12-05-25 - FULL SHOW - FRIDAY - Holmbergs Morning Sickness 98 KUPD

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness – 12-05-25 (FULL SHOW – FRIDAY) | Summary

Podcast: Holmberg’s Morning Sickness on 98 KUPD
Date: December 5, 2025
Hosts: John Holmberg, Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo
Guest: Demetri Martin (Comedian)
Notable Guest/Impressionist: Frank Caliendo

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Episode Overview

This Friday’s episode of "Holmberg’s Morning Sickness" is a classic freeform ride—part personal storytelling, sharp social commentary, and edgy humor—with John Holmberg leading the crew through a wild night of family drama, comic real talk about teenagers and parenting, and plenty of riffing and impressions. The episode also features an interview with comedian Demetri Martin, who shares thoughts about comedy, family, and life, and closes out with an extended visit from Frank Caliendo, who brings his signature impressions and wild banter to the show. Along the way, the crew dives into prison stories, conspiracy theories, the generational gap, and more.

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Main Segments & Key Discussion Points

1. Holmberg's Night of Insanity

Timestamp: 02:21 – 18:00

• Family Drama/Full Moon Madness:
  Holmberg recounts a chaotic evening involving his dad staying at his rental, a friend’s parents going silent (prompting a bizarre, frantic search), and a suspicious stranger at his rental home.

  • His dad’s paranoia when a man claims to have been falsely accused of rape and asks for help, resulting in his dad standing outside with a .308 rifle.
  • The "full moon" is blamed for all the night’s unusual activity, including heightened emotional distress, particularly among the women involved.
  • The generational divide over how often kids, especially teenagers, call their parents for trivial reasons was humorously dissected.
  • Quote:
    “I literally thought my best friend had been beheaded by the cartel and taken away… I was driving all over the place looking for these idiots. And they’re just on date night at Richardson’s.” (John, 09:51)
  • Memorable Bit: The mocking impression of a Russian-accented adult "kid" calling his mom at work to ask about sandwich meat.

• Teenager/Parent Phone Dynamic:
  Commentary on modern parenting and how teens constantly call parents for small things, which the hosts contrast with their own childhoods:

  • “Every parent I know now, kids are different these days. They don’t have sex. They don’t? Nope. …They call you and say, when are you coming home to get squirted in?” (John, 22:28)
  • The hosts emphasize that when teens are calling, they really just want to know when their parents will be gone so they can “get up to no good.”

2. Parenting, Teenagers & Teenage Sexuality

Timestamp: 18:00 – 34:00

• Blunt Talk About Teen Sex Lives:
  • Multiple jokes about teens, particularly daughters, being sexually active and parents' denial about it.
  • Repeated advice: “All daughters get ectoplasm on their hands and try to wash it off before they come home and kiss you good night.” (John, 32:47)
  • Ongoing riff on “taking squirts,” “mouth squirt,” handies, and risky teenage behavior.
• Reflection on Their Teen Years:
  “When you were 17, did you run home and tell [your parents] you just got a hand job in the back of a car? Nope. Never once.” (John, 79:41)
• Parental Naiveté:
  Skewering the idea that their own generation’s teens were less wild or more honest.

3. Neighborhood & Family Stories

Timestamp: 34:00 – 44:00

• More Dad Stories:
  • Maintaining lawns (“turf monster” psychological scarring from dad's obsession with a perfect lawn).
  • Dad’s influence extends to why John now prefers turf.
  • Quote:
    “There’s some psychological reasons why I’ve turfed everything. There’s a reason I can’t look at blades of grass that are out of place and not think that Dan’s gonna shoot over from Texas and go, ‘What's going on here?’” (John, 42:40)

4. LeBron James / GOAT Debate

Timestamp: 47:40 – 53:40

• Discussion of LeBron’s end to the 10+ point streak, John’s "Jew magic" jinx, and how he doesn’t consider LeBron truly an all-time “GOAT.”
• Quote (John, 49:13): “Nobody calls LeBron out on that. What a selfish jackass…”
• The hosts discuss Kareem, Jordan, Steph Curry as more impactful, and how title chasing and team hopping changed the argument.

5. Prison Stories & Criminal Culture

Timestamp: 53:40 – 71:00

• Vivid, comedic, and at times graphic stories about prison squalor, violence, and sex.
• Tales from listeners and their own families, including stories about:
  • Prison "twinks," dangerous inmates like "Banzai Bob," and the inventive (and grotesque) ways inmates create weapons and currency.
  • Conversation about how neither John nor hosts would survive prison, riffing on “full Epstein” if they were faced with certain situations.
• Quote: (On being a prison “bitch”)
  “This ass is currency in there, and I’m gonna use it. …That’s the reason I don’t commit crimes. Fear of prison behavior. No, thanks.” (John, 61:22)

6. Comedian Demetri Martin Interview

Timestamp: 123:19 – 146:37

• Demetri Martin joins live and is asked about career, family, and the quirks of comedy life.
• Discussion includes:
  • Demetri’s Greek heritage and growing up as a priest’s son.
  • Raising kids as a traveling comic, normalizing unusual family lives.
  • How every parent traumatizes their kids in different ways.
  • Thoughts on dull children, truth-telling as a service (“the Truth Fairy”), and dealing with parental bias.
  • Favorite bits and his approach to writing and performing.
• Memorable Moment:
  Demetri outlines his new Christmas album (being practiced/recorded in Phoenix).
• Quote (Demetri):
  “I feel like life, in terms of a structure, just has the tragic ending. But we're just trying so hard to make it a comedy.” (147:25)

7. Frank Caliendo's Impressions & Show Wrap-Up

Timestamp: 148:26 – end

• Frank Caliendo brings a barrage of impressions (Trump, John Gruden, Dick Vitale, Shaq, Morgan Freeman, Tracy Morgan, and more).
• Extended, raucous Guadalupe Squares with comedic impressions, banter about band names (e.g., “Snorting Loads”), and audience interaction.
• Frank shares stories about performing with athletes, New Year’s Eve shows, and his impressions on-demand.
• Closing segment hints at live shows and upcoming events.

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Notable Quotes & Timestamps

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |---------------|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------|------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------| | 09:51 | John Holmberg | “I literally thought my best friend had been beheaded by the cartel and taken away… And they’re just on date night...” | | 22:28 | John Holmberg | “They call you and say, when are you coming home to get squirted in?” | | 32:47 | John Holmberg | “All daughters get ectoplasm on their hands and try to wash it off before they come home and kiss you good night.” | | 42:40 | John Holmberg | “I can’t look at blades of grass that are out of place and not think that Dan’s gonna shoot over from Texas...” | | 49:13 | John Holmberg | “Nobody calls LeBron out on that. What a selfish jackass...” | 61:22 | John Holmberg | “This ass is currency in there, and I’m gonna use it… That’s the reason I don’t commit crimes.” | | 147:25 | Demetri Martin | “I feel like life, in terms of a structure, just has the tragic ending. But we're just trying so hard to make it a comedy.” |

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Timestamps for Major Segments

• Opening/Ring Camera Story/Family Missing: 02:21 – 18:00
• Teenager/Parent Relationships & Sexuality: 18:00 – 44:00
• LeBron/GOAT Debate: 47:40 – 53:40
• Prison Stories & Dark Humor: 53:40 – 71:00
• Demetri Martin Interview: 123:19 – 146:37
• Frank Caliendo/Guadalupe Squares & Wrap: 148:26 – end

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Tone & Style

The show maintains its trademark irreverent, sarcastic, boundary-pushing, and conversational tone throughout. The hosts consistently riff on each other, digress in wild directions, and are unafraid to cross risqué boundaries for comedic effect.

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Memorable/Recurring Moments

• Running jokes about “squirting”, “handies,” and teen sexual activity.
• Frank Caliendo’s parade of impressions, especially Trump and Gruden, intertwined with local references.
• Riffing on prison “people zoos,” flat earthers, conspiracy nuts, and the “parental denial” about their teens’ behavior.
• Demetri Martin’s deadpan, insightful reflections on comedy, family, and the absurdity of life and parenting.

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Takeaway For Listeners

This episode is a microcosm of what "Holmberg’s Morning Sickness" is known for: hilarious long-form personal storytelling, fearless (often raunchy) riffs on family and modern life, sharp guest interviews, and wild comedic performances. Even listeners unfamiliar with the show will quickly get a sense of the hosts’ personalities, perspectives, and why the show has built such a strong following in Arizona radio.

Transcript

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Good morning everybody. Hello there. Welcome to Friday. It is 5:45. You know it by now. Yes, it's the morning sickness. My name is John Holmberg. How are you? There's Brady Bogan, there's Brett Vessel, there's big dick Toledo. Let's go. On this glorious day after a full moon that actually did affect the behavior of humanity. Last night in my world, I had quite a weird evening. Went over to my dad's here and he's staying at the rental house I have. So I popped him in there. Went over there yesterday. Evenings, hang out, say hi, show them the ins and outs of the place. You know what you can do here, the couch is hiding this, you got blankets over here, you got, you know, the basics. You know, there's chatting away. And I said, and he's like, wow, it's really like a nice area. I'm like, it's a nice neighborhood. It's very peaceful, quiet. Nothing goes on around here. It's no big deal. It's pretty great. I had a dinner to go to with Megan's sisters here and I ran over there real quick to go have dinner with them. After I left, my dad left. Dad feeling great about the place. Awesome. Go over to have dinner. I'm sitting at dinner and my phone is just buzzing like crazy. It's not a phone call, it's the ring camera non stop. And I'm like, how much stuff?

[B]

Which place?

[A]

At my dad's, the rental place. That. How much stuff does my dad have to haul in for like a three or four day stay? They're going in, they're going out. Every time I look, it's another one of their little dumb heads walking out of my house and walking back in the house, I'm like, good lord. So I just stopped paying attention to it. Then I got a phone call from my friend Mark Stebbing's daughter in Boston.

And she says. And I look and I'm like, this is no good. There's no reason for. She's 26 years old. It's like, why would she. If it was just a cordial thing, she'd text old uncle Johnny and say, hey, I got this, this and this. Get a phone call. And I'm like, that's not good. My gut Drops. You know when you get a phone call from somebody you're not supposed to get a phone call from? Oh, yeah. You're like, oh, boy. Phones ringing nowadays usually either mean tragedy or financial gains. That's about the only reason anyone would ever call me. Hey, we hit it. I got a billion dollars. I want to split it with you or everyone you know and love is dead. Those are the only reasons anyone should ever call me Doug Hopkins. Those are the only reasons anyone should call me. If my phone doesn't say Doug Hopkins, somebody's dead. So her name's Lauren. Lauren's on the phone. So I'm like. I tell everybody at the table, I'm like, I'm gonna take this. I've checked this out. This is rare. And I got a weird feeling. Open it up. Lauren goes, hey, my mom and dad, they have track. They track each other. I don't know. That's a new thing for families. I don't know if you guys do that, but the kids know where you are all the time and they can check and you know where they are all the time. That's horrible. Horrifying. That's North Korea crap. I wouldn't want that ever. I wouldn't. Do you have Kirby knowing where you are at all times or have the ability to check?

[B]

I think I have Kirby, but I don't know if Kirby has.

[A]

She's got you. Trust me. You're not blocking it. The way your eyes went to the ceiling tiles when I asked you that. You're. You're being surveilled.

[B]

I don't even. I don't even.

[A]

I don't know why anybody would. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

You know, Ronnie has both of us.

[A]

Yeah. And that's just. That's. That's North Korea crap. I couldn't do it. And maybe it's happening to me and I don't know it, but as long as I don't know it, it's better. Because that at least is. But she blocked out of mind. Yeah, of course. Cover that Feigned freedom to not know. Go ahead and track me, but don't tell me about it. I would make me so nervous. Like everything I'm doing is under question. I'd hate it. Anyway, so she calls and she said their last known locations are in different spots and they're together and now their phones are dead and they have a 17 year old daughter at home who's freaking out because they just. They came home and then they were gone again.

[B]

Get ahold of mom and dad and.

[A]

Nobody can get hold of mom and dad. And the only reason kids call their parents and you parents have blown it with your kids. There's no way I could ever call my parents when they're out with friends and ask them what's. Where's food? What's this? Order me chick Fil A but that every time I'm with someone with kids who have the ability to speak the language, they're getting three or four phone calls during the dinner about something in the fridge is missing. When are you coming home? What's. It's annoying that downstairs Jill and that Russian boy she's got says that Russian kid that for some reason, yeah, she got Vlad when he was like one. And then you float him over here.

[B]

And kind of trade deal.

[A]

He still has an accent. Kevin, he ain't letting go, but we'll be at work. And he. And she goes, he's calling. She gives me the phone and I always pick it up. I'm like, woman, where's my cabin? Hello. Hello, how are you? What is going on? What do you need your mother for? And he goes, hey, I don't know where the sandwich meat is. Like, have you checked the refrigerator? And he goes, come on, but give me my mother. And I'm like, no. And we talk back and forth in Russian accents. He's like 20. And he calls her to find out where sandwich meat is. Like, at the store, you jackass. What are you calling your mom at work for? And then we tease. I'm like, I know your mother's job is silly because it's a woman working. That is crazy. But she still has some things to do here at the, the office. And then, and then he just giggles and then hangs up. Waits like two minutes because he thinks he's being stealth and calls her back. And she goes, yeah, he calls me right back, says, you got. I can't get you a sandwich right now. Like if he was 4, it would be too much. But anyway, so these kids call constantly, their parents. So Kate, the 17 year old girl's at home, she's calling mom and dad. No answer. And it's ringing and going to voicemail. Then suddenly it's just going to voicemail. Both of their phones. They're ignoring phone calls from their daughter in Boston, their daughter at home, who didn't know that they even left. And now their son in Houston is involved. He just moved to Houston. Now they're, they're all their kids, one after another. They're calling on joint calls. Now they got me involved and they're like, Lauren's like, can you go to their last location? And I'm like, yeah, I guess so. So I leave my dinner and I go to the last location. And I'm like, there's no sirens or anything. And I'm like, do you want me to go home and tell the young one that she's an orphan or. Well, I mean, what do we do? So I'm just like, where else could they be? We got to find them. This is not normal. I'm like, oh. So I'm driving all over. I'm walked through hillstone. I go over to the neighborly. All their normal, like rest of the gladly. I'm walking into all the. All the restaurants named after adverbs. And I make a turn on 16th street and Camelback to head over to the neighbor neighborly. And about 38ft, 40ft out of the crosswalk is a Mexican family. Is there anything these people will cross legally?

[C]

Please.

[A]

You're next to the crosswalk. What are you doing in the middle of the road? I almost killed the whole family of Mexicans. You were 25ft from doing it the right way. Nah, let's cross illegally. We love that stuff. Anyway, that's my own little diatribe. There's my Trump moment. I get over to the neighborly. They're not there. I go, just spinatos, nothing. I go back to Los Dos Molinos. Nobody's car in the drive. I'm like, man. And then Lauren and I are on the phone the whole time, and she goes, oh, my dad's location has moved. And I'm like, well, there's a couple other places. I'll try Richardson's. I'll do that. And she goes, oh, they're on Maryland and 16th Street. I'm like, they're at Richardson's. I said, that's Richardson. So I drive up there, and I go inside, and they're not there. And I'm like, this is no good. And then she's like, my mom's location is now moving. I'm like, God damn it. What's going on? We thought they were dead. Like, this is so out of character. So finally, I call it. They were in the basement of Richardson's, which has no cell service at all. I didn't even know that was a thing. And they're like, this is the greatest night of our lives. The phone hasn't rung once. We got through a whole dinner without our kids bothering us. We didn't know our phones were dead. And we're all Ahahaha. Having a good time. I literally thought my best friend had been beheaded by the cartel and taken away. There was no way he got you in on it. Well, I was driving, I missed my dinner. I'm driving all over the place looking for these idiots. And they're just on date night at Richardson's. By the way, they had the pasta, Heidi. They offered some to me. It's a little thick, It's a lot of food.

[B]

Nice spice.

[A]

You're gonna get fat. If you eat that twice in your life. You're gon 20 or 30 pounds overweight. It's too much, but it's very tasty. Take a bite, push it away. It should be a sample, it should not be a meal. So I'm like, oh, thank God. And it was tense hour of me driving around the city thinking I just need to see their car in a parking lot to put these kids at ease. They were losing it. Like full moon, two broads. 117, 126. This is menstruation problems. And I do believe the moon creates some sort of emotional, you know, ebb and flow with the internal organs of women. And they lost it. And then their son is a little emotional because he's young and he's like, they're helpless, they're in different cities. So they. I finally get them on the road and we start laughing, having fun. I'm like, all right. I go home and I'm like, I'm grabbing something quick to eat. And I finally looked at what was going on with my dad because it's still buzzing. The ring things. Like every minute they're going in, they're coming out. The doorbell rang and like the doorbell rang. Nobody rings the doorbell at that place. So I look and about 38 times the front door camera went off. And the last one I look at, there's cop cars all out in front of us. Jesus. And I'm like, oh God. My dad already shot somebody in the rental house. This is a thing. So I go through all the videos. A dude comes by that house, rings the doorbell and stands there. My dad's like, me? He's like, I don't know who that is. I'm not answering that. And the windows are open and they're sitting right there watching tv and guys looking in the window. I'm watching this all in the video. Ding dong. And he just knocks on the window, sir. And my dad's like, oh God. So he kind of goes to the window and he's like, what do you need? He's not opening the door. He said if I open the door, I didn't want him to charge in. So I kind of cracked the one. I'm like, what are you doing? And he goes, hey, I got held up in my house by my girl. They took my cell phones, they broke both my phones and now they accuse me of rape. And that's when the thing cuts off. And I'm like, live view, live view. I gotta watch this. And my dad. Then the next one, they move again and the next one opens up. I just hear my dad go, I'm not interested in any of this.

You need to call the cops and go down the street. And he. So he sends him away. So they're talking to cops and everything else. I called him like, I swear to you, I've been in that house a hundred times. Never. Nobody's even like. It's just people walking their dogs. That's the only reason that camera ever goes off. And he goes, it seems like a really nice area, but I mean, he's saying that, that he's trying to break into this house because he's got to get his phones back. And I'm like, look, first, first bad sign is phones. He's got multiple phones. He's up to no good. And then she's saying that he, he raped her. And I'm like, tonight. He goes, I don't know, I'm not getting him. I'm gonna go back in the house. You jackass. I got my 308. Oh, you're standing in front of the house with a 308.

Well, you never know.

[B]

I'm in good hands.

[A]

There's Dan standing in front of my house with a. With a 308 pistol grip. Sorry, I'll take care of the rapist if he pops by again. And I'm like, yeah, all right. Go inside and go to bed.

Insanity. The whole night was just flat insanity. Nothing about it.

Was normal. You were just more worried that you're going to inherit that 17 year old kid, that deal. I told Mark that because I said, I said, Jesus. I don't know what I was rooting for, I have to be honest. As I was looking for my best friend and his wife, I thought there is some of this like, kind of exper. Like thing that I, you know, the dateline episode in me wants to find the bodies. And I know, I know that's emotionless, but there was part of me going, oh, this, this mystery can deepen if we. And then I'm like, well, what are you Doing, like, get back to reality. Let's listen to. But when you're driving around and you think in your head, oh, my God, they're missing. They're missing. You're like, what's going to happen next? Like, what if.

[B]

Start stirring up.

[A]

Yeah, what if they are in trouble? What if there is. What if the cartel did get him? I don't know if there's human parent trafficking where they take decent parents from the United States and drag them down to the cartels to raise unwanted drug babies. I don't know how this works. So I'm thinking maybe that's a thing. They're already halfway to Mexico, or they've had their heads chopped off, or their car exploded or they got stolen or something terrible's happening. So you think the worst thing's worst. And then my brain will go, well, then what? I'm like, who's gonna take care of those dogs? And Brett, I swear to you, in my mind, I went through the scenario of, okay, they're dead. Gotta go back to the house and get the dogs. But that teenage girl's gonna be there. I can't let her know that I'm. That they're gone, because then she's gonna need a place to stay for a little while. So I was doing everything I could to avoid the fantasy idea of ever having to be responsible for that girl. Yeah, I'm not going over there and picking her up.

[B]

You sign up for that?

[A]

Hell no. Nobody signs up. I did sign up. I will take look, signed up or not, I'm going to getting their dogs. That daughter. There's is a big barrier for me. Getting 17 is close to 18. She gets it. Larry moved out when he was 17. He's fine. So I figured, you know, and technically, the kid hits the jackpot. She gets a house, you know, grandma stays there for the next year, and then she's got it on her own with a. You know, financially, she's gonna be pretty secure if they're dead. But I don't know if this was the shot from your video camera. Yeah, it's kind of. Yeah. Those people in St. Louis that stood outside when the marchers went by. Yeah, that's exactly what my d did. Yeah. Is that a 308? That's an. They are. But, you know.

That'S all right. I got. I got my handy 308. You have a handy 308? That's the funniest part. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's just standing outside waiting for that guy to come back. He's leaning it up against the house. I see him on the. He's leaning on the house, just standing there. You can't see the gun, but he's in a. And for some reason he's like hunting clothes. He's got a big jacket on. And I'm like, it's like 55 degrees outside. You're dressed like. It's like you're in a blizzard hiding a gun. So all in all, everything's fine. Dude probably popped back in the house. I've never, I've. I've been at that house. I've stayed at that house. I've done stuff there. I've had people in it. Never once have you even had a sniff of trouble in that hood outside of that night. That dude started weed eating at 2am when I was over there. And I had no idea why that was going on. Maybe more goes on there than I know, but every time I've been there, peaceful. Here's the best part. My wacky bitch sister was on the phone with my dad while the rapist was telling his story. And my dad said he wasn't going to stay at my sister's house because he had this opportunity to stay at my place. It's open this week. So I said, yeah, you can just stay there. And he turned her down to stay there. And she's like a little.

[B]

This is why.

[A]

Well, yeah, she's. She's making up stories. She's horrible human being. So she, she said. So she's on the phone going, oh, like it was a win loss thing. And to me, yeah, very competitive. I'm like, crap. I'm like, the witch knows about this. And he goes, well, I was on the phone with your sister when that was going on. I'm like, oh, you're never going to hear the end of it about how I tried to set you up or get you killed or put you to stop it. Maybe she could have cast a spell on the guy, you know, I don't know. I'm thinking her witchcraft kind of came over and put some sort of bad juju on the hood. Or that full moon got some men's victory.

[B]

You're running around town on that full moon. Oh, I remember last night, going out in the front yard like the full moon. The Christmas lights look awesome.

[A]

Yeah, they're great. Oh, it's. Oh, trust me. I drove around, I saw a lot of Christmas lights last night. I was on sort of a dead friend Christmas light look about. And it was pretty nice going through neighborhoods like these lights. This Neighborhood's nice. I hope I don't front my friend's heads here. I did want to after we knew they were okay. Just for the sake of fun, go knock on the door and tell Kate, the young one, that I found their parents bodies and I need to take the dogs. What about me? You're good. You stay here. Nobody needs you.

[B]

You make a sandwich.

[A]

Yeah, go. Yeah, go make a sandwich and learn some woman stuff because you're gonna. You're gonna need it. You're on your own. Can I tell your daughter that I found you dead and like, good lord, no, no, please, please. You know, you guys can pop up behind me and like. Oh, like haunt. And I'll pretend I don't see you.

But. Yeah, you go through a lot. But the man. The scenarios were constant. But. Yeah, and it was. Again, let's go back to why this was happening. I didn't get a single call from a man. All women. And the dude that was knocking on.

[B]

The door, the daughter. They should have let her know they're going out to dinner.

[A]

I think they did.

[B]

She forgot.

[A]

No, they don't pay attention. Kids are dumb. They're dumb. She's in her bedroom on the phone with her boyfriend.

[B]

Yeah, she wasn't listening.

[A]

And at like 7:30, like, all right, Kate, we're gonna go out. And every Thursday is evidently, date night. They go out every Thursday night. That's even worse if it's. That's what I said. I didn't know that either. Like, it's date night. Everybody knows. We go have dinner on date night. We go get a dinner. And Thursdays are our night together. And they picked the greatest restaurant ever, Richardson's. Because evidently Richardson's has a throwback room where there's no technology and you can disappear. Yeah, well, who knew? So the 17 year old wanted chick fil a or something. And she's looking around. She's got a car, she's got money, she's got the ability to go. But she's calling mom and dad, like, hey, reload my card so I can go get chick fil A or doordash something. Suddenly she's the worst PI in the world. And. But it is weird that their phones went away. Like they're not answering. You know, as often as those kids or her, that teenage kids call their parents for absolutely no reason. And will you please get some Dan Holmberg in all of you. Every parent you, Brady, every parent, when your kids call, don't pick up and go, hi, sweetie. What is it? You pick up and go, if someone's not dead, I'm going to come home and kill you. Why are you bothering your daddy? That's how Dan used to answer the phone when I called him at work. Dad, if someone isn't dead, hang up the phone right now. Well, nobody. It's not. Is this an emergency? Well, go to tip. Nope, we're done. Click. I'm at work. You don't call me at work. You don't bother me when I'm out with friends. You just don't unless someone's dead. I'll get home and we'll deal with it. Cell phones changed everything. Oh, yeah, you stepped if. I swear to God, if a matriever drug a phone to my dad's table at a dinner for work. Sir, there's an emergency at your house. Oh, there better be. Pick up the phone. And I'm like. Or there will be. I want Chick fil A and I want it now. What's going on? Where are you? My dad would be like, are you sure you want Chick fil A? Because that's a good, good start for your last meal. You better. You should probably order some steaks because this is it. Never call me again. For a. For a meal you could make yourself. Dad, Dana's being a real dick. She won't let me watch my shows on the remote. Oh, okay. So now I have two people to kill. Okay, thank you. That's a good update. See ya.

Oh, my dad would murder me. Oh, mine would too. Murder me. But you people, this generation, letting their kids call them all the time for they're all Chicken Littles too. Everything's an emergency to them, and they're okay with it. Mark's okay with this. All parents are. They're all annoyingly okay with their kids bothering them. God, I'm not a parent. I know. High five.

[B]

I must be a lucky parent then.

[A]

She didn't call you. She calls Ronnie. You can't hear yourself. I've called you from the office.

[B]

Took 90 million.

[A]

I've called you from the office.

[B]

Angles traded.

[A]

So she gives me from the office. I've called you, and you don't see your phone ringing. That's why when I have to, sometimes I forget my keys. You occasionally. You'll get it. Most time I just sit in my car and wait for Toledo to show up. I ain't answering anything. Yeah, we've had you in the room. The things buzzing. We have to tell your phones your phone's ringing.

[B]

Only takes a couple of times and they stop calling.

[A]

We're on the microphone crossing the console and you don't hear us. I. I guarantee you that you aren't even thinking about it. You've been to dinner and hanging out and Ronnie's phone isn't. Kirby doesn't she needs like, you know, in and out or something? And they just called to say, when are you coming home? Like, what is wrong with you? When are you guys coming home? And none of your parents recognize. They're asking the same way we tell our wives. I'm like, where you at? I'm at store. I should be home about 15 minutes. Okay, bye. I have 15 minutes to do terrible things to myself. That's why. What time are you guys going to be home? And then their boyfriends can come over, squirt them, and leave before you even know they were there. And that's exactly what teenagers are doing. But every parent I know now, kids are different these days. They don't have sex. They don't? Nope. They call you and say, when are you coming home to get squirted in? And then you're gonna be a grandpa. That's basically what you. That's how you need to think. No, my kid doesn't drink or do drugs or have sex or boyfriend or anybody. They don't talk. And I'm like, okay, all right.

When it gets arrested for possession or has a baby in it, I wonder how that happened. Some miraculous Jesus thing, I guess.

And sure enough, Mark went home. And for comfort, Kate's boyfriend was there.

Oh, she was worried about your well being. So the boyfriend's in the house. Thank God for him. Thank God he was there to console her.

I'm like, she's 17. You remember Mark when you were 17.

[B]

They're not.

[A]

I tell them all the time. I'm like, I told Mark's oldest daughter, she goes, no, she's not. And I'm like, look, I'm like, she's a 17 year old girl. I knew your dad and your mom when they were 17.

Like they were into anal and stuff. That gene gets passed on. Your youngest sister is the crazy one. She puts out, oh, my God, that's so gross. She does not. Like they all. She's 17, she's got a boyfriend for a reason, not for companionship. They're kind of bubbling and boiling at this point. John holmberg's morning sickness. The 98 kupd. It's john holmberg from the morning sickness. And football season is in full swing. And Underdog is the best place to get in on all the action. Playing on Underdog is easy. Just pick whether your favorite player is going to go higher or lower on stats like rushing yards, receptions, touchdowns. This week I'm looking at my Steelers and I am selecting Darnell Washington to go higher than one touchdown and hoping that Lamar Jackson goes lower on rushing yards. Download the app today. Sign up with promo code HMS to score a hundred dollars in bonus entries when you play first $5 underdog make picks win money must be 18 plus 19 plus in Alabama and Nebraska, 19 plus in Colorado for some games, 21 plus in Arizona, Massachusetts and Virginia and present in a state where underdog fantasy operates. Terms apply the assets.underdogfantasy.com web play and getterms_dfs_.HTML for details. Offer not valid in Maryland, Michigan, New Jersey, New York, Ohio and Pennsylvania. Concerned with your play? Call 1-800-GAMBLER or visit www.ncpgambling.org In New York, call the 24.7Hope line at 1-877-8-HOPE NY or text Hope NY 467-369. It's Brett Vesely for Game Day Men's Health. Well, as a lot of you guys know, I had a ton of personal stuff to deal with lately, which means I wasn't even thinking about taking care of myself. Game Day Men's Health is the largest men's health clinic in the valley with 12 convenient locations. They know what us guys are going through and can get you started on a game plan of your own. They specialize in TRT treatment and they even offer other men's health solutions like HGH peptide treatment, medical weight loss and sexual health treatments. Check them out online@Gamedaymen's Health.com it's time to start taking care of yourself. And for guys, there's no better place to start than Game Day Men's Health. Holmberg's morning sickness. She's putting out. She's she's taking hoes. And the faster you people recognize that if you've got a daughter who's pretty, you do 17 and she's out with boys. There's old fashions going on. You have to know that as a parent, you can't keep saying you. I know my dad thought I was pretty simple.

[B]

John at my house. Yeah, keep it off my desk.

[A]

Yeah, just do your you'll know the day that you have to make that weird plan B decision with her and then never talk about it again. It's Gilbert's way. It's the way those crossroads no one will ever know. My kid Took hoes. No one. Jesus Christ. The only murder in Gilbert history was by teenagers. And the parents didn't. They covered that up. There's no talking in Gilbert about any of it.

[B]

Still hasn't been closed.

[A]

No, because the parents are like, not my talent. Yeah, he did it. We have it like on videotape. It could be any of them. I think that's why they all got together and said, let's name all our kids the same thing. And that way it'll get real confusing when they do something wrong. Well, between Braden Hayden and Talon, put.

[B]

A no on yours.

[A]

We'll put an E. We'll spell it a little different, just even. It's gonna further the confusion.

But yeah, your kids are hosing. They're dumb. And the, the only reason they're calling you to find out what time you come home and to make you stop off at Chick Fil A is so they can take more squirts. But all you guys think, ah, they just, they're just. They want. She got a car of her own. Didn't need to call you for anything.

I was 17. I never called. My. My dad was so. My dad was so on top of the fact already 17, he just wants to squirt on people. That's his. That's all this kid wants to do. And he was right. He thought so much of that. He's like, I don't even like you going out with boys. You're squirting on them, aren't you? He knew how a 17 year old boy's brain works. And somehow somewhere, everybody thinks that's different. Oh no, the statistics. The teens don't have sex anymore at all. They're liars. We lied too. They might not be having sex. That means they're just like me. They were trying and failing. They want to.

There's a reason why as an adult you say, yeah, I'm, you know, banging like a 17 year old. I had my friend just say that. I still think like, I'm 17. We all, we all want to squirt when we're that age.

[B]

And she'll love it too.

[A]

Exactly. We take. How much of we do it for game day. Men's health. And one of the cells on it is, you take this stuff, your boners are gonna be like one of the benefits. Back when you were 17, it's like, well, yeah, I remember that when I was trying to bone constantly. Every parent I talked to is like, no, our kids are different. No, they're not.

[B]

That's nice. As kids are checking up on them.

[A]

They're not checking up on anything. They're checking up on how long they have to take a squirt.

Can I take a mouth squirt or what? We've only got, like, 10 minutes. So try a mouth squirt. Otherwise I'm just gonna bend over. We've got. They don't care if you're dead. Mark even said that. He goes, this is weird. We're sitting outside his house. And he goes, I've literally come home and my daughter has said to me, hey, dad, where have you been? He's like, I've been out of town for three days. And he said, she didn't know I was gone tonight. She's calling every five minutes to see where I went. She wants to take a squirt. And I'm like, I know.

And she did, by the way. I'm positive of that.

This was like an episode of Curb youb Enthusiasm. Love it. It really was. My life is turning into Larry David stuff. I have to remind my friends. I'm like, you realize that kid in there, He's a nice boy, too. I've met the boyfriend. I like him a lot. Very nice kid. His goal every day is to squirt.

[C]

Well.

[A]

Yeah. And if he can make someone else help him, mine still is. I mean, I tell you what, it never goes away. Brett, I appreciate the honesty.

But, you know, it's insanity. No, they're in there. I remember I went to a friend's house years ago. I've told this story. And his parents were convinced that they had. All the kids went to church all the time, and they all played religion. And the oldest daughter was hot. And I mean hot. And her boyfriend would come over and they would literally have the nerve because the parents were so oblivious to ever wanting to think of the real thing bodies do, to look at each other and say, lance and I are going to go in my room and pray. Oh, you go, oh, that's. Oh, that's beautiful. I was at their house once, and I'm like, what did they say? And my buddy Chris is like, oh, they go in there and pray sometimes. I'm like, no, they don't. With that piece of ass. Your sister's hot. Shut up, dude. Mike, your sister's really hot. She's not in there praying. She's on her knees, but she's not praying. No, they wouldn't do that while my parents are home. Like, all right, you're an idiot. If Kurt Vesely was only that dumb when I was in school, Man. My dad would just swing the door open to my bedroom every once in a while to see if someone had snuck in the window. He'd be. And deep down, he hoped that his son. He would catch me with a girl because it would. It would squash all those things he was thinking about. I know he's gay. I know he's gay. I know he's gonna come on. And he'd spin that wheel of hope and crush my door. What the hell is this? Oh, I thought I heard somebody in here. It was me and the tv. Turn the TV down. The only reason my dad wanted my TV down in my bedroom is the hopes that he hear me with a girl in there.

[B]

I need my ruler back.

[A]

Yeah.

Said so. John is doing a new pornhub with the daughter, and the parents are dead, so get to action. That did not occur. That is not how this works. I haven't heard of yet. That is a good one. Dead parents. Orphan. Orphan.

[B]

Terrible news.

[A]

She's 18, and you got to break the news to her. That's actually pretty good porn. Now, these are technically my nephews and nieces, so let's knock that off right away. But still, that's a good scenario for porn. I can separate the two things. I'm sorry that the cop comes over. I'm sorry to tell you your parents were killed in a horrible accident. You're an orphan. What?

It's my 18th birthday. They died. I'm like, what? You're 18 today? Come in. Let's have a little hug.

[B]

No, I'm sorry.

[A]

That's just my nightstand. I'm sorry it's poking you in the leg. Let me take off these pants, get rid of all this equipment to make sure. That's probably the best idea. They were pretty mangled up. Oh, God. And the other thing I thought I was gonna find was Mark and Kristen in some sort of sex pretzel in a parking lot because his car is fairly recognizable. And I was like, okay, I'm gonna see them on date night with their phones off, doing terrible butt stuff in the back of that Lexus. Like, oh, this is.

[B]

No, never stopped.

[A]

Yeah, no, it doesn't. That. Well, look, that's why they have date night. They try to keep that alive so they can go home and squirt on each other. Their kids wanting to squirt there. Everybody wants to squirt.

What time are you coming home? Yeah, they love you. That's why they're calling. They just can't get enough. Can't get enough of you being at Home so they can ignore you there and yell at you and argue with you about everything. That's why if you've got a teenage kid and it's going out with anything of the opposite sex, your best bet is to assume squirting. And if you're not, you're being naive, too. Brady.

Keep it off my desk, everybody. That Kirby. Kirby has like a bunch of dude friends. He's like, tripp, keep it off my desk. I don't want to hear another thing about it. I know you don't, but your daughter's given hand jobs. That's what high school girls do.

[B]

That's her free time.

[A]

That's right. That's her free time. Is that what you're going with? All daughters get ectoplasm on their hands and try to wash it off before they come home and kiss you good night.

It's a fact. And when you were 17, that's the girl you were hoping to be with. And you're always trying to convince she's a nice girl. And she's a real nice girl when she's reaching over there giving you the handies. I'm telling you, it's not perversion. It's parental advice. All you guys are way too quick to say, nope, can't have that. The only reason your kids call you is because they want to know their timeline for being up to no good. That's it. They do not love you that much. No child loves their parents that much. They're oblivious. They're not smart enough to love you that much to care where you are at night. They like, when my parents were out, it was, okay, free for all. Don't break anything. And remember how it looks now, because we're going to have to put this back together when they come home. That's why we all related to Risky Business. It got way out of hand. And then his goal was to put the house back exactly as it was when they left and act like none of that ever happened. And he was in college.

[B]

Kirby has it so easy.

[A]

How's that?

[B]

Be home at 9 o' clock at night.

[A]

I'll be in bed. Yeah, yeah, she's out. Yeah, you don't know where she's going. She's out getting her weed and, you know, singing reggae down the street around a trash can that's on fire. Could be my mom and dad. They sleep all night.

Hey, man, I don't have anywhere to go. My dad sleeps like a log. He's attached to machines.

Yeah. And you're fine with that? Because you have to be. Because if you knew about it, you'd know deep down you've been neglectful of the whole. And you'll never ask her. It's like, hey, do you need protection when you go out? Do you need condoms? You. You would never.

[B]

You know, we just made it here. 17, come up on 18.

[A]

Still no kids, no pregnancies. Yeah.

[B]

Being smart about it.

[A]

Well, kids aren't the only thing that happened down there.

Just saying there's the aids, there's the herpes, there's the warts, there's all that stuff. Cervical cancer comes out of that. You got to worry about it all. Or let her have it.

[B]

Just no dealing out of the house.

[A]

Yep. You never know. Carpal tunnel. You never know what kind of old fashions are in and out. You were a teenager once. I was a teenager once. And I don't know why parents have kids and then think that theirs are going to be any different. I don't know. I don't get it.

[B]

Or try to prevent it.

[A]

You can prevent it, Dan. My dad. My dad did. My dad made me know that if anybody snuck in, there would be a beaten. There'd be something that was always where I can't ever sometimes he probably c blocked me pretty heavily with a couple of the. That would have actually climbed on this mess. But I was so afraid. I'm like, I can't do that. I can't do that. I can't do that.

[B]

I want to come over.

[A]

I'm going to sneak in your window there. Are your parents gone? They're gonna be gone for two hours. The one time I. I decided to breach this whole thing, I was 21 and I was at the house and I'm like, I'm gonna have people. My mom was out of town and my dad was on a hunting thing, a weekend hunting trip. And I'm like, I got the place to myself. There's going to be a party in this house. I've never done it. I've been holding back.

[B]

You're old enough.

[A]

I'm doing it. And yeah, and I'm old enough. I have. I know where the key is to the liquor cabinet. I. We're doing this. And I had Everybody come by. 15, 20 people. There was boxing on TV. We did a pay per view. We're going. And we're going. Watching the fight, I'm like, I can't believe this is happening. Turn to the guy next to me. What a great fight. Riddick bow. What a great fight. And I look to my left And I'm talking to my dad, and I'm like, when the hell did he get here? And he just goes, we'll talk. And that was it. Like, why are you here? They killed an elk the first day he drove home on Saturday.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

It was. Yeah, they all got one. It's like, well, we don't need to stay up here another day. So they left Saturday morning. I'm standing there watching Riddick Bowe.

[B]

How's the talk?

[A]

The next day, it was pretty okay, actually. He. He ended up. And I think my dad was deep down 17. There were some hot chicks there from Tony Romans, and I think he had. I think he had a fun time.

[B]

You were responsible.

[A]

Nope. We got everybody right out. Once I realized that. Dan. There's a dude in camouflage next to me. And he stunk. He'd been in the woods for days. And I just turned my head. Jesus, Riddick. BO Is killing us. You believe this? I'm like, christ. That's my dad and my friend James Pearman, who was a thief and criminal standing next to me. He goes, who's that? Like, that's my dad. Everyone out. And he goes, oh. Because James was, like, 25. He just thought it was funny. Like, yeah, this is no good. Everybody pick up your bottles and go. We had food all over, liquor bottles everywhere. It would have been an easy cleanup, but I didn't know he was gonna be there. We'll talk. He just finished watching the fight and like, oh, I'm gonna get killed.

No. There was no sleeping ever again. Until, yeah, I'm not staying here. In fact, that was. I went over to my girlfriend's house and so stayed there that night because her dad was a firefighter. So she. She. And trust me, her dad was a firefighter. And the reason she left living with her mom is because dad was gone for 48 hours at a time. She was putting. She was you. She was basically hollowed out by the time I got there. She was 18, 19. And that she had been through it all because she had two days at a time to knowing that no one was home. You. And she never called her dad for chick fil A. She had dudes dropping it off.

And I liked her a lot. But you know why? It was easy to squirt. It was. And it was 48 hours at a time. We could squirt any. Any room in the house.

He says. Some parental advice here from David Vasquez. Oh, this would be good. Yeah. If your daughter's been out on a date with her boyfriend, never Let her kiss you good night. Unless you want boyfriend junk on your face.

Make her wash her face before bed.

That's right. If Kirby's out with the boys and goes, well, man, I think I'm gonna turn in a little early. Earlier than me. The sun's still up. You go in that bathroom and you make her wash her face in front of you before she comes out. Good night, dad.

Otherwise you've got Talon. Talon. Braden, Kaden, mayonnaise on your mouth. It's what they do.

You're so naive.

It was. My whole night was Larry David night. It was insanity. Looking for my dead friends. My dad's got some rapist at the doorstep, bananas. But it's okay. Everything is okay. Everyone's alive. As far as I know. Their daughter isn't pregnant. Everything's fine. I just came over.

[B]

No lost phones.

[A]

Yeah, I just came over here to make sure that Kate was okay. So. Yeah. You're a humble and lovable young man. Thank you, Mason. Everyone out. I just wanted to make sure my girl was. She was pretty emotional. Yeah. Get used to it. That she's a woman. The full moon made her menstruation cycle maker crazy. And her sister got involved, and then everyone got involved. The two girls across the street from my dad, where he's staying, accused the guy that lives there of raping him. The moon got their menstrual cycle. Emotional, crazy. Dan's out with a hunting rifle. My dad's standing front yard with a.308 ready to kill the first guy that comes to ringing the. I feel so sorry for all those roofing guys that go through that neighborhood because they're getting. They're taking a.308 to the face.

This is. This is a nice house.

Not today, buddy. Not today. Oh, my God. I just wanted to say you've got some tiles that are crawling and any roof needs some more. Goodbye. Nobody raped nobody. What the hell's he talking about?

[B]

He'll have that block straightened out.

[A]

Yeah, no, that thing's gonna. Every lawn's getting mowed today. That thing's gonna. All right, get out there, mow the goddamn grass. Place looks like garbage. He actually mentioned that when he played. We pulled up, we looked. This is a really nice neighborhood. Everybody's lawns are mowed. I'm like, that's. It's still on his mind all the time that the lawn needs mowing.

[B]

You notice things like that.

[A]

Oh, and he came home in the wintertime because the sun goes down at like 5. My dad would come home at like, 5, 30, and he couldn't see the grass. And I, you know, I got home from school at like, 4, and he'd be like, jammo. The grass. I'm like, I mowed it yesterday. Oh, we should get on that tomorrow. Like, what?

[B]

Tiff?

[A]

That's tiff. Tiff. Tiff Mower. He needed that thing every day. If he didn't see it, he would. It was on his mind to get to the line. Did you get the hedges? No, I didn't. You gotta trim those goddamn hedges. Are we at a contest? Are you going for Better Homes and Gardens? I'll get to it. Don't smart off to me. Give me your keys. I don't have a car. Give them to me anyway. Give me your future keys. When you turn 16, the first month you're 16, you don't have a car. I'm 12.

[B]

One of the hedges is a swan. It looks a little.

[A]

I get it trimmed up. I would go. And occasionally one of the hedges was lower than the other, and I had to meticulously, kind of even that out, level it out. And if I dipped it, he goes, yeah. You hit the dip. The dip. It looks terrible. That's going to be a month before that's normal again. We better move next day. Did you trim the hedges? Yeah. You yelled at me yesterday that I overdid it. Oh, yeah. Should probably get on that tomorrow. Well, Christ on a crutch, what are we doing?

He'd come home sometimes and flip on the back patio light. I know he wasn't just, you know, thinking about his day. He's looking at the lawn. Did he do it? Did this kid do anything today? God damn it.

[B]

He knew.

[A]

And he sees that at the rental house and at my house, there's a. You know, the turf monsters thing is very real. I like it a lot. But there's some psychological reasons why I've turfed everything. There's a reason I can't look at blades of grass that are out of place and not think that Dan's gonna shoot over from Texas and go, what's going on here? Did you call Al over to the house before. Before Dan got there? It's. I knew it. You should see it. The hop seed bushes are perfect. It's like Disneyland right now. You got some grass growing through your hop. He'll see the thing I see, which is there's.

[B]

And he feels like, mission accomplished.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Oh, he's learned. Look, the slave Spike and his little kid. Yeah, that's my boy. Oh, I taught him That I don't think he likes the turf. I think he sees it as lazy. I think he respects the look. He likes the way it looks. But if it's for someone else, I did it because of you. You did this to me. You made me a turf monster.

I'm grateful. It looks good all year long. Yeah, but you don't do any work on it. How do you feel about you? I just want to squirt.

[B]

You need to go over there today in full camo. What's up, dad?

[A]

He'll shoot me. Are you crazy? Walk around like a veteran. No, I'm not. We're not gonna have a fight. I don't want to kill him, but he will shoot me.

[B]

Impressed?

[A]

No. He won't know me enough. He'll see me walk down the street and I'll take a boat. 308. He's good. From a thousand yards, he wouldn't even get a look at my eyes before I drop. I'd be at the circle K in the camo. Dan would drop me like a bad habit. That's a little too close for comfort, for my taste. I need a quarter mile. This kid.

[B]

Ouch.

[A]

What was that? He looks. I had a rapist at the house, but it was those girls across the street. That dude lives there. And suddenly they're saying he raped her. And the cops came by. My dad talked to the cops. I had little bits of it on the ring camera of him going, I don't want to get involved. And he was right as he's knocking on the window, asking me to come, like, call the cops. He said, I think you wanted in the house. And the cops, like, you did the right thing. And he's. Evidently, the dude just had to leave last night and go somewhere else. It's a domestic violence thing. And he'll come back.

It's crazy. So, yeah, I think it was the Bo holyfield fan man fight that my dad was hunting and came back. I was like 21 or 22. And that was the party we had. And great night. Epic. Unforgettable for almost everybody who watched it. Especially for me, because dad showed up out of nowhere, and he wasn't supposed to be home till the next day. And I took one chance in my life with their house. 1. And the only time I did it, he showed up 30 hours early. We didn't have cell phones, so I could call Dan and go, hey, how's hunting going? Because that's the only. Oh, you care about me. Yeah, I just want to make sure everything's going well now we got this. And he would have gone, what are you up to? Nothing. Ah, I'm on my way.

So just know that your 17 year old kid is not good. There's a whole reason. It can't be. It can't vote for a reason. We collectively as a union have said they just make terrible choices. Don't let them make any choices till they're 18. And even then, they still can't rent a car for seven years. We're not giving them any vehicles, you know, without legal liabilities being placed firmly on their parents not doing it. Did somebody pass down a beer during that fight or anything? I mean, he was drinking something. Okay. I think he went through the whole house a couple of times before he just stood next to me. I was in the fight, man. I was watching that thing. I did not hear that. You know, there's 30, 25, 30 people in there dinging around. We're all kind of gathered around the tv. It wasn't the days with big screens either. We had like a 42 inch console on the ground, you know, couches, how.

[B]

Long you were oblivious.

[A]

And he just walked through. I think he made himself a pop. He looked around, goes, I got a boy to kill. I just gotta wait for these people to leave. A lot of witnesses.

And then as everyone's leaving, there's this bleeding beast in the back of his truck with a head hanging off the side. Boy, help me out. Wrapped in plastic. And I'll say it was like, yeah, help me dress this thing. No.

I gotta clean up all the bottles. We'll talk. Let's get a wake up song, shall we? 585-9800 A good one and we'll scream it together. It's 98 KUPD. Wake up. Arizona's most powerful, powerful rock radio station.

Men, if you're over the age of.

[B]

50, go ahead and ask ChatGPT about what you face as you age. It's Dick Toledo from Hobart's morning sickness.

[A]

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[B]

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[A]

Gamedaymenshealth.Com and schedule a free consultation now at one of their 12 valley locations.

[B]

They'll formulate a plan to keep you in the game.

[A]

And there's a game day location near you, so get started today and book that free [e-mail] you thought that was funny?

You were laughing like a hyena when he said it. What the hell is wrong with you?

Is they dumb? There you go. Thank you. Miles to nowhere. Katie and the Hobbs out there and doing their thing. I wanted to say, listen to this. LeBron James. Remember he talked about it yesterday. A guy says, how is it, you Jewish wizard?

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

You can speak about LeBron's 10 point streak in games, and the same day you bring it up, it ends. First, you work your Jew magic into taking money to go to Holmberg's After Dark. And I bribed you on the air to see Brett's videos.

But this bribe you want your Jew that won't take bribe money. Then you cast a Jew spell that I can only explain is Jew Witchcraft. A LeBron streak. You go in there tomorrow, will you please say something? Just make it happy and put money on it. I will follow you blindly. John Holberg endorses this. Take that money. The way things are going in the world, it's probably best interest to follow this Jew. Once again, good job, Jew. You've used the word Jew in an email More than. More than Hitler. I'm impressed. See you on the 12th at happy ending. Zach. It's true. I did. I brought up LeBron's streak yesterday of 1300 games in a row back.

[B]

Everyone called him out on it, and he's like, oh, I'm not.

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

I'll show them. I'm not protecting records.

[A]

Nobody called him out on it. We were the only ones that brought it up. Obama administration was the first time he scored 10 points. And he's done it every game he's played up till yesterday when I brought it up and said against the Suns, it was threatened. And he took the game into his own hands and didn't care about the team anymore. He had to get to 10.

[B]

He was listening.

[A]

He had to get to 10. Well, whether he was listening or not, Drew Magic won again.

If I was a point guard, that'd be my nickname. Drew magic. Nobody calls LeBron out on that. Nobody looks at him and goes, what a selfish jackass. Because that's exactly what that was. His team was down like 17. And instead of thinking, all right, let's do what's best for the team, he's hucking up terrible shots to try to get off the four or six he was sitting on to get to 10 points. Cause LeBron knew my streak's in jeopardy, and it ended last night. And I, for one, am thrilled. Never liked LeBron. You know why? I don't have to like LeBron. He likes himself enough for everybody. Oh, nice guy. No other athlete has ever stood up with a serious face and said, I'm the greatest of all time. I mean, what the hell did you just say?

[B]

It.

[A]

You're not allowed to say that. Then his wife standing next to him at the ESPYs. And. Yeah, it's not debatable. He's the greatest of all time. I said it like, all right, family of insecurity. You're screaming on stage that you're the best at everything. Sh. I'm gonna take my talents to South Beach. You just did an hour special to tell us where you're moving. Shut up.

He's. He's. He's the least consequential greatest player in a sport ever. He didn't change the game at all. Steph Curry has a better argument of being a goat than LeBron James. He's amazing. I saw him do anything special.

[B]

Kareem Abdul Jabbar, talk about that. What makes the definition of a goat.

[A]

You change the game.

[B]

Yeah. And that's.

[A]

You make everyone adapt.

[B]

Talk about three players that were in the argument.

[A]

Him, he said.

[B]

I.

[A]

Him. Jordan.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Yeah, he, Jordan. And. Well, because he was the first center that could move with the ball. Him, Jordan, Steph Curry, and to a certain degree, there was a couple other guys. Dr. J's in argument because he made the aerial attack different. It was all. But LeBron's not. He's just really. He's just a really good version of a basketball player. He's excellent, actually. Top notch. Kobe didn't change the game. He was great, too.

[B]

Wilt changed the game.

[A]

Wilt completely changed. Nobody talks about Wilt, but the difference is he can't be considered greatest of all time because he was just 20 years ahead of his time. There was nobody playing basketball his size or anything else. He, he, he's in the argument of, like, that he's. He's top three of all time greats. It's like Pippin says about Jordan. He says, if you're the goat, you don't need to call yourself the goat. Say it. You. You just. You are your peers and everybody else knows you are. And LeBron's the all time scoring champion, and that's good for him. But he played 40 years and he played with the three point line and pass. Kareem. Kareem had one three pointer his whole career. One. LeBron's. Almost a ton of his points are coming from that and plus they changed to his own defense. And there's a lot more fouling. They didn't blow whistles back when Kareem played, he got his ass kicked constantly.

[B]

He said the other thing was shopping around. He's like, where did the championships happen? The goat championships happened with the same. You could plug people in the team. Yeah, but it was the same team. He's like, he kind of shopped around.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

For the championship, which the game has changed.

[A]

That's changed a little bit. Yeah, he, he, he moved out. The NBA moved him. They didn't want him. Cleveland, that's a market. They were like, we could do without that. I mean, if I was, if I was running America, I would subtly and passive aggressively tell all of our enemies that Cleveland is the greatest city in the world. Like, I'd be over. There was Xi Jinping. If I was Trump and be like, just so long as you guys leave Cleveland alone. That's the only thing. I mean, bomb the rest of them. We don't want to get into war, but Cleveland is our. It's our heart. It's the hub. It's where we hide all the gold. And then when China's like, oh, they had a golden Cleveland. Where Cleveland. And then they'd blow up Cleveland and be like, they did our work for us. Blowing up Cleveland would be a gift to the United States.

We just can't do it ourselves. We just encourage other nations, like Putin. Like, I don't want to tell you, but New York City is on the line. New York's being run by one of yours now, Commie. We don't care. Blow it up. Just stay out of Cleveland. Please, Vladimir, I beg you. Don't get. It's like telling a kid, don't look in this drawer. Just don't do it. It's not important. In fact, just leave it alone. It's a dumb drawer. I gotta look in that drawer.

By the way, I had a friend who used to do the job. He's advanced further. I used to box with him long time ago. And he became a one of those guards down there at the county prison intake and basically used to always tell me stories. Like, I didn't know that you go to county jail and you get the full naked inspection. Not always, but there's a lot of people who, you know, drug guys. They've bend him over and, and he's. Yeah. And his name was Zach. And Zach used to tell me, yeah, I had to. I'd get the load. There was three new guys and I Like, this guy's got stuff in his butt. Like, rookie. Yep. Get out there. And one of the three new guys would have to go finger some drugs out of a dude's bottom and check cracks and stuff. Flashlights. And I used to tell him all the time, like, what's the worst part of that? Like, there's a. It's already bad to all of us, but there's. For the person actually in it, the details of what the worst part of that must be. And he goes, they're never clean. And he goes, it's almost like, okay, I gotta check a guy's ass. Gross. But maybe if it was, like, right now and you had to check my ass, you'd be like, that wasn't so bad. But if I have, because I'm clean, right? So just the idea of checking my ass is bad. If you compound it with, oh, he's taken 12 dumps and he hasn't showered once. And there, it's just a sea of, like, it looks like mud on the bottom of a shoe. The next day it's all dried up, and you got to work your finger through that and the. And the. The thatchet of hair. And you hear that noise with your glove as you rip through the dried mud hair and you finger out the fentanyl or whatever. So he's doing that. Brady talked about it. The guy who swallowed the Faberge egg yesterday. Yeah, they got it.

[B]

Finally passed it six days later.

[A]

They had to check this guy's butt constantly for six days. He had a guy assigned to him when he took dumps. He wasn't allowed a toilet. He had a bucket. And the dude had to go through the bucket and then check him again to see if it was hanging by the edge there or if he put it back. So as far as I know, the.

[B]

Comments was, does that. Does resale value on that?

[A]

Does it go up? I think would go up. It's been through something. It's a legendary Faberge egg. Now, it got eaten, but it took him six days to pass it. And they're filling with coffee and, you know, laxatives, encouraging the feces, encouraging the shots, and it wouldn't come out for six days. So think about that. This dude's job was to go get the egg out of the poop. The first day of sifting through, and you don't find anything. You're like, oh, you gotta wait for this dude to do it again. You go through another load. Nothing. You go home to your family. Good night, honey. How was your day? I don't want to talk about it. Time to go in tomorrow, 6am.

Alarm goes off. Drive back. There's two buckets waiting for you. Go through that one. Nothing. Fourth one, nothing. Go home. Night, honey. How was your day? Don't want to talk about it. Time to go to work. 6:00am Day three, few more buckets, nothing. Night, honey. How's your day? Shut up. 6:00am Goes back. Fourth day. This goes on for six days, guys.

[B]

Like I've eaten a pound of X.

[A]

I don't feel bad for him at all. Faberge egg dude. Why didn't they cut him open? If you swallow. Jules. Two days of some poor saps job sifting through your poop ends and is the. All right, we're going in for it.

[B]

6. Who's going to pay for it?

[A]

Who cares? The guy sifting through the feces will going to use my insurance. Put them on my insurance. It's New Zealand. They have. They have socialized medicine. Everybody's covered.

[B]

Good point.

[A]

He's a prisoner here. They're covered. We paid for it. You chop him open and you save the life of that poor guy who's got a family and kids. And then he's got, you know, oh, six days. That means there probably was a weekend in the middle of that. Like Thursday, Friday. And then he gets a couple days off place park with the kids. Then goes right back Monday into this and just sifted. No corn.

Turkey, beef stick, lamb.

[B]

A lot of lambs.

[A]

No jewels. Yeah, they're eating a lot of that. Whatever Frodo ate, he ate.

[B]

Lamb is bread.

[A]

It's like orc. Orc meat. Probably a couple of orcs ferry. And he's just sitting there. Go my jewels Today. Walks back up New Zealand. If to go sift through the again. See you boys.

[B]

Years ago at the Diamondbacks, there's one of the officers that worked the games, worked in the prison and he told a story about. There's one guy in the cell block that was the boy toy for the crew. And he got drilled so often and so bad, you'd walk into the cell area, the D block or whatever it was.

[A]

Oh yeah.

[B]

And it smelled.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The guy had an infection so bad, but he wasn't getting it treated.

[A]

Remember, it was called.

[B]

He called it gungaria.

[A]

Oh. It's just from getting bungled so much that your body just starts emitting a scent like anal glands on a dog. Like he. Fix it. Fix it.

[B]

Smell it the minute you open that.

[A]

Because it was dirty. You know why? Because it was getting, you know, squirts and no cleanings. He's just full all the time. They were hollowing them out like a log. Oh, and leaving stuff in there, like, you know, Boo Radley in the tree.

[B]

Kept going. It's so soft.

[A]

Little carvings in the notch. It was a tree notch. You could live. You leave gifts for Scout and gem.

Literary references. Yeah, well, my dad built that I'm in prison complex. They gave him a tour of the worst section, which is like, Section five or what, I don't know what's called. And they had some dude named Malibu Bob or something like that. He was a massive murderer, and they constantly had him, like, chained to his bed because he could make a shiv out of a mattress. I was a beast. Wasn't allowed to have anything. I don't remember his name, but he'd kill everybody if you just looked at him wrong.

[B]

I like Malibu.

[A]

And my dad was up there. It's kind of a less intimidating name for a terrible, terrible person. But it was the death row group, and then they were up in this high insecure. And my dad said that while he was there, there was a dude that ran around. He dyed his underwear, like, this weird pink. And he would lean up against the bars and let the guys have at him until the guards got him. Oh.

Like, he was twinking around. And he would lean bar to bar and, like, let a. And dudes would tank him for super, super gay. So he was. He was. That's how he avoided being in fights all the time. He's like, I better just give up my ass.

[B]

Nobody touches him.

[A]

He became, like, the. The. The town. And he was allowed to roam free and, like, give up library books or whatever. And he would lean his ass up against the bars.

And then they'd send him on his way.

That's the only reason I don't commit crimes. I want to. I would love to steal and do all sorts of terrible things. The ass play. Oh, my God. Just seeing that asp. I would have to be Malibu Bob's twink baby, because I'm not. I'm not joining a gang and fighting every day.

[B]

I got you under my wing.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. I'd be someone's.

I've never understood that either, you know, beat up the biggest guy or become someone's bitch. I'm like, that seems easy, because there's a chance the biggest guy's gonna beat me up and make me his bitch anyway.

Not fighting the biggest guy at a prison. That's dumb.

This ass is currency in there, and I'm gonna Use it. But that's the reason I don't commit crimes. The reason? Fear of prison behavior. No, thanks. And it's the bad guy stuff. You know, you get in there for like a DUI or whatever. You can just sit in this. Now, prison's not so bad. You're not in prison. You're in jail. You go to that place over in Florence and you sit in the high level sections where all the worst of the worst are.

[B]

You're in a new city.

[A]

Yeah. You're here in a new planet.

I remember Malibu Bill or Bob. And every time they'd leave him to his own devices, he could carve out a shiv in like a second. Figured out like he's using parts of the bed. He'd just scrape off a little melon, just stab some dude in the throat. It's like, where did Malibu Bob get that thing? He was. He was gonna. I don't know if he's been murdered yet, but he was on the row. But he was in their new. You know, that complex when they built. It was the high end super prison. And they had like. Everything was monitored electric and whatever. But they let that twink run around and keep these guys at bay. Just shove his ass up against the rails.

I would laugh for hours if that was about sitting in my cell and just a butthole appeared on the. On the wall. What's this? Want some? Good lord, no.

[B]

You'd get in there.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're delivering books.

[A]

Well, then about. About six months later, I'd realize, nobody ever beats that twink up. What's he doing? Different than me because I'm bruised up every day.

I go, well, if I'm going to be here for the rest of my life, I might as well make the adaption.

My ass will be up against that thing for the first day. Those cold bars on my cheeks, just waiting. You'd be one of the sisters that'd be. I'm just waiting. Well, this is the new life I've done for myself.

[B]

Here's your go, dog. Go.

[A]

No, I go. I go full Epstein. It'd be two days before those sheets became a rope. There'd be no way they'd let me have shoelaces if I went to jail. Because I would be hanging from them. I'd be. And I'd probably fail at that. I'd mess that up, too. But no question, I would be the. The prison bar whore. There's no possible way I'm. They see me out there with those skinheads. I like Mexican people. I Think they're fun. I want to get in there and start stabbing people and beating them up. Just because I'm. Get your teardrop tattoo. I'd have a tattoo of teardrops coming out of my anus because it would be the most damaged thing in there. It would. It is up for grabs in jail. Holmberg's morning sickness. The 98 KUPD. Holmberg's morning sickness for life or prison. No, I'm not gonna do it. Like, you know, if I'm there for two days for something, I'm not gonna be. But if they're like, all right, you know, I'd say, I don't know what it'd be like.

[B]

Just when you think you got out of it because you're. You're the twinkle.

[A]

Yep.

[B]

You get into fights with other twinks now.

[A]

Okay, I'll handle that. I could beat up KDKB all day long. That's fine. KDKB of prison. That's a funny fight anyway. And I'm not a real one, but I would use it anyway. 400 month sentence. Wow.

Better start getting something. Do they? Yeah, exactly.

Do you have anything to say, prisoner?

What the hell? You just spit this hand. Let's get to work, boys.

Yep.

[B]

Build friendships.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. I'm building friends. Building whatever I can. So my brother was in prison for a year too many DUIs back in New York. And there was a big guy in there named McGilla used to pull his big old wiener out and smash it on the bars, between the bars. And that was enough of a reason to keep me out of jail. Yeah, I don't know.

That scares me to death. The guy you're talking about was Malibu Bob. Robert Cormer Comer. There was another name. Oh, that's the guy. Banzai Bob. I knew about Malibu. Banzai Bob was the bad guy. That was the really bad. Then there was Malibu Bob. I guess he was just a surfer who got in some trouble or something, but Bonsai Bob, that was his name. Thanks, Cranston. That was the dude. Everybody was like, he'll kill everybody. He can't even look at him. Just like you got a mattress and that was it. In his room, he had a mattress on the ground, and he figured out a way to make the mattress parts into a thing and like hardened an edge and stabbed it with a chunk of mattress that he figured out how to harden. And he made the tags. God knows what he was using to make that hardening stuff. He was the one, I think, that they told everybody, like, you Got to be careful because he'll take his own bodily fluids and. And dip his shiv into that. Whether he had, like, some poison or not. I didn't know. Yeah, but it would, like, make you sick. Like, you'd put poop on the end and then wait for that to get hard and suck it to a fine point and then jab it in later. I don't know how it worked, Brady. They make drinks out of their pee. I don't know what. Those guys are ingenious.

[C]

Genius.

[A]

Banzai, Bob. That was the dude. Oh. Cause he carved. That's right. He misspelled and carved his name into an inmate that he killed. He did get executed, people. Everybody remembers him. That's on him. Malibu. Malibu Bob was another dude they talked about. Malibu Bob might have been the twink everybody was hosing. Bonsai Bob was the bad guy. That's right. My dad said he's walking through with the ward, and he's like, that's Bonjour, Bob. And they peek in the little thing. He's just sitting in there on a mattress. No toilet, no nothing. He wasn't allowed to have anything. It's like when he had to poop, he had to bang on the door and go, I gotta poop. You've lost your rights for that. We gotta cuff him up, chain him up. And then he'd go stand over a drain or something. And then just drop a bomb. And they'd hose him off, put him back in his mattress room. So, like, Cannibal Lecter type style. Very. Yeah. Yeah. Evidently they did get him. But evidently that. That dude was. And again.

I don't understand that brain. And I don't want to be anywhere near it. And that's why we have those people zoos over there in Florence. I do think that there is a missed opportunity financially to have people just go in there and walk around. Because, I mean, imagine the money you could make. They do it at the zoo and essentially correctional institutes. Well, the zoo is. They're not correcting anything. The zoo is in. You can't put them back into the wild. Most of the time in that area, you can't do it. You give the lifers are people zoo forever. So it's just like going to the zoo.

[B]

Or is it like Denmark or somewhere where they're just.

[A]

Sweden gives you an apartment. But that's not for lifers. The. The people who do terrible, terrible things. And those countries are also treated pretty poorly. They get. They send them to France, which is the worst prisons. And nobody knows about that. But the zoos over here, they're not putting those animals back in the wild, but they kind of pretend. So if you went up to that girl prison and you know that on the plaque outside their cell, Jodi Arias, and here's what she did, you and your family could have a day looking at them and seeing them in their natural habitats and kind of walking through. I think it would be great. People zoo. You could raise some money, pay for everything.

[B]

Be great if you, you know, pay extra for meet and greets.

[A]

Well, yeah, well, you feed them like you like to throw pumpkins at the hippos that are, that are in.

[B]

Pet them.

[A]

Yeah, they're jailed hippos. Those hippos are. They feel like they've been incarcerated. They're like, I don't know what we did, but now we've got boundaries and walls and rules and feeding times and all that. And then some big dude in a blue shirt comes and chucks a pumpkin at me. I've never had pumpkin before I got here. It's the same as ostrich meat. They just give you food you've never had before. Same deal. You feed them, you get the feed. You can feed Jodi Aries, you just throw burger meat at her and stuff. She scrounges around for it. I think it would be fun.

[B]

It starts booming. Then you could just take prisons and start pairing them up and we want to mate this prisoner with this one.

[A]

And then we don't have a population issue. The second we do, we would like some reason that the zoos feel like they have to start doing that captivity beasts to keep the prison. Prisons are fine. Plenty of new volunteers.

But I say we build the prisons with a whole viewing deck of the yard. Like, oh look, there's Jodi Arias. And the people who are really up on things can start spotting the celebrity prisoners. What did that one do? That one's super fast. And then you look in your, your program and you find inmate 457. Oh, you have the little self guided tour with the headphones and everything else on. You're standing outside of cell 457. Inside there is a person who used to masturbate on the victims. They killed the hollow out killer.

[B]

Bonsai Bob.

[A]

There's Bonsai Bob. Keep your distance, kids. Bonsai Bob will carve his name into your back.

The whole crowd does that noise. Oh, and then Bonsai Bob drops a deuce on the ground and chucks it at the people like, like one of the gorillas.

Or like when my dad and I saw that baboon look like John Travolta at the Albuquerque Zoo. And he started to beat off in front of us. We were like. We were like a foot from him. He's just sitting on the other side of that cage. My little face was right next to what he was about to. He could have unloaded right on me. He just started tugging that thing rat like, pulled it twice and just stretched out like Laffy Taffy. Way out.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

My dad just started laughing and then he just started tugging fast like, okay, let's go. I was face to baboon wang. But yeah, I think this prison idea's got something to it.

All right. Trans listener Aiden says gay guys and transsexuals in prison are always getting quote it. They'd be the ones that get in the most trouble as well. Cos always tell the trans they need to wear a bra because some had breast work done. They had a small group of guys that would feel them up. I'd have breasts put in after I went to prison. I wouldn't get a prison tat. I'd get a prison boob job. I worked in a federal prison in Florence for a couple years. Trans guy Aiden, you were a trans guy working in a prison. Aiden, tell me some stories about that. No way. You didn't hose some of the dudes.

No way.

Before or after the like. Oh, I gotta know the Aiden needs. Aiden is in the running for listener of the year for our show. Man, oh man. But I think we're gonna give it to the deaf guy. He'll just sit up on the stage and stare at us. That's all he can do.

Crazy. Last year we had the blind guy. All he could do is sit up there and we faced him the wrong way and stuff and he didn't know where he was.

[B]

He had a blast.

[A]

He had a good time. And you'd hear him laughing every once in a while, just staring at the wall, laughing. It was a very funny visual. That was a couple years ago, but I like that one a lot.

Anyway, don't go to jail. Do what you can to stay out. It's not a proud thing for sure.

By the way, my dad just texted me the guy that was banging on the door that said he was accused of rape. Everything's okay. My dad gave him six pound of frozen venison. So we're. We're all right. The only reason cures all. The only reason I'm convinced. The only reason my dad drove here from Texas to load load that Freezer with venison and then call me. The last days here. Go. I left you a little something at the place. Oh, did you? And I got to go over there and figure out what to do with four or five hundred pounds of elk meat.

I'll eat some of it, but I don't know what he expects me to do with all that. Brady will get some. I'll hand some out. Maybe we'll make a gift. Try some. Yeah, I'll give you.

And make night elk meat. That's the weirdest thing. Here's some elk meat. What'd you do? Did you kill this? No, I found it in a freezer. My dad drove it over here from Texas. I know he's got some of that stuff in there. I ain't dumb. I'm wise to the ways of Dan. Typical Jew giving out free gifts. Why? Well, that's not a Jew. I should charge you. That's my sweetest side coming out. Well, it was a free. Oh, re. Gifted. Yes. Yeah, that is kind of a typical. All right. He's not wrong. I see now, see, I even fought it. All right, what do you got of the big board of musical treats? Wake Up Song brought to you by Action Ride Shop. Don't forget, right now, Josh and the boys are running 20 off all beach cruisers that are in stock at both locations. And you can check them out over there at the brand new location on Power Road and McDowell. And of course, the OG store at Gilbert Road and Southern. Plus Gilbert Road. Southern's got all your gear to get you up north and go hitting the slopes, boarding, skiing, whatever you're gonna do, they got it for you. Actionrideshop.com. somebody points out, it's like, this is a good idea. They give tours of Alcatraz. People go to a prison that's empty. Imagine if it was chock full of prisoners.

[B]

When we did that tour at Alcatraz, we met a guy, he had a book out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And he was there for 25 years.

[A]

Yeah. That dude stands outside and makes you sign his book. And then they have like two or three that.

[B]

I wanted the rotation where you can meet him. And a lot of people didn't even know.

[A]

He's just sitting at the table, hanging out, selling his book. I wanted to go into the. When I did that tour, and it's a. It's cool. I wanted to go to the warden's house. They don't give you a tour of that.

[B]

You walk on the. You walk around the outskirts.

[A]

You don't get to go In. I want to see how that guy was living. Because you got to think, well, you saw the.

[B]

When we were there, they showed pictures of the setup. It was.

[A]

I wanted it. I wanted it. I saw pictures of Alcatraz, too, and I went there to go inside of it. I don't want pictures if I'm standing next to it. Let me in. You know, as. I was kind of disappointed at the Universal Studios tour when we went down Beaver Cleaver Street. And I'm like, cool, can we go in? It's like. It's just a facade. I'm like, this is a joke. Where's the set? How come I don't walk into Beaver's house? No, no, Just look at the outside and keep driving. Jeannie's house was right across the street. The whole thing was like, 40 different places with the psycho house. Let's go in there. It's just a face. No. Can we go in the Bates Motel? No, they're filming something in there. I'm like, well, let me in there. No, this is garbage. I just get to bus ride through this. I can do this on the Internet. But, yeah, the prison stuff. I wanted to go into the warden's house because I thought he deserved a mansion, like he should, because, you think about it, he's got no grocery store, no Circle K, no quick rundown to the. Wherever he wants to go. He can't get lottery tickets.

[B]

It wasn't small.

[A]

It was nice, but it wasn't what it should be. He lived on an island with hundreds of murderers. You got to treat that guy like he's king.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And you know, he has to do.

[B]

A good job for supplies.

[A]

Yeah. You got to get on the boat if you ever needed anything. And I go to the boat. Right? Or you walk over to work again. There's work looming in your backyard every day. And your kids were there, and they had to play in the backyard.

[B]

Mini school.

[A]

Yeah, they had that weird little school for all the employees. And then you had to walk over to the kitchen at Alcatraz and eat more slop. They didn't have any good food.

Grab some candy. Over at the Alcatraz, I mean, you couldn't have a whim. You couldn't need a pizza. Domino's isn't delivering. Not in 30 minutes or less. No, it's got to get in that ferry. It's going to take forever. Best part of the trip to Alcatraz is that ride over. It's beautiful. It's gorgeous. San Francisco sucks balls in every direction. You can Imagine. Literally and figuratively. But that boat ride, the view of it is stunning. When you're not in it and you can see it, it's gorgeous. But when you're inside of it, it's like intestines. It would be like if you cut open Margot Robbie from a distance, you're like, this is the prettiest thing I've ever seen. But when you're on the streets of San Francisco. Not that you open it up and it's gross. That city is one of the grossest towns.

And it smells like piss and sissy trees and sissu trees are everywhere.

[B]

Supposedly cleaned it up a little bit.

[A]

That's a low buddy of mine that's been living there. Well, he lives there. He's telling you the things that he needs to hear himself say, so he.

[B]

Doesn'T what he's been saying for years.

[A]

It'S a dump.

It's been a dump for a long time. When those hippies took it in the 60s, everybody tried to fool you with full house and Mrs. Doubtfire and all those beautiful. Because it photographs incredibly well.

[B]

Never left. Hate Ashbury.

[A]

It's a chick with a dick. It looks good. And then you get to know it and you're like, this thing's got a dick. It's like you say the Taj Mahal.

[B]

Great. Beautiful.

[A]

Look around it and It's. Do the 360 view on that street. Do 360 at the Taj Mahal. It's like, that's stunning. And then just pan the camera to the left. And then hordes of poor Indians. Hordes and hordes. And then the back is just two river dilapidated nightmare shacks across the street. It's like the west side. I mean, it's. Yeah, it's terrible. Yeah. If you put the Taj Mahal somewhere to just be an example, it would be the. Where the brewers play. Like, this is amazing. You turn around, you're like, why are there so many smoke shops? How much smoking do these people need to do? All right, go ahead. What do you got on the list? A lot of it going with your early story. ZZ Top pearl necklace. Oh, that's not part of my early. Winger 17. ACDC squirt shoot to thrill. Bring your daughter to the slaughter. I saw your mommy and your mommy's dead. Christine 16 Sweet mandang, sweet poontango. A dead skin mask.

Rowness. Crazy nights for Banzai Bob Pantera, gnr. I'm gonna start this Friday off with Winger.

[B]

All right.

[A]

They are underrated. Seventeen's a good song. And when we talked to Kip Winger a couple years ago, and he said he didn't write the one line in the song, and it's the most famous line in it, and he's embarrassed. Daddy says she's too young, but she's old enough for me. He's like, I didn't think of it when we sang it. And he goes. And years later, it haunts me.

I love winger. 17. For all you parents with teenage kids that keep saying, oh, no, mine's different. Kids are different today. They don't like tugging on each other and making squirts. They just. They're different. Yep. No, they're not.

You just think they tell you all their secrets. We're friends. My kids. We're friends. My wife would know. Nope.

Think of it. When you were 17, did you run home and tell Bunny and Torp that you just got a hand job in the back of a car all the time? Nope. Never once, Ever. Once. Mom, guess what happened to me?

[B]

What?

[A]

Brady lady gave me a hand job in the back of the bus today.

[B]

It was great.

[A]

Just thought I'd tell you because we're friends. Bus.

[B]

Good for you.

[A]

Yeah. You didn't take it. Yeah, he's not riding a bus. No, they called it a bus. It was when you. When you weren't in one of the limousines that took you to private, you rode a bus.

You even had that guy that tried to mount you in that C28 or whatever it was. The T tops dude that you lost your virginity in, that Legs up in the Bread concert. No, that was his uncle. He did probably go home and tell his parents that, but they ignored it. Uncle Mike gave me a hand job on the way home from Bread.

[B]

Fell for life.

[A]

Let's go get you a grilled cheese. Oh, everything's forgotten.

You got it ready, Winger? I saw sparks fly. Oh, here it is. Listen to this, 17. Pay attention to your kids. They're making squirts. 98. Arizona's most powerful, powerful rock radio station. 98. Can you PD. You thought that was funny?

You were laughing like a hyena when he said it. What the hell is wrong with you?

We're just about ready for Brady to give you all the news that only Brady knows. But before we do that, let me find this again. I just lost it. Damn it, Paige. I want to talk about some people. I thought they went away and I was worried about them, and I haven't looked. They used to have a restaurant called Rotten Grapes. And everything they did down there for Rotten Grapes was to help out their. Their charity for their rottweilers. Damn it. Where is it? It's a great email. Didn't print. You sons of. Right in front of me. I was prepared and then I wasn't. I was. Oh, it is. Is that why. Man, I gotta find it that way. Hold on. R O T T I.

The Rotten Rotty rescue. That's what we need to do. They're awesome. But Brandon, I did a couple of.

[B]

Things with her at Porkopolis.

[A]

They're the best. And so I hadn't heard from him for a while. And I talked to a lady at the Tuesday night show and her husband Brandon said, I just want to let you know that Rotten Roddies is up and running Strong. They have 20 dogs in their system that need homes and a lot of them are kept at the owner's house in Gilbert. They have a huge cul de sac lot and the dogs are sectioned off parcels air conditioned houses. They treat them great. And I knew about these.

[B]

Been there twice and it is. They do a great job.

[A]

They're the best.

They have adopted. This. This person Brandon has adopted four pups from. Just wanted to let us know that they're up and running because he heard me talking about it and I talked about it. I don't know if it'll print. I talk them or talk to this lady on Tuesday night at the Palladio show. And I just thought, oh, I'm so happy they're still around. The Rotten grapes is a great restaurant. It's just had a lot going on and then I think Covid happened and screwed everything up. But Rotten Rotties is still around and if you want to ever deal with rotty adoption and you, you do not have to go through breeders. That's my point with all this stuff. There's another awesome deal there. Adopt as much as you can. Don't shop. I am not a person who has ever, you know, I'm loyal to the people I know. And I just think that when people do great things, charity shouldn't have competition. That's why I work with the Humane Society lost her home pet rescue Rotten Rotties. If they want to do anything with us, we'll be glad to do it. I love Incredible Stella. My friend Erica runs that and she's just awesome. And what she's doing is an amazing thing. If you ever read her.

[B]

A lot of people don't realize even, you know, specific breeds.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

That have them.

[A]

I was at that. I got a little upset, but I was at that. Kurt Warner Charity. And I loved the charity, was for a great cause. But one of the auction items was a eugenics dog. You pick the eye color, you pick the hair color, you pick the birth date. You do that. I'm like, this. And of course, Megan's there, and she goes, adopt. And I'm like, no, no, no. Not the place, not the place. We can't save them all. And that's the goal you have to get in your mind. But Rotten Roddies is back, and I'm so happy to hear that. It's amazing. And on the heels of that, the. The pick of the litter from Lost her home Pet Rescue is a dog named Carbone. I did yesterday. And Carbone. I say this in the most flattering possible way. Carbone is dumb. This is a dumb, fun dumb, but it's the dumb. Like, I'm just a dog. Like, it's that dumb. It's not like he's going to go check out, like, you know, my dog Jack Ham side eyes me every once in a while. Like, what are you looking at? He's too smart for his own good. He figures things out. Like, he'll realize on the other side of this wall is. Whereas Carbone is the type of dog just stares at the wall and goes, where's. What happened to my ball? Like, if it goes behind a wall, he doesn't know where it is. But, you know, the smarter dogs be like, I can figure that out. They, you know when a dog is smart and when it's dumb, you know how to test that. When they're puppies, you put a towel over their head. If they lay down, they're dumb. If they find their way out, they're smart, and they're just like, well, this is my new existence. That's Carbon. He's awesome. He's like half rottweiler, half black lab. He's about £71. He's not big. He looks like my dog, Jack Ham. If Jack Ham hit the gym, he's about the same, but he's just got this bulk about him. But his face is like, whatever you want to do. I'm in. He loves dogs. He loves people, he loves everything. Didn't hurt. I feel exactly. It's okay. I'm okay. He's just that dopey dog. And it's. You know when you say, I don't think there's anybody home, he's not crazy dumb. He's just sort of a dumb dog. Like, in the most awesome Disney way you can imagine, he's available. He's the pick of the litter, please, by all means, go grab him. Because this dog is cool. He's like 2, 2, 3 years old max. I don't even know if he's that old, but he just kind of looked at me like, okay, what do you want to do? I'm like, man, this dog, you can see it in his eyes. He's just a dog. Some of them you look at, you're like, he's up to no good. He's gonna. He's gonna. He's gonna be able to open doors.

My dog Jack and Bus.

Bus is sort of a dumb dog, like, in the ways of just being a dog. Like, when he becomes a dog, he's the dumbest dog in the world. He just. This dog. But then when he's not just a dog, he figures things out. He's learned how to open sliding glass doors, and he's taught Jack that handles open doors. He loves opening doors. But he's got his buddy in on it now. And prior to Bus, living in the house, they didn't open doors. And now doors with handles get open. So if I don't have a twist door, I've just got, like a handle door done. We gotta lock that. He can figure out it all. The bus is kind of showing him, like, that's how you get in and out, dummy. And now Jack reaches and. And the doors open. You don't have that problem with Carbone. He won't ever figure that out. I can tell by the look of. Check it out. 98kupd.com and go to the pick of the litter. Drop down. And if Carbone's not right, Chalky's still in there. Keanu's still in. They got so many dogs. And. Amazing. But I will say this as we go forward, don't buy someone else a pet for Christmas.

Just don't. They're not gifts, they're responsibilities for years. So make sure that the person you're getting the dog for is like, I need a dog. I want a dog. I want to. And let them get in on it, too. Because a lot of times Christmas ends up in a bunch of pet returns in January. Don't do it. And if you're getting your kid a dog, realize you're getting yourself the dog. Your kid's not going to do anything. You're cleaning up the crap. You're paying the vet bills. You're feeding it. Your kid may say it wants a dog, but you're getting yourself a dog. So no gifts.

[B]

They keep playing these National Kennel Contests where the dog best in show.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That keeps the breeding going.

[A]

Oh yeah.

[B]

Well I mean you think about it.

[A]

It does. And a case as much as you.

[B]

See those AKC dogs, whatever the toy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

§ the working dogs, they're, they're really cool looking and you still have that.

[A]

Factor of keeping the breed alive. To keep showing is a double edged sword because you want to keep the breed alive. But then they have litters of six or seven and they're siring these.

[B]

Things and one of them becomes really popular, opens up other.

[A]

Breeders. You know it would stop and this is weird. Horse racing would end if we had shelters in every city of hundreds and hundreds of horses. Like they wouldn't do.

[B]

It.

[A]

Yeah. I don't know. For some reason dogs, we just keep going. So please by all means. If you need to adopt a dog, there's a half rotty black lab that's one of the coolest looking dogs I've ever seen at Lost our home pet rescue along with all the others. And if you absolutely must have a rottweiler rotten rotty rescue is an awesome place to go. So many good ones. So thank you for emailing me Brandon and letting me know that they're all still up and running. That's.

[B]

Awesome.

[A]

Awesome. It's time now for Brady to give you all the news that only Brady knows. We call this the Brady Report brought to you by allproche.com if you want to get on over there, go to their showroom and be careful. Any loud sounds you hear in the background, ask no questions. But you can go through everything. Talk to Robert and the guys over there about putting some shades at your place if you email them and they'll come out to your house and they'll come up with a design that is going to make your house a knockout. Get that shade or a blind or that TV on the back patio that you can only watch at night because it's glare all day. They can, they'll fix that with some sort of incredibly attractive screens on your windows. I got everything they can do it all and maybe even Kevlar screens on your window from what I'm hearing about them. They've got a whole back room they can do different things with. They're awesome people doing awesome stuff, making your house better. And they'll throw in a free heater if you get a motorized shade from them right about now. It's a little special around the holiday, so check it out. AllProchade.com Brady Report it good Friday morning to you, Phoenix. Hello World. We've made it.

[B]

Tight. Happy national. Communicate with your kids.

[A]

Today. I think I. I think that I actually. I might have Jew wizard that one too. I. I told you what you need to talk to your kids about. If they're 17, they're trying to squirt. They're not calling you because they love you. They're calling you to see much time they have before you get home. They're sending you on errands to Chick Fil A. I don't know what's with Chick Fil A. And you parents that keep getting it for them. Raising canes and Chick Fil.

[B]

A.

Age appropriate.

High.

[A]

School. Bottom line is if your kids are calling you and they're in high school and they're like, will you stop off and get me? They've got 10 minutes till they squirt. And they're. They're running you on a goose chase so they can clean up the evidence. Don't be stupid. Talk to your kids today because they're giving old fashions like no one's.

[B]

Business. It's also National Blue Jean.

[A]

Day. That's right. Should be every.

[B]

Day.

A couple of basis fun facts. I think we know this. A group of pugs is called a puggle. A.

[A]

Grumble. That's.

[B]

Right.

In Holland, a pug is called a mopshond, which comes from the Dutch word for to grumble.

There are three current NBA teams that have won every NBA finals they've played.

[A]

In. Say it.

[B]

Again. Three current NBA teams that have won every NBA finals they've played.

[A]

In. The Raptors.

It's got to be.

[B]

Correct. 2019.

One finals and they won.

[A]

It. The Bucks. That's what I was gonna say.

No, there's only three. How come it's taking so long to find.

[B]

This? Because I was looking at the other two because the first ones, it's pretty.

[A]

Easy. When I say Bucks, you should only have two to look at. That took too.

[B]

Long. It's in.

[A]

2023. The 23 team that won it.

[B]

All. One of them.

[A]

Yep.

I'm trying to think of like what's 2023's winner wasn't Dallas. Dallas has lost. No, I can't remember who won 2023 just two years.

[B]

Ago.

[A]

Nuggets. Oh, Denver.

[B]

Wow. And the.

[A]

13. That's only one though. The trailers lost to the Bulls. Sonics? No, they lost to the Bulls too.

It's a dumb.

[B]

One. No, it's.

[A]

Not. It.

[B]

Isn'T. They're 6.

[A]

0. No kidding. The.

[B]

Pistons? Nope. Who? The.

[A]

Bulls. Oh, the Bulls. That's right. Ah, it's too obvious. Sat in front of us too. Obviously I, I, I would have playoffs. I was like, they lost the Knicks when Jordan was out. But that was. I was trying to think of teams like the Magic and the Thunder, like newer teams because I don't know 60s basketball at all. Like, I know the Celtics won everything, but.

Yeah, I guess they've all pretty much been bounced once. The bulls are 6 0. Damn.

[B]

It. To build the great pyramid of Giza today, it would take more than 2,000 workers five years. And the cost, they're estimating 5.

[A]

Billion. I just 3D print that thing and be done.

Yeah, that's.

[B]

True.

Google. Google's annual year in search rundown. Sampen. This year the top searches included.

[A]

Labubus. The hell's that? Well, exactly. Because parents and people our age have to search Labubus. They.

[B]

Exploded. These new dogs.

[A]

Yeah. Basically a new trend of dolls that kids went nuts.

[B]

For. Thank you, Dr.

[A]

Lynn. Yeah, no kidding. We never have to know what those are.

[B]

Ever. Top searches we Googled in order were Charlie, Kirk, K Pop Demon hunters, Labubu, toys number three, i17, iPhone.

One big beautiful bill.

[A]

Act. People. People were checking out the bills. The big beautiful bill.

At least somebody read.

[B]

It. The government shut down FIFA Club, World cup and tariffs. Tariffs were.

[A]

Big. Yeah, they still operated with getting money. We don't even know where it's coming from. We just have money loading up. Did you see me go to sleep a couple times during Marco's speech yesterday? Not a good look for a guy who's been talking about Sleepy Joe for a long time. Went to sleep. But Marco's boring. I like my Rubio speak in Spanish with handcuffs, getting on a plane, going.

[B]

Home. The top. Why do kids say.

[A]

Searches.

Six, seven, number one? And yeah, they've got you by the balls with that one. They're saying it so you don't know what they're talking about.

They've got you. The parents are screwed on that one because it actually doesn't mean anything to the kids. But you're so busy thinking it's fentanyl code. And what they're really doing is distracting you with 6, 7 while their real fentanyl code goes under the.

[B]

Radar.

Stories. We Googled no Kings protests. Los Angeles fires the new pope. The Epstein files. Still, Hurricane Melissa was up.

[A]

There. Which one was that? Was that the Puerto Rico one down there? Just Jamaica. I don't know. Maybe the one that. Yeah, I don't clobber Jamaica if it doesn't hit the states. We don't care.

[B]

Yeah. Pantone's color of the year was.

[A]

Announced.

[B]

Yellow.

You're not far off. But it's not even considered. It's. It's white, but they're calling it Cloud Dancer. But it's toilet paper.

[A]

White. Well, that's pretty far from yellow. Is that in the 64 box of Crayola's sharpener on the back or what? White Was white. The most unusable crayon ever. There were 63 crayons and then white.

You needed black paper for it. Yeah. Who had.

[B]

That? Last year's was Mocha.

[A]

Moose.

You had to go buy that construction paper. And then the white crayon always looked like crap. You had to push harder. Made that mushy wax. Gotta keep sharpening it. Yeah, Push so damn hard. The sharpener was awesome, though. That was our technology. Oh, yeah. Yeah. One of the kids got iPhones and we got a pencil sharpener for.

[B]

Wax.

One of the most requested fetishes of the.

[A]

Year. Tickle my bum.

Breathing, peeing and butt breathing.

[B]

Yeah. La.

[A]

Magnia. Probably not that pit porn licking armpits. Oh, hey. That's a.

[B]

Thing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Great. And evidently gotten pretty popular this.

[A]

Year. Licking the.

[B]

Pits.

[A]

Yeah. You're an if you do. Yeah. We got bored with all the regular holes. We're trying to drill creases.

[B]

Now. Still popular, though, is pegging and feet.

[A]

Content.

Water sports loads in the top five. Because that became new to us last year about this.

[B]

Time.

It doesn't have that on.

[A]

The. It's a good band.

[B]

Name. It.

[A]

Is. Snorting Loads is a good band name.

I can't believe during Playdoh nobody came up with a band like one of our. One of our band names. Yeah. Snort and Load should have won it. In fact, if we could change the Thomas James Band name to Snort and Loads. In fact, I just did. By the way. Sorry, guys. The way Katie and the Hobbs is miles to.

[B]

Nowhere.

[A]

Yeah. Thomas James Band is Snorting Loads. AKA Snorting Loads. In fact, call yourself AKA Snorting Loads. No one will care why you have. You don't have a real name.

I like.

[B]

That. And now it's time for some science.

[A]

News. Oh, do you have it? Apparently that's me. Oh, go get.

[B]

Him. Hello, my friends. Professor Brady Bogan here with your science news.

We got a dentist that says the reason why people have the fear of going to the dentist is because of that sound the drill.

[A]

Makes. It.

[B]

Hurts. So she's developing a drill that's.

[A]

Silent. Okay, that's great. That's a good thing. But the reason we're afraid of dentists is because it used to be a.

[B]

Torture. It's called.

[A]

Odontophobia. And the word drill and tooth care, your brain is supposed to react with. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on. What? Changed the name of it to the tooth softener or something like that. Don't call it a drill. That's dewalt. I think that the sound does affect it though. It's horrible. I mean, it just adds to it. It's having someone in your mouth and their face is within inches and they've got a screen mask on. It looks horrifying. It's torture. That scene from the Running Man. Or not the Running man, but the. The Marathon Man. Oh my.

[B]

God. I watched it about a month.

[A]

Ago. It's.

[B]

Horrible. And.

[A]

Then. It's horrible. The dent.

[B]

Didn'T. After the drilling. And he's running with his mouth.

[A]

Open. Running just. Yeah, you know, the nerves whistling through the holes.

Do yourself a favor and torture your brain with the Marathon Man. That scene is horrifying. Never seen it. You haven't? Oh, man. It's one of the best relatable tortures ever. Because this dude does some dentistry on the guy. And I mean, not like.

[B]

It'S. What's it.

[A]

About? I remember the plot. I just remember that. I remember that scene that lived with. I haven't seen it for years. What is it.

[B]

About?

[A]

Safe. I don't.

[B]

Remember. It's about the guy that's a Nazi war.

[A]

Criminal. Oh, that's right. Is it Lawrence Olivier and.

[C]

Yeah. Who.

[A]

Else? Who's the.

[B]

Other? Lisa.

[A]

Angel? Who's the other.

[B]

Guy?

Dustin Hoffman. Yeah.

[A]

Hoffman. Yeah. It's awesome. It's a good movie. But I know of course I don't remember any details.

[B]

Outside. You're kind of baffled for.

[A]

The. I don't think.

[B]

So. That's bulk of the movie trying to figure out they're asking them this.

[A]

Question and not has Gregory Pax not it. Who the hell is the other guy anyway? Figure it out. But Marathon Man's worth it. Old movie weekend if you want to have it just for the dentistry.

[B]

Seat. A study found that just smelling fatty foods while pregnant might up your kids risks of being overweight later in.

[A]

Life. They can get it because you're a pig. You know why I wonder if this is.

[B]

Real. They gotta study more on.

[A]

It. Well, I'll speculate on why. Is because when you smell fatty foods and your mom. Right. And your body gives that a positive endorphin to you. The kid Gets a little taste of that. So fatty foods then probably get eaten after you smell them. Doubt that. Your mom's just walking by lots of fatty foods without taking a nibble. And with the positive endorphin rush that the little womb's getting, then she piles in some bacon, and then it's good. And you're like, oh, this is. There's probably something innate with that being in the womb and mom having a good time, like smelling stuff. I think.

[B]

That'S.

Wonder what if I had Jones for Chardonnay or did.

[A]

Your. Yeah. Did your parents live near a.

[B]

Bakery?

[A]

No. Okay. Just.

[B]

No. But, you know, slaughterhouse or.

They were near Hungry Herman's. That wasn't far.

[A]

Away. Yeah. They drive by enough to where in the womb. You're like, that's it. My lot is.

[B]

Sealed. Another study found cats learn to meow louder at men than they do at women because guys just aren't great.

[A]

Listeners. That's not.

[B]

True. They say women are also more likely to pick up on subtle body language clues that make meowing less.

[A]

Necessary. You mean overreact to everything?

[B]

Yeah. Mm.

Russia can't send people to space for a while. Their latest blast off destroyed their only launch.

[A]

Pad. Oh, they only have one in that giant.

[B]

Country? I guess.

[A]

So. You gotta get on.

[B]

There. And Blue Origin announced their next tourism launch. It'll include the first person in a wheelchair ever to space. In.

[A]

Space.

Is that.

[B]

Bezos?

Yeah. Blue Origin.

We found lightning on Mars for the first time.

A study also found that time passes slightly faster on Mars than it does on Earth.

A study at UC Berkeley found chimpanzees ingest way more alcohol from fermented fruit than we thought. They say it's the equivalent of two beers a.

[A]

Day.

Just. Just going.

And that's why they're so strong. They're drunk all the time. They want to fight. They're like little Irishman. Little Irishman in the little Mick hats on the chimps and. Ah, let's do it. Put Mick hats on them and let them. They'll box and stuff. And then just tell you at the end, they start.

[B]

Crying. I'm.

[A]

Sorry.

Morning sickness. The 98 KUPD. Holmberg's morning sickness.

[B]

Okay. That's your size.

[A]

Loose. Got to blame it on the alcohol. I've got a little bit of a.

[B]

Problem.

Now it's time to play Guess the.

[A]

Perp. Oh, the color or just.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

Yes. Guess the color. Is that what we're.

[B]

Doing? You can just.

[A]

Guess. Just describe them. Okay. But most of the time, 73.

[B]

Year old guy from Mississippi Black.

Tried to buy a 10th, 10 month old baby at an.

[A]

Auction. Oh, that one. Yeah, that throws it in there. Dude ain't buying a baby. He's been running from that his whole life. Yeah, so? No, that's not.

[B]

It. Howell Penton is his.

[A]

Name. Howell Penton. 73. He's buying babies. He's in Mississippi. Did he have a box guitar? Does it play a washboard or a jug? Washboard. What are we looking at? Does he have anything with three X's on it that he calls an instrument? Yahoo. What kind of.

[B]

Car?

Say the car. They just met him at the.

[A]

Auction. How will Penton Wait. They have an auction for.

[B]

This? For babies he thought he could.

[A]

Buy. He's white. Yeah, I was just gonna.

[B]

Say.

[A]

Yeah. So Bear Jackson's missing.

[B]

Out. Maybe he approached somebody that was part of this auction, says, are you selling.

[A]

Kids? Time out. We still have people auctions in Mississippi. I thought that ended with.

[B]

Lincoln.

Washington, Paris.

[A]

Parish. Okay, so his name is Howell.

[B]

What? Howell.

[A]

Penton. Howell is such a hillbilly white. Yeah, he's. He's the Mountain Dew guy. 73, though.

Selling babies. Now, not to be too stereotypical, but getting rid of babies. There's one group that I think is really good.

I'm gonna go with an old black man. Mississippi is the reason why he's an.

[B]

Old. What is.

[A]

That? What is.

[B]

That? Mountain Dew.

[A]

Guy? Is that a white guy? I can't.

[B]

Tell. It's a.

[A]

Black. Okay. All right. Brett wins. That is more Mountain Dew than a black guy. That was a tough one. Yeah, it was the Mississippi thing. Old Mississippians always throw it off.

[B]

Off. Second.

[A]

One.

[B]

Huh? Gainesville.

[A]

Florida. Oh, 50 years.

[B]

Old. He's in trouble for throwing a log through a car. His Name's William Riley. 50 years.

[A]

Old. Gainesville. Gainesville.

[B]

Florida. Upset his lady threw a log through the window. The car just missed.

[A]

Her. Oh, she was in it. Yeah, it's a good throw.

Gainesville. Gainesville's north, isn't it? Yeah, I think in that panhandle, isn't it? I don't think it's up that high. Maybe I'm gonna go Florida. I'm gonna go to the fully white redneck on this one. Big belly, no shirt.

Willie Ryan. Jesus, he's a skinny black man. I had no doing there. Come on. What is he doing there? Throwing logs at people like Dontrell.

[B]

Willis. So I'm.

[A]

Listening.

He looks like. Yeah, he's thin. And I pictured a fat little white man. Little 50 year old. Like. Like if you And Mike Broomhead had a baby. Whoa, man.

That's what I thought of. Damn it. I was way off. Tactical. Tactical. Yeah. Tactical. Tactical.

[B]

Tactical.

[A]

Tactical. Trump. Quiet. Trump. Tactical. Trump. Quiet.

I'm on KGR right now. Kick. Trump. Quiet. Kjr Tactical. Tactical. Tactical. Amazing.

[B]

Arizonans.

I don't know if you saw the new ad from Columbia Sportswear. It features the CEO, Tim Boyle, challenging flat Earthers. He says, if you guys claim that there's a. An end to the earth.

I'll give you the.

[A]

Company. Not like the end of. But like there's a. Yeah, like an edge. Finality to an.

[B]

Edge.

[A]

Yeah. He'll give you the whole company if you can prove it. You know what flat Earthers never do? Invent rockets. Flat Earthers know that if they ever invented a rocket, they'd be.

[B]

Screwed. And it's clever because on the challenge, because, you know, if you're going to prove it to me.

You'Ll need to go out here's. To do that, you'll need to wear some quality clothing, outdoor clothing.

[A]

Columbia. Yeah. How much does that guy have? The Columbia owner? Well, is he a billionaire?

[B]

Probably. I don't know about a billionaire, but pretty close.

[A]

Yeah. So he could get himself a real nice boat and say, all right, flat Earthers, every. All aboard and let's sail to the end.

[B]

Right? He claims that he'll give the whole company away, Willy Wonka style to anyone that can go to the edge of the earth. The flat earth. Take a photo of.

[A]

It. No, no, he needs to be in on this. He needs to get a boat, only flat earthers are on it, and say, let's sail to the edge and prove you guys right. If this thing has to stop and turn around, I'm giving you the company and the boat.

If not, you need to publicly shut the up about the flat earth thing.

Prove it to him. Let him sail all over and say, I'll give you 50 grand a year. He's got tons of money. I'll give you 50 grand for the year to sit on my boat and leave your job. Sit on. Because nobody. Flat Earthers, nobody's making more than 50 grand a year. They're all poor. That's why. Yeah, none of that. They're crazy and they're.

[B]

Poor. Someone noted that in the fine print, the company refers to the company LLC with assets which are valued at a hundred thousand.

[A]

Dollars. Oh, so he doesn't want to get sued too hard.

Bottom line is, when you say put up or shut up to a flat Earther, they just start Screaming, you're sheep. Like, well, then prove it to me. Can't prove it with not your drawings. Prove it was something you didn't draw. Get. Let's get on the.

[B]

Boat. Find you on that guy from that Goliath.

[A]

Expedition. Yeah, that dude. He's proven it, even walking around and made it all the way.

Flat earthers. Put up or shut up. Flat earthers.

The other thing. And I talked about this with Dave Nash on the sports podcast. The a. A John Holmberg.

[B]

Podcast. Oh, yeah. You said you had an interesting one for.

[A]

Him. Chemtrails.

[B]

Right?

[A]

Yeah. And everybody's talking about the chemtrails, and they're like, oh.

[B]

Again. Or they jump back.

[A]

Up. Brought up.

[B]

Again. I asked her about that.

[A]

Too. And what's his answer? Oh, it's happening. Bill Gates is behind it. And I'm like, wouldn't it affect Bill Gates just randomly raining down chemicals from airplanes? And he. And his answer was this. Exactly.

He doesn't care.

Oh, come on. Come on. Then why do it? All the people that want chemtrails to make us die are getting rained on, too. So his answer then later changed to, he calls ahead and says, no chemtrails in Seattle today, please. And I'm like, so there's multiple. So there's loads of people in on it. And not one whistleblower's ever come out and said, bill Gates calls me every Tuesday and says he's coming to Seattle. I got to kill the chemtrails today. Nobody's talking. Every time there's a whistle, they kill him. I'm like, nobody's ever said, hey, my husband used to work for Bill Gates and released the chemtrails. And then he got killed.

[B]

The. The trick, whenever he goes outside, no planes in.

[A]

Sight. Maybe, but that would have been better. I. I don't discount that. There's probably something happening with something, but the chemtrail thing is too random. Like, it, let's just rain down. And then he said, it's all just to control the weather. And he spun it somehow onto all those kids that died in that flood in Texas. That's what I.

[B]

Yeah. About.

[A]

It. That it got out of hand and the chemtrails briefly open. Oh, it's hard to. Nash is fun. We do five minutes with a madman at the end of the sports podcast and let him have at some topic, and it's insane. And then he calls me a Satanist and an elitist, and it's. And then the podcast ends.

Because I told him I'd take Money to, like, fly the chemtrail plane. It's because you're a Satanist. Because you're. Because you're an evil elitist. And I'm like, maybe. I don't know, but it sounds fun that I would. I can control the weather. Give me that plane. You're Satanist. I can make floods. I'm God elitist. You're a Satan elitist. And I'm like, maybe that's cool. How does Dale handle this? Dale and I both laugh the whole time because it gets so worked up. It's just the last five minutes of the show. Yesterday was about eleven and a half minutes, him going on. And somehow chemtrails turned into nine. Eleven Covid Epstein Island. He got lost. He was ping ponging all over, and it was fun.

It's the sports thing. A John Humbert podcast available where you find. Find podcast. I giggled for hours on that. But the chemtrails thing doesn't make sense to me. Everybody, that's for. It's like, yep, they're making us all dumb. Who? The elites. I'm like, aren't they down here with us? Well, yeah, but they. They. They're.

[B]

Unaffected. He's kind of like Chris Berman. Answer with.

[A]

Conspiracy. Yeah, it's. Yep. What? You hit the chemtrails. Go. But then Bill Gates calls ahead, said, I'm gonna be in San Francisco. Kill the chemtrails today. So every city he's in, he has to call ahead. So there's a guy in every city that's in on. Yep. The elites. The.

[B]

Massage.

[A]

Who? I tell you right now that a massage comes to me. Whoop, whoop. Chemtrail trip. Rumbling, rumbling, Stumbling dead. And it rains down, but not on them. And so they get upset when you say, okay, the chemtrails are raining down on all of us. And he can call ahead and stop. How do I get into that.

[B]

Crew? That.

[A]

Billionaire? He's unaffected. I'm okay. Cool. How do I work for him then? To where I'm now no longer affected by the chemtrail at elitist, Satanist, Satan.

[B]

Elite. In what.

[A]

Level? I. I would rather be on the team that's dropping chemtrails than the one that's getting coded in them. Right. So how do I join that? Nobody ever asked. The conspiracy theorists. Oh, you know all this. Can you give me a number? I'd like to be on their team. I don't want to be one of those sheep. I want to be in their squad. We gotta stop them. Like, nope. I want to Be part of it, because I don't know how. If they're that organized, I want in. And then every pilot for every major airline. Yeah, every major airline has to be like, don't forget the chemtrail button for the pilots. And nobody said anything.

What's this button do? Oh, this regulates your air speed and everything. What's this green one over here? Oh, that drops chemtrails on the.

[B]

Sheep. Flight 1789, you're clear for.

[A]

Chemtrails.

Satanist elite. We'll be right back with more chemtrail nonsense. I'm good. Blitz. But, yeah, he gets nuts. Whenever you get him, he starts going. His arms go in the air like somebody's beating.

[B]

Him. Satan, Dave, you're telling me. Oprah and Tom H. They drink.

[A]

Baby. Oh, that's the.

[B]

Thing. Oh.

[A]

Yeah. They eat babies. Oh, they're killing and eating. I mean, I heard that before, but I didn't know he was in on every single conspiracy. The guy on the podcast with me, he is in, and we give him five minutes to scream it at the.

[B]

End.

[A]

Right. And he's big on the chemtrails. And sometimes he's just like Alex Jones. He makes a lot of sense until he doesn't, and then it's just hilarious.

You don't argue about those chemtrails. You see that? And the thing that they said about frogs being gay, People took that little snippet from Alex Jones. Yeah, it's.

[B]

Real. Oh.

[A]

Yeah. The stuff in the water is making frogs able to mate with themselves. And they're asexual. And a boy frog can bang another boy frog and they can go, don't worry about it. The chemicals in the water made it so I make babies now. It's like, oh, they're making the frogs gay. That's where it went.

[B]

Crazy. And that's where they're going to put it into the.

[A]

Kids. Yeah, because they're trying to make it. Yeah, but they wouldn't be asexual. They would.

[B]

Be. That's what he was. Kind.

[A]

Of. But they know they make it. So their genders are asexual. They're the opposite. They have all over. Yeah, they have all of it. Whatever they call that when they're. When you're everything you got. You got the eggs and you got the wieners and you got the working hermaphrodite. Yeah, that's right. Functional hermaphrodites. I know that's not correct, but I like it.

As a chemtrails. You go over and you switch rains down Dumb. You suck it up. How come they're not affected? They're unaffected because they call ahead. To who? The chemtrail societies. They have to build buildings for that. So the contractors have built the building for the chemtrail. Answer the hotline. The chemtrail hotline. So Bill Gates can call somebody on the construction cruise. Like, what are we building here that you can't drill? Hotline. Bill Gates calls here, says where he's going to be. You turn off the.

[B]

Chemtrails. I can't remember on the flat earth.

[A]

Thing. Flat earth thing needs to be a put up or shut up. Because I've said it for years. What if they're right? But none of them invent rockets because all flat earthers are poor. There's an. A rich flat earther out there. There not one. Because if you were dedicated to being a.

[B]

Flatter. A couple of the NBA players were.

[A]

Siff. No. Shaq made a joke about it. And I think it was Shumpert and a couple other guys. Like, I believe the earth is flat as well. And it was just to make people go, what? But they don't have rocket building money. Elon Musk says the earth is flat. We're going to find out. And so far it's the other way. Never once did one of these private people go up into space. And I've asked them out, like, what about. I understand if it's only government authorized rockets, but like, we've got private rockets now. How come none of them have gone off and go, hey, that thing's not round at all. It. They're in on it. Light reflect. They're elitist too. And what's the end goal of having a round or flat earth? So what?

Told you so. Put up or shut up. Put up or shut.

[B]

Up. I just have one Brady.

[A]

Video. All.

[B]

Right.

And you've got Evil Kumar. He's Indian daredevil. Oh, jumping 11.

[A]

Indians. Oh my God.

What a dump. There are 11 Indians on the ground alone. And he's got a bicycle, I.

[B]

Believe. And there's kid on his.

[A]

Shoulder. Another dude is riding him. Yeah. And they have a drag flag on the back. Is that attached to the bike? That big flag? Here we go. Oh, there's a kid that's. Oh, they're. They're not even jumping them. He just rode over Indians. The record of riding a bicycle over the backs of Indians is.

[B]

Eight. It's a.

[A]

Failure. Is it? Or is that the.

[B]

Bar? Maybe it.

[A]

Is. Maybe it's a new race. But they're entertained. So Easily. Over there.

They laid 11 Indians. They laid 11 Indians on the ground. And a guy tried to ride his bike like Whoop Dee Doos. And he made it to eight. And then they dumped the kid on his shoulders off of the bag. Now, I'll tell you this. If that was going on here in the States, there'd be a crowd, but it would still have to be Indians. You can't. White people doing this wouldn't be fun at all. Crazy third worlders have to perform these. Welcome to Checkass. They have a band, Flags. Gonna call that a band? Well, it's what their bands sound like. They've got, you know, like one of our Palladio.

[B]

Bands. But he would have made that easy if he was on a bike from.

[A]

Action. I was just gonna say brought to you by Action Ride Shop. I had my bike fixed over at Action Red Shop. It's this. I have 34 inch travel on.

[B]

This. Just the last.

[A]

Guy.

[B]

Yeah. And because of that adjustment, the wheel stuck on the guy's.

[C]

Head. He.

[B]

Didn'T. He would have gotten over.

[A]

Him. Well, he makes a bad turn when he runs over the eighth Indian. Bends the front fork.

[B]

Yeah. He.

[A]

Moves. There's a dude laying on his tummy and another guy just comes up and slides him like he's a piece of.

[B]

Wood. There he.

[A]

Goes. And then this Indian, at breakneck speeds of six or seven miles an hour, barely climbs eight of them and then crashes on the last.

[B]

One. It's the worst thing.

[A]

Ever. If he had a pivot, he would have made it right over that thing. You got to get some travel suspension. Those fox suspension up front. Get 36, get 3 or 4 inches of travel on that. You wouldn't even feel those Indians. I want to lay down 11 Indians on trail 100 and take a ride. That is one of my favorite things I've.

[B]

Seen. And then is the rope.

[A]

To. In case he's the finish line, man. That's the finish.

[B]

Line. Or is that to stop him when.

[A]

They. Well, he's going so fast. He has no. There's no brakes on that bike. He doesn't have the Ron Cap chute coming out the back of it or anything. The blast bucket. That is awesome. And the kid on top is waving the flag. It's so hard to ride a bike with a flag that's aerodynamically terrible. That cut off about three miles an hour. I wonder if the record is specific. How many Indians can you run over with a boy on your back holding a large flag? You're on because the record without the boy on the flag is 35 Indians. But the flag has. It greatly diminishes the Indian crushing.

Let's go. All of us now take in water there.

Now time for a humongous public. Follow me.

Oh, my goodness. That was awesome. I want that to be a sport. Should do that youst next year. Yeah, just riding over Indians. Not you guys. Not slayer Indians. You know what I'm talking about. Not Cleveland or, you know.

[B]

Washington. Eastern.

[A]

Guardians. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.

The guy's at the call center. Discover. Discover. Yeah. Kevin and his friends. Kevin and the boys. All right, Brett, what do you got? All right, we got strange ones today. Okay, here's some claustrophobia for you. Oh. This dude is naked and laying in under a plastic sheet that has. They're sucking the air out. Just the air hole. And his penis is out of the. He is under some sort of plastic covering and what looks like he's trapped inside a waterbed. And then they've sucked all the air out of the mattress and he's got a breathing tube in his mouth. And then a wiener that is out. And they put a machine on top of the wiener. Yeah, I don't know what that is.

It's science fiction is what it is. And he's got a beautiful blonde lady naked right next to him, and he'd prefer being suffocated under a plastic mat and having the machine do the work rather than. Yeah, I'm with you, Peter Griffin. Holy crap is right. Told you. I don't know what it is. All right, hold on. That's Jacob's ladder. Oh, the guy holding his wiener, he's got a circular. Oh, no, no, no, no. He's putting it next to his penis. Balls are in his hands. Just the tip of his wiener and it's. Oh, he's pulling it out. Oh, my God. Oh, the bloody. Cut his wiener off right core center. Look at his pants. He's got terry claw robe underpants, and a clean slice. Oh, he's just holding his dismembered penis in his hand and he hasn't even screamed. Brad.

[B]

Run.

Is he in a clown.

[A]

Outfit? Oh, he's. I don't know what kind of outfit. My grandma used to wear a hat that looked like that. You know what it looked like? Those pussy hats from that march. He made pants out of those. They were like pink with little.

[B]

Tassels after a terry.

[A]

Cloth. That was a tough one. All right, here we go. This one's Milk Shooter versus Butt Funnel.

On Fanduel. Okay. She's shooting milk out of her bottom into a funnel that's being. That is in another person's butt. So it's milk from one butt into the funnel and being. And going into another butt.

I told you it was weird.

[B]

Today.

[A]

Holy. I didn't even come up with that idea. And it's more reasonable to say, I've got two ideas. Guess what they are. Say, I don't know, you're gonna ride your bike over eight or nine Indians. I'm like, no, I'm gonna shoot milk out of my butt into a funnel into another butt. Apparently, this is a dildo on a pee hole. Oh, my God. Oh, it's a. It's inside of a. Okay, so they've got one of those machines that opens holes up real big, and then there's, like, toys in it, and they're just being pushed in and out of this. All right, I can't watch.

What? Yeah, what was that thing? What was the thing that popped out of there? There. Let's watch it again. Okay, there's a little pee pee. A plastic pee pee that's making, like, weird appearances. Then that happens.

Alt. Izzy.

Are you okay? No, but he's okay. No one's okay. Threw up in my mouth.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

What? That's it. Wow. Wow. I told you it was a strange one today.

Holy cow. What was that sound?

Thank.

[B]

You. I'm.

[A]

Confused. I'm scared. It's out there with us right now. All right.

Thank.

[B]

You. All.

[A]

Right.

My God, There goes your Brady Report. It's 98 Arizona's most powerful, powerful rock radio station.

You thought that was funny?

You were laughing like a hyena when he said it. What the hell is wrong with you?

I'm gonna go ahead and say it here. The. The. The somewhat legendary Demetri Martin.

[C]

Is. Oh.

[A]

Yeah. I'm gonna say somewhat first, just so I don't make you that.

[C]

Uncomfortable. No, I'll take.

[A]

Somewhat. Okay. You're somewhat legendary. That would be a good epitaph. Yeah, Somewhat.

[C]

Legendary. If I even get an epitaph.

[A]

I feel like you don't think you'll get one. You gotta work a little harder. Where's the cutoff? Because I didn't know that there was, like, a line for epitaphs. You have to actually accomplish something.

[C]

Right? I think.

[A]

So. What would you have.

[C]

On. Would have to be a one liner, which is good for that form. You don't usually do long.

[A]

Stories. You get to know your audience. It's.

[B]

Quick. You got tons.

[A]

Of. Yeah, they're very Quick. They don't like a long intro. No. Yeah. Do you want to be buried or cremated? Your kids are here. This is a.

[C]

Good. You know, I have an old bit about like, it does seem all or nothing. I'd love to have the option. Can you be partially cremated? Oh, just like the bottom half, you know, so look like a genie, maybe just like that. The dust goes into a thing. Yeah, exactly. It just leads to like a little lamp or.

[A]

Something. And we're talking into. Yeah, we're talking into a new industry of making people have like half their uncle and some dust. He was genie. He was genied. We gen need.

[C]

Him. The other angle I had was that you. If I got cremated, I wanted to still be of some use. So I thought if you could put me like in an hourglass, like for board.

[A]

Games. Oh, that's your final.

[C]

Wish?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Yeah. If you're playing Taboo or something, be like here on the mantle. That's my grandfather. Just flip that.

[A]

Yeah. If you lose the one that comes with the game, you've got the backups or Dimitri as it is. I like.

[B]

That.

[A]

Yeah. I've always said that you can do whatever you want with me. Me when I'm.

[C]

Done.

[A]

Yeah. Drag me behind a car for fun. Just see what happens. The things that you would want to do to a lot of people at that.

[C]

Point. It's cool to have a bucket list. Bucket list that starts after.

[A]

You. Yeah. Yeah, do it. Yeah. Take me to Wrigley Field and like swing me around.

[C]

And. Yeah, this is what I want to.

[A]

Do. The weekend of Bernie's thing, I was really intrigued by all the adventures, the stuff they did. Yeah. He got a lot of time doing stuff he wasn't going to do without these.

[C]

Guys. Halloween would be a big. I feel like that you could.

[A]

Score, you know, take a corpse with you as part of your.

[B]

Costume. At least a month. You think about. Of your.

[A]

Decoration. Yeah. You have your kids with.

[C]

You.

[A]

Yeah. Which I think is an amazing.

[C]

Way. I did bring my kids to.

[A]

Make things uncomfortable on a radio.

[C]

Show. Yes. I thought you guys would appreciate.

[A]

It. How old are.

[C]

They? There's nothing that people like more than some other guy's.

[A]

Kids. Oh, man. Is that true? That's your.

[C]

Epitaph. Now we got a.

[A]

Vibe. There's the epitaph that needs to be on the.

[C]

Tombstone. Yes. So I got a 12 year old and a 9 year old here, here. And I'm. For anyone who's listening. I don't have a lot of material about my kids. I'm not Thrusting my kids on the.

[A]

World.

[C]

Yeah. But we were traveling as a family. This was a drivable.

[A]

Show.

[C]

Okay. For me. So they weren't. I took them against their.

[A]

Will. Yeah. Because you know what this tells me? Trouble at.

[C]

Home. Trouble. That's.

[A]

Right. Yeah, that's right. Because why is.

[C]

It. Put it on the.

[A]

Air. Yeah. Where's the. Yeah. I don't want the kids to hear this. I don't want the kids to hear this, but is she still.

[C]

Alive?

[A]

Yeah. No.

[C]

Mom. Mom's.

[A]

Still. She's fishing at the hotel. Oh, she slept.

[C]

In.

[A]

Yeah. She said that's.

[C]

Enough. Yes, she drove, so I was like, fair enough. She drove the tour bus minivan that we.

[A]

Have. And so you were responsible for making sure they're up now. Why aren't they in a. I.

[C]

Should say in a.

[A]

Home? Aren't they in a home or a school? What's going.

[C]

On? They're in a school. I took them out of school. I took them out of school to tour competition.

[A]

Dude.

[C]

Just. Yeah, just a couple shows, but I don't do too many with.

[A]

Them. Right. That's a good.

[C]

Idea. Yeah, I try. I don't want to traumatize them more than I already.

[A]

Am. Do they go to the club at night and sit on the couch.

[B]

Tonight? Actually, they wants to.

[A]

Open.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. They sell.

[A]

Merch. Oh, they're merch.

[C]

Okay. They run the merch and they get to keep the tips, which is pretty. Oh.

[A]

Yeah. So they got to push a little.

[C]

Harder. That's.

[A]

Right. Good. Barkers is what you.

[C]

Need. Yeah. I feel like there were some sneakers purchased based on tip earnings and stuff. So I feel like we're learning about, you.

[B]

Know.

[C]

Yeah. What you can do with your.

[A]

Capitalism. So they're just there till, like.

[C]

Midnight? No, they'll just be there for the early.

[A]

Shows. Oh, and then takes them.

[B]

Out.

[C]

Yeah. Then they'll go back.

[A]

To. To the hotel. Okay. Is it awkward for.

[C]

You? Then I wake them up for the after.

[A]

Party. Oh, yeah.

Are they.

[C]

Funny? Yeah, I think they're both.

[A]

Funny. Yeah, that's.

[C]

Good. I think they're both funny and also, I think smart enough to know to not pursue what Daddy's doing. I think this is. Yeah. This is the road to.

[A]

Madness. Yeah. And you're showing it to them at an early age. They're either gonna hate it or love.

[C]

It. That's. I think that's true. I think you. I think that's the kind of cool thing about exposure. It's weird because whatever you grow up with is normal for Better or worse, I think, for everybody. So it's. It's pretty funny to see them.

[B]

Shadow dad for a day or a.

[C]

Weekend. And they're kind of over it.

[A]

Already.

[C]

Yeah. It's not.

[A]

New. It's just there. Yeah. Like, it's their thing. And your dad does this thing. It's like. That's what my dad is. How many. Did you have brothers and.

[C]

Sisters?

[A]

Yeah. What did your parents.

[C]

Do? My dad was a.

[A]

Priest. No.

[C]

Kidding. He was a Greek.

[A]

Priest. Did he ever take you on the.

[C]

Road? Well, I did. It's funny because the Greek thing, you can have a family. So for anyone out.

[A]

There. What? Yeah, you can.

[C]

Have. You can have. You can get married if you're not ordained. So my dad met my wife.

[A]

My. Oh, my God.

[C]

No. My dad met my mom, his.

[A]

Wife. I'm. Okay, kids. There's a whole lot of explaining. It's.

[B]

Not. That's a great.

[C]

Thing. It's not that early. I don't know why I'm having so much trouble. The basic.

[A]

Words.

[C]

So. Yeah. Anyway, he married my mom and then became a priest. But it was cool because now, in retrospect, I realized that Sunday was like, his show was every Sunday morning. Yeah, he would do. He would do this stand up, the liturgy. But his. Yeah, his sermon was pretty good. It was. Now I can look back and be like, oh, that was like he was doing 20.

[B]

Minutes. You weren't like a pastor's kid. You weren't a.

[C]

Rebel. No, I wasn't too much of a rebel. I was a nerd. I rebelled against my. I think, my own social success, which is to say, like, I was on the math team, so I was punishing.

[A]

Myself. You tried hard not to be.

[C]

Accepted. Yeah, I went. I grew up in Jersey Shore, so math, physics, you're in the pocket there for bullies.

This nose. Plus a little math team. They're like, get.

[A]

Them. That'd be wheelhouse for a kid who volunteered a lot of time in trash cans. That's right. You got a lot of hairsprayed dudes who took.

[B]

Swings. Oh.

[A]

Man.

[C]

Yeah. So many tough.

[A]

Guys. That's interesting because. And you say that like the perspective of being a kid. And you had your brothers and sisters of how it's normal to you. But even when you break it down to, like, family members, one person had a totally different experience than the other in the same.

[C]

House. Isn't that.

[A]

True? It's so weird to go back and go, that's not what happened. And, like, they see their lives.

[C]

Totally different than you it's.

[A]

True. Yeah. And it's like a crazy thing. So these two kids will watch you as a Stand.

[C]

Up.

[A]

Yeah. And that's normal to them, but where does that lead each of them going? It wasn't to me. It was like, why would one find it normal and the other.

[C]

One. I just.

[B]

Think. Think.

[C]

It'S. There's something so funny about how. I don't know if funny is the right word, but you really can't help but traumatize your.

[A]

Kids. You have.

[C]

To. It's just.

[B]

Like. I think it'll be full.

[C]

Circle.

[B]

Yeah. Son will be a.

[C]

Priest. Yeah. There we.

[A]

Go. And your daughter will be a priest. Yeah. I think that's what I have to go back to. Just the semantics of not knowing.

[C]

Words. It's just funny to think of, like, no matter what you do, they'll just be like, my dad and his freaking.

[A]

Jokes.

[C]

Yeah. Whole lives trying to brainstorm. Pitching.

[A]

Us. Do you think as a comedian it's. You would rather have a kid that has all 10 fingers and all 10 toes but wasn't funny or funny and missing a couple.

[C]

Things. Oh, that's interesting. I think I'd go for the.

[A]

First. All the toes and all the.

[C]

Fingers. I think so. I mean, I. I love comedy, of course. And I think there's something so magical about something that makes you laugh. That's original or whatever. But. I know. I mean, you guys have probably met so much. Many comics over the.

[A]

Years. Yeah. That's why we're.

[C]

Traumatized. I was gonna say so much. Just so much.

[A]

Darkness. We're like your kids. We've seen all this way too.

[C]

Much. I'm telling.

[A]

You. I think I'd rather have a kid missing a couple fingers who's got a great sense of humor. Dull kid with all this.

[C]

Stuff. That's true. I mean.

[A]

If.

[C]

Yeah. If doll's gonna be part of it, then maybe two fingers.

[A]

Yeah. Maybe one from each. Take one from each. And you don't want to go crazy and leave them with a.3 pinkies. I mean, pinkies. We don't need those. Be a Simpsons character basically all you.

[C]

Want. Call them eight.

[A]

But. Yeah. Because I really feel I. I find myself as a childless man in his 50s. A lucky B. I. I feel bad for people with dull.

[C]

Children.

[A]

Yeah. Because that's one of my biggest fears now. My face on a.

[C]

Woman.

[A]

Yeah. Is horrifying. Which is one of the reasons I didn't have kids. I could not curse this. Take the risk even. It's like.

[B]

Skydiving. But what's it. Why about that, though, on kids? Because a kid can be completely mellow for, like 10 years. Like, yeah. And.

[A]

Then. Sure, mellow's different than.

[B]

Dogs. See how they change? Or they're very outgoing at first, and then they're totally mellow as adults or, you.

[A]

Know.

[C]

Yeah. I feel the teenage thing is a real spin the wheel. You know, Stuff really gets all mixed up.

[A]

There. Yeah. It screws you up. But I. But you see them with dull kids. You're like, this has to suck because, you know, deep down they're like, I.

[C]

Know. And the other. And the other thing, too, is the. You know, when you're a parent, you get to know all these other parents, then you get to know their kids. And it's amazing how much you can hate someone who's so young.

You're like, I hate that guy. Do you realize he's seven? I know, but he's a prick. It's already cemented.

[A]

Already. Yeah. It's in their eyes.

[C]

Yeah. You just know it. You're like, yeah, And I can't do anything. They have a force field around them. Other people's kids have a force field. You can't do anything unless you're a.

[B]

Lunatic. You know, to your kids, too, are saying, like, oh, yeah.

[C]

Like. Like you can't get.

[B]

Them. No person's a taker. This person's a.

[C]

Taker. No, there should be a service, like an app where you can.

[A]

Hire. I'll do.

[C]

It. Yeah. Bullies, like, you just pick the age. You're like, look, this kid needs a little correcting. I'll hire. Yeah. Trevor, he's seven. Read his profile. Yeah.

[A]

Him. I would gladly go to people's houses to tell their parents their kids are pricks or dull. I think they need to know. I think they overlook how dumb or awful their kids.

[C]

Are. You know what that's called? You could be the Truth.

[A]

Fairy. The truth.

I'll show up in the middle of the night and go, this kid here. You wake up. Come here for a.

[C]

Second. I gotta tell you, got some things to tell.

[A]

You. This one's a prick. The girl's an angel. We like her after. I'd be like a consultant for the family to show up. All right, let's talk about what I've seen.

[C]

Here. Truth.

[A]

Fairy. Let's jump under your.

[C]

Pillow. Read.

[A]

Carefully. Kids are prick. The Truth Fairy is a great idea. And I am. I'm. I will do it for free. That's going to be my.

[C]

Retirement. We got a movie.

[A]

Pitch. Yeah. Wandering around telling parents you're overlooking it. You don't see what we.

[C]

See. You still got.

[A]

Time. Because I, I. There's studies, like scientific studies that say you are who you are by, like, age.

[C]

Five. Is that.

[A]

Right? Like, you're gonna have tendencies of being a jerk, or you're.

[C]

Gonna. I'm not.

[A]

Surprised. And I'm not either. And you gotta break.

[C]

Them.

[A]

Yeah. But that's pretty much what you've done. And then, you know, it's up to your parents to either nurture that or get out of.

[C]

It. I think it's true. I mean, we just see the privilege thing and kids who just, you know, no one says no to them or whatever, and then you're like, oh, man, you've made a.

[A]

Monster.

[B]

Yeah. Well, it comes down to one of the things as a parent that, you know, when you're a parent, you want to make sure your kid's in a good circle.

[A]

Yeah. They're not surrounded by pricks. This is what we're talking about. But you can't tell your. You can't tell these two. We've said this a lot in front of your.

[C]

Kids. They're gonna walk out here with, no, no, they're.

[A]

Cool. They like that. Because. All right, they're high.

[C]

Right. I, I curse. Yeah. Too.

[A]

Much. You curse. I do.

[C]

Too. I won't give you any.

[A]

Examples. Yeah, that's another reason I can't have kids, because mine would be, like, just.

[C]

Found. They'd be sailing. Nah, I've done. I've done some bad work there, for sure. And my wife, too. She never, she didn't curse that much when we got got together. Now I can see what I've done to her. I just feel.

[A]

Bad. Yeah. It is contagious, the cursing. You very rarely hang around somebody who doesn't curse and become them. It's.

[C]

Always. It's.

[A]

True. It's true. Because they're the one.

[C]

Repressing.

[A]

Yeah. They have to let.

[C]

Loose. I think that's. That is a bad lane to be in is when you're saying, oh, sugar and all that stuff. Well, come on. I mean, now, Now I'm thinking you planted in my head, so it's still.

[A]

Landing. And you also meant it. You know the right word or you wouldn't come up with one. That's the exact same sound stuff.

[C]

Right? That's like.

[B]

Cultish. You guys are making me freaking.

[A]

Mad. Ye. That kind of stuff. You don't need that. But it's. Yeah, nobody needs that. Yeah, you may. Even when you start. I start heading towards the dump. Button just in case. But you were very good about your kids cussed you. Were you allowed to cuss at your house when you were a.

[C]

Kid? No, not really. My dad did a fair amount for a priest, I.

[A]

Think. No.

[C]

Kidding? Yeah, I think that made him kind of cool because it wasn't a whole like Jesus, Jesus. That. The Greek thing. It's like. It's like a show every Sunday with ritual. It's like old fat. It's an archaic Greek. And they got robes and incense and stuff. So it's a production. Like it's a real. I was an altar boy. But we'd have like a. It's like a.

[A]

Show. I don't like the hand gesture you do when you say altar.

[C]

Boy. Oh, did I do that? That was me.

[A]

Holding. I was an older.

[C]

Boy. Oh.

[A]

Geez. Yeah, yeah. You were holding the cross. You were holding it up and.

[C]

Down. It was like those things you.

[B]

Exercise. Catholicism, it's a little.

[C]

Different. Catholicism, I think is a different game. For.

[A]

Sure. You had your hands behind your head and Catholicism. Someone else was.

[B]

Shaking. It's called the Father.

[A]

Nelson. That was a very strange insight. You know what I hate about Greek religions? That music. I live by a Greek.

[C]

Church. Oh, you.

[A]

Did? Yeah. And the festival in.

[C]

October. Oh, the.

[A]

Christmas. I want to schedule time four states.

[C]

Away. Where was.

[A]

This? Oh, it's right here in Phoenix. Down street. And it is. It's up the road from my house and somewhere along 5 o'. Clock.

That's a decent version. Whatever that. It sounds like the Tavern from.

[B]

Star wars slapped by.

[A]

Eggplant. It cracks open this weird like oboe sound and it never.

[C]

Ends. Oh yeah, the.

[A]

Clown. That what that thing.

[C]

Is? I think it's a.

[A]

Clarity. The guy doesn't know how to play it. No, it's his first.

[C]

Day. The Greeks were all dishwashers and.

[A]

Stuff. We don't know what we're doing. Then why with the.

[C]

Music? We're a food.

[A]

Service. Put on some Teddy swims. People like him. There's no reason for this.

[B]

Greek. Go with some.

[C]

Yanni. Yeah, that's a close. I'm just trying to. Who's a big.

[A]

Breakout. Yeah, that's a good one. That's the thing. Just Yanni's nice, but you don't want to hear a non stop Greek.

[C]

Song. No, it's. It's interesting being Greek. There's not a lot of us. Not in.

[A]

America.

[C]

No. And. Or.

[A]

Anywhere. Most of them are in Greece.

[C]

Right? Yeah, there's some still in Greece, but it's an interesting culture to be from. Because we did so well early on. I feel like we came out of the gates pretty strong. Democracy, architecture, philosophy, all that stuff. And then just took a dive.

[B]

Like. But you're right.

[C]

Yeah. The food we're down to. I always say we went from like the Acropolis to like Acropolis.

[A]

Diner.

[C]

Yeah. Parthenon to Parthenon Dry cleaners. It's like. It's just the trajectory is not good for.

[A]

It. It was the music. Everybody had to get away from it eventually. It's like. That's enough. Enough. Let's music.

[C]

In. The eyebrows are like too.

[A]

Much. We'll take with the razors and we gotta. We gotta move somewhere to where this music is less and just start dry cleaner. I think that's the way to go. Are you strict with the Greek stuff.

[C]

Still?

[A]

No. No. You're done with.

[C]

It. I've drifted.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

I'm. I don't have.

[A]

Any. No.

[C]

Religion. I haven't been to church in a long.

[A]

Time. Did your parents. Were they disappointed in.

[C]

That?

[A]

No. Well, they passed.

[B]

Away. They can't be.

[C]

Disappointed. Just to go full circle to our opening bits.

[A]

Here. Not because of.

[C]

Your. Not from disappointment. From what I could.

[A]

Tell. I'm just gonna say, geez, that was a quick.

[C]

Day. That'd be a very disappointing song. You're like, I have. We have some terrible news. But you've killed your parents. What? For what? Open mics do.

[A]

That. You.

[B]

Can'T. That's what it says on his dad's room. So I'm disappointed in my.

[A]

Son. Well, that didn't go very well. Yeah. Yeah, that's. Yeah, that's a thing. Because my parents are still alive. So I guess they are proud of.

[C]

Me. Yeah, that's. That's what. That's how I want to get. That's the. The credit you want to get to in life is people like they're just still.

[A]

Alive. Yeah. Yeah, they're still alive. And I'm sure. What are your.

[C]

Parents? Dude. Still.

[A]

Alive. He's still alive. He's hanging by, but he's here.

[C]

But. Yeah. So we're. We're both Gen X. Yeah. Just before we got an air talking about. I mean it's interesting our sort of. We're all now full grown ups, but growing up in the 80s and all that stuff. I don't know. Just different kind.

[A]

Of. But did you ever think you'd be in your 50s and say full grown ups? Because I don't remember. My dad was in his 50s. He never thought I'm grown up. Like. No, he was growing up when he was, like, 21 1. Right.

[C]

Oh. Oh.

[A]

Yeah. I'm still not.

[C]

Sure. No, you look at old pictures. People wore shoes and stuff. They just felt.

[B]

Like. It is.

[A]

Crazy. I forget my shoes when I go.

[C]

Places.

[A]

Right. I'll get out of the car and go, oh.

[B]

No.

[A]

Right. I forgot shoes. I. I'm. There's no way he had that.

[C]

Problem. I didn't think I'd have, like, a Buster Brown haircut in my.

[A]

50S. Your hair is fantastic. Thanks. It's definitely. So.

[B]

Here'S. Can you swim in there?

[A]

No. It's like a wig. Is that a wig? It could be. It's so much.

[C]

Hair. You know, somewhere along the way, I was like, all right, this is the best I can do with this nose. I need some sort of balancing thing in the.

[A]

Front. So you and I both have nose trauma. Yeah. Do you? No, you stop. Come on.

[C]

Don't. I'd kill for that.

[A]

Nose. I could kill you with my nose. This thing's huge. Yeah. And it's. And it's a. It's. It leads the way. Yeah. That's how people don't say anything but, like, yours doesn't look out of proportion right.

[C]

Now. No, I think that's. I. I think I'm. I'm balancing it the best I can with the hair. I have to lean back a little just to make sure I can stand up.

[A]

Right. You comb the ha. Hair over it, which is smart. That cuts off half of it.

[C]

Yeah. I remember I had spiked hair in seventh grade. That was the thing back then, that spiked hair, you know, boosted up. Yeah, all that.

[B]

Stuff.

[A]

But. But you have enough hair to.

[C]

Play with it kind.

[A]

Of.

[C]

Yeah. I mean, I'm hanging in there, but it.

[A]

Looks. It makes you look really.

[C]

Young. People think I look. Yeah. They tell me I look young, but just because I have.

[A]

Bangs. You could play a.

[B]

Team. You could lose the olive branch thing or.

[A]

What. Yeah. I don't know why you got that on cross. You're jerking around is out. That's weird, too. But. Yeah, other than that. Yeah, very good. But. And you've done so much Daily Show. Yeah. You were on that for a long time, and you did correspondent stuff there. You wrote for Conan o', Brien, which I didn't really. I knew you were on that. I didn't realize until before you wrote there.

[C]

Yeah. That was.

[A]

Fun. And then my favorite, Flight of the Concords, which you were on for, like, seven seconds, but you were on it, and I remember it because that was cool. Loved that show.

[C]

Cool. Moment in time. Now, to think back that when the Concords were kind of so.

[A]

Big. Awesome. Yeah. It was such a cool thing. And then just the way you found this kind of the whole thing. Is there anything in your career you go, you know what? I should have done this different. I should have followed that. Or even, like, thrilled with the way this has.

[B]

Progressed.

[C]

Wow. This is a. This is a good.

[A]

Question. Is.

[C]

It? That I ask myself every day.

Mostly, you know, what I didn't anticipate was the travel. Just how. How exhausting that can be. So this is the older guy talking. Yeah, that's TSA and all that stuff. I'm just tired of. I still love doing the shows, but, yeah, I don't. No big regrets. Like, I got close to a couple things, like Moneyball, that.

[A]

Movie. You were almost.

[C]

Moneyball. I worked for a day. It was me and Brad Pitt, and we did camera tests and everything. And I remember coming home and telling my, I think, fiance, it's my wife, but I don't think we're married yet. I was like, I can't believe. This is so cool. Steven Soderbergh, you're in the room. I'm with Soderbergh. I get my haircut next to Brad, and we do camera tests all day and everything. I come home like, this is so. This is gonna be so awesome. And then the next day, my agent calls me and he's like, hey, listen, don't go in today. They're having some contract dispute thing or something. They'll probably have it worked out by Monday. I was like, okay. Then next week comes in, he's like, nope. And then it never. I never went.

[A]

Back. The contract dispute was Brad Pitt saying, if you hire him, I'm.

[C]

Out. Yeah, he was. Yeah, he was. No, I think what it was was.

I guess the director and the studio were having disagreements about the script or how he was going to do it, so they. They shut it down. And then it came back a year later with a different script and a different director. So Brad Pitt was still in.

[A]

It. I remember Steven.

[C]

Soderbergh. Yeah, he didn't.

[A]

Direct. Okay.

[C]

Wow. And so great movie that you.

[B]

Remember the part that you.

[C]

Were. Yeah, they changed the part, but Jonah Hill got the.

[A]

Part. Oh, that's. You're going for the.

[C]

Best. He got nominated for an.

[A]

Oscar. Yes.

[C]

Yeah. But I. I must have written some good jokes that year, so I.

[A]

Think it all worked out. Did you. Do you hate that movie, though.

[C]

Though? I haven't seen.

[A]

It. No, I wouldn't either. That's a good move.

[B]

Yeah. You know, I'm staying away from it. It's like George Clooney for years, never watched, you know, Jonah and I. That Brad Pitt got the part.

[C]

Right. Oh, I didn't.

[A]

Know. George Clooney wanted that.

[B]

Movie. And he knew.

[C]

That'S. I knew Clooney and I had some similarities, and I couldn't figure out what it was. But that's.

[A]

It. Yeah. That and the hair. It's the same.

[C]

Thing. You know, Jonah Hill and I are different lanes. I think we do different things. If they had hired Jason Schwarzman or something, then I would have been like, I blew.

[A]

It.

A, a, better.

[B]

You. We didn't like the.

[A]

Look. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah. Or Mayim. B, Alec. If it was either of those.

[A]

I'd be like, I could have had that. People say you look like Blossom. I do. I do. No one's told me that. That's just the.

[C]

Meriton. If I pull my hair.

[B]

Back. Damn it. I.

[A]

See. I hate that I'm laughing at that because that just means you're.

[B]

Right. That's.

[A]

Right. Oh, I don't like that. Now I see it. Well, what was your favorite Blossom episode? Mine were the very.

[C]

Serious. I think the one where she's an altar.

[A]

Boy. I mean, if I'm remembering correctly.

Maybe confusing things. Well, there's the one dinner. Friend get pregnant or something. Had some scare where a friend had, like, Very serious. Yeah. Very special Blossom. I don't know why you made me think of Blossom. Stop it. Stop bringing up Mayim Bialik. That's a rule in.

[C]

Here. You know what I just did was I bought the Wonder Years on DVD to show my kids because it's kind of cool that a lot of those old shows. Yeah, here's the Gen X guy talking. But you can just get the DVDs for, like, nothing. You get the whole season. No commercials, nobody spying on.

[A]

You. You know. You know they have streaming services now. I.

[C]

Know. I'm just. I hate all that.

[A]

Stuff. You have a DVD player still? Yeah. And you've showed DVDs to the.

[B]

Kids?

[A]

Yeah. And they're tied to a.

[C]

Chair. I'm telling you, I'm traumatizing them. We have vinyl. I'm one of those.

[A]

Guys.

That's.

[C]

Terrible.

[A]

Yeah. What an awful thing, taking away from all that technology. Demetri Martin is at Stand Up Live Tonight and tomorrow, standuplive.com. been at this for so long. Just a legend like you are polished. This is a night that you will definitely be happy about. Look, Frank Caliendo even came down in his sweatsuit to see you. All right. And the kids left when Frank got here, which is probably good. Frank Smart. Is that your child drew.

[C]

That? Yeah. Is it. Does he have a drawing out.

[A]

There? He just draws something in a couple.

[B]

Seconds. Ridiculous. How old is the.

[A]

Kid? He's.

[C]

12. He's a.

[A]

Good. Oh, okay. So I didn't get a good P. I thought, like, this was a five. What did he draw? Amazing.

It's you with a big.

[C]

Cloud. He drew Travis Scott shot, which is pretty.

[A]

Good. He did in a few seconds. What is.

[B]

Happening? What's going on in the station.

[A]

That you don't know about? Well, when somebody brings their kids, Frank, I panic and I don't pay attention to the kids. You should see what the kid's doing with the easel out there, pulling over papers and.

[C]

They'Re. Yeah, he made a blow dart out. We were there for five minutes in the.

[A]

Kitchen. My kids at 12. Yeah. Struggling to figure out what. What shape goes in what.

[C]

Hole. Well, that's more.

[A]

Advanced. That's.

[B]

Pretty. That's how he sees.

[A]

You. I.

[C]

Don'T. I wanted to say this. I'm tonight recording my first Christmas album. Oh, is that right here? Yeah, I'm doing a standup comedy Christmas album. I've been trying. I've been working on this for a year, but I haven't been able to practice the material because it's Christmas material. So tonight's a big night. I'm going to see if this stuff all.

[A]

Works. So tonight's.

[C]

Practice? Kind.

[A]

Of. Yeah. We should get a discount. I'm trying to do like a.

[C]

Full hour of just Christmas of just very, very.

[A]

Cheesy. Yeah, I mean, that's like the sun selling regular season ticket prices to watch them work.

[C]

Out. That's.

[A]

Right. All right, we'll go still. But that's. Well, I don't like that.

Yeah, I know. When I talk about it, Frank's practicing again. He should give you a couple bucks if it doesn't go well. If it goes great, everybody should kick in at the.

[C]

End.

[A]

Okay. Yeah, sure. That's what I think. Everybody go, extra tips, it's free to get in. And then your practice. And if it's going pretty well, there's like a monitor behind you that the money, the price goes.

[C]

Up. You just describe every standup's.

[A]

Career. That's.

[C]

True. That's the whole trajectory right.

[A]

There. You just said it. Well, this will be interesting. A full Christmas. Is there Greek music in it? No. Unless something goes terribly wrong, don't Go back to the roots. That's all I'm asking. Demetri Martin tonight, Friday and Saturday. That's where you go down there. Four shows this weekend. Two tonight, two tomorrow. Standuplive.com. demetri, leave us with words of wisdom.

[C]

Please. Oh.

[A]

Wow. Something to change the world. If you were in charge, what would be the first thing you said? This is different.

[C]

Now. Okay. This is. This I didn't expect, because words of wisdom, I would say any topics.

[A]

In general, whatever you want. It's your world you're.

[C]

In. Okay. Well, this is one thing I always say about. Just about life.

Life.

I don't see this ending.

[A]

Well.

[C]

There'S an Act 3 problem in life is what I'm.

[A]

Saying. See, I'm. You and I. I are on the same page because I'm thinking. I think the credits should start rolling about now. This is. This movie's going on a little long. Yeah, I think I talk about that all the time. It's like, I think we should be done.

[C]

Now. Yeah, I.

[A]

Know. Yeah. But I've got, like, 20 more years to.

[C]

Fill. This is what I love about comedy because I feel like life, in terms of a structure, it just has the tragic ending. But we're just trying so hard to make it a comedy. Like, as far as you can go with that until the final twist at the end.

[A]

Isn'T. I guess I can equate it to your world. Like, when you first start in comedy and you get through all your material and you look up and there's no.

[C]

Light.

[A]

Yeah. They say follow the light. Like, where's that thing that tells me it's.

[B]

Over? That's where it came.

[A]

From. And it has to be it. And you realize, right, I'm getting the.

[C]

Light. You're.

[A]

Right. I need to get the light. I want the light out of.

[C]

Stuff. When you get the light, you.

[A]

Got to wrap it up. There's nothing worse than being done and the light hasn't.

[C]

Flashed. Well, it's even worse if the light's flashing and you're going.

[A]

Long.

[C]

Yeah. You want to get out? You know, someone else has to come up. It's their turn for some stage time. Let's.

[A]

Go. You know what? What? That's the metaphor right there. That's it. There you go. Dimitri Martin. Thank you, brother. It's good to meet you. Dimitri Martin, tonight at Standup Live. Go see it. Arizona's most powerful, powerful rock radio station.

You thought that was funny.

You were laughing like a hyena when he said it. What the hell Is wrong with you? You pd. There you go. Coming out to play. Frank Caliendo joining us today to come out to play. We're talking off the air about John. You were on stage with John Gruden. He came up with you in Tampa. Popped in there, man, up in Tampa. Showed up, did a little Tampa, too. I'll tell you what, man, was Tampa two step. We did. We put on tap dancing shoes. You ever wear those, John? Yeah. John Holmberg. That's right. Yeah. I tell you what, man. T for two and two for teeth. Let's go. You guys. Hold on. I'm tapping. I'm sorry. Did you have him in the crowd? Oh, he's tapping. I'm sorry. You gotta. You got a button over there. Over there that does tap.

[B]

Dance. Let me.

[A]

Check. You got that door open and.

[B]

Close.

I want to shuffle off to.

[A]

Buffalo. Nothing. I got that shuffle. Oh, you ever. You ever put two words together? They call out a mashup, man. It's Mark Shuffalo.

So was he in the crowd for your show? I'm trying to do it. I'm shuffling every. I'm shuffling Mark Shuffalo. He's got a dancing show. The Mark Ruffalo Shuffalo and Super Bowl Shuffle. Just. It came out 25 years ago, 40 years ago. And then you're looking at the fridge and I'm a rookie. I may be large but I'm no dumb cookie See me hit you, see me run. We've got a documentary coming about the Super Bowl Shuffle. Maybe it's time Frank got the makeup.

[B]

On. I'll tell you.

[A]

What. And did all of his people doing that Super Bowl Shuffle, that'd be the beginning and end of everything right there, man. Yeah, that's the full circle. And then you just drop the mic. Gary Fencik. Hitman. Yeah, they call me Hitman. Don't know what they mean. I tell you what they mean. That's back when football's real. You used to get the hit, guys. Steve Fuller, backup quarterback, was Gruden in your audience. And then you're like, yeah. So he watched the whole show. And then you said, come here. Yeah, I said, some people, they had to know he was there. Yeah, but.

Well, he was there. Tim Legler was there at that show. Wow. It was pretty. It was pretty cool.

Seven foot one. Jim McIlvaine was there. Yes. This is all in Tampa. Yeah. They're just hanging Anderson, the guy who beat. He was with Fairleigh Dickinson University.

[B]

That.

[A]

Beat.

Purdue when they were the number one seed. Don't remember that at all. Oh, and.

[B]

Basketball. That's.

[A]

Right. NCAA tournament. Yeah. So it was a lot of. That's right. I mean, I invited all of them. Sure. They're the only four that.

[B]

Showed.

[A]

Yeah. There's a lot of people. People. They're always open invitation. But those guys show, and then you call Gruden up on stage. He kept telling me. He's like, we should do something together. You think your fans would like if we did something together? I think they would. I'm like, I'll tell you what, man. I think they would. And he got up there and had me do. He kind of takes over. He's like, I always wanted to do play by play, but I'm an analyst, so I'm gonna do play by play. And you're gonna. Frank here as you. Frank. Right. He's gonna do other people that I tell him to be. Oh, so he did it, like. And he worked you through it? Yeah, yeah. Was it. And he wants to do, like, stage shows like that. He wants to.

[B]

Travel. Let's go on the road.

[A]

Frank. Take it on the road. Just be pretty good. If Adam Ray can make a year and a half out of Dr. Phil, you and Jon Gruden can fill a couple of places. Yeah, the Dueling Gruden Pianos for no reason. We got two pianos. You play the piano. I don't play the piano. I'll tell you what, though. We're gonna get some hot ladies to lay down on these suckers. Some Hooter waitresses. Man.

I'd pay for that right now. We should have saved this for. I'm telling. We're on the air, though, for the show. We can still do it. Oh, we'll do it. Sure. The show that you're on. I thought we were saying that. Oh, we can if you want. I haven't told the New Year's. Oh, you haven't? Well, I told now. Well, you're on it. That's fine. But I haven't told anybody the special. Why is New Year's Eve at the Tempe? New Year's Eve at the Tempe Improv. 6 and 8pm 6 and 8:30. So you can be in bed before. Yeah, you don't need all that nonsense. I don't like the late night. My shows always fill up earlier anyway. Six New Year's Eve. Eight New Year's Eve. So you can finish up at 8:30. Yeah. And so at 8:30 you'll be done by 10:30? 11. Yeah. And then you gotta. I think it's the New York New Year's Eve. Perfect. So yeah, you can do New Year's at Tempe Improv with Frank. You can get tickets to Tempe Improv.com. that's a good. That's good because you can start your night with something because they're always trying to kill time. Time from like 6 to 11. Yeah, that's a perfect way to have like a great. And in Wisconsin, we used to go see the Globe Trotters. I'm doing this group Trotters man. Curly Neil, he could dribble on one knee. That was your family's New Year's Eve. We went a couple times. The Globetrotter basketball. Then home. Some shrimp. Well, I just calling. Some food. Yeah, I just assumed you guys ate a lot of shrimp. Small. That would be smelt. Smelt Milwaukee, baby. Food for baby people. Yeah, like little people. Baby people. It looks big in your hands. Like a stage. Yeah, yeah. And then you had some champagne and everybody went to bed. But it was after a regaling night with the Curly Neil and Meadowlock.

[B]

Lemon. Some cheese. Had some cheese.

[A]

Too. Meadowlark was gone by then. It was.

Probably after Metal Art got in a fight with the Globetrotters, came here and started the Harlem All Stars. Oh, they came on our show. Curly was part of it, but he couldn't walk. So he was just there because they were mad. So he asked if I'd be on the other team for the night of the game. I played against Washington. They didn't call them that. They were a YMCA sponsored team. And so they're like, would you want to come play? And I'm like, I'll come out there. I had five points and the very. But walking out there, Metal Arc Lemon Legend is standing next to me before we all run out onto the court. And he goes, hey, man, grab this ball right here. And when we go out there, just fire it up from 3 quarters. Can you hit that? And I'm like, watch this. Yes. And like, I can. I can come close. I probably won't hit it. He goes, yeah, just do it. People love it. He said, if you miss, they laugh and like, that's fine. I'm. I'll take that shot. So I run out there with the ball and I go to do the three quarter. I'm the first one out. Three quarter shot. And it was.

[B]

Weighted. Oh.

[A]

Man. And this thing starts to go wobble 12, 15ft to the right. And I'm watching. I'm like, that ball has a weight in it. And you can't it's not wobbling, but it's not doing stuff right. And it looks like I just threw it at the front row. And he just starts laughing and he gives me two fingers like, you mother. You should have thrown some confetti at him. And then a dude who smelled like weed named Skywalker jumped over me. Was it Kenny Skywalker? No, it wasn't. It was another dude. Different Skywalker. Different Skywalker. Luke. Yeah, it was Luke Skywalker. Yeah. No, he was coming at me and I'm backing up on a break and I just heard him go, move. And I tried to move, but before I could get out of the way, two knees were next to my head. So I just kind of stood still. And when I turned around, he had one arm in the basket and the other arm putting the ball. And he was hanging by his elbows. He could jump that high. I remember the. The guy who took over for.

[C]

Meadowlark.

[A]

Sweet. Louis.

[C]

Dunbar.

[A]

Yeah. Oh, he was great too. He could. He could. He would put his elbows together and throw the three quarter shot. Somehow I think it's a weighted ball. After Metal Art gave me that thing. I think there's a thing. If you just put it close his head. A magnet. It might. That's what I'm saying. Something was in the ball I got. Because I would not drone ball the thing I did. I'm like, no, my hands fall. Followed through this way. At the very least, it would have been within a foot or two. I'm not kidding. 15, 20ft in the air and it's. And everybody's.

[B]

Going. Everyone's.

[A]

Laughing. Ugly yellow jersey. So I made it a point to. I had a three pointer and a layup and I got to box out Robert Parrish. This is all in the entertainment drill. It's entertaining. That is entertaining. Brought to.

[B]

You.

[A]

But. Well, Frank's here. He's going to do the squares with us for promotion. For not only your New Year's Eve show over at 10pm Proud, but you're going to be part of Holmberg after time, which is next Friday, if you can believe it. We gotta get exciting. We just start planning something. Do we know. Are you saying other people that are on? Well, you just kind of did. But no. You can put Lovett's in there. I'm fine with.

[B]

That.

[A]

Nowhere. The special guest. The guest of the year. The reason that my wife wants to come. Exactly. The Frank Kelly reasons. She'll come. The third annual Frank Caliendo Morning sickness. Guest of the year. An award you've never, never.

[C]

Gotten.

[A]

Yeah. And never will. It's named after you, but you've never won it. My namesake. That's right. It's. It's as if Oscar, he came close. It's like you have the entertainment drill.

But it never happens. You just. You're in it, but you're not part of it. It's brought to you by our [e-mail], this entertainment drill that we're going to do. Brady, what do you got for.

[B]

Us?

Let's get to the David Byrne from Talking.

[A]

Heads.

[B]

Yeah. Put together a holiday playlist for people who hate Christmas.

[A]

Music. Oh.

[B]

Geez. We got number one is Santa Claus Never Comes to the ghetto. I like Yellow Man. Fat Man's Coming by David Byrne. He put his own sure song on.

[A]

There. Fat man's comment, something you don't want to.

[B]

Search. Santa is a Gay man by Big.

[A]

Freedia.

Now give him a listen, Brett, and we'll. We'll take your word for.

[B]

It. Yeah, I've been a good girl. Macy. Macy.

[A]

Gray. Nobody wants to hear her sing. That's a fun list. Yeah, that is a fun list. That's a great one. You guys want to hear Fat Man Coming Never.

[B]

Ever.

And the mass scene is returning on January.

[A]

7Th. How are you not laughing at John Madden? Just firing a load at us here on the radio. Got a little on you over there. And boom. Did somebody get a towel? It's Merry Christmas. Fat man.

[B]

Coming.

[A]

Now. Here's a guy getting an old.

[B]

Fashioned. I got.

[A]

Float.

Here's a towel. Merry Christmas.

All right, finish it up.

Got a little on the ornament there. That's a tree.

[B]

Top. January 7th, there will be an Ozzy Osbourne tribute.

[A]

Night. Oh, okay. For who on the Masked Singer? Yeah, wait, like, Anna Gastire is going to sing Ozzy songs in a.

[B]

Mask. They don't say.

[A]

Who. Oh, we know.

[B]

Who. Kelly's gonna be out there as a guest judge. No, but they've got some new costumes. They've said they're gonna.

[A]

Have. They asked you to do that ever? Massive. No. Wife Swap wasn't that one that they asked me. They wanted me to do the celebrity wife swap. And I was one of the managers at the company was like, trying to talk me into it and I almost got talked into it. And then I found out I was the country bumpkin family. It was a New York model and I was the loser family. And I was like, see, this is why you don't do this. This is the never gonna happen matchup of Frank with the super 6 foot 3 inch New York model. Listen, I already got my model. And then you're. Exactly. And then your wife would go off with some handsome man. Yeah, Mary with a six foot model. And that was the real threat of that show is that you'd lose twice. Yeah, the whole thing is Shrek.

All right, let's finish that up. We got the Guadalupe Squares here. Quick one. We believe we have.

After Dark tickets. I think that's something we've got. So you can come to the show next week. By the way, those tickets are almost all sold out completely. So Homework After Dark's available somewhere. 98kpd.com you can go over to, I don't know, CB Live. Is that what it's called or something? No, no.

[C]

No. That's.

[A]

Right. Stand Up Live. I don't know where it is. This. I'll figure it all out next week. That's when I do stuff. But yeah, we'll give those and crew tickets. How about that? All right, good. You can win those. We need a boy, we need a girl. 585 9, 800 and we'll play the Squares next. Arizona's most powerful, powerful rock radio station.

You thought that was funny?

You were laughing like a hyena when he said it. What the hell is wrong with you?

All right, let's get this thing going, shall we? It is time now for your Frank Calienda Guadalupe Squares. Frank is here on New Year's Eve at Tempe Improv. If you want to go temp. Improv.com, that's where that is. And you can go see Frank there also. Frank might be a part. It depends on scheduling, I'm guessing. No, I'll be there. Just a very small part that won't interfere with anything. No, you will see that the TV news. He just promotes himself. New Year's Eve at 10pm that's what I'll do is I'll just be there doing a promotion when it gets uncomfortable, just promote you. That'll be next Friday at Stand Up Live downtown. Homework After Dark. We'll be part of that deal right there. Easy peasy. Look who's here. It's Corey Thriller Walsh. Hi there. And Corey, we want you for the Goliath Expedition. We're gonna. We're gonna make you walk places challenge and we're gonna. Not too far, please. No, no, like the Circle K. It's maybe three quarters of a mile. Yeah, it's not terrible. Grab Coke and come back. Okay. Mile and a half because the Goliath expedition is 30,000 miles. You have to consider if we're doing times here. Am I doing a 12 pack or just a single can? 12 over. Okay. You bring it. You're coming back into a case of coke. Okay. The Goliath Expedition. It's going to slow me down. Yeah. Thrillers. Goliath Expedition, which will be themed, by the way, the constant theme song. And as. As he's walking, we should have you hold the speaker as well that plays this. You should do a in ear monitor so you just hear me huff and puff. Oh, that would be great. So that'll happen next year, 2026. Look forward to that. That's all we've got planned right now, but that's pretty good. To kick off our 25th year. HMS mornings and midnight days. More time. Yeah. And nights. And tomorrow, as we monitor Cory's trek all the way to the circle K. We need to get them in on it. Oh, yeah, is that amp or whatever. We need them to sponsor Cory's big walk. And like, we also need like the, like, I don't know, a tent store to give us some stuff. So when he has to pitch a tent and wait and sleep off the night, why you pinch a tent? Okay. I don't need that. I bet you can.

Gross. Come on, man. It's time now for your Guadalupe squares with Frank Caliendo. Here's your host, Mr. Thriller Walsh Diller. Thank you, Chancellor. Let's begin in top left square with the Lovitzes. Hey, guys. True, I. Hey, I'm right here. There's no reason for you to talk while I talk. I've got it. I was pausing. Oh, hey, Frank. I give you. I'm still pausing. Are you here for the thing next Friday with a homebrew? Holmgren? I love him. Yeah, he's the best. I want him to, but I like Megan better. Oh, no. Yes. Take it back. She's mine.

Acting, acting. Yeah. We'll see you next week at the big show. That should be fun. Is he gonna be there? Corey? Yes. Yeah. Sitting in the front row. There's ramps now. He can get in.

The best ability is availability. Oh, they're gonna say disability.

No, no, that was. Why would I say that to you? Why would the best ability being no ability. I'd tell you to leave, but I want to watch that for the next 10 minutes. Fair enough. I got a question for the both of you here. No, you don't. We haven't started the game yet, so. Right. I got.

[B]

Excited.

[A]

Ha. Top middle square here. Dick Vital and Charles Barkley. Oh, he's a diaper dandy, baby. He doesn't know what the game does anymore. Awesome, baby. Awesome. It's incredible how bad this guy is at his job job. We're doing a game together soon, aren't we, Chuck? It's going to be. It's going to be really, really good. But let's stick with Cora for a second. Awesome, baby. He's the. No, he's Bradley Beal. That's all.

He's always hurt. He's an Eminem, baby. A mismatch. An Eminem. That's a good one. Melts in your mouth, not in your hands, knucklehead. That's really, really good. I'm trying some of those dips of. Dude, that's a real diaper dandy. Sack had a real diaper dandy. I had poo in my diapers. Cause I used to get abused by my wife. I'm the face of male domestic violence. Everyone should feel sorry for me. Oh, my God. It's taking a turn. That's a really. It's really, really bad. This is worse than those big old ladies in San Antonio. That's who beat up Shaq. So afraid of those ladies. They're huge. They come after me with their sticks and their big asses and their fists and fears here and screaming in Spanish if you're a sack fu. Come on, knucklehead. Why do you think I hang out with the general all the time? I need military support.

At a discounted rate. I haven't done dick vital in 20 years, baby. I don't even know if it's good. It's incredible. He's got a little bit of that. There's a little bit of. He's had the. The cancer of the throat. Oh, yeah, that's why you got it. You're doing domestic abuse. You're talking domestic abuse is. Is funnier than cats. Not in this one, baby, Nothing. The only thing worse than sauce on your face is sauce on your chin, baby.

I did the really high pitch when you did the Sinatra one. It all equals out. All right, guys. Shaq just got it in his little old man's blue eyes. Come on, Knucklehead.

All right, over now, top right square. President Trump. Hello, sir. I didn't even know I was here. I didn't know we're part of it. Did you know we're part of it? I knew it was gonna be here. I was busy watching the video game called Earth where I blow up all the boats that are heading our way. There's a lot of boats. But I should say this. There were a lot of boats. There's not a single lot. Well, have you ever played Battleship? Yeah, I just sunk yours. And I'll sing it again. And if you're hanging on the side, begging for life, I'm sinking that, too. Nobody ever did that. You know, in Battleship. No one ever did that, though. You sunk my battleship. And then the other guy should say, is there anyone left? And then you go G5 to get the guys sitting next to the boat that used to be there. That's a great move. And you know what we did? We just played Connect four. And I'm sorry. That's a lot of board games.

You know what that's called? Yes. Life. Life. Another game. You're good at.

[B]

That. You can be a loser at the game of.

[A]

Life. Blow up your boat. We can do it all. What? Corey? Yes?

What was your piece in.

[B]

Monopoly? What was.

[A]

It? A thimble? I would have guessed it was just the shoe. He only needs.

[B]

One. I was gonna say a.

[A]

Crutch. And then I go out and I find. I find a porn star, and I play a little Candyland. You know what I'm saying? I go down on that, and I chow down on the candy, take the thimble and play shoots and ladders. Daddy's going down, down, down to Epstein Island. We're having fun at the island.

Whose thought was.

[B]

That?

[A]

You?

Guilty. Little snort there. A little blow. A little blow. I can do anything I want. I'm president of whatever I want to do. I'm president of the earth. Have you ever been president? I have not.

[B]

No. I wasn't.

[A]

Dead. I'm.

[B]

Dead.

[A]

Oh. Did you see me sleeping yesterday during Marco's. Marco's big speech. Had a big speech. I decided to take a little nap. A big speech. Speech for a little.

[B]

Guy. That's why I took a little.

[A]

Nap. Took a little nap. But here's what I know. He's one of the safe ones. And I knew nothing was gonna happen. I like watching Mexicans get chased by ice. Not talking. So, Marco Rubio. That was a boring speech. I think I would have done a lot better. Cubano. Cubano, Lizzie. Cubano. Doesn't matter if he's here legally or not. Doesn't matter where you're from. I'll send you home if he's on the boat. Still getting blasted. Take that. Karate chop. Is there anyone left? Got him. That was kind of close to you, sir. Be careful. Great job, Exe. Great job. I'm like the Matrix. Call me Neo Trump. Let me have the joystick. I'm gonna. I'm taking down the. But look at I. That one's mine. Put it on the board. Yes. I have to say, the sound.

[B]

Effects make it so much.

[A]

Better. Carlton. Look at that little one swimming. Oh. Oh, Dios meo. Oh, dios mio. Look at him.

I lost air. Get to the next square over. Now we got the middle left square. Berman and Stephen A. Together. ESPN Legends. I understand where you're coming from with this soliloquy. You know, I used to be the highest paid employee at espn years.

[B]

Ago.

[A]

Caucasian? No, I was that as well.

Black, white or otherwise, I was the highest paid employee. Now, now, not so much. Not much at all. In fact, you took it all. And I was going to quote you directly. Nobody circles the bank fault like Stephen.

Well, blow me down. I understand. Blow me down. I'm strong to the finish. Cause I eats me spinach. I'm Popeye the sailor man. A sailor man.

I'm Papa Ace Baylor Smith. All right. Hot take on olive oil. I understand that, tiny little lady. You know, we could do this. And you could be Papa. And I could be Bluto on the other side being Bluto. And I think that could work out for both of us. I get it. I'm contemplating it right now and trying to understand in vocifer. Vociferance. I don't know what that means. Neither do I. Nobody knows. It's just words that you make up, and people pay you more for.

[B]

It.

[A]

I. The source Size. There's a big word when you go.

[B]

Curly. I.

[C]

Can'T.

All.

[A]

Right. Cory's rumbling, bumbling, stumbling. But when I say it about him, it's sad.

He could. He could go all the way. But he's not going to. He's not going to do it. He's not going to make it. Say what you wish, but nobody circles. Nobody circles in circles. More than 40. Like, you get stuck. Their foot is like it's nailed to the earth. I saw.

It's a pivot foot. And where'd he go to school? Somewhere with ramps?

Nope, not Louisville. Where did you go to school? Let's see. High school was Hamilton. Didn't ask that. Nobody cares. Everyone went to high school. Or asu, actually. Oh, I'm sorry. I'll talk slower. I would say ASU need to keep moving in this game, Stephen. ASU.

Doing them all. All right, go ahead. Over. Now, the middle square. F. Deaf Brady.

Got any better? But in the last month, I've lost my Hearing pretty much the whole.

[B]

Way. What do you think?

[A]

Yeah. I don't. It's a matter of time before the Brain Report.

What? I haven't heard this. What? I haven't tell you. Haven't heard it. Think about me.

I haven't heard anything on this show for over a month and a half.

[B]

What?

[C]

What?

[A]

What? Anyway, how was your day? I'm not.

[B]

Gay. Okay, you're.

[A]

Gay. Okay. Could you hop along?

All right. Over at 2pm I just realized. Is Charlie there too? It's Charlie. It's a lot of us. It's a raspy Charlie. And.

[B]

Fencing. There's a slight.

[A]

Difference. I don't want to break. Come on.

Oh, my.

[B]

Gosh. They are.

[A]

Twins.

Look how old I am.

You and I are brothers. I'm the handsome one. I can't hear you. Write it down. It's time for the Brady Report. Report it. I'm reporting it.

John Holmberg's morning sickness. The 98 KUPD. Holmberg's morning sickness. All right, Go. All right. Middle right square. John Gruden up. I tell you what.

[B]

Man. Move on. They've heard this one.

[A]

Enough.

[B]

Go. All.

[A]

Right. You're the call, sir. Now over to me at Bottomless Square. Brady Secrets Grand. Give us a.

[B]

Hint. How you fellas doing? I'm 69 years old. All right. I'm from French. French Lick.

[A]

Indiana. Oh, number 33. Yeah, man, you sound.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

Never. Yeah, it's uncanny. He Blackish. Listen up.

[B]

Okay. Never put a white man to guard.

[A]

Me. Yeah. It's a waste of time. Okay. Sort of the.

[B]

Quote. That's fair.

[A]

Enough. Bottom of the square now. Tracy. Morgan Freeman. I'm Tracy Morgan. And I don't know if you're introduced to my brother. Have I. Have I ever brought my brother with me? He lost the family. He's kind of straight from the family. Ain't that right? His name's Tracy, too. But he left the family. He's no longer Morgan, he's Tracy Mormon. I'm out there doing good things for.

[B]

People. Oh, that's.

[A]

Nice. I'm bringing the word of the God. Whichever one it is. The one that we worship. You always talking about a guy named Joseph Smith? Joe Smith. Used to always owe me money. Stood on the corner, 34th and high. Right. And he was the one who had the money for me at Bed Stuy. But I was afraid to go to him. And now you worship him. I got it. And I got a new character. Yes. Yeah. I'm Brian Fellowship. You can join me.

He always says he wants to go out for the blow. But they's talking about that horn from Gabriel. I always go out, wait for that horn to blow, too. I want someone named Gabriel to blow me. Is that Fluffy? Well, I'm tithing. He's out there. Tithing. Tracy Mormon tithing. I got tithed once. And then Walmart tithed about $2 billion to me after they ran me over in New Jersey. Gosh. But you know what? You can't eat tithe pods. I. That's true. I tried that once. I tithe pods. This kid gave me his tithe and stuff. And I bought pots with and I ate those. And the next thing you know, I was making bottles. Yeah. And he. Then you turn into Rob Gronkowski. It's crazy, it's scary, but we'll make it work. It's all right, though. Cause I'm gonna get him pregnant. And to make little Mormon babies. Somebody's gonna get soaked.

We're gonna soak, Tracy. Mormon's gonna soak with you. Oh, man. With them Tide pods, you're gonna come out cleaner. Yeah, we're gonna be cleaner than the end of this break. That's what Toledo's trying to get. Too eat too many top rats. He ejaculate soap. Mr. Clean. No, come on. Ain't no Mr. Clean. I show you. It's in a dirty place. This is so much different than the way I do it. It is different, but that's because we're different people doing different things to different stuff. Like I like the butt. Now the world don't move to the beat of just one drum. What might be right for you May not be right for some. A man is born and he likes it in the butt. He's called my brother Tracy, and he's portrayed by Frank Alando because he likes it in the bomb. He likes them just playing crazy. Don't like it in the.

[B]

Butt. Different.

[A]

Soaks. This sounds like he's taking one of my songs. Frank Caliendo Takes it in the butt. Takes it in the butt. All right, now, bottom right square. Oh, my God. There's another square. Reeb. We haven't even started the stupid game yet. Geez. Yeah. Hello, sir. How are you? Hi, Corey. Hey, remember how fast my square went? Real fast. Now I think you're right. Me too.

[C]

Two. Move.

[B]

On.

[A]

Okay. And I know people say that to you faster, but we mean it. Yeah. Yeah. That's groovy. Doing it, man. Reeb. Trip.

[B]

Gruden. Trip.

[A]

Yeah. Grip. All right, we've got Tiffany and Don. Tiffany, are you there? I am. Don, are you there? Yes, I am. All right, Tiffany, you're a girl. Pick a square guy up. I will pick Larry Bird in the bottom left.

[B]

Larry. You got me.

[A]

Baby. The Birdman.

[B]

Exits. The squ was too.

[A]

Easy. Just impersonation. One to one, same height and everything. Yeah, that was pretty dead on. I mean, that was such a good impression.

Go ahead and make a choice. I love Barry L.

Don. Larry Bird. Yes, we already did that. Pick a square.

No, no, no, no. Let's go with. Where was Death Brady at? In the center. We can go with.

[B]

That.

[A]

What? Yeah, let's go with Death Brady. Okay, that's not big for me. Sounds like you have extended family there. Death Brady. Hi, Doc, how are you?

That's exactly what I hear all the time. Nothing. Don, are you there? Yes, I.

[B]

Am.

[A]

What? He's.

[B]

Crapping.

[A]

What? You know what? This guy might be a square next time. How is it I got hit by a truck and I'm still quicker than you? I'm talking to Corey. I dodged a.

[B]

Bullet. I dodged a.

[A]

Bullet. I dodged a bullet. Tracy couldn't dodge the.

[B]

Truck. That's the.

[A]

Difference. I have a question for Brady real quick. Go ahead. Bananas are safely radioactive. True or false? I own radio on the show, in the.

[B]

Radio.

[A]

Bandanas. Bandanas on the radio. It doesn't make no sense.

What? Yeah. Bananas on my safety. Okay. Yeah. Do you agree or disagree? That's what I heard. Okay. Okay.

Why is everyone making laughing faces? Quietly.

There's nothing funnier than only people. We could laugh. Laughing, pantomiming laughter.

What are you saying, true or false to that? I'm saying true or f false to that. What are the other true or false. I don't mean others. I'll tell you that that is false. Bananas are not.

[B]

Radioactive.

[A]

Okay. Have an open mind.

You have Wetland tickets. My dance, by the way. Oh, sorry. I kind of look like Charlie. All right, there. Don Brady said false. Do you agree or disagree degree that that bananas are not radioactive. The statement is that they are. And Brady said false. James, which one of us is deaf?

I'm agree with Brady. Well, that's incorrect. Sometimes he hits the center. Well, it's not fair. I couldn't hear him. All right, now, Tiffany, you can go to Trump for the win here.

[B]

Which. That's always my.

[A]

Winning. What a phrase. Trump for the win. Just like 2016. 20, 20, 24. And the only difference is those were.

[B]

Trump. Trump.

[A]

Won. Pestage. That's right. And now you're winning. You're winning for the.

[C]

Win. Every.

[A]

Day. Browns in a boat Bye bye bye bye now Bye.

[B]

Bye. That's why I love alliteration.

[A]

Alliteration. Browns in a boat Bye bye bye bye baby. Bye bye bye. Browns in a boat Bye bye. There's one hanging for dear life on the edge of some rubble like Jack from Titanic. Bye bye bye bye. Great job. Egg that. Great job. We're getting rid of all the Venezuelans, starting with Fernando. We got rid of him and I said that's. We get rid of him, we get rid of the rest of the Venezuelos. He can't throw anymore. He can't throw anymore. That's too big of a wind up, too big of a way. He couldn't do it. And today you'd run on them all day, run on him all day just like they're trying to run on us. And guess what? Guess what. Bye bye.

Someone just fired up of a bunch bass boat. Let's see what we can do with it. Eggie. There you go. That's what we'd have done. The Titanic, all those immigrants sinking on those doors. It would have been. It would have been over in about three minutes. If I was president back then, I would have killed them all. I would have just ended it. Look at them go. Look at, there's Jack and there's Rose. They're not going to make it to America, are they? Don't like boats filled with drugs coming.

[B]

Here. Go.

[A]

Ahead. I got a question for you here. The moon is wider than Australia, true or.

[B]

False? False. The moon is wider than.

[A]

Australia. Australia is pretty wide. It's very big. Wide. Very much like America, only too far away.

[B]

Wide. The.

[A]

Outback. That's right, the outback. Not a good steak. No, I was gonna say Trump's got that bad drumstick's. Better than the number one stake in America and the world. And the moon. The moon. The moon.

[B]

People. The moon people said to me.

[A]

They said, said, can we come to.

[B]

Your. To your.

[A]

Planet? I said, no. They said, well, can we come to your.

[B]

Country? And they said, you can't. You can't fit in that.

[A]

Country. We've got too many.

[B]

People. We got too many people for our.

[A]

Country. So you stay as a moon.

[B]

Person and you just eat your.

[A]

Cheese. And then they started to come over and I said, heggy, take the moon people. We don't need moon people. Aim for the man in the moon. That's right. I don't like it. He's looking at me. It's surveillance. It's. I don't. Chinese spies. The Moon. It's like a balloon. Get it out of here, man. In the moon. No more. Bye bye, Heggy. Hey, Got.

[B]

Him.

[A]

Heggy. Eggy. Hecky. That's a new vocal take right there. I got him. All right. I guess the moon is not wider than Australia. The moon is very.

[B]

Big. All.

[A]

Right. Australia is not. You are saying, I think moon is less wide. Less wide. Like Chris Christie is wider than the moon, but not Australia. Chris Christie, so fat. Rosie o'. Donnell. Big, fat, big. Wider than the mood. That piggy, that reporter little piggy. They could all fit inside of him just like Russian nesting dolls. That's right. I'll say that's false. There's no way.

You'Re saying false. You know, Tiffany for the win. Do you agree or disagree? He's saying that. That the moon is not bigger than Australia. They are saying it is. I'm the president. I'm looking at the answer saying, I'm looking at the moon right now. In fact, I'm going there Friday. I'm gonna be there to get the answer.

[B]

Correct. X gets a square and a clean.

[A]

Sw. I came all the way down and introduced you to my brother. We didn't get.

[B]

Picked.

[A]

Racism. Never getting picked. We don't never get picked. Tracy Mormon. That's right. But we have to. We have to still love everyone. That makes me want to cuss. Do it for me, Tracy Mormon. Oh, gosh. Down sat in a ditch.

I just take different words and you take the rhythm of whatever. You turn it into a sentence instead of, you know what I'm supposed to say. I said, God, down sat in a ditch. I think I want to be Mormon, too, because I was just told they're into polygamy.

They get to marry everybody, get them all pregnant. That's great. Do you have lots of little baby years? I do. Tons of baby me. And then we get all sorts of people running on the freeways. And Walmart don't stand a chance. We gonna make a function. We're gonna be Sam's Club.

Keep sweet. That's what them Mormons say. I'm gonna be like one DJ Jazzy Jet. And I'm gonna be the French prince. Aw.

This is a story all about how my life got turned upside down. Sit right down. Listen to our tale about how my brother went over and got some more Mateo.

I don't remember that song. I was four.

But I know something about Uncle Phil. Yeah, me, too. My auntie and uncle said, put this crazy underwear on. Go bang some girls.

This is gonna be the next Hour. The Fresh Mormon of Bel Air.

We're doing it. It's already in production. This is the thing. I think it might be done. Turn your TV on. Tell me if it's there. It's already streaming. It's streaming right now. Just like me and all them Mormon girls on.

[B]

Amazon.

[A]

On. Oh, that's right. Get yourself one of them Mormon underwears and wipe your face off. You look like a pig.

Knock, knock. Who's there? The end of the show. Okay.

Anyway, that's. That the one. Boy, I didn't know. Dimitri Martin did so many voices. Demitri was great. He's. He's. Tonight you can go see Stand Up Live. Christmas show. He's doing his Christmas Christmas show. It's.

[B]

Songs. It's just a whole.

[A]

Show. It's like Christmas jokes in song. Yeah. Singing. He's just gonna sing. No, that's it. He said he was material. Yeah, songs. Material. He's doing standards and covers. No, it's an interesting idea. Chris Kringle takes it in the butt. I know.

Chestnuts roasting on your Open fire. Jack's nuts roasting on your nose.

Mistletoads being sung by the choir. What's the rest of that? Herpes. Christmas. That's right. Oh, no.

I gotta decorate my warts. Does that get you out of holiday pictures? Holidays. And I got little red dots all over my pubis, dashing through my Coke.

People say, you gotta do some holiday shopping. Get over the Walmart. And that triggers me. I just lay on the ground and shake like Shaq around his wife.

I don't know if I believe anything he says anymore. I'm done. That's enough. Are you, though? Nice job, kid. Thank you. Listen to this. What are you doing this weekend? This weekend we have ASU men's basketball and NAU basketball. He has to sit in a radio studio and listen to ASU women's basketball. They're very good. They're undefeated. Oh, against one, what, like eight teams at this point? And then what's the other one? NAU basketball. That's men's, though.

Low end radio. College basketball. Oh, it's fine. It isn't. It's why they hide it on that station noise. If it was fun, it would be on a big station. Hey, they agreed to the contract because they know their fault. Gods are so upbeat. I wish I could be more like you. How do I turn it on? Like Corey. It's really difficult. You should do a top 40 show. It'll be. I'm not that funny. I'm having a tremendous day. We're count them down from number 40 to number one. My programmer told me to laugh like this hack did. Anyway, Casey was there, kind of that. And he writes. Dear Corey, Jump. I know my life couldn't be any worse than yours. My servos are not working properly. Do you recommend an oil that won't ruin the.

[B]

Microchip?

[A]

Jeeps. Micro signed. Real human.

Anyway, nice job, Corey. Nobody else got anything this weekend. Wrongburg After Dark next week. Look at you. Thank you. I'll be a part of it. That's right. Frank's gonna be there. Homeburg After Dark tickets. They'll be sold out probably by the end of today, maybe Monday. But they're close. So let's get that thing done. Little pre party over there beforehand. We got that. Homework after dark next Friday, 9:45 at Stand Up Live. Frank's out there at 10pm Prof. For New Year's Eve. Doing two shows that night for everybody before. Before the big champagne pops and Everybody screams. Happy 2026 and we hope for the best. Nice job. Thank you.

[C]

Frank.

[A]

Yeah. Hummingbird just flew right by the window. That's it. Larry's coming up next. You guys have yourselves a glorious weekend. And we'll see you tomorrow. Monday in the Morning Sickness. Arizona's most powerful, powerful rock radio station.