12-31-25 - Adam Ray - Live In Studio - 8 to 10am - Promoting New Year's Shows At Stand Up Live

Summary

EPISODE SUMMARY

Holmberg's Morning Sickness – Adam Ray Live Takeover & New Year's Shenanigans

Date: December 31, 2025 (Aired Jan 5, 2026)
Guests: Adam Ray (comedian, headliner at Stand Up Live NYE shows), with openers Nikki Paris and Nate Welch
Host/Staff: John Holmberg (hands the reins to Adam), Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo

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MAIN THEME & PURPOSE

In a rare live episode (not a pre-recorded best-of), the show hands the mics to headliner comedian Adam Ray, who delivers two hours of raucous, unfiltered, and highly interactive comedy radio with Nikki Paris and Nate Welch. The trio uses the airwaves to promote their joint New Year's run at Stand Up Live, but the true heart of the episode is a gleeful, community-driven celebration of the absurd—a battle to find the best (read: most ridiculous) Jeffrey Epstein impersonator, deep-dives on roast comedy, tales of celebrity run-ins, and playful takes on everything from moon landings to farting massage therapists. Listeners call in to compete for tickets, and the studio erupts with one-liners, impressions, and genuine camaraderie.

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KEY DISCUSSION POINTS & INSIGHTS

1. Adam Ray Takes Over: Setting the Tone

• Holmberg introduces Adam Ray, who promptly mocks the idea of taking over and launches into playful banter with Nikki Paris and Nate Welch.
• Ray sets out his comedic theme: “We're looking back at the year that was, 2025, and bringing in some lighthearted nonsense.”
• Early joke on the “Epstein list” sets a bar for the episode’s blend of taboo and play (“The only island scarier than Epstein's? Staten Island.” - Nikki, 02:45).

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2. The "Best Jeffrey Epstein Voice" Call-in Contest

(06:26–08:34, 13:04–18:20, 25:56–30:36, and 58:01 onward)

• Listeners compete to win tickets by calling in and delivering their best imagined Jeffrey Epstein ordering at Taco Bell: “Can I have two chicken gorditas and a small Diet Sprite with a side of kids?”
• Entries range from Alan Rickman shades, Tony Danza influences, to (allegedly) someone channeling Fran Drescher. Adam, Nikki, and Nate riff off each entry, gently roasting and prompting more absurdity.
  • Sample joke: “Carter, as yourself, kinda a dud dude as a child.” (Carter, after dropping character – 09:34)
  • Memorable: Roy calls in from a van by the Highlighter (“strip club”), delivers a Count/Alan Rickman hybrid, and wins praise for the bold “complimentary” request (16:15).
• The entire crew keeps the energy frenetic, cracking jokes about Taco Bell, Epstein, and call-in etiquette.

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3. Stand-Up Comedy & Celebrity Drop-Ins

(20:01–24:39)

• Nikki Paris shares a comedy highlight: Justin Bieber and Tate McRae showing up at The Laugh Factory (“She looks like a Dino chicken nugget.” – Nikki, 22:25).
• Nate mentions Marshawn Lynch attending a set (“He just said, ‘Man, you was funny there.’”—Nate, 23:22).
• Discussion of the weird energy/pressure of celebrities in an audience (“Nate’s emotional sigh before Guy Fieri” – Adam, 25:19).

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4. Comedic "Roast" Craft & Stories from the Road

(33:09–35:54)

• Nate is on the global roast battle circuit, landing in the final four again this year.
  • Tells of roasting a comedian with cerebral palsy (“He looked like he got a lap dance from Lizzo” – 34:07).
  • Shares roast-writing philosophy: humor should be greater than meanness (“I'd rather it be funnier than it is mean.” —Nate, 35:35).

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5. Planes, Public Fights, and Air Travel Mishaps

(44:42–53:35)

• Adam recounts a story of defending his wife during a Southwest boarding scuffle, threatening to “beat up” a pushy passenger (“I felt sick, but also I got the last word.” – 50:20).
• Nikki shares a story about passive-aggressive armrest wars; Holmberg tells of an old woman dying mid-flight (“The best part: they just rolled the cart over her” – 52:55).
• Discussion about the weirdness of civil behavior on planes and how stress brings out strange sides of people.

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6. Bizarre Gifts, White Elephant, and Holidays

(53:46–56:12)

• The hosts swap white elephant horror stories: sex toys at a staid party, magic trick kits for kids.
• The power of novelty, disappointment, and playful awkwardness in holiday gatherings.

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7. Aliens, Moon Landings, and Conspiracy Tangents

(70:59–74:35)

• A lighthearted but pointed discussion on new skepticism around moon landings (“I've had a full week and a half of nothing but nonsense and conspiracy crazy.” – Holmberg, 72:29).
• Banter about the possibility of future “moon tourism,” and poking fun at NASA PR and space travel.

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8. Cancel Culture, PC Moments, and Inappropriate Confessions

(76:00–79:50)

• Adam shares the tale of a massage therapist who farted on him during a Soothe session—insisting on confessing after (“It’s like robbing a store and then turning yourself in an hour later.” – Adam, 77:29).
• They riff on first-date farts, inappropriate honesty, and “take it to the grave” moments.

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9. Dating in 2026 and New Orleans Stereotypes

(80:06–83:36)

• Nate confesses he doesn't trust dating apps; says he wants to keep building momentum in comedy and life in the new year.
• Nate tells the legend of Nic Cage buying a haunted house in New Orleans, then building a grave to lift a voodoo curse (“He built his grave in New Orleans already…” – 82:17).

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10. Call-In Resolutions: From Sobriety to Sexual Awakening

(88:13–91:29)

• Christian: Calls in celebrating 10 months’ sobriety, planning to “keep working on myself and stay sober” (88:33).
• Catherine: In a showstopping turn, says her 2026 resolution is to “take it up the ass,” revealing she’s embracing new experiences after 11 years of marriage (89:21–90:40). The team erupts—proclaiming it the “closer” of the show and awarding her the grand prize.
  • Nikki: “Have you met Louie Anderson?” (a callback to an earlier Larry Anderson bit)
  • Adam: “Bring your anal partner. Judy Bloomberg, not that ain’t true.” (91:07)
• Christian, the sober caller, gets two tickets as runner-up: “You get two because you’re a buzzkill.”

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NOTABLE QUOTES & MEMORABLE MOMENTS

• “Staten Island—the only island scarier than Epstein's.”—Nikki Paris (02:45)
• “We obviously, as TV personalities, have a lot of time in our day to think about stuff that probably a lot of people listening don’t think about. I guarantee you most people that are calling in with Epstein voices haven’t thought about what he sounds like.”—Adam Ray (14:07)
• “Carter, as yourself—kinda a dud dude as a child.”—Adam Ray riffing on a caller (09:34)
• “Who would you want to see in the audience? … Guy Fieri.” [emotional sigh]—Nate Welch (23:38)
• “You reminded me of Adam Sandler, the therapist on ‘What the Hell Happened to Me?’ where the guy was farting throughout the whole thing… But anyway, I thought that was inappropriate.”—Adam Ray, post-massage tale (78:30)
• "Take it to the grave. Disappeared from life."—Holmberg, after Adam’s Soothe story (79:05)
• “My New Year's resolution is to take it up the ass.” — Catherine, NYE call-in, upending the show's finale (89:21)
• “We finish on time. That never happens.”—Holmberg, as the chaos finally wraps, 10am on the dot (91:55)

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TIMESTAMPS FOR IMPORTANT SEGMENTS

• 02:18—Adam Ray takes control, introduces the Epstein impression contest
• 06:26—Explains Epstein contest; listeners to call in
• 08:34–18:20—First rounds of call-ins; banter with Carter and Roy
• 20:01–24:39—Stand-up stories: Nikki on Bieber, Nate on Marshawn Lynch
• 25:56–30:36—More Epstein impressions, comedic anatomy of a call-in contest
• 33:09–35:54—Nate’s roast battle resume and “mean vs funny” debate
• 44:42–53:35—Adam’s airplane confrontation, Nikki’s armrest feud, Holmberg’s dead seatmate
• 70:59–74:35—Aliens, moon landings, and healthy (or unhealthy) skepticism
• 76:00–79:50—Farting masseuses and "first date" confessions
• 80:06–83:36—Nate’s New Orleans superstitions, Nic Cage haunted house story
• 88:13–91:29—Resolution call-ins: Christian’s sobriety, Catherine’s “backdoor” epiphany

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OVERALL TONE & FLOW

Playful, uninhibited, and boundary-pushing, this episode is a full-tilt New Year’s party veering from silly to vulgar to genuinely insightful about comedy and human foibles. The camaraderie is infectious, and Adam Ray’s quick wit keeps the show fast-paced and crowd-friendly, while Holmberg and crew jump back in to take jabs and steer the chaos. The revolving door of in-jokes, callbacks, and unguarded listener moments produce a sense of real community, making for a memorable live radio event.

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FINAL REMARKS

If you missed the broadcast, you missed a rare blend of interactive stand-up, local flavor, and midnight madness. This episode stands out for:

• Its running audience participation
• Unpredictable, refreshingly candid conversations (from sober resolutions to sexual awakenings)
• Generous, well-executed riffing and impressions

Perfect for anyone craving top-tier morning madhouse energy and a window into the comedian’s creative mind.

“Look in the mirror. Celebrate the highs, enjoy the lows… shave your head, your back, your penis and your crack. Happy New Year, Adam Ray, everybody.” —Adam Ray (92:36)

Transcript

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[A]

He's evil sitting right here. Come on. No, no, he's not. He's not evil. He's just a bit rude. 98.

[C]

All right, everybody out there, you're gonna be. This is a treat. This is no longer Holmberg's morning sickness. I do. I would only do this for about 20 or 30 people. That's the truth. I am. We are live in the studio right now. 8:02am Just to prove it. 12:31, 25. And the great Adam Ray is here. Adam Reyes brought his friends Nikki Paris and Nate Welch, of course. I'm John Holmberg, but you're not going to hear much from me. I'm allowing Adam to take over the best of Holmberg's morning sickness for the next two hours. Adam, it's all yours.

[A]

I'm done.

[C]

I'm going back to that.

[A]

Shut your dirty mouth. Happy holidays. Merry Christmas. Happy early January 6th, guys. Welcome to Holmberg's morning sickness. We are live in the studio. Nikki, Nate, welcome. Morning, Nate. Turn your mic on. Nate, use the other mic. There's Nick.

[B]

Good morning.

[A]

Yep. Nate will scoot over.

[D]

Good morning.

[A]

There we go. There's that New Orleans twang. Nate, where are you from?

[D]

New Orleans.

[A]

Great. Thanks, Nate. Nikki, where are you from?

[B]

Staten Island. The only island scarier than Epstein's.

[A]

Well, let's get into it. Nate, who do you think's on the list?

[D]

On what list?

[A]

All right, thanks, Nate. Mickey, is the Epstein list.

[B]

Oh, it could be anybody at this point.

[A]

So look, we're. This is the last day of 2025, and we. John is one of my dear friends and a living legend and got us to come on air here because we have six shows at Stand Up Live, two tonight, two Friday, two Saturday tickets at standuplive, I think dot com. But the main thing we want to do is look back at the year that was 2025. And, you know, yeah, I brought up Epstein. You know, yeah, that's on everyone's mind. You know, I do. I mean, if you've watched Caroline Levitt, Trump's press secretary, three days ago, she goes, well, maybe it's a different Donald Trump that he's talking about. Okay. You know, shouldn't you be training for the Kentucky Derby? You look like that's a horse joke. But she. No, she's attractive. Trump, you know, first of all, here's what I'll say about the Epstein list. It's never fully going to come out. It's like, remember Zest soap? You're. You're not fully clean unless you're Zest. Fully clean. The Epstein list is not going to be fully Epsteiny until. Until Trump's out of office, I think then maybe. Maybe until somebody writes a book that doesn't have anything to really gain. But that being said, before we shift into some positive, lighthearted holiday talk, Nate, your top three people, your top three surprises of who you think might end up on the list when it fully comes out in Its full entirety.

[D]

Matt Ryan.

[A]

The Falcons quarterback. What? That might be the most obscure white guy name.

[C]

Can I just interrupt and say maybe the entire crew of NFL today on cbs. That would be pretty fantastic.

[A]

Jim Brown.

[C]

Bill Cower.

[A]

Bill Cower.

[C]

I always do a Bill Cower impression. I'll tell you right now. I was on Epstein island for a little while. These kids over there, they're working really hard, and I think that's a really. I get emotional about it sometimes. Adam.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[C]

Yeah, I can't do it. I got a microphone.

[A]

Can you do an Epstein? Does anyone do an Epstein?

[C]

I've done an Epstein. Watch. I'll turn around.

[A]

Oh, no. We'll be right back.

[C]

We'll be right back.

[A]

Wait. I think Epstein has. He looks like. He looks like a guy that will kind of sound like this. Like he's got a. Like, you know, you see Fauci. Fauci just definitely sounds like a. Like a little. Like a little dwarfy Jew. But dwarfy Jew, by the way, is playing at the Van Buren, I think, on January 24th. But Epstein looks like. He almost looks like a Staten island guy. Nick.

[B]

Yeah, I could see it.

[A]

How about this? Let's all take a stab. How about this, listeners? Can we take calls?

[C]

Sure.

[A]

So I want to give away some tickets to what?

[C]

Oh, your show.

[A]

Don't make me want to. Reba McIntyre's farewell tour.

[C]

She's on the island. Yeah, I saw Reba and the first. She's doing her tour through the island.

[A]

You watch your mouth. Nikki is Reba's biggest fan.

[B]

I am. I love the little firecracker.

[D]

You do?

[C]

I think she looks like a Dunham puppet sometimes. Just.

[B]

She's a little muppety.

[C]

Yeah, I love it. Yeah, I kind of like that. That human element exists.

[A]

She's got. Nikki turned us on to Reba's sitcom, and over the holidays, we got real stony baloney and watched about seven episodes. Back to back to back to back to back to back of Reba sitcom. And I fell asleep. Two minutes. No, it was awesome. It was feel good tv. It's feel good tv. But also certain sitcoms just have a way of, like, hitting the jokes. It was like the stories were just believable enough. Anyway, we're not here to talk about Reba. We're here to talk about Epstein. So, callers, if you want free tickets to any of our shows, Nikki and Nate are opening for me this week. We have two shows tonight. I believe it's 7 and 9. 45. No, 7 and 10. Because I think they want us on stage when the ball drops, when Nate finally hits puberty? They want. Yeah.

[B]

Moment we're all waiting for, by the way.

[A]

Let's talk about that for a minute before we get into the Epstein. What. What I'm going to want from you listeners is your best Jeffrey Epstein voice. We don't know what he sounds like. You know, it's like almost like Mr. Bean.

[C]

We.

[A]

It took us a while to actually figure out what sort of tonal quality he had. So you get to have complete creative freedom here. Take the comedic liberties to. Does Epstein. Does he sound like Shaggy from Scooby Doo? Does he sound like Hillary Clinton? Does he sound like Screech from Saved by the Bell? Does he sound like Dennis Haskins from Saved by the Bell? Does he sound like anyone from Saved by the Bell? Whatever you think he sounds like. Sending your best call in with your best Jeffrey Epstein voice and saying the words, can I have two chicken gorditas and a small diet sprite with a side of kids. That is your. That's what you have to say.

[C]

Two.

[A]

Two gorditas. You're at Taco Bell and you're ordering your order. The number is 585-9800. That's 585-9800. You're calling Holmberg's morning sickness with Adam, Nate and Nikki. And we want your best Jeffrey Epstein voice. But you're ordering at Taco Bell. So you'll call in. I'll say, hello, this is Taco Bell. And you go, hi, my name is Jeffrey Epstein. I'd like a chicken gordita, a diet sprite with a side of kids. The best Jeffrey Epstein voice. I did not plan this. This is going to be the contest for the ages. The best voice. We will pick the winner at the end of the show, which will be at 10am and they're going to get four free tickets to any show of their choice. Guess what? And your tab paid for. And pay it for your tab. So we got 7 and 10 tonight and then Friday, Saturday, I believe is 7 and 9. 45. Check the website if you have Wi Fi. 6, you know, check the website if you don't have WI fi. Go steal the WI fi. At this point, you can steal the WI fi. Also go down to your local ampm. You know, get a phone card, talk to the meth head that lives in your bushes. I'm sure he can, you know, MacGyver some cables into. Into a dildo or, you know, or we can say that, right?

[C]

It just did.

[A]

Yeah, but you can't say that. Happy New Year.

[C]

Well, I don't know. Look, it's New Year's Eve. It's a celebration.

[A]

This is the last day of 2025. So again, your best. Epstein. Call in 5, 8, 5, 9800.

[C]

We have people if you want to go.

[A]

Let's go.

[C]

Carter's on the line. Carter, are you there? Hello, this is Taco Bell. Go ahead, Carter. And go.

[A]

Can I have two chicken gorditas and a small Diet Sprite with a side of kids? Wow. Can I be honest? Carter? All right, Carter, you can drop character. What's your full name? Where are you from, Carter?

[D]

I don't really want to give my last name.

[A]

Yeah, that was a trick you played that well.

[C]

Also. I think Carter's asked for that before. That's. That was a smooth transition. And realizing this is an order I'm familiar with. Let's just ask. What was it again?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

A little too number six.

[A]

Yeah. What? Carter, the voice was very. We're starting off strong. You're setting the bar high. I appreciate that. Yeah. Carter, where. Where do you live? Where are you calling from?

[D]

I'm from Chandler.

[A]

Humble brag. What's going on in Chandler right now? Clouds.

[C]

He's fading. He's fading hard. He was good with. He's good with the pedophile stuff.

[A]

Carter, as yourself. Kind of a dud dude as a child.

[C]

He's a one trick. My Little Pony. That's basically what I call him.

[A]

Carter, what do you do for work?

[C]

I'm a delivery driver.

[A]

Hell, yeah, man. What do you. What are you bringing to the people? Children, most recently.

[D]

Lots of packages.

[C]

Lots of children.

[A]

All right. What kind of packages? This is how the porn stars.

[D]

Amazon. Amazon stuff.

[A]

There we go. How's Amazon treating you? It's not bad. It's busy. Yeah.

[C]

Nobody believes you could imagine with the holidays.

[A]

Of course. Yeah. Any. Any packages fall by the wayside or any, like, halfway open that you just kind of push it over the goal line and see what. See what? That MILF and Tempe got. No. No, I'm.

[D]

I'm too private for that.

[A]

Yeah, you're good.

[D]

Privacy.

[A]

Well, Carter, I appreciate the call. Happy holidays. Do you have any. Do you have anything that you're looking forward to in 2026? Carter. And then we're going to let you go because you're. You're. Even though your energy is palpable and your enthusiasm is through the roof, we got to keep this train moving. But what? And you laugh like Butthead from Beavis. And Butthead, give me a quick Butt head ordering Taco Bell chalupas. Thanks for calling.

[C]

Thank you, Carter.

[A]

Happy holidays, man. All right, so that's Carter from Chandler. Not bad, no?

[D]

Oh, great.

[A]

Nate, if you were to picture Epstein, would he be. Epstein does. Because you see him in those videos, he's dancing, he's moving, so he seems like he's got some energy to his pipes. But also, this guy just came in, like, real. Like, almost, you know, no country for old men. Just real under the. Under the radar.

[D]

Yeah, I would think he would sound, you know, I. I don't know. I don't know what the dude would sound like, but I would assume if he's got all that money and all that, know, stuff he's doing, I assume he's happy.

[A]

What if he sounded like Nate? Oh, that would be a real plot twist.

[B]

It is Nate.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Takes off the mask.

[A]

The listeners can't see, but Nikki, pretend to pull his face off, Scooby Doo, villain style.

[B]

Picture it.

[A]

That would be terrifying if you. If you had a weird connection.

[D]

Me.

[A]

Do you have any connections to any, like, anybody famous, Nate, or in New Orleans? Anybody that, like, runs a Crab Shack or something?

[D]

I'm opening for you this weekend.

[A]

There you go. That's right. Plug your Instagram and Twitter, by the way, guys.

[D]

Oh, yeah. Follow me on Instagram. Nasty Nate, bruh. Nasty Nate.

[A]

B R U h. Where does that come from? Nasty Nate.

[B]

It's a sex name, nickname in high school. Who earned it?

[A]

Who gave it to you?

[D]

One of the dudes I worked with at the nightclub. Just because of, you know, bullshitting. And I got fired.

[A]

Oh, yeah, we can't say that. We can't say that. That's the one thing we can't say. Oh, yeah, we can't. What are the words?

[C]

You can't say. What are the words?

[A]

We.

[C]

That's just one of them. Bull talk and bull crap. You can go everywhere but there. I'm just the referee now.

[A]

Thank you. Thank you.

[D]

Thank you, ref. So I apologize.

[A]

I think we can. You can say fart and you could.

[C]

Say a lot of stuff. You just have to be clever about it.

[A]

Yeah. So I think you can say stuff. You can say the genitals with a P. Right? Penis.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yes. Great.

[C]

Absolutely. Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

So as much as you want.

[A]

So you can say penis and you.

[C]

Can even show it if you want.

[A]

Okay.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

By the way, real quick, has anybody ever. Has anybody ever named their kid? Because you know how, like, Jason Lee named his kid Flight simulator, Right. Gwyneth Paltrow named her kid Apple. Has anybody ever named their kid and stay with me on this Penis or Fart? I don't think so, because Amanda and I, my wife, are thinking about having a baby, and I am about 60% invested in the idea of naming the.

[B]

Kid Fart Fart Ray.

[A]

Well, there'll be a middle name.

[B]

Fart Jonathan Ray.

[C]

I like it.

[A]

Triple banger. That's. It doesn't have a Philip Seymour Hoffman ring to it, but it's pretty close. Just because it's the same reason we named our dog dogs Pickles and Bagel is because you want to. You want a name that makes you smile, that takes some of the stress off the table when you're getting frustrated with your pet or child. So think about that. You're like, damn it, Fart, eat your food. Or, you know, farts. Getting called on in class. Is fart here? Everyone's giggling to start the day. The one time where it might be a problem is if the kid grows up and is kind of, you know, sexually promiscuous and, you know, a woman's like, give it to me, Fart. Like, that's probably. That's probably where you run into a little bit of.

[C]

On my face, Fart.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

That is what you're talking about. Yeah.

[A]

So I. I'm.

[C]

And I'm well adjusted. You're going to.

[A]

I'm trying to think ahead for the future of our country, but Fart for short.

[B]

Farther. You could drop the F and just be Arthur.

[A]

And I guess this just opens up.

[B]

A Art if you're nasty.

[A]

Yeah. This just opens up another quadrant of my. What are you thinking about towards the end of 2025? Because this is what I'm thinking about. We obviously, as you know, TV personalities have a lot of time in our. Have a lot of time in our day to think about stuff that probably a lot of people listening don't think about. Right. I guarantee you most people that are calling in with Epstein voices haven't thought about what he sounds like.

[B]

I think he sounds like Ed Gein.

[A]

Who's that?

[B]

The guy. Say hello to mother. You never saw the documentary about the killer? Something like that. You know, it was rumored I have a picture with Hillary Clinton on her lap when I was six years old. And it was. Somebody took the picture. And they are accusing me of being one of the children that were on the island. Somebody took a picture of me. And Hillary Clinton wrote, where is this boy now?

[C]

This is an admission. This is not it. This is happenstance. I'm Gonna break in again and say, I'm watching a man tell. Please help me, friends. No, you guys are not listening to what he's actually saying.

[B]

No, read between the lines.

[C]

I was there, you bastard.

[B]

So I saw this picture come up on my newsfeed, and it was a picture of me that somebody screenshotted on Hillary's lap. And it said, where is this boy now? And I reposted and I just wrote, that boy is me, and my life has been horrible.

[A]

That boy is me.

[C]

We'll be right back. Wait, he's.

[A]

There it is. Oh, my goodness.

[B]

Look at the hands around.

[A]

I remember that picture, too. I was trying to get close to you, but I couldn't get. I could. Hillary kept getting in the way. She was blocking my phone.

[C]

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

[A]

And there's your brother. There's his brother.

[B]

They wheeled him out of the shot.

[A]

No. Shout out to Mickey's books.

[B]

I have a brother in a wheelchair.

[C]

Well, he doesn't fit on the lap. It makes sense.

[A]

I have a brother in a wheelchair. Wasn't that a Judy Blume book?

[B]

It was after Superfudge. That was the follow up.

[A]

That was Epstein's book.

[C]

Now you want to try another one?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

All right. Roy's on the line.

[A]

Who's this?

[C]

It's Roy.

[A]

Great. Hi, Roy. Welcome to Taco Bell. Hello, this is Jeffrey Epstein with Kiss My Tip. I would like to order two Gorditas with a Sprite and two kids. And I presume that will be complimentary.

[C]

Wow. He wants it free.

[A]

All right. Lot of things I love about this, Roy. First of all, I don't. I can't tell if you were trying to do the Count or Alan Rickman.

[C]

It's sort of Alan Rickman and Jean Simmons.

[A]

Jean Simmons. A little bit. And a little bit of, like, Raul Julia from Family. That's what I was going for. Was Gene Simmons there?

[C]

Very good.

[A]

Wow. Your real voice is not too far from your Epstein. A good thing to realize. Dave Draymond, or, you know, bb.

[C]

Yeah, I do an impression of all three of those guys. It's the exact same voice because they're all the same, which Just exactly what we're looking at.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[C]

I'm B.B. nutneal.

[A]

Who.

[C]

I'm James Simmons.

[A]

Also Dave Draymond from Disturbed. That was a more refined.

[C]

Yeah, like, classy. That was some classy pedophilia, I heard. Right.

[A]

Like, I don't work at Taco Bell, but I wanted to try to figure out a way to hook you up with some free Kids and Sprite.

[B]

Yeah, we're scared and turned on.

[A]

Yeah. The fact that you asked for it was. Was a bold move, but probably what Epstein would do. Right. I feel like he just feels like he's a little bit privileged to. To not have to pay for anything. Roy, where are you calling from? Just showing up to work right now, man. Hell, yeah. But you can still answer the question. Where are you calling from? A van right across the street from the Highlighter. I love that, dude.

[C]

Strip club.

[A]

That's a strip club. Oh, whoa. Let's go. Are you working at the Highlighter today? No, just right across the street.

[C]

Like, what do you do across the street?

[A]

What's across the street, Roy? I work at courtesy Chevy.

[C]

Oh, okay. Oh, there you go.

[A]

Shout out. Dude. Roy. What. What are you looking forward to most in. In 2026? Man? 2025 is, you know, is. It's about to. About to be done. We've got, you know, 12 out, 14 hours. How many hours? A lot of hours. The day's. The day is young. The night is upon us. What. What are you looking forward to in the new year? Hookers and blow, man. Great. Thanks for calling, Roy.

[C]

Thank you.

[A]

Happy holidays. And we will let you know. We will let you know. Thank you so much, bud. And we will let you know what. What happens with the contest.

[C]

Wow. We'll take a break. I got to take a break.

[A]

My high school yearbook quote, adam Ray.

[C]

Has taken over 98kUpd on New Year's Eve. Just for a couple hours. You can go see him. Standuplive.com is where you go for that deal.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And you're going to still go until 10 o'. Clock.

[A]

And until 10, we're giving away four tickets. Free tab for one of the shows of your choice.

[C]

And I didn't think I'd say this in 2025, but eventually we'll find that Jeffrey Epstein voice and we'll Love it. It's 98.

[A]

There's something. Something.

[C]

Check out Homework's Morning Sickness podcast at 98 KUP.

[A]

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[C]

Holmberg's Morning Sickness Little New Year's Eve treat for you every everybody. This is not the best of Holmberg's Morning Sickness. It's brand new live material. It's the Adam Ray takeover. Adam Ray, everybody.

[A]

Go ahead, guys, we're back. Homeberg's Morning Sickness Live. It's December 31st. If you are a fan of this day, that means you're a fan of change and new beginnings and turning the page. Starting over, starting fresh. People look at 2026 as the year they've been waiting for. And whether 2025 was bad, whether it was great, whether it was, you know, where you welcomed a new baby or a new a new partner. Maybe you transitioned. Maybe you converted to a new religion. Maybe you. Maybe you were Samantha. Now you're Sam. I'm speaking of my dear friend from high school who went from Sam to Samantha. Let's go.

[C]

I thought you're doing Tony Danza first.

[A]

Hey, my friend Samantha. You know Samantha, Alyssa Milano is a dude now. Yeah, it's crazy. She was a chick on the show, very attractive, and she's still got the boobs. She just added a. Added a penis. But I digress. No. So I haven't done a Danza since I probably my first appearance on the show. You hear Samantha, you hear Danza immediately. Also a Judy Bloom book. You hear Danza? Horton Hears a who? Horton. Here's a Danza. All right, I need pills. But there is something to be said about looking forward to the future, but also reflecting on the past. Nikki Paris, Staten island zone. Give me one highlight from 2025. People always say, dude, this was my, you know, we're seeing Instagram just being infiltrated right now with people's posts. I jumped on the bandwagon made a slide show yesterday of highlights from the year. Everyone's like, this is the year. And I do love the optimism, but let's be honest, sometimes people post and they're like, 2025 is the best year ever. And I'm like, amber, you went to rehab three times and now you're a life coach. You know what I'm saying? Who's, by the way, quick tangent. If you're a life coach and you've been to rehab, stop. In the words of Erica Kirk, stop. Now. Stop it. No.

[B]

Hey, man.

[A]

Not as good as Roy Zepstein, but.

[B]

We felt it, though.

[A]

So give me something from 2025 that you look back on that you go, man, what a time that was.

[B]

The wildfires. No, I. I would say we got to. At the Laugh Factory, Justin Bieber popped into a performance. He came with his wife Skele, and it was honestly such.

[A]

Oh, dude.

[B]

Just kidding. I love. Love the Chapstick and whatever she sells. But no, that was a pretty. That was pretty exciting.

[A]

Well, give me. Give the listeners some context to why Bieber at the Laugh Factory is a big deal. Okay.

[B]

I love Justin Bieber. I have Bieber fever. I don't want any antibiotics or a shot. I'm sticking with it. I'm sticking it out. I'm a lifer. And he came in with Tate McRae, who's a singer. Yeah, A dancer or whatever. She was so rude to us and people like, she's so talented. I think she looks like a Dino chicken nugget. But it was exciting that they came in to perform for somebody that, you know you love. You know, I have a crush on Justin Bieber.

[C]

That from the island. Because he was there too, right?

[B]

I hope not. Yeah, that's right. He's diddled by Diddy.

[A]

This is one of the. Another Judy Bloom book. There's a lot of. I won't say that again till the end of the show. You get three. There is something about being in la. You perform. I mean, Nate, I'm sure, too, you've been on stage and then someone said, hey, this person's been in the crowd, right? Yeah. Like who?

[D]

Marshawn Lynch.

[A]

Marshawn lynch at the Factory?

[D]

Yeah. That was cool.

[A]

I was there that night too.

[D]

Yeah?

[A]

Yeah. Did he come up to you after?

[D]

No, he left before, but I talked to him.

[A]

Let's go.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

What did. Did he say anything of. Of interest to you?

[D]

No, I just. I think he just said, man, you was funny there.

[C]

You're gonna do it again.

[D]

I didn't do It.

[C]

Good catch, though. I'm proud of you.

[A]

Nasty Nate.

[C]

Assimilating.

[A]

Who. Who would be the person that. If you saw him in the crowd. I heard him in the crowd. You'd go, oh, man, I'm gonna have to bring. Bring the A game.

[D]

Guy Fieri.

[A]

We'll be right back.

[C]

I'm giving my show to this.

[A]

I don't know if the emotional sigh and the, like, genuine, like, man, who would I really get nervous for? They had a flavortown.

[D]

I would just probably roast him the whole time.

[A]

Really? You love Guy Fieri.

[B]

I love him too. He has a lesbian sister. Same haircut.

[A]

For real? I don't know that I will say Earl Fieri. Wait, didn't you meet Fieri at the. In New Orleans, right?

[D]

Yeah, I've met him like, three times.

[A]

I have met him twice. He prices right me there. But Guy Fieri is definitely one of the coolest people I've ever met. Yeah, you've met him.

[C]

No, no, he just refused to be right back. You're just gonna keep saying that?

[A]

Well, he. He brought in with his own tequila. He walked in wearing sunglasses with the light where the lights were, you know, at an appropriate level where you didn't need them. But he does have an aura to him that is infectious.

[B]

He's like a food rock star.

[A]

He's a food rock star. Yeah.

[B]

You know.

[C]

Have you eaten at his restaurants?

[A]

No.

[C]

That would change your mind real fast.

[A]

Yikes.

[B]

Yeah, I've had it. I agree. It's not good.

[D]

His. His hangover burger at the. At the Burbank airport is fire.

[A]

Nate is out here pitching airport burgers.

[C]

Put it on a flip flop.

[B]

But I agree, I was disappointed. The chicken was very fish fillet.

[A]

Wait, Nate just handed a note.

[C]

Should I read it as Nate?

[A]

Well, here's the thing.

[C]

He says here, he's like, p word and cig. Wait a second. Why did you hand that to me? First of all, I didn't know if.

[D]

I could say that.

[A]

Nate just. Did you just drop an F bomb?

[C]

No, no. He said, I know they could say that.

[D]

Oh, I didn't know I could say that.

[A]

Oh, first of all, Nate. Okay, the emotional sigh before Guy Fieri.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

New favorite moment of 2025. Then you write a note like, we're in fourth grade and you're passing it to your teacher, who you have a crush on, by the way. You pass that. Not like the confidence of handing it to a girl.

[C]

You.

[A]

You were handing it to a teacher to be like, hey, you ever been motorboated by a 10 year old, you know? Yeah. And then my third favorite thing about that, a whole exchange. Homeberg, your ability to pick up on a voice right away and nail a nasty Nate.

[C]

Well, the best part is he dots his eyes with a heart so it didn't feel very strangely. Eighth grade, we got more people if you want to try some.

[A]

Let's take another Epstein voice.

[C]

Let's try Chris. He's been waiting for a minute. Chris.

[A]

Hey, Chris. Welcome to. Welcome to Taco Bell. May I take your order?

[D]

Hello.

[C]

Thanks for trying, Chris.

[A]

For trying, Chris.

[C]

That one John's on the line. Go with him.

[A]

Welcome to Taco Bell. May I take your order? Damn Taco Bell. This line ain't moving out here, man. You got like one guy back there working now. We've got. We've got six people, man. They can't. This, this is. This sucks. But you know what? I want to get a couple of them gorditas, okay? They remind me of the cute little senoritas back on my Caribbean island.

[C]

You know what I mean?

[A]

No, I don't, sir. I work at Taco Bell for eight bucks an hour. Okay, well then give me a little, tiny little sprite. The littler the better. Not bad, not bad. All right, all right. No, no, no, no, I won't. I want a side of kids and lots of napkins and extra sauce. Yeah, nobody got the point. After the little Sprite and a beefy five year old burrito, you know what you should do? Yeah, don't. Don't be dragging my name out there for comic relief. That ain't cool, bro.

[C]

Oh, I'm sorry about that, Jeffrey. I'll. I didn't. I didn't want to offend Jeffrey Epson.

[A]

Yeah, sorry, Jeffrey, I've been out of line.

[C]

But not.

[A]

Open it up to the ladies for the Ghislaine Maxwell. All right, well, happy, happy Hanukkah. And we will, we will, we will let you know. Well, okay, so that one was a little. It's a little Tony Danzy. A little. A little. Just sticking to his own voice, putting a little spin. The guys, the whole point of this competition is first of all to have some. Some holiday fun, but also to really challenge yourself and push yourself. I think 20, 25 was a year of. How would you sum up this year? Right? There's going to be a lot of magazines and websites, Buzzfeed highlights, two girls, one cup that are all being like, hey, what are. How do you sum the year up in a couple words or a sentence?

[B]

It was like the Coldplay Affairs.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

People on the screen. Shocking.

[A]

Shocking. Regretful. Yeah. Caught. Caught. Yeah. People, everybody was just, like, outed. Like, this was a year of just like. You couldn't believe it. Well, believe it. This was the Ripley's Believe it or not of years. Where's Dean Cain? I'll tell you where. Getting ready to rush the Capitol. What a psycho. Who knew Superman was a super freak shout out to Rick James, but he. Yeah, that. So we want you to push yourself and think of, you know, truly what Epstein might sound like. And then call in and got two more.

[C]

You want to keep going?

[A]

Let's. Let's grab another.

[C]

Brian's on the line. Brian, are you there?

[D]

Oh, can this thing. This ain't working.

[A]

Yeah, welcome to Taco Bell. Can I take your order?

[D]

Oh, my God. I keep dropping my bridle outside. I'm looking to see if I can.

[A]

Get a couple of chicken gorditas, a.

[D]

Diet Sprite zero and a side of kids.

[A]

Yeah, I think we can work that out for you. And sir, what is your name again?

[C]

Puka.

[A]

Nakua for the order. Circle gets a square. Jeffrey. Okay, great. And Jeffrey, just pull around to the second window.

[C]

Yeah, hang on, Jeffrey. I think.

[A]

Oh, I like the first window better. Oh, God.

[C]

Someone's earlier window first. The first window sounds like a bouncer.

[A]

At a glory hole.

[B]

Was that Fran Drescher?

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

All right, well, what was that guy's name?

[C]

Brian.

[A]

Brian. Okay.

[C]

I like Brian.

[A]

Yeah. So Brian so far.

[C]

We're gonna put Brian on hold.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

All right. Hang on, Brian.

[A]

Well, wait, so how do we do we have to pick these the winner before 10am which probably we probably should.

[C]

Because they need to know if they've won. And then otherwise you're asking me to write down everyone's phone number and I ain't working.

[A]

That's right. I barely am here. Yeah. You guys need to know this. By the way, for those of you listening, longtime listeners or first time listeners, obviously you know what you're doing. You know the legend that we are around right now. But this dude came in on his day off to help us out because he's a G and I promised him dinner and. But let's.

[C]

Let's be honest of how it happened. I scrambled for days to get someone else to do that, and then I said, screw it, I'll do it.

[A]

That's a big time move because I like Adam.

[C]

Yeah. Anybody else's? I try to get somebody else to do it, but I was like, you know, it'll be fun.

[A]

You did say 30 people you at.

[C]

Least 25 or 30 of. That's the minimum. I mean, there's nothing. There's not a. Let's say a second grade classroom amount of people that I do this for. You're one of them.

[A]

I love you, dude.

[C]

I love you back.

[A]

Well, this. This feels like a good time to ask. Ask nasty Nate. Nate, give me a highlight of 2025. 2026 was the year of Bieber showing up. Oh, Nikki, Paris.

[D]

I think one of the highlights for me was leaving the country for the first time.

[A]

Where'd you go?

[D]

I went to London and I went to Barcelona.

[A]

Now I would fund a travel show. Seeing Nate travel around the world.

[D]

Right.

[A]

You've just met Nate, I think, really for the first time. I think you met him briefing before Johnny.

[C]

But.

[A]

But Nate has the vibe of someone you want to just blindfold and Let me finish. Yeah. And drop. And then put some in his mouth. No, and then drop him in a country or a place he's ever been and then see him just assimilate to that. That said location. So give us some of your first impressions of London, England.

[D]

London was awesome. The food was not awesome, but. Yeah, but I. I enjoyed it, man. I like the way they talk over there.

[A]

I smoke.

[D]

I smoked a cigarette in front the Big Clock.

[A]

Y. Big Ben.

[C]

Sure.

[D]

Maybe another name, but.

[A]

Yeah, he's a clock. He's not a guy. Yeah. Wait, what?

[C]

The Big Clock is sort of the Reno of Big Ben. It's the other one. There might actually be a Big Clock.

[A]

Yeah, there might be, actually. What? Can you do an English accent? This is your. This is your Epstein.

[D]

Okay, My Epstein sounds like a border. Kids, could I get. Hello, Could I get a.

[A]

There you go.

[D]

Large kids, a Diller, please.

[A]

Nate's laugh is Snoop Dogg. There is. There is few things I love more than Nate's laugh.

[C]

Thanks.

[A]

And Nate, you have a great la. It's infectious. But also you have that thing where sometimes you laugh after the joke, like my stepdad does, and I can't tell. I then have to. I get so locked into your laugh that I forget what you said. And then I have to ask myself, is what Nate said was funny or did he make himself laugh? And now I'm going to start laughing because of what he said. But you did say something. What did you say in New Orleans? Was it. Is it appropriate for radio? What did you say when we were at the super bowl in New Orleans? It was me. You. My wife, Cam Hayward. We were out in New Orleans. We were.

[C]

Wait, the Steelers came here?

[A]

Oh, good friend of mine. You want me to get him on the show for you?

[C]

I'd love it. Absolutely.

[A]

Done and done. All right.

[C]

Consider it.

[A]

I wonder if he would pick up right now.

[C]

Oh, my God. Don't do it now. Okay.

[A]

Why?

[C]

Because while we can do it, we'll do it. Yeah, text him and ask him.

[A]

You are. Are you awake?

[C]

You up? What are you wearing?

[A]

I'm on. I'm on. Nate, tell another story about London.

[D]

Oh, yeah. London was awesome.

[C]

Got.

[D]

I get to go out because I do rose battle, and so I'm good at calling people fat, stupid, and gay and.

[B]

No offense taken.

[D]

In clever ways. And. And they sent me. They paid for me to go across the country, and wow. I finished third in the world to roasting, and now I'm in the final four again this year at the mothership.

[C]

Holy cow. That's outstanding. And they send you to London to roast.

[D]

Last year, it was in London. This year it's in Austin.

[C]

Do you. Do you roast Englishmen when you're there.

[B]

Somewhere with worse teeth?

[A]

I was going to say, yeah.

[C]

Like, they give you a different target.

[D]

It was me, a guy from New York, a Scottish guy, and a British guy who lives in Japan.

[C]

So, like, international roast. So, like, would Africa be on the list ever? They don't know what roasts are, probably.

[D]

I don't know if they have them over there, but I know they got them in Japan, Scotland, Barcelona.

[C]

No kidding.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

And you're on the circuit.

[D]

Yeah.

[C]

It's outstanding.

[A]

Nate's a great roast writer. Nate is there. I'm trying to think of that thing you said. No one. So we're not gonna remember it, but what's. What's one of your best roast jokes you've done to someone and paint the picture of who they are?

[D]

One of my favorite personal ones was I battled this guy with cerebral palsy. He sits in a wheelchair, like, kind of like that.

[A]

And for the listeners, Nate did a little. The T. Rex. Little pausing.

[D]

I said, he looked like he got a lap dance from Lizzo.

[C]

And then third place.

[D]

I battled this fat chick, and she made a joke about Hurricane Katrina about. Because I'm like, my Hurricane Katrina destroyed my hometown. So she made a joke about that.

[A]

Yikes.

[D]

She's a big. A big chick.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

So I said, yeah, Paige knows all about devastation. She destroyed more patio furniture than hurricane.

[A]

Funny. Funny. Bang. Got her back.

[D]

I just. I don't know if I could say. I don't know if I want to tell the other one, because I don't want to get in trouble.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

He points to me like, all right, that's it.

[B]

Pass him another note.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[D]

Can I say writing it down?

[C]

Probably not.

[D]

That's why.

[C]

Yeah. I'm assuming that the content involved before that word is going to make it worse.

[A]

Is there an art to writing roast joke, Nate? Like, I, you know, it's not something that I am totally comfy with. I, you know, have done it a few times. Like, you know, when I did the roasted jelly roll, did the. Did a few on Kid Rock that I feel pretty good about where I said he looked like Snoop Dogg and white face.

[D]

Yeah.

[A]

Or I said kid Rock, you're. You know, I'll make this quick. I know you got to get back to talking too louder to Cracker Barrel. Crack or barrel is how Kid Rock's life is going to end. You know, he did not laugh. Most of the crowd did. But. But it's always that balance of, like, too far, too mean. But also, you're, like, funny should trump everything, right?

[D]

Yeah, absolutely. And it's like, I always like to have it, like, funnier than it is. Like a messed up, like. Like, mean.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

I'd rather it be funnier than it is mean.

[A]

Right.

[D]

Like, some people like to go mean, and it's not even that funny.

[A]

Right.

[D]

Funny, because mean. But for me, I like. It's always a friend that I'm always roasting or somebody I know or whatever, so I like to have a good time with it. And it's, you know, it's about, like, almost like a really hard, backhanded compliment.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

You know, I'm saying, like, up.

[A]

Has Jeff Ross given you any roast advice?

[D]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, all the time. He. The best advice he ever gave me is just be yourself. And, you know, the backhanded compliment thing.

[A]

Yeah. So, yeah. All right, great. Thanks for coming in, guys. Great.

[C]

All right, we're going to go till 10, but that's it. Adam Ray, everybody. Let's take a break. We got to take another.

[A]

We got to take another break.

[C]

We have a very popular show.

[A]

Who are we going to cut to? What. What songs?

[C]

Oh, it's not a song. Got to do commercials.

[A]

Great.

[C]

Pay for everything that's happening.

[A]

Great. Which is free shout out Laura's via Larry's. Yeah, our. But. No, our. But. Joe Lowry's Glass Company. Yeah.

[D]

What's that call for a great piece of glass? You know what I'm saying?

[A]

That's not the slogan. It is now. It should be.

[C]

What is The. What is.

[A]

Look it up. Lowry's Glass. They do custom glass. Glass doors, I think. Mostly doors.

[B]

Windows.

[D]

Windows made out of glass.

[C]

Are you getting free glass for this? You such a. I should be.

[D]

He told me, dear friend of us, a nice piece of glass. How about that?

[A]

Google him. Joe Lowry's. I think if you Google Joe Lowry's glass, the appropriate info should come up. Yeah.

[C]

In Phoenix.

[B]

Az.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Oh, no kidding.

[A]

In. In. Somewhere at az. We were there. We were there last night.

[C]

All right.

[A]

I've had a holiday bang.

[C]

Never heard of it.

[A]

Holiday shebang.

[C]

Thanks for calling me. It's great. I got up early for you, but I didn't want to go to a party or anything. We're good. Adam Ray's taking over the show. Oh, no, I'm not sure.

[A]

I was not.

[C]

John Lovitz comes in in the next few minutes. He's got a show this weekend that is going in. He. He said he was going to sleep through it and he goes, my show is sold out. I don't need the help.

[A]

Oh, yikes.

[C]

Caliendo was going to come in, but he's not coming. It's. Nobody's getting up on.

[A]

John is sold out. John. Yeah. Love it. So funny.

[C]

You're sold out.

[A]

Wait, real. We're close. We're close to it, but we need help. The first time I met John was the Laugh Factory green room in Las Vegas. And they walk in, he's wearing a huge coat because it's cold in the green room, but he's wearing the biggest parka. Like it looked like he was about to go join the cast of Snow Dogs in Alaska. And I go, I go, I go, hey, John, can we get a bigger coat for you? And he goes, ha ha. He goes, look at me, I'm Adam Ray in my cool hat and my Jew shoes. We'll be right back. Something, something.

[C]

Check out homework's Morning Sickness [e-mail] hey, it's John Holmer here from the morning Sickness to tell you about underdog. Playing on underdog is easy. Just pick whether your favorite players are going to go higher or lower on stats like points, rebounds, steals, and more. This week I'm looking at the NBA when Benyama is going to be higher than 10 rebounds in a game. Devin Booker. I'm going higher than six assists in his next game. Download the app today and use the promo code HMS to score $75 in bonus entries when you play your first $5. That's promo code HMS. Underdog make picks win money. Must be 18 plus, 19 plus in Alabama, Nebraska, 19 plus in Colorado for some games, 21 plus in Arizona, Massachusetts and Virginia and present in a state where underdog fantasy operates. Terms apply. See assets.underdogfantasy.com web play and getterms_dfs.HTML for details. Offer not valid in Maryland, Michigan, New Jersey, New York, Ohio and Pennsylvania. Concerned with your play called 1-800- gambler or visit www.ncpcgambling.org in New York, call the 24.7hope line at 1-877-8-HOPE NY or text Hopeny 467369. Holmberg's Morning Sickness all right, it is. It's 8:54. I don't know where you have to be this morning and I'm sorry you have to go work. But this is a live just a takeover. Adam Ray, who is at Stand Up Live with Nikki and Nate tonight. No, tomorrow, right? Oh, it's tonight. Tonight is New Year's Eve. Tonight is New Year's Eve and you get a ticket. Standuplive.com Two shows downtown. You got the early show, the late show. They got some tickets dragging around for each one if you want to grab them. Standuplive.com to see Adam Ray, who has taken over homework's morning sickness, the best of so you don't have to listen to any more crappy reruns. Ladies and gentlemen, it's Mr. Adam Ray.

[A]

Thank you so much, John. First time caller, longtime listener. This is my favorite, excuse me, Monkeypox, favorite radio show of all time. And if you've listened to the Holmberg's Morning Sickness, you know that it's a show about quality. It's a show about giggles, fun. But it's also a show about reflection. And I want to take a moment to shout out my highlight of 2025. I've got a few. I got to perform with Dave Chappelle, my favorite comedian, at his summer camp outdoors pavilion. His we did two stand up shows in a Dr. Phil at his club, the Firehouse in Yellow Springs. But I also got to perform for his birthday show. Big highlight. But another big highlight was meeting Woody Harrelson. I don't know if you know who Woody Harrelson is. Of Cheers, of White Men Can't Jump, of Zombieland. He was at a Kill Tony, unbeknownst to me when I dressed up as Tony Hinchcliffe and went on Kill Tony. And I don't think I've told the story on air anywhere, but Woody comes up into the green room and I'm dressed as Tony and he goes man, he goes, this is crazy, man. And I'm trying. I can't do a Woody voice. But he has. He was. Look, he was on a lot of substances, as well he should be. You know, he's a known active vocal stoner, but I think he had some other combinations going on as well. But he's got a real, you know, like, that, man. Like, you know, and. And he goes, man, this is crazy right now. He's like, you kind of got a little Johnny Depp going on, man. And so then I started going to, you know, Woody. I was actually on an episode of Cheers in 1992, and he was like, you guys stopped me, freaking me out. And Woody's buddy was there, and he was like, his stand in for like the last 30, 40 years. And he comes up to me, and this guy was on everything. Ecstasy, Plan B gushers. And he comes up and he was just like. He's like, oh, man.

[C]

Dude.

[A]

Dude, you are crazy. You are out of your mind, man. Dude. Oh, my. Dude. Hey, hey, dude, I'm Woody Stan. I've been woody Stan for 30 years. Hey, man, hey, I'm on. Dude, I'm tripping balls right now. I'm on xt, dude. Hey, hey, hey. Don't tell anybody. Don't tell anybody. Shh. I'm just kidding. You can tell everybody walked away, came back four minutes later, did that exact same monologue again. And do that four more times in the next 12 minutes. I go up to Woody. I go, your buddy is out of his mind. He's like, yeah, man, he's on everything. He's like, we're on a lot of stuff tonight. And then he goes, you want some of this weed? I take a hit of Woody Harrelson's weed, and this is my whole point of the story. Kids don't do drugs unless it's with celebrities because they have the best stuff. And by the best stuff, I mean the lay stuff. There was something in this joint that probably. Probably Woody knows what he's doing. Another Judy Bloom book. But. But I. I don't want to say I forgot math, but I definitely couldn't remember my middle name, which is. Do we. Does anybody know. Take a guess.

[D]

Your middle name.

[A]

The winner gets a free Gatorade. Zero.

[D]

Your middle name.

[A]

No, Susan Sarandon's middle name. Are you paying attention? Yeah, yeah.

[C]

He's writing dirty words down.

[A]

Nate's writing down, who the hell is Judy Blume, by the way? That was her final book before she passed away.

[C]

She's still alive.

[A]

She is Alive. We'll be right back. She's still alive.

[D]

Yes.

[C]

You didn't know that? You had Judy Bloom still alive.

[A]

That's still funny. That is the sequel to who that was Judy Bloom.

[C]

Hey, wait. Judy Blume, still alive is the follower. Hold on. I'm not dead yet.

[A]

Oh, my God. Wait. Stop. And my mom will shoot.

[C]

Are you there, God? It's me, Judy Blum.

[A]

Not yet. Wait a second. All right, we'll. We'll give you a full Judy Bloom tutorial in a bit. She was a children's book author.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

She wrote Super Fudge. She wrote.

[B]

Yeah. Are you there, Pickle juice?

[D]

She was Dr. Seuss's side piece.

[A]

Pretty much. That's right. Pretty much. Yeah. He put one. One fish, two fingers or whatever. Yeah, yeah.

[C]

Port and hears it.

[A]

John Holmberg, home court advantage.

[C]

He's behind the way around the building.

[A]

Daddy Mike.

[C]

Yeah. I took a shot from the corner.

[A]

Wait, okay, so Adam Stingray. I take a hit.

[C]

That's a good name.

[A]

Adam Stingray. Stingray I got. As a young boy. I got. What were the nicknames? I got.

[C]

I got. Ray. You're still bothering your.

[A]

I got Stingray, I got Gay Ray. Okay. I got. I got. Your dad left. I got. And then I got penis and boobs. Kid. Because I was a big kid.

[C]

Is it Theodore? I'm gonna go ahead and shoot a Theodore at you. Middle name.

[A]

Oh, my.

[C]

Is he not paying attention?

[A]

Sorry. I got. We went on the Sarandon tent. Sarandon Tangent. Yeah, Sarandon Tangent.

[C]

A Saranjin. It's a thing. What is your middle name?

[A]

We'll keep it in. It's. I'm gonna give you. If I give you the letter, you're gonna guess it.

[C]

Okay. It's Eugene.

[A]

How dare you.

[C]

Okay.

[A]

Just seeing as you threw. Gene Ray threw an E out.

[C]

I would have guessed it.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

M. Malcolm.

[A]

Wrong. Wrong.

[B]

Mildred.

[C]

Mildred is good.

[A]

You're fired.

[B]

Mario.

[A]

Mario. Adam. Mario Ray.

[D]

Matthew.

[A]

People usually get it after the first letter. You guys are meningitis.

[C]

Michael.

[A]

Boom, boom, boom.

[C]

Wow. It's too easy. We figured that would be some sort of interesting story with Michael.

[A]

Is.

[C]

We'll be right back.

[A]

I was named after Michael Irvin. My mom had a one night stand with Michael Irvin in 1990. Wait, 82.

[C]

I'm.

[A]

I was born 82, so. 80. She met him in what, seven.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

All right. This story sucks. Wait, so, Woody, I take a hit of the weed and I'm just gone. And I go, woody, what's in this weed? And he goes, everything, man. And I Go, I'm going to go home. And I left. Who you guys voting for? No, I. But my other. My other highlight of 2025 is get everyone's take on this. And callers. If you have your own story that is, that correlates to the story I'm about to tell. Basically, the theme is airport mishaps, airplane fights, discrepancies, haggles, whatever. You. You know, we've all had the. You know, somebody cuts in line and tries to exit the plane before you because they say they have a connection, which. Then you see him at the Starbucks and you're like, oh, well, you. You had to get to, you know, Frappuccino island or whatever. And. And they're like, yeah. And then they lie, and then you feel like fighting an old woman in. In the terminal sea. I have been in, sadly, too many airplane, like, little mishaps where I'm, like, tapping on the back of the screen too hard, and the guy turns around and goes, can you just do it a little lighter? And then I lean in through the seat, and my wife goes, please don't. And I go, I got to do this. And I lean and I go, sir, I've never fought a man on an airplane before. We're first class. I go, so I feel like anything goes. And I go, but I will. I'm down to fight you. We can go to the bathroom. We can be in close proximity. We can fight. There's not a lot of room in there. Push comes a shove, shove comes a push. Maybe we start kissing. He goes, stop talking to me. Stop talking to me. Yeah, so that really happened. I felt better about myself because I killed with kindness. I try to make it funny, but there was a flight recently, and it was a Southwest flight. I was a one, my wife was a two. This guy was a three. We're boarding the flight. No one else is on. Like the. Whoever was a four or five, whatever, got jammed up with their ticket. They're taking a little bit too much time. Maybe they're stopping to talk to the pilot. Are we expecting a good flight today? You know, whatever you're saying, don't talk to the pilot. I tried to talk to the pilot once when I was high as balls. I was way too high. Pilot looked at me and goes, welcome aboard. Have a good flight. I go, you too. I go, have a better flight. You know, hey, you're the guy doing it, you know, and he was like, what? I go, I hope we have a tons of Diet Sprite. He goes, excuse me. I go, and I went. Sat down. So don't talk to the pilot. Let him get everything configurated and situated. But. So there's three of us on the plane. The guys, it's me. I sit down, I put my stuff. I have my bag underneath. I usually never put it up just in case I want to grab something that's. That's in my bag. And my wife is putting hers up above in the overhead compartment. And the guy who. It's us three, he's. She's gonna probably 12 seconds and her bag goes in. He nudges her out of the way and slides by her. So does not only is impatient, but it's just like, keep it moving, come on. He said, come on, keep it moving. Something and nudged her so that I see my wife. And I'm painting the picture. I'm seated in the, in the window and I see her putting her bag up and kind of just do the whole like she gets. She gets pushed into the thing and kind of, you know, the, the armrest shoves. Shoves into her cervix, you know. And then I think, I don't know where the. Where's the service?

[C]

Close to the armrest, Nate.

[A]

Where's the cervix? Thanks, Nate. And so she. So she gets pushed over the armrest. And by the way, if you're. If you. That's the perfect response.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Let me ask Guy Fieri real quick.

[D]

Around the belly button.

[A]

A duty bloom book by the lint. And so I. So I go, I go, whoa, dude. And he goes. And he just kind of walks off and sits in the corner. And I go, and I go, I go, hey, you want to stop, you know, shoving people on the plane, man? And he goes, taking. Taking all the time in the world. I go, dude. I go. And then I. And then he said something else. I get out of my way. And I said, stop talking to my wife, man. He goes, or what? I go, or I'm gonna beat you up on an airplane. And just by the way, beat you up is the most non threatening. That's tough guy stuff. Yeah. I go, I'm gonna beat you up, man. I'm gonna give you a knuckle sandwich. I'm gonna give you the old Epstein Woody. And so, So I go, I go, all right, I. I have to fight for my wife's honor. The guy sits down. My buddy Stephen Shout out, who runs tech for all the Dr. Phil's. We were, I think, going to Vegas for a Dr. Phil show. And he's. He sees this Happen. He was like, a 8, I guess. So he's on the plane and sees me. He goes, what happened? I go, I gotta shove the manda. Start talking smack. He walks. Nate goes, stephen goes, I got this. Sits behind the guy and just looks at me and just goes like, what do you want me to do? You want me to push on the seat? Help me strangle him. You want me to do, you know, whatever. I go, oh, man, I don't know. So I'm sitting there, blood bubbling, thinking of what to do. We get off the plane. I start. He gets off. I start videotaping him. I'm like, I'm just gonna videotape him and start maybe talking some smack and see how he reacts. Whatever. Like, outside the plane, which I've never done, and I'm videotaping this guy, and he just goes. And he's just like, oh, we. Oh, yeah, yeah. Will you tape me? Gonna take me. I go, this guy shoved my wife. He abuses women. He's. He's probably got some domestic abuse, whatever. Now I'm just going hard in the plane. The paint. And I'm taping him, and he starts to grab my phone. I kind of pull it away. Then he takes out his phone, goes, two can play this game. And I'm like, all right, well, now I don't want to be on any sort of website. So I'm like. I put my phone away, and then he walks away. And I yelled at this man, and I said, your wife's probably cheating on you. And then he said something else to the extent of like, you're. What did he say? He said, you're a. You're an awful person. He said a lot of curse words. And then I think I said at the top of my lungs, you're gonna die alone. I said something. Something that I'm not proud of. And then he walked away. And I felt real, real sick to myself, but also like, oh, I got the last word in. So my question is for you guys. What's your favorite color? Nikki?

[B]

Magenta.

[A]

Great. We're gonna take a quick commercial break, and we'll be right back with more. No. So have you had any sort of airplane, airport disasters, mishaps, anything? This goes to the. The callers, the listeners, too, but I want to open this up to the peanut gallery.

[D]

No, but I've gotten fired from beating people up in the nightclub multiple times.

[A]

Great. The floor is yours.

[D]

But never at the airport. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

You had to fly together.

[D]

I don't mess around at the airport.

[A]

You don't.

[C]

I don't.

[D]

Like, That's. I don't. That's. I ain't used to being over there.

[A]

So when I'm there, I'm on your best behavior.

[D]

I just eat some gummies and go where I'm supposed to go.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

You know what I'm saying?

[A]

That's probably. Yeah, I do know what you're saying, and that probably is the way. Go ahead, Nikki.

[B]

No, I was gonna say I feel like I get into it all the time over the armrest. And I like morning pages where I'll journal. And the guy had his arm on the armrest. Like, how do you know I didn't want it? So I wrote a whole, like, thing, like, just journaling about this piece of crap. Took the armrest, and I fell asleep, and he read the page, and then when I woke up, he was like, yes, sorry about the armrests. And I was like, you read what I wrote.

[C]

I hate that I now associate the word armrest with Amanda's cervix.

[A]

Amanda Cervix. Great band name.

[C]

That is a great band name.

[B]

My cervix were also bruised on this flight, and that's what I was journaling about.

[A]

Do guys have cervixes?

[B]

No.

[A]

Another Judy Bloom book.

[C]

But I am gonna. Next time I am having sex, I'm going to say, I think I'm nailing you in the armrest. And she won't know what I'm talking about, but I will.

[A]

But I will. And that's all.

[C]

This lady die on me on a plane. Passed away.

[A]

No. Next to you.

[C]

Dallas to Phoenix. Yeah. An old lady. I've told this story on the air a million times, but the.

[A]

The last time you're going to tell it in 2025.

[C]

That's it. This is it. And then I'm retiring it. You'll never hear it in 2026. Unless I'm, you know, out of material. I'll start over with this. But, yeah, this old lady. I was in that window. She's in the middle, and her husband was in the aisle. And she fell asleep on my shoulder. And I'm. I'm. I don't want that. So I'm kind of doing shoulder shrugs to get her head to move. And I noticed that it is, like, dead weight. And I look over at her, and her makeup was, like, breaking up, like plate tectonics. It was, like, sliding on her face. She was sweating so hard, her makeup had hardened. And her husband looked over and just started smacking her in the face, going.

[A]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

[C]

And I'm like, what is. And I'm minding my own business. The best I can is like, what is going on? He said, oh, go. Please wake up. Please wake up. And he's like, help, help, help, help, help. And they get me out of the seat, and they lay her down in the aisle, and we were halfway between Albuquerque and Phoenix. So they're like, we can turn around. We just finished the flight. Flight. They finished the flight. What? She was right there. And so I was at the. I was one row behind. They moved me one row behind, and the guy next to me fell asleep. And I'm like, it's me in the eye. I'm the angel of death. No, he fell asleep. Like.

[A]

No, the chair.

[C]

But yeah, she was in the aisle. They were trying to crumbs.

[B]

They just left her there.

[C]

They just rolled the cart right over. We had to get those drinks cleaned up. But no, she. They put her down, and they. They started to, like, try to revive her, and it didn't work. And then they just moved her back into the seats.

[A]

And how many people were on the flight now?

[C]

Pretty full. And I don't know that anybody knew. She. I didn't know she was dead until we got back. And they. Nobody was allowed off the flight. They gurneyed her out, and then off they went. And I had a friend who worked at the airline. I'm like, what happened on Flight 135, whatever it was? And they said, oh, yeah, that we had a death. So we have them all the time. I'm like, no, kids have them all the time. People die on planes all the time. So. Happy New Year, everybody.

[A]

Adam's got two shows. Take your vitamins.

[C]

Yeah, that's a. That's a good message.

[B]

We'll be talking with her via Ouija board at all six shows.

[A]

Ouija board. Almost got a Ouija board for the white elephant gift exchange we had last night, too.

[C]

Good.

[A]

I did get a. Nate got a lotto tickets and some scratch offs, but those were stolen.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

We had brought a murder mystery game and a. What else do we bring? We. We brought a face masks. Face masks? Yeah, like a 15 pack. It was a 50 limit.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And then did you ever go to.

[C]

A white elephant and realize that, oh, this isn't a fun one?

[A]

Yes. Well, I went to a black elephant, but that was a strip club slash kfc.

[C]

Yeah, No, I went to one, and I went to the sex shop and got a. It's a miniature armless and Legless vagina and breasts. And it was like. It was like, you know, it was like what Ted Bundy used to go back in the woods and have sex with after. And it had no head and no arms and no legs.

[A]

Who wants that?

[C]

And you're not.

[B]

It's like the limited edition.

[C]

That's a New Orleans prom queen, what that is. But yeah, so I brought it. And then everybody's like, barbecue set towels for the kitchen. And I'm like, oh, this isn't gonna go well.

[A]

Which this gift is not.

[C]

And boy butter was the other thing I added boy butter for lubrication.

[A]

Gotcha.

[C]

Explain boy butter.

[B]

I've never heard of it before. I can't believe it's not butter. Is that a Paula Deen recipe?

[A]

Wait, okay, so wait, what do we. My nephew got a. What did he grab? He got the. He got a bass pro shop. He's seven years old. He got a bass pro shop. He got the snake, and then he got.

[C]

He got a real snake.

[A]

No, it was like a fake rattlesnake.

[C]

Yeah, it was a plumbing. That's smart.

[D]

I think it was a remote control.

[A]

Remote control snake. And then. That you could scare people with. He's like, I'm scare everybody. And then he got. Oh, he got a magic set. And it was like a kid's magic set where it was like, the tricks were basically like. One was a scarf inside of an egg, and he would just go put out and go, magic. Very adorable. 7. You don't. When he. When he does that trick, I go, he's not stupid. He's just adorable. Right? Because when you're doing stuff like that and you think it is magic, you go, I did ask him. I go, santa's pretty cool, huh? Just getting engaged on, like, you still believe. Which I. He does. He's seven.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And he goes. He goes, yeah. And then I go, oh, you're kind of indifferent. He's like, what does that mean? I go, he's agnostic. Yeah. And then I go. I go, what is the coolest part about Santa? And he goes, I haven't really thought about that. And then I go, oh, what. What are you most excited about? Have you seen him before? He goes, yeah, I saw him at the Polar Express. And I go, where do you get your shrooms from? And then. No. And then he goes.

[C]

And Woody Harrelson showed up at the White Elephant.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then I said. He goes. And then. You know how kids just have ADD and like, they just, you know, talking Santa one moment and Then he goes, he goes, you want to see a cool trick? He goes, I taught myself how to run with my eyes closed. And I go, dude, I taught myself how to drive on 80 milligrams of edibles from the airport to my house with my eyes closed. And by that point he had already gone inside. But what is, is there something that you, you're looking forward to in the new year, Johnny?

[C]

Me?

[A]

Point 26.

[C]

I haven't looked that far ahead because it's tomorrow, so I've got no plans. But it is a day I don't do that.

[A]

It's a continuation, I think of the, the vegging that everyone's been doing, right? Where it's like, I saw the, you know, Jared Freed, the comedian, he's probably coming a bunch. He did this funny tick tock where he's talking about there's this time in between, basically, I think December, it's like Christmas up until now. And he's like the 26th through the 30th, really, where everyone's just a true piece of crap, right? Where you're like, there's no time. You're drinking at 8am you're like edibles, you're eating everything, you're watching every show, every murder doc. But I feel like New Year's Eve, once that ends like New Year's Day still you get that? But then, and then I still, I think the second, like, I guess until really what, Monday the 5th should still be like chill time, right? But there are going to be people that are going to, you know, once the second hits are going to be like, I gotta, I gotta go to Life Fitness.

[C]

Statistically true that like it's January 17th is the saddest day of the year.

[A]

Every year, January 17th.

[C]

Because you know why? Because all your Christmas credit card bills are. They show up. It's like legitimately a depressing, very dark time for a lot of people. Wow. Happy New Year, everybody. I bring it back again.

[A]

Well, I. My Hanukkah card is. I did get. What did I get for Hanukkah? I got.

[C]

Who gets you Hanukkah stuff? Does the wife and family signed copy.

[D]

Of the Epstein list.

[A]

Yeah. We have any more Epstein calls?

[C]

If you could get all of the people who are in it to autograph the actual document.

[B]

It's like Ryan Seacrest. It's never coming out. No one will ever see it.

[A]

Do we have any more calls?

[C]

Not right now, no. If you want more, you can ask.

[A]

Yeah, guys, 585-9800, right?

[C]

That's right. Well done.

[A]

You can't smoke weed and have a short term memory. I don't remember what I had for breakfast two days ago, but I remember the number. Yeah, it is good. Do you remember numbers from, like, your friends? Like from childhood? Remember you had to memorize numbers?

[C]

You still call them every once in a while. I called my friend Mike Burkhart's old house and two weeks ago, some lady answered.

[A]

Yeah, is Mike there?

[C]

Is Mike Burkhart there? He owes me money. I'm not familiar with who you're speaking of. I need Mike Burkhart now. Where is it? Where is he?

[A]

Hey, give me a call.

[C]

I didn't call Joe Biden right now.

[A]

Wait. And you're. Hey, be a be. Bob Biden.

[C]

My brother Bob. It's been a while since I talked about By.

[A]

Hey, look at this. Joe and Bob, so good to see you. Hey, Bob, what are you gonna do.

[C]

For Christmas this year?

[A]

Next year? They already have it. What are you gonna do for Valentine's Day?

[C]

I'm probably not gonna make it that far.

[A]

Well, you gotta believe in yourself. I was trying to believe myself, but.

[C]

I think Valentine's Day is too far away.

[D]

Who?

[C]

It's McDowell.

[A]

Big Dale.

[C]

Big Dale. Valentine's Day.

[A]

Big deal.

[C]

Direction.

[A]

I've been hard since the 60s. I use my fist on Jill. Not my fist. My. My foot. My sun kissed Fanta.

[C]

I'm gonna start my campaign if he.

[A]

Is just saving up energy and he's recharging. Moxie and he's recharging and he's in the Joe Rogan hyperbolic chamber getting all the rest. And he comes out looking like, I don't know, Dale Earnhardt or. Or Tom Bergeron. And he just comes out thick and tan and toned.

[C]

You vote for him again.

[A]

You look 108 years. Look out. Gavin. Yeah. Gavin versus Biden.

[C]

I'm gonna check him down.

[A]

Can you do it? Can you do a Newsom?

[C]

I haven't really practiced news. And he's not gonna be hard, though, if he gets going. But his fingers and his hands are the thing.

[A]

He's got big.

[C]

Well, he does that, but it's. It's not. He doesn't do human hand gestures when he's talking. Like, one will just drift off. Like he's got.

[A]

That is a part of the political puzzle where it's like you gotta. You gotta gesture at the right time.

[C]

Yeah. Gavin Newsom's hands, like, join together and bounce off each other like he's doing some sort of Cirque du Soleil thing. We don't see from his neck.

[A]

He's doing like the pre ribbon cutting. Like guys, is everyone excited for the Baskin Robbins?

[C]

I think one of his arms is asleep and he's just trying to like get it going. It doesn't. It's not normal. Yeah, he's not normal.

[A]

Normal.

[C]

We gotta take another break. Adam Ray's here. He's taking over the whole show. StandUpLive.com is where you go for tickets tonight.

[A]

I want to give away more tickets. We have two shows tonight, 7 and 10. We have two on Friday and two on Saturday. We have picked our Epstein winner so that is done. But we have another competition and this is best New year's resolution. Call in 585-9800. Nasty Nate, Nikki Paris, Adam Ray, John Holmberg. This is, this is the time to reflect but also look ahead. Best resolution. Not funniest but that would help. Best resolution wins four tickets and a tab. Two shows tonight, two Friday, two Saturday. Stand up live. Take your pick. We'll be right back. There's something something.

[C]

Check out Homework's morning sickness [e-mail]'s Morning Sickness. This is not the best of Homework's morning sickness. We are live here. Adam Ray takeover of my show on New Year's Eve and we're fine with that. Adam Ray has brought Nikki Paris and Nate Welch with him to be [e-mail] tonight. That's where you get tickets for tonight's New Year's Eve shows. You got good ones. This is a comedy riddled weekend by the way.

[A]

It is. There's a lot of. There's Lovett's, there's Caliento.

[C]

Calendo's just texting. He's on his way to the airport and said I can't make it in. I'm not gonna. Everything's delayed. So he was saying hi to you.

[A]

Frank and I ran into each other with our mutual pal Eric Bowser who is the new voice of Bugs Bunny. Daffy Duck. Not Jeffrey Epstein, but. But most of the Looney Tunes. The Looney Tunes that you know. I mean you could do you remember.

[C]

That one Looney Tune character? The. The real man that had the five o' clock shadow that it.

[A]

It's very epic. Mark the time when Holmberg went off his meds. Do you remember that guy Looney Tune who wasn't available?

[C]

Remember the one with the kids in the island?

[A]

He always had sex on him.

[D]

Hoghorn Leghorn.

[A]

Well, that's a. Nate's got a Little foghorn in him.

[C]

He's got a little of that.

[A]

Can you do?

[D]

I'll say, I'll say, I'll say, I'll say. What?

[A]

Yeah, okay, thanks.

[B]

Perfect.

[C]

Perfect.

[A]

You got the. We'll call you back. Wait, no. Who was the. The guy? Looney Tunes.

[C]

I can't remember every time they did the thing.

[A]

Shut up.

[C]

Remember that guy that used to do.

[A]

I remember that, but he had a cigarette. Oh, Yosemite Sam.

[C]

No, no, no, no. He wasn't like a regular character. He's like a background guy. But he would shut up or show up every once. And he goes, what are you talking about? Oh, and the guy was talking to his mugsy. Shut up, Muggsy. And he hit him and he had. He had Epstein's face. Now I gotta look it up. I'll look it up while you guys do whatever it is you're doing.

[A]

There is. There is something about that show that I think Chappelle told me once that Bugs Bunny was like his big. That's when we did the Phil show. And I go, I go, dave, I read that Bugs Bunny is a huge influence for you. And he goes, phil, I've been on stage 15 minutes. You haven't asked me about Diddy yet. And then he went to a 20 minute diddy rant, which was he, man, he did this. I don't know if he did it. On his newest special about how did he. What he did. It opened for him at a few arenas, and he was doing this bit about how Cassie having to recount, like, what happened sexually, like in court, right? And he's like, man, you got to give her props. She's like. He's like, that's not easy. I don't care, like, who you are. It's like, imagine being like. I mean, I'm butchering it. But it was like a married. Like, he's. Imagine any born in here, like, having described their sex life like, you know, their married sex life in court being like, you know. So what happened? Well, I came in, I was, you know, drunk, and I looked in her dead eyes and pulled my pants down and just kind of powered through, your honor. Anyway, I've never seen Chappelle does it better.

[C]

I go, I still watch this Johnny Depp you brought up earlier on his deposition about Amber Heard and his text between him and Paul Bettany.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[C]

And the one where they put it up on this in court, It's a nightmare. They put it up on the screen and it said, after we kill her, we're Just going to burn her up and then I'm going to rape her. And the. And the lawyer's like, is this something you found funny? And Johnny Depp's sitting back, and then he leans into the mic and you hear at the time, yes, I did. Like, did you say that?

[A]

Yes, I did.

[C]

And it was so loud and over modulated. And then you just see Paul Bettany is next and he's out. And you're gonna have to ask him to. Did you guys find this funny that you're gonna rape, burn or kill rape and. Or kill, burn and rape? Amber heard, yes, I did say that. But at the time, in context, like, oh, no, find it on YouTube. It's so fun to watch that trial.

[A]

That trial. I mean, I think he must have known that she was so crazy that he's like, I have to let this be publicized because, yeah, they'll show me outside with my fans going crazy. He was so calm, cool, and collected when they were like, is it true that you drank a mega pint of wine and then threw the empty bottle at her head? And he's like, mega point. Well, first of all, it was empty. I threw an empty bottle at her head. And you're like, oh, so you did. He's like, it was a joke. And like, oh, okay. You have a weird sense of humor, Johnny. But just the fact that he was so, like, not phased by anything. And then she. She treated that trial like an acting class and failed miserably. She had a real opportunity. If she. She really could have.

[C]

She could have popped. That could have been her.

[A]

But it's like, wow, you pooped on the bed. She did. She did poop on the bed. Yeah.

[B]

Redefine Charlie and the Chocolate Factory for me personally.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[C]

You know, when you do Johnny Depp, you also can do any better. It's the exact same voice.

[A]

It's Eddie Vedder. Yeah, that's right.

[C]

The rain.

[A]

For this one time, me and the band, we were in Wisconsin, and we were. We were doing a gig. And after the show, we went to an ihop where we found an Ecstasy and a banana pan. And we stood, we ate the pancakes. Because I was like, I like drugs. I like pancakes. We started tripping our balls off. We wandered into a nearby forest. We met a magical elf who'd been separated from his family. We helped the elf rebuild his home out of pycones, and he helped us make shoes out of the wind. And then we heard a van drive by with the family screaming, Mr. Vedder. Mr. Vedder. You found our baby. Turns out that elf we were kicking it with was actually a baby. We were high as balls. Anyway, his name was Jeremy. 2, 3, 4. That's from VH1 Storytellers.

[C]

That's a real one.

[A]

Yeah. We got a visitor.

[C]

I dove in. Oh, hi. How are you? He's next. He's coming up next. He didn't know. He didn't know we were going to be here. Brandon is here today. Yeah, he had no idea. So Brandon will be in for Larry, but nobody's working today.

[A]

He's next. He thought Bonnie Blue was going to be here. You know who Bonnie Blue is?

[C]

Why do I know Bonnie Blue's name?

[A]

Everybody knows Bonnie Blue's name.

[C]

Bonnie Blue.

[A]

Bonnie Blue is the British gal, right.

[D]

Who thought she was Australian.

[A]

Nate, can I finish my story? She is. She Australian? Okay. She's Australian and she slept with 1100.

[C]

Oh, that's why I know her name.

[A]

There it is.

[C]

I was a 961 she. So, yeah, I was. I totally forgot her name.

[A]

She. 1100 men, I think, in a year. Yeah. And I actually. I was playing for the guys earlier because I went on Howie Mendel's podcast and interviewed her as Dr. Phil. And I go, so what's a foot job? I want to play the clip right now, but I can't remember if it's. If I curse at all. I don't think I did, but. But I go. And she. And she starts to show me with her hands on my. And then I go. She starts to touch my hand and go, like. So I'm out to. My foot is over your hands like this. I'm like. I'm imagining. I'm also feeling it right now, going from six to midnight, real quick. Bb. And then she goes. She go. I go, wow. I'm touching the hands that 500 men have been inside you with. And then she goes. And then what did she say? She goes in the clip I was showing you. What it.

[C]

Is it all swearing? No, clean.

[A]

I think it's clean. I could. 10 minutes out.

[C]

10 minutes.

[A]

Do you want.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Thank you for the laughter. Take a break. We'll get back to it.

[C]

Another one you got to be careful with.

[A]

Yeah, you got to be careful. Yeah.

[C]

We should have prepped something.

[A]

But she. I asked her. I go, did you? I go, who came? Oh, this is the thing. I go, who came in? What kind of guys? You make small talk with him. She goes, oh, yeah. I try to get to know him and, you know, grease the wheels a little bit and. And you know, guys were coming in from all over. There was like, bingo. Bingo. She goes, they'd come into friendship groups. I go, I've been in chat rooms, but what's a friendship group? She goes, you know, like, bingo squads. I go, she had a whole bunch of bingo teammates. Just 69 on your face. And. And she was like, say, yeah, just, you know, they all come in and. And I go, did you drink anything after? Were you tired? You want to get hydrated? She goes, you'd have a Diet Pepsi. I go, your move, Pepsi. This feels like a sponsorship opportunity if I've ever heard one. And then she, I think, got in trouble a few months ago for. Oh, that's right. She was in Liberia, Siberia, Afghanistan.

[D]

One of the areas.

[A]

One of the areas.

[B]

Somewhere Sandy.

[A]

Somewhere Sandy. And she. She got in trouble because she was on a bang bus and she was in a country where it is, like, illegal to even, I think, do anything sexual.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm not sure what country this is worth a Google.

[D]

She's on the bang bus.

[C]

And hell, yeah.

[A]

No, it was a place where you can't. And it was. And they got caught. And then she. I think she's locked up right now. We're gonna have to trade Brittney Griner to get her back.

[B]

Did you.

[A]

A long way for a Britney Griner joke. It worked.

[B]

Did you hear the theory? I saw this on Instagram this morning. There's a theory that Bonnie is an alien from another planet and she's here to collect the DNA.

[A]

I don't believe it.

[D]

I believe that. Bonnie Blues alien.

[A]

Well, now, let me ask you this. Wait a minute.

[C]

You read that this morning?

[B]

I know. I was like, how am I getting fed this?

[D]

Indiana. Something's off of my Indiana Jones and the Human Semen.

[B]

Predator versus Predator.

[A]

New film, collecting DNA. I.

[D]

She.

[A]

She might be.

[C]

When is the last time you said, you know who Bonnie Blue is? And then somebody went, I was just reading about her this morning. It's never happened in the history of.

[B]

Bonnie as somebody who's not, you know, that doesn't want to, you know, go ahead. I've never seen her work.

[C]

Treat it like Stranger Things. Like Stranger Things just come out.

[B]

I've never seen her work.

[A]

Oh, that's another joke. Me of another alien joke. My nephew told me yesterday. Seven years old, he goes. Because I gave him a joke of a book Of. Of jokes. And, you know, because I used to, when I was growing up, I did the Yo Mama Snap. We had Snap books. So it was like, you know, I'd Be like, on the playground. It was where I think probably found my comedy chops. I'd be like, your mama's so fat. You know, her blood type's ragu. And everybody be like, oh, she's got to be fat. What a fat bit. You know, she's got spaghetti, sausage blood. And then, you know, some. And then, and then he'd be like, your mom is so fat. When, you know, when she said to, you know, she went to the super bowl, she brought a spoon to the super bowl. And everybody was like, that is hungry. Right? And then, and then I'd go, I'd have to take it up a notch. So I'd go, your mom was so fat. You know, your dad left, you know, and then, and now he's banging my in shape aunt, you know, and everyone's like, that was super specific, you know, and then. So my nephew goes, why did the alien crash the party? Because he didn't plan it. So then, you know, we laugh. And then he goes, why was six afraid of seven? Because seven, eight, nine. And then he goes, what did the mom say to Michael Jackson at the beach? Please get out of my son. So I don't know if this guy's going to be. I don't know if this guy is going to be a comedian, but he definitely has the tools.

[C]

Yeah, I don't know.

[A]

That's good. What do we think about aliens?

[C]

You know what's weird? Over my break here for the last couple of weeks, I no longer believe we've been to the moon.

[D]

Yep.

[C]

I now believe we lied about that. Like, I am.

[A]

You know why? I just. Why?

[C]

The new crew that's going to the moon is doing a bunch of press conferences and the captain, Katy Perry. Yes, she is.

[D]

She won't stop talking.

[C]

No. The guy who is as the Kirk of the. The next. The next moon shot, which is like two years from now.

[A]

Yes.

[C]

Keeps saying out loud, we're gonna finally put humans on the moon. It's the first time we're putting people on the moon. And he's telling the other members of the crew. And I'm watching like, is anyone hearing this? And they're talking about stuff and I'm like, oh, my God. They're just out and out telling us it didn't happen. NASA, the crew members, I'm like, I. I used to think we, this is my 20, 26. I'm going to go crazy. That's. I'm going to. Can't wait. But yeah, because I'm sitting there watching. I'm like, you got to be kidding me. Like, there's nobody in the audience going, we've. We've been not up. Not a soul in that NASA group is allowed to question what he's. And it's constant. He won't stop saying, we're finally going to the moon. People are finally going to be on the moon. And I'm like. And then I watched the thing about the International Space Station where a dude hits a baseball with a stick and then floats to catch it, but the bat drops to the ground.

[A]

Oh, no.

[C]

Yeah. And I'm like, oh, he's been. I'm. I'm on this. This. I've had a full week and a half of nothing but nonsense and conspiracy crazy.

[A]

We're going to the moon anymore. I was skeptical for a bit, but I. But based on nothing. And then I don't want to say the Bezos Bang bus that he sent up there with Gail King, Katy Perry, the Dick rocket. But remember, like, it comes down and then he, like, fumbles with the door. Like, that, to me, was just like. I didn't believe any of it. Also, I guess they didn't go to space or the moon. They went into the atmosphere. Right. They just floated around.

[C]

And that's the thing I'm weirded out about. We don't celebrate anything. Phoenix has driverless cars. We have. You know, remember when you're kids and, like, having a. Somebody on a phone talking to you?

[A]

Yes.

[C]

And it's a screen. That was the big. Everything's just happened, and nobody marvels at anything, but we lose our mind. And when we dip into space for three seconds and then fall back down, I'm like, we've been to the moon, Right. This shouldn't impress us anymore. No, but it does.

[A]

It does.

[C]

Like, it's brand new.

[A]

You think we'll ever get to the point to where you can take, like, trips to, like, funded trips? Like, I guess what they were trying to do with Bezos and the. The Moon Squad. But, like, can you make.

[C]

People like us are gonna go, no, no.

[A]

Tom Cruise will go.

[C]

Tom Cruise will be there. Oh, yeah. They'll bring some elites.

[B]

Scientology, Church of the Moon.

[A]

What would you. If you could say one thing on the moon, what would you say? Like, the Neil Armstrong, help.

[C]

I want to go home.

[D]

Give me a cigarette.

[C]

If things are so bad here that the moon's an option, I want out.

[A]

You're right.

[C]

I'm not, like, I'll start over on the moon. I'm not doing that great on Earth.

[A]

The people you Put me on the.

[C]

Moon and go, hey, go nuts. I'm like, I've got no skills.

[A]

That's why I also. When people are like, bungee jumping or skydiving, I'm like, dude, life is tough. Like. Like, what do you want to. But, like, yeah, like, go. Yeah. I don't know.

[C]

I think everybody lies about how exciting that is, too. You hit the ground, and you're just happy that you did. And then you tell everybody else how exhilarating it was. It has to be anticlimactic.

[A]

Well, there's that guy whose shoot didn't open, and then he had his backup shoot, and that barely opened.

[C]

She's a dude that ran into the back of the plane. Yes.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

And he had to cut all 11.

[A]

Ropes, by the way. Would not have. If I. If anything went wrong, I'd be like, well, then this is how I'm supposed to go. Yeah. I was once in my pool in my apartment complex, and my Polish landlord comes out and goes, you can't have. We had bought these pool. I don't know what accent that was, but she goes, you can't have.

[C]

Very timely. You cannot be.

[A]

Don't do this. That's not too far off. And she. I bought these Target. Target pool chairs for me and my buddies who came down from Seattle to visit, and we're floating around drinking beer. She goes, you can't have the Target pool chairs in the pool because what if you drown? There's no lifeguard on duty. Because there's always a sign up in the. The, you know, community pool that says, no lifeguard on duty. No diving and no diarrhea. Which, by the way, that's assumed. Yeah. For 14 days. No diarrhea. And so she goes. She goes, if you fall off the chair and drown, no one's here. I go, roxanna, if I fall off a Target pool chair and drown, that's how it was supposed to go. That's like. That's my journey. That's on me.

[D]

In a sewer. From the grave. Get the hell out of here.

[A]

Speaking of the grave, whatever happened to take it to the grave? I was talking about this the other day with myself. There's. There's not. There's certain things people say and do where I'm like, you didn't have to bring that up. You didn't have to say that. Take it to the grave. You know, like, I got a massage from Soothe. Right. And I fall asleep sometimes. Soothe is like an app. Oh, like Uber. For massages.

[C]

It's not a. You Thought it was a Vietnamese.

[D]

I thought it was somebody named Sue.

[A]

Her name was Sudoku.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Not to be confused with Sudoku. And so. So, and so. And they give you an unhappy ending where. Which is where the guy massage you, and then you.

[C]

You rub him off and he reminds you that you're dad left.

[A]

Exactly. Yeah. And so she farted in my face during the massage. Is a true story.

[D]

How much did you pay for that?

[A]

No, nothing. It was free. And she tells me when I wake up, she goes, sorry about the fart. And I go, wow. So immediately I just go. I go. I go, oh. She's like, my condolences to me. She's saying, like, sorry that you couldn't control your butthole while you were relaxed. So I just immediately take ownership. And I go, my bad. You know, and then she goes, no, no, I'm sorry about my fart. And I go, oh, plot twist.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

And then I go, oh, it's all good.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, just felt like, you know, and then I wanted. Like, I ran through the things of, like, what I wanted to say. Like, was my mouth open? Or, like, did you. Do you feel better? Like, I don't know what I should say. It's almost like when Brad Williams took me to see a porn film. Lived in Chatsworth. Like, we watched these girls squirting, and I literally started. I started applauding because I didn't know what to do. I was like, congrats. I didn't. I didn't know because we were standing there in a small room, no bigger than this, women laying on a floaty. And they had the. The webcams going, and they just started. Fountain of Youth.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Crossing streams.

[C]

The Bellagio.

[A]

That's why I turn to Brad. I go, start clapping. Start clapping. And Brad, you know, puts his little hands together and he's like, you know.

[C]

And it's like the end of Ocean's Eleven.

[A]

It's exactly.

[C]

Just standing there at the Bellagio, watching.

[A]

That's. I don't have enough space in my heart for that. So she farts, and then she tells me, and I go, it's like. It's like robbing the store and then turning yourself in an hour later. You got to wave the crime. Why are you telling me that you did this?

[D]

Guilt.

[A]

It's not. It's also like, I'm not going to. I guess guilt, but it's like, you're not bettering your business. I'm not going to refer you now and go, dude, Tina's got.

[D]

She's super Honest.

[A]

The perfect pressure. She's super honest. Perfect pressure.

[C]

You can trust her.

[A]

Perfect pressure. And if you get to the. If you get to peak relaxation, she'll drop a little secret in your mouth for free. So. So she walks out and goes, take myself. You just want, you know, if you don't go through the app. And I go, I think I'm good. She goes. She goes, oh, were you not happy with the massage ago? I mean, you woke me up to tell me you farted in my mouth. And she was like, all right, and then I apologize.

[C]

So I think it's on you at a certain point here.

[B]

Is that why you're naming your first child Fart?

[C]

Sorry. You relaxed. I am. My vaginal mesh is just horrible right now. Caving in. My bad.

[A]

If you.

[C]

You got a lot of knots.

[A]

You got a lot of knots. You reminded me of that Adam Sandler. Was it the therapist on what the Hell Happened to Me? Where the. The guy was farting throughout the whole thing, and Sandler kept going, oh, geez. And the guy kept going, that's not me, that's you. And just was like, super. Yeah. Yeah. But anyway, I thought that was inappropriate. And. Yeah. Wow, that's. That Nate Welch. That's at Nasty Nate Bruh on Instagram.

[C]

Getting a whole audience. Yeah.

[A]

Wow, look at that.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

You've got Holmberg to put his fingers on the buttons.

[D]

Let's go.

[A]

Yeah, I. I don't.

[C]

Yeah. Take it to the grave. Disappeared from life, but you know what I'm saying?

[A]

Like, she should have just, like, said, like, you know, was also, you know, PC Cancel Culture rears its ugly head from time to time. I was in an area Pasadena, and my friend's in the back seat, and he goes, man, there's a lot of Asians around here. And another friend goes, you can't say that. Like, but they're. They're too, like, worried about. Well, you can't say that. And he goes, it's not like I said, there's a lot of Asians around here. What are we going to do about it? And I go, yeah, you just think that in your head. He goes, yeah, wait, no, but. But even that. But even. I don't know. We're just. There's certain. The fart thing, for sure. I'm like, you could have just, like, let that slide. And I probably would have booked her again, not knowing. But now it's like, that's. To me, it seems like a red.

[C]

Flag, especially because it's a first date. If she farts on the first date. That's a.

[A]

Is.

[C]

How about no second date?

[A]

All right, callers, we're not gonna.

[C]

Time for that.

[A]

Two tickets, 19 minutes left. What do you guys want to do in 19 minutes?

[B]

Oh, hospitals are endless.

[D]

Oh, yeah, I'm here. I'm having a good time.

[A]

Nate, do you have any. Are you out there dating? Are you looking. Are you on the apps?

[D]

No.

[A]

No. You like to meet live in the flesh?

[D]

Yeah. Yeah, I don't trust the Internet with that.

[A]

What are you looking for in 2026, Nate?

[B]

Swamp baddie.

[D]

I'm looking to build on what I've been doing, man. I mean, I'm out here with you right now in another state. I love that this is the first time doing the radio. Thank you very much.

[C]

You have not done this before.

[D]

No.

[C]

No kidding.

[A]

It's great, right?

[C]

No, I'd assumed it was his first time.

[D]

Yeah, he's like. He's writing little notes to me asking if this word's allowed.

[C]

The notes were like, you look hot today. Do like real music. I'm like, what, you want to go.

[A]

Get some Mongolia barbecue after this?

[C]

I've got crawdads in the car. I don't care.

[D]

Gee.

[C]

He's like, yeah.

[D]

How much. How much you want? How many pounds of crawl fish you need, bro?

[A]

What's the most New Orleans thing that you can. That you've. That. That you've seen? What is something it, John, specifically New Orleans?

[C]

Let me help. Adams. Adam's having a stroke. I'm here for, like, what is the most quintessential New Orleans that you can. Can you can tell us, like, something that you.

[A]

That you've. That you could. A stereotype.

[C]

That's actually a thing there. It is like, yeah, that's us.

[D]

Nicholas Cage. His house. You heard about that?

[A]

No.

[D]

Okay, so after Katrina, they got. Well, so look, anybody has watched like, American Horror Story and stuff like that they know about or like, they like. Like the voodoo ghost stuff. Yeah, they got like Marie Laveau and the lalaurie Manor.

[C]

Yeah.

[D]

In New Orleans, like a French Quarter.

[A]

Yes.

[D]

Place. It's like really haunted, like, most haunted place. Well, Nicholas Cage bought that house not knowing that it was that house. I think was the story because some. Some dudes after Katrina, like, some like real estate shady dudes told him, like, hey, this is a nice ass house in the.

[C]

Those are good real estate agents.

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Let me show you a nice ass house.

[D]

Yeah, they got a real nice house.

[A]

Right? There's not any ghost in it, are there?

[D]

So Nicholas Cage gets the House. He lives in the house for a little while.

[A]

I love it.

[D]

Yeah. He thinks the house is. He thinks the house is awesome or whatever, but it's awesome house. But he moves into it and realizes haunted. It's like, most haunted house. And that's right after, like, National Treasure or whatever it was. So then, like, his career, like, went down, and he was, like, trying to, like, get the curse off of him because, like, the house cursed him.

[A]

No.

[D]

So he went, like, all these voodoo people to try to, like, pay him to get him to take curse off of him.

[A]

You take Venmo for the voodoo.

[D]

Yeah, exactly. So then, like, if you look it up, right? You can look it up and see that he built his grave in New Orleans already. He built his. He's got a like. So apparently he went like the head voodoo lady.

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

She said, you can get the curse off you. Come on. But you got to be buried.

[C]

What does she have to do with this?

[D]

I didn't know her name.

[A]

Well, millions of Americans, and not even.

[D]

I believe in the voodoo.

[A]

I believe Nicolas Cage had a haunted house, baby. In New Orleans.

[D]

And his grave is there now.

[A]

His grave is there now. Kamala, get out of my house.

[D]

You can have my soul. Just give me my career.

[A]

Well, you shouldn't have done Face off, baby.

[B]

Me?

[D]

Well, you shouldn't have forgot about it. I was saying drop the bump.

[A]

Right before. Right before you dropped it.

[D]

Forgot about it.

[B]

I love the way you say house. I've never.

[C]

It sounds like Baltimore house.

[A]

A little Christopher Walken in it. Yeah. Can you do a Christopher Walken?

[D]

Christopher Walken?

[A]

Yeah.

[D]

No.

[A]

Can you try? Let's all try. Christopher Walker.

[D]

Which one is Christopher Walker?

[C]

Oh, man. So next to Judy Bloom.

[A]

Start us off, Johnny.

[C]

There's a boy who I like very much. Two little mice fell in the well One kept swimming and churning Till it.

[A]

Became butter he's the guy.

[D]

There's a curse.

[C]

Yeah.

[A]

Nikki, can you do a walking. I'll have a McGriddle and add in two kids while you're at it. Christopher Walken might. His performance in Click. You want to talk about. We were talking about Rat Race off air as being an underrated film, but Christopher Walken in. Click. Tremendous.

[C]

Awesome. I gotta take a break. Adam ray is here. Standuplive.com is where you go to get tickets tonight.

[A]

Do we have any callers for the New Year's Resolutions?

[C]

Well, they came and went. We. You can't. You can't make these people wait that long. Damn it. They got things to do. They Got lives.

[A]

You're right. All right, how about this? When we come back from the break, we got 15 minutes. When we come back, we'll have what, 10 minutes left?

[C]

Yeah, nine or 10 minutes.

[A]

Nine or 10 minutes left. You can get a lot done in that amount of time. So call with your New Year's resolutions. We have four more tickets, plus tab for any of the six shows. There are two tonight, seven and ten. Do you want to ring in the new year? Do you want to celebrate the end of 2025 and maybe the world with us tonight? Do you want your last night of 2025 to be at Stand Up Live? Well, call in with your resolution. Two. Two shows tonight, two Friday, two Saturday. Promo code Nasty Nate bro on Instagram. And maybe we'll get a Bonnie Blue nude pic for you. And maybe she'll be there.

[B]

And a foot job.

[A]

And a foot job. All right. Yeah.

[C]

If she's there, we promise that there will be a great ending.

[A]

You'll be number. I promise. I won't let you run the train on Bonnie. At least you can be at least number 55. Don't go anywhere. We'll be right back. Get something, something.

[C]

Check out H's Morning Sickness [e-mail] Holg's Morning Sickness. All right, here we go.

[A]

All right.

[C]

Is 9:53 on the Adam Ray takeover over of the best of Holmberg's Morning Sickness. Break the mundane a little bit. Now it's going to go back to the homework's morning sickness starting tomorrow up until the 5th. We'll be back on Monday. But this has been fun. So Adam ray been awesome. Standuplive.com Tonight you can get tickets if you want to grab those for your New Year's. If you've got no plans, this is the way to do it. Seven o' clock.

[A]

And what else you gonna do? You're gonna stay at home and just, you know, talk smack. There's some, you know, kid in Vietnam on PlayStation.

[C]

Yeah. Try to stay awake and watch Anderson and Andy not kiss.

[A]

No. Yeah, dude, just do it, man. Get it out of the way. Do like when Steve Harvey hosted and Gronk. I just. That popped back up in my feed where Gronk spike the Lego. The Lego of Steve Harvey.

[C]

That was awesome.

[A]

And Steve Harvey genuinely mad. I mean, he was like opposite Family Feud face. He was like, you got.

[D]

Why is he here?

[A]

Yeah, why is he. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, man. Oh, man. What's my favorite Steve Harvey Family Feud outtake is when he goes something that Pork. Pork. It was like, pork what? So like somebody would say like pork rind or pork. And the guy, he was finished the. Whatever the second half of the word pork something. And the guy goes, oopine. Yeah. And Steve Harvey just pauses, steps away and goes. And then ten minutes later goes. He said, oopon. And I'm like, dude, he just killed two commercial breaks with one answer.

[C]

You ever see remember Louie Anderson? Used to host. Oh, yeah, Family Feud. One of my favorite. Mike. Because he never had the Steve Harvey thing where he played along. No, but he was big, you know, giant. He walks so funny. Name something you do first thing in the morning. And the lady goes, shower. Show me showering. Okay. Everybody ignore that. And he just walked across because I just.

[A]

Wow.

[C]

The story about Louie Anderson is legend here. And I love Louie.

[A]

Me too.

[C]

I thought he was one of my heroes, but in Mesa years ago and I. That's how I used to do an impression where you got caught driving around trying to pick a guy up.

[A]

No.

[C]

And the guy got in his car and he said, you know, solicited sex and stuff. And the guy's like, I'm not doing that. And he said, oh. And he cut him a check right there for like 250 grand. And the dirt. The dude turned right to the news with it like this. Louis tried to give me 200. No. I know.

[A]

Why wouldn't you just cash it?

[C]

That's what I said. I'm like, I would have let him do it.

[A]

The news is like, all right, man, this is going to be maybe a three minute story after the weather, but.

[C]

Could you imagine being the guy on the road. Hey, come here for a second. Get in the car. You see that ass back there? Why don't you punch your penis in there? What? I don't want to do that. All right, here's $250,000. Go get a friend. And the guy's like, holy crap. Because you imagine you're minding your own business, and then that's your story. Your life changes completely that day again. Take out somewhere. I've been begging him to call for 25 years.

[A]

That guy.

[C]

Yeah, yeah, the dude who said no to Louie.

[A]

Well, I've got a surprise for you.

[C]

Nate N. Here.

[A]

Hey, everyone. Whatever happened to that I said no right after you got off Hillary's lap.

[D]

That wasn't Hillary Clinton. That was Louie Anderson in a wig.

[A]

Do we have any callers for the New Year's resolution?

[C]

Yeah, I think we got a couple right here.

[A]

We got guys, four tickets and a tab Are on the line. Best New Year's resolution. Who's this?

[C]

This is Christian. Christian?

[D]

Yeah, this is Christian.

[A]

Hey, Christian. Go ahead. We get more dudes to call in.

[D]

Christian, I was an. I was an addict for 20 years, and I'm 10 months over.

[A]

And my new res.

[D]

My New Year's resolution is to keep working on my sobriety and myself and stay sober.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Congrats.

[C]

Sounds like somebody. You don't win the audience.

[A]

Yeah, Yeah, I do. You're gonna be. Yeah. So you're bringing sober laughter to this, to the show.

[C]

Although cheaper.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. You're just gonna be getting diet frescoes. Go ahead, Nate.

[D]

All laughs matter.

[A]

All laughs matter. Yeah.

[C]

All right, Christian. That's pretty good.

[A]

Hold on. Thank you, Christian.

[C]

Let's take. We'll keep him on hold. You can pick a winner of the four. Here's. It says Catherine, but we don't know if that's actually who it is.

[A]

Catherine, hi. Yeah, it's Catherine.

[C]

All right, Catherine, go say hi to Adam Ray. He took over my show. Go ahead.

[D]

Hello, Adam.

[A]

Hello, Catherine. How's your day going?

[C]

Pretty good.

[A]

How are yours? Not bad. So.

[D]

Take it up the ass.

[C]

Okay. She wants to take it.

[D]

Give it a ticket.

[A]

Wait, sorry.

[D]

She wins.

[C]

Yeah. Hang on just a second.

[B]

Have you met Louie Anderson?

[C]

Yeah. You see that ass back there? That's my resolution.

[A]

She stole my resolution, I guess. You can't say that.

[C]

Yes, she did.

[A]

She did.

[C]

Wow. She shouldn't. That was, like, against God.

[D]

That was a backdoor entrance. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Yeah. Okay, Catherine.

[C]

And you meant medically, like, you're gonna get more checkouts. Like you're gonna go to the doctor. More prostate.

[A]

Exactly.

[C]

Or just to be a bigger whore. No other routes to you? Can I ask this? Adam, I'm back. I'm sorry. I'm getting close to when I get back. What kept you from doing that in 2025?

[A]

Great question.

[D]

Oh, actually, it just started in 2025.

[C]

Oh, you're new to it.

[A]

Welcome to the club.

[C]

I'm going to make a prediction. I'm pretty good at this. You got divorced in 2024. You took eight months off from men hating them and came back in 2025 and are now doing everything you wouldn't do without a old guy?

[D]

Actually, no.

[A]

Married for 11 years.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

Whoa.

[A]

Finally gave in.

[C]

A decade of him pushing.

[D]

Congrats to him, bro.

[B]

Literally and metaphorically.

[C]

Yeah. No kid pushing as hard as he can. Wow. And was it as good as you wanted it to be?

[A]

Like, it was either this or Watch football with him.

[C]

You hated it at first. It was. You like it?

[A]

Yeah.

[C]

Wow.

[A]

Oh, where were you at the beginning of the show? We only have a few minutes left.

[C]

Jesus. We're going to go to. We're taking over.

[B]

Brady, will you bring him to the show?

[A]

Not because we are short on time, but because this is the best sentence of this. What a way to go out on 2020. It's a closer, as we call them, the biz. So congrats, Katherine. You have won four tickets and a free tab to your the show of your choice. We have two tonight, two Friday, two Saturday. Bring. Bring your. Bring your.

[C]

Bring your partner.

[A]

Bring your anal partner. Judy Bloomberg.

[D]

Not that ain't true. Friday. Yeah, you know.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. So we'll get your phone number and then we'll stay in touch.

[C]

But hang on.

[B]

Can't wait to meet him.

[A]

And thanks for the honesty. You like my masseuse? Thanks for the honesty.

[C]

For some tips.

[B]

Maybe see you Both in boot 10 at stand up Live. Bring a diaper.

[C]

I gotta tell the drug addict that he's not going to a show. Hold on.

[B]

Don't relapse.

[C]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

You might have to give him. Take his.

[C]

Christian. I'm sorry.

[B]

Two.

[A]

Only two though.

[C]

All right, you get two because you're a buzz kill. And you're going to bring a bunch.

[D]

Of him and the sponsor.

[B]

Enjoy the Shirley Temples.

[A]

Christian, you got two tickets, baby. I got you.

[C]

Your table will remain anonymous though. Hang on just a second. There you go. There's Christian. And Catherine will be at the show tonight. It's 10 o' clock on the dot. We finished on time. That never happened.

[A]

I look down and I go, we got to close this out.

[C]

It's incredible.

[A]

I've learned from the best.

[C]

ADAM RAY Tonight, standuplive.com he brings Nikki Paris and Nate Welch along with him.

[A]

And Sandy Danta who flies in today. You've met Sandy before. Little John Belushi, Janine Gruffalo.

[C]

All four of you going?

[A]

All four of us. It's a stacked show.

[C]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Just like Arizona likes it as white as you can possibly get.

[C]

We don't even need lights in the room. The people's skin just illuminates. Incredible how bright it is here. And thanks for doing this.

[A]

I love you giving me a little.

[C]

New Year's Eve fun today. Now I'm gonna go back to sleep.

[A]

You're a living legend.

[C]

This is all I do.

[D]

Thank you all so much for having us.

[A]

Happy New Year.

[B]

Thank you for having us.

[C]

Adam Ray, standuplive.com. that's where you go tonight. And any last words? Adam?

[A]

You know what? Life gets crazy out there for everyone. So do yourself a fav. Look in the mirror. Take a second to celebrate the highs, enjoy the lows. Only do drugs with fun people. Stop, drop and roll. Lego your Eggo. Wake up with the sun, go to bed with the moon. And if you find yourself confused and alone in the shower, shave your head, your back, your penis and your crack. We'll be right back. There you go. Happy New Year, Adam Ray, everybody.

[C]

Happy New Year.

[A]

It's not weird. It's pretty cool, actually. No membership fees.

[C]

I have heard enough of this.