BEST OF HMS PODCAST - COMBINED SEGMENTS - Monday - 12-30-24

Summary

Holmberg's Morning Sickness - Arizona: Best of HMS Podcast - Combined Segments (12-30-24)
Release Date: December 30, 2024
Host: John Holmberg with Brady Bogen, Bret Vesely, Dick Toledo, and occasional guest Alec Baldwin

---

1. Farewell to Local Newsmen

Timestamp: [02:18 - 07:00]

The episode opens with a heartfelt yet humorous discussion about the departure of beloved local news personalities from Channel 15 and Channel 12.
Brady:
"The Channel 15 newsman has decided that he's no longer going to be on our TVs anymore... Steve Irwin is leaving."
Dick Toledo:
"And she can't take it anymore because all she does is talk about her kids..."
The hosts reminisce about memorable moments, including Brady's funny anecdote about Steve Irwin attempting to kick field goals while injured, highlighting the lighthearted camaraderie among the team.

2. Relationship Dynamics and Household Chores

Timestamp: [07:00 - 15:00]

A significant portion of the conversation delves into relationship advice, particularly focusing on communication and the division of household responsibilities.
Brady:
"She needs you to appreciate me... If you're gonna be that way, I'm going to be this way."
The hosts explore common pitfalls in relationships, such as passive-aggressive behaviors and feelings of being undervalued. They emphasize the importance of mutual appreciation and clear communication to maintain harmony at home.

3. Suns Game Experience and Communication Barriers

Timestamp: [45:42 - 53:08]

Brady shares his experience attending a Phoenix Suns game, which turns into a comedic recount of interacting with deaf spectators.
Brady:
"I was crushing him. But then, oh, you're funny, now you're trying to kiss my hemi."
The segment humorously highlights the challenges of non-verbal communication and the hosts' struggles to effectively engage with audience members facing such barriers.

4. Critique of Camel Beauty Contests in Saudi Arabia

Timestamp: [57:32 - 65:00]

In a satirical take on international events, the hosts discuss the disqualification of camels in Saudi beauty contests for receiving Botox enhancements.
Brady:
"Check out those camels with their Instagram-worthy lips and oversized features. It's Botox for camels!"
The conversation mocks the lengths to which competitors go to win, drawing parallels between animal beauty standards and human vanity.

5. Hemorrhoid Rants and Health Humor

Timestamp: [118:00 - 155:00]

A recurring humorous segment features Bret expressing exaggerated discomfort from hemorrhoids, leading to a series of jokes and supportive banter from the hosts.
Bret:
"I had a fourth grader's thumb in my ass last night. I need help!"
Toledo:
"Maybe try some sandpaper and bread ties, Brett."
The light-hearted approach to discussing a sensitive health issue showcases the hosts' ability to find humor in everyday struggles.

6. Alec Baldwin's "Fill in the Blanks" Game Show

Timestamp: [106:18 - 152:15]

A comedic game segment hosted by Alec Baldwin engages the team in filling in missing words from famous quotes, often leading to humorous and inappropriate completions.
Alec Baldwin:
"If I said to you, Brady, music's so loud. If I said to you, Brady, I didn't pull the blank, the answer was ‘trigger.’"
Brady:
"Would be trigger."
The segment parodies traditional game shows by incorporating edgy and controversial content, resulting in laughs and playful tensions among the hosts.

7. Absurd Storytelling and Nonsense Conversations

Timestamp: [152:16 - 157:02]

Towards the end, the conversation devolves into nonsensical banter about fictional characters like "Ishka Bibble" and exaggerated scenarios involving toilet mishaps and humorous misunderstandings.
Brady:
"Ishka Bibble was the monkey that led the wise men to Jesus. It's just a word we made up."
Toledo:
"It's a master of lies and trickery, like a little devil."
The hosts engage in playful absurdity, showcasing their chemistry and improvisational skills by riffing on made-up terms and slapstick humor.

8. Conclusion and Closing Remarks

Timestamp: [157:02 - End]

The episode winds down with promotional segments for upcoming events and sponsors, maintaining the show's blend of humor and local engagement.
John Holmberg:
"This entertainment drill is brought to you by Action Ride Shop. Check them out [e-mail] or visit them in person."
The final moments reinforce the show's commitment to community involvement and entertainment, leaving listeners anticipating future episodes.

---

Notable Quotes:

• Brady on Steve Irwin's Injury:
  "He ripped his hamstring off of his bone and tore a Capezio."
  [03:04]

• Brett on Hemorrhoids:
  "I have a fourth grader's thumb in my ass last night."
  [121:01]

• Alec Baldwin on the Game Show:
  "If I said to you, Brady, music's so loud. If I said to you, Brady, I didn't pull the blank, the answer was ‘trigger.’"
  [105:51]

• Brady on Relationship Communication:
  "You gotta have the guts to say, all right, I understand what you're doing."
  [127:37]

---

Insights and Conclusions:

"Holmberg's Morning Sickness" effectively blends humor, personal anecdotes, and satirical commentary to engage its Arizona audience. Through lively discussions and playful banter, the hosts tackle a variety of topics—from local news changes and relationship dynamics to absurd international events and health-related humor. The inclusion of interactive segments like Alec Baldwin's game show adds a dynamic layer, encouraging listener engagement and showcasing the hosts' improvisational talents. Overall, the episode exemplifies the show's mission to entertain, question, and disturb its audience in an engaging and memorable manner.

Transcript

[John Holmberg]

All right, HMS Podcast, time again to let you know where to go for some great comedy in the Valley this week. Get out to the Tempe Improv on the east side to see Paul Versey on Thursday and Beth Stelling Friday, Saturday and Sunday. The Desert Ridge Improv up North features Sarah Weinschenk this Thursday and Joe DeRosa on Friday and Saturday. And downtown at Stand Up Live, check out the very funny Lil Rel performing Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

[Brady]

For the complete lineups.

[John Holmberg]

And for tickets, go to standuplive.com desertridgeimprov.com.

[Brady]

And tempeimprov.com it's John Holberg here. For the amazing people at the Core Institute, life can throw you a curveball now and again. One day you're trucking along, feeling great. Next day your dog smashes into your head and knocks you cold. Or like a KUPD listener told me this week, his dog did a sprint across the backyard directly into the side of his wife's leg and blew her knee up. She needed that need to get fixed and fixed right. Two years later, she's running like she used to again. And it's all thanks to the Core Institute. I went through it too, and you can get rid of your pain and start saying yes I can to all the things you want to do and and all you have to do is trust the experts at the Core Institute. Head there right now. The Core Institute.com college hoops are here.

[Toledo]

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[Brady]

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[Toledo]

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[Brady]

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[Brett]

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[Brady]

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[Toledo]

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[Brady]

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[Toledo]

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[Brady]

The original wing joined since 1983.

[Eric]

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[Brett]

Do not listen to this while driving or when full alertness is needed.

[Alec Baldwin]

The best of Holmberg's morning sickness. This is the Big Red Radio.

[Brady]

And then some terribly sad news happened over the last week. I guess you guys paid attention to this. He's leaving 15. He said what? Steve Irwin is not gonna be on channel. Irvin Irwin. Don't remember his name. The Channel 15 newsman has decided. He has announced that he's no longer going to be on our TVs anymore. So we don't get those magnificent promos on ABC anymore, where in the middle of the evening, he just looks at you and goes, a local councilman was found in women's panties.

[Brett]

What?

[Brady]

And then tonight at 11. Oh, it's great.

[John Holmberg]

So are him and Kimmy Q starting their own network now?

[Brady]

They must be. Kimmy Q's gone her last weekend.

[Toledo]

Gonna run for governor.

[Brett]

Maybe he does. Oh, is that what's going on?

[Eric]

Lisa follows him. She's very upset.

[Brady]

She's bothered about Steve Irwin. Even too well. Tell her I said thanks. I love that guy. My classic story. I have to tell it again. My classic story of Steve standing in front of me at the NFL Experience when the super bowl was here a few years ago and we're kicking field goals and he's doing it for the news. Brady in his news clothes, pair of floor shines on, I think some cheap shoes, newsman shoes. And he's booting 30 yarders in Newsman shoes on the turf. And it's easy. And he's good from 45. So they move it back to 35 yards. And then you hear the guy go, hey, Steve, five minutes. We're going live. All right, I just need a few more practice kicks. Boots.

[Alec Baldwin]

Boom.

[Brady]

35. Man, this guy's smashing him. All right, one minute, Steve. We're going live. All right, one more. Yay. My hammy. And he just screams it at the top of his lungs. He screams, my hammy. Rips his hamstring off of his bone.

[Toledo]

And tore a Capezio.

[Brady]

And they're like 5, 4, 3. But I have to, too. I'm Steve Irwin from the NFL Experience. I just tore my hammy and they made him kick it anyway. The poor bastard had to try to kick a field goal. So I'm laughing hysterically. Hilarious. Look at this guy. And he has to do his noose thing. And then I'm next. And I go up. Boom. I knock a 30 yarder stiff guy's like, you wanted five more. I'm like, yeah, add five to that next kick. Yeah, my hammy. I did the exact same thing. Although I didn't make a big scene. I just said I'm good.

[Toledo]

Did you go old school straight on or did you come up?

[Brady]

Oh, no, I know how to kick a field goal.

[Brett]

Oh yeah.

[Brady]

I was dead straight too. I could curve it.

[John Holmberg]

I could throw the Sabi gold kick in there.

[Brady]

It was beautiful. And you know, end over end, a good tumble. You had a nice kick going. But then I pulled my hamstring something fierce and I didn't, I didn't make a noise like Steve Irwin. That was the noise he made. And I just, I couldn't stop laughing.

[Brett]

I walked out and man goes, you.

[Brady]

Were kicking him good. I'm like, yep, I ripped my hamstring right off. It's gone.

[Toledo]

Really?

[Brady]

Just like. Yep, just like, just keep walking. Cause I was laughing too hard at that guy to make him know. I'm gonna start limping pretty severely here in about 10 more steps. That's it. So he can't see it.

[Toledo]

That was the moment the hip was first team.

[Brady]

Who knows? Yeah, the whole thing's a disaster. But I ripped that hamstring off. It's just proof that you shouldn't. And they, you know, nobody cared like the NFL. They care about health and player safety. They don't care about yours at all because two dudes just smashed their hamstring. All right, next. People getting hurt constantly in that thing. It was great. But Steve will miss you because I'll never forget that night watching tv. Said, sniffing girls panties. A congressman tonight at ted, like I'm watching that newscast. He was the king of teases.

[Brett]

Well, I hope his health's all right.

[Brady]

I didn't know that's why he's quitting. Figured he's quitting because the writing's on the wall for all local television. All local television news is unwatched except for by me. Zero. They're cutting back over at the Three Five. Nobody's going to be working there anymore. Yeah, Channel 12. I don't think anybody's even watched Channel 12 for, I don't know, six, seven years. I think that one's just off. Fox is no, no longer a local news channel.

[Toledo]

They start selling merchandise or something. Yeah, unless it's the morning show and QVC combo.

[Brady]

That's true. They have to start giving. Well, that's what Channel 3 does with the local steals and deals. There's like three minute commercials every two minutes of that Lisa Robertson selling you a flashlight stuff. The morning shows still do great. That Hayden guy, that Troy Hayden, you know, Mr. Zoo Man.

[Toledo]

Troy Morcom.

[Brady]

That's right. Troy Morcom. Troy Morcom, we call. He's over there at channel 10. He got. He was smart writing on the wall and got in there with that. Celeste Rodriguez did mornings, but the night news is done.

[Alec Baldwin]

Done.

[Brady]

In fact, I tuned in two nights ago, I guess three nights ago. Channel 12.

[Alec Baldwin]

12 News with Mark Curtis and Kariba Divine.

[Brady]

And then just an empty desk for 30 minutes.

[Brett]

They didn't even.

[Brady]

They didn't even do a show that night. Nobody noticed. Nobody said a thing.

[Brett]

Why bother?

[Brady]

Nobody wants to watch that anymore. You get your news on your phone. It's true. Nobody's watching some of that stuff. But they're all quitting. They're all leaving us. You've talked to Mark Curtis still? Is he. Yeah. Is he about done? He's wanting to quit. Right.

[Toledo]

It's a job. He said, you know, he's been doing a long time, too.

[Brady]

Forever.

[Toledo]

It is. Yeah.

[Brady]

People forget that Groucho. Mark Curtis has been at this. In this city outside of a few years away when he went to Minnesota.

[Toledo]

Yep.

[Brett]

For like 40 years now.

[Toledo]

Yeah.

[Brady]

He was the sports guy when I was a kid.

[Toledo]

Yep.

[Brady]

I don't know how old Mark is, but he's got to be pushing 80. 85. He's. He looks great.

[Toledo]

87.

[Brady]

He looks fantastic. Whatever Grecian he's on is good stuff.

[Brett]

And I also noticed, and you might.

[Brady]

Want to talk about this with Mark, that Caribe no longer wears a ring.

[Toledo]

Yeah.

[Brady]

Is that a thing?

[John Holmberg]

What?

[Toledo]

We'll find out. I'll find out.

[Brady]

That's why I'm leaving the news to court. Caribe divine, tonight at 10. Is that real?

[Toledo]

I don't know.

[Brady]

You don't know yet. I noticed that she's no longer in a. Michael.

[John Holmberg]

Michael Higgins sent this over. He always tracks down. Yeah, he tracks it down.

[Brady]

This is the best. Listen to sniffing a child's panties. Outrage over a judge's ruling on a former U.S. marshal. That's the child's panties. That was. I was watching the Bachelor, and then Steve Irwin comes on, goes sniffing a child's panties. Like, whoa, what story is this? And then the other one was. You're not gonna believe what this Uber driver, he said, what? And evidently somebody called their Uber driver an N word. And it was all on some tape and stuff. I remember that he said, what? It's the best.

[John Holmberg]

I think we're getting the best of.

[Brady]

I'm gonna miss that guy. There's another one from Irvin.

[John Holmberg]

Another one?

[Brady]

Erwin. Is it Irwin or Irvin? What? Irvin. Oh, that's it. I. I exaggerate. Wow.

[John Holmberg]

Asking you shall receive.

[Brady]

That's pretty good. Thank you to our list for storing all that stuff. Why? What is Uber driver.

[Toledo]

That's right. If it was er. When he be the crocodile.

[Brady]

Yeah. I don't know which one he. But he's quitting. Find out about that Karibay thing because I already told Winston. Because we've got a bet on who Karibe likes more, me or him. And I've. I've met her a couple of times. She took to me. So Wynn and I have a deal on. But I don't think she's wearing that ring anymore. She might have to make him a move. But they didn't. But I did notice that she had a bunch of kids when I saw her at the. And you know where I met. Yes. Ask where I met her.

[John Holmberg]

Where did you meet her?

[Brady]

At the Africa Festival.

[Alec Baldwin]

Of course you did.

[Brady]

Well, that's rude. I stood out like a sore thumb.

[Brett]

That's what I'm saying.

[Brady]

Everybody met me that day.

[John Holmberg]

You were the token dude trade.

[Brady]

Oh, I was the token. Some dude tried to sell me a dashiki and I'm like. And I told him, I don't think I can wear this because why not? I'm like a little thing called appropriation. I'm like, where am I gonna wear this? And he goes, you can wear it anywhere you want. I'm like, I don't think you're. I think you're trying to get me shot. Can you imagine me walking around in one of those circle hats and a big. I got this at Africa Festival over at the Kiwanis Park. But I saw Caribbe Divine there. Talked to her a little bit about how awful Winston is. It worked out great. You don't know him, but he's terrible. And he's gonna probably bother you.

[Alec Baldwin]

Yeah.

[Brady]

Did you text Mark?

[Brett]

I did.

[Brady]

And ask him, why isn't Kirby wearing a ring? John noticed. Oh, Creepy Divine and Love Twist with me tonight at 10.

[Brett]

Ooo.

[Brady]

Well, I hate to see him go. And I didn't know that Toledo's wife was trying to cuck with him, but.

[Toledo]

Evidently in tears all weekend.

[Brady]

I've never been in tears over a news person leaving before Cameron Harper's gone. No, no, not Royal Norman. Old school. No.

[Brett]

No.

[Brady]

Oh, the day that Royal Norman announces it's his last day.

[Brett]

Oh.

[Brady]

Oh. No, I don't get that upset about it. Cameron Harper was pretty great. I remember I watched Cameron Harper cry because he watched an execution. It was years that did it for.

[Toledo]

Was it?

[Brady]

He is about finished with everything after that. I think he. I think he reevaluated life. Because before he's like, I'm going in as a newsman. I have a media pass. I'm gonna watch this execution because they allow some media to do it. And I'll tell you exactly. He came out white as a ghost, tears in his eyes.

[Alec Baldwin]

I. I don't ever wanna. That was.

[Brady]

Any questions? And I'm like, what did you see?

[Alec Baldwin]

Oh, horror.

[Brady]

Why did you do this?

[Alec Baldwin]

I don't know. I shouldn't have done it.

[Toledo]

Like Burl Ives at the beginning of Rudolph.

[Alec Baldwin]

So cool.

[Brady]

And then they told me what happens? Well, these pellets dropped, and then there's like this gas. And you can see the guy gasping for. Oh, oh, oh. I don't wanna. I don't want to talk about it.

[John Holmberg]

What did you expect, right?

[Brady]

You're watching the dude slow die. Yeah. Oh, the gas chamber is horrifying. Yeah, it's called the Gas Chamber. Kind of. It's in the title. No. And Cameron didn't like that. Then he quit. Heidi, focus on quit. All of them quit.

[Toledo]

Sharp hung in there.

[Brett]

Who he?

[Brady]

Jim's Radio News. That doesn't count.

[Toledo]

I know, but he saw Jeremy could.

[Brady]

Get a job in radio. Nobody. Jim Sharp, one of the dopiest friends I had.

[Toledo]

Well, he's the only other one I.

[Brady]

Know that watched one that watches the news.

[Brett]

Oh, watch.

[Brady]

Oh, watch an excuse. Oh, I thought you were talking about. He got rocked by no different than Brett going in there. Radio people have absolutely zero training and they just happen to be on a channel that hires them. It's the. It's you look. Radio news people get too much credit. It's who hires you? He tried.

[Brett]

He.

[Brady]

He worked at like 30 different radio or news station, said, you want to try this? He's like, yeah, I'll do that.

[Toledo]

I'm just trying them out. Witnessing an execution.

[Brady]

He shouldn't have had those tickets either.

[Toledo]

He applied. He was all excited.

[Brady]

Yeah, he shouldn't have gotten, though. He should have scalped them. There's no great seats.

[John Holmberg]

You're right over here and he's moving over here.

[Brady]

How bad would it be if you're there and you're like, I'm sorry, this is section 102 and you're in. Oh, geez, I'm in the wrong seats. I thought this, so it's not very clearly marked.

[Toledo]

I red rope.

[Brady]

Popcorn. Catch a red rope. Last meal. Last meal here. Red licorice. Just like his face is about to turn. Red licorice.

[Eric]

Usher, I believe these people are in our seats.

[Brady]

Usher's there. Oh.

[Brett]

Oh.

[Brady]

Yeah. Usher's here. Watch what he did.

[Brett]

Ooh.

[Brady]

I'm still gonna miss Steve. But I don't watch the news. I only watch for the pro. I watch. And Brandon Lee's gone. All of them. The writing's on the wall. The local news is over. It's over. Completely over. And I feel bad for all those.

[Eric]

You think Covid took him down, or you think it's just a natural progression?

[Brady]

Omicron.

[Alec Baldwin]

Sam Witwicky. I am Omicron.

[Toledo]

I hope they can defeat him.

[Brady]

No, they can't, Brady.

[Brett]

It's not.

[Alec Baldwin]

Omicron is undefeatable.

[Brady]

Yeah. Anyway, so hopefully Steve doesn't have the omicron and he can't be around it, but all of them are quitting. It's just gonna be a. A whole prediction one year from now. Local news. A bunch of fat former homecoming queens that still want attention. That's it. That's all you're gonna see. Still have their bubble hair. They're the big blonde hair, but they're all gonna be way overweight because that's all that will want the job, because hot girls aren't going to want to do it anymore. So there's a lot of overweight former homecoming queens that can't get over the fact no one's paying attention to them anymore. So they have to have a camera pointed out, and they'll read about babies drowning in fires and stuff and feel like they're pretty still. That's it. That's local news in a nutshell. And Mark Curtis, who's just going to ride it out while they still throw.

[Alec Baldwin]

Money at him, but he doesn't want.

[Brady]

To be there either.

[Eric]

So here's his post.

[Brady]

I'm leaving now. Bye.

[Eric]

For the last 15 months, I've been preoccupied with an equation. On August 17, 2020, I woke up feeling chest pains. Went to the hospital, underwent a series of tests, discovered a 70 to 80% blockage.

[Brady]

Geez, Louise. He's in decent shape. Yeah. So that's.

[Eric]

That's basically what's gonna. He was looking at the widowmaker.

[Brett]

Yeesh.

[Brady]

So they. So he doesn't want to do news anymore. That's too much stress for him. Reading news to you guys has caused me to want to blow up in the internals, and then he left the. And you heard him leaving the Channel 15 parking lot. And you heard road hog.

[Toledo]

What?

[Brady]

Traffic on Amish school is terr today. We'll be right back. Anyway, let's. I'm wearing the right shirt, then I be stroking. Shirt is on. Yes, Brady does not like talking of 70 to 80% blockage.

[Eric]

Maybe you should listen to Steve.

[Toledo]

That guy's a skinny mini.

[Brady]

Maybe I should stop doing this.

[Eric]

30% of people, he says with blockages of mine or more have no symptom.

[Brady]

Oh, all the symptoms.

[Toledo]

I've got all.

[Brady]

He's got every symptom you can imagine.

[John Holmberg]

He's quite ready.

[Brady]

He can't read three word sentences.

[Eric]

You're fine, you're fine.

[Brady]

Barely ticking. He's got pills for that.

[Eric]

You're on top of it.

[Brady]

I had to quit my job because of blockage. And he can still do news. I don't like it one bit. Oh, dog. Anyway, I did like him a lot, but he's gone terrible. And then Kimmy Q leaves the Saturday show because that Kylie Cruz came on and started bragging about her engagement. Kimmy couldn't take it, Broker. It broke her.

[Alec Baldwin]

I'm convinced that has something to do.

[Brady]

With why she quit. Because all she does is when my fiance and I.

[John Holmberg]

She's still throwing that ring out there.

[Brady]

All the studio lights catching, just blinding.

[Brett]

Kimmy Q.

[Alec Baldwin]

It's like I can't take it anymore.

[Brady]

And then they got this other lady in there. Now that makes Kylie feel bad because all she talks about is how many babies she's had in the last year.

[Alec Baldwin]

Like nine.

[Brady]

She's like Baby factor Octomon porn on her. And she's like, oh. And she can't get through a story without saying, oh, my youngest or her kids. It could be a house fire where 40 people died. My youngest was playing with matches. She can't not talk about.

[John Holmberg]

Change the goddamn shit.

[Brady]

Well, no, you can't help it because I'm not watching for them talking. I'm watching for the other one's reaction. They're only in it to make the other one mad. And that's why Kimmy left. Just a cesspool of passive aggressive behavior. And then they did this once for two babies found in a bottom of a swimming pool and El Mirage today. And any woman worth her salt is engaged. We'll be right back. It's like, oh, that Kimmy Q just took a shot for no reason. A baby drowning story.

[Toledo]

Forget the baby story.

[Brady]

Any woman worth her salt has a ring on her finger. Isn't that right?

[Brett]

Let's check weather.

[Brady]

Kimmy. Oh, I see your hands are empty. My arms hurt so bad from carrying.

[Brett]

This giant diamond around all day.

[Brady]

Kimmy, you wouldn't know, but it's. It takes a lot out of you. It's like carrying babies. But you wouldn't know, Kylie, because clearly your ovaries are all dried up. They hate each other. I watch for the drama.

[Alec Baldwin]

It's great.

[Brady]

Well, anyway, good luck to Steve. He doesn't know me. I don't know him. I always stood behind him in line at the NFL Experience to watch him rip his hamstring. That's our closest encounter. But I became a fan that day because he went and kicked another one. That's truly into it. Pulled a hamstring. Dude went out there and tried to boot a. I've been hitting him the whole time. He screams at the camera after.

[Brett]

I've been hitting these one after another.

[Brady]

But then, anyway, back to you, Katie. And he hobbles out of it.

[Toledo]

Yeah.

[Brady]

Yeah. You guys saw it. I was crushing him. Yeah, I did. No, you were killing it. Yeah, yeah. See? See? See? Ye. It's these goddamn hot valves. See? I hope he's all right. Did he get that cleared up? It's like, you don't make a post and get better and quit the news. You have to go to a doctor. Part of the process quitting the news is. Yeah, plenty of news guys have had, like, Larry King had, like, a heart attack. I'm having a heart attack right now. We talked to Piers Morgan. Baltimore, you're on Baltimore, hello? While I have my cardio and Fox and you go ahead and tell Piers Morgan what you think of him. God damn it. Anyway, we're back from that commercial break where I had two heart attacks for the eighth time. Brady. Houston, hello. Yes. No, I'm currently in the middle of one. Houston, will you marry me? Houston, you sound great. I'd like to propose. You got it, Larry. Hi, Larry. Hello, Houston. How are you? Please go. Hi. We just want to say, by the way, I just finished. Geez. Will you be my bride? The late Larry King and his 5,000 heart attacks. And Steve Irwin gets in blockage and he bails. Brady, you're a trooper. 70, 80% blockage. That guy. When you're. When you're a C student in blockage. Fine.

[Alec Baldwin]

Cute.

[Brady]

Don't quit your job. Get like Brady. He's on the honor roll. He's in 92% blockage, and that guy still shows up every morning.

[Alec Baldwin]

Arizona's most powerful rock radio station.

[Brady]

He Said fully erect. Cease and desist at once.

[Alec Baldwin]

The rest of home birth's morning sickness. This is the big red radio.

[Brady]

Then you got this guy another one. This email came this morning, says, I just wanted you guys on my favorite show to know that if you hear about a mysterious death this weekend of a man whose girlfriend is four months pregnant, it wasn't mysterious, it's murder. My chick has gone crazy and I'm breaking up with her on Saturday. She is four months pregnant. I'm going to take care of the kid. That's not the issue. I don't know what's happened to her since she's become pregnant. She has lost her mind, she's violent, she's mean, and I hate her. I will not name names because if she hears this before I dump her, she'll preemptively strike and possibly kill me. So just pay attention to the news for my sake. She's gone insane. Gh. So if there's a story on the news this weekend of a crying pregnant woman and her dead husband, and the initials happen to be GH we know. We know. We're on. We're on the case. Thanks for the update.

[John Holmberg]

Staying out of this.

[Toledo]

Gh.

[Brady]

Okay. Breaking up with a pregnant lady at four months isn't exactly going to make her more stable, though. If she's nuts and you're still there, I think this weekend might be a bad plan. I think maybe you should just start ignoring her.

[John Holmberg]

Leave now.

[Brady]

Well, if you.

[Toledo]

The hormones, you know, when they're pregnant can jump around, but, yeah, I think it will make matters worse.

[Brady]

But if you think she's gone nuts now, this is with you still there. I think Brett's right. If you just disappear for a while, but make it so she can't find you, don't break up with her. Just don't show up anymore or sit there and tolerate it.

[Toledo]

Then there's after the fact.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Brady]

Oh, you're gonna have to see her again. Yeah.

[Eric]

Pardon me, because I've got the cold sweats. My ex wife was mean as a.

[Brady]

Snake when she was pregnant and when she wasn't.

[Eric]

Now take that and amplify it with pregnancy hormones.

[Brady]

I've heard the calls. I know. Yeah. She wasn't pregnant when she was screaming it. No. No call. Yeah. I think she's barren at that point. She birthed out.

[Toledo]

That was a good. That was a good day, that call for Toledo.

[Brady]

Oh, yeah.

[Toledo]

It was a bad day for Chad.

[Brady]

Yeah, Chad was the one. That's right. I'll never forget that. I Got a call from someone else, dude. I got a voicemail from Toledo's wife and I think she. She butt dialed me and it is insane. And he sent it to me and I'm like, whoa. She was losing her mind. And I thought. And then I sent it to you and you're like, yep, that's about right. When she gave birth, she just launched out all the birthing materials too. Baby, ovaries, uterus.

[Eric]

Now imagine her uncomfortable, can't move because she's pregnant. She's got a giant headed baby inside of her. Did you think you have to live with her?

[Brady]

Did you think you were gonna leave? Like, did it run through? Oh, God, no. She'd hunt me down. See, that's the thing I'm worried about. Take Toledo's advice.

[Toledo]

Stay.

[Brady]

Stick around through the pregnancy. Yeah, hold. Oh, I can't do it.

[Brett]

Get out of here, Wedge. You're no good to us.

[Brady]

Hold.

[Toledo]

Stay on target.

[Brady]

Yeah, just. Exactly. Just. I. I don't think it's a good idea to leave a pregnant lady who's already shown. Like, the reason you want to leave her is because she's nuts. Because she's pregnant. You leaving is not going to help.

[Toledo]

Makes it worse.

[Brady]

You way worse. You have to keep dealing with her.

[Eric]

You have to sympathize with the guy because this is four months in, he's got five more to go.

[Brady]

Well, unless if he gets lucky and it preemies up. Well, no, I mean, she might preemie. You can start roofing up. You still got take her to the canyon.

[Eric]

You still got four months. In that case, it could level out.

[Brady]

That's true. If all things go the way they're supposed to. I mean, I'd have her in like, bounce houses and jump arounds. I'd be taking her four wheeling every week. And we're gonna get this thing shook out. I'm gonna. She's like a can of Dr. Pepper. I'm shaking that thing until it pops.

[Toledo]

They get in those baby classes.

[Brady]

Lamaze.

[Toledo]

Yeah.

[Alec Baldwin]

I don't know if she's.

[Eric]

I don't take her to a class. You're smoking crack.

[Brady]

Yeah, yeah. You don't take the crazy one.

[Eric]

Yell at the instructor.

[Brady]

I think it is the, you know, upon further review, probably not the best option to, you know, throw a little gas on the fire that's already kind of smoldering. Yeah. I wouldn't break up with the pregnant girl you got because it's never going to go away. And then she's going to use the kid as leverage. Because you left while she was pregnant. Document. That's what I would say. Start documenting here. Here at month four, start documenting all the things that she's done. Crazy.

[Eric]

Unless you're like one of those dudes on those bad detective shows that's got a guy that can get you, you know, like, documents, new. New id, new identification, and you can just disappear. She'll find you.

[Brady]

Yeah, if you can go full on. Better call Saul.

[John Holmberg]

You need to Robert Fisher this.

[Brady]

No, no, no, no. Don't take that. That's the Italian's advice.

[Brett]

What?

[John Holmberg]

What are you talking about?

[Brady]

For those who don't know, that's. The suggestion would be to blow up the house and use black ops to never be found again. I'm sorry it's a gold mine in your brain, but tactically, you're not.

[John Holmberg]

Or 18 years of that nightmare. No way.

[Eric]

But, Brett, how do we know Robert Fisher?

[Brady]

Brett, I'm with you. If I could Robert Fisher, I would Robert Fisher. Several times a day. Oh, there's so many. Like, sometimes when I'm just upset at the guy at qt, I'd like to Robert Fisher, just blow the whole place up and go to the woods. But, yeah, it's. You have to have his training. There are two people that are Robert Fisher and D.B. cooper. The only ones that we're pretty sure. I don't have those skills. I'd get caught on Shea and McDowell, probably because I'd be like, all right, right before I disappear in the woods, I better hit the casino. They'd find me fast. So it's a good idea to blow up the house and then run, if you have those kind of skills. Otherwise, stick it out and start getting emails back and forth. Email her today and go, Look, I know you're going through a lot right now, but when you said blah, blah, blah, and, like, details of your last crazy argument, make it so you get all her points, and then she'll fire back. Like, what, Toledo's ex would do something even more loony? And now you got paperwork.

[Eric]

That's why you got a blind copy.

[Brady]

A friend. Yeah, and also get her to break up with you. Don't you leave. Get her to break up with you. Do something. Don't go crazy like start hosing hookers. Just start.

[Eric]

Tell her you lost your job.

[Alec Baldwin]

Ooh, that's not bad.

[John Holmberg]

Go get training. Screw that.

[Eric]

Well, you didn't really lose your job. Just tell her you did.

[Brady]

Yeah, and I'm gonna spend eight hours a day looking for a new job every day, and then just Go to your regular job and start collecting. I don't know. Don't leave her. Don't drag us into this either.

[John Holmberg]

Should have called Dr. Lynn, pal.

[Brady]

Yep. That's. We've been. You know. What? For years, we've been telling you to avoid this whole thing. And imagine that this lunatic's now gonna raise a kid to hate you. Ugh. And you gotta pay for that. Next thing you know, you're 92, you're in the bottom of the Grand Canyon with some kid that you thought you did right by, and he and his son, your grandson, are trying to kill you for your. Whatever you've done. Gh, don't do it. I don't know who you are, and I don't know what it is, but I think staying. You gotta stay put for the next couple months and make this right. If she breaks up with you, that's okay, but you can't dump her at four months. You can't.

[Toledo]

You know, does it help to know that there's guys, a lot of guys, that have gone through that.

[Brady]

Oh, that.

[Toledo]

It leveled. It either leveled out or just, you.

[Brady]

Know, the behavior that you don't have to understand.

[Brett]

Level out.

[Brady]

It lives forever. And then you got the kid, and she's not going to be better. And what if she doesn't level out? Like, you're thinking of Pollyanna's way. What if she gets the postpartum and starts trying to murder everybody?

[Toledo]

Yeah, and I. I mean, but I.

[Brady]

Agree that you can't leave a pregnant. That's like breaking up with somebody who, like, gets a disease. Because pregnancy is an illness. That's why you got to go to the hospital so often. It's a disease, and it's curable, but it lingers for at least 18, 20 years. But, like, if she ended up with, like, you know, I don't know, sickle cell or Ms. Or something like that, and you broke up with her. First symptoms. You're a jerk. You got to at least stick out a year after the diagnosis, because otherwise.

[Toledo]

And you gotta let her know up front, you know, look, I'm gonna give this a year, and after a year, I'm out of here.

[Brady]

Okay? Was it Newt Gingrich?

[Toledo]

I'm hanging with you.

[Brady]

Newt Gingrich found out his wife had cancer and she was dying of it. Remember that? And then he went to the hospital with his mistress because he's like, well, he already.

[Toledo]

Was that Newt or was that.

[Brady]

Well, there was a couple of them. I think John Edwards did it, too. Yeah. John Edwards. Newt Gingrich did it. There were a few guys who were like, that had side. Side action.

[Toledo]

Did Rudy.

[Brady]

Oh, Rudy's. He doesn't count. Yeah. I'm gonna say yes because it's horrible. So I assume Rudy Giuliani did that. If it's awful. Probably under his. Under his time. Yeah. But, you know, you find out that your spouse has something terrible, you can't break up four months after the diagnosis. You gotta stick around at least a year. And I think the same with a pregnancy.

[John Holmberg]

Or Robert Fisher.

[Brady]

Or Robert Fisher is an option for those of you well trained enough to Robert Fisher. I mean, we laugh, but if you had the Robert Fisher. How often. If you had Robert Fisher skills, this is a really dark moment. But if you were trained like Robert Fisher was, what kind of balls did that wife have to start making him think, you know, I could blow this whole thing up and leave and no one would ever like, you know, Robert Fisher had the Robert Fisher skills. Oh, yeah. If I had. If, like, if, if.

[Toledo]

And how long did he plan it out?

[Brady]

Not long, because he was like, well, I mean, he had the skills. It was like, mapped out in his brain the whole time. Like, he has a bug out plan of safety before he even knew things went sideways. But if you are. If you're married to, like, a guy like Robert Fisher and you start getting a little bit lippy, you know the risks you're taking. This dude knows he can get away with it. Like, I can take care of this all day. Now it turns out he's a horrible person for having done it, but something led him to it. Not saying I condone it, but we've all thought about blowing the house up. We just thought, well, but then I.

[John Holmberg]

Don'T know what a she was.

[Brady]

Right, Right. Exactly what I'm saying. Like, somebody caused this. And then you said, because I thought, I'm gonna blow the whole house up and nobody's ever gonna. But then I'd think, well, I don't have the skills after that. I'm going to end up in jail. I don't want. This guy was like, and I can blow the house up and no one will ever find me.

[John Holmberg]

How many years ago was that now?

[Brady]

Like, 30. And the dude on the news said it, we're looking for Robert Fiser. We found his truck. And they're like, what do you think of the evidence? And he goes, robert Fisher's training is so extreme that there's a good chance we're never going to find him. That was the first day they found the Truck. They're like, no, he's gone. They knew. That means there's training out there that everyone's aware of that makes it so, oh, he's doing that thing. He's gone.

[John Holmberg]

He gone.

[Brady]

There's a guy named John. I want to say John Locke, but that's a philosopher. His name may have been John Locke. Disappeared after he killed his family 27 years. Started a whole new life in Iowa as a pastor. Got a new wife. They're rolling around. They found him on America's Most Wanted. 27 years after he slaughtered his whole family. I think it was John Locke. I think that's right.

[Toledo]

Is that the one? I mean, just was last year, like, in the fall, there's a guy that was gone for that amount of time. There's a couple finally.

[Brady]

Yeah, they fight him. Yeah, there's a few, but John Locke was one. They found him because of a paper mache head they made on. On what they thought he looked like now. It was amazing. It was the first time they had those scientific forensic artists saying, here's how we think he probably aged. And one of the things are, like, he'd want to hide his face. So he's.

[Toledo]

I think I know that.

[Brady]

Had these big Harry Carey glasses, because the. The forensic scientist or the scientist was like, yeah, he's got guilt in his body. You can't help it, whether you're a sociopath or whatever. So he's gonna want to, like, have a disguise without it being disguised. So if he's wearing glasses, I bet you those got real big. So they build this little paper mache head like a kid would in fifth grade, put these massive glasses on. And then the guy goes. And also, after years and years of the guilt weighing on you, your lips will start to naturally frown on their own. And that's like a. Like. So they kind of pulled his clay lips down a little bit, and then they put it up there. And John Walsh is like, all right, this is what they think he looks like. Within, like an hour, somebody's calling, going, that's our pastor. And they showed a picture of him. It was perfect. If you look it up online, it's. It's amazing how good they did. It's like they knew. It almost feels like they knew. And they're like, let's just pretend we built this. So that's how, like, he thought he robbed Fisher. This one says, babies don't make women crazy. It just awakens the beast that was always living in them.

[John Holmberg]

Good point.

[Brady]

That is true. This guy says, two Days in a row of John being a complete. Worry about your own life, dip. What did you just do with your email, jackass? Worry about your own life, dip. I better email in and tell him I don't like what he's saying. Oh, okay. What are you doing? Then go listen to something else. You stick. I'm tired of people like you.

[John Holmberg]

Say hi to Beth.

[Brady]

Yeah, go say hi to Beth. Listen to someone else. John List. That's his name. Not John Locke. Was a philosopher. John List. The whole point of this show is that I got to worry about other people's lives. Although if I just sat back and said, I didn't do much yesterday. Anyway, we'll be right back. It would be pretty boring, you idiot. Because you don't have a creative bone in your body. You don't understand what this whole thing is. It's social commentary. You gotta care about other people's lives.

[Alec Baldwin]

God, I hate that guy.

[Brady]

I don't even know who that is. I hope you die in the canyon. I hope you get Robert. I hope that guy gets Robert Fisher.

[Brett]

Today.

[Brady]

Two days in a row. You talking about other people. What do you listen for? You. Go away. Leave. Get out of my store. No soup for you, idiot. Anyway, some people ruin things. That's why Robert Fisher was like, I don't condone it, but I understand it. He's mad because he's trying to kill us. You know what that guy is? He's a dude that's been telling people, when my grandpa dies, I get a billion dollars. That's why he's mad. Worry about your own life. Yeah, it's because. Why don't you go get a job that's worth it, you dick.

[Toledo]

Push the button. Change channel.

[Brady]

Yeah, it's easy. Oh, I don't like that. He's saying that my grandpa dies, I get his inheritance. That's what he's. I hit a nerve with that idiot.

[Toledo]

Find that station. Call in and say, how many numbers you got through the 10 item minimum?

[Brady]

What's the most you've ever gotten through the minimums at Fry's? We'll be right back. Weather, traffic, worrying about other people's lives. Are you new here? That's all we do is worry about other people's lives and our own. We tell you stories. You don't like it, leave. Get out of my school. God forbid, Fisher, you're a flavor. Brett, you're right. Your people are right.

[Alec Baldwin]

Holmberg's morning sickness.

[Brady]

And I'm getting all the emails. Yes, he'll be in the squares I'm sure of it. But all this Epstein talk all week long. Everybody's waiting for lists and names and Aaron Rodgers is fighting with Jimmy Kimmel and everybody's on. Stephen Hawking's name popped up on there and everybody kind of went, what? Yeah, Stephen Hawking was there.

[John Holmberg]

His island was wheelchair accessible.

[Alec Baldwin]

Yeah.

[Brady]

Evidently they had ramps ramped into the teen girls rooms and I don't know.

[Toledo]

Single for a little bit.

[Brady]

No, he wasn't. He overlapped marriages.

[Toledo]

Oh, that's right. He went right into it.

[Brady]

Yeah. That guy didn't have a blender. Look. He didn't. He ain't doing the single life real well. He needs somebody to do laundry. And he had. That. He had his wife that's started to fall apart somehow. And then he started to. I don't know how it happened, but he started to have a romantic relationship with his nanny and then married her. And again, if you, if you want to have some fun with something, Google search Stephen Hawking's wedding to the, to his caretaker. And when she, when they do, you may kiss the bride. And then when she starts licking those picket teeth that he. Little white picket fence of bottom teeth that stick out, I'm going to kiss my wife now. Give her all that she's worth. So evidently he was on the island and I don't know what that means, but everybody's having a good time with that one because. And you know, is that a. It's not a nice thing to think of Stephen Hawking and they had some.

[Toledo]

Important meetings on that island.

[Brady]

Yeah, no, he had like a whole science convention out on the island and then it.

[Toledo]

Try to bring the greatest minds.

[Brady]

Yeah. And he did it like if you had Stephen Hawking on the island, it was like. But doesn't that just basically mean it wasn't everybody. I think everybody thinks the island was a constant just party of sex and whatever. And maybe it was, but there's Stephen Hawking on the island and everybody's like, they got him down there and there's no pictures of him like giving a speech. He's sitting at dinner, there's drinks, there's people around and it's, you know, Stephen with the girls and you know, chatting away with Sarah Ferguson from the Princess and like, okay, this is something ain't right. But Mania island, it had a good.

[Toledo]

Spa there at the island.

[Brady]

It was sometimes like a good rub down. How old are you? Come on, it doesn't matter. Like who's guilty in that one. Like if you're 16 and you're you know, on the island and you've been sex trafficked, the one person you don't have to worry about is Stephen Hawking, right? Like, if he rolls into the massage room, you're just giving a massage. Hard or soft, it doesn't matter. All of it will feel exactly the same. Rub my keypad.

[John Holmberg]

If not, just slash his tires and run. I mean, what's the end of it?

[Brady]

How hard is it? No one can hear your cries, bitch.

[Toledo]

Just lock them up.

[Brady]

Yeah. What? What in the. If you are attacked by Stephen Hawking and lose. He sexually assaulted me. It's your fault. I'm sorry. There's. There's victim shaming.

[Toledo]

He pushed me up in the elevator.

[Brady]

Yeah. He rolled up against me and I couldn't move. They've got the emergency brake on. You're not going anywhere. Horror. His keyboard groped me, and then he just kept hitting the M button with his eyes.

[Toledo]

M.

[Brady]

Get two popsicle sticks and some bread ties. We're going to do this. Yeah. I don't understand why Stephen Hawkins. But everybody's like, all the names that are on this list are like, wait a second. Huh? And then you start to wonder, was Stephen Hawking, like, a sex slave? Like, did they take him down there and abuse him? But he was down there with Epstein. It's 2006 on Little St. James, the island of sin. And, you know, these pictures came out a while ago, but they're Stephen Hawking now. The names are confirmed on the, you know, the court documents that are being released.

[John Holmberg]

And still more to come, too, right?

[Brady]

Oh, yeah. I do like that. They're slow bleeding it out.

[Toledo]

I guess it's curious to see the ones that, you know, what people want to know. The person that denied ever being there. And there's pictures.

[Brady]

Yeah, that's what you want. What you want is the one who's like, I never knew him, and whatever. And then, well, here, like, what Prince Andrew tried to pull, like, I don't know what you're talking about here. He was at your wedding. Oh, yeah. I forgot about that. Oh, yeah. No, I do know.

[Toledo]

Why don't you come over to England and we'll settle this?

[Brady]

And then his pathetic excuse when he's standing there with that girl who's the teenager, and he's got his arm around her, and he goes, that may or may not be my arm.

[Alec Baldwin]

The angle on this photograph, I don't.

[Brady]

Even know if we're actually standing next to each other. It's like, dude, the picture, your arm's around her. That May be someone's arm from another room. Yeah, because from behind a wall, maybe that was Stephen Hawking. His. His arm crept around from her waist and put it on her hip.

[Toledo]

Amazing how the royal family stepped in like, okay, cut her a check, Andrew.

[Brady]

Yeah, you're done. You're. You're out. And we're all right with that. Out of the way, Prince Andrew. It's time for a real man to get involved. Not Stephen Hawking. I can't get away. Lay down, bitch. Roll over if you know what's good for you. She's got little tire tracks on her back. He did it. Evidence all over. There's DNA and Goodyear tire marks.

[Toledo]

The trench match.

[Brady]

Yeah, it's you, Hawking. Did I plead innocent? She raped me. But that would have. Yeah, yeah, you can't, like. I don't think Stephen Hawking's dead any. So it does again. It starts to make it. So the list starts bringing people out and nothing happens. So everybody else is like, oh, I was there with Hawking, but that's a pretty impressive group out there, the Hawking list. And for him to be on that, you know, they loaded him up, they took him down to Lolita and I guess, you know, it landed him and rolled him over.

[Toledo]

One of those things that, oh, you, you get to go to the island. That means you're. You're somebody in a way back then.

[Brady]

And also you're going to get some money from this really like, wealthy dude who might help your cause. That was the. Again, that's why I would have been there. We all act like we're also self righteous, but if a billionaire's like, hey, there's this conference and Stephen Hawking's gonna talk. And I know you're interested in, you know, astrophysicism and whatever they call that.

[Alec Baldwin]

I don't know.

[Toledo]

He's lining people up. You know, whether he's cutting a check, he's like, oh, you meet him.

[Brady]

I'm going, if he had like, you know, baseball players and stuff, like, yeah, we're doing like a little thing with a bunch of old sports stars. And I know you love the Steelers. I'm going, there's. There's Stephen Hawking in a wheelchair. Skydiving. Found a. Where did that come from?

[John Holmberg]

I think Chris Clark said it to us.

[Brady]

I don't even want you to land the plane. I'm getting out now. You're on a mole. Yeah, that's the whole time down. I'm going to rape an underage whore. That is your gopher.

[Toledo]

You can't even say that anymore when you're. When you're jumping out of a plane.

[Brady]

Geronimo. Yeah. Lose your job. All right, Stephen, don't be racist. Geronimo, he can't do science anymore. Sorry. What are you supposed to say? That's a good point. What are you supposed to say when you leap out of a plane now?

[Toledo]

Cowabunga. Is that safe?

[Brady]

That's probably someone's name, isn't it? That sounds tribal. Like, I'm sure there's, you know, Chief Cowabunga over there in Ghana that's not real happy with it.

[John Holmberg]

Holy f. Because I'm not jumping.

[Brady]

I'm not jumping off a plane. Well, if you can't walk, that dude.

[Alec Baldwin]

That did it in that video you.

[Brady]

Just showed is in a wheelchair already. What's the worst that can happen? True. He's already had one bad fall.

[John Holmberg]

I'm not DB Cooper.

[Brady]

If I'm that dude, I might not pull the chute. I'm just gonna throw myself out of there. But, yeah, Stephen Hawking on the island leads to some potentially funny thoughts. Although, you know, and that's how we have to deal with that island. We have to. We have to know deep down, but there. You know, there's articles from five or six years ago. They were worried Stephen Hawking was being sex trafficked down there. They were. That fetish stuff with Hawking. But if. I wonder if Hawking was into all that.

[Toledo]

He could have been a watcher.

[Brady]

He was a weird dude. Like, people who knew him were like, he's a.

[Alec Baldwin]

He's a.

[Brady]

He had a very dark. Oh, you'd have to. You're sitting in that thing with ALS, and you. They gave you two years to live, and you live 54. More. Like, every day was like, nah, I don't care anymore. It's fine. I'm going to keep living and have less use of my body. But. And again, I always think of our boy Larry, and Stephen Hawking had a side piece. That's the most amazing part. Stephen Hawking had a wife and a second. And there's dudes out there on bumble going, I just can't make it work. And that's just more and more proof that it's about what you are, not who you are.

[Toledo]

It's how you wheel yourself around.

[Alec Baldwin]

It is.

[Brady]

It's you wheeling with confidence how nice your wheelchair is. Let's just put it that way. It's like, how high end is your wheelchair? Because if you've got a rickety old wicker wheelchair with wooden wheels. You're not having. You're not getting them. You're not getting a lady. You got one of them super souped up ones. A few million bucks in the bank. You're on TV every once in a while, suddenly you know you're the apple of someone's eye. And that lady plopping down in his lap in that wedding dress and kissing those teeth. I watched that documentary about him. I was fascinated. And then that came up. Like, in the end, his personal life was part of it. Like, what's going on? That nanny in him, she'd wipe his ass and clean him up. And so I don't know if it was even an ass. Just a hole in his side. And then change out. Yeah, and then he'd do stuff to her bag lady. The tongue still works. And then she'd like tilt him back, put the brake on, straddle his shoulder.

[Toledo]

You don't want to tilt too bad.

[Brady]

No, you don't. You gotta have a bracelet. So she'd tilt him back onto the bed and then lock the wheels so he's on a 45. And then she'd just straddle the shoulders and he. Dargle, dargle, darle, dadle.

[Brett]

Oh, Steven.

[Brady]

That's right, bitch. Take it rollover at. Let me see your black hole. It's just not. It's not a good thing. But, yeah, so Hawking's the most fun one that's on there.

[Alec Baldwin]

I find it fascinating. Arizona's most powerful rock radio station.

[Brady]

He said, fully erect.

[Alec Baldwin]

All they show with none of the fluff. Let's get started. There's more of the best of Homebrew's morning sickness.

[Brady]

I went to the Suns game last night, and my buddy Marty and I were drinking more than we should have, so I stayed at the H and H Ranch. And. But it was a. It was an interesting. We went over to Copper Blues after they do live band karaoke. And Marty's band's done it before, and they had the instant classics that are very good last night, I got to say. Nice job, Phoenix. There was a. It was good, like, crowd. Not only a good crowd. Everybody was good at singing.

[John Holmberg]

Well, apparently they didn't enter in Playdoh this year.

[Brady]

Yeah, none of them. I was thinking the same thing. Like, every one of these bands would have been like, singers would have been a go in Playdio compared to what we. What we saw. They were good. Like, everybody's just popping up on stage and doing Journey and I'm like, ooh, this is dangerous. Guys doing Journey. He's got to hit some. Popping the high notes, knocking everything out. So well done. Nice job, Phoenix. I was proud of you last night. Everybody's in a great mood. Sun's 18 in a row.

[Toledo]

Did you throw down a song?

[Brady]

No. No, I didn't. We were. I sing plenty. So let. Let people have that stage all they want. No, I did not. But we were. We were drinking, and the next thing you know, we're like, uh, oh, I'm not driving anywhere for good long hour or two. So it's bedtime. It's just bedtime now. So, yeah, he stuck around and I went to. I went back to the apartment, closed up shop, went to sleep fast, too. But, yeah, it was a. It was a fun night. The sun's game was interesting last night because I, you know, sitting in our seats and stuff, and there was a guy next to me, and then two. Normally the seats around us, like, are scattered. Like, you can scooch over for some reason. Our little section is the one that everybody sells. And against the Pistons, a lot of seats don't sell. So some people just don't come. Season tickets. So there's, you know, you can scoot over, you know, sit right on top. Our row is full. Last night, the row in front of us wasn't, and the row in front of that one kind of wasn't. And the guy sitting next to me was with a guy two rows ahead of us. And the guy in front of us kept waving at me. Like, he'd turn around and wave at me, and I'd be like, okay. And he'd point to the guy next to him, and I'm like, what's going on? Tap the guy next to him, like, that guy needs you. And he looks at me. He's just staring at me. And I'm just like, that guy needs you. What? He's looking at me. I'm like, hey, at a point, like, that guy down there wants your attention, and they start signing to each other.

[Toledo]

That's why.

[Brady]

Why don't they sit next to each other? It was an open seat. So then for like a quarter back and forth, the guy two rows up is waving at me because the other guy's in his phone the whole night.

[Toledo]

I'm like, ugh, you learn sign.

[Brady]

Hey, Helen Keller down here.

[John Holmberg]

Was he signing? It's good to see another white guy.

[Brady]

Yeah, it was like that. Did you hear about Nathan Sutherland? And they're just going back and forth, and then Helen wants to start talking to me, and I don't know how this works. And I. And I said something to a deaf person last night that I. That I don't know. Like, he would turn and he'd sign something. I'm like, I got nothing. And I just shrugged my shoulders, and then I would, like, open my mouth real. But you're not supposed to do with lip reading.

[Toledo]

Maybe he can read.

[Brady]

Supposed to be normal, like, I don't know what you're saying. And then. And then he starts saying something. Then he finally goes. And I'm like, huh? And I'm like, I don't know what that he does. And I'm like, I can't hear you. I scream at him, which is the rudest thing to say to a deaf guy ever. I'm frustrated that I can't hear him. Meanwhile, he can't hear any of it. And then he goes, night. Huh? Me.

[Toledo]

Much better.

[Brady]

I said, oh, nice to meet you. And then he signs something. I'm like, I can't. We're not chatting. I don't want to talk to people who can hear. I don't want to get to know strangers. Anyway, he can't. I don't know what to do. I like J. Crowder so much. Like, I like Jay Crowder, too. Stop it. I didn't come here with you. You're a nice man. This relationship's not working out. Give me. Give me a beer. I'm not buying you a beer. Do a dumping night for me.

[Toledo]

He stayed at the ranch last night.

[Brady]

Oh, he's still there. I tried to wake him up. There's no waking him. Hey. Hey. Starting to vibrate the walls.

[John Holmberg]

Put him in Doug's bed, though, right?

[Brady]

Oh, yeah. I was leaving mine bed. I'm not gonna catch it, but yeah. And I thought, I can't talk about this tomorrow. I'm like, wait a minute. Yes, I can.

[Alec Baldwin]

He can't hear us.

[Brady]

This is fine. He's a guy we can. Very nice. But that's why you're two deaf people two rows apart. Sit next to each other. I'm the middleman for your. Your sign. Night. Night time. Kevin. Hey, go sit with him. What do I gotta translate everything for? Oh, God. And then I tell the other guy, because he taps the guy sitting next to me, taps me and points to the guy that's been waving him down. And I thought he was the hearing one. And I'm like, hey, hey, hey. And he doesn't turn around, like he's deaf, too. And then the guy next to me goes, he dimp. He dimp. You two are pissing me off right now. I can't tell you that. I'm gonna kick your ass. I don't have a sign like, I'm gonna beat you up if you keep it up.

[Toledo]

I wonder if during crucial parts of the game, people are, like, agreeing with.

[Brady]

Yeah, that's right.

[Toledo]

He's calling for a timeout.

[Brady]

Yeah, I agree with him. Out. And they start speed talking with their hands. I'm like, that's impressive. I am impressed with sign language. But, Jesus, if you're two deaf people, why did he take the seat? Two up and there's plenty.

[Alec Baldwin]

Just sit with.

[Brady]

He didn't even want to sit with his deaf friend. He left him with me.

[Toledo]

The first time you see it, you're not sure what's going on. You think, ah, it's a couple Italian guys aren't doing.

[Brady]

Yeah, yeah. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

[John Holmberg]

About the same thing I wanted to.

[Brady]

Ask the other deaf guy. I'm like, how come you didn't sit with him? He talked too much. Yeah, don't. I know. Was pretty good away from him. Very nice. There was nothing about. But it's frustrating for me as a. As a. As a hearer. Look, I can't figure. Don't try to teach me. Like, don't point. And then. And he's trying to point out things, and, like, I don't know anything. He's like. He taps me on the shoulder. I look, oh, God, Helen needs something. I look over, and he's pointing down, and I'm like, what are we looking at? And you can't go, what? What? And he just. And he does the point, like, somewhere in the crowd, and then does, like, a thing with a bandana and then tugs his shirt and then boobs. Like, he does it. I got that sign for boobs. And I'm like, oh, we're looking for cans. The deaf guy's got some.

[Toledo]

It wasn't that gorgeous. Sun stancer.

[Brady]

No. I tried to tell him about Hard Times. I couldn't do it. I think he heard me doing that. I can hear. Oh, my God. Keith Clay, get down.

[Toledo]

Had Marty seen a hard time?

[Brady]

No. Marty and I watched and I said, marty, by the end of the night, you're gonna be totally turned on by Hard Times. And all those Fat Sons dancers are gonna make you sick. He makes all of them look like terrible fat girls. He stands next to them, and you're like, ugh, can't you guys get in shape? Like, Hard Times looks great. And he's dancing like, all his Moves are sexier. These other chicks and their hair and their boobs have been getting them through life so easy. And then you stand next. Stand next to this qualified dancer, and you're like, hard working. Hard times. Yeah. You're no dancer. That's a dancer. Pick up the pom poms like Eric Hard Times Moreno does and put some heart into it. I think maybe I might. That guy. Yeah, me, too. Give him the sign language for banging. Yeah, but he's pointing out things. I get that. The elbow. Oh. What is it? Helen, don't point. There's 20,000 people here. You have a pen? Write it down. There are boobs everywhere.

[Toledo]

Celebrities.

[Brady]

And then you want to say, like, that chick down there looks like Dua Lipa. I can't tell you that. How do you sign if you don't want to see me? I got nothing.

[John Holmberg]

You can't sign the baby's parts yet.

[Brady]

Yeah, I just wrapped it up. I'm one of the greatest. Ain't no debating on it. What are you doing? Still levitating. Heavily medicated.

[Brett]

Ironic.

[Brady]

I gave them love and they end up eating them. They turn back into me. Yeah, but Marty was like, you got a new best friend. Like, I know. I'd rather talk to you. It's easier. I don't know how to do this. And then I realized that I am now at that point in life, that if I had a friend go deaf, I would stop being friends with him, because I can't. I have no interest in learning how to communicate. Like, if, like, you're close. You got one dead ear. If that other one goes, maybe Christmas cards. That's about as much as you'll get out of me.

[Toledo]

I understand.

[Brady]

Because I'm like, I can't. And you're going to be really like you and spelling and your hands tuned out years ago. Forget about it. If you had to learn how to sign. And your misspelled hands. These misspelled hands. Like, how many times are we confused the there and there. And they are. All right, Brady. It's over.

[John Holmberg]

And inward. And.

[Brady]

Oh, N word would be like, Brady right now. And look, N word. Hey, hey, hey, hey. It's not what you just signed. N word. Inward. Inward. Oh, Jesus. I can't be friends with you. We just called the waiter something horrible. But it was. You know. And then you feel like a jerk, but at the same time, you're like, hey, there's a solution here. And you want to be treated just like everybody else. You know, I don't want to make any concessions. I. I wanted to tell them, like, you two sit down there together. Why are you apart?

[Toledo]

Did you at least. Did he get up for the dance cam or anything?

[Brady]

No, but when the shoe cam goes by, I says, show your kicks. I had a pair of cool orange patent leather orange Jordans on. They're sweet. Patent leather? Yeah, I got the patent leather on the outside.

[Toledo]

Shiny.

[Brady]

Sweet. They're shiny, but they're like cop shoes. Almost solid. Yeah, but they're not black. It's orange.

[Alec Baldwin]

Wow.

[Brady]

Sweet orange and white.

[Alec Baldwin]

They're awesome.

[Brady]

And they do a thing called, you know, this. They have a shoe. Show us your shoe game. And every game, they. People take their shoes off.

[Toledo]

So certain people on the upper deck can see who they can roll after the game.

[Brady]

Very true. Because some people hold up. I'm like, Those are like, $25,000. Those are Jordan ones with his name on this. I think it was a flu shoes. Look at those Jordans. I'm gonna kill you.

[Toledo]

I'm gonna kill you.

[Brady]

I can't kill you. So he points to my shoe and then to the thing, and I'm like, I'm not taking my. At first off, I'm a human being. You don't touch the bottom of your own shoe. Second, no, I'm not taking my shoes off. That encourages other people to do it. But everybody's got their stupid shoes in the air. And then he starts signing something, and I'm like, there's. This is pointless. You might as well be speaking Portuguese. I got nothing. And I just shake my head. I can't hear you. Now you know how I feel. Yeah, I do.

[Toledo]

I can't take it anymore.

[Brady]

Stop it. Stop. And then you feel like a jerk. And I tried to be nice.

[Toledo]

Next time for the shoe camp, get a stiletto.

[Brady]

Somebody won last night with stilettos. Big, long, super shiny silver boot with a heel on it.

[John Holmberg]

What'd that or look like?

[Brady]

I think she was better than her. Let me just tell you this. She came in the stiletto. She went home in flats. She stomped that thing into the ground. No way that. There's no way that that peg lasted. She puts her weight down on it. It was. Was pushing through. She was drilling for oil with those shoes at the Phoenix Open. She'd have been stuck in the side of a hill.

[Toledo]

Got to get all white and just right on the side of the. So. I love you. Hard times.

[Brady]

Hard times, Hard times. I scream it every time. Marty had no idea what I was. What are you doing? Just don't. Just go with it.

[Alec Baldwin]

Arizona's most powerful rock radio station, he said, fully erected. The best of the Morning Sickness is on the air.

[Eric]

Do any of you people do any actual work?

[Alec Baldwin]

The best of Homburg's morning sickness.

[John Holmberg]

This segment is brought to you guys by Action Ride Shop. Now, if you're thinking about heading up north to hit the slopes for some skiing, some boarding, or if you're just gonna stay down here in the valley and do some mountain biking, Action Ride Shop is your place to be. They got all the gear and all the knowledge you're gonna need, so check them out [e-mail] or better yet, just go visit them over there on Gilbert Road and Southern. It's Action Ride Shop.

[Brady]

Another sporting event that's gone south, Brady, is that 40 camels have been disqualified from a Saudi contest over Botox enhancements.

[Alec Baldwin]

You see that?

[Brady]

That's right. They have beauty contests for camels in Saudi Arabia.

[Toledo]

He's done that story before.

[Brady]

He has the beauty contest. I don't remember that.

[Brett]

Well, they're cheap.

[Brady]

I don't remember the. Well, now there's 40 of them that have been. And they've all Kardashian up. Their asses are bigger. They've got huge lips.

[Eric]

Is it for the ass or the.

[Brady]

And you look at them, you look at their faces and you're like, it looks like Instagram. Americans. Huge, giant lips. Eyes that aren't right that are filled with gigantic eyelashes. Their cheeks are puffed out. Their asses are huge. They're Botoxing and getting rid of them. 43 of the animals had received Botox injections, facelift procedures. Horrible.

[Toledo]

Maybe they had headaches.

[Brett]

Nope.

[Brady]

Nobody. You don't get a facelift for headaches. Facelift procedures, hormone injections and other enhancements. $66 million for the winning animals. Breeder.

[Toledo]

That's, that's, that's big money.

[Brady]

Reason. They're cheating.

[Toledo]

Yeah.

[Brady]

Judges rate the camels based on the shapes of their heads, necks and humps. They got to get their ladies out of those beekeeper outfits. You can't have beauty contests for camels.

[Eric]

That's a hot camel.

[Brett]

That's a good looking camel.

[Brady]

That's a pretty camel. They said it was the Highest number of DQs in the contest history. Well, yeah, the fact that that contest is a thing.

[Toledo]

So the DQ is always.

[Brady]

They have a beauty contest for camels and if a woman shows, like, her cheek, she has, like her hands cut off. They revere camels more than they do their chicks. Look at the lips on that one. Beautiful Cam, what are they doing to them?

[Alec Baldwin]

Very beautiful camera you have here, huh?

[Brady]

Wow. Look at the size of her lips. Woman, I see your ankle. Cut off her feet. Disgusting lady human. That's why. Now we're talking. Big soft lips.

[Eric]

Give daddy a smoothie.

[Brady]

Give it to him right here. Right on the piccia deal. That's right. I speak Italian.

[Eric]

We're not that far removed.

[Alec Baldwin]

Camel love.

[Eric]

More camel love.

[Brady]

Young boys. Yeah, well, that's.

[Brett]

Those are your options.

[Brady]

Camels and young boys certainly can't get an Uber from a lady Botox. My camel is very close to winning. But her lips, her eyes are droopy. Get the Botox.

[Alec Baldwin]

Gets rid of these crow's feet.

[Toledo]

Back in the day, no one really knew where they got that saying. I'd walk a mile for a camel.

[Alec Baldwin]

That's right.

[Toledo]

That's the reason.

[Brady]

Saudi Arabia. That's right. Wasn't a cigarette. It's a blowjob from a beast. Crow's feet. She couldn't win with crow's feet. That's ugly. What's that one? That one's nose is in the wrong spot. She needs filtering. Anyway, so.

[Brett]

Camel beauty contest.

[Brady]

Look at Brady's in.66 million for the winner. Saudi Arabia. They got a lot of dough.

[Toledo]

Yeah, I guess that's like 5,000.

[Brady]

Is it? I don't know. That's oil money. Those guys might have even ups. I don't know what the exchange rate in Saudi Arabia is, but I think it's pretty good. 66 million is not bad. Even if you know it's a thousand dollars.

[Toledo]

Yeah, pretty good.

[Brady]

I can pay for wife's beekeeper cleaning. His outfit get dirty. I saw wife and shower the other day. I have to leave house for a month. Disgusting camel lip. Blech. I like real camel lips, not what she's doing.

[Alec Baldwin]

Like the camel suck.

[Brady]

Look at that thing. So that's what goes on in the world. And again, I have. I have no attachment to this planet anymore. At all. I don't know what's going on. It's too much information. The Internet's giving me too much news. The fact that I know about a Saudi Arabian camel beauty contest that's mired in controversy is too much for my brain to want to know. Like the old days when I didn't know much. I'm sitting, try to eat my Ingo's duchess sandwich. When somebody tell me about the Botoxed camels. Yeah, I know. Humanity is just a disaster. We're awful. We're terrible. They Botox their eyes because they Were a little baggy, you know, had some bags. Our hump is all lumpy.

[Toledo]

A little competitive.

[Brady]

It's a little bit, what? 66 million. Now try to get those lumps out there for food. Get some Plexaderm on that bitch's face.

[Toledo]

How about the medical centers that have shut down? It's a bust. They're on the Botox thing. The specialist, the surgeon.

[Brady]

What do they have Botox in Saudi Arabia for anyway? Nobody shows their face.

[Toledo]

I know. Well, for the camels.

[Alec Baldwin]

Like I said, I guess that's it.

[Toledo]

There's some businesses that shut down.

[Brett]

Yeah, that's it.

[Brady]

Camel, Botox, Camel plastic surgery. But it's illegal. I don't understand what goes on over there. I sure do hate it though. That's for darn sure. Makes me want to do an eight or nine hour hunger strike and just take care of business.

[Alec Baldwin]

Arizona's most powerful rock radio station.

[Brady]

He said fully erect.

[Alec Baldwin]

Grab some protection. Here comes the best of Homburg's morning sickness.

[Brady]

I'm 98k upd time now.

[Brett]

Preempted by the Bachelor talk by that crazy B on the Bachelor last night. If you watched it, it was as good as Margaret Perrin. Not quite as good. Margaret Perrin, of course, from me.

[Brady]

A.

[Brett]

Meet my or what was it? Trading spouses. Remember the crazy.

[Toledo]

Yeah, I rebuke it in the name.

[Brett]

Of the Lord lady. Now she's on reality, the reality network with Kennedy. Remember Kennedy from mtv?

[Toledo]

Oh yeah.

[Listener]

She got her own show off that day.

[Toledo]

How's she looking?

[Brett]

She does stuff Kennedy's. I've always had this odd fascination with mounting Kennedy, but I think it's just to shut her up.

[Listener]

Or it's of glasses.

[Brady]

Maybe you have a glass.

[Brett]

It might be the glasses thing.

[Toledo]

Her name helped her too.

[Brett]

Kennedy was kind of. But she's annoying and I think it was just to shut Kennedy up. But yeah, she was on there with Kennedy as a guest and I'm like, maybe that wasn't real. But she was pretty good. If that was acting, it was pretty impressive. 7:26 in the morning, sickness and time now for Brady to late. Better late than never. Give us the news that nobody else had the courage to give us. We call it the Brady Report. Brady reported.

[Toledo]

The Consumer Federation of America just finished a survey where they ask Americans what's the most practical way to accumulate several hundred thousand dollars.

[Brett]

Steal it.

[Toledo]

21%. I'm going to say a whopping 21% said winning the lottery, that's our ambition as a nation. It gets worse. 3% of the most practical way to get started several hundred grand is to get an insurance settlement.

[Brady]

Oh, lawsuits.

[Toledo]

I figured that's probably about right. 3%. On the positive side, 55 had the right answer instead saving money and making wise investments. So about half.

[Listener]

That's probably a better bet.

[Brett]

But if they're asking what's the fastest way to get a hundred thousand dollars.

[Toledo]

Or more, poor people most likely say winning the lottery is the most most practical way to get rich. 38% of people who make under 25 grand choose the lottery option, compared to 9% of the people making over 75. Lottery.

[Brett]

The lottery is for like a.0002 chance to win. It's the hillbilly pension plan tax on the poor.

[Toledo]

Except it's tax people choose to pay.

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Toledo]

Personally, I prefer putting my money in something more secure like betting on cockfights.

[Brett]

Is that right? How you doing with that?

[Toledo]

Not good.

[Brett]

No.

[Toledo]

I would like to never have yet.

[Brett]

But before I die, I will own and fight a you personally. I will be a owner.

[Toledo]

You gotta write that.

[Brady]

You already were.

[Toledo]

These are things I know. Forget these.

[Brett]

I know because I've only got like 30 years to go.

[Toledo]

Oh, I gotta keep the wood chipper. I need to get that written down because I don't want to put one step ahead of the other. You know? I don't want to. I put the wood chipper in. I put you in the wood chipper. After you're dead.

[Brett]

After you put my corpse in the wood chipper and scatter my parts. Not my ashes. I don't want to be burned.

[Toledo]

Now, where would you like to be? Scattered field.

[Brett]

Okay. During a game. That's right. Preferably when the Phillies or Giants are on the field.

[Listener]

I miss oak waffle.

[Brett]

I do too. I saw a rooster walking around that down the street here in Guatemala.

[Listener]

That's him.

[Brett]

It's him. We had this knowing glance. Yeah. He looked at me and I looked at him. And then these little hearts bubbled out over his head. But there's a. There's a rooster down the way with no feathers.

[Listener]

I've seen that one. Yeah, I was wondering if that was him.

[Brett]

That's what I thought. Somebody plucked him. And as. As if to disguise a Brazilian rooster, he's been shaved. He had a little strip on his back, though. The Landing Strip rooster. Ladies must love that he's been waxed.

[Toledo]

As men, we know there are many things that women can fake without men even finding out.

[Brett]

Don't care.

[Toledo]

But sometimes men are so stupid, they won't be able to Tell the difference between a home cooked meal and a takeout meal. According again, this is the UK. A survey of Britain's Department of Health finds that 40% of women have lied and said they cooked a meal that was really takeout or prepackaged. I've done that just to impress a guy. Only about half as many guys have done it. 22% have done the same thing.

[Brett]

I've done that.

[Toledo]

But I don't really.

[Listener]

I mean, because we would just say we've done it.

[Toledo]

Yeah, I got to, me.

[Brett]

No, no. I've done the takeout and put it on plates and made it look well.

[Listener]

Yeah, well, you do. You say. And then after the meal's done, you.

[Brett]

Go, you know what else I did to go to even further? I rubbed it around in my pots and put the pot.

[Listener]

That's ridiculous.

[Brett]

That's brilliant.

[Listener]

You told her at the end.

[Brett]

No, I did not.

[Listener]

Telling her right now, that's just too funny.

[Brett]

And then I put the pots in the sink.

[Listener]

What happened recently? Well, last year, what made you do something like this?

[Brett]

I wanted some poonanny.

[Toledo]

According to Ronnie, on the first go around, I came out with a. There was basically oven brick freschetta. And I guess I said, oh, yeah, I made this.

[Brady]

I remember you saying it on the air.

[Brett]

And we made fun of you. Yeah, that you went, would you forget about it? No. According to Ronnie, he knew and he was trying to pull it off in the air the next day because he knew she was listening. Yeah, I made a pizza fork. You made it? Yep. Queer.

[Toledo]

No cooking is good.

[Brett]

He just pulled it out of the box and stuff than in his oven.

[Toledo]

To me, if it's good, it's homemade. Care less if it's homemade.

[Brett]

It doesn't bother me.

[Toledo]

There is a difference on certain. On a lot of food. That boy. If you're getting homemade like.

[Brett]

But I don't care.

[Listener]

Hey, you took it out of the box, you put it in the oven.

[Brett]

I eat Costco pizza, but I eat Costco pizza. You'll eat anything.

[Toledo]

Trying to pull the wall over her eyes here, but she says, oh, yeah, you told me.

[Brett]

I remember that.

[Listener]

So you're in trouble now. You're not getting any food for a while.

[Toledo]

There's a magic. A magic aphrodisiac out there that's. We make women Randy all the time.

[Brett]

Called money.

[Toledo]

Close.

[Brett]

What is it?

[Toledo]

Scientists at Southwestern University in Georgetown, Texas have found that pumping female rats full of money caffeine. Oh, really Makes them desire much more mounting.

[Brett]

Huh.

[Toledo]

There's only one Problem. It really only works on rats that have never tasted. Tasted caffeine before.

[Brady]

Oh.

[Listener]

I could see that.

[Toledo]

The professor study says in humans caffeine might enhance the sexual experience. Only among people who are not habitual users of caffeine. Well, find that.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Toledo]

Needle in the haystack.

[Brett]

No kidding.

[Toledo]

Now they got it. You know, if you can't get the caffeine, you don't like coffee and everything else. Yeah, I think they should. They might as well put caffeine and butter. I mean it's in everything else.

[Brett]

I mean they're juicy up during your muffin.

[Toledo]

New egg beaters with caffeine.

[Brett]

That's not a bad idea. Just load everything up with it. I thought I'd cut.

[Toledo]

Does it have a taste?

[Brett]

I thought I'd cut it out completely. And it turns out that I've been guzzling more of it than I did when I was drinking a lot of pot. Where is it? Tea. And it's like double in the tea. It's like just as much in that. I knew there was a little, but I didn't know it was more.

[Toledo]

I don't know if you heard about this one, but I heard a little bit about yesterday. Applebee's restaurant. You know they're. There's a lady that brought her five year old son in there. Her name's Cynthia Perales. And she took her 5 year old son Seth to dinner at Applebee's. He ordered himself an apple juice. Somehow the waitress bought him a Long island iced tea instead. It's sweet. So Seth drank it up, guzzled it. Cynthia didn't realize a five year old what he had basically equivalent of nine shots of alcohol. Maybe not many. Well, until his eyes glazed over and he started laughing uncontrollably. Cynthia. Of course the waitress admitted the mistake and apologized. Wasn't good enough. The lady is quoting saying the trauma that it caused her son and asking him to quiet down and sit down.

[Brady]

What do you mean?

[Listener]

He was happy.

[Brett]

Happy.

[Toledo]

75 grand.

[Brett]

She's doing what?

[Toledo]

Applebee's for 75 grand. You know what it's not. I know the waitress is a employee of Applebee's, but it's not like she intended to do this.

[Brett]

Somebody intended to do it. Brady, Long island iced teas.

[Brady]

Come.

[Toledo]

But let me ask you this. If your son orders an apple juice or daughter.

[Listener]

Couldn't you tell?

[Toledo]

Yeah.

[Brett]

And the umbrella.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Brett]

And the curly straw that does not.

[Listener]

Look like apple juice. And it's on ice and it's in.

[Brett]

One of those wavy Mai Tai glasses. Yeah, that's true, but I. That's an.

[Toledo]

You can put apple juice on ice, I'll give you that.

[Brett]

Usually it's a little baby glass and.

[Toledo]

Maybe if it's unfiltered, altered apple juice, some places serve that.

[Brett]

It's a little thin.

[Toledo]

It's cloudier. It's thicker. Cloudier.

[Brett]

I guess.

[Toledo]

But don't you think. I don't know, I take a sip of Long Island Iced Tea.

[Brett]

Well, you wouldn't know it was long. No, it depends on who?

[Toledo]

The alcohol.

[Brett]

You make a good Long Island Iced Tea, it just tastes.

[Toledo]

Yeah, you don't even.

[Listener]

That's a good thing about Long Island Iced Tea.

[Brett]

A good Long Island Iced Tea tastes like tea to you, though.

[Listener]

Drinks once a decade.

[Toledo]

Well, that's what I'm saying. So my friend Seth must be pounding down the hooch then.

[Listener]

He knows all about the liquor.

[Brett]

But if you make a good Long Island Iced Tea, you can't taste a single drop of alcohol. Even if you're a. Even if you're not.

[Listener]

That's the drink if you want to get a girl.

[Brett]

Strawberry daiquiri. Little hint for all you 21 year olds out there, those are the two. 75 grand for one Long Island. I could see if he ordered another one in apple juice and she brought him another. Then. Then it's just trouble. But one accident and it's kind of.

[Toledo]

Funny in a way. Hopefully the kid.

[Brett]

You come up with that number.

[Listener]

That's pain and suffering right there, John.

[Toledo]

You know, and I hope she's not dancing around her kid like he just drank a poison. Oh, my God, Seth, you're gonna be a wreck for a couple of years.

[Listener]

Maybe if he got like violently ill. Maybe your dad's.

[Brett]

And maybe the kid's dad. Dad's an alcoholic.

[Brady]

Sorry, go ahead.

[Toledo]

There's something good that happened at the Bengal Steelers game.

[Brett]

Yeah, I know.

[Brady]

3117.

[Brett]

There you go. Okay. Thank you.

[Toledo]

Something good for a couple of Bengals fans.

[Brett]

Chad Johnson was beaten to death.

[Toledo]

Sandy Enu and Jim reed, back in 1991. They were dating and their first date when the. Things got more serious. Seriously decided they get married the next time the Bengals made the playoffs. Fifteen years, 15 years later, that's the.

[Brett]

Best bet he ever made.

[Toledo]

They tied the knot at the game, stupid. Congratulations. Cindy and Jim.

[Listener]

Now they should get divorced the next time they make the playoff.

[Toledo]

Do you think that's a bad omen? You know, you get married on a.

[Brett]

Loss, get married at a bank, Bengals game. It's a bad omen to just show up at the Bengals stadium.

[Listener]

How trashy is that you?

[Brett]

Do you think they wore the tiger stripes?

[Listener]

Yeah, she had the dress.

[Brett]

Who did? Say, you're gonna marry this guy.

[Toledo]

In Snow Hill, MD, 34 year old. 34 year old Eric Cowboy Littleton. Wacky DJ WZBH 93.5 FM, was having a promotional event at a restaurant where listeners could win the coveted ZZ Top tickets for performing crazy stunts. 27 year old Robert west, loyal listener, decided to take the challenge. He told Eric. Eric actually told him to expose himself to a woman at a restaurant and if he did that, he'd get the tickets. So Robert. Yeah, Eric.

[Listener]

Yeah. I was like, I don't remember this.

[Brett]

I didn't do this.

[Toledo]

Let's just call them cowboy.

[Listener]

Sounds like something thing.

[Toledo]

Cowboy Littleton told the listener Robert west to go expose himself to that lady. And he'll get tickets if he does. So Robert walked up to the woman whose name has not been released, whipped out his testes, placed them on her arm. She freaked out, called the police.

[Brett]

Was she part of the game?

[Toledo]

No.

[Brady]

Oh.

[Toledo]

Arrested Robert for indecent exposure, second degree assault and fourth degree sexual assault. And because that Eric had put him up to it, he was arrested and charged with the same crimes.

[Listener]

See, we gotta stop these stunts.

[Brett]

Gonna stop these teabaggings.

[Listener]

I did that. Don't you remember the.

[Toledo]

But Eric, you do it without people asking you, and that's.

[Brett]

You did what? When did you teabag somebody?

[Toledo]

Freddy Teabag that guy, the closest thing that you were.

[Listener]

You don't remember that?

[Brett]

No.

[Listener]

For tickets.

[Toledo]

That was on the bus.

[Listener]

No, it was on the air.

[Brett]

No.

[Listener]

Yes, it was.

[Alec Baldwin]

Eric.

[Brady]

No. Oh, no, it wasn't.

[Listener]

I don't remember this.

[Brett]

That never happened. These are not the teabaggings you're talking.

[Toledo]

No, the only thing I was gonna.

[Brett]

Say give me the Jedi teabag trick.

[Toledo]

Was a spring training.

[Listener]

I don't know what you talk.

[Toledo]

You payday. Stun him if he'd streak. Yeah, spring training.

[Brett]

You're crazy. You had a bad dream. These are not the tea bags you wish to shut up.

[Listener]

Reality tea at the van. It was good.

[Brett]

Yes, we have dipped tea bags in delicious hot water.

[Toledo]

Back in August, Marilyn Christian of Leesburg, Virginia, founder cat Cody was murdered. She suspected her neighbor's dog, Lucky. For some reason, the police decided that her case hasn't, you know, wasn't a priority. So Marilyn took it into her own hands. She took DNA from Lucky and Cody. You then paid a lab in California to test it. Sure enough, the label found that Lucky did kill Cody. So Maryland took the results to the county. They ordered Lucky's owners, SEAN and Janet Derabaggy, to the a $50,000 in liability insurance for the dog.

[Brett]

Wow.

[Toledo]

To keep him locked up, to keep him muzzled on walks. About 10 days later, Lucky was running free outside. Someone called the police. And now. No, they paid 116. Fine.

[Brady]

That's not so bad.

[Toledo]

They have to get a fifty thousand dollar liability insurance. I'm Lucky.

[Brett]

It cost you ten bucks.

[Toledo]

Not too much.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Toledo]

And Fort Sumner, New Mexico. This could be Carmen away. You told me about this a little bit yesterday.

[Brett]

Is this the old man?

[Toledo]

81 year old Luciano Morris. He tried to kill a mouse he found prowling to his house. There's a mouse in the the house? Cleveland State. He trapped the little guy and raked a pile of leaves together in the front of his house. He set the pile on fire. Threw the mouse into the burning pile to kill him.

[Brett]

Go mouse.

[Toledo]

But the mouse wasn't gonna go. Like a punk.

[Listener]

Fireball.

[Toledo]

Fire. Ran out of the leaf pile, ran into Luciano's house.

[Brady]

You're so.

[Toledo]

The entire house down.

[Brett]

The house down.

[Brady]

Good for you, mouse.

[Toledo]

No one was hurt, but everything inside Luciano's house was destroyed.

[Brett]

Good.

[Listener]

Why do you say good?

[Brett]

Because you don't burn living objects.

[Toledo]

I don't know what it is with fire and 80 year old men, but you smash it. I'm going to top it.

[Listener]

You smash it.

[Brett]

You smash it. You don't throw anything alive in. In a fire.

[Listener]

Yeah, that's kind of cruel.

[Brett]

You smash it. I'm all for the smashing of the mouse. That's fine.

[Listener]

The head getting smashed in a trap.

[Brett]

No, no, better you just hold them by the tail and you squash him with your foot.

[Toledo]

The zapper.

[Brett]

Or zap it or shoot it point blank with a BB gun. But you don't throw him in a fire. You don't drown it and you don't throw it in a fire.

[Toledo]

Here's the geriatric topper. In Downey, California, a man in his 80s, once again, whose name wasn't released, got into a massive fight with his neighbors over some parking spots. Of course, the only way to settle that. The old man decided the the wisest ways to get revenge. Detonate a homemade bomb in their house.

[Brett]

Oh my God.

[Toledo]

Unfortunately, people are. One of his bombs went off, set him on fire and killed him.

[Brady]

Oh.

[Toledo]

No one else was hurt.

[Brett]

You're okay?

[Toledo]

I don't know. There's all right, maybe a list of things that 80 old men should not have access to. Fire Prostates.

[Brett]

That's probably true. Those are 1 and 2. 1 and 1A. Driving and cars. Toledo hands me this. My mother shot a mouse in our. And I'm gonna replace the word house with trailer with the.22. When I was in high school, mom sitting on the porch with a.22.

[Toledo]

That's a good shot.

[Brett]

That is an amazing.

[Eric]

Don't come out. Stay in your room for a second.

[Brett]

She's going to fire the weapon. It's Toledo.

[Listener]

We just had to dump him.

[Brett]

To dump him.

[Brady]

What is going on?

[Toledo]

Believable.

[Brett]

Well, he's remembering when his mother was.

[Brady]

Firing a weapon in the house in.

[Brett]

High school, so I forgot.

[Toledo]

She talks like a pirate.

[Listener]

We'd have to cut you, you potty mouse.

[Brett]

We need some soap.

[Brady]

We need some.

[Brett]

We need a lot of soap.

[Toledo]

Did your mom say that? Word for word. Wow, that got your attention.

[Brett]

My mom shot a mouse in our house with a.22.

[Toledo]

Oh, you. You said that?

[Brett]

Yeah, he said. Okay, hold on, little dick. Toledo. Don't come out your bedroom yet. Mama's got a mouse to drop in the house. In the house.

[Toledo]

She used to wake Toledo up in the morning. Toledo would wake up and he'd have an infrared dot on his forehead or something.

[Brady]

You ready for school?

[Toledo]

Oh, I think so. Wakey, wakey, date and bakey mama.

[Brett]

Move the barrel.

[Alec Baldwin]

All right.

[Brett]

There might be a mouse in here. One over the bow. Where's your little friend Brady? Gunplay Brady. Yeah, gunplay Brady and Mrs. Toledo.

[Toledo]

Your mama sure takes your school serious.

[Brett]

Wow. Well, anyway, glad you had that kind of life. Forest wow. Mom shooting weapons. And she got.

[Toledo]

But shooting a mouse, that's one or two. Explode all over the place. Holy Annie Oakley.

[Brett]

And then you guys had she make you clean it. Cinderella, did you get your banjo and celebrate like right away?

[Toledo]

Tell the rest of the story. She had the compact mirror holding it and she shot it back over the shore.

[Brett]

Get mama's corn cob pipe. We got dinner on the floor.

[Toledo]

A couple of new drug trends we should know about. Farming. P H A R M I N G. Farming. It's in the upcoming issue of Time magazine to them that they'll talk about. Farming is one of them. What is. It's when kids get together and trade prescription drugs. They trade painkillers like oxycontin, Vicodin, anti anxiety pills, Valium, Xanax. And add the meds like Ritalin along with that.

[Brett]

Nice.

[Toledo]

And with that way the way we're doping our kids up with every single behavior problem, it's easy for them to Stay supplied.

[Brett]

Everybody's got a set of pills.

[Toledo]

The last one is or a second one is dusting. Dusting is a form of huffing. Basically dusting is using the cans that you spray your computer keyboard down.

[Brett]

The thing I always spray on people. Yeah, you can do stuff with those.

[Toledo]

Well, evidently people are. There's some. There's some side effects to it.

[Brett]

I'm always parallels over what Slurred speech.

[Toledo]

Permanent brain damage and death.

[Brett]

The thing that think about to keep dust can when I turn it over and I put my name in ice on my shirt. Yeah, I'm gonna have cancer from that pretty much. Oh man.

[Toledo]

Well, if you're huffing it.

[Brett]

I'm not huffing it, but I have smelled it. I mean I freeze everything with that. Those are fun.

[Listener]

Well, you were looking for ways to go out.

[Brett]

That's a good one to start huffing dusters.

[Toledo]

It's not gonna surprise us here, but According to the U.S. center of Disease Control and Prevention. Johnny, you could probably give the rundown of the the cities or the states that lead the U.S. toothlessness rate. West Virginia, number one, 42.9%. Almost 43% of its restaurants of its residents have lost six or more teeth restaurants. Mississippi, Kentucky is second.

[Brett]

Oh, I was going to go Mississippi. Ohio, Kentucky, 38%.

[Toledo]

Arkansas, Tennessee is third. 32.

[Brett]

Wow.

[Toledo]

Hawaii has the lowest rate, 13%.

[Brett]

Nice job.

[Toledo]

Eric. This is a little study that you need to. A Study of 1300 Men and Women at Duke University finds that middle aged people with hostile personalities are much more likely to die of heart disease than calmer people. And the more hostile you are, the more likely you were to drop dead.

[Alec Baldwin]

Damn it.

[Toledo]

That article.

[Brett]

Bull.

[Listener]

Bunch of crap.

[Brett]

You got to get it out the anger.

[Listener]

Yeah, I agree. Release it into the world.

[Toledo]

Finally, on July 9th, Leah Rebel robles of Whittier, California and her husband Richard went to the local Presbyterian Intercommunity Hospital so Leah could give birth to their second child. But even though she was past her due date, bleeding, having contractions less than two minutes apart, the hospital staff told her she wasn't ready to deliver, sent her home. Fifty minutes after she gone home, Leah had the urge to use the restroom. And voila.

[Brady]

Sorry.

[Brett]

What the hell? She was playing the drum. She dropped. She pooped a baby, let go of.

[Toledo]

The Cosby kid in the toilet. Amazingly, the child, Richard Robles iii was healthy. His dad scooped him up out of the water, cleaned him, held him. Then Leah wrapped their baby and blanket until help arrived. The Robles aren't planning on suing the hospital or anything like that. Say, quote, they're slightly irked. Why did they find at least, I don't know, like a farmhouse, a manger or something. The inn was full, so she dumped him in the.

[Brett]

How do you. How do you continue?

[Toledo]

Maybe three kings will come visit, drop off presents to Richard iii.

[Brett]

Wouldn't you get off the toilet?

[Toledo]

I have heard more stories of toilet burst. At least. At least five or six. And I know of one that I know.

[Brett]

The person who dropped the baby in the can.

[Toledo]

Yes.

[Brett]

Who? Come on.

[Brady]

Should you say to be.

[Toledo]

Well, no, it doesn't matter. But he used to be the wrestling coach of Ohio State University. His daughter, she didn't know it.

[Listener]

Can you not know?

[Toledo]

That's my still question of the day.

[Brett]

She didn't know that she was giving birth. What did she think was happening?

[Toledo]

She had like hardest showing it either. She thought she really had to go to the bathroom.

[Brett]

Was that one story that lady was wearing pantyhose and all of a sudden started cramping.

[Toledo]

Yeah.

[Brady]

Something's wrong.

[Brett]

And she didn't know she was pregnant. Seven months into the pregnancy. Oh, something's so wrong. And then all of a sudden she's like, something's pushing on my pants. And it was a baby's head blown out of it. Yeah.

[Toledo]

This is the third one we've done.

[Brett]

And toilets, though, don't you think that you would get up and this lady knew she was pregnant, thought she was having the baby.

[Listener]

Maybe they saw coming out or something. So they're like, well, get in the water.

[Brady]

Get it in the water.

[Brett]

Get in the tub. The baby is not gonna fit in a toilet. Get in the tub. How big is your toilet that you can uncork a baby? I have to double flush for a good dump. If your toilet can take an incident, I want that plumber.

[Toledo]

Well, you know, that's how our own Fred Pantorock was born.

[Brett]

He got thrown to a toilet.

[Brady]

He's got gills.

[Brett]

I didn't know that Panrock was tossed into a toilet. Dad, how was I. Tell me the story of my birth. Well, son, your mother had guessed.

[Brady]

Dumped you in the can.

[Toledo]

We were at Ebbard Lake. It was a pit toilet.

[Brett]

Daddy, tell me again, were the Steelers there?

[Toledo]

Your mother just got done. Your mother just got done winning the log rolling contest in the lumberjack game.

[Brady]

Why are you picking on Fred?

[Listener]

You just picture wiping herself off with the terrible towel.

[Toledo]

He was just pulling in and I thought, oh, he's gotta have the radio on.

[Brett]

You just saw a car go through the Parking lot.

[Brady]

That guy was born in a toilet. That's just.

[Brett]

You just start your life so wrong.

[Brady]

They always born of a crapper.

[Brett]

Things haven't really gotten any better since. Still downhill from there.

[Brady]

When your head goes into the.

[Brett]

Pull him out of the hole.

[Listener]

Oh, he's got to wear glasses. It could have impaired his eyesight. Slamming into the toilet.

[Brett]

Yeah, it's. There's nothing good about it. Get off the toilet if you're giving birth.

[Toledo]

Your mother and I just got done winning the wheelbarrow races at the picnic.

[Brett]

What is wrong with you?

[Brady]

Dad, Was that a big baby?

[Brett]

Well, you fit in the toilet.

[Listener]

Ask around your workplace today. One of those people was born in a toilet.

[Toledo]

There's got to be some toilet.

[Listener]

He doesn't know what's going on.

[Brett]

He didn't hear it. Oh, good. Hi, Fred.

[Brady]

That is your ready report. Sorry, Fred.

[Brett]

We'll talk later.

[Brady]

It's 98 KUPD, Arizona's most powerful rock radio station. He said fully erect.

[Alec Baldwin]

This is the Best of Homburg's morning sickness. 98 KUPD.

[Brady]

You're listening to the Best of Homburg's Morning Sickness.

[Brett]

And you might have heard a little.

[Toledo]

Bit of me, Frank Caleando there, who.

[Brady]

By the way, just happens to be.

[Toledo]

At the Desert Ridge Improv January 31st and February 1st. Desert Ridge Improv.com or something, you sons of bitches.

[Alec Baldwin]

Now back to the Best of Holmberg's Morning Sickness.

[Brett]

And I regret to bring this up, but I have to, because I didn't know anything about this, but you guys have kind of helped me through it. Of course. Tonight everybody knew my story about the raccoon and the falling down and hitting the rock and the million dollar shot and shredding my anoose on Camelback Road.

[Toledo]

Causing.

[Brett]

Causing a lot of blood.

[Toledo]

Oh, great.

[Brett]

Causing a baby thumb to be stuck up my ass for the last five days. That's what it feels like, Brady. That's what a hemorrhoid feels like. A small child's thumb is in my ass.

[Toledo]

Hmm, I'll have to try that.

[Brett]

The hemorrhoid.

[Toledo]

I can't come up with that.

[Brett]

It's just what you imagine, my friend. Trust me, when there's one in ya, you'll be thinking, that's like a little kid's thumb in my ass. You know?

[Toledo]

That's a small one. The pictures I've seen, they look like.

[Brett]

Not of mine.

[Toledo]

A gorilla's fist.

[Brett]

Well, that's the. That's why. Well, if you've made it to the Internet, because of Your hemorrhoids? It's because you've got the fist. I had like a fourth grader's thumb in my ass last night. I took my pants off and started to cry because there was blood. I didn't know that happened. I'm going through this for the first time. I need help. I need support. I'm getting nothing from you.

[Toledo]

What can I do?

[Brady]

I don't know.

[Brett]

Just a pat on the shoulder now and again. It'll be all right, buddy. But I get nothing from you. You feel nothing. You laugh at me. You constantly point and giggle at my blood stained drawers.

[Brady]

But I did.

[Toledo]

Funny.

[Brady]

It is a little funny, but it's.

[Brett]

Not that funny when you pull your pants down. I didn't know that hemorrhoids did that.

[Toledo]

You know, hemorrhoids are one thing, but a raccoon induced hemorrhoids, well, that's the worst part.

[Brett]

I know the situation in which I got the hemorrhoid when I strained myself running from a raccoon.

[Toledo]

And what john can we take away from this?

[Brett]

Don't walk home from dos gringos.

[Toledo]

Jekyled. Jekyll.

[Brett]

No, not that Jekyll is fun. It's just. Recognize that when you're Jekyll, you don't live as close as you think you are to that bar.

[Toledo]

I know, but it comes down to the heavy Jekyling you're gonna have.

[Brett]

I mean, I'm not stopping.

[Toledo]

I don't want you to stop because the stories are great.

[Brett]

Well, I ran into a tree and fell on a rock and hurt my butt. When I tried to get up and run from the raccoon, I strained something violently.

[Toledo]

I'm just glad you're not behind the wheel.

[Brett]

Yeah, exactly. I was being responsible.

[Toledo]

Yep.

[Brett]

And. But I couldn't, you know, I didn't want to get a cab because my theory's always been cabs are for poor people. That's what I always say when I'm drunk. And I've never understood why I feel that way.

[Eric]

Even in Vegas?

[Brett]

No, no, no. Just in Arizona. Only here I don't know either. It's only when I'm drunk. That's the only time I ever say it. It only makes sense when I'm drunk. And I always think, cab's you for smart people. Exactly. Exactly. But I'm drunk, so I've immediately dropped a thousand IQ points. So I say things like, cabs are for poor people.

[Toledo]

You're drunk and. And pretty much homeless at the time.

[Brett]

All right, this is beyond the street. I did not know. And hopefully maybe a doctor will call because I need the support because I'm getting it from you. Toledo laughs the whole time. He doesn't say anything.

[Toledo]

What do you need?

[Brett]

I need to know that this is normal. That my drawers are going to be blood filled for. I'm on the street. I'm kind of mentally straight.

[Toledo]

It's normal, but it's a lot of. Do you need the mic to the man pond?

[Brett]

I need a man pond. Do you have a man pond?

[Toledo]

I'll call doctor.

[Brady]

What?

[Brett]

Would I prefer the pad. No, I want the pad. Pads leave, like, lines.

[Toledo]

Sean said.

[Brett]

Sean.

[Toledo]

It's okay to roll up some. Some burlap toilet.

[Brady]

You would need a pad because it's in the butt area, obviously.

[Brett]

All right. Yeah. So you can't go with the wings.

[Brady]

No wings.

[Brett]

No. No. I don't want to protect my underpants. I'm talking to you about hemorrhoids and.

[Brady]

He'S stroking you, Stroke you. I know.

[Brett]

It's disgusting either way. I didn't know that happened. So hopefully a doctor's out there. I don't have to see anybody about this.

[Toledo]

You're worried about the. The flow.

[Brett]

It's pretty heavy.

[Toledo]

Maybe we need to check it out then.

[Brady]

No.

[Brett]

I'm gonna die of it.

[Brady]

I'm just letting you know.

[Brett]

Just letting you know that no matter what, I will die of this. Will it be like a middle school moment where I help you put it on and show you?

[Brady]

What?

[Brett]

You did that in middle school? How kind of middle school are you going to?

[Toledo]

I don't know.

[Brett]

Now that you say that. Well, you're in seventh grade now. Kids. Let's all drop our pants and learn how to put on a man pod.

[Brady]

Kids, this is a fetal pig.

[Brett]

Yeah. What in the world middle school did you go to? We never got the display.

[Alec Baldwin]

Wow.

[Toledo]

Okay.

[Brett]

Just take your shirt off.

[Toledo]

Never forget the good ones.

[Brett]

You ever been with a man on his period? Because that's happening right now.

[Brady]

Come on.

[Brett]

It is.

[Toledo]

And this is what you want the sympathy for?

[Brett]

I want sympathy. I want it from you.

[Toledo]

I'm sorry. Your bum is dripping now.

[Brett]

That's better.

[Brady]

I think we should go to a.

[Brett]

No.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Brett]

If no man can go to a doctor for a butt problem, I can.

[Toledo]

Call the rear admiral. Dr. Eddie Hamilton.

[Brady]

I'm out.

[Toledo]

And get a little long distance advice, but is it. You don't have to go in and see him. We just call Eddie.

[Brett]

No, the thing I'm concerned about is he's got too big of hands. I want a proctologist. I want Chewy, the rock and roll proctologist. I want a three foot proctologist with baby stumps.

[Toledo]

There's nothing baby about Chewy.

[Brett]

No, I don't want. His fingers aren't big. His fingers aren't. His hands aren't. I'm just concerned that this is going to be a recurring problem. Because if it is, I'll just kill myself today. Do they come in? Do they come back?

[Toledo]

I think it's the roids.

[Brett]

My steroids. Yeah, I'm not on the steroids anymore. I ran out of them.

[Toledo]

Point your finger and tell me that.

[Brett]

I'm not on steroids anymore. If I am, I don't know it. I don't know how they got in my body. No, the hemis are.

[Brady]

They're gone.

[Brett]

But now I've got a issue with recognizing.

[Toledo]

Have you checked family lineage?

[Brett]

Yeah. Nobody.

[Toledo]

Okay.

[Brett]

Oh, it's the worst conversation I've ever had in my life, too. I heard your story on the radio the other day. You really have hemorrhoids, John? Yes, Mom. Okay, what you need to do.

[Toledo]

Because I remember when you ruined my carpet.

[Brett]

Yeah, don't talk to me about this anymore. You're not my son. No, the whole family. I guess we've never had much trouble with it because I checked all the way back to great grandparents.

[Toledo]

I don't think it's a.

[Brett]

It's not a hereditary.

[Toledo]

Yeah, but I don't know.

[Brett]

I don't know.

[Brady]

Sean, you need to go to the.

[Brett]

Doctor because they're inside. No, they're not.

[Brady]

Yes, they are.

[Brett]

I've dug around in there.

[Toledo]

No, they are. How you gonna know what's what?

[Brett]

You guys don't know anything. If I. I'm gonna die of hemorrhoids.

[Toledo]

Then you're gonna need a doctor to go up there in the lost Dutch.

[Brett]

No, nobody's spelunking me. I'm gonna die of hemorrhoids. Yes, it is.

[Toledo]

After that Kendall Jackson.

[Brett]

No, if I get a bottle of wine in there, it's. Somebody's gonna get me drunk first and then really take care of business. But that ain't happening. I will die of the hemorrhoids if they're up too far for me to find. We're gonna.

[Toledo]

I'm gonna have Amanda John cover this now. That's here.

[Brett]

Amanda John can do it.

[Toledo]

Looking at John Hornberg's rear end.

[Brett]

Either way, if anybody can help me.

[Brady]

I'm just looking for a little support.

[Brett]

I'm getting it from none of my friends. Pointing, laughing.

[Toledo]

What do you mean, I'm getting on the horn right now.

[Brett]

I don't want that kind of support.

[Toledo]

You at least want to hear someone Snickers bar.

[Brett]

I want a Diet Coke. I want some help.

[Toledo]

This guy was a proctologist for more than 30 years.

[Brett]

That doesn't help me. I'm not going to any proctology. I'm just saying, if you've got the hemorrhoid. And we need to start our own little group together, because I'm now going to join, like, Hemorrhoids Anonymous. Hi, my name is John. I've been bump free for two days.

[Toledo]

This guy seemed more cracked than you could ever imagine.

[Brett]

Stop it. I'm not going to the doctor for this. And I refuse to go to the doctor for this. I will die.

[Toledo]

You don't have to go to the doctor. It's a phone call.

[Brett]

I will bleed no more forever. I'm Chief Joseph of the nez Perce Hemorrhoids 98 KVD. I'm William Wallace of Hemorrhoids. All I want is freedom. I don't care how it happens.

[Toledo]

They'll put you on the rack and they'll stretch that.

[Brady]

Stretch me and you'll just hear, Freedom.

[Brett]

Bleeds a lot from that area. It's 98 KUPD. Help me out here.

[Brady]

I've been diagnosed with everything now.

[Brett]

Yeah, I'm a mess. You can't tell me this kind of stuff. I'm already a hypochondriac.

[Toledo]

I like the last one. You know, I got mine through divorce.

[Brett]

He got Crohn's disease. Yeah, from his divorce. Because the stress caused all sorts of trouble with his.

[Toledo]

No doubt stress can cause all sorts of.

[Brett]

I'm not stressed.

[Toledo]

You're not?

[Brett]

In front of a raccoon. When I got up at her, a horribly stressful moment, but the raccoon was huge. And I fell down. And when I tried to get up to run from it, I pulled something.

[Brady]

And I woke up with a fourth.

[Brett]

Grader'S thumb in my butt.

[Brady]

Or so it seems.

[Toledo]

You know, straining a lot of. I don't say. It's very common in athletes.

[Brady]

Oh, sure.

[Brett]

And I'm very athletic, so it was a natural thing.

[Toledo]

You. You were. For a minute.

[Brett]

Erica, we had a payday stuntman suggestion.

[Listener]

Oh, now I know why this is the morning sign.

[Brett]

Yeah, no, I'm with you.

[Brady]

We're not gonna really do it. It's gross.

[Brett]

But anyway, everybody evidently has had them, and I'm getting more support now from you guys than I've ever gotten from Brady So I curse you with the thumbs in the butt.

[Toledo]

I'm sorry. I am clueless when it comes to.

[Brett]

I understand. I used to be Brady Grapes of the back end. I will laugh no more. When you get a grapevine. When you get your first grapevine, you'll call and go, jeez, I'm sorry, Brutal. I just don't want to be one of those guys that carries around the pad, you know? That's my biggest fear, I think, in life is to be one of those dudes that has to carry around the sitting down pad.

[Toledo]

I'm just gonna turn the tables here. I didn't get the sympathy when I was passing Camelback Mountain through my.

[Brett]

I told you to get out of here. Sure, because it was great, but you said it had to pass. So we're like, well, we might as well make the most of it.

[Toledo]

Yeah, but when I came in, I mean, we sent you home.

[Brett]

What did I say, Buddy, you need.

[Brady]

To get out of here.

[Toledo]

Go to the hospital.

[Brett]

You need to ride how you're doing.

[Toledo]

Go to the. Oh, my God, your face.

[Brett]

We weren't laughing at him. We felt terrible for him. And then when you left, we were.

[Toledo]

Laughing and Eric was laughing.

[Brett]

Well, Eric laughs at everything. He's gonna die a miserable.

[Listener]

Yeah, it's funny watching you in pain. Bogan.

[Brady]

You're gonna get hit by.

[Brett]

You're gonna get hit by a train and live talking about Eric.

[Listener]

Actually, I had a nightmare last night that I was in a plane crash.

[Brett]

Oh, is that bad?

[Toledo]

No, just keep having those. Those are good. Those are good reoccurring.

[Brett]

You know what you need to do, I've heard, is fly immediately after you have those dreams.

[Brady]

Get it out of yourself.

[Listener]

I'm flying in like three weeks, so I don't know. I'm a little freaked out now.

[Brett]

Okay.

[Toledo]

Are you going to see Mimo?

[Brett]

Are you going out to see me?

[Listener]

Yeah, I'm going to see Mimo.

[Brett]

You're going to fly out to Mimo?

[Listener]

I'm going to Oklahoma.

[Brett]

Are you really going to see Meo?

[Brady]

My dad.

[Brett]

Isn't your dad near Meemaw, though?

[Listener]

Yeah, Meemaw's going to. Jeez, such a pain.

[Toledo]

I knew it.

[Brett]

Eric and his Mima are flying together.

[Toledo]

They're going to go to Oklahoma to visit their brother Rick.

[Brett]

Meemaw wants a smoke, Eric. But they don't lie no more in these flyings. Meemaw, put your pipe down.

[Toledo]

I had never heard of this. You can't smoke on the plane.

[Listener]

You guys are real funny.

[Brett]

How long is this flight Because Meemaw does five an hour. I'm gonna need you to pull this death tube over so Meemaw can get a nick fit. Mimo needs wipes, I think. I don't.

[Listener]

You had your fun.

[Toledo]

It's gonna take 20 minutes to get through because.

[Brett]

Can I meet your Mima?

[Toledo]

All the coins she carries for the slots in Oklahoma.

[Brett]

Can I meet your memo? Eric, please.

[Listener]

I will bring my memo down for.

[Brady]

You to meet one day. All right?

[Toledo]

I want to take Meemaw.

[Brett]

It might ruin it. Will she ride on top of the car like Granny from the Beverly Hillbillies?

[Listener]

Yeah.

[Brett]

Okay, cool. Then we'll take her to lunch. We'll put a rocking chair in the back of the avalanche and make Meemaw ride back there.

[Listener]

Since you guys are done ripping on me now. Are you okay?

[Brady]

You're gonna just be sitting on that plane.

[Brett]

It's gonna be quiet for a few minutes. Just gonna hear. You know, Eric, your father is a fantastic kisser. Meemaw.

[Listener]

And you come down and meet my MeMaw at Sports Grill tonight with Coors Light from 7 to 9.

[Brett]

I left your papa. Cause he's hung like an Irishman.

[Toledo]

Jeez, Eric, It's Ruby Falls in Rock City.

[Brady]

Let's go.

[Listener]

You're from freaking Indiana, man. Rip on me for memaw.

[Brett]

I left. Yes, I can Memo.

[Listener]

Well, I've seen pictures of your toothless relatives.

[Brett]

Well, sure, but I left them, and I don't speak to them anymore. You know how it is. Except for that toothless cousin. She is good stuff.

[Brady]

It's science.

[Toledo]

Stay classy.

[Brett]

We'll talk to you later. Strong Bear is going to join us in a little bit. And people who always don't like Strong Bear need to listen to the people who do call Strong Bear. And you need to laugh at them. And the people who like Strong Bear need to admire. It's good for everybody, really. Do you think he will lay hands on my Hemi and heal me?

[Toledo]

Why don't you ask advice? Medical advice, you know, because he said there might be a herb you can.

[Brett]

Oh, that could be. He'll send me some herb story, right?

[Toledo]

Type of thing. Oral medication.

[Brett]

I'm hoping for that. And I'm gonna work really hard in the garage, which I now call the lab, and invent an oral medication for the Hemi.

[Alec Baldwin]

97.9.

[Brett]

It is a hemi talk here. We got a hemi under the hood, so.

[Toledo]

And that's what you're supposed to do. Yeah.

[Brett]

What's that? Hit it.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Toledo]

You take a mini bat to it, you know, like one of those numb Chuck bats.

[Brady]

Everybody's.

[Toledo]

Everybody's got a different suggestion, like a pinata.

[Brett]

This one lady called and said, I will die. I don't go to the doctor. I'm not going to. Going to the doctor for this. So I will die from.

[Toledo]

We're right here in Guadalupe, John. Let's fold you up and hang you.

[Brett]

Suspend you, pinata that thing down. I guarantee you candy's gonna come gushing out. But yeah, no, we gotta have me under the hood. You gotta go to the doctor evidently. And I ain't gonna do that. Yeah, Rich, where are you? It's sponsored. Anywho, I'm not gonna talk about it unless something bad happens, happens again, but I've ruined a pair of shorts and a pair of pants.

[Toledo]

Sitting right now, fine.

[Brett]

No, no, I don't have any pain. Everything's been fine for days.

[Brady]

It just.

[Brett]

The first day felt like I had.

[Brady]

A four year old's thumb in my butt.

[Brett]

And then like I was fine until last night. Until I looked in my drawers and realized that I had just had a cycle. I wasn't playing with anything. Shut up.

[Toledo]

I guess my advice to you is if it feels like Connie Hawkins thumb.

[Brady]

Go to the doctor.

[Brett]

That's. That's when I draw the line. When it. Yeah, when it feels like Amari Stoudemire is fisted. There you go. Then I'm gonna go to the doctor. But I will not go to the doctor for it. I will die from this. That is my rule. And some lady said, they're way up inside of you. They're way up. And see, you have to go to the doctor. I'm like not going to the doctor. Nobody's had the same. This is what worries me.

[Toledo]

Nobody's had the same remedy or something. If they're way up and then I don't know all.

[Brett]

I won't know what they do. All I'm saying is everybody that's emailed or called has had a different remedy. It's gone from peanut butter to, you know, enemas to everything. I'm not interested.

[Toledo]

I'll give you one last one.

[Brett]

Okay.

[Toledo]

Sandpaper. Take about 80 grit down there.

[Brett]

And I just picture that hillbilly from the, from the Dodge commercial just sitting there staring at me every time I'm applying. And he's fantasizing that I'm a hot girl.

[Brady]

You got a hemi under there? Come on.

[Brett]

Toledo timing.

[Brady]

Where are you?

[Brett]

Where is this guy? And that strong bear is gonna come on just a little bit. You Got a problem you need solved like I do.

[Brady]

There you go.

[Brett]

I'm gonna name it strong bear. It's 98 KUPD. You can call us, which is also interesting.

[Brady]

We'll see.

[Brett]

You may be talking to me. That may be the only way I'm on this show in a few days.

[Brady]

Because I will die from it.

[Brett]

It's 98 KUPD, Arizona's most powerful rock media station.

[Brady]

He said fully erect.

[Alec Baldwin]

98K.

[Brady]

You just gave me my reach around.

[Alec Baldwin]

Here's another Best of rerun from the morning sickness.

[Brady]

Ladies and gentlemen, the game we're gonna play today is very exciting. Put it on a loop. It's a.

[Brett]

It's great.

[Brady]

The host of the Match Game is here despite his lawyers and every bit of everybody telling him not to be. And he stands right here. It's a new game. Alec Baldwin's Fill in the Blanks is coming here now. And ladies and gentlemen, your host of Alec Baldwin's Fill in the blanks, Mr. Alec Baldwin.

[Brett]

Alec, come on in.

[Alec Baldwin]

The gun just went off. There's nothing I could do. You asked if I have a God complex. I am God. Brady, good to see you.

[Toledo]

You had a good interview the other night.

[Brady]

How you doing, buddy?

[Alec Baldwin]

I didn't do it.

[Brady]

I don't know what you're talking about.

[Alec Baldwin]

It's time now for Alec Baldwin's Fill in the Blanks. Listen here, Lemon. I didn't do it. That's not funny. I'll give you a quote. You fill in the blanks. Brady, are you ready?

[Toledo]

Ready?

[Alec Baldwin]

If I said to you, Brady, music's so loud. If I said to you, Brady, I didn't pull the blank and the quote was from Alec Baldwin, the answer was.

[Brady]

Would be Trigger.

[Alec Baldwin]

Trigger is correct. That's all we're looking for.

[Toledo]

Or hammer. Right. Hammer.

[Alec Baldwin]

Simple. Great game. Welcome. Now let's get on the phone and see what we've got. Oh, we've got to ask for them. I forgot. John should do that. I'll be right back.

[Brady]

That's right. We forgot to ask about that. You have to get Your calls in 585-9800. We need people to play.

[John Holmberg]

We got one.

[Brady]

Got one guy. He's ready to go. And the prizes are also digging into Mark Randall's life. We're just going to draw out of a hat things that we could give away. We don't have them. But we're gonna make Mark get them before he leaves. Because Mark's not gonna be here much longer. It's just as simple as punch. All right, now we've got it.

[Brett]

Wow.

[Brady]

It's.

[John Holmberg]

It's probably our phone line.

[Brady]

Interesting phone call. No, I'm just looking at the name of that id. Yeah, anyway. All right, let's go to it. Give me John on line one. Alec, come on back.

[Alec Baldwin]

I thought you guys were more prepared. I like a room that's prepared. A lot of the times when it's not prepared, people die. You know what I'm saying? John is on the line. John, are you there?

[Brady]

I'm here, John.

[Alec Baldwin]

Welcome to Alec Baldwin's Fill in the Blanks. Are you ready?

[Brady]

I am. It's kind of hard to hear you.

[Alec Baldwin]

Oh, that's why I say, here we go. How about now? Is that better? Sometimes it's hard to hear me because there's a lot of gunplay going on around here. Okay, here we are. Fill in the blanks, speak blank and carry a big steak.

[Brady]

Sorry, I'm gonna try it again.

[Alec Baldwin]

I said steak. Oh my God. I've made another error. People die when I make me hungry. Alright, here we go. Try this one. I'll do a different one then.

[Brady]

If you're looking for the.

[Alec Baldwin]

Oh, Jesus, a commercial.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, sorry about that.

[Alec Baldwin]

Give me blank or give me blank. Patrick Henry, fill in the blank.

[Brady]

Give me. Give me liberty or give me death. Correct.

[Alec Baldwin]

That's right. Good job. Number two. Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this blank. Mr. Gorbachev, wall. Wall is correct. That's two. Bill Murray said this in Ghostbusters. It's blank. This man has no blank. Fill in the blanks. It's blank. This man has no blank.

[Toledo]

Bill Murray, Ghostbusters, the office with the mayor. I remember this.

[Brady]

I don't remember that scene. It's. It's blank. This man has no blank.

[Alec Baldwin]

It's time is running out. Ready? It's time we ended this time.

[Brady]

This man has no life.

[Alec Baldwin]

Incorrect. I'm sorry to get rid of this man right here. Sorry about that.

[Brady]

Goodbye.

[Alec Baldwin]

It's true. This man has no dick.

[Toledo]

Great line.

[Alec Baldwin]

Great line. Let's try another one. PSA with sagebrush, are you there? PSA with sagebrush, you're on the line.

[Brady]

Yes, this is Michael.

[Alec Baldwin]

Michael, how are you this morning? I'm sorry.

[Brady]

Great.

[Alec Baldwin]

Still in the blanks.

[Brady]

It's a Boston in a basket.

[Alec Baldwin]

I think this man might be high.

[John Holmberg]

Po's calling in again.

[Toledo]

Get it right.

[Alec Baldwin]

Fill in the blank.

[Brady]

I love that. I love that.

[Alec Baldwin]

Quiet down, stoner.

[Brady]

Wow.

[Alec Baldwin]

Fill in the blank from Revenge of the Nerds. As spoken by Booger. What the F is a blank?

[Brady]

Oh, I didn't even Watch that movie. I'm sorry.

[Alec Baldwin]

No one's gonna complain. Oops, it went. We were looking for the word frush. What the F is a frosh?

[John Holmberg]

Hasn't seen that.

[Brady]

Yeah, I don't believe him.

[Alec Baldwin]

All right, let's go to this one. Hi there. What's your name? Hello.

[Brady]

Scott. Scott.

[Alec Baldwin]

Welcome to Alec Baldwin's Fill in the Blanks. Are you ready?

[Brady]

I'm absolutely right.

[Alec Baldwin]

This was spoken by Adolf Hitler. I don't see much future for the blanks. It's a decayed blank. Jew and race incorrect. Actually, we're looking for the word Americans and country. Let's get rid of him too. Let's try again. All right, we'll go to Christopher. Are you there? Hello? Hello, welcome to Alec Baldwin's Fill in the Blanks. Christopher, are you ready?

[Brady]

I am ready.

[Alec Baldwin]

All right, here we go. Also spoken by Adolf Hitler. Everything about the behavior of a blank society reveals that it's half judist. The other half. I'll just stop that. Everything about the behavior of a blank society reveals. Reveals that it's half Judas. A blank society Judaised.

[Brady]

Oh, man.

[Alec Baldwin]

Everything about the behavior of a blank society reveals it's half judged. Spoken by Hitler. Pretty soon.

[Brady]

Land decaying society incorrect.

[Alec Baldwin]

Yeah, we're looking for Jews.

[Brady]

Jews.

[Toledo]

You're just one question too.

[Alec Baldwin]

The last guy got that one right. I'm sorry, we have to let you go now.

[Brady]

Sorry.

[Alec Baldwin]

Goodbye. Next caller. Michael, are you there?

[Brady]

Big sexy.

[Alec Baldwin]

Big sexy. Welcome to Alec Baldwin's Fill in the Blanks. Are you ready?

[Brady]

Yes, sir.

[Alec Baldwin]

Here we go. I'm a mush. I can't read this one. I'm a blank laying. Mother effer. Mother effer.

[John Holmberg]

Get ready.

[Alec Baldwin]

I'm spoken by Samuel Jackson. I'm a blank laying. I'm a blank. Blank laying. Mother Effer. Mother. Effort. Mother. Wonderful movie. Sam Jackson.

[Brady]

I'm a big black.

[Alec Baldwin]

Sorry. Mushroom cloud. We're looking for mushroom cloud. The answer, big, black, not acceptable.

[Eric]

Not this time.

[Alec Baldwin]

I don't know that your listeners are understanding anything. Let's try another one. All right, let's try this next one here. Okay, Alan is there again. Let's go with the better one. That's terrible. I've always got a. Alan, are you there?

[Brady]

I am here.

[Alec Baldwin]

Welcome to Alec Baldwin's Fill in the Blanks. Are you ready?

[Brady]

I am ready.

[Alec Baldwin]

All right, let's try this. Hang on.

[Brady]

I got a good one here.

[Alec Baldwin]

How about this one? Ask not what you can do for your blank, but what your blank can do for your blank.

[Brady]

Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what your country can do for you.

[Alec Baldwin]

That's exactly right.

[Brady]

We got one. Good for you. And then your head blows up.

[Alec Baldwin]

There. All right. From the movie Risky Business. I don't believe this. I've got a trig midterm tomorrow and I'm being chased by Blank. The killer blank. Risky business.

[Brady]

Can I. Can I use a lifeline for Brett?

[Alec Baldwin]

Because I've never seen that movie. All right, I'll give you this. I'll give you one of the blanks. It's Guido. The next blank, you're on your own. I don't believe this. I've got a trigger. I don't know. When in doubt your audience goes to racism. Guido the killer pimp is what we were looking for. Sorry about that, Alan. Brett's liking this too much. Alec Bolton's Fill in the Blanks. It's turned into a big race ride. Brian is there. Brian, are you ready?

[Brady]

Yes.

[Alec Baldwin]

All right. Good luck to you, Brian. We're all counting on you. This goes back to Hitler again.

[John Holmberg]

You're asking for it.

[Alec Baldwin]

I'll skip Hitler this time.

[Toledo]

This time for the holidays.

[Alec Baldwin]

The writer of Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller. I'm a bit mentally blank like most Americans.

[Brady]

Exactly right.

[Alec Baldwin]

That's right. Variation of the work universe. Well done. Let's try another one here. Benjamin Franklin once said, diligence is the mother blank of good luck. Diligence is the mother blank of good luck.

[Brady]

Mother Teresa.

[Alec Baldwin]

She wasn't alive in front.

[Toledo]

That was his.

[Alec Baldwin]

A superior.

[Brady]

All right.

[Alec Baldwin]

Thank you. Goodbye. I have to let you go. Let's take another break.

[John Holmberg]

Okay.

[Alec Baldwin]

I'll be in the hallway. Whoops.

[Toledo]

Your hands are shaking.

[Alec Baldwin]

I don't know what I've done.

[Brady]

Poor Alec. He's so shaky. He looks tired.

[Toledo]

He's getting out there though.

[Brady]

Benjamin Franklin said some other superior to them. Speak softly and carry a big stick. This is the Theodore Roosevelt. We'll get another round of that. I like Alec Baldwin's Fill in the blanks. Makes everybody uncomfortable. Evidently. Yeah.

[John Holmberg]

Because it always goes to race right away too.

[Brett]

I don't know. Dago.

[Brady]

Yeah, that's exactly what we're looking for. The answer we were looking for for was dago. Cuz so many great quotes. Dago's involved. Benjamin Franklin often says the mother dago of great invention.

[Alec Baldwin]

This is the best of Homburg's morning sickness. 98 Kup.

[Brady]

Brand new game show which I'm enjoying quite a bit. Alec Baldwin's Fill in the Blanks. I really enjoy this game. I Think it's fun? It's time you put them back into the forefront of music and everything else.

[Alec Baldwin]

The music begins.

[Brady]

Alex stands outside. Come on in here, Mr. Baldwin. Let's make you happy again. Come on in.

[Alec Baldwin]

Sound like horrible's happened outside.

[Brady]

What happened?

[Alec Baldwin]

Actually, I. I picked something up and I. I cocked it, and then Jim Gardner's gone. I just found out. It was hours ago.

[Toledo]

I thought she just fainted.

[Alec Baldwin]

I didn't do it on purpose. Just happens. Are we ready to play the game?

[Toledo]

Yeah.

[Alec Baldwin]

Hell, I love the game as well. People love me. I'm likable. God. People think I have a God compliment when I'm holding a gun.

[Brett]

I am God.

[Alec Baldwin]

Printing up first quote, printed a thousand blank pages. Blank pages.

[Brady]

I hate the blank pages.

[Toledo]

Oh, it's the worst.

[Alec Baldwin]

Nothing worse than a blank page. You think they're full of something, they're full of something else.

[Toledo]

And some pictures came out.

[Alec Baldwin]

Photos, crime scene. I hate those too. These are amazing. All right, thank you.

[Toledo]

We got them lined up.

[Brady]

All right.

[Alec Baldwin]

We got him on the phone, but I can't reach the phone from here, so we just have to talk amongst ourselves. How are you, Brady?

[Toledo]

Good.

[Alec Baldwin]

Hey, will you hold this for me? Oh, my God.

[Toledo]

I'm so sorry.

[Alec Baldwin]

What has happened? It's a terrible thing. We're out of printer paper. Remember when we had a producer?

[Brett]

Yeah.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Alec Baldwin]

Now Brett's doing it all.

[Toledo]

He's fast.

[Alec Baldwin]

Tell me, Brady, did you like 30 Rock?

[Toledo]

That was big fan.

[Alec Baldwin]

It's a great show.

[Toledo]

Yeah, very fun.

[Alec Baldwin]

Nothing better than Liz Lemon when she had a party. A lemon party is the best party you can attend.

[Brady]

I think heard that before.

[Alec Baldwin]

Let's go to phone.

[Toledo]

If you can organize a lemon party.

[Alec Baldwin]

I'm all in. On the line is Russ.

[Brady]

Russ is online, Mom.

[Alec Baldwin]

Let's go there. Russ, are you there?

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Alec Baldwin]

Welcome to Alec Balsam's Fill in the blanks. Are you ready?

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Alec Baldwin]

You sound like an intelligent man. Are you?

[Brady]

Sort of. Yes.

[Toledo]

Rust is his name.

[Alec Baldwin]

Rust. Rust. Oh, my God, it's Rust. It's Rust from the. I know who Rust is.

[Brady]

You're here for me. Who wins?

[Alec Baldwin]

I can't even hear the word. All right, Rust. Here we go. I'm in a new movie called Rust. Eventually it'll come out. We've got some things to fix up. We still have some film to shoot.

[Brady]

Oh, my God.

[Alec Baldwin]

I said it again.

[Brady]

Ah, that's my ass.

[Alec Baldwin]

Consider yourself lucky. It hit you in the ass. Normal land, point blank.

[Brady]

Right on.

[Alec Baldwin]

Here we go. These are brutal. All right, here we go. All right, I'm trying to find a good one for you. All right, here we go. These are all hilarious. All right, from the movie Stripes. The question now either are you. Sorry again now, are either of you homosexuals? Then he answers with, you mean like blank?

[Brett]

Or.

[Alec Baldwin]

Are either of you homosexual? You mean like blank or.

[Brady]

Or gay? Incorrect.

[Alec Baldwin]

Classic movie Stripes. The word we look for was flaming. I'm sorry, we have to let you go. Nice try. You took a shot. Let's go to Pat on mine too. Are you ready, Pat?

[Brady]

Yes, sir.

[Alec Baldwin]

Are you ready to play Alec Baldwin's Fill in the Blanks? Cuz I'm.

[Brady]

I will fill the blank.

[Alec Baldwin]

All right. Good luck. Blank rang out like a bell. I grabbed my blank, all I heard was blank. The Great Vanilla Ice.

[Brady]

Oh, no.

[Alec Baldwin]

Blank rang out like a bell. I grabbed my blank, all I heard was blank.

[Brady]

Rolling.

[Alec Baldwin]

I got nothing. Take a shot. I did.

[Toledo]

All right.

[Brady]

The shot rang out like a bell and I. I grabbed my gun and we fled. Oh, close.

[Alec Baldwin]

That's exactly what I did. That sounds like my day, but no, that's not right. Sorry. Blank rang out like a bell. I grabbed my blank. All I heard was blank.

[Toledo]

Brady shells.

[Alec Baldwin]

That's right. I grabbed my blank.

[John Holmberg]

My nine.

[Alec Baldwin]

That's right. Everyone knows. All right, final one. We'll get two more. Robert, are you there?

[Brady]

Yes, I am.

[Alec Baldwin]

Welcome to Alec Baldwin's Fill in the Blanks. Good luck. This is from Abraham Lincoln. Four blank and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth upon this blank a new blank. You get all three and you win the prize. Four blank. And seven years ago, our fathers brought forth upon this blank a new blank.

[Brady]

On this continent a new nation.

[Alec Baldwin]

Four blank. And seven years ago.

[Brady]

And you got it dedicated to.

[Alec Baldwin]

You're missing the first blank. You're just reading the Gettysburg Address. Now all you're doing is reading the Gettysburg Address. Give me the first one for blank. Seven years ago, our fathers brought forth upon this blank a new blank upon this continent. Yes, you've got that. Four blank. Seven years ago.

[Brady]

Four years, four scores.

[Alec Baldwin]

Finally. It would be like Brady trying to read the Gettysburg Addresses. The words not in order don't matter.

[Toledo]

What'd you put here? Scores.

[Alec Baldwin]

All right, we'll give him prizes. Hold on a second. And Robert, you got one. Nice job. Robert is also Santa Claus. I don't know if you know that. He's a grown man who laughs exactly like Santa. All right, final one. Slater from Saved by the Bell. How are you, Slater? I'm good.

[Brady]

How are you? Good.

[Alec Baldwin]

Not while I've been Better. I'll be honest. All right, Here we go. Alec Baldwin's fill in the blanks. Here we are. Good luck to you. Here we are. From Ozzy Osborne. But a blank in the dark, One step away from you. A blank in the dark Always blanking up on you. Um. A shot in the dark One step away from you. A blank in the dark Always blanking up on you.

[Brett]

Oh, but a shot in the dark, one step away. A shot in the dark always creeping on you.

[Alec Baldwin]

That's exactly right. We have another one. Well done.

[John Holmberg]

Just going for one this time.

[Alec Baldwin]

Yeah, that's it. Well done. Can't take these people in. They make me want to grab my. My prop gun. Just start shells falling on the rust set real fast.

[Toledo]

They've gone cold on your quotes.

[Alec Baldwin]

Everyone's gone cold around me, Brady. I make bodies turn cold. Go see rust whenever it comes out. Someday be fantastic. I'm going now. It's been nice to see you again, Brady. I'm glad you all survived me fast.

[Brady]

There you go. Salic balls.

[Alec Baldwin]

When everybody.

[Brady]

Nicely done, Al. Oh, geez.

[Brett]

And the crowd laugh.

[Brady]

They're just happy to have survived. Which ones didn't we get? There were tons of them. And this time, I have to give the group credit. They didn't say Jew or the N word or anything.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, it was kind of bored.

[Brett]

Yeah, I know.

[Brady]

I kind of kind of killed. Brett's fun in the game. Yeah, we have some good ones in here. But Brett seems to pick all the ones that were. The blanks would be cuss words or something awful. So what am I supposed to do with Jules Winfield? Sewer wrap might taste like pumpkin pie, but I'd never know because I wouldn't eat the filthy mother effort. Like, somewhere along the line, I have to blank out pumpkin pie. Or like, it just makes the quote no fun. And then Tony Monero. Everything Brett found was stuff from his collection. This is from Saturday night fever. Would you just watch the blank? You know, I had to work on my blank a long time. And you hit it. He hits my blank. The word is hair. From John Travolta movie. We might have to have a different writer for the games.

[Brett]

All right.

[Brady]

There you go.

[Brett]

Well done.

[Brady]

And thank you to Alec Baldwin for taking time out of his busy schedule. He's hosting a show on Thursday. He's got a lot going on besides what he's got going on. Alec Baldwin's fill in the blanks. I really enjoyed that.

[Alec Baldwin]

Arizona's most powerful rock radio station.

[Brady]

He said fully erect.

[Alec Baldwin]

The best of homework's morning sickness. I'm 98 KUPD.

[John Holmberg]

This segment brought to you guys by MMP Guns on 12th street in Indian School. Inside a mo money pond. Now, MMP Guns is your firearms expert. Whether you look for a new firearm for yourself, for your girlfriend, your wife, you want to build one, you need accessories. You need ammo. If they don't got it, they'll get it. It's MMP Guns over on 12th street in Indian School. Check them out online at MMP Guns dot com.

[Brady]

This one says I started the same thing. Dear Brady, I'm a Maya. I can't read those words without saying it that way. And I think he wants me to. He goes, I make 165k a year. Thanks.

[Brett]

I got a wife.

[Brady]

She does not work. And I'm okay with that. Take care of everything. Well, the other night, she sat me down in a very, very serious way and said we needed to talk. She told me I'm not meeting her needs, not sexually. Like I said, I'm a man. But she said I don't do enough around the house, and it's making her feel less bad. And she's right. I don't vacuum, I don't mop, I don't clean the house, and I don't do the laundry. I froze, though, because I didn't know what to say. Everything in my head was going to make this worse. Like, without me, there isn't a house to clean. Not the right thing to say. What's my next move, Steven? That's a tough one.

[Toledo]

It is a tough one.

[Brady]

You.

[Toledo]

You have to, you know, here's the main thing on it. She's feeling very undervalued, and she brings a lot of that on herself. How you can fix that sometimes is by showing some appreciation.

[Brady]

Sure.

[Toledo]

I mean, because. And that might be tougher to do, but the minute you, you know, they start. It's a tough one because if you're. Everything I've done, I've maintained this thing, I provide, I provided it for you. It's pretty good life.

[Brady]

Your only job is to keep it up.

[Toledo]

But.

[Brady]

And you're telling me that now, that's that. Like, see, guys, usually I'm wildly guilty of this. Fall into the passive aggressive thing. Yep. And start saying, oh, okay. And you start doing the. Well, I need to let you know that I'll help out. Despite having this job. Like, you start feel. You start making them feel like, you know.

[Toledo]

Yeah.

[Brady]

I want you to appreciate me. And me asking is a wimpy move as a man. So It's a figuring out that appreciation.

[Toledo]

To so a tough one, right? Because sometimes it's not like, oh, hey, you know, Right, good.

[Brady]

Or you can get quickly resentful. If you start going, all right, I'll start acknowledging that. Because you'll start saying things like, man, the house is so clean. Thank you very much. And then your brain, you're like, where's mine? Where's my. Hey, thanks for working and paying for that. Like, you. Yeah, I'm guilty of that. Like, that's a thing I've had to work hard on because my brain will say, if you, if I need to recognize you, you better recognize me. And I get like, immediately resentful. And it's not fair. It's not fair at all. But it does make you feel like, okay, if you're going to be that way, I'm going to be this way. Rather than saying, all right, I understand what you're saying. Because I think a guy takes that as an insult, is like, you're not doing enough around here. And your brain just goes, are you kidding me? Like, no guy hears that and goes, you know what? You're right. We all think, yeah, we all get upset. Like, oh, I do plenty. You don't see, like, you know, that kind of thing. And yeah, cleaning up and all that.

[Toledo]

You can get fall into this trap a little bit too, and saying, wow, well, let's reverse roles.

[Brady]

Well, you see, there's the passive aggressive garbage. There's the thing where you're not listening. You're just saying, oh, yeah, what about me? And what you could do is sit down and go, all right, because she had the guts to tell you her needs aren't being met with.

[Toledo]

The needs are.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Toledo]

And say, well, then how. How can I help?

[Brady]

Yeah, what do you need me to do?

[Toledo]

But then at the same time, you know, you would. You kind of like it to be back on the other side too. Like, you'd like to hear from her.

[Brady]

But you gotta ask. You gotta ask if she's got the guts to say it. You have that. You have to have the guts to say, all right, cool. And you know, for most chicks, picking up the girls have a weird thing. They move the trash. They don't take the trash out. They move it from where the trash goes to, like by a door. And what you don't realize as a guy is, is that's your job now. It's by the door.

[Toledo]

Take the trash out.

[Brady]

You. That's taking the trash out. But you just took it from here to there. I See what's going on now. But for a while there, when you'd look at that trash without saying a word to me, somehow I'm failing. Like, you moved it over there and didn't say anything, and I'm supposed to notice immediately and go do it.

[Eric]

I honestly thought that only happened to me.

[Brady]

It happens to all of us.

[John Holmberg]

Every one of us.

[Eric]

Seriously, dude, I've tripped over it. Going out the door, going, oh, how'd that get there?

[Brady]

I figured you were doing something with it. Like, it's a project. Yeah, no, that's. That's universal. Oh. And you start to realize when somebody has the courage to say, I do this, thinking you'd notice, and you're like, I never have. And a woman has to hear, I never have. As I think he's authentically saying he's never seen that before. He's not trying to be mean. And she has to say that. And you have to say, oh, she puts that there for me to do the rest.

[Eric]

Yeah, but he had the follow up on that, though. We're like, okay, all right, I just tripped over the trash. I'll take that out. And then you come back in. And she goes, you didn't put a bag back in the trash.

[Brady]

Well, no, I know there's. That's the semantics.

[Eric]

That's three steps beyond what I was allowing.

[Brady]

What most guys do when a wife says something like, I don't feel like.

[Alec Baldwin]

I don't think they doing enough around here.

[Brady]

And, you know, you're in a situation where she's not working and you are, I've been there. And. And you're. And then you end up saying, well, then I need a blowjob every day because I work my ass. You start getting all indignant and mean.

[John Holmberg]

And let me write this down.

[Brady]

Yeah, this is the. If my needs aren't being met either. Because if. If it's about providing everything, you have to recognize that it's. It's a delicate wrong.

[Eric]

But I think that there's something in that, too. For guys to be able to say.

[Brady]

That, essentially, you just have to go, it's not that bad to take the garbage the rest of the way.

[John Holmberg]

In your mind, too, you're like, okay, so you took the garbage out, moved it by the door. You could have went another 40ft.

[Brady]

Saying, if Brady went over here and took this trash can to the door and I didn't do anything about it afterwards, and he goes, what are you doing? We'd be in a fist fight. Like, shut up, idiot. You walked it to Their finish.

[Toledo]

Exactly.

[Brady]

But as guys, we can do that. As a girl says it, and it's like, oh, I'm losing a test here. Like, something's going on. Yep, it is. All of us. And women. I kind of see now what you're saying. It took 50 years, but I kind of see, like, oh, I get it.

[John Holmberg]

Oh, there goes my text. You're an idiot.

[Brady]

Already texted. They hate that.

[Toledo]

Oh, I know.

[Brady]

That's the most hard communication between the sexes ever is. Why do you only take the garbage to the door?

[Toledo]

Why don't you take it to the trash?

[Brady]

I thought you were doing that. You were, like, halfway finished. You don't do anything around here. You just make messes. Like, that's messy.

[Toledo]

It doesn't even make it to the door. Mine is just. Can you take the trash out for me, please? She won't pull it out of the thing.

[Brady]

Nice.

[Toledo]

Yeah.

[Brady]

She's asking instead of, like, the trash just laying in another room. And you're like, what's this for?

[Eric]

Multiple texts are saying, hey, Steven, you need her to become a dink with you.

[Brady]

Yeah. Get her in on this. And then tell her, look, deep down, this is the truth. As a guy, you'll sit back and if you hear those words, you're like, look, look, I can't do this. I need you to provide.

[Listener]

Yeah.

[Brady]

I need you to kick in. If there's an issue, then you'll have value. You'll stop your resentment value. You'll kill. And you can't help but have some resentment when somebody says, you're not doing enough around here and you feel like you're doing it all. You throw a kid, you're not, right. Oh, forget it. With a kid in the mix, I can't imagine. But you're not that discussion.

[Toledo]

Like, here's the thing, happens to me throughout this, over the time, what my worries is, what would we do? What would happen?

[Brady]

Right? Because, you know, no one's right. That's the bigger thing, right? She's not right saying you're not fulfilling your end, and you're not right saying she's not doing her part.

[Eric]

Yeah, there's a bunch of these text too.

[Brady]

There's not.

[Eric]

Here's one. F that indignant bitch, hire a maid and let her know she's replaceable. That's one.

[Brady]

Now there's a guy's brain working the same way. Brady took the trash to the door. Like, hey, Brady, would you take the trash out?

[Eric]

Finish another one is I'd show her some appreciation. I'd buy her A brand new vacuum.

[John Holmberg]

There's a Dyson. Get to work, sister.

[Brady]

And ladies, this is what guys actually are thinking when you say stupid stuff like that. But guys, we have to be on the other side too. And recognize the brains don't operate correctly. I'm guessing it's a fact. Compared to ours, they don't. And so you have to. Oh, I see what's going on. That was stupid. But I understand what you're doing. And they think that of us, but they're wrong. They're. Their brains are goofed up. And then.

[Eric]

I'm not sure who sent this one, but I guess women. You know, there are worse things.

[Brady]

Okay, yes, there's cancer. Shut up.

[John Holmberg]

Back in the dryer.

[Brett]

Put your head in the dryer.

[Toledo]

We're talking about this right now.

[John Holmberg]

Get stuck in the dryer.

[Alec Baldwin]

Shut up.

[Brady]

That had to be from a woman because immediately my response was shut up, John.

[Eric]

My issue is she wants me to take out the trash before it's totally full. Trust me, I can always fit more trash in that container.

[Brady]

Let me tell you this.

[John Holmberg]

That's a guy's.

[Brady]

Yeah. My bathroom trash. I'm convinced I've broken a record. If you were to like try to peel out what's in. I get my hands and smash the self compactor. Brady taught me this at the Mongolian barbecue. You can mash that down into nothing. Nothing. If you peeled it back, there'd be like vote Obama stickers in the bottom of my trash. It's a crazy mashed up thing.

[Toledo]

That little two gallon bathroom. When you pull that bag out of there, it weighs 40 pounds.

[Brady]

It's a time capsule.

[Toledo]

It turns into a 20 gallon.

[Brady]

God knows what's in there. Like memories.

[John Holmberg]

Billy had the worst one. Have a couple kids and make them do all the chores.

[Brady]

There's no.

[John Holmberg]

Not worth it.

[Brady]

There's the reason to have kids. But I'd still rather just take the trash from the door. Absolutely. On the ladies take it to the trash. We take it. It's been that way forever. And the faster we just accept that that's some sort of thing to them as. As illogical as it is. It's not caving. It's just the stupidest thing I've ever thought of in my life. I'm gonna take the trash to here. That's what I'm saying. Why. Why not just go. You take it the rest of the way. All right. I didn't know it was a relay race to the alley, but okay.

[John Holmberg]

The worst is a guy. You get like one of those Ones like God damn it, I gotta walk around this trash bag.

[Brady]

Exactly.

[Toledo]

Exactly.

[Brady]

For years I've stepped over the traffic. Why did she just take it to that?

[Eric]

Oh, it says John, I just had the my needs are not being met conversation with my stay at home life. Had to be real careful how I replied. You just have to be more vocal in your appreciation. Communicate what you do.

[Brady]

Take the trash from the door to.

[Eric]

The thing instead of letting her know the BS you deal with. Yeah, she don't care about that. She thinks you are great. Probably. Probably because you don't say what you're dealing with on a day to day basis.

[Brady]

Because we don't come home from work. And about all the girls at work.

[Toledo]

Exactly.

[Brady]

We internal.

[Toledo]

The other thing is our job's a little different too because sometimes we're home.

[Brady]

Middle of the day and it does look pretty bad.

[Toledo]

And you have a blast at what you do.

[Brady]

Well then you do.

[Toledo]

That was early on.

[Brady]

You try it. Yeah, I have fun.

[John Holmberg]

Notice you're still sleeping at 4:15 in the morning when I'm waking up.

[Brady]

And also I'm observing things constantly talk with Tripp. I'm like. It's, it's. It wears your brain out. Constantly thinking, all right, what do we got going on? What I got. Tomorrow we're going to bed. That's my last thought every night for 20 something years.

[Alec Baldwin]

What's happening?

[Brady]

How do I manufacture something in this and that? It's not easy, but it isn't roofing, but it's still dream. We're all bad. We're bad to them, they're bad to us. No one will ever. You know who the biggest problem in marriage is? The goddamn Hefty Corporation.

[Eric]

Yep.

[Brady]

Because they created those drawstring bags that are easy to move to the door. Yeah, they're easy to move to the door. And for some reason that's where leak proof.

[Brett]

I'll just put this here and see.

[Brady]

If this asshole can ever figure out.

[Toledo]

Where the trash goes.

[Brady]

And that's what we're thinking about.

[John Holmberg]

You know it's not gonna happen.

[Brady]

They should print it on the top of the trash bag. Hey, take it all the way.

[Eric]

John, what about us?

[Brady]

Let's go all the way. 1.

[Toledo]

Instead they invented the cinch sack. Cinch sack.

[Brady]

Here, this is easy to just drop.

[Brett]

Next to the door.

[Brady]

Take it all the goddamn way.

[Eric]

John, what about us ladies that would love to be a stay at home wife? I'll take her place. Yeah, I enjoy sex. I just had to quit a second job. If someone is willing to Take care of me. We're out here. I'm here.

[Brady]

You'd be mopping.

[John Holmberg]

Yeah, well, you shouldn't have dated the bass player from a local band.

[Brady]

Yeah, and I always picture that lady, like, so appreciative that she's got a sack of hefty over her shoulder. There's a gale force wind. She's got her arm up above her eyes as she walks all the way to the alley. They're like, watch this. A woman going all the way to the alley to throw the trash out. It's in the worst storm you've ever seen. She's not leaving it by the door. But they do that and we step over it. We're both wrong.

[Eric]

John, how is this not the toilet.

[Brett]

Seat up or down scenario?

[Eric]

It really is in the same situation. Just grosser.

[Alec Baldwin]

Yeah, it is.

[Toledo]

Just put it on the list.

[Brady]

The toilet. The toilet seat thing, it goes down.

[Eric]

We mean halfway up.

[Brady]

Why don't you lift it up when you're not using it and then I'll put it down when I'm done using you.

[John Holmberg]

Here we go.

[Brady]

I know. There we go. Chicken and the egg. Gays have it figured out.

[Eric]

That's what this guy.

[Brady]

She's always down.

[Eric]

Gay household next to me. John, it goes like this. Honey, can you take out the trash? Of course, sweetheart. Let me wash my hands when I get back and I'll blow you.

[Brady]

Yes. Yeah. Let's both vacuum. Like that's what gay houses do. I'll get a vacuum too. Get done twice as fast and back to the blow jobs.

[John Holmberg]

So your neighbors are never having this argument? You don't hear them screaming over the fence about the trash and stuff?

[Brady]

Never in the toilet seat.

[Brett]

Never.

[Brady]

Usually their argument is, you got in my hair. That's it.

[Toledo]

I told you not.

[Brady]

No, that's yours. No, that's yours. That's the only argument is who's. Who's gooey stuff is this.

[Eric]

Now we got somebody's guilt going? John, my husband pays all the bills. I work, though. And I pay for the groceries and the kids needs and my phone because I bought it myself. I just want your opinion. He makes a lot more money than me.

[Toledo]

A lot.

[Eric]

But I don't ask him for money. But we both clean and cook. Does that mean I'm not doing enough?

[Brady]

No. But you feel like you're not because he makes more than you. So you've gotten competitive in your head on who's better and who's worse and what's going on. She's feeling you keep. Yeah, you're feeling guilty. Otherwise you wouldn't have said, he makes more than me. What do I do? Like he's sharing that with.

[Eric]

Comfortable with it.

[Brady]

He's happy with it. Yeah. Good. That's both of you, so long as you're not holding it over your head. And I've been guilty of that, too. Right. Anyway, dad will never solve this problem. Take the goddamn garbage out. Everybody. Take the trash out. Your job, man, woman, or child. John.

[Eric]

Does no one wonder why gay houses are so neat and proper? Come on, put two.

[Brady]

Two. Let me tell you this because the trash is never sitting by the door.

[Toledo]

That's right.

[Brady]

Dude picks it up. I don't care how Twinkie is.

[Alec Baldwin]

He's pulling it all the way out.

[Brady]

And he's walking it out to the big camp.

[John Holmberg]

It's not a slalom course to get from the garage.

[Brady]

It isn't some sort of a. It's your turn. Go, go. I mean, they're so right that they usurped the word for happy from the late 1800s and made it them.

[Eric]

This sounds like it might have been your dad, John. When I was about 12, I remember my mom went to my dad and told him they need to split the inside chores, and they made a list of who gets to do what. My dad said, okay, cool. I'm with that. Then he gave her a list back and said, these are the things need to be done outside the house.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Eric]

That ended the conversation right then and there. Never brought up again.

[Brady]

Or, yeah, I'm willing to go to work, come home, and do half the housework. You got to hit your knees first, four or five times a week. They don't like hearing that. Is that all I'm good for?

[Alec Baldwin]

If that were true, I wouldn't be here, right?

[Toledo]

Right.

[Brady]

All I'm good for is sex.

[Brett]

I don't know.

[Brady]

Let me check back from August when the last time it happened was.

[Eric]

Ladies, let this be your barometer. If you're feeling guilty about it, just blow.

[Brett]

Oh.

[Brady]

And there you go.

[Toledo]

It goes away.

[Brady]

I should have a shirt on. It says, lick the tip, there'll be no fight. I don't care how mad I am at you. If you're like, sorry, yeah, well, let that be a lesson to you. And then we're done. Simple animal.

[Toledo]

Look, I was a little hard on you.

[Brady]

Finish the goddamn trash, though. That's all I ask.

[Alec Baldwin]

Arizona's most powerful rock radio station.

[Brady]

He said, fully erect. Chew and poop.

[Toledo]

That's all they do.

[Listener]

That's all they're good for.

[Alec Baldwin]

Chewing and pooping the best of Holmberg's morning sickness. This is the big Red radio.

[Brady]

Hey, everybody, it's John Holmberg here. This entertainment drill that was from the past is brought to you by our [e-mail], home of tactical Black. A couple days left for that super holiday special they got going on right now. Two months of training for $199. That's unheard of for personal training. Amazing prices for all they have to offer. Check out everything they've got [e-mail] then give them a call and head on over to Glendale. Head on down to Phoenix and get yourself in shape and ready for the new year. Start being a sheepdog. Stop being a sheep. Reactdefense.com the home of Tactical Black. Brady from the past. Entertain me, Brady.

[Brett]

It's been a very Hollywood day.

[Toledo]

Yes, it has.

[Brett]

David Faustino. Jace Mewes. Who's Danny Trio?

[Brady]

The girl. The girl.

[Brett]

The girl that didn't talk. I felt bad for her.

[Toledo]

She's pretty.

[Brett]

She's the one that. If she came in here by herself. Exactly. That's all we're. That's all we're left.

[Brady]

She's purdy.

[Brett]

We're just a bunch of hillbillies. That birdie girl stood there real quiet.

[Brady]

Like the whole time I looked at.

[Toledo]

Her and I said, hi, and I said, dang, Miss America.

[Brady]

I'm a marry blonde woman. You're pertinent.

[Listener]

But yeah, watch, she'll blow up. She'll be like the next Nicole Kidman or something.

[Brett]

That'd be great just based on her performance here, you think? Yeah, could be. It's time for the entertainment drill.

[Brady]

Brady Entertainment.

[Toledo]

On Wednesday, the U.S. bankruptcy judge voided Robert Blake's bid for Chapter 11. He got denied, so he's on the hook for the 30 million dollar payback.

[Brett]

Oh, he's got to pay it.

[Toledo]

Pay the family. Yeah.

[Brett]

Does Beretta have 30 million bones?

[Toledo]

Oh, evidently he's got some cash because.

[Brett]

They wouldn't turn shaking his head. Oh, yeah, you think so?

[Listener]

How do you know? What do you hang out with Robert Blake?

[Toledo]

He claimed his total assets were $500,000 the max.

[Brady]

Tim, turn. You just sit there and keep your.

[Brett]

Eye on the sparrow. Okay?

[Brady]

Before.

[Listener]

Before he was here, he was Robert Blake's intern. This is coffee Boy.

[Brett]

Few people got that.

[Toledo]

But, you know, maybe he's making that kind of coin being a stable boy. Right now Barry Bonds is suing the two authors who detailed the steroid use in their new book, Game of Shadows. But he's not suing them for libel. He's suing them because they obtained documents that were confidential. His testimony, the grand jury. So he's not suing them about the actual.

[Brett]

I have a. I have a book I'm doing with my grandma and we talked to her earlier about how Barry Bonds is on steroids and he goes back to Africa to start a missionary and. Yeah, missionary, yeah. I don't know.

[Alec Baldwin]

But the hospital.

[Brett]

I'm not sure what my grandma was up to there. I don't know. But either way, my book is called that Lying Filthy Berry Bonds is on Steroids. He can sue me if he wants, but when you're, you know, 35 and 180 pounds and 40 and 290 pounds and you can climb buildings and stuff.

[Toledo]

But his point to the lawsuit is on this is he wants the profits to go to, you know, him, basically, because.

[Listener]

Of course he does. Because he doesn't have enough money.

[Brett]

No, exactly. Well, he is selling the book.

[Toledo]

People are. Exactly.

[Brett]

If it was for him, that book has no chance. But that's why my book, Lying, Filthy, Dirty, Greasy Barry Bonds is on Steroids should go through the roof just based on the. I think so. It's 400 pages of my opinion of why I think Barry Bonds is on steroids.

[Toledo]

Well, Barry is going to actually talk about steroids. He's got that reality show that's going to run on ESPN April 4th and.

[Brett]

Which is being nice.

[Toledo]

He didn't want to talk about it, but the producer says I'm not gonna be able to air this thing unless you address it.

[Brett]

What's the point?

[Listener]

Yeah, the thing is, if he didn't do it, why isn't he suing these guys for slander?

[Alec Baldwin]

I don't know.

[Listener]

You sue him first, then you're saying.

[Toledo]

He'S just talking about. These guys are basically profiting off of him.

[Listener]

Right, but that's. The lawsuit has nothing to do with the slander. You know, he's not saying they're wrong.

[Toledo]

Which it's out of. Nail him. Yeah, the Barry movies this weekend, Inside man, that's a Spike Lee film that was gonna suck.

[Brett]

But that thing is getting great reviews. You know what? Jody Foster and Denzel Washington about the bank heist. Oh, it looks.

[Toledo]

This is not a bank heist.

[Listener]

Must be Dog Day Afternoonish.

[Brett]

Yeah, but Jody Foster actually looks pretty in it, which is shocking because there's.

[Toledo]

Another movie that's Sophia Bush and Rewind the tape. John just said that Jody Foster, she.

[Brett]

Did look kind of hot. Have you seen the previews of this. She looks pretty in it.

[Toledo]

And Jody Foster.

[Brett]

I'm not saying it's like Adriana Lima.

[Toledo]

Eric is dashing out right after this show and catching the first show of Larry the Cable Guy. Health inspector.

[Brett]

Anybody who thinks that's funny still.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Brett]

You should be shot.

[Listener]

Thank you.

[Brett]

Tim.

[Brady]

Turn.

[Brett]

Get her done.

[Brady]

Get her done. Get her done.

[Brett]

Looks like you got a toilet out.

[Brady]

Of work there, huh? I can fix that. Get her done.

[Brett]

Hilarious.

[Listener]

Way to go, John.

[Brady]

Get her done.

[Listener]

You screwed us now.

[Brett]

Why all of a.

[Toledo]

We're gonna get turn that right now. That Terms trademarked.

[Brady]

Get her done.

[Listener]

We have just lost about half our listeners.

[Brett]

Was it ever funny to any of you guys?

[Brady]

I thought.

[Brett]

All right. Really? Tim, turn. No, I never got this.

[Listener]

I like the original. The comedy show. They did the blue collar comedy to him.

[Brady]

I never.

[Toledo]

I laugh at the voice more than anything.

[Brett]

That one.

[Listener]

Yeah, he had some good. He had some good jokes.

[Toledo]

Hillbilly talks funny.

[Listener]

Did you just say hillbilly?

[Brett]

Twice.

[Toledo]

See, Hillbilly talks funny.

[Brett]

Not hillbilly talk is funny. Hillbilly talks.

[Toledo]

PJ from aj.

[Brady]

Get her done. Get her done. Get her done. Get her done.

[Brett]

That's all I do. When I see him on tv. I usually to love Hee Haw. Not really, but it's the same thing. The get her done thing is just as good. He might as well pop out of.

[John Holmberg]

A corn patch and say it.

[Brett]

Get her done.

[Toledo]

There's some babes on Hee Haw.

[Brady]

Yeah.

[Brett]

That's the only reason anybody. Well, my grandpa watched Hee Haw.

[Listener]

Hold on.

[Eric]

That goes back to your whole theory about Woohoo.

[Brett]

Well, my Woohoo means that something bad's.

[Listener]

About to happen and you just did it, so.

[Brett]

Oh, well, no, I mean, only in.

[Listener]

You're just jealous because he has like.

[Brett]

50 million, $80 million last year, 90 products that he sells at Circle.

[Toledo]

I told you yesterday about Fantasia Barrino and her Lifetime movie about herself. She's gonna play.

[Brett]

Who's gonna read her the script she can't read?

[Toledo]

Good question. She's scheduled to air in August, so.

[Brett]

She'Ll have to better get on it. She better brush up on the fact she can't read.

[Toledo]

It might be pretty much like a waiting for government. They're gonna let her improv?

[Brett]

I don't need to read it, mate.

[Brady]

I love that.

[Toledo]

Best in show. She'll improv with. Yeah, with Fred Willard every time she. Fred Willard will play her dad.

[Brett]

You think?

[Toledo]

No, I don't.

[Brett]

Good casting there, Fantasia. Come on down. I'm a coming Daddy, Fantasia is the maid from Gone with the Wind. Miss Scarlet.

[Brady]

Miss Scarlett.

[Toledo]

Yeah. What was her name?

[Brett]

Missy.

[Toledo]

Or it was.

[Brett]

I forget.

[Alec Baldwin]

Get on that.

[Toledo]

Tituba. Or something like that.

[Brett]

That's it. That isn't even remotely close.

[Toledo]

Tituba came from Uncle Tom's Cabin, I think.

[Brady]

Oh, great.

[Toledo]

What's that? That was a character in that book.

[Brett]

Did you learn anything?

[Toledo]

I remember reading the book. Tituba, Rock and Roll Fantasy Camp is back.

[Brett]

I can't hear you through your hood.

[Brady]

Take it off.

[Toledo]

And this year's counselors include Dr. John George Thorogood, John Anderson, Twisted Sisters, D. Snider.

[Eric]

John Anderson.

[Toledo]

He's a country guy. I think you got.

[Brett]

I thought you'd play Fantasia in the movie, Brady.

[Toledo]

I might.

[Brady]

Oh, Lord, Lord.

[Brett]

Lor, My babies don't know who I am.

[Listener]

Black Lady Brady.

[Brett]

Black Lady Brady. Oh, no, you didn't. No, you didn't.

[Toledo]

And then the last thing is. Saget snagged the narrator for his farce of the penguins.

[Brett]

Who is it?

[Toledo]

Samuel L. Jackson.

[Brady]

Nice. What you gonna do with all them humps?

[Toledo]

He also has gotten Jason Alexander, Whoopi Goldberg to do some stuff and Allison Hannigan.

[Brett]

It wasn't Tituba Brady have been handed a note that you've confused tituba with Hattie McDaniel.

[Toledo]

Who's Hattie McDaniel?

[Brett]

The maid from. Oh, yeah, the Wind.

[Toledo]

Yeah, Tituba. We gotta look it up.

[Brady]

Yeah, Tituba.

[Toledo]

I just came up with that.

[Brett]

Tituba.

[Toledo]

No, it is a real character.

[Alec Baldwin]

It is not.

[Brady]

Huh?

[Brett]

Can't be.

[Toledo]

Ish Kabibble.

[Brett]

What's Ish Kabibble? What are you doing?

[Toledo]

Ish Kabibble's another character.

[Brett]

You're making drug deals on the Earth. You.

[Toledo]

Nope.

[Brett]

Eagle Flies at Midnight Meets at the Point Chuckle.

[Brady]

No.

[Toledo]

Ishka Bibble.

[Brett]

Yeah, because you're both a thousand.

[Toledo]

I don't know Ishka Bibble. I know what real Ishka Bibble.

[Brett]

Brady, stop it.

[Toledo]

My friend Steve Weed dog. Growing up, Ishka Bibble was a basset hat on. And then Ishka Bibble was on, like, the Jack Parr Show.

[Brett]

I'm gonna reach up.

[Brady]

I'm gonna.

[Brett]

I'm gonna pull your prostate out and show it to you before you die.

[Toledo]

Calm down, Tituba.

[Brett]

Jack Johnson, Tom O'Leary, if you want to throw fisticuffs, fine.

[Listener]

Let's say Woody on him.

[Brady]

We are Now.

[Brett]

I'm gonna be thinking of the word Ishka Bibble all day. Is it biblical?

[Toledo]

No. Or something you know?

[Brett]

Ishka Bibble.

[Listener]

That's another word for Beelzebubble.

[Toledo]

Like one of those.

[Brett]

Yeah, it's the devil. Ishka Bibble. Ooh, I'm under attack from Ishkabibble Google. I won't Google ishkabibble. Yeah, it's baby talk.

[Toledo]

Google it now.

[Brett]

No, you Google Ishkabibble, because that is just babies chatting.

[Listener]

The dumbest argument ever.

[Brett]

This happens to us. Google Ishkabibble.

[Toledo]

Tatuba, I guarantee you one thing.

[Brett]

Three things that aren't words.

[Toledo]

Hillbillies talk funny.

[Listener]

How do you spell Ishka Bibble?

[Brett]

You Google it, Brady.

[Toledo]

All right.

[Brady]

Ishkaville Gold.

[Toledo]

Tituba.

[Brady]

Toledo's three week old instant.

[Toledo]

Use it in the sentence, please clean my porch. That's.

[Brett]

You are a horrible racist.

[Toledo]

Jeez.

[Brett]

You know what you've done is my grandma's going. Tituba would be a good name for my characters. Ishkabibul. Tituba.

[Brady]

Google.

[Brett]

I don't want to know what ish Kabibble is. Don't call with it. It's 98 KUPD.

[Listener]

I get a Spanish website.

[Brett]

Yeah, Tituba don't clean Brady's porch. Tituba find a job. You're equal to all of us. Unlike what Brady thinks, It's 98 KUPD.

[Alec Baldwin]

Tatuba Holmberg's morning sickness.

[Brett]

Everybody with the ish kabibble and all the stuff. Finally you've got it. Toledo found out what Ishkabibble is and it's driving us all bananas.

[Brady]

By the way, what was the other one?

[Brett]

Tituba.

[Brady]

Tituba.

[Brett]

Yeah, that's how it is.

[Toledo]

Tituba. But here's the reason why you've turned into my girl. In ninth grade, I remember reading a book.

[Brady]

What?

[Toledo]

And I just remember the character in it was. We would say, of course you're in ninth grade. Or look. And we'd always want to talk about them to the teacher. Hey, so Tituba didn't know it's Tituba.

[Brett]

So that was your education in Ohio?

[Toledo]

Yeah, but it ended up being from the Crucible, right?

[Brett]

Yeah. She was the one of the slaves in the Crucible, but she was from, like, somewhere else. And she was one of the witches. Indian.

[Toledo]

A witch? Yeah, the witch from who cares? Barbados.

[Brett]

And more importantly, Ishka Bibble.

[Brady]

To get it off.

[Eric]

Before the wise men could follow the star to find the baby Jesus, the little monkey Ishkabel snuck into their tent.

[Brady]

They knew this all comes back to Jesus.

[Toledo]

That's not the Ishka Bibble I was talking about.

[Brett]

Yeah, you don't even know.

[Toledo]

It's called Bunny. And she said Ishka Bibble was a musician. And Swinging Sammy K's band, who is from the 30s. He's like Benny Goodman and.

[Brett]

Hold on. The three wise men needed a monkey to find Jesus.

[Toledo]

I'm just saying that's what they looked for like three years they followed that.

[Brett]

And they're not all that wise.

[Eric]

Ishka Bibble is a master of lies. Able to twist the truth to such a point where others believe night is actually day. Many thieves pay homage to him and hope to protection from the law.

[Toledo]

But see, that is from what story.

[Eric]

His temples often serve as huge vaults and tempt those that worship him. The God of trickery. Master of deceit, Lord of rogues, Prince of lies.

[Brett]

And he's a monkey, apparently.

[Toledo]

Would be another name for the devil.

[Brady]

I would think they told you the devil.

[Brett]

Nice job. It goes back to Eric.

[Toledo]

So that guy was a devil on a horn. Ishkabibble.

[Brett]

I knew this was back to Jesus.

[Toledo]

Swing and sway. Sammy K. So wait a minute.

[Listener]

Does it have to do with a musician?

[Toledo]

They called him Ishka Bibble. And then my friend Steve Weed had a dog, and he called it Ishka Bibble.

[Brady]

Your world is just different than all of ours.

[Brett]

What color is the sky where you live? Because it's not blue. And how many moons at night? Because it's not one. Ishkabibble was a monkey that led the wise men.

[Toledo]

And when my grandchildren, he would make panickers.

[Brett]

Ishkabiba was like. Like GPS for the wise men.

[Toledo]

No, he wasn't.

[Brady]

Yes, he was.

[Toledo]

That's a story.

[Brett]

It's all a story. But Ishkabibel's now the monkey. But he led him to the Jesus. The monkey. Ish Kabibble.

[Listener]

I'm confused.

[Brett]

All I know is I no longer believe anything.

[Listener]

When you make up words, Brady, you.

[Brett]

Know what you're talking about. Yeah, when you just start spouting out babble crap. Back it up. What.

[Brady]

Is it? I don't know.

[Brett]

It just happened. My friend Steve Weed had a dog named Ishkabibble. So I just said it because I have stupid Tarrants.

[Toledo]

Why would I come up with Ish Kabibble?

[Brady]

We don't know.

[Brett]

That's what was driving us.

[Toledo]

And I told you.

[Brady]

No, you didn't.

[Toledo]

All these years, I'd hear the dog, Ish Kabibble. I'm like, where did they come up with that name?

[Brett]

This is what's driving us all mad. I'm gonna take this pen and just jam it in my temple.

[Brady]

There's no reason for you to even.

[Brett]

Brought up Ish Kabibble to begin with.

[Toledo]

You wagged me on.

[Brett]

Stop it. Stop saying things that don't make sense.

[Brady]

And then making me think about them. That drives me insane.

[Listener]

Sing the song, John.

[Alec Baldwin]

I feel pretty, oh, so pretty.

[Toledo]

What do you get so worked up for?

[Brett]

Because you just say things. Ishka Bibble. Huh? Ishka Bibble. What is that? I don't know. Why did you say it? I don't know.

[Brady]

Are you okay?

[Brett]

Ishka Bibble.

[Alec Baldwin]

You did it again.

[Brett]

Clactoria, don't do that.

[Brady]

Oh, no.

[Brett]

Collectoria is what the wise men had from banging Ishkabibble the Monkey.

[Listener]

Tourette's, Brady's.

[Brett]

98K. UPD, Arizona's most powerful rock radio station.

[Brady]

He said fully erect.

[Alec Baldwin]

98K.