Holmberg’s Morning Sickness – 09-26-25 (FULL SHOW – FRIDAY) Summary

Podcast: Holmberg’s Morning Sickness (98 KUPD, Arizona)
Date: September 26, 2025
Host(s): John Holmberg, Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo
Special Guests: Damon Wayans Jr. (as performed by Jonathan Kite!), Jonathan Kite

Overview

This lively episode of Holmberg’s Morning Sickness delivers a classic Friday blend of irreverent sports talk, local Arizona weather humor, sharp pop culture banter, and a special dose of comedy with in-studio guest Jonathan Kite. The crew laments Cardinals’ woes, dives into bizarre trivia and scientific findings, and takes several comedic detours—culminating in a marathon session of impressions, stories, and signature segments.

Key Segments & Topics

1. Cardinals Game Recap & Uniform Riffing (01:04–16:50)

• John Holmberg opens with a scathing critique of the Arizona Cardinals’ new uniforms, describing them as “like somebody threw wet diarrhea through a screen.”
  • Memorable quote:
    “Their uniforms just look kind of dirty. I love the helmets. The new logo was cool. But…they just look like diarrhea just chucked through a screen.” (02:37)
• The team debates the supposed "sandstorm" motif, with much laughter about the recurrently “soiled” look.
• The conversation veers onto a running joke about “ginger” quarterbacks never winning a Super Bowl. John insists it’s a cosmic rule, leading to a tongue-in-cheek discussion about redheads in sports.
  • “It is in the rules of the NFL that that can’t happen. They’ll take it from them. Fandom won’t allow it.” (04:46)

2. Sports Cynicism & “Junior” Athlete Psychology (16:39–31:37)

• In-depth discussion of Marvin Harrison Jr.’s NFL performance and the “curse” of being a famous athlete’s child.
  • John suggests juniors rarely live up to their namesakes, referencing Joey Porter Jr., Bronny James, and other sports families.
  • “…Worst thing you can ever do is be the greatest of all time at something and name your kid after you…Charlie Woods is gonna have a tough enough life…” (21:30)
• The crew questions Harrison Jr.’s motives and work ethic, contrasting “natural” gifts with competitive drive.

3. Weather Paranoia & Media Exaggeration (33:18–41:32)

• The hosts riff on Arizona’s brewing weather and local news panic over “rain events.” They comically invent new weather terms (“Hashi,” “horacho,” “grapple,” “verga”) and mock meteorological melodrama.
  • “…the news was really excited they named something new. We finally got some grapple and it was nothing.” (36:57)
• John recounts a personal experience with Spanish slang gone wrong.

4. Tom Brady & Raiders Conflict of Interest (41:32–54:15)

• Holmberg launches into a classic extended rant on Tom Brady’s “bad guy” persona, mocking his PR statements about NFL ethics.
  • “Tom Brady is a textbook high functioning sociopath…I don’t trust him, because…you’ve always been around wallet theft.” (50:15)
  • Comparison to past NFL scandals; muses about Las Vegas, gambling, and the Patriots’ controversies.

5. Wild Animal Attacks & Squirrel Madness (54:02–61:25)

• The team reacts to a viral story of an aggressive squirrel attacking people in San Francisco.
  • John jokes that even the toughest people would “squeal and piss themselves” if ambushed by a squirrel.
  • “A squirrel leaping out of a tree might be the scariest thing in the world.” (54:45)
• A string of surreal animal stories and impressions (Rocky and Bullwinkle, homophobic squirrels).

6. Alyssa Milano’s Breast Implant Removal & Gendered Standards (64:08–76:16)

• Holmberg critiques media coverage of Alyssa Milano’s publicized breast implant removal, reflecting on societal beauty pressures and gender expectations in the most irreverent way.
  • “You wanted to be beautiful. And you know what you did along the way? You let beauty lead and you never developed a fun personality.” (65:47)
• The discussion turns to how men would react to an analogous “standard”—with tongues firmly in cheek.

7. News Update & Science Bits with Brady (86:06–104:41)

• Brady’s Report: Quirky factoids on pancake day specials, the world’s oldest hotel, kangaroo handedness, new dictionary words, and a lawsuit over Reese’s packaging lacking “spooky” faces (93:35).
• Science News:
  • Mangoes and blood sugar (98:00)
  • Urine-based prostate cancer testing and urine color “stress” science (98:30)
  • Shark-proof wetsuits and their questionable practicality (101:03)
• “White Guy Crime” guessing game: A man in Atlanta steals 91 manhole covers—crew incorrectly guesses the criminal’s description in a riff on stereotypes (105:08).

8. Relationship & Pop Culture Oddities (107:28–112:00)

• Discussion of a San Francisco bachelorette’s marriage-seeking billboard, the odd world of dating, and the perils of wheelies on motorcycles (“No woman has ever moistened up from wheelie…” 111:54).
• More wild radio videos: bodily shocks, including a bizarre parade of internet shock content (113:28).

9. In-Studio Comedy & Conspiracy Chat – Damon Wayans Jr. (as Jonathan Kite) (121:24–141:09)

• Surprise: The scheduled interview with comedian Damon Wayans Jr. is, in fact, a spot-on impression by Jonathan Kite (revealed later).
• Conversation ranges from comedy family pressure, conspiracy theories (Helen Keller “did nothing,” flat earth, Lee Harvey Oswald), and what movies actually scare them.
  • “I don’t think Helen Keller did anything.” – John
    “…Now everyone's a conspiracy theorist. Even my grandma: ‘What about Building 7?’” – “Damon” / Jonathan Kite (122:57)
• Jonathan’s own comedy projects and musings about working in TV and family.

10. Final Stretch: Squares, Impressions and More Kite (142:00–End)

• The show wraps up with a long session of “Squares”, featuring Jonathan Kite doing an array of perfect impressions: Anthony Bourdain, President Trump, Mickey Rourke, Vince Vaughn, Tom Hanks, and more, with the hosts volleying questions and scenarios.
• Rapid fire, low-stakes trivia (e.g., “All natural diamonds are at least 525 million years old. True or False?”)
• The team muses on impression craft, Mickey Rourke stories, and the ongoing hilarity of Kite’s Bourdain, reinforced by his dead-eyed thousand-yard stare.
  • “My favorite thing with your Bourdain is the thousand yard gaze…he’s somewhere else in time entirely.” – John (165:43)

Notable Quotes & Moments

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |-----------|---------|-------| | 02:37 | John | “Their uniforms just look kind of dirty. I love the helmets. The new logo was cool. But…they just look like diarrhea just chucked through a screen.” | | 04:46 | John | “[Redheads can’t win in the NFL.] It’s in the rules of the NFL that that can't happen. They'll take it from them. Fandom won't allow it.” | | 21:30 | John | “…Worst thing you can ever do is be the greatest of all time at something and name your kid after you…Charlie Woods is gonna have a tough enough life…” | | 41:32 | John | “Tom Brady is a textbook high functioning sociopath…I don’t trust him, because…you’ve always been around wallet theft.” | | 54:45 | John | "A squirrel leaping out of a tree might be the scariest thing in the world.” | | 65:47 | John | “You wanted to be beautiful. And you know what you did along the way? You let beauty lead and you never developed a fun personality.” | | 98:30 | Brady | “Researchers have created a new urine based test that can identify prostate cancers. So that'll stop a lot of probing.” | | 122:57 | “Damon”/Jonathan Kite | “…Now everyone's a conspiracy theorist. Even my grandma: ‘What about Building 7?’” | | 165:43 | John | “My favorite thing with your Bourdain is the thousand yard gaze…he’s somewhere else in time entirely.” |

Timestamps for Key Segments

• 01:04 – Cardinals uniform/sports riff
• 16:39 – Marvin Harrison Jr. & “the Junior curse”
• 33:18 – Arizona weather reports/goofy panic
• 41:32 – Tom Brady ownership rant & NFL conspiracies
• 54:02 – Squirrel attacks; woods creature bits
• 64:08 – Alyssa Milano, body image & “standards”
• 86:06 – Brady’s Report: trivia, food days, science
• 107:28 – Bachelorette billboard/dating weirdness
• 113:28 – Internet shock videos/disgust parade
• 121:24 – Damon Wayans Jr. (Jonathan Kite) interview; conspiracy, family, comedy
• 142:00 – Jonathan Kite’s Squares, impressions, closing bits

Tone & Style

• Irreverent, quick-witted, often self-deprecating Arizona humor
• R-rated, no-holds-barred banter
• Proudly unfiltered with self-referential inside jokes
• Signature blend of local flavor (Cardinals, AZ weather) and national pop culture

For New Listeners

Even if you missed the episode, you’ll get a full dose of sharp wit, unpredictable pivoting between sports, pop culture, science, and high-voltage (occasionally blue) comedy. The interplay between Holmberg and crew, the “junior” athlete segment, rants about both local and national topics, and Jonathan Kite’s nearly unbroken run of top-tier impressions make for unrelenting engagement.

Don’t Miss:

• Jonathan Kite’s pitch-perfect Damon Wayans Jr., Anthony Bourdain, and more
• The “Cardinals will forever Cardinal” sports fatalism
• The running joke about gingers, and how it weaves through serious sports and wild slapstick

Best for:
Fans of sports talk with loads of humor, anyone who loves wild morning radio, and those who appreciate rowdy comedians riffing without a filter.