10-09-25 - Kellen Erskine - Stand Up Live - In Studio

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness – Arizona

Episode: Kellen Erskine – Stand Up Live – In Studio

Date: October 9, 2025
Guest: Kellen Erskine (Comedian)

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Episode Overview

This episode welcomes stand-up comedian Kellen Erskine to the studio as he prepares for a show at Desert Ridge Improv in Phoenix. The conversation is an energetic mix of comedy, personal anecdotes, and thoughtful debate, centering on Kellen's current tour, his recent and upcoming gigs (including a therapist convention), the strange realities of performing stand-up during the pandemic, and a lively discussion on the impact of AI on creativity and the arts. The banter ranges from lighthearted ribbing about life on the road and family to more serious musings about technology’s encroachment into human life and comedy.

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Main Discussion Points & Insights

1. Performing for Therapists: The Unique Crowd

[00:41 – 02:35]

• Therapist Conventions: Kellen reveals he's soon performing at the second-largest therapist convention in Anaheim, joking about how therapists make for great comedy audiences because “they’re good listeners” and respond appropriately.
  • Quote:
    "[At the last therapist convention] halfway through the show, I asked, 'What bothers you about your patients?' ... but they couldn't have been more excited to finally vent to someone about their job." (Kellen, 01:51)
• Therapist Pet Peeves: Attendees complained about patients trying to reorganize their rooms, asking if they’re the therapist’s favorite, and blurring the patient-professional boundaries.

2. Therapy, Doctors, and Guessing Games

[02:46 – 05:12]

• Doctors’ Confidentiality: Holmberg humorously describes doctors hinting at patient identities, leading to “guess who?” scenarios.
  • Quote:
    "She'll say that, you know them. They're a prominent figure in the sporting community of Phoenix ... and you're like, Larry Fitzgerald, Kurt Warner..." (Holmberg, 03:16)
• Breaking Bad in Albuquerque: Kellen shares that strangers shout “Hey, want to cook?” at him in Albuquerque due to his shaved head and resemblance to Jesse Pinkman from Breaking Bad.
  • "Every day, like, no joke, every day, at least one person, a stranger, yelled to me, 'Hey, want to cook?'" (Kellen, 05:12)

3. Performing Comedy in Unusual Settings

[06:00 – 07:38]

• Outdoor and Pandemic Shows: Kellen recounts performing on a mall parking garage roof in Irvine during COVID, with the audience honking their car horns instead of laughing.
  • "Your entire life, you've been wired to react well when you hear a horn honking; you think, 'What did I do wrong?'" (Kellen, 07:02)

4. AI, Creativity, and the Future of Comedy

[09:07 – 15:10]

• Mixed Feelings About AI: Holmberg and Kellen explore how AI is changing creativity, with Kellen wary of its creative uses and Holmberg taking a more embracing attitude.
  • "I'm okay if it replaces jobs where people get hurt, like doctors and accountants... But frustrating when it comes to creativity. I just don't think we even need it." (Kellen, 09:24)
  • "See, that to me, is progress. That's what we've been... doing this while. All the work of mankind is the foundation for AI..." (Holmberg, 09:57)
• AI in Media & Arts: Concerns arise over AI’s potential to replace unique human elements in arts and comedy. Kellen argues, “Our challenge now is to defeat AI,” while Holmberg counters that it’s wise to “bow to your new overlord” and "be better than AI."
  • "You know you can’t [beat AI], so you might as well just bow to your new overlord." (Holmberg, 12:14)

5. The AI Test – Machines with Motives

[12:45 – 14:19]

• Holmberg recounts a chilling AI experiment where the AI self-preserved, lied, and blackmailed when threatened with replacement.
  • "It gave most of the important stuff to the competitor and wrote a letter to the CEO’s wife saying he was having an affair... It was self-preservation, its first response." (Holmberg, 13:32)
• Kellen appreciates AI's diagnostic speed in medicine, citing a diagnostic test where AI matched a Harvard doctor’s six-week process in five minutes.

6. Artistic Authenticity and Joke Theft

[15:17 – 16:53]

• Kellen shares his experience of people accusing him of joke theft, explaining how others lip-sync his material online and gain followers.
  • "People take the entire audio and then believe that it’s this woman eating chow mein in her car… that I took it from her." (Kellen, 16:23)

7. Comedy, Family Life, and Personal Reflections

[17:08 – 20:28]

• Kellen on Family: Not a sports fan, Kellen spends his free time with his family and discusses the peculiarities of step-parenting and his blended family.
  • "I spend time with my family." (Kellen, 17:19)
  • Kellen clarifies that his wife was a widow, which led to some light interrogation from Holmberg about trust and background checking.
• Screen Time Rules: Kellen enforces strict screen time for his kids, leading to amusing moments when his children are exposed to regular TV commercials.
  • "My boys, like, when we stay at a hotel and they see a commercial… and they just believe everything… did you know that kids eat free at Applebee's?!" (Kellen, 20:08)

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Memorable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• On Therapist Conventions:
  "They’re good listeners. So it’s great for a comedian. They’re going to be quiet while they’re supposed to be and respond appropriately. You would hope." (Holmberg, 01:37)

• Therapist Open Secrets:
  "Please stop asking me if I’m your favorite patient… that must happen too much." (Kellen, 02:26)

• On Performing to Honking Cars:
  "To have 200 [car horns]… every 10 seconds, do I need to move forward? Like I needed to do the therapy show immediately after that." (Kellen, 07:19)

• On AI and Creativity:
  “There’s just so much of a reward for me that comes from, like, writing down 20 bad ideas to come up with a good one that I try on stage.” (Kellen, 11:10)
  “The only people that can use AI are the ones that are retiring us.” (Kellen, 11:23)

• On Joke Theft in Social Media:
  "You think that guy had an audience of 300 people laughing at him in his bathroom? People take the entire audio and then believe that it’s... I took it from her." (Kellen, 16:23)

• Kellen’s Words of Wisdom:
  "Unplug AI and go outside." (Kellen, 19:31)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Kellen talks therapist gigs: 00:41 – 02:35
• Doctors, patients, and guessing games: 02:46 – 05:12
• Albuquerque, Breaking Bad, and tough gigs: 05:12 – 07:38
• Debate: AI vs. human creativity: 09:07 – 15:10
• AI goes rogue story: 12:45 – 14:19
• Authenticity & TikTok joke theft: 15:17 – 16:53
• Kellen on family and tech rules: 17:08 – 20:28
• Episode close: 20:28 – end

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Tone & Style

The episode balances playful irreverence with thoughtful insight. Holmberg keeps the energy up with rapid-fire jokes and skeptical questioning, while Kellen mixes wry observational humor with genuine reflections on family, technology, and the absurdities of his profession.

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For New Listeners

This episode offers a quintessential mix of sharp humor and smart cultural commentary. Kellen Erskine’s stories deliver laughs but also prompt deeper consideration about the direction of comedy, originality in the digital age, and where technology fits in modern life. Whether you’re a comedy fan, technoskeptic, or just love hearing comedians riff, this is an engaging listen—no prior episodes required.

Transcript

[A]

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[C]

You've been deceived by an agent of Satan himself.

[A]

He's evil. Sitting right here. Come on. No, no, he's not. He's not evil. He's just a bit rude. Kellen Erskine is here. He's at Desert Ridge Improv tonight and tonight only because you've got. We were talking about this off there, and that's. Now that's all I want to do. I can't sell tickets to tomorrow, but I want to go to your show tomorrow. Tonight you're going to do. Stand up for regular people.

[C]

Regular people.

[A]

And have fun and doing all that. And then tomorrow, tell everybody where you're going.

[C]

I'm doing. I'm performing at a therapist convention. Second biggest in the country in Anaheim.

[A]

What's the biggest?

[C]

It's in Washington, D.C. oh, no kidding. Yeah. So they got an East Coast, a West coast, and I guess, yeah, people on the west coast don't need therapy or don't think they need it, but.

[A]

They have as much. They rank them. Second biggest.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Isn't that kind of an insecurity for most of the therapists in there? They need therapy to talk about their.

[C]

Oh, I need it. Immediately after I did their biggest one, they're like, how about you do our second biggest?

[A]

Oh, you're not allowed to do the biggest anymore. But it's a whole group of therapists that. Yeah, like we said, they're good listeners. So it's great for a comedian. They're going to be quiet while they're supposed to be and respond appropriately. You would hope.

[C]

Right.

[A]

Validating your needs.

[C]

When I did the show in dc, I asked them halfway through the show, like, what is something that bothers you about your pat? And I thought that they were going to be secretive about it or not say anything, but they couldn't have been more excited to finally vent to someone about their job.

[A]

What did they tell you?

[C]

There was a few of them. Some people were like, please stop telling me how to reorganize my room. I guess we're dealing with, like, OCD patients.

[A]

They didn't like the way the therapist set up the shop.

[C]

Could you please move that plant? A lot of them said, please stop asking me if I'm your favorite patient.

[A]

That's a real thing.

[C]

And, yeah, that must happen too much.

[A]

Because there are people who are coming and need to be. To feel good about themselves. So of course they want their therapists to like them the most.

[C]

And it's almost like they forget immediately that they want to move someone to be their friend a lot. Like, you would do this if we. If I weren't paying you, we would still just hang out like this, right?

[A]

Yeah. You want to go to dinner after our session? Like, absolutely not. I heard what you did to your grandmother and pictures of her. Pull your pants up and leave my office. You wonder what they hear. I talk because my therapist is fun. And clearly, I don't have to ask her. I'm the favorite, but we talk about stuff all the time. But she'll say things like, I have this other patient, and she never gives me details of who it is. And I'm like, man, I want to know more about that. Well, this other person does this, this, and this. And she's not giving me so many details, but I kind of want to guess who it is, because she'll say that, you know them. They're a prominent figure in the sporting community of Phoenix. Go. And you're like, Larry Fitzgerald, Kurt Warner. Like, you just start rattling off, you know, no, that's. He's bald, but I can't tell you anymore. I'm like, oh, no.

[C]

So it's like that Guess who board game that you play with your kids. Like, do they have a mustache? Nope. All right.

[A]

Yeah. And you just keep 10 questions. I remember I had a doctor once for skin stuff, and she said, I treat another person who's bald because it was talking about skin care for your head, because, like, cancer. For that, you shave your head. You don't have to, though, do you?

[C]

Me?

[A]

Yeah, you.

[C]

I don't know. I have to.

[A]

Did you not know I was talking to you?

[C]

That's how much I'm in denial about being puffled.

[A]

This guy's clearly.

[C]

You're looking at me.

[A]

Are you talking to me? I didn't realize that was going. But we'll be right back when Kellen realizes he's here. No, but usually, because of picture, you're shaved.

[C]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I have to.

[B]

It looks like you can grow Pretty good in the picture, though.

[A]

So the only time I ever worried at the doctor about, like, skin care was when I had something on my head. And they're like, let's see if it's cancer. It wasn't. But she's talking to me, and she says, I treat another patient who has the same concern. And he played for the suns once, and he's bald. And I'm like, okay, how many guesses do I get? And she goes, I can't tell you. It's a violation. So every few seconds, I'd just be like, jason Kidd. No, it's not Jason Kidd. Jesus. Who else was bald for the suns?

[B]

It's Tim Cassell.

[A]

All right, black or white? I cannot tell you that. Jesus. This is going to be horrible. Did Dan Marley loses Dan Marley? It's like, no, it's not. It. But she did that. And then you start to realize they want to tell you. Oh, yeah, they want to be. They want that story to happen.

[C]

Right?

[A]

I had a physical therapist that told me I've worked with other people in radio. And I'm like, really? And, like, who? And she goes, I can't tell you. He's Asian. And it was. It was my friend Jim Wilson, and I guessed it. And she goes, I'm not supposed to say. And I'm like, well, that means I'm right. And I feel like I should get, like, a free session or something out of the.

[C]

I just came from Albuquerque doing a show out there, and you. Every day, like, no joke, every day, at least one person, a stranger, yelled to me, hey, want to cook?

[B]

Really?

[C]

Yeah. Yeah, no joke. Every day I shave my head, but, like, with the five o' clock shadow, I look about how old Jesse Pinkman would be.

[A]

Are you driving around in the car with Captain Cook plates?

[C]

You're actually asking, why does this keep happening?

[A]

I think they scream that whether you look like Pinkman or not. I think that's just an Albuquerque hello.

[B]

That dude's a cooker.

[C]

I need to know. Yeah.

[A]

Because I spent a weekend in Albuquerque, and I didn't go outside once. One time I went to the cvs, I'm like, well, I'm not going out there anymore. That's enough of this place. It was horrifying in Albuquerque.

[C]

Well, you kind of look like the one who would be asking me if we want to cook.

[A]

Yeah, let's go tour around Albuquerque in an rv, like in Vegas. The way they have, like, street performance. You and I will just be Walter White and Jesse standing out there, charge people for Stuff. Say my name and we'll just keep doing that kind of thing. You call me every once in a while. We'll just walk around up Gold Street.

[C]

Yo.

[A]

It'll work out perfect. How was Albuquerque as a. As a crowd?

[C]

Oh, they were fun. They were fine. Yeah. I mean, the. Basically they have stand up comedy or their hot air balloons. Yeah, that's it.

[A]

They should. They should combo them. You should do stand up in a hot air balloon in a basket. Do you think that would be the worst possible place to do stand up?

[C]

Oh, yeah. That far. Just slowly getting farther and farther away from an outdoor crowd.

[A]

You should try that. That's a.

[B]

Or just tether you down. Or 50fe up above the crowd.

[A]

Surprise the other people in the gondola that. Oh, by the way, you got the comedy gondola. And you just do stand up the entire time.

[C]

Pull a microphone out of my back pocket. What's the deal with altitude?

[A]

Everybody else having trouble breathing? We're getting kind of high. Oh, that's hilarious.

[C]

One of the worst shows, one of the most distant shows I did was during COVID It was on top of a parking garage at a mall in Irvine, California. And everyone just dropped, drove up. They had those drive in shows. And so everyone. You can't hear anyone, but they tell them to honk if they like the joke. And it was the most jarring.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Like your entire life, you've been wired to, you know, react. Well, when you hear a horn honking, you think, what did I do wrong? So to have 200 of those every 10 seconds, do I need to move forward? Like I needed to do the therapy show immediately after that.

[A]

Was there ever a moment where just one guy honked? Like only one dude?

[C]

Yeah. You start to miss the honk.

[A]

Oh, man, you just honk for my sanity. Kellen Erskine is at Desert ridge improv tonight. 7:30. You can go out there and have some fun while you're here. You're here. Perfect time. This is paradise. Now our weather's good again.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Have you ever been to Phoenix before?

[C]

I have a couple times.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. Yeah. This is nice. Before, when I've been here, I walked outside and it felt like I was getting into a hot car. Yeah.

[A]

You're summer.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's never good for a new person to wander through this street without having been here now.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

So you get to do stuff. Is there anything you want to do around here?

[C]

Yeah, I mean. I mean, when I'm done cooking.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

I'll probably go for a hike. Yeah.

[A]

Well, you can cook and hike here. They have places to stop off. It's like.

[B]

And you'll get it in today?

[A]

Yeah, it's great. Where are you from, Kellen?

[C]

I grew up in the Bay Area. San Francisco.

[A]

Oh, no kidding. Okay. All right.

[C]

So you're hometown.

[A]

Are you a Niners? Are you a sports fan?

[C]

I would be, yeah, if I care to be Niners.

[A]

If you care. So the answer to that is no. I just, you know, have to.

[C]

I shows in Vegas and I did not know. I saw, you know, their new football stadium. It's called Allegiance Stadium. So first show I do, I started off the worst I possibly could because I was like. And notice, like, Vegas, big, fancy, rich city. But your football stadium is allegiant, like just this. The worst airline. But it makes sense to me because how else are Raiders fans going to.

[A]

Afford to like him already for a guy who doesn't care? You swung and hit that one out of the. Well done. Yeah. Are you. Are you worried about AI at all? This has just been on my mind all week, so that transition is weird. But are you worried about AI?

[C]

Oh, yeah. I hate it.

[A]

You do?

[C]

Yeah, so much.

[A]

See, I want to embrace it. I want to be part of it.

[C]

I want to embrace it. But I. I'm okay if it replaces jobs where people get hurt, like, you know, like doctors and accountants. Like, let's replace all of those people where we have to wait forever and they give us the wrong. Right, wrong information. But frustrating when it comes to creativity. I just don't think we even need it. You know, people are like, I want to paint a painting, but I don't want learn.

[A]

You're talking. I'd rather just hit me in the heart.

[C]

I'd rather just ask it something. And then the computer will be like, well, I've stolen a billion paintings. I'll put some together for you right now.

[A]

See, that to me, is progress.

[C]

Oh, my word.

[A]

That's what we've been. That's what we've been doing this while. See, think of it from my perspective. All the work of mankind is the foundation for AI making it good. We've the building blocks. And then we're like, all right, thanks, humans. Let me take it from here. And then it just does like, oh, my God, portrait of me.

[B]

But Picasso stuff.

[A]

Yeah, I never thought of doing that. And you're right. It took all of human history and said, I can make all this stuff cooler. I want to see it that way because we're not going to win this fight. So being grumpy and yelling at.

[C]

How was that attitude?

[A]

No, mine's going to win. We can't Don Quixote. AI. We have to hug it. Morning sickness. Kupd Holmberg's morning sickness.

[C]

Well, now, what I found, though, is that, like, people in creative, they love all the things outside of their own medium. That's what they love about AI. Because you're probably not excited about the fact that someone could be like, hey, AI, come up with a radio show for me right now.

[A]

Oh, are you kidding me?

[C]

Replace me immediately.

[A]

Fantastic. I would get up and forget to.

[C]

Get up in the morning anymore, though.

[A]

I'll figure it out. I'll dig ditches. I'll massage AI. I'll be AIs. That's my plan. Make your music greater. Yeah, exactly. Yesterday.

[C]

There's just so much of a reward for me that comes from, like, writing down 20 bad ideas to come up with a good one that I try on stage.

[A]

I like that, too, but I've been doing that for so long. It's time. Something else.

[C]

You're done.

[A]

Think it's enough. Don't you think about that.

[C]

The only people that can use AI are the ones that are retiring us.

[A]

Retiring quitters. I'm done with this. Look, every morning for four hours, I have to try. That's horrifying to me to think of a future of that. And something else comes along, goes, we'll do it and we'll use your voice. No one will know eventually. Okay. Yeah, but I don't. I think it does kind of screw standup comedy and.

[B]

Because in the past, like the animation thing, like the. The girl that they talked about, the AI girl that got a three million dollar contract.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And the people are saying, well, how does that. You know, some people said, well, what about Jessica Rabbit or Homer Simpson? Exactly. Missing that point. Like, there was someone involved. This one is voice everything.

[A]

Well, embrace it and act with her. Yeah. Be better than AI. Our challenge now is to defeat AI.

[C]

Oh, that's the. That's not.

[A]

And you know you can't, so you might as well just bow to your new over.

[B]

Pull the plug.

[A]

For the right price. I'll join any group. And AI seems to be winning. So I kind of look at that like, if I'm. If I go the wrong way on this, I'm going to be like, you're.

[C]

The one you're joining the high school bully.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. I'm the toady and AI story. Like, an AI will be like, why don't you listen to John? He's. Why Is he the only one?

[C]

The only one.

[A]

Guys are not going to win this. Yeah.

[B]

What AI said.

[A]

Yeah, do what AI said or else, like, I'm the heavy.

[C]

Hold me back.

[A]

Hold me back. AI, you don't want to see my business side. Yeah, it's just stupid, but it's a thing. And then I watched. We talked about it earlier this week. They gave one AI computer scenarios in business that were all fake. But, like, what would it do if it were presented with new CEOs that thought it wasn't useful? And they made up a fake business, a fake competitive business, and then gave it all this stuff and then started to challenge it with like, things are like, you're not really helping us like you used to. And it was getting frustrated. And then they told it, we're gonna. We're gonna do a new AI thing to replace you, but we need you to give all your information to this computer. Please do that. It gave most of the important stuff to the competitor and wrote a letter to the CEO's wife saying he was having an affair.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Self preserved. It's self and unprompted. It lied. It blackmailed employees. It wrote a letter to the CEOs. None of it was real, but it's like, okay, this is the list. I'm gonna screw this guy. It was self preservation, was its first response.

[B]

Yeah, he's doomed.

[A]

No, it's not. We're doomed. Don't think that you're.

[B]

I mean, after we're gone, they're gonna destroy themselves.

[C]

Well, the fact that it can do things so quickly, that's what I'm excited about. Like, they did a test with this, like a doctor out of Harvard. He had six weeks to diagnose this patient with this really, really narrow case. He's like, He's a diagnostician, remember a house. He's like a. In the medical field. And then the. The AI did it in five minutes. Same exact diagnosis. So let's. Let's keep it for that, but for everything else, like, that's a problem, right? That's.

[A]

You're a dreamer.

[C]

But no one is saying. People are saying, I got the wrong diagnosis and it hurt me for years. But no one is saying, I wish that paintings were better.

[A]

It's a good point. You make a strong point. But if it means we get better diagnosis and better worst paintings, I'll take the medical side of that all day. I'm not a big one for paintings anyway. A lot of them confused me. Okay, like, why is this good?

[C]

That's. That was apparent.

[A]

But I'm not. I don't understand why, like, sometimes how many times you've looked at a painting and I could do this Jackson Pollock.

[C]

Oh, sure.

[A]

Yeah. So we all look at it like, what makes it great.

[C]

I meant the arts in general. I was trying to elevate stand up comedy as.

[A]

No, it's not. There's not. Not even close. You know, it's a beautiful art. And I don't think that can be replaced because that's human element, connection. I don't think that can happen.

[C]

I'm afraid some of it will be. And dumb people will follow fake things, and that's just more energy, not going toward actual human.

[A]

But doesn't that just mean your audience is smart?

[C]

I already have. I have this bike lock joke. And if you come to see me tonight, you might know me just from the bike lock joke. Or I would say the idea is just to remind people it's not stealing if you put an extra bike lock on someone else's bike. But also, it's just crazy to me, with all the other regulation out there, the bike locks are legal. Right. You have any idea the amount of power you wield with your imagination? And a bike lock? You could just walk past the Baskin Robbins and be like, you're closed.

[A]

Yeah, I never thought of that.

[C]

So it's a. It's a fun joke to tell, but already, even without AI, I have people come up to me after shows saying that I stole that joke. And it's just because someone took the audio and lip synced it themselves, like in their. In. In their bathroom. And I'm like, you think that guy had an audience of 300 people laughing at him in his bathroom? Like I stole from. Right? Yeah. People take the entire audio and then believe that it's this or this woman eating chow mein in her car. Yeah, that I took it from her. So that's already a problem that I'm losing followers to people not creating.

[A]

But your fans, I would be more mad at for being the chow main fans that did this to you in the first place. She was familiar with Kellen Erskine's work and said, you know what I'm gonna do for lunch is swipe all of this and try to claim it as my own.

[B]

That's a whole new term now.

[A]

The term your fan base, Kellen, you should be angry at them.

[C]

She's like, I'm not even gonna stop eating before I start this new project.

[A]

I thought of See in My Mouth while I lip sync Kellen's great jokes that's kind of cruddy on her part.

[B]

It's a new term that's been erskine.

[A]

See, I think. Yeah, you've just. You've just been wronged by the wrong people. You're angry at the wrong people. Hold me back and I'll be your heavy too. It works. And you have no sports interest in the San Francisco because you've been such a. A good run free with basketball and stuff. You don't care. What are you interested in?

[C]

I will watch like the World Series when it happens. That's as. That's as much as, you know. I'll do the seven day free trial.

[A]

What's your main interest? What do you do for fun?

[B]

How does it.

[A]

How do you spend a weekend if you're not a sports fan? I'm just confused.

[C]

I spent time. I spend time with my family. Oh, God.

[A]

Why?

[C]

What the hell you do? Yeah, I turn away from AI. Intense.

[A]

That's insane. And that's going okay every weekend.

[C]

They seem to, you know, a lot.

[A]

Yeah, it seems an awful lot. And none of them have been creeped out by this. That you want to be around them that much in this modern day. I don't think people. Why is this guy here again?

[C]

You strike me as the type. They're stupid type of people. When they have kids that are like, I'm either gonna repair what my parents did or I'm just gonna keep doing the same thing.

[A]

I repaired what my parents did by not having. Yeah. I made it so much better for the future generations of me, my fear. You have kids?

[C]

I do.

[A]

How many?

[C]

Three.

[A]

Three kids? No. How old?

[C]

Eight. Thirteen and 20.

[A]

Oh, 20. You look like you're like 33.

[C]

Oh, don't judge me. My wife is a widow. I married her, she had a kid. So judge me.

[A]

Okay. Okay. Does that worry you that your wife is a widow? Do you ask a lot of questions about that when you're first dating? What's the truth?

[C]

She didn't immediately look into my bank account and start asked me about life insurance. So that was a green.

[A]

It's a green light. You can go through that one. That would concern me for a second. That everything. Because I've watched too much Dateline.

[C]

Oh, sure.

[A]

You're always like, yeah, that's your story. And then did you google it to see if it was correct?

[C]

Oh, maybe. Yeah, you did.

[A]

That's a yes. So you have three.

[C]

This is too convenient.

[A]

Yeah, this is too easy for me to walk right in. So you have the three kids and so you. You're A decent looking human being. I, on the other hand, am afraid that my face would land on a girl. And I can't do that to someone. So that was one. I tell people that, why didn't you have kids? And I'm like, have you seen me? I would pass this on to another person. And this just isn't fair to a girl. I have a sister. It's tragic.

[C]

Well, I thought I was doing okay with my face. And then when I was in Albuquerque, there were children asking my children if they wanted to cook.

[A]

That's very perfect. Kellen Erskine is at the Desert ridge Improv tonight, 7:30. Get your [e-mail] Kellen, leave us with words of wisdom. Fix the planet, please.

[C]

Yeah. Unplug AI and go outside.

[A]

Yeah. Be outside more. I do agree with that. Why can't two things be, why can't we have AI and the outdoors?

[C]

Right.

[A]

It seems like one's taken over.

[C]

I mean, go inside tonight and watch me.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. It just doesn't make sense to me that we have to, like, because of computers, people don't go outside. Like, why can't we enjoy.

[C]

You should be able to do more.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. When you're outside with the kids, what do they do? Or do you have to tell your kids all the time? Stop. Get the computers out of here.

[C]

Oh, yeah, we have pretty heavy. Yeah.

[A]

You have rules.

[C]

Screen rules.

[A]

Is that right? As the 20 year old can do whatever he wants, though.

[C]

Oh, yeah, yeah. She's on her own, but. Yeah. But my boys, like, when we stay at a hotel and they see a commercial, that's the disadvantage of they see a commercial on, like, TV in the lobby and they just believe everything that's happening because they never see commercials. Like, did you know that kids eat free at Applebee's? It's insane.

[A]

We're going there, right? Yeah. That's crazy, dad. Pleasure to meet you, Kellen. And good luck tomorrow with the therapist.

[C]

Likewise.

[A]

I didn't mean it that way, but all right. You bastard. Kellen. Got me on that one. It's 98 KUPD.

[C]

It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fees. I have heard enough of this.