10-27-25 - Hot Air Balloon Crashed Into House Making Us Think They're Not That Romantic - Couple Breaks Into Mon Cherie Restaurant Has Sex In Front Of Rose Wall - 13yo In New Zealand Ate 20 Magnets Trying To Get Things To Stick To Him

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona

Episode: 10-27-25 - Hot Air Balloon Crashed Into House Making Us Think They're Not That Romantic...

Date: October 27, 2025
Hosts: John Holmberg, Brady Bogen, Brett Vesely, Dick Toledo

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Episode Overview

This episode of Holmberg’s Morning Sickness is a comedic, candid exploration of recent news stories and personal anecdotes, all filtered through the irreverent banter of John Holmberg and his crew. The main theme: How seemingly romantic or innocent things—from hot air balloons to Instagram-friendly restaurants—often harbor unexpected risks, ridiculous stories, and questionable behavior. The guys riff on three headline stories:

1. A hot air balloon crash in Arizona;
2. A couple breaking into the Mon Cherie restaurant and having sex in front of the Instagram-famous Rose Wall;
3. A 13-year-old New Zealand boy who ate 100+ magnets to try to make metal objects stick to himself.

They also spiral into tangents about marriage, proposals, gendered expectations, restaurant shenanigans, and the enduring stupidity of humans (and their pets).

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Hot Air Balloons: Risky, Not So Romantic

Timestamps: 03:05–20:11

• Hot Air Balloon Crash in Marana: The episode kicks off as John and the crew react to a real incident—a hot air balloon crashed into an apartment complex, then ended up in a field. They reflect on the apparent unpredictability and danger of hot air balloon rides.
  • "How is this allowed with all these bubble wrapped human beings now?" – John (04:41)
• The Illusion of Romance: The hosts admit they once thought balloons were cool but now see them as risky, impractical, and a last-ditch attempt at romance for troubled marriages.
  • “Either my marriage is rekindled, or we hit some power lines. Either way, I’m out of this mess.” – John (07:32)
  • “It’s for proposals. And marriage is on the rocks.” – John (07:15)
• Personal Anecdotes: John shares a metaphorical satire about a couple on the brink, prepping for a hot air balloon ride in awkward sweatpants, grasping for romance.
  • "You're just creating a year from now... 'Whatever happened to the hot air balloon ride and all...'" – John (09:55)
  • "Never ever once have we done this... you watched a lot of television and then you land and she's happy and you get the BJ..." – John (11:41)
• Technical Concerns & Banter: The gang jokes about the lack of control, loose safety, wicker baskets, and dubious pilot qualifications.
  • “It’d have to be a Pier 1 Imports basket I have to go... Give me a protective steel cage.” – John (06:45)
  • “You can steer a blimp. This thing is just, like, at the mercy of wind. That sounds horrible.” – John (07:43)
• Cultural Commentary: Hot air balloons are lampooned as activities marketed toward women or as romantic traps, with guys being hapless “wooers.”

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2. Restaurant Sex Scandal at Mon Cherie

Timestamps: 20:11–33:36

• Story Recap: In Scottsdale, two people broke into Mon Cherie, stole a few hundred dollars, and had sex on camera in front of the Instagram-famous rose wall.
  • "They didn't share the sex video. But all the people at the... even the restaurant owners, 'we can't believe that.' That's just gross." – John (21:45)
• Restauranteur Realism: The hosts express disbelief over the owner's outrage, pointing out that hanky-panky at restaurants is common.
  • "Every restaurant in this city has had employees have sex in it. Every one of them." – John (22:20)
  • “Can’t prevent it. It’s happening. It’s in the walk-in freezer. Somebody stuck it in.” – Byron (22:20)
• Entertaining Anecdotes: John and the crew share workplace sex stories, including one about a fry-cook getting a coworker pregnant in a freezer, and another about “digits thrown while eating ribs.”
• On Mon Cherie’s Aesthetic: They theorize that building a restaurant to cater to romance (Instagram rose walls, champagne brunches) inevitably leads to this kind of behavior.
  • "You built a restaurant out of roses. Chicks are going to want to bang in that." – John (24:02)
• Meme-ification and New Traditions: The crew predicts this will become a running joke—posing “doggy style” in front of the rose wall for photos.

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3. The World’s Dumbest Boy: 13-Year-Old Magnet Eater

Timestamps: 33:49–43:58

• The Story: A 13-year-old in New Zealand ordered hundreds of magnets online and, in a bid to become ‘magnetic,’ swallowed over 100, requiring emergency surgery after they clumped and killed part of his intestine.
  • “His intestines started to, like, explode and move because the magnets are pushing him off. Oh. It cut off all the blood supply. And he kept him in there for a couple days, and it made the blood supply to his intestines die.” – John (34:36)
• The Crew Roasts: They mock the kid’s logic and the hypothetical family conversation in dark, deadpan style.
  • “He was doing it, evidently, to try to… If you have magnets inside you, pans and pots will slide across the room and jam against you.” – John (35:02)
  • "Why save him if you're the doctor? Wouldn't it be great if doctors looked and went, I'm doing the world a favor here.” – John (36:21)
• Parenting/Genetics Bit: They riff on parents contemplating whether to "keep" their idiot child or just "let nature take its course."
  • "I think it's time we gave him up. Melissa, I don't love him. I can't. He's too dumb." – John (42:32)
• Broader Message: The story is a launchpad for jokes about natural selection, "magnet challenges," and how some humans seem to lack basic survival instincts.

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4. Humans and Pets: Adventures in Stupidity

Timestamps: 47:46–55:16

• Pet Stories: The dialogue turns to pets that eat things they shouldn't—dogs swallowing rocks, razors, and the like—with comedic receipts about vet bills and owner frustration.
  • "My little Cairn terrier, Lexi... was on the couch shaking... she ate the whole (Dimetap) thing." – John (47:56)
  • "He would go out and just swallow river rocks. The dog's so dumb, he eats rocks the size of shoes." – John (52:21)
• Comparison: The hosts compare magnet-boy to these pets: “Well, maybe that magnet kid is the same way. He's just a cairn terrier, but he's 13.” – John (48:20)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• "Either my marriage is rekindled or we hit some power lines. Either way, I'm out of this mess." – John (07:32)
• "Every restaurant in this city has had employees have sex in it. Every one of them. You can't not do it. They're doing it." – John (22:20)
• "You built a restaurant out of roses. Chicks are going to want to bang in that." – John (24:02)
• "His intestines started to, like, explode and move because the magnets are pushing him off." – John (34:36)
• "Why save him if you're the doctor? Wouldn't it be great if doctors looked and went, I'm doing the world a favor here." – John (36:21)
• "I think it's time we gave him up. Melissa, I don't love him. I can't. He's too dumb." – John (42:32)
• "The dog's so dumb, he eats rocks the size of shoes." – John (52:21)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 03:05–20:11: Hot Air Balloons—Danger, Romance, and Barely Avoided Disaster
• 20:11–33:36: Mon Cherie Sex Scandal & Restaurant Romance (and Realities)
• 33:49–43:58: Magnet-Eating Kid—Stupidity, Surgery, Dark Parenting Jokes
• 47:46–55:16: Pet Antics—Dogs Eating Razors, Rocks, Magnet-Kid Parallels

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Tone and Style

No subject is too sacred for lampooning. The tone is consistently sarcastic, irreverent, and unfiltered—mixing observational humor, biting social commentary, and over-the-top banter. The conversational format allows for improvisational jokes, mock dialogues, and extended riffs.

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For New Listeners: The Takeaway

This episode is a rapid-fire, no-holds-barred roundtable about how the pursuit of romance and fun often collides with human folly—sometimes dangerously, sometimes hilariously. From flying in out-of-control hot air balloons to sexcapades in Instagram hotspots, and misguided kids seeking mutant powers, Holmberg’s Morning Sickness pokes fun at it all. If you like your morning news with a side of brash honesty and absurdist humor, tune in.

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Transcript

[Brett Vesely]

You're listening to the HMS podcast brought to you by MMP Guns.com, your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories. Hey, it's Brett Vesely and I'm here with Byron from MMP Guns. Look, Byron, I have a friend wanting to sell some guns he inherited. What's the best way for him to do that?

[Byron]

Brett, the last thing you want to do is sell the gun to someone who can't legally own one. Tell him not to put himself at risk and come into M and P Guns where he'll get a fair offer and he can rest easy knowing it's not getting into the wrong hands.

[Brett Vesely]

Okay, but what if he lives out of state?

[Byron]

Easy. Legalgunbuyer.com and he can do it online. It really that simple?

[Brett Vesely]

There you have it. MMP Guns or legalgunbuyer.com the safe and legal way to sell your firearms.

[John Holberg]

It's John Holberg here for my [e-mail] oh my goodness. My backyard is perfect now that I've turfed it. No mud, no maintenance, no sprinkler repair. No sprinklers. I have a lower water bill and I have a yard that looks perfect all year long. But that's not all. I've got a putting green, I've got a basketball play court. I've got an unbelievable situation and I owe it all to turf monsters. If you can dream up a backyard that you've always wanted, turf monsters is the place to call turf monsters a dot comberg's morning sickness. The old method of treatment for a person in this condition was to throw him in jail. Thank you very much, Katie and the hobs. That's miles to nowhere. And the 6 o' clock code word is over. 7 o'. Clock. We'll do another one. It'll be great. Guy says to me, hey, shout out to the jets for beating Brady's Bengals and winning me 645 on a $10 bet. And I have to thank you too, John. I almost took the $370 cash out, but I remember you guys telling Brady and Dale that cash outs are for pussies. That's right. Look what happened. You stuck to the bet you made. You walked out of there with 675 on a $10 bet. That's pretty awesome pulling that out of your ass.

[Byron]

He bailed out on a high out cash. 190 grand.

[John Holberg]

Well, he does a little bit bigger bets, but even still.

[Byron]

But what got me what bothered me says he won 190,000.

[John Holberg]

No, he did because they offered it to him. And then I don't know if it was a bailout and then he would have lost. I don't know if that's when he did. But those are the frustrating ones. When you take that buyout and then you end up winning what you took. You left half on the table. Some people can walk away with that. I'm not one of those people that can do it. It would have to be for 190 grand. I'm an idiot to not take that. I am a moron, though, because I remember betting on a Cubs brewers game about two years ago, and I had this lottery ticket going and it offered me, I think it was like one strike out away. It offered me seven or eight thousand bucks of the eleven. Like, no, this pitcher is going to get one more strikeout and I'm going to be fine. And as I was like, saying no to that, the offer went away. I'm like, ah. And of course, it's on a delay. And I looked up at the TV and for no reason whatsoever, David Ross, the coach of the Cubs, going out there to pull the pitcher. Oh, no, no, no. Let him throw to one more guy. Missed it by one strikeout.

[Brett Vesely]

Missed it by one.

[John Holberg]

And I didn't take the buyout. But it's not, you know, he only lost 100 bucks. Can't say I lost all that. Boy, that stinks. But congratulations to that guy. And a lot of people emailing Cam Scatterboo's ankle. I've seen it. That's enough. I understand that. That happens. And it's, you know, stop it. You know, it is the football season and all of our teams stink. And, you know, the Cardinals aren't good. So talking to the general public out there, a few of you've got your team still in the running. Congratulations to you. But the vast majority of people right now are starting to realize this season is just now for show and it probably not going to matter much in the end. So it's. You got to find other stuff to do. And it's the hot air balloon season. I watched about 20 of those as I was coming back yesterday from Sedona in the morning. They're everywhere. The weather's perfect for. It's a little warm now. You can't go up. I mean, you could go up right now. You'll probably see them popping up out there. But it is also the hot air balloon crash season because when you have hot air balloons, you have hot air balloon wrecks because inevitably one or two of them are going to catch a, catch a wave and they already. In Marana. It just started like a week ago. A hot air balloon ran into an apartment complex then bounced off of it and went to some fields. And everybody I guess is okay, I hope, I don't know but they're banging into stuff again. And I, and I've seen, I have a guy I at Tactical Black that chased. He's a balloon chase.

[Byron]

Yeah, it's amazing.

[John Holberg]

And I'm like what are you doing? He goes we guess. And he said, I'm like really? He goes we guess. He said we hope that we've got it figured out just right. But for the most part you just try not to fly over stuff like power lines, things like that. I'm like, how's. It's unavoidable that you're gonna. So but you're just trying to realize where the wind's going. Like what about still days? He goes, the best ones did you go up, you float about 35ft and you come right back. I'm like that's perfect. That sounds nice but I would not. I'm, you know we're talking about flying cars last week and how they're gonna start hitting power lines and stuff. It's amazing that we don't have more hot air balloon wrecks but there's a reason why and no one talks about it that hot air balloons. You know, we have 300 resorts in the Phoenix area and they all offer hot air balloon like excursions. Yeah, but, but you got to drive like an hour and a half out into the middle of nowhere because they're like, yeah, we can't do it with people. We don't know where this thing's going to end up. And it's, it's a. How is this allowed with all these bubble wrapped human beings now? They're afraid of everything. You can't get in your car anymore without it just constantly nagging you to put your seatbelt on like within a second. If you put your car in reverse and you've forgotten to put your seatbelt on for years. Backing out of a ping, bing, bing, bing. I'm getting to it.

[Byron]

How often are they dropping the ropes and just some, you know, out in the middle of nowhere. Hey, could you use your help?

[John Holberg]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry about that. We're going to land in here and then I go to. I've been, I lived in Albuquerque and I was a little kid and they used to float right over the houses just right to the mountain. It Was just this constant thing. But they crash here. And it scares the hell out of me when I see them, because I'm like, I used to think it would be fun to be in one. I have become horrified of it. I have. Yeah. Brady's face is saying it all. No interest.

[Byron]

I would have signed up a couple of years ago.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, me too. And I'm kind of like, no. Something seems, like just completely off on this whole deal. I don't know how it was even mesmerizing.

[Byron]

The last wicker basket I saw on fire.

[John Holberg]

Yeah.

[Byron]

Did not look that far.

[John Holberg]

And that's the thing, too.

[Byron]

Like, no chance either.

[John Holberg]

They haven't invented, like, a thing I can lay down in. In case it crashed. Like a steel box. It's not straight.

[Brett Vesely]

It's.

[John Holberg]

Why does it have to be a Pier 1 Imports basket that I have to go. Give me a protective steel cage like. Like we're going. Shark sightings, you know, Put one of those at the bottom.

[Byron]

Kevlar.

[John Holberg]

Yeah.

[Byron]

Just a light carbon fiber. I mean, a little more expensive, like.

[John Holberg]

A jail cell, but it can be, you know, and then if it smashes into apartments, you know, the apartment takes the hit.

[Brett Vesely]

That's a waste of time.

[John Holberg]

I agree with you.

[Brett Vesely]

What are you gonna do? I mean, you don't even know where the thing's gonna go.

[John Holberg]

Yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

You could wind up in Maryvale or something.

[John Holberg]

You know what it's for? It's for proposals. And marriage is on the rocks. I think that's basically all hot air balloons are now. It's like you go up and propose or you're trying to, like, rekindle. So you're doing romantic things, like what they do in the Bachelor.

[Brett Vesely]

You're just taking a chance. Taking a shot might wind up being okay. It may not. We may go west. We may go east.

[John Holberg]

Either my. Either my marriage is rekindled, or we hit some power lines. Either way, I'm out of this mess.

[Byron]

I might blimp.

[John Holberg]

I'd blimp way before it. Hotter.

[Brett Vesely]

It's just direction. You can choose which way you're going.

[John Holberg]

You can steer a blimp. This thing is just, like, at the mercy of wind. That sounds horrible. To get in, you have to know.

[Byron]

The wind, my friend.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. If somebody put a sail on your car and said, do you know how to do this? You're like, no. Good luck. You're at the mercy of wind. I don't get it. Ever been in a sailboat with somebody and there's no wind? They can still make it go hot. Air balloons. Like, I don't know, we get a.

[Byron]

Gust, we're going that way and go into the wind.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, but it was down in Tucson and the Marana police department said a hot air balloon hit an apartment complex Sunday morning at about 7:38. And then they found the balloon in a field. Little vacant field nearby where they're going to build apartments.

[Byron]

So you can't tack in a balloon like in a sailboat?

[John Holberg]

No, you got no sales. Build them different. I just, I, you know, I've. Something's happened to me in the last couple years where I look at hot air balloons as like one of the riskiest things of all time.

[Byron]

Skydiving.

[John Holberg]

I'd rather do that than hot air balloon because I'm in a vehicle that can steer and do stuff. And then you get skydiving and you're just falling. You're supposed to fall like. And they have a target, they fly you to it. You know where you're going to end up and you're not really at the mercy of the wind. Skydiving because. And then you got some dude strapped to your back that can kind of fly. I stopped being afraid of skydiving at least as a horrible. The only accident that can happen with skydiving is your chute doesn't deploy. That's pretty much it.

[Brett Vesely]

It's pretty bad.

[John Holberg]

It's pretty awful. But it's no different than if your airbags don't deploy and you're in a car accident. We take that risk all the time. You know, we're essentially hurtling through the air every day at like 70 miles an hour. So it's not that different when you think about it. But hot air balloons. Yeah, it's a chick thing to do. It's a. It's a bachelorette party.

[Byron]

Get your champagne. Flute of champagne.

[John Holberg]

I gotta tell ya.

[Byron]

Sunrise toast.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, that kind of crap. You gotta get up at 4 in the morning to tell your wife you love her still. And she's kind of 5050 on it anyway.

[John's Wife]

Maybe if he does this more often.

[John Holberg]

But really what you're doing is setting your future up for crap. Cause all you're doing is creating a year from now.

[John's Wife]

Whatever happened to the hot air balloon rise and all the. You were wooing me.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, I know. And I won. I got you back. Like I don't have to do that anymore. You used to blow me all the time to make sure I'd stick around and that would happen to. That blew me in a hot air balloon. Problem with that is you don't think about that, dude. Next to you. She's got good form, sir. It's good looking. It's a good looking blow driver. Again, not looking. Yeah, I used to want to be in one. And then I talk to people who do the chase teams and they don't know where it's going either. And then they try to play it off. And the majority of the time we have a pretty good idea. But you know, things can go wrong. Like, I'm not interested in that. And the fire, there's like fire and wood. It's all just, it's like, jackass doesn't do us daredeviliest stuff. So if you're, if you're on your way right now because your wife's trying to make you woo her again because she feels like you've, you've lost your spark and you gotta try.

[John's Wife]

You used to try. Used to try to impress me.

[John Holberg]

You're in sweatpants telling me this.

[John's Wife]

I'm just saying maybe I would stop wearing sweatpants and tattered rags if you tried a little harder.

[Brett Vesely]

Used to be 20 pounds lighter too.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, it used to be lighter.

[John's Wife]

Well, I've had your children, like.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, but I didn't ask for that either. That was a mistake. For the cost of this hot air balloon ride, we wouldn't have kids. But you decided to save that 450 bucks for today. And now we're gonna go out there and anyway, I heard on the radio there's a guy who does baby caskets. What's it called? Sarcophags. I'm pretty sure I want to talk to him, but. Yeah. So if you're in there and she's like. And then she gets dressed up, it's like, all right, she does look pretty nice. She's trying. So I should probably shoot her into the sky for a little while.

[John's Wife]

It's so beautiful. This is what we used to do all the time.

[John Holberg]

Never ever once have we done this. You just have. You watch a lot of television and then you land and she's happy and you get the bj and then you take her to a nice dinner and then the day's over. And then a couple weeks later, you're back in tattered rags and sweatpants and I'm laying on the couch farting. It's hot air balloons, not the fix all. Wonder how many guys have taken their wives up there to like, rekindle marriage or like impress a woman and it goes sideways. I wonder if their marriages last. Like if every woman go 15%. Like the ones that have crashed or the people are trying to. We're working it out and taking her hot air ballooning. Like no guy would ever tell his guy friends that. What are you doing Saturday? We've got to go. We're in. Tea time at 7:15. Can't make it. Wife and I have a thing. Seven in the morning? Yes. Oh, you got to take her in a hot air balloon. Is this trouble at home? Yeah, it's not going that great. Gonna take her on the hot air balloon ride and see if I can get those blowjobs back.

[Byron]

Fight on the way there. Seven in the morning when they finally get to the wall.

[John Holberg]

Dead silence the balloon.

[John's Wife]

We're gonna be late. It's your fault.

[John Holberg]

Look, try to be nice. Just quiet. Just turn the radio on. You'll never find just playing romantic music on the way over.

[Byron]

And you know I don't like this song.

[John's Wife]

Champagne at seven in the morning. This is gonna be amazing.

[John Holberg]

Any guy that takes you in a hot air balloon doesn't get a bj. That's it. It's over. You can't have. What the hell is that? I saw you digging around over there. Decided to turn you on and see what you're up to. But yeah, yeah, you better do what I'm up to. No, this hot air balloon gotta have this going. Honey, the car's going.

[John's Wife]

I know.

[John Holberg]

I just.

[John's Wife]

I'll be out in a second.

[John Holberg]

You got roses in the passenger seat. Holberg's morning sickness. Morning sickness. Come on down to the Ranch House Grill.

[Brett Vesely]

Comfort food is your next meal.

[Ranch House Grill Announcer]

Pork chili verde, chicken fried steak.

[John Holberg]

Ranch House knows you'll think it's great.

[Ranch House Grill Announcer]

Are you ready for the best breakfast in Phoenix? Ranch House Grill has been voted best breakfast four years in a row. We're famous for our chicken fried steak, pork chili verde and large portions. Located in the heart of Arcadia. Join us for breakfast or lunch seven days a week, 6am to 2pm We're a family restaurant with a small town atmosphere serving southwestern comfort food for 18 years. Come on down to the Ranch House Grill for the best breakfast in Phoenix at 56th street and Thomas Road.

[John Holberg]

It's John Holberg here. Time to talk about TV's Doug Hopkins of my home group and Doug Hopkins dot com. I just sat down with TV's Doug Hopkins. We did some TV commercials while we're watching football so you get to see me sit next to Doug and somehow or another make Doug look pretty. And I'm happy to do it too. I bought and sold houses using Doug Hopkins so I'VE been through the process and he's the real deal. He is not going to cancel or change the game with fine print contingencies. Simple cash offer and the deal is done. Start the process online@doug hopkins.com or grab the phone and sing Holmberg's Morning Sickness.

[Byron]

You'll go through that song by the time she gets in the car.

[Sleep Number Announcer]

Oh my God.

[John's Wife]

You got me roses too.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, that's cuz you started. Look, you're wearing pants. Remember pants?

[John's Wife]

Yes.

[John Holberg]

Elastic waistbands.

[John's Wife]

Got these, don't hardly fit. Feels weird.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, cuz you're used to wearing elastic pants.

[Brett Vesely]

Remember denim?

[John Holberg]

Yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

Remember?

[John Holberg]

I remember when you used to try. It's great.

[John's Wife]

Yeah, you too.

[John Holberg]

That was never the physical reason we got married.

[Byron]

Do you need to go to the bathroom before we leave?

[John's Wife]

Where are you taking me?

[John Holberg]

Oh, I don't know. Are you the dumbest person alive? It's 6 in the morning. It's 75 degrees. You're going in a hot air balloon.

[John's Wife]

My God, it's gonna be so mad. Are we going to a breakfast or something?

[John Holberg]

Okay, you're an idiot if you can't figure out where we're going.

[John's Wife]

Who's singing this?

[John Holberg]

Lou Rolls no matter what.

[John's Wife]

I love this so much.

[John Holberg]

That's great. Hopefully this thing doesn't hit power lines. And you know that she'd get in that thing and bitch the whole time.

[Brett Vesely]

And sometimes you're hoping it hits power lines. Just.

[John Holberg]

It'll just shut her the hell up.

[John's Wife]

You get a hair growing out of the top of your ear?

[John Holberg]

Why do you point out my flaws everywhere we go? Just saying.

[John's Wife]

I think I should want it. You should want me to tell you.

[Byron]

I don't want.

[John's Wife]

You got something in your teeth. Did you brush your teeth this morning?

[John Holberg]

I got up really early to take you on a hot air balloon ride.

[Byron]

You're gonna hot air balloon in that?

[John Holberg]

Wear some.

[John's Wife]

What am I supposed to wear?

[John Holberg]

Something comfortable. But not your sweatpants.

[John's Wife]

Where are we going?

[John Holberg]

I can't tell you. That's the point of the getting the blowjob. Wooing you.

[John's Wife]

All right? Fine. Jeans?

[John Holberg]

Yeah. Good ones though. Not your mom ones. Not the weird baggy ones.

[Brett Vesely]

I gotta find those.

[John's Wife]

I'm gonna wear my flares. Oh, I gotta dig into the old drawers.

[John Holberg]

Come on. Put some good clothes on. We're going up. Good.

[Byron]

Is that your high school down the legs of the sweatpants.

[John Holberg]

Is Centennial still even open? What have I done anyway?

[John's Wife]

Oh my God. Is that a hot air balloon?

[John Holberg]

My name's Roger. I'm going to take you Folks up in here this morning for your romantic getaway.

[Byron]

I got a good deal on this.

[John Holberg]

While your husband tries to get his blow jobs back and you try to hold your breath from wearing pants for the first time in two years, I'm going to stand with an inches of you and hear your most intimate talk.

[Byron]

He's the only guy too. No crew.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, it's the only guy up there.

[Byron]

I got a smoking deal on me.

[John Holberg]

I got to put my beard into a bunch of rubber bands. Cuz if it hits this flame, we're all going. And I don't think you guys know how to fly this, but frankly neither do I.

[Brett Vesely]

What do you got to be to be a hot air balloon pilot? Just have an arm to pull on the chain to plane.

[John Holberg]

I think you have to own. I don't even know where to buy them.

[Byron]

Yeah, I don't think there is a training.

[Brett Vesely]

You can't steer it.

[John Holberg]

Training.

[Byron]

You learn it from the guy before. Yeah.

[John Holberg]

It starts lifting off the ground, you've done it. You need a meteorologist and a dude with a truck.

[Byron]

You know how much is in your tank.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, yeah. You know, right.

[Brett Vesely]

So you call Ian Schwartz.

[Byron]

What happens if it shorts out on you? You know, like the flame goes out. Like the pilot. I don't know what it is.

[John Holberg]

The pilot light starts to deflect your Zippo and just.

[Byron]

I know.

[John Holberg]

I think you just.

[Byron]

With the torch.

[John Holberg]

I think you just start coming down slowly. Gradually, but it'll speed up and you're up there. Now's the time. I'd ask you to marry me if it was you. Thanks, Roger. Baby, I know things haven't been so great over the last few years.

[Byron]

It's so romantic with you.

[John's Wife]

I can't hear you. What in the park.

[Byron]

Sorry.

[John Holberg]

Right now. It was a big one anyway. When I met you, you were the light of my God. Damn it. Will you stop there? I'm trying to talk. I have to do it. Man. We're going down. By the way, we just caught a gust. We're. We're gonna have to evacuate or.

[Byron]

He's super calm. When it looks like we're going down.

[John Holberg]

I've been through three of these. Most of the time I make it.

[Byron]

Try to jump just before we land. You should like going down in an elevator. You jump up, basket hits the ground, bounce out.

[John Holberg]

I'll be God damned if I don't know why you guys keep telling your wife not to wear sports gear to these things. And get her out of those sweats. It's the worst possible Time for her not to be in clothes. She can jump and run it later. You're gonna die. Those pants have. They're at their limits right now with your mom butt.

[John's Wife]

This is amazing champagne.

[John Holberg]

You.

[John's Wife]

Roses, Roger.

[John Holberg]

Thanks for including me in that, man. That was mighty kind of ya.

[Byron]

Excuse me.

[John Holberg]

By the way, the word this morning, if you guys are looking, is moolah. Moolah. M, double O L, A H. Anyway, I want to spend the rest of my life with you again. Damn it, Roger. Again. Okay, you have to promise you I have another post prenuptial agreement that you're gonna have to sell all your sweatpants.

[John's Wife]

I like my sweatpants.

[John Holberg]

You're the only one in the house who likes your sweatpants. You look horrible in those.

[John's Wife]

I'm sorry I'm not a fashion model, Jeffrey.

[John Holberg]

I am too.

[John's Wife]

That's when we're in trouble. You just don't know when to filter.

[John Holberg]

Folks, this doesn't look like it's going as well as we had hoped. Want to bring her down? No, I want to stay up here with you, Roger. Let's get rid of her. Anyway, I like those ideas, but that's. It's water. Water. Water. Air balloon. Crashing season. They're out there. Beware of it. Also, I saw in the news last night that there's a. There's a restaurant called Mon Cherie over there in Scottsdale. If you've ever been by it. The only reason I know about it is come some of the girls that worked at the Rah Rah Room and one of the bartenders also worked there and I'd never heard of it. And then like after, you know when you hear about something for the first time and it's. And then. Then you can't stop. Like you see it. It's on. They have a wall of roses there and there's everybody.

[Byron]

Every woman photos in front of every.

[John Holberg]

Mother's Day bachelorette party, annoying girl get together. They do photos in front of the rose wall at Monchelli and it's sort of like a champagne brunch place and. Yeah, kind of, you know, so. And I've ridden my bike through Scottsdale and that's kind of where I turned.

[Byron]

I've seen a couple of pictures.

[John Holberg]

I'm sure you have. And then. So then you. Like I've seen. I rode around like, oh, there it is. Right, that's that place that. And it's just small. It's right behind the coach house, which is more my speed. And so you go and see the roses and the things and all that. So they. The owners of that place called the news because somebody broke in. Two people broke into it and stole a few hundred bucks and then had sex in the rose wall on camera.

[Brett Vesely]

Nice.

[John Holberg]

That's what I said.

[Brett Vesely]

Where's the video?

[John Holberg]

They got it. They didn't share the sex video. But all the people at the. Even the restaurant owners, we're like, we can't believe that. That's just gross. Like you run a restaurant, you know. You know Porkopolis, sex on the pork wall loads. Yeah. When you had your pork picture wall like Ed Gein's barn, it was absolutely. Every restaurant in this city has had employees have sex in it. Every one of them. You can't not do it. They're doing it.

[Byron]

Can't prevent it.

[John Holberg]

It's happening. It's in the walk in freezer. Somebody stuck it in. Now, I'm not saying they finished, but it's just a thing. You can't help because inevitably and Brady even had pregnancies at the Porkopolis. Maybe even from the Porkopolis. That hot waitress you had that boned that chef and got knocked up. They were in the walk in every once in a while. Doing it on slow nights. I guarantee it.

[Byron]

You can't.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, you don't like to think about that. You probably.

[Byron]

It wouldn't surprise me.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, you probably went into the walk in once.

[John's Wife]

What the heck? Hey, Raul. There's something here that won't quite freeze. Get it off the ground.

[John Holberg]

You know what that was?

[Byron]

Someone's got a giraffe in the walk in.

[John Holberg]

That girl was beautiful. No way. That chef was not boning her. He was surprised he had her.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah, there's got her down on all fours. Look at that.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, he's got her on all fours. Oh, they do have the video. Most of that's. Look at her. She bends over in the rose picture wall and that guy starts going at it with her.

[Brett Vesely]

What's he do, stick a mint in his mouth first?

[Byron]

It's a blue chip.

[John Holberg]

Take some immediate. Immediate Molly. And now. And now. So that happened like Saturday. And then the next day, a bunch of mothers went in there and took their pictures.

[Audible Announcer]

Sort of a hide.

[John's Wife]

Sorry.

[Brett Vesely]

We still got Lou going here, which would be fitting.

[John Holberg]

Here it is. Perfect.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

Managers say after the suspects had sex, they broke into the restaurant stealing $450, a liquor bottle and a phone. It's such a happy and positive place. So the fact that they did that on our establishment is just so disturbing. Like this isn't the place for It. Yes, we're full of romance and happiness, but that's not what we're wanting. You encourage it. You built a. You built a restaurant out of roses. Chicks are going to want a bang in that. They consider it romantic to have.

[Byron]

Now they've started a new tradition.

[John Holberg]

I'm pretty sure that's Devin Booker and Diana Taurasi, too. That girl's nose is kind of big. The people on the video, if you recognize them, turn them in. $250.

[Brett Vesely]

Oh, you know it wasn't Larry. The Midori bottle's still there. Look at that. It's right there.

[John Holberg]

Yep. Larry is safe. Larry is not the culprit. And you know what's crazy? Evidently, Larry's been there. Half of that Midori was gone. Larry might go there. It was Larry's birthday this weekend. Maybe he went to Mon Cheri and treated himself to a jerk in the Rose Wall. Yeah, there's girls at the Rah Rah. Kinsey and Julissa and another one that work down at the Rah Rah Room. We're talking about that place. And they're like. And they told Mark and I, like, you guys should come try it. And we're like, are you. No. That is, like, the girliest place. What do you think we're gay? And then they didn't answer, which made me go, oh, maybe they do think Mark and I are a couple. So Mark's like. I'm like, mark, have you ever heard of it? Mark's like, no, we're men. Why would we hear of the roses?

[Byron]

Yeah, Mark and I checked it out.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, you don't go. You know, And I don't even think it's for couples. I think it's just women, and they want to be on Instagram and they're all dressed up and, like, it's weird. And now they're standing in some guys and Midori stains. That's how you know it's a chick place that dudes won't even take their wives to. There's Midori in it.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah. And the bottle's half gone.

[John Holberg]

Larry and Tripp and I went to. Who else was there? It was. I forget. We went to Buck and Ryder. That's a nice place for, like, families, not kids. Good Christ. Well, the one in Gilbert is. But the good one over here, and they. And we went in there, and ours.

[Byron]

Is Buck and Rider and Sons.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, buck and Ryder Jr. Lil Buck and Rider, they call it. They. And it sounds like gay strip club. The Buck and Rider. So we're in There. And I order a drink, and Trip orders a drink. And Larry goes, do you guys have Midori? And the lady's like, well, like, I think she's thinking, we've got sushi and stuff. Maybe something's called the Midori. She goes, no, it's a drink. I'm like, yeah, it's neon green. It's electric green. She goes, I can see. And we literally watched her go to the bar, and they're looking around, and the bartender pointed like he saw Jesus. There it is. We do have it. They pulled the bottle off, blew dust off the top of it, and then went back. And then we went to a place with them. They did the same thing.

[Byron]

It's like, struck out a couple of times.

[John Holberg]

Midori asking for it. Of course you strike out.

[Brett Vesely]

It's like all the bottles there in Indiana Jones and the chalice of Christ is up there.

[John Holberg]

You chose poorly. So, yeah, but to have your check.

[Byron]

Three stores, because we did. We got Larry a holiday present.

[John Holberg]

Oh, yeah. So try to get a Midori.

[Byron]

Three different stores.

[John Holberg]

You had to call your friend who runs, like, most of Total Wine. Yeah, can we get Midori? He's like, no, let me order.

[Byron]

It'll be there in a week.

[John Holberg]

I gotta make some. The people just sit and wait for calls before they make a bottle. It's a waste of time otherwise. You're right. But, yeah, the rose wall was designed for this very same thing. Sorry, mon cherie. You built a place with a pile of roses. Haven't you seen, like, any romance novels or terrible Hallmark movies? What do they throw in the bed to make the girl gush? It's covered in rose petals. They love the idea of getting smashed in roses. And Devin Booker did it this weekend with Diana Taurasi. If you watch the video, it's John Holmberg here from the morning sickness. And it's time to talk about TVs Doug Hopkins of My Home Group and Doug Hopkins dot com. Sometimes Doug Hopkins can be a savior for people in bad situations. Doug's there to help, and the process will go fast. Cash offer for your home as is, no matter the circumstances and a straight offer. The deal's done. Doug doesn't change that offer or cancel because of contingencies or any other reason, and he'll back it up with a $5,000 guarantee. You can start the process [e-mail] or grab that phone and sing along.

[John's Wife]

Call Doug Hopkins. 1-800-sale.

[Michael from Restore My Civil Rights]

This is Michael with Restore My Civil Rights. I made a lot of poor decisions in my Past that had lifelong consequences. After I was released from prison for the last time in 2014, I discovered the process to have my convictions dismissed and all of my rights restored, including my Second Amendment rights. Since achieving this for myself in 2018, our attorney has assisted over 3,000 others in doing the same. If you are still living under the consequences of past mistakes and would like to restore your rights as I have, visit restoremycivilrights.com and book a free consultation today.

[John Holberg]

Holmberg's morning sickness. Night vision is always unkind to people's faces. But, you know, said definitely got my ex pregnant in the freezer at Iceberg in Gilbert. Best fry cook job I ever had. Oh, yeah, what a classy broad that nailed the fry cook. I'm sure when. I'm sure when her period didn't come, she was thrilled that her life was going to work out exactly as planned. Never heard of it. Iceberg. Well, yeah, it's probably closed. The fry cook was dumping loads in the waitress raw dogging them in the freezer. Says the employees effing my beer cooler and restroom. It's the only place here without any cameras. Does he include the name of the place? No, no. His name's Todd. Oh, yeah. Every but to clutch your pearls and go, I can't believe someone would do that. It's just gross. Like your restaurant. That's not the first time that Mon Cherie has had somebody humping in it. Like it's. It's happened. My buddy Stebbings, when we worked at Tony Roma's, his brother came in with his girlfriend and his girlfriend's name was Joy, and they sat on the same side of a two seater. So it was just one and one, but they crammed into one side.

[Brett Vesely]

Why?

[John Holberg]

So Brian could throw digits in his girlfriend while they ate ribs. That's how classy that is. People do terrible things in restaurants.

[Byron]

That's a dinner there.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, it's a date night. And a lot of the times there's a foot under the table, rubbing. Next thing you know, they sneak off into the bathroom if they can. Your restaurants had sex in it before. Now, Montuary might be a little different because I don't think men ever set foot in there outside to be the cool bartender. There's got. There's like three. There was a bartender over there, too. I think Drew was a bartender at Mon Cherie and I knew him too.

[Brett Vesely]

You don't think Troy and Michael maybe go over there?

[John Holberg]

I mean, I think even twinks don't want. Really? Okay.

[Byron]

I mean, Humpty did it in the Burger King.

[John Holberg]

That's exactly right. Burger King. Forget it. They're doing it on the food. Why wouldn't they? All fast food places, any place you got people serving the general public, they get aroused by each other because the commonality of hating people like Brady coming in going, I know it's not on.

[John's Wife]

The menu there, Ronald McDonald, but I'd like a grilled cheese. And I know you got the materials for it.

[John Holberg]

I gotta make a grilled cheese for this guy. And they get all pent up, frustrated, and the next thing you know, Laquisha's all into you. You're all into her, and you're gonna nail her in the. In the walking.

[John's Wife]

It's gross. It's gross.

[John Holberg]

You have Midori. There's gonna be sex there. There's gonna be girls drunk on sugar. Highs. I don't know a man that, like. That's almost worse than the hot air balloon ride. As if a. I want you to.

[John's Wife]

Take me to Mon Cheri.

[John Holberg]

Really? I want a divorce.

[John's Wife]

No, you've got to do it. We're going to take a picture by the rose wall.

[John Holberg]

Oh, God. Are you going to put that on social media? My friends might see it.

[John's Wife]

You're doing it.

[John Holberg]

Okay. Does this mean the blowjobs are back?

[John's Wife]

No.

[John Holberg]

Sweatpants still on. Okay. Yeah, but that's, you know. Yeah, yeah. Where's Jason Barry for that one? There were flies in the sink and sex on the rose wall. Three violations. I found male semen everywhere. Two violations.

[Byron]

Penis in the roses?

[John Holberg]

Yeah, there was a dick in my hand. Two violations. But, yeah, you can evidently have that. They don't even ever mention that on the Dirty Dining Report. And that's some seriously dirty dining. But good for them. They walked out with 500 bucks, wobbly legs and a bottle of liquor.

[Byron]

A jug of hooch.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, a jug of girl hooch. They watered the roses, and off we went. You can't help it. You build a restaurant that encourages romance and some girl's gonna say, I want.

[John's Wife]

To do it in those roses.

[John Holberg]

And the guy's gonna be. We'll break in and do that. And my guess is this is an inside job. We're looking at a video and every employee of Mon Cherie recognizes.

[John's Wife]

She used to work there.

[John Holberg]

She knew her way around it. They keep it in the Most restaurants. Wouldn't keep the cash register full of cash. They happen to know that that was 495 bucks.

[Byron]

That's a lazy closing.

[John Holberg]

Yes, it was. It's a bad close. You should put it in the safe. There should be no cash outside. That's a former employee, guaranteed. And I don't know how she got Devin Booker to boner in the roses, but Devin did it. That's pretty awesome. So next time you're doing that Instagram pose in front of me, those roses just know you're standing on a million.

[Byron]

Or just take that position for the picture.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Just do doggy style. And then the owners be like, will you guys stop that? No. It's going to be your thing for a long time. Quit it. You shouldn't have called the news. You should have just let this one go. It's good advertising, though, because KUPD talking about Mon Cheri has never happened before. So all press is good press. All of it.

[John's Wife]

Yeah.

[Byron]

There'll be some people checking it out.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. The word for seven o', clock, by the way. Moolah. M O O L. A h, like the great. What was the moolah?

[Byron]

The wrestler.

[John Holberg]

The magnificent Moolah. Fabulous moolah.

[Brett Vesely]

That's right.

[John Holberg]

Moolah. That's a good one. Also want to report on the world's dumbest boy? We found it.

[Brett Vesely]

Toledo's kid's in these.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, Toledo's kid is Einstein compared to this one. So he's 13, he's from New Zealand, and he went on Temu and ordered a load of magnets. Tons of them. Hundreds. And after he'd gotten through his 100th one, eating them. Oh, my stomach hurts. They started to kind of bash into each other and make magnet problems in his gut.

[John's Wife]

Oh, man.

[John Holberg]

They're super high powered magnets. And he was.

[Byron]

He survived.

[John Holberg]

He ate 100 of them. And his friends had to be like.

[John's Wife]

Isn'T a good idea anymore. Let's get it. Five was fun. Why do you keep going?

[John Holberg]

Kids went home. Like, the fun of it was watching them eat, too. See what happens when the magnets fight each other. We've got a hundred magnets fighting. His intestines started to, like, explode and move because the magnets are pushing him off. Oh. It cut off all the blood supply. And he kept him in there for a couple days, and it made the blood supply to his intestines die. So that part of his intestines died. And the doctors went in there and they said, how many?

[John's Wife]

And he goes, he gets it as good as mine.

[John Holberg]

And he just chopped him open and just pulled magnets out. And he was doing it, evidently, to try to. This was where he's the dumbest boy alive. He'd seen something on tv where if you have magnets inside you, they'll, like pans and pots will slide across the room and jam against you.

[Byron]

He's trying to be like magneto.

[John Holberg]

Magneto. Yeah, he was trying to be a magnet. Boy, what a moron. What a moron. But I. I bet you that he ate like 10 and then went and walked around the kitchen and none of the forks moved. He's like, gotta keep going. Ten more. Walking around. Yes.

[John's Wife]

I don't even stick to the car.

[John Holberg]

Then he goes back to his room, puts 10 more in.

[John's Wife]

That's 30. Damn. Bound to get something to jam to me now.

[John Holberg]

Then he's, you know, nothing. 10 more. And then this friends are like, I.

[John's Wife]

Think you should stop. Never.

[John Holberg]

And then he goes in, 10 more.

[Byron]

I don't feel.

[John's Wife]

I'm not feeling well. I bet it's the magnets. No, that can't be it. We're from New Zealand. We retarded. We're Australians. Retarded, brother.

[John Holberg]

He goes, put some more in there. He gets up to a hundred. Still nothing jamming against him.

[John's Wife]

Nothing's working. Not even stuck to the Subaru.

[John Holberg]

He has to go to the hospital and doctor just chops him up. 3, 4, 5. How many did you eat here, son?

[John's Wife]

Over a hundred.

[John Holberg]

You're the dumbest boy I've ever met. Why save him if you're the doctor? Wouldn't it be great if doctors looked and went, I'm doing the world a favor here. You're welcome back to the parents. And pull the mask off. I did everything I could. He's not going to make it.

[John's Wife]

Mum, Dad, I feel fine.

[John Holberg]

No, that's part of the symptoms is the magnet to make him feel good. But he's not gonna make it.

[Brett Vesely]

Like Monty Python.

[Byron]

I'm not dead yet.

[John Holberg]

Yes, you are. You're dead. You're done. In fact, I have to warn you that most young kids in New Zealand with magnets in their bellies scream out crazy things as they're dying. Like, I love you and I'm not dying. I feel fine. That's a symptom of dying.

[Byron]

Imagine pulling them out and then. Was it easy because they clinged to each other?

[John Holberg]

Well, the magnets would fight each other and then like some would break and fight and break and fight and. Yeah, so they were pushing and pulling on each other. They were rods. They weren't like little circles. They were like pencils. What a. This kid could swallow one after another. Sup? Exactly.

[John's Wife]

I feel fine, mom and dad. The doctor's a liar.

[John Holberg]

That's One of the symptoms. He thinks everyone lies. And then the dad.

[Byron]

First off, your dad came home and you. You knew you swallowed two magnets.

[John Holberg]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, if I knew. If my dad knew. Look, I had a ruler break the back end of my throat, and I think my dad was ready to cash in on me. But after. If I was the doctor, I'd go out and I'd put, like, two of the long pencil length magnets, and I go, just pull two of these out of your son's tummy. What was he doing? He's eating these. There's 88 more in there. Would you like me to keep going, or do you want to just let him go? The dad had to be like, we need to talk about this back in the.

[John's Wife]

We have to save him.

[John Holberg]

Do we? We can make another.

[Byron]

It's covered by medical, right?

[John Holberg]

Yeah. Yeah. If it's not covered, Doc, let him go.

[Byron]

Let him go.

[John Holberg]

Let him go. Yeah. Chains of magnets. They started to make like, lines and then fight the other magnets. And his stomach was just swelling and contracting and pushing, and the tissue died inside of him. Yeah, I don't think I'd want to take that kid home.

[John's Wife]

Thanks a lot, mom and dad, for taking me to the hospital to get rid of me magnets.

[Byron]

Did they pack them up and send them back to TEMU for a refund?

[John Holberg]

It didn't work. Now there's gonna be warnings on, like, TEMU can't order these magnets unless you're 18. Not to be eaten. There's now a warning on a magnet. Do not eat magnets, Idiots. Yeah, it's a weird thing. And then they blamed China. This case highlights the dangers of magnet ingestion. Yeah, everybody sort of knows that.

[Byron]

What were they? Breakfast magnets?

[John Holberg]

Yeah.

[Byron]

Were they advertised?

[John Holberg]

Is there a kid with a spoonful of magnets?

[John's Wife]

You love it. It's Lord of the Magnets. I feel like a hobbit.

[John Holberg]

You look like a hobbit. You're an idiot. What are you doing? 100 magnets. This just goes to show you what I'm saying. For years, my crusade against people eating magnets. You're the only one on that crusade. Any kid that does that, it's time to go. Good doctors should come out of that room and tell the parents. Not gonna waste my time or the world's time fixing that. He's 13.

[Byron]

If he was 2, maybe there is no magnet challenge.

[John Holberg]

All right. But if you are considering starting one, go ahead. Let's just get. And no doctors. We don't cover this I don't do it. I didn't go to medical school to save retards unless they're actually that. You bring him back again with more stupid stuff in his belly and I'm letting him go. This is a one time only deal.

[John's Wife]

You took an oath. You've got to save our baby.

[John Holberg]

I don't have to do anything. That's what it says. The medics say. This is an actual warning. I'm reading to you. Ingesting powerful magnets can have a serious consequence.

[Byron]

What are some side effects?

[John Holberg]

Yeah, if that's news to you, get in the box.

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[John Holberg]

Can I make my site firmer? Can we sleep cooler?

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[John Holberg]

Given the the majority are managed with surgical intervention. This can lead to further complications later in life, including adhesional bowel obstruction, abdominal hernia and chronic pain.

[Byron]

And they forgot weight gain.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, you're made of magnets.

[John's Wife]

I'll try again with stronger magnets next time. I'm gonna get that spoon to slide across the table and stick to my belly for my friend's entertainment.

[John Holberg]

I think it's time we gave him up. Melissa I don't love him. I can't. He's too dumb.

[Brett Vesely]

How often have your parents ever said that he's too dumb. What are we doing?

[John Holberg]

I guarantee you some of the whispers I heard across between. No, no. You, my friend. Even Bunny and Tor, like, you know, I love everybody in the world, and I don't see bad things. But the big one, he's too dumb to be part of the family.

[John's Wife]

Mom, dad. The bed's wet again.

[John Holberg]

Jesus Christ. He's 20. They had every whisper Dan had. I could hear my parents every once in a while. They had the room across the hall, just Dan's. Idiot.

[John's Wife]

Your son.

[John Holberg]

Kill him. Don't. Don't blame me again.

[Brett Vesely]

Our son.

[John Holberg]

There's no way that's my family.

[Byron]

Not sleeping again. My dad wants to kill me.

[John's Wife]

Look at his nose. Of course he's yours.

[John Holberg]

DNA test. I guarantee. In that room, I couldn't make out all the words, but half of them would be like, he's too dumb to keep around. He's just gonna end up costing us a fortune.

[John's Wife]

Love him.

[John Holberg]

I don't want to.

[John's Wife]

I can hear you guys.

[John Holberg]

Oh, Jesus Christ. That's another thing. He's like a goddamn bat. He hears everything.

[John's Wife]

Well, we have to love him. We made him.

[Brett Vesely]

Don't remind me.

[John Holberg]

I'm gonna order a bunch of magnets. Just leave him around. I think the just let nature take its course. He's gonna eat those. He shoved a ruler in his throat.

[John's Wife]

I didn't shove it in my throat. I had it in my mouth and I bent over and hit it and I.

[John Holberg]

Shut up. Go to bed. See what I'm talking about?

[Brett Vesely]

You should love him anyway. Even though he jammed a ruler down his throat?

[John Holberg]

Yeah.

[John's Wife]

And we all think that was weird. And we're not really sure we believe the story of why, but it did happen. And I love him.

[John Holberg]

He had to miss school because he was embarrassed to go tell people he had a ruler jammed in his throat.

[John's Wife]

It was an accident.

[John Holberg]

Bed. Shut up. Go to bed. Mother and I are talking. You can hear them scrawling notes to each other. You can hear everything. Planning my death. But then they run into this New Zealand boy who ate magnets. They had to be grateful that they didn't have that one moron. But what are you gonna do? Kirby ever eat anything? They're like, did you eat that?

[Byron]

No.

[John Holberg]

No. She was not. She's not a kid who just picked it up and ate it.

[Byron]

If she did, we never knew.

[John Holberg]

It'll come up later. Hey. Once she's an adult, it's on her. The magnets start.

[Byron]

She's old enough to know.

[John Holberg]

Hey, man, I'm having A lot of stomach pain, dad. I'm just thinking maybe we should hit the hospital. Did you eat magnets like, eight years ago, man? I thought I could stick to the car, man. Why would you do it other than. And you had to have a friend in the room like, you should stop.

[John's Wife]

No, no. Not gonna do it until something sticks.

[Byron]

To me, let alone quit calling me man.

[John Holberg]

Hey, man, you raised me, man. I'll be in the yard outside trying to stick to the light pole, man.

[John's Wife]

Why does your tummy make that weird metal noise?

[John Holberg]

I don't know, man. It's not working. I moved in with Zoe Saldani, man.

[John's Wife]

I see you on TV now, Kirby Daniels.

[John Holberg]

It's 7:25. The word for 7 o' clock is moolah. And if you've got a kid that ate a bunch of stuff, that's dumb. It's kind of like when you're. You have to take your dog to the vet because it ate, like, everything. I came. Oh, my God. I came home from. From a movie years ago. My little Cairn terrier, Lexi, sweetest dog in the world, was on the couch shaking like it was 2 degrees. Eyes are huge, shaken. And I didn't realize that I had left a package of Dimetap on the. On the table. Oh, she ate the whole thing. Every hour, it would release 13 different diamondback in her system for. And make. She was on meth. It was the biggest meth high she'd ever had, just spazzing out for. And then I'd have to. So we took her to the vet, and we got it all straightened out. And I remember thinking the bill was astronomical because she had to stay there for, like, four days. It was crazy. And I was. I'm. I'm like, I can't. I'm not putting her down. Like, unless they tell me that this is forever and that every hour she's gonna have another time release episode with Diamond Tap. Crazy. So I was super, like, worried about it. She got better. Next time I go to the movies, I'm like, we make sure nothing's out. Like, this dog will get it. Come home from the movies. About a month and a half, two months later, she's in the corner of the room, bleeding out her mouth, shaking her head and, like, going, no bathroom trash. She ate razors, and they were stuck between her teeth. Like, she had razor blades. She had worked out of the razor, bent them in half, and they were stuck between her canines. And her front teeth sliced her mouth all up. We had to take her to the Vet again to do X rays to make sure she didn't swallow one, which she didn't, but she ate the handle. And I remember having that talk going, I love this dog more than anything in the world, but she might be the dumbest animal I've ever had. Turned out she was super smart. She was just extra curious and hungry a lot.

[Byron]

Well, maybe that magnet kid is the same way.

[John Holberg]

He's just a cairn terrier, but he's 13. I'd give it to you if you're a baby and you ate the garbage, but yeah, New Zealand magnet boy is.

[John's Wife]

Like, what's in your trash? I'll eat it. I don't think he can come over anymore. Quit leaning on a refrigerator. It's stainless steel. It won't work.

[John Holberg]

Brett, what do you got on the big board of musical treats?

[Brett Vesely]

Time for the wake up song. And of course, it's brought to you by Action Ride Shop. Weather's getting nice. The hundreds are over, which means it is now time to start hitting those trails and thinking about heading up north. So if you want to do the bike thing while Action Ride Shop's got two locations for you. Rent a bike, get your bike running, get all the gear you're gonna need to get up there. And don't forget, they're gonna start taking reservations very shortly for ski skis, skis, snowboarding. They got all the gear there at the OG location right there on Gilbert Road.

[John Holberg]

Yesterday during the Broncos Cowboys game, they were showing it ski seasons going. They opened up yesterday.

[Brett Vesely]

So Action Ride Shop is your one stop shop. Check them out online.

[John Holberg]

Actionrideshop.com guy named Michael Woj Tazak emailed, says, I proposed to my wife and a hot air boon. He spelled balloon wrong. Says, thirteen year later, we are getting divorced. And that's another thing. You shoot too high with that kind of stuff. It's inevitably just a letdown. A proposal.

[Byron]

That big 13 year run. Maybe it's time to get back in the balloon.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, well, that's. I bet you that she's like. But then you got to do that again. And these are these peaks and valleys of trying. You put a girl in a hot air balloon, you take her on mask, you're trying to impress her. You're no different than a girl who blows you every night for the first year of the relationship and then that dries up. Were you taking her on hot air balloon rides and, you know, extravagant trips and gifts and things like that? Dries up. She's gonna miss it. And your relationships, you gotta start Low. They always still have to be surprised when you try. Never shoot it out of the gate that big. You can't live up to your own expectations. You set? Sit in a room with her, stare at her, and eat magnets. That'll impress a broad.

[John's Wife]

Why are you doing this?

[John Holberg]

I think I can make sports slide across the room. It's gonna be awesome at restaurants.

[Byron]

Go.

[John Holberg]

86. You need to stop 87. All right, we gotta go over to Hillstone and walk by the table and see if we can make the silverware move. Walking by. This guy keeps walking by and showing her belly to our table. Nothing.

[Byron]

Nothing.

[John Holberg]

Lady's earrings didn't even jiggle. Stupid. All right, what do you got over there?

[Brett Vesely]

Godsmack on the list. Dio, Judas Priest, Black Crows for some reason, Metallica, 6am, the biscuit, AC, DC, Primus, soil, white Zombie, and Jimmy's Chicken Shack.

[John Holberg]

It's all good.

[Byron]

This guy would have been Scott Weiland's birthday.

[John Holberg]

Oh, is that right?

[Byron]

Yeah.

[John Holberg]

How old would Scott have been? What year was he born? He's 67.

[Byron]

He had been 58.

[John Holberg]

What year is.

[Brett Vesely]

Okay, we played Velvet Revolver before we signed on.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, we already played that. We covered Scott. Well, happy birthday, Scott. That was for you. We knew. We knew deep down. Yeah, you pick one. I'm fine with it.

[Brett Vesely]

I like that Jimmy's Chicken Shack song because we haven't played that in forever.

[John Holberg]

So my girlfriend and I came.

[Ranch House Grill Announcer]

Hi.

[John Holberg]

This guy Cody says, my girlfriend and I came home from dinner, went to pick up my dog. I put my hand on his belly and he winced. It was like picking up a bag of gravel. He had 23 and a half inch rock in his Chihuahua belly. Oh, one inch rocks. He ate 23 of them, or he couldn't have been a 23 and a half inch rock. That would have been amazing. I'd have liked seen that. Our friend Thomas Wells the boulder, he had a mass. He had to get rid of river rocks by his pool because he had a mastiff that would eat them. Oh, my God.

[Byron]

And I like, not small ones.

[John Holberg]

He called me one time and he's like, johnny, I can't go golfing with you today. I'm like, oh, come on. I'm getting ready. We're like 15 minutes from going. I know. I just came home and his dog at the crazy, like Matthias, just eat five river rocks. He's laying in the backyard moaning and groaning.

[Byron]

Too big to pass.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, yeah. He's too big for a mastiff to poop, but he would go out and just swallow river rocks. The dog's so dumb, he eats rocks the size of shoes. I've got to take him to the vet. It's going to cost me 5K. And you know about me and money. I'm like, hey, you're Scottish are cheap as can be.

[John's Wife]

I.

[John Holberg]

But, yeah, that river rocks big ones three times. And then, yeah, the best thing was he still had his stitches. That dumb dog eats river rocks. He's got his guts all cut out from the last river rock. Pull out next. You're not gonna believe this. Matthias ate two more river rocks and he's already got a cat. And I'm like, well, I'll just unzip them and take them out. That's gonna cost me another 3k.

[Brett Vesely]

But he's no homo.

[John Holberg]

But he ain't no homo. He's not homo. But Brett, he's right. I won't have that unless he's taking him anally and I don't know. I have to see it on the video. Aye. Matthias, are you putting those rocks in your bum? You know, if he was homo, those things would fly right out. But he's still got a heterosexual dog's bottom. So the rocks are too big to pass. It's the only time I wish my dog was homo. Would have saved me 8k. Do you know what homos have, Brady?

[John's Wife]

Gigantic arses.

[John Holberg]

That's from all the butt play.

[Byron]

It would have fallen out, no problem.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, it would have tumbled out like nothing.

[Brett Vesely]

Saved 5k.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, I could have just. If I'd have pushed him the right direction. We could decorate the backyard in river rock one after the next. Nay, not your. They put that rock there. Come over here, Matthias, and crepe out your homo rocks here. Look at him go. I'd like to see a dog eat a river rock. That's. I mean, how do they think this is an idea? It's like you have to have a. You know how big your mouth has to be. My old pit bull, Ben, used to take these gigantic. Those bones, you know, the big ones that are real. Yeah. And he'd get half of it in his throat and it's just sticking. He'd have his head straight up because he was like a sword swallower and it's jammed in his throat. And I just hear in the backyard, and I'd have to reach in there and rip, like shoes out of his. He'd look at me like, that's cool. And then go right back to doing it.

[Brett Vesely]

Dan Holmberg relates.

[John Holberg]

Yeah, yeah, that's true payback, son. That's true. You got a gay dog, huh? No, he just likes shoving bones in his. Oh, I see where you get it. I see what you're saying. I heard myself. Let's do it. It's Jimmy's Chicken Shack right here. The word for seven o' clock is moolah. Got a few more minutes to pop that in there. We'll give another at 8. Here's your wake up song. It's Jimmy's Chicken Shack. Hey, it's not weird.

[Byron]

It's pretty cool, actually.

[John Holberg]

No membership fee. I have heard enough of this.