09-24-25 - FULL SHOW - WEDNESDAY - Holmbergs Morning Sickness 98 KUPD

Summary

Holmberg’s Morning Sickness – 09-24-25 FULL SHOW – WEDNESDAY – 98KUPD

Episode Overview

This episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness centers around pop culture beefs (including the latest Jimmy Kimmel controversy), local sports—especially the Arizona Diamondbacks' improbable playoff push—and a spirited, often unfiltered roundtable about everything from Jewish dietary laws to Arizona’s new restrictions on adult websites. The show’s hosts—John Holmberg, Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, and Dick Toledo—bring their signature irreverence, roasting public figures, riffing on local news, and sharing personal anecdotes in an energetic, unapologetic style.

---

Major Discussion Segments

1. Jimmy Kimmel’s Controversy on ABC

[03:00–10:30]

• Holmberg rails on Jimmy Kimmel’s tearful monologue regarding his recent controversy and ABC’s handling.
• John contrasts Kimmel’s show with classic Late Night icons (Letterman, etc.), arguing Kimmel has no culturally memorable moments.
• Critiques Kimmel’s insincerity and lack of comedic backbone:

  “Man, oh man, the crying and how now suddenly he's like, oh my God, I can't believe I hurt someone's feelings. Like, no, you're a comedian. Sometimes you do step on toes. Own it.” — John Holmberg [06:28]

• The cast jokes about the only memorable parts of Kimmel involving him crying over political losses.
• Discussion shifts into how media scandals grant undeserved relevance to aging talk show hosts and how the political left/right both exploit these moments.
• Memorable Quote:

  “As a nation, let's get back to ignoring Jimmy Kimmel.” — John Holmberg [09:35]

2. Kamala Harris and Political Gaffes

[12:00–13:00]

• Brief aside about Kamala Harris’s book tour fumble, her comments on running mates, and further political grilling.
• Hosts lampoon Harris’s attempt to clarify statements about not picking Pete Buttigieg as VP.

• “She's burning every bridge.” — Brett Vesely [12:45]

3. Arizona Diamondbacks and Tori Lavello’s Management

[13:00–18:30]

• Extended praise for D-backs’ manager Tori Lavello for keeping the team in playoff contention despite mid-season trades and a depleted roster.
• John likens Lavello to a miracle-working mom making a meal out of nothing:

  "Tory Lavello might be the greatest manager of no talent ever. You give him some talent. He's not very good. You give him nothing—this dude can make magic.” — John Holmberg [13:20]

• Discussion on sports “miracle” seasons, comparisons to 2003 Marlins, and fandom moments (Randy Johnson, Shohei Ohtani).

• “If you’ve always stunk at baseball, come to Arizona. Tory will make it so you can actually win.” — John Holmberg [15:44]

4. Life Goals and Kitchens: Post-Birthday Party Reflections

[19:00–24:00]

• John recounts attending a friend’s birthday in a house with “four kitchens,” musing on wealth and Jewish kosher kitchen rules.
• Spirited riffing on two-kitchen households:

  “Say it’s in the kitchen. And someone says ‘which kitchen?’ You have made it.” — John Holmberg [21:56]

• Dive into Jewish observance and kosher rules—double kitchens, separation of meat and dairy, manual appliances for Sabbath observance, and even interpretations on “Sabbath goys.”
• Plenty of playful stereotyping within a comic context.

5. Religious Observance, Food Rules & Saturday Softball

[24:30–37:50]

• The crew expands on Jewish Sabbath traditions, poking fun at restrictive dietary laws and how Orthodox Jews keep Sabbath—including a story about Orthodox softball games in full religious garb.
• Extended riffing on the differences between various religions’ ease vs. strictness of the rules, especially comparing Protestant confessional “Etch-a-Sketch” resets with Jewish dietary fastidiousness.

• “Give me a God that wants me in nice, comfortable clothes. None of these robes and heavy items.” — John Holmberg [31:30]

6. Arizona’s New Pornhub Restrictions

[49:30–65:00]

• Big segment on Arizona’s new law requiring age-verification (via official ID) to access adult sites like Pornhub.
• John frames it as a government overreach, an unnecessary obstacle for responsible adults, and a classic case of legislative micromanagement for “think of the children” politics.
• Extended banter about digital workarounds, parental responsibility, and a live Katie Hobbs impression roasting Brett for not needing porn anyway.

• “Pornhub provides a service that is absolutely legal. And if your kids are getting on there without you knowing it, that's not the government's job. That's the parents job.” — John Holmberg [51:54]

• “You want to talk about First Amendment violations, the government getting involved in what I click on — that’s what this is about.” — John Holmberg [51:53]

7. Jonas Brothers Concert Bumped for Mercury WNBA Playoffs

[77:14–87:50]

• The hosts mock the decision to move a sold-out Jonas Brothers concert to accommodate a Mercury WNBA playoff game at the Phoenix Arena.
• Sympathetic to the vendors losing money, John lampoons the WNBA’s lower attendance and “fragile egos.”

• “I actually kind of hope the Mercury win the championship. So the parade is embarrassing again.” — John Holmberg [83:36]

• Imagines adding the Jonas Brothers as players to the Mercury and jokes they’d easily outscore the pros.

8. Rock Wars, Offbeat Math, and Listener Interactions

[119:07–157:28]

• Weekly “Rock Wars” music selection contest, with topical themes around the Mercury and John’s “forced” tattoo bet [152:26+].
• Hilarious confusion over a math segment involving “how many weekends left in your life,” with Brady hopelessly tangled in numbers while John and Brett tease mercilessly.
• Calls back an old “Mercury tattoo bet,” with John resigned to the possibility no one can even name three Mercury players.
• Memorable Moment: “I'm not going to live through this show if you keep this up.” — John Holmberg [103:44]

9. Random Observations & Closing Bits

[142:01–168:48]

• John recounts an interaction with a slow pedestrian who recognized him while crossing the street.
• Chat about robot umps in baseball, the role of technology, and the sport’s generational struggles.
• Brief news/entertainment roundtable: A tease of a Baywatch reboot, “just for the rescues!” and reactions to local celebrity news.
• Classic show close:

  “Wednesday’s in the books. You guys have yourselves a spectacular day and we’ll see you tomorrow right here in the morning sickness.” — John Holmberg [168:44]

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Exchanges

• On the Kimmel/ABC Debacle:
  “This show’s not important. And he tried to make it seem like, this isn't any. But why is this show being paid attention to? … He thought his show was so important … which he should have just left alone.” — John Holmberg [04:50]

• On religious food laws:
  “You can't go to heaven because that time you drank milk and had meat? I wore wool on Saturdays in Phoenix, you bastard. And you tell me I can't get in because of meat milk thing?” — John Holmberg [23:35]

• On Diamondbacks’ miracle run:
  “He's kind of a God around here with nobody knowing that. We're too busy paying attention to Jimmy Kimmel than to look down the street and go, that manager we got there is pretty damn impressive.” — John Holmberg [15:09]

• On Arizona’s new porn restrictions:
  “Why do your guidelines that you’ve lost control of your kids have to stop me from doing stuff? I should have safe and free pornography on my phone.” — John Holmberg [63:20]

• On the WNBA/arena scheduling:
  “Women want equality—then be better … they realize Jonas Brothers is a bigger draw. … Mercury would be an opening act.” — John Holmberg [86:04]

• On listener memory of his Mercury tattoo bet:
  “I do like to be the person that, you know, if I said I’d go do this silly thing, I’ll do it.” — John Holmberg [138:23]

---

Important Timestamps

• [03:00–10:30] — Jimmy Kimmel/ABC controversy
• [13:00–18:30] — Diamondbacks’ playoff magical run
• [21:30–24:30] — Two-kitchen households & kosher laws riff
• [49:30–65:00] — Arizona Pornhub restrictions & Katie Hobbs skit
• [77:14–87:50] — Jonas Brothers concert moved for WNBA playoff; hilarious takedown of WNBA business model
• [119:07–157:28] — Rock Wars, Mercury tattoo bet, math confusion segment

---

Show Tone, Style & Flow

Holmberg & crew perform unfiltered social commentary: sarcasm and mockery are frequent, self-deprecating and over-the-top humor is common, and the banter moves quickly—often looping back to prior gags (Mercury tattoo, Kimmel crying) with repeat call-backs. Local flavor is strong, with solid knowledge of Arizona sports and culture. The roundtable setup encourages everyone to riff, jump in, and escalate the original bit into fresh, absurd territory.

---

For Listeners Who Missed It

This episode is quintessential Morning Sickness: irreverent, whip-smart, local, and unafraid to push boundaries or poke fun at sacred cows. If you want a recap of Arizona’s pop culture news, locker-room-level jokes about government overreach, or simply want to hear the best awkward math segment you’ll find on local radio, this episode’s a must.

---

Bottom line:

• Jimmy Kimmel’s weak apology and ABC “caving” dominated the pop culture chat.
• Arizona Diamondbacks defying expectations brought genuine local sports pride.
• Arizona’s new porn ID laws were roasted as government overreach.
• WNBA playoff scheduling was mocked, especially as it bumped a Jonas Brothers show.
• Rapid-fire tangents covered everything from double kitchens to AI-written music.
• The episode’s defining flavor: roast anyone, including themselves, without restraint.

Transcript

[Brett]

You're listening to the HMS podcast brought to you by MMP Guns.com, your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories.

[Brady]

It's Brady from the HMS crew for Game Day Men's Health, the Valley's largest men's health clinic with 12 locations. You should do what I did and schedule a complimentary appointment which is quick and easy. You'll meet with a board certified medical director and figure out what treatments that can help you, whether you need more energy, medical, weight loss or sexual health treatments. Game Day Men's Health Clinic is a true game changer. Go to game day gameday phoenix.com and schedule your complimentary appointment today. Get back in the game with Game day men's health.

[John Holmberg]

FanDuel is getting you ready for kickoff with an offer you won't want to miss. New customers can bet just $5 and get 300 in bonus bets. If you win, bet 5 bucks and if it wins, you'll unlock 300 bucks in bonus bets to use all across the app. It's John Holmberg here from the morning sickness and I'm loving FanDuel and football being back building parlays like crazy. And you can build parlays building vet, player props, ride the live lines. Whatever your style. FanDuel has got you covered and all you have to do is visit fanduel.comkupd to download the FanDuel app today and get started. I'll be all over my Steelers this week. It's going to be a blast for me. FanDuel.com KUPD is the promo code. Put it in there and download the FanDuel app today. 21+ in present Arizona first online real money wager only $5 first deposit required. Bonus issued as non withdrawable bonus bets which expire seven days after receipt. Restrictions apply. See [e-mail]. gambling problem. Call 1-800-Next Step or text NextStep to 53342.

[Brett]

We're here with Byron from MMP Guns. Byron why should someone choose to go to MMP Guns?

[Byron]

The choice is simple Brett. MMP Guns is your one stop shop for all your shooting needs. We offer Arizona's largest selection handguns, rifles, shotguns, new and pre owned. We also have a large selection of ammunition, accessories and even training. In fact right now all pre owned firearms are 20% off. All new firearms are 10% off. We have Ammo Inc. 9 millimeter hollow points for only $12.99 a box and much more.

[Brett]

Well, it sounds like M and P Guns is committed to providing the customers with the best possible service.

[Byron]

A fact. You can visit us at the store at northeast corner of 12th street in Indian school or online at m and p guns.com need wood?

[John Holmberg]

Oliver with 84 Lumber has more planks than a pirate ship and will price match any competitor. Call Oliver at 480-236-5578 or Oliver Starr s t a r r lumber.com It's John Holmer here for the amazing people at the core Institute. Getting used to chronic pain is something that we can all find ourselves doing and not realize we're doing it. And I needed four procedures. I had a lot going on. Two shoulder repl and yes, at my age, even two hip replacements. But you know what? I'm better today than I've been in 20 years. And now I'm back. Basketball pain free. Running, pain free. Throwing a baseball or football, pain free. And I can box again. It's exciting because I look forward to the things I love. You don't have to live with pain anymore. Go to the core institute.com Holmberg's Morning Sickness. The old method of treatment for a person in this condition was to throw him in jail. Good morning, everybody. Hello there. Welcome to Wednesday. It's 5:45. This is the morning sickness. My name's John. There's Brady. There's Brett. There's big dick Toledo. Let's get it rolling, shall we? And just get it out of the way and finally get back to what life was like before all this nonsense when nobody cared about what Jimmy Kimmel had to say at all. I mean, it used to be that no one quoted or went after or played clips from or even mentioned Jimmy Kimmel show. Here's the thing about Jimmy Kimmel show that struck me yesterday. It's been on for 23, 24 years. Which. Name one. Name a moment. Name one on an episode. Name a moment. Give me a. Give me a cultural wow, that was on the Kimmel show moment. Give me one that everyone can go, oh, yeah, that.

[Brett]

Now let me get nest canned.

[John Holmberg]

Give me a letter. Other than this. Yeah, yeah, Letterman.

[Brett]

Oh, there's a bunch.

[John Holmberg]

But you got Larry Bud Melman. You got the velcro suit. You got the seltzer suit. Stupid pet tricks. You got the top 10 list. Name one thing Kimmel does. Yeah. Name one segment on his show that's like, oh, that's the best. He has made nothing. He's done zero and had no hold on us as a. But somehow or another this has become like, I wonder what Jimmy Kimmel's going to like, my God, no one has cared. But last night, he went on, he did his monologue and. And the whole thing. And to me, I've been on Team Jimmy on this one, and I don't find it funny. I don't watch the show. I don't get it. But that's fine. It is what it is. There's a lot of stuff I don't like. You probably wouldn't like me, don't care. But ABC, to me, was completely wrong. Kowtowen backed down completely to an FCC threat, which was absolutely incorrect in the way things were handled. Now, I didn't think that they were trying to tear up the, you know, the entire constitution and everything like that, but they were definitely doing something they shouldn't have been doing and needed to be called out. Jimmy went on last night, started crying. That was. It was just. It was just. It was just sad. And then. I hate when people say they did this twice yesterday, I saw this, the frustration of it when they said, Jimmy said, I didn't mean to make fun of Charlie Kirk's thing. Yeah, you did. And own it. Just go out and go, look, I made a. I made a joke that people didn't like. And he kind of said that. Said, I could see where that is. But I didn't mean to. Yeah, you did. You meant every second of it. Boom, you knocked it out. What you meant was not at Charlie Kirk's family. What you meant was to try to make it a political win for your team. You're so lost in politics that you can't have a moment of humanity to just say, this one's off limits. Yeah, you can't do it. You had to. You had. You thought you. And he said last night something else that just punched me in the guts as insincere. This show's not important. And he tried to make it seem like, this isn't any. But why is this show being paid attention to? And to a certain degree, he's 100% right, but he didn't think that until he started getting knocked all over the place by this controversy. He. He thought his show was so important, his audience was going to listen to him say whatever he wanted to say about the Charlie Kirk incident, which he should have just left alone. That's it. Bottom line. But man, oh, man, the crying and how now suddenly he's like, oh, my God, I can't believe I hurt someone's feelings. Like, no, you're a comedian. Sometimes you do step on toes. Own it. I Wish last night he would have come out and said, this is my last show on abc. ABC didn't back me. We had a nice talk afterwards. They absolutely did not back me. They caved, and there's no reason for me to go on with them as a partner. Tonight's last show, we'll have a nice deal. We got guests that showed up. We'll do it like it's normal, but that'll be it. Or at least have an end date. But no, if you saw it, and you will see it, it was basically him crying.

[Brady]

ABC wouldn't let that happen either.

[John Holmberg]

Why?

[Brady]

They wouldn't let him say it. They said, we just disagree.

[John Holmberg]

Why?

[Brady]

We're going to part ways.

[John Holmberg]

No, because that's what I'm saying. You go and you say. You just, you, you do what I always say. You neck everybody in the meetings going in. And then last night, you just basically say, they think I'm gonna do this monologue. They're wrong. And then. So they don't air it. Big deal. You put ABC in alert, you don't back them. That's the problem. I, I just didn't like how he was crying. Like, you know, he was on his hands and knees begging the people that didn't back him to bring him back. So to me, it looked weak and again, wasn't funny. That's the biggest problem with that show. Even the monologue he did wasn't funny. And there, it's over and we're back to normal again. We're back to an entire nation that Democrat and Republican did not care at all that Jimmy Kimmel has a show until he almost blew up everything or until, you know, became a. Donald Trump did this. It's his fault. Trump paying attention. And he said, and then he went on last night talking about, I can't believe abc. ABC told me that they were going to fire him. And I don't know what happened between then and now, but I'm going to sue him. It's like, so you keep Jimmy Kimmel relevant by doing. Just ignore it.

[Brady]

Keep it up. The last time I got 16 million, right? Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

He started and then he did it again. And you're like, this is exactly why he's. This is the dumbest thing ever.

[Brady]

But then they turn around and there's news today that YouTube is going to review reinstatement of people that got banned from COVID was. Which was the Biden thing.

[John Holmberg]

It's not, it's like, Trump's not alone on this. Everybody wants to play with the. Your side. Did this. My side did that. Shut up. This is the only thing that's happening right now. That's what you focus on. And it was dumb. And Trump won't let it go. And the whole nobody's going to care about. Starting tonight, Jimmy Kimmel show will have terrible, like, ratings and writing. It's going to be both. It's like it won't be memorable. There won't be a moment tonight that was the most memorable thing that's happened to a show the entire time. It's just. There's been no moment that you can say, wow, this is, like, worth saving, or whatever. It was just. And then it went on, you know, as normal.

[Brady]

I'm sure Glenn Powell was okay.

[John Holmberg]

Glen Powell was fine. I watched it.

[Brady]

Sarah McLaughlin.

[John Holmberg]

It was good. Sarah McLaughlin bored the tears out of me. And I. And I turned it off. It was. It was, you know, I don't want to watch Sarah McLaughlin as a guest. That's my, you know, not all guests or something. I'm going to sit through. Letterman had musical guests. Jimmy Kimmel's had slipknot on that show before. So he's reached and done that kind of stuff. Letterman used. I used to love that. That Letterman would occasionally when he had Audio Slave up on the marquee again. Another Letterman moment you don't forget is that Audio Slave stood on top of the Ed Sullivan Theater marquee out on Broadway and played live on top of the Late show marquee for the street, which was really cool.

[Brett]

John, the best part of Jimmy's show is when it was over.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And that's always how it's been. It was just. And it's. Let's get back to doing what we do best, ignoring Jimmy Kimmel as a whole nation. It's such a small group of people that watch and, you know, don't. And Trump, don't sue him, please. That's stupid. It's just. I says in the Academy for best speech, crying like a bitch award goes to Jimmy Kimmel. I agree. The crying part was where I'm like, man, that's. That just looks.

[Brady]

But didn't you think it was gonna happen?

[John Holmberg]

No. Well, he's a cry. He cries a lot.

[Brady]

For sure. Was gonna, like, he cries like, sure enough. You hear. I hear about it the next day.

[John Holmberg]

He said, the only memorable moment for me was when Kimmel was crying after Kamala lost to Trump and asked what was going to happen to our nation. Yeah. His memorable moments are him sobbing.

[Brett]

It was Jimmy. After the show.

[John Holmberg]

We got a clip of Jimmy following the show. I don't know what to do.

[Brady]

I don't know what to do.

[John Holmberg]

You can act like a man. What's the matter with you? Is this how you turned out a Hollywood Pinocchio that cries like a woman? Hollywood fanoke. I don't even know what that means. I know it's funny. I know that's funny. I've laughed harder at a Godfather clip than I ever have at a Kimmel thing. Great stuff. But, you know, he is. He is what he is. Yeah. The crying thing was like, oh, you. You needed to go out there in this gigantic, you know, FCC versus ABC versus the citizens of America battle and show a backbone. And he cried and said, I didn't mean it. You did. You told the joke. You tried a thing. It didn't work out. You can't backtrack. Just go out and say, that was stupid. Wasn't it? Probably not gonna work with ABC much longer. I liked how Bill Maher handled that stuff 24 years ago when he basically told ABC to go themselves when they were like, well, you're out. And he's like, fine. And he even said it last Friday. He said, jimmy, if it's anything like what happened to me with ABC, you're going to have 25 more years on another thing and a much better network. Yeah, they caved. It was bad. But this one says jimmy who? Jimmy Carter. Who is this guy? Exactly. Would have been more. Is Carter still. He's gone, right? Yeah. We did lose him finally. Yeah, that's right.

[Brady]

Okay.

[Brett]

They've done about the same, though.

[John Holmberg]

116. Yeah. He was funnier, I thought, especially in the last. A few pictures I saw when he was in the zombie makeup. That was hilarious. Anyway, and then Kamala had the. Actually never seen anything like this in my life either. Rachel Maddow asked Kamala on her book tour, which is not going well. Asked her about. You said you wouldn't pick Pete Buttigieg because he's gay, and that's tough for me to hear.

[Katie Hobbs]

And Kamala goes, I didn't say that. I did not say that.

[John Holmberg]

I said that as a black woman, having a gay running mate would be hard.

[Brady]

It were.

[John Holmberg]

It would have been risky. Isn't that saying that I'm not. I didn't pick him because he was gay.

[Brady]

Isn't that exactly what I'll never win?

[John Holmberg]

Well, I wouldn't win. Yeah. I can't pick him. He's gay. I didn't say that. I just didn't pick him because he's Gay. Well, that's what. Huh? And she's going on burning every bridge.

[Brett]

She is ridiculous.

[John Holmberg]

She's ruining everything. I mean, it's, it's. Let's get back to normal where we were talking about squid. You know what? Only saves. This is sports. And thank God baseball's coming around to being in the playoffs and stuff. And your Diamondbacks are close or game. Hanging in there one again last night against the Dodgers, who can't seem to play more than six innings without taking a break for a couple hours. And they did it again last night. Diamondbacks came back on Shohei and won. They remain one game back. Tori LaFello, amazing.

[Brett]

Pulls it off.

[John Holmberg]

Pulls it out of his ass at.

[Brett]

The last part of the season every year.

[John Holmberg]

I mean, his general manager sat down with him in June and said, what do you think? He goes, I don't know. If we're not. If we're not running pretty heavy over 500, we can't keep up with the big dogs. We can sell. Everybody got rid of the guy who had 40 home runs at the break. They got rid of pitchers. They got rid of everything. Here they are hanging around the playoffs because Tory Lavello might be the greatest manager of no talent ever. You give him some talent. He's not very good. You give him nothing. This dude can make magic. He's like one of those, you know, you spend the night at some kid's house in junior high and stuff and you and your friend are like, we need to eat something. And there's nothing. But mom showed. My mom was this person. She had like a stick of butter, a tortilla shell, and maybe some eggs. And the next. Somehow or another, there's like a four course meal here. Like she can make anything out of.

[Brady]

It was a female Jesus.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. It was like, where did this come from? Oh, I just whipped this up. It's amazing. That's Tory Lovella with baseball. We don't have anything. Cupboard's bears. Like, watch this. And then some glorious meal shows up like you're in a restaurant. Tori is unbelievable. Won't get the credit. Won't get any of it. I mean, they're only 500. They basically said I was. We'll see you next year in July. This is going nowhere. And Tory's like, hold my beer. Well, I'm going to get this group of nobodies to start playing ball. And they are playing ball. They're pitching better. They're hitting, beating the Dodgers. Like the Dodgers are running into this thing as the, you know, they've got to start winning. They're in trouble. And it also. These are playoff games, what you're saying. The Dodgers are fighting for a position and the Diamondbacks are trying to get in, and the Diamondbacks are winning. Which tells me one thing. This team's going to have confidence going into the playoffs that they can beat a team like the Dodgers. Not sure they can beat Milwaukee, Philly, even the Cubs, but they can knock the Dodgers out and feel pretty good about themselves. This is amazing. So, Tory Lovello, you're kind of a God around here with nobody knowing that. We're not. We're too busy paying attention to Jimmy Kimmel than to look down the street and go, that manager we got there is pretty damn impressive.

[Brett]

You said trade Suarez, Kelly, I mean, Naylor and smell like roses.

[John Holmberg]

All the power got traded away except Corbin and their pitching staff, which was already dinged up. Yeah, we'll trade the, trade the next best guy and get something for him. You got dudes named Blaze Alexander. Last time I saw. That's a stripper's name and he's a boy. And he's doing. He's killing it. It's great. It's great to watch, and it's fun. So.

[Brady]

Good reputation for a coach, too. It's like, listen to the coach. He'll take you.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah. If you.

[Brady]

Whereas the other players are like, you don't need.

[John Holmberg]

If you've always stunk at baseball, come to Arizona. Tory will make it so you can actually win. If you're. If you're a guy who everybody's kind of like, he's not going to make it. You probably won't be like a big household name, but you're going to be on a team that wins. He takes average too bad and makes it palatable, and it turns him into winners. I'm rooting for the Diamondbacks to get into the playoffs because he needs that accolade. He needs something to say, look what Tori Lavello did. He needs that credit in the world of sports because he's doing this under the radar. I mean, everybody kind of says it. This is amazing.

[Brady]

The next step would be great when they show him in the dugout and he's holding a beer.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And just in a T shirt with stains on it. He's Italian. It's, It's. It is absolutely amazing what this guy's pulling off. And if without the playoffs, nobody's going to notice. But he has turned. He made a deal with the devil with this one. This is outstanding. No, I don't think. Has there ever been a team in history of baseball or basketball who sold off everybody at the deadline and competed? Has there ever been a team that said, you know, we're sellers at the. At the. In the. At the midpoint comes to mind. I can't think of one team that's gotten better after they got rid of all their good players in the middle of a year. The only thing that I remember is the Marlins of 2003, when they started with, like 25 wins. They were terrible. 25 and 50. They fired their manager and got Jim Leland in there and then went nuts and won the World Series. It was like, what?

[Brett]

But they didn't sell everybody off. They made their changes, but they didn't sell.

[John Holmberg]

They were awful. And you're right. Yeah, but they had a. They had a high payroll. They had already gone out and gotten some guys. Yeah. They didn't sell players.

[Brady]

They just use them. Blockbuster money.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Back when that was the thing. Just get it. I'll never, ever not have money. I own Blockbuster. Their owner said, you realize who I am. I own Blockbuster. There's piles of money and they just. It keeps piling up, and it'll never stop, and it's always going to flow. It's crazy. Tori lavello, you are a getting it done. I'm going to the game tonight, so I'm kind of sort of in awe of this whole thing. I've seen. I get to see Shohei play, which is. I mean, people don't realize that either. When that dude's in town. You're watching. Watching something pretty remarkable. I watched him hit a home run in the game I was in last. Last time the Dodgers were here, and I was like, all right, check that off. I've seen Randy Johnson. I've seen, oddly enough, Wayne Gretzky play. But that was in a. That was weird because it was kind of. When it was almost all over and just odd.

[Brady]

Uneventful.

[John Holmberg]

Well, it was eventful in that. There's Wayne.

[Brady]

Yeah. You know, his skate tour, his final skate.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. He was there. He played. He was still good. But it was not, you know, you weren't sitting there going, oh, he's the greatest player I've ever watched. So it was kind of weird because you're not watching. He wasn't even the best guy on the ice that night. It wasn't even close to that. But prior to that, I mean, it was the best thing you'd ever seen. So you got time in the same arena with him, but it wasn't at his peak. You're watching Shohei at, you know, his prime doing things that nobody's ever done. And we got. We got. We were lucky enough to see Randy Johnson do things that will, you know, you can't. You can't erase it from your mind. When you've seen Randy Johnson pitch, you can't erase that from your mind.

[Brady]

The first 22 circle Ks up and up.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah. When you start seeing. I remember sitting in the stadium looking at those K's they have the. And it's every strikeout and you're like, my God, that whole wall is full. They ran out of room a couple of times. He was striking people out so much. And then he came back a few years after he left for the Yankees and stuff. Then. Remember when he came back, you're like, all right, you go to a game, there's Randy's pitching. It wasn't the same Randy, but you're still seeing one of the greats. You just want to see him doing their. So we've seen it. We've been lucky enough to see an awful lot of. You know, who I never saw would have loved to was Tom Brady in person. I never ever saw him play a game while I was in the like and it was all on tv. And there is something different about being at the arena and seeing, wow, this is happening and I get to soak it in and watch this guy play from a perspective of being in the stadium. Never saw Tom. Never saw that one. But been lucky enough to see a lot of that stuff, seen a lot of it come through. Don't want to take that for granted. So tonight I'll see that. Speaking of things, I've seen Shane Orlando's birthday last night I went to his house for his birthday party. That's he. He built a resort and now he lives in it. There's three kitchens in the kitchen. It was the weirdest thing I've ever seen. It was amazing. It's the Monte Lucia. He rebuilt this. Gorgeous. It's beautiful. And hey, what do you think of the house? You like it? I'm like, yeah, it's gorgeous. Why do you have so many kitchens? Oh, J.J. catered. She had a catering business. Like, aren't you supposed to still say she is catering to have three kitchens if she's quit catering. There was a kitchen upstairs. There were two kitchens in the kitchen. I'm not kidding when I say that. There was a kitchen and then you turned to your left and then the room next to you was a kitchen. They were Amazing kitchens, too.

[Brady]

It was like a showroom walk in. How would you like your kitchen done?

[John Holmberg]

It reminded me of like if. If the VFW had millions of dollars and you walk into the room where everybody's going to be meeting, like, this is a beautiful space. There's the kitchen, obviously, that's it. And then over here is what? Well, there's the kitchen. Well, there's two of them. They're. It was amazing. The place was unbelievable. And Shane's just such a. Such a good dude. He's such a nice person, but beautiful house. Gorgeous. So thank you to Shane and that place, which is amazing and made me realize that I'm not living a very good life. I've only got one kitchen and next to that kitchen is some useless room that I hardly use. It's silly. We need a second kitchen inside the kitchen. You know, when you go, that's in the kitchen. I want someone in my house to say which one? That's. That's the goal. That's sign of success. Now. I didn't realize that I need it.

[Brady]

I like my. My grandfather's place because he had the upstairs kitchen and the basement. He totally finished out another kitchen. Kitchen.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And then a kitchen.

[Brady]

That's where it have the. Yeah. The kitchen in the main house.

[John Holmberg]

Regular kitchen.

[Brady]

But the basement was like the party room. So it had a kitchen and a bar and that's where we do the family holidays.

[John Holmberg]

It's amazing. Which kitchen. When somebody says that to you.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Say it's in the kitchen. And someone says which kitchen? You have made it. You have success. Two kitchens is.

[Brady]

Or your.

[John Holmberg]

Or that's a loss. Or you got that going on because it's got to have that. That is true too. That is. All right. Well. And most of them are successful. So it all. It all pans together.

[Brett]

The chain convert. Did you convert them over?

[John Holmberg]

It all seemed to still be machinery. Because the second Jewish kitchen has to be is manual. Right.

[Brady]

Shane Orlando, his Hollywood name.

[John Holmberg]

It could be. And he could be his Hollywood name. Yeah. I don't know. It was, but it was. What is that? The. The other kitchen for Orthodox Jews is to make food that doesn't touch the Jew food.

[Brady]

Yeah. It's all kosher.

[John Holmberg]

But the other kitchen is not. And it remains kosher by not touching the dirty, filthy goyum food.

[Brady]

I think so.

[John Holmberg]

I think so, too. I don't know. But double kitchens, that's the key to it all. And is the other kitchen have to be that Sunday thing or when they're not. Or Saturday when they're not allowed to work any electronics or.

[Brady]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, because I've seen that before where you go to an Orthodox Jewish person's place and they've got a whole section of stuff that doesn't work on buttons or electronics. They can't use anything. It all has to be manually operated for them to like it. No, no assistance from mechanics.

[Brady]

I don't. Yeah, that's still.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, it's a thing. Because I. Oh, yeah.

[Brett]

Separating meat and dairy, I guess, is the thing.

[John Holmberg]

Keep those cloven, hooved, gross things off of my milk.

[Brett]

Reducing the error, chances of cross contamination.

[John Holmberg]

That's right, because that's. Man telling you what. Not a religious man, but one that makes me worry about that kind of stuff. If my God's mad, if my meat touches my milk, and I'm still living a life that's pretty. You got your meat and my milk, and you can't go to heaven because that time you. You. You ate. You drank milk and had meat and you decided to taste a little clove and hoof love and your God's like, you were great except for that one moment. You ate that man. I tell you what, that ain't. That's bull. You're out. Oh, I wore wool on Saturdays in Phoenix, you bastard. And you tell me I can't get in because of meat milk thing? Hey, you knew the rules. Son of a bitch. Should have gotten two kitchens. Well, it's kind of expensive down there. What if I washed kitchen one real good on Friday night and then over the weekend. Nope. No, no, no, no. Can't get in. You're going to hell. Like, God dang it, and that kind of crap right there. Words like that, that's getting you out, too.

[Brady]

You're fine with the adultery.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you forgave me for that. Been hammering that side. But. But the Bible also says that that woman thing is, they're not important. So you can. You're supposed to have a bunch of those. But, boy, you get meat and milk all screwed up. You're not going in. And those poor bastards in my neighborhood, I don't know where it is, but there's a hive of them that live. And I tell you again, I've told this story several times. You haven't lived to. And it's that time of year again. Baseball's hot in the air and the temperatures are dropping. The Orthodox Jews hit Granada park over there in Phoenix in their outfits and play one of the more rousing games of softball you've ever seen in your Life in slippery dress shoes and they're not wearing tennies. The men are all in those capes and the hats and they're just standing there and playing good baseball. Like good, good plays are being made. It's incredible.

[Brett]

Tory needs to be recruiting down here.

[John Holmberg]

You know what? They would. They wouldn't be battling for a wild card. They'd be in. That would be clinched. They'd be like, yeah, they'd be. They might be a division winner with what I saw. And that's of course, when that little seven year old boy came over and said, is that your dog? What a lovely dog, man. I pet your dog. And I'm like, you. You're seven. Where's the accent coming from? You live here. You know, it's around the house. We'll talk like this. What a beautiful animal. I can't touch it because you know I will go to hell. I've had milk. What? Milk and dairy and meats, if that gets you through. That's not a religion I can get behind. I admire anybody who wants to jump in on that. But there are many easier religions to get around there, like Catholicism and Christianity and, oh, my God. Those people do anything they want and just apologize a couple days later. They wear a poly cotton glen on the weekends. They can wear comfortable clothes. When I go by Granada park on the. I've said this a billion times. Driving down by Granada park on a Saturday in the summer, and they're not allowed to drive anywhere. If they need to go somewhere, they gotta walk. And they're in all this, they're just head to toe. And I just sit there and I'm like, poor Jews. I say it all the time. I feel terrible for them because they get a God that wants you in a tank top and jean shorts and flip flops. That is a God that cares about you. You're desert people. It's not even Phoenix. He did this to them back in the original days when they were walking the desert. Don't forget your wool clothes. Like, what the. Why wool?

[Brady]

NFL Sunday's coming. You've got your crew couch, your snacks, your slate, and FanDuel is coming in with something extra. It's Brady. This isn't just another NFL Sunday. It's your chance to place that perfect parlay or hit your go to player prop. And now we're making it even better because this week, FanDuel is bringing the bonus. Right now, all customers can get a 50% profit boost on any NFL bet however you play your game. FanDuel's got your back and something extra in your account because that's what Sunday should feel like. All you got to do is visit fanduel.com kupd to download the app and get in on the action before kickoff. 21 plus and present in Arizona. Opt in required bonus issued as non withdrawable profit boost tokens. Restrictions apply including any token expiration and max wager amount. See [e-mail] gambling problem. Call 1-800-next-step or text next step to 53342.

[Brett]

Hey, Byron. I was looking at mmpguns.com's website. You have everything and the prices are incredible.

[Byron]

Yes, sir. Mmpguns.com has over 400,000 products for sale daily. Everything from firearms, ammunition, accessories, optics, clothing, decoys and more. The best part is if you see it on our website, it's in stock and ready to ship.

[Brett]

Wait, there's no backorders?

[Byron]

Nope. We work with all our distributors, so what you see on our site is what's actually available. We ship all over the country, so we're not just for Arizonans anymore. If the firear you want is legal in your state, we can get it to a dealer for you to pick up.

[Brett]

Sounds simple. That's why I always go to MMP. Guns.com need wood?

[John Holmberg]

Call Oliver Starr with 84 lumber price match guarantee. Oliver is an expert in the lumber industry. Call 480-236-5578 or Oliver Starr s t a r r lumber.comberg's Morning Sickness. Why didn't you. Can I get something lighter, please? Nope. Gotta be wool. And don't even look cloven. Animal don't do it. And if it's not bled right, you're going to hell. Why is it all depending on how I eat?

[Brady]

It's gotten more casual since. I mean, even when I was a.

[John Holmberg]

Kid at church with them.

[Brady]

Originally we had to dress up. We didn't have to wear.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you guys just like you barely even try flying. None of you have read the book. You all pretend you know something about it. You pick. You pick your favorite parts. These folks over here on Saturdays at Granada park, they're living something. They're using wood sticks and stirring things in wood pots to make food because they're not allowed to have. Then they make their own fire. No car. They gotta walk around in wool. They're playing softball. That's all they've got to do. No TVs, no entertainment. You can't watch. It's crazy. And they seem fine. You got two kitchens that's why got two kitchens. Life is better. Ask Shane Roland. Maybe Shane does have some. Maybe that's why. Because she was a caterer. If she ever had to cater a Jewish thing, she has a kosher kitchen.

[Brady]

I was just thinking of all the times you look at whatever Zillow or home listings. How many times have you come across.

[John Holmberg]

And has two kitchens, a second kitchen, and the other one's never been tainted with any of that hellbound meat. I would if I could sit down with any of your gods and I'd say, what's the deal with food, man? You had it in your first book that, like, lobster was off the menu. What? Why? You made these delicious sea bugs. And then we started to eat them. We're like, take that out of the book. And he did. That's the best part. His first rule of law. This is the Old Testament word of God, and none shall change these words. That's it. No crustaceans, no tattoos. Next one's like, forget that whole thing. I just. I had crab for the first time. I was way off base on that one. If he's God, these crab legs are really good.

[Brady]

You know what, changing it up.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. If he knows the beginning, middle and end, why'd he write that first book with so many mistakes? Then you have an editor in there going, you're gonna change your mind. You remember, you can see the future. You're gonna change your mind about the crab thing. Yeah. Yeah. Well, let them deal with that. The Jew God won't even let him touch cloven hoof stuff. And milk can't get. It's gotta be. Look, I'm a lot more lenient about your meals. I just had a. I just had a little moment there with the crabs. He's like, God's like, trump, I don't like crabs. So they're in the book there. And then later it's like, you know what crab and I made up? They're back in. This one says John, I'm sure you already know as a practicing Jew, you're not allowed to use mechanics on Saturdays. Loophole is they pay non Jews to turn on and off their lights and flush their toilets. It's called the Sabbat Sabbat goys. So they get goyims to come over, start touching the stuff they're not allowed to. It's a Jew loophole. How about that? Sure. Toledo does that as a side job because it's a cucks profession. Okay, thanks, Ryan. I didn't know anything about that. I'm not An Orthodox Jew. I just play a Jew on tv. Crazy. Anyway, give me a God that wants me in nice, comfortable clothes, none of these robes and heavy items. The Catholics lost their minds, too. If you wanted to get involved, you gotta. You gotta get all crazy with that. And the Jews took it to another level by sticking desert people in wool and making it a rule. Mormons have that figured out. At least they went short sleeves.

[Brady]

Live your life like. And then just reset it like an Etch A Sketch every Sunday.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's the thing I like about your side is, like, I'm out there. Hoes and stuff. I'm having dirty thoughts. But I'm human. I make mistakes. Like. Oh, so you don't really believe you're being watched? No, I am. I just don't care that he watches me beat off. I'll tell him I'm sorry on Sunday. All right. So the weekly apology happens. Everybody feels good. And then on Tuesday, there you are wiping tummy puddles off after a nice moment with Madison Ivy on pornhub. I'll tell him again next Sunday that that's religion. That's a religion I can get behind. Sorry about that. Stop breaking the rules. We both know that's not gonna happen, but, yeah, in fact, if you see the future, I don't need to apologize to you. You've seen me. Why don't I just pile this up at the end? That deathbed confession seems pretty good. I'll do that. Can I not wear wool anymore? Nope. Gotta wear wool or you're going to hell. Jeez. You know it would be better. And when you get to hell and the devil looks at you and he goes, what's with the wool? You can take that off. Like, finally. This is first thing in hell is better than what I was doing. I like toy. The wool. The wool is a very important. Can I pet your dog? Don't pet my dog. You're getting your swampy wool hands all over my dog. I can't touch a leash. Your leash lights up. Ugh. It's dusk. I understand why you're doing it, but please.

[Brady]

Fifteen hundred dollars? Ten grand. Those giant fur hats that they have are amazing.

[John Holmberg]

Daniel says. My God, what a band name. Hellbound Meat. Didn't even catch that one. I like Jew loophole better, but I think Hellbound Meat is.

[Brett]

Sure Marcus plays that band already. It's gotta be a band.

[John Holmberg]

Google that. I bet you Hellbound Meat is the thing. Yeah. Meet me in hell. M E A T. Yeah. Yeah. You got too many gods caring about your Meals and. I mean, I understand, but what if it was just like. That's just you, gluttony. I get the balanced meal, but you gotta wear wool and worry about what? When your kitchen touches something. And that. Remember that lady that yelled at you because you shook hands with her? Or tried to try to. You touched a Jewish lady on Saturday and she lost her mom, had to go home. I should go bathe. She'll wash off the goyim. Poison another man. It basically should have just closed it, Brady. Well, we might as well have sex.

[Brady]

I went in for the hug.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, he tried to hug some Jewish lady. She started crying and ran out. And the husband's like, you're not allowed to bang my wife like that. I don't know that I did that. Well, in the eyes of God, you did, you jerk. This is good. I'm going to hear about this. And I think my answer to that was, don't take her out. Don't go introducing your wife if she's not allowed to touch another man at all. She shouldn't leave the house that day. If it means that much to you.

[Brady]

The business.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Yeah. You were in a business? Yeah. You were in some warehouse.

[Brady]

I'm a client.

[John Holmberg]

Nice to meet you. I'm gonna give you a hug. She must have been kind of hot. Yeah.

[Brett]

She didn't get the fist bump?

[John Holmberg]

No. Well, the fist bumps the same. Brady might as well just anal.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Am I going after. Because the fist bump was equally as awful as what Brady did. We both learned that day. Don't touch them. I don't like touching people. But that's taking it to an extreme. Jason says, you think any Jews gonna pay us goyims to do stuff for them on Saturday? Yes. Look, that's the one time they loosen it up a little bit because I have to turn the lights on. I need a goyle. Do they just light candles? I mean, that's not. I can't get behind that kind of thing. I would never.

[Brett]

No one ever discovers the Amish then. I mean, what is this?

[John Holmberg]

No one's ever a born again Orthodox Jew because they find out about Saturdays and they're like, geez, Louise, that's. I'm not gonna. I'm gonna fail that. Every weekend. You couldn't watch Ohio State. You couldn't have any college football unless you kind of wandered over to it. Or did the Jew Lupo and had Brett come over. What channel? Turn it to the Ohio State game. Ah, you're doing all the work.

[Brady]

In a neighborhood where you can See the TV from your backyard?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's the one. That's why they're all outside on Saturday. Just dawned on me. They're looking in your watching the game. So I'll just throw a leisurely walk in my giant wool suit. In 108 degrees, the Diamondback's home.

[Brett]

Now, could you technically turn the TV on at, you know, at midnight, right. Or 11:59 and just let it roll all day?

[John Holmberg]

But you can't change the channel.

[Brett]

Oh, you just got to make sure it's on. The Ohio game, you gotta make sure you got the right channel.

[John Holmberg]

Gotta look at the guide. All right, I found the guide.

[Katie Hobbs]

You can't turn the television on, Hector.

[John Holmberg]

You can't do it. I didn't. Brad came over last night, turned it on. I left it on. I can't turn it off anyway. Yeah, that's religion. Look, I'm not saying you can't do it. I'm fine with that. I'm saying I'm not good enough at Brady's. Cruddy religion that just basically allows you to do whatever you want and just say, whoops, sorry, it's your deathbed. These people. Saturdays in the wool. It is. That's another great band name. That is a rough one to see in summertime. And then you're real. I can't turn my TV on and off. Who's winning the game? Let's go to that window underneath the wall.

[Brady]

You take it off, there's a Scatterbase.

[John Holmberg]

There's another one right there underneath the wall. Anytime you throw that kind of stuff, these band names are pretty solid. I like the Scatter Boo. What are you gonna do? I don't shake hands with him. He can't touch my wife because it's essentially like banging her anyway. Yeah, when Brady did that, we. You told me that, and I'm like, I never knew that was a thing. Yeah, you can.

[Brady]

And that was just it. It was just a handshake. Oh, nice to me.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you were gonna. You were gonna be cute and try to go in for someone. She already touched her hand, but she put. She had that.

[Brady]

We didn't touch.

[John Holmberg]

You were trying to touch.

[Brady]

I reached out and she reacted like.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah, I tried to touch some woman.

[Brady]

What did I do? That's an insult.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

And that's why I asked my friend what happened there?

[John Holmberg]

Well, you also had your dick out. I don't remember that part, but I.

[Brady]

Forgot it was summer.

[John Holmberg]

Look who showed up. Hey, look who came to the party. I bought my best friends along with me. Anyway. Anyway, I don't know how we got off on that topic, but there it is. Why did we start talking about that?

[Brett]

Shane? Orlando's.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. Gorgeous house.

[Brady]

A triple. He is triple, right?

[John Holmberg]

Three kitchens went up to the guest house, which is attached to the house kitchen. Outside, that's four technically. Because outside the guest house is this giant patio with another kitchen. That's four kitchens.

[Brady]

Probably got a pretty good barbecue.

[John Holmberg]

That's what it was. It was basically a kitchen with a barbecue. And yeah, it was pretty amazing. And a couple of those, by the way, one upstairs if you ever need a place to stay. Shane's house is amazing because the second. The other part, that isn't where the Maine people live. It's just on top of where the Maine people live. A kitchen, two bedrooms, nice thing. And then an outdoor patio. That's the best part of the whole house.

[Brady]

Orlando Resort.

[John Holmberg]

It was better than Disneyland. It was going to Orlando. He was awesome. So it's just beautiful. Built it himself, too, which is great because he's got that. It's pretty awesome. So thanks to Shane last night for hosting that. I was only there for like an hour or so, but it's pretty awesome. And Shane, it's. It's like. Just moved in a couple days ago. So the pool didn't have any water in it. Like, it was one of those. It's almost finished. The inside's pretty much done. So I'm getting. Shane didn't know where anything was. Can I get you a drink? I always like to drink. And I said, I don't know. What do you got? So he points to the bar and. Pretty nice bar. And I said, I'll just have a vodka soda. When you say soda, like Fresca or like, what do you have? Like that. Let's just start here. What do you have? And then I'll make something out of that. So I had a Diet Coke and vodka, which I've. That's new. And I just saw things. I'm like, I know. I like that. I'm not supposed to be drinking that right now because I'm trying to quit. But the vodka. I'm not trying to quit. I'm trying to find new mixers. He didn't have any soda. And Shane's just opening every drawer trying to see where things were. I'm like, I got this. I knew his house better than him by the end of the night.

[Brady]

Were you like Frank the tank after he tasted the Diet Coke.

[John Holmberg]

It's not bad.

[Brady]

So good.

[John Holmberg]

Damn it man, that is having a couple weeks off from the Diet Coke.

[Brett]

Has been streaking down Shane Street.

[Brady]

Yeah, he went through a case last night.

[John Holmberg]

It was a little baby mini can, so I didn't feel so bad about. I didn't drink the whole thing, but. Oh, when it touched the lips, my friend and I were back together. At least it wasn't cloven hooved soda. That's all. Let's get a wake up song. 585-9800. A good one. As we begin life again, ignoring Jimmy Kimmel. And isn't it better already to just get it out of our system?

[Brady]

It's over.

[John Holmberg]

It's over. Back to not watching Kimmel as a nation. Oh, what a. We're back. It feels normal again. And it kind of puts a bookend on the whole nightmarish. Charlie, Kirk, Trump, all this stuff. It kind of ended it last night. It's like, okay, fine. He's back where he belongs in a place I didn't care about, and we can all get back to normal. Give us a wake up song. We'll scream it together. It's 98 KUPD.

[Katie Hobbs]

Wake up.

[John Holmberg]

Hey, it's not weird.

[Brady]

It's pretty cool, actually.

[John Holmberg]

No membership fees. I have heard enough of this morning sickness. The old method of treatment for a person in this condition was to throw him in jail. Thank you very much. Miles to Noah. That's Katie and the Hobbs. And we'll have. We'll have more to hear from her in a second. I'm just gonna read something to everybody. I think this is ten times more important than any Jimmy Kimmel or. Although that dude stabbing himself with the pen in the neck yesterday at that. The Ralph guy that was gonna shoot Trump but didn't. He was at that golf course near the gun. He was gonna. He had his trial. And then right when they told him, it's pretty much life in prison for your ass, dummy. He tried to jam a pen in his throat. And the only thing that I loved about it. It's funny to me because he's such a creep and a crazy person. And I like when those people get pointed out and pushed into cells. That doesn't bother me at all. I'm not rooting for him to get better either. I don't care. Just go away. They didn't have cameras in the courtroom, so the only way we got to see that was some dude had to draw it for us. Renderings drawings are hilarious because it's a dude with a pen up against his throat looking crazy. And two other Drawings like, pulling on his arm, like, yikes. The artist had to sit and go, ah. And just start super sketching. And I started. What a job that is, especially when a dry. A dude tries to. What would he have done had he gotten it? Just. Would he have drawn the blood spurts?

[Brady]

Yeah, he's going for the main vein.

[John Holmberg]

They do. Oh, that's not what he was going for, but all right. He was trying to turn a jugular himself and shoot it out in the courtroom because he didn't want to go to jail for the rest of his life. But there's a dude with, like, colored pencils just sitting in the corner, like, super fast catching that, getting it out to the news outlets. And that's what I. And I started. I outlined. I don't LOL a lot, but I sure did, because this guy had to draw. There's the picture as fast as he could, and then you got to do a little shading. He has to make it like, I don't like the nose here. He had to background it a little bit with, you know, walls. And I think I find that job hysterical.

[Brett]

Paint a little tree right here with some Van Dyke dude has to sit.

[John Holmberg]

There and listen to all that chord stuff. And occasionally just like. Well, that's something. Like. It's like being a photographer. I'll take a picture of that. Oh, this is a good moment. And then he just has to remember it. I wonder if he takes photos and then draws the photo. I don't know how that works.

[Brady]

Yeah, the one lawyer has a mohawk. It looks like.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, well, you know, Brady, come on. The focus is not on that. Don't critique his work that way. I don't have a mohawk. Kind of cool. You think any of the lawyers go over, what'd you draw my hair like that for? I didn't have my gray charcoal pen. It started to.

[Brady]

Someone had it.

[John Holmberg]

Yes, I forgot it. It's in another courtroom. I left it at my last hearing, and so I had to improvise. So you got a Mohawk icing, and.

[Brady]

The guy reached in and grabbed one of his colored pencils.

[John Holmberg]

Maybe that's. Yeah, that's the one that he was trying to stab himself with. But he's got to get his little pens together and his paper and just stand there and go, I gotta find my moment. And they draw so fast. And if you have a kid that wants to do that, would. You wouldn't encourage that kid. I want to draw court sketches. Like, oh, God, I got one of those.

[Brett]

Your dumb ass has got to Be in court.

[John Holmberg]

But you're going to say you're going to live here for the rest of your life. That's. And then he becomes like, I got the Ralph case. I got the President Shooter case. No kidding. That's good. You're going to draw that? Yeah, I got to draw that.

[Brady]

It's only for high profile stuff, right?

[John Holmberg]

That just depends on if the judge let. Or certain states don't let cameras in the courtroom. Certain judges are like, no, we're not cover this.

[Brady]

Let's get the sketch artist.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And then the ones that don't have cameras, you got a sketch artist. And even the ones that do have cameras, you have a sketch artist. There were a few OJ Sketches, but that, you know, pointless because we saw every second of that thing. So that guy showed up periodically. But the courtroom sketch artist is. Since I was a kid. That. That technology has not changed. I don't know why we can't take snapshots. No cameras in the. But why can't we have, like, just still shots?

[Brady]

Would you like them to be more caricature stuff? Giant heads, small bodies, like when you get your thing done. Caricatures.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that would be fun to have that guy because he's very fast as well, and he can knock those out. So you like to. He would have been stabbing himself in the neck on the back of a horse or something.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Skydiving. What's two things you love? I don't know. Steelers and skateboards. Okay, watch this. I'm on trial for murder. That's fine. You're gonna be in a Steelers jersey and you're gonna be riding a pony to a skate park. Why? I didn't say anything about a horse. You're gonna do it anyway.

[Brady]

I remember I was carrying a bag of golf clubs. All your hobbies are always in those sketch things.

[John Holmberg]

I went to San Diego once and walked along that Seaport Village, and I don't remember if this was Megan or the other one. I don't remember which, who was with me, because it was hilarious. But I think it was Geneva. So we're. We're walking along and there's this guy, and he's got this, like. He looks like Doug Henning, the old magician. He had this rainbow shirt and a. Like a beret, and he's got these pictures behind him, and that's pretty neat. And he goes, I'll sketch you in three minutes. Three minutes. That's worth it. Just to see how much is that you're on. This was. Yeah, I'm like, You can't. I'm timing it. It's free. It's like a Domino's pizza. Anything over three minutes is a discount. So he gets these pens, and he's got them all rubber banded together. And so I'm sitting there, and I swear to God, he just took, like, one Bic pen out of the rubber bands, drew something that wasn't me riding a unicorn, took the other pens. They're all different colors. Just started to scribble all over the thing and made, like, stars and rainbows. And then handed me this thing. It's $75. I'm like, you're out of your mind. No way. It was. I could do this. This is terrible. And where's the art that's behind you? I didn't do those. You son of a bitch. You're sitting in front of somebody else's art. He just had somebody else on break. Yeah, it was just some dude I gave money to.

[Brady]

Little Griff.

[John Holmberg]

It just penned me real quick, like, it was like Charlie Brown. It was a circle, the nose, a stick body. And then he took all the colors and made, like, stars in the back.

[Brady]

Pay up.

[John Holmberg]

But he drew a unicorn. Fine. That he was good at. $75. I'm not paying you for this. Where's the. Like, what's behind you is beautiful. I didn't do those. Oh, you bastard. But it was. It was the funniest thing ever, because this dude just sat there like, I'm an artist, and this is what I do. I'm not gonna go work one day in my life. I'm gonna grift tourists. And I was. I said it was the most worth it ever because I've done the caricature. Remember when Larry did it with his daughter? Oh, yeah. Larry had. Larry hung it. He had a caricature of he and his daughter. This is one of the funniest moments of our old boss, Chuck Artigue, ever. And Larry was. You know, had a ball cap on. So dude drew Larry with the baseball hat. I don't know. He had, like, a glove on his hand or something. He did some caricature thing.

[Brett]

And it's Charlie Brown almost trying. Yeah, go play ball.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Yeah. But they were. They were together in the picture, and everybody that saw it was like, it's you and your daughter that looks kind of like this plain black hat. Looks like you're about to human traffic her. And we're all teasing. Larry goes, that's my daughter. He was, like, defensive of it, and we're kind of teasing Him. And then Chuck comes down and looks at it, goes, get that off your goddamn wall. Looks like a pedophile. Oh, yeah. This is disgusting. It doesn't look like a daughter and a dad. It looks like an old man dating a child. Get it off. And he wasn't wrong. I was dying. There's a good. Kyle says, why are there still court sketch room? Can't AI do that better and faster? That's a good point. AI could do that in a second. You're right. That's what James says. Same thing. AI is going to take that job. So if you're. If you were a kid that only I've never knew that kid. I'm going to grow up and be a sketch artist for court things. You realize all you have to sit through all the boring court cases, you gotta draw every one of them. And yuck. You know, they just sit there and draw dicks on those guys Constantly on the ones nobody cares about.

[Brady]

Has to be the ones they don't pick.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Nobody ever. He draws a few extras. Like, I'm gonna put a dick on his head. I can draw real good. It's that weird kid in school that always drew on his notebooks. And it's like, did you just draw the teacher with huge cans and. Yep. Check this out.

[Brett]

Nice job, kid.

[John Holmberg]

It's Mr. Garabay with one great big right arm. Because I think he just beats off all day. I hate that guy. Like, yeah, I have Garabe in fifth hour. Let's get to what's really going on here. Just gonna read this. This is. A lot of people will know what I'm talking about by the first line. Dear user, you've been down this road in the last couple days. As you may know, your elected officials in Arizona are requiring us to verify your age before allowing you access to our. While safety and compliance are at the forefront of our mission, giving your ID card every time you want to visit an adult platform is not the most effective solution for protecting users and in fact, will put children and your privacy at risk. In addition, mandating age verification without proper enforcement gives platforms the opportunity to choose whether or not to comply. Just drives traffic to sites with far fewer safety measures in place. And that's exactly what happened at my house just yesterday.

[Brett]

Yeah, Cut off.

[John Holmberg]

Well, pornhub puts up the thing. You have to click on a deal. You have to show your ID to pornhub. You have to get your wallet out. And it's like, I'm not doing this. So then you just go Google Johnny Sins and Madison Ivy. And you end up on something xcxn and then your phone's just like, there's so much wrong with this site. And he's like, get out of there. I need to beat off now and not xx. And you X out all the warnings and all the problem. Brady, this is one time your terrible way of living is better than all of ours because you're not going to have it. Brady's phone is the only one that when he goes in for a new one, he actually hands the phone to the guy at the store with no problems. Here you go. Because every time I go back and I get it, feel like, here's my old phone. And he goes, let's get rid of. Man. This thing is loaded with viruses. It's basically him saying, you beat off to everything.

[Brett]

I'm sitting there for an hour trying to clear everything out there.

[John Holmberg]

You can't get rid of the viruses, though. It's. He knows Brady's is pristine. He's like, have you even used this? I made a few calls to home mom. My God, man. You know, it's got the Internet on it. Ooh, the dirty, dirty. I don't go to that.

[Brady]

I don't know, there's some searches now or whatever. That's Instagram.

[John Holmberg]

And things have changed for you. But it's not a website you're visiting. You stay on Instagram. To all the creepy, fetish, crippled people that you tend to enjoy, us normal folks like the pornhub, it's quick, simple. We've got the system down. It's a nice one.

[Brett]

Get in, get out.

[John Holmberg]

And it's. And it does a good job with the viruses and stuff. And there's absolutely no reason for this to be a thing and no reason for. You want to talk about First Amendment violations, the government getting involved, and what I click on. When it comes to legal stuff, you know, they should have no business in that. Pornhub provides a service that is absolutely legal. And if you. If your kids are getting on there without you knowing it, that's not the government's job. That's the parents job. The government shouldn't make it harder for me to get on porn sites if I want them or you, because it's protecting children. That is just not the way this is supposed to go. That's what parents are supposed to do. And they forget that sometimes. And then they're like, well, if the government's not gonna fix it, no one will. And that's where I get mad. I knew it. Oh, man. He's here. Ladies and gentlemen, Governor Katie Hobbs. Come on in.

[Brady]

Hey, guys.

[John Holmberg]

Hi, Brad. Hi, Katie. How's it going?

[Katie Hobbs]

Oh, my God, it's been so long since I've been.

[John Holmberg]

No, where you been?

[Katie Hobbs]

I've been like, writing a lot of things about. I love this song. Hi, Brady.

[Brady]

Whatever.

[Katie Hobbs]

Yeah, exactly. I see you got out of your kidney operation.

[Brady]

I did.

[Katie Hobbs]

Shoot.

[Brett]

Damn.

[Katie Hobbs]

You're right. Damn. There it is. I wish I could have slid the doctor a fin to get him out, but are you sure Your heart needs to be removed as well? Maybe your eyes. Anyway. I wish I had what my eyes were. I wish my eyes had what Brady's kidney had every time I'm in a room with Brady. So the doctors would remove them anyway. That's not why I'm here.

[John Holmberg]

Why are you here?

[Katie Hobbs]

I'm here. I bet. All right, now, at least I have two reasons. There's one. Why there's a reason I'm always here. I think we both. Ugh. I think we both. Know what?

[Brady]

That's just gonna take a while.

[Katie Hobbs]

Are you gonna talk the whole time?

[Brett]

Hey, Byron. I heard you have something new to announce from MMP Guns, Brett.

[Byron]

I sure do. It's MMP Guns. Customs MMP Guns is creating some amazing firearms. We offer polishing, plating, bluing, custom laser engraving, laser stippling, cerakoting and performance upgrades. We do everything in house with our mast craftsman. You can select our designs or make up your own.

[Brett]

Well, can you do this to my gun?

[Byron]

We can do it to nearly any firearm. Doesn't matter where you live. You can ship it to us or. We already have completed firearms in inventory daily with. No wait.

[Brett]

Well, there you have it. MMP Guns on the northeast corner of 12th street and Indian School or online at mmpgunscustoms.com.

[John Holmberg]

And Doug, here we have the Limu Emu in its natural habitat, helping people customize their car insurance and save hundreds with Liberty Mutual. Fascinating. It's accompanied by his natural ally, Doug. Uh, limu is that guy with the binoculars watching us? Cut the camera. They see us. Only pay for what you [e-mail] Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty Savings Fairy, underwritten by Liberty Mutual Insurance Company and affiliates. Excludes Massachusetts. Holmberg's morning sickness.

[Katie Hobbs]

The adults are having a conversation. Why don't you take your. Your odd number of kidneys into another room and go eat low salt snacks?

[John Holmberg]

Or high salt.

[Katie Hobbs]

I don't care. Anyway, I just thought it was a good idea, Brett, to do the pornhub thing, because I don't need that?

[Brett]

Every man needs that.

[Katie Hobbs]

No you don't. Oh yeah, Brett, what do you need?

[Brady]

I agree with you, Brett.

[Katie Hobbs]

What do you need porn for when you have access to everything?

[Brett]

Like what?

[John Holmberg]

Everything. Oh my Bumpy is in play. Hear that, Brady?

[Katie Hobbs]

Uh huh, that's right, Brady. I'll let him me there. I had to say that to Brady so I got a little nauseous.

[Brady]

Makes two of us.

[Katie Hobbs]

If ass play became a human being, it would look like you're the living human embodiment of anal play. Anyway, Brad, I just wanted to know because we voted against, it should be harder for you to have porn, but there's a way you can. Yeah, but if you're ever feeling that way, you don't need ID for me. Just put some soup next to your grandma's nightstand so if she gets hungry at night, she can. Grandma, don't you sleep in bed with that old lady? I've seen pictures of you. And it's so heartwarming and touching that you take care of that elderly, decrepit, awful thing and you let it stay in your house and you watch it eat. It's gotta be so hard for you. I've seen it walk like 28 days later. Quit looking at me, Brady. I don't want to catch it. And I'm not talking about your kidney.

[John Holmberg]

Disease, I'm talking about ugly.

[Katie Hobbs]

Don't try to top me. It's not gonna work. You just sit back and take your beat anyway.

[Brett]

A lot of people are mad about it though.

[Katie Hobbs]

I know, but we don't care about them, Brad. This is about us.

[Brett]

John doesn't like it.

[Katie Hobbs]

Who anyway? John will figure it out. Trust me. He doesn't have really any boundaries as far as what his phone is gonna catch. At least John doesn't end up with an std. His phone can have aids, he doesn't care. But you don't need it. And I want you to know that I'm there for you.

[Brett]

Oh, thanks, Katie.

[Katie Hobbs]

So I'm sorry that everybody has to go with us, but until Brett sees the light and the writing on the wall and then he doesn't have to try. And it's gotta be hard for that old lady with all that osteoporosis and stuff. She has to have to take the weight of a man like you.

[Brett]

Oh, you could do better than that.

[Katie Hobbs]

I don't have 80 year old bones. I mean, you have to remember she's got osteoarthritis. I'm sure. Right. So every time you try to make her legs open, you need WD40 and a crowbar. Does she creak like the Tin man when she opens her legs for you?

[Brett]

No.

[Katie Hobbs]

Does this noise happen?

[Brady]

That's pretty good, Katie.

[Katie Hobbs]

Thanks, Brady.

[John Holmberg]

And then does she say, go get em, tiger.

[Katie Hobbs]

And when you clear away the fog.

[Brady]

The fog?

[Katie Hobbs]

Yeah. When you have to shave it, do you need to get like a license from like, I don't know, the forestry commission or something? Some animal control you have to trinket?

[John Holmberg]

No.

[Katie Hobbs]

I asked your grandmother wife for her idea, and she handed me a knitted tapestry. This is the way we used to do at the 1300. Anyway, Bates, sorry about the porn for everybody else, but Brett, I don't think you need this.

[Brett]

Where am I supposed to get my porn from?

[Katie Hobbs]

Let me just turn around and show you.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, look at that.

[Brett]

How about that, Brady?

[Katie Hobbs]

Looks like a purple sandwich. Okay, Brett. Sorry, everybody, but I'm doing the pornhub thing for Brett. And we'll get. It'll be fine soon. Do like John does, you perverts, and just find your porn elsewhere. And then get a new phone in a couple months. We're working on Brett because more Brett has to have sex with that thing. When you open her coffin lid, does it smell? I'm trying to make it so you're gonna get horny and then you're gonna roll over and realize, I need something better. And I'm waiting. I'm waiting. I can do the splits.

[Brett]

Oh, really?

[Katie Hobbs]

Whatever you want to do.

[John Holmberg]

Hear that?

[Brady]

Brady time.

[Katie Hobbs]

I'm like. I'm like Brady with a beef rib. It goes all the way in.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, man.

[Katie Hobbs]

And also, like Brady, it comes all the way out.

[John Holmberg]

Whoa.

[Katie Hobbs]

And then goes all the way back in. You can pick where you want to put it. Just like Brady with a beef. You beef ribs before. I'm sure looking at you. Gotta go.

[John Holmberg]

Bye, Brett.

[Brett]

Bye, Katie.

[Brady]

Great to see you. Darn.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, well, you can act upset, but she's. She doesn't care. So that's what you get for the pornhub. It turns out that our government officials are just trying to get Brett to be horny enough to call her. It is weird, though. Have you gone on there yet?

[Brett]

No, I haven't tried.

[John Holmberg]

Go to pornhub. And it makes it like, show id.

[Brett]

Somebody says if you take it off WI Fi. Oh, but I don't. I don't know if that's true. I think I. I don't know if.

[John Holmberg]

Well, I mean, he said he had.

[Brett]

To do that in Montana. Take his phone out of WI Fi.

[John Holmberg]

We're going to find an end around trust. Oh, well, yeah. Yeah. We are not. This. This will stand. Yeah. You can sit and act like, you know, we care about Israel and Gaza and Ukraine and stuff. You take our porn away and suddenly there's going to be some active Americans getting things done for sure. There's no question about that. But, yeah, I mean, let's get the notice right there. I am 18. And there. Yeah, there it is. If you take it off Wi Fi, it just makes you do the IM.18. All right. Yeah. What's the point of that?

[Brady]

Another hoop.

[John Holmberg]

It's just. Yeah. Things you gotta jump through to have a decent time with yourself. Well, I make it tougher for me to do that. And again, jumping through hoops to get to that. I firmly believe that is government interference. You can say the Kimmel thing all day long. You can say, Trump's destroying the freedom and democracy officials in Arizona, and this is all Democrats. So you can be mad. This is them making it harder for you to beat off because kids might see it that. Where are the parents? Why aren't we getting down on that?

[Brady]

You can set the phone filters for kids. Okay.

[John Holmberg]

You know who's gonna figure it out before you? You have to ask your kids how to set the filters. I mean, if you.

[Brady]

Again, yeah, but you're talking about hoops.

[John Holmberg]

Right. But my point being, you have to ask your kid. You're worried about how to get the phone to do certain things. Almost every parent is dumber than their kid when it comes to the phone. So if you have to go to your kid and go, all right, I need you to set the adult filters on this. You're not allowed to go here and show me how to do that. That's. He's gonna figure out how to get around it. He's smarter than you when it comes to that. My dad used to make me have to work the VCR because it was confusing setting clocks and doing all that stuff and couldn't do it. And that's the phone.

[Brady]

So the only hoop for a bunch of guys who grown up in our era and stuff was finding the magazine that appears.

[John Holmberg]

And they were bad at that. We're bloodhounds when it comes to this stuff. We will find the dirty. So pornhub's just making it tougher, but that's real government interference. That's parenting. You got a kid, you're worried about seeing porn on the phone. You know what? Here's the. Take the phone away. Never gonna happen. So you run the risk they'll hate me. Exactly. The phone is equivalent to giving them a knife and sending them to school. Something bad's gonna happen if you take their phone away. They can't have the phone. You've pretty much started to negate the risk of them seeing bad things on the Internet. If you're worried about that, take their phone away.

[Katie Hobbs]

I can't.

[John Holmberg]

All right, well, then they're gonna probably see some bad things. We need to have guidelines. No, not the ones that stop me. Why do your guidelines that you've lost control of your kids have to stop me from doing stuff? I should have safe and free pornography on my phone. That's why phones are as good good as they are. If again, look it up. I'm not making this stuff up. If it weren't for porn, we would be closer to the iPhone 4 at this point than we were like the iPhone 26. Now where we're sitting on the iOS, the gigantic advances are all due to our need for pornography. It has advanced technology from the first time we had technology. The first thing they did in the printing press. Hey, look, it makes words. Does it make naked ladies? Good question. And it did. And they had the porn picture of some lady back. They used to carve women in the side. Everything's all porn. Everything. So don't make it harder than me and people. Look, I got all the stuff. Try private mode. Do this. We've all figured an end around, but the government doesn't need to make us do this. Too many hoops. How about some sort of moratorium on kids phones where they can't go to websites that their parents don't know about?

[Brett]

Not my Hayden Kaden Braden.

[Katie Hobbs]

Well, he wouldn't do that. Oh, he doesn't like alcohol or drugs.

[John Holmberg]

Or pornography or anything his friends do. Oh, yeah, he's the unicorn. Okay, I see. Ever pick up his towel and wonder what that is? I think he was eating some fluffernutter last night. Yeah, that's exactly what's on the towel. Dried up Fluffer nutter.

[Katie Hobbs]

It's all over the place. And evidently had a bloody nose when his girlfriend came over because that was on the towel too.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, okay. Well, at least you can't get pregnant from a bloody nose. No, no, they laid a towel down to protect the sheets, not mine.

[Katie Hobbs]

No, he wouldn't do that.

[John Holmberg]

He's 31. He's a virgin. Yeah, that's right. He's never had a sip of alcohol and he doesn't even know what porn is. Oh, right.

[Brady]

Then it might be time for him to move out.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. It's time for you to just recognize your teenage kid is probably doing. I love that. I love talking. I love being my age right now. It's a great time. Because I know people who have kids at a certain age that I knew their parents at that age. I always use my friend Mark as an example. I've known Mark since we were 11 and he's got kids who are now ranging between 17 and 24. And I've watched him and deep down he knows. But the woman that he's. He's had. I've heard stories about the things that they've done together and they're just vulgar. And that was back when they've been together for a long time. Since they were, you know, college. And now their kids are college age and they just won't admit that their kids would even think about doing the stuff that they were doing, which was, you know, using shampoo as lube and all sorts of crazy stuff like that. And I always bring it up to them like, you forget I know you two. I knew you when you were 21. Why do you think your kid's different? Just doesn't seem to have interest in those things. Really. Well, that's interesting. I'd like to send his brain to science because he's the most different kid of all time. Your kid's not unique. They're all the same. From time on in, they're the same. And everybody wants to know. This is a different. Different generation. They behave. Yeah. They're socially different. They still have human feelings and hormones and things like that. Curiosities. Stupid decision making.

[Brady]

You have to make those choices.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And they. And they do. And usually it's the wrong one. That's why it's necessary to have parents until. I hate to break it to your parents till they're 25 now because they ain't going anywhere. High five. High five. I had a guy tell me that the other day. You know how expensive it is to send a kid to college? No. What? Like I don't have any of them. It's $50,000 for my daughter to go to Genzaka. MCC's right down the road. Well, I want to go to a good school. I don't care about your kid going to a school. I don't have to worry about this. You know what I did? I spent your kids college education in Vegas. Well, you're an idiot. They get mad at you.

[Brett]

Who's the idiot?

[John Holmberg]

You're stupid. You should. You're throwing your money away. Say the same Thing about Gonzaga. Spending 50 grand a year for Gonzaga. It's $200,000. It's going to take me years in Vegas to hit that. Mark. Mark. We're good. But now that. Now that your kids have wrecked my porn convenience, I turn my eye back to you parents. Time to toss the phones, Brady. Again today. Going. I don't know that you've ever done it. You've never gone into Kirby's phone? No. Let's take a look. You've never done it. You've asked her questions, she's told you the stories. You need to toss her phone. Find out. See what her curiosity leads her history and things like that. She's probably listening right now. And I bet you she picks the phone up, up she goes, right to clear history, just in case dad decides to.

[Brady]

Good. That's a good decision.

[John Holmberg]

Because you don't want to see it. And that's where parents lose it. Like, I don't want to know what they're doing at all. Horrifying. But it's time to toss the cells again, I think. Right now. Get in there and just go. Let's take a look at what you got. You're paying for the phone. You have every right to. This is a violation of my rights. Oh, you don't have those yet. You're my child. Violation of your rights. Now, I don't know where you think you are, but when you're inside my house, this is North Korea. And this is how it's gonna be. What do you need to see my phone for? I pay for it. It's my phone. Technically. You need to toss their phone to toss Kirby's phone today. Find out. Right.

[Brett]

When you're a kid living.

[John Holmberg]

Exactly.

[Brett]

You have the right to pay rent somewhere else. Get the. That. That would be the Kurt Vesli way.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Hey, that's good point. James Fry emails. He says no pornhub. That's tough. But naked people during Pride Week, that's just fine. We can see that all over. Yeah, well, you know, that's just a personal preference. They should have a little warning on that one, too. It's a good point. Yeah. Said pornhub being shut down in Arizona by politics. Explains why Grindr had that huge explosion Sunday. It's true. People didn't know what to do. Like, well, I gotta do something, I guess. This is sort of close. I'll just squint, try to make those balls go away. Sup? Just looks like a hairy lady. I mean, I'm gonna search shaved twinks and see if I can get some prone position thing where I don't see any of his goods.

[Brady]

Shaved twins.

[John Holmberg]

Smooth twink. Hammered by man. Pornhub ruined it. Yeah. And you're gonna get viruses, that's all. Grindr had an eruption and it did. I thought that was a joke at first, but Sunday, Grindr had like a massive push. And they're saying it every time there's a conservative. I had an IT guy, he said it's. Honestly, it's. Every time there's some sort of weird conservative party, they have a Grinder uptick. And I don't know if that's because the gays get nervous that there's so many Republicans in one place that they start just like, maybe it's the last day on earth or there's a lot of down low activity at, I don't know, more time to spend with it, I suppose. But there was an awful lot of Grinder activity in Phoenix, which is hilarious. If you can put your politics down for a second, that's pretty funny. And Grindr even said, wow, look at the numbers we're pulling in Phoenix this weekend. What's going on in Phoenix? Oh, no, they. Them. Hilarious.

[Brett]

How many of our salespeople were on the phone with Grindr this weekend going, you know that just good advertising.

[John Holmberg]

Why don't we advertise? Why isn't. Why don't we have that?

[Brady]

They got it for free.

[John Holmberg]

We'll talk about Grindr for sure. But I'm just saying, why?

[Brady]

I mean, they got some good exposure.

[John Holmberg]

I'll tell you exactly why. Porn doesn't advertise. Doesn't have to.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

We don't need. We are. We will find it.

[Brett]

You don't think Susan's telling them? Moynihan, get over there and talk to the people at Grindr.

[John Holmberg]

Call pornhub and see if they'll do it. And pornhub's like, we run the ads. We don't know people find us. We do. You know we're kings of the Internet, right? We are the Internet.

[Brady]

John, will you do an endorsement?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. You think it's Yahoo and Instagram? It's not. Would I do an endorsement? Huh? Chilling away. I wouldn't make it through the commercial. By the end, I'd be asleep. Check out their specials this week on Shave Twinks. Okay. That's not for you.

[Brady]

When I built my profile.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I'd be.

[Brady]

What was it on the.

[John Holmberg]

In a world where Madison Ivy has to babysit Johnny Sin's daughter, what could happen? It's John Holberg. Here for pornhub. Here's my.

[Brady]

Or should I say what was the last one you had?

[John Holmberg]

Me?

[Brady]

Yeah. When we open it up young, your profile.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, on Grindr. I don't remember what I had or as you know, was it platinum ass or some virgin ass or something like that? And the dudes were like, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Yeah, I do movie reviews. If pornhub wanted to use me as an endorser would be like, today's feature takes one in the mouth. Stepsister lost stuck under bed bigger than father. I don't want to give the twist away, but evidently dad's size wasn't up to snuff. I give this five stars.

[Brady]

There's so many categories. My favorite this weekend was, and that's.

[John Holmberg]

My review of Madison Ivy meets Johnny Sins at home. It's a star review. Wow.

[Brett]

Five squirts. Nice.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, they need to have that. Like in a world those moments where the movie voice guy does stuff. Johnny Sins is going on vacation. But then something unexpected enters his life. I lost my underpants. Johnny Sims, Madison Ivy in hey, those weren't my pants in the first place. It is an overreach though of, of anybody pushing laws onto people. And it's proof. It goes right into the gun argument. Why make people who are legally doing everything right have to tap dance around all the people who are doing it wrong? Get a parent involved, make it harder for me or just fumble around with a phone sometimes.

[Brady]

Now you know, just keep it on private.

[John Holmberg]

Well, now there's got to be something that again, I got to go through hoops because you guys won't go through your kids phones. That's essentially what's happening. It's dumb. This guy says, I as a parent am responsible for making sure my child is safe. Especially with the Internet. I have a safe filter through a Google app that doesn't allow adult mature sites to be seen at all. But even that I don't trust. To be honest. Porn is one of the least things I'm worried about my kids seeing compared to stuff like the Charlie Kirk video, the murder stuff. That's all. You're absolutely right.

[Brady]

They were talking this morning about the different gaming platforms on how kids are being groomed with ideology and well, I.

[John Holmberg]

Mean, nobody's paying attention to them.

[Brady]

You're like, you know, they games like, you know, everything. Roblox and all that.

[John Holmberg]

Well, they're suing Roblox now because some lady said it made her kid do something like, where were you? Well, he was being babysat by his. By his screen.

[Katie Hobbs]

And I thought it was better because.

[John Holmberg]

He was being quiet. Said I tossed my son's phone weekly. He gets so upset. And all I say is, I'm sorry. This is technically my phone. I pay for it. That's exactly what you should do. Every week, just go in and go, give me your phone. I'm gonna go through the whole thing. Oh, man. Says, who needs porno when you can have AI John? It gives you virtually everything not saying what he actually wrote. Get with the times, man. I don't know. That seems like, artificial. And I don't like. And they look good, but I realize what I'm doing is borderline pathetic in the first place. And now it's with imaginary people. I need to. I need to. I need to know that the person I'm watching might go to the hospital. AI, I watched a dog jump out of a deep fryer yesterday. I thought I was watching a thing on Instagram, like, this is neat. And then this golden retriever left out, and it flipped me off. I'm like, oh, okay.

[Brady]

Seen a bunch of different animals.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. There's no risk involved in AI porn. I mean, you watch Johnny Sins do what he does to that tiny little Madison. Ivy. A couple of those videos. You realize she is risking life and limb for my entertainment. AI, it doesn't even really exist.

[Brady]

Now she's gonna be giving you the finger.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. AI is not gonna wander off and go, oh, I need a couple days to rest. It can go right at it again. It's just silly. I like there to be some danger. I guess there's none. AI provides no danger. Except for now that I gotta jump through hoops and now I gotta go to some weird site and get all sorts of viruses. Don't need that.

[Brady]

This girl just got a three million dollar contract with the record company. She writes the lyrics to the songs.

[John Holmberg]

Mm.

[Brady]

And then uses AI to produce the songs.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

And they just. It's the first time they put someone under contract.

[John Holmberg]

That's the future. AI is amazing at that. Good stuff. And then finally this morning, the. I want to apologize again for not because I did anything wrong. 4. On behalf of all the people. And I start with my friend Sherry. You met Sherry the Jew. She calls herself Sherry the Jew. She's. She works at the Dos Equis bar at the arena downtown Suns. And I met her through Kevin Ray. And she's awesome. And she works the Diamondback Games as well. Sunday. In an effort to appease emotion rather than reality, the Jonas Brothers are supposed to play their Concert Sunday night at the Phoenix Arena. PHX Arena. That was supposed to happen. And all the vendors, I'm sure were thrilled. Sold out Jonas Brothers coming to town. Everybody's gonna go there, have a good time. Well, the Mercury decided that they were gonna start playing in the play. I don't know if you realize that that's still a thing with the Mercury. Basketball season is still going on and it's the playoffs.

[Brady]

I did see it last night. I didn't watch any. I was going scrolling through it was.

[John Holmberg]

On and they won. So there is a game, is there? They got a game now Sunday that is going to take the place of the Jonas Brothers concert. Because you can't tell the Mercury, go play somewhere else. We've got a sold out Jonas Brothers show. Because they'll scream you hate women. Instead of just going, yeah, that's probably a better decision. Business decision on this is to go to the Jonas Brothers Sunday and then have the WNBA play that game on a neutral site. We got a couple other places you can play down at the Coliseum.

[Brady]

If they play the game, play Aquanus park and still have enough time.

[John Holmberg]

Well, that's what I said too. Yeah. Can't we just, just build it real fast after the Mercury Leaf or just leave everything set up for the Jonas Brothers and put the court or play on the practice court and just let.

[Brett]

Everybody in there, just play Aquanus Park. Nobody's gonna be a packed house in there.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Oh, really? Well, they don't have that room anymore. I'm talking about the one up there on 44th Street. They don't have the practice facility anymore. It's a big bar now. It's a nightclub. The old practice room. It's awesome. It's the Annexus Lounge. It's pretty, pretty amazing. So. But you. Yeah. Go up to that thing on 44th and Camelback. There's their 5G T mobile, whatever they call that center, the Verizon Mobile Center. And they have their practice load up the ladies in there and have their game there. Because you're taking money, especially now that tips are no longer taxable. You're taking money out of people who would love to see the Jonas Brothers in that sellout crowd Sunday. People are like, oh, Jonas Brothers are just for kids. No, no, no, no. You forget the Jonas Brothers been around for like 20 years now. Their fans are 35 year old women. That's like when the new kids on the block come to town, everybody's like, ugh, it's a bunch of 50 year old broads trying to relive it. The alcohol sales are through the moon. So poor Sherry, my friend Sherry has to sit there and sell nothing to a crowd of angry lesbians. And it's, like, half full because we have to appease the WNBA and their fragile egos and emotions by not saying, you're not bigger than the Jonas Brothers. You guys find another place to play. So the Jonas Brothers have to move. Holmberg's morning sickness, and I don't think that's fair. I think that's bad news. So if they do. If they do, they're gonna play. The Jonas Brothers are gonna have their show Monday. The packed house will be Monday.

[Brady]

They will stick around.

[John Holmberg]

Well, they got a show on Tuesday, I think, in, like, Anaheim or Albuquerque or something close. And so they're like. Well, and I know artists don't like singing two nights in a row. That's for sure.

[Brady]

No night in between.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. So they like a nice break between a big show. They can do it, but, you know, it's straining and it messes things up. So if I'm the Jonas Brothers, I'm like, we're getting bumped by the WNBA. Cancel the show. Oh, yeah. And watch. Watch the PHX arena go. Yeah. We can't have the. This 5,000 seat. Close the upper deck playoff game between the Links and the Mercury. Well, we've got a packed house of broads going through their first divorce, remembering what it was like when they were relevant, watching the Jonas Brothers sing to him again.

[Brady]

They don't sell that much flannel Mercury wear to make up for the Jonas Brothers.

[John Holmberg]

Well, they don't even open the upper deck. And then they might for a playoff game and pretend. But they still put the. They black out half of them.

[Brett]

It's gonna be like baseball during COVID They have the cardboard cutouts in the upper deck.

[John Holmberg]

They might do that. Look at this crowd. And it would just be a bunch of, you know, people look like John Goodman from Big Lebowski, except women with yellow lens glasses. Yeah, they got the yellow lens glasses. I mean, that's the lesbian attire John Goodman wore. What? Lesbians watched the Big Lebowski different than us. We're having a good time. And they're like, I like his look. And then they went out immediately. Got, I want the Goodman from Lebowski. And where do we get those? Shooting glass. Hey, man, you look like a giant lesbian, man. That's right, Donnie. Anyway, so a terrible, terrible, terrible marketing decision by the people who run the PHX arena just to not make the women mad and that's essentially what this is. Women want equality, then be better down in this. I'm talking about the Mercury. You want to be like, consider. They realize this Jonas Brothers is a bigger draw than us. We can't do this. They remember when they used to do that though, when the Suns had a game and then they. I remember they had a. The Suns had a preseason game that's coming up again. They got another one like a week, but they got a preseason game and the Mercury in the playoffs. And they're like, nah, we're going to put the Sun's preseason game here. And so they're like, oh, that's garbage. And they threw a big baby fit and started to cry and the Suns caved. And the preseason game was like at 3 o' clock and they had to play on the Mercury's floor. All right, so they played the Lakers. I went to that day, they played the lakers at like 3:30 in the afternoon. And everybody was just in there going. And you went up to like the spinatos and the beer and like, this sucks. We'd be making a fortune if this was. Switch it back. Let the Mercury play in the daytime. Same crowd. Pathetic. Go Merc. I actually kind of hope the Mercury win the championship.

[Brady]

Did they win last night? I didn't.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, they did. They were down 20 and came back. Cause the other team was a bunch of girls. You can beat them anytime. Eventually it's gonna start sucking. I hope they win it. So the parade is embarrassing again. I do. Like when they have. They try to do what the men do and have like some meaningful championship parade. And usually it just kind of is just a bus driving around with a bunch of broads standing on top of it for passersby.

[Brady]

This year, if I get it, it'll be. It's good. It ends at title nine.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah. No, they definitely have a location at the end. I wouldn't drive them around the city though. Chicago did it. It was embarrassing. Yeah, remember that? They had a honk to get people's attention. They're just walking to work like, oh, what's that?

[Brett]

What's going with that double decker bus?

[John Holmberg]

All right. Bus full of lesbians just honked at me. Oh, they're the world champions of lesbianism. No, no, it's basketball. That's what I meant. Anyway, congratulations wnba, for yet again acting like you want to be as tough as everybody else and then throwing a baby fit.

[Katie Hobbs]

When that's our arena, we get to play there.

[John Holmberg]

It's business. This with the Jonas Brothers back Who'd have ever guessed that I'd have been standing here going, get that Jonas Brothers concert exactly as it's scheduled. This is important.

[Katie Hobbs]

We're playing the Links on Sunday.

[John Holmberg]

Folded arms, looking all right. Don't piss them off. They get so loud and then they're going to call us misogynists and everything else and just let them play. Yep, we'll move the Jonas Brothers to Monday. This.

[Brady]

It was a tough situation. They would have never lived it down.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, imagine how loud they'd have been if they're like, you're gonna go play somewhere else. We're putting the Jonas Brothers.

[Katie Hobbs]

That's our game and it's on tv.

[John Holmberg]

It's not really on tv. We have cameras, but nobody's watching. If you want to go play at the. We got the desert diamond thing.

[Katie Hobbs]

I can't have basketball out there.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, they can. We can put a court down pretty much anywhere. How about the. The Mullet?

[Brady]

Perfect.

[John Holmberg]

That's where a lot of the WN.

[Brett]

It's not big enough for the WN playoff.

[John Holmberg]

Wait a minute. 6,000 people? Yeah. What about all the people already boug their tickets?

[Brett]

It might sell out.

[John Holmberg]

I bought tickets for that. All right, here's your $8 back. Go buy a new one at the Mullet Arena. Plenty of seats available. Name two players. N. I rest my case. You lost Sophie Cunningham. You lost the whole draw. It's over. That's just a joke. Makes me halfway. Want to buy a Jonas Brothers ticket? Put a sign. I go to the game Sunday, like with my Jonas Brothers sign, like, where the hell is Where's Nick? Some of you look like Jonas Brothers, but where's Nick? Where's Nick? The opening act. Make him the opening act. That'd be kind of neat. Nobody's ever tried that. The wnba. Yeah. The Mercury would be an opening act. And then the Jonas Brothers play after.

[Brady]

About a two hour halftime.

[John Holmberg]

Not a bad idea there. Roll out the Jonas Brothers, change out the tickets, have everybody waiting, like, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry. Get to your seat. And then have the lesbians go stand outside, buy beer. That way Sherry makes all her money and everybody else at the vendors make their cash. And then when the Jonas Brothers like, thanks, folks. Just clear the stage and get that girl basketball going again for no one to care about.

[Brady]

Amazing. If you even got the Jonas Brothers, you added them into the game.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah. If they could play. I bet you they're pretty good. I bet you they. You know, here's what I would guess hadn't played a day the Jonas Brothers. One of the three Jonas Brothers would be the leading scorer. If they. If it was in the game at the end of the night, you'd be like, wow, nick Jonas scored 27 points. Like, I almost guarantee you that if one of the Jonas Brothers said, we're still coming Sunday and we'll just combo up a couple songs and we'll play, it would be like a. When the Globe Trotters went to Gilligan's island in the cartoon or Scooby Doo, and they would play his songs and then suddenly be playing basketball and playing a song. I would venture to guess if all three Jonas Brothers just added themselves to the Mercury roster. They would start first off, and they would also. One of the three of them would have 27 points. I don't know which one. I don't know which one's good at basketball, but they look pretty athletic. I would guess if they weren't the leading scorer, they would. They would be in the top three of the game. And that's having not played or practiced with anybody at all. Guarantee it.

[Brady]

So. Yeah, I forgot. So Nick Jonas.

[John Holmberg]

Joe Jonas Joe is one of them. He was married to the girl of the other Jonas Brother. It's Placido Domingo, I think, is hitting the third. He's the third tenor. Yeah. What is the third one's name? There's Nick Joe and, like, Tommy.

[Brady]

Oh, it's gotta be.

[John Holmberg]

What's Tommy Jones? Tommy Lee Jones. We're out here doing our songs. Tommy Lee Jonas and the gang. I like to thank the Mercury for letting us have this halftime special. I'm Tommy Lee Jonas. Kevin. Right? Kevin. Kevin Jonas. He the one with the floppy afro.

[Brady]

Kj.

[John Holmberg]

Okay. Don't make it cute.

[Brett]

There we go.

[John Holmberg]

Okay. And even KJo, the forgotten Jonas brother, he would. He'd score 27. He'd be put. He did four block shots, 27 points and, like, nine rebounds. And that would be like. And also perform a hell of a show right after. I guarantee it. That's what they're really worried about. WNBA putting their foot down. And we're like, all right. Yeah. It's really hard to watch sportscasters try to act like they're interested. You see, when Scott Van Pelt's like, wnba playoff. You know, it's just eating him alive that he's got to lend some credibility to that thing and pretend like everybody's interested. No one cares. They don't do soccer highlights that often on SportsCenter because they know America doesn't care. WNB. They have to. They hear about It. They get nagged into it. It's actually women. Nagging has made the WNBA something.

[Katie Hobbs]

If you don't talk about it, you hate women. Well, tell your wife.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, great.

[Katie Hobbs]

Either talk about us or you're a misogynist.

[John Holmberg]

All right. The Links beat the sky. The two dumbest names in basketball history. And we got a couple dumb NBA names, too. The heat is not exactly. What was the other option? The humid, I wonder. The heat. That's a terrible basketball. Anyway, that's the thing. F. The WNBA costed my chance to have Priyanka Chopra in town. That's that hot billionaire Indian that one of them's married to. That's right. I don't know. I haven't been keeping up with the jungle.

[Brady]

The other one, lost chick from Game of Thrones.

[John Holmberg]

I had a dream about Priyanka Chopra last night. Brady, as one of the forgotten Jonas Brothers. Tommy. I'm Tommy Jonas. Two, three, four. Anyway, Brett, what do you got on the big board of Musical Treats? Hopefully the Jonas brothers make an appearance.

[Brett]

No, they didn't. But Wake up. Song brought to you by Action Ride Shop. Since pornhub's blocked for some of you guys, well, why not get out and get some exercise? Hit the bikes, get the trails going.

[John Holmberg]

All right. Sorry. Scott Haynes just said, hey, you got that new lighted court in your yard. You have 25 chairs. Just have it at your house. I'm like, yeah, yeah. I think people would appreciate the WNBA on a half court. I think it would be better pool party afterwards. I got the new lights up. Oh, but during. Yeah, we've got a pool. It's like the Diamondbacks game.

[Brett]

Want to see them broads in the pool?

[John Holmberg]

Letting them in. I'll be in the pool. Yeah. They're not getting in my pool.

[Brady]

No select season tickets.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, man, that is the rah rah room of my house. You're not getting in that pool unless I approve you.

[Brett]

So I hit the trails this weekend since you can't get on pornhub. And the best way to do that is to head on over to Action Ride Shop, pick yourself up a brand new bike. They got tons of stuff on sale, including some of their demos. And if you're not sure you want to jump on it, they got. They got a rental fleet there for you. And if you got the old bike in the garage, whether you bought it there or not, they can get it up and running for you. Best wrenches in town are at Action Ride Shop in both locations, as a matter of fact. Gilbert Road and Southern Eog and of course the brand new location there at power Road and McDowell. It is action Ride Shop. On the list, Slipknot, Wait and Bleed because apparently it's clown's birthday today. Oh, Aerosmith. Dude looks like a lady. For Kimmel. See there. God Smack. Crying like a. This one came through a million times. For Camel.

[John Holmberg]

Hell yeah.

[Brett]

I don't care anymore. For Kimmel, Metallica, System of A Down, Demon Hunter, Bullet for My Valentine, Limp Biscuit, Seven Dust and Pantera. Mouth for War. For the Pantera band or the pornhub band.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, they banned Pantera too.

[Brett]

Yeah, no kidding.

[John Holmberg]

How about that? Somebody just aied Nick Jonas dunking on one of the. One of the girls. I'm telling you right now, one of the Jonas Brothers leads in scoring in that game. And it would drive them nuts that that's the case. Let the Jonas Brothers play Sunday. Let him play basketball. I'd go to that. I'd go to that.

[Brady]

I'm pretty sure they do. I think I've.

[John Holmberg]

Oh yeah, they're rocking jocks and stuff like that. Sure, but I'm just left. They were supposed to play on Sunday. Let's combo up the two events. Let the Jonas Brothers take 10 minutes and they wouldn't have to play very long. Play for a half, you'd score 20 something points. One of the Jonas Brothers just on speed and size.

[Brady]

Maybe they'll come into town, you know, on Sunday. They already plan. Wouldn't it be great play at halftime too?

[John Holmberg]

I would. They would never take it up. I've tried it. I've tried to ask the WNBA let me put together a team of 8th and 9th graders to challenge your world champion. No. You're a jerk. Mike. We both know why you're saying no. We don't need to prove anything. That would prove a lot. It would also kind of screw you. We're not the same, okay? Well then stop trying to be the same. Jonas Brothers are here Sunday. Cancel your game. Let's do. Well, crying like a seems to be the. That was.

[Brett]

That was the most burying our text message.

[John Holmberg]

That's a Jimmy Kimmel special for last night and we're back to being normal in society again. The door has closed. The chapter is finished. Nobody cares about Jimmy Kimmel again. Starting now. The way it's been for 25 years. Glorious. And he went on TV and cried last night because he's some sort of warrior for free speech. I don't know what that was. It's God's match. It's Godsmack. It's crying Like a bitch. It's 98. It's not weird.

[Brady]

It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fee.

[John Holmberg]

I have heard enough of this. Morning sickness. The old method of treatment for a person in this condition was to throw him in jail. Something in my teeth.

[Brady]

Nothing a little Waterloo can't fix.

[John Holmberg]

Professional broadcaster. 100 out of 100 on the yucca app. That Waterloo, big fan. Got a guy who emailed me and said, all right, I downloaded the stupid Yucca app. App. Because the six things I do every morning were all bad. Everything you do is bad on the Yucca app. It really learns you that you're. You know, everybody said those last five pounds are the toughest to lose. No, it's what you're. It's you. It's you thinking that what you're eating is organic, healthy. Nonsense. Yucca teaches you if it comes from the ground or grows off a tree, it's good for you. And if it's just water, just drink water and eat. Eat grass. That's.

[Brady]

That's like a lot of people would.

[Brett]

Get salads, but then they put all.

[John Holmberg]

That dressing and salads or cheese, candy bars.

[Brady]

Cream is a tough sell, right? Anything good that's like cream based or cream cheese, all that you want, you. There's not a product on there that says excellent.

[John Holmberg]

Oh no, you got to get it. You can't eat it. If you're trying to be good and you're truly trying to do it. That cream is like the word shouldn't even come out of your mouth. Mouth. You're not getting any healthy creams. Grass and water. It's the only way to make it right. And who wants that?

[Brady]

What surprised me was whole milk.

[John Holmberg]

What about that? It gets a garbage rating.

[Brady]

Excellent.

[John Holmberg]

No, it does. Yeah.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

It's natural. It's good fat.

[Brady]

85.

[John Holmberg]

It's like peanuts. It's like good fat. Good this because there's know the big thing that that yucca thing gets is additives and the preservatives and nonsense we put into stuff. It's the man made additions.

[Brady]

Yep.

[John Holmberg]

Milk comes out of a cow's can. Not that way. That would be awesome. Chocolate milk. I guess that's. But yeah, the Yucca app will ruin your life, but it actually is very healthy.

[Brady]

Go to a wormhole, it's awful foods.

[John Holmberg]

And you know what's funny? It's my buddy Chris told me about. It was like a three fingered monkey paw he gave me. When I give you this, it will also ruin your life. What? It will grant your wishes and give you everything you've ever wanted, but it will also ruin your life. It's just an app, man. Big deal. I find it. What? Oh my God. I found out. I might as well just go outside and just.

[Brady]

How have I lived this long?

[John Holmberg]

Just eat some dirt and then everything you look at should just have a skull and crossbones on. When you look around, you realize why everybody is fat. Yuck App lets you know immediately when you deal with realism and you don't make excuses, that thing kicks your ass. It's time now for you guys to hear all the news that only Brady knows. We call this the Brady Report and it's brought to you by our friends at All Pro Shade TV on the back patio is going to become a huge thing in this city. We've got indoor outdoor living and if you've got a patio that's on your on your wish list and you want to put a TV and a little living room out there, it's a huge thing with new homes and they basically build an outdoor space for you to have. You gotta get shade or your TV's useless and you're just gonna be sitting in the sun. So if you've got an area that gets too much sun that you'd be using more, all Pro Shade can fix that. And they'll do it in a way that beautifies the area, doesn't just add some giant thing to the side of your house like old awnings used to do. These are beautiful and they're electronic, they've got sensors on em. They've got all sorts of technology and they'll make it look good and add value to your house. AllProchade.com They've been around for a long time because they know what they're doing. Now let them do it to you. All Pro Shade Brady Report it.

[Brady]

Good Wednesday morning to you, Phoenix. Hello world.

[John Holmberg]

Hi.

[Brady]

Happy National Punctuation Day.

[John Holmberg]

Or Happy National Punctuation Day.

[Brady]

National Horchata Day.

[John Holmberg]

National Punctuation Day. I'm changing all the punctuation National Punctuation Day. An ellipse sepsis for no reason.

[Brady]

Excellent. Not really a couple of basis fun facts there are. At least I think we've done this one before. But just going over it again. There are at least three animals that have sex for pleasure and not just to reproduce. Humans, bonobos and dolphins.

[John Holmberg]

Huh? That's it. We're the only ones that do it for fun.

[Brady]

Well, I'm sure they'll discover another one eventually, but they're saying at least three these Are the three that we know.

[John Holmberg]

Of that are just, you know, randy and amorous and goofing around. Go at a little time on the weekend.

[Brady]

Jay Moore used to have one of his comedy routines. Talked about when he went on his honeymoon and got.

[John Holmberg]

The dolphin tried to rape him. Yeah, that's an awesome one.

[Brady]

They warned him, do not touch this area.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, he rubbed the dolphin's thing and it got on him.

[Brady]

Grimace was originally evil. In 1971 he was called Evil Grimace and his goal was to steal milkshakes. But by 1972 turned him into a purple monster who's a good guy and not very bright. Did some electrotherapy on him.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, like they did to your grandma. Yeah, they shocked him into submission and made him one of the.

[Brett]

It was a dope at the end.

[John Holmberg]

Ronald. Ronald ran a tight ship there. So you're not gonna. You're gonna. Hey, step into my office there, fat ass. You're messing stuff up.

[Brady]

Drill some holes.

[John Holmberg]

Get this goddamn Hamburg running around. That's bad enough. I don't need you mucking about stomping on the fry guys. So put this in your mouth and we're gonna electrify your brain. You're gonna come back dumb and nice.

[Brady]

Based on the average life expectancy in the U.S. if you're 18 years old, you only have about 3,160 weekends left in your life.

[John Holmberg]

Wait, say it again. How old am I?

[Brady]

18.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, okay.

[Brady]

3160 weekends.

[John Holmberg]

That's pretty good.

[Brady]

In your life, if you're 40, you only have 2015.

[John Holmberg]

Go on.

[Brady]

That's all the stuff.

[John Holmberg]

So how many from 18 to 40? You still have 2,000 left at.

[Brady]

You have 2015 left at the age of 40.

[John Holmberg]

So you burn through a thousand every 20 years.

[Brady]

Basically, I think it's like 78 years old. That would be. It's 28 years. Or 38 years when you're 40. Wow. That's 38 years of weekends.

[John Holmberg]

That can't be right, Brady.

[Brady]

I gotta phrase it right, right. If it's 2015 weeks left.

[John Holmberg]

How you doing, Brad? Everything good? Get a pen and paper.

[Brady]

Yeah, based upon seven day week weekends, that's. That's 38 years.

[John Holmberg]

If you're 40, you have 38 years of weekends.

[Brady]

Yeah, Brady, I did. I. Based on 38 years of.

[John Holmberg]

How do you have 38 years of weekends?

[Brady]

40 on seven. I'm just basing on seven days. You have 38 weeks. Or 38 years of weeks. Geez, you guys are throwing me.

[John Holmberg]

We're not growing. Come. We didn't say, hey, here's an equation you should work out. You started throwing numbers at us.

[Brady]

So if you live to 75.

[John Holmberg]

No, no, don't do this.

[Brady]

You have 15. I just did the calculation. Thanks, Gemini.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Brady]

783 weekends left.

[John Holmberg]

You have. If you live to be 75.

[Brady]

If he lives to be 75, he's got 783 weekends left.

[John Holmberg]

Brady has 783 weekends left if he lives another 14 years.

[Brady]

50. If he lives to 75.

[John Holmberg]

Okay. For 15 years. Yeah, but he thinks that he has 38 years of weekends if he's 40.

[Brady]

No, I meant weeks. They're saying weekends. I was basing it when I was saying, if you're 40, you have less.

[John Holmberg]

Than a year's worth of weekends left. If you're 40.

[Brady]

That I don't understand.

[John Holmberg]

That's what you said. Welcome to the club. Yeah, yeah, exactly. I'm doing your math. Math.

[Brady]

Okay.

[John Holmberg]

You said you've got 38 weeks of weekends remaining if you're 40. That's what you said.

[Brady]

If you're 40, you have 38 years of weekends.

[John Holmberg]

It cannot be because that would. Then you're 78 years old of weekends. What are you doing with the rest of weeks? That means you'd also have 38.

[Brady]

Well, it's 38 years left of. Of. So. So I took 38.

[John Holmberg]

So you're gonna live times seven. No, no, but you're gonna be seven.

[Brady]

Then divided it by 365. Basically, it comes out to 38 years.

[John Holmberg]

You have.

[Brady]

So you have 38 years, 15 weeks times seven.

[John Holmberg]

Okay. No, no, don't do that. Because you're.

[Brady]

That's what I did. And it was.

[John Holmberg]

But you only have 38 years total left.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

What are you saying?

[Brady]

If I had. I understand what you're saying. As far as saying how many weekends is that?

[John Holmberg]

If I'm 40s. If I'm 40. 40.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And I've got 38 years left. I don't have 38 years of weekends. I have 38 years.

[Brady]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

Right.

[Brady]

What's.

[Brett]

Is he doing.

[John Holmberg]

That's it. Yeah. Checking with him. Yeah.

[Brady]

So you'd want to know how many.

[John Holmberg]

How many weekends are in 38 years?

[Brady]

That's what you're saying, or I had 700.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's the. What you're trying to say is how many weekends are in 38 years?

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Okay. And no one knows. It's an impossible equation I have.

[Brady]

I think that's why I just went seven days.

[John Holmberg]

But you. But then you came up with 38 years of weekends, which would mean you have over 70 years of weeks left, which means you're going to live to be 160.

[Brett]

It's pretty impressive.

[John Holmberg]

That would be pretty good in Brady's world. I'm not going to live through this show. If you keep this up, you're certainly not going to make it. Toledo. How many weeks.

[Brady]

How would you.

[John Holmberg]

First years. How would I phrase it? I wouldn't.

[Brady]

If you had 38 years left, enjoy those 38. Your weekends of 38 years.

[John Holmberg]

But you don't have 38 years of just weekends. You have 38 years.

[Brady]

Right? I.

[John Holmberg]

How many. You're trying to say.

[Brady]

I know what.

[John Holmberg]

How many weekends are in 38 years? 1982. There you go. You have 1980 weekends left.

[Brady]

Which is how many years.

[John Holmberg]

No, no, it is. Years are different than weekends, though. That's. They're. You're.

[Brady]

How many week.

[John Holmberg]

If you had 1938 weekends, that's.

[Brady]

How many years is that?

[John Holmberg]

We're not trying to figure that out. If we already know we have 38 years left, there's no reason for it. 38. That's what. That's. Yeah. You can't. No, we knew the 38. You're trying to get back to the thing we already knew. If you. If you're telling me I've only got 38 years left. I have 19.

[Brady]

Enjoy your weekend.

[John Holmberg]

I have 1900 some weekends remaining. That's all. Jesus Christ. Holmberg's morning sickness. Holy smokes, man. You've got one weekend.

[Brady]

Enjoy your weekends of the 38 years.

[Brett]

I hope I only have one weekend.

[John Holmberg]

Enjoy your last 38 years.

[Brady]

The next survey someone asked is, is it rude to say yeah instead of yes?

[John Holmberg]

Some people hate that 5%. Yeah. Some people get weird about. Yeah.

[Brady]

95%. Same. Yeah. It's okay. Here's some dating tips from 2,000 years ago ago.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

Someone found this poet in ancient Rome named Ovid.

[John Holmberg]

Two thousand years ago, you just grabbed her by the head and drug her around. There were no grab your club and knock her over eating tips. Yeah. Jesus. Day Court a girl.

[Brady]

They weren't clubbing.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, they weren't clubbing. Women didn't have any rights, right? They didn't have any rights. You picked one. You grabbed her.

[Brady]

Well, this is what open had to say.

[John Holmberg]

All right.

[Brady]

Ovid told men they shouldn't expect their soulmate to just magically appear. You have to put yourself out there. She will not come floating down to you through a. Through air. You got to go out and seek them.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. You got to leave the House. You got to go to the bars, hit some ladies.

[Brady]

You probably. The. The second advice is you probably won't find them at a bar.

[John Holmberg]

Well, they weren't allowed.

[Brady]

You won't choose the right person if you're drunk. That was the advice.

[John Holmberg]

They weren't allowed to go to places without a guy.

[Brett]

Some 2am cows are there.

[John Holmberg]

They're still there. Well, I don't know if they had 2am cows in Jesus's day, but had to. Oh, all of them were stinking.

[Brady]

They partied.

[John Holmberg]

They partied, but they weren't allowed in bars without a guy. So you're wasting your time going to a bar. There wasn't ladies nights back then. Those were. They'd get stoned to death if they screwed up.

[Brady]

Most bars it seemed like. At least it was in Pompeii. They're just on the side of the road.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you're talking about Rome and two. 2,000 years ago.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

So they were still like making ladies walk around the outside of the city every time they had their menstrual cycle.

[Brady]

I'm not sure about that, but it.

[John Holmberg]

Was the Old Testament stuff they had that the new one hadn't come up yet. 2000 years ago. They didn't get that. They didn't get to that for a couple hundred years. So those ladies were getting stoned to death on the reg.

[Brady]

Yeah, but I don't know if that was a Roman deal.

[John Holmberg]

I'm pretty sure that they were.

[Brady]

I thought that was.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know that they had super. Yeah, they didn't have super advanced bras in Rome at 2000 years ago. Like ladies that had jobs and stuff and CEOs. It wasn't happening.

[Brady]

Third piece of advice is don't look like a slob.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

Clean yourself up, get some new sandals, nice robe.

[John Holmberg]

Head over to the sandal shop, get those things fixed, new flow hose, you.

[Brett]

Know, you'll be fine.

[John Holmberg]

And then go beat the tar. The first woman that you like, drag her back to your house and make her your slave.

[Brady]

His. His main thing on the slope. Bob, hollow your nostrils, huh? Clear the bears.

[John Holmberg]

No more boogers hanging out your nose. Hollow the Nostrils is a good band name, especially if you put a comma hollow the nostrils. It's like two people hollow and the nostrils start a band today, you've only got 38 weekends left.

[Brady]

J.D.

[John Holmberg]

Power. No, no, that's different.

[Brady]

That's 38. Here we go.

[John Holmberg]

38 years of weekends. Just think about what that we were saying.

[Brady]

I did. I like it.

[John Holmberg]

You're the only One.

[Brady]

On Monday morning, a doordash driver alerted police after making a very strange delivery to a motel in Sweetwater, Texas. The complete list of items hasn't been released, but word has it the delivery included trash bags, zip ties, bleach, a hatchet and more. Police say a 42 year old man named Neil Cooper placed an order on doordash for these kidnapping and murder tools. When the cops showed up at the motel room, Neil refused to leave and warned the officers he was armed. Cops forced their way in and found a hostage inside. The hostage was rescued but was later arrested on an outstanding warrant. There's no word on the their identity, but it sounds like the warrant was drug related.

[John Holmberg]

Kidnapped and they have a warning.

[Brady]

Neil was arrested for aggravated kidnapping. There may be additional charges. It's unclear what he planned to do with the victim.

[John Holmberg]

Killer.

[Brady]

It sounds like you owe them money.

[John Holmberg]

You either escape or you die. They never let you go.

[Brady]

A lot of people praise the driver for sure.

[John Holmberg]

Good work.

[Brady]

Never. That's why that whole high survived show exists.

[John Holmberg]

And they escaped. Yeah. Very rarely is he like off you go. I've never seen an I survived end with, well, I'm done here. We have any questions?

[Brady]

Enjoy your day.

[John Holmberg]

Off you go. There's the door. Never happened. Happens they have to escape or somebody shoots them or they kill themselves. It gets even more grizzly.

[Brady]

Yikes.

[John Holmberg]

Very rarely is like, let me get your keys and here's your wallet. You can go now. I survived scares me sometimes. I was watching that the other night. It was up late and they have that whole channel now. If I survived. And I've seen a few of them, but lady's just sitting in her house and she heard a rattle.

[Brady]

Wait a minute. There's so much that they can occupy 24 hours.

[John Holmberg]

You rarely see double digits. Downs. Wow. So like she got up to go.

[Brady]

I think people are trying to get on that.

[John Holmberg]

You think so? Yeah.

[Brady]

That's how they make their way. Yeah, they keep the episodes rolling.

[John Holmberg]

You think that's their star turn? That's their goal.

[Brady]

To go viral.

[John Holmberg]

I'm gonna be a star.

[Katie Hobbs]

I have no skills in acting.

[John Holmberg]

If only someone would violently rape and beat me and then leave me to tell a tale. And they do. One dude had the other day I was watching and he's a tow truck operator. And he got called to a car on the side of the road in a dark road. And he slipped and the. The hook, the line wrapped around his neck twice. And the hook went in.

[Brady]

Oh.

[John Holmberg]

Into his neck.

[Brady]

And he survived.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And it ripped his jugular open. He's holding it. And he calls the. He called his wife first. She ain't doing nothing. Call the police. And he calls the police and. Or the ambulance. And she's like, you have a. She thought it was like a fishing hook. So. Lady. And I was like, sorry, can you get the hook out? Goes, I don't think you understand. It's a big hook. And she goes, I don't. And he could barely. What's going on? Gets there. And then they had pictures of it. And you've seen a tow hook.

[Brady]

Oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

This thing is huge. And it's just sitting in his neck all the way across. He's just staring at the camera like, I can't believe. Ligature marks from the. The cable man. And I'm like, oh. And all. I think. I don't remember if it snapped or if he fell or whatever. Just went right around his neck and dug in.

[Brady]

Well, we have another survive episode. This bizarre traffic accident happened in China, the city of Changdu. This guy was on an electric scooter and he ran into a temporary traffic light and got his head stuck in the traffic light.

[Brett]

Oh, man.

[Brady]

Firefighters were called to the scene to get him out. It's like a little. He looks like. So he popped the pole out and the head stuck.

[John Holmberg]

He looks like Daft Punk or Dead Mouse. He's just wearing a traffic light as a head. He could be a club DJ looking like that. That's hard to do.

[Brady]

This was pretty cool. This happened in Little Falls, New Jersey.

[John Holmberg]

Mouse. It's. It's Dead Mouse. It's almost perfect. It. It didn't dent or anything. No.

[Brady]

Last weekend, 2,358 people paired off on the field of the Yogi Berra Stadium to play catch. Set a Guinness World Record.

[John Holmberg]

Where's that?

[Brady]

Little Falls, New Jersey.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Brady]

It's the largest game of catch Catch.

[John Holmberg]

In the history of catch.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

At the end, everyone was like, that was not worth it.

[Brady]

So if you can come up with. Well, that's a total of 1179 pairs of people.

[John Holmberg]

Don't start doing math again.

[Brady]

That's 38 years of people.

[John Holmberg]

That's over 38 years of people.

[Brett]

Or the drink on Liquid Death, too.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

What's that stuff called?

[John Holmberg]

Now I have to hear that. I'm getting it. There it is. This is Brady's great storytelling skills.

[Brady]

A couple days, liquid death produced 11 packs of. What's it called? Liquid Death.

[John Holmberg]

You're a gem. There can only be one. Thank God for that. I just talked to Brady's mom, she just guzzled Tylenol like crazy when she was pregnant. And I told you. Got a couple of Brady videos.

[Brady]

First one's a fitness star. I don't know about star.

[John Holmberg]

But you said trying to go viral. Who's arguing with you? Making a real fight with yourself.

[Brady]

I think she has. Has a decent amount of followers.

[John Holmberg]

He just made that up because you called. All right, she's got. No, she's a fitness lady.

[Brady]

He's got 263,000. So he's not.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, but he made it up. I mean, he. He called her a star. Then he said, I don't know if she's a star. And then he backed. Then he just made something up. She is a monster of a. Of a woman with gigantic fake cans. What's her name?

[Brady]

Barbara Carita.

[John Holmberg]

Nothing's gonna happen here. We're just looking at an ugly person. Yeah, that's right.

[Brett]

Steven Tyler would fake his freaks are.

[John Holmberg]

Going the other way.

[Brady]

I knew what was going on there. The freaks are.

[John Holmberg]

You just have a fetish. You have a freak fetish. You don't really. Nothing has to happen in the video so long as the God's mistake is talking. God's mistakes breathing. Neato. I'm gonna share this with a boy. All right, go ahead.

[Brady]

This is a pretty good police takedown here.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, this guy running from the cops. Got his handcuffs on. Oh, he pushed him off into a brick house, back of the chimney. And I mean, this guy gets up pretty good. I got to tell you, he was done. While he's running, he's running directly into that house. Whether that guy pushes him or not.

[Brady]

Still trying to trip and kick.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, he's not done yet. I don't know what his next move was going to be when the house showed up. Up. Right. But the cop had an easy push. When you look at it, that was going to happen if he pushed him or not. When this starts over, watch this dude still fight. Yeah, but tell me where he's going. Yeah, he's still got a lot of fight left in him. That's that damn PCP that he's got.

[Brady]

To be because he slammed.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, they've got his legs folded. That's a good move right there. Those back legs. He's gotten three.

[Brady]

He's got one shoe.

[John Holmberg]

Look how strong he is. And he's skinny. This is definitely drug related strength. I watched a dude get pit maneuvered on OP Live the other night. Didn't pull over for a car. A cop he's driving, putting him in a Pig drives about six miles, gets pit maneuvered. And then he goes, what I do? I didn't see your lights. He's like pit maneuvered unicoes. I didn't know I was getting pulled over like I pitted you. Why you got to do all that extra. Like once I put. I didn't see no reds and blues. You got to give me that. It's like you pulled over once, then you drove away again. I didn't know that was. I didn't know that's what you wanted. When I was. When I was hitting your car and pushing in the side of the freeway, were you thinking, am I being pulled over? Why you gotta be all. Why you gotta do all this extra. I didn't do nothing. Like, you've been running from me for an hour. I didn't do. I didn't know it was you.

[Brady]

Then the cop said, I run this.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, well, that's it then. Say that. And when he started to run away, he was running directly into that home anyway. By the way, that's a nice neighborhood. That's a beautiful brick home he runs into. I really like old style brick. Tutors like that. Pretty good stuff. Do we know what he did? I mean, here he goes. Here's the beginning. And look at him running. Tell me what his next move is. He runs. He's going into that house no matter what. He was catching the corner of that house. Even on his own, he didn't have time to make a right turn there. He was going into that house like, I'm almost home. But he doesn't close. But there was no door or ingress. He was not going in a thing. It was. He was going into the side of that house. No matter. The cop just made it faster.

[Brady]

I've never seen that contraption they put him in. They put him in a suit that, like hog tied.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah, that's pretty awesome. I don't know what they call that, but I've seen those a few times. The spit guard and all that.

[Brady]

Yeah, the last.

[John Holmberg]

You know how hard it is to run with handcuffs too? Maybe that's why you just couldn't make moves. If you try to run with your hands behind your back. Yeah, you're all over the map.

[Brady]

Last one's a guy that's gonna put new shingles on his roof. His cabin outside. So he's bringing up all the.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, he's coming up the stairs with shingles on his shoulder. They're not light. Does the whip. This whole thing's going down. Yep. Oh, my God. He was on the second floor. But that's too much weight. He's putting it all in one spot. And he took down a beautiful deck, which is putting too much weight on it by one.

[Brady]

That's when a six hour job turns into a six hour month project.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, that's horrible.

[Brett]

I'm just torching the house at that point. I'm done.

[John Holmberg]

I'm getting a little insurance lightning going on there. Stupid camera's going to ruin it, though.

[Brady]

That's it.

[John Holmberg]

All right, Brett, what do you got? All right.

[Brett]

Connect this one they sent over just for Brady.

[John Holmberg]

Can we call Brady Pythagoras now? Is that. People want a new nickname for you? Pythagoras Bogan. I tried to fart quietly into a stranger's window while on a walk. This says, and there's just a night vision of a window.

[Brett]

They sent this over for Brady.

[John Holmberg]

Okay. And it's a beard. Oh, my God. I know what's gonna happen here. He's going up to the window to fart, get shot. Well, he's gonna. He's gonna push poop on the window. I bet there's a basement window. So he goes and bends down. There's a family inside. They're just watching tv. And there's a cat looking right at him in the window. And his old man sitting in his chair. Window's open, so the screen's there. Yeah. And the old man sitting in the chair. Is that a woman? That's an old. That's an old widow, I guess. Hello, she says to the fart. Hello.

[Brett]

All right, now let's get to the real stuff here.

[John Holmberg]

Hello. That's how bad aging is. I didn't see the cat react, but that's not important. Come on.

[Brady]

Replay it.

[Katie Hobbs]

Well, yeah, I like to watch him.

[John Holmberg]

I like when I fart on a pussy. It's kind of funny, you know, that.

[Brady]

Cat only has 15 weekends of life.

[Katie Hobbs]

Cats only live to be 19, which.

[John Holmberg]

Is if you're 11.

[Katie Hobbs]

Then they got eight years of weekends.

[John Holmberg]

And then another eight years of weeks, that cat's gonna be a 7,000 year old cat. I'm Pythagoras Bogan divided by seven.

[Katie Hobbs]

Pythagoras Bogan knows all that stuff.

[John Holmberg]

Correct.

[Brady]

12. The 20th biggest hotels in the world.

[John Holmberg]

That's exactly how I do numbers. All right, let's go. All right.

[Brett]

It's FF time.

[John Holmberg]

They call it finger F. Time. Time. I don't know what this is. Oh, my God. What is that? Oh, my God. It's a gigantic rubber finger. This woman Is sitting on this thing is a good.

[Brady]

Is she.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know. That's the one from last week. Okay. Good Christ. Wow. It's two and a half feet at least. And it's just. Well, there. She measures it. Yeah, it goes up to her heart. What's the measurement on that?

[Brett]

It's almost 14 inches.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, that's okay. It's smaller than I thought that. It's thick, though.

[Brett]

But it does go up to her cans.

[John Holmberg]

And she's short because that's a. It's only a foot from her thighs to her chest. Why is she eating that soup that way? All right, all right. Don't show that.

[Brett]

All right, here's an idiot jumping off a roof.

[John Holmberg]

Okay, you can already see where this is. Kid. Gingerhead leaping off the side of.

[Brady]

Been a while.

[John Holmberg]

He's a ginger, though. This is. He's evil. He could live through the. Oh, his foot got tall. He got her. And he landed directly on his head. And he'll never walk again. Oh, man. Yeah, his spine is pointless at this. At this juncture. He's now eating through straws. Oh, my God. That. That was hard to look at. Don't jump off roofs without any confidence. You have to at least commit to it. His foot got stuck in the gutter, flipped him right over, went head first. Oh, oh. Oh, my God. Here's another lady with a. Well. Whoa. There's a corn. A cob in her butt. Yeah, she likes. She's an Indiana gal. All right, he's hitting the corn. They've hollowed out the corn as well. Oh, that's where Joe Pesi got buried in the end of casinos. This cornfield. That's the second worst thing that's happened there.

[Brett]

N. I won't listen.

[John Holmberg]

That one's.

[Brett]

All right, we'll just go for the grand finale.

[John Holmberg]

Or. It's two girls in a car.

[Brett]

Careful when you rent that car.

[John Holmberg]

Passenger, driver. Oh, that's a guy.

[Brett]

Know what happened?

[John Holmberg]

It's a guy with long hair. The girl is in the passenger seat. She's taking off her clothes. She's very pretty. Oh, she's. She's popping her head out of the window, and she's naked. And now she's moving her genitals close to the driver's face. Oh, she's peeing on the driver's face. Oh, there you go. Driver's face. And he's got his mouth open. He's enjoying it while he's driving. I can't text and drive. That's illegal. And these guys are nobody's pulling this over.

[Brady]

That is concentration.

[John Holmberg]

And her head's out out the sunroof. She's standing up and she can't drive her focused. She also drank a gallon of Gatorade. That's an awful lot of urine. Are you? Yeah. Are you kidding me? Okay. That is a classy couple of Americans.

[Katie Hobbs]

Jeez.

[John Holmberg]

There you go.

[Brett]

We'll in there.

[John Holmberg]

All right. Just for Brady sake can we watch the cat's reaction to the fart? Really? Well, I'm kind of curious now that he brought it up. I didn't. I was paying attention too much to the old lady. I like the guy. Sneaks up to the house too. I tried to quietly fart in a stranger's window. Grandma's just down there. She's not running the air cuz it's just now nice out. She's got the screen. There's the cat. Notices the intruder. Lives on kind of a busy road. It sounds like we're bending over into the screen.

[Brady]

Oh, the cat. Okay.

[John Holmberg]

It kind of gets him spooked when grandma spooked. Hello?

[Katie Hobbs]

Hello?

[John Holmberg]

Fart. Hello? Jesus? Jesus?

[Katie Hobbs]

Jesus, are you there?

[John Holmberg]

Wouldn't it be great if Jesus gassed one out? And that's how you knew the last thing you always hear is Jesus's joke. Christ.

[Brady]

The heavenly horn.

[John Holmberg]

That's how helpless you are as an old person. Person. Someone takes a on your house and you say hello. You're so lonely that a fart seems like good company.

[Katie Hobbs]

Hello.

[John Holmberg]

Welcome. I've got wers. Of course you do.

[Katie Hobbs]

Please suck some with me.

[John Holmberg]

That's. I love when grandma says that. Suck this here. Put it in your mouth. Suck it. Hello. If I'm ever so weak and miserable in life that I hear a fart and greet it. Hello. That's the end. That's the last day I want to be on the planet. Lady. I just took a in your house. Hello? Who's there? Are we friends? Friend or foe? Goes back to that who's at my door? Who's friend or foe? Identify yourself. Fuck.

[Katie Hobbs]

I said hello.

[John Holmberg]

Poor old woman. This is when it's all come down. And she was probably just sitting there thinking to herself well Tom's been gone for a while now. And I said hello. Hello Tom. He's back, you see. He visits me in the night. There's a ghastly apparition. Grandma.

[Brady]

It's not real.

[John Holmberg]

Your father came and saw me again last night in the witch window. Oh God. And did what he did to me the last four years of our marriage. He hotboxed me.

[Brady]

I think I heard from him last night.

[John Holmberg]

I bet she was crying. Oh, I remember when he used to hot box me and Dutch oven and. Oh, I miss him so. That was one of your father's farts. I know his brew. Dad, if you're coming back and farting on mom at night, please stop. He's not even dead. They've just been divorced for 20 years. Oh, I miss your father. Used to fart on me.

[Brett]

Sound like Pat McMahon.

[John Holmberg]

Good farts just find me. Oh, I love the fart. She was watching a Matlock with Kathy Bates. Just enjoying Elspeth on cbs. No, no, those are done. That's old. Old people. Elspeth is the new Murder, She Wrote. They love that thing. Csi. Oh, that ncis. That's old people. Heaven. Blue Bloods. Forget it. You can't peel an old person away from Blue Bloods. They see that time. Selleck is still handsome. Hello. Toledo farts every morning. None of us ever go, hello. Greetings, friend.

[Brady]

Has sometimes.

[John Holmberg]

Hello.

[Brady]

Well, the one the other day, I'm like, that was it. I wasn't sure. I was.

[John Holmberg]

It sort of sounded like he was dragging a chair across a cockpit floor.

[Brady]

It was extended.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it was a long one. And I. I greeted it with, geez Louise, what was that? I think Toledo farted. Wow. What did the cat do? I just ran away.

[Katie Hobbs]

Hello?

[John Holmberg]

Hello. Every time you farted, an old lady blasters herself against the window. Hello, friend. Identify yourself.

[Brady]

I noticed the construction crew walking down the. All scattered.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah. They run. Run. Pepper and soap. That's it. There goes your brainy report. It's 98 KUPD. Hello. It's not weird.

[Brady]

It's pretty cool, actually.

[John Holmberg]

No membership fees. I have heard enough of this. Homberg's morning sickness. The old method of treatment for a person in this condition was to throw him in jail. This thing's flying. I have been alerted. I sort of remember this. I'm making fun of the Mercury earlier that I said I actually did. So Toledo has to find this. I don't remember the date. If he doesn't find it, it didn't happen. But, I mean, I'm being told by several of you bastards with, like, these elephant memories that I opened my trap a few months ago and said if the Mercury won a championship, I'd get a mercury tattoo. Now, I did this a couple years ago from the Diamondbacks, where I said if they a certain thing, I would renounce my Cubs fandom. The bastards did it. Then I said, if they won the World Series, I get A tattoo of Brady naked on my chest wearing a Diamondbacks hat. Sons of bitches took it to five. I got a little nervous. They were in that thing for a minute. I was rooting for the Rangers. I'm not gonna lie.

[Brett]

Toledo's trying to mush you too.

[John Holmberg]

How so?

[Brett]

Well, before, when he was all like, oh, you remember?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. So, yeah, you guys are emailing it, and Toledo goes, tattoo for the Mercury. You're safe. That can't happen. I'm like, well, yeah, Toledo might as well just put their name on the engrave it. Let me rent the buses for the parade to nobody. So I suppose we should start talking design. I don't know if I got into that.

[Brett]

No, I don't think so.

[John Holmberg]

I'll have. I'll do this. I'll have John Goodman from the Big Lebowski's face with one of those thought bubbles that say, go Mercury World Champions 2025. And then a little Mercury logo, like. Or he's in a tank Top. Top.

[Brady]

And I'll put that Tausi in the yellow lips.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I can't have. I can't have Diana Tausi in my body. I. I can't, Brittany. I can't. I much rather have the much more attractive John Goodman from the Big Lebowski than either of those two on my body at all. And I mean that. I mean that in real life, physically, I would rather have John Goodman on top of me on my body than I would either of those two. Not even talking about tattoos. I don't remember saying this.

[Brett]

Apparently, it was during the Fireside chats to the guy that was a season ticket holder.

[John Holmberg]

Geez, that was just a couple weeks ago. How did that slip my mind quickly? I don't know what. That's. So, Chris, did I do my. My. My patented date and time when I stamp it?

[Brett]

I don't know.

[John Holmberg]

If I didn't do that. I don't think it holds up legally because normally I'll say, on this day, 9 24, 2025, at 8:51am I'll do that then. Then there's a timestamp and some authenticity. If I just rattle it off. I'm not so sure that's. Boy, oh, boy, I hope they don't win anything. Or I'll just get a giant Mercury Fury tattoo somewhere visible. I'm not gonna grind.

[Brady]

Or the length of your back.

[John Holmberg]

No, I'm not doing any grinders at all. There will be no Grinder Merc. Nope. She's not even on the team, Brady. So we're not.

[Brady]

That's true.

[John Holmberg]

It's funny. If they win the championship the year after the great Taurasi retires, so they have to rename that street after one of the unknown players they have now. Nobody knows them. No one. Women, men, children, nobody. You can't walk. Go up to anybody in your office and go, name three Mercy Mercury. And they're like. I was like, wasn't that the mission current team?

[Brett]

I don't know.

[John Holmberg]

Was it Currently nothing. Buzz Aldrin and no, no, not like those Mercury. Not that. No, not, not NASA, Jim. Level three current Mercury. Whatever level. Aldrin, Armstrong. And there was another guy, Flip Orly. I'm not so sure I remember any of the Mercury. Nobody can name him. No one can name. Name them. I could pick up the phone right now and say, name a Mercury. And people be like, I can't. It would be everyone. And most defensively to them would be the women. They wouldn't know any of it either.

[Brady]

You could call Michelle Tims and ask her to name a Mercury.

[John Holmberg]

She would say herself. Oh, Mercury, mate. I played with a couple of them. I can't remember their names. Thanks, Mrs. Tims. He's not who I identify, but.

[Brett]

All right, let's call Katie KB and see if Izzy knows.

[John Holmberg]

No man. Name five Mercury. In college. We should call Katie kb. Hey, what's going on? Big fan. My name's Louise. Name five Mercury. Let's just random call names that look like lesbian names. Is there a phone book still? And then just ask him, name five Mercury. I'll give you a million dollars. I wonder if we can do that.

[Brady]

We can do that. The old games play Mercury or.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah. Well, I mean that Shane Gillis ruined that. We used to play that game here, but when Shane Gillis announced that the four time All Star that was in the crowd at the ESPYs and they did, the crowd clapped because they didn't want to seem rude. And he goes, that's just my friend's wife. None of you guys know. Yeah, nobody knows a Mercury. Mercury. Porn star and something else. And it was like nobody knew. Nobody got one right. And if they did, it was just a guess. I wonder if we could do that. I wonder if we could Guerrilla market. I've been wanting to do that old school radio stuff for a while. If our phones work, this would be great. I just flip open the phone book, I put my finger on a name, I call that person and I'm like, all right, we got $100,000 for you. Name the starting five of the Mercury right now. You gotta go. You can't look at your phone. You got three seconds to start naming names. No one would get it.

[Brett]

Beth does it with her phone, a friend or whatever that thing is.

[John Holmberg]

It's all fake, though. No. Yeah, yeah. Ours would be real because people would be like, I don't know. And I'm gonna sue you for putting me on the air. Like, all right, have a nice day. Bye. Kb. Never forget. Never, never forget who you're. Oh, no. You have it. All right, go ahead. Where is it? Toledo's got it. This is my proclamation. Does it count? All right, WNBA tattoo. It's just the 12th of September. I did that just a couple weeks ago. I don't remember this at all. How about this? Yeah, Kevin, how about this? If the Mercury win the world championship, you and I go get Mercury tattoos. Oh, I'll do it. Yeah. I have two sleeves. I have all kinds of tattoos, so tattoos are fun. Crying out loud, does that count? Is that a thing? Thing?

[Brady]

Did you say it was kidding at the end of that?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I mean, it wasn't serious, but I did. I'll stand by it. I don't think they'll actually pull this off, but who knows? Those women are so bad at basketball. Anything could happen. I mean, there's no real pick in them. I don't even think they allow you to bet on it in Vegas because they're like, we don't know what's going to happen. They're. They're terrible. Ball goes flying all over the place anyway. Well, if I do have to get a Mercury tattoo, it'll. Ah. This guy said, just get a tattoo of the planet. That would. Now if I. If I sailed, I gotta get it done. And I'll go as far as to say, I'll just put lifelong fan. I'll have that tattooed over it. Where. Where would I have to put this? I'd have to put it in a visible space base next to your heart. Well, God, I have to die with that. I. I get found at wreckage, and that would be the one thing people like. Unidentified body was found at the bottom of Camelback Mountain.

[Brady]

Did have a Mercury tattoo, I think underneath the wrist.

[John Holmberg]

No, People would know the second. I mean, I would never not be identified shaking hands. What's on your wrist there? Lost a bit.

[Brett]

Just pull a flip or do it right on your crank?

[John Holmberg]

No. It'll be the first time a Mercury's seen a crank, though. I would put it on my arm somewhere. Tramp stamp, maybe on my forearm. I Don't. I want it to be so people see it. I don't want to have to. You know, if the joke is out, it's going to be out there and it's going to be all right. I don't really think we have to worry about it. Is there anyone good you could do.

[Brady]

Like an anchor and then the center of the anchor is the. The logo in there. Why Mercury sailor?

[John Holmberg]

What's the matter with you?

[Brady]

People won't question it sometimes.

[John Holmberg]

People would constantly question it.

[Brady]

He's the Navy.

[John Holmberg]

He's in the. In when What? World War II. I don't think. Maybe you guys still do that.

[Brett]

Get a can of Starkist on your.

[John Holmberg]

On your go, Mercury. If that's my only touch again, though I would be. It would be embarrassing on the news if the police want help in anything of identifying this body. It was headless, but it had a Mercury tattoo. And be like, oh, that's Holmberg. He's the only one in the world with one of those. I would be the only person in the world with a Phoenix Mercury tattoo.

[Brett]

Straight male.

[John Holmberg]

I think anybody. I don't even think the lesbians are that committed. We need to go. I don't know. I don't think you've. I don't think they're that committed. That deep down inside they know this business model is not good and it might fold up and the last thing you want is like an Arizona Sting tattoo. Knowing that this thing's going to close up shops someday. I don't think they do it. The first champion the WNBA had four years in a row. They won the championship. Not even a team anymore. The Houston Comets. They were the first ones. They won four in a row. They were like amazing. Couldn't even keep it together long enough to stay afloat. Deep down, the lesbians know not to lifetime commit to the Mercury. Maybe buy a shirt, get one of those henna hemp things, wash it off. But you don't go terms. I'd be the only one. I would be the only one. In fact, show me your mercury, Steve.

[Brady]

Or whoever the guy you said, let's get him together.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, he would have one with me, but I'm never gonna. I'm not seeking him out. If he wants.

[Brady]

Well, then you're out then.

[John Holmberg]

If he's not getting it, nobody cares if he gets it. I'll just show up constantly. He'd show up for it. Sure.

[Brett]

Especially since he's sleeved already.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, we'll just blend in with the rest. But I'm by myself. On the this anyway. Well, not that I have to tell the city to do this, but if you care at all the mercury and nobody's rooting for him anyway, so it doesn't really matter. Yeah, people keep saying that. Dude, the dick tattoo. Why would I put myself through that?

[Brett]

You can hide it then.

[John Holmberg]

Already got. Yeah, but. Well, you're saying nobody's ever going to see that. That's probably true. No one wants to see that thing anyway. No, I'm not going to do that. All right, we'll see. But thanks for remembering, you jerks. Everybody out there has got that on their mind. These people never forget. Brady, we can't.

[Brady]

That was a casual. It's not a proclamation.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it wasn't.

[Brady]

But I did say it this.

[John Holmberg]

I do like to be the person that, you know, if I said I'd go do this silly thing, I'll do it. And while we're on the topic of silly things and art imitating life and life imitating arc. I don't know if you guys saw this. There's. There's an asteroid headed directly towards the moon. Have you seen that? No. And they're worried about it. You know what the solution is? We're going to nuke it.

[Brett]

Just send up a bunch of rivers.

[John Holmberg]

But we got to send the rigors. So our plan is exactly like the bad movie they are taking from that terrible Armageddon movie. And they're going to send adjust its course.

[Brady]

Right.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know what it does, but we're going to nuke an astronomy. This can't be bad. You know what's gonna happen? We're gonna miss one. And a nuclear weapon's just gonna sail through a wormhole, shoot over into an existing universe, leave a trail, blow something up. And they're gonna be like, who the did this? And then they're gonna get in their spaceships and come back and kill us. We've been ignoring you dummies for a long time. We've known you were here. Did you just throw a bomb at us trying to nuke an asteroid? What are you, retarded? Our parents took Tylenol. Yeah, we told you not to do that. We knew that. Then they're going to come over here and dominate us. Yeah, throwing nukes out into space. The never ending space. It's not like they have an expiration date. If it doesn't hit anything, it just goes till it does. And all likelihood it'll hit something that'll get pissed off and show up, but yeah. So that's Our plan. That is our awesome plan. And it isn't, you know, it's not Trump. Trump, you'd think would say, what if we nuke it? Like, I think he says that in a lot of meetings and people like, Mr. President, we can't nuke it. Everything Disneyland. Nobody even likes it. Yeah, they do, actually. You're wrong about that. What if we nuke that? This is a suggestion from astronomers. That's their best idea. So I want to see it. But if we miss, we better have a rope on it to pull it real or back in. Anyway, it's 901. Somebody just sent me a terrible text. That's hilarious, though. I'll get the tattoo if they win. But I don't even know who they're playing the links right now. I don't even know who's good, like, who's standing in their way that you're like, they'll never get past them. No one knows.

[Brady]

Liberty.

[John Holmberg]

The limu. Emu. I think they're all right with that. Is that a team? Liberty. Liberty. Liberty.

[Brady]

No, wasn't the New York Liberty.

[John Holmberg]

I thought you were just talking about the insurance company with the bird. Either way, maybe. Did they handle them? I think they already beat them.

[Brady]

Is that who they beat in the first round?

[John Holmberg]

I don't know, Brady. No one knows. These are questions only God can answer. But we'll see if I end up with a tattoo. It's cuz, you pricks. We got a rock horse coming up in a little bit. It's 98. It's not weird.

[Brady]

It's pretty cool, actually.

[John Holmberg]

No membership fees. I have heard enough of this. Morning sickness. The old method of treatment for a person in this condition was to throw him in jail. Rock wars coming up a little bit. I forgot to tell you guys this story. This is good stuff. So yesterday I was driving back from. I had to make a left off of 68th street and McDowell. All right? And there's a Circle K right on that road. Road. There's a dude who crossed the street so slowly in front of me that it screwed up my left hand turn. And I got.

[Brady]

You're livid.

[John Holmberg]

I wasn't happy, so I screamed out, come on. Because he was dry. I mean, it was snail's pace. And he looked at me and I'm like. And I gave him the look because.

[Brady]

It wasn't like it was an old person. No, Walker.

[John Holmberg]

Normal dude. I swear to God, Holberg. Like, you got to be kidding me. You just go. It was. I was going to run him over. The Car. He knew. He listens to the show. And, I mean, he had to see me at my worst livid. Let's go, Holberg. I'm like, how did you do that? How did you do that? I am just a lunatic in a jeep. That's. It gives me this and just keeps walking like, you mother. So to that guy who mother. Speed it up. Like, go. Don't do that. If you're in the crosswalk, you're not badassing anybody. Just get across the road. Those people that. That mean mug you when they cross the. They look at you like, it's my road right now. Like, no. Then they. Ah, no, you don't.

[Brett]

Did you yell that out?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I run that.

[Brady]

Every morning.

[John Holmberg]

He said, in here. Oh, these guys, these construction guys, they've gotten so comfortable, they don't even look for cars anymore. But that was pretty impressive that he. He identified me immediately. And, I mean, I shouted as loud.

[Brady]

No pleasantries.

[John Holmberg]

No, I was. I was still. Blah. And then he said it. And then a few seconds Later, I'm on McDowell or laughing just like, what the hell is that, Holmberg? Irrelevant. Go. We can't, man. I'm in the crosswalk, and we all know that I gotta be this way. And if you're within 25ft of a crosswalk, just go to the crosswalk. Some dude crossing, like, he's almost to the cross when he starts running across and he's like, dodging cars. And he said, we're all stuck. Like, what are you doing? Go up. They go. Cross that. Is there anything you people won't cross legally? Come on. So to that guy. Thanks for listening, but seriously, go yourself. You screwed up the whole light. What?

[Brady]

I've got 25 seconds.

[John Holmberg]

He didn't. He was crossing against her. I wouldn't. I wouldn't have cared if he was going when he was supposed to, but he was in the middle of the road because I was supposed to. The lagging yellow flashing thing. Like, go, go. He'd been crossing for an hour. Hour.

[Brett]

You know, lay on the horn or anything.

[John Holmberg]

I was close. I almost went to the horn when he said Holmberg. Now I don't know if he said Holmberg or you. It's one of the two. I'm pretty sure I heard Holmes. There's that. And also, we were talking about this off there, and it's on my mind. The robot umps are in baseball, and I'm getting emails about that, and people are like, what are you doing? Come on, baseball. Baseball's dying. A slow Death. And it needs to be organized better for people of the next generation to enjoy it. Computers are going to be part of it. I, Brett, and I was saying this off there. We hate the human element being gone, but it, it's actually going to make the game a little better. The problem once again is us. If you watch baseball, you see the strike zone on a little computer screen. While you're watching the game, they have the little box and you know when the computer. Because you're watching with the computer and you get mad when the ump misses the call. Oh my God. It was just, it was on the line. Like you see the computer, what the computer would be calling and when the misses it, you get angry. And so what they're going to do now is have an umpire that's kind of a robot that, that will. You're allowed to challenges a game to say, that was clearly a missed call. And you go up. Eventually it will be. This is just a precursor to what's going on in minor leagues. Eventually all balls and strikes will be called by a robot. Yeah, it has to be. And it's better because there's certain umps.

[Brady]

When you watch the games. I just remember that they like a.

[John Holmberg]

Particular spread in the strike. Strike zone.

[Brady]

Yep.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. When they widen it. Well, they used to do it to speed games up, the Thursday games. The coaches knew, the umpires, they talked about it like, I'm going to call a wide strike zone today and this ball, this game's going to go. So, you know, a lot of times guys are going to take pitches that are 7, 8 inches off the plate. That's still going to be a strike today because we got to hit planes at five o' clock and we got to get out of the stadium because the traveling days. So eventually the robots. And it's. Because if nobody does anymore. But when you watch a baseball game, they have, have. It's like when they, you know when you see the first downline in a football game and they mark it, you're like, it's not even. Nobody on the field can see that. So. And now they've got that thing in football where they can predict. GPS predict. That's weird that. But it's still dependent on where the ball gets placed. So it's still up to the, you know, they can't do anything until the ball gets placed. Then they know if it's first down or not.

[Brady]

Tennis is coming around.

[John Holmberg]

Tennis has robots all over it. I mean, all sports are kind of going that direction. And it's been A better that way, when we can watch with great accuracy as viewers what the actual call should be. And nobody on the field has that technology. We. We get mad like, well, they should. But then we. But we still want the human element. But you don't really. You really don't. You're actually. They've changed it. That's indoctrination in its finest. Give them the computer over and over again until they start saying, well, we just have to switch to this. Because this guy misses call after call, and there's certain umps that don't do that.

[Brett]

Oh, you miss the screaming at Angel Hernandez or Joe west and, you know, stuff like that.

[John Holmberg]

The real fun of the game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is hating the umpire. And when you get to know their names, you pile of. You wreck the 04 series, you piece of y. And they hear it. And now it'll just be less emotion, which baseball doesn't need. In fact, what they should do with baseball is have the catcher call the balls and strikes. You'd have fights every game. It would be amazing. But, yeah, Pete, are email. Baseball is. Baseball's in trouble as far as its future. It has it. It celebrates its upticks, but it's really not. The arrow's not pointing up too high for baseball, and it's got a lot of great players. I'm going tonight, and I can guarantee you the Diamondbacks are fighting for a playoff spot. It's going to be mostly Dodger fans. You said Kirby went last night. It was almost all Dodger fans. It's pathetic and it's. It's hard to get a new generation invested in that. So they've done a pretty good job with the Diamondbacks and getting kids to like them, but they're. They're not passionate about it. I don't know that robots are the answer, but it definitely does. And it'll speed it up even more. You won't have silly things happening with balls and strikes. There's that. And then what we need to have is robots helping you across the goddamn street. I want you to email me, whoever the hell you are, if you know me well enough to point me out at a street light that I'm yelling at you, then, God damn it, listen to what I'm saying and cross the road like a human being. Being. Oh, there's nothing worse. Mean mug crosser. You don't have a car. You've got four DUIs. That's why you're walking in 108 degrees. Don't yell at me, St. Brown. Next time I shut up. I gotta go. What you getting? I just got across the street. Oh, Holberg, there he is right there. No, I'm kidding. It's some weird dude in a large Waldo outfit walking across our pocket parking lot. It's 9:22. Is it my rock Wars?

[Brett]

I think I got it.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, did you? All right.

[Brett]

It's typo negative.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, that's right. All right, well, are you ready?

[Brady]

Sure.

[John Holmberg]

Fire away, Brett.

[Brett]

All right. The song that John is listening to while getting his Mercury tattoo and a.

[John Holmberg]

Theme song for my Mercury tattoo. All right, all right, I like that. And I don't think it's going to happen, but just in case, we'll have a whole on the Internet, we'll play the song and you'll watch that thing go right onto my body somewhere. Yikes. Go Links. I say I've never been a bigger Minnesota Lynx fan in my life. If you have any suggestions, Holmberg, at 98kupd.com you can text 97936. We'll find out what we've got for you next. Rock War is coming up. Holmberg's morning sickness. It's time for the weekly battle of musical supremacy known only as Rock War is brought to you by our friends at Mo Money Pawn. Shorter long term collateral loans from $10 to over $100,000. No credit needed and top dollar paid with the entire process just taking several minutes. What the hell? Momoney pawn.com. 12th street and Indian School. What happened?

[Brett]

He missed that one.

[Brady]

I missed it.

[John Holmberg]

You sure did, big time. You've only got 38 years of weekends left. Brady, what are you doing with your time? Brett had the win last week, so he picked the topic this week. And we discovered through the incredible memory of the audience that I had made a proclamation that I will get a Mercury tattoo if they win the world championship. I don't remember doing it, but then Toledo found the tape and sure enough, I did say that, so I gotta stand by it. They beat the Minnesota Links last night and that's the team that's favored to win it all. We looked it up because nobody knew. And I'm still going to get a phone book and I'm going to call. You know what we used to do when I was a kid? Me and Mike Burkhart used to pick up the phone and just dial seven numbers and our. Our. We had. He was an 838 and I was an 831. And Tempe, he didn't have area codes. It was all 602. So you'd have to worry about it. So we just do 831, you know, and then four random numbers, and somebody would pick up, and we'd hello? But almost always got some old lady who just answered a phone fart. Hello, friend or foe? Ahoy. Ahoy and I. And then we do something. We got to do that again. Just randomly dial out a number. Nobody picks up their phone anymore. But if somebody does, we just ask them, who's number 25 for the Mercury? Oh, geez. I'll give you a million dollars. Oh, man. How much time do I have? It's time's up.

[Brett]

Yeah, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

None of this before you go to the phone. Yeah, we can't. If your phone rings and it's us, you don't know the question. Name a Mercury player. So if I get a tattoo, it would be pretty remarkable. That means one at all. And Brett has to go to the parade with me.

[Brett]

No, no, no, no.

[John Holmberg]

I never.

[Brett]

I never stepped up on that one.

[John Holmberg]

Proclamation 9:41. On September 24th of 2025, Brett and I and Brady and Rich as well, promise to go to the Mercury's parade in dresses, identifying as Mercury ladies, and watch the parade, stress the way I'm dressed. Yeah, that's exactly right. We'll go as Mercury fans, which I currently am dressed exactly as a female Mercury fan. All right, Brett, who would you like to go first? Go ahead.

[Brett]

Since it's your start, let me go first.

[John Holmberg]

Well, I said this before. I'll say it again. If I do have a Mercury tattoo, I would put it out there that I am. I am literally, I'm the only one to have that. And I think the only person that can say it and make Mercury films understands it's their hero, Melissa Etridge. I am the only one. I would be the only person in the world with a Mercury tattoo, and I'm the only one who drown in my desire. And people would hear the song and go, he's the only plus on the video. In the interest of business, while they're doing the tattoo, if we're playing this song, the Mercury fans will light it up. It'll be ridiculous. And then I'll say that I am number one in the city with Mercury fans, and it'll drive them crazy. Melissa's their hero. So there you go. That's me. All right, ready?

[Brady]

I think you'll be listening to this song. This song's perfect for you. Getting the tattoo not only from the.

[John Holmberg]

If it's up, up and away, the.

[Brady]

Artist doing his work and how you'll feel combo. It's every time afterwards. You'll always want to feel this tattoo. And you'll be excited.

[John Holmberg]

What? They're not making sense.

[Brett]

38 years of saying words.

[Brady]

Just saying words. You're going to touch that tattoo a lot.

[John Holmberg]

You think?

[Brady]

Yeah, I think you'll be excited about it. The vinyls I touched.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I touched a long way around the mouth on that one was we ran out of gas twice. We had to pull over for that to land.

[Brady]

That was John Denver's plane.

[Brett]

They want to know if we have to go to the parade. Are we renting a Subaru out back to.

[John Holmberg]

God damn it. Okay. All right. We gotta get there. Oh, maybe Waymo will have a Subaru by then. She's dead. We should throw this in the. There you go. I'll throw that out to the boys. Get the divinals going. All right. I touch myself. I don't understand. Brett, you're up.

[Brett]

Well, I think you know, this could be a huge mistake. I'm making this bet. We're hoping not. And I think Colin Hay and the men from Men at Work said it the best. It's a mistake. He did.

[John Holmberg]

I said 56 or said 56. I said there we go. It's a mistake. It definitely would apply. Oh, man. It's a mistake.

[Brady]

Great show.

[John Holmberg]

I wanted to go to this, too. You went? You liked it?

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

All right. Well, there you go. All right, those are. John, we're running out of time. It's going to be up to you right now. Come on over here. My Mercury tattoo theme song will have to be decided. Well, we can see before final call. Right to step. Okay, Final call. John Gordon and trivia. Those are the three. One through three. You got to pick a number. He's writing them down randomly with numbers. John Gordon.

[Brady]

Here it comes.

[John Holmberg]

He throws the three at us. What were you putting down for three? It was trivia. Somebody will win today with trivia. And Toledo's got to break out his trivia book. Buzzing with your Rock wars name.

[Brady]

Damn it.

[John Holmberg]

Brady might win.

[Brett]

I know.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, I do like that song. All right, here we go.

[Brady]

Quick one.

[John Holmberg]

All right, let's go.

[Brady]

Pay attention.

[John Holmberg]

Buzz in with your name.

[Brady]

Featuring a rather odd breakfast. What 1960 Dr. Seuss book uses only Brett Brady?

[John Holmberg]

Damn it, Brett.

[Brett]

Green Eggs and Ham.

[John Holmberg]

Bingo. Son of a. Green Eggs and ham's a big winner. Brett wins with It's a mistake by Mattress. It's a great song. Not complaining about that at all. All right, we'll take a break. We'll Come back with a little minute work and do the entertainment drill. Brett wins Rockwors. Who are you going to choose, John? You're gonna choose. It's a mistake as well. All right. Don't like lesbians, huh? See how it is. Let's see how it is around here. All right. There you go. Congratulations, Brett. Men at work wins this week's rock war. It's not weird.

[Brady]

It's pretty cool, actually.

[John Holmberg]

No membership fees. I have had enough of this morning sickness. The old method of treatment for a person in this condition was to throw him in jail. Men at work really drove the point home. Oh, yeah, they're. They're trying to tell you whatever they're talking about was a mistake. I will not let it go. Well, it would be my mercury test. You think that'll make the company newsletter? One of our jocks in Phoenix got a mercury tattoo because he's the only one in the world to do it now. They don't talk about me. Get back in the attic, John. Just keep churning money. It's a 957. Congratulations, Brad. Good win there. Not a bad song. And it kind of makes me curious about cargo again. Go back and listen to that ancient old album.

[Brett]

Well, Overkill's amazing.

[John Holmberg]

Such a great song. Overkills. And again, I always tell people this, if you can find it. Laszlo Bane covered Overkill with Colin Hay. And it was spectacular. It was like 1996. It was amazing cover. Laszlo Bane did a whole thing called Guilty pleasures of COVID songs. The dude does the best Barry Manilow cover I've ever heard in my life. He's. He's not like. He's just doing an important depression. So good. It's Laszlo Bank. It's weird, but look it up if you like that kind of stuff. It's time for Brady to entertain us. All the entertainment drills. Brought to you by reactdefense.com the home of tactical black self defense training. I'm heading out there today. Missed the last couple of. Of days and it's. It's driving me nuts. So I'll get out there today and get slapped around and have some fun and get in great shape while I'm doing it. We were talking about, you know, finding things that. Like that dude crossing the. The crosswalk that could have gotten sideways. I certainly didn't help that situation by shouting at him, but he needed to be told to go. Had he not recognized me and he was insane, he could have come towards me and tried to kill me. What would I have done? I'd have Hit him with the car. Because that would have been my best defense at that point. However, you never know when the crazy person that you just accidentally ticked off or on his case. I got an email from a guy that says, my friend always crosses the street so slow, slow. And he always goes, don't worry about it. They'll stop. It's like, what if they're texting or having a meltdown like Holmberg did against that one guy? Like, you never know who's on the other side of what your day is and what you're trying to do. You never know. You look at someone the wrong way and if they're having an awful time, you might have just. You might have just done what men at work said. It's a mistake. Learn how to handle yourself in situations in the. In the streets and crowds by yourself. Scary walks through parking lots and things like that. Women, you need this so badly. It's insane because sometimes you walk around with your head down in that phone and you look like a victim without even knowing it. Learn how to not look that way. Immediately get in great shape, which is always beneficial for your health and everything else. And just gain confidence like you can't even imagine. Reactdefense.com that's where you go. It's the home of tactical Black Brady Entertainment.

[Brady]

Fox is reviving Baywatch.

[John Holmberg]

They can't.

[Brady]

Announced it yesterday. New version.

[John Holmberg]

Nope.

[Brady]

Baywatch, premiering during the 2026, 2027 season.

[John Holmberg]

Can't do it.

[Brady]

They're promising.

[John Holmberg]

Can't be done.

[Brady]

The California dream back.

[John Holmberg]

Cannot be done. You cannot objectify women that way.

[Brady]

Whole new generation of fans with fresh stories.

[John Holmberg]

It's gonna suck. You can't do it. The whole point of Baywatch wasn't the stories cans. It was breasts and butts and a lot of them. And bouncing and jogging in slow motion. You can't do that to women now. Can't do it.

[Brady]

All the adrenaline fueled rescues. No tangled relationships.

[John Holmberg]

Nope.

[Brett]

Don't remember any of them.

[John Holmberg]

Nobody cares about it. I just wanted to see pj. CJ Sorry. Running down the beach in slow motion with Nicole Eggert back before she ate. Nicole Eggert. Oh, spectacular. What was that redheaded one that showed up late? She was amazing. Then they just started plucking girls out of Playboy because they knew acting wasn't a thing. Like, you do it, you do it. Know you do it.

[Brady]

When you said showed up late, was that during the Baywatch nights they watch?

[John Holmberg]

Nights was rough. And that had Jason Momoa in it. Baywatch nights tried too hard to be a detective show and didn't focus in enough on slow motion bouncing around. So it didn't do well at all. They tried, but then they took that one, Alexandra Paul, the one with no breasts, and tried to sexy her up. When you look at it, look, I don't know if many people know. Know this. Sherwood Schwartz was the creators of Gilligan's island and, you know, all those shows in the 70s. His son, Brady Bunch. Yeah, his son was the creator of Baywatch. So he had the Schwartz mentality in there of like, give the audience what they want and who cares? Well, stories will come later. So a lot of people don't realize that it was a Sherwood Schwartz type deal with his son. And he gave you the girl with no kid cans, the girl with huge cans, the girl with the big ass, the girl with the tight ass, the girl with the small ass. Like, everything was covered. Then towards the end, it was just Playmates.

[Brett]

You don't see that about Brandy Roderick.

[John Holmberg]

Randy Roderick was late. That was after Pam Anderson kind of left. There was a redhead in there, Carmen Electra, towards the end.

[Brett]

Oh, she didn't age well.

[John Holmberg]

Erica Leniak. You know who did, though, was the. Oh, I can't remember her name now.

[Brady]

Burns.

[John Holmberg]

Brooke Burns was in it. I forgot about her.

[Brady]

Who's the Nolan? Did she marry a hockey player?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, she had. She had a few husbands.

[Brady]

I sat next to her on a flight.

[John Holmberg]

I did a bartending contest.

[Brett]

Bingham.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, my God, look at all the cans. Or Donna D' Erico is the one. That is great. She's like 60 and looks better than ever. I don't remember who the redheads. Oh, there she is. Down the bottom left, I think. Keep going. You haven't got her face up there yet. I don't know if that's on her. No. Boy, I don't know where she went. Maybe she's not got red hair on this. On the pictures you're showing. What? She was hot, though. She was at the Tracy Bingham years.

[Brady]

I like this. According to a source, ex Astronomer CEO Andy Byron and Kristen Cabot. That was the couple that got busted on the Jumbotron and Coldplay cover.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah.

[Brady]

The source says they're. They're friends. They had an excellent working relationship, a great friendship. There was no affair. It was inappropriate to be hugging your boss at a concert like that. Yeah, but she accepts full responsibility for it. But the scandal, the downfall, the loss of the job was all unfair because they're just friends.

[John Holmberg]

They're just now saying they weren't but opponent. Yeah. Took a long time to come up with this story.

[Brady]

And, you know, holding her from behind is a little more than just friends.

[John Holmberg]

That's wild.

[Brady]

But they could have been posing.

[John Holmberg]

I've held you from behind. It doesn't mean I'm diving in.

[Brett]

Not at a Coldplay concert.

[John Holmberg]

I know it was at a Coldplay concert. Twinks, you can hold someone from behind. They might have had a tough day. They're leaning into you. You really helped me with it. You don't know, like, 20 minutes earlier, you might have been talking her off a bit. Little edge. And he just gave her a little sweet hug from behind. And the timing looks terrible. Remember that picture that everybody freaked out about where Jennifer Aniston walked by Brad Pitt, and they held hands and looked in each other's eyes and people are like, it's happening. The. The. The romance is still there. Then you watch the video, and it's basically Brad Pitt going about 15 miles an hour and giving her a little bit of a high five. But if you froze it just right, Love was in the air. It's our perception of that is so ridiculous. I felt so sorry for those people. Even if they were. Were having an affair. It's none of our business.

[Brett]

I feel sorry for her.

[John Holmberg]

Her?

[Brett]

Him. She looked hideous.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. She wasn't as good as.

[Brett]

Yeah. His squish at home was a CEO. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

He could have scored better. Angelica bridges is the one. Oh, I'm thinking of. She's 54 now. Five. Let's find out. Angelica Bridges, aging status. If Brit's theory holds true.

[Brady]

I missed it last night, but our boy Corey Feldman.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

Was eliminated from Dancing with the Stars.

[John Holmberg]

Yep. Who saw that coming? Well, everyone. Everyone did. But still, he's a professional dancer. By the way, that's what he calls himself because when he's on stage, that's. He has a whole segment of his live show where he just dances. Here she is. Oh, my God. Is that her now? I think I just put Bridges did a. Oh, wait.

[Brett]

I hope that's not it.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that can't be right. That's not her. That's Wendy Williams. I think in the other picture, too. I don't know what you're looking at. Angelica Bridges was amazing looking. I don't know. Yeah, these are pictures. They look pretty recent. Gez Louise. She's wrecking Brett's theory.

[Brett]

Hey, a clock is right twice a day.

[John Holmberg]

Come on. I don't even know if that applies. It does. I don't know if that means anything.

[Brett]

But that means 22 times it's wrong.

[John Holmberg]

Right. That's you though. I'm saying this time you're wrong. So you're saying every once in a while.

[Brett]

Yeah, absolutely.

[John Holmberg]

Every once in a while you'll get a. An anomaly is what you're saying. Somebody that ruins your theory of women. Aids like milk.

[Brett]

I'm taking the probabilities are.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. You know, look, if I'm gonna bet, man, you're pretty good. You're pretty safe vandal at that one.

[Brady]

I mentioned this earlier this morning, but There is an AI artist named Zanya Monet just signed a 3 million dollar record deal. A woman named Talisha Jones writes all of the lyrics and then uses the AI artist to turn them into songs. She sounds a lot like Beyonce. The song, the song that I heard was. How was I supposed to know? It has 5 million streams across YouTube and Spotify.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Brady]

So people are saying it's the future. I wonder if you know if you're making him sound a lot like this artist. Well, this artist have a.

[John Holmberg]

You cannot trademark a voice. You just can't.

[Brady]

Interesting.

[John Holmberg]

So good luck with that. I'm sure. Stealing songs. But if you didn't write the words. Words and a computer wrote the music and you're paying your computer dues. That's the world we're in right now. Until somebody wrecks it or fixes it. That's the future. We've got to embrace the AI. You can't quit. You can't keep pushing it back. It's going to take over. Especially with music. If you guys were listening yesterday and you heard the soul version, the R B version of Don't Forget About Me, you realize we're in trouble with the AI because it makes stuff awesome fast. That's just. This is its infancy. The faster that artists realize, oh, I can use this as a tool to be better than we're going to learn from Metallica, who screamed and yelled that there's no possible way this is better than selling albums and CDs. I hate this computer crap. And it'll never catch on. Well, it did and it was the smartest thing to do. Angelica Bridges. I'm gonna have to revisit that now. If she's in the new Baywatch, which would just. It's gonna be woke and correct and they're gonna have big bikinis on up to their necks and there'll be no thong ass stuff going on, which is the modern day outfit.

[Brett]

So why am I gonna watch this?

[John Holmberg]

Why would I watch this?

[Brady]

For the rescues.

[John Holmberg]

No, I don't care that these idiots go out. And if you can't swim and you're an adult, then, I mean, I don't need that televised. It's an accident. It's a terrible accident. The rescues were never exciting. The only reason rescues were exciting was the run to the water.

[Brett]

Somebody just messaged about the Men at Work song. It's a mistake. It's about the 19th Amendment. Apparently.

[John Holmberg]

The lady vote. Even the guys from Australia picked that up. That's it. Larry's coming up. Next Wednesday's in the books. You guys have yourselves a spectacular day and we'll see you tomorrow right here in the morning sickness. Hey, it's not weird.

[Brady]

It's pretty cool actually. No membership fee.

[John Holmberg]

I have heard enough of this. I've got 20 minutes to run club meets and it's time for a quick pre workout snack. Go Go Squeeze Active Fruit Blend to the rescue. Made with select B vitamins to help release energy, it's an easy squeezable pouch made to move with me. The taste so good. And made with real fruit. Even better. Whether I'm hitting the trail or meeting my friends on the court, this is my go to on the go snack. Quick, easy, ready when I am. When it's go time, I go with Gogo Squeeze Active. Snag yours on your next door run. Search for Gogo Squeeze on Amazon.