11-06-25 - Cardinals Place Kyler Murray On IR Quietly Benching Him It Seems - Matt Kalil's Ex Wife Went On Podcast And Said They Got Divorced Cause His Junk Was Too Big

Summary

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Podcast Summary: Holmberg’s Morning Sickness – Arizona

Episode: "11-06-25 - Cardinals Place Kyler Murray On IR Quietly Benching Him It Seems - Matt Kalil's Ex Wife Went On Podcast And Said They Got Divorced Cause His Junk Was Too Big"

Date: November 6, 2025

Hosts: John Holmberg, Brady Bogen, Brett Vesely, Big Dick Toledo

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Main Theme

This episode centers on two major water-cooler talking points: the Arizona Cardinals quietly placing quarterback Kyler Murray on Injured Reserve (IR), signaling issues with his future in Arizona; and a bizarre, viral story about former NFL player Matt Kalil's divorce, supposedly due to his anatomy—his ex-wife publicly claimed his penis was simply "too big." The hosts, in classic "Morning Sickness" fashion, mix irreverent humor with local sports insight.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Cardinals Place Kyler Murray on IR: What’s Really Happening?

• Holmberg suspects maneuvering behind the scenes:
  "[Kyler Murray] is now on emotional IR. There’s nothing about Kyler Murray’s injury that three weeks later should land him on the IR..." (02:44)

  • Believes the team tried unsuccessfully to trade Kyler and are preserving his trade value.
  • Host suggests there's a deliberate effort to sideline Murray and avoid media scrutiny about his future as starting QB.

• On the Cardinals QB situation:
  Discussion about third-string QB Keaton Slovis likely being forced to play, hinting at another rocky era for the franchise.

  • "Prepare for the Tyler Slovis era because Jacoby’s going to have something happen...and then you’ll be stuck with Tyler Slovis." (05:11)
  • Joking about the Cardinals dragging up old QBs: "Maybe Colt McCoy can come back for a minute." (07:14)

• Fan Loyalty and the Futility of Cardinals Fandom:

  • Holmberg advises suffering fans they don’t have to stick it out endlessly:
    "There are 28 viable options as franchises for you Cardinal fans to jump off this wagon. You don’t owe them anything." (07:23)
  • Compares loyalty to bad football teams to staying in toxic relationships; riffs on the analogy:
    "Kyle, I understand it hurts when someone calls your girlfriend a fat pig, but you’re dating a fat pig and she ain’t working out. The Cardinals are a big fat woman who’s not even combing her hair anymore." (10:07)

• Notable Quote:

  • “Why are we so loyal to our sports teams in such a terrible fashion? If they’ve never given you any joy, why are you still there?” — John Holmberg (07:23)

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2. Fan Relationships: When to Dump Your Team

• Holmberg on “quitting” the Cubs as a fan:

  • "Quitting it was great. Joy. Bailing on that disaster, that was toxic." (12:44)
  • Compares staying a die-hard to being "friends with your ex."
    “I pay attention to them, still, like when you get divorced but you’re still friends. I just no longer have any sexual interest in her.” (15:31)

• Brady and Brett discuss their own team fandom

  • Brett: "You grow up that way and you stick with it."
  • Holmberg: "I think that has to end at a certain age. I get it." (11:20)

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3. Matt Kalil Divorce Goes Viral: “His Junk Was Too Big”

• Haley Kalil's podcast bombshell:

  • She publicly attributes their divorce to Matt’s outsized anatomy:
    "She said it was like trying to shove two Coke cans stacked on each other. She goes, no, actually, probably closer to three. Three Coke cans. And she’s going public with it." (17:32)
  • The hosts treat the revelation with humor and incredulity, imagining legal proceedings and public reaction.

• Best Reactions from the Crew:

  • Brett: "I'd come strutting in that courtroom like George Jefferson... your honor, I’m just gonna let my ex wife tell everybody why we’re getting divorced..." (18:02)
  • Holmberg: "I'd be like, Brett's my new best friend." (19:04)
  • Jokes riff on the logistics and anatomy, including parody “solutions” and the impact on Kalil’s new partners.

• Kim Kardashian and Celebrity “Big Energy”:

  • Hypothesize who will pursue Kalil next.
  • “Every time there’s a big wiener rumor, [Kim Kardashian] comes poking her head in the door. Remember Pete Davidson?” (21:08)

• The Social Dynamic:
  Holmberg details how Kalil’s story instantly makes him more desirable to some women.

  • “The best trick ever on girls is to say, ‘No one’s ever made me finish.’... ‘Oh, you’ll finish with me, like I don’t think so...’” (24:32)
  • "Maybe it is her way of making it so he’ll...all other women find him repulsive, but he’s moved on." (33:41)

• Notable Quotes:

  • “She said the doctor said he was 0.01% of the male population on the planet. The doctor was even like, let’s take a look at this, see what we can do.” — John Holmberg (27:04)
  • “You’d be happier. Six o’clock word is ‘dollar.’ That’s what you need. I just want to give that little pep talk to Cardinal fans out there.” — John Holmberg (16:57)
  • "It's amazing that she's held off for three years on this story — she had to recover, Brady." (34:12)

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4. Pop Culture Leftovers: Tom Jones’s Legendary Anatomy, Too

• Briefly, the crew discusses musician Tom Jones and the old rumor that his anatomy hospitalized Elvira (the horror hostess), along with her “going lesbian.”
  “He almost killed Elvira with it. And I bet y’all Elvira’s been around the block.” (31:06)

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Memorable Moments and Quotes with Timestamps

• 01:13–02:44
  Holmberg opens with Arizona weather, painting a motivational, comedic backdrop before jumping into sports talk.
• 02:44–05:11
  Full analysis of Kyler Murray’s mysterious IR stint and what it means for the Cardinals’ rebuild.
• 07:23
  Holmberg's analogy comparing bad teams to bad relationships:
  "There are 28 viable options...You don’t owe them anything."
• 10:07
  "Kyle, I understand it hurts when someone calls your girlfriend a fat pig, but you’re dating a fat pig and she ain’t working out.”
• 17:31–19:04
  Haley Kalil’s viral revelation about their divorce — “three Coke cans” — and the crew’s comic reactions and how men might wish for such notoriety.
• 21:08
  Imaginative riffing: “Every time there’s a big wiener rumor, Kim Kardashian comes poking her head in the door.”
• 27:04
  The doctor’s reaction to Matt Kalil’s anatomy: “0.01% of the male population.”
• 31:06
  Tom Jones/Elvira and the power of legendary reputation.
• 34:12
  “She had to recover, Brady… The surgery scars had to heal before. She’s gotta basically tell everybody, 'I’ve sprung back.'”

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Flow and Tone

True to the show’s signature blend, the hosts riff off Arizona sports drama and viral pop culture with irreverence, local knowledge, and “guy talk.” Holmberg leads with sarcasm and wry motivation, weaving between empathetic commiseration for long-suffering fans and mockery of pro sports dysfunction. The banter on Matt Kalil’s personal life is wild, unfiltered, and emblematic of the show’s over-the-top tone.

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Useful Segment Timestamps

• 02:44 – Cardinals put Kyler on IR, hosts dissect what it means
• 07:23–11:00 – Fan loyalty, why people stick with “bad” teams
• 15:31–16:57 – John’s confession on quitting fandom and the "six o’clock word"
• 17:31–20:30 – Matt Kalil’s divorce story and reactions
• 24:32–26:00 – “Best trick” for male appeal, Kalil’s future with women
• 31:06 – Tom Jones, Elvira story, and parent’s reactions

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Closing Note

This episode expertly blends topical sports controversy with ribald humor and cultural commentary, landing plenty of laughs and sparking local debates. Holmberg’s Morning Sickness offers both a roast of the Arizona Cardinals’ continuing woes and a sideshow of viral internet oddities.

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Transcript

[Brett Vesely]

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[John Holmberg]

Still streaming Homur's morning sickness [e-mail] Good morning, everybody. Hello there. Welcome to Thursday. It's 5:45, the morning sickness. My name's John. There's Brady. There's Brett. There's Big Dick Toledo. And we're off and running for a glorious morning with that great big wet beaver moon. What was it called? Big Beaver Moon. That's right. The wet beaver moon is. I think that's earlier in the year. Yeah, it's the big beaver moon. If you get a chance before you kind of start vegging your way and zombie off to work, take a look up at that thing. It's pretty neat. It's good. Bright morning, too. Gorgeous outside. Once again, you live in paradise. I'm going to remind you on a regular BAS crisis that this is the time to be here. Yesterday I was driving down the road and the sun was setting. And I'm looking at. I think it was Papago and like just all the. It was just ridiculous. The colors. Oh, it was camelback. I was going down Lincoln Camelback. And it's just ridiculous. Like everything in October in this state is absolutely stunning. Just stupid pretty. So I'm gonna be the one that tells you to embrace it. Don't forget where you're at, because it is absolutely. And they may be having a bad day, but look around and just go, you know what? This ain't so bad. I'm gonna make today better. Gosh, I'm motivational. When the weather's right, gets hot. I understand. Like, chew on a poster. Yeah, no, we should. Nothing better than having my face on a poster. Tell you how your day can be better. Oh, put you in.

[Brady]

Hanging next to the cat.

[John Holmberg]

Now I'll be hanging in the tree going, at least you're not my face. And they'll be like, hey, that guy's right. Look around. It's pretty nice out. Feel great about myself. It's flat. Beautiful, man. It is absolutely awesome outside. And then, of course, the story. I think every man reads this. I'll get your six o' clock word here in a little bit. Don't worry about it. I'm thinking about the story that I've gotten. Well, let's start here then. Kyler Murray is now on emotional ir. There's nothing about Kyler Murray's injury that three weeks later should land him on the ir, but he's now on the ir, which means. I've been talking about the friend of mine this morning. They tried to shop him. I guarantee I'm right about. They tried to shop him. The prices were not right for either side. He's stuck here. And instead of putting Jonathan Gannon in a spot to say, I replaced Kyler Murray through injury, which you're not supposed to do, and to keep his psyche quiet, keep paying him and say, look, dude, we're saving your ass here. We're. We couldn't move you, we would have moved you. He's not happy here. They're putting him on, you know, injured reserve for the time being. Now, maybe it doesn't end the season for him, but eight weeks.

[Brady]

I'm with you.

[John Holmberg]

They're preserving him and preserving him. It's been. He's been re. He was ready, almost ready to go last week.

[Brady]

They can close this deal so easy if they just added some WeatherTech mats. Yeah, Rust proofing.

[John Holmberg]

The rust proofing and an Xbox. Yep, Throwing an Xbox. This dude, he'll. He'll take less money if you give him, like, access to the Xbox world or God forbid, you give him a tour of the PlayStation facilities or Rockstar games. Oh, my goodness.

[Brett Vesely]

Kyla say he could have went in last week there was a chance that he could.

[John Holmberg]

Right before the game, they're like, he's inactive. It's still. Still not quite right, but he's almost there. So now suddenly he won't be playing for the next four weeks for sure. It won't even be eligible. And that just takes the argument off the table, for media sake, that that screams to me that internally there's a little bit of work. We're not playing you, and I don't want you to go crazy, but we're going to. Yeah, we're going to. And if you don't want to play here, that's fine, too. Something ain't right down there in Arizona Cardinal land. And I think Cardinal fans like, good, the argument's over. But that made it a lot easier for Jon Gannon, who has placed his feet in mud by saying over and over, no, Kyler's starting. When he comes back, he's my guy. Even though clearly they've been a little bit better off with Jacoby Brissette. So there you go, Cardinal fans. You get to start over again next year.

[Brady]

It's a tough place. You got to keep the value on him if you can.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah, you can. You can't risk that injury that's tweaked a little to get worse. So you definitely, like, it's not perfect and I'm not going to risk this. And then Gannon even said yesterday there's still a chance at the end of the season he comes back. I really hope that happens. I something terrible would have to be on the board. Here's my prediction for the rest of the Cardinals season especially, and I'm going to say it happens this weekend. Oh, you're going to hate me. Guys, prepare for the Tyler Slovis era because Jacoby's going to have something happen to him this weekend. Dig him up, maybe a rib or something, and then you'll be stuck with Tyler Slovis. I think his name's Tyler, his last name Slovis. That's their third string quarterback who has now been bumped up to two. Slovis will be the most the guy that you're going to be selling your tickets to other people for for low, low prices. The Slovis era begins in the third quarter of this weekend's game.

[Brady]

Gets the Sea Chickens.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, they got Seahawks.

[Brady]

Six and a half.

[John Holmberg]

Is the COVID Well, they're going to cover. Well, maybe not. It depends if Jacoby can put. But the Seahawks are killing quarterbacks right now. So here comes Mr. Seahawks. Yeah, here. Oh, Here come. I got. I wish I had my Russian national anthem right now. I want to test that out. Keaton Slovis. Keaton, that's right.

[Brady]

Was he from the. He was USC quarterback, right?

[John Holmberg]

Tyler Sluck or Slough or whatever is. I don't know. I don't know who. Mr. Keegan. Keegan.

[Brady]

Keegan.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, that's not even a name. Keaton Slovis. No. I'll get used to the Keaton Slovis era and the Seahawks will put it in. Seahawks knocking quarterbacks out last week. And for the future. So, Jacoby, I don't wish injury upon you. It's just inevitable that the Cardinals will have Slovis start for a few games and then they're going to make a call to like Max hall and say, I know you haven't played for a few years. We want to come back for a couple of minutes because we got nobody left.

[Brady]

Hey, Skelton, what are you doing?

[John Holmberg]

Max Hall. Kevin Cobb might make a. I'm 40, but I can still do this. Maybe.

[Brett Vesely]

Where's old coach Cope McCoy.

[John Holmberg]

Okay, maybe Colt McCoy can come back for a minute. Yeah, yeah. Little Colt McCoy was around. Yeah, that's not bad.

[Brady]

Moved on, I think. Keaton quarterback somewhere.

[Brett Vesely]

Oh, is it.

[John Holmberg]

The hell is a Keaton? I didn't even come up with that name. Keaton Slovis. Well, that'll happen. So count on it, Cardinal fans. You're going to be cheering for Keaton Slovis. And I tell you this, there are 31 viable options. Well, wait, there's 28 viable options as franchises for you Cardinal fans to jump off this wagon. You don't owe them anything. And if they continue to stink annually and you got to start over next year, let me highly recommend moving on the. I would tell you this if it was a woman, but we just are so loyal to our sports teams in such a terrible fashion. If they've never given you any joy, why are you still there? I understand a Patriots team going through a rebuild. Steelers, packers, even the Cowboys to a certain degree. But they're getting close to Balin. Why do we do this to ourselves? Why are we so loyal to Stick Giant? Nobody's ever stuck a sticker of their wife on the back of their car. But some guys will wreck brand new cars with humongous logos of their favorite football team. And when I see them, and it's my team, too, I'm like, yeah, wrecked his hundred thousand dollar G wagon with a Steelers decal on the window. Yeah.

[Brady]

By the way, Keaton Desert Mountain Scottsdale High School.

[John Holmberg]

Well, that's even worse that he wasn't good enough for me to actually go. That kid's going to be a pro someday. Good for you, Keaton. He's good enough to go pro, but.

[Brady]

Did his three years at usc.

[John Holmberg]

Good for you. Keaton Slovis Never heard of. You don't watch college football. Absolutely. Don't watch Pac12 football back in the USC days when they just scored 60 points, but it didn't matter.

[Brady]

Well, he started out at byu.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, he's a Mormon on top of it all. Anyway, that'll be the one. I'm. That's what I'm putting my money on. If I could go with a fanduel on that one right now, maybe underdog has that. Underdog has the higher, lower quarters that Jacoby Brissette has left. And Keaton Slovis becomes the face of the franchise. Oof.

[Brady]

Wonder if they do. That would be a good one.

[John Holmberg]

Be a nice little. A nice little offering. So I just got attacks. Screw you. I know Cardinal fans. I'm sorry. Don't you put that evil on me, Ricky Bobby. All this BS you're talking about the Cardinals, I think it's going to come back your way. Aaron Rodgers is going down. Maybe. Maybe. But wouldn't you think that a Cardinal fan yelling at a Steeler fan would say, you guys are about to be in quarterback purgatory and rebuild, too? We've been rebuilding. And we're 9 and 8 or 10 and 7 every year during the rebuild. It's not been that bad. You guys have never actually rebuilt anything. Who do you have more faith in figuring it out, the Steelers franchise or the Cardinals franchise?

[Mike King]

Sure.

[John Holmberg]

Aaron Rodgers. He's a rental. He might get hurt. And then we're like, oh, well, this season's over. That's true of all quarterbacks, but your quarterbacks get hurt, and you guys are on the clock. And you are on the clock anyway. Just saying. Kyle, I understand it hurts when somebody calls your girlfriend a fat pig, but you're dating a fat pig and she ain't working out. The Cardinals are a big fat woman who's not even combing her hair anymore.

[Brett Vesely]

She hasn't worked out in a few.

[John Holmberg]

Years, and she keeps expecting you to buy things for her. How come you don't have a detail of me on the back of the car? Because I don't see a future with you. You're not loyal. You're a bad fan. All right, all right, I'll go. You're right. I feel Bad. We're trying. I guess that's true. All right, I'll put another decal. Why didn't you do the garage floor with one of the Cardinals logos? John did it for the Steelers on his basketball court.

[Brady]

Court.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Because they've given him joy. I'm trying. All right. All right, I'll do it. Is it because your closet is so cardinal heavy that you can't quit? Why are you a Bears fan? Is it because you've got so much Bears stuff already?

[Brett Vesely]

You grow up that way and you stick with it. I mean.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I think that has to end at a certain age. I get it. Yeah. I think you have to quit.

[Brett Vesely]

But we've had one.

[Brady]

The heritage team.

[John Holmberg]

You have had one. You know the joy.

[Brett Vesely]

I know the joy of it. In my lifetime, I've seen it.

[John Holmberg]

So I won. Yes. And then it seemed like for a few years you've. You were going to keep doing that, and then just the wheels fell off for some reason.

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[John Holmberg]

But, man, this is talking about, you.

[Brady]

Know, generations in advance in a big market, Chicago, people just have cling to the teams.

[Brett Vesely]

I don't get why that's the same in baseball with you with the Cubs for how many years, too?

[John Holmberg]

You know what I'm telling you from experience, quitting, it was great. Joy bailing on that disaster, that was toxic.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah, but I'm not jumping on a bandwagon like, what am I supposed to do? Go to be a Cardinals fan because I live here now?

[John Holmberg]

No, no. God, no. I'm not telling you to ever leave the Bears for The Cardinals. That's leaving a fat, ugly girl for a fat, ugly girl. Hey. I'll burn you. You remind me of my ex. Have you ever said that to anybody you wanted to spend time with? She's just like my ex.

[Brett Vesely]

F. No.

[John Holmberg]

What are you doing? Find something different.

[Brady]

The weather's warmer, so she's gonna be in half shirts more often.

[John Holmberg]

And I'm body positive. Oh, God. She's body positive. She thinks she's something. That's what the Cowboys have become, a body positive fat girl. She still walks around with swagger. I was a pageant winner in the 80s. What happened? I don't know.

[Brady]

Cowboy boots?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. She's like. Well, back in 93, I won Ms. America. Yeah, but you have done nothing good since. I still look good. I just gotta work on it. Yeah, now you're dating a big fat pig that used to be a beauty queen.

[Brett Vesely]

You got three people already. Keep it up. Juno's. You're gonna have Kyler next year and.

[John Holmberg]

Maybe he'll be good with the Steelers. It'll probably work out. I know my team's fate right now. It's not been great, but we win every year. At least it's been like it hasn't. Our pain is we keep winning and not enough. We win 10 games a year, you know there's going to be so much not acceptable.

[Brady]

Yeah, pretty much.

[John Holmberg]

We're going to win. It's just what our expectations are. No. No. 10 games. No, we need 13 a year. And we need to compete for Super Bowls. We're mad that our team is not winning playoff games, but we go every year. You guys have to rebuild constantly. You could call me. Juno's all you want. I'm right about this, and trust me, I've changed my tune. When I was forced by you guys who remembered my claim against the Cubs that if the Diamondbacks made it to the World Series after two animal sacrifices, which actually are real, they went to the World Series twice after killing animals. That's what they do. I would highly recommend they throw baseballs at birds all through spring training. See if they can pull this off again because they're two for two. And I said if they go to the World Series, and this was in May, and I'll quit being a Cubs fan because the Cubs are pissing me off anyways. The new owners, all this stuff made me mad. And then they did it, and I kind of reluctantly gave up on the Cubs. Ah. It was the most freeing thing I've ever felt in my life. I pay attention to them. Still like, you know, when you get divorced. But they're still friends. I'm still friends with the Cubs. I just no longer have any sexual interest in her. I'm happy for her if she bangs other dudes.

[Brady]

Truly just friends.

[John Holmberg]

We're just friends. We're just friends. I'd love to go out with. I'll occasionally have a lunch with the Cubs during the playoffs. I'm like, I'm gonna sit down and watch my ex. I hope she does well. It's nice.

[Brett Vesely]

What?

[John Holmberg]

But I don't care if she does. That's what I'm saying. Some people have that breath. Some people have friendships with their ex. It's almost like we've got kids together. I've got a closet full of memories. What?

[Brady]

It is.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Yeah. Well, they were a waste of time before.

[Brett Vesely]

That's true.

[John Holmberg]

It says so Kyler Murray is the DeAndre Ayton Colin Kaepernick of the Cardinals. Yeah, he absolutely is. He is just a weirdo who's kind of banged himself out of it. I'm just. I'm trying to be realistic for you Cardinal fans. And I'm telling you, it's not so bad when you start seeing this stuff and just when you are. When you are considering buying. Buying a Keaton Slovis jersey. Maybe I should get one of these. Kid look pretty good in that last game. You're going to get excited for him because nobody's got tape on him. He'll come out and throw for 250 yards in a game. Be like, hey, we got something here. And then he'll become Max Hall. Trust me, you guys would be happier. Six o'. Clock. Word is $d o l l a r. That's what you need. I just want to give that little pep talk to Cardinal fans out there. It's not going to be easy. Slovis. Then you got to play Matthew Stafford later and it'll be the Slova Stafford Battle. And you're going to see what it could be like and what it is. It's not easy. And then the flip side. On the NFL, Brady and I were talking about this off the air. I pray to God that someday it's not going to happen. Brady's all of us that I know a man whose wife goes public with the reason they got divorced and it wasn't because they couldn't get along. It's because the dude's dick was, as she describes, maybe three Coke cans long. It's like having three Coke cans in a row. Yeah. Her name is Haley Khalil.

[Mike King]

What do you expect?

[John Holmberg]

Look at that. Yeah. And she dated Matt Khalil, and she said he's a big man, and they tried everything they could to have sex together, but couldn't because his size was so enormous that it just. She just couldn't do it. And it wasn't even about her body. She is just one of them normal vaginas. And he had. She said it was like trying to shove two Coke cans stacked on each other. She goes, no, actually, probably closer to three. Three Coke cans. And she's going public with it. And if there's been a divorce in history, that's better. I haven't seen it.

[Brett Vesely]

I'd come strutting in that courtroom like George Jefferson.

[Brady]

Go.

[Brett Vesely]

Moving on up, man.

[John Holmberg]

Your honor, I'm just gonna let my ex wife tell everybody why we're getting divorced and why it's. They can't be reconciled. Go on, honey, please. His dick is so big. Your honor. Yeah, go ahead, tell him, baby. You guys can't get along long enough because of his big wiener. We both want to be physically pleased, and it's just impossible. He's got that gigantic giraffe neck.

[Brady]

They tied the knot in 2015.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. She's been trying to jam it in there for. For nine years. She's like, I can't do this, man. Nine years. Couldn't even, like, babies come out of women. And that's what it's like. She said it was like giving birth, just getting it just miserable. And then add the. Add in the fact that, you know, he's tapping into the bottom of her lungs. It's the best thing I've ever heard anyone talk about with divorce. If I ever heard your ex wife say, I loved Brett, I wish I could have stayed with him, but his dick was so huge that we had to get divorced. I'd be like, rest. My new best friend.

[Brett Vesely]

I wouldn't be with you guys. I'd be in the movies.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Why would you this early in the morning? I would sit you down in the office and go, I gotta let you go. What's the matter? Your dick's too big to work here? What?

[Commercial Announcer]

That's what my wife said.

[John Holmberg]

I know you need to move on with big dick dreams, but what. How did they.

[Brett Vesely]

She knew going in.

[John Holmberg]

She thought eventually she could. It's a ball glove.

[Brady]

Got married for a couple years.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. You're breaking a ball glove with a baseball. You're breaking a ball glove with a softball. This dude was a Hyundai, and it.

[Brett Vesely]

Was just stretch it out or what?

[John Holmberg]

Tie something around it. She needed to go home and put a thing of canned yams in there and just tie a string around it and walk around all day.

[Brett Vesely]

Butterball, turkey or something.

[John Holmberg]

Yes, I'm in there. One of those family sized pack of beans, you know, and just sit down on that and just go, this is the lot I've chosen. And loosen that thing up. Couldn't do it.

[Brady]

She got into it at, you know, basically 23, right around there now she's 33.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And for the first year or two, they just like, oh, she's just so tight. And then it's like, no, it's you, man. This thing. And then she probably watched some porn and said, why are all these little wienered guys making so much money? She was young. She thought it would work itself out. And then after a while she's like, I'm not enjoying this at all. This dude's a airport windsock.

[Brett Vesely]

I got on the flip side of it, though. Now any dude seeing her is gonna be like, whoa.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah. Now that's the problem. Now maybe there was a nice payout to make her comfortable with that.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

But yeah, she's got a. She's got a. Got a cavern. She's good. She's got to wear. And that cavern, that still wasn't big enough. Yeah, it's going to make you and I bounce around like we're playing pinball. Yeah. So that's a great story and congratulations to Matt Khalil, who's going to die of a heart attack as the blood flow to that. And here's where I say, and this is. This has happened in the past. Enter Kim Kardashian. It's been a while since we've had her banging somebody barrister, but every time. Well, not yet. She can't pass test. Every time there's a big wiener rumor, she comes poking her head in the door. Remember Pete Davidson?

[Brady]

Yep.

[John Holmberg]

All the rumors about him.

[Brett Vesely]

Beckinsale the same way, too. Who isn't Kate Beckinsale?

[John Holmberg]

Beckinsale likes a big one. I don't know if she likes the harmful size, but she likes a big one. But Kim Kardashian always pokes her head around the corner, goes, somebody says, somebody in here's got a bde. Metcalfe's like, yeah, how you doing? Hi, I'm Kim Kardashian. I can take your wad. And then he's like, wow, Pete Davidson. The only reason he dated her was Kim Kardashian said out loud. Rumor was he had A big one. And I was into some BD energy at that point, and I needed it. So I tested it out. She didn't care about his personality. And then there he was for a couple months hosing that till she was like, all right, that's enough of that. Somebody's ready for it. If I was a matchmaker, Kim Kardashian, Matt Khalil. They're the couple of 20, 26. She's gonna poke her head in there. She's gonna look around going, hey, I got four kids. Two of them came out of me, and two of them I paid to keep this thing together. You want to see it?

[Brady]

Kardashian threw Pete off so bad, he bought a State 9 ferry.

[John Holmberg]

After they broke it off with Colin Jost, he bought a boat. And he. And he. And John. Colin Jost did that because it was like, man, get my BDE out here. Maybe Rose with it. But was he aft.

[Brett Vesely]

Was. Was she after.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, Ariana Grande.

[Brett Vesely]

Okay.

[John Holmberg]

She was one of the ones.

[Brett Vesely]

So he destroyed her too.

[John Holmberg]

Then, evidently, she took that like a champ. I heard her do interviews about it. She was like, it's great. When I saw it, I was like, all right, it's gonna take some work. Damn. Ariana said in an interview that the mouth was off. She got a big mouth too. She's like, I was just not gonna happen. Yeah. Those are the types of stories no one will tell about me, ever, ever, ever. You leave me, you never have that. I couldn't be with him anymore. He was just too big. And dudes will take that. We'll take a life of no sex. If the reason why is well known, then it's like, I'll kill you with it. It's too dangerous to bang me. That's a great thing. Hey, Matt, I heard about your wearing. Sorry. Yeah, I know. It's a tough, tough life. You want to see it? Yes, I do. Here it is. Three Coke cans, just like she said.

[Brady]

You want the Khalil drill?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Can't have it. You got to be pretty huge for that. I've. I'm having a sex doll made. It's about the size of an elephant. I'm gonna start nailing that.

[Commercial Announcer]

All right, HMS Podcast, time again to let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley. This week, downtown at Stand Up Live, you've got Moshe Kasher and the pride of Jacksonville, Florida, Lil Duvall performing Desert Ridge up north features the very funny Hans Kim. And Eastside at the Tempe Improv has two entertaining comedians With Alvin Kawhi and Bo Awesome Youssef. For the complete lineups and for tickets, go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com and tempeimprov.com why.

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[Brady]

Can I make my sight softer?

[John Holmberg]

Can I make my site firmer? Can we sleep cooler?

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[John Holmberg]

Holmberg's Morning Sickness. And then the worst part about it is this story will be the greatest thing that's ever happened to Matt Khalil. Because women love hearing that the last girl couldn't take it. They're gonna be the one. It's the best trick ever on girls is to say, no one's ever made me finish for moral what I could. I'm great at it. No, you can't. No one can do it. It's not that great. I'll show you. That worked at Tony Roma's like four times. Telling girls that I don't. That I like it, but it's. There's. I've never been able to. Oh, really?

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Can't. I can't finish. You can try, but I can't finish. Oh, you'll finish with me. Like, I don't think so. You'll see. And girls that didn't even like me, like, this is working. And then I'd be like, oh, oh, oh. Hey, you are good at it. I told you.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Who won here?

[Brett Vesely]

Showed me.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, did I not give the word? Dollar? I gave it up. Dollar. Yeah. Toledo came in with a word. Communist word word. Toledo. Dollar is the six o' clock word. Yeah. So that's a pretty good one. But the Kardashians gonna come in and Matt Khalil's gonna get every girl's like, I heard your last girlfriend couldn't take it. I can. And they're gonna try. And a lot of them will fail. But you know who's gonna win that fight every time? Matt Khalil. Congratulations, Matt. You're today's man of the year. That is a great one. And he looks like he's out of breath carrying that thing around. If you ever look at a picture of him but, yeah, she went on some podcast to talk about, like, why she got divorced. And that's a good woman right there. It's tough to let that go. Just couldn't take the size. It's just so ample. Anything else wrong with the marriage?

[Brett Vesely]

No.

[John Holmberg]

Just felt like I was getting hit by a Peterbilt every single day, and I had to go, she's pretty, too.

[Brady]

And then it gets into that mix. Halle Bailey.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, Halle Bailey. Halle Berry. Halle Berry. There's too many of these people with similar names that are getting famous. Her name is Haley Berry. No, Halle.

[Brady]

Halle Bailey.

[John Holmberg]

Bailey. Then there's a Halle Berry. Then there's a Haley Berry. It's too many of these, and I don't know which one's what, but none of them can take Matt Khalil's crank. Her name is Haley Khalil, but they keep going back to her maiden name. I just stick with the Haley Khalil. That doesn't conf. Confused me as much because maybe she.

[Brady]

Sticks with that as her influencer name or handle. If she's still doing.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, she's doing Instagram. She even said she looked up doing, like, lipo on his wang. What? Yeah, they were going to try to.

[Brett Vesely]

Did he agree to this?

[John Holmberg]

Ready to suck somebody?

[Brady]

Here's where the divorce.

[John Holmberg]

He's like, I love you so much. I'm willing to talk about it, but it ain't happening. We need to shrink it. No, no. We need to grow you. Such a great story. She said the doctor said he was, like, 0.01% of the male population on the planet. The doctor was even like, let's take a look at this, see what we can do. Your wife probably could stretch out and maybe.

[Commercial Announcer]

Holy smokes.

[John Holmberg]

Nope. No way. You gotta divorce that woman. You're gonna kill her. Doc, I got a problem. I would go to every doctor in the world. It could be Johns Hopkins. Got a problem. Let's see. What is it? Yeah, we can't do anything about that. We're. Cut it down. What's the problem? What you bitching about? What do you think you're a woman. We could dice this up. It would look like, you know, a smorgasbord of, like, multiple pieces of sausage. What are you thinking here? Could you take a little off the top? I'm gonna punch you square in the nose, macalew. You're living every man's dream.

[Brady]

You think the women are Eventually. Are you that former Viking with the giant dong?

[John Holmberg]

We can't go out. Says, don't forget he's got a brother named Ryan who played in the NFL. John burning question, is he hung too, or is it not one of those examples where the lesser brother has to hear about this now? That's true. Like, Ryan Khalil is now in the locker room going, yeah, I didn't get one of those.

[Brett Vesely]

And then. And his locker guys are like, damn, what happened to you, brother?

[John Holmberg]

Your brother took all of it. Shared a woman. He sucked up even the next dude's wang.

[Brett Vesely]

This is like twins.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, yeah. I'm the Danny DeVito penis. He's the Arnold one. And she went on. It's like, we tried everything. It was impossible. Unless you didn't mind crying every time. He was like two Coke cans on top of each other and maybe even a third. And then the host of the lady was just her. Like, they were loving it. They were just thinking, that's awesome, instead of just going, oh, you poor girl. They weren't even emotionally supportive of this girl who had just been bone tomahawked in the center of her life. They had a baby. He put a baby in her. His sperm came out the size.

[Brady]

I don't know.

[John Holmberg]

Sperm was like a kindergartner. It just walked in. Get in here. Yeah, it would be like a. A broken hose, for God's sakes. Anyway, congratulations, Matt Khalil. Reading that story was fantastic. Pretty good stuff. There's a body positive one out there, too, called Haley Belly. Evidently. I don't know about her, but she's evidently a big, fat Halle Berry. Haley Berry, Haley Belly. I don't know what's going on out there with this name. This one said John. Do you ever see the story about Elvira? The time she was with Tom Jones and she ended up in the hospital because of his crank? That has been a rumor about Tom Jones because he used to wear those tight pants on purpose. And it didn't look like he stuffed his pants. Although that I remember my mom liked Tom Jones a lot. And we were watching, you know, he goes on stage and starts that. Not unusual to be. My mom's like, oh, he is just a dreamboat. And I remember being a little kid and kind of being mad because I didn't realize your mom was a human being. And she wasn't supposed to, like, she didn't have desires. So I found it creepy. So I was like 5, and we were watching TV and my mom flipped out about Tom Jones. I'm like, you're not supposed to like anybody but him. Like, I got. And my dad's sitting there Going Tom Jones. You know that's fake, right? And I didn't get that part until later. And then you realize that down his leg was this mammoth piece. It shouldn't have been on tv. Like, it was an outline of a. Of a wiener, and he almost killed Elvira with it. And I bet y' all virus been around the block. That thing wasn't. That thing wasn't, you know, showroom fresh when she was banging Tom Jones, but.

[Brady]

Well, she flipped his camera from Men.

[John Holmberg]

She went lesbian.

[Brett Vesely]

That's.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's what I heard Elvira did. Yeah.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

I didn't know that.

[Brady]

I think she's had a partner for a while.

[John Holmberg]

No kidding. Since when? When she got old after Tom Jones. Well, Tom Jones destroyed it, so I'm not doing that twice. But was she older when she. I didn't know. Elvira's a lesbian.

[Brett Vesely]

Yeah, no kidding.

[John Holmberg]

Huh? Way to go, Tom Jones.

[Brett Vesely]

Somebody's saying that Matt's already remarried.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, we have her wife. His wife's on the line right now, Ms. Khalil. Are. Yeah, that's her. That's her for sure. That's authentic. Her mouth doesn't work anymore. It stretched her lip muscles out. She has to only eat soup, and it ain't pretty.

[Brady]

His brother Ryan looks like he's been married since 2008.

[John Holmberg]

She's. She's not going on any podcast. Ryan's fine. Should have had that one. That's Matt Khalil's new wife. And is that his infant? That's. What? It's a boy. Good Christ. Lucky little bastard. And he's got a pretty wife.

[Brett Vesely]

The other one might have been a.

[John Holmberg]

Little bit better, though. The other one was pretty.

[Brett Vesely]

Oh, look, she's crying.

[John Holmberg]

Of course. She just finished lovemaking. It's traumatic. Sorry. Oh, there she is. Feeling that baby. That might not be a baby bump. That might be in. He's in her right there. That's. That's not it. She's not pregnant. He's just behind her. Oh, my God. Yeah, she's. She's got. She looks scared.

[Brett Vesely]

She's like Bruce Willis's girl in Pulp Fiction almost.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah. Adriana or whatever. Blueberry pancakes. Oh, there she is, kind of naked. That's pretty good.

[Brett Vesely]

What does that just say?

[John Holmberg]

I think Matt Kalil might be an ass man, and unfortunately, that's never gonna be an option for him. She's very pretty. Good for you, Matt.

[Brett Vesely]

I love them stretch marks. So attractive. That's from him?

[John Holmberg]

It is. He wrote that about his own life on a post.

[Brett Vesely]

Somebody wrote that?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah. Oh, it's from him. I see what you're saying. I thought he'd posted that. He likes a woman with stretch marks. That means she's trying. Yeah, she's pretty good, but you could park a sedan in her. Matt Khalil, today's new hero. And all you guys, all you guys there who've been divorced and never had a. Your wife, go call Troy Hayden at channel 12. I want to talk about Brady Bogan and our relationship.

[Brett Vesely]

All right.

[John Holmberg]

Tonight at 5, Brady Bogan's ex wife comes clean. Brady's. We was so big, we couldn't stay married, and you'd be like that. I'm not suing anyone. I'm just gonna let her go. Let her talk it out. It's good therapy. And maybe it is her way of making it so he'll. You know. All other women find him repulsive, but he's moved on.

[Brady]

It's amazing that.

[John Holmberg]

There's the ax. Yeah, the X is pretty good.

[Brady]

Haley Bailey. Halle Bailey.

[John Holmberg]

Halle Bailey. Whatever. Khalil, just say Khalil has held off.

[Brady]

For three years on this story.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, well, she had to recover, Brady. Yeah, the surgery. Scars had to heal before. Yeah, she's got it. She's got to basically tell everybody. I've. I've sprung back. I was in traction for two years, and then I had to start walking again. Teach myself to walk and talk again. Yeah, she's pretty good. And she does Instagram videos, huh? That's her job. She's one of those there. She's eating noodles. They just fall right in. Mouth of hers. It's like a snake. Anyway, it's a great story.

[Brett Vesely]

Big mouth, too.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, she does.

[Brett Vesely]

Wow.

[John Holmberg]

Still not enough. Still just not enough. Yeah, she needs a mouth like that thing from Alien. He's got to open up and have another mouth in it.

[Brett Vesely]

It's like the Deck park tunnel.

[John Holmberg]

Hey, you can build Margaret T. Hanse on her head. Homeless guys just on her ears walking around. Where are we, man? What's going on? The. The word for six o' clock is $D, O, double L, A, R dollar. Knock that out and maybe you'll get a thousand of those dollars right there. That's your six o' clock promo code. Where? Give us a Wake up song. 585-9800. We'll scream it together. It's 98 KUPD. Sorry about your wing. Wake Up, Arizona, powerful rock radio station. He said fully erect.

[Mike King]

I'm Mike King from the podcast Profiling Evil. A place where true crime meets behavioral science. I spent my career investigating serial predators and studying the psychology behind them. Here, we don't just talk about what criminals did. We explore why they do what they do. We expose manipulation and control. Look at how offenders select their victims and uncover the ways that they try to avoid detection. You can find Profiling Evil on your favorite podcast platform.