10-29-25 - Hurricane In Jamaica Reminds Us How Good We Have It Here In Desert - Ranting On Vortexes And Shock Ras And How Women Use Them And Yoga To Justify Their Need For Connection

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Holmberg's Morning Sickness (10-29-25)

Theme Overview

In this lively episode, John Holmberg and the crew (Brady Bogen, Brett Vesely, Dick Toledo, Ronnie, and Trevor) dive into the contrast between living in Arizona's desert (with its relative safety from natural disasters) and destinations plagued by hurricanes, prompted by recent news about a hurricane in Jamaica. The conversation quickly veers into a hilarious and biting critique of spiritual vortexes (especially in Sedona), yoga retreats, and the ways in which women, particularly after breakups or divorces, seek connection and healing—often by paying for questionable wellness experiences. Relationships, gender stereotypes, capitalist grifting, and the power of magical thinking are recurring comedic threads throughout.

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Key Discussion Points & Segments

1. Arizona vs. Hurricane Destinations

• Timestamps: 01:29–04:09

• John opens with gratitude for living in Arizona, far from hurricanes and tornadoes. He pokes fun at how Americans only care about disasters in popular tourist destinations (like Jamaica), not places like Cuba.

• Key Quote:
  "Complaining about Arizona is just being kind of nitpicky and catty and bitter about nothing. It is the best place."
  — John Holmberg (01:32)

• Humorous analogy: If Arizona's Camelback Mountain walked around causing destruction like a hurricane, no one would live here, yet people live in hurricane-prone areas.

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2. Yoga Retreats: Healing or Grift?

• Timestamps: 04:09–07:33 | 14:15–16:22 | 17:33–19:47

• The crew riffs on women’s yoga and “get your groove back” retreats—especially post-divorce—observing Sedona’s influx of bachelorette-and-breakup parties. They poke fun at the earnestness and theatricality of these wellness rituals (“laying on rocks”).

• Yoga leaders are described almost cultishly, guiding groups through “laying on the rocks.”

• Key Quote:
  "There were like seven of them just laying down on rocks. And it looked like, I don't know, some sort of weird murder scene, some mass suicide."
  — John Holmberg (05:09)

• Crew jokes about the classic trope where women "find themselves" on trips but often end up hooked up with locals, as in “Waiting to Exhale.”

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3. Spousal Support and Schadenfreude

• Timestamps: 07:39–11:41
• John imagines the delight of divorced husbands upon hearing their exes’ yoga trip to Jamaica (funded by spousal support) gets disrupted by a hurricane.
• Key Quote:
  "His ex, who just milked him for everything he's worth, went to Jamaica to get her groove back ... and she gets hit by this hurricane. There is one dude that is ... He's whistling from his anus. He is so happy."
  — John Holmberg (07:52)

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4. The Great Sedona Vortex Grift

• Timestamps: 19:47–21:15 | 22:13–23:08 | 39:48–43:34

• Extended riff on Sedona’s "energy vortexes":

  • Women and wellness tourists flock to “sacred” spots, all located in beautiful, tourist-driven areas—never in ugly or mundane locations.
  • They debate the power (or lack thereof) of vortexes, crystal rocks, and the capitalist exploitation of wellness seekers.

• Key Quote:
  "How come vortexes are never in ugly places? ... Because you can't sell tourism there, so you start adding crap. There's nothing special about Sedona."
  — John Holmberg (20:10)

• John proposes starting a “dirty, ugly vortex” in an industrial area to see if it would attract spiritual seekers.

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5. Yoga, Singing Bowls, and Marital Satisfaction

• Timestamps: 12:44–14:47 | 31:10–37:20
• Making fun of sound bowl “healing” and the overabundance of wellness products (geodes, dreamcatchers), especially as a sign of marital trouble.
• They joke about how most “healing” instructors are grifters preying on the emotional vulnerability of (usually white) women post-divorce.
• Frequent gags about Brady’s wife owning bowls, and how bringing one to work could symbolize a failing marriage.
• Key Quote:
  "If you want to come home to geodes and a woman playing bowls, take one of her bowls to work ... You're on the brink of either having a capitalist or a woman who wants out."
  — John Holmberg (32:05)

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6. The “Bird Test” (Relationship Health Check)

• Timestamps: 27:18–31:37
• Ronnie describes a new "bird test" relationship trend from TikTok—if you tell your partner “I saw a bird today” and they don’t respond enthusiastically, your relationship is doomed.
• Everybody mocks this, noting how it rewards boring conversation and blames men if they're not riveted.
• Key Quote:
  "If you’ve got cracked geodes or ... you’re white ... That rock is creating positive energy. She is so depressed and miserable in that marriage, she doesn’t know how to get out. So she’s turned to rock. Like rock power."
  — John Holmberg (27:18)

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7. Men’s Simplicity & Stereotypes (“Meat, BJ, Sleep, Happy”)

• Timestamps: 39:45–46:32
• Running gag: men need only simple things—meat, blowjobs, and sleep—to be happy, and will fake interest in “cruddy bird stories” only for those rewards.
• Key Quotes:
  "Meat, blowjobs, happiness. That's it." — Brady Bogen (40:04)
  "If you just cave ... If I blow him and give him meat, he's like 'awesome'."
  — Trevor & John Holmberg (45:41)

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8. India, Yoga Origins, and Cultural Irony

• Timestamps: 15:14–17:16 | 44:11–45:27
• John jokes he’s never met a “calm Indian” despite yoga’s origins, suggesting “calmness” is marketed only for spiritual-tourism purposes, not reflective of Indian society—which they lampoon as chaotic and grift-filled.
• Key Quote:
  "I've never met an Indian that's calm ... They're the ones who get this whole yoga thing down. I've never once been around a group of Indians where I feel like, man, they are really kind of in touch with it all and and calm."
  — John Holmberg (15:14)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Sedona Vortex Jam:
  "You ever been to the Maryvale vortex? Really get in touch with the planet? Come on, G."
  — John Holmberg (21:22)

• On Wellness Grift:
  "My favorite thing about the vortex ... you have to believe in it. Then it’s Tinkerbell."
  — John Holmberg (18:45)

• Bird Stories = Marital Dullness:
  "Let me tell you something about your stories. The ones that start with 'I saw a tree' ... You're getting nothing from me."
  — John Holmberg (30:03)

• Relationship Red Flags:
  "If you start playing [singing bowls] home alone ... you better start."
  — John Holmberg (31:39)

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Timestamps for Important Segments

• Arizona vs Hurricanes & Vacation Disasters: 01:29–04:09
• Post-divorce Yoga Retreats Observed in Sedona: 04:09–07:33, 14:15–16:22
• Spousal Support and Jamaica Hurricane: 07:39–11:41
• Sedona Vortex Capitalism & The Scam of Wellness: 19:47–23:08, 39:48–43:34
• Yoga, Sound Bowls, and Marital Satire: 12:44–14:47, 31:10–37:20
• The “Bird Test” TikTok Relationship Trend: 27:18–31:37
• Meat, BJ, Sleep: The Man’s Simple Life: 39:45–46:32
• Yoga’s Indian Roots & Cultural Contradiction: 15:14–16:22, 44:11–45:27

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Tone & Style Highlights

• The episode is marked by irreverent, sarcastic humor, blending pop culture riffs with social commentary.
• The crew frequently mocks spiritual tourism, wellness trends, and relationship advice—never missing a chance to add bawdy undertones or playful misogyny.
• John Holmberg, in particular, leads with a skeptical, no-BS attitude, but the show keeps a light, bantering mood throughout.

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Summary Takeaway

Hurricane disasters, wellness retreats, and the search for spiritual “vortexes” become launchpads for the HMS crew’s skeptical, rapid-fire banter about modern relationships, gender differences, and the hustle of the wellness industry. The message: Arizona life may be “boring,” but at least it’s not a hurricane-orange yoga scam—unless you buy into the grift for yourself.

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(For the full hilarious and biting context, listen between 01:26 and 46:55. Skip intros, commercials, and outros as they’re non-content.)

Transcript

[Brett Vesely]

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[Byron]

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[Brett Vesely]

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[John Holmberg]

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[Byron]

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[Brett Vesely]

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[John Holmberg]

It's John Holberg here from the morning sickness and it's time to talk about FanDuel. It's NBA tip off week and FanDuel is your home for live betting. FanDuel is giving new customers $300 in bonus bets if your first $5 bet wins. So just visit FanDuel.com KUPD to sign up today and play your game with FanDuel, official sports betting partner of the NBA. 21 plus in present in Arizona. First online real money only five dollar first deposit required. Bonus issued is non withdrawable bonus Fetch which expires seven days after receipt. Restrictions apply. See [e-mail] gambling problem. Call 1-800-next-step or text next step to 53342, morning sickness. The old method of treatment for a person in this condition was to throw him in jail.

[Brady]

Good morning everybody.

[John Holmberg]

Hello there. Welcome to Wednesday. It is 5:45. My name's John. How are you? There's Brady. There is Brett Fesley. Big Dick Toledo's around here somewhere. We got it all together and ready to go for yet another amazing day here in paradise. And it could be someplace else again. I always tell people you have it great here. Complaining about Arizona is just being kind of nitpicky and catty and bitter about nothing. It is the best place. And I look no further than the news when everybody looks at island getaways and such and sees what's going on in Jamaica and, you know, Cuba, we don't, you know, it's funny, we don't care when Cuba gets smashed by hurricanes, Cuba takes a punch for like commies. Suddenly the human element's Gone. It has to be somebody we agree with that gets hit hard by hurricanes or somebody at least kind of like. Or we like to vacation there. Cuba got hit, too. And not many people are like, we should help Cuba. And we don't. We don't care. But it did. And then I realized my theory on weather based beautiful places. It just isn't worth it to live in a place that's in some sort of hurricane alley or tornado alley or anything like that. I go back to my standard statement. If you were moving here and you said, this place is beautiful, the real estate agent said, well, yeah, every year, somewhere between September and November, Camelbeck Mountain gets up and walks around, and we don't know when or where or what direction or how it's going to do it, but it does. And it sometimes leaves a path of massive destruction. Then it goes back to where it, you know, it just looks normal again. Would you live here if the mountain got up and crushed stuff? Every year or so you had to worry about it. Sometimes it didn't. But you sat there from August to September, and every time, like, let's say the sky turned a little bit gray. You'd be like, ooh, this is perfect conditions for the mountain to get up. You wouldn't want to be here. So I don't understand why you do it when the ocean gets up and starts moving around or the sky starts to shoot down sky at you. But again, I say that in the hopes that no one outside of our city hears it. It's just a little pep talk for us. We got it pretty good here. It's pretty awesome. We have a lot of bugs, pretty much free of being attacked by massive animals. We got a snakes and some weird stuff. Every city's got something.

[Ronnie]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

There's no bears or, you know, you're not gonna get beat up too bad going out by a moose or something.

[Ronnie]

Strange once in a blue moon.

[Trevor]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ronnie]

We've had a bear and. Yeah. Phoenix. Phoenix.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, Prescott. But I mean, that's not here. We're not impressed. Got.

[Ronnie]

But, ladies, for the most part, you're safe to keep your yoga trips here.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah. And that's what we were getting at in Jamaica. Good transition, Brady. Good transition. The yoga trips, which I make fun of, so I find it hysterical. And I saw it again when I was in Sedona last Saturday. There's always Saturday Sedona. And I think If I had Dr. Brink and my buddy Antony in here right now, you confirm how many divorced girl get your groove back parties we Saw just on the broken arrow trail. And also at dinner and just hanging around Sedona. We didn't do much. And what we did, we looked around. We saw. It was an odd thing, too. A lot of bachelorette parties, and a lot of. It's all over. Let's get Melissa out of the house and into the woods where she can, you know, get in touch with herself and her world and the vortex. Lot of yoga parties. Lot of. Lot of laying down in the middle of jeep trails. I don't know what those ladies were thinking, but there were, like, seven of them just laying down on rocks. And it looked like, I don't know, some sort of weird murder scene, some mass suicide.

[Ronnie]

Make your climbs easier.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, well, you know, Yeah, a little bumpier. It's kind of fun. But, yeah, they were just laying down on rocks, and we were laughing. I'm uncle. There it is. That's exactly what I'm talking about. And they had a leader, and the leader was coaching them through how to lay on rocks. And they did it. And it was. And it's so obvious why. One's going through a massive breakup and trying to become a human individual again. And her friends are there for the weekend, and they try to boost her back up. Happened in Jamaica. There's a story of women who decided to go. They don't talk about why they're there on a yoga retreat in hurricane season. A, because it was cheap and, you know, they don't want to spend all their husband's money that they just got. And B, you know, one of them just got divorced, and the girl's like.

[Trevor]

We did a streptogen.

[John Holmberg]

It is that we've heard about Montego.

[Ronnie]

Bay and how beautiful.

[John Holmberg]

Waiting to Exhale made sense to half of the population. To men, it's like, what we don't take, like, a. A trip to get back to our independent roots. We take a horse trip. The dudes take you to Vegas. Like, we're gonna take you to Vegas. You're just gonna pound everything that moves and like, yeah, that's what. That's what I need. Women go and try to find themselves, and in the process, sometimes a local waiter will be hot enough, like in the movie Waiting to Exhale to start boning him. And then you realize, oh, I like D again. And then I want to take some D. But the funny thing is, is that that movie Waiting to Exhale, the real truth, that movie was. And I forget which one got divorced. She. And they filmed some of it here. The. The girl that was Needing to exhale, got her husband's money and then suddenly would start. She would start the help like it was waiters and busboys and anything else. Like anybody who look at she. Because she had somebody else's cash. She was independent financially from the divorce, but just needed D and was taken random D from a beach bartender. If I remember the movie right, it's like, oh, she had no standards anymore. She was. That's horrible. And it's hilarious because her husband was paying for the whole thing. And then she kept saying, I'm an independent woman. And they tried to make her out like she was wealthy too, but she got the money from her husband. The one thing I see about the Jamaican ladies trapped because their yoga trip has gone sideways now, divorce to Jamaica. And now it's. This horrible hurricane has ruined that too. There's some.

[Ronnie]

Dude, they've turned lemons into lemonade, though.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, how's that?

[Ronnie]

Now they're posting on Tik Tok.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, sure.

[Ronnie]

There. They survive.

[Brett Vesely]

They're going to be all over.

[John Holmberg]

They're not anywhere near the hurricane. They've got Internet. The hurricane is on the other side of the island, which I don't understand.

[Ronnie]

I mean, the posting could be delayed now.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Ronnie]

Either way, like, a. A majority of the island is out of power.

[John Holmberg]

Well, I hope they're okay, I'll say that. Yeah. But here's what I'm thinking about that no one else is. And the news will never bring up. Go find the recent ex husband and take a picture of the smile on his face. That has got to be ear to ear that he just found out that his ex, who just milked him for everything he's worth, went to Jamaica to get her groove back on. His first, you know, spousal support payment, and she gets hit by this hurricane. There is one dude that is. He's whistling from his anus. He is so happy, like there. He's at work getting everything done. I got such a big smile on your face there, Jeff. Remember my ex wife? Yeah.

[Brady]

She took it.

[John Holmberg]

She took a girls retreat to Jamaica to get over me and God's trying to kill her. It's awesome.

[Brett Vesely]

It's not.

[Brady]

It would be bad if it was.

[John Holmberg]

Like Jamaicans attacked her.

[Brady]

No, no, no.

[John Holmberg]

The Lord Almighty has pushed the hurricane. She's not gonna make it back. It's great. I just. I'm out of spousal support in the first month. He's the only one rooting for that hurricane to get worse.

[Brett Vesely]

Drink some Ebola. Yes, I got this.

[John Holmberg]

I don't have spousal support anymore. Dummy went to Jamaica during hurricane season to get her groove back.

[Brady]

She's not gonna make it back.

[John Holmberg]

He is smiling to no end that this. And I guarantee you, I guarantee you I'm right. One of them is going through a terrible divorce, a terrible one. And her friends are like, you show him.

[Trevor]

You take his money and you spend all of it. We're going to Jamaica. Expense nothing. We're going for the whole thing.

[Ronnie]

She'll get a little spotlight too, when she comes back. And Good Morning America hasn't.

[Brett Vesely]

Oh, yeah, she'll be on the View and everything else.

[John Holmberg]

And if she comes back. Yeah, that's what that guy's. I'm not saying he's gonna like when she comes back. All this euphoria. It's a quick hit if she comes back. But he's the only one somewhere probably in Maryland or Delaware, and he's like, yeah, she might not make it. And he is beaming at the. At the possibilities that. That. That he had one spousal support payment that he had to kick out, and she took off. He wrote that check. Probably pretty decent check, let's say five to ten grand. I don't know how many kids they had.

[Ronnie]

Whatever.

[John Holmberg]

And then she goes and takes that and spends it with her friends, and they're, you know, just busting down Jamaican drinks and rum and all that and dancing and doing yoga. And then. And he's watching that weather. Oh, he's in. He's in heaven. He's in heaven. And I want the news to go find him. We found her ex husband. And then he has that big smile on his face, but he's got to act like, this is tragic. It's just terrible. Don't you think? What's wrong with your face? Why are you smiling? Am I smiling? I can't. I don't know if I could wipe that off. I'm sorry. I'm trying. You're not really sad. Quit it. She's not gonna make it. She gonna make it. You guys know she's gonna make. Looks like she's gonna get. She's gonna get trapped there for a while. Oh, so sad. Is there another hurricane right behind it? Sometimes that happens. Is that. Do I have to worry about that? There is a tropical storm developing. Oh, God, no. Oh, God. You seem to smile and cry real. It's. That's hard to do.

[Brett Vesely]

Batteries and batteries.

[John Holmberg]

Hey, how are you? Hi, guys. This is a hurricane.

[Ronnie]

It's so great.

[John Holmberg]

Does the bitch get on a plane? Was he doing yoga in the boat. Maybe the boat's gone. You know, what a tragedy.

[Ronnie]

Can you imagine the shelter right now that all these people are packed in there? And then there's an area of 8 or 10 women on yoga mats right.

[John Holmberg]

Now trying to make the most of it.

[Trevor]

Oh, he could still do the yoga.

[Ronnie]

Yoga.

[Trevor]

We can't do the yoga retreat without Sven.

[Dick Tolitto]

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[Announcer]

All right, HMS podcast time again to let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week. For the complete lineups and for tickets, go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com and tempeimprov.com Holmberg's Morning Sickness.

[Brett Vesely]

There'll be. There'll be one guy sitting there, too. If I hear one more goddamn singing bowl over there.

[Brady]

We are getting rid of singing balls. There will be no more singing balls. I heard that.

[Ronnie]

Sit up your bumble clocks.

[Brady]

You guys bumble clutch around. No more single. My whole family out there, they lost. It ain't helping, man.

[John Holmberg]

You get trapped. And we imagine that the worst place in the world to be trapped in a hurricane shelter is Jamaica. Because they would just play nothing but reggae, steel drums. I'd run. I'd run towards the storm.

[Brett Vesely]

But just how much weed? I don't even do that. But, man, imagine the amount of weed.

[Ronnie]

You'D have to do.

[John Holmberg]

You'd have to block out the I.

[Brett Vesely]

Would go sounds of Ziggy and Bob Marley, man.

[John Holmberg]

I'd be.

[Ronnie]

I'd be like shelters a smokehouse.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. I'd be like Lieutenant Dan. I'd be screaming at the sky, come and get me. I got that.

[Brady]

The world is all it's going to do down the place.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, my God. 24 hours of that would kill me. Now, the proof for religious people. I agree with you. Finally, God hates reggae. I believe that to be true. 311, and that would be the worst day of my life. I was in Jamaica, and 3:11 was the artist at Atlantis. And we all had to hole up in a shelter and just Jamaican music and nasty. Oh, that's. There's nothing worse than reggae, I think.

[Brett Vesely]

White reggae.

[John Holmberg]

White reggae that isn't even human.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah, that's.

[John Holmberg]

That don't count. None whatsoever.

[Brady]

Where the Flamingo panties now, like.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, good Christ. This is. It's children's stuff.

[Ronnie]

Ted's learned the steel drums.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And then they teach white people to play the steel drums. Because I'm in Jamaica, man, all the yoga retreats, I see right through it. And I. I tip the cap to those yoga instructors, to taking those broads out there and stealing their money, making them lay down and pay you. That's hilarious.

[Trevor]

We've never done it before.

[John Holmberg]

All right. We're not going to start easy. Lay down.

[Ronnie]

There's that big money in the. Just the lay down and breathing.

[John Holmberg]

That's what I'm saying. It's. It's. It's. But nobody, unless they've hit rock bottom, wants to just lay down and breathe. I do that every day. I don't need someone. I don't need to pay somebody to go lay down and breathe different. Like, I'll miss you. No, you're not. No, I'm not. No, I'm not.

[Brett Vesely]

But how much tail is Trevor the yoga instructor getting out there? I mean, he's just pounding.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, pounding it. Here's the other thing about yoga for, you know, the instructors. You are capitalists. You ever met an Indian that's calm? I've never met an Indian that is, like, relaxed ever in my life. Not one. You can search your brain, Brady, for the one, but it's. It's a. They are a tense running around people, and they're the ones who get this whole yoga thing down. I've never once been around a group of Indians where I feel like, man, they are really kind of in touch with it all and. And calm. This is a calm group.

[Brady]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, my friend.

[John Holmberg]

They're always worried like that. Yeah, I was gonna say.

[Brett Vesely]

I was gonna say go to a Slayer concert.

[John Holmberg]

The Slayer Indians are. They're what? They're. They're more calm than the Indian.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Ronnie]

The two doctors I had for my Procedure are calm, but they're making a good living.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, they're doctors. They're American now. They got out of India. You meet an Indian that's Indian.

[Brady]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[John Holmberg]

They're always worried the sky's falling in on them. I've never. I've never even had an Indian doctor that doesn't come in and just start doing that little head shake.

[Brady]

Okay, we have. This is what we're going to do now.

[John Holmberg]

And I'm like, this is not. I'm tension. There's tension in the room since you came in.

[Ronnie]

50, batting 50.

[John Holmberg]

I've never once had one doctor does the little. The head thing. Yeah, yeah. Because they're just. They're boiling with tension. I've never had an Indian come and go, hey, man, what's going on with you? Well, I am feeling very, very, very good today. Very calm. The only ones you see are Gandhi and like the dudes with the snakes, they just hold real still. I see videos of India. It's a mad house. People everywhere running, scrambling on trains, buses. Yeah. They're standing on tops of trains just to get where they're going. Yoga is it has done nothing for India as far as calming that whole nation down. But to white women, yoga has become. It's. It's. You know, it's an escape. You know, Ronnie's into the yoga. She's. She's the ultimate capitalist. She's trying to get license to take divorced ladies to Sedona.

[Ronnie]

90%.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Ronnie]

But you're hoping that 3%.

[John Holmberg]

Get that next 10 and you're rolling in it. If she's got the right mindset, if she wants to start, you know, she finds out one of the ladies on her street just got divorced, she needs to go put flyers on that door. Doing a Sedona retreat this weekend.

[Trevor]

You know, I really do need to get away.

[John Holmberg]

We'll teach you how to lay down on some rocks outside and what's called the vortex. There's no such thing. The vortex. How come?

[Ronnie]

Gives you options. You know, once you. You're certified or something like that, you can extend your training. You gotta.

[John Holmberg]

Sure. You can start paying for more. Yeah. And then. Or grift white women, which is the thing I would do with it the most. My favorite thing about. Because the vortex has always been something I laughed at up in Sedona. It's like you have to go to the vortex and it's okay. What is that? Oh, it's where the energy of the earth is. There's seven or Eight, blah, blah. And they start telling you about them, and they have these little cartoon maps. And I got to one, and there was a person there in a. You know, in that. A white pose. It was a white woman, but she had her fingers in that weird circle pose, the third finger to the thumb. And she's sitting down next to a group of stacked rocks that have been recently stacked by some drifter. And she's doing this wave and occasionally going, haru, Haru. And everybody's leaving her alone. And then at the end of this was a few years ago, at the end of it, she gets up and she walks. And I'm like, what? What is this? She goes, it's the vortex. Your body and your chakras realign when you hit it. And you're on the vortex, you're more in touch with the planet. And I'm like, how do I have to get that? She goes, we're standing on the vortex. You just have to believe. And I'm like, then it's Tinkerbell. It serves no power. It can't do it. Like, I wouldn't walk by, go, there it is. Feel it. You have to believe in it. Like, couldn't I do that anywhere?

[Brett Vesely]

Do that in my kitchen?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, couldn't I just believe the vortex?

[Ronnie]

That's a vortex. So this is a vortex.

[John Holmberg]

She didn't care for my questions. We parted ways. I believe her last words were, you.

[Trevor]

Remind me of my ex husband.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, that's why you're up here. All right, I get it. Sorry about that. I mean, to wreck your life on your silly adventure, trying to get in touch with the planet. Pretty in touch with the planet. My feet hit it constantly.

[Brett Vesely]

Sedona is beautiful, don't get me wrong, but it's amazing. But it's Grifter's paradise up there, because that's all it is.

[John Holmberg]

All them rock stars and crystals and the geodes. Yeah.

[Brett Vesely]

And the vortex and the other things.

[John Holmberg]

Everything's magic. Like, everything up there is magic, mystical, and it's, you know, the regulars, pretty.

[Ronnie]

The townies.

[John Holmberg]

All the townies are those hippies. Well, they. A lot of the regular ones hate, like, the whole thing. Yeah. They moved up there and they realized, oh, this is just a big shell game up here. We're just anybody, you know. It's pretty easy to explain Sedona as far as volcanic rock and why it looks the way it looks and cool.

[Brett Vesely]

I can buy a red mud shirt.

[John Holmberg]

How come vortexes are never in ugly places? How come vortex. There's, like, not A vortex in Maryvale. I'll tell you why. Because you can't sell tourism there, so you start adding crap. There's nothing special about Sedona.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, Maryville dirt shirt.

[John Holmberg]

Doesn't that make them the dirt shirts in Sedona's?

[Ronnie]

Like, yeah, I get it.

[John Holmberg]

Because this is different. It looks different than a lot of places, but, you know, it's got magical powers. It's just because we think it's pretty. You know, somehow or another they find out that. That dump out there on the. On the beeline, just, you know, there's a vortex in the. In our trash dump. And you'd never go sit. You never see one of these ladies.

[Ronnie]

Salt lamps coming out of that place.

[John Holmberg]

I would like to start that. I'm gonna. Oh, we got a six o' clock word. I gotta get to that. But I would like to start that. That, you know, the lie and just find dirty, ugly vortexes and see how many divorced women go there or how many hippies try to find the. The inner peace at the.

[Dick Tolitto]

Wait, what?

[Brett Vesely]

You mean there's no vortex in Toledo, Ohio, or.

[John Holmberg]

Why is Levland? Detroit doesn't have a vortex. Why is it always just, like, gorgeous while there's a vortex there?

[Trevor]

Is there?

[John Holmberg]

I think you might just be making that up to make it more for you. I would love that. Like, yeah, man.

[Brady]

You ever been to the Maryvale vortex? Really get in touch with the planet? Come on, G. Come on, sit down.

[John Holmberg]

G. All right, now try to just breathe, you know, breathe. Breathe through your gills. Gills? You mean I don't have those? What are you talking about? Just breathe, man, and just kind of, you know, wash out everything that gets. Just ignore that, ignore that, ignore that, ignore that. That air you touch with a vortex.

[Brett Vesely]

You don't listen to Shaman Keyshawn, but it's Keyshawn.

[John Holmberg]

I'm gonna keep things quiet now. You're in the Maryvale vortex. Now, you sit next to the Brewers Stadium, and it's. Come on, now. Just ignore that. Ignore that. It's all right, it's all right. No, no, no. That is all right. That's part of the vortex. That's part of the getting back to the planet. The word for this morning for six o' clock is modern. Modern is the first word today. M, O, D, E, R, N. Modern. Get on that. Yeah, I always. I.

[Ronnie]

Right, now, the current vortex locations in Maryvale, Sedona, Arizona, Mount Shasta, California, Machu Picchu in Peru, the Great Pyramid of Egypt, and Olaru in Australia.

[John Holmberg]

Again, that's the Sedona of Australia. Absolutely stunning. Stunning locations. You know, your God put those all where resorts are.

[Brady]

It was a genius move.

[Ronnie]

Oh, stone inch.

[John Holmberg]

No way. Yes. Don't. Of course.

[Ronnie]

Don't you feel it there?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, do you ever. You walk, right? You're just walking along, going. So Brett, I don't know how they. The vortex. Oh, my God. I got to push me out of this. There's no vortex.

[Ronnie]

It's an invisible fence.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. It's like a big tube. You don't even know. John walked into the vortex. He's trying.

[Ronnie]

Out with white hair and a beard.

[John Holmberg]

I have seen the Lord. He was really in there the last time I felt this way. No, just ignore that. Was when I was in Maryvale. No such thing as the boards. I hate to. I hate to be the nihilist genius that I am, but it is true. You guys are. You've been snowed by money people. The vortex. And it changes you if you lay on it. Stop it. Goldberg's morning sickness radiate.

[Announcer]

All right, HMS Podcast, time again to let you know where to go for some great comedy in the valley this week downtown at Stand Up Live, you've got Moshe Kasher and the pride of Jacksonville, Florida, Lil Duvall performing Desert Ridge Up up north features the very funny Hans Kim. And Eastside at the Tempe Improv has two entertaining comedians with Alvin Kawai and awesome Yousef. For the complete lineups and for tickets, go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com and tempeimprov.com Listen.

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[John Holmberg]

Holg's morning sickness.

[Ronnie]

My buddy in in college, Dr. Goldtooth.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah.

[Ronnie]

Who went to the the pyramids in Egypt with a couple of girls in there in university, at school and right. She went to the vortex and ended up with Egyptian seed on her.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, that's right. That dude. That was that at the camel ride. Yeah, she took her tour guide through the vortex, hugging the camel driver. I don't want to call them what they are, but that's okay.

[Trevor]

Go ahead.

[John Holmberg]

He drives. He's riding a camel. And if you're a horse, she was in front. Anyway. There's a word for it, but, like. Anyway, so. Yeah, she was in the back, right? Oh, no, she's in the front. He's holding her. She got to sit.

[Ronnie]

Yeah, she got off. What a neat ride. Their walk. Walk down the. The path a little farther, itches her back. Ew. What's that?

[John Holmberg]

Egyptian gum.

[Ronnie]

Handed goo.

[John Holmberg]

And you goo her back because the ride's all bumpy.

[Brady]

Good news.

[John Holmberg]

That'S what. If you hear that going on behind you on the camel.

[Trevor]

I can't understand you.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, just. The pillman is gorgeous.

[Ronnie]

So. He's so upset. My buddy.

[Trevor]

My guy's asleep.

[Ronnie]

He goes back and smoking a cigarette, runs back and tries to catch this.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, you're.

[Ronnie]

But there's a thousand camels for the rides available.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. You gotta find the right one. Good luck. Find the one guy who's got his eyes are half closed. What's the one? Huh?

[Ronnie]

He's asleep on top of the camel.

[Brett Vesely]

Just try to sniff for a Sissu tree somewhere there in Egypt, and you might find him.

[Trevor]

I was riding along, and I think we hit the vortex because he went crazy for a second, then he passed out.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. John, can't we consider the people who do what you're saying, the chosen few that want to thin the herd? Well, I don't want. You know, I don't want people to die. I just want them to recognize reality. I struggle with that. I should probably loosen up a little on my hole. That isn't a thing. I. You know, you're allowed to have it, but you're also putting yourself in a position where, like Brett said, you go to. That there's nothing mystical about some hippie from AJ who moved to Sedona and cracked rocks in half and started to say that she found powers in them. And then, you see, you should.

[Ronnie]

In a lot of cases. You don't need to pay for it. You can just go up there and lay down.

[John Holmberg]

Well, that's just. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Like, you don't need a guide for that. That's the capitalist nature of it. Look, I can tell you right now, if I walk into your house, I can tell if your marriage is in trouble immediately by two things. If you've got cracked geodes or you've got a. And You're. And you're white. This white people marriage. I don't know. I mean, even I. Even a black marriage is in trouble. If you've got, like a dream catcher anywhere in your vicinity. If you've got geodes in the house that someone actually says, put power out. It's a rock. It's a pet rock. It's a pretty pet rock, but I mean, decorative. Sure. But if anybody actually in the house believes, and it's usually the woman, that the rock is creating a positive energy. She is so depressed and so miserable in that marriage, she doesn't know how to get out. So she's turned to rock. Like rock power. And I feel bad for that. That. And if you've got pictures on your. If you've got pictures on your fridge of how happy you are, like, too many of those.

[Ronnie]

The latest is it's made a resurgence, the bird theory.

[John Holmberg]

What's that?

[Ronnie]

It predicts if your relationship is doomed or not.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, let's hear it.

[Ronnie]

So the bird theories on tick tock. Basically, you go to your partner and you say, are there rocks? I saw a bird today.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Ronnie]

And hopefully they're in the middle of doing something. Whether. And you say that enthusiastically. And if their response. This is why you can tell if your relationship is. Dude. If there's no response, yeah, relationship's doomed.

[John Holmberg]

But if they just ignore you. Yeah.

[Ronnie]

If they go, what kind of bird did you see?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, come on. That's a terrible conversation, by the way.

[Ronnie]

And there seems to be a trend. It's nothing but women there.

[John Holmberg]

I was gonna say there's no dude who's gonna be all that interested and abroad coming in. She saw a bird. I see him every day. They're everywhere.

[Ronnie]

I saw a bird today.

[John Holmberg]

Now I get that all the time. I get videos of the kestrels and the things going on in my yard. We got some interesting bird activity.

[Ronnie]

So if you're responding.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, but I don't want to hear. I. Yeah, I respond to.

[Trevor]

I saw a bird today.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, okay. That's my. Good for you. I hear it, but I'm like, what am I supposed to say? Just a response.

[Ronnie]

What?

[Brady]

A bird on earth.

[John Holmberg]

Where, like, of course I see them constantly. Now tell me a story where the, you know, the subject of the story is a little bit more interesting. I saw a, you know, a bird with a cat in its hands today. Now we got a story. This is birds. I see birds all the time. Go outside right now and find a bird.

[Ronnie]

That's so stupid.

[Brett Vesely]

If Matthias came up, I Saw a bird, I'd be like, who gives us. You know?

[Ronnie]

I mean.

[John Holmberg]

But you've still a response.

[Brett Vesely]

I guess so.

[John Holmberg]

Did you hit your head? You moron? There's birds.

[Brett Vesely]

What's wrong with you?

[John Holmberg]

Let's go outside. I'm gonna show you some birds. This is not how people start stories.

[Trevor]

You're such an asshole. Don't you want to hear my stories?

[John Holmberg]

Let me tell you something about your stories. The ones that start with I saw a tree and then they stop. You're getting nothing from me.

[Trevor]

I saw a tree today.

[John Holmberg]

Fall in a car, kill a guy. What? Finish this.

[Trevor]

No, that's it.

[John Holmberg]

You retarded all of a sudden? What happened?

[Ronnie]

No Tree Rollins.

[John Holmberg]

That's huge. I would be like, what? The tree?

[Ronnie]

Where did you see him?

[John Holmberg]

I thought he was dead. Is he still big? Did he get fat? I got questions.

[Trevor]

Is that yoga?

[John Holmberg]

How do you know who Tree Rollins is? Wait a minute. Where were you? Why do you know Tree Rollins? What's going on? Yep, I'm going to the Vortex in Maryvale. Keyshawn will help. Ignore that, man. You know that.

[Ronnie]

All right.

[John Holmberg]

Got it.

[Ronnie]

That's the new sound.

[Brady]

Welcome to the Vortex.

[John Holmberg]

Ignore all that. We'll get to the laying down and relaxing in a minute.

[Ronnie]

You taking the gat class?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Vortexes are not effing. And it's Tinkerbell. The lady was absolutely right. You just have to believe. But, you know, you find a place, you enjoy a peaceful setting. Exactly. Oh, is that the bowls?

[Brett Vesely]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, God.

[Brett Vesely]

You mentioned it's a Maryville.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And I'll tell you, Brady's wife is doing to grift, hopefully as a capitalist later. But if she just broke out bulls while you guys are watching the World Series last night started play these, you're in. You're in massive trouble at home like she is. This is the work of a miserable woman. If she's doing it on her own now to go over and learn how to, you know, make people pay you to play these. Now that is a goddamn capitalist, and I couldn't love that more.

[Ronnie]

And right now she's paying.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, right now she's on the other end. She's getting grifted. It's just what she does after, like being interested in it. Sure. But when you take it home and if you start playing them home alone. Yeah, you better start.

[Ronnie]

I break him out. We have them, you know, Bring them in.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah. He's not allowed. He's not allowed to touch those. Or they're not. Brady's not allowed to Perform. Brady's not allowed to travel, though.

[Brett Vesely]

Who pays for him?

[John Holmberg]

You're not. You're not traveling. Bought him, right?

[Ronnie]

You want me to bring him in?

[John Holmberg]

I'll bring it in. I guarantee you Ronnie will be attached to those things, and she's taking them right out of this room. There's no possible way you're bring one in. You will not. Let me tell you right now, if you want to come home to geodes and a woman playing bowls, take one of her bowls to work. It's not show and tell, my friend. You can't do that. You're not allowed.

[Brett Vesely]

He brought his housekeeper for show and tell one time.

[John Holmberg]

He could bring. He can physically, yes, Brett, bring the bowl. But when he goes home, those Bulls.

[Ronnie]

I'm gonna ask.

[John Holmberg]

They'll be representative of a failing marriage. Don't do it.

[Ronnie]

Hey, I'm taking him. One of the Bulls.

[John Holmberg]

This is the one time. One time I'm gonna tell you, don't do this. This is like, I'm. I'm more normally. I'm on Brett's side. I just don't think this is a good idea. I want to see Bray lot this year. He doesn't.

[Larry McFeely]

He doesn't.

[John Holmberg]

He doesn't need the balls to represent failing everything.

[Ronnie]

What's one ball going to, right?

[Dick Tolitto]

Exactly.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, it's over. She's got him.

[Brett Vesely]

She's got the whole Chet set.

[Larry McFeely]

She's fine.

[John Holmberg]

You know, she's on the brink.

[Ronnie]

They're sitting there. They're not being used.

[John Holmberg]

If you're going to bring one. Oh, God, don't start that. If you're going to. If you're going to. If you're going to. That was bitter and passive aggressive.

[Trevor]

I paid for them, and nobody's using them. It's like, I bought her a guitar.

[John Holmberg]

Don't do that.

[Brett Vesely]

Pour some Cheerios if you're going to.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, either. Either that. I think that's hilarious, and I would like to see that happen. Or just steal one and try to replace it before she knows. Yeah, you can't bring these things to work. You're gonna be in that. You're gonna.

[Ronnie]

I'm eating cereal at it.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, you are on the brink. You're on the brink of either having a capitalist or a woman who wants out. That's what the Bulls represent. She's either gonna turn into a grifter or you're gonna start hearing things like.

[Trevor]

We have such different interests now.

[John Holmberg]

Like, there's some dude with the ponytails at your house a lot. That's what the Bulls represent.

[Ronnie]

We just have this as the background now.

[John Holmberg]

Terr.

[Ronnie]

Relaxing.

[John Holmberg]

Come on, man. You know why people sleep or get relaxed while this is going on? Cuz it's boring. You put me in a room and make me listen to this, I'm going to get there. I know, I know, I know. Everybody. Toledo came in and goes, what's wrong with the station? It's boring.

[Trevor]

You just have to believe.

[John Holmberg]

Well, that means it's nothing. That means I can. You know, I could believe in spaghetti, having superpowers, and if I do that, I'd be crazy. But it's mine. But I'd have to answer a few questions from normal folk. Yeah, the bowls, the rocks, the dream catchers for white people. Anything magical that you buy at a tourist store or a holistic kind of medicine thing. And they sell bowls that have magic. Anything with magic powers that enters your home and becomes like a focal point. Somebody in that house is not being fulfilled unless, and I'm hoping this is true, Ronnie's a capitalist and she's. All she wants to do is make some money off of her bull scam. I think that's gold. I encourage the hell out of that. And then you guys would go to see. You'd wake up laughing every night.

[Trevor]

What is it? I just started thinking about how we're.

[John Holmberg]

Making passive income off of you.

[Trevor]

You making people pay you to rub sticks on bowls.

[John Holmberg]

Man, oh man, what a.

[Trevor]

What a world. Anyway, good night. I've never been happier.

[Larry McFeely]

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[John Holmberg]

Holmberg's morning sickness.

[Ronnie]

She got a great deal on the bulls.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Oh, no. You keep worrying about the price. You got to stop that. That's very passive.

[Ronnie]

Well, because capitalism is not.

[John Holmberg]

I know, but. Well, you got to get invested. You're investing in the future of grifting, and that's what it takes. You take, you. You put in 100 to make 200. But you haven't gotten to that point yet. And it's up to her. Like, if she starts having people over for just free bowl night and doesn't have a second night where they have to pay, she's not good at it. She needs to grift hard. You got bulls. Where do the bulls. Do they live in a closet?

[Ronnie]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

She never breaks him out in a.

[Ronnie]

Room with all the. I'm feeling supplies.

[John Holmberg]

I'm feeling so tense, Brady. I just. We need to talk about the bird I saw today.

[Trevor]

Nah, we go in the other room and do that crap. I'm not paying you for this.

[John Holmberg]

The bulls.

[Ronnie]

I thought when I was reading about that bird test, I'm like, ours is solid. I mean, you could say, I saw a bird today.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Ronnie]

I'm an animal person.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah.

[Ronnie]

Really?

[John Holmberg]

That's a boring start to a story. I saw a bird today. And you're like, I just sit and wait, like, yeah. And if you don't have anything else, I'm like, yes.

[Ronnie]

Tell me about your responding.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I heard you. But that's just basically human decency. If somebody you talk to, you could say anything. I have a splinter. And if. If nobody is responding, you're just talking to a wall. That's different. That you could replace bird with anything.

[Ronnie]

It's always good to see how your relationship's doing with tests.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah. I love tests. Tests. And here's the other thing is basically what they're saying is if he doesn't pay attention to you even when you are being exceptionally vague and boring, then it's his fault. Instead of looking at yourself saying, I guess he ignores me because my stories over time have been so poor that this. He's just here, and I saw a bird today, and he thinks, I don't. I don't need this today. Come at me with a something to say.

[Trevor]

I. I went to him with something that was meaningless and boring, and he didn't respond.

[John Holmberg]

Did you hear yourself?

[Trevor]

That's a test. I should be able to say Something stupid and boring and have him be interested.

[John Holmberg]

Why would anyone think that's a good idea?

[Brett Vesely]

Look, toots, you failed, obviously. Jesus Christ, Go play.

[John Holmberg]

Somebody come at me whether I saw a dead body. Have you not seen a man move? We're. We're essentially just apes who learn to talk.

[Trevor]

I saw a dead body today.

[Brett Vesely]

We did poison hood.

[Ronnie]

Let's go see it.

[John Holmberg]

Exactly. Is it still. You think it's still there?

[Trevor]

That is not why I told you that. How come this became about you?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, my God.

[Brett Vesely]

There we go.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, here we go. Oh, here we go.

[Trevor]

Turn the game off.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, Christ. Yeah, I saw Bird today.

[Ronnie]

I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna get the bull going on game five tonight.

[John Holmberg]

Here's the thing. Here's. Here's a good man test. Come home and when your wife's doing whatever she's doing, walk in and go, you know, Brett's wife blows him three times a week. He said, and if she doesn't respond, your marriage is over. Most of the time they respond, oh.

[Trevor]

God, is that all?

[John Holmberg]

This is like, am I supposed.

[Trevor]

I saw a bird today?

[John Holmberg]

Am I supposed to fe.

[Ronnie]

For this?

[John Holmberg]

Is this gonna get me blown? It's all so easy.

[Brady]

Meat, blowjobs, happiness. That's it.

[Ronnie]

The Triad.

[Brady]

Meat, blowjob, sleep, joy.

[Brett Vesely]

What else is there?

[Brady]

There's nothing else.

[John Holmberg]

Nothing. Yeah, your marriage is in trouble because this dumb bitch just interrupt me to tell me about an effing bird. Yeah, I said. Sometimes when tourists at the bar I work at ask me about the vortex in Sedona, I tell them that it's actually a secret sex trafficking spot, just to see the look on their faces. Oh, yeah, that's where they traffic all the foreigners. Says, welcome to the Maryvale vortex. We're going to assume a pose we find very calming. Now, y' all lay down on your stomachs slightly. Sit your legs in place and sit your hands behind your back and do not resist. I said, stop resisting the police officer. See what's going on. He's in the vortex. He's locking him up. The word for six o' clock is modern. And believe in the vortex all day. Believe in Tinkerbell. Believe in whatever it is that makes you feel better, but don't start spewing it out to other people like it's real. Because my first counter to that is, how come there's no ugly vortex locations? Why is it all tourist destinations? And they got no answer for that, except for the ones that'll say, well, the spirits wouldn't have put it In a place that is visually unattractive. Why? It's a ball. It's a round ball. There's a chance that the vortexes could have landed in, you know, Iowa. They didn't. Doesn't make any sense. Is there any other place here in the state, like Niagara Falls probably has a vortex, like everywhere? There's a lot of T shirt sales, spring training. I'm sure that you can go over, get a cubbies throwback sandburg jersey, and maybe the vortex of Sloan Park.

[Brett Vesely]

What the hell is the vortex? I'm a man, so I don't understand what it looks.

[John Holmberg]

It's where if you go on hikes in Sedona, sometimes you'll see, like, rocks stacked up, up. And. And that's jokesters stacking rocks to make doors think this is one of the vortex. And they, they. They think that it's a thing to make it, like, I don't know, red.

[Ronnie]

Vortexes exist in two main ways. As a swirling fluid phenomena and as a torture energy site.

[John Holmberg]

Well, it's a spiritual energy site. That's where they get you. And they say that it sucks down into the planet's core and shoots back out into space and aligns you with the earth and itself and the inner. I didn't know mechanisms of that.

[Ronnie]

Physically, you can see vortexes and things like tornadoes, whirlpools, dust devils.

[John Holmberg]

You know what a vortex is, right? Yeah, it's spinning. Yeah, you can see a vortex.

[Ronnie]

But this is, you know, the spiritual vortex.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, they call them vacuums. Women should get in touch with those vortexes. That's a vortex too. You see inside that, Dyson makes the void vortex. There's your vortex. Put on your tie, dyed shirt and a pair of tight pants.

[Ronnie]

Cleans the best.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And you go vortex around the house.

[Brett Vesely]

But where is it? Is there a map to the vortex.

[John Holmberg]

Of Sedona they have.

[Brett Vesely]

Nobody can go there.

[John Holmberg]

Well, you can buy the map.

[Brett Vesely]

Oh, of course.

[John Holmberg]

There you go. And you can find the real vortexes, which is up by the airport.

[Brett Vesely]

There's some fake ones out there.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah, there's. I've made. I've made two or three myself. If I find a bunch of flat stones, I'm like, I'll build a vortex. And you need chicken wire for the vortex. So you got to build the stacked stones and then put some chicken wire around it.

[Brett Vesely]

Oh, my God. Oh, here. We can take a vortex tour for $175.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, well, of course you can, because it's not free, Brett. It's outside.

[Ronnie]

I would say I saw 70, 80% of the stacked rocks are people like you and I. Oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Stacking those rocks.

[Ronnie]

Let's just do it right here.

[John Holmberg]

If you have chicken wire and sometimes go to Sedona with loads of chicken wire, you'll make. And you'll. You'll start a tourist destination.

[Ronnie]

You'll see a ton around Bell Rock.

[John Holmberg]

Laura said, you jerks. I tuned in in the middle of this bull bit, and I couldn't figure out what was going on. I checked my appliances, the ac. I turned the radio off, and I'm like, hey, was it the radio? I checked my phone to see if my phone was broken. Bull sounds. Not relaxing.

[Ronnie]

The bull bit.

[Brett Vesely]

I must.

[John Holmberg]

Bring me one relaxed Indian and I'll start believing yoga work. But until then. And not high either. Not one that's been eaten like leaves. These people are so busy. They. They on their way to places. They just take in the street.

[Brady]

I do not have time after day. I don't have time. I could. My chakras are not aligned.

[John Holmberg]

It's white women that fell for that one. And the Indians go to. Every time I talk to anybody who's been to India, they're like, I. I never seen crime in my life. Pickpockets, poverty. There's a video of a guy who got there who's, like, asking for directions, and the guy's like, 20 rupee to see where I'm going.

[Brady]

20 rupee?

[John Holmberg]

No. Not gonna pay you that. And then everybody starts shuffling around, and he gets real aggressive with stuff and wants to sell you. They're constantly grifting over there. Their whole nation is grifting.

[Brett Vesely]

Well, you see the pictures of the Taj Mahal. It's like, oh, my God, it's beautiful. Except everything around.

[John Holmberg]

Do a street view.

[Ronnie]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Turn around in the Taj Mahal. Look across the street.

[Ronnie]

You have to get a grifting license.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. There is a vortex of happiness, and it's somewhere just at the top of my thighs. Women needs to know where to find it. With her mouth. And everyone will be happier.

[Trevor]

You guys are all pigs. You're just animals.

[John Holmberg]

We admit it. None of us are trying to hide that. We are so simple. You wouldn't need trips to Sedona to find the vortex if you just cave.

[Trevor]

If I blow him and give him.

[John Holmberg]

Meat, he's like, awesome.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah, there you go.

[John Holmberg]

Done. We love that. And I don't want steak and BJ Day thrown at me on my emails right now. That's one day that's us caving into them again. Should Be on the regular. Steak and BJ's.

[Ronnie]

That's it. Meat.

[John Holmberg]

Raw meat.

[Brett Vesely]

Sweet.

[John Holmberg]

BJ happy. That's it? That's all you got? Four keys to a man's heart. And any guy that says, I'm so much deeper than that, they'll listen to your cruddy bird stories and everything just because they're gay. Because they know at the end. That's exactly right. Because they know at the end of your cruddy bird story. Meet blowjob, sleep, happy. And then suddenly your stories are awesome.

[Trevor]

I saw a bird today.

[John Holmberg]

You're about to see another one in the foam of my middle finger. What are you talking about?

[Trevor]

Thanks for reacting.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, thanks for not telling the rest of that crud story. Let's get a wake up song, shall we? 585-9800. Hopefully you can bird watch on your way to work. Modern is the word. You can throw that in our take it in the app promo. It's a beautiful thing. And then scream it together with me. It's 98 KUPD.

[Ronnie]

Wake up. It's not weird.

[John Holmberg]

It's pretty cool actually. No membership fee. I have heard enough of this.

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