12-19-25 - Finding Money In Laundry - Brady's Cheap Massages - Milkman's Bad Day - Oct 2014 - BO

Summary

Episode Summary: Holmberg’s Morning Sickness – 12-19-25

Main Theme & Purpose

The episode strikes a blend of humor and frank conversation centered around everyday mishaps and minor absurdities—from finding unexpected cash in the laundry, to the awkward realities of “cheap” strip-mall massages, to a listener’s “milkman” woes. Hosts John Holmberg, Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, and Dick Toledo riff off each other with trademark banter and playful jabs while reflecting on the quirks of modern life, relationships, and the little struggles that unite (and amuse) listeners.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Laundry Windfalls and Household Economy

• Accidentally Laundered Cash:
  • John shares how he found $500 in his pocket after doing laundry—cash that his wife Megan unknowingly washed. He jokes about how she could’ve hit a small jackpot (“Sorry, sister. That’s a good start to my Monday.”)
    – [00:39–01:04]
• Pockets, Partners, and the Lost Art of “Laundry Treasure”:
  • Delving into the “laundry economy,” John muses on why wives are eager to do their partners’ laundry, referencing a bygone era when men stuffed their pockets with cash:

    “See, back in, like the 50s and 60s, men had lots of cash... That’s why the women wanted to do all the laundry... But now women are getting screwed. Because of debit cards and all that stuff... That's what they passed down.” – John [02:25–03:12]

  • Discussion of trust, independence, and how women supposedly “keep track” by going through laundry or pockets, mixed with tongue-in-cheek jabs at relationship dynamics.

2. Cheap Massages & Strip Mall Suspicion

• Brady’s Massage Adventures:
  • Light-hearted roasting as Brady reveals he’s found a $30 massage spot in a strip mall. The hosts gleefully speculate about its legitimacy.

    “Brady goes to strip malls for $30 massages and thinks they’re on the up and up... that’s the only reason—because they're expensive [elsewhere].” – John [05:33–05:54]

  • Jokes abound about “happy endings,” upselling (for “scrubs... or a doctor’s outfit”), and whether Brady would even realize if things ever got shady.

    "If 3 tens cover the bill, you should probably feel offended they’re not trying to upsell you." – John [05:56–06:39]

  • Continues with ribbing Brady about his “rose colored glasses” outlook, his innocence in questionable situations, and whether he’d even catch on if something illicit was offered.

    “You go in there bonered up next time. I think you see where I'm stiffest. Work it out. Nothing.” – John [07:59–08:11]

3. Listener Letters: “Milkman's Bad Day”

• Listener’s Rough Week:
  • A milkman writes in about his girlfriend leaving, work going poorly, and getting injured on the job. The hosts respond with trademark mock-sympathy.

    “I just cut my side on one of my deliveries. I’m a milkman. There’s milk men.” – Listener letter [11:17–11:27] “How is that not happy? Get back in your time machine and join us now.” – John [11:27–12:12]

  • The team lightens the mood with dark optimism, suggesting the listener Google tornadoes in Oklahoma to appreciate things could be worse.

    “At least you live in a place called the Valley of the Sun... You drown in the basement of it. See, how much worse it is for someone else.” – John [12:32–12:59]

  • Banter about “milkman” being an outdated job; John's cat even gets called “my little milkman” in a running house joke.

4. Wild Kingdom: Tortoise Drama

• Animal Mishap at Home:
  • Brady describes a household incident: their tortoise gets a punctured shell after a dog encounter, leading to talk about unlikely pet injuries.

    “On the underbelly, there is a little puncture... little fracture... So we’re, you know, tortoise on watch.” – Brady [14:08–14:41]

  • This segues to jokes about cheering up by empathizing with injured animals or friends lobbing lettuce at you “like a turtle.”

5. Comic Outlook on Life’s Disappointments

• Advice for the Heartbroken and Unlucky:
  • The group offers their typical irreverent advice:

    “There’s 3 billion vaginas on Earth. One doesn’t like you. Big deal. Go grab another one. Crotch is aplenty for you.” – John [15:42–15:54]

  • All around, the message: Find humor in misfortune and remember it could always be worse (“find someone else's tragedy and feel better”).

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “I built a structure underneath the house just on pocket money. I hide here. Those bitches have been getting... That's what they passed down.” – John [02:26–03:12]
• “If she can pull a yacht out of laundry money...” – John, riffing on household finance [01:48]
• “$30 is not legit. So goes in and starts doing it. Would you let?” – John, ribbing Brady's massage optimism [08:42–08:52]
• “If you’re having a bad day, just Google Oklahoma Tornado and feel better about yourself... That’s what I like to live off of… Read about tragic situations.” – John [13:41–14:04]
• “You and your wild kingdom in the backyard.” – John, mocking Brady’s animal-filled home [14:44–14:46]
• “Maybe Slash will make you feel better... I have no idea, but it’s always cool to talk to Slash.” – John, teasing an upcoming guest appearance [15:00–15:10]
• “Nobody writes songs about milkman. He’s the beautiful milkman. Doesn’t happen.” – John [15:28–15:37]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 00:39–01:48 – Finding $500 in freshly laundered jeans; household economy riffing
• 02:25–03:35 – The “old laundry hustle” and women’s adaptation to the cashless age
• 05:33–08:11 – Cheap massage tales, jokes about “happy endings,” and Brady’s innocence
• 11:17–12:59 – Listener milkman’s woes and perspective shift
• 14:04–14:59 – Animal attack at Brady’s house and the fraught saga of the tortoise
• 15:00–15:28 – Teasing Slash from GNR as a mood boost for the milkman

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Tone and Style

The episode is fast-paced, sarcastic, and heavy on playful roasting, especially between John and Brady. The style is distinctly masculine, irreverent, and at times crass, but always lighthearted. Even heavier subjects (relationships ending, bad workdays) get spun for comic effect.

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For New Listeners

This episode delivers what HMS fans expect: raw, improvised comedy about personal foibles and everyday oddities, with no sacred cows. If you haven’t listened, rest assured you’ll get big laughs, plenty of outrageous banter, and maybe even a little real-life advice (if you listen hard).

Transcript

[A]

You're listening to the HMS Podcast, brought.

[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

Do not listen to this while driving or when full alertness is needed. The rest of Homburg's morning sickness. This is the big red radio. I just found $500 in my pocket. I went to the bank the other day to do some transactions. Megan washed $500. Didn't even reach in there and find it. She could have hit the jackpot. Sorry, sister. That's a good start to my Monday.

[B]

Did it fade at all?

[A]

I don't know. Let see. It's all wadded up like washed money. Yeah, it did a little bit. Yeah, that's a. That's a missed opportunity. That's a goof on her part. Smells like game, dummy. At least I could have a whole bucket of change if she keeps looking through my. Yeah, I might. Megan, keep the change. I'm fine with that. She just squeezes my pocket. Yeah, a little water money. She'll take it. If she hears anything, she'll take it out. She doesn't want the paper floating around in the water. You think she's got a little side account going if she does Washed jeans. Good for her. That's good.

[B]

Buy a yacht.

[A]

That's nice. If she can pull a yacht out of laundry money. I always wondered why she wanted to do my laundry. Like that was a thing for me. Because my laundry stuff. My. Admittedly, my laundry system's horrible. It's a pile. And when I'm out of clothes, I do laundry. Women have that. Maybe that's a real secret to it. That's why they want you. And I can't. Like, she's gotten to be like my mom used to be. Was my. My clothes hit the ground, I'm in the shower. I'M out of the shower, I come out, they're gone. Like, she's good. Like, I don't have a chance to go through and rifle through my own pockets to get stuff out. Because she's so good at laundry.

[B]

See, that's what happened.

[A]

See, back in, like the 50s and 60s, like, men had lots of cash. That's why the women wanted to do a lot of it. They were getting that cash. But now women are getting screwed. This is true. Because of debit cards and all that stuff. Credit card world. So now they're a little more standoffish about these bitches. Grandmothers. You got to do is laundry. Men are notoriously stupid when it comes to emptying money from their pockets. I found four gold coins and your granddad's pants. Look at. Look. I built. I built a structure underneath the house just on pocket money. I hide here. Those bitches have been getting. That's what they passed down. That's why they never. The reason they started needing jobs. Like, we have to work. And we're screaming, a woman of mine's gonna work.

[B]

We have to.

[A]

You don't understand. It's because we started using cards more.

[B]

They're going through the pockets. What's this new number to security? Lockbox.

[A]

And that's another thing. They're gonna keep track of us by doing our laundry. They're notoriously creepy that way where they go through our things. You know, phones and things like that. And pockets. Look at that. We just uncovered your secrets.

[B]

Whoever did Capone's laundry.

[A]

Little tramps. Yeah. The reason Al Capone's vault was empty back when Geraldo looked in there is cause some broad had already gone in there. I know where it is. Follow me.

[B]

It is laundry.

[A]

Found the little number. Secret vault for Al Capone is. Blah, blah, blah, Michigan Avenue. Oh, I'm gonna go to the vault. When he dies, I'm gonna steal all that stuff. Cause Geraldo isn't born yet.

[B]

There's a chick out there that knows where Hoffa is.

[A]

Unbelievable. Or she's got him and already dug him up, took him, rifled through his pockets. We're onto you, bro. Cause I couldn't. Like, Megan just was like, oh, your laundry system is stupid. I'm doing your laundry from now on. No, you're not. I do my own laundry because I don't want. I don't think that's necessary for you to do. And you know, and I don't want you bitching about it later because that's. Sometimes I hear friends of mine, it Was a nice way to block that.

[B]

And you probably told yourself, you know what, by me doing my own laundry, I'll check my own pocket. I won't leave cash in my pocket.

[A]

That had nothing to do with it. Because I, you know, I'm generous, for God's sake. I'm already. We weren't thinking about that. Doing most of the buying, so it doesn't really matter. It's not really a thought process to me that I got to get that money out of my pockets or she'll get it. That doesn't. But I always did it because it's like, I don't want you to feel like you're my maid. But she wanted to be that. So I couldn't leave a little pile. She'd do it. I'm like, stop touching. Now I know why she's been. When I find 500 bucks, she's getting lazy about it now. She's got so. She's got so much. It's just staying. She's not even checking anymore. She's been keeping track of you, and you haven't really done anything very exciting. Yeah. There's no notes. There's no going through these.

[B]

A big one got by the goalie.

[A]

Finding my gay marriage certificate. Yeah. Yeah. She didn't care about the cash anymore. She's got such a massage parlor receipts. Yeah, well, always get a receipt. By the way, you want to write those off.

[B]

That's always good.

[A]

Yeah. That's something you want to keep. I have ample records of my jack off moments with those Asian women. You got a 300 massage. Have you been to that place yet? That's that $30 massage you think is legit.

[B]

Going to schedule a trip this week.

[A]

Brady goes to strip malls for $30 massages and thinks they're on the up and up. Yeah, we didn't know this about you with a bunch of Asian broads. And it's only because you're cheap. You found the cheapest one, and it happens to be in Gilbert. You're like, she not charging. Will you go to chain bucks. Go to massage envy or something, will you? Jeez, stop. That's the only reason. Because they're expensive. When they're legit, it's 30 bucks. They'll jerk you off for an extra one.

[B]

To a place where you feel like you're on the edge there.

[A]

All right? You don't feel like you're in the edge. You're on Val Vista Road or something. You're not on the edge of anything nice. It's. It's nice. Exactly. So you assume there's no but you can get your. I'll go in there with you and get panhandled. Boom. Hey, Brady. She made me squirt for an extra 40. Thanks for taking me to this. No way. Thanks for making me this dirt hole that you go to for your legit massages. Come on. Sit next to a nice Chinese place. Yep, they all are. 30 bucks for a massage? I'm automatically assuming there's an addition. Oh, yeah. If you get 3 10, if 3 tens cover the bill, you should probably feel offended. They're not trying to upsell you. Exactly.

[B]

They do.

[A]

He's so gross. Just rob him and making gold.

[B]

No, they. They try to upsell you with a. Yeah, scrubs. Like a salt scrub or doctor's outfit.

[A]

You not understand what I'm saying. Yeah, you don't understand what I'm saying. You should be more offended if they're treating you like a woman.

[B]

That's why I keep going back.

[A]

I just pick a woman that have so much hair. How about a happy ending? I give you a happy ending. You got vagina. I'm a boy. Oh, that explained the hair.

[B]

Roar.

[A]

Roar. You speak funny. So hairy. Where are you from? Vietnamese. What you talk about, you retard? It.

[B]

Quintamano.

[A]

What, are you gonna jack me up? Don't even bring it up. I'm not doing it. You grow. Go buy sea salts. There's candy in the hall. My wife goes to those chop shops for manicures. She always tells me about the women just talking. Oh, whatever. I could just imagine what they're saying. An old Seinfeld episode. Yeah. Yeah. They hate you. Hate you. Yeah. You should be upset more than. You should be upset more than I am. That Father Dale didn't try to finger me. That these girls who do this for a living haven't even turned down. You're not even getting turned down. You're even getting an opportunity.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

I go in there bonered up. Next time. Ah. I think you see where I'm stiffest. Work it out. Nothing.

[B]

Nothing.

[A]

Have 50 bucks poking right out of that towel. Yeah, you might have some different questions. Next time we won't even talk. It'll just work its way in. Merry effing holidays from the Big Red Radio Holmberg's morning sickness. Are you a coward?

[B]

You won't hear a thing.

[A]

Yeah, you wouldn't. Yeah.

[B]

She wouldn't be there four times a week, Right?

[A]

Would you go back? Would you do it?

[B]

What if she changed up?

[A]

What if she changed Up. It's the way it is. If it changed up. You think it's just so legit for me. $30 is not legit. So goes in and starts doing it. Would you let.

[B]

Would you stop her after 30 minutes?

[A]

Yeah. You'd let her go? Good man. I tried to stop her. At least you could use an excus. Relaxing.

[B]

It's a new scrub.

[A]

I tell you what. It's relaxing.

[B]

It is.

[A]

I've never had it done at a massage that. Yeah, it is. The whole masturbation thing works. Especially when some strangers do it. I can only imagine after a long tennis match or a little.

[B]

That's all they need. We can't wake them up.

[A]

Do you go in there after tennis? Like, directly? You said you did it after 10. You don't go home. You go home and shower first. Yeah. Oh, okay, good. You're not bringing vinegar or a dive in the pool. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's. Yeah, that counts. That's clean to them, but yeah. All right, well, good $30 massage. When's your next trip?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

I'm going with. All right. I'm gonna sit in the lobby.

[B]

Hey, you know what I'll do? I'll schedule a couple's massage for you and me.

[A]

Yeah, we get married.

[B]

Celebration.

[A]

Oh, you too? Fag married? No, we're thinking about it, though.

[B]

What'd you say?

[A]

You get fag married? I don't think that's what they call it. Quan Anne. I hope you get happy fag Mary soon. Thanks. That's offensive. And I'm not even gay at 6. 55. Let's get a Brady report, shall we? Right before he goes for his big release later this week. So proud of him.

[B]

Maybe I'll do it tomorrow.

[A]

Too many crimes. Top release. How many crimes? You've walked by Forrest Gump and you have no idea that the world is just dirty all around you. You go into these massage parlors, there's guys getting tossed all over the place. And you've probably been in several situations with. And you're just smiling and sunshining your way through.

[B]

I think your vision is just different. Yeah, like I. Like, I literally think that the rose color. Yes, exactly.

[A]

That's where that phrase came from. Brady, was it?

[B]

Everything is awesome.

[A]

Why is that? Yeah, he's. Emmett.

[B]

Is that Craggle?

[A]

This is great. Kirby, wait in the lobby. Daddy's gonna go get a legitimate massage. You sure have daughter here. So much sperm in the area. What? I can't understand you. We'll get a Brady report. In just seconds, they're gonna calm him down a little bit. He's a Little Stiff. It's 98 Kup. It's the best of Homburg's morning sickness, the text says. Guys, I'm having the worst week ever. My lady's leaving me because I can't keep her happy. Everything's going wrong at work. I've been having to stay late. I just cut my side on one of my deliveries. I'm a milkman. There's milk men.

[B]

Still blood and milk.

[A]

I can't seem to smile these days. Is there anything you guys can do to help me feel better? Oh, we got to give him back his smile. No. We're gonna have to go on one of those roundups. You and me and Bruno Kirby and gonna find your smile. Go find a cat. I want you to be happy here. Not here. Pointing to my vagina. You're a milkman. How is that not happy? Get back in your time machine and join us now. I didn't know milkman existed to cut aside taking the milk to the stores. Maybe then you're a delivery. Say something about Shamrock. You're a delivery man. You're just. You're not a milkman. A milkman goes door to door and drops milk off. There you go.

[B]

Takes the old bottles.

[A]

How you doing, family? That's what a milkman is anyway.

[B]

Nice doggy.

[A]

Sorry about that, dude. Sounds like things are awful. You don't have a recommendation for him. Roundup. Gotta go on the roundup, okay? Gotta get Ira and Stan and all the gang and go round up cattle.

[B]

That.

[A]

Seems we don't see the big issue here. So you got a chicks leaving you? Job sucks. Just chopped your gut open on a milk delivery. Could be worse. Could have been in Oklahoma yesterday. At least you don't live in Tornado Alley. How about that? There's you. There you go. There you go. At least you live in a place called Valley of the Sun. Think she didn't have a kid in a school where you're destroyed by a tornado? You drown in the basement of it. Yeah. See? See how much worse it is for someone else.

[B]

Milk doesn't have time for the roundup. It could. After work. You could go to South Mountain or, you know, get on. Get on a horse. Ride in the desert with.

[A]

Do a little Bruno Kirby, Billy Crystal. Action.

[B]

He just texts back.

[A]

He goes, I'm delivering to Dunkin Donuts.

[B]

So.

[A]

Okay, that's not bad. There's donuts in there. How unhappy can you be?

[B]

Get a band aid and you're kind.

[A]

Of ruining this whole milkman thing for me because every morning I give my cat milk and I always pat his butt and go, who's my little milkman, huh? You're my milkman. Who likes his milkies? Elgato likes his milkies, that's who. He's my milkman. Come here, milkman. That's all I have to say at my house. Get over here. Milkman jumps up on the counter, who wants milkies?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. If you're having a bad day, just Google Oklahoma Tornado and feel better about yourself. Yeah. Find someone else's tragedy and recognize how things aren't so bad for you.

[B]

Right.

[A]

That's what I like to live off of it. When I feel bad, I like to find someone else's tragedy and feel better about myself. That's a good thing. Read about tragic situations we had When.

[B]

Animals Attack yesterday at the Bogan household.

[A]

What happened?

[B]

We have that. I have that sulcata tortoise.

[A]

One year old now.

[B]

Yeah. And Kiva got a hold of the tortoise.

[A]

So you had a bad yesterday.

[B]

The tortoise did.

[A]

Oh, is it dead, Lily?

[B]

No, but there was a little. On the underbelly. There is a little puncture. Keep. Ronnie came out there and saw through the shell. Yeah. Fracture. Little fracture. So we're, you know, tortoises on watch. What do you do there?

[A]

Bondo or.

[B]

I'm not sure.

[A]

Hopefully that made the milkman feel better.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You and your wild kingdom in the backyard.

[B]

Where I was going with this, John, is where's the snake? Maybe it will make you feel better if just have friends throw some lettuce at you to eat and some carrots.

[A]

Oh, like the turtle.

[B]

The turtle had a baby.

[A]

Okay. See? Cheer him up with his side punctured, too.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

All right, well, maybe that's. Maybe Slash will make you feel better. We'll ask Slash. Slash from Guns N Roses. And of course, the band Slash and Velvet Revolver. You know him? He's a legend. Rock and Roll hall of Famer. He's gonna call us in just a little bit, find out what he's promoting. I have no idea, but it's always cool to talk to Slash. He's gonna join us in just a little bit and we'll see if he has anything to make this guy feel better. The milkman. Maybe Slash can send you a special wish this morning. Milkman. And we'll bring you up through that. Does he have his guitar on him? Maybe you could just play a riff through the phone. Play a little song for him. Milkman. I love my milkman. Keep your head up. Yeah, Nobody writes songs about milkman. He's the beautiful milkman. Doesn't happen.

[B]

Just don't pay for someone to put a spell on your lady to make her fall back in love with you.

[A]

Eh? There's 3 billion vaginas on Earth. One doesn't like you. Big deal. Go grab another one. Crotch is aplenty for you.

[B]

That's six billion labs.

[A]

Yeah, it's tons of them. So don't you worry about that milkman. Poor little Milky. And then you can watch that video of that guy in Holland sucking on jugs on TV with lactating boobs. And you're into milk. You like that stuff. Tell the milkman how to feel better about himself. It's 98K UPD, Arizona's most powerful rock radio station. He said fully erect. 90X KUPD. I'm here on a job site with Tim, who owns his own electrical contracting business.

[B]

Three employees and two work trucks.

[A]

Tim traded up to Geico Commercial Auto Insurance. We're positively here where he needs us most. They sure are. With step by step help on all his insurance needs. All for shockingly low rates. Shockingly low, huh? Just a little bit of electrician humor. Do you get it? I got it. You know, it feels like we have a real connection. Alright, I'll stop. Get a commercial auto insurance quote [e-mail] and see how much you could save. Get more with Geico.

[C]

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