12-04-25 - BR - THU - Ranting On Bringing A Woman To A Golf Scramble Who Hasn't Golfed - Racoon Rescue Gone Wrong - Door Dash Driver Dropped Wings Picked Them Up Anyway

Summary

Podcast Summary: Holmberg’s Morning Sickness - December 4, 2025

Episode Overview

This lively episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness mainly revolves around the hosts’ hilarious yet exasperated rant about etiquette and unwritten rules for charity golf tournaments—specifically, the perils of bringing inexperienced (and, in their words, unattractive) female golfers into a “scramble.” The crew—John Holmberg, Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, and Dick Toledo—also recount some wild and weird recent news stories, including a raccoon rescue gone wrong, food safety mishaps with DoorDash, and a Guinness World Record-winning canine. Throughout, the hosts maintain their signature Arizona sarcasm and irreverent humor.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Golf Scramble Rant: Should Beginners (and Certain Women) Be Allowed?

(01:17–11:47)

• Setting the Scene:
  After a charity event for Sojourner Center, John and Brady vent about the frustrations of being stuck behind a group with an inexperienced female golfer.
• Main Complaint:
  Holmberg insists organizers should be strategic about whom they let into foursomes, especially during tournaments.
  • “You don’t invite beginners to five-hour events. Take them for 30 minutes on the range at most.” — John (03:11)
• Unequal Treatment Dilemma:
  The group is hesitant to yell at an inexperienced woman out of social decorum, noting “if it was a dude, one of us would have said, what are you doing? Pick it up!” (03:09)
• Selective Tolerance:
  Humorously, John claims the only reason to tolerate a beginner is if "she's incredibly hot and you're trying to bang her" (03:17), referencing social motivations.
• Beginner Golfers’ Privileges:
  John rails against giving beginners a head start. “If you’re good at it, you get 100-yard head start. If you’re bad at it... you shouldn’t be.” (02:24)
• Key Rule Proposal:
  “If you forget your club at all ever on the golf course, sit it out for three holes.” (11:10)
• Notable Quotes:
  • "Where do you get the ignorance, arrogance, and craziness to actually go, 'Sure, I’ll do something I’ve never done before' — because she’s trying to bang that same guy." — John (07:24)
  • “Like if a hot girl tries to cook for the first time and lights the kitchen on fire, you still like—‘you’re great!’ If she’s ugly... you’re in a courtroom in a few.” — John (10:06)
• Brady’s Frustration:
  "Pick it up, pick it up!" — Brady, as they watch the golfer fumble over her shots (05:36)
• Conclusion:
  Despite all the complaints, the hosts agree the charity event itself was well run and fun, but they “need some rules” to keep tournament play smooth.

2. Strange and Wild News Stories

A. Raccoon Rescue Gone Wrong

Wild America segment (16:12–18:39)

• Story:
  Man rescues injured raccoon by driving it over an hour pressed to his chest—gets bitten and contracts rabies, raccoon euthanized.
  • “This is why I’m doing this story close to you, Brady...The raccoon bit the man in his face and hands.” — Brady (16:53)
• Key Insight:
  Nature center warns never to directly handle injured wild animals, especially raccoons.
• Memorable Commentary:
  • “You know what raccoon rehab is? Put it out by the trash. He’ll be fine.” — John (18:21)
  • “You put them in a dumpster and he’s like, ‘Thanks. I’m back to being a raccoon again.’” — Brady (18:32)

B. Food Safety with DoorDash

(19:44–21:11)

• Incident:
  DoorDash driver caught on video picking up a dropped chicken wing from a customer’s doorstep and putting it back in the package—then licking his fingers.
• Host Theories:
  • John asserts, “It didn’t just fall out. He had that open on the way over, and he was dipping his fingers in the juice, forgot to close it, and that’s why it fell out.” (19:59)
• Tips:
  • “If a DoorDash driver drops stuff off and it isn’t stapled and taped, do not eat it.” — John (21:11)
• Comic Suggestions:
  • “Would you like to buy the driver some fries? Take it off the tip and get yourself some fries.” — John (21:58)

C. Cheese Recall

(18:45–19:30)

• Recalled shredded cheese for metal shards—but not in Arizona. Hosts joke about “panning for gold” with cheese.

D. Weird Justice Devices: ‘Barnacle’ Car Parking Locks

(22:10–24:09)

• Story:
  Philadelphia introduces “barnacles”—big devices that suction to windshields to immobilize illegally parked cars, $100 to remove.
• Host Response:
  • “I could hang out the window. I’ll show... like Ace Ventura.” — John (22:32)
• Hosts recount their own experiences with car boots and parking fines.

E. Fabergé Egg Swallowing

(24:09–26:16)

• Guy in New Zealand tried to shoplift a Fabergé egg necklace by swallowing it.
• “Now they’re just waiting for him to pass the egg.” — Brady (25:01)

F. Guinness Dog Tongue Record

(26:19–27:28)

• Ozzy, a French Mastiff mix from Oklahoma, now holds the world record for longest canine tongue: 7.83 inches!
• "Have a tongue like that, he's not passing many IQ tests." — John (27:24)

3. Bizarre and Outrageous Viral Videos

(27:43–36:13)

• Highlights:
  • Girl Fights: Breakdown of white-girl brawling: “It’s slow... she’s got her on the ground…” — John (27:50)
  • Motorcycle Stunt Gone Wrong: Biker set ablaze after a friend pours lighter fluid on the bike.
  • Band performs shock antics: Woman removes her tampon on stage and throws it (“True female Gar!” — John) (29:43–30:41)
  • Narco Hit Caught on Video: Motorcycle crash revealed as an assassination attempt.
  • Pageant for the Disabled: Hosts watch a video of a no-armed, one-legged woman in a thong competing (“She looks like an AT-AT from Star Wars.” — John (33:16))
  • Midget Group Sex Video: “I'd still rather be behind that foursome than the one we were behind yesterday in golf.” — John (35:51)

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Notable Quotes & Moments (with Timestamps)

• On Golf Tournament Selection:
  • “You have to have like a Paige Spiranic beginner...We’d have watched that all day.” — John (04:21)
• Brady’s Annoyance at Play:
  • “Pick it up. She’s not gonna swing another. Oh, she is.” — Brady (04:32)
• Double Standard on Criticism:
  • “You can’t yell at them. They want equal treatment. But if you started yelling at her, she’d start crying. Dudes won’t cry.” — John (08:10)
• Why the Raccoon Rescue Was Stupid:
  • “You’re dumber than him.” — John, about the man who handled a rabid raccoon (17:53)
• On DoorDash Temptation:
  • “You can’t smell KFC in your car without at least touching it and licking your fingers.” — John (20:39)
• Video Commentary:
  • “That’s a true female Gar!” — John, about onstage tampon escapades (30:12)
  • “I can’t see that many malformed human beings doing one thing at a time.” — John (36:00)
  • “Sorry midgets, but that was gross. One at a time, please.” — John (35:51)

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• Golf Scramble Rant: 01:17 – 11:47
• Brady Report (Weird News & Fun Facts): 12:27 – 26:19
• Bizarre Viral Videos & Listener Submissions: 27:43 – 36:13

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Tone & Style

• Language/Tone: Highly irreverent, sarcastic, at times bordering on inappropriate—quintessential “guy talk” radio.
• Authentic Voice: The hosts riff on typical Arizona experiences, with self-deprecating humor and punchy banter.
• Usefulness: The summary would amuse and inform listeners who missed the episode, highlighting the show’s signature quick-witted energy and ability to turn every topic into a comedic debate.

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In Summary

This episode offers peak Holmberg’s Morning Sickness with its blend of inventive ranting, Arizona-local flavor, and boundary-pushing “guy humor.” Whether riffing on golf etiquette, delivery food safety, human folly, or the world’s longest dog tongue, the team keeps up a relentless pace of laughs, mock outrage, and the occasional side of surprisingly practical advice.

Transcript

[A]

You're listening to the HMS Podcast, brought to you by MMP guns.com your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories. Hey, it's John Holmberg from the morning sickness. When my beloved dog Dutchy started to slow down, I knew in my heart the time was going to come. That's when I reached out to Happy Endings in Home pet euthanasia. Once Dr. Fixler got to my house, he explained every step, answered all the questions, and created a peaceful, loving atmosphere. Right there we were able to hold Dutchy on her favorite blanket. Happy Endings made it as peaceful and dignified as the moment could be. If your furry companion is getting close to that time, whether it's a dog or a cat, and you want the comfort of home, the compassion of profession professionals, and the dignity your pet deserves, call Happy Endings. Visit online happy endings euthanasia.com because every pet's life should have a happy ending, why choose a Sleep Number?

[B]

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[A]

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You were laughing like a hyena when he said it.

[B]

What the hell is wrong with you?

[A]

And before we get going with anything else, I want to say a quick thanks to Jeff Jr. And the gang over at Trajan. Wealth, Brady and I played in their charity golf tournament yesterday for Sojourner center mostly, and there's a lot of stuff they do pretty it was really nice, actually. It was really fun and Jeff's a good dude. Everybody over there at Trajan is pretty damn awesome and they treated us really well and we got to hang out and do their after party and there's a punting contest. Really good. And they raised a lot of money. So it was a really nice thing and they did it. Right now the reason I bring it up is to say thank you first, but secondly, we need to just.

This isn't gonna come across well.

After my Taliban comments because I could see the headline, local DJ says Taliban has good ideas, then says women shouldn't be allowed on golf courses. They shouldn't be allowed on golf courses anymore. You have to have some sort of test you have to pass to be on a golf course and get the advantage you get. Because if you're good at it, you get 100 yard head start if you're bad at it. Like the girl that was in front of Brady and I yesterday, she shouldn't be. And, and you know whose fault it was? The guys who put her on the foursome. You get a foursome together in a tournament, a best ball tournament, and you automatically pick a girl, not necessarily the one you like to hang out with or you want to have sex with, which is mostly the motivation of a man. I either like her, she's fun, you pick the one that's best at golf because she's getting a head start. And never once on a golf course have I heard a woman go, I'm hitting with the men's because we're even. They take that advantage every time. And I would too. But this girl yesterday in front of us was getting a lesson.

[B]

That's the problem.

[A]

Oh, it's the guy.

[B]

It wasn't necessarily because of women on the golf course.

[A]

Yes it is.

[B]

A scramble is not.

A lesson. Time.

[A]

Don't.

[B]

They're long enough. Scrambles.

[A]

You don't invite beginners to, to five hour events. You take beginners out for like 30 minutes on the range and then maybe when nobody's out there in the summertime, you try to take them around the track once. Not on a December, beautiful December day, which you would like, take practice swings or just flat miss the ball. And Brady and I are sitting at the tee box waiting for them to go. They're a hole and a half behind. And you, and you know what's different? If it was a dude, one of us would have said, what are you doing? Pick it up, pick it up. But it's a girl, so if we'd have screamed at her, you guys, come on, back off. She's new. It's like, you shouldn't have brought it. Those shouldn't be allowed out here on days like this. The guys behind us brought two girls and they're, they're climbing up our ass because they brought girls who can play. Never bring girls. And by the way, if she's not incredibly hot and you're trying to bang her, which was the case, she shouldn't be out there. None of us were like, well, she's not hot enough to even tolerate this. You have to have like a page sporanic beginner.

Standing out there swinging and missing. We'd have tolerated that all day. We'd have watched that all day. Brady and I were getting so upset and annoyed. Brady, let's go.

Pick it up.

[B]

She's not gonna swing another. Oh, she is.

[A]

What? And then she walk to the cart and get a club and then run back and make a mistake. And every time she wanted to putt, she laid her putter down to make a line. It's like, oh. She learned that at golf school. Just hit it. It's a best ball. You're never gonna play your ball. And then she'd hit it like 18ft. And I'm like, the dude, before you hit a 320 yard drive, you're not getting it out there. You've got a ball to play. Go play that one. I just want to practice. No. So I'm lodging a formal complaint against the girl that played in front of us in this char.

And I think there should be a. A rule that unless one of the guys in the force, like what would have been the guy in the foursome in front of us, one of them comes up and goes, hey, I know it's going to take all day, but my buddy Scott hasn't gotten laid in two years and he brought the new secretary. And she's terrible, but I think he's going to nail her. And I'm like, if he doesn't nail her, you guys owe us money. But if he does, we'll tolerate it. It just. It was awful to watch.

[B]

Fine. Cindy can swing. Okay, that's good. Pick it up. Let's go, let's go.

[A]

Pick it up, pick it up.

Brutal. You're already going to be out there for four hours. They added an hour to the day. At the very least, some of it was entertaining. But after 16 holes of watching her take the backswing and stop and then look at the guy in the car go like this. No.

It'S nothing like that. I don't even know if you've seen golf. Do you know what you're doing? Like rented back like this. No. And then she'd drop her hands like baseball this. No. And then the dude that's trying to nail her gets out of the car. Just pick it up. You already hit a 300 yard drive. Go. You're playing best ball.

Oh, exactly. We needed Toledo at that moment to walk up and go, just tap on his hand. Time. She's taking four practice swings and then missed the ball. The practice isn't working. She needs. She needs a day in the lab, not. She shouldn't be on the field.

[B]

The scramble is you take the best drive. That's not going to be the best drive.

[A]

No. She's never going to have the best ball ever.

Can I. I just want to practice putting, then practice on the putting range. There's a practice green. It's called that.

No practice in front of me. It's like. It's like somebody who's never driven before, and you just give them keys by themselves. Here's the freeway. What do you do? The skinny one on the right makes it go, have fun.

But otherwise, what a great tournament. It was. It was just when you let women out there.

[B]

Fun day.

[A]

Great day. Fun day. But when you let. And beginner men wouldn't go. A beginner man would not go. Like, I've never played golf. We'd really like to have you out there. Like, I'm not going. I'll make a mess of it.

[B]

I'll putt.

[A]

Yeah. Where do you get the ignorance, arrogance, and craziness to actually go? Sure, I'll do something I've never done before because she's trying to bang that same guy. He's just get it over with. Go have sex in the bathroom. This golf thing was a charade.

[B]

Maybe she owned the company.

[A]

Oh, God, if she did. No, no. Nobody who owns a company's that bad. At golf. You have to be a little bit. You have to. You have to. You have to have at least seen it like this. No, the handles on the other end. I'm holding the fat side.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Have you seen. Do you have a tv?

Do you have the Internet? Like, you could have looked like, what do I. How to. How to golf. Awful.

[B]

How many times would I hear Brett say broad, bro?

[A]

This broad. Oh, we were saying. Oh, I was on there. This broad. But you can't yell at them. They want equal treatment. But if you started yelling at her, she'd start crying. Dudes won't cry. Hey, jackass, let's go. Brady wasn't yelling at him.

[B]

I know.

[A]

You say he on the golf course. Start screaming at people. Dudes, we all have done that. Guys, you're a hole and a half behind. Come on, let's go. Pick it up. And then you get no and brand new. Right? We know. We've seen you. You're horrible. We're bad at it, and we're catching you go back to golf land. Miniature golf is your game. It's not like Brady and I are like, you know, ice pop strokes down the road. I will say we hit the ball pretty well yesterday, so we were on a good pace. But Jesus Christ. This lady. We were catching him constantly. We're not good enough to be up your ass. Unless.

But it was an awesome tournament. Of course. Is in incredible shape. They did a great thing. Beautiful. Raised a lot of money. So you kind of give. You kind of forgive it a little. But I'm. I'm on the cusp of not being very forgiving of that. If you say, hey, you want to be in our golf tournament?

And you. And by the way, what were the guys thinking? Bring the worst woman golfer we know and just wreck it for everybody. Because that's what you did. Who's the worst golfer in here? Female. Me. I don't even know what it is.

[B]

Golf.

[A]

What's that? You're. You're. You're. Go buy a skirt. You're going.

And they took her with. And that's their fault.

[B]

That's how they got her. You can buy new clothes.

[A]

You can buy new clothes. I'll buy them for you. Oh, my God.

She didn't even have clubs. She bought. She rented clubs from the. Come on. I really want to be part of this. Why?

Why? And it wasn't Margot Robbie out there. You have to be that hot to be that bad at something and have me tolerate it. Like if a hot girl is trying to cook for the first time and lights the kitchen on fire, you still like, you're a great.

[B]

It's okay.

[A]

It's okay. Need a new cabinets. Anyway. If an ugly girl tries to cook and be honest. Time for an upgrade. You know what? You just kind of jump started the whole rem.

But if she's ugly and she burns your kitchen down, you're in a courtroom in a few. And she's paying for this. Bitch is going to pay for this. And then you're in a stadium and Islamabad throwing rocks. Anyway, thank you to Jeff Jr. And the folks at Trajan. It was awesome. And we got a good deal of entertainment on it. Brady wanted to pass them. Let's just drive by and skip ahead. I'm like, no, you're not wrong. But let's just see. Let's see if they ever get it. And they didn't. They remained oblivious for 18 holes.

And there was nothing better than hearing Brady's frustration when she'd go from the cart to the green. It was probably a 70 or 80 yard walk sometimes. And forget her putter. And then you'd see her like, do girl. Jog back to the. Like, you don't need to putt. You're not gonna. And then she'd get her putter and she'd run back and they had already as a team hit the putt in and then she'd put it down in line or club and like you don't even need to go. Your team already scored its points.

[B]

I still want to hear that.

[A]

I gotta tell I forgot my club. If you forget your club at all ever on the golf course, sit it out for three holes. You have to sit up for that should be a rule. I walked up to the ball and guess what? I forgot the stuff to golf with. Okay. You gotta sit down for three holes.

I didn't bring a stick. Did anybody? I totally forgot. We need sticks for this.

Idiot.

Otherwise. But I'd do it again today because it was fun. I really enjoyed it. Just some rules. A couple basics. I'm gonna get y'. All that tall man has good ideas and women shouldn't be allowed on golf courses. I'm going a direction.

Cutting check after check. My hat. Carpal tunnel. It's 7:59. It's time for Brady to give you all the news that only Brady knows. We call this the Brady report and it's brought to you by all pro shades. If you want to get your shady life together and you want to do it right, you want to make your house look pretty and beautiful. We saw a couple on Camelback Country Club those beautiful awnings that were coming off a couple of these houses. My God. It. It does. It's attractive. You can add a lot of value to your house with these things. And it's not that crazy expensive. It's actually really good. Head on over there toAllPro shade dot com. You get a motorized shade right now. They'll throw in a heater for those cooler evenings. You want to sit on the beautiful beautiful patio that you've built with allprochade.com.

[B]

Brady report it good Thursday morning to Phoenix. Hello world. Happy national Cookie day.

I'm sure there's some deals out there.

[A]

Cookie deals.

[B]

You don't know any. There might be. How about some research crumble. You gotta have the app. I think.

At Jimmy John's if you have the app they'll give you the their Christmas cookie there. Subway. Have foot long cookies now hold on. I don't know if they still have those or not but I remember them.

[A]

You go into. You have a Jimmy John's app.

[B]

I don't.

[A]

Oh but you know. But I saw. I thought you were just giving us that knowledge off the top of your noggin there. John Holmberg's morning sickness. The 98 Kupd Holmberg's morning sickness.

I was impressed.

[B]

Couple of basis fun facts. Adding bubbles to your bath keeps the water warm for a longer period of time.

[A]

Come on, man.

[B]

When you do your Monday night bubble bath.

[A]

No, I know the bubbles you're talking about. You're a child.

[B]

You're talking Jacuzzi.

Warmer. Longer now.

[A]

I threw some heat.

[B]

You can't. You can't touch this.

[A]

What? What?

[B]

Sorry, John. A golf charity event with an after party.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

KPD and Tripp should really look into something like that.

[A]

By. Hey, it's back. Stop it. Legally. Nope. All right. I'm doing a. I'm doing an illegal rogue golf tournament next year. Like it or not, I'll pay for it. But guess what? Nobody here is going to make any money off of it. It'll be all mine. And the second I hear, well, we can't do it, I'm like, well, then I'll take the money and we'll give it to charity and I'll write it off.

[B]

You can't touch this is the only MC Hammer. It's his fifth highest charting song.

[A]

Can't Touch this as Hammers number five.

[B]

Peaked at number eight.

[A]

Too Legit was huge.

[B]

I think was higher too.

[A]

I pray couldn't have gotten higher. No, Pray was higher than. Don't tell me the Adams groove. Oh, no.

[B]

Bingo. Brett.

[A]

Oh, God.

[B]

Are you sure?

[A]

Not really.

[B]

The other one was the Shylight's cover.

[A]

Oh, have you seen her?

[B]

Yeah, have you seen her?

[A]

Yeah, tell me, have you seen her?

That all was bigger than Hammer time.

[B]

Yeah, you can't touch this.

[A]

Oh, you can't. Yeah, the Hammer time. Can't touch this. Well, that was his first big hit. Then everything else, everybody's. Oh, well, it's got to be good. I'm gonna like that. Too legit. Too legit to quit. Hey, hey. I'm doing the finger thing.

And having Snoop on a stoop is the same as having like Hammer on the wall. Hammer on the peaked.

[B]

When he was floating down in those pants in the Taco Bell commercial, you.

[A]

Put him in a little cage and hammer, Hammer in the slammer. And you put him up on.

Oops, sorry.

[B]

When. When Sega was marketing sonic the Hedgehog 2 in 1992.

[A]

Love it.

[B]

They decided to build the hype by releasing it on a Tuesday.

And that set the standard for the.

[A]

Hot release of when it all happened on Tuesday.

[B]

Tuesday.

[A]

Which now they release moved it around a lot. Used to be Tuesday release dates were the big thing. That couldn't have been right that's what they're saying.

[B]

1992. It stuck for how many decades afterwards? Now they. Now they rotate around.

[A]

When did they do it before? Because I remember going to Tower Records. It was always Tuesday at midnight.

[B]

I remember guns and roses was Tuesday at midnight.

[A]

I remember that. Huge. Yeah, huh?

[B]

I got a quick. Wild America.

[A]

Okay, well, one day I don't. Load it up. All right. And go.

[B]

Hello, my friends. Brady Bogan here with your wild America. This man in Georgia recently came across an injured raccoon on the side of the road. Decided to.

Give the animal a lift to a nature center. So he wrapped the raccoon up in his coat, held it against his chest, and drove over an hour. It's unclear if the guy was just a huge animal lover or the raccoon looked cute. Either way, it was wild.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Not good to drive around with him next to your chest. Are you listening, Brady?

[A]

This is.

[B]

This is why I'm doing the story close to you. Raccoon bit the man in his face and hands. So he decided to give it a little more space. Managed to wrap it in a blanket, put some duct tape around it.

[A]

Killed it. He killed it. He killed the raccoon.

[B]

Once he got to the nature center, the staff put the raccoon in a kennel and then sent it to a vet. They forcefully insisted the bloody man go to the hospital. He finally agreed. Turns out the raccoon had rabies, of course, and was immediately euthanized. Oh, wow. So the man went through all that trouble for nothing. The nature center said that while the guy's heart was in the right place, you should never do what he did.

[A]

No.

[B]

Especially picking up the animal, keeping it close to your chest. You hear yourself laughing, right?

[A]

It wanted to hear mama's heartbeat. I read this on the interwebs once. They get cozy when they think they're in the womb again.

[B]

It comes.

[A]

And do you think people say that all the time? It's like he likes it because in the womb he used to listen to his mama's heartbeat and they say that stupid stuff. Do you remember ever being in the womb? They don't either. It calms him. He thinks I'm his mama. You're dumber than him.

[B]

They also wanted to let people know that they're licensed. They're not licensed for raccoon rehabilitation. They only accept raptors, reptiles and amphibians.

[A]

Wait, there is a license for raccoon rehab? Yeah, I'm looking into that. Was that 85 bucks? You know what raccoon rehab is? Put it out by the trash. He'll be fine.

[B]

They're pretty hardy.

[A]

Yeah. You put them in a dumpster and he's like, thanks. I'm back to being a raccoon again.

[B]

That's your wild America.

We had a close call in the food world here in Arizona. Over 250,000 cases of shredded cheese were recalled, but our state wasn't one of them.

[A]

Cool.

[B]

But most stores in California and New Mexico at the Targets, Aldi's and Walmarts.

[A]

I had to pull the Mozik. Why?

[B]

There's shards of metal. Oh, all right. That's a good. They believed in some of the packets of the shredded cheese, so not taking any chances. Yank them all. Want to be judgmental, but would you ever throw out cheese?

[A]

The Great Lakes Cheese Company that was metal in it.

[B]

I would sift through. Yeah, Yeah.

[A]

I got some. It's like pan for gold. Hey, would you look at that?

[B]

I just wave over with a man.

[A]

Yeah. Put a magnet over your cheese.

I can take this to a shop and get some money for it. There's a lot of metal in there.

[B]

Got a doordash driver that's in trouble. He was delivering some chicken wings, and one of the wings fell out. He picked it up off the sidewalk on the front doorstep and put it back in the package and then licked his fingers.

[A]

Let me tell you this. First and foremost, all lies. It didn't just fall out. He had that opened on the way over, and he was dipping his fingers in the juice and sucking on the ju, and he forgot to close it, and that's why it fell out.

[B]

All right, one more.

[A]

It's Florida. They haven't figured out the staple tape game. If a doordash driver drops your food off without staples and tape, don't eat it. He's been in there more than tape.

[B]

It's got to be a sticker from.

[A]

Well, that's the thing. The tapes. The sticker tapes. That's got the. Yeah. Like, ingotch tape isn't. Boom, two of them. And then. Yeah. That way they can't even, like, dip their little dirty doordash fingers in and get a fry.

I feel. I feel so bad for the doordash drivers because you know how hard it is when you've got McDonald's in your car and you've got it sitting in the passenger seat and you tell yourself, not going to eat any of that till I get home. First red light. All right, one. I'll just have one. You can't smell those fries. You can't Smell KFC in your car without at least touching it and licking your fingers. You have to. So you have to staple that closed and you have to tape it up. If a doordash driver drops stuff off and it isn't stapled and taped.

Do not eat it.

[B]

Don't use my name. Well, I can. I only have your phone number.

[A]

We'll do that.

[B]

Says, John. I was like you. I was really good at opening Christmas packages. I can open up my Uber.

[A]

You cannot. And it would take you 45 minutes to get it.

[B]

All right?

[A]

You'd have to have a steamer. How hungry are you? Just go buy your own goddamn food. Are you eating my food? You're already there. Pick up an extra pack of fries. You went out, bought a steamer and a different staple gun, and you're taking the time to hit the holes the same.

Come on. Just grab some. Grab an extra thing of fries while you're at the mc, pop in some for me. And you know what? That should be something on door dash. It said, would you like to buy the driver some fries? If the driver has requested fries. Okay, take it off the tip and get yourself some fries.

[B]

There you go.

[A]

Fry tip. Or, you know, bag food for the driver to dig his hands in so he leaves your stuff alone. I couldn't do it. I couldn't be a doordash driver. I need all the food. It would be too hard.

[B]

There's some folks in Philly that are a little upset in their neighborhoods because now people that are parking illegally are finding an apparatus on their car called barnacles. They seal your windshield. They put this block on your windshield. It likes, like, suction cups onto it. You can't remove it, so you can't drive your car off. It's completely blocked.

[A]

I could hang out the window. I'll show.

[B]

There's a picture of them.

[A]

Oh, oh.

[B]

Ace Ventura with your head. So it takes up about three quarters of the windshield.

And it's 100 bucks to get it released.

[A]

Ain't that a. Watch this hanging out the side window. Stick my little eyes out of there. Like I'm driving a. You like?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There's one way to do.

[B]

Is removing the windshield altogether.

[A]

People will do it.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

I got one of those. Those bike lock boots. You got one of those yet? It's. And you don't even. You can hardly see it, but I got one.

[B]

Like a mountain bike.

[A]

Yeah. They take a bike lock and they shove it around all the way around your brakes and everything, and it locks up and it's got this super sturdy lock on it. And they stick a sticker on the side of your car that says, you want us to take this? You want. You want the combination? Venmo me like 200. You're like, I gotta get out of here. So I did. And then in order to get like 50 bucks back, you got to bring back the lock. The lock was nice. I wanted to keep it, and now I know the combo, but it was like an extra $250 if you don't return the lock and $50 off if you do. So they keep charging you because now they got your card and it's down there. Cityscape downtown. And I was like, you got to be kidding me. They parked in what I thought was the dude lied to me, said, anything's black reserved, you can have red reserved. Don't. What he meant to say was anything that's black numbered. But if the word reserves on it, you know, a smarter man would say that just means don't park there. But he said black reserve was open. So I parked there, I left it, and I came back to a boot. But the new boots are nice. They're not those big clunky things. If you try to drive, it'll rip your brakes off. Pretty cool.

[B]

Got two stories about Faberge eggs this week that happened. One was one auction off this week for $30 million. The Russian jewelry house made it back in 1913.

The other one is a 32 year old guy in New Zealand walked into a jewelry store.

And he swallowed a Faberge egg.

[A]

Aren't those big?

[B]

Well, this is a limited edition. It's the James Bond themed necklace called the Octopusy surprise locket. You remember that egg from the James Bond Octopussy?

[A]

I remember. I remember that part.

[B]

Well, they've made 50 of them and there's miniature size, but he was able to swallow it. He didn't get out the door. They arrested him by the time there, so now they're just waiting for him to pass the edge.

[A]

You don't have to be that well trained to notice a guy eating the jewelry.

[B]

$19,000.

[A]

Yeah, he slugged it in John Holmberg's morning sickness. The 98 KUPD. Holmberg's Morning Sickness. What do they just gotta laying out free or did they go, I'd like to see this one? And then.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And it goes back to what I was saying about things you see on tv, because that was in Octopussy. Wasn't in the guy eat it. He was eating jewels.

[B]

No, I think it was just he was hiding something. In the egg, it was like either A1 was a fake.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Maybe there was one movie where a guy was eating the jewelry, but there were little rings and diamonds and he was swallowing them and stuff. Well, the fake egg was Ocean's 12. Remember when they put that. They put the phony egg where the real one was? Yeah, I remember one. Maybe it was like Blood diamond, where they were eating the diamonds and then later they'd get them out of their poop.

[B]

That sounds like Blood diamond, but, yeah.

[A]

People will that kind of stuff. Maybe movies motivated somebody to do something dumb.

[B]

I thought he could swallow it and get out of there.

[A]

I think of Faberge eggs as those big. The ones that look like they open them up and they got, like, a horse carriage in them.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah. The thing.

[A]

This might just be candy, actually.

[B]

And finally, we got a family in Oklahoma. Their dog just earned a place in the Guinness World Record for the longest tongue.

The previous record was 5.46 inches.

[A]

Belonged to a hanging out.

[B]

Hanging out.

[A]

Okay. So it's the tongue part that's out because it goes down into your throat. So you're not measuring all the way down into the.

[B]

Yeah, so it's hanging out of the mouth.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And this was this dog in Bloomington, Illinois, but it was shattered by Ozzy. The French Mastiff and bull mastiff mix.

7.83 inches long.

[A]

Hanging out of his mouth.

[B]

Hanging out of his mouth.

[A]

And it's just dry like a beef jerky stick.

[B]

I think you can pull up, you know. Yeah, I can. Yeah.

[A]

It's.

[B]

Some deliciousness hanging out of there. So he's slab of baloney coming out of there.

[A]

So he's Mr. The dog.

[B]

I don't think so.

Think you have, but I don't know.

[A]

Have a tongue like that. He's not passing many IQ tests.

[B]

Really strong.

[A]

He's over at the daycare center and all the other dogs. Like that dude doesn't get it. I think I swim blue. Next. Nothing with you, weirdo. I like jelly beans. We all like jelly beans. Or dogs.

[B]

Got a couple of radio videos. First one's a girl fight.

[A]

All right.

All right. Oh, oh. It's white girl fight. So it's slow.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

One just kind of did the splits and starts pounding the other one in the face. She's got her on the ground.

Did you look at these before? How did you not catch? It's the only words in it. She's got her again. Now the girl that was getting beat up has turned the tables. And then they Go. There's a big girl. Went down. Big girl. Dropped hard. And then. Yeah, then she screams that thing at her. And then the other one gets up and says, we're not done yet. Kicks her in the stomach weekly. And then it's a double grounded. Pounds right back. She tries to go back for more. Shouldn't have gotten up from that first knockout.

[B]

Next one, we got her shirts. A conch republic.

[A]

I believe it does. Yep.

[B]

All right.

[A]

She's kind of pretty. The one that's beating up the one with skills.

[B]

Quick video from the biker boys.

[A]

Nope. We're down in a terrible island nation of somewhere where too many motorcycles exist. There, they're revving their motorcycles and lifting the back tires off the ground with their hands. One dude's making a lot of smoke out of this. Yeah. Oh, and he just lights his friend on fire. The exhaust. Oh, it just burst out of the muffler. Is that what's on a motorcycle? And just shot fire on his friend. I don't know.

[B]

He's pouring on there like. Like, what happens if we put lighter fluid on there?

[A]

Where are they? They're not afraid of fire at all. That's a rainforest. Where are these people? You don't want to know. What a dump.

They've all got motorcycles, every one of them.

And, like, bad bunny just showed up at the end. You see that?

[B]

Yep.

[A]

All right. This is a guy getting lit on fire. Don't stand behind a motorcycle. A dude's revving and pouring.

[B]

This last was disgusting. It's a concert, and this woman is sharing stuff with the audience. Yeah, you're gonna have to tell us what artist, what band this is.

[A]

Brett.

This guy's reaching down. It's a woman. Oh, she's got her hands in her vagina. She pulled out her tampon.

[B]

And one happy fan walks away with one. But wait.

[A]

No, wait. She's got more. She's got a rogue tampa. She looks like. Oh, she just whips it in the world famous L7 move here in Phoenix. She did. That was. That one was like a piece of. What's that? A pie?

[B]

I threw a piz Was weak.

[A]

I'd rather get hit by a pizza than the first thing, though.

[B]

A bunch of them.

[A]

She's got no pants on. Is that a. They've already seen this. All seven did it seven years ago, but not two. This chick's like a magician pulling out handkerchiefs. She's got two. Oh, we've seen stuff coming out of that. I mean, bowling pins and everything. By the way, that's True female Gar. Look at that second one is just like. The first one should have done a lot of the damage. The second one absorbed a ton of blood. Nicole Brown Simpson's porch wasn't that bloody. That was bright red.

[B]

And then.

[A]

Why throw the pizzas at the people? You've done enough.

I don't know. Color me crazy, but if someone throws a tampon at me, I'm leaving.

[B]

And listeners sent this one to us. I think this is from this weekend.

[A]

It is.

[B]

It's the guy that got.

[A]

Oh, is that the motorcycle thing? Yeah, that's a hit. By the way, they're saying that that was a narco hit. Oh, geez. Yeah, that was a hit on the guy in the motorcycle. One dude ran over another and then shot at him. And then. And the guy crossed the door.

[B]

I heard that. That the guy hit the wrong person.

[A]

Yeah, that's what I. Yeah, they said that was a. That was all designed to happen. And then the dude.

[B]

Like, it was planned. Evidently, that guy was taking somebody out.

[A]

It was it the. I don't like that was Games mentioned any. Yes, it was the T Birds. T Birds and the Pink Ladies.

[B]

Sharks.

[A]

And the Sharks. That's right. The jets and the Sharks. And afterwards, a couple of guys are like, that's no good. You just hit my buddy. Because that's how gangs work. That's the gangs I know. Those are the ones I'm comfortable with. Like, hey, we got a big fight over there with them with the Mongols.

[B]

They're catching up with the Lizzies.

[A]

The Mongols. Zuko and Crater Face raced in the reservoir later. We got a race. Everything's gonna fall apart for us.

[B]

Cool.

[A]

Grease sliding in your burning. These gang members are tough. Look at them sing.

Did you just spin and dance? Yeah, we're in a gang fight.

Walk towards him. Snapping.

You're gonna get trouble tonight.

[B]

Hit him with the car. They just finished up in the shop.

[A]

Yeah. You want to race for pinks? Okay, let's do it.

I thought we were a gang. We are. We gotta sing songs to show them how tough we are. All right, Bert, here we go.

[B]

All right, hang on.

[A]

I was on a different screen here. Somebody just sent me something.

All right, this one will start out with. This is for Brady. They were surprised he didn't have this one yet. All right, here we go. Oh. What? This is an old talk show. That's Burt Parks singing. He's a Miss America. Oh, Jesus. He's singing Miss America. And then they cut to a very crippled woman who has got one leg and it's nice. The other leg is prosthetic. She has no arms. She's in a thong somehow. She's got a nice ass, and I don't know how that happens without a right leg. You got to do some squats. She has huge fake breasts.

[B]

It's like what happened to Tara Hitchcock.

[A]

Yes, that's Tara Hitchcock. There's a pretty substantial crowd there to watch this crippled thing. She looks like an At. At From Star Wars.

She's just two giant legs, and then her upper torso is kind of bending forward for balance.

[B]

I'll be looking out for her.

[A]

And big boobs, no arms. And she's in a beauty contest. The nerve on that one. I'm gonna enter the contest. Oh, God. Really? I've been working out. You just breathing is working out. And there's one. Stay off your phones. Oh, we're at a cafe. Guy crossing the street got his phone. Oh, the car doesn't seem to drive. Oh, man.

[B]

She got.

[A]

That was a girl. Yeah. She's crossing the road. She's filming, and oblivious to the fact she's just walked herself right into traffic. Oh, my God. And the guy didn't even see her to the point where he took off. Wow. Yeah. Put your phone down when you're crossing the street. I don't know. We've got a dominatrix here and a black tank top, huge boobs. She's tied to something. Oh, she's got her boobs tied off with ropes to the point where they're numbed and turned purple. She's cut off all the circulations to her breasts, and they're pouring hot wax on them. I think she can still feel that they're purple. They're so tied up with rope. Oh, there's a bunch of. You put a ton of needles in them. Now they're just pulling on the ropes and making them dance. Those things are gonna pop. Oh, my God. And we'll just. Why? Well, let's just end with hillbilly midgets. Okay. All right. That's a great phrase.

[B]

New Zealand.

[A]

It's the beginning of. Well, that's the real shot from Lord of the Rings. Oh, God. Here's disgusting meth addict midgets having sex with each other in a foursome. Oh, and they're all just horrendously ugly.

The Wicked Witch was right. We gotta close this town down. Oh, Lord. Oh, that one on the left is not gonna make it much longer. That one's got a nice ass, though.

Very rarely see a midget with a flat ass. They've always got a thick one.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Oh, that one looks like that guy that sings that. That. That Mungo or whatever.

[B]

That.

Looks like a summertime.

[A]

Yes, it was little Mungo Jerry. It's. It is Lil Mungo Jerry as a girl. A midget girl. Oh. Looks like a tiny Andre the Giant does. It's Andre the Midget. Oh, my God. Oh, Lord. Midget foursome. Unattractive midget foursome. Great band name. I'd still rather be behind that foursome than the one we were behind yesterday in golf. At least those four knew what they were doing.

Oh, sorry, midgets, but that was gross. One at a time, please.

I can't see that many see malformed human beings doing one thing at a time. Yeah, that does look just like Mungo. She looks. Look. It's just like Mungo Jerry. Same teeth and everything.

[B]

Wow. Nailed it.

[A]

That pigeon is Fungo Jerry. A shrinky dink. Mungo Jerry. I like it. There you go. That is your Brady Report. I need a cleanser. It's 98, Arizona's most powerful, powerful rock radio station.