
Loading summary
Brett Vesely
You're listening to the HMS Podcast, brought to you by MMP Guns.com, your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories. Hey, it's Brett Vesely and I'm here with Byron from MMP Guns. Look, Byron, I have a friend wanting to sell some guns he inherited. What's the best way for him to do that?
Byron
Brett, the last thing you want to do is sell the gun to someone who can't legally own one. Tell him not to put himself at risk and come into M and P Guns where he'll get a fair offer and he can rest easy knowing it's not getting into the wrong hands.
Brett Vesely
Okay, but what if he lives out of state?
Byron
Easy. Legalgunbuyer.com and he can do it online. It really that simple.
Brett Vesely
There you have it. MMP Guns or legalgunbuyer.com the safe and legal way to sell your firearms.
Commercial Announcer
Get ready for the most wonderful time of the year. The exciting red tag savings has arrived at your Valley Chevy dealers. Wrap up a 2026 Chevy Equinox just in time for the holidays or conquer that holiday to do list in a brand new Chevy truck. Now is the time to get red tag savings on the powerful 2026 Silverado or the adventure. Ready, Colorado. This holiday season, it all comes together in a Chevrolet. Find your savings today at your Valley Chev dealers Red tag sales event going on now.
Byron
Mary Effing holidays from the big red radio. That is my favorite phrase in porn. What are you doing? Dude won't put his controller down. What? I can't believe this. I don't know. And that's when I really get frustrated, is when the scriptwriter or the director pushes too far. How long they talk about how wrong this is. All right.
Brett Vesely
It's all right. Scorsese. This isn't the Irishman.
Byron
Keep going. Exactly. Let's. Let's cut to the. Enough. She's. She can't talk right now. It's time to just forego the fact that this is wrong. I don't think we should. This is wrong.
Brett Vesely
You don't.
Byron
Do you ever follow the ones where she comes in and she does. What are you doing? And she does some stuff and then like mom and dad come home for a second.
Brett Vesely
Yeah.
Byron
And then join in. Well, no, I haven't seen those, too. I've seen those, too. I've seen them doing it. We should do it.
Brady
Yeah.
Byron
It's gross. But sometimes they stop and then they'll cut to another day. And again, he's in another room playing a Video game. She comes down, we need to finish what we started. And then starts to blow him again. Those are great, but porn? Never.
Brady
37 year old stepbrother with no job playing games.
Byron
You know what?
Commercial Announcer
Porn.
Byron
You know what? You know what isn't sexy ever?
Brett Vesely
It's one of the Gilbert goons in.
Byron
Porn is in the middle. He's like, what are you doing? And then he's on the Internet while she's doing it, and he's like, I did our family tree. We're cousins for real. And then you'd want that to end right there. I don't care if you don't. Would be gross. We're really related. What are you doing? I'm doing it. Oh, I guess I'm into it or I wouldn't be so erect. Bibliography, Brett Vessel. Yeah, that's gross. You can get hard. Play ball. Hey, if there's grass on the field and your wiener says thumbs up, I don't see a problem, man. Sign.
Brett Vesely
Herbert.
Byron
This email came. It said, would Ronnie stay with Brady if he told her he used to be £250? I don't know. Oh, yeah.
Brett Vesely
Old enough to drive the store. Old enough to get bread.
Byron
Oh, what kind of hell. Bill, you're listening now. I've never heard that one. Yeah, immediately attach a name to that. I'm gonna put Herbert Newton on that.
Brett Vesely
That is Robert Hazlett.
Byron
Old enough to drive to the store, Old enough to get bread.
Brett Vesely
Yeah, these hillbillies that we got.
Byron
You see what I did there with the word bread? I get it. You get it. Old enough to get bread.
Brett Vesely
That's from him. I just printed it for you, so you have him.
Byron
All right, I'm gonna frame this one. Bob, if you work with Robert Haslett, if you're his boss, fire him immediately. Old enough to drive to the store. I'm gonna say that every day. That is my New Year's resolution. There won't be a day in 2024 I don't utter that disgusting phrase. Look over there, man, she's young. Old enough to drive to the store. Old enough to get bread. And he spelled it B, R, E, D. He did it right, so he's got a little bit of an education.
Brett Vesely
Yuck. John. My dad and uncle used to call it hunting for pelts.
Byron
I don't think I like anybody anymore. But don't call the news again. Just amicably split. Come up with a story. Find all the people that you that have found out about it and tell them, here's the story we tell that's the way the world used to work. The royal family used to be great about. This is the story we're going with. Anybody deviates gets killed. The Italians. Here's what we know. If you drift and start wrecking our story, you're. That's as good as talking. You're out. I find out Brett and Mathia are cousins. First cousins.
Brett Vesely
And well, you'd see a black eye.
Byron
Well, right. And then I'd see that Brett's single again. It just didn't work out. And I'd go with him like, hey, you know what? They're great friends. They just were going two different directions. But she could drive. I know she was old enough to.
Brett Vesely
Get bred away from the family tree.
Brady
She got bred a lot.
Byron
Old enough to drive. What's going on? But that's a generational thing because, you know, 70s, early 80s was all about like 15 year olds. They loved them. Weird. Good job. Good God. I told you I don't want to talk to you guys anymore. That's disgusting. But. And then, you know, and you can't blame guys like Troy Hayden for taking that call and going, we're sending a camera crew immediately to your cousin house. Why are you telling the news?
Brady
Not anymore. But how long they got to go over there individually? There's no camera.
Byron
There's no camera guy. It's a guy. But 22, 22 years of this, Brady. How many times have we done that? Well, here it is again. A guy in England just found out that his wife of 10 years is actually his. His mother.
Brady
It's one or two a year.
Byron
It's a few a year. And. And the news finds out and still don't know how the news knows.
Brady
Well, how about that? These are the ones that we're finding about.
Byron
Exactly what don't we know? The decent people that find out that get divorced and keep it quiet forever. Yikes. I mean, there's 7 billion people on the planet boning someone in your family's just lazy. Go out and meet somebody. She was right here. I mean, she's always in the house. And I figured why go to a bar and spend money when my sister's right there sleeping every night in her panties and she's. Driver's license.
Brett Vesely
Got a mason jar. Some shine right there.
Byron
There are a lot of mason jars involved in.
Brett Vesely
Oh, yeah.
Byron
Inter familial.
Brady
Well, think about the animal kingdom. The ones that I don't. Prides and all right, stop it.
Byron
Your whole bible is based on the idea that we're better than the Animals. The fact that now we're comparing one family, basically. Sure, but that's gross. We're not the animal family. Every time that happens, I'm like, yeah, but we're supposed to be better than that. And most animals know. Oh, wait, relatives. Weird. It's gross. That's why I root for the alien. I'm waiting for them to show up because that'll be.
Brady
That they're all related.
Byron
That. Oh, no, don't tell me. No, no, no. Is there a new one?
Brett Vesely
No, I'm still thinking of the bread. Driving in the bread one.
Byron
The interspecies relationships that will eventually occur. It's gonna make it interesting. Did you see the thing in Brazil? They found those giant people, like 18 foot guys walking around. I can't find them again. But there was a dude who was in his yard or something. He's looking out and he's like, look, there's a couple dudes walking through this field of like 12 foot, 15 foot grass. And they're chest high. They're above it, they're above it and they're just walking along these giant long arms. There's some video of it and it immediately got scrubbed and whatever. But they're the giant people of Brazil now. And some guys got. Well, there's going to be cameras. We're eventually going to find out something because there's cameras everywhere. I can't find a picture, but it is not normal. And they're just humongous, like human sort of shaped things. And the guy's like, that isn't. Yeah.
Brady
Is this what the escaped doctors from World War II that moved to Brazil.
Byron
Came up with 10ft of grass?
Brady
Oh, geez.
Byron
These things are wandering around Brazil and Yeah, the Brazil alien super tall beings caught on video roaming the hillside.
Brett Vesely
Must have been grass on the field.
Byron
People in Brazil have been talking about this for a while. And there he is next to him. He's. It's. It's a strange video if you haven't seen it. It's on tmz, but like he walks by a wall kind of. You know, they move a little funny. Like I don't know this probably fake, but if it's not, I welcome it. I'm looking forward to the next group that shows up here.
Brady
I did made me think of the. I think it was the Rose Bowl.
Byron
Oh no.
Brady
Macy's Day. No, it was the Rose Bowl. It's the tourism for Louisiana float.
Byron
Yeah.
Brady
And they had kind of Mardi Gras dance crew and about six of them were on those four foot. Almost like drywall. Drywall stilts.
Byron
Yeah.
Brady
Oh, they're doing a full dance.
Byron
Yeah. Those two.
Brady
Like it looked like. Are they? You're questioning whether they're on stilts or not, right?
Byron
There are certain guys who can wander around on those stilts and make it look normal. I don't like it. I think that's creepy. Brady, you laugh. It says here, brady, you laughed at old enough to drive, old enough to get bread, and realized that your daughter has a car in the parking lot. That's how creepy that sentence is. You can't laugh at that anymore.
Brady
That's what it'll say on her birthday cake. In July, she turned 16.
Byron
Oh, Vader, this guy says, my dad used to say, old enough to go to the store, old enough to get bread. Didn't even wait for the driver's license. If she was ambulatory and could make it to the store, well, then, there she is. She's breeding age.
Brett Vesely
Vader. Kissing cousins is one thing, but boning them and having a kid is way left field.
Byron
Sure, sure, Heavy pet with a hot cousin, but don't penetrate it.
Brady
Good lord, that was the rule. Kissing cousin.
Byron
Kiss it. You can kiss her, but don't go all with the fingers and the dilly dallys. If you see her hooey run away, well, kiss it and then leave. As long as it's just your mouths on each other, it ain't incest. Ask your mama. Sister. Oh, humanity. Merry effing holidays from the Big Red Radio.
Commercial Announcer
Get ready for the most wonderful time of the year. The exciting Red Tag Savings has arrived at your Valley Chevy dealers. Wrap up a 2026 Chevy Equinox just in time for the holidays or conquer that holiday to do list in a brand new Chevy truck. Now's the time to get Red Tag Savings on the powerful 2026 Silverado or the adventure ready Colorado. This holiday season it all comes together in a chev. Find your savings today at your Valley Chevy dealers. Red Tag sales event going on now. The fight for the playoffs over the holidays is so much better than fighting with your family. It's Dick Toledo from the Morning Sickness for Underdog, the app where making picks can get you 5,000 times your money. And playing on Underdog is so easy. Just pick if your favorite players will go higher or lower on their stats. My Seahawks, in fact, are in position to secure a top playoff spot and I use that knowledge as I make my underdog picks on them in the coming weeks. Play along with me or with your favorite team and download the app today and use the promo code HMS to score $75 in bonus entries. When you play your first $5 underdog make picks win money must be 18 plus, 19 plus in Alabama and Nebraska, 19 plus in Colorado for some games, 21 plus in Arizona, Massachusetts and Virginia. And present in a state where underdog fantasy operates. Terms apply. See assets.underdogfantasy.com web play and getterms. Dfs underscore.HTML for details. Offer not valid in Maryland, Michigan, New Jersey, New York, Ohio, and Pennsylvania. Concerned with your play, call 1-800-GAMBLER or visit www.ncpgambling.org. in New York, call 24.7Hope Line at 1-877-8-HOPE NY or to 467-369.
Byron
Holmberg's Morning Sickness. If it's old enough to go to the store.
Commercial Announcer
Yeah.
Byron
Old enough to get bread and then the. Of course, if it bleeds, it breeds. Thank you for that. Everybody's gross. I'm gonna pick it up. Brett, this ain't me. Okay.
Brett Vesely
This one ain't me. I don't know.
Byron
Right off the printer, this one says, in Utah, doing your cousin actually makes things hotter. I've been there. Alabama used to have a blood test from the state before you got married. And that was the reason why the blood test thing going away was stupid. Oh, this guy said. My wife and I were looking at family names the same way those two were before our son was born. And in our family tree, we found the name Holden on both sides and realized that's a great name and we have it in common. We're not related, but we remembered later on that week that our last name is Cox, and you don't necessarily want to have your son in Holden. That's great stuff. Anyway, if you're related to your wife, divorce her. Don't tell the news, and just move on with your life. It's a mistake. You had a nice time. Something got revealed again. Brady, if Ronnie turned out that she was a man right before you met.
Brady
Her, I'm not letting it out.
Byron
You're not letting it out? In your pr. I hope you're not staying, because that's gonna.
Brett Vesely
If.
Byron
The longer you stay, the more. The more the odds are that's coming out.
Brett Vesely
I'm Buford T. Justice. I'm gonna go home and punch your mama right in the mouth.
Byron
See, there's the danger of it. Brett makes a decent point that if you're gonna run from that kind of thing, if you divorce her, there's a chance she gets all prideful later and tells everyone. And then it's like, hey, I've seen your ex wife on the news lately.
Brett Vesely
Don't leave a witness.
Byron
And then. Yeah, that's right, the old don't leave any. Leave one story.
Brett Vesely
Yours, James, writes 15 gets you 20, but 16 gets you home.
Byron
Oh, come on, you guys. Get on the trolley here. What is this?
Brett Vesely
Thanks. Penny Mardonas.
Byron
Everybody always brings this into the party. You meet Margot Robbie and you're banging. You do some research, find out your cousins. But she's okay with it if you are. Do you stop? Yes. Remember the word cousins in the middle of your sentence.
Brady
Not telling anybody.
Brett Vesely
As long as she doesn't tell me during.
Byron
So let me ask you this David Morgan, big M, little organ. If you find out she's your sister, is that a bridge too far?
Brett Vesely
Yes.
Byron
Yes. Those cousins. We're cousins. Great. Let me just finish up here. You grab a mop and we're never gonna talk again. Margot Robbie as your cousin is an unfortunate twist of fate in your life. You shouldn't have those feelings.
Brett Vesely
That would basically seal it for me. There is no God.
Byron
There's no God.
Brett Vesely
There's no God.
Byron
At that point. That woman is my cousin. I got to be close to her. Yep, we're friendly, but he's drawn a barrier.
Brett Vesely
Done.
Byron
There is no God.
Brady
I pray to God, show me a sign that it's okay. Please show me something.
Byron
I'd be. If I was religious, I'd be thumbing through that Bible trying to find the one line that I can interpret as like, well, if she's Margot, Robbie hot, I'm you.
Brady
Here's one. When Noah hit beach, you'd have Kevin.
Brett Vesely
Rowe going through the law books trying to find some kind of says here.
Byron
Thou would be forgiven. If it's Robbie, hottest man, Robbie hot. That's Margot Robbie. That must be what he's talking about. Yeah, that's not right. If that. If your aunts and uncles came from and seen him for like 15 years. And their little five year old daughter, the last time you saw her, shows up, she's 20 now. And you remember your cousin Margot? No, I don't. Who's that? That's Margo, your cousin now. Yeah, but she's still your cousin. I got more printing. Is this you?
Brady
Oh, I don't like this head shirt.
Byron
I don't like any of it.
Brett Vesely
Okay.
Byron
A lot of these guys like their girls like their rum. Aged 15 years and full of coke. See, that's funny. Thanks, Bill Clone. Yeah, all right. I'm not Breathing incest is the best. Put your sister to the test. Stop it. Just stop telling the news. That's all I can. Nicholas wants us to do the math for him. It says I hooked up with my uncle's wife's. That's your aunt? Brother's daughter. Uncle wife by marriage. Her brother had a daughter. Touchdown. My mom and my uncle are adopted. The girl was porn star hot. Am I in the clear?
Brady
Yeah. Adopted.
Byron
My blood.
Brady
Yeah. It ain't blood, bro.
Byron
Really?
Brett Vesely
Can she drive to the store?
Byron
All right. Is she good driver? She got a lot of scenes. So you're okay with going to one of your family reunions?
Brady
Well, I'm looking at. It's safe.
Brett Vesely
Any.
Byron
My basic rule is it's safe for procreation. Yeah, you can have a non r word baby with a sister, it's just a crapshoot, right? Odds go higher. My rule in life, it's safer to go along with. Always wash with soap and water after a poo. One boner per room. The third one I'm going to add to this because of you guys. Yuck. Is if you can see her at a family reunion, she's probably not worth hooking up with.
Brady
Well, you know so many people.
Byron
All right.
Brady
What? Family reunions.
Byron
Family reunions.
Commercial Announcer
Get along with.
Brett Vesely
You don't know half those people anyway.
Byron
If you meet at a family reunion, it's wrong. So if you're this guy, me or that guy.
Brett Vesely
If you are this dude, that's. What is it? His dad's wife's brother, sisters, uncle, whoever. And that broad is. Is Dua Lipa.
Byron
Okay.
Brett Vesely
Hey. No.
Byron
What?
Brett Vesely
That's the truth.
Byron
Can do. I know that it's my uncle's uncle's brother's daughter. Do I know that?
Brett Vesely
And was adopted on top of that.
Byron
Okay, well, then no, I'm totally banging. See, I told you. Yeah. If you adopted Dua Lipa and brought her over to my house right now, I'm banging your daughter. Oh, yeah, that's happened. Nathan Hyde, who says horrible things on my email all the time, said. Well, we found the segment that ends the morning signature show. I don't want to meet any of your listeners. All right. Is reverse cowgirl illegal in Alabama? Yes, it is. Because you don't turn your back on your family. Oh, man. Yeah, you bring this guy. Said it. You're talking about bringing condoms to a family reunion. You just don't do it. But yes.
Brady
Yeah.
Byron
Okay, caveat. If I'm at the family reunion and everything's going gangbusters and I'm at the buffet table. Which, by the way, I wouldn't be. But let's just, for sake of imagination, put me at the buffet table.
Brett Vesely
You sell turkeys there?
Byron
Yeah, yeah, exactly. I'm just gonna be looking. I'm not shopping. And next to me. Excuse me. A lot. I get some of those peas. I'm like, hi. Wow, you're from. You're from England. Yeah, I'm Nate's. I'm Nate's daughter. You're Nate's daughter. I've never met you. Right. I'm adopted. Going in right there at the buffet table. Oh, Miss America. If it's Dua Lipa and she tells me there's no blood relation yet, we're going to pound town. I'm still not telling anybody. When my uncle comes over and goes, did you bang my adopted daughter?
Brady
Yes.
Brett Vesely
Yes, Mr. Allen, I did.
Byron
Here we go with the worst sentence I've ever read in my life. If they're old enough to crawl, at least they're in the right position. Oh, my. All right, I'm gonna light fire to all of the audience. And we're just gonna start over.
Brady
Wake up.
Brett Vesely
Song brought to you by I am.
Byron
I'm gonna. I'm gonna light fire to society. Brady, your God killed everything on the planet once. Back in the Noah days. How much worse was it then than now?
Brady
How's the reset button going now?
Byron
Where's your reset button now?
Brady
God, that's why a lot of people think it's happening soon.
Byron
It isn't. It has to be. If he did it once, he not only killed all the people, he killed the fish and the animals. Things got so sideways, he kept Noah and two of each. If you're stupid enough to buy it.
Brady
Yeah, if you do buy it, you're saying, well, he said. He said he wouldn't do it again.
Byron
But not with water, right? He said, no more water, and I ain't coming the same way twice. You'll see is essentially how we left that story open ended. Ready for the sequel. Y' all stay. Were the last words of that movie. But if it was that bad once, what are you waiting for, bro? You're a bad God. It's old enough to crawl. Good Lord, that's the world we live in. And now we're gonna play 17 by winger, which was a smash hit. Something been wrong with us the whole time. It was a good song. And when we talked to Kip Winger last year, which was a great chat, the Kiplinger movie was just an awesome talk. He brought up the fact that the only line in this song he did not write and didn't want to sing was, daddy says she's too young, but she's old enough for me. And he said that's the only one they remember because it is the grossest line in the song. 17. It's still illegal. 17 get you 20, but you can.
Brett Vesely
Drive to the store.
Byron
Oh, man, I've never heard that one. Arizona's most powerful, powerful rock radio station. It's the holidays, and Hooters is serving up the cheer. Grab a friend and dive into the pick three. Just 10.99 per person, minimum two people. You get one appetizer, two entrees and two drinks, all for just one festive price. And while you're there, snag the perfect stocking stuffer. The 2026 Hooters calendar, packed with over $150 in coupons. Plus, when you buy $25 in Hooters gift cards, you'll get $5 in bonus bucks this season. Give the gift of wings. Give the gift of Hooters. Hey, everybody, it's John Holmberg here from the morning sickness. And you hear me all the time talking about my friends at Lost Our Home Pet rescue. We do the pick of the litter and it's brought to you by our friends@turfmonstersaz.com Every week I head over to Lost Our Home Pet rescue, and I meet a brand new, beautiful animal that needs a home. The work they do at Lost Our Home is unbelievable. Not just your average pet shelter, that is for sure. They help people in a lot of situations. Look them up online. Lost our home.org and check out everything we do at 98kupd.com in the pick of the litter section.
Episode: 12-20-25 – PART TWO
Date: December 30, 2025
Main Theme:
A raucous, provocative discussion about a British couple who discovered, after becoming pregnant, that they are distant cousins. The crew explores the “would-you-stay-or-go” scenario, riffing on taboos, family history, and dark humor, while fielding listener emails that spiral into ever-absurd territory.
Timestamps: 04:44–06:39
Recurring and intentionally appalling hillbilly jokes: “Old enough to drive to the store, old enough to get bread.”
Byron’s new “resolution” line:
“There won't be a day in 2024 I don't utter that disgusting phrase. Look over there, man, she's young. Old enough to drive to the store. Old enough to get bread. And he spelled it B, R, E, D.” (04:44)
Brett shares his family’s disturbing euphemism:
“My dad and uncle used to call it hunting for pelts.” (04:44)
The gang agrees: society used to be far more casual and accepting of these relationships, especially in smaller, rural communities.
“My basic rule is it's safe for procreation. Always wash with soap and water after a poo. One boner per room. The third… if you can see her at a family reunion, she's probably not worth hooking up with.”
Summary:
This episode exemplifies Holmberg’s Morning Sickness’s boundary-testing, satirical style. While the show laces frank, dark humor with cultural commentary, it's ultimately a comedy panel asking: what would you do if you unintentionally shacked up with a cousin? The answer, per the crew: quietly break up, don’t alert the media, and—please—for the love of God, stop emailing them about it.