. It stores more carbon and reduces emissions.

[John Holmberg]

Like actual wood products?

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

So climate.

[Brett]

Wood burn. Burn cleaner.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Climate.

[John Holmberg]

So it's artificial wood?

[Brett]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

Are you sure?

[Brett]

No.

[John Holmberg]

Why answer? We've got over this. Why answer?

[Brett]

I can't help myself.

[John Holmberg]

You can't? You really can't? Can't. Can I see the story? I have curiosity. It's called curiosity. I'd tell you to look it up but you're not curious enough. So. Oh, it's just a one off. He's putting stars next to these little headlines.

[Brett]

I should say that they're just headlines.

[John Holmberg]

But it has a link in there, doesn't it? Yeah. Okay. Climate and scientists developed new way of producing superwood that stores more carbon. But it's not okay. And I'm glad you didn't do this because in parentheses the little sheet says, careful, I've got super wood in my pants. But they're not taking. You can tune up the dial for that. They're not taking nothing. Like they do melamine. They do that fake melamine wood and take pulp and make wood out of it. You don't know.

[Brett]

For a minute I thought you were talking. I'm just hoping it's a better Duraflame that they've produced a more quality. Fate burns longer. You're looking for smoke products. No. Duraflame doesn't smoke.

[John Holmberg]

Oh.

[Brett]

A study found that the 6 ton ultra stone at Stonehenge likely came from 500 miles away.

[John Holmberg]

That whole thing is if you don't look at Stonehenge and wonder how did this happen? You're just. You have no curiosity in your body. All the stones are from somewhere else. And when you consider when it got put together they didn't have any ability to roll those things outside of on other stones. And they'd roll at 8 or 9ft. See the new theory about the pyramids? Crazy. They think they moved those stones of the water. Yeah.

[Brett]

They filled it from the inside.

[John Holmberg]

Like it will never know. The aliens will never come back and tell us. We pissed them off and they go. They ghosted our ass. There's. We're never gonna hear from them again.

[Brett]

A study found that bug sprays meant to deter cockroaches don't work well anymore. And now the term super roaches is being tossed around. It's happened a few times with cockroaches.

[John Holmberg]

What do you mean? Get impervious to the raid sprays Strengthen the raid. Had a dead little cockroach under my coffee table the other day. Just looked down and there he was. I don't know. Like they roll over. That's it. I'm done. Get on their backs. Like the guy will clean me up.

[Brett]

So back to the black smoke ring. There you go. In Virginia. Because people were causing traffic accidents.

[John Holmberg]

What's the black thing?

[Brett]

Someone thought it was an ominous SOS signal.

[John Holmberg]

I always thought a black smoke ring was just menthol. Just making the. I didn't know.

[Brett]

Cool.

[John Holmberg]

Just made black smoker. Hello?

[Brett]

News outlet tried to investigate. But as far as we know they haven't figured out what caused it. But some theories been thrown out that it could have been a truck. A diesel truck exhaust. And the ring. It's big. It must have kept expanding on its way up and stayed together. There are also some videos demonstrating the science of it. Which is not unlike you blow a smoke ring from a pipe and get it that big. But they're. They're saying something else could have blown up. And costa.

[John Holmberg]

They don't know where the smoke came from. It just happened.

[Brett]

It could have been from a power transformer.

[John Holmberg]

Maybe they should know. Is there anything in the area that's blowed up?

[Brett]

No one's come up with anything.

[John Holmberg]

That's the problem I'm having.

[Brett]

The annual Perseid meteor shower is happening this weekend.

[John Holmberg]

Always in August.

[Brett]

So look out for some shooting stars.

[John Holmberg]

Oh. We'll be up north. We'll hold hands.

[Brett]

Can't wait.

[John Holmberg]

We're gonna be in the woods together. Probably not gonna do that. Of us holding hands or the meteor show.

[Brett]

All of it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

In physics. The secret ingredient for nuclear fusion and limitless energy.

[John Holmberg]

Got it.

[Brett]

Might be in mayonnaise. It behaves like plasma under certain conditions. And it's a lot easier to work with. Scientists are using it as a stand in to better understand the precise physics of plasma.

[John Holmberg]

Well we're soon gonna have a nuclear.

[Brett]

Expert on the show then.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. He is about to start his quantum physics run with the people of Helman. Or do you. Are you?

[Brett]

Bring out the best baby. Bring out the helmet.

[John Holmberg]

Maybe if you put it on another sandwich I'd understand it more because the first one has scientifically disappeared.

[Brett]

Looks like we're out of plasma.

[John Holmberg]

Hey. We're out of this place. Some sort of weird phenomenon going on. Or the plasma just keeps disappearing into my belly. I do believe I have more plasma. Test me.

[Brett]

Keep it coming.

[John Holmberg]

Keep coming. I wonder if I just have a steady stream of it. If it would show up in my blood like asparagus. Does your pee smell? I'm your. I'm half plasma. You want some mayonnaise? Science. I'm your huckleberry. Pour it In.

[Brett]

In geology. Controversial study found Earth might only have six continents, not seven.

[John Holmberg]

It claims we lost one.

[Brett]

Nope. It claims that the tectonic plates under North America and Europe haven't fully broken apart yet.

[John Holmberg]

Wow.

[Brett]

So we still might be considered one supercontinent.

[John Holmberg]

We're still part of Europe. Ew.

[Brett]

That's the theory.

[John Holmberg]

All right, well, let's get some Mexicans down there and start sawing that thing in half. I don't want to be part of this. I want my own. Canada can be European, but not us.

[Brett]

In kitchen science, a study found that microwaves have their own microbiome. They zap and kill normal bacteria, but they're loaded with extremophiles or bacteria that can survive and thrive in harsh environments.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, so they got stuff that cleans up the microbes.

[Brett]

That's why you clean out your. Yeah, but they created these, like the creatures that can live and volcano vents.

[John Holmberg]

They've learned to survive, so over time they've adapted.

[Brett]

Bacteria can. Yeah. Survive. The microwave.

[John Holmberg]

Darwinian microwave bug.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

That has said used to be murdered by the microwaves and now has become stronger.

[Brett]

As long as it makes that hot pocket taste better.

[John Holmberg]

Well, I don't care about that. I'm just saying. You realize you just. You just told us about evolution. Irradiate. My. Yeah, just they're mutant, but it's.

[Brett]

Or maybe that's the first time they've tested. Never know there. There's always bacteria that survives after the fact.

[John Holmberg]

So why would they tell us about. If it was the first time, they'd be like, hey, we just found this. They just said that they've adapted one scientist. You see what I did there?

[Brett]

I wonder if I. Does anything live in there?

[John Holmberg]

After that you took your story and I said, you know, you just said that's. That's evolution. And now you're defending that. It's just that it never happened. It's always been a rap. You think they've always been around.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

You don't think anything that they did. Not science until man has discovered it. Well, yeah, but science is wrong. They used to die and now they're saying, wow, these things now survive in a microwave. They got used to. Used to clean itself out. And now these little guys are living through the microwaves, which means they've adapted, changed and grown stronger than the microwaves. Like the gonorrhea. Gonorrhea now is not super gonorrhea. Well, that's right. They call it super gonorrhea because it's adapted. It. It's Changed. It fights off the stuff. The stronger ones have survived, and now super gone. There's, like, a medicine that, like, it's not for me. You have microwave evolution. Oh, chaos. Microwave evolution. And now he doesn't like that. He said it.

[Brett]

NASA wants to build a hover. Hover train on the moon. This guy NASA, he's like, I'm gonna lay down some magnetic tracks and build this hover train that'll just go from station to. It'll build little shops they'll go by.

[John Holmberg]

Or station. Hold on. Science news is the ramblings of a madman. I think he's even going to the moon.

[Brett]

This guy has put a proposal together to NASA, and NASA says, all right, thank you. Let's. We want to look into it.

[John Holmberg]

There's a long coat for you until they get the.

[Brett]

Until they get the number to build it.

[John Holmberg]

NASA gave him a nice long coat. So why don't you put this on and put your hand. There you go. You're gonna stay in a room for a little while that's really, really comfy.

[Brett]

Or is this our listener from Maricopa?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, the guy that wants the train that's underground that follows the dolphin. We said the same thing to him. Okay, nut bag, move along. Hopped up on goofballs.

[Brett]

Well, put your proposal together. Let's see some numbers.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And he did it. And it looks good from our perspective. If we ever have people up there, we'll have trains and buildings. We've got a plan to build a train on the moon, right? I'm curious. Go ahead.

[Brett]

In alien news, a study found at least seven nearby stars could be surrounded by Dyson spheres. They. They're the theoretical megastructures. An advanced civilization would build around their star to harness its energy. The seven stars behave oddly, but there are also other explanations that might be more likely.

[John Holmberg]

Sounds like a Marvel movie waiting to happen.

[Brett]

In AI news, people think Chat GPT's sexy new voice sounds like Scarlett Johansson's AI character in the movie.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, they're in sixth place in the ratings. ChatGPT. That's pretty good for an automated show like that.

[Brett]

Apple is adding an eye tracking feature that lets people with disabilities control their phone or their iPad with just their eyes. Sorry, Sean.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, boy. Why did you take a swing at our blindfold? I didn't take a swing. It's true.

[Brett]

And new gene editing breakthrough might eventually cure herpes.

[John Holmberg]

Hey, if somebody next to you just went, yes. Oh, if the guy here. If the roofer next to you just got real happy, start pointing and laughing at him. He couldn't help it. Hey, shut up. Guys win. Brady win. I'm asking for a friend.

[Brett]

No timeline.

[John Holmberg]

If a girl in her cubicle just threw her arms in the air. Yes, I can finally get rid of Greg and date a regular guy. I've really settled.

[Brett]

They're saying right now they've got. It's looking pretty good as far as taking care of the outbreaks. The blisters and. Yeah, that comes from the herpes flare up.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah, we know enough. Bumpy road. Weeping sores on genitals. Yuck. I'm eating breakfast. Breakfast.

[Brett]

Finally, researchers in Switzerland. Switzerland have come up with a gel that coats your stomach and prevents you from getting drunk. They think it might be also be able to sober people up.

[John Holmberg]

Ladies, let me just put this gel on your guts. You'll be fine for the whole night.

[Brett]

Ace Ventura, where he drinks a bottle of olive oil to do that same thing.

[John Holmberg]

It's a belly gel and you can't get drunk. Yeah, it's got to be great for your liver.

[Brett]

Coat your stomach.

[John Holmberg]

You just pour more and more alcohol in and nothing happens. It's a counter. We're gonna need Narcan for this. Eventually somebody's gonna. This is a. This is.

[Brett]

The gel wore off.

[John Holmberg]

Are you. So you don't get dressed so you could like. You get plastered and it's the drunk Narcan. You rub it on your belly and you can drive.

[Brett]

I think you have to ingest it. For those true alcoholics who really like the taste. Katie, KB will be trying coach your stomach and prevents you from getting drunk.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I thought you meant you rubbed it on like, fix. Coat your stomach after you drink it. Like Pepto Bismol. Oh, okay. So it's a shellac for your gut line.

[Brett]

So it prevents the alcohol to.

[John Holmberg]

It can't get in your bloodstream. At least until it wears off. Then what? Then you just have diarrhea for days.

[Brett]

They're working on that.

[John Holmberg]

This is. This can't be good. This can't be good to do to your stomach. This is like Ozempic. It's like. Yeah, you'll lose weight. You'll see what happens after, who knows? Brady, Joe wants you to send him a link for the herpes cure, so.

[Brett]

Oh, there you go. Okay.

[John Holmberg]

He's. He's waiting on that. Asking for a friend. Yeah, if you guys could do me a solid. I got a couple friends that have that problem. I'm not. Not me. But if you could put that up on your website with, like, pointing Arrows at it and stuff. I think a lot of people could benefit.

[Brett]

That's your science news.

[John Holmberg]

Are there no more Sherlock Holmes in the world? This smoking comes from some type of fire. I will look no further into this. It's just magic is what I say. He's gonna be an idiot not to sit back and say, where did that come from? Did something just recently blow up and then backtrack? Okay, this blew up. That could be where the smoke ring came from. And you move forward with your hypothesis. But no, you and your life. You and your following through stupid. And I'm the guy who didn't want to go to science class. I'd rather watch a horse get. Man, that girl horse standing in that pen. A homemade boxed in pen. And she's just standing there. When they brought that boy out, the two of them went nuts knowing that they were just. It would be like when. If, like Larry has a date that goes well, they'd acted the exact same way. It's been like jumping around. That horse got hard. Immediately horrifying. I wish I had that one of those 80s handicams. I'd show that at every gathering at my house. This happened to me in eighth grade. Who's the guy in the dress? That's Father Dale. He went to all this stuff. It's not weird.

[Brett]

It's pretty cool, actually.

[John Holmberg]

No membership fee. I have heard enough of this. All they show with none of the fluff. Let's get started. There's more of the best of Humbert's morning sickness. But speaking of the lgbtq, it's time we had a talk. It's time we had a talk. The All Star MVP from the Major League Baseball All Star game was. Jaron Duran placed for the Red Sox. Right? Nobody watched all the way through to the end of that game. It was kind of a drag. Jaron Duran won the mv. He's a good player for the Red Sox. Red Sox are a decent team. Nothing special, but they good. He's standing in the on deck circle in Boston, Massachusetts, and he's not hitting right now. Somebody screams from the crowd, you need a tennis racket, Jaren. Go back in the dugout, get a tennis racket because you're not going to hit it with that bat. That's Boston. It's Boston. That's about as tame as Boston can get. Go get yourself a tennis racket, Jaren. Jaren Duran turns and he goes, f U homo F word. And the mic's picking up. So he calls him the Effin Baguette. Now as far as I understand it, all racial slurs were born in Boston. This is a tribute to the city. He's suspended for two games. Had to write a letter of apology to the LGBTQ community. Here's my beef with that dude was acting like an. An effing homo F word and deserved to be slurred in some way, some shape, some form. What are we supposed to do? Have a, like a pre approved list of. Of I hate you words to a guy who's pissing us off individually? I'm gonna call you the worst thing in the world when you have the balls to stand up and scream at me and I know he should be bigger and we should step up. Sometimes you just can't and you just turn and go, ah, you, you, ah, that guy. You're mad at one individual. It doesn't mean you hate all gays. You're trying to hurt that particular person's feelings. And in Boston, chances are, dude standing up, screaming at you with a beer and two hot dogs in his hand doesn't like being called the homo F word. So it's a way to hurt him back.

[Brett]

That's it.

[John Holmberg]

Like he looked at a dude and saw blue collar selfie. Probably got these tickets from his company, screaming and yelling at him in the most classless way possible, which for Boston is the lowest bar in the world. And he's screaming and yelling at him, and Jaren throws back the one thing that would probably piss him off. You bang dudes in the dirtiest, grossest way possible. Don't you? Insult. I'm sure the guy didn't like hearing it. Who? Oh, hey, hey. You called me a right? No way. Anyone in the first 100 rows of an event at Boston hasn't heard the homo F word that day, let alone just once. They've said it 25 times. So for them to act like a gas. And by the way, it's his home team. These were his fans yelling at him. This wasn't like a out of town thing. These are the guys that are supporting the Red Sox telling this guy to go grab a tennis racket because you ain't hitting anything with that bat. You're gonna get called that name now. Special guest on the line has something to say. Tom Brennaman here, voice of Puerto Rican baseball and football on the cw. What the goes on in this world where you get a two game suspension for that and I lose every job I've ever had for saying it once? It's true, Tom. The Pope said it twice. Still, the Pope it's true, Tom. Once again, my weekly picks it up.

[Brett]

On the live mic.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it's the same thing. So where's the double down? What's the distance? What's the rule here? Cause there's a good chance that someday someone's gonna piss me off, and I'll turn and I'll go, shut up. Because I want to make that. When did we lose, like, in. In murder? When there's murder, we have degrees of like. Well, he wasn't in his right mind. That was a crime of passion. When will we have a slur of passion? When will we have the forgiveness of the slur of passion? That it wasn't premeditated. It isn't a constant problem. It's a slur of passion. This guy pissed me off, and I threw a bomb at him. I nuked him verbally. When will we have that? To where a dude's like, look, sorry about that. Clearly don't mean it for all gay people. That guy pissed me off, and I wanted to hurt his feelings. Bad words hurt people's feelings. I should be above it. I'm not. None of us are. I'm in Boston. It's like. I think that's how they say hello here. Hey, what's up? Welcome to Boston.

[Brett]

It's dicks and stones.

[John Holmberg]

It is dicks and stones, Brady. It's just this constant, overwhelming desire to be victimized as a group of people. You weren't involved in that, and none of you. None of you were hurt by it. Yes. It's a dirty word. Get over it. Knock it off. One dude pissed another dude off, and he called him a. It happens. You know, it's. It's a slur of passion. We need this to be a real thing. I've slurred passionately before. I'm sure Brett has. Look at this over here. Like, we've all done it. So to act aghast that the word still exists and gets used. Oh, my goodness. Stop it. You're in Boston. I think it's on the big board. All right, on your feet.

[Brett]

You know, they're gonna have to get to the point in live sports to just get rid of the microphones and do what CBS does with a fake bird that doesn't live there and just put the sounds in.

[John Holmberg]

Hello, friends. We're from a live broadcast studio somewhere else. So you can't hear anything that's going on on the field. No ambient sound in case one of the players calls one of the drunken fans of.

[Brett]

Again, the guy hitting the. In the Old day. The broadcasting. Yeah, Hitting the wood stick on the thing.

[John Holmberg]

That was the Kevin Costner movie. Pretending to be on the road. There's a ground ball to second base. Look, we have to get over this immediately. And the dude got suspended for two games. So fine, suspend him for dirty words. Baseball, not known for dirty words at all. Those players are great. They just. All they do is talk about the Lord Jesus and how much they love their wives. That's what I know from pro baseball. Those guys are puritans.

[Brett]

Except in Boston.

[John Holmberg]

In Boston, that is being a puritan. Most people will call their father or mother the homo F word in Boston. Have you not heard that? Fuck the car. I am your father. I wasn't talking to you. I am your mother. Morning. I was talking to you. Morning, ma. How you doing? They. They slur non stop in that city. Knock off the fake, you know, outrage. It's crazy.

[Brett]

Tommy.

[John Holmberg]

And Tom Brennaman gets his goddamn jobs. Four years, all of them. He said the homo F word one time on the air accidentally. It wasn't a slur of passion. Second degree slur. He's paid his price. He's. And I know he's getting college football on the CW or whatever. That isn't a job anybody wants. He's a pro. He's a good dude. He made an error in judgment with people he hangs with, like all of us. And he's got a five year now because it'll be past this. He won't get into be the fifth season of football. He's not doing. Because it's just so egregious to have him back in that booth. What he's done to the community. Set them back thousands of years. Two game suspension. For the dude in Boston, though, no suspension. An apology is plenty. And by the way, the guy that should be apologizing is the drunken knob that wouldn't shut up. Yelling at the. The team he's actually supporting to the point where the guy lost it and snapped and called him and shut the up you homo F word. Stop it. To act like the word is just never. You can never use it. And it's this thing, you know. You know who I kind of blame for this? I'm gonna get in trouble. Black people. Oh, here we go. You guys started this with the N word. When somebody says it who isn't in your crew, you had one word that's like off limits. And we agree. Like, I agree with you. I'm like, that one's got heat. So they've got it. So then the gays went out and said, well, we want a word that makes everybody have to get fired if they say it towards us. Now. Everybody needs a word. Everybody gets a word that offends them to the point where everybody's fired for saying it if they don't look the same or do the same things. If I was. If I was a Jiren, I would go out and say, oh, by the way, I'm a homosexual, so I can say it. And then I would, you know, give somebody in Boston a hand job right there on TV to prove it and watch everybody go, oh, my God, did you see? He's. He's a himself. And they would say it all. You'd hear the whole city in unison, like a choir, say the homo F word. Because that's what Boston would do. The windows would shatter, and it would be all over.

[Brett]

It's telling, you know, teens, too. These are forbidden words.

[John Holmberg]

Oh. Makes them want to do it. It's like, tell them not to chew gum. Dude did something sort of wrong, but not that big a deal. It says, as it turns out, John Duran was actually just trying to call the Red Sox mascot Wally, which he's known as. The green over there is the big Green Homo F word. I didn't know that. It's very much like the Dinger situation where they. But the nickname for the mascot is the F word in Boston. And they're like, oh, all right, fans, get ready for the dancing. Oh, that. I'm Wally, the big Green. Yeah. Robert says, seriously, when you drive into Boston, there's a sign that says, welcome to Boston, you homo F words. Now leave. It's true. Boston is the home of the Slur. The original House of Slur is Boston, Massachusetts. I've never met somebody with that accent that hasn't called me. Hey, Bag. It's. We used to have one that worked here. Yes. I mean, man. Oh, my God. I forgot about him. We had a dude from Boston. You got a couple beers in Katie Bar at the door. Those were slurs I'd never heard before. Oh, yeah.

[Brett]

Every three words.

[John Holmberg]

He said he lived on N Word Lane once, drunk to an Uber driver. We were trying to get me there wicked fast. We were trying to type in his address for the Uber driver to take his drunken Bostonian ass home. And I said, what's your address? 1, 2, 3, 4 lane. I'm like, that's not a street. That is not a street. And stone. Yeah, well. And then I live in Arizona. Eight, five, double. Oh, no, no. You've said the N word. Eight times. I'm laughing, but doesn't mean you've got a good audience. This is terrible. What's going on? Now tell the Uber driver where you live. 1, 2, 3, 4. Not there. Then came back in the next day like a typical Irish Bostonian, crying and handing people dusty bottles of alcohol from his shelf. Because what he had to do after he got home and told his wife the tale was take all the alcohol out of the house somehow. And he. And he, as a Bostonian, only a Bostonian would do, tried to pass it off as gifts. This is a dusty bottle of Jack. I wanted to say I'm sorry. By giving me all the alcohol you're not allowed to have in the house anymore. I see through this. Why'd you bring me a quarter bottle of Jack? Why is this one cracked? I don't know. Seals broke. Just take it. Don't. Don't be a. Just take it. Effing evaporation. What do you want me to do? So stop it. Stop acting like this dude did something so terrible. It's not good. But that was its intent. Its intent was to hurt another guy's feel feelings. And sometimes it happens. Remember Jonah Hill? Jonah Hill had that poppy guy, and he kept trying to bang into his door and he goes, knock it off. Because he was pissed. It was a slur of passion. And it came out of his mouth because he was pissed at the guy. Got it on tape and said he hates all gays, and that's not it. And then he went on Fallon and started crying. I don't use that word. I'm like, look, Pineapple Express. You use tons of terrible words. Don't. Don't pass off that. You're so self. You're just the most righteous person on the planet. That makes. Part of the reason I like Jonah Hill was Superbad. I could imagine that character. And that person says a lot of terrible stuff, and not in a malicious or awful way. The Wolf of Wall street, too, man. Horrible stuff going on. And he looked real comfortable with it. Oh, yeah. I didn't really see Jonah Hill going. It wasn't like when George Strait did that movie Pure Country. Yeah. And then the big thing was, well, the love interest in this movie. And I never kiss because I'd never, ever do that to my wife. Well, then you're not much of an actor, are you? I'll never kiss her because I never escaped the fact that I'm committed to that one woman and one woman only. Well, then hire her to be in the movie. She's not pretty enough. So, you know, yeah, Jonah Hill seems super comfortable with. With terrible words and doing terrible things. He looks really. He's not that good an actor to be like, well, I'll just put all this personal stuff aside.

[Brett]

You know what? I'll do my own lines.

[John Holmberg]

I'm not saying that Wolf of Wall street. He wrote his own script. Yeah, Super Scorsese movie, please. And if the word's so painful, then let's just be mad at Great Britain for calling cigarettes that. Because if I started to say it right now and I'm not gonna. Because that's just, that's, you know, that's for the shock value. But I could very easily get away with it saying a British person smoking a. They say it all the time because that's what they call cigarette. So boo hoo. Boo hoo. It's not that tough. This isn't Stonewall. You guys haven't been set back. And frankly, no one really cares that you're gay. Everybody's kind of like, right, just don't scream about it. Don't go all Tim Walls about it. It's just ridiculous. But now a guy can't play baseball for two days. That should do it. That should. That'll teach. He'll never say that again. At least you know what it's going to do. It's going to closet it. He's only going to say it and mean it like quietly in his car now. Like, could you imagine if you were in your. Can you imagine if there was a tape running in your car? How many times you'd lose your job? Every day. The stuff that flies out of my mouth in my car. Oh my God, how many C words I drop a day. I pretty much tap everything that gets you fired. And I've got a 10 minute drive. If I was in the stuff that you guys are in right now, sitting on freeways. Oh, my God.

[Brett]

That'll be the new thing in cars technology, the progressive. We've checked out.

[John Holmberg]

Insurance rates go up because. Well, there's no way you're gonna. I'd be riding my pivot every day. There's no way that. Yep. Uninsured pivot rides. That's all it would be.

[Brett]

We have a recording before the accident.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. What were you doing here when you called everybody? What do you mean when you say I'm gonna murder all the. On the road today? At the time, I felt like killing just about everyone. Is this a normal feeling in the car? Yes. Pretty much every time I feel like killing every. That Exists. Why do you call them that? It makes me feel good. It's a release valve for me. It's almost some sort of Tourette syndrome I've got.

[Brett]

Your earlier testimony said you were very calm and under control at the time.

[John Holmberg]

No, that's not true. The progressive slur machine caught me calling everybody the C word and homo F word. I hope you die in a fire, you transvestite. Piece of. Was not my. It wasn't my proudest moment. And the woman that you hit, you thought she was transvestite? In my rage, she looked like a man in a dress. Yes, but I see now that I was wrong. I was blinded by transvestite visions. And I was very furious at her ruling.

[Brett]

Two days of no work.

[John Holmberg]

I can't work for two days. That should set me straight. It's just so stupid. We're just so stupid. Meanwhile, the world burns. Everybody's pissed off. But we can't have a baseball player get pissed off at a drunk and not just go, hey, don't do that again. You don't you mind not doing that again? Yeah, sorry about that. And then it's over. This guy says, what about an F word? Tax. Just a tax. Whenever you wanted to drop a homo F word out of the rage, like you got a $250 check.

[Brett]

Judge Dread.

[John Holmberg]

How about this? Oh, that's right.

[Brett]

Cussing.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, cussing thing. Yeah, it's Judge Dredd. But how about. There's like. I use. The way I use the Asian HOV Lane is like a membership. I've. I've committed myself to being a membership. I'm in the members program of the Diamond Lane. And so far, they've never asked for fees, but I use it constantly. And if they ever do pull me over, I'll pay my fees. My dues. I'm clearly due. It's been 20 years of using that HOV line. I've never once been caught. So I'm way behind on dues.

[Brett]

I'm telling you. That's a good idea.

[John Holmberg]

Would pay it custom for the HOV tech? Yeah, the horse. Oh, yeah. For sure. Yeah. Yeah. Let's say on average, you get caught once every two years. So give us $500 for an annual membership to the HOV lane.

[Brett]

For the three to seven.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you're allowed in it. You're allowed in it at all times. They do that in California, don't they? Don't you have to pay to be in one of the lanes? I think you have to have, like. You have to follow their rules. I Don't know if you pay. Maybe. I thought you did. I know. I know you have the speed pass lanes for bridges and stuff like that that you can go. But I think they have them, and I think they have other lanes, too, that are that way, too. You pay probably, but I pay, of course, you. Especially in California traffic. So then I would have my. My incredible cus. Tax that if. If, in fact, like, I would pay the state every January that if I'm ever caught on a microphone or anything else saying a slur, I've already prepaid the fine. If I can get, like, I'm allowed to, I'm allowed to. And at the end of the year, if I don't use it, it, I get prorated back, like $150. Good behavior, carry over. Yeah, they drop my rate for next year with me, the national debt would go down. I mean, the way I mean. Me too. Yeah, but I mean, it would be the thing like if. Like if they constantly recorded me in the car. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. There isn't a. There isn't a membership big enough. I just strapped duct tape over my face like a hostage every time I drove to the Safeway. Yeah. I mean, I can't tell you how many times I've rooted death upon the person in front of me that just waits too long for. For them to hit the gas on the Green Arrow. You want to talk about me losing my mind? Go on the Green Arrow. If I'm fourth in line and that first person doesn't go, there's a good chance I'm going to be in that lag traffic. You mother getting mad thinking about it. Nothing. Nothing makes me feel more insane than piloting two tons of metal. I feel. I feel empowered with my Jeep. Probably, I don't know, but £3,000, I don't know. And close to a ton and a half of me standing behind steel just going, I'm the most powerful man in the world. Somebody's texting at the Green Arrow. I'm gonna jam that iPhone right up.

[Brett]

And you see it happening before. Watch this. They're not going to go.

[John Holmberg]

Get off your phone, you screen. It ain't getting any greener. I hope your mother dies. What the hell? It was just text. Jesus Christ. Guy behind me is crazy. It's me. H's morning sickness. Magnet upd. H's morning sickness. Yeah. Theo Vaughn evidently did a podcast with Sebastian Maniscalco. Not the little one Brady does, but the big one. And Theo says I'm not Racist. But I do have flare ups in traffic. That's me. I have racist flare ups in traffic. Nobody's safe in traffic. I avoid the N word. But I've said other ones. And here's where. When it all comes back to roost, if I do slip and say something, get caught on a microphone ever saying something, I'd be like, I told you guys, I did that it would. Sorry. But yeah, I, I just like the rest of you. I dropped the bomb. I dropped some terrible words. So if you caught me. And I didn't mean. But it wasn't malicious. It was a. It was a slur of passion. And I passionately have slurred before. You know, there's. There is murder. We will. We will pull murder sentencing back if it seems like it's just a crime of. He caught her in bad with another guy. They were already fighting. And think about that like you're. You just realize that. Let's say you've. Let's say you make $10 million a year and you worked your ass off and you got this house, this beautiful home. Another beautiful home and a couple of cars and beautiful wife. And a beautiful wife. And you come home talking head song. You come home. Yeah. And there's Vesley and his white ass humping up and down on your. Your beautiful wife. Not only are you angry at the situation, but as a man, you're thinking, I gotta still give her half of this. And she. I'm killing her. Like, that is. That is a. That is the.

[Brett]

Oh, I thought you may. Maybe this gives you a full right to whatever vocabulary you want to use.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, that too. But that's what I'm getting at is the crime of passion. Yeah. When you put it in those terms. That's why courts were like, well, you gotta give the guy a break. He just lost half of everything he's ever earned. And it's because she decided to take Vesli's dick. The dude snapped. And it makes tons of sense. So they, they lessen the sentence because everybody's kind of understanding. Shouldn't have killed everybody. But we understand why you did the same thing. Goes with racial flirts. We need slurs of passion. It needs to be and have it called that. Oh, he slipped with a slur of passion. That's a lesser fine.

[Brett]

You walk into that bedroom and you see that suicidal tenancy shirt. She's going up and down.

[John Holmberg]

You see it hanging. Worst part is, you see he hung it up like it's delicately hung with the stupid suicidal tendencies hat above that and a pair of dickies on the floor. And you're like, I know what's going on in here. That guy's in my wife right now. And you walk upstairs, and there's Vesely man humping that lady. And you just, in your mind, are thinking, this is not only awful, but now I gotta sit and pay her. Now I'm gonna sit in a courtroom and say, she gets 70 grand a month. I should have killed her. Like, that's why people get. And I watch a lot of Dateline episodes. Ladies are the same ladies. The worst part about a lady is they're very rarely crime of passion. They come in, see Veslie humping their husbands, and they're thinking, all right, I'm gonna kill them in three months. They come up with a plan, and they don't get the crime of passion.

[Brett]

Walks through the door, oh, he's making pasta. There's all this pasta hanging in the kitchen.

[John Holmberg]

Right. Goes upstairs, they go, jod Arus. The ladies, they drive to stuff. They think about it. They don't flip out and kill. They look and go, you just signed your death warrant. And then they go and plot and plan. They're like cats. I think I'd still be more calm on that than. Than I am in traffic, though. If I walked in on that, I'd be like, you son of a. All right, but in traffic, you mother. I think I could leave that and still just be angry. Yeah. Without killing everybody. Because I don't want to go to jail in the car. I think I'm perfectly and physically capable of murdering another human. Absolutely. At that time. I think I understand the abs. Brady cussing and screaming when he got. Brady did it on the golf course. I heard Brady drop the F bomb Sunday morning. Yeah. On the Lord's day, about six times. I had a complete meltdown Sunday morning, horrible game of golf. But Brady started to play. Okay. And then on one hole, had a. Like a four pot and long. And. And I heard Brady say the F word. And you know what? It made me so happy, like, just losing it. I was like, that's awesome. Like, he's feeling good right now. This is a nice release. You're watching somebody hit the steam valve.

[Brett]

I need to hear those words to motivate me.

[John Holmberg]

You also need to say those words so you don't become this tempest in a text pot.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

That eventually does kill someone with a golf club.

[Brett]

Did you see steam come out?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I watched a hitch of shoulder the release valve, and it came out in the form of duck. Duck. Duck. Only wasn't saying duck. We'll get. And then I heard we're gonna get corn dogs. I'm a vegetarian. Well, then you'll have duck. Still meat. Anyway, that was something that bugged me as I was pooping my brains out and I saw that. That story yesterday morning. I'm like, come on. It's a slur of passion. You know, the slur of passion. And they say it like the gays say it to each other constantly. And again, I'm blaming you black people for having a bad word that you guys throw around like crazy and then make it like a fireable offense for everybody else to use it to get. You made it. And I understand yours. You were the first in the. You're the first ones in. It's. The original idea is to have a word for a community that only they can use. Good thinking on your part. Gays. You can't. You can't. Copy that. That's trademarked by the blacks. You just can't do. Can't offend you all the time. It just can't. It's not. It isn't that. It just isn't. It's a terrible word, but there's a lot of those. A slur tax would be nice. This guy says, my garbage truck has two cameras on me 10 hours a day. I've been called into HR more than once about my language. And I don't even. Don't even get me started. I love old school gangster rap. And I sing every single word while I'm in the truck. 0f's given. So he's dropping a lot of N bombs in his truck because he's alone and the song calls for it. Tupac moves him. He likes the music. I'm singing the childish Gambino song. The Stay woke N words creeping. I say crackers just because it makes me laugh. And I'm like, I don't want my windows down and get busted with this. But I'm singing occasionally. I look around, I'm like, we're good. I'm in Paradise Valley. Stay woke creepin' say the bomb. It's in the song. It's more fun to sing the actual words. I watched a lady yesterday. I sing pretty hard in the car. Sometimes I get going, lady next to me at 7th street and like Camelback. And I'm at the light and I'm singing. I'm. Oh, geez, I was singing pretty good there. And I turn and look to my right and she is by herself, dancing and Clapping. I'm like, that is a different level of crazy to have choreography in your seat.

[Brett]

Then she's running through barbed wire fences, and let's, like, doing the cha cha.

[John Holmberg]

She's doing the thing. I don't know what she was doing, but then I just looked over and I'm like, what a. And then I drove on because I was in my car. I slurred her. You don't sing Banging the Stallion songs in your car. Oh, no, I don't sing Doja Cat. I don't do. Cat's got one that makes me laugh. I played it for you and we were dying, but we ain't singing it. No way. This one said John. My company uses cameras with mics for our service vehicle. I have access to look at all my technicians while driving. And some of the things they say are hilarious. We've sat them. Sat there and watched them rattle off every name in the book because somebody cut them off. Send those videos our way. I want to see these. Put those up. I would love for those to go public. We've all got it. So. A slur of passion. The dude for the Red Sox, he wasn't wrong. He was trying to hurt an individual person. Person's feelings. And that comes with trying to say terrible things to them. And I know the answer when you're all calm is, why do we have to do that? I don't know. We're human. We just do. Nobody's that cool when you're having it. When you're playing baseball and you're in a slump and think about your four putt. If someone was standing by the green, mouthing off the whole time while you're in the middle of your struggle and continues and just won't stop.

[Brett]

You're.

[John Holmberg]

You of all people. Shut up. You'd say something that that dude, try to hurt his feelings?

[Brett]

I would.

[John Holmberg]

You're in baseball. You're in the on deck circle, and your own fans are coming down on you while you're slumping. And you're already feeling like garbage because you're just like, man. And there's truth to it. I can't hit right now. I should probably go get a tennis racket. God damn it. And then you tell the guy to shut up. Effing homo. F word. And then. And the other thing. Gay people. We've already got an F word. Get mad about another word. We gotta keep one of them. It gets too confusing. He said the F word. So. No, the other one. Oh, Christ. Now I got a whole lexicon of Things I can't say that are just defined by Fs. It's Boston. He should be lucky that's all he called him. It might have been the mayor. Yeah, it might have been the mayor of Boston. It's like good morning over there. I mean, moaning. He's from Boston. You got to give him a break. He lives on 1, 2, 3, 4 lane.

[Brett]

You're a gobbler.

[John Holmberg]

And maybe that guy from Boston that was saying that's where he lived, There's a good chance that he grew up in Boston on N word Lane. I'm pretty sure they have that road there. That is a terrible town. Ted Williams grew up there. Ted Williams probably was the one that took the sheet, pardon the pun, off of the sign that anointed N word Lane. We in Boston real happy here to have Lane. Ted Williams, will you do the honors of removing the sheet from Lane? It would be my privilege, Mr. President. All right. What a great day for the Bostonians and all Lane residents. It's a horrible town filled with horrible, horrible people. That's why they have a horrible accent. So, you know, uh. Oh, it's a warning system. It's Darwinian to have that accent and like, oh, oh, boy. Don't hang out with him in public. That guy's gonna say something terrible, get us all fired. If somebody's got a Bruins tattoo and that accent, you're T minus two minutes from the N word. It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fee. I've heard enough of this. The rest of Homburg's morning sickness. This. This is the big red radio. Well, let's get right to it, then. The entertainment drill is brought to you by our [e-mail]. that's the home of tactical black self defense. If you're a beginner, if you're a person who's not in shape, I hear about it all the time. It's been my focus this week to tell you you need it as much as anyone else. And it doesn't matter what shape you're in, when you walk around the the streets and in public, you never say, I hope nobody attacks me. I'm not in shape. I hope nothing goes wrong today. I'm not in shape. You're in the shape you're in. You present yourself to the world that way every single day. So why not start getting prepared for, you know, the goofs of the world, the people out there that are acting strange. We got a lot of goofy people out there. I took A little jog last night. My legs be feeling good and I'm like, I wonder if I can run. And so I did a little jog last night and I surprised myself. I went for a while. As I came around the, around a corner, a dude was standing right there. And I couldn't tell if he was homeless or just mean. And he came out of nowhere behind a circle K. And I'm like, I'm in trouble. And I looked at him and all I. And I just remember thinking, confidence. Give him the what's up, bro? And looked right at him like I was. I didn't look down. I didn't, you know, I didn't have my phone in my hand looking. And he was looking for trouble. You can sense it sometimes. Somebody looks. It was dark, somebody looking for something. And I just, you know what? He looked at me and probably said, yeah, not a mark. Because I rode by with some confidence. I learned that and little tiny subtle hints that you can learn while that's going on. At React Defense, I learned those things. When you roll up on something, you shouldn't be there. It makes you a little nervous. Don't act scared, act confident. Let them worry. That's how it works. That's called being a sheepdog. And they teach you that right away. Plus they teach you how to punch. They get you in great shape. Cardio, all that stuff. You may not be in shape now, but you will be. And all you have to do is get involved. It's time to get in shape. For crying out loud. Look at yourself. You're a mess. Reactdefense.com it's the home of Tactical Black Brady Entertainment. I can't go another second not saying something. The genie doesn't do anything. What do you mean? Every time she needs shut down, he's like, what do I do? And she's like, I got a genie, dude. He's like, there's no purpose to the genie.

[Brett]

Not for trying. Not for lack of trying.

[John Holmberg]

What do you need? And then she says, I got it. Why am I here? I have no direction. I'm a one dimensional character. Give him a job.

[Brett]

It's buys and tries day. Change it up.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you did leg day last week. Genie's got nothing. She doesn't need him. Job does itself over there. Commercial doors bonk. She doesn't need genie. And then he just butts in. And at the end she always kind of insults him with, hey, you're unnecessary. It's like, ah, we're trying to figure it out with you guys. Yeah, I can't tell if that's the most brilliant advertising campaign of all time or if I just watch too much pornhub because the acting's similar. Hey, we're gonna get called out. I know. I'm just saying. I'm intrigued. I want to hear the next installment and then. Yeah, Charlie Brown's mom's there now. Okay. Who is that? None of your business. Commercial doors, dot com. What's going on?

[Brett]

I want one.

[John Holmberg]

I can't. I can't tear myself away. I am in on Tasha and the genie. I am in. Commercial door. I do, too. I want to know what it would look like. Yeah. Whatever they've done with this genie, they've hypnotized me into thinking maybe my front door is dumb. I need a commercial door for my house. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm so in. You've hypnotized me something. Hey, advertising works. That's all. I'll tell you who else isn't listening to that going, what is going on? Do I need one of those? Yes. Dude, should I get one of those doors? I think I have to. What do you need? I think a door. I wanna. It's like a soap opera now. I wanna know what's next. Not sure what was going on with that one. She just keeps telling that genie, I don't need you, and he keeps showing up, man. I think it's gonna end in a fight. I think it can't end right. Genie and Tosh are gonna fight. They're gonna fight before it's over. Can't wait. Bring me the next. And so maybe I could. I'll go talk to Abad who recorded those and say, hey, hey, can I get a sneak preview for the next one? Because they already pre recorded all this stuff. Does the genie come? Well, you never need me. What happened to us? I think it's time we ended this relationship. Genie. Why, Tasha? I'll do anything. What do you need? It is. You don't care about me the way I need to be cared for. Oh, come on, that's not fair. Acpcommercialstores.com what just happened?

[Brett]

If he goes angry.

[John Holmberg]

You always do this. You nag, nag, nag. This is what I'm talking about. No, let me say something.

[Brett]

Commercial. Commercial. Door. On the lamp.

[John Holmberg]

How come you never asked me what I need? It's just a one way street. Here, doc. Take, take. Genie, Genie, you're overreacting. Well, God damn it, somebody's got to say something. I Want to see commercial doors? I want to see him get paid. Pistons. What happened? Get your popcorn. I don't know what's going on with that. I'm intrigued. I'm all over it.

[Brett]

Next on Genie. Love at first sight.

[John Holmberg]

Genie and Tasha say genie are used to. Well, I'm trying to do my best. You always tell me I'm unnecessary. You know how that makes me feel as a man and a genie? I need a job. I need something to do. I have to feel functional. Well, right now, it's all up to me. God damn it. Asap. Commercial doors, dot com. What happened?

[Brett]

The counselor's like. I think what the genie is trying to say.

[John Holmberg]

See, you're not being heard, Jeannie. And I hear you, but Tasha's not. What does he need to be heard? This is what I'm saying. Do you hear her? Do I hear it? Or is it. Am I crazy or is it me? No, no, Genie, you're being heard. You need to be validated. Tasha, Genie needs to be validated. He's doing his best. But why would I validate him when I can handle all of the calls myself? Well, then what are we doing?

[Brett]

You're love bombing with the wishes.

[John Holmberg]

You're giving him love bombs. It's too much. It's only going to let him down.

[Brett]

His love language is giving.

[John Holmberg]

My love language is giving. And hers is times and service. She just wants to spend time together. I need to feel needed. Do you hear me, Tasha? Genie, I was on the phone. God damn it. ASAP, commercialdoors.com. come on. Genie's gonna get frustrated. I think she's gonna. There's some resentment there. I'd like one time, Tasha, for you to ask Genie what he needs. That's all I'm saying.

[Brett]

Stay tuned.

[John Holmberg]

It would be great, too. Say, genie, what do you need? Now this is about you. What do you need, Genie? Oh, it's a breakthrough. Wait. Oh, Genie, close the big door. I got a. Oh, what a day. Lay down in the lamp.

[Brett]

Let's talk it out.

[John Holmberg]

There's a chance it will work. I want my life right now. Every time there's a conflict, I just want to be able to look at Brady and are in an argument. That's what you say. I've had it. ASAP, commercialtoors.com. and it just ends right there. Until next time. You geniuses have me intrigued. What's going on with that thing? I can't ignore it. Sorry, Brady. That's all I want to talk about.

[Brett]

Jennifer Lopez is going through her divorce right now she fought for divorce.

[John Holmberg]

Jennifer Affleck. She wants that off now. I didn't know that this morning.

[Brett]

She changed her name.

[John Holmberg]

She wants it gone.

[Brett]

Well, if she would end up losing a bunch of money, say records don't sell, she can't tour anymore. She'll be okay. She has a little fallback. She's got 17 million dollar collection of engagement rings.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, geez.

[Brett]

Johnny Noah is number one. He spent 130,000 JLo, married him in 97. Peanuts, divorced in 98. Then Chris Judd $200,000 on the engagement ring there. They married in 2001, divorced 2002.

[John Holmberg]

Okay, that's pretty good.

[Brett]

Then Ben came in with a 2.6 million dollar ring.

[John Holmberg]

Wow.

[Brett]

That ended. That was 2002, ended 2004. Then Mark Anthony really stepped up with a 6.5 million dollar tripled Ben's ring 2004 to 2011. Then a rod gave her a 2 million dollar.

[John Holmberg]

Well, he went backwards. He came in third place.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Did Ben have to buy a second ring with number two?

[Brett]

5.6 mil.

[John Holmberg]

They didn't recycle the first one she had, man. Well, this is assuming that she's got them all, you know, homework that. Now that's not right to say. Let's not make my name Holberg on that. We can't turn the whole show into Holmberg's morning sickness and have it associated. No, just go back to calling me the Jew. That's what I was getting at. Come on. I'm offended. And I still don't even use the old ring. I don't even. Why would we use the no ring when we've got the opening? You know, if you still have it, it still means as much to me. If it's. Maybe we add a little. Some gem on the side. We go to the vortex.

[Brett]

We had the. A list of actors that people couldn't stand. You know, get feedback that worked with them on productions and films and said they were real pricks.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Here's 10 actors who went from the next big thing to fizzling out.

[John Holmberg]

I know one. One for sure.

[Brett]

Name it.

[John Holmberg]

Toby Maguire was not in the top. The other one was the guy from that 70s show. I forgot his name.

[Brett]

Good guess.

[John Holmberg]

Topher Grace. Topher Grace was going to be a star and everybody hated him.

[Brett]

He's still landing parts in a lot of.

[John Holmberg]

Seen him in any.

[Brett]

Number one was Taylor Lautner from Twilight.

[John Holmberg]

He's a prick.

[Brett]

No, he's just. He was the next big thing.

[John Holmberg]

I thought it was from being a. A prick. No, Fizzling out. Yeah, he was a big deal. Okay.

[Brett]

Liam Hemsworth, Hunger Games. Yeah. He does have a new film out. It's on Netflix.

[John Holmberg]

Wasn't he Bone and Miley Cyrus and like all that fell apart? Yeah.

[Brett]

Shailene Woodley. Another one.

[John Holmberg]

Aaron Rodgers wrecked it. And to be fair, she wasn't as hot as an adult as we thought she was going to be when she was young. Like when she was like 17, 18. And in that movie with George Clooney, you're like, she's pretty. Like, this could. And it just went. It didn't go the right direction.

[Brett]

Hayden Christensen.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, he can't act.

[Brett]

Brandon Ralph.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah, I remember him.

[Brett]

Superman Returns.

[John Holmberg]

Dude from. Yeah, the Superman. He was Christopher Reeve Jr. Basically.

[Brett]

Taylor Keach. Kitchen. He was a dude from Friday Night Lights. Waco. John Carter.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Brett]

And I think wasn't he in one of the X Men movies too? Gambit. And then the other one was Anna. Sophia Robb.

[John Holmberg]

Nothing.

[Brett]

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. Oh, the Carrie Diaries. That was it.

[John Holmberg]

Well, because you made dumb movies, your career collapsed. That wasn't your fault.

[Brett]

Looks like Ted Lasso, season four is closer to getting the green light. He just picked up three core members that said they're in.

[John Holmberg]

No.

[Brett]

Hannah Waddington.

[John Holmberg]

Who's Rebecca Waddingham?

[Brett]

Waddingham. Sorry. Yeah, because she's Rebecca Walton, the owner of the team. And then Brett Goldstein, who's Roy Kent. And then Jeremy Swift, he's the director of football operations. Funny character in that.

[John Holmberg]

Which one?

[Brett]

Part of the Wolf pack. He's the guy that always gets his office moved around.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, oh, yeah, the kid. Yeah. All right.

[Brett]

He's an older guy. He's got the family.

[John Holmberg]

I remember him. Anyway, the last season sucked so bad it doesn't matter. And good.

[Brett]

We Interesting.

[John Holmberg]

Jason.

[Brett]

I guess they'll pick it up.

[John Holmberg]

Up from. He can't go. He left. It ended with him going home.

[Brett]

Yeah. He's.

[John Holmberg]

Wasn't his mom dying or something? Spoiler alert. Yeah. I don't know why he went back home.

[Brett]

To be with his kid.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And his family. And like he just came home.

[Brett]

Didn't she come around a little bit, the ex wife?

[John Holmberg]

A little. But I'm not sure how that went. I don't remember cuz that hanging bit.

[Brett]

Saying maybe there's a potential of that.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. First two seasons are great. Last season was dreadful. Have you. Did you watch it? I watched the first season and you guys started telling me because I was catching up and you guys said how bad the third was. Yeah, I didn't want it to be another madman thing where I just got all the way through, and I'm like, okay, I'm done. We got very Twinkie. They had, like, a big song and dance number on the soccer field to say, yeah, that was bad.

[Brett]

I like the song dance number. I mean, I inspired me to dance.

[John Holmberg]

Isabelle liked it. Yeah, it's not weird.

[Brett]

It's pretty cool, actually.

[John Holmberg]

No membership fee. I have heard enough of this. There's more of the best of homework's morning sickness. 98 KUPD. We have not done this yet, ever. But Brady's been honing in on my turf for quite a bit in the last few days, throwing impressions out, making everybody like, all right, all right, big boy. You want to step up to the plate? Let's make this happen. So it is your all.

[Brett]

Even though I tested positive CO Two days ago.

[John Holmberg]

That's right.

[Brett]

I got asthma. I'm gonna do.

[John Holmberg]

I want to know a Lyles here. If it's no good, it's the COVID but mo's not here, so I got to step up.

[Brett]

You also said this week that you're done with impressions.

[John Holmberg]

I did. Oh, no, no. I got a whole bunch of new ones, and I love them, but I don't want to do them because the Internet people. It's frustrating because you get people on the Internet who do impressions in their garbage, and people, like, love them, like, impressions. They've lost their fun to me for a little bit with the Internet because, like, some guy will go on and go, hi, look. And he's just wearing a wig, and he goes, I'm Rudy Giuliani. It's like, you're not even doing a voice. And then everybody goes, oh, that's brilliant. And I'm like, oh, so why not? So Brady's looked at that and said, everybody can do this. And he started to do little Sebastian Maniscalco in the golf cart yesterday, which was the strangest thing I've ever heard. Then this morning, he pulls a Kamala. Out of nowhere, he starts doing jame gum. I'm like, dolphins.

[Brett]

Why don't we put Kamala in there?

[John Holmberg]

I thought for sure you can add her in there with the. It's your Called your imagination. Throw it in, man. But there I am thinking, well, I thought we had a guy for that job job on this show. But evidently, there's a new taker, and we're putting him to the test.

[Brett]

This is your yes and tap dance.

[John Holmberg]

Yes. I'll host away. This is the first time you've hosted, too. Then I've Never hosted the Guadalupe, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Chancellor. And it's the Guadalupe Squares. And let's find out who's here. Up in the upper left square is our president and his puppet master, Joe Biden.

[Brett]

Thank you very much, gentlemen. Hang on.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, that's.

[Brett]

I'm getting no Paul saying I'm sorry.

[John Holmberg]

I didn't introduce you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Joe, that wasn't bad. That's fantastic. In the upper center square. Fat Elvis. Hey, man. Hey, fellas, how you doing? Hi, Fat Elvis. Really good. Hey, Brett.

[Brett]

Is she my new shoe?

[John Holmberg]

Did you save Bye shirt your pie hole there.

[Brett]

Speaking of pie, why don't you give me a pie?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it's your anniversary of when you passed. Or is it your birthday? I don't remember.

[Brett]

It's my birthday, baby.

[John Holmberg]

Is it okay? Maybe I don't know when you died.

[Brett]

I don't care. I think your birthday's in April. Hey, I got some for you.

[John Holmberg]

You died in August. You were born in your. Thank you, fat Elvis. Upper right square is for no reason at all. Hulk Hogan.

[Brett]

We got a big election, brothers.

[John Holmberg]

You know who I'm voting for? Eat your vitamins and vote for America. Making it great again. There it is. All right. In the center left square, it is Donald Trump. Oops, sorry. Hello. Hello. What? What are they turning? At least try.

[Brett]

I'm doing impressions too. I do fabulous impressions. Thanks for having me.

[John Holmberg]

All right. In the center square. It's transparent. Brady.

[Brett]

What color do you see in front of you?

[John Holmberg]

Look at me. I'm clear. You were talking about wasabi earlier this week. Wasabi. Clear. No, what are you, Japanese? It's feeding words. It's you, for Christ's sake.

[Brett]

It's good to be here in the squares.

[John Holmberg]

You couldn't even figure out how he sounds.

[Brett]

I like Japanese brain.

[John Holmberg]

That's awesome. In the right. Right center square. In the right center square. The thing that confused me to no end yesterday. Lil Sebastian Maniscalco, this guy over here.

[Brett]

I mean, driving me nuts. I wish my nuts would drop, you know, so I can walk around struck.

[John Holmberg]

Telling me you're telling me you wouldn't have felt like you were in mushrooms with us sitting next to you yesterday. What are you doing in the bottom? Bottom left square. It's the secret square. I guess. That's me.

[Brett]

John's secret square.

[John Holmberg]

What gets in your butt? Happy birthday to me. Former NFL star, Hall of Famer. I did it all for my mama. Played for the Cowboys and the Atlanta Falcons. That's my name. Say it out Loud. Oh, wait, you're sitting square. Is the next square.

[Brett]

It doesn't matter. I can do them all. All right, just put.

[John Holmberg]

Well, who else? Oh, wow. Kamal Harris is here. Oh, yeah, that's right. She's in town. Kamala Harris in the bottom center. How are you going to answer questions? Kamala? She doesn't answer questions. That's the character. I see what you're doing. And in the bottom right square, our Lord and savior Trip. No, no. Hey.

[Brett]

Sailing, take me away.

[John Holmberg]

All right, all right.

[Brett]

Can we get one quick text?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I got a guy that says, vince, how in the world is your impression of Brady better than Brady's impression of himself?

[Brett]

Dexter says homebrew.

[John Holmberg]

This is B.S.

[Brett]

Yeah, Brady doing the scores. This is like when the band has the crowd sing the song for them. This is not what we listen.

[John Holmberg]

Look, I have to put you through what I went through yesterday in the golf cart. It got weird, and then he started doing it this morning. So let's get it out of his system. Let's let him. Let's let him ring this towel out so it stops.

[Brett]

Please tell me Brady is not pulling up the corner of his eyes while he's talking about wasabi.

[John Holmberg]

What? I would have liked. He did actually. You saw it through the help it. I wish we'd have put in Kari Lake. Anthony is there. Anthony, are you with us? I'm here. Dolores, are you with us? I am. All right. Dolores, you're a woman. I believe we met you the other night. Dolores, pick a square. Go. I think I actually started the whole butt thing. Sorry, I don't even know what that means, but thank you. Excuse me. Oh, touching your butt. Oh, touching my ass. You were the one that wouldn't stop touching my ass. The. The. Yeah. How nice it was in the jeans. It's a good looking ass, isn't Is. I have to admit. Okay, I'm going to go with Transparent Brady. Center square. Transparent Brady. Hi, Transparent Brady.

[Brett]

Sup, Dolores?

[John Holmberg]

Just kidding. Thank you. Did you ever figure out that wasabi dilemma we had earlier this week? I did. You know what?

[Brett]

And it's mostly white. It's a more of a white color color than transparent.

[John Holmberg]

Okay, well, yeah, because transparent isn't color. We determined that earlier. Transparent Brady. 65 million years ago. The day actually lasted just less than 23 hours. True or false?

[Brett]

That's absolutely true.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Brett]

Because I was alive to see it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's right. A very old man, Dolores. He says that's true. Do you agree or disagree? Is he looking at the tiles he looked at the tiles, Dolores. I'm gonna agree. Anyways, that is right now, X gets the square. It is true. The moon has been slowing the rotation of the planet. Evidently. Until we just grind to a halt and everybody flies off. All right, Anthony, pick a square. Let's go, Hulk Hogan. Hulk Hogan in the upper right. Thank you, brother. Hi, Hulk. Say Hulk.

[Brett]

It's a little Hulk.

[John Holmberg]

Say. Say, Hulk. Why are you here?

[Brett]

Well, because I'm promoting President Trump running.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. That's right.

[Brett]

We gotta save this country, brother.

[John Holmberg]

I agree completely. Keep your shirt on, Hulk Hogan. The first modern Olympic Games in 1896 did not award gold, gold medals to event winners. True or false?

[Brett]

Well, that's a great question, brother.

[John Holmberg]

Right, thanks. And I want to tell you, you're the king of improv. Hulk.

[Brett]

The awards that they gave out. The Olymp Olympics. It was food.

[John Holmberg]

It's not a medal. All right. You're saying you got food for life. Anthony says it's false. It was food. I say it was correct. Technically, he's right. It was not. They did not give out gold medals, so I'm gonna give it to you. He gave out silver instead, not food. But Brady would have eaten it anyway, so it doesn't really matter. Matter. A circle gets a square. Dolores, go ahead. I'm going to go with Trip Reed. Trip. Rabe down. How you doing, boss?

[Brett]

Real good.

[John Holmberg]

Hello.

[Brett]

We're doing every square today.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, we're going nine on nine. Yeah. I'm excited.

[Brett]

Keep it up, you get a pink slip.

[John Holmberg]

All right. We. Are you handing out pink slips?

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, maybe. Have you met Tripp? No. All right, Trip. Al Capone's brother James was an agent for the. For the government during Prohibition. You know what?

[Brett]

He was. He. I knew this.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Because today is gonna be lovable. Today's gonna be a great day. The day that he. I was trying to do the 1970s. I was a DJ.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

What's happening? Okay. Oh, you're trying to remember the going to be nice day today. Yeah. Going to be nice. That was what you always said. Al Capone's brother James was an agent for the government. Tripp says that's true. Dolores, do you agree? I'm going to agree. That's exactly right. He did evidently work for the government during prohibition. Did not. James Capone probably didn't last long. James Vincenzo Anthony, you can take the Joe Biden and his friend Osama bin Laden. I don't know who you were doing with him for the block. Yeah. Take Biden all right, It's Biden for the block. Hi, President Joe. How are you, huh? Yeah.

[Brett]

Not your birthday.

[John Holmberg]

It is not your birthday. Every day is just a gift. No, no, no, no, no, no. There he goes. All right, President Biden, until the 1972 Olympic Games in Munich, all gold medals were solid gold.

[Brett]

That is not true.

[John Holmberg]

Kind of just asked the same question, Joe.

[Brett]

They were made from blah bl.

[John Holmberg]

Yes, blah blah bl.

[Brett]

They're made from that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Jill.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, Obama. You want to help out a little bit over there?

[Brett]

Well, clearly that's not bad.

[John Holmberg]

That's not bad. Wow.

[Brett]

My friend has no pulse right now.

[John Holmberg]

It started great. Or do you have an answer?

[Brett]

That is true.

[John Holmberg]

You say that is true that until the 1972 Olympic Games, all gold medals were solid, pure gold until 72. Do you agree or disagree? Disagree. I'm going to disagree. Going to disagree. What did you say? That is right. He got it. Yeah. He got circle gets the block. And now we got big trouble. What are you damning about? We're doing all nine squares. Don't you start with me. You start puking this nonsense out, we're going to drain your ass. Fat on Boy Scout. Fat Elvis for the block. Dolores. Yes, please. All right. Fat Elvis. Hi. Fat Elvis died on this. Well, yesterday. In 1977, I believe so. Happy anniversary. I guess actually work. He died on the 16th. Close enough. Maybe his birthday was the 8th. What was August 8th? January 18th? January. Well, that was pretty. A couple months off. Look, he just wanted it. We don't keep track of that up here. He saw that we had craft services and he came down a week early. Fat Alvis makeup artists modeled Yoda after Austrian neurologist Sigmund Freud. Hey, man, what is a Yoda? A Yoda is. Okay, you weren't super familiar with that because you were so high that last year there was a movie called Star wars and a little green fella called Yoda was in. But he wasn't in that one. He was in the next one, which you wouldn't have seen. How's he taste, man, that's probably chicken. Yeah. Green chicken, which you're familiar with. He used to serve it at Pork.

[Brett]

I love green chicken. It's got the wasabi on it. And you know what I do with the wasabi controversy?

[John Holmberg]

You spread that delicious, clear wasabi.

[Brett]

I'm going to say that's true, baby.

[John Holmberg]

You say it's true.

[Brett]

Hey, Dolores. We come back to Graceland live with the King.

[John Holmberg]

Okay? Yes. Makeup artist, model, Yoda after Sigmund Freud. He says that's true. Agree or disagree, Dolores? I am going to agree with Brady. That is incorrect. That is in the square. We cannot give you the square because you. You have to earn it. So you can pick fat Elvis or we can move someone into that square for the block. Anthony, let's choose fat Elvis. Are you gonna be fat Elvis all over it? That's a good choice, baby. Down for fat material. Don't touch him. Don't touch him. I have a question for him. See, that's the issue here. I'll go down here. All Olympic medals were the same design until Montreal changed that in 1976. With a unique. Unique design. True or false?

[Brett]

Well, it's part of that design, baby. I made it. A peanut butter nanner sandwich.

[John Holmberg]

Right? The Montreal.

[Brett]

Delicious. Like an uncrustable.

[John Holmberg]

They asked you in 76 to help out with the design of the metal.

[Brett]

It's fabulous, baby. I'm gonna say that's. That's absolutely true.

[John Holmberg]

Okay. Says it's true that all the Olympic medals were the same until 1976 and then Montreal changed it. Agree or disagree? We'll go ahead and agree. That is a fact. Well done. We've got another. Now that's a. Wait. Did he just win? I'm afraid that Little Sebastian didn't fly out here for nothing. So, Dolores, would you like to take Little Sebastian for the secondary block? I would. That's much like Brady's arteries. There's a lot of blockage going on here on the square. Little Sebastian, welcome to the show.

[Brett]

Hello, John.

[John Holmberg]

What? What happened? Who the hell is that? Where'd he go? The same dude riding with. Same dude riding with me yesterday.

[Brett]

These are the people I'm talking about.

[John Holmberg]

Okay. Same guy that I was golfing with yesterday, that's who.

[Brett]

Little Sebastian sounds like drunk.

[John Holmberg]

Brady from like 15 years ago. Little Sebastian Maniscalco. I thought about it. I had a Robert Kennedy. That thing. No, no. You would have. Ted Kennedy. Maybe Robert Kennedy would have been. All right. Kennedy was the bear. Yeah, I almost Robert Kennedy and dropped him off on the side of the park. Little Sebastian, you got a big show coming up here on the 15th. Thanks for joining us. Your question is Ted Williams career batting average of.340.

[Brett]

By the way, it's sold out.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah. Okay, thanks. Thank you, guy. Anyway, Ted Williams career batting average of.344 is actually just the 12th.12th best in major league history. Is that true or false? 344.

[Brett]

344 is pretty good. You know, by the Way. Dolores, you rhyme with one of my favorite names. Don't say that.

[John Holmberg]

Do it. That wouldn't be.

[Brett]

That wouldn't be.

[John Holmberg]

I'm gonna say.

[Brett]

Listen, listen.

[John Holmberg]

What's your favorite name? I kind of think your name rhymes with something special. I'm a little Sebastian. I'm not supposed to.

[Brett]

That answer is true.

[John Holmberg]

You think that's. You say that's true, Little Sebastian. That. It is. It is only the 12th best batting average in major league history. Dolores, do you agree or disagree with that? I'm gonna agree. Incorrect. It is. It is. It is the sixth best batting average, which is still lower than the final square. Just for fun, stop yelling at us. Ladies, Richard Sherman. It's not Richard Sherman. It wasn't Richard Sherman. He never played for the Falcons. Stop it. Stop talking, lady. And final square for you, Anthony. Former president, 45, hopes to be 47. Donald Trump. Mr. Trump, welcome.

[Brett]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

It's great to be here. Good to hear you, Donald Trump. I mean, now there's Sebastian Trump. Sebastian, it's a blast. What is going on? All right, final one. In the early 1500s, there was a dancing plague that struck Europe, causing uncontrolled dancing in public. It was a plague of dancing, Mr. Trump.

[Brett]

It was a terrible plague from China.

[John Holmberg]

That's not. All right.

[Brett]

Caused people to dance. I'm gonna say that's true.

[John Holmberg]

Safety dance. Chinese dance. Are you saying everyone was Wang Chun ffa. His footloose. All right. He's saying that's true. That there was a dance plague that struck us in the 1500s. Anthony, agree or disagree? Disagree. He disagrees. That is incorrect. Actually. It was a terrible dancing plague that took over the nation. Well, that should just about do it. I don't know what kind of. But as organized as the strategy for tic tac toe was, was the Brady square. Yeah. Proudly did it.

[Brett]

Sixteen squares all dovetailed together.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. All beautiful. Four to three o's. Nice job. We got something for you both. Very well done. Now, there you go. Brady. Is it out of your system now?

[Brett]

Man, that was easy.

[John Holmberg]

Here we go. I know it's out. He's not wrong.

[Brett]

It's out. Bob.

[John Holmberg]

It's all right. But I just want to make sure that you don't do this to yourself anymore with strangers. With me, it's fine to pretend to be little Sebastian. Somebody should have put you in a home yesterday. Yesterday. Although I do like him. We kind of like little Sebastian. Yeah.

[Brett]

Does Kirby know who Sebastian is?

[John Holmberg]

All right. Greg says all right. If in fairness, next week, Brett's Doing all the Italians. Brett doesn't. Doesn't. You don't breaking it. Yeah, he doesn't break him in. He's not flexing. Brady started flexing on it.

[Brett]

Try it, Brett.

[John Holmberg]

It's easy. Yeah, I'm sure. I like it. I actually enjoyed the. That's what the Internet sounds like to me. That's what all these impressions on the Internet sound like to me. Like, why do I try. There you go. I enjoyed that. I like that. Pretty well done. Nice job. Way to step up. Those are your. I'm not even gonna call squares. That's a trademark infringement.

[Brett]

People said bradalupe squares.

[John Holmberg]

The Bradalupe squares. I like that. The Bradalupe squares heard on a podcast somewhere else. Yes, I like that. Everybody knows this was the Feldman squares. Somebody text that.

[Brett]

How many times did he hit the microphone?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. How many mistakes were there? It is. Well, that was a little Feldman yesterday when I'm. And look, had he told me I'm gonna break out a little Sebastian sometime during the day, I wouldn't have been surprised. But just in the middle of a hole. What's going on with these people? What are you doing? Are you all right? I'm doing my little Sebastian impression. Why? Actually, it's just a little Sebastian for you. That's Lil Sebastian sound like. It's like. That's how little tiny baby. Little Sebastian.

[Brett]

That's how little Sebastian.

[John Holmberg]

Little Sebastian Maniscalco. I come from Chicago. It was pretty fun. All right, that's enough. We've got to go. Hey, it's not weird.

[Brett]

It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fees.

[John Holmberg]

I have heard enough of this. You PD.