12-23-25 - Nicholson's Earth Day Movie Trivia - 2015 - BO

Summary

---

Episode Overview

Theme:
This special episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness celebrates “Earth Day Birthday” by honoring the legendary actor Jack Nicholson (via comedic impersonation). The crew—John Holmberg, Brady Bogan, Bret Vesely, and special guest "Jack Nicholson"—hosts an irreverent and hilarious segment blending Earth Day themes, birthday banter, celebrity roasting, and a rapid-fire trivia game of Nicholson’s most famous movie lines. True to form, the tone is edgy, quick-witted, and packed with playful insults, off-color jokes, and tons of film references.

---

Main Discussion Points & Insights

Welcoming "Jack Nicholson"

• [01:16 – 02:23]
  The team sets the stage by hyping Jack as a legend:
  • Commenting that Nicholson has “aged like a fine wine,” with awkward metaphors about bottles people still want to sip.
  • Brady jokes about Jennifer Lawrence being “moistened up by the mere presence” of Jack Nicholson.
  • Jack enters with offbeat humor including “You don’t mind if I tickle your pickle while we're sitting here, do you, Brady?”

Notable Quote:

“Because I'm a legend and it's an honor. Exactly. Well, I'm waiting.”
— Jack Nicholson [02:40]

---

Nicholson's Signature Comedy & Banter

• [02:52 – 04:45]
  • Jack’s birthday: asks what gifts he gets (“I figured. Most poor people don't celebrate birthdays because they claim to be Jehovah's Witnesses, but what they are is broke.”)
  • Anecdotes about buying a listener a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue to get rid of him in a liquor store (“I got rid of a barnacle.”)
  • Jokes about Laura Flynn Boyle, faux plans with the Property Brothers for a “threeway,” and Earth Day tied in with libido-laden gardening metaphors (“Free seed for all the ladies today that come by Jack's Nursery”).

Notable Quote:

“When we're done, it's gonna look a lot like Carlsbad Caverns. Stalactites off the ceiling, stalagmites off the ground. Whichever direction they head. I might have gotten it backwards. I don't care. I'm never gonna see that room again.”
— Jack Nicholson [04:09]

---

Earth Day and "Jack's Nursery"

• [04:21 – 04:45]
  • Nicholson riffs on Earth Day by launching “Jack’s Nursery”—with consistent double entendres about “free seed for all the ladies.”
  • Brady gamely rolls with Jack’s jokes, keeping the banter light.

---

Caller Movie Trivia: Nicholson’s “Greatest Lines”

[05:02 – 13:01]

The Game Structure:

• Jack reads three lines from movies he’s starred in.
• Callers must name the respective films.
• Banter and quick dismissals punctuate wrong answers.

First Caller: "Frank"

• [05:02 – 07:27]
  • Jack to Frank: “Nobody likes impressions.”
  • Delivers three classic lines:
    1. “Men are such sea suckers, aren't they?... Scared. Their wieners get limp when confronted with women of obvious power..."
    2. “Three things to remember as you get older. Never pass up a bathroom, never waste a hard on and never trust a fart.”
    3. “Never interrupt me. Not if there's a fire...
  • Frank’s guesses are wild (“Titanic”), and Jack dismisses him.

Notable exchange:

Frank: “Maybe the second one. Titanic.”
Jack: “Yeah, really great in that film.” [07:11]

---

Second Caller: "Pilot Josh"

• [07:27 – 08:53]
  • Jack interrogates Josh about love life (“A decade with one woman? That’s disgusting.”)
  • Movie quote for Mastodon tickets:

    “Never pass up a bathroom. Never waste a hard on. Never trust a fart.”

  • Josh guesses "About Schmidt" (incorrect).

Jack: “Incorrect. Your gut was incredibly wrong, which goes to the phrase, never trust a fart.” [08:53]

---

Third Caller: "Jaren"

• [09:06 – 10:22]
  • Jack is impatient: “I don’t have a lot of time left on this earth...”
  • Brady and Jack fantasize about ordering a “Code Red” (movie reference).
  • Jaren hears:

    “I want the people to know that they still have two out of three branches of the government working for them. And that ain't bad.”

  • Jaren answers “A Few Good Men”—Jack: “absolutely incorrect.”

---

Fourth Caller: "Jeff Goodman"

• [10:36 – 13:01]
  • Jack’s banter with Jeff includes hockey and Minnesota’s “ISIS recruiting problem.”
  • Movie line about rats and social security numbers—Jeff gets it right: “The Departed.”
  • Next quote, “Hi, my name's Melvin. This is Carol the waitress and Simon the fag.” No one can name the movie (“As Good as It Gets”).

“That's as good as it gets for quotes. Unbelievable.”
— Jack Nicholson [12:31]

Memorable Segment:
Jack’s disappointed rant about generational ignorance and threatening to send Brady over with a bag of soap for a beating.

---

Family and Closing Banter

• [13:17 – 14:12]
  • Jack and Brady riff on Nicholson's complicated family history, leading to some uncomfortable, but humor-filled, moments about Nicholson's sister actually being his mother.
  • Ends the segment with typical Jack bravado: “It’s time for me to go. That’s right. Jack’s off so long, It’s out of control now.”

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• Jack on fame and age:
  “He’s aged beautifully. He’s fat beautifully. Yeah. Nobody cares.” [01:23]
• Gift-giving skepticism:
  “Most poor people don't celebrate birthdays because they claim to be Jehovah's Witnesses, but what they are is broke.” [02:52]
• Property Brothers Joke:
  “I'm gonna hammer one of them. We're in a three way.” [03:53]
• Earth Day pitch:
  “Free seed for all the ladies today that come by Jack's Nursery.” [04:23]
• Roasting long relationships:
  “A decade with one woman? That's disgusting.” [07:57]
• About his family:
  “Looks like my sister got knocked up at a relatively early age...my mother was not my real mother...my sister was a whore.” [13:26]

---

Timed Highlights

• 01:16–02:23 — Setting up the legend, Jack’s entrance
• 04:09–04:45 — Nicholson’s Earth Day antics: “Jack’s Nursery”
• 05:02–13:01 — Movie line trivia, caller banter
• 13:17–14:12 — Family revelations/story
• Throughout — Consistently salty, rapid-fire banter with tons of playful insults

---

Tone, Style & Takeaway

• Tone:
  Unapologetically irreverent, satirical, insider-y, and full of “big radio guy” bravado. No topic’s too delicate for a punchline.
• Audience Fit:
  Perfect for fans of caustic radio, movie trivia, and sharp-tongued celebrity impersonations.

Overall:
A raucous “best-of” episode celebrating Jack Nicholson's birthday with outrageous jokes, rapid-fire trivia, and the show’s signature roast style—sparking laughter, some mild discomfort, and a lot of Jack’s classic “legend” swagger.

---

Transcript

[Brett Vesely]

You're listening to the HMS podcast brought to you by MMP Guns.com, your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories.

[Valley Chevy Dealer Announcer]

Get ready for the most wonderful time of the year. The exciting Red Tag savings has arrived at your Valley Chevy dealers. Wrap up a 2026 Chevy Equinox just in time for the holidays or conquer that holiday to do list in a brand new Chevy truck. Now is the time to get Red Tag savings on the powerful 2026 Silverado or the adventure ready Colorado. This holiday season. It all comes together in a Chevrolet savings today at your Valley Chevy dealers. Red tag sales event going on now.

[Brett Vesely]

Hey, it's Brett Vesely and I'm here with Byron from MMP Guns. Look, Byron, I have a friend wanting to sell some guns he inherited. What's the best way for him to do that?

[Byron from MMP Guns]

Brett, the last thing you want to do is sell the gun to someone who can't legally own one. Tell him not to put himself at risk and come into M and P Guns where he'll get a fair offer and he can rest easy knowing it's not getting into the wrong hands.

[Brett Vesely]

Okay, but what if he lives out of state?

[Byron from MMP Guns]

Easy legalgunbuyer.com and he can do it all online. It's really that simple.

[Brett Vesely]

There you have it. MMP Guns or Legal Gun. The safe and legal way to sell your firearms.

[Jack Nicholson]

Cease and desist at once. The best of homework's morning sickness. This is the Big Red Radio.

[Brady]

We are sitting here on the birth date of a legend. I tell you, a legend in our own world. It is. He's right outside.

[John Holmberg]

He's here.

[Brady]

We're very excited to have him once again. It's his birthday. Earth Day birthday. Same thing for him. And he is a legend because he has aged beautifully. He's fat beautifully. Yeah. Nobody cares. Evidently he's aged like a fine wine. It looks bad. The bottle is not attractive anymore and yet people still absolutely want a sip of it. Jennifer Lawrence, just a couple years ago, moistened up by the mere presence of our next guy. I think that's true. Absolutely. She just got starstruck.

[Jack Nicholson]

That's the same.

[Brady]

I don't think she moistened up. She moistened up.

[Jack Nicholson]

I think you would.

[Brady]

I think just 50 year difference, even you might get a little bit plump.

[Jack Nicholson]

If Jack Nicholson came by. And not bad. I feel like, oh, wait a minute. I think I might get bone by.

[Brady]

Surgery to my mother's.

[Jack Nicholson]

Why am I so excited?

[Brady]

That's the age difference of Brady and an infant. Yeah, but there's a difference. Not necessarily in size, but yes, there is a difference. Like Brady, you'd do it.

[Jack Nicholson]

Let's let him in here. Everybody, Jack Nicholson is here.

[Brett Vesely]

Come on, Jack.

[Jack Nicholson]

Oh.

[Brady]

Happy birthday.

[Jack Nicholson]

How's it going, Jackie? Nice to see everybody again. You don't mind if I tickle your pickle for while we're sitting here, do you, Brady? I'll make you. Exactly. And why is that?

[Brady Bogan]

It's an honor.

[Jack Nicholson]

Because I'm a legend and it's an honor. Exactly. Well, I'm waiting.

[Brady]

Happy birthday.

[Jack Nicholson]

Thank you. What'd you get me?

[Brady]

Nothing.

[Jack Nicholson]

I figured. So most poor people don't celebrate birthdays because they claim to be Jehovah's Witnesses, but what they are is broke.

[Brady]

You bought one of our listeners a bottle of liquor in the liqu store one time. Remember that story?

[Jack Nicholson]

I basically remember how he told it and how it really happened. Oh, really? How did that. I basically turned around and said, if I buy you a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue, will you leave me alone? He said, yes. I bought the bottle for $200. I got rid of a barnacle.

[Brady Bogan]

Speed up the cashing out.

[Jack Nicholson]

Let's hurry this along, shall we? If you quit staring at me, I'll buy you something because I got loads of money and you've got a bucket of Keystone. Let's just talk about where we stand here.

[Brady]

Oh, is Laura Flynn Boyle getting faxed over or something?

[Jack Nicholson]

Yeah, I'm fax her somewhere later today. And then hammer away on that piece of paper until dawn. That's just how I roll.

[Brady Bogan]

You hanging out with the Property Brothers tonight?

[Jack Nicholson]

Yeah, me and the problem. Me and the not gay one. I haven't decided which one that is yet, but I'm gonna hammer one of them. We're in a three way. One of you old broads, he wants her bathroom redone. Oh, we're gonna redo your bathroom.

[Brady Bogan]

Happy Earth Day, too.

[Jack Nicholson]

When we're done, it's gonna look a lot like Carlsbad Caverns. Stalactites off the ceiling, stalagmites off the ground. Whichever direction they had, I might have gotten it backwards. I don't care. I'm never gonna see that room again.

[Brady]

Are you into Earth Day?

[Jack Nicholson]

I'm totally into Earth Day. In fact, I've opened up a new nursery. Kind of spread the Earth Day spirit. In fact, free seed for all the ladies today that come by Jack's Nursery. Awesome. Come on by, say hey, I want to be part of Jack's nursery and receive a mouthful of free C. Brady.

[Brady Bogan]

Yes, sir.

[Jack Nicholson]

You count. You're like a little beanbag. All I want to do is lay on you, take naps and play video games.

[Brady Bogan]

Let's do it.

[Jack Nicholson]

I'm in. Let's go to the phone so people can wish me a happy birthday. All the way across across this land Frank, are you there?

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah, I am.

[Jack Nicholson]

You're not that awful caliendo, are you?

[Caller/Listener]

No, I'm not.

[Jack Nicholson]

Nobody likes impressions.

[Brady]

Is that true?

[Jack Nicholson]

Fact. Oh, I know that. How are you, Frank?

[Caller/Listener]

I'm doing good.

[Jack Nicholson]

Don't you have something to say to me? Sit there in that little uniform. That's better. I had half a mind to down your throat, but I didn't. What do you do for a living?

[Caller/Listener]

I'm an inspector for aerospace parts.

[Jack Nicholson]

Inspector for aerospace parts.

[Brady]

That's important, see?

[Jack Nicholson]

Do you have a female boss?

[Caller/Listener]

No, I don't.

[Jack Nicholson]

Good. Then it's a good operation. If you had a female boss, you'd have to nail it. Because there's nothing better than that fear. I'm gonna read three lines from movies I've been in. My lines. The best lines ever. You don't even need the other characters. You tell me what movies these lines are from. Are you ready?

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah.

[Jack Nicholson]

Movie number one. Men are such sea suckers, aren't they? You don't have to answer that. It's true. They're scared. Their wieners get limp when confronted with women of obvious power. And what do they do about it? They call them witches. Burn them, torture them until every woman's afraid. Afraid of herself, afraid of men. And for what? Fear of losing their hard on. Movie number two. Three things to remember as you get older. Never pass up a bathroom, never waste a hard on and never trust a fart. Movie number three. Never interrupt me. Not if there's a fire. Not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home. And one week later, there's a smell coming from the room that only can be decaying human body flesh. Not to be told. Hanky panky right in front of me. Getting too loud. Don't say a word. Or if it's election night and you're excited, you want to celebrate. Because some fudge packer that you date has been elected the first queer president. Leave me alone. Those are the three films. What are their names? Go.

[Caller/Listener]

First one looks the least slick.

[Jack Nicholson]

Maybe.

[Caller/Listener]

Maybe the second one. Titanic.

[Jack Nicholson]

Yeah, really great in that film. There's my music. What's the second one? You don't know?

[Caller/Listener]

Don't know.

[Jack Nicholson]

You're dismissed. My birthday song is on. I like it. Pilot Josh is There. How are you, pilot Josh?

[Caller/Listener]

I'm doing well, Mr. Nicholson. Happy birthday, sir.

[Jack Nicholson]

Thank you. How old are you, pilot Josh?

[Caller/Listener]

I am 37.

[Jack Nicholson]

37 years young. Are you slaying or did you lock yourself down at an early age?

[Caller/Listener]

I've been playing a for the last 10 years, sir. My anniversary is tomorrow and I'm hoping to win some money here.

[Jack Nicholson]

A decade with one woman?

[Caller/Listener]

Yes, sir.

[Jack Nicholson]

That's disgusting.

[Brady]

We're not giving away money so you.

[Brett Vesely]

Could be in trouble.

[Jack Nicholson]

You're gonna get screwed on this one, pilot.

[Caller/Listener]

Well, chances are I'll probably lose, but I'm in the text contest, so, you know, maybe you give me a call.

[Jack Nicholson]

There you go. How about this one? Since it's your anniversary tomorrow and my birthday today, I'm feeling generous. Name this movie and I'll give you tickets to Mastodon. Things to remember when you get older. Never pass up a bathroom. Never waste a hard on. Never trust a fart.

[Caller/Listener]

Part of me wants to say it's about Schmidt, but I don't think that's right.

[Jack Nicholson]

I was great in that one.

[Caller/Listener]

Yeah, you were. It was actually filmed in my hometown.

[Jack Nicholson]

I didn't ask. Your story bores me.

[Caller/Listener]

Sorry, Mr. Nicholson.

[Jack Nicholson]

Answer the question before I hang up on you and your decrepit good 10 year relationship.

[Caller/Listener]

I'm gonna say I'll just go with my gut about Schmidt.

[Jack Nicholson]

Incorrect. Your gut was incredibly wrong, which goes to the phrase, never trust a fart. Violet, Josh is gone. Jaren, are you there? I said, Jaren, are you.

[Brett Vesely]

Yes.

[Byron from MMP Guns]

How you doing?

[Jack Nicholson]

When I talk to you, you talk to me. I don't have a lot of time left on this earth. I don't have time to pussyfoot around with you not listening.

[Byron from MMP Guns]

I'm sorry.

[Caller/Listener]

Happy birthday.

[Jack Nicholson]

That's better.

[Brady Bogan]

If you want to do it, Mr. Nicholson, order that code red. I'm. I'm ready.

[Jack Nicholson]

Are you ready to beat him with a pillowcase full of soap?

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah, we're standing by.

[Jack Nicholson]

Brady's a good soldier.

[Brady]

I'm surprised Brady would do that.

[Jack Nicholson]

I am a little surprised by that myself. Brady, you would kill a man for me with a pillowcase of soap?

[Brady Bogan]

I think I would, yeah.

[Jack Nicholson]

He likes celebrities. I didn't like them that much. I want to see that happen. I want you to die at the hands of Brady Bogan.

[Caller/Listener]

Sure, sir. What do you think?

[Jack Nicholson]

We'll pay for it. All right, Doug Brady, on my command. Murder this guy. Where's your God now? All right, let's try another one from you. Are you ready? Yes, I am. We'll try this. All right. Good luck. I want the people to know that they still have two out of three branches of the government working for them. And that ain't bad. A Few Good Men, huh? Was that the quote? A Few Good Men?

[Brady]

Apparently A Few Good Men is the only movie you've been in.

[Jack Nicholson]

Is absolutely incorrect. Goodbye.

[Brady]

It's your only feature.

[Jack Nicholson]

It's the only one anyone remembers. Evidently. All right. Jeff Goodman. I feel good. The Jew version of my military greatness.

[Caller/Listener]

All right.

[Jack Nicholson]

Poock's in. Both of them.

[Byron from MMP Guns]

Them.

[Jack Nicholson]

All right, Jeff. Anything to say to me? Living legend Jack Nicholson.

[Caller/Listener]

Happy birthday, Jack.

[Jack Nicholson]

That's right. Would you get.

[Brett Vesely]

What?

[Jack Nicholson]

If you could get me anything. If I would grace you with my presence, which I own. What would you get me?

[Caller/Listener]

I would get you the Minnesota Wild winning Stanley Cup.

[Jack Nicholson]

Wow. The Minnesota Wild winning the Stanley Cup.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Jack Nicholson]

Woo. He said whoa. Great. Have you seen it? Minnesota has the biggest problem the United States with recruiting of ISIS people. Who'd have ever guessed that place got so boring you'd want to join ISIS for a little fun?

[Caller/Listener]

That's why I live in fear.

[Jack Nicholson]

Cause you wanted to avoid the temptation. Yes. All right. Now you're making me nervous. All right. Good luck.

[Brady Bogan]

Code red, sir. Code red.

[Jack Nicholson]

Yeah. You want to kill this guy too? Yeah. Brady's got a little murderous vein in his blood today.

[Caller/Listener]

But I love Freddy.

[Jack Nicholson]

He doesn't love you. He wants to hit you in the face with a sack full of doorknobs.

[Caller/Listener]

Oh, well, dang.

[Jack Nicholson]

All right. Here's your movie. Good luck.

[Caller/Listener]

Thank you.

[Jack Nicholson]

I got this rat. It's non cheese eating effing rat. It brings up questions. You see Bill, like you're the new guy. Girlfriend. Why don't you stay in the bar that night? I got your numbers. Social Security numbers, meds to departed is right.

[Brady]

Final.

[Jack Nicholson]

Good job. Get one more and you're a win. I like where I was going with this one. I'll try another one from here. Hi, my name's Melvin. This is Carol the waitress and Simon the fag.

[Caller/Listener]

Oh man.

[Jack Nicholson]

Has a little dog played by Greg Kinnear.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Jack Nicholson]

Helen Hunt is the woman. Come on, that's as good as it gets for quotes. Unbelievable.

[Brady]

Let these people know you J. I.

[Jack Nicholson]

Don'T know what's going on. This generation disappoints me. Why don't you go to the local Netflix? I'm not sure how it works. And pick out a few of my favorites and then sit down and binge watch a real actor. Me or Brady's gonna come to your house with A sack full of soap and knock you senseless.

[Caller/Listener]

I would enjoy that.

[Jack Nicholson]

Enjoy my birthday.

[John Holmberg]

Wow.

[Jack Nicholson]

Somebody getting kind of a kinky fetish out of you. Beating the tar out of them, Brady. Oh, maybe you should try that at home with Ronnie. Couple of swings of the old Dove bar into her head, and maybe she's gonna start liking you a little more.

[Brady]

How's your sister mom doing?

[Jack Nicholson]

Sister Mom's good. Thanks for asking. A lot of people don't know that story.

[Brady Bogan]

You share the same birthday with my sister.

[Jack Nicholson]

Looks like my sister got knocked up at a relatively early age. And in order to avoid embarrassment that Eric seems to ignore, my mother was not my real mother. They turned her into my sister. And I was raised by what would have been my grandmother because, let's face it, my sister was a whore.

[Brady Bogan]

You're over it now, though.

[Jack Nicholson]

Evidently. I'm completely past it. Through a lot of therapy. Maybe not so much past it as I am the guy who doesn't like it brought up too often.

[Brady Bogan]

Sorry.

[John Holmberg]

I apologize.

[Jack Nicholson]

When it gets brought up, the pain comes.

[Brady]

I'm sorry.

[Jack Nicholson]

Brady, grab the soap. It's time.

[Brady]

You got any Roman movies? You're doing Roman movies?

[Jack Nicholson]

Oh, no. I haven't done any of those for a while. Last one we did was a complete abject failure, and one of us had to leave the country. It's time for me to go. That's right. Jack's off so long, It's out of control now.

[John Holmberg]

Hey, it's John Holmberg from the morning sickness. When my beloved dog Dutchy started to slow down, I knew in my heart the time was going to come. That's when I reached out to Happy Endings in Home pet euthanasia. Once Dr. Fixler got to my house, he explained every step, answered all the questions, and created a peaceful, loving atmosphere. Right there. We were able to hold Dutchy on her favorite blanket. Happy Endings made it as peaceful and dignified as the moment could be. If your furry companion is getting close to that time, whether it's a dog or a cat, and you want the comfort of home, the compassion of professionals, and the dignity your pet deserves, call Happy Endings. Visit online happy endings euthanasia.com because every pet's life should have a happy ending. It's John Holmer here, shilling away for new AC unit dot com. Use my name, Holmberg, in the promo code and get a thousand dollars off the already amazing price you are going to get. Promo code Holmer. What a great start to replacing an AC unit that's on its last legs and man did new acunit.com make this process simple. If you've got an AC unit that's 10 years old or older and you want to replace it before it becomes a Nightmare, go to newacunit.com get a thousand dollars off, use Holmberg as the promo code, and check it out. You're already going to save money. Now you'll save more. Save thousands, Save time. Buy online new ac unit.com.