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Brett Vesely
You're listening to the HMS podcast brought to you by MMP Guns.com, your most trusted online marketplace for firearms, ammunition and accessories.
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Brett Vesely
Hey, it's Brett Vesely and I'm here with Byron from MMP Guns. Look, Byron, I have a friend wanting to sell some guns he inherited. What's the best way for him to do that?
Byron from MMP Guns
Brett, the last thing you want to do is sell the gun to someone who can't legally own one. Tell him not to put himself at risk and come into M and P Guns where he'll get a fair offer and he can rest easy knowing it's not getting into the wrong hands.
Brett Vesely
Okay, but what if he lives out of state?
Byron from MMP Guns
Easy legalgunbuyer.com and he can do it all online. It's really that simple.
Brett Vesely
There you have it. MMP Guns or Legal Gun. The safe and legal way to sell your firearms.
Jack Nicholson
Cease and desist at once. The best of homework's morning sickness. This is the Big Red Radio.
Brady
We are sitting here on the birth date of a legend. I tell you, a legend in our own world. It is. He's right outside.
John Holmberg
He's here.
Brady
We're very excited to have him once again. It's his birthday. Earth Day birthday. Same thing for him. And he is a legend because he has aged beautifully. He's fat beautifully. Yeah. Nobody cares. Evidently he's aged like a fine wine. It looks bad. The bottle is not attractive anymore and yet people still absolutely want a sip of it. Jennifer Lawrence, just a couple years ago, moistened up by the mere presence of our next guy. I think that's true. Absolutely. She just got starstruck.
Jack Nicholson
That's the same.
Brady
I don't think she moistened up. She moistened up.
Jack Nicholson
I think you would.
Brady
I think just 50 year difference, even you might get a little bit plump.
Jack Nicholson
If Jack Nicholson came by. And not bad. I feel like, oh, wait a minute. I think I might get bone by.
Brady
Surgery to my mother's.
Jack Nicholson
Why am I so excited?
Brady
That's the age difference of Brady and an infant. Yeah, but there's a difference. Not necessarily in size, but yes, there is a difference. Like Brady, you'd do it.
Jack Nicholson
Let's let him in here. Everybody, Jack Nicholson is here.
Brett Vesely
Come on, Jack.
Jack Nicholson
Oh.
Brady
Happy birthday.
Jack Nicholson
How's it going, Jackie? Nice to see everybody again. You don't mind if I tickle your pickle for while we're sitting here, do you, Brady? I'll make you. Exactly. And why is that?
Brady Bogan
It's an honor.
Jack Nicholson
Because I'm a legend and it's an honor. Exactly. Well, I'm waiting.
Brady
Happy birthday.
Jack Nicholson
Thank you. What'd you get me?
Brady
Nothing.
Jack Nicholson
I figured. So most poor people don't celebrate birthdays because they claim to be Jehovah's Witnesses, but what they are is broke.
Brady
You bought one of our listeners a bottle of liquor in the liqu store one time. Remember that story?
Jack Nicholson
I basically remember how he told it and how it really happened. Oh, really? How did that. I basically turned around and said, if I buy you a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue, will you leave me alone? He said, yes. I bought the bottle for $200. I got rid of a barnacle.
Brady Bogan
Speed up the cashing out.
Jack Nicholson
Let's hurry this along, shall we? If you quit staring at me, I'll buy you something because I got loads of money and you've got a bucket of Keystone. Let's just talk about where we stand here.
Brady
Oh, is Laura Flynn Boyle getting faxed over or something?
Jack Nicholson
Yeah, I'm fax her somewhere later today. And then hammer away on that piece of paper until dawn. That's just how I roll.
Brady Bogan
You hanging out with the Property Brothers tonight?
Jack Nicholson
Yeah, me and the problem. Me and the not gay one. I haven't decided which one that is yet, but I'm gonna hammer one of them. We're in a three way. One of you old broads, he wants her bathroom redone. Oh, we're gonna redo your bathroom.
Brady Bogan
Happy Earth Day, too.
Jack Nicholson
When we're done, it's gonna look a lot like Carlsbad Caverns. Stalactites off the ceiling, stalagmites off the ground. Whichever direction they had, I might have gotten it backwards. I don't care. I'm never gonna see that room again.
Brady
Are you into Earth Day?
Jack Nicholson
I'm totally into Earth Day. In fact, I've opened up a new nursery. Kind of spread the Earth Day spirit. In fact, free seed for all the ladies today that come by Jack's Nursery. Awesome. Come on by, say hey, I want to be part of Jack's nursery and receive a mouthful of free C. Brady.
Brady Bogan
Yes, sir.
Jack Nicholson
You count. You're like a little beanbag. All I want to do is lay on you, take naps and play video games.
Brady Bogan
Let's do it.
Jack Nicholson
I'm in. Let's go to the phone so people can wish me a happy birthday. All the way across across this land Frank, are you there?
Caller/Listener
Yeah, I am.
Jack Nicholson
You're not that awful caliendo, are you?
Caller/Listener
No, I'm not.
Jack Nicholson
Nobody likes impressions.
Brady
Is that true?
Jack Nicholson
Fact. Oh, I know that. How are you, Frank?
Caller/Listener
I'm doing good.
Jack Nicholson
Don't you have something to say to me? Sit there in that little uniform. That's better. I had half a mind to down your throat, but I didn't. What do you do for a living?
Caller/Listener
I'm an inspector for aerospace parts.
Jack Nicholson
Inspector for aerospace parts.
Brady
That's important, see?
Jack Nicholson
Do you have a female boss?
Caller/Listener
No, I don't.
Jack Nicholson
Good. Then it's a good operation. If you had a female boss, you'd have to nail it. Because there's nothing better than that fear. I'm gonna read three lines from movies I've been in. My lines. The best lines ever. You don't even need the other characters. You tell me what movies these lines are from. Are you ready?
Caller/Listener
Yeah.
Jack Nicholson
Movie number one. Men are such sea suckers, aren't they? You don't have to answer that. It's true. They're scared. Their wieners get limp when confronted with women of obvious power. And what do they do about it? They call them witches. Burn them, torture them until every woman's afraid. Afraid of herself, afraid of men. And for what? Fear of losing their hard on. Movie number two. Three things to remember as you get older. Never pass up a bathroom, never waste a hard on and never trust a fart. Movie number three. Never interrupt me. Not if there's a fire. Not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home. And one week later, there's a smell coming from the room that only can be decaying human body flesh. Not to be told. Hanky panky right in front of me. Getting too loud. Don't say a word. Or if it's election night and you're excited, you want to celebrate. Because some fudge packer that you date has been elected the first queer president. Leave me alone. Those are the three films. What are their names? Go.
Caller/Listener
First one looks the least slick.
Jack Nicholson
Maybe.
Caller/Listener
Maybe the second one. Titanic.
Jack Nicholson
Yeah, really great in that film. There's my music. What's the second one? You don't know?
Caller/Listener
Don't know.
Jack Nicholson
You're dismissed. My birthday song is on. I like it. Pilot Josh is There. How are you, pilot Josh?
Caller/Listener
I'm doing well, Mr. Nicholson. Happy birthday, sir.
Jack Nicholson
Thank you. How old are you, pilot Josh?
Caller/Listener
I am 37.
Jack Nicholson
37 years young. Are you slaying or did you lock yourself down at an early age?
Caller/Listener
I've been playing a for the last 10 years, sir. My anniversary is tomorrow and I'm hoping to win some money here.
Jack Nicholson
A decade with one woman?
Caller/Listener
Yes, sir.
Jack Nicholson
That's disgusting.
Brady
We're not giving away money so you.
Brett Vesely
Could be in trouble.
Jack Nicholson
You're gonna get screwed on this one, pilot.
Caller/Listener
Well, chances are I'll probably lose, but I'm in the text contest, so, you know, maybe you give me a call.
Jack Nicholson
There you go. How about this one? Since it's your anniversary tomorrow and my birthday today, I'm feeling generous. Name this movie and I'll give you tickets to Mastodon. Things to remember when you get older. Never pass up a bathroom. Never waste a hard on. Never trust a fart.
Caller/Listener
Part of me wants to say it's about Schmidt, but I don't think that's right.
Jack Nicholson
I was great in that one.
Caller/Listener
Yeah, you were. It was actually filmed in my hometown.
Jack Nicholson
I didn't ask. Your story bores me.
Caller/Listener
Sorry, Mr. Nicholson.
Jack Nicholson
Answer the question before I hang up on you and your decrepit good 10 year relationship.
Caller/Listener
I'm gonna say I'll just go with my gut about Schmidt.
Jack Nicholson
Incorrect. Your gut was incredibly wrong, which goes to the phrase, never trust a fart. Violet, Josh is gone. Jaren, are you there? I said, Jaren, are you.
Brett Vesely
Yes.
Byron from MMP Guns
How you doing?
Jack Nicholson
When I talk to you, you talk to me. I don't have a lot of time left on this earth. I don't have time to pussyfoot around with you not listening.
Byron from MMP Guns
I'm sorry.
Caller/Listener
Happy birthday.
Jack Nicholson
That's better.
Brady Bogan
If you want to do it, Mr. Nicholson, order that code red. I'm. I'm ready.
Jack Nicholson
Are you ready to beat him with a pillowcase full of soap?
Brady Bogan
Yeah, we're standing by.
Jack Nicholson
Brady's a good soldier.
Brady
I'm surprised Brady would do that.
Jack Nicholson
I am a little surprised by that myself. Brady, you would kill a man for me with a pillowcase of soap?
Brady Bogan
I think I would, yeah.
Jack Nicholson
He likes celebrities. I didn't like them that much. I want to see that happen. I want you to die at the hands of Brady Bogan.
Caller/Listener
Sure, sir. What do you think?
Jack Nicholson
We'll pay for it. All right, Doug Brady, on my command. Murder this guy. Where's your God now? All right, let's try another one from you. Are you ready? Yes, I am. We'll try this. All right. Good luck. I want the people to know that they still have two out of three branches of the government working for them. And that ain't bad. A Few Good Men, huh? Was that the quote? A Few Good Men?
Brady
Apparently A Few Good Men is the only movie you've been in.
Jack Nicholson
Is absolutely incorrect. Goodbye.
Brady
It's your only feature.
Jack Nicholson
It's the only one anyone remembers. Evidently. All right. Jeff Goodman. I feel good. The Jew version of my military greatness.
Caller/Listener
All right.
Jack Nicholson
Poock's in. Both of them.
Byron from MMP Guns
Them.
Jack Nicholson
All right, Jeff. Anything to say to me? Living legend Jack Nicholson.
Caller/Listener
Happy birthday, Jack.
Jack Nicholson
That's right. Would you get.
Brett Vesely
What?
Jack Nicholson
If you could get me anything. If I would grace you with my presence, which I own. What would you get me?
Caller/Listener
I would get you the Minnesota Wild winning Stanley Cup.
Jack Nicholson
Wow. The Minnesota Wild winning the Stanley Cup.
Brady
Yeah.
Jack Nicholson
Woo. He said whoa. Great. Have you seen it? Minnesota has the biggest problem the United States with recruiting of ISIS people. Who'd have ever guessed that place got so boring you'd want to join ISIS for a little fun?
Caller/Listener
That's why I live in fear.
Jack Nicholson
Cause you wanted to avoid the temptation. Yes. All right. Now you're making me nervous. All right. Good luck.
Brady Bogan
Code red, sir. Code red.
Jack Nicholson
Yeah. You want to kill this guy too? Yeah. Brady's got a little murderous vein in his blood today.
Caller/Listener
But I love Freddy.
Jack Nicholson
He doesn't love you. He wants to hit you in the face with a sack full of doorknobs.
Caller/Listener
Oh, well, dang.
Jack Nicholson
All right. Here's your movie. Good luck.
Caller/Listener
Thank you.
Jack Nicholson
I got this rat. It's non cheese eating effing rat. It brings up questions. You see Bill, like you're the new guy. Girlfriend. Why don't you stay in the bar that night? I got your numbers. Social Security numbers, meds to departed is right.
Brady
Final.
Jack Nicholson
Good job. Get one more and you're a win. I like where I was going with this one. I'll try another one from here. Hi, my name's Melvin. This is Carol the waitress and Simon the fag.
Caller/Listener
Oh man.
Jack Nicholson
Has a little dog played by Greg Kinnear.
Brady
Yeah.
Jack Nicholson
Helen Hunt is the woman. Come on, that's as good as it gets for quotes. Unbelievable.
Brady
Let these people know you J. I.
Jack Nicholson
Don'T know what's going on. This generation disappoints me. Why don't you go to the local Netflix? I'm not sure how it works. And pick out a few of my favorites and then sit down and binge watch a real actor. Me or Brady's gonna come to your house with A sack full of soap and knock you senseless.
Caller/Listener
I would enjoy that.
Jack Nicholson
Enjoy my birthday.
John Holmberg
Wow.
Jack Nicholson
Somebody getting kind of a kinky fetish out of you. Beating the tar out of them, Brady. Oh, maybe you should try that at home with Ronnie. Couple of swings of the old Dove bar into her head, and maybe she's gonna start liking you a little more.
Brady
How's your sister mom doing?
Jack Nicholson
Sister Mom's good. Thanks for asking. A lot of people don't know that story.
Brady Bogan
You share the same birthday with my sister.
Jack Nicholson
Looks like my sister got knocked up at a relatively early age. And in order to avoid embarrassment that Eric seems to ignore, my mother was not my real mother. They turned her into my sister. And I was raised by what would have been my grandmother because, let's face it, my sister was a whore.
Brady Bogan
You're over it now, though.
Jack Nicholson
Evidently. I'm completely past it. Through a lot of therapy. Maybe not so much past it as I am the guy who doesn't like it brought up too often.
Brady Bogan
Sorry.
John Holmberg
I apologize.
Jack Nicholson
When it gets brought up, the pain comes.
Brady
I'm sorry.
Jack Nicholson
Brady, grab the soap. It's time.
Brady
You got any Roman movies? You're doing Roman movies?
Jack Nicholson
Oh, no. I haven't done any of those for a while. Last one we did was a complete abject failure, and one of us had to leave the country. It's time for me to go. That's right. Jack's off so long, It's out of control now.
John Holmberg
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Theme:
This special episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness celebrates “Earth Day Birthday” by honoring the legendary actor Jack Nicholson (via comedic impersonation). The crew—John Holmberg, Brady Bogan, Bret Vesely, and special guest "Jack Nicholson"—hosts an irreverent and hilarious segment blending Earth Day themes, birthday banter, celebrity roasting, and a rapid-fire trivia game of Nicholson’s most famous movie lines. True to form, the tone is edgy, quick-witted, and packed with playful insults, off-color jokes, and tons of film references.
Notable Quote:
“Because I'm a legend and it's an honor. Exactly. Well, I'm waiting.”
— Jack Nicholson [02:40]
Notable Quote:
“When we're done, it's gonna look a lot like Carlsbad Caverns. Stalactites off the ceiling, stalagmites off the ground. Whichever direction they head. I might have gotten it backwards. I don't care. I'm never gonna see that room again.”
— Jack Nicholson [04:09]
[05:02 – 13:01]
Notable exchange:
Frank: “Maybe the second one. Titanic.”
Jack: “Yeah, really great in that film.” [07:11]
“Never pass up a bathroom. Never waste a hard on. Never trust a fart.”
Jack: “Incorrect. Your gut was incredibly wrong, which goes to the phrase, never trust a fart.” [08:53]
“I want the people to know that they still have two out of three branches of the government working for them. And that ain't bad.”
“That's as good as it gets for quotes. Unbelievable.”
— Jack Nicholson [12:31]
Memorable Segment:
Jack’s disappointed rant about generational ignorance and threatening to send Brady over with a bag of soap for a beating.
Overall:
A raucous “best-of” episode celebrating Jack Nicholson's birthday with outrageous jokes, rapid-fire trivia, and the show’s signature roast style—sparking laughter, some mild discomfort, and a lot of Jack’s classic “legend” swagger.