Holmberg’s Morning Sickness – FULL SHOW – 12/04/25 (Thursday)

Arizona’s #1 Morning Radio Show on 98 KUPD | Hosted by John Holmberg

Episode Overview

This Thursday episode of Holmberg’s Morning Sickness is packed with holiday reminiscing, edgy social commentary, absurd humor, pop culture debates, and the crew’s signature offbeat banter. John Holmberg and his co-hosts Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, and Dick Toledo muse on the mythology of Santa Claus, tooth fairies, parenting strategies, “Ring of Honor” sports ceremonies, and the wild absurdities of both local and global traditions. The episode also features a guest appearance by comedian Ryan Hamilton, discussions of recent news stories, listener emails, and predictions for the NFL weekend, all in the conversational style that defines the show.

Santa, Childhood Magic, and Parental Realities

[01:51–12:44]

• Debate on Santa’s Shelf-Life:
  John wonders why the Santa Claus myth is such a short-lived phase for kids (“Santa’s only good for literally four, four years… the devastating bomb is dropped”—[02:42]), contrasting its euphoria with growing up.
• Holiday Traditions Compared to Religion:
  The team riffs on how Santa’s redemptive narrative mirrors religion—a yearly “mini cycle of life, death, and forgiveness” ([05:31]–[06:27]).
• Best Santa Gifts Recalled:
  Everyone shares their most memorable “Santa” gift, reminiscing on toys and the innocence of childhood.
  • John: A sound design turntable, which he broke the first day ([09:22]); also a treasured Snoopy-shaped radio ([12:44]).
  • Brady: A metallic orange Columbia bike with a sissy bar ([08:42]).
• Parental Sacrifice Unnoticed:
  The group reflects on parents' hidden labor and credit card debt (“Santa gets the credit, Dad gets the bills”—[07:32]), poking fun at kids taking family holidays for granted.

Notable Quotes:

• “It’s better than Jesus… because Santa shows up.” – John Holmberg ([03:49])
• “Santa heard you, and it was because you pointed at a picture and you said, I want that. And you got it.” – John ([08:58])

Tooth Fairy, Manipulating Kids & Parenting Tactics

[15:45–24:35]

• Tooth Fairy Economics:
  The group jokes about the randomness of Tooth Fairy money and heightened “house intrusion” anxieties kids never seem to have ([16:35]–[17:35]).
• ‘Elf on the Shelf’ & Behavioral Manipulation:
  The hosts debate the merits of Elf on the Shelf and joke about alternative “fear-based” religious tactics to control children ([19:00]–[21:17]), including an outrageous idea of staging a “live Jesus visitation.”
  • “You want your kids to behave... In the middle of the night, you get on a cross, pour blood all over your hands…” – John ([19:54])
• Cultural Variants:
  Discussion of trending “Snoop on the Stoop” and “Ozzy on the Shelf,” lampooning both social trends and racial implications ([23:11]–[25:32]).
  • “Never heard of Snoop on a Shelf, but it seems wildly racist. Nice job, Gilbert.” – John ([24:59])

Memories, Parenting, and Societal Satire

[27:29–44:49]

• Societal Double-Standards & Holidays: More comedic critiques of race, consumer culture, and “teachable” childhood moments using funny examples.
• Email Segment – Domestic Violence Against Men:
  John reads a listener's email about male domestic violence, deftly balancing sympathy and signature comic insensitivity ([28:20]–[29:23]).
• Not So ‘Cool’ Holiday Toys:
  Jokes about modern parenting one-upmanship (“No kid is listening to Snoop Dogg… Snoop’s basically Fred Sanford to your kids, only not funny”—[24:35]).

Notable Moment:

• The hosts describe differences in how different cultures claim Christmas/holiday credit, noting that “Jews have it figured out. Only mom and dad get the credit.” ([28:20])

Adulting, Environment, & Moral Commentary

[44:40–52:07]

• Environmentalism vs. Fun:
  John rails against environmentalists and PETA for “ruining fun,” emphasizing how they’d rather party with Michael Jordan on a yacht than scold him for emissions ([44:49]–[47:18]).
  • “Be more fun!” – John ([47:18])
• Yacht Talk:
  Lively conversation about success, envy, and the optics of big spending (“You sell a boatload of shoes, you dumbass. Now get out of here.” – John, pretending to be MJ, [46:21])
• Perspective on Global Justice:
  The show’s signature irreverence surfaces as John describes an Afghan stadium execution where a 13-year-old kills a murderer, discussing cultural optics and American perceptions ([51:47]–[54:51]).

Notable Quotes:

• “Sometimes the Taliban has good ideas.” – John ([51:47])
• “They had to have bathrooms and attendants and ticket guys…” – John on Afghan stadium executions ([59:41])

Sports Satire, Video Games, and Hall of Fame Debates

[64:14–90:09]

• Ring of Honor Critique:
  John and Dale Hellistray (guest, ex-NFL/Cowboys lineman) dissect the arbitrariness of local sports “Ring of Honor” cultures, from Charles Barkley vs. Chris Paul to the inclusion of “transplant” and “name” players over lifelong career guys ([137:42]–[148:43]).
• Video Game Influence:
  Jokes about the idea that video games and TV “influence” behavior, especially Grand Theft Auto and the temptation to ramp vehicles ([70:40]–[72:07]).
• Female Golfers in Charity Tournaments:
  John and Brady satirically complain about badly chosen female foursome members in golf tournaments, using the segment as a springboard for commentary on gender, attractiveness, sports etiquette, and social rules ([83:23]–[91:57]).

Notable Quotes:

• “If you didn’t want him through a contract negotiation in his prime, you can’t be in your ring of honor.” – John, on Greg Maddux and sports loyalty ([150:28])
• “You have to be that hot to be that bad at something and have me tolerate it.” – John ([90:22])

News, Local Oddities, and Gag Segments

[92:12–114:35]

• Brady Report & Wild America:
  Brady delivers bite-sized news: national Cookie Day, shredded cheese recalls, raccoons in blankets, and world-record dog tongues, all with the gang’s mocking input ([92:12]–[107:15]).
• Viral Video Reactions:
  Multiple wild or gross internet videos, from girl fights to biker stunts and even a horror-show tampon-throwing concert ([107:28]–[110:25]).

Notable Moment:

• “I would sift through that cheese, pan for gold… just put a magnet over your cheese.” – John ([99:47])

In-Studio: Comedian Ryan Hamilton

[117:01–134:32]

• Rivalries & Hecklers:
  Ryan shares stories about regional rivalries and the evolution of “personal” comedy hecklers, including a viral Warren Buffett incident ([117:58]–[121:16]).
• Comedy Career & Apocalypse Toolkit:
  Hamilton discusses Idaho pride, not having a “real” apocalyptic survival skill, and why stand-up attracts society’s handy “orphans”—people who don’t fit anywhere else ([125:35]–[134:32]).

Choice Quotes:

• “Do what you want to do. If it’s rape—don’t.” – Ryan Hamilton (tongue-in-cheek, [135:19])

Sports Picks & NFL Rundown

[136:02–170:27]

• NFL Week 14 Picks:
  Each host makes their pick for the week:

  • Bears vs. Packers (Bret takes Bears)
  • Cowboys vs. Lions (Hellistray/Cowboys)
  • Steelers vs. Ravens (Holmberg/Steelers)
  • Bills vs. Bengals (Brady/Bills)

• Betting Banter:
  Classic bickering about betting lines, payout splits, and the futility/optimism of their parlay bets ([166:02]–[170:27]).

Final Bits: Pop Culture & Local Reflexes

[174:19–end]

• Entertainment Drill:
  Quick hits on Scorsese’s new Vegas series, Fox Nation’s “Saints” show, Bad Bunny’s Spotify dominance, and Chuck E. Cheese Christmas specials ([174:19]–[177:22]).
• Closing Shoutouts:
  The show wraps with playful reflections on “meaningless” halls of fame (including Dale’s Scottsdale Hall of Fame induction and John’s threat to burn down the Radio Hall of Fame if included), inside Arizona sports radio, and a tease for John’s own sports podcast ([156:09]–[172:52]).

Memorable Quotes and Segments

• On Santa vs. Jesus:
  “It’s better than Jesus. Jesus leaves too many bloodstains on the carpet.” – John ([03:49])
• On the Tooth Fairy:
  “You’d torture yourself like a prisoner of war pulling out a tooth… for a dollar if you were lucky.” – John ([16:09])
• On Environmentalists:
  “You’re so annoying that you make me want a yacht.” – John ([46:04])
• On Childhood Manipulation:
  “Just flash a strobe on the crucified ‘Jesus’ in your kid’s room, then ask what they did wrong.” – John ([20:38])
• On Arizona Sports Halls of Fame:
  “You can’t be in your Ring of Honor if you left for a contract fight in your prime.” – John ([150:28])

Timestamps for Key Segments

• Santa, Childhood, and Religion: [01:51–12:44]
• Parenting Tactics & ‘Elf on the Shelf’: [15:45–24:35], [19:54–21:17]
• ‘Snoop on the Stoop’ Social Satire: [23:11–25:32]
• Environmentalist Rant & Yachts: [44:40–51:16]
• Afghan Execution Stadium Satire: [51:47–63:50]
• Hall of Fame/Ring of Honor Debate: [137:42–148:43]
• Charity Golf Tournament & Gender: [83:23–91:57]
• Ryan Hamilton Interview: [117:01–134:32]
• NFL Picks: [166:02–170:27]
• Pop Culture/Entertainment Drill: [174:19–176:17]

Tone

Raucous, irreverent, intentionally provocative, and peppered with wild hypothetical humor.
The episode features good-natured ribbing, nostalgia, and purposely edgy takes on taboo subjects—delivered in the sardonic, rapid-fire riff style the show is known for.

For Listeners New and Old

If you want holiday laughs, pop culture takes, sports bickering, and a reminder of why local morning radio still beats a playlist, this episode is a trip through suburban nostalgia and grown-up snark. For the full experience, catch the off-the-rails laughter and timing that only happens live in the studio.

“Sometimes the Taliban has good ideas… That’s all I’m saying.”
—John Holmberg, [51:47] (Irreverent satire, not foreign policy!)