← Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona
Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona
10-03-25 - Phone In The Shower - Story Calls For Adult Changing Tables To Be Placed In Public Places To Handle Accidental Pooping And We Rail Against It BO
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You're listening to the HMS Podcast, brought to you by MMP, Guns.com, your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories. Chew and poop. That's all they do. That's all they're good for. Chewing and pooping. The rest of homework's morning sickness. This is the Big Red Radio. I also saw a thing this weekend that I just have to say, put a stop to this immediately. There was a news story on the BBC, BBC America. When we come back, let's talk about your phone. We'll be right back. Yeah, all right. Let's talk about that. Evidently, there's, like, a test. Like, you can. Why is it a bad idea to have your phone in the shower? There are people who can't go to take a shower. They gotta have their phone. They have to have their phone. Never once have you. No. No. I don't even know if I think my phone's the waterproof one. I don't want to test that. First off, I don't want to test that out, find out I'm wrong. And second, what's going on in that shower that I need more information or I need a chat and put it close by. I'll be out. I'll be out in a few minutes. Like tugging. I guess maybe that would be the only reason. But did you just put it on the other side of the glass? I mean, if you've got a shower curtain, just keep it cracked. Build a. Here's the thing. Hang the monitor in the. In the bathroom and throw it to the monitor. Yeah. Hey, there's something. Yeah, do a little air throw. That's not it. Brady solved your problem there, nutbag. But if you're beating off in the shower and you've got your phone with you, you're gonna fall down. First of all, one of these days, you might. Yeah. Yeah, might. Actually, I masturbated on the 20th and 21st Tuesday, and then Tuesday again. I mean, I. Yeah. Stop taking your phone into the shower. You can take it on the can. It's the new newspaper. I get that, but that would be. To me, that was the equivalent of parents going into the shower with a newspaper or a Playboy. Yeah. You're missing the live presidential debate. You want to run out, decide to take us? Did Charlie Kirk and Vivek Ramaswamy do another symposium? You couldn't not watch while you were cleaning your junk? I guess as I think about it, if they made Playboys and Penthouses waterproof, I'd have probably drug a couple of them so essentially, I think that maybe they didn't mention porn. It didn't cross my mind either because they kept talking about taking a break from information and not necessarily take a break from your phone. Don't take it in the shower with you. And they show people in the shower holding their phones. And I'm like, that just seems like you're definitely gonna drop it. Don't take your phone in the shower. Just if you're about to shower this morning, maybe listening to us, maybe you have your favorite podcast on, but that's. Don't take us in the shower. I don't want to be in the shower with you. You're mostly fat. I don't want to be in the shower with almost every American. Yuck. There's like 2% of the population. I'd like to shower with the rest of you. And then I don't want to see you reach down into that crack and then look at it after soap it up and then look at your hand. And the soap's rust colored now. And then you use it on your face right after ye. Come on. Only if I'm allowed to see it. Put me in that little screen. Just go, hey, if I go in the shower with you, I'm gonna critique some stuff. Yeah, I shower with Troy Hayden every morning. Thanks, Christy. I go to Circle K. I see the populace. You guys don't want to watch me shower. I do gross stuff in there anyway. Thought I'd throw that out there. If you're thinking about it this morning, don't. So as I'm going through all this poop I thing, and I already don't like the poop situation. I see this article this morning that says the Iowa disability rights advocates are fighting for this nationally. Now, first off, we just got through the bathroom thing about six or seven years ago where it was like, do we have transgender bathrooms? What do we do with. How do we allow men dressed up as women to use the women's room without feeling like, you know, a dude who's got bad ideas could dress up like a woman and go in the ladies room and do all sorts of things, which is what nobody talks about. They all talk about rights. They never talk about the crazy people that can disguise themselves and go in there, or, you know, just men with women, and it's gross. So then. And then tampon Tim shows up and are we putting tampons in boys rooms? And, like, everybody's got a bathroom thing. This is the worst one. Tampons in boys rooms are funny. Nobody's gonna use them. Nobody's gonna use them. If you're dressed like a girl, why are you using the boys room? That argument goes away to me. It's like, if you've got a. Well, yeah, but she needs to. Or if you're dressed like a boy. Right. You're dressed like a boy. You'd have to use the girls. She didn't want to go in the girls room. Let anybody know. The minute one of the dudes sees her pulling a tampon out of the thing. Look, you're having. You're bleeding. And also, by the way, if you're a girl dressed as a boy and every day have two tampons somewhere on your person, if you have to mule them in your ass. If you just put one in in the morning and just. Just in case. But she might get toxic shock. Well, look, she's running a lot of risks out there dressing up the way she's dressing, so that argument was stupid. This is the worst one. I'm fine with the tampons. I don't care about transgender bathrooms, just as long as it doesn't cost me any money. This one. Disability rights say that there's a need across the country for adult changing tables in bathrooms. This is Jerry Springer. Now, what is this? Yes. So one adult can change another adult who's had an accident at a restaurant or a place. And so, like, let's say Brett and I go out. It isn't for us, but let's say you take a huge. And you're laughing so hard you can't clean yourself, and I go and put you on the table and clean you up. That is not how you got poopeyed by the. That would have. We both end up with bad eyes afterwards somehow. That isn't exactly what. It's four, but we would, like, jokingly lay on that. I would never touch the table. Change table. I don't like the baby changing tables. My theory on life is if someone you're with, no matter what their age is, takes a sh. At the dinner table, the dinner's over. Everybody's going home. That's it. That's a rule. I stand by. If someone just goes, uh, oh, like, what is it, Grandpa? I just took a. All right, night's over, folks. Everybody to the car. I'll grab the bill. I'll just throw $200 on the table. I don't care if it were at Applebee's. Two for 20. Somebody's getting two bills. We're getting in the car, and we're going Home. The minute one of the guests at the dinner takes a disabled or otherwise night's over. Because the last thing I want to think about. And I said this to Brady at Spinatos, and he's a little disabled. When it comes to a sphincter, food goes in him and comes out of him like. Like those cartoon people for medicine on the. You know, when they throw, they show the little dots of medicine going all the way into the stomach immediately and coming out. Brady will go to the bathroom, take huge dumps, come back and keep eating. We gotta make room for more. And I'm like, no, no, no. You're not touching any more of the food. You're done here. I washed up. Not enough for me. You got. You're done. He ordered another pizza on his own. If he wants to go sit somewhere else, but that's it. He took a. Because he couldn't. Scott Taylor's not allowed to ever eat with me. That guy, he takes more than anyone I've ever known in my life at work all day. Says he can't control it. And I'm like, michael and Troy can control it better than you. And the things they're doing to their rectums is indescribable. So it's mainly for people with disabilities. So their folks can take them in there, pull down the big boy table, and clean them up. But I know this. If my dog has poop butt, night's over. Oh, yeah, night's over. We're in the shower. We're doing some scrubbing. I've got gloves on. We're cleaning it all up, and the food is. We're done. I'm not going back to that. We're showered up. We're. You can't just go wipe an adult's ass and then rejoin the party. Yeah, I guess the only. The only place that would be allowed is, like, Old country buffet, maybe Cracker Barrel. Those places I could see, but they're firing through. Yeah, you're not going through, like steak 44 and the adult changing tables in there. But if they make it capable than the people who. People will feel for. Here's what are my fears with Americans. They'll feel free to take in their pants, Brady, because they don't have to get all the way up and go to the bathroom. They can dump, keep eating, and then go change up in the bathroom. Why are you not allowing lubies to do this? Well, a Looby's can do whatever they want. I'm never going. That's what I'm saying, so old country buffet, stuff like that. Fine. Only places I don't go to. Right. You know, you never know when you're in a pinch and you get a flat tire at the Louvies parking lot. And there's no tow trucks or help or anything for going into Louis. We got to eat at Lubies. We got. Is the only place in Texas. I shouldn't have made this drive. Now, again, that's probably never going to happen. But neither is the idea. I've always told the story of the guy in Show Low. That was Stephen Hawking Dub. I still have that picture. Wait a minute. That's from Safe. Oh, no, that was the one from you and I and Tim Hortons. Yeah. Now that person's not needing wipes. The person you and I saw didn't have a body from the rib cage down. They just had a bag that filled up. I'm positive of it. There was no butthole on that woman. No reason to change then. Just no reason even. Why open the Ziploc? You're good, right? Yeah. Just go pour out your Ziploc. But I still think that if we're gonna do this for the disabled person. Sure. The table. If you're pulling somebody out of a chair and wiping their ass and then putting them back in and then going back out to have some more ribs, I'm not interested. If you ever got to give the bro hug to a dude to get him up on the table. Yeah. If you've got to go into the mount. Yeah. To help somebody, it's. That's it. And I'm not. I'm not trying to be disparaging to people with disabilities, but the last thing I think they want is to be in a public restroom laid out on a changing table. Yes. Right. I think that's humiliating because if I walk in and I would, the first thing I do is go, oh, come on. What's going on? Like, I would be like, get it out of here. He can't help it. He's sick. Yeah, but you can roll back to the car. Come on, bro. Hurry up. My two for 20 riblets are getting cold over there. Come on. I'm still hu. So we were going to wipe my ass filled with feces and then go back out there with the people. No. And here's the other thing. If you've got to clean up somebody who's dumped all over themselves. Now, I know how this works. I've had accidents as an adult. It isn't as an adult. A little, you know, like a Baby. Where it just lands in the diaper. And then you clean the diaper and wipe them up. Adults have what it looks like they sat in mud. It's on the thighs. It's. You know, especially because most of these people who are disabled aren't standing up when they poop. They're sitting in it. So it's. Yeah. Thanks, Brett. So it's. I know this is a tough way to start the morning, but we're. We're serious show that takes care of issues. So it's spread all over. So the disabled person. I'm not upset at the person who's got a, you know, squeegee off the thighs from the knee back to the ass crack. Good band name. Squeegee that off. Put that down, throw it all out. Then they don't have the ability to wash up. So now we gotta add a shower. Need the Silkwood shower in there. Oh, yeah, you do. Power washers and brushes. You need a Chernobyl room to clean this person off. And then. Yeah, you can't. This isn't good. So I say let's not encourage this by adding tables. Let's discourage this by telling people if the rule is in every. We kid, we. They went on dirty dining when the chef had Pepto Bismol in the kitchen. We get changing tables for grownups, handicapped or not. Look, handicapped people want to be treated like everybody else. So I say you guys go home if you take dumps in your pants. Holberg's morning sickness. Bloomberg's morning sickness. Because if you want to be treated like everybody else, if I take a dump in my pants, dinner doesn't continue. No. I tell you what. Kurt Vesli is going to learn Uber eats, because I'm not taking him out when he gets to that point. Nope. My dad and I, we've got it. Come on. My dad and I have a deal that if I ever have to wipe you more than three times because you've lost it, it's a pillow to the face. And he's got one for me. If a doctor ever says he'll never be able to clean himself again, that's it. Game over. What are you doing? Is he gonna get better, Doc? No, he's never gonna be able. All right, then this is. This is the downward trajectory, and we're near the bottom here. I love my dad, and that's proof I love him is that I don't want to do that. And I never propping Dan up on a changing table just so the two of us can Go back out and have some rigatoni. It's not happening. Changing tables for adults. Changing tables for babies is bad enough. That's awful. If you've ever walked in on a bathroom where a dude is changing a baby. First off, where's mom? That's very real. That's not a guy job. It's your turn. Oh, lady, I'm paying for it. You want it in the beginning. I'm paying for all this dinner. You change, you wipe its ass. I didn't want it to be here. Secondly, if you take out anything that still can't control its anus to dinners, have a backup plan. Double down on the diapies. As a divorced dad, I will defend the guys do have to change the babies sometimes. Guys like you? Yeah. Regular us guys. No, we just don't. You know what dudes like Brett and I I think would sit back and go, we just don't go to dinner for the first three years. That's a woman thing too. That's an actual thing. You just stop doing stuff like that. Well, we have to have a life. I thought you loved this thing more than anything. It was the greatest gift you've ever gotten. What do you mean? You have to have a life. Isn't this a better life? Stay home with it. That is your life. Yeah. You're locked down for basically until they start school. Good. Stay out of my kitchen. Dragging that thing out there. It's disgusting. Every day I hear stories like that. I just know I made the right decision. Every day is a gift. Let me tell you this. I haven't loved anything more than not having a child. Like not the birth of my child. Every day is. You have that one day parents where you're like, the birth of my child is the greatest day ever. Every day I don't have a child is better than the day before. Every day I get that feeling that you got once I have more love in me because of not having a child. You don't even know what love is. Uh huh. You have no idea. And it grows and grows with each day. I don't look into the eyes of that little human factory. It's like when the smoke was coming out between your legs at Dr. Lin's place and the light was just coming. It was like the guiding light and everything. Oh, it was. It looked like my dick was smoking weed. It was a moment. Yeah, it was a moment. The. The. The two greatest words I've ever heard are not I do or you're rich or anything like that. It was all done. When Dr. Lynn was finished cutting out my nuts. Oh, it was the best. The best. Regent. What do we end up? You run the risk that the kid's gonna end up smashing his spine into something, and the next thing you know, you've got like a 22 year old up on a table at Applebee's wiping its thighs. Not me. Not me. I'm leaving it there. Me too. Sorry. This is where you and I part ways, Justin. But Dad, I'm like, hey, you should have thought of that before you jumped out of that tree. Got 22 good years. You're lucky it went this far, pal. All right? I'm not wiping your ass anymore. You're all grows up. You're all grows up. We're done here. Put. Dad, I'm sorry. I know this is tough, but maybe a little tough level you'll pop up on those feet again. And if I leave you here. But I can't. I can't imagine that. Look, it's not the handicapped person's fault. It's the. Again. New rule. If you take a. At dinner, dinner's over. Any at home, a barbecue outside, it's over. If you. Whoops. Hey, I just. My pants. Everyone, I'll be right back. The last thing I want to hear from somebody who just took a dump in their pants is I'll be right back. No. Chris Gilbert at Mesa Community College was giant fat kid and sat next to a guy named Mark. Not the. Not the same Mark I always talk about. A different guy. One of Father Dale's victims and Chris. We had a seven to ten o' clock class at Mesa Community College. And Chris comes waddling in. He was a 5,000 pound man. And he sits down one of those desks at MCC you don't fit in. And about 15 minutes into the class, he leans over Mark Olson and says, any given time I can fart. You just let me know when you want one. All right, Gilbert. Now, we all went to Dobson together. So this was our little click inside this Mesa Community College three hour night class. And Gilbert is sitting there. And so Olson goes, hey, Gilbert, give me one. Gilbert starts straining, starts launching. And then up his back, he stood up and grabbed the desk. Cause he was stuck in it because he was so fat he couldn't slip out real fast. Picked the desk up and kind of waddled away up his back. He rooster tails a shot right up the spine. And then he comes back two hours later in new clothes. For the last like 35 minutes of class. I'd never returned. I'M like, how. How are you showing fate? We couldn't stop laughing for three solid hours. Nobody knew but us. We were in the back of the room. He'd take the desk with him to the desk. He walked out to the hal. Because he was so. He was one of those, you know, back in the. Oh, this is not true anymore. When I brought this up, like back in the my day, the olden days, there was one fat guy per class. Now. Oh yeah, that's all there is. But you know, the one humongous fat kid and he walked out into the hallway with it. He couldn't fit in the desk real good, so it was stuck. And he couldn't just like you. And I could just pop out and run away like, oh my God. I just rooster tailed up my back. But again, I'm dropping out of college. Yeah, it's not that I'm not going back to that class. I'm never going back to that college again. I could have had a full ride to Harvard if I did that. I'm. I'm done at Harvard. I'm dropping out. I'll be going to Glendale Community, the other side of town. Right where it's accepted. Yeah, I thought you were going to Harvard. Oh, I dropped out because I took it. Math. I took a dump in math. I rooster tailed up my own yellow shirt. It was a yellow shirt. I'll never forget it. Yeah, it was a bright yellow. Like only a fat guy would wear this color. It was a yellow Latigre or something. It wasn't even like. It was like a Mervyn's brand polo. And it was right up, right up the back. Like somebody took Yoohoo and just went splat on his back. You know that artist that paints Jimi Hendrix and just throws paint at the thing? That's exactly what his back looked like. Anyway, so we told him, go home, get out of here, would you? Come back. Oh, cleaned up. I took a shower. I'm like, oh, forget God's sakes. For the last 30 minutes. Just came back. And then Olson hits him again with give me another one. Well, you need to do it. But that's it. You don't come back. You take a dump at dinner. You just, you just dismiss yourself from the evening. That's enough. Nobody wants to see you giant changing tables. You know where I most fear that it's going to be like sporting events, Crowded bathrooms where we all have to act like it's not happening. I don't want to see that, frankly. I don't want to See, most people nude, grown up. I especially don't want to see someone crippled, naked, laid out in their own feces. That's just that that's humiliation beyond. Sure, we'll have a video on it later, but we all know ALS math different, though. That's the. Yeah, well, it's humiliation. Like if we're drunk and just. And you decide to. And I can't control myself because I'm too drunk, and you toss me up on the changing table and we start playing a game. I'm laughing to where I might take a dump, but. And also, I'm gonna kill you when I sober up because. Brought up something. What about out at Blockbuster, Desert Sky? How many adult changing tables are they gonna need out there? Because we've been at shows. Our show. Exactly. Our shows. Where there's five guys in the bathroom that are in their own. Whatever. They're in their feces. Oh, yeah. I've never seen it. I don't think. Seen them in the stalls taking dumps or they're sleeping. See, I think it'll be used at, like, a concert venue as a bed. Like, dudes will fold that down and just go to sleep because they're too drunk. I don't think there's much need for it. Yeah, I don't. I don't think we're. I don't think there's so many people actually. Their pants that we. That we need to spend money to have adult folding tables. And then the people with the. You know, the lady in the article was basically saying, well, it's. Finally we can start going out. And I'm like, if the one thing that keeps you from going to restaurants is too much, then. Then you don't go out. It's not the table you've always wanted. You can't go anymore. That's. That's what you sacrifice. That's what the beauty of doordash is. You know, set up a little space outside or at a park. And doordash. And if the person you're with takes a huge dump. Fertilizer. Yeah. Pour their pants out, put them in the car, and go home. John, it feels like we're trying to make fetishes socially acceptable. I'm all for your weird crap, but can you keep it in your own house? Yes. And again, I don't. I feel for you. You've got somebody you got to take care of all the time. And a dinner's nice, but, you know, like, a good whore knows to metamucil the day before anal. I've talked to hookers. They, they know what they're doing. They're like, oh, Friday's anal day, so Thursday's Metamucil day. Like, is that a thing? Uh huh. I've got one client that calls me on Friday. He wants that. So I Metamucil and cleanse the system so she knows to go out, do that to Stephen Hawking, load him up with some Metamucil, have him drain. Don't feed them. It's like a dog. You don't feed a dog at 10 at night, it's gonna wake up and you're gonna poop in your house. You just know better. I don't know. I'm not telling you how to raise somebody who's handicapped, but I'm telling you how to do it better than this. If you've ever, if you ever in your future fold down an adult changing table, just kill yourself. Or the thing you're watching now, just kill yourself. You shouldn't be in that situation. You, you know that's on you. You brought yourself yourself in that situation. I just don't, I don't think the problem's big enough to necessitate tables everywhere. I've never seen it. Let's get to the real hurt here. Your fear is missing this morning. You don't want to change Brady on a, on a table anywhere in your building. Imagine if they install one in your building. Imagine the structural power of that table. Jesus couldn't build the table that good. Second, if Brady takes a dump in his pants, Brady is on his own. You think? We're so close. Yeah, this is a marriage, this whole Brady John thing. But yeah, he takes a dump. Brady, he's not obligated. Brady's sitting in his own orange rust pretty much every morning anyway. You think I'm going in there and spot checking that call braddle and up to take care of it. I wouldn't put Bradley through that at all. Or one of our promo kids. And I can tell you right now, I have a feeling for the right price, Brattle want to wipe all our asses. Those people downstairs don't make a penny. The sales people do. But the thing she's doing, it's slave labor. What they got going on down there with Brattle. If I told Brattle and I'm like, hey, Brattle, and Brady took another dump in his drawers, will you lay him out on the incredibly structurally sound changing table and wipe his ass? Because he's incapable. He's kind of like a bull that you've been wanting to ride can tell. Yeah, yeah. I'll tell you right now. The price is high. Of course it is, Brad. What are we looking at? 250. Why don't you just hand over the credit card, Bradlin, I don't understand. Now, this is not. This is above my pay scale. But there she'd be holding Brady's giant cankles with one hand and a thumb and a pinky. Holding them up in the air while it's just straight up. And he's doing this the most. He stretched his hamstrings and years while she just cleans up the crevice. Arizona's most powerful rock radio station, he said. Fully erected.