BEST OF HMS PODCAST - COMBINED SEGMENTS - 01-20-25 - MLK Monday

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona: Best of HMS Podcast - MLK Monday (01-20-25)

Podcast Information:

• Title: Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona
• Host: John Holmberg
• Co-hosts: Brady Bogan, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo
• Episode: Best of HMS Podcast - Combined Segments - MLK Monday
• Release Date: January 20, 2025

---

1. Local Entertainment Highlights [00:00 - 01:06]

The episode kicks off with the hosts promoting upcoming comedy shows in the Valley. John Holmberg and Brady Bogan enthusiastically detail performances at various venues:

• Tempe Improv:
  • Paul Versey: Thursday
  • Beth Stelling: Friday, Saturday, Sunday
  • Website: tempeimprov.com
• Desert Ridge Improv (North):
  • Sarah Weinschenk: Thursday
  • Joe DeRosa: Friday, Saturday
  • Website: desertridgeimprov.com
• Stand Up Live (Downtown):
  • Lil Rel: Friday, Saturday, Sunday
  • Website: standuplive.com

Notable Quote:

"John Holberg here. For the amazing people at the Core Institute, life can throw you a curveball..." [00:28]

---

2. Car Maintenance Tips [01:06 - 02:03]

Dick Toledo and John Holmberg discuss common car AC issues, spotlighting issues like unpleasant basement-like smells from the system. John advises:

• Annual AC Service: Regular checks to ensure functionality.
• Cabin Air Filter Replacement: Enhances air quality and removes bad odors.

Notable Quote:

"Your car's AC system should be checked and serviced every year. Plus, replacing the cabin air filter helps the air blow strong and takes away any nasty smell." [01:52]

---

3. Relationship Anecdotes and Humor [02:03 - 15:10]

This segment delves into humorous yet exaggerated relationship woes, primarily focusing on Megan’s odd behaviors and baffling statements.

Key Discussions:

• Nipple Ache from Ice Cream:
  • John Holmberg criticizes a listener's claim that eating ice cream causes nipple pain, asserting there's no physiological connection.
  • The conversation spirals into absurd theories, including the idea of breasts producing ice cream.

Notable Quotes:

"That's just nonsense. None. Otherwise, your nipples will be fat." [04:11] "I'm just looking at it. I don't get it. I don't get anything you're talking about." [04:11]

• Child-Free Zones:
  • The hosts discuss a movement in England to create adult-only residential areas devoid of children, humorously advocating for such zones in Arizona to maintain peace and cleanliness in public spaces.

Notable Quotes:

"We've been doing it since the beginning of man. We pick a group and we discriminate kids." [23:44] "It's our God-given right evidently as human beings to want to find someone to discriminate against." [23:48]

• Weddings:
  • John Holmberg shares amusing stories from recent weddings, including a mishap where a wedding videographer accidentally falls into a planter, disrupting the romantic moment.

Notable Quotes:

"The cameraman smashes the planter with a tree and goes ass over teakettle..." [13:49] "Shake it off. Come on, it's game day. Get up." [14:05]

---

4. Public Restroom Etiquette [83:00 - 95:12]

A humorous yet critical discussion on the etiquette of using public restrooms, particularly in dining establishments like Dunkin' Donuts.

Key Points:

• Toilet Mishaps:
  • Dick Toledo recounts a severe incident where a Dunkin' Donuts toilet exploded, causing injuries and highlighting poor maintenance practices.
  • The hosts mock the idea of paying for public restrooms to discourage misuse in restaurants.

Notable Quotes:

"No, no, no. I don't even want it near another store. A standalone." [95:10] "Don't poop at the Dunkin'. Everybody's. Always like, shouldn't we be courteous to each other?" [94:50]

---

5. Spelling Bee with Mike Tyson [100:20 - 122:11]

A standout segment featuring a comedic interaction with Mike Tyson, who hosts a sports-related spelling bee. The conversation is filled with humor, playful insults, and absurd challenges.

Highlights:

• Spelling Challenges:
  • Mike Tyson hosts and challenges listeners to spell complex sports names, often leading to humorous failures.

Notable Quotes:

"How are you doing, player? I think that's my shoe. Oh, sweet Jesus. I hope." [102:08] "Your haircut frames your face nicely." [101:12]

• Character Interactions:
  • The dynamic between John Holmberg, Dick Toledo, Brady Bogan, and Mike Tyson is lively, with frequent banter and mock confrontations.

Notable Quotes:

"You're a white man. I can beat the tar of them. Still. It's those black ones. Put me in the ring with a black, I lose every time." [112:15] "You're good at being average at everything." [112:35]

---

6. Celebrity and Current Events [122:11 - 146:50]

The podcast transitions to discussions about celebrities, recent marriages, and media news.

Key Topics:

• Buzz Aldrin’s Marriage:
  • Celebrating Buzz Aldrin’s 93rd birthday marriage to 63-year-old Anka Farr, the hosts humorously critique the age disparity.

Notable Quotes:

"He was born in 93. So he was born in 1930 and she was born 30 years later in the 1960s." [136:32] "That's a pretty good one." [137:07]

• Forest Lawn Cemeteries:
  • John Holmberg praises Forest Lawn for its stunning grounds and celebrity graves, noting the exclusivity and beauty of the cemeteries.

Notable Quotes:

"If you've ever gone to Forest Lawn, if you're ever in Burbank... it's stunning." [143:00]

• TV Shows and Movies:
  • Discussions about poorly rated shows like the Velma series and light-hearted critiques of popular media.

Notable Quotes:

"Velma as a standalone... lesbian Velma making her way through other." [139:49] "That's a good one. Hi there. Who's this?" [143:44]

---

7. Dash towards the End: Closing Remarks and Ads [146:50 - 151:00]

The episode wraps up with final humorous exchanges and promotional segments:

• Promotional Ads:

  • Action Ride Shop: Advertising gear for skiing and mountain biking. [54:26]
  • MMP Guns: Firearms experts offering products and accessories. [121:45]

• Final Banter:

  • The hosts continue their playful jabs and humorous storytelling, maintaining the episode’s comedic tone until the end.

Notable Quotes:

"We don't talk about it. Anyway. Cinderella. A whole new perspective on Cinderella." [145:04] "Don't poop at the Duncan. Everybody's." [142:49]

---

Conclusion:

This episode of Holmberg's Morning Sickness weaves through a tapestry of local entertainment promotions, car maintenance tips, exaggerated relationship humor, public restroom etiquette, engaging segments with Mike Tyson, and light-hearted celebrity gossip. The dynamic between John Holmberg and his co-hosts Brady Bogan, Dick Toledo, and guest Mike Tyson ensures a lively and entertaining experience for listeners, blending humor with relatable anecdotes and sharp commentary.

Final Notable Quote:

"It's out of control now. 98 KUPD, the best of Holmberg's morning sickness is on the air." [111:53]

---

Stay Connected: Tune in to Holmberg's Morning Sickness on 98 KUPD (97.9 FM) weekdays from 5:30 AM to 10:00 AM. Listen live or visit www.98kupd.com for more information.

Transcript

[John Holmberg]

All right, HMS Podcast, time again to.

[Brady Bogan]

Let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week.

[John Holmberg]

Get out to the Tempe Improv on.

[Brady Bogan]

The east side to see Paul Versey on Thursday and Beth Stelling Friday, Saturday and Sunday. The Desert Ridge Improv up North features Sarah Weinschenk this Thursday and Joe DeRosa.

[John Holmberg]

On Friday and Saturday.

[Brady Bogan]

And downtown at Stand Up Live, check out the very funny Lil Rel performing Friday, Saturday and Sunday for the complete lineups. And for tickets, go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com.

[John Holmberg]

And tempeimprov.com it's John Holberg here. For the amazing people at the Core Institute, life can throw you a curveball now and again. One day you're trucking along, feeling great. Next day your dog smashes into your head and knocks you cold. Or like a KUPD listener told me this week, his dog did a sprint across the backyard directly into the side of his wife's leg and blew her knee up. She needed that need to get fixed and fixed right. Two years later, she's running like she used to again. And it's all thanks to the Core Institute. I went through it too, and you can get rid of your pain and start saying yes, I can to all the things you want to do. And and all you have to do is trust the experts at the Core Institute. Head there right now. The Core Institute.com college hoops are here.

[Dick Toledo]

And there's no better place to catch.

[John Holmberg]

The action than Hooters. Fuel up with the baller bundle. 10 boneless wings, crispy fries, dressing and a fountain drink starting at just $9.99. Want to level up your game day experience? Swap the fountain drink for a Beat.

[Dick Toledo]

The Buzzer special featuring your choice of Beatbox or Buzz balls for a low price.

[John Holmberg]

This offer is for game days only, so grab your crew, enjoy the action.

[Dick Toledo]

And feast on the flavors you Hooters.

[John Holmberg]

The original wing joint since 1983. Hey, it's Larry McFeely here with Wayne from Amco and Wayne.

[Dick Toledo]

Now that it's getting warmer, I turned.

[John Holmberg]

On the AC in my car and the air's blowing.

[Dick Toledo]

Kind of cool, but it really smells like a basement. What can I do about that, Larry?

[John Holmberg]

Your car's AC system should be checked and serviced every year. Plus, replacing the cabin air filter helps the air blow strong and takes away any nasty smell. Nice.

[Dick Toledo]

Is that a big deal to get done?

[John Holmberg]

Not at all. It takes about an hour and in most cases we can do it while you wait.

[Dick Toledo]

That's awesome.

[John Holmberg]

I'll say. We're amco. Google Amco for your nearest location.

[Dick Toledo]

That's Amco, Double A, mco, Trans missions.

[John Holmberg]

And a whole lot more. Do not listen to this while driving or when full alertness is needed. The rest of Holmberg's morning sickness. This is the big red radio. I also have to report that I think through all the years of knowing Megan, she may have said the dumbest thing she's ever said. Just the other night. I still don't know what it means. I think I might be being fooled. It's got me thinking to a point where I almost wanted to just shove a ballpoint pen right through my temple and just end it right, right then and there. We're on the couch. I'm watching tv. She's watching tv. She starts to rub her boobs a little bit. All right, where's the problem? Well, her face was making it look like it wasn't.

[Dick Toledo]

There's more pain than.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know what was going on. I don't ask, but keep watching tv. What's going on?

[Eddie]

My nipples hurt bad. It's not even coming up on that time. Sometimes your nipples hurt during that.

[John Holmberg]

I'm like, I need to know more about that scourge.

[Mike Tyson]

La la la la la.

[Eddie]

It's just weird.

[John Holmberg]

I know. What have you been doing? I don't know.

[Eddie]

I had some ice cream.

[John Holmberg]

I looked at her and I didn't say anything.

[Eddie]

I think the ice cream's making my nipples hurt.

[John Holmberg]

How are you eating the ice cream? Like, are you dipping them in there? And then how in the world did I. It's never been a. That was her medical assessment of painful nipples. Rocky road might have done it.

[Dick Toledo]

Finally figured it out.

[John Holmberg]

Ah, it's the rocky road what makes my nipples start to sting.

[Dick Toledo]

You went out and got another half.

[John Holmberg]

Gallon and I just looked and I said, this is without a doubt in the history of the spoken word, the seven dumbest words strung together ever that I've ever heard in my life.

[Eddie]

Fluffy ice cream makes my nipples ache.

[John Holmberg]

No, it doesn't. Unless you're resting them in ice cold ice cream for hours on end. Nothing about ice cream travels directly to the nipple when you swallow. None of what you swallow goes, hey, let's detour over here. Party in the nipples for a second. It's going straight into the gut.

[Eddie]

Yeah, but your body processes the ice cream.

[John Holmberg]

Not to the nipples, it doesn't.

[Dick Toledo]

You don't know, John. Maybe the ice cream was trying to come out through the.

[John Holmberg]

You incorrect. I Do know that's not how the milk ducks work. And I know you're gonna say, why.

[Eddie]

Can'T a milk duck create dairy?

[John Holmberg]

Because it doesn't. And it never has and it never will.

[Dick Toledo]

She starts producing McFlurries outside of there, which.

[John Holmberg]

Then I'm taking her to Sweden. I'm getting my nobe prize. I'm gonna have the greatest human being alive. Not only that, there's ice cream coming out of these sweet cans.

[Eddie]

I think the ice cream's making my nipples ache.

[John Holmberg]

You can't figure that sentence out. That doesn't mean anything.

[Dick Toledo]

Why don't you get together with the other doctors?

[John Holmberg]

And I'm looking at him like, hey, we got Google at our disposal. There's more information in the human hand now than has ever existed through time. And you choose to just guess that ice cream's making your nipples hurt rather than first, why do my nipples hurt? Reasons why nipples may hurt. I give you a thousand different things. Ice cream won't come up once. If ice cream's on the list, it's because you poured it on there and then climbed into the freezer and kept it. That's it. You can frostbite them. That's it.

[Eddie]

I think it gets the ice cream. I'm digesting it wrong.

[John Holmberg]

You sure are. If your nipples are involved in the digestion process. And I just looked at her and I said, normally nipple talk gets me going. This conversation is over. I'm gonna be in the other room watching Wheel of Fortune. I can't do this.

[Dick Toledo]

Can't I finish my ice cream without this?

[John Holmberg]

And you have to say, you can't. You gotta tough love that, because otherwise she'll talk to friends.

[Eddie]

Hey, when you guys have ice cream, do your nipples start to ache?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, God, she's an idiot. Quiet her down. Other people are gonna know. And then she started laughing.

[Eddie]

I guess it is sort of dumb.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it is. God, it's real. D. Tom. Stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life.

[Dick Toledo]

I missed the daily double because of this.

[John Holmberg]

Never. Even on those commercials when the guy's taking Zantac and it's just that outline of a human being with his mouth open and one straight line to his stomach. Never once does the Zantac bounce around the chest a little bit and ding. You're not a pinball machine. It goes right in.

[Dick Toledo]

It's true. That's a great chart.

[John Holmberg]

It is a great chart. It's really to the point. Zantac goes in mouth and strops straight down that tube to Your tummy, and then everything's better. If you had walked water at Camp Lejeune. Your nipples ache after eating ice cream. You're the dumbest person on the planet. I couldn't believe what I heard. I'm just looking at it. I don't get it. I don't get anything you're talking about. And I don't want to. I'm not even gonna. I'm not even gonna. I'm not going down this road, this rocky road with you. What flavor was it? I mean, what am I supposed to ask next? I've heard mint chocolate chip will do that to the nipple. That's pretty known. Called some doctors. They'll tell you the same even if you did that.

[Dick Toledo]

Stay away from that. Just keep it vanilla or chocolate.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's it. Don't get too. Don't get too creative, because the next thing you know, your nipples will fall off. Hi, Banner Health.

[Mike Tyson]

Can I help you?

[Eddie]

I just had some ice cream. My nipples are hurting.

[John Holmberg]

I'm gonna hang up on you, man. We're very busy. Goodbye. Yeah. Stupid crank. Some kid said their nipples hurt from ice cream. I've heard about this. Yeah. This is how vaccine stuff starts. This is how misinformation gets going. One person says something like that, and then you take it seriously. And the next thing you know, it's on the Internet. And women with achy nipples start thinking it's. They can't have ice cream anymore.

[Dick Toledo]

She ate the ice cream too fast and got a nipple headache.

[John Holmberg]

No, no, there's no. Nope. Nope. Again, Brady. Gotta go back to my original assessment of your words and say you, Brady. Not a thing. And it was, like, running through her mind. I want to know what things she discarded before she spewed out that nonsense. What other things were like, I wonder.

[Eddie]

Why my nipples hurt.

[Dick Toledo]

I haven't had this before.

[John Holmberg]

I rode a horse once, like, what the F is going on now?

[Eddie]

That can't be it. I slept on my side.

[John Holmberg]

No.

[Eddie]

Maybe that ice cream I've been eating. That's one. I'm gonna say that out loud.

[Brady Bogan]

No.

[John Holmberg]

What did you dismiss to come to the hypothesis that ice cream, like ingesting it, made your nipples start to kind of tingle?

[Eddie]

You never.

[John Holmberg]

And that was the other thing.

[Eddie]

You never know.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, God. Yes, I do. I'm positive. I know this. There's no correlation to eating ice cream and tender nipples. It's just nonsense. None. Otherwise, your nipples will be fat. Because if your body's involved in it, the digestion's like, get the nipples Involved, your nipples would start showing weight. You'd have nipple overhang. Some of you do. The stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life, and I've heard some stupid stuff. I work with Brady. I live with her. I mean, I have heard some Christie yesterday, trying to sell me.

[Dick Toledo]

That's when you think you went to the mountaintop of.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah. Just when you're like, oh, well, it's been a while since something really dumb happened. Megan 911 calling.

[Eddie]

My nipples hurt nicely. Get some ice cream. Bad ice cream.

[John Holmberg]

Like, that's. Even if it was, like, tainted ice cream, your nipples aren't the first sign of trouble. Your stomach's fine.

[Eddie]

Yeah, it seems to be all right.

[John Holmberg]

And the nipples are fine, too.

[Eddie]

I walked against a stucco wall with my shirt off for a half hour. That can't be it. It's that ice cream.

[Dick Toledo]

The whipping. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know. Maybe Tyrone's squeezing him too hard when I'm not home. I don't know.

[Eddie]

I had some bad chocolate, if you know what I mean.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, that could hurt him.

[Dick Toledo]

The lawn guys were taking the weed.

[Eddie]

Whip to it, and I was tied to a tree.

[Brady Bogan]

Officer Rico Blaze showed up, and the lawn guys were.

[Eddie]

They were hitting me pretty hard in the nipple. No, it's the ice cream. I had ice cream. Nipple dam.

[John Holmberg]

The second dumbest thing comes from her mother years ago, who told me that she had restless leg syndrome. And I'm like, oh, that's because I don't believe that's a real thing. I just think you're just being a jerk at night in bed, and you're using a medical malady to try to explain why you keep kicking your husband.

[Eddie]

Well, I do have it, John.

[John Holmberg]

I'm like, all right, you got it. Big deal.

[Eddie]

I'm like, and it's hereditary. My mother had it, too, and I.

[John Holmberg]

Had to remind her she was adopted. You didn't inherit crap from that lady. The woman that you know who kicked your. Your.

[Dick Toledo]

Which one are you talking about?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, which one? The one you haven't met ever that has restless leg. You do know that about her? You're adopted mother.

[Eddie]

I know one thing. I don't know her name or where she lives, but I've heard she has restless leg syndrome and a propensity to have nipple damage from too much ice cream. It's passed down through the blood.

[John Holmberg]

I just ended the conversation. I have to remind you something, that your. Your mother that had restless leg syndrome was not your biological mom.

[Eddie]

Well, that doesn't. It's a.

[John Holmberg]

It's made up. Stop.

[Eddie]

Restless leg is a very real syndrome.

[John Holmberg]

I've heard of syndromes. I know you got one too.

[Dick Toledo]

Maybe it was a combo. It had restless nipple syndrome.

[John Holmberg]

Well, that could be what that now and passed down. That's a red from a non blood grandma. Yeah, that's right. It could be. I guess if you hang around someone long enough, you'll pick up all their, you know, their DNA and hereditary inherited traits, maladies. Yeah, she's my adoptive mother, but I. I picked up her restless leg. But the nipple thing is, it's the. It's the top of the heap next to the time I threw bread off the top of the roof in show low off the deck. What are you doing throwing bread down there for those birds?

[Eddie]

You're gonna make bears like.

[John Holmberg]

No, that's not how bears are made.

[Dick Toledo]

That's right.

[John Holmberg]

Make bears. What the hell are you talking about? What? A girl bear and a boy be each other very much. That's how you make bears. You don't just throw bread.

[Eddie]

You know what I meant.

[John Holmberg]

Use words. Good ones. My buddy had a stroke. He makes more sense than you.

[Eddie]

You're gonna make bears.

[John Holmberg]

I'm not making bears with that. It's not a thing anyway. So if your nipples ache, ladies, just consider perhaps stay away from ice cream. Last night's dessert. Baskin Robbins has a warning on the door now that says may cause nipple sensitivity. I don't know what you're doing with your ice cream, but it ain't right. So keep it up. That is what I have to deal with in life, Derek.

[Dick Toledo]

We now has the nipple delight. Used to be the triple delight, but changed it up.

[John Holmberg]

Do you know how hard it is to live a life where you got that going on at home? And then you look forward to the intellectual stimulation of Brady conversation. I mean, that's really. That's really where I have to go. That's the train I'm on.

[Dick Toledo]

Piece of heaven.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it's a you, my friend. It's like walking into a Mensa meeting the day after dinner with nipplegate. Ah, Brady, regale me with one of your tall tales.

[Eddie]

What?

[John Holmberg]

There was, and then all of a sudden none of that made sense. And it was better than that nipple story. God forbid she has a popsicle. Her vagina will fall off if she's using it right. This is a. This is a story I laughed at too, because this is from my home state in Indiana. A guy went through the McDonald's drive thru. I don't know if you have the story or not, a guy went through the McDonald's drive thru and instead of his order he got a McDonald's bag with a few thousand dollars in it. Well that's a drug deal for the guy behind you. They just gave you the wrong car.

[Dick Toledo]

Wrong car.

[John Holmberg]

Nobody in the news is saying that like oh, what are the odds one of the McDonald's employee lost thousands of dollars? Well yeah, you're supposed to do it looks like a transaction. They give you thousands and you hand them what looks like money but it's not. It's probably.

[Dick Toledo]

Can you imagine his face when he handed over the cash to the guy? He's like, he's waiting for his.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And he didn't get his weed. See you later.

[Dick Toledo]

Thanks.

[John Holmberg]

And the dude takes off. Thanks a lot.

[Dick Toledo]

I'm dead.

[John Holmberg]

Did I just give that dude the wrong thing? Well he probably in the McDonald's because he's dumb. Probably thought he gave him the burger one so didn't even realize it. The thing I'd be worried about is the drug dealer that gets the quarter Pounder or the filet of fish and looks and goes what the hell are you trying to pull man? This dude drives off with the money and then he goes, well somebody's going to miss this. And he drove back, returns and gave it to him.

[Dick Toledo]

Good Samaritan.

[John Holmberg]

Nobody's arresting the McDonald's employees. Does no one see that there should not be large sums of money being pushed back and forth through the drive thru window in the McDonald's bags.

[Dick Toledo]

That money was clearly for the officers.

[John Holmberg]

Right? You're paying someone, it's not on the up and up. And this guy's well I should probably give this back.

[Dick Toledo]

And did he get a reward?

[John Holmberg]

He's on the news.

[Dick Toledo]

But don't you most of the time return some cash. They're like thank you.

[John Holmberg]

It's just grateful. McDonald's employees could be heard on the video expressing their relief when they walked in with the money. Now my guess is all the employees at McDonald's pooled together a few thousand dollars and then at 5:30, you know Trevonte was going to come rolling in and hand them over their good. And they had the bag ready. Well this guy grabbed the bag accidentally and gave it to him. So they were, so they were relieved that Trevonte wasn't there yet and they had his money brought back to him.

[Brady Bogan]

Time Trica gave the wrong bag.

[John Holmberg]

Time Trica was her fault. Time Trica was going to definitely have some splaining to do when that 77 Monte Carlo came rolling through. You got my bag. What happened was. But this idiot brought it back and they were all excited. They're like, oh, thank God. Thank you so much. Because they were all so grateful.

[Dick Toledo]

But look, look at the, the options though. Like if that happened to you and you didn't check the order, they handed you a bag, you think it, and then all of a sudden you pull out. It's a couple of thousand.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

What are you doing with it?

[John Holmberg]

Keeping it Cash. If it's drug money, they can't find me. They don't even. They're, they're, they're working a drive through window. You think they're. All of a sudden they're Sherlock Holmes? They're not finding that. They don't know which. If they don't know they gave me the bag, there is a little risk. They don't know which car they gave it to if they don't know they gave me the bag. They thought they gave me fries and a burger and I'm looking in there.

[Dick Toledo]

Going to McDonald's surveillance camera, go back, get the license plate.

[Brady Bogan]

I'll just go down the street, get a Whopper instead, you know?

[John Holmberg]

Then what? They get the license plate, sorry, pookie, I spent it, right? They get the license plate. Suddenly they're smart enough to roll through that operation where they're going to investigating where to find you. They asked the idiot who brought the money back. They're like, any advice for people to be more like you? And he goes, the only advice I have is do good people. It's called integrity. Doing the right thing even when no one is looking.

[Brady Bogan]

What a pussy.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, he missed the boat. Never take drug money.

[John Holmberg]

This one says, bro, you probably just saved all their jobs. If I was the McDonald's owner, I'd be like, all right, great little feel good story for our franchise today. But I got a question for you. Why in the are you guys handing out thousands of dollars through my drive thru window? See what had happened. What time, Trica? I didn't ask you. I know why you're doing Damn, Justin. I put you in charge of time Trica for a reason. No, that's not. Somebody else suggested they owe this guy free McDonald's for at least a year.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, there's no gift cards or anything.

[John Holmberg]

They gave him $200 worth of McDonald's merch.

[Dick Toledo]

There you go.

[John Holmberg]

He had two grand in his hand. What are you getting? 200 of must buy versus 2,000 of whatever you want. No, thanks. You're an idiot. Somebody hands you $2,000 in a drive through. Look at your friends. Slap high fives, go to Wendy's, get yourself a triple because you can afford it now. Baconator. Yeah, get a frosty, go nuts, you've got free money. So whittle that down to, you know, nineteen hundred dollars. Have a field day at Wendy's, giggle your way all the way home and go, they're never gonna find us.

[Dick Toledo]

Pick up another bag of cash.

[John Holmberg]

I might never go to that McDonald's again. Just in case. Brady's right and they did kind of fumble through and find my car. But they don't know which person got it. They were just worried when Tremonte was going to show up and they scrambling to get that bag back. The what had happened? Tremonte? Justin gave the bag to a customer. So good news is you get a free burger because we still have his order inside. I'm sorry, instead of my quarter pounder and french fries, you've given me $2,000 cash. Untraceable cash. Here you go. I'd like to trade that back in for my burger meat. Idiot.

[Dick Toledo]

The H2 with 22s is still waiting in the parking lot for his special order.

[John Holmberg]

His arms crossed. Yeah. Please pull up to lot number one. We'll be out in a second. That's exactly what happened. But none of the news is smart enough to go out. They didn't even send like Holly bach from Channel 3 over there to go. Nobody thinks this is a drug deal. Griselta Saltino would have figured this out in a second.

[Eddie]

$2,000 was exchanged through a drive through window and we all know what that means in Maryvale. That's a drug deal. And he brought the money back because he is an idiot.

[Dick Toledo]

It's so much slower now.

[John Holmberg]

I know we've gotten to her. Yeah, we're programming.

[Brady Bogan]

We programmed this morning.

[John Holmberg]

Now she's a news girl and then.

[Eddie]

We have different opinions about the way this has to go. Griselda Saltino que t a r n use.

[John Holmberg]

I'm like wow. She's putting she's sing song in a ballad now. Used to be all sing songy and amateurish. Now Griselda's getting it together. But she'd recognize this story. A complete goof.

[Dick Toledo]

Next. If we can just get to.

[John Holmberg]

That's just mean of her parents. Her last name's Leon. What can we do to make it so Asians can never say our daughter's name? Neleana Leon. Oh yeah. Asians will never get through that. Imagine her trying to do that in a. She's Got a trip to Japan.

[Mike Tyson]

What your name?

[John Holmberg]

I call you Susie. No way. Not even a good try.

[Mike Tyson]

Neleanna Naray Rah Rah.

[John Holmberg]

No Neleanna Narra Leon Wrong. Kim Nara Rara. Anyway, if you got $2,000 in your hand for McDonald's bag, keep it. Am I wrong? It's out of control now. Hi, I'm Diane Fisher from Fisher Tools. From our humble beginnings in 1964 at the Phoenix park and swap to our 4 acre campus located just south of Tempe Marketplace off the 202. Emmett Clintock Fisher Tools has been building the valley for over 60 years. Come check us out and browse our huge selection of tools and anything you need to do the job right. We carry Milwaukee, DeWalt, Makita, Proto and so much more. We're also [e-mail] CUPD listeners will receive 10% off order when you mention this ad. Fisher Tools. If we don't have it, we can't sell it. It's Dick Toledo with new customers right now on FanDuel. Get $150 in bonus bets when your.

[Dick Toledo]

First $5 wager wins.

[John Holmberg]

Just visit FanDuel.com KUPD to grab $150.

[Dick Toledo]

In college hoops bonus bets with a winning $5 bet and prepare for March.

[John Holmberg]

On FanDuel America's number one sportsbook 21.

[Dick Toledo]

Plus and President Arizona first online real.

[John Holmberg]

Money wager only five dollar first deposit required.

[Dick Toledo]

Bonus issued as non withdrawable bonus bets.

[John Holmberg]

Which expire seven days after receipt. Restrictions apply. See terms duel.com gambling problem.

[Dick Toledo]

Call 1-800-next-step or text next step to 53342.

[John Holmberg]

It's good to be on top, isn't it?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

So get on top and ride. With the top morning show in town and the best of Holmberg's morning sickness. I am excited because the first story I read today was a I just opened my phone. Somebody sent me something and said this is for us. Us another like minded individual. Brett, you'll like this. Brady, maybe not so much but Brady, all you you've aged into this. You could actually do this. They're, they're starting a child free adults only living suburb centers meaning you can't have kids but you don't have to be 55 and older. Retirement communities have that for the 55. But the thing about retirement they can visit. Nobody thinks about retirement communities because there's kids all over. His grandkids show up and grandkids end up sometimes live with their grandparents at those things. I know in two occasions where A guy lived with his kid and his mom at her retirement home because he got divorced and booted. So they, they have no policy that says you can't. These are normal people, not retirees over the age of 55 or, you know, senior living where you just have a neighborhood with, you know, public amenities and everything else. The lady was mainly complaining. She goes, we have a public pool with, you know, this gigantic thing. We pay every month. And every time I go there, there's kids in it screaming and yelling. In the lap pool, they got their own and the kids have their own pool and the parents aren't anywhere. They just drop them off. Everything else, she goes, so I'm working on it. And it got traction. Instead of people going, oh, you just don't like kids? She's like, no. She goes, enough people filed in and signed up and said let's, let's see if we can make our neighborhood child free.

[Brady Bogan]

Where is this?

[John Holmberg]

It's in England right now. Oh, damn. But if we start talking about how wonderful that can be, we can still discriminate against them like it's our. It's. It's our God given right evidently as human beings to want to find someone to discriminate against. We've been doing it since the beginning of man. We pick a group and we discriminate kids. We can discriminate. They have no rights. It's fantastic.

[Dick Toledo]

But what you didn't know is the place in England's called Barren Woods. Good home development.

[John Holmberg]

Fine. That's my favorite type of woman, the barren one.

[Brady Bogan]

Can we broadcast from England?

[John Holmberg]

I mean? Yeah, we need to move and have. You know what? In this modern age, you'll last about four days in child free zone. No, in England I would last for. You could move me to Bhopal, India. If it was child three, I'd never want to come back. Brady, that's a tall order. Yeah. No, you could move me to the worst parts of Africa. We do not have children. Okay. Also no food, but I'll take it. I'll forage for food before I live in a neighborhood riddled with kids. What a great thing. And then so that kind of trickled down over into. Well, why not Restaurants I love.

[Dick Toledo]

There's that one place that opened up where I think it's in New York.

[Brady Bogan]

Dammit.

[Dick Toledo]

No kids.

[John Holmberg]

No kids.

[Dick Toledo]

Yep.

[John Holmberg]

None. I love it.

[Dick Toledo]

The one guy. It was. One was a no kids and the other was Check your phone at the.

[John Holmberg]

Cool with that place. That's fine too. I would do that, but I am that we are a strong, quiet group of people who did. Did right by the environment. Environmentalists. I call us Brett. We're environmentalists. We didn't add to the problem. We were responsible not to make more people. And we, we want our own sanctuary. We want our own place.

[Dick Toledo]

It is interesting because I, I think majority of the bars are still that way, but. But now they made more family friendly stuff.

[John Holmberg]

Not necessarily. When bars are fun. Yeah, but you go taverns and, and yeah, you're Gilbert. There's no place in the world for you in Gilbert that's going to say no kids. You go to the bars in Gilbert. Every restaurant in Gilbert, all the good restaurants down in Phoenix are like, oh, this is a cool place. And Gilbert is just a family adventure. It's what Gilbert is. You couldn't do it in Gilbert, but that's the point. Like, that's why I'd never live in Gilbert. It's a freaking kid festival everywhere you look.

[Dick Toledo]

What about the Undertow? They allow kids in the Undertow?

[John Holmberg]

I don't think so.

[Brady Bogan]

I think it's one of those places. It's. It's normally like, you know, you can have kids there till 9 or something like that. And then.

[John Holmberg]

But what if you don't want to drink? What if you're not out for a night of boozing? You want a nice dinner? You want to, you know, state 44. No kid night at steak 40. I don't know why anybody takes their kids to steak 44 anyway. They don't appreciate it. Too much money for a kid to order the side of Mac and cheese for $31. Knock it off. Take your kid to an Applebee's. That's. That's their palate level. They don't need to be exposed to this. Imagine what they're going to do on. See, I always tell my friend, he takes his daughter, who's now 14. They go, she demands. Like, she does it all the time. Let's get sushi. Let's go get steak 44. And I'm like, you know what you've done? You've wrecked whoever's going to date her. You've made her impossible to like as a. Because she, you know, you try to take her to a normal dinner. She's like, ugh. She's been raised on, you know, Christopher's and Steak 44 and restaurants in the Biltmore. It's like, she can't date some kid unless the kid's independently wealthy. And she's not gonna find that he's.

[Dick Toledo]

Just set him up for he's gonna be the one that takes her to dinner for birthdays.

[John Holmberg]

That's it.

[Dick Toledo]

My dad will take me to take 45.

[John Holmberg]

Exactly. You're never gonna measure up to the food Daddy gave, and now she's gonna be a weirdo.

[Brady Bogan]

That's the worst part is, that kid, that poor kid that's dating, there's gonna be like, I can only afford a bag of a basket of ribbons, you know?

[John Holmberg]

Come on, come on. Two for 20. I have a coupon, dummy.

[Eddie]

Yeah, this is Corrales.

[John Holmberg]

I'm here. Oh, man. You're impossible to like. I told him, He's.

[Dick Toledo]

The upside of it is she's looking for a guy that can do the steak 44.

[John Holmberg]

And downside is, can't find the guy who does. You're gonna.

[Dick Toledo]

They're a good couple.

[John Holmberg]

Downside? She's attracted to a bad boy who can't take her to stake 44. Next thing you know, she's rolling around in the back of a car making people and staying out of Bretton Mines neighborhood. She's gonna be pregnant by the time she's 16.

[Dick Toledo]

Keep this up, I'll get you steak in a 40.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, right. That's what she's about. Steak 44. Shut your mouth. Here's your 40.

[Brady Bogan]

Sizzle in a 40 ounce.

[John Holmberg]

Here's your steak. That's your meat tonight. You're a bad boy. That's right. Oh, opposite of dad.

[Dick Toledo]

Bad boy goes to dinner with you on her birthday.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, he's gonna be.

[Dick Toledo]

Dad's picking up.

[John Holmberg]

He's gonna be eating, that's for sure. Oh, Dad's picking up. But she's got to be careful because prenatal care says she shouldn't eat a lot of protein. She's gonna be pregnant. She'll be bored. He won't be able to take her to a dinner. He'll do one of those romantic walks in the park thing. She's gonna be pregnant. We've created a pregnant. A pregnancy monster. We got child three, and we need to be as people who don't have children and don't want them a little bit more like, hey, vocal about, I think people should get kicked out more often with their kids. That was. This all comes from me working at Tony Romans and seeing, you know, everybody acts like, oh, it's so different now. No, it's not. Thirty years ago, when I was working in restaurants, people just let their kids do whatever the Cheerios. If I see a cheer, it ruined Cheerios for me, watching people just throw it on the ground. And say, well, you have people to pick that up. What does your house look like, you hogs? They're goldfish bags. The second I saw that little Ziploc come out of that mom purse full of goldfish, I'm like, well, there's just gonna be gummed up cud goldfish all over this table, all over that highchair. And you. You just want us to clean up after him for one night?

[Dick Toledo]

That's where the fast, fast casual kicks in. They don't have time to set up camp and spray the Cheerios.

[John Holmberg]

They may.

[Dick Toledo]

I haven't seen that in a long. But it. It's. Yeah, they find the spots.

[John Holmberg]

Yep. If a mom has the thing of Cheerios or even worse, the little. Like, she's super prepared. And that's the little plastic container of Cheerios for that.

[Brady Bogan]

Little Tupperwares. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Little tups of. Here you go, doll. Just gum it up and spit it all over the place. That's what. And it doesn't matter because everybody loves you. Nope, not true.

[Dick Toledo]

Cute.

[John Holmberg]

Yep. That was a good majority of the time. I think those kids were drinking tainted sprites or we had Sierra Mist. There was a few Sierra Mists your kid was sucking down that had James Pearman's bodily flu woods in them. I guarantee you that. I never did.

[Dick Toledo]

Tough one is eating at the restaurant, and you look over and there's mush mouth. Got the whatever. The carrots. Liquid carrots that's all over the mouth.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Just dripping.

[John Holmberg]

If you're at a restaurant, you shouldn't be allowed to. You shouldn't. Just like, I couldn't. Just like, I couldn't bring it in. If you and I went to a restaurant like, Brady, you're not gonna order off the menu. I. I brought you a bag of food. You're not allowed to do that. It's against health concern with babies. For some reason, you can bring food from home into a restaurant. Not supposed to be able to do that. Brett and I are out. I'm like, I have some pizza I wrapped up from another place. Here you go. Chow on that. I'm gonna order something off the menu. They kick Brett out. Like, what are you doing? You brought food from another place. It's illegal.

[Brady Bogan]

Did you guys just tell your own. Was that you just. Just fight over who was gonna have to take that table?

[John Holmberg]

When kids walked in, money exchanged hands a lot. I was like, especially if I was. Because I was there for a long time as a busboy. Especially when we first started. I was a bus boy. I Started when I was 15. By the time I was 17, you still had to be a busboy because you couldn't do anything else. I had seniority over all these little pricks and I'd be like, look, I cleaned up enough app. This is yours. Oh, you could have gave me five bucks for that. I'm not giving you anything. You go clean up that kid's orange snot slop. Goldfish.

[Dick Toledo]

And was it restaurant carpet or was it.

[John Holmberg]

Oh yeah, it was a cruddy restaurant and we had to use the bissell to try to get it off and it didn't, it just mashed it in. So then you get on your hand, hands and knees and scrub baby cud out of the carpeting. Blech.

[Dick Toledo]

My little angel.

[John Holmberg]

All four, and I mean all four child free restaurants and everything else. It's great. That's what makes the gay neighborhood so awesome. Occasionally one of their adopted Asians will pop in, but most of the time a child free zone is a really clean tastic place to be. So I'm all for this. And a child free neighborhood for normal people. You don't have to be in and amongst 70 year olds under 55. Yeah, I mean just a great spot to live and it's for us responsible people that didn't go muck up the earth with more people.

[Dick Toledo]

Now I think some of these places here you can cut in at 50.

[John Holmberg]

I probably have to pay a little extra, but it's almost worth it. And that's the thing. People always will email and say you were a kid once and I was a kid who if I misbehaved in a restaurant, you didn't know I was there there. You never knew I was there. If I made a no, if I talked, I was out of line. My grandpa had a rule in his house that if he's talking, no one else is. And if a kid says something at a table, dinner was over for that kid. You don't speak, you're not important at all during dinner and God forbid you hummed or anything else, he'd just reach over and take your place. He goes, that's it. It's a place for the adults to talk. You just eat man. That's pretty awesome. Cuz now I'm like, that's beautiful. What a. That is a gold beautiful. And he liked kids. He wasn't like, he just had strict rules about at the dinner table. The kids don't have a say. It was shut your mouth restaurants.

[Brady Bogan]

It was five across a mouth for me. If I got out of line.

[John Holmberg]

I just.

[Brady Bogan]

I was right in the restaurant.

[John Holmberg]

I spent many a meal in the backseat of a car in the parking lot. I blew my straw. I got a milkshake that was a treat. Sucked up that milkshake and looked at that witch sister of mine and just shot milkshake on her.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, you got in trouble.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, did I get in trouble. I got carried out of the restaurant by my pants like a super wedgie. And he's like, shut your mouth. Shut your mouth. Don't you cry. I'll give you something to cry about. That old line. I'm like, oh, my God. And I realized, oh, he's going to kill me, and I probably deserve it. That was pretty stupid. And then you realized, don't note to self. Don't shoot food on your stupid sister. Sister in public or otherwise, when dad's around. Stuffed me in a car. I sat in the back of that oldsmobile regency bro amp but two hours. They could have abducted me. My dad would have been fine with it. He probably left the keys in the car with a note that said free kid inside.

[Dick Toledo]

I almost bid on one of those for you at the barrett jackson on Saturday.

[John Holmberg]

Regency.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. There's an 88.

[John Holmberg]

What year?

[Dick Toledo]

An 88.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, 1988. Okay. Not the 98. And then the Delta 88.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

So, yeah, we had a 76, 77. We get the grand prix. We had another one in 86. The. The. The redo regency.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

We're much smaller. Yeah. My dad likes body. He loved the oldsmobile, and he also liked the car for himself. The oldsmobile was. The family trucks. But yeah, child free zones are. They're good. I have no issues with.

[Brady Bogan]

I wonder if it's like a whole community where the restaurant and stuff like that. No kids either.

[Dick Toledo]

I think it's changed.

[John Holmberg]

That's it. Amazing, too.

[Dick Toledo]

A little going out. I mean, now more and more families go out. No matter what. When we would go out. Like when I was a kid, when I was younger. Had to put a blazer on most times. When you went to the menacor restaurant, German restaurant, There was. You're behaving. You're following orders there.

[John Holmberg]

This is only 20 years removed from their last movement. You're still a little wary of the germans. There were a lot of them still alive from the last thing. Saying we were close and probably pretty happy about it. They almost won. And you got to remember that the survivors in germany that were on board Were this close to being a germanic. The entire thing was almost germany, the whole globe. There Were a few of them that were unhappy about the loss. They did not take the loss well. They look like that guy for the Bengals just sitting there crying. It's like the Americans did what we lost. We had. We were on the doorstep of it all. It was very close, but I understand. You got to suit up, make sure. But we didn't. We didn't do too many suit nights because my dad knew we'd ruin.

[Dick Toledo]

That's why we didn't like. That was smart because as a kid you don't like doing that.

[Brady Bogan]

Even on.

[Dick Toledo]

Even on. I don't want to go to planes.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, we had to dress up to go places. Yeah. I had a dumb little suit with a clip on tie that occasionally it stuffed me in. And I'd get antsy because I don't like having all those clothes on. But I knew better. You never heard from me. And that's a good. That's good parenting. A kid is not to be heard from in public. It's not. It's not your time to shine, son. This is not an audition for who's the funnest kid in a restaurant. Sit down, shut up or you're not eating. If you make any noise. That was great. The best. But yeah, I'm excited about this first story. This is for us, John. This is for us. I'm looking and this lady, all she does put a TikTok out. I'm sick of this. Every time I try to use some of the amenities in our neighborhood, there's rogue children ruining it. Can't do anything. Can't go to the park. Can't do, you know, like have those. Anything. And it was. The worst part would be if they had a kid pool and they're still in your pool. That's what she said. I do laps in the morning and there's kids jumping at me like this is great. So movement against them. I vote to eradicate them all packing today. I mean, I go further. I'll say if we could just eliminate them, I would have no issue with that completely. Just kind of, you know, wean out the entire species.

[Brady Bogan]

This guy had a. This guy had parents like us. John, believe me, I feel your pain of doing something stupid. Except when. Especially when I was shooting spit wads at my sister. My dad would just beat my ass right there and didn't care who was watching.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I didn't get the beatings. I got the. I got everything just removed. I got the fear of beating more than the beatings. Occasionally you get the smack.

[Brady Bogan]

Yeah, I would get the smack once in a while. But I usually, like I said, five across the mouth.

[John Holmberg]

And they would tell me, I will hit you right in front of everyone. And I was like, oh, geez, here we go. Or he'd just start to unbuckle his belt, which he never hit me with once, but that was enough of a threat. He could smack that thing together and make me just poop. Yeah. Fear of your parents. That's a smarter, better way. This love thing isn't working. It's just making all your kids fentanyl addicts. Gotta bring back fear. Bring back fear. 20, 23. Stop being their friends. Start being their wardens.

[Brady Bogan]

Fear and shame.

[John Holmberg]

Like, fear and shame. Fear and shame have been missing for a little while, and it's. And I notice it with your rat kids. I talk to my friend Mark's daughter all the time. She's just evil now. She just, like. She drove me home the other day. She's only 14, but they've got a golf cart. And we rode bikes. And I was getting bikes back to Mark's house and, you know, everything else. And she drove the golf cart back. And she just like. Like, you know what you are, ugly ass. All right, all right. Okay. And I'll tease back and then. But she's just. And she'll cuss and swear, stirring it up. Parents don't care. She's swearing like crazy. And I'm like, man, oh, man. Would have been a. Just. I would have been buried in the backyard for that. Oh, the cussing thing. It's theirs. They're. They're fine with it. Everybody's like, yeah, what are you going to do? It's total dad. I'm like, she's 13. Should hit her. I think you should hit her. She shouldn't be. She's cussing at you. Ah, what are you gonna do? You hit her. I think right now is when you. Okay? Guess not. But yeah. So child free zones. I like my friend's kids, but I like them at a distance. I like it when we go out. They don't go. They know I wouldn't. I've been invited over. Like, are the kids gonna be there? Ah, yeah. And a couple of their. Nope, I'm out. Their friends are there too. I've been through this. It's a nightmare. Nobody likes your kids. Not on adult night. Let's keep it normal.

[Dick Toledo]

Be interesting to see the responsibility of this couple. They're under investigation. The Department of Education, Ohio, because they have a school that's openly anti Semitic and racist Nazi Homeschooling Group, 2500 members on it right now. Upper. And I saw the headline said Upper what? Upper Sandusky, which is Cleveland. But. But they're under investigation right now.

[John Holmberg]

They're openly anti Semitic and they're under investigation. That investigation.

[Dick Toledo]

Well, that's why they've been accused of this. So they're under investigation. But they, you know, I think they got something here. Nazi dissident homeschool group which now boasts over 2500 members. Members on its Telegram channel. I guess you can get it online too.

[John Holmberg]

But if you're openly. Anything, what are they investigating?

[Dick Toledo]

Whether that's. That's. That's got. It's illegal to be.

[John Holmberg]

Is it a public school?

[Dick Toledo]

The group openly advocates white supremacist ideologies and aims to make sure the children they teach become wonderful Nazis.

[John Holmberg]

Sure. If it's a private Nazi school, you got to allow it. If it's a public school, absolutely. It's the same thing as you going.

[Dick Toledo]

Into it to see.

[John Holmberg]

No different than you taking Kirby to Christian school to belief system being taught to a child. It's horrible.

[Dick Toledo]

Well, maybe they were making sure they follow everything. Like if you're disciplining the kids, how are you doing that?

[John Holmberg]

They're all on the same team. How do the Nazis discipline differently to their group?

[Dick Toledo]

I'm saying they're not my. Well, I. I know some states, you know, ban any kind of physical striking.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, but you're assuming the Nazis are just beating the crap out of the Nazi.

[Dick Toledo]

Not assuming that. I'm just saying that that's why they're investigating. Checking out, you know, are you following the state's education?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, the reading, writing and arithmetic. I don't think they're worried too much about knocking them around and also throwing some Nazi stuff. It's really. No, I don't. It's awful. But I don't see it any different than going to a religious school.

[Brady Bogan]

Another great thing about the adult only thing, no schools, let alone no Nazi schools.

[John Holmberg]

Stupid Z where you have to slow down to like four miles an hour.

[Brady Bogan]

For no red for ed taxes.

[John Holmberg]

You know, my favorite thing in the world is, oh, you already have those city buses. Don't care about the people on the buses. They assume that and they just park them on the side of the road and everybody can just get out. But a school bus, they know those idiots get out. They have to stop everybody going every direction. City bus the other day just stopped on the road and I was going around it and then people just started to walk in Front of. There's no crosswalk. I'm like, we need to stop.

[Dick Toledo]

Didn't you learn this in school?

[John Holmberg]

When did that leave your brain, dummy, that you're not supposed to. There's a crosswalk 15ft the other way. He's gonna walk in front of the bus and pops right out from. You didn't. I didn't see him right there in Glendale. Boink. Like ah. Yeah. But nobody cares. And that's what I always like too is like elementary school kids. They've done some studies. They can take a hit from a card. 50 miles an hour or under. Junior high's 25. You notice that? That's it. They don't slow you down.

[Dick Toledo]

Only bounces so far.

[John Holmberg]

High schools are like 35. Let's kill it. 10 miles an hour. These kids are bigger. We can hit them at 35. I've always. I've always looked at school zones acceleration of speed as hilarious. Like man, these kids are pretty small. 15. 15 and under.

[Dick Toledo]

That high school. Yep. 35 and high school.

[John Holmberg]

35 is pretty good. And the lights will be flashing. Remind you these kids are 35. We're not going to take it to 15 for them.

[Dick Toledo]

Not as many rolling balls in high school crossing the street.

[John Holmberg]

I guess they should have Learned from the 15 and 25 mile an hour strikes that 35 is gonna hurt a whole lot more. I just always thought it was great that as you got older, the speed limit around you went up. All right, now you're in the 25 mile an hour zone. Don't go dicking around. You survived the 15. It's like donkey Kong. You're on another level. Gonna get a little tougher out there. Arizona's most honorable rock radio station. It's out of control now. 98k youpd Here comes the rest of Homburg's morning sickness. Nighty Akup. I had two things. Two awesome. I'm start going to weddings more. I went to my friend Phil and Belinda's wedding Friday night. I was supposed to have all those shows, but it all cleared out. Wait a minute.

[Dick Toledo]

Take that back.

[John Holmberg]

What's that?

[Dick Toledo]

You're gonna start going to more weddings.

[John Holmberg]

Start going to more weddings. Here's why I am wedding death. Something awesome happens now when I go to weddings. I've wished for it enough that now it's happening at every wedding. Arguments and stuff. No. Well, that was back in May when I actually saw the groom. I didn't go. I didn't intentionally. I wasn't invited. But I was at that wedding and I realized, oh, my God, I brought all my positive karma of hating weddings to these weddings where bad things happen just if I'm near them. So we went to. And it wasn't. The wedding was great, but this awesome thing happened. I was like, right when Phil and Belinda are there and they're married and they look great and they look beautiful. Actually, it was one of those times where you normally look at a bride and you're like, wow, nice dress. What. What in the world were you thinking? And her hair's like something you.

[Dick Toledo]

But this one, you said she cleaned up nice.

[John Holmberg]

Belinda walked by. I'm like, that is the best a bride has ever looked to me because her hair looked normal and good.

[Dick Toledo]

Couldn't see any whiskers.

[John Holmberg]

Like, I could see her going out with that hair on a regular. Like, most wedding hair is this thing. You'd never see this. This Bride of Frankenstein concoction with, like, birds and. And flowers and, like, a small Hyundai. I don't know what they're doing.

[Dick Toledo]

It takes three hours to do.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And it looks like garbage to most people at the end. It's just elaborate. I gu best. Her hair looked great. She looked amazing. And there's Phil and his. You know, he's just Phil. It's a dude. What are you gonna do? So he's standing up there, and everything's good. So they get married and they're like. And I'm. It's a packed house. So me and about 12, 15 other people are standing about 15ft behind the back row. And there's probably, I don't know, maybe 100 people there. So there's a brick walkway from where they get hitched and some planters and some. You know, it's kind of a nice setting. Very pretty. It's the right house in Mesa. Very nice. And then there's, like. I now introduce Phil. And for the first time, Phil and Belinda Avala there are ready to go. Everybody like, hey. And they start doing that walk away from the stage. What do you call that thing?

[Dick Toledo]

The stage walking from the altar.

[John Holmberg]

The altar. There it is. And they're walking. And then the photographers. They have like three or four photographers all around. This older fellas got a big video camera and he's backing up and he's doing all these cool angles. And he's. He's a pro. And how come. And by the way, a side note. Why can't photographers dress better at weddings?

[Dick Toledo]

They got the one. Go to Standard union.

[John Holmberg]

They all look like monochrome Union crew member. Like, this dude had A pink, dirty Izod and, like, just black docker pants that were. I mean, he just looked sloppy. I'm like, you're at a wedding. Can't you just gussy it up? So anyway, so he's. He's the guy working the camera. Because it's got to be tough doing pictures nowadays because everybody's got a damn camera. True. You got it. You got to up it well. And everybody, out of respect, had their cameras away for this moment because they paid top dollar for this. There's no reason for you to be snapping better shots on your iPhone and making them feel like they got ripped off. So I think that's what people just keep their. And out of respect, you don't want your phone out at the wedding. So everybody's standing, dude backing up and everything. And they're. They're doing that slow, weird walk away to kind of be the couple for the first time. And cameraman smashes the planter with a tree and goes ass over teakettle into this grass. And it makes that dull body thud where hear all the air leave his body. Camera goes flying, and he does the Peter Griffin. So Belinda and Phil are just standing there. What do we do now? So they're just, like, stopping. He's on the grass going. And he's rubbing his legs. So what you hear on the video, I'm sure is me and my buddy Chris Harris going, shake it off. Come on, it's game day. Get up. Get up. Shake it off. It's their wedding. It's not about you. Get up. Megan's next to me going, come on, shake it off. And it was like, immediate. All of us were like, get up. You cannot make this about you. He shin boned onto the bricks, which really hurts. But shake it off. Get up. You can't have. So somewhere, this. I gotta see this video of them, you know, majestically walking away from the altar.

[Dick Toledo]

They didn't go live. They didn't put a video together where.

[John Holmberg]

Phil's coming over tonight to watch a football game. And if he doesn't bring that video, I'm gonna punch him square in the nose. I've got to see this. So, I mean, the video is gonna be just of them, this beautiful thing. And then the camera just is thrown for no reason at all. Just through the air. It just gets tossed. Don't you ask for that footage. You have to have it.

[Dick Toledo]

You have to have that as part of it.

[John Holmberg]

But then he's just laying there. So all night long at the reception, he's trying to take pictures. And me and Chris Harris are sitting there going, hey, man, you don't look good. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks for your concern.

[Brady Bogan]

Limping.

[John Holmberg]

Limping, no. But we were just giving him crap because we didn't want him to forget. He'd come over and say, hey, do you want help with that? Because there's no way you're. You're 100. You look terrible. I'm good. Thanks, guys. You took quite a spill. I know, I know.

[Dick Toledo]

Just. Just up his tip.

[John Holmberg]

We just had at him all night. It was great, though. Yeah. So two in a row. Last two weddings I've been near, One invited, one not saw. Groom take a swing at the. The bride's mother back at the botanical gardens, and then this. This. Dude, you got any upcoming? I'm just gonna start crashing them. I'm gonna start hanging out at the right house. Get me at your wedding.

[Dick Toledo]

Was it the reception, a DJ band, or not?

[John Holmberg]

Dj. Dj. Same old stuff. Same chicken dance. But it was nice. You know what? I don't know what you're planning, ladies. I really don't. It was a nice event, but I don't know why this takes months, because I think I can put that together in three days. I really do. I think it's pretty much standard cut. You're the dj. You've got it figured out. You're the photographer. You've got it figured out. Stay on your feet. And this is the venue.

[Dick Toledo]

You had one job.

[John Holmberg]

One job. Just stay upright. And even if you fall, you take some shots on the way down, right? You just. You. Ansel Adams. You're pro. You're a pro. But it was great. That video is gonna be so great. There's a camera laying in grass, and then. Oh, come on. Shake it off. It's game day. Get up. Let's go.

[Dick Toledo]

Was there the audible gasp from the.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah. Well, after you heard all the air leave this guy's body. Wedding coordinator anywhere she. And that's the other thing. They hide. Like the wedding coordinator hides the other camera behind. Oh, they're nowhere near. Was awesome. And I have to say thank you to Terry from AZ Kegs for making it happen, because there was a little alcohol issue. And Terry, again, I can plan this in another. Terry comes through with a couple of glorious kegs, and we're. We're golden. I mean, it was like, hey, Terry, we got an issue with this? I'll be down in 20 minutes. Boom. Az kegs rolls out, and he's. There's Terry. And we're loaded up, so if you ever need anything for. Look, guys. Guys should take over wedding planning. You call Terry, Eric and DJ for you. Get a couple buddies over there, do some food and you're done. Brady can do the pork office. It's done. It's done. You go by address. I'll meet you at 5:30 on Friday. That's pretty much, but I have to.

[Eddie]

What about the settings and the.

[John Holmberg]

What? Plates, Paper. What do you want to go? Paper or glass?

[Eddie]

We gotta have settings at the center. We have to pick a color scheme.

[John Holmberg]

How hard is that? There's like eight colors. Well, I want fuchsia and white decided. Bam. Done. Done.

[Eddie]

I have to get bridesmaids dresses.

[John Holmberg]

I can do that by Friday at 5:30. You should be able to do this. Pink savers. Really? Pink ugly, Dark ugly. You nail it every time with hideous dark and ugly. If it looks brown and orange, if anything to make you look better. Right?

[Brady Bogan]

You're the bride.

[John Holmberg]

Looks like a fat Easter egg. That's your answer. There you go. It looks like something that just kind of blew up and is laying on the side of the road for a few hours. Might be sun bleached there. Put that on your big fat friends and let's go. So yeah, it was, it was a. It was an event. But yeah, I could do that. But yeah, Terry came through so. Az kegs. I had to give them props because knowing Terry is a lifesaver and those moments were. Terry was pretty awesome. So if you have something coming up and you need a quick hitter on that, the dude is like a genie. It's amazing when you call him, it's like. And then. And honestly he's like. Just have your listeners, you know, say that they call Terry. I'll take care of him. Oh wait, it's not just for you, for John Holmberg, for all sorts of people. No, if I call him, he'll show right up. Eric, if you call me like days later, he'll be here in an hour. He's a genie. He's a 24 hour genie. It's weird.

[Brady Bogan]

I need to carry him.

[Dick Toledo]

Jameson, where were you? I'll be there in 15.

[John Holmberg]

Where were you? Buckeye.

[Dick Toledo]

How did you do this? He's the Wolf.

[John Holmberg]

I'm an alcohol genie. I have no idea how you do this. It's amazing. We did it that one time. We had a party at my house. The keg dried out. We're out of everything. And I'm like. And there's like 80 or 90 people there and I called Terry And I'm like, terry, we're dry. There's no way it's 11 o'clock. There's no way you're gonna be there in 20 minutes. Two kegs. He's got the other thing. Comes and cleans my lines in the keg and bails. And I'm like, you're ridiculous. You're an amazing human being.

[Dick Toledo]

Just rub the bottle three times.

[John Holmberg]

Just start rubbing the keg. Can I help you? Oh, my God, he's here. This is weird. Anyway, so thanks to Terry for saving the day on that one too. And whatever that photographer is, I'm sure he's just got the biggest, blackest bruise ever on his leg. It was awesome. Nobody likes going to weddings, but when something like that happens, it just makes it all worthwhile. And they're great people and everything else, and it has nothing to do with the humanity of it and all. It's just weddings are. That's the exact same thing every time. And then the next thing you know, you're standing on the dance floor with an old lady going to the window, to the wall. Say it, grandma. Til the sweat drips down my balls. And then she'll say it at the end. I'm like, I've been to eight of these. This is exactly the same every time. And inevitably, there's someone not dressed in wedding clothes who's like 16, twerking. That happened too. Like the last two or three weddings I've gone to, someone's kid shows up dressed up like they just got out of PE and, you know, turned out the dance floor and. Yeah. Oh, and there was a great moment. My friend Chris has a brother with. He's mentally challenged, so he feels that it's okay for him to make the jokes. And there was a kid there who had. Who was mentally challenged. And he started to dance, and the kid could dance like it was legit. He made me feel really bad.

[Dick Toledo]

He breaking it down.

[John Holmberg]

That was the joke. Chris goes. He is breaking it down. And the whole room's like, aha. Oh, don't laugh loud. Don't laugh loud. Don't internally laugh. Chuckle inside. And then Chris, of course, turns. It's okay because my brother's retarded. Like, okay. It's not okay. I got black one, friend. Yeah, okay, I got one. I got one at home. Neither of those things are okay. Well, my friend has one that was a great. I'm the only one going, I was pissing myself. Harris. Harris is a silent assassin. He looks like an accountant, but he says, horrible Stuff. That's why I got. I got a little cocky back in the day when gangster rap was huge. I was dropping my buddy's black next to me, then he puts me in a chokehold all of a sudden. You better stop saying that. All right, Stop it. What? Pow. Did he grab your throat and go, all right, stop. And he went. Collaborate and listening. It's out of control now. 98K, you PD. There's more of the best of homework's morning sickness. 98Kupd.

[Brady Bogan]

This segment is brought to you guys by Action Ride Shop. Now, if you're thinking about heading up north to hit the slopes for some skiing, some boarding, or if you're just gonna stay down here in the valley and do some mountain biking, Action Ride Shop is your place to be. They got all the gear and all the knowledge you're gonna need, so check them out [e-mail] or better yet, just go visit them over there on Gilbert Road and Southern. It's Action Ride Shop.

[Eddie]

Hi, my name is Hunt. My name is.

[John Holmberg]

What? Look, it's Ja.

[Eddie]

Ja. Ja. Ja Jesus. Hi, my name is.

[John Holmberg]

What?

[Eddie]

I'm really hungry. I want some bubba bubba bacon. My name is Chicky chicky chicky chicky Jesus.

[John Holmberg]

Well, this guy wrote lyrics. It's the remix. I'm not even gonna try to rap it, but it's a brain. Come on.

[Eddie]

Hi, kids. Do you like prime rib? Do you want to see me stick a nine inch roll under each one of my eyelids? Hey, do you want to follow me and eat everything that I did? Drink cheese, get covered and smothered just like my life is? John thinks I'm dead weight. I'm trying to get my job straight but I can't figure out which buttons I should operate.

[John Holmberg]

Dr. Ann said.

[Eddie]

Hey, Brady, you're a fathead. Nuh. That's why your face is red. The ketchup's wasted. Well, since age 12. Cause my parents left the original self with a Santa and the elves got pissed off. Ripped Brenneman's press pass off snuck into box, called John to make him cross. I ate a pound of Spam and ran to the can faster than a rat from a guy from boat a ran. Yum. Let's munch. Hey, Brady. Wait a minute. That's my lunch, you hog. I don't give a damn. God send me here to piss the world off. Hi, my name is.

[John Holmberg]

Who?

[Eddie]

Chicky chicky chicky chicky Jesus. Hi there. My name is. Huh?

[John Holmberg]

My name is. What?

[Eddie]

I'm the Sislim savior. Hi, My name is. My name is Juan. I'm really hungry. Let's eat bacon. Hi, my name is Brady. I'm kinda chubby or I'm gonna eat Haagen Dazs. My friends and preacher want me to stop eating pie. Thanks a lot, guys. Without sweets, you know I'm gonna die. I stashed one in the men's room of the station, chased it with some pastries, Wiped my face off with all the toilet papers. Went to a health club and tried to get a back rub. I got smacked by the trainer and chased out of the hot tub. Extraterrestrial 1 with Tom Brennaman. My dates keep telling me, let's just be friends. 99% of my life I've been lied to. My mom eats more foods than I do.

[Dick Toledo]

Damn.

[Eddie]

I told her I grew up to be tall, thin and dapper. Instead I'm short and fat, always in the crapper. You know I've been blown off. When the seam inside your pants ruptures when you stand.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know what that means.

[Brady Bogan]

Like hole in the Hoover dam.

[Eddie]

The guy at Filiberto has asked for my autograph, so I signed it. Dear Jesus, where the hell am I? Kansas. Hi, my name is. My name is chicky chicky chicky chicky. Jesus, my name is.

[John Holmberg]

Huh?

[Eddie]

My name is.

[John Holmberg]

What?

[Eddie]

I'm the slim, slim Savior. Hi, my name's Brady, Last name's Bogan. Hey, anybody got a hoagie? My name's Brady, last name's Bogan. I love cheeky jiggy Jesus. Hey, y'all, stop the tape. My Friggs needs to be locked away. Hey, Danny Craig. Don't just stand and reduce my weight. I'm always ready to eat. It's too scary to diet. I'll have to be carried inside the fat camp and buried alive. Are my hardened or arteries hardening? I can barely decide. I just drank a fifth of butter. Dammit.

[John Holmberg]

It's right.

[Eddie]

My sex life is very deprived. I ain't had a woman in years, so a hot pocket will do just fine. For my incredible bulk. I spend food when I talk. I eat anything that's poor. When I was little, I used to get hungry so I'd throw fits. When we gonna eat again, mom? It's been 10 minutes. I lay awake alone in my bed. I just turn the light on. I think it's Jesus. Cause I'm dead. I'm a bumbling spaz. And by the way, if John gets mad, tell him me and Jesus went away with creepy and evangel cheeky. Jiggy, jiggy, jiggy.

[Brady Bogan]

Jesus.

[John Holmberg]

I think you get the idea. That's brilliant stuff.

[Dick Toledo]

Well.

[John Holmberg]

It'S out of control now. 98 KUPD, the best of the morning sickness is on the air. 98 KUPD, do any of you people do any actual work? The rest of H's morning sickness. Well, just to get back to it real quick, because Brett's girl Medea text over and said, you guys are idiots. You wouldn't recognize me without makeup on. What'd you say?

[Brady Bogan]

I said I'd recognize that ass.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. Turn around. I'll know you're my Cinderella girl. Cinderella is the new perspective, is as a man, we don't acknowledge your existence until you look good. That's the message. That's true. I never. And I saw it live. I snored through a good portion of. The best part about seeing Cinderella at the Phoenix Theater was the people in front of us. There was a guy who was a veteran of a Afghanistan or Iraq, I don't know. He had that. He was a younger guy, but he had his hat on him. Like, the second the play started. His wife clearly made him do this the second the thing started. He's nestled up into his chest, out like a light, gone through all the singing and screeching and all the. Out like a light. And I giggled and laughed the whole time. And that intermission happened. Like, lights comes on, his head bobs. Up he goes. He gets a drink. He comes back down, sits down, he's asleep again. But, yeah, Cinderella, it was. It's the stupidest story I've. I don't remember it being that dumb. And Prince Charming is an idiot. He's got this shoe, see, and he's trying to find that special lady he just got done making out with. And then girls who clearly aren't her, he still tries to put the shoe on. Nope, not you. Well, no, it's not her. She's black. That's a black actress playing that. She's not the one you were making out with five minutes ago. You can start to. Through the process of elimination, just kind of wean out that one. That one's seven feet tall.

[Brady Bogan]

She only wears Jordans, not a glass slipper.

[John Holmberg]

So this a size 6. Glass Jordans would be pretty awesome. The size 6 and a half here is what we're looking for. If you've got anything bigger than that, just get out of line. You're wasting my time. But nope, the stepsisters go up with their red hair and their blonde hair, and he's like, I don't know, it could be her. How dumb is this guy? But again, the message sent was, ladies, unless you're in a ball gown and totally dolled up for us, we're gonna pretend like we don't know you so you can walk around in that hobo moo moo at home and act like we know. Sorry. I'm gonna call the police. Ma'am, you shouldn't be here. My wife is a beautiful woman in a ball gown with a tiara on all the time. Otherwise, you're a stranger. Cinderella. That's a great answer to that.

[Eddie]

You wouldn't recognize me without makeup, Brett.

[John Holmberg]

I recognize that fat ass. All right, you turn around, make sure you're mine. Yeah, that's you. Go put some makeup on. You look like a hobo.

[Eddie]

You're a dick.

[John Holmberg]

Huh? I like to watch you walk away when you look like this. Is that my T shirt? And are those pants? Or did you make those out of dirt and clay?

[Eddie]

I'm not always gonna be dressed up.

[John Holmberg]

I'm sorry. I'm calling the police. I don't know who this woman is. Please, please. Yes, there's a strange woman in my house dressed as a hobo.

[Dick Toledo]

We gotta break in.

[Eddie]

I am his wife.

[John Holmberg]

I think she's demented. She's crazy. I would never marry something that looks like that.

[Brady Bogan]

Would you?

[John Holmberg]

Here's a picture. Here's a picture of my wife. My God, she's beautiful. Is it a tiara in a ball gown? Yeah, that's how she always looks.

[Brady Bogan]

Who's this?

[John Holmberg]

I don't know. I don't know who the hell that is. You gotta get her out of here. I'm pressing charge charges. Now, if she's willing to put a tear in a ball gown home, maybe it is her, but she's in some sort of weird hobo disguise right now. She's screaming at me. Sure.

[Dick Toledo]

Like you're at people's houses and I can't go through. And they have the wedding picture up there, and you look at them.

[John Holmberg]

Well, you look at her now, it's like, woof, man.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, that was her.

[John Holmberg]

Who ate your wife? The lady that. The lady that ate your wife. She had to stay, I guess, like it was part. Part of the deal. After eating your wife, she lost a bet. Said, if I can eat your wife, can I live here? Because that's what happened. Yeah. Some giant woman ate my wife. Now she's my new wife. There's similarity in the eyes. Yeah, yeah. After she ate my wife, she kind of took on some of her features. She's over £150 bigger than this picture. Yep. That beast over there just devoured her. And it's no different for the guy. Sometimes you look at a guy in a picture. Picture in the wedding. My gosh. You had hope. You were a strapping young man. Look at you now.

[Dick Toledo]

Played quarterback.

[Mike Tyson]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And that's what he's still talking about. You know. It's over. That's quarterback at high school. And then this big fat guy ate that quarterback. Yeah. It's pretty much what happened. He took over this big fat body. I like this new Cinderella rule. We should implement this because they're still running it at that Phoenix theater. If you want to go see it. The actors are good. Everything. It's very gay though. Although like a lot of the guys, you're not buying the fact that they're into Cinderella. It's like, no, that guy doesn't. He likes. He likes Prince Charming. He wants to try that shoe on.

[Brady Bogan]

Twinking around a little too much.

[John Holmberg]

He's doing. He did the twirls like naturally.

[Dick Toledo]

Let's find you a match.

[John Holmberg]

He didn't have to rehearse the dance too long. He's been doing that his whole life. Prince Charming. It's just time to find a special lady like I've got. Let's get Prince Charming something more than a beard here.

[Dick Toledo]

Another family alliance.

[John Holmberg]

We don't talk about it. Anyway. Cinderella. A whole new perspective on Cinderella. Ladies. I'm doing it. Come home today and swing that door open. Ah. Get out of my house. Intruder. Intruder. She has to run to the basket, put her face on real quick. That's why June Cleaver was so awesome. And my 92.

[Dick Toledo]

There are.

[John Holmberg]

Look.

[Dick Toledo]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

My 92 year old lady Paula says a woman my age should never ever be seen without her face on. Always. And I swear to God, this woman looks fantastic. Every time I see her, she is done. She gets up first thing in the morning, does her hair like that's. That's a lost art for ladies. Like that doesn't happen at your house or my house or your house. They don't pop up and go, I gotta get ready for the day. And you give them that hour instead.

[Eddie]

What time are we leaving?

[John Holmberg]

Five.

[Eddie]

All right.

[John Holmberg]

Like 3:30. Then everything goes to hell and you're in some sort of rush. If they were like their grandmothers, they'd get up in the morning and be ready for the day. I have Cinderella style. Great stuff.

[Dick Toledo]

But at the same time. And one friend that it was an intruder. I had no idea that was her. Yeah, that's how much face makeup was applied.

[John Holmberg]

All right, well, never. I mean, never be seen without it, then that's it. If that's how you present yourself, then that's it. I don't want to see you without it. Cinderella. That's the Cinderella syndrome. You're not done up, you're going to jail. I don't know who you are. Women love those things. Cinderella is like a. Women drag men to go see the play. I was there. I witnessed it. That's their party. They love that story because they see it as Prince Charming sweeping them off their feet. What they don't see was if another girl fit into that shoe, she won. He didn't care who it was. He just wanted some ass. All right, shoe fits. Let's go. That's not her shoes fitting. It's her.

[Brady Bogan]

Close enough.

[John Holmberg]

There's a lot of size sevens in the world, sister. You're not the only one. Oh, just depending on where you are in life. I like it. Yeah, because no matter who the shoe, he didn't care about your personality. He just wanted the girl who fit in the shoe.

[Dick Toledo]

Quite a.

[Brady Bogan]

Can you imagine if it was like Brittney Griner's shoe or something?

[John Holmberg]

She gets a big ass feet. Oh, no. How you doing, player? I think that's my shoe. Oh, sweet Jesus. I hope. Ah, it doesn't fit. Yes, it does.

[Dick Toledo]

Wiggle it, Wiggler.

[John Holmberg]

I'm like, I don't want to wiggle it. It'll go on. Wiggle it, Prince Charming, you're my man.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, forever. At least they condensed it down because in Cinderella there would be that situation where, like, we don't even have to try.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, well, no, of course. But that's. That's how stupid the Prince Charming was. He looked at girls. That and he still tried to put it on her big ass foot. Like you can do the eye test. He was an idiot. Prince Charming had no idea who. He's like Alzheimer's. I don't know who I was making out with, but I found her shoe. So there's no way you could convince me through voice recognition or something. You said like she could have come up and said, hey, we shared a moment last night. Remember that thing I told you and then you kissed me?

[Dick Toledo]

I was one dance.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I was in the yellow dress. I told you this, you told me that. Oh, that is her. No, the shoe was the only way to determine that. Cuz he's an idiot.

[Dick Toledo]

But you're looking Me in the eyes.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know. I remember like you think I remember what you said. I was trying to get laid. Is this your shoe or not? Hello, world. Hi.

[Dick Toledo]

Happy National Spaghetti.

[John Holmberg]

Hey, there you go. A little ragu tonight. Pull it right out of that box. Put it in the hot water.

[Dick Toledo]

Ragu, Prego. What are you doing?

[John Holmberg]

If you had to pick one out of a jar.

[Brady Bogan]

If I had to.

[John Holmberg]

What's a good one?

[Brady Bogan]

Probably the rouse.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, Rouse is good. Brady's nodding and acting. Of course you have.

[Dick Toledo]

That's a good bottle of gravy.

[Brady Bogan]

You're gonna do it.

[John Holmberg]

You wouldn't know in four bowls in front of you which one was rouse and which one wasn't.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

No, you'd just be four empty bowls. One you liked a little more than the other.

[Brady Bogan]

He'd get to the bottom of this.

[John Holmberg]

Every bowl, everybody would be licked clean.

[Dick Toledo]

That's a good bottle.

[John Holmberg]

That second one wasn't as good as the third. They're all the same. Just be four empty bowls, one you liked a little more than the other.

[Brady Bogan]

He'd get to the bottom of this.

[John Holmberg]

Every bowl. Every bowl would be licked clean.

[Dick Toledo]

That's a good bottle.

[John Holmberg]

That second one wasn't as good as the third. They're all the same. You nodding away? I'll take it from over here. From actually had mama's gravy. Rouse is the closest thing I would say. So you take the pasta out of the box, you pour the rouse on.

[Brady Bogan]

No, you make the pasta first.

[John Holmberg]

You pour it into the hot water, half of it sticking out, and you spin it a little bit and then the other, and you just take it out. Whenever he's got a process and then. And then. What is it? Just salt, little pepper and you're done.

[Brady Bogan]

What's what?

[John Holmberg]

Just. That's it. The noodles. Salt. Salt. Some noodles you can pour on the prego.

[Brady Bogan]

And some olive oil, some. Some garlic.

[John Holmberg]

That's ridiculous. That's in the sauce.

[Dick Toledo]

You doing. You're offending.

[John Holmberg]

I'm trying to get him to admit it. He's had it. You've poured the. The sticks into the hot water.

[Brady Bogan]

What? Out of a box. Oh, yeah. Everybody has.

[John Holmberg]

Of course.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, I admit that.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, Pure.

[Brady Bogan]

Do I do it regularly?

[John Holmberg]

No, no. Nobody does it regularly. I used to love that.

[Dick Toledo]

Is there certain that you'll buy on the spaghetti?

[Brady Bogan]

What is it? That. The Barelli. That's all right.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I don't care. It all tastes the same. You don't go to the Falcos and get the stuff. That's actually out of the box.

[Brady Bogan]

Nah, I'll just make it myself.

[John Holmberg]

It all tastes the same to me. And I have a theory. I have a theory that most Italians couldn't tell mama's gravy from the rouse or the prego. You're gonna have to do that. We have to eventually have to do.

[Dick Toledo]

The Pepsi challenge with.

[John Holmberg]

With the sauce. I think if you couldn't hear me going, I could open up one of those Chef Boyardees and mix it up. You'd be like, it's not as good as this, but, you know. Come on. You know that. I know Chef Boyardee because that just tastes like watery kind of.

[Dick Toledo]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

I'd eat it, though.

[Dick Toledo]

Would you?

[John Holmberg]

I don't care. I'm. Oh, no. Not like, if I was starving, that wouldn't be something I'd turn away. If I was starving and it was just coconut, I'd starve to death. If it was just nothing but Chef Boyardee, I'd choke that down. It's not so bad. You ever eat a Stouffer's lasagna?

[Brady Bogan]

Sure I did when I was a kid or something. I like those French bread pizzas.

[John Holmberg]

Those things just say his Italian thing.

[Dick Toledo]

But you could tell a Stouffer's list lasagna. So if you.

[Brady Bogan]

So if you pulled out. If you go to cereal and had the lasagna back when that was still there and pull out the Stouffers, you couldn't tell.

[John Holmberg]

You're talking about cereal.

[Brady Bogan]

Exactly.

[John Holmberg]

Cereal is different because I'm not spending 300 on a plate of mama's gravy, but cereal let me know. This is special. Well, that's, like, the next day, just text him. The next morning, I'm like, my. My feces that just came out of me smells as good as it went in. It smelled like, my God, Cereal comes out, and it makes your poop smell like Italian food. Not. There was no bile or human waste. Nope. You put that on a plate ready to go again, and just put a blind man in there and said, here's some lasagna. He'd be like, oh, that smells so good. It was amazing. So, yeah, cereal, Come on. That's not a fair comparison, but 90% of people eating prego and box noodles, you're not going to know. I could tell you mama made it, and you'd be like, oh, not bad. This guy says, Brett knows what's up. Rouse is the best if you're in a pinch. Also, every real Italian can tell the difference between any sauce instantly. This is where I think you Italians get into trouble. The word instantly always gets the tossed in there. There's a noticeable difference in the jarred BS and the real effing guinea stuff. Signed Taylor. I don't. I think you guys just overshoot your mark. Taylor. Shouldn't that come from like an Antonio or something? Nobody named Taylor.

[Brady Bogan]

That's short for Antonio.

[John Holmberg]

Taylor's not.

[Dick Toledo]

That's a relocation name.

[John Holmberg]

That's true. That could be true. By the way, I'm Taylor Johansen and I've had it with you. Not non stop talk about ragu. I just think you Italians get mouthy real fast.

[Brady Bogan]

His real name's Vinnie Passini or something. He's from the Bronx.

[John Holmberg]

That's it. I'm firing off.

[Brady Bogan]

I go by Taylor now.

[John Holmberg]

How you doing? My name's Taylor. That's it. My son Braden and my daughter Hannah. Now I go by Taylor. Yeah. Come on.

[Dick Toledo]

A couple of baseless fun facts. At depths of 1,000ft, water pressure can reach about 440 pounds per square inch. Pressure like that would crumple most human lungs immediately upon exposure.

[John Holmberg]

How deep you're crushed.

[Dick Toledo]

1,000.

[John Holmberg]

1,000Ft. I know. I was talking to a friend of mine who scuba dives the other night and he went into a place called the Blue Hole. I think it was in Belize. Showed me pictures. It's unbelievable. And he said he dove. And he told me the distance with the depths and all. The most I've ever done is about 30ft. Because in Australia you. You don't have to be certified at all. At least the thing I did. They just strapped scuba gear on me and gave me a quick walk through. And the next thing you know, I'm swimming. And I was good at it. I didn't know I was going to be good at it. And I'm with the diver and he's going down 30, 35ft. And you can feel the weight of the water. It was weird. And I'm like, like, kind of like, that's enough. And he just gave me the okay sign, the word good. And then he left. And I just. You could just feel this is as far down as I need to go. Go. And then, you know, you get to 100ft. I can't imagine. You got to get used to that. That will. You feel the weight of the water. It's a very strange kind of sensation the first few times you go under.

[Dick Toledo]

I did the same thing in Hawaii. You could go with a Patty instructor. Yeah, Same thing on the boat. They run you through a little Flip chart of.

[John Holmberg]

Here's your respirator signal.

[Dick Toledo]

And I'm with our buddy Jim Wilson.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's who I'm.

[Dick Toledo]

And the girl that was instructing us. Japanese girl. She's very pretty, but she broke in English. Flip doing the flip chart. And I could follow along. And Jim, that's the first time he said, I can't stand Asian people.

[John Holmberg]

He's an Asian man.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Racist against his own. Yeah, that diving thing is weird. Australia. I told him. Do I need to sign anything? What for, mate? I don't know. Any, like, liability thing. You're doing this of your own free will, correct? Okay. Who you gonna sue, mate? Yourself, stupid. I guess you have a great point. In America, we would blame you if I dove in here by myself and killed myself. Yeah, they would be dumb. You're putting the suit on. I'm not forcing you to do this. It's true.

[Dick Toledo]

Denny's isn't named after anyone. It started as a donut shop called Danny's Donuts in Lakewood, California. The founders picked Danny because he's. It started with a D and they like donuts. They eventually changed it to Denny's because people were confusing it with the chain called Coffee Dan's.

[John Holmberg]

No.

[Brady Bogan]

Where is Coffee Dan's now?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, Coffee Dan's is no longer there now. It's a twink festival over there on Camelback and 7th street at the Gay Denny's. Named after no one, but definitely named after something. Danny, wanna go to Denny's? Yes. How much just toilet out ass is going on in that bathroom at the Gay Denny?

[Dick Toledo]

They redesigned it.

[John Holmberg]

It's just got to be Glory hole. It's got to be. It looks like a whack a mole wall. It's just dorks flying in at you when you're trying to pee.

[Brady Bogan]

Like the guy you used to work with. With a yellow hand or something.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, John Yellow put the glove on.

[Brady Bogan]

Can you imagine not doing that at the Gay Denny's? Having to do the bathroom stuff.

[John Holmberg]

You have to put that glove up to his shoulder and clean out those boxes in the ladies room. But the Gay Denny's is a different beast.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, they changed up the diaper changing stance. It's a full twin bed. Just falls down.

[John Holmberg]

Yellow Hand, the Murphy bed is coated in feces. And the rubber bucket is full. Poor Yellow Hand had to go in there. That big yellow glove. And as long as the sun shall rise in the east, Yellow Hand shall clear out the tampon box on Monday.

[Dick Toledo]

And a new survey from Quest Diagnostics.

[John Holmberg]

Love that Guy, I want Bill. If you. If anybody knows where Bill Osborne is, He's probably about 76 years old now. Please, by all means, put him in touch with me. I want to. I want to be there for his last words, because they're going to be amazing. He was 50 when you went. I thought he was. No, no, no. He was. This was 1987 when I met him, and he was 35, so we're talking nearly 40 years ago. He's got to be in his early 70s.

[Brady Bogan]

We got to find him. We need a PI just to see.

[John Holmberg]

What he grew into, because he was Gene Wilder. With Jack Nicholson's attitude and voice, it was an amazing combination. And, boy, that poor John Rodriguez would come in there. There's our Native American friend. He's Mexican. I know, but he's so red. How. Yellow Hand. Shut up, Bill. Don't tell your management to shut up. I'm not Custer. Anyway, Yellow Hand. As the beasts of the tundra wander through, the silver box fills with menstruation pads.

[Dick Toledo]

Philadelphia is so desperate for lifeguards. It's coming swim season. They're offering people, you can become a lifeguard. You don't even have to know how to swim.

[John Holmberg]

Just point it out.

[Dick Toledo]

They'll teach you to swim before you take the chair.

[John Holmberg]

You'd hope so.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. So you got about a couple of months of swimming lessons. So throw in because of the pandemic, and then it opened back up, and then 20, 21 more people started swimming.

[John Holmberg]

I'll tell you, this shortage of lifeguards, you're gonna have a hard time getting lifeguards if one of the things you have to do is teach them to swim. Because if adults haven't taken the time to learn to swim, they're not gonna be real gung ho about learning it for a job. So it's not really tapping into this.

[Dick Toledo]

Like, you know what? It's about time I learned to swim.

[John Holmberg]

I really want to be a lifeguard, but I never took the time to learn to swim. They're not exactly signing up for the lifeguard position. If they can't swim, they're not interested in water.

[Dick Toledo]

We'll see how that works out.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, they're in the water. They're employable. Yeah, I stay out of that water. Philly water, forget it. They flex. Have you seen the new Flex Seal guy? He does that fake house, and he flex seals all the gaps in the windows and does it on the door. Flex Seal tape and water can't get in. And then he's standing in the house. Somehow or another they open a dam and now the house is like under five feet of water. No, I'm standing inside. Not a drop of water. I'm like how are you gonna get out of there? You're sealed in and somehow the magically this computer roof lifts off and he's in the middle. Go look.

[Dick Toledo]

Not a drop of water.

[John Holmberg]

It's been a horrible flood in your area, sir. There's fish in the window. No joke. And that's how they convince you that flex seal can. It can turn your house into. You know, if deliverance happens in your neighborhood, you'll be fine.

[Dick Toledo]

All the alien drool in the movie Aliens. It's KY jelly.

[John Holmberg]

Ew.

[Dick Toledo]

Expensive.

[John Holmberg]

Sure, they got a deal happen to you, Ronnie?

[Eddie]

I'd love to have sex with your dryness, but it's a little pricey to put the old juice.

[Dick Toledo]

They got a deal because they put the KY logo up in the spaceship.

[Eddie]

So I'm gonna do something that Brett taught me.

[John Holmberg]

I'm not spending money on KY jelly.

[Dick Toledo]

No, I'm saying they buy it in bulk. Brady, they're not buying like a bunch of 30. That'd be great for product placement.

[John Holmberg]

Budget of Aliens was based on their ky. It's killing us. We're way over sigourning. Can you take your 5 million for the movie down to 4.6? We gotta buy more KY Jelly. Hey, Ridley pushing our budget.

[Eddie]

KY Jelly $79. I'll do it the old fashioned way.

[Dick Toledo]

The original design for the Space Needle in Seattle looked like a big balloon floating up from the ground. Eventually it evolved into the final design. The balloon became a flying saucer.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it's neat.

[Dick Toledo]

It's bad etiquette to eat a hot dog. And more than five bites. At least according to the National Hot Dog and Sausage Council.

[John Holmberg]

What kind of hoity toity party are you at that's serving hot dogs anyway?

[Dick Toledo]

Unless it's a foot long too to worry about. Seven bites is acceptable.

[John Holmberg]

You don't want to get the hot dog juice.

[Brady Bogan]

Enjoying your Hebrew national dog?

[John Holmberg]

That's Brady's new nickname. Hebrew National All Beef Kosher Jellies. Expensive. He's actually that just. You know that if the backstory on that is. Well, I better go get some of that.

[Eddie]

Well, looks like we're gonna stay dry for a little while. There's a drought at my house because I'm not spending money on that. I didn't realize the price was so high.

[Dick Toledo]

Any way we can film the alien without to drool?

[John Holmberg]

Because just from that One sentence. I know you shopped it. It was too much and you didn't buy it. That's too much. I better go grab some of that.

[Dick Toledo]

Unless I can get a 10 for 10.

[John Holmberg]

It's so expensive.

[Brady Bogan]

Grab some Crisco out of the cabinet.

[John Holmberg]

And then you're a crazy person at Costco with a 10 pack of KY. Like, Jesus, what do you got, a mummy at home? How much do you need?

[Dick Toledo]

One tube should get you through making another alien.

[John Holmberg]

A lot going on at home. You have no idea.

[Eddie]

Stuff's pricey. I buy it in bulk and make a slip and slide with my daughter.

[John Holmberg]

I don't want to know the rest of that.

[Dick Toledo]

Said, there's a section in Reddit called Ask women, and someone asked them to name the weirdest place they made guys ever taken them on a date in the butt.

[John Holmberg]

Bob. Weirdest date.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. Some of the highlights were two weeks into dating, a guy took his. Took a girl to his grandfather's funeral, introduced her as his special friend.

[John Holmberg]

That's ballsy.

[Dick Toledo]

A couple of them like those, you.

[John Holmberg]

Know, there's a date to a funeral.

[Dick Toledo]

A guy drove a woman to a Taco Bell parking lot, and they watched the animated movie Sausage Party on his phone.

[John Holmberg]

Awesome.

[Dick Toledo]

And then he tried to kiss her during the sex scene where the hot dogs get it on with the bun.

[John Holmberg]

Hilarious. That guy's got a great sense of humor. And she was in on it up until the. Then she didn't want to kiss him because he had a mouthful of chorizo or whatever they serve.

[Dick Toledo]

Guy picked up a woman for dinner. She chose the restaurant. Then he drove the wrong direction for about 30 minutes before she said anything. Turned out he didn't know where he was going, but he was too proud to admit he was lost.

[John Holmberg]

I think. I don't know. I really went on dates, so I don't know what a date is as far as, like, weird or otherwise. I've never dated. You dated Megan? Yes. That was the only one that wasn't. But it wasn't a setup when you met her either, was it? No. Thought you were going out with her friend? Yeah, that was like, the first time I ever actually went on a date was with her. Yeah. Otherwise it was just kind of hanging around until we started doing it. But we never went like, would you like to go to dinner with me and enjoy time? No, usually it's just like we're at a party line is that girl again. And then go over and start talking to her and stuff. And the next thing you know, you're making out like there was no dating. I've never dated anyone. Not a date. I've never asked anyone on a date until her.

[Dick Toledo]

A woman was expecting to go to lunch.

[John Holmberg]

And you never did the online thing. So you're at home. Good God, no, man. Yeah. Thank your lucky stars on that one. Yeah, No, I don't. I've never, never had, like, I'll meet you at a thing and I'll have a nice dinner. Oh, yeah, you've done it. It's a nightmare. Well, it's good for one. I don't even know if I'd ever. I don't know if I'd be capable of asking somebody. It's great for getting laid, but so is that plan I had was just hanging around until you wear someone. You wear someone down. You're gonna go out in a bar and just wear a girl down.

[Eddie]

All right, if I do this, will you stop talking to me?

[John Holmberg]

Probably.

[Brady Bogan]

You and Brian Adams girl.

[John Holmberg]

Didn't.

[Brady Bogan]

Didn't.

[John Holmberg]

Never dated. We worked together. And then I was at a house. I was at her house at a house party, and I had made it clear that I'm like, if it's a go, it's a go with you. Like, I'm in. And we played. We were. Everybody kind of left, and she asked me to stick around. And she's like, you want to do something? I'm like, yeah, I want to do something. And she's like, you want to play strip podcast poker? I'm like, that sounds fun. And we played, and she was half naked sitting in the chair with me. And I was worried because the rumor was she used to toss salad with her old boyfriend, and I wasn't sure about my back door. She wasn't the one that put your legs up over your. She ended up doing. That was before I had started my cleanliness program. So I was like, well, if I get naked with her, she might going to want to eat that. And I don't know if I feel real confident about it. So I made out with her, and then I went to the bathroom. Let make sure this. I'm like, I'm not confident. I don't like to.

[Brady Bogan]

I have to take a shower real quick.

[John Holmberg]

I would have had to shower up, and that would have been telling that I'm coming back in for the square Top Gun on her. So I take a shower real quick. We made out for a little bit. It got weird. And then I left. And then the next time, I hosed her. But I never, like, took her to Applebee's first.

[Mike Tyson]

In fact.

[John Holmberg]

That's not a date. No, that was just a girl acting like a whore and a dude, like, put that on pause. I'll be back tomorrow.

[Dick Toledo]

This woman was expecting to go to lunch. Instead, the guy took her to a gun range with three of his buddies.

[John Holmberg]

That's a pretty good one.

[Dick Toledo]

Another guy suggested going to Dave and Busker's for the first date, which is fine, except his date said she'd rather do something else. He agreed, picked her up, and then took her to Dave and Buster.

[John Holmberg]

We're doing what I said, lady.

[Brady Bogan]

Guarantee you had a gift card from Christmas or something left over.

[John Holmberg]

That's not a weird place to take someone that's just a dick. Yeah, yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

And a couple of these are like. Well, I don't think they, you know, they committed to this date. They don't want to be on dating.

[John Holmberg]

Coffee dates, no interest.

[Brady Bogan]

You gotta have the booze involved.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, you just get them drunkard. They're not interested immediately. I'm not. I'm not gonna sit. It's attic control now. 98. The best of homework's morning sickness on 98. KUPD. Did you see the dude at. You probably have it in the story. The Dunkin Donuts toilet exploded. This is. This is why I don't go in public restrooms. This is why I like how they talk to the.

[Dick Toledo]

One of the employees over there.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Had been happening for a while.

[John Holmberg]

Had been gurgling. It was kind of like a. A volcano.

[Dick Toledo]

Had a couple of people that already happened to.

[John Holmberg]

They had some seismic activity that they're like, there's something. Right. But they never called, you know, precision plumbing and got Eric Bryant's gang over there to do some work and fix the toilets. But the toilet exploded. Exploded. It didn't just bubble up. It exploded to the point where the man has injuries.

[Dick Toledo]

Severely injured.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

I don't know if it's a. Well, mental trauma. That too, came out of the toilet, out of the bathroom, back into the main. You know, where the counter.

[John Holmberg]

Covered in feek and urine and tempies or whatever else.

[Dick Toledo]

Whatever else. Came up. Vesuvius.

[John Holmberg]

It's bad. So, yeah, he went in there. His name is Kerouac. Not like the beat poet Jack Kerouac, but it's the same name. And the staff actually told him, which is even worse. When you're covered in blown up Dunkin Donuts toilet. And you come out and go, hey, what? Get. And the staff's like, yeah, that's been going on for a while. Like, oh, you sons of bitches. He's only suing for 50 grand. I'd own all the Duncan's. I would make sure I had. I would make sure I had the best lawyers in the world. And I'd own all the Duncans. If a toilet under me explodes in a public restroom. That's the end of that place. It is now. Homeburg Dunkin Donuts.

[Dick Toledo]

Sorry for that sir. You want some chocolate munchkins?

[John Holmberg]

You get one. Three dozen. Now go wipe yourself off. I'm not going back. In the bathroom the toilet exploded. I didn't even know that was a thing.

[Dick Toledo]

I'm. I'm picturing. Is it one of those high pressure ones?

[John Holmberg]

What does that mean? You know when you press. I don't know. It's high pressure coming back. I'll tell you that. But again if you're a donut and why are you spending so much time at Dunkin Donuts that you're actually sitting down?

[Dick Toledo]

Maybe he's a CTP guy.

[John Holmberg]

I don't see sit to pee. Guys already have a thing where we're not doing that in public. You stand to pee in someone's at home. I sit to pee. You don't sit to pe. I sit to pee here. Cuz it's my own private throne. But.

[Dick Toledo]

Just tired him. He was a regular and that was his spot. That's every morning at 7.

[John Holmberg]

Hey.

[Brady Bogan]

The old morning show from KSLX used to do that just at Duncan. Peel the paint off the walls here at the building.

[John Holmberg]

I don't understand. Poof.

[Dick Toledo]

7:15 on the reg.

[Brady Bogan]

Man. Your eyes would water walking down hall.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. And their diets. I don't know what was going into them.

[Brady Bogan]

Something's dying inside there.

[John Holmberg]

Don't go to the Dunk. Don't do that to the Duncan. The Duncan and I'm Larry David had that when he started his coffee shop. That was a no defecation zone. He started just urinals and people would come in and go where's the toilet? Like next door. You don't do that here. You don't. There's no defecating. You're not in the shop long enough. You shouldn't be spending that much time in a Dunkin. Don't. Where you're thinking. You know I should probably take a. Here at Dunkin. Go home for a few minutes. You're sick. Something's wrong. You're physically not well. If you can't control your time in a Dunkin without having a deuce and I'll get the emails. What about an emergency that's proof you're sick. Healthy people don't have fecal emergencies. Something's not right with you. Stay home that day. You just had to go. Well, then go home. Clinch up until you can get home. I wasn't anywhere near my house and the emergency happened. Well, sorry. Duncan shouldn't be the one that pays for that.

[Dick Toledo]

That's why back in the day they still have it. The gas stations have either a five pound weight or a mallet. You have to do the walk of shame going to the bathroom or the.

[Brady Bogan]

Big hubcap back in the day.

[John Holmberg]

Because they know.

[Dick Toledo]

We know what you're gonna do.

[John Holmberg]

We know what you're gonna do if you're willing to carry the wheel. Otherwise a decent man would say, I'm not carrying that wheel. I know what that I'm gonna pee on the side of the gas station when nobody's looking. We're men. The only reason to go get that wheel and the key from a gas station is because you've got something going on. My dad was one of those guys. I think he took dumps everywhere. He went restaurants.

[Brady Bogan]

But he was in construction. He had to be used to that.

[John Holmberg]

Trailer back in the day.

[Dick Toledo]

But think about that when he's still swinging a hammer. It was because about your dad, Brett. Because you had. You didn't have any options.

[Brady Bogan]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

You're on the road.

[Brady Bogan]

Get out of the truck and drop.

[John Holmberg]

A deuce, this guy said. Did Brady just slyly admit to being a toilet connoisseur? He knows the difference between high pressure. But maybe it's time for Brady to hike rim to rim and relieve Kirby's misery. Yeah, that's true. You know too much about toilets. I don't know anything. I just know which those Japanese ones are the good ones. And all the rest are kind of the same. I didn't know about blowing up, so I never heard of that. What are the signs? They'd have to gurgle, right? It was. Would warn you toilets just don't spontaneously explode. Yeah, it would have to let you know because of that story. I saw the article that said other freak accidents with toilets in the past. One dude who was on death row but went to go poop on one of those tin toilets in his cell and somehow had gotten electrified and slow burned him right there while he took his last deuce.

[Brady Bogan]

Oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

It killed him. And then there was a couple, you know, a couple others that are like, some guy got killed on it. And then they had one in England. They wanted people to stop peeing publicly. So they had this thing that would lift out of the ground, like hit a button and it was like a booth come out of the ground. You could use it. And one guy got in there and he started to use it and the thing malfunctioned and sucked him down into it. Down. Yeah. And then one. Of course, the one that everybody knows the true story that everybody's horrified of is 1947. It was on a. Or 87. It was on a plane. And the old lady flushed and the suction got weird because she was still sitting down. And it gutted her from her. From her holes out. Jesus. Because it vacuum sealed her onto the toilet seat and then threw her. Bung. Bung. Took out organs.

[Dick Toledo]

Rosebud.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that's. It wasn't a beehive wheel for me. It was a beehive and then started tumbling out. But you got to think about, like they always say you got like 107,000 miles of intestines that would never stop pulling.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah. 29ft or whatever.

[John Holmberg]

She got inside out of there. It sucked out several feet of her intestines in her body. And she survived, actually. And you know how they landed and then the medical helicopter took her from the airport to a hospital and they stuffed it all back in there. I would never sit on a toilet seat in an airport, in an airplane. Not because I know better. I just. That horrifies me that something could go wrong. Not even that the toilet would go wrong. That's how they find me when the plane goes down. Because I can't get me. Like, you know, your pants are on your ankles. Your pants are on my ankles. And I'm not sitting there covered in and that. I just don't like the LP in there. But I don't. I don't like, stay. I get in and out of the airplane bath quickly. I didn't mind the setjet one. That was actually really nice. I've been in people's houses with worse bathrooms than what was in setjet. It popped in there. And a nice mirror. Everything looked good. Like I could. If this thing goes down, I'd be happy in this. Like, find me in here. That's not bad. Still a private jet. You're still doing all right. But, you know, know nothing worse than being the dude with his pants down on Spirit Airlines and you're in the middle of a crash.

[Brady Bogan]

They even have bathrooms on Spirit. Yeah, I think you just go in the aisle.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, well, it's at each seat there's a bucket.

[Dick Toledo]

Youngest one has to throw it out.

[Brady Bogan]

When the flight hands as you walk in.

[John Holmberg]

All right, folks, get your tray tables and seats up and put a cap on your piss jars. We're about to land. Yeah, I don't. I'm not. But the Dunkin Donuts, they. They don't deserve that. You don't have. Don't poop at the Dunkin'everybody's. Always like, shouldn't we be courteous to each other? That's where it should start. Don't you think?

[Dick Toledo]

Ben Affleck addressed that. And there's no dining.

[John Holmberg]

Next Dunkin commercial spots. Yeah, just don't dump in the Dunkin. There's people eating there, and the bathroom is, like, attached to the dining room. It's like having a kitchen bathroom. You just don't dump at the Duncan. They should. I mean, there's where respect starts and ends. To me, if you're willing to take a. Where people eat and walk out, like, that's okay. It's gross. It's just gross. But people are gross. And I guess that's where it comes down. Don't poop at the Duncan. Can we have that 2024 rule? Can some of you just sit back and go, my resolution for 2024 to not dump in restaurants anymore.

[Dick Toledo]

I went by Dunkin this morning.

[John Holmberg]

Did you drop a deuce?

[Dick Toledo]

No.

[John Holmberg]

You're a decent human being. Thanks for that. It's just not right.

[Mike Tyson]

You know what?

[John Holmberg]

We should start. This is actually a pretty good idea. You know, take all the bathrooms out of Duncan's, all the poop places, and then, like, you know, have, like, restroom stores, you know, like.

[Dick Toledo]

Well, they do it, you know, certain malls.

[John Holmberg]

Well, no, no, no. I don't even want it near another store. A standalone.

[Dick Toledo]

It's just like a convenience stop.

[John Holmberg]

Couple bucks to get in, and then you go in there and you. You drop a deuce. You do your business. It's a public restroom, although it costs. And then we take all. And it's the only place you can go. And that would force people to learn how to sphincter up and go home and poop.

[Dick Toledo]

They tried to do that with rest areas, but then those guys ruined.

[John Holmberg]

But right, because they were free. George Michael, the bigger problem was free. They were free.

[Dick Toledo]

George Michael got involved and they had to shut down.

[John Holmberg]

You want to go inside there and get blown by a priest? Two dollars. Cost you two bucks to get in. Have added inside special little doors. Two bucks. Two bucks. Five bucks.

[Brady Bogan]

Call Father Dale.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, he'll do it for. Set it up for you.

[Brady Bogan]

He's the Epstein of Phoenix, if you.

[John Holmberg]

Want to do that, no more.

[Dick Toledo]

We still have to donate.

[John Holmberg]

No more fast food rest restaurants. If you go into my business, which is just toilets, it's just called John's. We'll call it John. And you go in there for two bucks. It's the only place sit down toilets exist anymore. McDonald's only has standups. You can only pee in public places. And if you've got to go on every. It would be like Starbucks. They'd be everywhere. And that way, yeah, the disgusting poop people have a place to go. My old landscaper, Jeff, I wouldn't let him in the house. I'm like, there are places for you and you. I have to go real bad. I'm like, I'm sorry. I'm not letting you in the house to poop. It's not happening. You should have thought of this before. Plan your day better. It's an emergency. Then you're sick and you shouldn't be at work. Go home. He went in the alley and he took a dump.

[Brady Bogan]

Should have thought about it before you got those carne asada fries at Filiberto's.

[John Holmberg]

On your way over. Exactly. There's another thing. Monitor your diet when you've got a full day away from toilets. I know that if I'm not going to see a toilet for nine hours because I'm an outdoor worker and I can't rely. And I can no longer rely on the Dunkin or Taco Bell or wherever else is closed. I'm not gonna suck down the Thai noodles. It's not happening. I'm not going to Chipotle for lunch. I might have.

[Dick Toledo]

That's the thing I think about, like on bread.

[John Holmberg]

Find myself airlines.

[Dick Toledo]

Like a 17 hour flight.

[John Holmberg]

Don't eat crazy before.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, yeah.

[John Holmberg]

What?

[Dick Toledo]

You've done 17 hours, haven't you?

[John Holmberg]

You have, yeah. Look at him. He's taking dumps on a plane.

[Dick Toledo]

I can't recall.

[John Holmberg]

You would know that. You not recalling is a tell.

[Dick Toledo]

Well, I mean, the amount of times that I've flown over the.

[John Holmberg]

You know, if you've been. You know, if you've been in a airplane toilet and dropped a dude.

[Brady Bogan]

But is that an exception? Like you said you flew to Australia. Did you hold it the whole.

[John Holmberg]

Of course I held it all the way.

[Dick Toledo]

I don't think I could.

[John Holmberg]

I pooped once in Australia. I'm a home pooper.

[Brady Bogan]

I know that.

[John Holmberg]

But I struggled to go anywhere. I went down to the lobby bathroom about nine days in and said, I think today's the Day had a nice little thing. A few more days later, we're on a plane heading home. I was fine. Got to the house and an ungodly amount of me came out. Mind over matter. They said that's not healthy. Maybe not, but the last thing I wanted to do do was share a hotel room with somebody that was comfortable doing it too. Yeah, the Johns. Johns leave the poor folks at Duncan Oil. In fact, I hope toilets start exploding more often than discourages people to do that. I like this idea. Public restrooms are available. You can go to the free ones, but there's a chance you're gonna get blown by a priest against your will. My place is monitored. There's, you know, nice little setup. A lobby can sit and wait your turn. There's a. We pay people pretty well to go in and clean. And it's specifically and only for that you don't come out and order donuts or go in with donuts. Even worse, there's a few guys who have a box of donuts. Like, man, I'm gonna have my bag of donuts and go in there and do my business. Just be considerate, that's all. If there's a room full of people eating delicious donuts or ordering breakfast, sitting.

[Dick Toledo]

On the throne, throwing the munchkin up in the air trying to catch him. You see him roll out from under the stall.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, give me that back. Give me that back. That's a good one. A lot of sugar left on that. That's a cinnamon. Yeah, he's doing the pop in his mouth because, you know, he's got nothing but time on his hands and he's got a routine. You can't sit with a box of munchkins and not tap. You're going in. Okay, so that. I love you, John, but for someone as American proud as you are, you have some commie on ideas. Literally. Only commie countries have public restrooms you have to pay for. Well, the reason why is because they got tired of people taking at Dunkin. Not all commie ideas are bad. That's a good one. If you're, you know. Look, there's too many people dropping deuces at Dunkin. It's less considerate. I'm not saying it's mandatory. I'm just saying wouldn't it be better if there were just a specific place designed for that? It's not a commie idea. If you think it's communist that you can't take on people while they eat. I'd rather live in a communist nation. It's out of control now. 98 to you, PT grab some protection. Here comes the best of Homburg's morning sickness. I'm 98K upd. Yeah. Well, Chief double down can't make it today. But we do have.

[Mike Tyson]

The COVID of the USA Today is our own Mike Tyson. Phoenix's own Mike Tyson who's here in town today. And Mike is. Mike is pretty happy because remember we've had Mike Tyson and Carl Malone spelling bees.

[John Holmberg]

And we figured we'd bring him back.

[Mike Tyson]

Because he's on the COVID of the USA Today. Mike Tyson is here today to do the spelling bee. And it's all sports related spelling.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, that's fun.

[Mike Tyson]

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

[John Holmberg]

But he's sure. I guess.

[Mike Tyson]

Excuse me. Pardon me. Hi there, Brady. How are you? You get a couple frames you face. Nice. That's a lovely haircut. It's good to see you enjoy a haircut.

[John Holmberg]

Thank you.

[Mike Tyson]

I said, do you want a pigeon?

[Dick Toledo]

Yes.

[Mike Tyson]

I've got like a whole house of pigeons. Why, my life is a world of crap.

[Dick Toledo]

They are tasty.

[Mike Tyson]

Yeah. I'm on the COVID of the USA Today and all they did was talk about how I'm just not happy.

[John Holmberg]

Why aren't you happy?

[Mike Tyson]

Have you seen my face?

[John Holmberg]

No.

[Mike Tyson]

I have a tattoo on my face. I have to look at that every morning.

[Dick Toledo]

That's cool.

[Mike Tyson]

It's very hard for me. Brady, your face is not tattooed. Mine, however, is.

[Dick Toledo]

Is one of your pigeons named Robin?

[Mike Tyson]

I'm gonna pull your ass out right in front of everybody right now.

[Eddie]

Just ask.

[Mike Tyson]

Don't bring Robin up.

[Dick Toledo]

Sorry.

[Mike Tyson]

As pigeons now, not Robins.

[John Holmberg]

Way to go, Brady. You've irritated him now.

[Mike Tyson]

It's all right. I'm rubbing my marble that we got on. Angerman's got a marble. You and I both have one. Yeah, I understand that. Eric, your haircut frames your face rather nicely.

[John Holmberg]

It's.

[Mike Tyson]

Well, thank you. It also frames that girl you were with rather nicely.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah?

[Mike Tyson]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

You met her, huh?

[Mike Tyson]

You need a framer to get around her. She's got a. She's huge. Yes. He's a lovely lady though. Who's the guy behind me?

[John Holmberg]

You don't like big girl. Oh, that's Dick Toledo.

[Mike Tyson]

Big Dick Toledo. Your haircut frames your face nicely as well.

[John Holmberg]

What's up, Mike?

[Mike Tyson]

I'm sad.

[John Holmberg]

Why are you sad?

[Mike Tyson]

Didn't you listen to me?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah.

[Mike Tyson]

In the world of crap, I'm gonna eat your children. Stop listening.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, but you got to be a little excited for the June 11th fight.

[Mike Tyson]

Yeah, I got A big fight events. I haven't even heard of the guy who you fight.

[John Holmberg]

You don't know?

[Mike Tyson]

I don't know.

[Dick Toledo]

Kevin McBride.

[Mike Tyson]

See, I think he's a sportscaster on Channel 10.

[Dick Toledo]

That's right.

[Mike Tyson]

I'm fighting coach.

[Dick Toledo]

He's a former Celtic.

[Mike Tyson]

I'm gonna fight Kevin. Kevin. Kevin McHale.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

You like fighting white guys, don't you?

[Mike Tyson]

Yes, because I can beat the tar of them. Still. It's those black ones. Put me in the ring with a black, I lose every time. I know I have to begin to eat them in order to even have a chance.

[Dick Toledo]

You're pretty outspoken on this whole Michael Jackson trial too.

[Mike Tyson]

Yes. He didn't do it.

[John Holmberg]

Why do you say that?

[Mike Tyson]

Because I know Michael.

[John Holmberg]

Really?

[Mike Tyson]

And his haircut perfectly frames his face.

[John Holmberg]

You hang out at Neverland.

[Mike Tyson]

I've been to Neverland. And he never once tried to touch me. I was six inches deep into Michael once and he didn't even say anything.

[Dick Toledo]

I didn't know that.

[Mike Tyson]

He said, call me daddy and I.

[John Holmberg]

Six inches, Mike. Stretching. That's.

[Mike Tyson]

Hey, take Toledo. You want six inches in me? You want your ass on the floor? You make your choice now. I'm sorry, I'm a little angry.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, you're a little cocky. Rich.

[Mike Tyson]

Yeah. Rich has a problem. Let's start my. My spelling bee music, shall we? Hi, Dirk. Still a virgin? It's all sports related. You get to pick from a category and the spelling bee is huge right now, so. Got somebody in line for. Hi there. Who's this? This is Eddie. Eddie, how are you this morning?

[John Holmberg]

Pretty good.

[Mike Tyson]

Are you white?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Mike Tyson]

Want to fight?

[John Holmberg]

Well, I'm not quite white. I'm more Mexican.

[Mike Tyson]

Want to fight?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah. Are you little 13?

[Mike Tyson]

I can't have that. My friend is Michael Jackson. I can't talk to 13 year old kids.

[Dick Toledo]

You'll get in trouble.

[Mike Tyson]

I get in big trouble. Who's it?

[John Holmberg]

Wolverine.

[Mike Tyson]

Wolverine?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

We don't remember Wolverine from Red Dawn. Yeah.

[Mike Tyson]

Okay, now, does a Wolverine or a badger.

[John Holmberg]

Wolverine.

[Mike Tyson]

More dangerous.

[John Holmberg]

Dominoes last night.

[Mike Tyson]

Oh, that's you.

[Dick Toledo]

He has all the snakes.

[Mike Tyson]

All right, pick it. Pick a category. Baseball, hockey or football. You have to spell a name from one of those sports.

[John Holmberg]

Football.

[Mike Tyson]

He says football. All right. You have to get two.

[John Holmberg]

Right?

[Mike Tyson]

Okay.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Mike Tyson]

Jake Delone.

[John Holmberg]

D E L H O M E. Sorry.

[Mike Tyson]

You're a freaking idiot.

[Dick Toledo]

Hey, but thanks for the pizzas last night.

[Mike Tyson]

Thanks for the pies.

[Dick Toledo]

Domino's.

[Mike Tyson]

Your haircut frames your face nicely. Hi there. Who's this?

[John Holmberg]

Hey, this is Joe.

[Mike Tyson]

Joe, how are you this morning.

[John Holmberg]

Good. What's going on?

[Mike Tyson]

Oh, you know, this, that and the other. I have a miserable life and I raise pigeons now it's on the COVID of the USA Today.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Mike Tyson]

Soon I will commit suicide. It will be violent and awful. Anyway, I hope it'll be on Pay Per View too, so my family can get some more money. Pick a category. Hockey, football or baseball.

[John Holmberg]

You said football.

[Mike Tyson]

Yes, I did say football. Pay attention.

[John Holmberg]

All right.

[Mike Tyson]

Obafemi Ian Badejo.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, my.

[Mike Tyson]

Obafemi Ian Badejo. If I can say it. You should spell it.

[John Holmberg]

He's a cardinal.

[Mike Tyson]

Obafemi. I and Bidejo have to spell the whole thing.

[Dick Toledo]

How about just the last?

[Mike Tyson]

I'll give you Obafemi.

[Dick Toledo]

Oh, okay.

[Mike Tyson]

You spell, I am Bidejo.

[John Holmberg]

I am a B.

[Dick Toledo]

Sorry.

[Mike Tyson]

Why the. Who's this? Hi. How are you?

[John Holmberg]

Fine.

[Dick Toledo]

What's up?

[Mike Tyson]

What's going on, friend?

[John Holmberg]

Not much.

[Mike Tyson]

Do you need a pigeon by chance? Because I have a superfluous amount of them.

[John Holmberg]

Got white ones.

[Mike Tyson]

I have white ones that I beat the tar out of. I'm a powerful, strong puncher.

[John Holmberg]

Wow.

[Mike Tyson]

And if it's white, I will knock it down.

[John Holmberg]

Great.

[Mike Tyson]

If it's black, I will run from it.

[Dick Toledo]

You said you're really depressed.

[Mike Tyson]

I'm very depressed.

[Dick Toledo]

I don't know. I say that because I haven't. According to USA Today, it has your quoting saying, I'm really a sad, pathetic case.

[Mike Tyson]

Yes, this is true.

[Dick Toledo]

I don't understand why.

[Mike Tyson]

Have you seen my face? The tattoo? And on top of it all, Brady haven't pulled an ass out in over a year. Well, you will. June 11th, I'm gonna beat the crap out of Kevin McCabe. From Channel 10, it's Fox.

[Dick Toledo]

What's Kevin McBride is who. You're.

[Mike Tyson]

Okay, you pick a category. Hockey, baseball or football. Do you have a nice life?

[John Holmberg]

No. No.

[Mike Tyson]

Good. We should hang out sometime and maybe talk about a horrible, violent.

[John Holmberg]

Go to a strip club.

[Mike Tyson]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

Go to Brighton. So we'll have to do that one of these days.

[Mike Tyson]

That'll be great.

[John Holmberg]

I'll say baseball.

[Mike Tyson]

He says baseball. All right, here we go. Ready?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Mike Tyson]

Shea Hillenbrand.

[John Holmberg]

Hillenbrand. Do I spell his first name?

[Mike Tyson]

No.

[John Holmberg]

Okay. H, I, L, D, E, B, R, A, N, D. That was horrible. Ah, whatever.

[Mike Tyson]

You may actually kill yourself before I do. So long feet.

[John Holmberg]

You have to pull out the gun.

[Mike Tyson]

Who's this? Tammy.

[Dick Toledo]

Danny.

[John Holmberg]

Daniel.

[Mike Tyson]

Hi, Tammy. How are you?

[John Holmberg]

No. Daniel.

[Mike Tyson]

Hi, Danny. Your haircut frames your face nicely. We have a new category. Basketball, baseball, hockey, football or basketball? Tammy.

[John Holmberg]

Baseball.

[Mike Tyson]

Baseball's good. Scott Potzednik.

[John Holmberg]

P O S E D. So long, Tammy. I think it was Dan.

[Mike Tyson]

Hi. That. Who? This.

[Dick Toledo]

This bee is awesome, huh?

[Mike Tyson]

Matt, I couldn't hear you because Brady wouldn't shut his fat trap. Okay, Matt, Tammy, baseball, hockey, football, or basketball?

[John Holmberg]

Football. Football.

[Mike Tyson]

That doesn't make you tough. All right, Mike Alstott.

[John Holmberg]

A L, S, T, O, T, T. That's one.

[Mike Tyson]

We got it.

[John Holmberg]

We got.

[Mike Tyson]

Kabir, Basha, Bamila.

[John Holmberg]

Jeez, I just have to do the last name, right?

[Mike Tyson]

That's right.

[John Holmberg]

G, B, A, J, A, dash, B, I, A, M, I, L, A.

[Mike Tyson]

How's the Internet? How's the Internet treat you nice? Google second, then Nikolai. Nikolai Hobby Bulan. Just see if you're really a strong speller. Are you an. Are you an East India? Are you a dot? Indian? Dot, not feathers.

[John Holmberg]

I'm Feather.

[Mike Tyson]

I've never fought one of those.

[Dick Toledo]

He's Feather.

[Mike Tyson]

You're Feather Indian.

[John Holmberg]

They're good as fine, too. No, I'm actually white.

[Mike Tyson]

I will kick your ass. You're a white man. I can beat the tar of them. Why do white people bleed so easy? I can't say I don't enjoy it. Okay. Go ahead. Nikolai Hobby Bullen.

[John Holmberg]

I thought I picked football.

[Dick Toledo]

Shut up.

[Mike Tyson]

Nikolai. Hobby Bullen is playing football because there.

[John Holmberg]

Is no hockey right now. All right, let's see if you're really good.

[Mike Tyson]

Landon Wilson.

[John Holmberg]

What? What's the name?

[Mike Tyson]

Landon Wilson.

[John Holmberg]

Landon Wilson. Yeah. W I L, S O, N. He.

[Mike Tyson]

Is a genius, this one.

[John Holmberg]

That's amazing.

[Mike Tyson]

Nice job. Hang on a second. I'm sure your haircut turns your face beautifully.

[John Holmberg]

We already got a winner, Mike, if that.

[Mike Tyson]

Can I go and kill myself now because I'm so miserable? Brady, would you do the honest?

[Dick Toledo]

I would love to.

[Mike Tyson]

Yeah. You missed.

[Dick Toledo]

Sorry.

[Mike Tyson]

No white man has hit me in the last five. Got a little chunk of that. But that's all right. That's comma. Because I ate someone's ear once.

[Dick Toledo]

So when's Kevin McBride gonna drop you? In what round?

[Mike Tyson]

Kevin McCabe will probably beat my depressed ass in the fourth round. Then I'm gonna apologize to everyone for buying tickets, and then I will. I will not eat his children. Oh, I'll probably just eat his wife like I did. Yeah, I don't have any confidence left.

[John Holmberg]

I thought you do, like yoga.

[Mike Tyson]

I do yoga. And then I. Then I free my pigeons. What? What in the hell am I doing with all these pigeons? That's all I want to know. How does that. How does that collection start? I'm bankrupt. Why am I buying pigeons.

[Dick Toledo]

What do you do with all the stool? The pigeons stool?

[Mike Tyson]

I sit on it in the corner. My trainer puts it out and I sit on it. Oh, no.

[John Holmberg]

Dookie poop.

[Mike Tyson]

Put it in the toilet like everyone else. That's what I thought. What are you talking about?

[John Holmberg]

Thanks for stopping by, Mike.

[Mike Tyson]

I'm coming back.

[John Holmberg]

Are you?

[Mike Tyson]

You can't stop me.

[John Holmberg]

You're white.

[Mike Tyson]

Do you have any black people working here?

[Dick Toledo]

Yes, we do.

[Mike Tyson]

You do not.

[Dick Toledo]

Huh?

[Mike Tyson]

This is a lie and you're gonna be beaten for. I'm gonna pull your ass out and show it to you before your heart.

[John Holmberg]

We have a lot of Mexicans.

[Mike Tyson]

Like four. Four Mexicans equals one black. They're all together.

[Dick Toledo]

Hey, Eric's having a barbecue at his house. Do you want to.

[Mike Tyson]

I enjoy barbecue. You know how to. Do you know how to prepare pigeon? Because I have extra. All right, bring them over. Pigeon.

[Dick Toledo]

Couple of hundred of them.

[Mike Tyson]

Why?

[Dick Toledo]

Because they are soothing to you.

[Mike Tyson]

That's what.

[Dick Toledo]

That's what you said? Yes.

[Mike Tyson]

That's the stupidest thing I've ever said.

[Dick Toledo]

You didn't say that.

[Mike Tyson]

I said it, but it was dumb.

[Dick Toledo]

You're also on the warpath because you're single again.

[Mike Tyson]

I know any. Any single white ladies that work here that would like a big pile of me on them. You know what I'm saying? Little map of Hawaii. Little map of Mike Tyson.

[Dick Toledo]

There's plenty out there.

[Mike Tyson]

Pigeons like it when I do that to them. Give it a shot.

[Dick Toledo]

Paradise Valley women will dig ya.

[Mike Tyson]

That's true. I met a girl last night.

[John Holmberg]

Did you. Did you punch her?

[Mike Tyson]

Honeymoon is Ronnie.

[John Holmberg]

You punch her in the trunk. That's a good kill.

[Mike Tyson]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

We have something in common.

[Mike Tyson]

Is that right?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[Mike Tyson]

You have a boyfriend named Ronnie?

[Dick Toledo]

No. Mike.

[Mike Tyson]

Oh, really? That works out beautifully. I'm dating a Ronnie. Which has nothing to do with your boyfriend, Mike. Aleutian Islands. Spell it.

[Dick Toledo]

I T it.

[Mike Tyson]

That's it. Nice job, Brady.

[Dick Toledo]

Thank you.

[Mike Tyson]

I'm gonna leave for a little while soaking my own deal of depression. Man.

[John Holmberg]

Very sad. Notice he never says anything about my haircut. Holmberg's morning sickness.

[Mike Tyson]

Belling bee. The huge spelling bee. Which it seems like it used to last, like, a week, and now it's a day.

[John Holmberg]

The Indians knock everybody out in, like, a day. Day.

[Dick Toledo]

How do they do the rotation on.

[Mike Tyson]

I don't know.

[Dick Toledo]

People involved, I guess.

[John Holmberg]

So there's less people that want to.

[Mike Tyson]

Challenge the East Indies, not the Islands, but you know what I mean.

[Dick Toledo]

There seems to be an Asian dominance. In math, all the Asian countries and.

[John Holmberg]

Well, yeah, I guess so.

[Mike Tyson]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

What are white people good at?

[Mike Tyson]

We're slowly disappearing.

[John Holmberg]

I think we're just fat and lazy. We're good at making money and having jobs. That's true.

[Dick Toledo]

We're not good at spending money.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know what we're good at. We're not good at?

[Mike Tyson]

Athletics.

[John Holmberg]

No. Spelling. No.

[Dick Toledo]

We're great at.

[John Holmberg]

Not good at. You know what we're good at? You know what we're good at? NASCAR dominance. NASCAR and. And. Yeah. World dominance. Thank you. Clam taking over countries. We're good at that.

[Mike Tyson]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

We're good at?

[John Holmberg]

Saying we're good at building bombs.

[Dick Toledo]

We're not a mix.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Mike Tyson]

We're really good at being average at everything.

[John Holmberg]

See, we're C students. Yeah, we're C students. We're not great at anything, but we're good at everything.

[Brady Bogan]

True.

[Dick Toledo]

I'm proud of average things. We're above average in certain things.

[Mike Tyson]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Being fully leveraged.

[John Holmberg]

Running up credit card. Credit card debt.

[Mike Tyson]

No, but we still don't have black people in.

[John Holmberg]

Poor Puerto Ricans on that one.

[Dick Toledo]

I don't know.

[John Holmberg]

There's some heavy leverage.

[Mike Tyson]

I think that. I think that does. I don't think there's no race involved with that.

[John Holmberg]

It's good English. I just used there.

[Dick Toledo]

We're probably above average in starting multi level marketing scams.

[John Holmberg]

That's true. Scamming people. We're very good at lying and scamming.

[Dick Toledo]

You'd have to say we dominate the infomercial business.

[John Holmberg]

Telling people how to get rich. Yeah, it's true. I don't know. Maybe Mike knows.

[Mike Tyson]

I tell you one thing you're not good at. Fighting Mike Tyson. There hasn't been a white guy that even hit me yet. I fought like 30 of them. Fighting another one on June 11th. It's true. Kevin. Kevin. Will you look at Kevin McBride?

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, McBride.

[Mike Tyson]

Wasn't he an NSync? No, I don't remember his name.

[Dick Toledo]

But will you promise right here on the air.

[Mike Tyson]

Yes, I solemnly swear that I will.

[Dick Toledo]

Not chew or bite on any ear.

[Mike Tyson]

Brady's ear.

[Dick Toledo]

No.

[John Holmberg]

What?

[Dick Toledo]

Kevin McBride. Kevin McKay will not bite of anything.

[Mike Tyson]

I plan not to eat anyone this. This fight, but you never know what's gonna happen. He might be salty. That's tough. When someone's sweaty, they become so salty.

[John Holmberg]

That's good.

[Mike Tyson]

And it becomes so tasty. You know, you bang into them all the time. It's like, my God, he's salty. You could take a bite of this and Harvey's like a big peanut.

[Dick Toledo]

It's like, been marinated?

[Mike Tyson]

Yeah. Well, it's like you just, like you're fighting that plantis and all of a sudden your mind reminds you. Look at you say, oh, my God, I'm fighting the plant. This peanut man, I have to have some of that. How do you want to crunch him open and get to that nutty center?

[Dick Toledo]

It's like a natural rub.

[Mike Tyson]

I don't know. Are you sweaty?

[John Holmberg]

Do people turn into food for you?

[Mike Tyson]

Yes.

[John Holmberg]

Really? What is. Brady. Yes.

[Mike Tyson]

Giant talking ham on a. Wait, I was looking at your girlfriend. That was a good one.

[John Holmberg]

Thanks.

[Mike Tyson]

I'll be here all week. I'm gonna put the improv out of business.

[John Holmberg]

Real funny, Mike.

[Mike Tyson]

That's a good one. Hi there. Who's this?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, this is Brad. Brad.

[Mike Tyson]

How's your life going?

[John Holmberg]

It's going pretty good. How's yours?

[Mike Tyson]

Mine is a miserable pile of feces. Miserable pile that's flaming on your doorstep right now. Are you white?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I'm white.

[Mike Tyson]

Wanna fight?

[John Holmberg]

Sure.

[Mike Tyson]

It's like too many dollars for both of us. All you got to do is stand in there for eight rounds while I pummel your white ass into the ground. Do you have any black friends that could take care of me after the fight?

[John Holmberg]

No.

[Mike Tyson]

See, this is great for me. You're in. Congratulations. Pick a sport. Basketball, hockey, baseball or football.

[John Holmberg]

Let's go with football.

[Mike Tyson]

Yeah, this is a good, good game. Football is the best one to choose. Chris. Fu matu Mafala.

[John Holmberg]

Fu matu Malafala.

[Mike Tyson]

Fuumatu Matafala. Are you looking on the Internet?

[John Holmberg]

What are you saying?

[Mike Tyson]

Fuamatu Mafala.

[John Holmberg]

I have to put a time on these guys.

[Mike Tyson]

He's the bad Mafala.

[Dick Toledo]

He's Samoan, isn't he?

[Mike Tyson]

Well, Fuamatu Ma fala. Former Pittsburgh Steeler. And Kurt. Jacksonville Jaguar.

[John Holmberg]

Well, F U. F U.

[Mike Tyson]

Hey, watch your mouth, whitey. Oh, sorry. You're just spelling. Go ahead.

[John Holmberg]

F U, T, M A.

[Mike Tyson]

Sorry. So on.

[John Holmberg]

Cracker.

[Mike Tyson]

Hi there. Who's this?

[John Holmberg]

This is Richard.

[Mike Tyson]

Richard. How are you, Dick?

[John Holmberg]

I'm doing pretty good. It's good.

[Mike Tyson]

Are you white?

[John Holmberg]

Yes.

[Mike Tyson]

All right.

[John Holmberg]

Good.

[Mike Tyson]

All right, here we go. Are you married?

[John Holmberg]

Yes.

[Mike Tyson]

I probably had her. Is her name Robin?

[John Holmberg]

No, it's actually not.

[Mike Tyson]

It's Ashley.

[Dick Toledo]

Choose Miss Indiana.

[John Holmberg]

Done it.

[Mike Tyson]

All right, here we go. Football, baseball, basketball, A. Hockey.

[John Holmberg]

Let's go with football.

[Mike Tyson]

Football's a good one. Everybody keeps choosing that. All right. Woody Dancela.

[John Holmberg]

Who?

[Mike Tyson]

Woody.

[John Holmberg]

Dance Lansler.

[Mike Tyson]

Dance la.

[John Holmberg]

I can't understand.

[Mike Tyson]

Dantler serious right now. I'm enraged by this guy.

[John Holmberg]

I'M sorry, man. He's been hitting the ball.

[Mike Tyson]

Gonna kill this guy. Woody. Dancer.

[John Holmberg]

Dancer, man. D A N D.

[Mike Tyson]

So far, so good. There's more. Dancer.

[John Holmberg]

LA Sorry. The stoners aren't good at.

[Mike Tyson]

Sorry about that. You probably should have called some other time.

[John Holmberg]

Spelling bee.

[Eddie]

I'm in.

[John Holmberg]

Man.

[Dick Toledo]

He's a little more fortified. Looking for most B contestants.

[Mike Tyson]

Hi there. Who is this?

[John Holmberg]

Sean.

[Mike Tyson]

Sean. How are you this morning?

[John Holmberg]

Good.

[Mike Tyson]

It's good to speak to you. Are you white?

[John Holmberg]

I am white.

[Mike Tyson]

All right. I could kill you if you just keep that in mind. Football, basketball, hockey or baseball?

[John Holmberg]

Let's go. Hockey.

[Mike Tyson]

Hockey is a good one.

[John Holmberg]

Oh.

[Mike Tyson]

Dominic Hossek.

[John Holmberg]

Hossek.

[Mike Tyson]

You heard me.

[John Holmberg]

J. S I K. Wow.

[Mike Tyson]

Not even close. Sorry, sister. Hi there. Who's this?

[John Holmberg]

Hey, this is Mike. Mike.

[Mike Tyson]

That's my name as well.

[John Holmberg]

Fantastic. Am I the ass?

[Mike Tyson]

You're on the air.

[John Holmberg]

Fantastic. Baseball.

[Mike Tyson]

All right. Baseball. This is easy. Ready?

[John Holmberg]

Yep.

[Mike Tyson]

Doug McKiewicz.

[John Holmberg]

Mikaygalit.

[Mike Tyson]

Mikavich.

[John Holmberg]

Michalich. That would be M.C. wow.

[Mike Tyson]

Sorry. You listen to the stupid people.

[Dick Toledo]

You're having a tough time understanding, so.

[Mike Tyson]

That's right. Leg of lamb.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Mint jelly.

[Mike Tyson]

Just a little salt.

[John Holmberg]

You have a weird accent. Where are you from?

[Mike Tyson]

New Jersey. Really? Why? Ever get back there? No.

[Dick Toledo]

Would you like to try some man porridge?

[Mike Tyson]

Oh, that sounds delicious. Is it salty?

[Dick Toledo]

Yes.

[Mike Tyson]

At least anything salty. Evander had a nice, like, minty flavor. And he would come in salt. And then I could have sworn he had one of those monocles in his eye. And the little cane and the hat and. My God, the planet's peanut. Man. I have to eat this, man. And then. And then it was like a mint jelly coming out of him.

[John Holmberg]

So what does Brady look like to you?

[Mike Tyson]

Brady looks like a pot roast.

[Dick Toledo]

Chateaubriand.

[Mike Tyson]

Brady. The pot roast with a head. Delicious pot roast, man.

[Dick Toledo]

What's Eric look like?

[Mike Tyson]

Eric looks like a flaming bag of Fifi.

[John Holmberg]

Come on.

[Mike Tyson]

I would not eat Eric. It's not salties. Nutty. Definitely nutty.

[Dick Toledo]

Corny.

[Mike Tyson]

It's corn and nuts. But there is no. Yeah, there's no quality.

[Dick Toledo]

I see what you're saying.

[Mike Tyson]

There's no nutrition eating Eric. Hi there. Who's this?

[John Holmberg]

Reuben. Reuben.

[Mike Tyson]

Howie.

[John Holmberg]

Good. How about yourself?

[Mike Tyson]

You're the last. I live in a world of death.

[Dick Toledo]

Love your show, Reuben.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Mike Tyson]

Your last album was fantastic. You are the American album. Basketball, football, hockey or baseball? Reuben, you're the last hope.

[John Holmberg]

Baseball.

[Mike Tyson]

Baseball it is.

[John Holmberg]

All right.

[Mike Tyson]

You ready?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Mike Tyson]

Mark Gretzalonic.

[John Holmberg]

G R U D Gatonic. V A. Did you see that.

[Mike Tyson]

Sorry. He did.

[Dick Toledo]

He tried to help pronounce it by going into the anonymous angel.

[Mike Tyson]

I heard that. You want to try another one? Just because I love your album.

[John Holmberg]

Sure.

[Mike Tyson]

All right. Let's go with AJ Pierzinski. Spell his first name.

[John Holmberg]

Spell his first name.

[Mike Tyson]

AJ AJ now spell his last name. He thought I was gonna let you off easy.

[John Holmberg]

Come on. You're a jerk. Mine. Pavinsky.

[Mike Tyson]

P, I, V, I, N, S. Sorry. So long, stupid.

[Dick Toledo]

You know, Mike. Reuben. That's a salty sandwich.

[Mike Tyson]

You ever had a Reuben?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yes.

[Mike Tyson]

I. Yeah. Yes. Talking pot roast people. Anyway, so watch me fight. Kevin. What's his name?

[Dick Toledo]

Kevin McBride. June 11th.

[Mike Tyson]

Kevin McCavich.

[Dick Toledo]

That's the day before Father's Day. What are your six kids?

[Mike Tyson]

I got six kids. They're gonna be cleaning the pigeon stool out of my house. Because I have like thousands of pigeons for no reason whatsoever.

[Dick Toledo]

So everyone on the place will sit.

[Mike Tyson]

There will be tons of stools everywhere. Cuz Brady likes to do double entendre humor.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. I thought.

[Mike Tyson]

I didn't know. That's it. No more spelling bees. We had a winner.

[Dick Toledo]

Thanks for coming, Mike.

[Mike Tyson]

Suck it.

[John Holmberg]

I'm powerful. It's out of control now. Cease and assist at once. The best of H's. Morning sickness. This is the Big Red Radio.

[Brady Bogan]

This segment brought to you guys by MMP Guns on 12th street in Indian School. Inside a Mo Money pond. Now, MMP Guns is your firearms at expert. Whether you look for a new firearm for yourself, for your girlfriend, your wife. You want to build one, you need accessories, you need ammo. If they don't got it, they'll get it. It's MMP Guns over on 12th street in Indian School. Check them out [e-mail] Brady.

[John Holmberg]

Are you ready? Let's do it. Dear Brady, calling me ugly isn't an insult to me. I'm unattractive. Well, I get that. It's like I wrote this. But I say that the reason I'm it is the reason Reason that I am a millionaire. That's right. I got skills and a personality because I couldn't rely on my looks growing up. I'm only 34 and I have hustled and I have earned it. Granted, I'd have to sell some of my stuff to have a million dollars. But I am technically a millionaire. I'm very comfortable. I've also never had a serious relationship. Because for the past 15 years of working, I've been so focused on making sure that I'm financially okay. I didn't have time for granted. Well, let's kind of slowed down a little. I'm seeing a girl who is absolutely stunning. Instagram model, hot smoke show. She's 10 years younger than me. She has very little cash, no skill with cash. But we are talking about taking things to the next level. In my mind, I think this is a great idea. But I am also wondering a little piece of me that says she only wants the lifestyle, not me. Is this something I'm dealing with because it's normal? Or what would Brady do? Asking you millionaire Brady, keep what you're doing, man.

[Dick Toledo]

Make that money. Yeah, she's into it for the money, but it's a good life.

[John Holmberg]

So are you.

[Eddie]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

She's got the exact same mentality you have. I was gonna say in it for the cash.

[Dick Toledo]

And what are you in it for?

[John Holmberg]

Well, he's in it for the cash and her and her, you know, bowing down to you. The difference is she's pretty. She didn't have to work together. It just gonna get some of yours.

[Dick Toledo]

Correct, and you take it to the next level. Depends on, you know, if you want to go traditional.

[John Holmberg]

Nup it.

[Brady Bogan]

I was just gonna say the same thing.

[John Holmberg]

Prenup it.

[Dick Toledo]

It meant the world recommendation, because it sounds like. I mean, and to you, that's the. The priority. If that priority is you like being successful making that money, then I would nup it.

[John Holmberg]

And you're ambitious and you're strong, and you worked real hard. Hard. And that's great stuff. But you're also ugly. The money makes you more attractive. She doesn't have to work hard. You have to realize that there's nothing about this girl that has to ever put an effort in for the next 12 years. Then the ravages of time begin, and she better get a personality. But she said, you're 34. She's 24. She better develop a personality sometime between now and the next two presidents, because if she doesn't have anything by the time she's 30, 34, and you didn't up it, she's gonna have a ton of money. And that'll carry her into her 40s if she doesn't get the personality. So try to see if she's got that going for her. A lot of those girls that are 24 and scoring millionaires at that age, it must be smoking. But they're usually kind of boring, right? Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

This sounds like it's going in the right direction.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, I think so too. So definitely get some paperwork. Move that little. That little Betty right in there. There Take advantage of it. Until what? Until what happens? Brett.

[Brady Bogan]

What? She ages?

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah.

[Brady Bogan]

She expires.

[John Holmberg]

That's exactly right. I like when Brett says, don't help him. We'll get it to him.

[Brady Bogan]

I just make sure we're on page.

[John Holmberg]

I just want to make sure Toledo likes to answer my questions for you. Expires like milk. It happens to everybody. That's.

[Brady Bogan]

Well, if he's got that kind of cash, he doesn't have to worry about it. Just gets rid of her before the expiration date.

[John Holmberg]

And that's what she needs to realize.

[Brady Bogan]

Exactly.

[John Holmberg]

We're telling him, hey, she's in it for the lifestyle. What she needs to realize is he's in it for as long as you are valuable to him. Yeah, so that's not good. That's not the. The healthiest relationship. But you've entered all that cash and into it. And the last thing you want, I think, is a woman with an equal amount of money. She's going to smash heads. Too competitive. The whole place will turn into a big, you know, Super Bowl. Every where you're trying to be strong.

[Dick Toledo]

It really comes down to liking each other.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. And that's not ever going to happen. I don't think I like two people. I don't think a man and woman could ever do that equally yoked financially. Or it has to be an imbalance. Somebody owes something. Like you give me your beauty and I give you this lifestyle until your beauty cracks. And trust me, a girl will hate hearing that. But Brett says when she expires, when she's in her mid-30s, he'll get rid of her. If he loses his mind, she'll get rid of him.

[Brady Bogan]

She's gone before that.

[John Holmberg]

So it's even if that guy's broke and loses his ambition and takes that lifestyle away, she's there for that too. So women can get mad and say, oh, that's awful. You say that when she's ugly, he'll leave her. If he's broke, she'll leave him. So let's just keep doing what we're doing here and recognize and also ugly guy. Celebrate yourself a little bit. You do your ugly. Take advantage of this ugly guy banging hot chicks. That's winning. That's called winning. Exactly.

[Dick Toledo]

Tiger blood, man.

[John Holmberg]

I was with Lovitz this weekend. You see, he's been with models, so I don't want to hear it from the ladies.

[Mike Tyson]

That's terrible.

[John Holmberg]

You say that we expire and you just get rid of us. Well, if we go broke, you do the same.

[Eddie]

I would not. If my husband went broke, I'd stay.

[John Holmberg]

Then you must not be that hot. Because a hot girl would go, I got options. Yep. For a little while, right? Yeah, for a little bit. She's gonna eventually gonna need to settle in.

[Brady Bogan]

Unless she's Kate Beckinsale or something.

[John Holmberg]

Then, you know, she can move anywhere she wants. Yep. Let me find another one. Older lady argument with my wife. Like that one. Ew. Ew. Dear Brady, last night I had an argument with my wife about her dirty feet. We put up Christmas lights on our trees and bushes, and the whole time my wife was in her bare feet. She's always on her bare feet. She hates socks. She never puts shoes on. She's outside doing simple tasks. And her bare feet. Yeah. So at the end of the night, she's sitting on her clean bed with these Fred Flintstone dirt bags at the end of her ankles. Since she showers in the morning, it was most likely to stay there all night. Is she gonna wash those things? And she got mad and stormed off to the shower, griping the whole way. I told her. I can't believe I had to even bring it up. It's common sense. Clean yourself. Everybody hates dirty feet. I hate dirty feet. We don't have a. We have a no shoe rule in my house because I feel dirty feet. I feel about dirty feet the same way John feels about a butthole. It's equal. Brady, am I overreacting or is my wife settle this argument?

[Dick Toledo]

I wouldn't worry about it. A couple years, she's gonna lose those feet. From diabetics?

[John Holmberg]

He thinks so. He thinks he's one.

[Eddie]

Clean your feet.

[John Holmberg]

You don't lose it from being dirty. Yeah. This is why Brady is who he is. He thinks that that's how you get diabetes. Meanwhile.

[Dick Toledo]

I'm just saying, if she's not washing.

[John Holmberg]

Her feet right, she's a pig. At least diabetes we get. What you're saying since she ain't washing her feet, you're better looking naked. I got you.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

She's probably not taking care of the rest of herself.

[Dick Toledo]

And if she's ill, they faint is an obvious thing. What else is going on now?

[John Holmberg]

That candy store not getting washed before bed.

[Dick Toledo]

Roots and stews, man.

[John Holmberg]

And that's the thing, ladies and men. You should always shower before bed because that's where the action happens. And it's a. It's an announcement to say I'm clean and considerate to the sleeping arrangement we have. Going to bed with today's junk on you is Disgusting to me. You pooped. You outside putting up Christmas lights. Dirty pig. You take your clothes off and climb into the rack. No, wash up. The whole day is on you. Wash it off. And if you need a shower to kick start your day the next morning, do that too. We got plenty of water. You see them oceans? They're everywhere. We're good.

[Dick Toledo]

Jump in the pool. It's good for the circulation right now.

[John Holmberg]

Get some of that. Just at least get today off of you. It is good for you, the cold bath, but clean up before bed. Think about it. We're gonna be up four in the morning. We wake up, I go to bed about 11. I'm not climbing into bed with all that on me and everything that happened to me and going, alright, who's up for a little bleh, bleh, bleh, bleh. It's not happening. It's disgusting. And if a woman did it, you'd be like, gross. Go wash that thing.

[Dick Toledo]

Just grab. Scrub the feet up. She should know better.

[John Holmberg]

Put some shoes on. It's kind of an announcement that you're not interested in your partner too. I think it's more of a subconscious thing to say. I don't clean myself before bed to keep you away from me.

[Dick Toledo]

She's not wearing shoes and it's been a long time. She's got like those heel spurs.

[Brady Bogan]

She's got circle, Casey.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, she got them. Yeah, he's right, them spurs. That, that like it looks like a turtle's tail hanging off the back of that lady's fur foot.

[Dick Toledo]

You might have to shoe her.

[John Holmberg]

Wouldn't hurt.

[Dick Toledo]

Carve some of that. Hook those hooves over here.

[John Holmberg]

We're gonna walk around without shoes. I'm gonna have you take you down there to the Smith.

[Dick Toledo]

You can't. You're in this bedroom now.

[John Holmberg]

You gotta grind it every once in a while.

[Dick Toledo]

Take some shavings off my wife.

[John Holmberg]

Also. Guy who emailed wife's a pig. How dare you climb in my clean with that.

[Dick Toledo]

Feels like he knows that.

[John Holmberg]

He knows. That's why he's emailing. He wants her out. That's a deal breaker. You come in my bed with black feet. I remember being years ago, I thought I was gonna like this girl. And I remember she was walking around her place with no shoes on and we ended up in the shower together. And I looked down and it's just her apartment and the water hit her feet and it turned the water a different color. That was immediate boner death. So we played around for a little bit and I'M like, I gotta go. Cause that was from her apartment floor. And I said, slong pig. She said, but wait, she sounded just like Brady.

[Brady Bogan]

You know what happened that wasn't a boner killer.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, that was awesome. I like that. Anything to quiet that. I had to fill that mouth. What are you anyway? Dear Brady, my mom has been involved in a cult. And I won't say the name of this cult, but I do her taxes. And she gave $52,000 to them this year. She's got some cash, but come on, there's zero return on that. Would you alert the IRS about this or would you see if you can stop? She's not hearing me at all. Do I get a conservatorship? Which I'm capable of doing. It'll ruin the relationship, but it's all going to go away if she keeps this up. She's got about six years of this left. And let me tell you the hint about the cult. Zenu's involved. That is all Riley. Oh, I know this one. That's them Scientologists.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

52 grand isn't.

[Dick Toledo]

You get a tax break on some of that? I don't know if it's a 501C3. Absolutely.

[John Holmberg]

Unless you're just dropping cash in.

[Dick Toledo]

If she's dropping cash in, tougher to report. You know, that's a honor system.

[John Holmberg]

You.

[Dick Toledo]

You can still report it as long as they record.

[John Holmberg]

What do they do like a 10 thing? You got to have recorded evidence of your. Yeah, nobody's recording cash drops. The basket goes by anonymously.

[Dick Toledo]

Some people can. You can write it down, say it and then. But you're better off. Always remember doing that is if you are donating the check is the best way to record it.

[John Holmberg]

He's clearly a tax guy, says he does her taxes. Yeah. So I'm guessing she doesn't have a lot of records saying this is a tax write off.

[Dick Toledo]

Or maybe she doesn't. That's how he knows.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, that could be. But it's not full. You can't be handing out 52 grand a year to a cult. Yeah, that's true.

[Dick Toledo]

Newly into it, it sounds like. Or she's been into it for a couple of years. You. You got some work to do. I don't know if you could get the. I mean, I guess you could go for a conservatorship, but gotta take that.

[John Holmberg]

To court and stuff.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, I don't. I think that's expensive. I mean the best you can do is like hope that she either comes out of it or, you know, it's. You gotta let that go.

[John Holmberg]

If to mourn the loss of your mother. She's gone. She is a Scientologist now. And I don't know why you'd want to hang out with her in the first place. She's a SC. Scientologist now.

[Brady Bogan]

Send Leah Remini over there.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, exactly. Leo will save her. I don't think if my mom turned Scientologist, I just remember her for what she was and let her drift off into the sunset on her own. We had a good run. We had a nice run. This mom. I don't know. I don't think I love anybody so much that if they became Scientologists, I would keep them around. If your mom and dad. Scientologists. You try to talk them out. Like I'm done here.

[Dick Toledo]

I try to talk them out of it or talk to them about it.

[John Holmberg]

Right.

[Dick Toledo]

But I'd still. You know, if she runs out, you know, the only thing that. For him. If she runs out of money, then she'll come back to him.

[John Holmberg]

Man. You're a Scientologist. Go to them now. Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

She could move in.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. They'll take.

[Dick Toledo]

They've got facilities.

[John Holmberg]

Go to that workstation down there in Indio. Start doing some of the labor. 52 grand in a year to any sort of facility that just harbors your inner beliefs. Joel Osteen's walls are like, that's nothing. That's in a playpen.

[Dick Toledo]

At some point you need a return on your investment.

[John Holmberg]

Right. Yeah. More than just the promise of a spaceship and a planet. Osteen.

[Brady Bogan]

Don't waste time with 52 grand.

[John Holmberg]

Yep. Please. That's a drop in the button. You just keep that.

[Brady Bogan]

Don't insult me, Popper.

[John Holmberg]

I. I don't like what you're doing. It's out of control. Now the Best of Rerun from the Morning Sickness. It's John Holmberg here. And thank you for listening to the Best of Holmberg's Morning Sickness 2024 in the books doesn't mean you can stop taking care of yourself. You have to forge forward into the new year. And don't do it with resolutions or silliness, for crying out loud. Call my [e-mail] youm got a couple more days to take advantage of their amazing deal Holmberg and train. Get you two months of training for 199 bucks. Turn you into a sheepdog. Keep you from being a sheep. Reactdefense.com it's the home of Tactical Black Rerun Brady. Entertain me.

[Dick Toledo]

Buzz Aldrin, the second man to walk on the moon, celebrated his 93rd birthday by getting married on Friday. It it's his fourth marriage.

[John Holmberg]

To who?

[Dick Toledo]

63 year old Anka Farr.

[John Holmberg]

All right.

[Dick Toledo]

Who's a VP of his company.

[John Holmberg]

30 years.

[Dick Toledo]

Check out the kill here.

[John Holmberg]

He was born in 93. So he was born in 1930 and she was born 30 years later in the 1960s. Robbing the cradle. Look at this. Hot.

[Dick Toledo]

Pretty solid. I know.

[John Holmberg]

That's a 63 year old woman.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Hey, and that's a 93 year old man. That looks better than I will ever look. That is a good looking 93 year old man. That is the first time those words have ever been strung together on the moon.

[Dick Toledo]

They pressed his face up there.

[John Holmberg]

And that moon man is good looking. He's good looking for 53, let alone 93. And he pulled a 63 year old woman. All right, Buzz.

[Brady Bogan]

Nice kill, buddy.

[John Holmberg]

Great kill. Wonder what the wedding night was like. Probably like taking a uncooked hot dog and trying to shove it through a wall.

[Brady Bogan]

He had a handful of blue pills.

[John Holmberg]

That hurts a little. Got some Icy Hot. What are you doing to that thing down there? You gonna chew it off? Turn off that racket.

[Eddie]

It's Bruno Mars.

[John Holmberg]

Turn off that racket.

[Dick Toledo]

And if you're looking to pick up a harmonica, learn to play it. Mick Jagger's come out with his own line of harmonicas.

[Brady Bogan]

Thank God. Right, that's what the world needed.

[John Holmberg]

No, I give it to Keith because he tends to rattle his mouth about. Remember that time we raped that girl in the back of Mike Tyson's limo? Right, but we don't talk about Keith, right? Hey Mick. I remember that girl. Remember where we put her? Right? We buried her, but we don't talk about it, do we Keith? I could still dig her up. Was a very deep grave, mate.

[Dick Toledo]

He remembers everything.

[John Holmberg]

It's not good, mate. That's not good. What was the thing they did? Like we found out right before Christmas. They used to work with old people and clean bedpans together.

[Dick Toledo]

Yeah, Resting home.

[John Holmberg]

They got all their good ideas from that.

[Dick Toledo]

Paint it black under my thumb.

[John Holmberg]

That's right. I neck. You remember that time that bird came to the house? We Eiffel towered her while she was high incapacitated, of course. Remember that? But we, we, we keep it down. Right?

[Dick Toledo]

Other people are working with brown sugar.

[John Holmberg]

I'm going to go rub down brown sugar. Right? That's great words. We'll write that down. Taste so good. Don't taste it, Keith. Right, So I had to give her a lick, mate. That's what I do. I lick the old people. They're salty.

[Dick Toledo]

I know you'll be excited about this. Mindy Kaling's velma series on HBO Max is the worst rated animated show in IMDb history.

[John Holmberg]

I am excited about that.

[Dick Toledo]

It has a rating of 1.3 out of 10.

[John Holmberg]

Yikes.

[Dick Toledo]

And more than 52,000 votes from users.

[John Holmberg]

And it's just Velma as a standalone. Not Scooby, not Shaggy, not Fred, not Daphne. The hot one. Lesbian Velma making her way through other.

[Dick Toledo]

The taco land she's going through.

[John Holmberg]

Just privately investigating a bunch of labia. Like, I guess she needs us after all, Scoob. Bruh. Dyke. Don't be rude, Scooby. Scooby snacks. Oliver. Scooby snacks tasted like fish.

[Dick Toledo]

Razzie, yesterday we heard about Pamela Anderson chilling away for her documentary that's coming out out. And she had that story about Tim Allen flashing her home improvement set. And he's like, no, did not happen.

[John Holmberg]

But it wasn't a dirty flash. To be fair. She keeps saying, I'm not mad at him. I just said he did it. Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

And he's denying it all together. Well, now she's accusing solicitors to loan propositioning her.

[John Holmberg]

Everyone propositioned her.

[Dick Toledo]

She says, he offered me a condo and a Porsche to be his number one girl. And he says, that's the best offer you're gonna get. Honey, you're in Hollywood now.

[John Holmberg]

Okay, so it was a poor offer. It was poorly placed.

[Dick Toledo]

Does that mean there's a number two?

[John Holmberg]

Yes.

[Brady Bogan]

You got a portion of condo?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Pipe down. All you have to do is be hot.

[Dick Toledo]

She says, I wanted to be in love. I didn't want anything less than that.

[John Holmberg]

So you turn it down and you move on.

[Dick Toledo]

Stallone denies it.

[John Holmberg]

I, I, I'm, I'm mad at Stallone for denying it. That's a nice thing. That's what he had to offer.

[Dick Toledo]

She was denying parties. Like maybe part of a condo that I had owned. But I'd never offer a Porsche.

[John Holmberg]

Maybe not. Here's the thing. If five or six people are trying to hire you, you're in demand. The person with the best offer is going to be the one you go with. So Stallone threw his pitch. Yo, you know, I know you can get, you know, D anywhere you want, but can you get a condo and a nice 911 heaven? There's on the table the best offer you're gonna. It's like Shark Tank.

[Dick Toledo]

I was just gonna say yeah.

[John Holmberg]

And for that reason, and I'm out. And that's all she says. You know what? I'm gonna. I'm gonna weigh my options. That's nice, but I don't think that's the best I can do. I'm looking for love. Can't over any love. You know, I already got that. Adrian. So he couldn't offer her love. He tried to offer some stuff in the early 90s. Every guy wanted to just simply throw the D in. Pamela, she's waiting to go. All right, what's in it for me? A condo and a Porsche. I had a blown sly for that.

[Dick Toledo]

She went with the rock star.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. She went for what ended up being Tommy Lee and the disaster and Kid Rock, Bret Michaels, and then the movie producer guy. And she's back and forth with. She hosed a lot of dudes. That was not going to be hard for her. What was going to be hard was somebody locking her in. Had to be a hell of an offer. If Tripp offered me an amount of money and said, you know, I know that there's five other stations that want you. And the amount of money was kind of piddly. And then the Morning Mess was like, we'll give you a portion of condo in the same amount that he's going to get. I'm taking the portion of condo, and I'm going to start doing, you know what I read in Glamour magazine trivia over at the Morning Mess and like, a crank call every three minutes.

[Dick Toledo]

You've been over to LA and checked out some celebrity gravestones.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Here's a few more that you might not know. Bob Ross.

[John Holmberg]

I know he's got one.

[Dick Toledo]

He's got a portrait in the words television artist Merv Griffin.

[John Holmberg]

Where are they buried?

[Dick Toledo]

It doesn't say where they're buried.

[John Holmberg]

You can find that on findagrave.com Big fan of that.

[Dick Toledo]

Seriously?

[John Holmberg]

Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Merv Griffin, creator of Jeopardy. And Wheel of Fortune. I thought you went by this one, but it says, I will not be right back after this message.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know.

[Dick Toledo]

Mel Blanc.

[John Holmberg]

That's all, folks.

[Dick Toledo]

Yep. Corey Haim.

[John Holmberg]

That's all, folks.

[Dick Toledo]

Has his nickname, Hamster.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, the hamster's on there.

[Dick Toledo]

Chris Cornell.

[John Holmberg]

I did go by Corey Hames. And the funny thing was, instead of flowers, they just sprinkle crack on it. Yeah. They put sadness and crack on his grave.

[Dick Toledo]

Chris Cornell says voice of our generation in An Artist for All Time.

[John Holmberg]

Deny that. You can find out where all that, like, the Internet is amazing. Because, you see. Where's Chris Cornell? Buried. And not only will it show you, it'll show you exactly in the cemetery and it'll show you the tombstone. Like, there's some people that go around, take those pictures and put them up there. And then one website has all of it. And it is great. If you ever go to Forest Lawn, if you're ever in Burbank. I know there's a lot to do in Los Angeles, but when you're a weirdo like me, Burbank or Glendale, California, two of the most magnificently beautiful museums are our cemeteries. And Forest Lawn is stunning. And you'll run across celebrities. It's like celebrity sighting. And they can't run away.

[Dick Toledo]

According to a survey by one poll, the greatest video game of all time.

[John Holmberg]

Of all time.

[Dick Toledo]

Go. Top five.

[John Holmberg]

Well, Pac Man.

[Dick Toledo]

Pac man number five.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. I mean, are we talking about, like, video games that change the world or like John Madden type stuff? Because Madden's just football.

[Brady Bogan]

Arcade games. Are we talking.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Arcade. Or home? Or I mean, just Donkey Kong, Mario and Luigi, which was never a Mario.

[Dick Toledo]

Kart number number two.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah. Okay.

[Brady Bogan]

So it's home. It's home.

[Dick Toledo]

And Super Mario World. Number three.

[Brady Bogan]

Super Mario Brothers.

[John Holmberg]

Gotta be it. Number one's gotta be Asteroid or Pong.

[Dick Toledo]

Grand Theft Auto Number four.

[John Holmberg]

Maybe not. We're going into that. Well, Grand Theft Auto, that series is the greatest of all time. So you're probably talking about Halo or something.

[Brady Bogan]

Call of Duty's gonna do FIFA.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, so the sports do count, I guess. Worldwide, probably a bunch of Euro trash plants soccer on there.

[Dick Toledo]

2, 000 adults were surveyed. Got some cancellations. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Garbage. Yeah.

[Dick Toledo]

Call of Duty was number six. TV cancellations. Cobra Kai will end after its upcoming sixth season.

[John Holmberg]

Good. It's a team.

[Brady Bogan]

One time.

[Dick Toledo]

Ronnie is bummed out. NCIS Los Angeles coming to an end.

[John Holmberg]

After A hundred seasons.

[Dick Toledo]

Fourteen seasons. 300. 322 episodes. That's LL Cool J and Chris O'Donnell. May 14th.

[John Holmberg]

Mysteries for the Dim, I call it. Oh, wow. No offense to Ronnie, but, I mean, if she's enjoying that. She's not. She's not doing a lot of brain work on it, that's for sure. Yeah. Controversy. Oh, John, I know somebody who works at Forest Lawn. And the area where the big celebrities are buried is actually gated off. There's some of that. You cannot just be average person and gain entrance. Well, I haven't. Have some experience with it. Okay.

[Brady Bogan]

Killjoy.

[John Holmberg]

There are in the mausoleum. There's some stuff you can't get to. Right. I was with you in that area. I've been in that. So when you go up and walk the grounds there's a few like Clark Gable and a few big ones that are in gated areas that you can peek through but you can't get in the gate. There's a museum there with American history artifacts you won't believe. There's stuff from World War II that we had shipped over when Poland had to hide all its riches because the Nazis were a coming. It's there, you don't even know it. It's amazing artwork and stuff like that. And then you know the middle. I went to Walt Disney's thing because the gate was open. It's not like these 20 foot walls some are. But there's a few little areas they've boxed off that you can't get. Like Michael Jackson's inside the Moslem you can't go to. Right? Yeah, I remember because I asked you where Michael was. He's in there and you got to go and. But you can go in and I think there's like George Burns, like there's a few you can go walk through.

[Dick Toledo]

Bob Hope, you showed me.

[John Holmberg]

I don't know, probably we walked around cuz the doors are open. You can go right in. It's out of control now.