12-08-25 - Football Monday Talk Has John Happy At Another Sad Lamar Press Conference - Woman Has A Disease Where Her Head Isn't Attached To Her Spine

Summary

Holmberg’s Morning Sickness – Episode Summary

Episode date: December 8, 2025
Title: Football Monday Talk Has John Happy At Another Sad Lamar Press Conference - Woman Has A Disease Where Her Head Isn't Attached To Her Spine
Hosts: John Holmberg, Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo

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Episode Overview

This lively Monday morning episode has John Holmberg in a buoyant mood as he recaps a satisfying weekend for his football fandom, fueled mostly by witnessing Lamar Jackson’s latest emotional press conference after a Ravens loss. The show jumps between comedic sports talk—mainly centered around NFL and college football controversies—and a bizarre, darkly funny medical oddity about a woman who lived for decades with her head barely attached to her spine. The familiar crew banters about holiday parties, Arizona suburban sprawl, the changing meaning of college football, NFL rivalries, and finds ample material for over-the-top jabs at both local and national characters. The blend of improv rants, storytelling, and relentless ribbing stays true to the show’s irreverent, boundary-pushing brand.

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Key Topics & Insights

The Perils of Suburban Holiday Parties

• [01:19–05:53]
• John relives the ordeal of attending a Christmas party in distant Queen Creek, Arizona, joking that people should have to live centrally if they want to host parties.
• Quote:
  “You live too far away from people to ever have gatherings was exactly what I wrote in the Christmas card.” – John, [03:01]
• He describes enjoying the party (and its golf simulator/golden tee live), but reiterates his affection "has boundaries"—namely, long commutes.
• Everybody jokes about irrational real estate decisions and the pain of enduring long drives for otherwise enjoyable gatherings.

Ranting Against Modern College Football

• [05:53–12:09]
• John and the crew bemoan how the new playoff system "ruined" the high-stakes nature of rivalry and championship games in college football.
• They criticize starters playing in meaningless games before playoffs and reminisce about when every game was do-or-die.
• Quote:
  “Nothing means anything... The college football has screwed up everything.” – John, [07:16]
• They lampoon “loser teams” finding joy in minor bowls, especially poking fun at Rutgers and those still excited by the “Independence Bowl.”
• Quote:
  “If your goal was, ‘Golly, we got to go to the Independence bowl,’ you’re on a loser team. Enjoy Rutgers.” – John, [11:31]
• Discussion turns to how blueblood programs (e.g., Notre Dame) now opt out of lesser bowls, recognizing their lack of significance.

NFL Roundup and Lamar Jackson/Baltimore Ravens Meltdown

• [12:23–23:59]
• Holmberg revels in another disappointing post-game press conference by Lamar Jackson, calling his press appearances both comedic and pathetic.
• Quote:
  “He’s the ugliest man in the history of sports. I’m gonna go ahead and say... name an uglier man in sports than Lamar.” – John, [14:39]
• Extended riff on Lamar’s signature “sperm hat” and how it intensifies his unappealing look.
• Quote:
  “Who told him that was a good idea? You should wear a hat that makes you look like a sperm with a little face cozy.” – John, [16:00]
• Multiple callbacks to wishing for Lamar’s sadness and finding immense joy in it.
• Discussion of Cardinals’ woes, team ownership incompetence, and the ongoing futility under the Bidwell family.
• Quote:
  “At a certain point you have to recognize, I don’t think I’m good at this... it’s you, asshole. You’re the problem.” – John, [24:32]
• Audience is encouraged to give up on the Cardinals and return when the ownership changes.

Football Rivalries and Schadenfreude

• [23:06–26:52]
• John and others enjoy wallowing in their divisional rivals’ pain. Happy to see Packers/Bears misery, Chiefs out of the playoffs, and, above all, Ravens fans’ heartbreak.
• Deliver biting takes about Ravens fans’ employability and stereotypes, claiming they’re all "on government help" and “never your boss.”
• Quote:
  “No one knows a Raven fan. Like, no, there’s no decent person with... you don’t work with a Raven fan because they’re all on government help.” – John, [26:52]

Bizarre Medical Story: The Woman Whose Head Wasn't Attached

• [27:48–34:50]
• John shares a jaw-dropping article about Caitlin Brooks, a young woman who lived 20+ years with undiagnosed hypermobile Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (HEDS), meaning her head was not structurally attached to her spine.
• Details her symptoms (chronic illness, dizziness, vomiting, etc.), the long path to diagnosis, and how close she was to “internally decapitating” herself from minor trauma.
• Quote:
  “Her jugular vein is one of the things that's holding her head on... all the stuff... it's like everything I fix at my house. Don't touch it. It looks right, but it isn't. It's gonna fall apart.” – John, [29:25]
• The segment is peppered with gallows humor, imagining sexual scenarios, Dateline murders, and joking about “mouth hugs” gone awry.
• Quote:
  “Don't grab that ponytail. You'll have a head in your hands like... ah!” – John, [32:22]
• Ends with Holmberg wryly praying to “Brady’s God” to grant Lamar Jackson the same malady for maximum comedic effect.
• Quote:
  “Dear Brady’s God, I know you hate Baltimore... Could you please maybe throw some heads at Lamar, if you don’t mind, and just put that on him... his little sperm hat stays on his head, and that’s how we last see him.” – John, [33:55]

Final Bits, Callbacks, and Show Close

• [34:50–37:19]
• Rapid-fire jokes about if the syndrome is contagious, flying sufferers to Baltimore, and musing about gently keeping affected fans off stage at Holmberg After Dark.
• Jokes about the joy of a “Lamar-crying Monday,” prepping for the week’s final push before holidays, and crowd-sourced wake-up song requests.

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Notable Quotes

| Timestamp | Speaker | Quote | |-----------|---------|-------| | 03:01 | John | “You live too far away from people to ever have gatherings was exactly what I wrote in the Christmas card.” | | 07:16 | John | “Nothing means anything... The college football has screwed up everything.” | | 11:31 | John | “If your goal was, ‘Golly, we got to go to the Independence bowl,’ you’re on a loser team. Enjoy Rutgers.” | | 14:39 | John | “He’s the ugliest man in the history of sports. I’m gonna go ahead and say... name an uglier man in sports than Lamar.” | | 16:00 | John | “Who told him that was a good idea? You should wear a hat that makes you look like a sperm with a little face cozy.” | | 24:32 | John | “At a certain point you have to recognize, I don’t think I’m good at this... it’s you, asshole. You’re the problem.” | | 26:52 | John | “No one knows a Raven fan. Like, no, there’s no decent person with... you don’t work with a Raven fan because they’re all on government help.” | | 29:25 | John | “Her jugular vein is one of the things that's holding her head on... it's like everything I fix at my house. Don't touch it. It looks right, but it isn't. It's gonna fall apart.” | | 32:22 | John | “Don't grab that ponytail. You'll have a head in your hands like... ah!” | | 33:55 | John | “Dear Brady’s God, I know you hate Baltimore... Could you please maybe throw some heads at Lamar, if you don’t mind, and just put that on him... his little sperm hat stays on his head, and that’s how we last see him.” |

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Segment Timestamps

• [01:19–05:53] – Queen Creek party struggles; suburban complaints, holiday rants
• [05:53–12:09] – College football playoffs, tradition vs. meaninglessness
• [12:23–23:59] – NFL weekend, Lamar Jackson mockery, Cardinals dysfunction
• [23:06–26:52] – Rival fan schadenfreude, Ravens fans stereotyping
• [27:48–34:50] – The woman whose head wasn’t attached: dark humor meets medical oddity
• [34:50–37:19] – Closing jokes, upcoming week, show wrap-up

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Tone and Style

Irreverent, fast-paced, and audaciously unfiltered—Holmberg and crew maintain their signature blend of locker-room banter, topical jabs, and black comedy. The episode is packed with local sports references, recurring bits, and outright absurdity, all meant to "entertain, question, and disturb," as promised in the show’s mission.

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For listeners who missed the episode:
Expect classic HMS: heavy football banter, hilarious takedowns of rivals, brutally honest takes on Arizona culture, and a distinctly wild riff on very strange medical news. The balance of outrageous humor with offbeat storytelling makes this a memorable Monday show, offering laughs even if you didn’t catch every sports score or medical term.

Transcript

[A]

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Holmberg's Morning Sickness. The old method of treatment for a person in this condition was to throw him in jail.

My. My cock's broken. It's just bro. There it is. Fix it. Go. There he is. Ah, I got nervous. We had no cock.

Took a little while but he came back. Good morning everybody. Hello there. Welcome. Yeah, just took a little fluffing. Brady. We wouldn't go. Had to play with it for a second. Finally works. Do my job. It's 5:45. Happy Monday everybody. My name's John. There's Brady, there's Brett. There's big dick Toledo. Let's go. It is a mid midway through getting out of December before everybody starts doing their crazy stuff. And Christmas parties abound. I went to one on Saturday. I broke every rule in my life.

I went to a Christmas party in Queen Creek, Arizona and Brett wouldn't shut up about tease me. He used to live there. And that's why I know the last time I was in Queen Creek, Arizona was your New Year's Eve party. And I said as I left, no one who lives in Queen Creek, Arizona should be allowed to have a party and invite anyone from outside of Queen Creek. No Christmas party like no office Christmas party. If you're centrally located. If your office is in Tempe, let's say you work over at the ADP building in Tempe. There's no way you're going to get a memo from HR or your management that says, all right, big company Christmas party. It's in Queen Creek. And have everybody go, hooray. There's not a single person excited about the trek to Queen Creek, even if you live in Mesa.

But I like the person that had the party enough to say, God damn it, I've got to go to Queen Creek. She just told him to move. I did. That's what I wrote in the Christmas card. You live too far away from people to ever have gatherings was exactly what I wrote in the Christmas card. Great house, great people, had a blast. And then I realized, oh, yeah, I'm in Queen Creek and I've got to go home. So an hour later, to get to central Phoenix, I was home. Brutal. What do people do that for? I understand, like, isolating. Like, why did you pick Queen Creek? I understand expense, but. But you didn't put any in your brain of saying, I got to drive out of here every day. I'll never. Well, I love the house. And then when. You know, when you're buying the house and you go out there a couple times a week, you're like, okay, this isn't so bad. It's cool. You've seen your house being built. But then when you do it seven God damn days a week, it's miserable. Oh, yeah, it's so horrible. I didn't realize how far away it was.

But that's what I told him. I said, you have to know, Shane, how much I actually care about you to have done this. And, you know, midway through the party, I thought, man, I don't think I like Shane this much. It was a long drive. That's my affection has boundaries. I don't pass 13 or 14 different great parties to get to your party if you're that far away. You know, I know people who live in New Mexico, and if they had a Christmas party, invited me, I would be like, no, you're too far away. And everyone would understand. Queen Creek. They get offended.

Robert said, queen Creek. What's next? Aj? What do you think? Never. First off, what do I know someone who lives in AJ for? What kind of meth habit have I just started? I know there's nice sections of AJ.

Said the guy who's trying to sell his house to Doug Hopkins. And even Doug's like, I don't know either. Way it was. It was a fun thing. Ended up leaving there because he had a golf simulator and a brand new golden tea live. Oh, I'm sitting in there like I was in a showroom. Like, I gotta get out of here, but I'm gonna buy these. And sure enough, I start making phone calls the next day. Like, I never want to have to drive to Queen Creek to play with those again. Can I have one of them? And they're. They're not too bad. Christmas will be. Johnny, Christmas is already taken care of. We. We made that work, so it's pretty awesome. But thank you to Shane and his beautiful family. And they were awesome. And Kelly and the whole gang, they were really nice. But God damn it, if I couldn't. If I could beg them to move closer, I had to watch the Buckeyes lose. Yeah, well, I was watching a little come over and it was like, yeah, that was no fun for you. But you know what? Here's the good news, Brady. Those games don't matter anymore. It just. It just doesn't matter at all.

We're on our way to our second Natty. Yeah, well, that's what you can say. And it used to matter, and I think it still should. I think college football's error in its ways is to not have what used to be special about it be that you could not lose. You couldn't lose the table. You got to run the table. And then your rivalry games were your. You know, then they added the championship. Your rivalry games for the last game of the year. If you lost that you were out on the national championship, you lose your Big Ten championship. That was. That would have been like, ah, death blow. Now it's like, oh, well, I wouldn't have even played anybody in that. Yeah, Ohio State knew they were going to be in the playoffs. I would have rested my starters. I wouldn't play them. Game was meaningless. I don't know why anybody thought it had some sort of meaning because traditionalists still think of the old way of college. It had no meaning at all. If I was Indiana, I'd arrested that quarterback for sure. He's the only thing they've got other. They get good players. But I mean that dude, I'd rest everybody that. That. The Big Ten, SEC titles. Unless they get to rest now. Yeah, unless you get bounced out of the playoffs from that. The college football has screwed up everything. Nothing means anything. That would have been a. You imagine the ratings thing that would have been had it been one of these two teams isn't going to be in the playoffs, if you lose the Big Ten championship, it would have been huge. Yeah, they had like 25 million people watching. Now it's like, oh, this is just sort of a. You know what it is now? It's the Emirates cup in the NBA. It's a pretend championship. It had no meaning. You're fine. You learned that last year. I hope you didn't even spend five minutes being upset about it. Yeah, no, you can't. It's nothing. A nothing game. No matter what you're upset about play calling and, you know, sure, you can be, but it's at the end of an NFL season, if you're already in the playoffs and you play for the. You know, you're. You're in already and it has. There's no bearing on whether or not you're going to get a home game buy. You just don't start anybody. I watch some of that. I'm like, they're trying. Why? That's dumb. The only thing is, Ohio State fans and Indiana fans should be complaining about is that their coaches trotted out their starters. When I watched the beginning of the game, I'm like, well, this is stupid. Both these teams, they're one and two. They're not. They're not believing.

And everybody still does that. But the pride of. The pride of the. If one of those quarterbacks went down, you'd start hearing it. That's what almost happened in the first series. That's what's going to change those championship games and make them even more meaningless, is one of these teams is going to lose a player that's crucial to the playoff, and they'll be like, from here on out, if we're locked in, I ain't playing any of my starters. I don't have a contract with ABC or ESPN to say I have to put my starters out there. Yeah, I was watching a little bit of it at the party and then later we. We ran off to another party in regular people areas. And then. But yeah, the. I'm watching. I'm like, why does nobody care? Like, this is pointless. So they lose. Big deal. And plus, you're giving away all your play team. You might play again. It's dumb. Yeah, it's stupid. It's flat stupid. You run base defense, put your secondary guys in there and you go, I don't care if we win this game. We'll see you in a couple of weeks. I got enough to recover. Enough time to recover if there was. Yeah, but you gave up the game plan. Those Buckeye alumni would Never let that happen. Yes, they would. Because the Buckeye alumni are going to be phased out soon. For a new generation of fan that understands this is the way it works, not the old way that people are still for some reason hanging on to. Somebody celebrated the Rose bowl birth. Why that means nothing anymore. It was tough not to play this time. I mean, you've won 30 in a row against the team and you're like, sure, because it was Indiana down on that. Indiana is the most losing program in the history of college football. Everybody's won 30 in a row against them. So what? You're still. You're. See, you're good. They got their title. You're an older fella. See, so you're. I know he's upset and I'm trying to talk about it. You're an older fella who still thinks the old way applies. Meant nothing. Yeah. They got their title. And you're right, it doesn't mean nothing. It means out of shape. I'm like, you just. Yeah. There was another guy at the party who was an Ohio State fan. Can't believe this. I'm like, you're fine. Absolutely nothing changed. You're going to be number two in the man made rankings. Ho ho. We might fold the third. You're still going to go to a neutral site and play a playoff game. It's not going to matter. It's not going to matter. And it doesn't. I like what Notre Dame did. If we're not in, we're not playing in any of these stupid balls. And. And I don't blame them. They've got dudes that are going to go pro. Asu. Kenny Dillingham should have said Sunball. El Paso.

No. One of my guys, one of my juniors, rips his Achilles. I'm missing him for next year. I'm not putting him in this meaningless garbage game.

You contractually obligated to play in the Sun bowl for 33rd place. No, no. Get someone else to do it. That's silly. College football still trying to hang on to old traditions and invent some new way and somehow try to mesh them together. And they've mucked it up. The playoff system would work if they actually just called it what it was. Well, I think they're looking at saying maybe we should expand 16. Yeah, more. More teams like Tulane need to be in it. Okay, that's enough. No, you. You win your conference, you go forward, and then you have some actual real, meaningful games. At the end. Nothing mattered. Unless you're on the bubble and you weren't getting in the playoffs without that. It's crazy. Yeah, I liked when Notre Dame just announced it. Like Notre Dame, you're not going to be in the college things. We're going to send you off to the Independence Bowl. I was like the you are. We'll stay right here. We'd rather stay in northern Indiana in a squall that's pretty bad. Then travel to San Diego for your Independence Bowl. Eat a and then they went on God bless, by the way. And then they walked out. They were the smart ones. It is fun, though, if you're like a Miami fan or usc because Notre Dame got bounced. But in the end, Notre Dame made the right choice by telling everybody, all right, well, then I guess we're out. We're not going to grace you with capital bowl week ratings. Some other team enjoy that. Yeah, well, okay. Yeah, if there's a team that enjoys it that they're called losers. If your goal was, golly, we got to go to the Independence bowl, you're on a loser team. Enjoy Rutgers.

Rutgers. They still have people buying tickets to that. Morons.

Disgusting. They say things that are horrible.

It's John Holbrook from the Morning Sickness and football season is in full swing and underdog is the best place to get in on all the action. Playing on underdog is easy. Just pick whether your favorite player is going to go higher or lower on stats like rushing yards, receptions, touchdowns. This week I'm looking at my Steelers and I am selecting Darnell Washington to go higher than one touchdown and hoping that Lamar Jackson goes lower on rushing yards. Download the app today. Sign up with promo code HMS to score a hundred dollars in bonus entries when you play your first $5 underdog make picks win money must be 18 plus, 19 plus in Alabama and Nebraska, 19 plus in Colorado for some games, 21 plus in Arizona, Massachusetts and Virginia and present in a state where underdog fantasy operates terms. Apply the assets.underdogfantasy.com web play and GetTerms DFS underscore. HTML for details. Offer not Val in Maryland, Michigan, New Jersey, New York, Ohio and Pennsylvania concerned with your play? Call 1-800- gambler or visit www.ncpgambling.org. in New York, call the 24.7Hope line at 1-877-8-HOPE NY or text Hope NY 467-369. It's John Holberg here from the Morning Sickness to tell you about my [e-mail] you got something you want to do in that backyard because it's Just not what you want it to be. Make it beautiful with turfmonstersaz.com youm can turf it. You throw in a sport court. You can put pavers, lighting, pergolas, plants, fire pits. You dream it up and they can make it a reality. Turf monsters will turn your backyard into an amazing outdoor space you can use every day of the year. Check it out right now. Turf Monsters AZ.com Holmberg's Morning Sickness. I watched the game earlier this year. I think it was Rutgers playing Ohio state. And the guy said, boy, if you're a Rutgers fan, I'm like, you're talking to nobody. There's nobody out there who's like, running around with the Rutgers colors on. Sure, you went there, but if. If it's a good education, they'd have taught you. Don't waste your money on games of Rutgers football. You're not gonna get any joy out of that in your life. It's silly. And the pros. And I know Brett took a punch yesterday when you beat your rival. And you get to wear your homemade crying Lamar shirts underneath your. Oh, I watched him cry again at the end in that stupid sperm hat he wears. I don't know what he's doing. He's the ugliest man in the history of sports. I'm gonna go ahead and say there's name an uglier man in sports than Lamar have been ugly men in sports. Oh, yeah.

I mean, the first few times I saw Kevin McHale, I thought, that's the ugliest human being alive. And something happened along the way. Kevin got some money, went through the star wash and started to look presentable, although he was ugly. Dennis Johnson, however, might have been the reason why. Because he played next to Kevin and he was the weirdest looking man I've ever seen. Then Sam Cassell came rolling into the league. The alien. He accepted that as his nickname. And it wasn't because he was so foreign to the game, because his head looked like e. T. And he accepted that because he knew. And he had a crank that held and. Yeah, he was. Well, they didn't. They didn't show that on tv. That is true, though. I did see it and you know, it's one of those weird dicks too. It was really long, but the end looked like a weight.

It had like a kettlebell or something. Yeah. What are you doing? That's except no handle kettlebell. It would be like if you have a number it, like 30 or 40. It sort of had like us. If you rounded out the bottom Of a sledgehammer, like a handle and then a ball. This thing was huge. Never seen anything like. Like a ball peen hammer. I guess if you had like a. It was like a massive lollipop. It's just a normal stick. And then this ball. It was the things at the World Trade center in New York. You know those things at the end of men in black that they climb? That big bulbous tops. Oh, yeah, Almost like a water tower. Yeah, it was like. Yeah, like a water tower, only it was upside down. Anyway, nobody's been uglier in football than Lamar Jackson. And I swear I watched the press conference last night. They're like, do you think Isaiah likely had a touchdown? Well, he. Too bad now it's going with him. I thought so, but damn right now. Can't do what, ref? Do what? You're dumb and ugly.

You're the best.

Hate him.

Passionately hate Lamar Jackson. So yesterday didn't matter. You know, the game for first place, it's gonna eventually pan out later. But I just love when he gets upset and starts because he gets so emotional and he's got that stupid sperm hat on. Who told him that was a good idea? You should wear a hat that makes you look like a sperm with a little face cozy. Does it keep him cozy? It makes him a sperm man. Little tiny face. If I were to have like a play and it was like, had a joke part where sperm had to run by be like, where does Lamar Jackson get his hat? Because that. That's perfect outfit for making people look like sperm. Cammy Cam is his fashion consultant now. Cammie Cam looks at him and goes, put a hat and a mask on. At least Cam's good looking. He just dresses like Pharrell's closet exploded. Oh, do I love Lamar Jackson being upset. You think you had. Do you think that was an interception or not? Well, that was to give on Fly by times the man.

How do you write that if you're a. If you're a reporter in Baltimore? Well, then when I asked Lamar, he said, dossy dolly on a flyby and hobby hop the man.

Well, I mean, think Lamar said it all. That was great. It might mean nothing later. It doesn't matter. We made him cry.

I knew a guy named James when I worked at Tony Romas years ago. And he'd come to work sometimes. He goes, I'm in a mood, man. Like, what's going on? He goes, I gotta make one of these waitresses cry tonight or it's not gonna be good. I'm. Oh, you're horrible. And he would try to find a girl to make her cry, and he would do it. And he'd walk around beaming. The next day. He was just as miserable as he was that day, but he got a little joy out of it. And I never understood that. I always thought it was mean, but I want now I understand that.

Win, lose or draw, if you can make Lamar Jackson cry, I'm happy. And Cardinal fans, here we are on Armchair Quarterback Monday, and I think Jonathan Gannon might need some help packing. If those muscular moving men are doing anything this week, it would be a good idea to start. Go to his house and get one of those weird eyeball weight guesses that the movers do. Just fascinating. Ever had a dude do that? They come to your house and they look around and then he looks at you, go, £7,400. What? That's how much your house, their stuff weighs. Like, you didn't like have any measuring tool or any. You just looked at it. It's about £7,400. And then, dude, usually within like a hundred pounds, they just eyeball yourself over 100. Do you get a prize? I don't know. I didn't. I thought, all right, rough estimate. And then he came. It was like 73.40. What? How'd you do that? And he's been doing this for a long time. You can used to work in a circus. You'd never give a. You'd never give a plushie away. I felt sorry for his wife. Do I look fat in these jeans? You look like you're about 161 pounds. So yes. Oh, my God, I hate being married to you. How many you've put on? A couple pounds. How do you know? I've been doing this a long time. You're about 165 this morning. That's just not going to cut it. I can't get you in the truck.

Yeah, those guys are amazing, but they need you right now. I think Jonathan Gannon's going to need some people coming out there and. Poor guy, he's done. That's done. Did Slovis play yesterday? If my predictions come true, nobody watched the Cardinal game. I get texts from people because that Doug Hawkins still the leading quarterback in yardage for 20. Yeah, because they can't. They can't stop throwing 312 yards. It's average hundred times a game. Yeah, the. I'm watching people will text me because that Doug Hopkins commercial with me and it runs and they'll go, hey, just. I get it all. I just saw you on tv. I'm like, it's not live. I just saw you. I'm like, I know I was in it. Why are you watching the Cardinal games? There's like six other games on. I got it. It's 45. 10. Turn it. That's the father and son commercial. Yeah, that's the pop. Yeah, that father and son real estate.

Yeah. It was just a great day yesterday all the way around when I, you know, watching the Steelers beat the Ravens and rival. You know, you had your packers and Bears. Had you guys taken that game yesterday, you'd feel that you fought. And then if you could possibly see Jordan Love cry about penalties or something, just make excuses about why he was so bad. I'd have been flying high, would have needed a car to get to work today. I would have just been, oh, you just float all the way here. Like when Wiley Coyote bought those wings. Yeah, just flying Acme wings. Yep. I'm in. Just having one of those beautiful days and just loving every second of it. Oh, but you get that. And then that sperm gets an interview at the end and people. It's just, oh.

I get half hard talking about it. Broomhead. Text me. Had a good day today. Tactical. Tactical. Like, yeah, we did have a good day, Mike. We had a really good day. I'm half hard. Like, why Notre Dame's not in the playoffs? Like, haha. I'm half hard too. I haven't watched the post game yet. I could. I think I could actually finish to a Ravens postgame press conference after they lose because Harbaugh cries and Lamar cries and then they drag, usually at one of the, like Isaiah Likely or one of their players, like Derek Henry's big dumb eyes. And he stares at the camera and cries about things that. And they never once say, yeah, we could have played better. Well, referee took that ball. That's my Bobby.

Thank you, Lamar. That was very succinct. Sounds like a challenge. All right, consider it done. And I'll, you know, get kicked off Instagram, but I'll put it on there. As long as I'll leave.

Won't be a long. We talked to Lamar Jackson after loss. Oh, oh, oh. I didn't even get to the first question.

And he stayed. Who wouldn't like, be dressed as a sperm and cold. And then you go into a warm room and keep it on. And he does, like a child, just peel that stupid sperm hat off. It goes from his neck all the way around his dumb little face over his chin and just from His. His lips to his eyebrows. It's just this little face shoots out of the sperm costume. And he wears it in cold weather, and then sometimes not. Sometimes he just wears it in warm weather. God, he's ugly. Oh, it's so nice to see him losing. So nice. Sorry, Cardinal fans. You guys knew you're fake, though. I talk about Cardinals football, but there's no point, really. Let's be honest.

It's. It's stupid. And I've been how long now? Five, six weeks? I've been like, why? You have options. Just go cheer for something else. When you're watching Bill Bidwell show up at restaurants before the game is over, and I happen to see that firsthand. Why are you wasting your time watching this team? Wait until the Bidwell sell it and then buy season tickets. Now you're gonna be waiting. Yeah, I know. That's the saddest part. But Michael needs to just step away. Do what? If he loves this team, he needs to unload it because he. At a certain point, you have to recognize, I don't think I'm good at this. Stay safe. Runs in the family. 50% increase. Season tickets. Yeah, Keep raising the prices. You're right. It runs in the family. Because Bill was as oblivious, and he raised an oblivious boy to say, it's not our fault ever.

Imagine the press conference. Michael Bedwell came up behind the podium and said, I just. After years and years of doing this badly, I think what's best for the team is if I leave. I fired a million coaches. I fired a million GMs. I've retooled the front office. I've retooled the front office a hundred times, and we're still the exact same thing. And I'm the only thing still here.

I mean, in a game where everybody fires the coach, everybody fires the gm, you get rid of quarterbacks when they just don't. It's a game about performance. When you don't do it in the. And then at the end, there's one dude who's always been there going, what do we do? It's you, asshole. You're the problem.

It's him. Holmberg's morning sickness. Disgusting. They say things that are horrible.

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Morning sickness. It's the name Bidwell. That's it. That's it. Because if he went away, I think the teams like, would they take a big breath and go, who's next? And he might not be better, but he can't be worse. No. Who's going to take that gig? Anybody who wants billions of dollars. It's. That's the only reason he's there. Who's going to take the gig of owning the Cardinals? Not owning. Coaching. Coaching. Yeah, you'll take it because you're at rock bottom and you get a great draft pick. Somebody will take that job. But the problem is they won't realize that they're strapped to Bill Bidwell. Some Cowboy fans get it. They're like, we won't win anything until Jerry's dead. The Raiders fans understood it. Till the Davis family's not involved. Especially when Al was around. We're not going to do anything. And now the Dutch boys up there, and he's worse than Al. Let's get rid of the whole. The family has to go.

It's fantastic. The Chiefs are out of the playoffs pretty much. It's just, I mean, it's just.

It'S, you know, sorry Cardinal fans. Sorry Bears fans. It's ejaculatory Monday, I think we should call it. Because if you want to be happy and no one knows a Raven fan. Like, no, there's no decent person with. Yeah, like, you don't work with a Raven fan because they're all on government help. Like, none of them actually have jobs. Nobody's sitting next To a Ravens fan at work who's like, boy, that guy's on the up. He's going to. He's. He's bucking for that promotion. No one's ever said that to a. In outside of Baltimore, which they're. I don't even think they have jobs in Baltimore. I think they just all line up every Monday for des help, and then they get their checks, the whole city. But outside of Baltimore, I don't think there's a single human being that's like, I'm a Ravens fan and I'm your boss. I mean, you have the worst job ever. Like, how dumb are you? You can't pass that guy up.

Love the Ravens. What did Lamar say last night? No one knows. He's never said a word of English. It's amazing.

Just know he was crying. Oh, he's so ugly. Anyway, I'm so happy. And then I had nightmare fuel before I went to bed and read a story about a disease that this lady had, and she didn't know that she had. And she was in her twenties. She was cute. So I saw the picture, and it said, you won't believe what this girl has. Kind of clickbait. But not really, because I looked to see if it says sponsored. It didn't. She had. I wrote it down, the name of the thing. She had a disease.

Where her head was just kind of resting on her neck. It wasn't attached, and no one knew. And she'd get sick every once in a while and throw up, and she got dizzy a lot, and she was not, you know, she didn't do great all the time. So she was kind of.

I don't know, a little bit off. But she's. Look, she. This is her in the hospital. She's kind of pretty even in the hospital, right? That girl's head isn't attached. So the. Whatever it is, that bone connects your head to your back, it's kind of sitting on top of each other. It's just teetering. And the muscles and tendons kind of kept her head on, but if you'd hit the brakes too hard in the car, her head would have fallen off. Headache? Yeah, she had headaches now and again. She was struggling with that. But she's like. She'd go to the doctor since she was a kid. She's like, I just don't feel right. My head hurt. I throw up for no reason here and there. And they're like, wow. Then they thought she had, like, an eating disorder. So her parents are like, she's Fatigued, she's dizzy all the time because she can't keep food down. We think she's doing it. Then the doctors just. And then she started, like, passing out and like, she's having anxiety attacks. Like, no. Then some doctor finally said, let me do an MRI and an X ray. And she has a condition. Where the hell is the name of this thing? It's horrifying. Oh, I can't find it. But she says, you can feel how loose my head is. It just sort of flops. And I can put it back in its place, but it's barely hanging on, like a dislocated ankle. But her jugular vein is one of the things that's holding her head on. So all the stuff. So she's like, pinch that probably. No. The whole time she's been alive, she's just been lucky that nobody ever bonked her in the back of the head or she got into a car that somebody had to smash the brakes on because they're like, you're literally a fast stop away from this thing. You're being internally decapitated. Because once that thing separates, it's going to split your spine. Like, the stuff. Their spinal cord was more thread holding it together. Jugular. It's like everything I fix at my house. Don't touch it. It's. It's just. It looks right, but it isn't. And it's good. It's gonna fall apart. Yeah. This chick had. God, the name where they put rods in her. Yeah. They fixed her up. They. It's hypermobile Ehlers Danlos syndrome. Whoa. And they get. They. She got it in her late 20s. They diagnosed her and they're like, you've had this since you were like a two year old, like when you were developing and stuff. So she's really got no neck or. I mean, look at her. She's gorgeous. No, she's got a neck. She's a very pretty girl. No one would ever know. No doctor ever looked and said, there's nothing physically wrong with you. It's just her spine and stuff. Never, like, attached to other parts. So the head was just jugular, some spinal cord stuff and some muscles, and the whole thing's just like hanging by a thread. One quick stop in a car, it's off and just dangling. Just. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yep.

She said, yeah. My physical symptoms were all too real. Real and debilitating. I was dismissed. I started to question my own mental health. Like, is. Am I just a big baby? Does everybody feel what I feel? And I'm I'm just being extremely babyish. Nope, you've got. It's basically. They're saying it's unstable joints, really easy to dislocate. So any next time I. And she's throwing up, and she's like, every time I throw up, I'd almost pass out. It's because her head was about to fall off and she was born. I didn't know you could be born with that.

And I thought as I read it, I'm like, God, I hope Lamar Jackson has this, because this would be the ultimate, like, patch on a jersey someday. Lamar's head's fallen off. There's, like, a sperm pointing down on the field. We can't. It's still sort of attached, but it's straight down to his feet. We don't get it. And then later, upside down, microphones will be in his face. All right. My head fell off. Like, this is great. His head fell off.

And I don't want it to fall off from, like, someone else doing it. I want it to just pop off his body like it's running away from his body because it's. His body kicked it out because it's so ugly. But, yeah, you can get it. And why people that are beautiful have to catch it and why people like Lamar Jackson don't have it are proof there's no God. But, yeah, that's. If you're ever interested in it, look into it, because hypermobile. And ironically, the hypermobile Ehlers Danlos syndrome is HETS, so they call it heads Irony. Imagine mouth hugs from her, man. Kick it too rough with her. That's what I'm saying. Don't grab that ponytail. You'll have a head in your hands like. Ah. It's like getting blown by Ichabod Crane. Man.

Don't pull in the mirrors too hard. Her name was Caitlin Brooks. Doctors were like, one false move and that thing's coming off. You could have done it in your sleep if you just turned too hard or you bonked your head on the. Anything. Yeah. Oh, yeah. You couldn't press her up against a bat, you know? Yeah. Oh, man. Smash. That hurts my head. Shut up. Jesus. You're a baby. Had no idea her head was almost off. I'm gonna pass out. That's right. That's what I thought. Put your ass to sleep. I'm like, ice cube. Nope, her head was coming off. I know there's a lot of guys and a lot of women out there thinking, God, I wish my husband or wife had that. So today, if you're mad at your husband or wife, walk up behind them and push the back of their head and just see. It's like. Can't get blamed for it. You won't even be a Dateline special. Yep. Now it's still attached. Damn it. But, you know, a few of the lucky ones will just have that Plinko moment where the thing just plops down and you can't even see it anymore.

It's horrifying.

Hypermobile. Ehlers Danlos syndrome.

And I would like to.

Pray to Brady's God.

Dear Brady's God, I know you hate Baltimore. You wouldn't have done that to it. Could you please maybe throw some heads at Lamar, if you don't mind, and just put that on him and the next time he gets hit, it just pops off. His little sperm hat stays on his head, and that's how he's. That's how we last see him. Oh, he's on a stretcher with his head laying on his own chest, giving a thumbs up. And then they start. The Lamar Jackson foundation for people whose heads fall off. Wait. Thank you. Amen. Amen, Lamb of God.

Oh, and why do pretty people get heads? Never heard of it. I can't give you head. Why? Because I'd literally. You'd be holding it. I'd be giving you head. That's creepy. Let's try. What's the problem? If a hot girl said she had that, would you still?

Well, yeah. Me too. I'd be very gentle. No, me, I'd rattle that cage.

I'd be like, is this contagious? And then I buy two tickets to Baltimore. I'd fly her out there and be like, just go rub up against that dude dressed as a sperm.

Aren't this beautiful? Ladies rubbing up. How you doing? Hi, sperm. My name's Lamont. Why are you dressed like a sperm? Because I'm cold.

I'm cold. I found this hat, and I thought this would look good. You were wrong. Anyway, Steelers beat him, and I got. There it is. There he is, dressed as a sperm yesterday.

Why don't you take that off? Maybe it's to keep his neck straight. You know, maybe he's got the same thing. He does it in multiple interviews, and I don't get it. I think he's wise to cover some of his face publicly. I think that should be, like. He should be Middle Eastern, a female. Like, he should be forced. We should force Lamar Jackson to wear a hijab and cover that up. Not for religious purposes, just so we can finish eating.

He'S horrendous looking. And the sperm hat somehow makes him uglier. Like there is a thing when you watch him in the sperm hat and you think to yourself, if he took that off, he'd be a little better. But then he takes it off, you're like, oh, God, put the sperm hat back on. First thing you see, hey, he's on my tv.

He's in that. He's in that Mike TV outfit. He's so ugly. Look at that. Andy lost and cried yesterday and I'm happy. Nothing makes me happier on this planet. I've said it before, I'll say it again. Birth of your kids. You. You don't know happiness till you've seen Lamar Jackson crying and it means something to you. You. Ah. And then Brady's God can give him heads. Please, Lord Jesus of Brady, could you give Lamar's heads?

Aha. Man, cheese, God, blood and crackers.

Please. Anyway, anybody else have a good weekend? Not that good. That was great. Just great. And if you are a person with heads, I'd love to have you out this week at Homeburg After Dark and just gently place you in the back of the stage. Just at any moment now. Fireworks could happen. You start laughing too hard at something Lovett says, your head pops off.

Could be great. Anyway, let's get some music there for the wake up song for last full week of. Of 2025 working. How about that? It's amazing. Believe that. Five more days of a full week and then we half ass it for a couple more next week and we're out of dodge till the 26 rolls around. Crazy. This was a quick one. Let's get a wake up song and scream it together. 585-9800. It's 98 KUPD. Wake up. It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fees. I have heard enough of this.

Hey, it's John Holmberg from the morning sickness. When my beloved dog Dutchy started to slow down, I knew in my heart the time was going. That's when I reached out to happy endings in home pet euthanasia. Once Dr. Fixler got to my house, he explained every step, answered all the questions, and created a peaceful, loving atmosphere right there. We were able to hold Dutchy on her favorite blanket. Happy endings made it as peaceful and dignified as the moment could be. If your furry companion is getting close to that time, whether it's a dog or a cat, and you want the comfort of home, the compassion of professionals, and the dignity your pet deserves, call Happy Endings, Visit Online Happy endings youth and asia.com because every pet's life should have a happy ending. All right, HMS Podcast time again. I'll let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week. East side, 10pm improv in the heart of ASU has Ryan Hamilton and Alice Wetterland performing downtown at Stand Up Live. Luis Alvarez and Dimitri Martin entertain you. And up north, the Desert Ridge Improv has sets from both Jason Salmon and Rachel Feinstein for the complete lineups, and for Tickets, go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com and tempeimprov.com.