Holmberg’s Morning Sickness – December 1, 2025: Salmon Sperm, True Crime in Simi Valley, Tortoise People, Urban Zoos & Christmas Music Rants

Episode Overview

This episode of Holmberg’s Morning Sickness on 98 KUPD brings a blend of outrageous listener emails, dark true crime headlines, Arizona backyard animal menageries, and an unfiltered holiday crankiness from John Holmberg and his co-hosts, Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, and Dick Toledo. Centerpieces include wild reactions to "salmon sperm" discussions, an unsettling crime story out of Simi Valley, and the gang’s annual loathing of saccharine Christmas music takeovers.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Listener Emails: Salmon Sperm Reactions

• The team reads and reacts to a variety of listener emails revolving around salmon fertilization, including stories from Alaska where students "milk salmon" for biology class. This leads to a combination of gross-out humor and puns about fish and human sex acts.
• Notable Exchange:
  • [02:02] John: “So I can attack and jerk off a fish and nearly kill it, but when I finish on my girlfriend, I got to go to jail? — Sign Nathan Sutherland.”
  • The crew riffs on this, making jokes about Brady watching salmon fertilization videos as his “porn.”
• Discussion segues into a mattress advertisement focused solely on “the best mattress for sex,” with Holmberg applauding the “Mad Men” style ingenuity.
  • [03:47] John: “It just had a picture of a mattress, and it just said, this mattress is better for sex… That's genius!”

2. Dark True Crime: Simi Valley’s Bizarre Murder Case

• Holmberg details a disturbing news story: a man kills his ex-wife, buries her, then digs her up to commit necrophilia.
• The hosts contemplate how many similar crimes likely go undetected and reflect grimly (and comically) on the secrecy of neighbors.
  • [06:03] John: “It has to be a reality that probably in your neighborhood where they hide a lot of emotions and a lot of stuff… Some dude has an ex-wife… in the freezer.”
  • [09:05] John: “The ultimate act of power… to tear her body apart after it’s gone… 100% mental ownership and power of a human being. Horrifying.”
• The group jokes about running their own “Bret Jury,” where verdicts are made based solely on looking at defendants:
  • [11:54] John: “We should have the Bret jury. My success rate is like 88%. Let me see the perp. Oh, guilty! Next!”

3. Backyard Tortoises, Turtles & Brady’s Urban Zoo Love

• Email stories prompt discussions about tortoise dens in local yards, which the hosts humorously equate to makeshift graves or body disposal sites.
  • [13:50] John: “It’s a grave. I no longer trust anybody with a tortoise.”
• The conversation evolves into an exasperated examination of hobbyist animal keepers, especially urban “petting zoos” found in backyard environments.
  • [14:41] John: “What is the purpose of a miniature donkey? To pull miniature sleighs?”
• The show pokes fun at Brady’s penchant for finding or being drawn to these makeshift “urban zoos.”
  • [16:00] John: “If there’s an urban zoo to be found, I guarantee it: Brady will find it.”

4. Hearing Loss & Aging Jokes at Brady’s Expense

• Bret needles Brady over his lingering hearing problems, sparking age and health-related jokes and speculation about liability and medical neglect.
  • [21:13] John: “We’re keeping our eyes on him. You asked what he did to get his hearing back, and he said ‘what?’ We’re worried…”

5. Palladio Finals and Local Music Scene

• The show briefly touches on the upcoming band competition finals, running through confirmed bands and making jokes about flaky musicians and bass players.
  • [26:22] John: “Bass players are a dime a dozen… If you ever have a large gathering…the fastest way to disperse crowds is bass solos.”

6. Holiday Shopping Madness & Cyber Monday

• Exasperation is voiced over Black Friday chaos, pointless in-person doorbusters, and the never-ending cycle of online deals.
  • [29:24] John: “It’s been Black Friday since Halloween.”
  • [31:36] John: “Today is Cyber Monday, and that’s the one that has been passing Black Friday over the last few years.”
• The group wonders about the lengths people will go (e.g., camping outside Bass Pro Shops for $500 gift cards), noting the absurdity of standing in long lines for minimal savings.

7. Cheating Tech in Fishing & Hunting

• Conversation drifts into the ethics of modern hunting and fishing aids, including lures that essentially stun or hypnotize fish.
  • [34:12] John: “I would want worm, hook, pole – I don’t want technology. You’re roofing the fish.”
• John rails against passive hunting tactics like deer stands, likening it to grooming or predation.

8. Christmas Music Rant

• The annual "I hate Christmas music" segment arrives, with complaints about how every station’s ratings go up only when they go on autopilot and play nonstop carols.
  • [41:54] John: “Burl Ives kicks our ass for four and a half weeks… She [Beth] takes off from the end of November all the way through December, and their ratings soar. I would be embarrassed.”
  • [42:19] John: “There’s something in Christmas music, like, some hidden messages that make us all weird for four weeks.”

9. Trans-Siberian Orchestra and Holiday Cultiness

• The gang shares experiences seeing the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, reflecting on both its spectacle and the cult-like devotion of its fan base.
  • [43:06] John: “It feels cultish – some of the people… like it too much.”

Notable Quotes & Moments

• [02:02] John (listener email, raucous): "So I can attack and jerk off a fish and nearly kill it, but when I finish on my girlfriend, I got to go to jail? — Sign Nathan Sutherland."
• [03:47] John: "This mattress is the best for sex. I’m like, that’s genius. No one’s thought of this before!"
• [09:05] John: "The ultimate act of power… more and more of her dignity. This is not a sexual act… 100% mental ownership and power.”
• [13:50] John: “It’s a grave. I no longer trust anybody with a tortoise.”
• [16:00 & 16:31] John: “If there’s an urban zoo to be found, I guarantee it: Brady will find it. I have lived in several neighborhoods, never once an urban zoo.”
• [26:22] John: “Bass players are a dime a dozen… If you ever have a large gathering…the fastest way to disperse crowds is bass solos.”
• [34:12] John: "That’s what molesters do. It’s chloroform, essentially. You’re just chloroforming the fish."
• [41:54] John: “Burl Ives kicks our ass for four and a half weeks… She [Beth] takes off from the end of November all the way through December, and their ratings soar. I would be embarrassed.”

Timestamps for Major Segments

• Salmon Sperm Emails & Sexual Innuendo: 02:00 – 05:00
• Simi Valley Murder/Necrophilia Case & “Bret Jury”: 05:00 – 13:00
• Tortoise/Turtle People, Backyard Urban Zoos, Miniature Animals: 13:00 – 20:00
• Brady’s Hearing Loss/Medical Jokes: 20:00 – 22:00
• Palladio Finals & Local Bands/Bass Player Jokes: 22:30 – 27:30
• Black Friday, Cyber Monday, Retail Insanity: 29:00 – 33:00
• Fishing, Hunting, Cheating Tech: 33:45 – 35:45
• Christmas Music Rant: 41:45 – 45:00
• Trans-Siberian Orchestra Discussion: 43:00 – 45:20

Tone & Style Overview

• Freewheeling, irreverent, and darkly comic: The crew bounces rapidly between outrageous news, personal anecdotes, and laser-focused rants, maintaining a conversational, riff-heavy style peppered with black humor and social commentary.
• Unfiltered and lightly self-deprecating: Especially in their discussions about Arizona suburbia, local oddballs, and their own aging and foibles (Brady’s hearing).
• Local color & inside jokes: Regular references to Arizona locations, local events, and running gags about show members.

Final Thoughts

Listeners get a blend of wild news, listener interactivity, biting asides on local suburban wildlife, and a healthy dose of anti-Christmas music cynicism. The episode typifies Holmberg’s Morning Sickness: no topic is too odd, too bleak, or too irreverent for this Arizona morning crew.

This summary covers all the major segments while giving newcomers a full sense of the show’s unique mix of humor, shock, and local flavor.