11-07-25 - Harland Williams - Tempe Improv - In Studio

Summary

Podcast Summary: Holmberg's Morning Sickness – Harland Williams In-Studio (Tempe Improv)

Date: November 7, 2025
Host(s): John Holmberg, Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo
Guest: Harland Williams (Comedian)

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Episode Overview

This episode features comedian and actor Harland Williams, in town for performances at the Tempe Improv. The conversation, driven by Holmberg and the morning crew, explores Harland's recent experiences on stage, wild crowd interactions, his thoughts on wealth and comedy, nostalgia for movie theaters, and Harland's forthcoming film project. The tone is playful and irreverent, with classic Harland Williams absurdity throughout.

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Key Discussion Points and Insights

1. Harland's Tempe Improv Experiences

• Harland recaps a bizarre audience interaction from his show: asking an audience member if he'd ever been shot led to a story about being shot through the nose (01:36–03:32).
  • Quote: “If you can't shoot out a deviated septum, it ain't going away.” – Harland Williams (01:13)
• Harland describes his love for riffing with the audience and shares another moment involving a CAT scan technician and a wordplay joke about working with dogs (02:24–02:37).

2. “Are You a Billionaire?” Banter

• The crew jokes about rumors among fellow comedians (Craig Gass and Adam Ray) that Harland is a billionaire due to his reputation for smart investments and successful side ventures (04:09–04:41).
  • Quote: "Well, I mean, I'm not a billionaire by any means. No, really? No, no, no. A billionaire? Maybe Chappelle is. That’s not me.” – Harland Williams (04:44)
• Harland explains his commitment to comedy, saying even if he were a billionaire, he’d still do stand-up and radio to connect with audiences (05:12–05:54).
  • Quote: “If I’m a billionaire and I just sit in my basement and don’t reach out to the public... they’re not really going to be... it’s like, ‘Oh, let’s go see Elon do stand up.’” – Harland Williams (05:12)

3. What Would a Harland Billionaire Spend His Money On?

• Harland describes a fantasy of buying and restoring an old movie theater, complete with mannequins and animatronics to replicate the classic experience (07:00–08:42).
  • Quote: “I would buy, like, a vintage movie theater… refurbish it, make it nice, have the snack bar, and I'd get mannequins... celebrity mannequins.” (07:00–08:15)
• The group riffs on the theater being populated with animatronic homeless mannequins for realism, and joke about the sounds and smells of modern cinema versus nostalgia (08:45–09:52).

4. Movie Theater Nostalgia and Pranks

• Harland and the hosts share stories of old movie-going mischief: pranking friends with hidden jalapeños, and throwing sticky Whoppers at the screen for fun (12:27–14:01).
  • Quote: “We bought three boxes of Whoppers. I mean, just 90 mile an hour heaters into the screen, and they’d stick for half a second and then just roll down.” – Brett (13:10)

5. Absurd Interview Questions: Closest to Getting AIDS?

• Holmberg introduces his new “signature” interview question about risky life choices and absurdly asks Harland the closest he’s come to catching AIDS (14:23–19:19).
  • Quote: “I think it was that time when I was in Haiti and I was having sex with a monkey.” – Harland Williams (14:30)
• This launches an extended bit about “movie AIDS” (from shaking hands with Tom Hanks), pretend AIDS, and vampire metaphors, mixing edgy comedy with wordplay (17:00–18:11, 18:38–19:08).

6. Wordplay: Commas, Parentheses, Seafood, and Canadianisms

• Harland riffs on eating “commas” (shrimp) and debates grammar terms (brackets vs. parentheses), spinning these into a bizarre but hilarious tangent (19:27–21:24).
  • Quote: “Have you ever had a shrimp cocktail? Those little pink … they’re commas of the sea.” – Harland Williams (19:37)

7. Texting, Landlines, and Modern Communication

• Conversation shifts to the decline of phone calls in favor of texting, with Harland expressing nostalgia for talking on a landline because of the comfort and reliability (23:45–24:20).
  • Quote: “Actually talking on a landline, to me it’s like comfort food.” – Harland Williams (24:04)
• He elaborates on still having a landline for practical (electric gate) and emotional reasons.

8. Harland’s Film Project: ‘Wingman’

• Harland announces he’s about to release a new comedy feature film, ‘Wingman’, which he wrote, directed, starred in, and even composed music for (25:04–30:05).
  • The film took 15 years from conception to production, stars Russell Peters, Jamie Kennedy, and Kayla Wallace.
  • Quote: “I wrote it, directed, starred in it… It came out really good. We’re just settling up the distribution deal.” – Harland Williams (25:11)
• Premise: A runaway groom hires a highly unorthodox "professional wingman" (Harland) to both find new women and possibly win back his ex.
  • Comedic highlights include an albino koala and rubbing fried chicken on oneself as a pickup strategy.
• Harland expresses pride in the film and excitement about test screening responses (29:17–30:05).

9. Animal Tangents: Flamingos and Nature

• The discussion spins off into nature weirdness, including why flamingos have it rough and absurd made-up animal names for airplanes (31:01–32:04).
  • Quote: “What chance do you have in nature when you’re born pink?” – Harland Williams (31:34)

10. Harland’s Philosophy and Podcast Plug

• Harland leaves on an optimistic note:
  • Quote: “Live life, don’t let life live you… Grab what you want in life. Live it, and don’t let life take you on its journey. You take life on its journey by your standards and your dreams.” (32:18–32:38)
• Plugs his podcast "The Harland Highway" and promises a special prank episode with Sal Vulcano (33:04).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “If you can’t shoot out a deviated septum, it ain’t going away.” (01:13)
• “If I’m a billionaire and I just sit in my basement and don’t reach out to the public... It’s like, ‘Oh, let’s go see Elon do stand up.’” (05:12)
• “Have you ever had a shrimp cocktail? Those little pink … they’re commas of the sea.” (19:37)
• “Live life, don’t let life live you.” (32:18)
• On AIDS vampires: “The tough thing about AIDS vampires is they can get you night or day… It doesn’t have to be nighttime.” (16:42–17:04)

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Important Segment Timestamps

• Tempe Improv Show Stories – 01:28–03:38
• Billionaire Rumors/Comedy Motivation – 04:09–05:54
• Movie Theater Fantasies & Manniquins – 07:00–08:42
• Movie Mischief Nostalgia – 12:27–14:01
• AIDS Question Bit – 14:23–19:19
• Grammar Wordplay – 19:27–21:24
• Texting vs. Calling – 23:45–24:20
• Harland’s Movie ‘Wingman’ – 25:04–30:05
• Flamingos/Nature Tangent – 31:01–32:04
• Parting Wisdom/Podcast Plug – 32:18–33:14

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Tone and Style

The episode is filled with surreal humor, irreverent wordplay, and campfire-style storytelling. Harland Williams’ whimsical, random-comedy energy pairs with the morning crew’s playful antagonism, making for a fast-paced, laughter-filled hour. As always, the tone veers into the absurd in true Holmberg’s Morning Sickness style, but with enough genuine insight that listeners get a real sense of Harland’s creativity, outlook, and career energy.

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Final Thoughts

This episode is a wild, wholly entertaining ride through stand-up stories, comedy rumors, the weirdness of modern communication, and the labor of making comedy films. Harland’s off-the-cuff wisdom and surreal spin on everyday topics makes it an engaging listen for comedy fans and anyone curious about the inner world of touring comics.

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For more from Harland Williams, check out “The Harland Highway” podcast (YouTube, new episodes Tuesdays).

Transcript

[Brett]

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[Byron]

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[Brett]

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[Harlan Williams]

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[Harlan Williams]

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[Brett]

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[Harlan Williams]

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[Brett]

Still streaming Homburg's morning sickness [e-mail] watch your mouth or we're going to take money from you. Tarlin Williams is joining us right now. He's at the Tempe Improv tonight and tomorrow. Already there. Last night. How was last night?

[Harlan Williams]

It was great. It went well. Oh, there was like, it was almost sold out. Yeah, we had a great time.

[Brett]

Beautiful.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, there was a really weird guy. I was talking to him and I said I was talking about guns. And as a joke, I just said to this guy, I said, have you ever been shot? And he goes, yeah. And I go, what are you talking about? He goes, I was shot right through the nose.

[Brett]

Oh my God. You have a nose like mine. You can't miss it.

[Harlan Williams]

But. But before that, I was asking him if he had a deviated septum. And he said he did. And I said, well, did this. Did the shooting in your nose, clear it up? And he goes, no. And I said, dude, that deviant. If you can't shoot it out, it ain't going away. It was the most bizarre. So I love talking to the crowds. I had some lady.

[Brett]

This was on stage. I thought you were just saying like out randomly chatting.

[Harlan Williams]

This was the guy in the audience and then some other lady. I said, what do you do, ma'? Am? She goes, oh, I do CAT scans. And I said, you ever work with dogs?

[Brett]

Let me ask you this. How does the question, have you been shot? How does it ever pop up after, do you have a deviated septum? How does that happen?

[Byron]

Oh, no, it came up because you were talking about guns.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, I asked him about the deviated septum first, right? And then I think some guy yelled something out about guns. So then I started talking to the crowd.

[Brett]

I have a gun.

[Harlan Williams]

There was some guy in the back who said he had like 15 guns. And then so I just, as a goof, I went back to that guy on the fry. I said, hey, you ever been shot in the nose? And he goes, yeah, in the nose. I didn't expect him to say yes, but that's.

[Brett]

Was it self inflicted in an attempt to fix the dvd?

[Harlan Williams]

No, he said he got in a fight and some guy pulled a gun on him.

[Brett]

Could you tell, Was his nose messed up?

[Harlan Williams]

I couldn't see because of the lighting.

[Byron]

Partially blocked the shot.

[Harlan Williams]

No, he said it went right through the. Through one side and out the other. Like the. Right under his nose. Yeah.

[Brett]

Holy smokes.

[Harlan Williams]

And I thought, if that doesn't clear up a deviated septum, dude, you're going to be.

[Brett]

Was that how he found out he had one? I've got two pieces of bad news for you. You've been shot in the nose. And I know you knew that, but you also have a deviated septum we can't fix or it caused. That's pretty amazing. Harlan's at the 10pm improv. Go tell them how you've been shot tonight and tomorrow. Tempimprov.com I had another comedian tell me that. He said, who's. Who's the people you like to. When they come in, I'm like, I always enjoy Harlan. You're on a short list of people. Like, good. Harlan's coming. This is going to be easy Friday. Whenever you're here, it's always good.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Brett]

And then he said, oh, Harlan's a billionaire now. You know that. And I said, why is he still doing comedy? Because if you had a billion dollars, like, would you still do it?

[Harlan Williams]

I would actually.

[Brett]

You would still.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh yeah.

[Brett]

Morning radio. He wouldn't be here. You would not show up.

[Harlan Williams]

I would.

[Brett]

I'm going to cuss at. You know.

[Harlan Williams]

You know I would.

[Brett]

I would it. So you didn't. You're not invited. If you're a billionaire.

[Harlan Williams]

No, I would. It's all part of the.

[Brett]

He thought you were a billionaire because of your cartoons and the, and the stuff you're doing. And I'm like, is. He goes, oh, he's invested his money. He's got a billion dollars.

[Harlan Williams]

Can I ask who it was?

[Brett]

No.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, I mean, I'm not a billionaire by any means. No, really? No, no, no. A billionaire. Yeah. A comedian with a. Maybe Chappelle is. That's not me.

[Brett]

That's what I'm saying. And I was like, there's a possibility. You're responsible, you're clean.

[Harlan Williams]

No, I'm good. Like, I've done. You've done very well invested. Well, I'm doing good, but nowhere near a billionaire.

[Brett]

I'm not mad at you if you are. I'm just mad that you're here. Oh, no, because a billionaire that wakes up to do this.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, here's the thing. Even if you're a billionaire, if you're doing a certain job that requires pieces of the job, and pieces of the job in comedy means getting out to the, to the audience. If I'm a billionaire and I just sit in my basement and I don't reach out to the public, well, then I'm not, you know, they're not really going to be. It's like, oh, let's go see. You know, they could go see Elon do stand up. He's going to be a trillionaire.

[Brett]

That's what I would see.

[Harlan Williams]

So he's the funniest guy in town. But no, you know, changes perspective. Yeah. It's like all of this is part of the job. So if you're going to do the job, you got to do the stuff you do. All of it. Yeah.

[Brett]

I would have answered that if I was you, as of course I'm a billionaire. Because the, the change in your audience would be remarkable.

[Harlan Williams]

What do you mean?

[Brett]

Oh, they'd just be incredibly good looking women.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. I'm a billionaire, actually. I didn't want to say it. I. I didn't want to say it.

[Brett]

But yeah, it was actually, it was two comedians. It was Craig Gas and Adam Ray. Oh, they both think you're a billionaire. Craig Gas. He's not famous.

[Harlan Williams]

I don't know Craig, but Adam's my buddy.

[Brett]

Yeah, Adam is it. He's a billionaire. He's got. Maybe an Adam may have said it in like, like you just killed it with everything.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, maybe.

[Brett]

I think Craig actually believes you have a billion dollars. Wow.

[Byron]

According to the.

[Brett]

No. How much does he have on the.

[Byron]

Incredible celebrity Net worth.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Do you hate that?

[Byron]

It's estimated your net worth is 3.5 million.

[Brett]

Billion. As of billion, you read that. There's 3.5 billion. Did you have a rocket? Let's just run with it.

[Harlan Williams]

I am the rock. You are the rocket.

[Brett]

That was not only a movie.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Brett]

It was foreshadowing for your life. Oh, my God. Harlan the Rocket man. If you had $1 billion, what would you do? What's the first thing you think you'd do?

[Harlan Williams]

I would buy, like, a vintage movie theater. Like an old. Like.

[Byron]

Like a Majestic.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. Like the ones we grew up in.

[Brett]

Yeah. And I didn't grow up in a movie theater. We had a home.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, you did. Oh, well. If you ever wondered why I smell like popcorn. I grew up in a movie.

[Byron]

That's where it is.

[Harlan Williams]

And I have stains all over the back of my head. I don't even know. I do. That's billionaire talk.

[Brett]

That was the Fred Willard.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Byron]

Fred Willard.

[Harlan Williams]

I don't even know what that meant.

[Brett]

Always sit in the back row of those theaters.

[Harlan Williams]

I should be talking like, this is a billionaire.

[Brett]

But you're gonna lose your money. You're getting fined.

[Harlan Williams]

I would get, like, the type of theaters that I went to as a kid. Like the classic big screen, you know?

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

And I would. I would refurbish it, make it nice, have the snack bar, and I'd get mannequins. I'd put mannequins in the seats.

[Brett]

Okay.

[Harlan Williams]

And I'd have some animatronics. So at some points, maybe some of.

[Brett]

Them, they get up and go somewhere. Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Like that. Some of them clap. Or maybe I'd have like, some celebrity mannequins. Like, and then I'd have maybe like, two aisles that were empty for friends and family so I could watch movies with.

[Brett]

So it's a theater room.

[Harlan Williams]

It's a theater. No, it's like an actual theater. Oh, that's amazing. Exists. Not building a theater on my billion dollar house.

[Brett]

Right. You got separate.

[Harlan Williams]

Like, buy an existing old theater that's run down.

[Byron]

Guys, you want to see a movie today?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Byron]

Like, take some buddies over to the theater.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. Just have your own movie and have, like, a guy in the snack bar and popcorn and, like. But you're so rich. You can. You can have that experience. And I like that.

[Byron]

I'll go to the lobby.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, I love that.

[Brett]

I like that. The mannequins get up and sit down and move around. Do the black mannequins talk during the mo. Oh, yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Yesterday I would have to. Have to make it real. Right. Of the homeless mannequins eating their own legs. Isn't that what they do?

[Brett]

I don't know what is happening in your Billionaire man theater.

[Harlan Williams]

No, they're homeless. They get hungry. They need to feed.

[Brett]

Then you'd have to have an usher mannequin to get them out. And then a mannequin police to John.

[Byron]

You couldn't take it.

[Brett]

Control the chaos.

[Byron]

Piped in. Eating sound.

[Brett]

Oh, my God.

[Byron]

Popcorn.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, yeah.

[Brett]

Have you been to a movie recently? Do you still go to theaters? Nobody does.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, here's the thing. I loved going to the movies. I would go, like, at least once every week or two weeks whenever the.

[Byron]

New feature would come out.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, I loved it. And now when I go to the movies, which is a lot rarer. Yeah, it's really rare, unfortunately, because I loved it. I am met with, like, people on their phones, people being belligerent. They're talking dinner. Yeah.

[Brett]

There's forks and knives now.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. I don't want to be watching Predator 5 and smelling lasagna. Like, I don't want to be watching a horror movie with zombies and some guys having a casserole next to me. You know, it's just weird. You can hear the forks and knives. It feels like you're on an airplane.

[Brett]

I hate it. I can't stand. I have that. I hear everything. Even when you're reaching in a bag. How come no one can get the one they want out of the bag in a movie theater?

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, right. It's crinkling.

[Brett]

Half an hour together.

[Byron]

Don't you see what you're causing?

[Brett]

A licorice. You're making all that. Oh, it drives me.

[Byron]

The coffer.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Brett]

And there's always a guy who gets a cold in the theater. You know what wouldn't happen? Harlan's theater, because there's nobody in there. That's real.

[Byron]

Type one of those and then have.

[Brett]

An usher come and remove him, and everybody goes.

[Harlan Williams]

That's good. I went to the Man's Chinese Theater, the famous one in Hollywood. Wants. With my buddy Fred Beasley, and he was this real Canadian hoser guy, you know, and they had this thing where you could order, like, hot dogs and all your stuff. And out in the condiment counter, they had jalapenos. They had, like, sliced jalapenos in a. In a big, deep.

[Byron]

Like a jar. Like a tin.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. No, it was like a. Like a container. Yeah.

[Brett]

Morning sickness. Medicate. K u p D hey, it's Brett.

[Harlan Williams]

Vesely and I'm Here with Byron from MMP Guns.

[Brett]

Look, Byron, I have a friend wanting to sell some guns he inherited. What's the best way for him to do that?

[Byron]

Brett, the last thing you want to do is sell the gun to someone who can't legally own one. Tell him not to put himself at risk and come into M and P Guns where he'll get a fair offer and he can rest easy knowing it's not getting into the wrong hands.

[Brett]

Okay, but what if he lives out of state?

[Byron]

Easy. Legalgunbuyer.com and he can do it all online. It's really that simple.

[Brett]

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[Harlan Williams]

And so I got my. They put the hot dog in this little, like, cardboard thing. They lay it in the carrier. Yeah. So I took the. The hot dog out and I filled it with jalapenos. And then when I went in, I slid it under Fred Beasley's seat. So the whole movie like this reek of jalapenos. Like, halfway through, he's like, what the. I couldn't stop laughing. And he stormed out of the theater. He was so ma. So good.

[Brett]

In the classic man's Chinese theater, you.

[Harlan Williams]

You.

[Brett]

You pranked and ruined. Like, it was just an Beasley went storming out. And you want to own your own theater with hijinks like that? Yeah, we used to lick Whoppers. Remember Whoppers?

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, wow.

[Brett]

And chuck them at the screen. Because somehow or another one of my friends figured out if you lick them, they stick. And they do. And he hit once. We were at Richard Prior's movie Critical Condition.

[Harlan Williams]

That's hilarious.

[Brett]

And no one was there. And we are. We bought three boxes of Whoppers. I mean, just 90 mile an hour heaters into the screen and they'd stick for half a second and then just roll down.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, that's hilarious.

[Brett]

At the time of our lives. I love that double features from there on. Just Whopper nonsense. It was awesome. Yeah, I missed the movies.

[Harlan Williams]

That would have been fun to challenge yourself. Like if you went to see the Omen.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

And the scenes where Damien's rottweilers came up with the glowing red eyes. And you just tried to hit the eyes that Satan's rottweilers had. Whopper eyes. It's like just like triple the scare.

[Brett]

It kind of three Ds out a little bit like. Like glaucoma.

[Harlan Williams]

Rottweiler Whopper eyes from hell.

[Brett]

Harlan Williams. See, it's always something. It's always walking down a path. I didn't expect Harlan Williams at the Tempe Improv this weekend. If you want to head over there. Tempe.com. somebody asked me this a while ago, and it sticks in my head. Is the. You know how interviewers always have. Sometimes they have like a signature. Yeah, I'm working on this one. Tell me what you.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, here we go.

[Brett]

What's the closest you think you ever came to getting aids? Ah. Cause everybody's got like a. Oof. Shouldn't have done that.

[Harlan Williams]

I think it was that time when I was in Haiti and I was having sex with a monkey.

[Brett]

That's everybody's answer.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. Someone came in and pulled me off the monkey, and it was a flight attendant from Air Canada, and he jumped in and picked up where the monkey left off. And I think that's where Vade started. So I was there right at the beginning.

[Brett]

Made my brain wonder when I was asked.

[Harlan Williams]

Interesting. Yeah, I don't.

[Brett]

I mean, how close do you think you've ever come?

[Harlan Williams]

Excuse me.

[Brett]

No, no. To having that.

[Harlan Williams]

I think your question just radically.

[Byron]

You got to work on the question.

[Harlan Williams]

That'S the answer to age with that question.

[Brett]

Yeah. I wonder that because nobody's even concerned about like, STDs. Like maybe you got. You got dodged this. But like, when's the granddaddy?

[Harlan Williams]

Well, the problem is you may have been close to it, but how would you know?

[Brett]

Right.

[Harlan Williams]

Like, you could have been with someone who, I don't know, was maybe infected with it or had whatever. And you might have been with them and not got it, because it doesn't. If you had sex with someone with aids, you didn't automatically get it. From what I heard.

[Brett]

That's true.

[Harlan Williams]

So you could have been with someone and not known. But you don't have sex with someone, roll over, light a cigarette and say, do you have aids?

[Brett]

You don't? I don't smoke. I don't smok smoke. So that part of it's gone. But I do ask questions.

[Byron]

Could I borrow a needle?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, like, so how would you know? That's kind of a weird question.

[Brett]

It is, but I had an answer because I had a guy walk down an alley once with his pants on that actually screamed the words, I came here from Los Angeles to give you the aids.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, wow.

[Brett]

And so it did have an answer, the aids. Jay Farrow had one, too, where he had a guy on a. On a. On a train or a subway. Turned to him and said, you're not going to get off this train without my aides.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, maybe he was just trying to help him out of his seat.

[Byron]

Yeah. Interpreted.

[Harlan Williams]

Nothing wrong with aiding someone. Let's go, guy. That's. That's neighborly.

[Brett]

Okay, maybe Jay and I misunderstood.

[Harlan Williams]

There's a lot of misinterpretations.

[Brett]

Partially new gentlemen were just trying to get us up out of our chairs.

[Byron]

Do you like lemonade?

[Brett]

Yeah, those are delicious.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, I think that's a hard one to know. Yeah. Unless someone actually says, hey, I'm gonna bit you. I'm going to give you aids. Like I'm an AIDS vi or whatever, which is vampire for age. And the touch about AIDS virus is that they can get you night or day.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

It doesn't have to be nighttime.

[Brett]

The sun doesn't affect the AIDS fires.

[Byron]

You don't vaporize.

[Brett]

Well, that's an old.

[Harlan Williams]

That.

[Brett]

That. As you said, that old chestnut.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Byron]

Garlic doesn't work.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, garlic, they're just.

[Brett]

Yeah, they're just AIDS virus aid fires. And they buy.

[Harlan Williams]

They bite and suck, apparently.

[Brett]

Oh, they suck all. Yeah, you don't want to catch one of those. They're hard to spot, too. I watch a lot in that Geo.

[Harlan Williams]

They're hard to spot until your face breaks out with AIDS scabs.

[Brett]

Right.

[Harlan Williams]

Then, you know, then you're spotted all over.

[Brett]

It must have been an aids.

[Byron]

That's all you see in the reflection of the mirror.

[Brett]

It didn't make you. It didn't make you think that question because to me, I'm like, ooh.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, I think I have the answer.

[Brett]

Yeah. Okay.

[Harlan Williams]

Now, it's a bit of a hypothetical answer, but it's an answer nonetheless. Sort of valid.

[Brett]

Okay.

[Harlan Williams]

I was at a. Years ago, I was at a. I guess I think it was an Emmys party or something. I can't remember. Some. Some kind of showbiz party in Beverly Hills or something. And I was there, and there's a whole bunch of celebs there, you know, the red carpet and everything. And I was milling about, and Tom Hanks was there, who had fake AIDS in Philadelphia.

[Brett]

You almost got that.

[Harlan Williams]

And I did a movie for him through his company called My Life and r. His. His company, they produced it, and his wife was in the movie.

[Brett]

Okay.

[Harlan Williams]

So he knew of me and I knew of him through that. And so I walked up to him at that event and we shook hands and talked for a little bit. So I shook hands with Tom Hanks, who had AIDS in Philadelphia. So it was like movie aids.

[Brett]

You had movie aids.

[Byron]

Closest got the movie for that movie that had him.

[Harlan Williams]

Right.

[Brett]

That's the guy who had pretended to have aids.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. So I. Yeah, but might be worse. I'm close to pretend aids, which you'll find in every playground across America.

[Brett]

Pretend aids.

[Harlan Williams]

Kids love it. Oh, they love to play pretend. Yeah. I'm gonna be a fairy. I'm gonna be a cowboy. I'm gonna be aids. I'm gonna be dead by recess. Good Lord.

[Byron]

It's a fun game. When's the next recess?

[Brett]

It is a good, fun play.

[Harlan Williams]

Pretend I'm an aids. I'm aidsey. The AIDS fair. What is happening here?

[Brett]

Well, you ran with it, and I appreciate it. See, this is why I like you.

[Harlan Williams]

I'm gonna lose my billionaire.

[Brett]

Yeah, you're gonna. You're gonna lose a comma if you keep it up.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, commas, by the way.

[Brett]

Oh, man, you hate those.

[Harlan Williams]

I. I love them. I eat them.

[Brett]

You eat commas?

[Harlan Williams]

I eat commas.

[Brett]

I don't know what that means.

[Harlan Williams]

You've eaten them, too.

[Brett]

What?

[Harlan Williams]

Have you ever had a shrimp cocktail?

[Brett]

They're little commas.

[Harlan Williams]

Those little pink. They're little. They're commas of the sea.

[Byron]

Dude, think about that.

[Harlan Williams]

They're delicious.

[Brett]

I've eaten a lot of the commas.

[Harlan Williams]

I love eating. Grammar.

[Brett]

What would be the bananas?

[Harlan Williams]

Bananas aren't a comma.

[Brett]

That's not. Well, he has poor handwriting. He is bad. Yeah, they're a parenthesis.

[Harlan Williams]

They're a parenthesis or a bracket. You call them parentheses or brackets.

[Brett]

We call them parentheses. Brackets are square.

[Harlan Williams]

But a bracket's also parentheses.

[Brett]

Well, it can be. Sure. I'm not fighting with you, Donnie. Would you like that?

[Harlan Williams]

I think there's a bracket fight happening.

[Brett]

In the middle of a bracket.

[Harlan Williams]

I think we should step into the parentheses and go at it. Sounds like an MMA event. And they're stepping into the parentheses, aidsy and whatever your name. Herpsy.

[Brett]

Oh, I like it. Pepsi, Herbsy, whatever. Yeah. Bumpy. I like that. Yeah. Is it Canadian to call them brackets?

[Harlan Williams]

I think maybe that's what it is. They called. Do you guys don't call them brackets.

[Brett]

Parenthesis.

[Harlan Williams]

I don't want to come off as a dumb billionaire.

[Byron]

Brackets. More square.

[Brett]

Yeah, the brackets are the ones that.

[Harlan Williams]

Are squared off, but either way, called them brackets. That's weird.

[Brett]

The brackets would be toast.

[Harlan Williams]

Maybe it's a Canadian thing.

[Brett]

Yeah. What's. Exclamation point of the sea?

[Harlan Williams]

Maybe a sea cucumber that just did a shart.

[Brett]

Just has something trailing.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. Am I allowed to say that?

[Brett]

I think so. Because it's sort of a word. Yeah, it's like brackets and parentheses. It's not really the.

[Harlan Williams]

It's the Canadian version of AI version of it.

[Brett]

Brackets are punctuation marks used to enclose and add information.

[Harlan Williams]

There it is. I was right.

[Brett]

Curly brackets. Parenthesis. No, I was right. Square brackets are what's up there. Parentheses are the things I'm describing.

[Harlan Williams]

They don't mess with a billionaire.

[Brett]

Curly brackets. You don't have enough money to change this. I think.

[Harlan Williams]

Damn.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Byron]

Your value just went down.

[Brett]

Harlan, thanks for playing, but we have to. We have to tell you that you didn't win the game today. Yeah, There you go, princess. Either way, I don't. And now it's. Now we're eating emojis and like. Yeah, that's it. Do you. Are you a text guy or are you a call guy?

[Harlan Williams]

I do both. I find I don't call as much anymore. Call it all. Yeah. It's sort of rare. Yeah. It's almost alarming when your phone rings.

[Brett]

It's emergency only.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Brett]

If you're calling me, I assume someone's age related, though.

[Byron]

Like, you have aids.

[Brett]

It's AIDS related.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, age. I'm sorry. Finally, he's getting in on it. I. Yeah. I don't know what it is. No. I think even older friends, it dissipates.

[Brett]

My dad is 78, and since like, like thumbs ups and fists and emojis, and I'm like, when did that start? He's a teen girl. He's going through his second childhood and he's identifying as a girl.

[Harlan Williams]

It's bizarre. Yeah. No, it's very weird. And.

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[Harlan Williams]

I still have a landline.

[Brett]

You do?

[Harlan Williams]

For why? Because at my house I have an electric gate. And so the gate, when they built it years ago, is connected to a landline. So you can control it. Most billionaires.

[Brett]

Yeah, most billionaires have that release the hound.

[Harlan Williams]

But yeah, so I still talk. I actually talking on a landline, to me it's like comfort food. It's like meatloaf and potatoes. Like I love sitting on when I have to do a call where I know I'm gonna be like catching up with a friend or family. I'll get on the landline. It just. There's something.

[Brett]

Is it got the curlicue cord?

[Harlan Williams]

No, no, it's a cordless. Yeah, but it's just. There's something really comforting about the landline. You're not worried about any dropouts or. Or any glitches or anything? It's weird.

[Brett]

You have to talk to someone else on a landline.

[Harlan Williams]

No, you don't.

[Brett]

Well then it might drop out.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, mine will.

[Brett]

Oh, I see. So you don't take responsibility.

[Byron]

Plug in the cordless.

[Harlan Williams]

You want charge?

[Byron]

Yeah, plug in the cordless.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, no, I always have it charged.

[Brett]

We're killing his meat and potatoes. He's loving this and we're throwing up scenarios that ruin it. Sorry about that story age. I apologize. Harlan Williams at the 10pm what movies are you doing right now? What do you. What's busy in Harlan Williams?

[Harlan Williams]

I just am about to release a movie that I wrote and directed called Wingman.

[Brett]

Okay.

[Harlan Williams]

It was 15 years in the making, and we had two false starts to get it done. And then just about a year and a half ago, we finally. You got it. We got it green lit. We got the money, we shot it. So I wrote it, directed nice, starred in it, Russell Peters, Jamie Kennedy. Holy cow, Kayla Wallace from Landman is in it, and it came out really good. We're just settling up the distribution deal right now, and it should be coming out, they're telling me, possibly around February.

[Brett]

What was the holdup?

[Harlan Williams]

The holdup was just everything. The million dollars, money, people editing this changes to the script.

[Brett]

So are some of the scenes shot in 2010 and some shot in 2020?

[Harlan Williams]

No, no, it was all shot at the same time. It was just the assembly. And it was like, you know, finding the right distribution.

[Brett]

A lot of work, a ton of work.

[Harlan Williams]

Like, a lot of people go, I'm gonna shoot a movie. And they shoot it, and then they realize, oh, wait, now we gotta find a way to get it out to the world. And, you know, hopefully that's getting easier with the, you know, digital media that the era we're in now where people can get stuff out on their own. A. But it's still tough if you want to get it out there to the.

[Brett]

Theaters and to the people in one big hit.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. So wingman.

[Brett]

What's it about?

[Harlan Williams]

It's basically about a professional wingman. Like, this guy loses his fiance, like she's a runaway bride. And he hires this wingman to help him get new girls and realize that doesn't work. And then he asks him to help him get his fiance back. So I play this wingman who's just of kind, got crazy methodologies to pick up girls. Really unorthodox stuff. Like, I keep an albino koala under the car seat of my car because albinos are so cute. They're the number one panty dropper. And he goes in, and before he goes in, he goes to KFC and buys fried chicken and rubs it on his neck to attract women, to attract the fat one away from the hot one.

[Brett]

Oh, the wingman.

[Harlan Williams]

So he's really smart. Yeah. So it's all about. About this nutty. He's sort of like a wingman, but he'd be the Ace Ventura of wingman.

[Brett]

Over the top.

[Harlan Williams]

Over the top.

[Brett]

Did you test any of these theories for the movie, like Daniel Day Lewis style?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. No.

[Brett]

Are you a method actor?

[Harlan Williams]

No, I just went for it. I just saw. What are the craziest things this guy could do.

[Brett]

And wouldn't it be pathetic though, if that did work? If rubbing chicken on you and fat girls did follow you around.

[Harlan Williams]

Who says it wouldn't?

[Brett]

We've never tried it.

[Harlan Williams]

Everyone loves fried chicken.

[Brett]

That's right. And if you get rub it all over.

[Byron]

Yeah.

[Brett]

You might get Brady to follow around.

[Byron]

I'm already. I'm already on to you.

[Brett]

Yeah, you've got the trailer out and everything. That's got f words.

[Harlan Williams]

I don't know.

[Brett]

It's the wingman.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, no, that's not mine. That. I think there was another movie called Wingman done years ago, but this isn't mine. Our trailer isn't out yet. Okay. Nothing's out yet.

[Brett]

This is the fake wingman. Yeah, this is what you don't want to see.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, this was one that I think was done back in the 90s by someone, but. Yeah, this isn't not good at all.

[Brett]

Let's get rid of that.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, I don't know.

[Brett]

Oh, no, I can tell you by that. Awful.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, I don't know what we saw.

[Brett]

Yeah, yeah, that movie is.

[Harlan Williams]

I feel good about it. We did a few test screenings and people were laughing from joke 1. And is that how nerve wracking is that? It's really weird because it's your. Everything is you, everything's mine. And I even edited the damn thing. So it's just like it was. It's all you, but you, you just go, hey, you do your best. And I really feel, without trying to be braggadocious, based on my knowledge of film and my history of film, I look at it and I go, it's at least good to start. And if people like it beyond good, I would never push it into bad category. Like, I know structurally you're not mad. Yeah, I'm actually quite proud, I feel. And based on the test screenings, we did three so far and they went really, really well. And so.

[Brett]

So when you do the test screening and you see, oh, that joke's not hidden or that just doesn't. Didn't. And the audience is reacting, do you go back and get rid of it?

[Harlan Williams]

No, we didn't alter anything. And they weren't test screenings for people's opinion. They were film festival screenings. Okay. So when I say test, I mean, I got to see the reaction in front of real audiences.

[Brett]

And that's got to be just. I couldn't do it.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, it's nerve wracking. But I gotta be honest, because I. My actors were so good and everyone delivered and the look of the movie is so good.

[Brett]

That's awesome.

[Harlan Williams]

That I went in feeling like. I know this is good at ground level and if it goes above that, hooray. But so I wasn't that nervous because I felt like there's.

[Brett]

You're proud of it to go in.

[Harlan Williams]

I feel like it's. I know enough to know that it's good.

[Byron]

And since you did so many jobs on it.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Byron]

Credits. When the credits roll. Are you there like 400 times? I am on there catering everything.

[Harlan Williams]

I did a lot, even to the point where we had such a low budget. I wrote some original songs.

[Brett]

I was gonna ask you still doing your music? It's in the movie.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, we did some original songs.

[Brett]

Are you were with the Bare Naked Ladies guy for a while, weren't you?

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. This was done separate. This was done here in LA with. With the. The guy who did the music for the whole movie. And we wrote some original songs. So yeah. It's really exciting. So watch for Wingman coming out hopefully in February.

[Brett]

You're like Howard Hughes. I am billionaire who makes movies.

[Byron]

Yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah.

[Brett]

That's pretty awesome. Now, next thing you're gonna get a plane and you're gonna start a big wooden plane.

[Harlan Williams]

What's it called? Was it the cedar goose? Spruce goose.

[Brett]

I like the cedar duck.

[Harlan Williams]

That was the sequel.

[Brett]

Yeah. Howard wasn't good on. On rhymes or really alliteration. So he just had the cedar duck.

[Harlan Williams]

The demented sparrow, and then the prideful flamingo.

[Byron]

The balsa condor.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Brett]

Would it have the same impact if it was called the prideful Flamingo instead of the spruce Goose?

[Harlan Williams]

I think it would do well on Pride Day.

[Brett]

Oh, I think it has its time for sure, but I don't know that people would visit it annually to go see.

[Harlan Williams]

Visit it annually or annually?

[Brett]

Annually.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. Yeah. I mean, you got. Flamingos are bizarre.

[Brett]

That's a weird thing.

[Harlan Williams]

Well, nature's so cruel. You watch the Discovery Channel or Animal Planet and everything's getting killed.

[Brett]

Yeah, yeah.

[Harlan Williams]

And you gotta figure, what chance do you have in nature when you're born pink?

[Brett]

That's true.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah. To be hidden and you're just standing around on one leg. Yeah. Your legs look like this when you're standing. I mean, what does a flamingo even sound like? Quack, quack. What are they?

[Brett]

They're just gay ducks.

[Harlan Williams]

I think they're gay ducks. Yeah.

[Brett]

I think they are flim point homosexual ducks.

[Harlan Williams]

They're pink. One legged quack.

[Byron]

And it bends reversed. The legs bend opposite.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, I saw one in ch. The Other day.

[Brett]

Oh, my God. They can literally bend over backwards. So I think there's some. Their theory holds. Harlan Williams, Tempe Improv Tonight and tomorrow Tempe impromprov.com leave us with words of wisdom as you already have, but please change the world for us.

[Harlan Williams]

All right, guys. Life goes by quickly. I always say this. This is my motto. Live life, don't let life live you.

[Brett]

Okay?

[Harlan Williams]

So grab what you want in life. Live it, and don't let life take you on its journey. Journey. You take life on its journey by your standards and your. Your dreams.

[Brett]

Yeah, don't grab what you want, though. That was the Me Too movement. You got a lot of fun.

[Harlan Williams]

Oh, yeah.

[Brett]

Just grab. Grab what? Ask first, then grab what you want. Yeah, yeah. Don't Cosby up that life dream.

[Harlan Williams]

Yeah, the Me Too movement.

[Byron]

You gotta understand how you're talking to.

[Brett]

Yeah, you can't grab whatever you want.

[Harlan Williams]

My dad had no idea about the Me Too movement.

[Brett]

He just kept doing it.

[Harlan Williams]

He didn't get. He didn't have a clue. He goes, who the hell is this Chinese girl? Me Too. I want to get in on this.

[Brett]

She seems.

[Harlan Williams]

He had no idea. Quack, quack. Oh, and check out my podcast, the Holland highway, on YouTube. Every Tuesday, we put out a new episode.

[Brett]

Who's the guest now?

[Harlan Williams]

This week, it's coming up as Sal Volcano.

[Byron]

Oh, I love that.

[Harlan Williams]

The Prankster. And I pranked him real good. Like, he's not an easy guy to prank.

[Brett]

Jalapenos.

[Harlan Williams]

I got him. No, not jalapenos. Quack. I got him really good. So that's coming up this Tuesday, and it's a pretty cool prank I played on.

[Brett]

All right, fantastic. Harlan, always a pleasure.

[Harlan Williams]

Thanks for having me, guys. Great to see you.

[Brett]

Thanks for waking up. Now go roll around in your money. It's Harlan Williams, everybody. It's 98, Arizona's most powerful rock radio station. He said fully erect.

[Byron]

98.