12-12-25 - Jessie Jet Ski Johnson - Tempe Improv - In Studio

Summary

Episode Overview

Podcast: Holmberg's Morning Sickness – Arizona
Episode: 12-12-25 – Jessie "Jet Ski" Johnson – Tempe Improv – In Studio
Date: December 12, 2025
Host(s): John Holmberg, Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo
Guest: Jessie "Jet Ski" Johnson, stand-up comedian, Dobson High alum

This episode features Arizona-born comedian Jessie "Jet Ski" Johnson, fresh off her national stand-up successes and returning home to headline at the Tempe Improv for the first time. The conversation is a lively, funny, and at times heartfelt exploration of her journey from Dobson High's drama stage to becoming a staple on the comedy circuit, as well as her struggles, sobriety, and path to self-discovery.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Origins of "Jet Ski" Johnson

• Nickname Backstory:

  • Jessie reveals the "Jet Ski" moniker came as a joke during an open-mic after a peer’s overlong story about jet skis. (02:12)
  • She changed her name on Facebook for laughs – and Facebook’s 30-day name change policy made it stick. (02:44)
  • Notably, despite the nickname, Jessie’s never actually ridden a jet ski.
  • Quote: "The nickname just came from a story someone else was telling." – Jessie (02:15)

• Identity:

  • Jessie appreciates the nickname for standing out in a crowded field of "Jesse Johnsons." (03:00)

2. Roots in Arizona and Dobson High Pride

• Dobson High School connections run deep: John and Jessie both graduated from there, making for fun local banter. (01:39)

  • Quote: "You're the only person in our 25 years on the air that has been a guest who graduated from Dobson. Also, it's just us." – John (01:39)

• Jessie credits her start in comedy to Dobson’s “Friday Night Live” sketch group and especially drama teacher Simon Navarro, whom John also knows from high school. The importance of supportive educators is a recurring theme. (05:39–06:47)

3. Family Dynamics and Upbringing

• Jessie describes her dad as a "rocket scientist and a drummer," with a colorful family background, split homes, and a unique upbringing. (03:58–05:33)
• Living arrangements after her parents’ split shaped much of her childhood anxiety, struggles, and humor.
• John jokes about local geography and old school Arizona landmarks, keeping the tone irreverent. (04:47)

4. Comedy Path: From School to Stage

• Jessie’s high school activities included trumpet, drama, speech, and debate — “a huge nerd” by her own admission. (09:16)
• She had a full-ride scholarship for trumpet at NAU but credits Simon Navarro with encouraging her to choose comedy, reassured by the visibility of women like Tina Fey and Amy Poehler at the time. (09:15–09:54)
• Recounts the importance and community of “Friday Night Live” and the continuity of school creative traditions. (08:40–09:05)
• Quote: "It's cool to be part of a legacy, if you ever get to experience that in your life." – Jessie (08:53)

5. Drugs, Sobriety, and Self-Discovery

• Jessie opens up about her struggles with addiction during her late teens and early twenties, including cocaine and psychedelics. She’s been sober since the previous December. (14:48–19:05)

  • Candidly describes the “darkest time” of her life, but also reflects that the experience gave her perspective.
  • Quote: "Darkest time of my life. Hated that time. Terrible... But now, in hindsight, I have that perspective and I've got out of it and made something of myself." – Jessie (17:29–17:38)

• Her sister and family knew about her struggles to different degrees; “intervention”-like moments with her mom are mentioned, including a story about her fridge containing only beers and cocaine. (18:00–18:13)

• Discusses the pursuit of absolute clarity: "I'm trying to take all these filters off myself to figure out my voice and who I am... when I do, then I'll start drinking again." (19:05–19:24)

  • Quote: "I'm sober now... I don't even drink coffee right now. I'm trying to take all these filters off myself to figure out my voice and who I am." (19:05)

6. Comedy Career and Podcasting

• Jessie recalls her start as part of Kill Tony’s band, dressing as characters and blending music with comedy. (11:00)
• Explains the format for her own podcast, "Jet Fuel": “It’s me and a comedic guest... just kind of have a conversation... I put on a lot of media in the background if I’m lonely. That’s what I’m putting out there.” (12:04)
• Briefly discusses hosting challenges and the skillset needed for engaging podcasting and live shows (12:04–12:15)

7. Phoenix Debut & Homecoming

• Jessie’s first headlining club gig in Phoenix at Tempe Improv is framed as both “exciting and nerve-wracking” because of anticipated high school turnout. (07:05–07:17)
  • Jokes about the power of doing a “revenge tour,” ejecting people she didn’t like in high school, and the strange thrill of performing for one’s hometown. (07:17–07:36)
• She’s recently relocated to Los Angeles but returns regularly for shows. (07:42)

8. Moving to LA and Working in Showbiz

• After receiving $1,000 inheritance, Jessie moved to LA, expecting it to go further than it did. (22:27–22:41)
• First big job came at the Late Late Show with James Corden, where she was the van driver for Carpool Karaoke. (22:44–23:37)
• The position helped orient her to LA and led to more production work (MasterChef, Talking Dead, etc). (23:35–24:04)

9. Reflections on Fame, Reputation, and Next Steps

• Jessie discusses the “documentary curse” that can befall celebrities, joking about what level of fame she’d accept if it meant being infamous in 35 years. (20:13–20:28)
  • She admires Ellen DeGeneres, but not for her rumored meanness.
  • Stresses the importance of kindness, especially to club staff: “I try to tip well and be nice to everybody because I want a good reputation.” (20:53)
• Her main goal: mastery of stand-up before considering diversifying into acting or Saturday Night Live. (21:10–21:29)
• Ends with gratitude and Mustang Pride for Dobson High and a joking “fortune cookie” sign-off:
  • Quote: "Many opportunities are coming to you if you look for them." (24:30)

---

Notable Quotes

• Jessie: "It's cool to be part of a legacy, if you ever get to experience that in your life." (08:53)
• Jessie: "Darkest time of my life. Hated that time. Terrible... But now, in hindsight, I have that perspective and I've got out of it and made something of myself." (17:29–17:38)
• Jessie: "I'm sober now... I don't even drink coffee right now. I'm trying to take all these filters off myself to figure out my voice and who I am." (19:05)
• John: "You're going to go way past my any sort of silly notoriety I've gained. You're going to be nationwide fun." (01:53)
• Jessie: "I never liked you at all. Why are you here? Get out of my house." (07:34)
• Jessie: "Many opportunities are coming to you if you look for them." (24:30)

---

Important Timestamps

• Nickname origin & Dobson pride: 01:38–03:07
• Drama teacher Simon Navarro & Friday Night Live: 05:39–06:47; 08:40–09:05
• Comedic beginnings / Trumpet to stand-up: 09:09–09:53
• Sobriety, drugs, and self-discovery: 14:48–19:05
• Homecoming show at Tempe Improv: 07:05–07:36; 07:42–07:54
• Moving to LA, Carpool Karaoke gig: 22:27–23:37
• Podcast 'Jet Fuel': 11:56–12:15
• Comedy, fame, and personal goals: 20:13–21:29
• Closing words of wisdom: 24:23–24:30

---

Tone

The episode is high-energy, self-deprecating, fast-paced, and funny. Both Jessie and John are quick with banter, poking fun at Arizona, each other, and their nostalgic Dobson High connection. Jessie’s openness about her struggles, ambitions, and the realities of comedy balance humor with heartfelt moments. The whole episode feels like an insider’s glimpse at an Arizona comedy prodigy’s homecoming, filled with warmth, pride, and unfiltered laughs.

---

For Listeners Who Missed the Episode

This conversation is for anyone interested in comedy’s behind-the-scenes, the transformative (and sometimes bumpy) path from local high school stages to national comedy clubs, and the healing power of humor and honesty. Jessie "Jet Ski" Johnson brings candor, resilience, and uniquely Arizona grit – and her story is as funny as it is inspiring.

Transcript

[A]

You're listening to the HMS podcast brought to you by MMP guns.com your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories. It's Brett Veseley from Homebrew's Morning Sickness. Now, I've always been the kind of guy that takes care of my own lawn. That's until I found Divine Design Landscaping. These guys aren't your typical Mo and blow landscaping company. They do amazing work and it's just what I needed to finally throw in the towel and let the experts take over. If you've been unhappy with your landscaping or sick of trying to do it yourself, well, it's time to get a hold of Divine Design Landscaping. These guys handle everything. Lawn care, irrigation, tree work, low vol voltage lighting, 3D designs. Get a free quote at DivineDesignLawnCare.com that's DivineDesignLawnCare.com It's John Humberg here showing away.

[B]

From my friends at New Vision Auto Glass. I recently took one of my cars to a dealership for maintenance and the guy said, oh, you got a chip in the back window. I never even noticed it. Then he told me they can fix it. I said, oh, great. He said, 1300 bucks. And I started laughing. I said, no, thanks. You haven't heard of New Vision Auto Glass? New Vision Auto Glass wants to make it easy on you too. You set up the time and the place, get the work done and it is done. So whatever Glass needs you have with your car, New Vision Auto Glass is the only place to go. Give them a call. 480-210-9090. New Vision Auto Glass, proud sponsor of the Arizona Diamondbacks, Holmberg's morning sickness. The old method of treatment for a person in this condition was to throw him in jail.

[C]

This is great.

[B]

This was off the album. Named after the year your sister was born, Jesse. It's 1984. That's Van Halen. Jesse Jet Ski Johnson, a Valley native who is just exploding on Kill. Tony, you're running around doing standup all over the place. And we just found out, or at least I did. You are a Dobson High graduate.

[C]

Yeah. Go Mustang.

[B]

Yeah. So we'll talk real slow so you can follow along. This is great. And you grew up here in the area. You're the only person in our 25 years on the air that has been a guest who graduated from Dobson. Also, it's just us.

[C]

I know. It feels good, doesn't it?

[B]

You and me. And you're going to go way past my any sort of silly notoriety I've gained. You're going to be nationwide fun.

[C]

I'm bringing you with me.

[B]

Let's do it. I'm in radio around the nation.

[C]

Let's.

[B]

You were. So you went to Dobson and. And then suddenly, like somebody just said, I'm going start calling you Jet Ski. And you said, okay. And now everyone calls you Jet Ski.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And yet you've never ridden one.

[C]

I've never been on a Jet Ski in your life.

[B]

So the nickname just came from a story someone else was telling.

[C]

Yeah, this actually the guy hosting my show at the 10pm Proud on Sunday at 6pm See, I squeezed in the marketing. Pretty flawless. Jason Hill, he's hosting the show. And we go way back. We were doing an open mic and this guy did a 10 minute story about a jet ski and he used the word jet ski probably a million times. And so we were getting bored of it and he said, you know, you should just change your name to Jet.

[B]

Ski because you were getting bored of it and pointed out the flaw in his act.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You earned a nickname.

[C]

And then I ran with the. I changed my name on Facebook as a joke, tried to change it back. And Facebook says, you got 30 days. You got to stick with it. You can't change your name for 30 days.

[B]

And it stayed.

[C]

And so that's why it, like, stayed.

[B]

Do you hate it?

[C]

No, I love, I think it's cool. A cool nickname. Jesse Johnson is a very common name.

[B]

Yes.

[C]

A lot of like, it's like a famous guitar player named Jesse Johnson. I think Jet Ski separates.

[B]

It keeps you apart.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And you said when you're growing up here, your dad used to listen to this show and force you to listen to it too, because you were born in like 2014.

[C]

Oh, thank you.

[B]

Still got it. I didn't say it looked good. I just said, you're not. All right, let's not start inflating the ego. Right. I'll knock you down. No. So you, you, your dad, you guys listen to this stupid show.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

And so this is probably why you became funny. And you owe us some sort of royalty.

[C]

Yeah. I remember there was one joke about a lady in a canoe or something and I just, he was cracking up, like crying, and I didn't get it.

[B]

A bald man in a canoe.

[C]

Yeah, something like that. I was like, I don't get why is it funny? And he's like, I can't tell you.

[B]

How old were you?

[C]

Oh, I don't know, but 5 or 6 12.

[B]

Oh, so you were about to discover the bald man in the community yeah, he's probably, like. You'll see. Give it a couple weeks. All right. Well. And is your dad. So.

[C]

Thanks, guys.

[B]

Sure. You're very welcome. Is your dad a cool guy?

[C]

My dad's very cool. He plays drums. He's a rocket scientist. He's retired now, but, yeah, he's. He's a cool guy.

[B]

He's a rocket scientist and a drummer.

[C]

Yeah. Very unique.

[B]

Well, he's a rocket scientist, and the best he could do is the Dobson school district.

[C]

He didn't go to Dobson.

[B]

No, I know, but he made you go there. Or did he leave and then your stepdad and mom made you go to Dobbs?

[C]

That's why my mom. My mom made me go.

[B]

Where did your dad live?

[C]

He. He lived in Phoenix area. I mean, we were close.

[B]

Yeah. But then he had a nicer house.

[C]

He saw him every other weekend.

[B]

He had a beautiful home.

[C]

I mean, it was smaller.

[B]

It was.

[C]

It was an apartment. Yeah. He built up, though.

[B]

Your mom had a good house. Now, did mom take him for everything?

[C]

No, no, no, no, no.

[B]

He's a rocket scientist.

[C]

He built up. He started at Honeywell.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

He's an engineer. DeVry. Shout out DeVry.

[B]

Yeah. Rocket scientist. If he graduated from Devry.

[C]

Yeah. Dude, I'm telling you. From Casa Grande.

[B]

Nope. All of this is wrong.

[C]

In Casa Grande, when it was nothing, like, just nothing out there. No, it's a little. They got a Kohl's.

[B]

No, they do have a Kohl's. That's true. And if that's your bar for awesome, then still.

[C]

But before, there weren't even, like, roads out there.

[B]

That's right. He was selling strong carriages.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

A long time ago.

[C]

So he went to where I got his degree, worked at Honeywell in the aerospace, worked up to the faa, and then he got a job at North Runner or North Grummet.

[B]

And then your mom left him.

[C]

No, it was way before that. I was six. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, you were six. Like, I can't take this. I'm going to build a rocket.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

That's what he said. It's like, I just got to learn how to build rockets and get away from her. Yeah.

[C]

I think it was tired of working for the faa.

[B]

Yeah. Screw them.

[C]

Yeah. It's like, I'm going to go build some wires for rocket.

[B]

When did you start becoming a comedian? When were you like, I'm going to do this? Were you at Dobson when you're like, you know what? I'm pretty damn funny.

[C]

Yes. Because. And a few years before I got to Dobson, they Started a sketch comedy group there called Friday Night Live. And the drama teacher there, Simon Navarro.

[B]

I know Simon.

[C]

I went to school Simon, he's going to my show. We still talk to. Yeah.

[B]

Simon Navarro and I were a year apart and did.

[C]

You're kidding me. Oh my God, that's so cool. He's an awesome teacher in the world. So supportive. He really. Did he get fat when he was kid was pregnant? He's not. I don't think he is now. But when. When he had the baby. Yeah, he gained a lot of baby. Oh yeah, she's full grown. She went to my. Sheila is in Boston now studying music and she went to my show in Boston.

[B]

No, I'm not saying. You said he got fat when he got pregnant.

[C]

Oh, well, I mean not like in the physical sense.

[B]

Well, I don't know. It's a new world.

[C]

He gained the weight that. He also gained the weight.

[B]

He and his wife both got fat. So he got fat, you said.

[C]

And we roasted him a lot for.

[B]

Yeah, well. Yeah.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Smell better. So there's Simon. I haven't talked to Simon in forever. So he was the drama teacher?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Took over for a guy named Mr. Olsen.

[C]

Okay, I never met.

[B]

Probably talks about Mel Olsen quite a bit. Yeah, it's Mel Olsen's drama center.

[C]

I won the most Mel Olsen art award.

[B]

Did you really?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

How about that?

[C]

Pretty cool.

[B]

That's pretty awesome.

[C]

Is anyone still listening?

[B]

How about no, nobody cares, it's just you and me. Who gives a crap? We're Dobson High graduates. This never happens. Yeah, it's good. Yeah. And you know what's gonna happen? More and more people are gonna start showing up. That's the thing. So when you go, when you do your shows, does it. Is it mostly idiots you went to school with?

[C]

No, I mean this, this show is like exciting and also nerve wracking because I think a lot of people from high school going, but normally no. It's my first time headlining a club in town.

[B]

Yeah. How awesome is that though?

[C]

Great.

[B]

It's a revenge tour.

[C]

I wouldn't call it that.

[B]

Could be. Yeah. You could get some people that hated you. They're gonna show up. Go.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What's up, Jesse? You went to school together?

[C]

Oh, I'm gonna kick him out. I have like a little bit of power now and I'm excited to use it.

[B]

Swing the dick, Jesse.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

Go up on stage and go. I never liked you at all. Why are you.

[C]

Get out of my house. Get out of here.

[B]

That' awesome. And it's Sunday night. You can go see Jesse Jet Ski Johnson. How much are you. Do you live here still? Are you in Austin now or.

[C]

I live in Los Angeles now. I drive down all the time. And yeah, I've been touring for the past like three years headlining and I've just really wanted to come back and do this. Right.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Do tempe improv.

[B]

And it's the first time you've played Phoenix as a headliner.

[C]

I did a show at, for asu. They hired me to do more of like a private event that I headlined at the stadium and it was cool. That was two years ago.

[B]

@ the football.

[C]

Stadium. Yeah. And one of the suites, like, oh.

[B]

Okay. I was going to say, Jesus, that's a step.

[C]

Up. I went through.

[D]

This. It was.

[B]

Amazing. It was 12 people, 80,000 people.

[C]

Standing ovation when they go, you want to play the stadium? I was like, you guys know I'm not going to sell that.

[B]

Out. Well, you're going to have to hump it to do that. You're going to really work. Yeah, that's amazing. So you're back here. I want the, Is there any like people from your past that you want to shout out now to say you told you suck it that I'm, I'm more famous than any of.

[C]

You. No, no, no, no. I don't even think I deleted, blacked.

[B]

Out. But that Friday light night thing.

[C]

Friday Night Live is so amazing. Like, I'm so glad it's still going on. Not to get like gay on you guys, but it's so cool. It's still.

[B]

There. And Navarro, did you say you're gonna get.

[C]

Gay? You guys are way too.

[B]

Big. It's way.

[C]

Gay. But I'm so, I'm. It's, it's cool to be like part of a legacy if you ever get to experience that in your life. And so like being part of that and now being a full time stand up comedian, it's, I hope the, you know, younger kids who want to get into comedy, they have that.

[B]

Opportunity. Did it help you out of.

[C]

There?

[B]

Yeah. Did it help you feel like you should do.

[C]

This? Yeah. I mean I remember Navarro sitting me down because I was, I'm a trumpet player and I had a full ride.

[B]

Scholarship. You were a huge.

[C]

Nerd. Oh, I still.

[B]

Am. Trumpet and drama. My.

[C]

God. Oh yeah. Speech and.

[B]

Debate. Oh my.

[C]

God. Video games. How did you get out of.

[B]

There? Oh my.

[C]

Lord. But I, but I, I had a full ride scholarship to Northern Arizona University on trumpet playing. So it was like, okay, I have a free ride to A university. I should probably keep playing music. And Navarro sat me down. He was like, you know, you have a future in comedy. And that was when Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were, like, really popping off. And so he's like, women in comedy especially are doing well, like you. If you want to do this, you have a future in it. And I was still like, I don't know if I could actually make a career out of.

[D]

It. And, yeah, where do I.

[B]

Go? Very odd, because Simon sat me down a long time ago, and he tried to talk me into something exactly opposite. You don't have a future in comedy. You have to blow stuff to, to make money. So we told you the exact opposite. No future in blowing for.

[C]

You. He was like, you should play.

[B]

Trump. Yeah, yeah. He said, you should blow stuff for money. And I'm like, what is that? And he goes, here, I'll show you. And I put a blindfold on. And then I passed. I woke up at Mountain View two weeks.

[C]

Later. Oh, my.

[B]

God. Crazy Simon's a good.

[C]

Guy. Shout out.

[B]

Simon. How about thanks for the instruction. That is so crazy that. Yeah. A guy I went to high school with, too, and Simon was a great, like.

[C]

Performer. Oh, I bet. I know.

[B]

Yeah. I never seen him, but he was, he was awesome. He was like, he was one of my favorite people that school. I thought he was great. I didn't know he was. I knew kind of. I years ago, I knew he was doing the drama department. I didn't know.

[C]

Anymore. That's so.

[B]

Cool.

[C]

Crazy. Wow. What a small world. Yeah. Shout out good teachers. That makes a big.

[B]

Difference. What would you do if you weren't doing this? And don't say.

[C]

Trumpet. I probably would be a music.

[B]

Teacher.

[C]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. Oh, what a waste of.

[C]

Time. I.

[B]

Know. No.

[C]

Money. Kids, as we're talking about good.

[B]

Teachers. Yeah, good teachers. But you don't want to be.

[C]

One. No, I was. Well, because I was 18, I'm like, I have no life experience. How am I going to.

[B]

Teach?

[D]

Yeah. Gotten on a late night.

[B]

Band. Yeah. You could have done.

[C]

That. I, I know. I thought, I thought I might do, like, something with music like that, and I kind of did. When I was on that Kill Tony show, I was in the band. I, I, it was me and Jeremiah Watkins and Joel Jimenez, and we were comedians in the band. This was back in the day, and we dress up as characters and go out and perform comedy in the.

[B]

Band. Now Tony's been here a bunch of times, and we feel like he stole Kill Tony's whole premise from this show, because we used to do a segment was a whole day of everybody had a minute to do stand up on a big.

[C]

Box.

[B]

Really? And we just tore them to bits. Unless they were.

[C]

Good. That's.

[B]

Awesome. And then next thing you know, he's making millions of dollars, he's at Madison Square Garden and I'm still sitting here talking to you about Simon.

[C]

Navarro. That's.

[B]

Hilarious. Is.

[C]

It? Yeah. Tony is a smart.

[B]

Guy. Tony is a smart. He's a smart plagiarist. Whereas I just decided, ah, this is nothing. I just didn't see that this could be a.

[C]

Thing. Yeah, you got to do it once a week.

[B]

For. You got to do it constantly. And then. Yeah. And then people be like, I'm going to start listening to that. Are you going to do it? Do you do a.

[C]

Podcast? I do. Thanks for asking. I just started it. It was in August. We're almost at 20 episodes. It's doing well. It's called Jet.

[B]

Fuel. Jet Fuel. And what's it like? What do you focus.

[C]

On? It's me and right now, a comedic guest. I think I'm going to branch out eventually once I get better at hosting because it is a great.

[B]

Skill. Oh, it's an incredible skill.

[C]

Yeah. You have to know where to.

[B]

Go. You're.

[C]

Right. So bad at it. But yeah, we just kind of have a conversation. I feel like I put on a lot of media in the background. If I'm like, lonely, I just want people talking in the background while I'm doing stuff. So that's what I'm just putting out there once a.

[B]

Week. Yeah. When you get lonely, you do a.

[C]

Podcast. No, like I put on.

[B]

Podcasts. Oh, I see. Hear people talking, morning.

[C]

Sickness. They say things that are.

[B]

Horrible. It's John Holmberg here, shilling away from my friends at New Vision Auto Glass. I'm telling you, I'm windshield curse. So this holiday season, I'm going to add new windshield to my wish list. New Vision Autoglass will take my call, deal with the insurance, and then we're going to discuss what the most convenient time and place is so they can come get the work done on my ride. Then I'm going to get up to $375 back. You go to nuvisionautoglast.com, see what you qualify for. And don't forget that dinner at the world famous Brazilian steakhouse, Rhodesia Grill. Get that new windshield right now and hope it lasts through 2020-648021-09090 New Vision Auto Glass. Proud sponsor of the Arizona.

[E]

Diamondbacks. Hello. I'm here during the lunch rush with Janice, who owns her own food.

[C]

Truck. Best cheesesteaks in.

[E]

Town. Janice traded up to Geico Commercial Auto Ins her food truck business. We're here where she needs us.

[C]

Most. They sure.

[E]

Are. We make it so easy for her to save with customized coverage that grows with her business. Sorry, I just get so emotional talking about saving folks.

[C]

Money. Not this onion I'm.

[E]

Chopping. It's just so.

[C]

Beautiful. Oh.

[B]

Yeah. Nice. The onion. Get a commercial auto insurance quote [e-mail] and see how much you could save. Get more with Geico Homburg's morning sickness. You know, there's a thing called going.

[C]

Outside. Yeah, well, I'm out every single night.

[B]

So. Why? Are you.

[C]

Lonely? I'm.

[B]

Not. You just said you.

[C]

Were.

[B]

I. That's right. She's good. She's a promotion.

[C]

Machine. Vote for.

[B]

Me. Jet Ski Johnson's at the 10pm Prof. Sunday night only. And you're going to be out there? Just doing the local thing. What about you? Do we need to know that. We don't. What is something that is Jet Ski Johnson.

[C]

Only? Oh, gosh, Dan, I wish this wasn't live. I'd say let's pause for a second so I can think of a great.

[B]

Answer. That's what you got to.

[C]

Do. Because my whole life is like I go on stage and talk about.

[B]

Myself.

[C]

Yeah. So it's like I don't have a lot, like.

[B]

Hidden. Yeah, you're an open.

[C]

Book. Yeah, I'm pretty much.

[D]

Right. Along with your.

[B]

Sister. Yeah. Your sister's.

[C]

Here. Yeah. Yeah, I love my.

[B]

Sister. You hate your.

[C]

Stepsister. No, I don't hate her. I just don't know her no.

[B]

More. Ain't got no time for hate. Stop knowing.

[C]

Her. She moved.

[B]

Yeah. And she moved away. Was that tough? Like the family broke up and then you had to split up. Who's blood related? And she.

[D]

Disappeared. She doesn't reach.

[C]

Out. I'm sober now, but at that time I was so messed up on drugs, I don't really remember what drugs I was doing. Can we say I'm on.

[D]

Here?

[C]

Yeah. YouTube will censor everything. You know that. We got to get back on.

[B]

Radio.

[C]

Exactly. I just say the N word. No, I'm not. I'm not.

[B]

Going. Is that a.

[C]

Drug? No, I did a. I was doing a lot of coke.

[B]

And. No.

[C]

Kidding. And I was doing a lot of. A lot of.

[B]

Psychedelics. They got fruit flavored coke.

[C]

Now. Did you ever hear about that? That's the fentanyl, I.

[B]

Think. No, it isn't. They're, like, making it flavored like Fruity Pebbles. And it's the first time I've ever, like. I think I'm going to try.

[C]

That. Don't do it. Coke was different when I did it. It wasn't laced with fentanyl. And Obama was in office. The vibes were.

[B]

Different. It was like, Obama made coke.

[C]

Better. Yeah, I think it was like a better vibe in the.

[B]

Country. Wait a minute. You just threatened to say the N word and then say everything was better when Obama was.

[C]

President? Why is that a.

[B]

Correlation? I don't know. It just sort of.

[C]

Is. Yeah. No, I think. I think it was safer.

[B]

Then. You do? Yeah, because cocaine was much more regulated and safe when you were doing.

[C]

It. I mean.

[B]

Yeah. What made you stop this safe.

[C]

Product? It was such a. I was just bottom out. Yeah. To bottom.

[B]

Out. What.

[C]

Happened? Just, like. Because I had that full ride and then I dropped out of school, and then I were.

[B]

A. Cocaine. Cocaine acid.

[C]

Drama. Like, I wanted to be good at jazz at.

[D]

Dobson. Did you go to Coachella and all those.

[C]

Events? No. No, mostly in my.

[B]

Apartment. Yeah. So this was after Dobson you.

[C]

Discovered. Yeah, after.

[B]

Dobson.

[C]

Cocaine.

[B]

Yeah. And you liked it? Do you remember the first.

[C]

Time? I mean, I didn't like it, actually. I thought it was a really dumb, stupid drug, but I liked it. Yeah, that makes.

[B]

Sense. It's stupid, but it was fun.

[C]

Like, because you're so.

[B]

Addictive.

[D]

Yeah. It smelled so.

[C]

Good. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. Do you remember the first time you did.

[C]

It? Yeah, I was at a party, and everyone was, like, on the ground and had, like, these mirrors, and I was like, what's going on over.

[B]

There? Jet.

[C]

Ski.

[B]

Yeah. You didn't even.

[C]

Know. They're like, you don't want this.

[B]

Stuff. Yeah. Did you. Was it here in.

[C]

Arizona? Yeah. Yeah, of course it.

[B]

Was. No. Where was it? I don't.

[C]

Know. Oh, I don't remember at the exact place because this was a resident or.

[B]

Something. It was just.

[C]

Some. Yeah, just some house.

[B]

Party. Some apartment.

[C]

Party. Yeah. Shout out house.

[B]

Party. Yeah, exactly. And then. So the first time you did it, you're like, that was dumb. And then you're like, knocking on that guy's door the next day because, let's do that dumb thing.

[C]

Again. Yeah. You just kind of like, just keep doing it. And then. Yeah. It was like. Part of me was like, I want to expand my mind and, you know, did it work? And, you know, it's weird to say it because I don't like Advocating for that stuff. But I am glad I did it, like during the time that I.

[B]

Was. Oh, that's plenty. Thanks. Jet Ski kids. You heard it here. Jet Ski Johnson. Just happy and happy. Yeah, that's all the time we've got. And we'll leave it there. She really enjoyed doing it, but not doing.

[C]

It. Darkest time of my life. Hated that time of my life. Terrible time. But now, in hindsight, I have that perspective and I've got out of it and made something of.

[B]

Myself. How long did you do.

[C]

It? Oh, gosh, maybe like five. I don't know the timeline, but. But I remember being pretty clean when I started stand up. And I was 21, so it was like between that, like 18 and 19 years. I was like just trying every.

[B]

Drug. Did your sister know this at the time? Was she doing it with.

[C]

You? Not to the.

[D]

Extreme. Was there an.

[C]

Intervention? Kind of. My mom, I think she saw. When I was 21, I was living at. In Mesa at this apartment, and I. The only thing in my fridge was like cocaine.

[B]

Beers. Oh, that's a lot. Was it Garden Place apartments on Longmore and Baseline, or the Haystacks where everybody ended up.

[C]

Living? No, but the way you asked, it really freaked me out for a second. All the cocaine in my past has made me pretty paranoid. I was like, how do you know.

[B]

That? Wait, were you there? I know that I was the one supplying the.

[C]

Coke. Oh, yeah, that's.

[B]

Right. If you remember me, I had hair and it was fun. Stops in 90. Johnny Waverunner. Yeah, it's nuts. No, we gotta get you on a Jet Ski. That's the first thing that's gotta happen.

[C]

Someday. Yeah, somebody messaged me. They're like, jet Ski, you should do Tempe Town Lake for your.

[B]

First. Yes, why.

[C]

Not? It's like, that's not a bad.

[B]

Idea. We can arrange that. And you can be out there by 2 o' clock this.

[C]

Afternoon. Now. It's like too much pressure. I don't even want to do.

[B]

It. You don't even want to be. You want to change your nickname? Firm Ground.

[C]

Johnson. Yeah. Walking only.

[A]

Johnson.

[B]

Yes. Yeah. Regular bipedal Johnson. I say. Yeah. So what is the goal for Jesse Jet Ski.

[C]

Johnson? Well, it's funny talking about all the drugs because I'm. I am sober now. I have been since December. I don't even smoke cigarettes. Like I'm. I don't even drink coffee right now. And what I'm really. I'm trying to take all these filters off of myself to figure out my voice and Who I am and. And just as a performer. And then when I. When I do, then I'll start drinking.

[B]

Again. Yeah, you gotta get back on the horse eventually. But. Yeah, when you're comfortable with.

[C]

Yourself.

[B]

Yeah. The last thing you wanna do is start doing drugs when you're not sure who you.

[C]

Are.

[B]

Exactly. Right. Get that solidified. And.

[A]

Then.

[B]

Heroin.

[C]

Crack. Yeah, I haven't done those. So that'll.

[B]

Be. There you go. You.

[C]

Got. I might have done crack. I'm not.

[B]

Sure.

[C]

Really. No, I'm.

[B]

Kidding. You don't.

[C]

Know. I think you.

[B]

Know. You know, I think you'd know. You're the one telling me it was an all skate. You smoked.

[C]

Crack? We did a little. Sprinkle it on the weed. We shouldn't be.

[B]

Talking. I feel like some.

[C]

Crack. I'm going to relapse tonight.

[B]

Keefe. Crack on the.

[C]

Weed. Yeah. You know what I'm.

[B]

Talking. I know what you're talking about. I've never done it, but I've seen it. I've left those parties like she's going to.

[C]

Die. I got.

[D]

Out. Yeah. I just learned about Toosie this.

[B]

Week.

[C]

Yeah? What's.

[B]

That? Well, he watched the Puff.

[D]

Dad. That's what you mentioned. It was a fentanyl and it's.

[C]

Pink. Oh, no, I never.

[B]

Did. No, it was. It was mgm. He loved.

[C]

That. No, I never got to the Diddy.

[B]

Parties. Yeah, well, maybe you can have your own jet Ski parties and you'll be in a documentary. Wouldn't that be. Was that a goal of yours? If. I said if. I told you right now, I can make you super duper famous, but in 35 years, there's going to be a documentary about how horrible you were to everybody. But you're incredibly wealthy. You might get out.

[C]

On. I really. Ellen is one of my favorite.

[B]

Comedians. Owen.

[C]

Benjamin. Ellen.

[B]

DeGeneres. Oh, I thought you said Owen. Oh, yeah, like Owen Benjamin, the.

[C]

Nazi. Okay, that's so funny. No, Ellen. Okay, Ellen didn't. I mean, she might have been at the Diddy parties, but hers is. It's funny that she got like the same. She left the.

[B]

Country.

[C]

Yeah. And get the same rep as Diddy. Almost. And she was just.

[B]

Mean. She was just.

[C]

Mean. It's so crazy. It's.

[B]

Unfair. Yeah. I don't see you ever being mean to the.

[C]

Staff. No, I. I try to tip well and be nice to everybody because I want a good reputation.

[B]

And.

[C]

Yeah. You know, if I feel too, like. Especially like Friday, Saturday shows, most people working at a comedy club like comedy, but some people, it's just their job. Yeah. It's Friday night. They want to go home. Yeah, I get.

[B]

That. Yeah, I understand that. Yeah, it makes sense. And you're gonna, like. Do you want to go Saturday night live? Acting, singing, What. What is the end goal here or all of.

[C]

It? I just love stand up so much. I want to do my best to be like a master at it. So that's why I'm working so hard at getting myself right. And you find it, you.

[B]

Know? That's.

[C]

Awesome.

[B]

Yeah. Well, good for you. A Dobson High School graduate that is gonna just take off and be famous and put Dobson on the.

[C]

Map. Yeah, that's right. And shout out Scottsdale Community.

[B]

College. You were an artichoke.

[C]

Too. I was a lumberjack. I was an artichoke. I even went to Mesa Community.

[B]

College. Me too. We had the same lives. I was a Thunderbird. I was an artichoke. I went to Phoenix College for a minute. I went to ASU for a little.

[C]

While. That's.

[B]

Awesome. I went Chandler Gilbert Community College, for God's sakes. That's how bad my schooling.

[C]

Was. Yeah. You got a lay of the.

[B]

Land. Oh, I just drove all over the place. I. I should have been a driver. I was driving to school. That's where I was learning.

[C]

Everything. Why did you go to so many.

[B]

Colleges? Because I hated them and I didn't know what I was doing, so I just busy time made it seem like I was actually out of school and no one even knew where the other one was, so I didn't have to go. No one was looking for me. Yeah, it was perfect. You didn't.

[C]

Graduate. I did graduate from.

[B]

Sec. That's not.

[C]

Graduating. I have my degree taped up on the wall of my.

[B]

Podcast. Your two year.

[C]

Thing?

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Nice.

[B]

Yes. Did you focus on anything at.

[C]

Sec?

[B]

Film.

[C]

Film.

[B]

Yeah. That's. You know, so many have come from. That's such a wise.

[C]

Move. It's. It is. It actually helped me out when I moved to la. I did. I had. My grandfather had passed and he left me a thousand dollars and it was the most money I'd ever had. And I thought, I'm moving to.

[B]

La. You moved to Los Angeles. A lot of.

[C]

Money. I was like, I'm rich. And then it was gone so fast. Yeah. And I. I was struggling, like, hard and scrambling to find work. And a friend from film school said, hey, it's Sam. I'm at a late, late show. Do you want a.

[B]

Job? No.

[C]

Kidding? Yeah. I said, are you kidding me? I know that show. And he's like, you know, like, it's not just a job, but it's a big job. And, yeah, he goes, the only thing is, do you know how to drive a 15 passenger.

[B]

Van?

[C]

Yup. And I said yes. And then I looked up videos on YouTube about, they're.

[B]

Huge. And that was when James Corden was hosting.

[C]

It.

[B]

Yes. How about.

[C]

That? So that was my first, like, legit job out.

[B]

There. And I was a Scottsdale artichoke called you and said, you want to work with me? And you just drove celebrities and guests.

[C]

Around. Yeah, I was. If you watch carpool karaoke, I was the van behind them, like.

[B]

Driving. Because people don't realize that he was not actually driving. They were towing.

[C]

Him. No, some of them were towed, but he was.

[B]

Driving. No.

[C]

Kidding. Yeah, we had a whole police caravan. We were going, like 10 miles an hour. I mean, like, really.

[B]

Slow. That's. And you got to drive the van behind to get the crew.

[C]

Back. Perfect job. When you first moved to la, because you're going so slow around town, you just start like, okay, so this is the city you.

[B]

Learned. Yeah. That's.

[C]

Amazing. It was like this. Yeah. And then Jordan quits, and then Cordon quit. I mean, I was doing. Once you got in there, it's kind of like how Stan works. Once you do one mic, you start meeting everyone and learning all the other mics. That's how the production.

[B]

Assistant.

[C]

Awesome. So I started working MasterChef and talking dead and like, just all these shows, you.

[B]

Know.

[C]

Outstanding.

[B]

Yeah. What a gig. Nice job. Well, we're proud of you. I'm proud of.

[C]

You. Thank you guys so much for having me.

[B]

Here. Are you kidding? Thanks for coming in, Jet Ski Johnson. Leave us with words of wisdom. Change the world from your perspective. If you were in charge today, what would you make.

[C]

Different? I'll give you some words of wisdom. All right. Many opportunities are coming to you if you look for.

[B]

Them.

[C]

Okay. That was Fortune.

[B]

Cookie. I was gonna say that was it. You had. You had a morning fortune cookie. You're gonna. You should go back on cocaine, because that's healthier than eating Chinese.

[C]

Food. We had Panda Express last night, and I had to Fortune cookie this.

[B]

Morning. Panda Express are still living off that thousand bucks. Go get yourself a decent meal. God's sakes, Jesse. Jet Ski Johnson. Thank.

[C]

You. Thank you. See you at the.

[B]

Show. No, probably not. Okay, Mustang pride, everybody. I don't want to talk to Simon ever.

[C]

Again. Oh, my God. He'll be on my merch.

[B]

Table. That's hilarious. Thank you, Jesse. It's 98. Hey, it's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fees. I have heard enough of.